October 9, 2024 • 26 mins
Watch on youtube
Can releasing your attachment to someone actually lead to healthier relationships? Get ready for a thought-provoking journey into dating with detachment and discover how letting go of expectations can transform your connections. We’re thrilled to share some exciting updates, including the launch of our YouTube channel, where you can now watch all our episodes. Plus, you can text us anonymously with your stories or questions, making this a truly interactive experience. Oh, and we can't resist a little chat about our current TV obsession, "Tell Me Lies" on Hulu, which offers a perfect lens into the chaotic world of toxic relationships.
Understanding the balance between healthy detachment and over-attachment is key, and we’re here to guide you through this delicate dance. We'll explore how being overly invested in someone you like can tip the scales and how maintaining a sense of self-worth is crucial in dating. Through exploring our internal narratives and questioning if attachment is ever beneficial, we uncover why even in committed relationships, a pinch of detachment can be the secret ingredient to success.
Are you ready to reclaim your energy and break free from limiting thoughts? We're introducing our signature Freedom Formula, a 12-page workbook designed to help you align with your true self and step into a life of freedom and abundance. Download it from the show notes and start your path to total alignment. We’re immensely grateful for your support and can’t wait to continue this journey with you next week.
Chapters:
00:00 Intro, this is for you if you are tired of getting attached in dating
00:50 Updates on the podcast
01:30 Tell me Lies analogy for attached dating
05:30: Dating with Detachment: What is it?
07:50: What does it look like to be attached in dating?
09:21: Dating Detached vs Attached Dating
11:40: Should you ever be attached in dating?
13:35: When you feel emotionally connected to someone in dating
15:47: Why attached dating becomes obsessive
18:54: Question the reality of the connection
19:56: How can you detach in dating
20:10: Tools for detachment in dating
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SELF-DOUBT -> SELF-LOVE IN 30 DAYS | Are you ready to overcome self-doubt and fall deeply in love with yourself? This is the course for you!
THE AWAKENED WOMAN RETREAT | December 11-17, 2024 in the Jungle in Mexico (outside of Cancun) hosted by Sara Swanson and Danielle Sharkey!
PASSION TO PROFIT FREE COURSE | Go here to get access to Hannah's FREE course to learn how you can create a business doing what YOU love.
FOLLOW HANNAH ON TIKTOK + INSTAGRAM to activate your dream life!
FOLLOW SARA ON TIKTOK + INSTAGRAM to reclaim your femininity and highest self!
Find more on Mindfully Moody at: https://www.mindfully-moody.com/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
sara (00:00):
Hey girls, okay, this episode is for you.
If you are a single girl whogets a little bit too attached,
a little bit too obsessed whenyou are dating someone new,
maybe you are going on a fewdates with someone and you just
cannot stop thinking about them.
You cannot get it out of yourhead and it literally takes over
(00:21):
your life.
You know what we're talkingabout.
Okay, we've been through this,you've been through this.
So if this is you and you wantto release detachment of
relationships so that you caninvite in more healthy, abundant
relationships, keep listening.
hannah (00:38):
What's up babes?
Welcome back to Mindfully Moody.
We are so happy to have youhere on another episode and
before we get into the tea ofthis episode, I want to update
you guys on a couple of things.
Number one we are live onYouTube.
We are posting our videos,every single video that we are
recording on YouTube.
So you can go ahead and findthe link to this podcast in the
(01:00):
show notes and go and subscribeto our YouTube channel.
It's fun to watch us and ourexpressions and how we're
interacting, because we'realways using our hands, and if
you want a little moreinteraction, go watch us on
YouTube.
Also, we have a new featurecalled Text Us.
You can drop in the show notesand let us know.
Maybe you have stories aboutbeing attached in relationships
(01:20):
or maybe you have questions youwant us to answer on the podcast
or anything that you just wantto share with us or something
that resonates with the episode.
You can literally send us atext message.
We don't see the number, so youdon't have to like worry about
like us knowing who you are.
It is anonymous, but you cansend us a text, so we're excited
about that and you can findthat in the show notes.
And then also, if you are notfollowing us on Apple or Spotify
(01:42):
, be sure to go and subscribe soyou get updates every single
time we release an episode.
We did move our episode releasedates to Wednesdays now, so you
can expect new episodes everysingle Wednesday at 9 am.
So just a couple little notesthere.
And we also haven't done anyupdates lately and Sarah and I
haven't chatted in a minute, soI feel like we just need to do a
(02:04):
little kiki real quick beforewe hop into this episode.
