February 14, 2025 • 37 mins
What if your journey to self-improvement started with catching boa constrictors in the Caribbean? Join us on the Mindfully Integrative Show as we welcome the extraordinary Dr. Marnie Hill-Federo, a distinguished author, educator, and resilient survivor. Dr. Marnie vividly shares her captivating experiences living in the Caribbean and her unique knack for catching these massive serpents, setting the stage for a profound discussion on the importance of self-reflection and the tough decisions required to protect one's mental and physical health.
Our conversation takes a poignant turn as Dr. Marnie delves into the hidden devastations of parental alienation and intimate partner violence (IPV). She courageously opens up about the severe emotional toll of escaping abusive relationships and the heartbreaking ripple effects on family dynamics, especially adult children. By highlighting the painful reality and manipulative tactics that lead to losing contact with children, Dr. Marnie underscores the significance of awareness days and the essential need for open dialogue to offer hope and support to those enduring similar struggles.
In our final chapters, the focus shifts to healing and resilience post-trauma. Dr. Marnie shares valuable insights on setting healthy boundaries, rediscovering self-value, and the journey toward finding love and happiness again. We also celebrate her remarkable 35-year career as a high school teacher and adjunct graduate school professor, reflecting on how empowering students can lead to a life of critical thinking and independent exploration. Wrapping up, Dr. Marnie discusses her book, "God Came to My Garage Sale," and the empowerment that springs from self-sufficiency, offering listeners a roadmap to self-care and conscious decision-making for a fulfilling life.
Feeling need to Lose Weight & Become metabolically Healthy
GET METABOLIC COURSE GLP 1 REseT
This course is designed for individuals looking to optimize their metabolic health through integrative and functional medicine approaches. Whether you're on a GLP-1 medication or seeking natural ways to enhance your metabolic function, this course provides actionable steps, expert insights, and a personalized roadmap sustainable wellness.
Are you feeling stressed, tired, or Metabolism imbalanced?
Take advantage of our free mindful steps to help improve your well-being.
ENJOY ONE OF our Books
Mindful Ways Health Wealth & Life
https://stan.store/Mindfullyintegrative
Ask Us for help with Medical Weight Loss & Improve Metabolic Health
Www.mindfullyintegrative.com
Let's Work on Your Optimal Wellness Journey!
Sign Up For Discovery Call
https://stan.store/Mindfullyintegrative
Enjoy the Show and Get Bonus Episodes
Subscribe For Just $4 a month
Enjoy one of Our Mindful Book Collec...
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hi, how are you?
This is Dr Damaris MariaGrossman, and this is the
Mindfully Integrative Show, andtoday we have a wonderful guest
doing a mindful chat.
Her name is Dr MarnieHill-Federo and she has years of
experience as an author, as ateacher, as a speaker and an
educator, so there's many thingsthat she is going to speak with
(00:22):
you and I love just her websitealone is God came to my garage
sales.
So I want you to know and findmore about her, because she also
has written many of books.
So thank you so much for beingon the show, dr Marnie.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
Oh, you're welcome.
Thank you so much for having mehere.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
Oh, I really appreciate it.
So, as I kind of tell those onthe show, just a little fun fact
that someone may not know aboutyou, because you are, you know,
postdoctoral Harvard.
You know, you've done so much,you're educated, highly educated
and also well-renowned.
So please talk to those in theabout your story.
(01:00):
And just a small little funfact before we go into it.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
Let's see a fun fact about me, because I really have
put a lot out there, I would saynow that I have moved to the
Caribbean.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
That's cool.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Yeah, I'm in St Croix in the.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
US Virgin Islands.
That sounds beautiful.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
I've lived here for three years, but never in my
life would I think that I wouldbe skilled at catching boa
constrictors.
So we have and they're notnative to our Island, but we
certainly have them um here inabundance.
And, um, even though they'renot venomous which is nice they
(01:38):
still can bite and, of course,constrict, and it's just no fun
to have a snake around yourhouse.
So, um, I have gotten prettygood at catching boa
constrictors.
It's just no fun to have asnake around your house.
So, um, I have gotten prettygood at catching boa
constrictors.
Speaker 1 (01:49):
Oh my, do you have like a, you know?
Do you have like a wrangler,like a thing, like a?
Speaker 2 (01:53):
I have um, uh, we call them snake tongs and um
because where I live is on manyacres in the rainforest.
We have numerous snake tongs invarious locations.
Acres in the rainforest, wehave numerous snake tongs in
various locations so that youknow if I come across one, you
know I can, I can catch it andyou know there are a couple
(02:17):
people on the island that areinterested in having them as a
like dinner.
But I also call the DPNR guy.
There's a there's, we call himthe snake whisperer, but he
comes from St Croix snakes andgets them because he collects
the data and researches them andtrying to help eradicate them
(02:37):
from our island.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
But anyway, that's my fun fact.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
Wow, that's a pretty big one.
Yeah, yeah, I've actuallycaught, so we've had 20 in the
three years.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
Oh my gosh, oh my gosh.
Speaker 2 (02:48):
I know, I guess, so something I that's a fun fact, I
guess how, I don't know what, Idon't.
We keep our doors closed, so so, but they're definitely right
around, they.
They enjoy our gardens and ourbirds, and oh my oh, no, oh,
that's my fun fact.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
You know you moved to the islands to be more relaxed.
I don't know that's, that's alot.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
I'm okay.
I I appreciate nature.
I think that you know, being innature is just so very healing
on so many different levels.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
So yeah, so let's talk about you.
You have a wealth of you knowhistory and you know this shows
really about integration ofhealth and and your journey,
obviously, as an educator, andso how you know, let's talk
about your story and and howyou've kind of come to where you
(03:43):
are now.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
Sure, well, just you know, without going into too
much detail because I havetalked about my story and what
has led me to write my books,but in keeping with integrative
health, which you know I reallysupport, especially just natural
ways of healing yourself.
(04:06):
One thing I'd like to point outis so many people don't realize
that if we have surroundedourselves, whether we know it or
not, with toxic individuals ortoxic situation, that can
actually that stress canmanifest itself in your body and
could you know where you wereend up with, you know, physical
(04:30):
ailments or autoimmune diseases.
And of course, so many, so manyresponses are oh, pop a pill for
this, pop a pill for that, whenreally there are so many other
things that you can do, and oneof them is realizing taking a
look at yourself and look atyour life and look at your
(04:53):
relationships, your family, yourpartnerships, your neighbors,
your work colleagues, look atsituations and people you know.
Really do some reflection andtry to decide how healthy these
relationships or situations are,because you might find that
(05:17):
some of them are not as healthyas you think, where you could be
trauma, bonded with anotherperson because you've known them
for years and you just alwaysthought they had your back or
you know you might wake up oneday and find evidence to show
that you know the person you arein a partnership with doesn't
have the same values as you dowith regards to honesty or
(05:42):
fidelity, or you know money orwhatever it is.
And so you know you've got tomake some very tough decisions
about whether to stay or go orhow to, you know, alter your
interaction so that you are in ahealthy state mentally.
