April 14, 2025 • 16 mins
Get to know Barry. Download Mindful in 5 Sample Chapters
Are workplace conflicts undermining your leadership effectiveness? Even in successful organizations, tension can derail productivity and fracture valuable professional relationships. The good news? Conflict isn't just inevitable—it's potentially valuable when channeled correctly.
This week we explore the powerful HEAR technique for conflict resolution that transforms contentious situations into catalysts for growth. This practical episode breaks down a four-step approach you can implement immediately.
Through relatable examples and actionable strategies, you'll discover how to navigate difficult colleagues and high-stakes negotiations with calm confidence. Whether you're dealing with opposing counsel who's making things personal, a teammate who's dug into their position, or a challenging client, these mindful techniques will help you maintain your composure while finding collaborative solutions.
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- Pick up your Mindful in 5 Book and Journal from Amazon
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Spiwe Jefferson (00:08):
Welcome to Mindful in 5, where busy
professionals find your peacefuloasis to thrive in complex work
environments.
I am Spiwe Jefferson attorney,certified mindfulness
practitioner and author of theMindful in 5 book series.
(00:28):
Here to guide you to a clearer,softer and more supported life.
Join me and your fellow mindfulninjas as we explore
science-backed mindfulnessstrategies for successful
leaders that you can implement,starting with just five minutes
(00:49):
a day.
Elevate your work, empower yourlife, work higher, live
stronger.
Let's go.
Is workplace conflictundermining your leadership
effectiveness and stalling yourteam's progress?
Even in your most successfulorganization, you face moments
(01:13):
when tension threatens to derailproductivity and fracture
valuable professionalrelationships.
As a seasoned leader, you knowthat conflict isn't just
inevitable.
It's potentially valuable whenchanneled correctly.
However, without effectiveresolution strategies, these
(01:34):
moments of disagreement canerode your team's trust,
diminish innovation andsignificantly impact your bottom
line.
That is why today we aretalking about conflict
resolution strategies.
We are going to dive into a fewproven conflict resolution
(01:56):
frameworks used by, hopefully,top performing executives like
you.
You will discover how totransform contentious situations
into catalysts for growth,strengthen your team's cohesion
and maintain your organization'scompetitive edge, even through
challenging interpersonaldynamics.
(02:18):
And if you're wondering aboutthe cute kids in this season's
imagery.
We are embracing the beginner'smind by channeling childlike
qualities.
Remember those qualities thatyou used to have as a kid Trust,
authenticity, creativity,resilience and optimism.
So that is what we are hopingto remind you to get back to, to
(02:42):
transform our mindfulnesspractice and daily lives.
Let our playful cover artinspire you to get back to, to
transform our mindfulnesspractice and daily lives.
Let our playful cover artinspire you to approach each day
with fresh eyes and an openheart.
Now back to our topic.
Imagine navigatingdisagreements with calm
confidence, turning potentialconflicts into joyful
(03:04):
opportunities for growth andunderstanding.
By mastering conflictresolution, you can create a
softer, more supportive workenvironment where everyone
thrives.
You can also create anenvironment where you are less
by badly behaved co-workers.
So let's explore a techniquethat I call HERE the HERE model
(03:32):
for conflict resolution, andhere's how it works.
The first thing is let's come upwith a scenario.
Come up with a scenario.
Let us suppose let's use Barry.
(03:53):
Barry is a lawyer who works ina law firm.
When we first meet him in thebook Mindful in Five Meditations
for People with no Time.
It is the first in the Mindfulin Five series.
Let's suppose that Barry isdealing with a situation that is
contentious.
He is negotiating or trying tonegotiate with opposing counsel
(04:14):
and he's having a hard time and,as sometimes happens in
litigation and heated contractnegotiations, lawyers can behave
quite badly.
So let's assume that Barry isfaced with a lawyer who is
behaving badly and he started totake potshots and make it
personal and he is really justtrying to irk Barry and rub him
(04:38):
the wrong way.