So, and I had to do that and,as a result, I left a marriage
(06:06):
after 27 years.
I left, uh, my American dream,um, which really was myself
living in a false reality withregards to, uh, what I thought I
was living.
You know, definitely, my careeras a teacher.
That was the real deal and Ireally enjoyed that and saw that
(06:28):
through till I retired.
But I did have to make somedecisions and they were really
hard decisions and even afteryou make those initial decisions
, there's a lot of repercussionsand fallout that come sometimes
years after you make thesedecisions.
And then you have to kind ofanalyze, reanalyze where you are
(06:49):
at with some people in yourlife or situations in your life,
and make another round ofpossible changes just to kind of
protect yourself.
But I will say, as tough asthat, I would say, emotional,
spiritual healing journey wasand there's a lot of losses and
(07:10):
there's a lot of pain.
When you can get through thatand come out the other side,
you'll find that, emotionallyand physically, you are in
optimum health, and you know soit really no one else can really
do this for you.
You have to do this foryourself.
(07:31):
Yeah, listen to podcasts, readsome books, get some ideas, talk
to different people, but thethe final choice is really yours
and how you want to conductyour life.
And I'm just you know, I'm soglad I've always had a positive
outlook.
I've always believed that loveand compassion and knowledge can
(07:54):
really steer us in a positiveway, and so I had a foundation
that really was conducive tohelping me make some of these
big changes.
But it's in midlife that I'mdoing this.
You know I was just going along.
You know my whole life.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
Right, Wow, and with I mean you brought five books,
correct?
Is that correct?
Speaker 2 (08:18):
I have written six books.
Yeah, the first book is aspiritual fiction called God
came to my garage sale.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
So that's where your first book came.
Is that that?
That is the first book afterlosing everything you know.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
This character amazing.
She has to have a garage saleand some spiritual miracles
happen and cause.
You're a spiritual teacher.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
You're a high school year.
I mean you have such an arrayof.
I think you have so much, somuch to tell people.
You know half hour is not goingto be enough.
Speaker 2 (08:47):
We're going to have to be on a journey.
It's a journey, we all have ajourney, and sometimes we're
compelled to share our journeybecause not only it's healing
for us, but it's it's alsohealing for other people.
They can find inspiration.
This is just one.
This is the first book of myfive book series called True
Deceit, false Love, and in thatI didn't plan on writing that
(09:12):
five book series.
In fact, after I wrote thefirst book, and even though it
was prominently endorsed bypeople in the abuse recovery
community, I went on to write,within a very short time, four
other books related to this, andit's to bring awareness in a
very general way to domesticviolence, narcissistic abuse,
(09:34):
parental alienation, which is adevastating form of domestic
violence.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
Can you go into a little conversation?
I mean domestic violence initself is is SIG can be
significant or intimate partnerviolence yes, intimate partner.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
Yes, that's what it's called Intimate partner
violence.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
Violence Right and the trauma from that in itself
is just and it happens to bothmen and women.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
So it is not a gender specific situation, but you.
Speaker 1 (10:04):
You wanted me to elaborate a little on parental
alienation and that well, I mean, I just I didn't, you know, I
think the combination of youknow, the ipv or um, whichever
you'd like to talk about,because we're here, I'm here to
try to highlight and discussways that you've been able to
transition right.
So that trauma, those thingsyou've written and now you're
(10:26):
able to talk about this becausethere is, I can only imagine,
unfortunately, how many.
I mean you've done your,probably your, your research on
what is it?
One in four or have some sortof abuse.
Speaker 2 (10:36):
Yeah, I actually put it on my website.
There there are numerousstatistics, and and actually
because unfortunately, you knowyeah, june 1 was a national
narcissistic abuse awareness day, just kind of like there's a
Hallmark holiday for anythingthere's, there's, you know, lots
of these different issues endup having a day of awareness
(10:59):
because it really needs to besomething that's more readily
available for people tounderstand and maybe connect the
dots to their own experienceand they might realize wow, I am
in the middle of this Becauseone of the hallmarks of being in
an abusive situation and it'snot just from my personal
(11:20):
experience but from a lot ofresearch that I have done is
that so many times we don't knowwe're in it while we're in it
and it's when you finally havethe straw that breaks the
camel's back or you know somebig revelation, some big big
trauma where you, you know, thenremove yourself from that
situation just for your ownsafety.
(11:43):
It's then that you realize, wow,there were so many red flags
along the way that I did not payattention to and that many
people don't pay attention toand, just like people that have
had near-death experiences, theyhave flatlined and survived
their medical trauma, but theyhave experienced something that
(12:04):
is just unbelievable.
And there are thousands ofaccounts that are very, very
similar that people haveexperienced, you know, the same
is true with, just you know,emotional family trauma.
It can be so devastating.
I mean, it was devastating forme to to leave a 27 year
marriage, something that Ithought would be forever, but at
(12:27):
the same time I almost didn'thave a choice.
After some of the things that Ilearned and so I made, I did
make a choice.
I suppose I could have stayedin it, and I was pretty much
threatened to stay in it, but Iknew that that wouldn't be
healthy for me, nor would I berole modeling positive behavior
(12:48):
for my adult children, butunfortunately I lost my adult
children due to parentalalienation, so they were older
when this happened.
Speaker 1 (12:58):
So what?
How, how does, how does so?
They've completely likealienated you.
Yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
Oh, I'm so sorry for that.
No, it's devastating.
I hope at some point that theyyou know.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
I hope at some point you're able to reconnect.
Speaker 2 (13:11):
Every targeted mom or dad has hope, you know.
But the reality is is that thebrainwashing and the false
narrative that's been, you know.
And the control andmanipulation, whether it's
through money, been, you know.
And the control andmanipulation, whether it's
through money, threats, you know, control of their electronics
and their bills, that type ofthing you know.
(13:33):
Lots of times these adultchildren, you know they're, even
if they realize there'sparental alienation and they see
good versus evil, theysometimes don't want the stress
of having to make a changebecause it's extremely stressful
in their lives to be like this.
But if you know of a child, ayoung or adult child, that
(13:57):
thinks that everything is blackand white, there's one good
parent and one terrible parent,and if they have not
communicated with that oneparent, they believe it's
terrible.
For the most part that could bethe loving targeted parent that
was just cut off as a meansfrom the other parent to destroy
(14:19):
that parent parent.
They want revenge, you know.
Unfortunately in our world wehave to deal with malevolent
people and people that justdon't always have the best
interest.
They will even sacrifice thewellbeing of their own children,
you know to to hurt.
Speaker 1 (14:37):
I can.
I I unfortunately can canrelate to my mother.
She had, um, my father was, wasin that narcissistic you know
category, but she stayed withhim all the way until, you know,
he got sick and uh, I would say, now you know she reflects on
the, the, the years of, you know, she was there 50 years in it,
um, and she talks about it andwe, but she's still not able to,
(15:01):
I guess, get through that.
Speaker 2 (15:04):
But it's also a different generation.
Your mother is older than weare and we actually have
platforms where we can getinformation about it or she did
not know, support Right.
Speaker 1 (15:17):
Yeah.
So it was a a definitely achallenge for her.
I feel for her, I mean for ustoo, but I, I mean, I had years
therapy there.
You know I went, I learned my,you know I, I learned my
techniques.
That's hence why I started thisshow, because I, I feel like it
needs to, things need to betalked about and we need to talk
about conversations without, um, feeling like a pill is going
to be a conversation or everyonejust has mental health and it's
(15:40):
like all right there's moreunderlying.
Everyone needs to have um, tohave you know conversations and
figure out better ways to behealthier.
Speaker 2 (15:48):
You know and yeah, and actually just our
conversation, you know, in thispodcast can reach one person and
that could change thetrajectory of how they choose to
handle.
You know what they're goingthrough.
And chances are there's aripple effect because you know
there are so many people likeyou and I that believe in
(16:11):
goodness, believe in our naturalbodies, believe in the wonder
of the world and positivity andhow you know, really our
thoughts can control all sortsof things.
And so we're spreading the word, so we're creating that ripple
effect, I believe.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
Oh, that's I hope.
So you know every little, everyone, one you know person on
here and one conversation.
I hope someone listens rightand they're having that and
knowing that they're not alone.
You know, yeah, I, I mean, Iknow that you, if you want to
talk about one of the books or astory within your you know,
(16:51):
your, you know a little bit moreon your story.
It's completely up to you howyou'd like to go further, but I
know that you have a wealth ofthings to discuss, so you know
well, you know I, I'm open totalk, talk with talk about
whatever you're interested intalking about.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
I just, I just want to provide inspiration and hope
to your viewers and listenersthat they are not alone and in
whatever they are going through,even if they don't completely
resonate with the topics that Idiscuss they might have their
own situation in a workplaceenvironment or with something
with health or something withmoney.
(17:25):
You know, we all have challenges, but we have the power to
choose to respond a certain wayand we need to all take time to
do more reflection, you know,and meditation is extremely
helpful.
I will say that I struggledwith meditation for the longest
time.
I had so much clutter in my mindand just it was really hard to
(17:49):
settle down to just kind of um,you know, have like an uh, a
blank slate to try to reflect,and sometimes there are people
that can benefit from guidedmeditations where they actually
follow someone else's direction,and that type of thing.
But I also find being in naturewhich, even when I spent a
(18:10):
lifetime in the Chicago suburbs,I was still I loved the seasons
, I loved the prairie, I lovedthe Midwest landscape the
Midwest, you know, landscape.
I feel like I'm someone thatcould be planted anywhere in the
world and I could find beautyin it.
I'm so fortunate, though, to bein the Caribbean, because it's
(18:31):
a different type of beauty that,you know, I can actually
immerse myself in, like get intothe ocean every day and, you
know, take a walk in therainforest every day, and that
that really is grounding for me.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
Oh, I can imagine how grounding it is.
You're really one with theearth.
Speaker 2 (18:51):
But even if you are in the heart of the city or in
the suburbs, or on the coast orthe East coast, or wherever you
are, you can still find beautyin the world, even if it's
through looking out a window youcan still find beauty, and, but
I would say to your viewers andlisteners, instead of listening
(19:12):
to, like a lot of specificstories that I have, you have
the power within you to createthe world you want to be, be the
change that you want to see inthe world, that famous quote we
have the power to take controlof our lives, and sometimes,
(19:32):
though, it means making somehard choices about leaving these
certain toxic kind ofsituations and people behind.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
Wow, what I mean you.
You had gone through so much.
What.
What was like your turningpoint for you?
Was it just that, you know,pivotal point?
That was just like, okay, thiswas enough, enough for myself.
And then you said, okay, I haveto change.
Speaker 2 (19:59):
Yeah, I would say I definitely had a defining moment
where, you know, I was just aregular day out for pizza with
my husband and one of mychildren, and I don't think it
was intentional, but there wereconfessions made and wrongdoings
exposed and, you know, if itwas earlier on I might've just
(20:22):
brushed it off, like I havealways done, but you know what?
It came to a point where I hadconnected so many dots that it
was enough was enough, and andactually I became very scared,
um, um, and because abusers doinstill fear, oh, of course, by
what they do.
(20:42):
That's kind of part of howthey're able to control and
manipulate.
But I really I guess that wasmy turning point, but really it
had been building for years andyears and years.
And then, of course, after whenI realized that parental
alienation was part of this,after when I realized that
(21:04):
parental alienation was part ofthis, where my loving
relationship with my kids andyou know so many of us parents,
moms and dads, you know ourlives revolve around our kids.
You know we spend years andyears raising them and trying to
instill good values and givingthem great experiences and
helping them to try to launchand, you know, be their own
people.
And and it seemed like for many, many years I was kind of
(21:28):
fighting an opposite view ofthat type of thing but I was
still plugging along.
And but when you realize thatyou know you've been alienated
from your children, almost likea cult, like brainwashing, it's
just shocking.
It's just to your core and youtry all sorts of things to reach
out the normal way visits,gifts, phone calls, texts,
(21:52):
emails, whatever.
And then you know, at times,with some real severe cases,
abusers will even legallyprevent you from connecting with
your children, whether it'sthrough orders of protection or
whatever it is.
Where you are, you don't evenhave a choice unless you want to
(22:12):
.
You know risk, you know anarrest or something like that,
even though it's all based onlies and false information.
Um, the you know abusers willuse the court systems whenever
they can.
They will, they will continueand they will obsess over you
Even a decade after you haveescaped their control.
(22:33):
You can be slapped with withmore legal things that happen to
so many people.
Speaker 1 (22:41):
You've.
You've overcome so much Like II don't want to.
You know, um think I just thenow where you have come like so
that turning point.
How do you feel, now thatyou've transitioned and and, and
you know you've kind of come onthe other side, how are you
feeling, how are you doing, Um,and what has been your best um
(23:03):
way of, like healing?
Speaker 2 (23:04):
Well, that's a great question, Multifaceted, but very
great question, you know youcan put it in one's point, it's
up to you.
No, but I, I, you know, I, Ihave come a long way, but I
still think that anyone who hasbeen through what I have been
through or anything similar, youstill have to remain vigilant,
you still have to pay attentionbecause you know, like I said,
(23:28):
these abusers are obsessive andyou know they are constantly
plotting yet another way to getat you, and of course, we read
such devastating headlines attimes with regards to a spouse
murdering the other spouse ortheir or their own children,
just to, in their, their sick,twisted way of revenge.
(23:53):
So so I think that you know,you always, and I think I will
always be on a healing journeyand I will always have to be
vigilant.
And you know, in my case, myabuser has shown me that it
doesn't matter if it's beenalmost a decade, they will
continue, you know.
So I think that that's beingvigilant is something,
unfortunately, we still have todeal with, and and the though
(24:17):
eventually comes out, I mean,with anything, it seems, the
truth eventually prevails.
But I would say, you know, I'vebeen very fortunate, because of
where I was at the stage in myprofessional life, that I was
close to retirement, and sothat's something like so many
other people have been convincedto quit their jobs or go on
(24:39):
disability or or, you know, becompletely dependent on their
abuser, you know, so that theyfeel like they have no way out.