And Barry is no.
Not only is Barry no shrinkingviolet, but Barry is also fairly
intrepid and he speaks his mindand he's fearless, and so it
takes a lot for Barry not toreact and jump across the table
which is what he really wants todo in a situation like this and
(05:00):
grab that other lawyer andshake him, because Barry used to
be in the military and so he'sprobably thinking you know, what
.
I still got it.
I can take him, but insteadBarry uses the HERE model
instead.
It is an acronym.
The H in HERE is for HALT stopand take a peaceful breath
(05:23):
before you react.
It doesn't matter who is irkingyou or yanking your chain.
In a work environmentespecially, you always want to
stop and take that peacefulbreath before you react.
So that's the H.
The E is for empathize, try tounderstand the other's
(05:47):
perspective, and for extracredit, you could even do it
with cheerful curiosity.
So in Barry's case he mightthink okay, so this guy is
taking potshots at me.
What's really going on here?
He's making it personal in waysthat are not professional.
Why is that?
When Barry thinks about it,maybe he realizes that this guy
(06:12):
is actually quite afraid.
Maybe his job depends on asuccessful outcome for the
client who's putting a lot ofpressure on him.
Maybe he has had other issueswith this case and this is his
last shot at getting a win andhe has to get a win to take it
back to the client anddemonstrate his own value.
(06:35):
Or maybe that other lawyer justhas his own personal issues
around imposter syndromepersonal issues around imposter
syndrome and he really needs tofeel like he has value and he's
getting more and more desperatein this negotiation because he's
not getting his way and it isreally getting under his skin.
(06:56):
So that might be rationale thatBarry, based on everything he
knows about the supposingcounsel, starts to realize and
it's not making up stuff, it'syou know what is actually true.
And so now Barry has taken abreath and he has empathized.
Now what?
Now we get to the A.
The A is ask, inquire about theneeds and concerns and, for
(07:23):
extra credit, do it with gentleinterest.
So, rather than Barry blowinghis gasket as he's wont to do,
maybe Barry starts askingquestions what is it that is
really worrying you about thisdeal?
What is it that you really need?
(07:44):
Help me understand what is itthat?
And hopefully that starts tofacilitate a different kind of
conversation.
I remember reading a book a longtime ago and it was called
(08:08):
Never Split the Difference by agentleman named Chris Voss who
was an FBI hostage negotiator,excellent negotiator, and he
goes into all of these tacticsand techniques.
And I am not related to Mr Voss, I've never met him, I've never
talked to him.
I just really thought his bookwas outstanding and I encourage
(08:32):
you to track down that book.
It's really good and I willalso include a link to the book
in the notes.
I usually don't link to otherpeople's stuff, but it was a
really good book and it's calledNever Split the Difference.
And one of the things that heuses extremely effectively as
part of his negotiation tacticsis the concept of the ask, ask
(08:56):
the question.
So in his situation, let'ssuppose he was dealing with a
hostage taker who is beingunreasonable and he said and
let's suppose the hostage takerwants a plane right?
Give me a plane, I want ahelicopter that's ready to go in
20 minutes.
And Chris would start askingquestions like so what kind of
(09:18):
helicopter?
And you want a helicopter?
Where would you like me to getit?
Oh, I don't know.
And then he would just startasking all the questions that,
of course, the hostage taker hadnot thought through and did not
have answers for, but he wouldask the questions that would
(09:38):
make you go yeah, that's anunreasonable thing to ask.
So help me with the details ofhow you think I'm going to
accomplish that.
And it works quite well.
I find that sometimes, when Ihave conversations, rather than
making an assumption andassuming that we're talking
about the same thing, it'sactually quite helpful to ask
questions, because sometimes youknow when something sounds like
(10:03):
it's coming out of left field,maybe it really is, and by
asking the questions it forcesthe other to think about what
they're saying in a differentlight.
So inquire about their needs,their concerns, inquire about
even the feasibility of how theythink something can be
(10:23):
accomplished, and start gettingideas about so how is that
supposed to work exactly?