So I had some things working inmy favor.
I also a very close friend ofmine that I, you know, enjoyed
being around and traveled a lotwith, he is now my life partner
(25:00):
and so he really gets it.
So I have found love andhappiness again, without even
looking for it At all.
You know, because so manypeople that are in that
experience domestic violence endup in yet another domestic
violence situation with similarpersonalityas and and you know
(25:23):
what, you know what kind ofmolded you into an over empath
(25:47):
or an over giver or someone thatwould tolerate you know, be a
good target for, for an abuser.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
So you know you're, you're being a good person, but
I, it is they.
They almost look for the onesthat are the most sympathetic
and the most loving, rightthat's.
It's like right, you're inthere.
Psychology will show you andunfortunately, I wish it wasn't
like that, but yeah you aredefinitely chosen before they.
Speaker 2 (26:05):
you know they they're out.
It's like a predator and a prey.
They really are looking for theweakest link, and not that you
are a weak individual, you'rejust someone who has had some
other kinds of losses andtraumas that they will
capitalize on, and so it's just.
You know, it's very hard forgood, loving, sane, healthy
(26:28):
people to think like a criminal,because that's not how we are
wired.
We're not.
Speaker 1 (26:33):
That is not how we were taught.
That's not who we are.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:36):
Yeah, and you know what I still believe, though,
even after everything that Ihave gone through and so much
that I have read that so manyother people have gone through,
I still believe in honesty andgoodness and goodwill towards
others, and I'm a little morediscerning about who I let in my
life or who I keep in my life,but that, that setting up, is
(27:00):
like a healthy boundary.
Speaker 1 (27:02):
I was just about to say boundaries.
Speaker 2 (27:03):
I'm a it's not about them, you know, like if I I
chose, like there's some peoplein my life that I have chosen I
do not want in my life, I do, itis not bringing me joy,
happiness.
I see so many of the similarabusive tactics.
I just it's not for me, butit's if I have made some of
(27:28):
those choices.
It's not that I don't lovethose people, even a family
member.
It's not that I don't love themand will always hold a special
place in my heart.
But the reality is that I can'tsubject myself to more and more
abuse because I need to valuemyself.
No one else will do that for meexcept myself.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
I could not agree with you more.
I think it's even moreimportant for people to value
themselves.
You know, I don't think that wehave, um, not everyone, I guess
, as empaths or those sensitiveones we're not willing to look
and say it's okay, you know, um,I very much so appreciate you
being on the show.
I mean, there's so much more Ithink we can even dive into with
(28:14):
the trauma and the domesticviolence since you.
But would you like to leave theaudience before you go with a
small tip of your healing, orprior to that, or would you like
to discuss a little bit of yourcareer as a school teacher?
Speaker 2 (28:35):
You know well, my career as a school teacher was
just one of the most enjoyablethings.
Speaker 1 (28:40):
You're in Chicago area, right?
Speaker 2 (28:42):
I was in the Chicago suburbs and I taught 35 years,
mostly at the high school level.
But and one thing, just abouthow I was as a teacher, I wasn't
someone that you know stood upin front of the class imparting
facts and knowledge.
I was the kind of teacher thatlooked at each individual
(29:03):
professor, sorry about that.
Well, I was an.
I was a high school teacher for35 years and 12 of those years
I was an adjunct graduate schoolprofessor and actually in both
different venues, with differentage groups, I did more about
looking at individual people aslearners and trying to give them
(29:26):
the permission to explore andinvestigate on their own that
you know, people can presentinformation to you, but you need
to do some critical thinking onyour own and and that's where
some real learning comes.
And so that's the kind ofteacher that I was.
But as far as just the toimpart any final thoughts for
(29:50):
your audience, I would reallyjust say you know, you are a
loving, beautiful human beingand you know, stay true to your
values and your integrity, andit is a very healthy practice,
and hopefully you don't have togo through trauma that will
(30:12):
induce this, but that you couldtake a look at your life and
make some decisions about allsorts of things who you want to
spend time with, who are peoplein your life that you should
maybe go no contact with or lowcontact, who are people that you
are drawn to be with, and maybeyou know, move towards that,
(30:36):
look at where you are living andmake some decisions.
Hey, is this where I want tospend the rest of my life, or
should I go explore some otheroptions for myself?
People need to look at theircareers or their jobs and ask
themselves if it's fulfilling.
Now, of course, I know many ofus have to have our day jobs or
(30:58):
whatever, but you are nine tofive, or whatever it's called,
because we need to put food onthe table.
But at the same time, we shouldgive ourselves permission to
explore some other options,because you know money isn't
everything.
You know.
Buying this or that or livinghere or there isn't everything.
(31:19):
You know, and I learned thatthe hard way when I lost
everything after leaving mymarriage after 27 years.
You know I had so much safetyand security, but it was all
false, and so you never know howstrong you can be until you're
you're put into a situation.
(31:40):
But I just want to leave youraudience with hope that you know
they can.
You know they can make changesin their lives and that's okay,
and it's okay to put yourselffirst.
It's not a selfish thing by anymeans.
You know it's kind of like putyour oxygen mask on first and
(32:01):
then help the person next to you.
Speaker 1 (32:03):
And it's so hard for some of us to see that I mean, I
know just as perfectly.
You know as you're as aneducator, me as a provider of
health, like we almost don'twant to do that, or even as moms
, right, and you almost, likeyou're instilled to kind of not
realize that you have to helpyourself, because you can't help
anyone if you're not available.
You know, if you're not able.
Speaker 2 (32:22):
Right and you want to encourage others to help
themselves.
You know so, like one thingwith my adult children, I always
try to instill self-sufficiency.
Try to instill self-sufficiency.
Follow your own passions.
Don't rely on everyone whereyou know abusers want the
opposite.
They want you dependent, theywant to take away your freedoms.
(32:45):
They and they want you to behappy, you know, even though you
, you know, are, are stifled andyou can't grow to be the person
that you are meant to be.
So you know, there's a lot ofhope for for all of us.
We just need to stay true toour, our positive values and
make some, make some decisionsabout our lives.
Speaker 1 (33:08):
You are so versed in what you say and I appreciate
your time.
I would love for the audienceto be able to reach you.
I know your first book is GodCame to my Garage Sale.
Would you recommend them toread that as your first book and
how can they reach youotherwise?
Speaker 2 (33:28):
Sure, Well, actually I'm not on social media because
I wanted to spend more time innature and enjoying my island as
well as writing, but I do havea website, which is
wwwgodcamedomygaragesalecom, andthere you can read about me.
You could read about thevarious books.
(33:48):
You know the six books I'vewritten myself, as well as the
five books that I havecoauthored as part of
anthologies.
You can, under the happeningsection, you can tune into this
podcast or many other podcastinterviews that I've done as far
as magazine articles I'vewritten or book signings and
(34:11):
that type of thing.
So, you know my website is thebest place to to um, to check
things out.
And then my books are all onAmazon or Barnes and Noble.
I'm with Balboa press, which isa division of Hay House.
Hey, how, wonderful.
Yeah, so that's who I am with,so you can even go on that
(34:33):
website and, uh, check out thebooks.
And if money is tight for you,which it is for a lot of people
right now, e-versions of thebooks are $3.99 online.
So libraries are carrying thebooks now and you know it's my
book is in bookstores all acrossthe nation and Europe and the
(34:56):
Caribbean.
Speaker 1 (34:57):
So well, I am so grateful for you know, your
spiritual teachings, your, yourtime and kind of bringing a
little bit of faith and love tolike others, like so that they
can have a little hope, you know, wherever they are in their
journey, whether it's, you know,in the beginning of their stage
or they just need to hear alittle bit of positivity.
So thank you so much again foryour time.
Speaker 2 (35:19):
Well, and thank you for what you do and for having
this wonderful platform.
You know, the mindfullyintegrative platform is just
fantastic.
It makes so much sense,especially now.
So thank you for what you aredoing and I I am glad you saw
value in what I'm doing.
Speaker 1 (35:36):
Yes, absolutely Well.
Thank you again and thosewatching.
Like I said to you, make sureyou find a mindful way each and
every day and you have abeautiful day, whether it's a
day or not.
Thanks again and we'll talkwith you soon.
Enjoy the next episode.
Hi, how are you?
This is Dr Damaris MariaGrossman, and this is the
Mindfully Integrative Show, andtoday we have a wonderful guest
doing a mindful chat.
Her name is Dr MarnieHill-Federo and she has years of
experience as an author, as ateacher, as a speaker and an
educator, so there's many thingsthat she is going to speak with
(00:22):
you and I love just her websitealone is God came to my garage
sales.
So I want you to know and findmore about her, because she also
has written many of books.
So thank you so much for beingon the show, dr Marnie.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
Oh, you're welcome.
Thank you so much for having mehere.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
Oh, I really appreciate it.
So, as I kind of tell those onthe show, just a little fun fact
that someone may not know aboutyou, because you are, you know,
postdoctoral Harvard.
You know, you've done so much,you're educated, highly educated
and also well-renowned.
So please talk to those in theabout your story.
(01:00):
And just a small little funfact before we go into it.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
Let's see a fun fact about me, because I really have
put a lot out there, I would saynow that I have moved to the
Caribbean.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
That's cool.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Yeah, I'm in St Croix in the.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
US Virgin Islands.
That sounds beautiful.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
I've lived here for three years, but never in my
life would I think that I wouldbe skilled at catching boa
constrictors.
So we have and they're notnative to our Island, but we
certainly have them um here inabundance.
And, um, even though they'renot venomous which is nice they
(01:38):
still can bite and, of course,constrict, and it's just no fun
to have a snake around yourhouse.
So, um, I have gotten prettygood at catching boa
constrictors.
It's just no fun to have asnake around your house.
So, um, I have gotten prettygood at catching boa
constrictors.
Speaker 1 (01:49):
Oh my, do you have like a, you know?
Do you have like a wrangler,like a thing, like a?
Speaker 2 (01:53):
I have um, uh, we call them snake tongs and um
because where I live is on manyacres in the rainforest.
We have numerous snake tongs invarious locations.
Acres in the rainforest, wehave numerous snake tongs in
various locations so that youknow if I come across one, you
know I can, I can catch it andyou know there are a couple
(02:17):
people on the island that areinterested in having them as a
like dinner.
But I also call the DPNR guy.
There's a there's, we call himthe snake whisperer, but he
comes from St Croix snakes andgets them because he collects
the data and researches them andtrying to help eradicate them
(02:37):
from our island.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
But anyway, that's my fun fact.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
Wow, that's a pretty big one.
Yeah, yeah, I've actuallycaught, so we've had 20 in the
three years.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
Oh my gosh, oh my gosh.
Speaker 2 (02:48):
I know, I guess, so something I that's a fun fact, I
guess how, I don't know what, Idon't.
We keep our doors closed, so so, but they're definitely right
around, they.
They enjoy our gardens and ourbirds, and oh my oh, no, oh,
that's my fun fact.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
You know you moved to the islands to be more relaxed.
I don't know that's, that's alot.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
I'm okay.
I I appreciate nature.
I think that you know, being innature is just so very healing
on so many different levels.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
So yeah, so let's talk about you.
You have a wealth of you knowhistory and you know this shows
really about integration ofhealth and and your journey,
obviously, as an educator, andso how you know, let's talk
about your story and and howyou've kind of come to where you
(03:43):
are now.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
Sure, well, just you know, without going into too
much detail because I havetalked about my story and what
has led me to write my books,but in keeping with integrative
health, which you know I reallysupport, especially just natural
ways of healing yourself.
(04:06):
One thing I'd like to point outis so many people don't realize
that if we have surroundedourselves, whether we know it or
not, with toxic individuals ortoxic situation, that can
actually that stress canmanifest itself in your body and
could you know where you wereend up with, you know, physical
(04:30):
ailments or autoimmune diseases.
And of course, so many, so manyresponses are oh, pop a pill for
this, pop a pill for that, whenreally there are so many other
things that you can do, and oneof them is realizing taking a
look at yourself and look atyour life and look at your
(04:53):
relationships, your family, yourpartnerships, your neighbors,
your work colleagues, look atsituations and people you know.
Really do some reflection andtry to decide how healthy these
relationships or situations are,because you might find that
(05:17):
some of them are not as healthyas you think, where you could be
trauma, bonded with anotherperson because you've known them
for years and you just alwaysthought they had your back or
you know you might wake up oneday and find evidence to show
that you know the person you arein a partnership with doesn't
have the same values as you dowith regards to honesty or
(05:42):
fidelity, or you know money orwhatever it is.
And so you know you've got tomake some very tough decisions
about whether to stay or go orhow to, you know, alter your
interaction so that you are in ahealthy state mentally.
So, and I had to do that and,as a result, I left a marriage
(06:06):
after 27 years.
I left, uh, my American dream,um, which really was myself
living in a false reality withregards to, uh, what I thought I
was living.
You know, definitely, my careeras a teacher.
That was the real deal and Ireally enjoyed that and saw that
(06:28):
through till I retired.
But I did have to make somedecisions and they were really
hard decisions and even afteryou make those initial decisions
, there's a lot of repercussionsand fallout that come sometimes
years after you make thesedecisions.
And then you have to kind ofanalyze, reanalyze where you are
(06:49):
at with some people in yourlife or situations in your life,
and make another round ofpossible changes just to kind of
protect yourself.
But I will say, as tough asthat, I would say, emotional,
spiritual healing journey wasand there's a lot of losses and
(07:10):
there's a lot of pain.
When you can get through thatand come out the other side,
you'll find that, emotionallyand physically, you are in
optimum health, and you know soit really no one else can really
do this for you.
You have to do this foryourself.
(07:31):
Yeah, listen to podcasts, readsome books, get some ideas, talk
to different people, but thethe final choice is really yours
and how you want to conductyour life.
And I'm just you know, I'm soglad I've always had a positive
outlook.