And then the R in here isrespond, address the issue
collaboratively, seekingsolutions.
So don't ask to belittle, don'task to make the other person
(10:44):
sound or feel stupid, ask out ofgenuine interest to find a
solution and, as you respond,then address the issue in a
collaborative way.
I think what I'm hearing yousay opposing counsel is X, and I
think what you're telling me isthat what your client is really
(11:06):
trying to do is accomplish Y.
I think we can get there,because my client wants Z over
here, and if you back into itthis way and I come at it
sideways in this way, maybebetween the two of us we can get
100% of what each of ourclients want.
(11:27):
And so now, if Barry wascorrect that this lawyer was
really concerned about getting awin, now Barry has found a path
to a win for both his clientand the other lawyer's client,
and now, perhaps, this lawyer isno longer belligerent and
(11:48):
acting crazy and ugly towardsBarry, because now, all of a
sudden, we together are tryingto solve this problem and get
what each of our clients needs.
What about that?
There is, in spaces where thiskind of technique has been used,
(12:09):
there is suggestion that thisapproach can significantly
reduce workplace conflicts,fostering a more peaceful and
productive team dynamic.
And so, whether you are dealingwith opposing counsel or
negotiating a contract with youropposing vendor, or whether
(12:31):
you're just trying to navigaterelationship dynamics with your
teammates, consider using theHERE technique HALT, that's the
H Empathize, ask and respond.
As we wrap up, consider thisConflict isn't inherently
(12:52):
negative.
It's often a sign of passionateengagement.
Sometimes, the key is how wenavigate it with clear, joyful
intention.
In my work environment, one ofthe things that I really
appreciate about my team is weare all committed to the
organization's success, allcommitted to the organization's
(13:17):
success, and we challenge eachother to come up with better
ways, different ways, creativeways, innovative ways to do
better every single day.
And it never gets personal, butit's always focused on how do
we get better, how do we dobetter, how do we be better, how
do we be better, how do we dobetter for our customers, how do
(13:38):
we show up better in themarketplace?
And so we rarely.
I can't think of a time when Ihave faced a situation where
recently certainly where I havefaced a situation where I just
had a colleague who was justoutright behaving badly, but it
(14:01):
happens.
I've had it happen in otherworkplaces I had a boss a long
time ago who was really led byterrorizing the employees and
the staff.
And had I been had, I had thehair technique.
I don't know.
In hindsight I don't know thatit would have helped that much
in that situation because shejust was who she was.
But at least try it.
And if that doesn't work, thentry other methods.
(14:25):
Go to that.
Don't Split the Difference book.
Getting to yes is anotherreally good book about
negotiating.
And how do you negotiate whenit looks like everybody's at
loggerheads and they're dug intheir positions?
What do you do?
Between those two books youwill find yourself with more
than hopefully more than enoughways to address situations like
(14:50):
this where you've got conflictthat you are trying to resolve.
So your cheerful challenge forthis week is to apply the here
technique to a current orpotential conflict situation and
notice how it brings a softer,more supported energy to the
interaction, and that's truewhether that conflict situation
(15:12):
is at work or at home.
I think there are differentthings that you'd have to try.
For example, you've gotteenagers at home, but you could
try this too.
Among all of the other thingsthat you're probably trying,
Remember that effective conflictresolution is a skill.
It can be learned and improvedwith peaceful practice.
(15:36):
So just because you might notfeel like you're that great at
it doesn't mean you cannot getbetter and you cannot improve.
With a mindful, strategicapproach, you can turn potential
problems into pathways forbetter understanding and joyful
(15:56):
collaboration.
May your workplace interactionsbe filled with clear
communication and peacefulresolution Until next week.
This is Be Weigh Saying, bemindful and be well.
James@DiscovertheVoice (16:10):
Thank you for listening to Mindful in
5.
If you enjoyed it, share itwith a friend, follow and rate
it on your favorite podcastplatform.