I've always believed that loveand compassion and knowledge can
(07:54):
really steer us in a positiveway, and so I had a foundation
that really was conducive tohelping me make some of these
big changes.
But it's in midlife that I'mdoing this.
You know I was just going along.
You know my whole life.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
Right, Wow, and with I mean you brought five books,
correct?
Is that correct?
Speaker 2 (08:18):
I have written six books.
Yeah, the first book is aspiritual fiction called God
came to my garage sale.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
So that's where your first book came.
Is that that?
That is the first book afterlosing everything you know.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
This character amazing.
She has to have a garage saleand some spiritual miracles
happen and cause.
You're a spiritual teacher.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
You're a high school year.
I mean you have such an arrayof.
I think you have so much, somuch to tell people.
You know half hour is not goingto be enough.
Speaker 2 (08:47):
We're going to have to be on a journey.
It's a journey, we all have ajourney, and sometimes we're
compelled to share our journeybecause not only it's healing
for us, but it's it's alsohealing for other people.
They can find inspiration.
This is just one.
This is the first book of myfive book series called True
Deceit, false Love, and in thatI didn't plan on writing that
(09:12):
five book series.
In fact, after I wrote thefirst book, and even though it
was prominently endorsed bypeople in the abuse recovery
community, I went on to write,within a very short time, four
other books related to this, andit's to bring awareness in a
very general way to domesticviolence, narcissistic abuse,
(09:34):
parental alienation, which is adevastating form of domestic
violence.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
Can you go into a little conversation?
I mean domestic violence initself is is SIG can be
significant or intimate partnerviolence yes, intimate partner.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
Yes, that's what it's called Intimate partner
violence.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
Violence Right and the trauma from that in itself
is just and it happens to bothmen and women.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
So it is not a gender specific situation, but you.
Speaker 1 (10:04):
You wanted me to elaborate a little on parental
alienation and that well, I mean, I just I didn't, you know, I
think the combination of youknow, the ipv or um, whichever
you'd like to talk about,because we're here, I'm here to
try to highlight and discussways that you've been able to
transition right.
So that trauma, those thingsyou've written and now you're
(10:26):
able to talk about this becausethere is, I can only imagine,
unfortunately, how many.
I mean you've done your,probably your, your research on
what is it?
One in four or have some sortof abuse.
Speaker 2 (10:36):
Yeah, I actually put it on my website.
There there are numerousstatistics, and and actually
because unfortunately, you knowyeah, june 1 was a national
narcissistic abuse awareness day, just kind of like there's a
Hallmark holiday for anythingthere's, there's, you know, lots
of these different issues endup having a day of awareness
(10:59):
because it really needs to besomething that's more readily
available for people tounderstand and maybe connect the
dots to their own experienceand they might realize wow, I am
in the middle of this Becauseone of the hallmarks of being in
an abusive situation and it'snot just from my personal
(11:20):
experience but from a lot ofresearch that I have done is
that so many times we don't knowwe're in it while we're in it
and it's when you finally havethe straw that breaks the
camel's back or you know somebig revelation, some big big
trauma where you, you know, thenremove yourself from that
situation just for your ownsafety.
(11:43):
It's then that you realize, wow,there were so many red flags
along the way that I did not payattention to and that many
people don't pay attention toand, just like people that have
had near-death experiences, theyhave flatlined and survived
their medical trauma, but theyhave experienced something that
(12:04):
is just unbelievable.
And there are thousands ofaccounts that are very, very
similar that people haveexperienced, you know, the same
is true with, just you know,emotional family trauma.
It can be so devastating.
I mean, it was devastating forme to to leave a 27 year
marriage, something that Ithought would be forever, but at
(12:27):
the same time I almost didn'thave a choice.
After some of the things that Ilearned and so I made, I did
make a choice.
I suppose I could have stayedin it, and I was pretty much
threatened to stay in it, but Iknew that that wouldn't be
healthy for me, nor would I berole modeling positive behavior
(12:48):
for my adult children, butunfortunately I lost my adult
children due to parentalalienation, so they were older
when this happened.
Speaker 1 (12:58):
So what?
How, how does, how does so?
They've completely likealienated you.
Yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
Oh, I'm so sorry for that.
No, it's devastating.
I hope at some point that theyyou know.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
I hope at some point you're able to reconnect.
Speaker 2 (13:11):
Every targeted mom or dad has hope, you know.
But the reality is is that thebrainwashing and the false
narrative that's been, you know.
And the control andmanipulation, whether it's
through money, been, you know.
And the control andmanipulation, whether it's
through money, threats, you know, control of their electronics
and their bills, that type ofthing you know.
(13:33):
Lots of times these adultchildren, you know they're, even
if they realize there'sparental alienation and they see
good versus evil, theysometimes don't want the stress
of having to make a changebecause it's extremely stressful
in their lives to be like this.
But if you know of a child, ayoung or adult child, that
(13:57):
thinks that everything is blackand white, there's one good
parent and one terrible parent,and if they have not
communicated with that oneparent, they believe it's
terrible.
For the most part that could bethe loving targeted parent that
was just cut off as a meansfrom the other parent to destroy
(14:19):
that parent parent.
They want revenge, you know.
Unfortunately in our world wehave to deal with malevolent
people and people that justdon't always have the best
interest.
They will even sacrifice thewellbeing of their own children,
you know to to hurt.
Speaker 1 (14:37):
I can.
I I unfortunately can canrelate to my mother.
She had, um, my father was, wasin that narcissistic you know
category, but she stayed withhim all the way until, you know,
he got sick and uh, I would say, now you know she reflects on
the, the, the years of, you know, she was there 50 years in it,
um, and she talks about it andwe, but she's still not able to,
(15:01):
I guess, get through that.
Speaker 2 (15:04):
But it's also a different generation.
Your mother is older than weare and we actually have
platforms where we can getinformation about it or she did
not know, support Right.
Speaker 1 (15:17):
Yeah.
So it was a a definitely achallenge for her.
I feel for her, I mean for ustoo, but I, I mean, I had years
therapy there.
You know I went, I learned my,you know I, I learned my
techniques.
That's hence why I started thisshow, because I, I feel like it
needs to, things need to betalked about and we need to talk
about conversations without, um, feeling like a pill is going
to be a conversation or everyonejust has mental health and it's
(15:40):
like all right there's moreunderlying.
Everyone needs to have um, tohave you know conversations and
figure out better ways to behealthier.
Speaker 2 (15:48):
You know and yeah, and actually just our
conversation, you know, in thispodcast can reach one person and
that could change thetrajectory of how they choose to
handle.
You know what they're goingthrough.
And chances are there's aripple effect because you know
there are so many people likeyou and I that believe in
(16:11):
goodness, believe in our naturalbodies, believe in the wonder
of the world and positivity andhow you know, really our
thoughts can control all sortsof things.
And so we're spreading the word, so we're creating that ripple
effect, I believe.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
Oh, that's I hope.
So you know every little, everyone, one you know person on
here and one conversation.
I hope someone listens rightand they're having that and
knowing that they're not alone.
You know, yeah, I, I mean, Iknow that you, if you want to
talk about one of the books or astory within your you know,
(16:51):
your, you know a little bit moreon your story.
It's completely up to you howyou'd like to go further, but I
know that you have a wealth ofthings to discuss, so you know
well, you know I, I'm open totalk, talk with talk about
whatever you're interested intalking about.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
I just, I just want to provide inspiration and hope
to your viewers and listenersthat they are not alone and in
whatever they are going through,even if they don't completely
resonate with the topics that Idiscuss they might have their
own situation in a workplaceenvironment or with something
with health or something withmoney.
(17:25):
You know, we all have challenges, but we have the power to
choose to respond a certain wayand we need to all take time to
do more reflection, you know,and meditation is extremely
helpful.
I will say that I struggledwith meditation for the longest
time.
I had so much clutter in my mindand just it was really hard to
(17:49):
settle down to just kind of um,you know, have like an uh, a
blank slate to try to reflect,and sometimes there are people
that can benefit from guidedmeditations where they actually
follow someone else's direction,and that type of thing.
But I also find being in naturewhich, even when I spent a
(18:10):
lifetime in the Chicago suburbs,I was still I loved the seasons
, I loved the prairie, I lovedthe Midwest landscape the
Midwest, you know, landscape.
I feel like I'm someone thatcould be planted anywhere in the
world and I could find beautyin it.
I'm so fortunate, though, to bein the Caribbean, because it's
(18:31):
a different type of beauty that,you know, I can actually
immerse myself in, like get intothe ocean every day and, you
know, take a walk in therainforest every day, and that
that really is grounding for me.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
Oh, I can imagine how grounding it is.
You're really one with theearth.
Speaker 2 (18:51):
But even if you are in the heart of the city or in
the suburbs, or on the coast orthe East coast, or wherever you
are, you can still find beautyin the world, even if it's
through looking out a window youcan still find beauty, and, but
I would say to your viewers andlisteners, instead of listening
(19:12):
to, like a lot of specificstories that I have, you have
the power within you to createthe world you want to be, be the
change that you want to see inthe world, that famous quote we
have the power to take controlof our lives, and sometimes,
(19:32):
though, it means making somehard choices about leaving these
certain toxic kind ofsituations and people behind.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
Wow, what I mean you.
You had gone through so much.
What.
What was like your turningpoint for you?
Was it just that, you know,pivotal point?
That was just like, okay, thiswas enough, enough for myself.
And then you said, okay, I haveto change.
Speaker 2 (19:59):
Yeah, I would say I definitely had a defining moment
where, you know, I was just aregular day out for pizza with
my husband and one of mychildren, and I don't think it
was intentional, but there wereconfessions made and wrongdoings
exposed and, you know, if itwas earlier on I might've just
(20:22):
brushed it off, like I havealways done, but you know what?
It came to a point where I hadconnected so many dots that it
was enough was enough, and andactually I became very scared,
um, um, and because abusers doinstill fear, oh, of course, by
what they do.
(20:42):
That's kind of part of howthey're able to control and
manipulate.
But I really I guess that wasmy turning point, but really it
had been building for years andyears and years.
And then, of course, after whenI realized that parental
alienation was part of this,after when I realized that
(21:04):
parental alienation was part ofthis, where my loving
relationship with my kids andyou know so many of us parents,
moms and dads, you know ourlives revolve around our kids.
You know we spend years andyears raising them and trying to
instill good values and givingthem great experiences and
helping them to try to launchand, you know, be their own
people.
And and it seemed like for many, many years I was kind of
(21:28):
fighting an opposite view ofthat type of thing but I was
still plugging along.
And but when you realize thatyou know you've been alienated
from your children, almost likea cult, like brainwashing, it's
just shocking.
It's just to your core and youtry all sorts of things to reach
out the normal way visits,gifts, phone calls, texts,
(21:52):
emails, whatever.
And then you know, at times,with some real severe cases,
abusers will even legallyprevent you from connecting with
your children, whether it'sthrough orders of protection or
whatever it is.
Where you are, you don't evenhave a choice unless you want to
(22:12):
.
You know risk, you know anarrest or something like that,
even though it's all based onlies and false information.
Um, the you know abusers willuse the court systems whenever
they can.
They will, they will continueand they will obsess over you
Even a decade after you haveescaped their control.
(22:33):
You can be slapped with withmore legal things that happen to
so many people.
Speaker 1 (22:41):
You've.
You've overcome so much Like II don't want to.
You know, um think I just thenow where you have come like so
that turning point.
How do you feel, now thatyou've transitioned and and, and
you know you've kind of come onthe other side, how are you
feeling, how are you doing, Um,and what has been your best um
(23:03):
way of, like healing?
Speaker 2 (23:04):
Well, that's a great question, Multifaceted, but very
great question, you know youcan put it in one's point, it's
up to you.
No, but I, I, you know, I, Ihave come a long way, but I
still think that anyone who hasbeen through what I have been
through or anything similar, youstill have to remain vigilant,
you still have to pay attentionbecause you know, like I said,
(23:28):
these abusers are obsessive andyou know they are constantly
plotting yet another way to getat you, and of course, we read
such devastating headlines attimes with regards to a spouse
murdering the other spouse ortheir or their own children,
just to, in their, their sick,twisted way of revenge.
(23:53):
So so I think that you know,you always, and I think I will
always be on a healing journeyand I will always have to be
vigilant.
And you know, in my case, myabuser has shown me that it
doesn't matter if it's beenalmost a decade, they will
continue, you know.
So I think that that's beingvigilant is something,
unfortunately, we still have todeal with, and and the though
(24:17):
eventually comes out, I mean,with anything, it seems, the
truth eventually prevails.
But I would say, you know, I'vebeen very fortunate, because of
where I was at the stage in myprofessional life, that I was
close to retirement, and sothat's something like so many
other people have been convincedto quit their jobs or go on
(24:39):
disability or or, you know, becompletely dependent on their
abuser, you know, so that theyfeel like they have no way out.
So I had some things working inmy favor.
I also a very close friend ofmine that I, you know, enjoyed
being around and traveled a lotwith, he is now my life partner
(25:00):
and so he really gets it.
So I have found love andhappiness again, without even
looking for it At all.
You know, because so manypeople that are in that
experience domestic violence endup in yet another domestic
violence situation with similarpersonalityas and and you know
(25:23):
what, you know what kind ofmolded you into an over empath
(25:47):
or an over giver or someone thatwould tolerate you know, be a
good target for, for an abuser.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
So you know you're, you're being a good person, but
I, it is they.
They almost look for the onesthat are the most sympathetic
and the most loving, rightthat's.
It's like right, you're inthere.
Psychology will show you andunfortunately, I wish it wasn't
like that, but yeah you aredefinitely chosen before they.
Speaker 2 (26:05):
you know they they're out.
It's like a predator and a prey.
They really are looking for theweakest link, and not that you
are a weak individual, you'rejust someone who has had some
other kinds of losses andtraumas that they will
capitalize on, and so it's just.
You know, it's very hard forgood, loving, sane, healthy
(26:28):
people to think like a criminal,because that's not how we are
wired.
We're not.