Pick up your signed copy of thebook and journal from
spiwejefferson.
com, or unsigned copies fromAmazon, Barnes and Noble or
wherever you get your books.
Visit spiwejefferson.
(16:31):
spewayjeffersoncom to downloadsample chapters of the book,
watch videos and become amindful ninja.
Join us on the LinkedIn Mindfulin 5 group and share your
thoughts.
Until next time, be mindful andbe well.
Welcome to Mindful in 5, where busy
professionals find your peacefuloasis to thrive in complex work
environments.
I am Spiwe Jefferson attorney,certified mindfulness
practitioner and author of theMindful in 5 book series.
(00:28):
Here to guide you to a clearer,softer and more supported life.
Join me and your fellow mindfulninjas as we explore
science-backed mindfulnessstrategies for successful
leaders that you can implement,starting with just five minutes
(00:49):
a day.
Elevate your work, empower yourlife, work higher, live
stronger.
Let's go.
Is workplace conflictundermining your leadership
effectiveness and stalling yourteam's progress?
Even in your most successfulorganization, you face moments
(01:13):
when tension threatens to derailproductivity and fracture
valuable professionalrelationships.
As a seasoned leader, you knowthat conflict isn't just
inevitable.
It's potentially valuable whenchanneled correctly.
However, without effectiveresolution strategies, these
(01:34):
moments of disagreement canerode your team's trust,
diminish innovation andsignificantly impact your bottom
line.
That is why today we aretalking about conflict
resolution strategies.
We are going to dive into a fewproven conflict resolution
(01:56):
frameworks used by, hopefully,top performing executives like
you.
You will discover how totransform contentious situations
into catalysts for growth,strengthen your team's cohesion
and maintain your organization'scompetitive edge, even through
challenging interpersonaldynamics.
(02:18):
And if you're wondering aboutthe cute kids in this season's
imagery.
We are embracing the beginner'smind by channeling childlike
qualities.
Remember those qualities thatyou used to have as a kid Trust,
authenticity, creativity,resilience and optimism.
So that is what we are hopingto remind you to get back to, to
(02:42):
transform our mindfulnesspractice and daily lives.
Let our playful cover artinspire you to get back to, to
transform our mindfulnesspractice and daily lives.
Let our playful cover artinspire you to approach each day
with fresh eyes and an openheart.
Now back to our topic.
Imagine navigatingdisagreements with calm
confidence, turning potentialconflicts into joyful
(03:04):
opportunities for growth andunderstanding.
By mastering conflictresolution, you can create a
softer, more supportive workenvironment where everyone
thrives.
You can also create anenvironment where you are less
by badly behaved co-workers.
So let's explore a techniquethat I call HERE the HERE model
(03:32):
for conflict resolution, andhere's how it works.
The first thing is let's come upwith a scenario.
Come up with a scenario.
Let us suppose let's use Barry.
(03:53):
Barry is a lawyer who works ina law firm.
When we first meet him in thebook Mindful in Five Meditations
for People with no Time.
It is the first in the Mindfulin Five series.
Let's suppose that Barry isdealing with a situation that is
contentious.
He is negotiating or trying tonegotiate with opposing counsel
(04:14):
and he's having a hard time and,as sometimes happens in
litigation and heated contractnegotiations, lawyers can behave
quite badly.
So let's assume that Barry isfaced with a lawyer who is
behaving badly and he started totake potshots and make it
personal and he is really justtrying to irk Barry and rub him
(04:38):
the wrong way.
And Barry is no.
Not only is Barry no shrinkingviolet, but Barry is also fairly
intrepid and he speaks his mindand he's fearless, and so it
takes a lot for Barry not toreact and jump across the table
which is what he really wants todo in a situation like this and
(05:00):
grab that other lawyer andshake him, because Barry used to
be in the military and so he'sprobably thinking you know, what
.
I still got it.
I can take him, but insteadBarry uses the HERE model
instead.