Speaker 1 (26:33):
That is not how we were taught.
That's not who we are.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:36):
Yeah, and you know what I still believe, though,
even after everything that Ihave gone through and so much
that I have read that so manyother people have gone through,
I still believe in honesty andgoodness and goodwill towards
others, and I'm a little morediscerning about who I let in my
life or who I keep in my life,but that, that setting up, is
(27:00):
like a healthy boundary.
Speaker 1 (27:02):
I was just about to say boundaries.
Speaker 2 (27:03):
I'm a it's not about them, you know, like if I I
chose, like there's some peoplein my life that I have chosen I
do not want in my life, I do, itis not bringing me joy,
happiness.
I see so many of the similarabusive tactics.
I just it's not for me, butit's if I have made some of
(27:28):
those choices.
It's not that I don't lovethose people, even a family
member.
It's not that I don't love themand will always hold a special
place in my heart.
But the reality is that I can'tsubject myself to more and more
abuse because I need to valuemyself.
No one else will do that for meexcept myself.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
I could not agree with you more.
I think it's even moreimportant for people to value
themselves.
You know, I don't think that wehave, um, not everyone, I guess
, as empaths or those sensitiveones we're not willing to look
and say it's okay, you know, um,I very much so appreciate you
being on the show.
I mean, there's so much more Ithink we can even dive into with
(28:14):
the trauma and the domesticviolence since you.
But would you like to leave theaudience before you go with a
small tip of your healing, orprior to that, or would you like
to discuss a little bit of yourcareer as a school teacher?
Speaker 2 (28:35):
You know well, my career as a school teacher was
just one of the most enjoyablethings.
Speaker 1 (28:40):
You're in Chicago area, right?
Speaker 2 (28:42):
I was in the Chicago suburbs and I taught 35 years,
mostly at the high school level.
But and one thing, just abouthow I was as a teacher, I wasn't
someone that you know stood upin front of the class imparting
facts and knowledge.
I was the kind of teacher thatlooked at each individual
(29:03):
professor, sorry about that.
Well, I was an.
I was a high school teacher for35 years and 12 of those years
I was an adjunct graduate schoolprofessor and actually in both
different venues, with differentage groups, I did more about
looking at individual people aslearners and trying to give them
(29:26):
the permission to explore andinvestigate on their own that
you know, people can presentinformation to you, but you need
to do some critical thinking onyour own and and that's where
some real learning comes.
And so that's the kind ofteacher that I was.
But as far as just the toimpart any final thoughts for
(29:50):
your audience, I would reallyjust say you know, you are a
loving, beautiful human beingand you know, stay true to your
values and your integrity, andit is a very healthy practice,
and hopefully you don't have togo through trauma that will
(30:12):
induce this, but that you couldtake a look at your life and
make some decisions about allsorts of things who you want to
spend time with, who are peoplein your life that you should
maybe go no contact with or lowcontact, who are people that you
are drawn to be with, and maybeyou know, move towards that,
(30:36):
look at where you are living andmake some decisions.
Hey, is this where I want tospend the rest of my life, or
should I go explore some otheroptions for myself?
People need to look at theircareers or their jobs and ask
themselves if it's fulfilling.
Now, of course, I know many ofus have to have our day jobs or
(30:58):
whatever, but you are nine tofive, or whatever it's called,
because we need to put food onthe table.
But at the same time, we shouldgive ourselves permission to
explore some other options,because you know money isn't
everything.
You know.
Buying this or that or livinghere or there isn't everything.
(31:19):
You know, and I learned thatthe hard way when I lost
everything after leaving mymarriage after 27 years.
You know I had so much safetyand security, but it was all
false, and so you never know howstrong you can be until you're
you're put into a situation.
(31:40):
But I just want to leave youraudience with hope that you know
they can.
You know they can make changesin their lives and that's okay,
and it's okay to put yourselffirst.
It's not a selfish thing by anymeans.
You know it's kind of like putyour oxygen mask on first and
(32:01):
then help the person next to you.
Speaker 1 (32:03):
And it's so hard for some of us to see that I mean, I
know just as perfectly.
You know as you're as aneducator, me as a provider of
health, like we almost don'twant to do that, or even as moms
, right, and you almost, likeyou're instilled to kind of not
realize that you have to helpyourself, because you can't help
anyone if you're not available.
You know, if you're not able.
Speaker 2 (32:22):
Right and you want to encourage others to help
themselves.
You know so, like one thingwith my adult children, I always
try to instill self-sufficiency.
Try to instill self-sufficiency.
Follow your own passions.
Don't rely on everyone whereyou know abusers want the
opposite.
They want you dependent, theywant to take away your freedoms.
(32:45):
They and they want you to behappy, you know, even though you
, you know, are, are stifled andyou can't grow to be the person
that you are meant to be.
So you know, there's a lot ofhope for for all of us.
We just need to stay true toour, our positive values and
make some, make some decisionsabout our lives.
Speaker 1 (33:08):
You are so versed in what you say and I appreciate
your time.
I would love for the audienceto be able to reach you.
I know your first book is GodCame to my Garage Sale.
Would you recommend them toread that as your first book and
how can they reach youotherwise?
Speaker 2 (33:28):
Sure, Well, actually I'm not on social media because
I wanted to spend more time innature and enjoying my island as
well as writing, but I do havea website, which is
wwwgodcamedomygaragesalecom, andthere you can read about me.
You could read about thevarious books.
(33:48):
You know the six books I'vewritten myself, as well as the
five books that I havecoauthored as part of
anthologies.
You can, under the happeningsection, you can tune into this
podcast or many other podcastinterviews that I've done as far
as magazine articles I'vewritten or book signings and
(34:11):
that type of thing.
So, you know my website is thebest place to to um, to check
things out.
And then my books are all onAmazon or Barnes and Noble.
I'm with Balboa press, which isa division of Hay House.
Hey, how, wonderful.
Yeah, so that's who I am with,so you can even go on that
(34:33):
website and, uh, check out thebooks.
And if money is tight for you,which it is for a lot of people
right now, e-versions of thebooks are $3.99 online.
So libraries are carrying thebooks now and you know it's my
book is in bookstores all acrossthe nation and Europe and the
(34:56):
Caribbean.
Speaker 1 (34:57):
So well, I am so grateful for you know, your
spiritual teachings, your, yourtime and kind of bringing a
little bit of faith and love tolike others, like so that they
can have a little hope, you know, wherever they are in their
journey, whether it's, you know,in the beginning of their stage
or they just need to hear alittle bit of positivity.
So thank you so much again foryour time.
Speaker 2 (35:19):
Well, and thank you for what you do and for having
this wonderful platform.
You know, the mindfullyintegrative platform is just
fantastic.
It makes so much sense,especially now.
So thank you for what you aredoing and I I am glad you saw
value in what I'm doing.
Speaker 1 (35:36):
Yes, absolutely Well.
Thank you again and thosewatching.
Like I said to you, make sureyou find a mindful way each and
every day and you have abeautiful day, whether it's a
day or not.
Thanks again and we'll talkwith you soon.
Enjoy the next episode.
Popular Podcasts
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com