It is an acronym.
The H in HERE is for HALT stopand take a peaceful breath
(05:23):
before you react.
It doesn't matter who is irkingyou or yanking your chain.
In a work environmentespecially, you always want to
stop and take that peacefulbreath before you react.
So that's the H.
The E is for empathize, try tounderstand the other's
(05:47):
perspective, and for extracredit, you could even do it
with cheerful curiosity.
So in Barry's case he mightthink okay, so this guy is
taking potshots at me.
What's really going on here?
He's making it personal in waysthat are not professional.
Why is that?
When Barry thinks about it,maybe he realizes that this guy
(06:12):
is actually quite afraid.
Maybe his job depends on asuccessful outcome for the
client who's putting a lot ofpressure on him.
Maybe he has had other issueswith this case and this is his
last shot at getting a win andhe has to get a win to take it
back to the client anddemonstrate his own value.
(06:35):
Or maybe that other lawyer justhas his own personal issues
around imposter syndromepersonal issues around imposter
syndrome and he really needs tofeel like he has value and he's
getting more and more desperatein this negotiation because he's
not getting his way and it isreally getting under his skin.
(06:56):
So that might be rationale thatBarry, based on everything he
knows about the supposingcounsel, starts to realize and
it's not making up stuff, it'syou know what is actually true.
And so now Barry has taken abreath and he has empathized.
Now what?
Now we get to the A.
The A is ask, inquire about theneeds and concerns and, for
(07:23):
extra credit, do it with gentleinterest.
So, rather than Barry blowinghis gasket as he's wont to do,
maybe Barry starts askingquestions what is it that is
really worrying you about thisdeal?
What is it that you really need?
(07:44):
Help me understand what is itthat?
And hopefully that starts tofacilitate a different kind of
conversation.
I remember reading a book a longtime ago and it was called
(08:08):
Never Split the Difference by agentleman named Chris Voss who
was an FBI hostage negotiator,excellent negotiator, and he
goes into all of these tacticsand techniques.
And I am not related to Mr Voss, I've never met him, I've never
talked to him.
I just really thought his bookwas outstanding and I encourage
(08:32):
you to track down that book.
It's really good and I willalso include a link to the book
in the notes.
I usually don't link to otherpeople's stuff, but it was a
really good book and it's calledNever Split the Difference.
And one of the things that heuses extremely effectively as
part of his negotiation tacticsis the concept of the ask, ask
(08:56):
the question.
So in his situation, let'ssuppose he was dealing with a
hostage taker who is beingunreasonable and he said and
let's suppose the hostage takerwants a plane right?
Give me a plane, I want ahelicopter that's ready to go in
20 minutes.
And Chris would start askingquestions like so what kind of
(09:18):
helicopter?
And you want a helicopter?
Where would you like me to getit?
Oh, I don't know.
And then he would just startasking all the questions that,
of course, the hostage taker hadnot thought through and did not
have answers for, but he wouldask the questions that would
(09:38):
make you go yeah, that's anunreasonable thing to ask.
So help me with the details ofhow you think I'm going to
accomplish that.
And it works quite well.
I find that sometimes, when Ihave conversations, rather than
making an assumption andassuming that we're talking
about the same thing, it'sactually quite helpful to ask
questions, because sometimes youknow when something sounds like
(10:03):
it's coming out of left field,maybe it really is, and by
asking the questions it forcesthe other to think about what
they're saying in a differentlight.
So inquire about their needs,their concerns, inquire about
even the feasibility of how theythink something can be
(10:23):
accomplished, and start gettingideas about so how is that
supposed to work exactly?
And then the R in here isrespond, address the issue
collaboratively, seekingsolutions.
So don't ask to belittle, don'task to make the other person
(10:44):
sound or feel stupid, ask out ofgenuine interest to find a
solution and, as you respond,then address the issue in a
collaborative way.
I think what I'm hearing yousay opposing counsel is X, and I
think what you're telling me isthat what your client is really
(11:06):
trying to do is accomplish Y.
I think we can get there,because my client wants Z over
here, and if you back into itthis way and I come at it
sideways in this way, maybebetween the two of us we can get
100% of what each of ourclients want.
(11:27):
And so now, if Barry wascorrect that this lawyer was
really concerned about getting awin, now Barry has found a path
to a win for both his clientand the other lawyer's client,
and now, perhaps, this lawyer isno longer belligerent and
(11:48):
acting crazy and ugly towardsBarry, because now, all of a
sudden, we together are tryingto solve this problem and get
what each of our clients needs.
What about that?
There is, in spaces where thiskind of technique has been used,
(12:09):
there is suggestion that thisapproach can significantly
reduce workplace conflicts,fostering a more peaceful and
productive team dynamic.
And so, whether you are dealingwith opposing counsel or
negotiating a contract with youropposing vendor, or whether
(12:31):
you're just trying to navigaterelationship dynamics with your
teammates, consider using theHERE technique HALT, that's the
H Empathize, ask and respond.
As we wrap up, consider thisConflict isn't inherently
(12:52):
negative.
It's often a sign of passionateengagement.
Sometimes, the key is how wenavigate it with clear, joyful
intention.
In my work environment, one ofthe things that I really
appreciate about my team is weare all committed to the
organization's success, allcommitted to the organization's
(13:17):
success, and we challenge eachother to come up with better
ways, different ways, creativeways, innovative ways to do
better every single day.
And it never gets personal, butit's always focused on how do
we get better, how do we dobetter, how do we be better, how
do we be better, how do we dobetter for our customers, how do
(13:38):
we show up better in themarketplace?
And so we rarely.
I can't think of a time when Ihave faced a situation where
recently certainly where I havefaced a situation where I just
had a colleague who was justoutright behaving badly, but it
(14:01):
happens.
I've had it happen in otherworkplaces I had a boss a long
time ago who was really led byterrorizing the employees and
the staff.
And had I been had, I had thehair technique.
I don't know.
In hindsight I don't know thatit would have helped that much
in that situation because shejust was who she was.
But at least try it.
And if that doesn't work, thentry other methods.
(14:25):
Go to that.
Don't Split the Difference book.
Getting to yes is anotherreally good book about
negotiating.
And how do you negotiate whenit looks like everybody's at
loggerheads and they're dug intheir positions?
What do you do?
Between those two books youwill find yourself with more
than hopefully more than enoughways to address situations like
(14:50):
this where you've got conflictthat you are trying to resolve.
So your cheerful challenge forthis week is to apply the here
technique to a current orpotential conflict situation and
notice how it brings a softer,more supported energy to the
interaction, and that's truewhether that conflict situation
(15:12):
is at work or at home.
I think there are differentthings that you'd have to try.
For example, you've gotteenagers at home, but you could
try this too.
Among all of the other thingsthat you're probably trying,
Remember that effective conflictresolution is a skill.
It can be learned and improvedwith peaceful practice.
(15:36):
So just because you might notfeel like you're that great at
it doesn't mean you cannot getbetter and you cannot improve.
With a mindful, strategicapproach, you can turn potential
problems into pathways forbetter understanding and joyful
(15:56):
collaboration.
May your workplace interactionsbe filled with clear
communication and peacefulresolution Until next week.
This is Be Weigh Saying, bemindful and be well.
James@DiscovertheVoice (16:10):
Thank you for listening to Mindful in
5.
If you enjoyed it, share itwith a friend, follow and rate
it on your favorite podcastplatform.
Pick up your signed copy of thebook and journal from
spiwejefferson.
com, or unsigned copies fromAmazon, Barnes and Noble or
wherever you get your books.
Visit spiwejefferson.
(16:31):
spewayjeffersoncom to downloadsample chapters of the book,
watch videos and become amindful ninja.
Join us on the LinkedIn Mindfulin 5 group and share your
thoughts.
Until next time, be mindful andbe well.
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