What's up?
What's?
sara (02:09):
going down.
Yes, I know it's been a whilesince we've recorded because I
have some life updates going on.
Stay tuned A couple of weeksfor a solo episode where I will
talk through what's going onwith me, but I'm good.
I'm feeling good.
I wanted to gab about myobsession right now, which is
(02:33):
Tell Me Lies on Hulu, and I feellike this dating episode is a
perfect place to do it, becausethis show why does this show
have me in a chokehold like whydoes this show make me so
emotional?
Talk about attachment.
hannah (02:50):
You feel this lucy can't let him go.
Oh my gosh, that part.
When he went to went to herdorm room and he's like, wow,
this is so fucking embarrassing.
sara (03:05):
Like literally my heart stopped.
hannah (03:07):
My heart stopped in that moment.
sara (03:09):
Oh, she was there.
hannah (03:10):
She was like I'm back baby.
sara (03:12):
She was like, say, less baby, I'm here.
Yeah, it's just so triggeringto watch all of these
relationships play out.
And then the fact that they'refast forwarding and, like you
know that, like, literally,lucy's best play out.
And then the fact that they'refast forwarding and like you
know that, like literally,lucy's best friend is ending up
with Steven, like it's just,like it's too much, like Pippa,
(03:33):
and why am I forgetting her name, diana?
I'm so confused.
hannah (03:36):
What the hell is going on there?
Like I don't get it.
The flashbacks confuse mebecause I'm like okay, what time
are we in?
Like it's like 2008.
I'm like is this present?
So Diana and Pippa end up beingtogether Dating.
sara (03:51):
Yes, what?
Yes, they're literally datingeach other.
Like, how does that happen?
Like Lucy telling Diana aboutthe car crash, like why does she
not believe her?
Is she lying about her LSATscore?
hannah (04:06):
I think she is Okay, I'm really getting into it, but
okay, no, I feel like Diana isOkay, we're really getting into
it, but okay, no, I feel likeDiana is like being weird, like
it's like she's like playing therelationship, like there's
something that she's doing and Idon't know what, Like why she's
like faking that.
She like likes Steven orsomething.
sara (04:23):
I don't know.
Yes, for some odd reason, Ithink she realizes how dangerous
he is and she's like trying tolike get out of the relationship
in the best way possible.
You know what I mean.
But yeah, it's toxic.
But it is just, it's toxic.
It's just such an example of, Imean, being young and crazy and
out of control.
But just also the toxicity andthe places that men can take
(04:48):
women in relationships and theplaces that men can take women
in relationships.
hannah (04:50):
And these women and like their value, like their value
is so driven on validation frommen and it's like they're
looking like Lucy, like lookingat men for like validation that
she's enough kind of thing.
sara (05:11):
Yeah, oh, you haven't watched the new episode and
there is.
Oh, I can't wait.
Lucy, lucy girl, she stillain't over it.
It's like move on, move on.
The picture.
Perfect example of attachment.
hannah (05:30):
All right, well, without further ado, let's get into
this episode and chat aboutdating with detachment.
So let's start and talk aboutwhat is dating with detachment
in the first place.
sara (05:43):
Oh yeah, this is such a tough one because I don't know
if I ever actually did this inmy dating life.
She was attached as fuck.
But let's talk about what thatis.
I feel like I'm sure there's alot of definitions for this out
in the world, but I feel thatdating with detachment is dating
(06:05):
without placing expectationsonto the situation, not
necessarily onto someone else,because I think that we can have
standards and expectations ofhow we're treated, but
expectations and control of howthe situation is going to go.
The dating situation is goingto go.
(06:27):
So I think know situation isgoing to go.
So I think it's also a veryfeminine experience, dating with
detachment being really justable to surrender to the
experience without saying, okay,you know, I want him to act
this way, or, if he doesn't actthis way, then I'm going to act
this way and I'm going to gointo, like this game playing and
(06:48):
this toxic cycle tell me lies,vibes.
So I think it's yeah, it's justlike being in a more of a
sovereign but still open placewhen it comes to dating.
What do you think?
hannah (07:07):
Like I'm thinking about what the opposite of detachment
is and that's attachment.
So if you're dating somebody,you're feeling very attached,
like you can literally thinkabout like having like a bottle
in your hand and like grippingon, and so I feel like dating
with detachment is letting goand really feels like an energy
(07:29):
thing for me.
Like when you are dating, beingattached, it's like your energy
is going surrounding thisperson.
Like everything you do you'rethinking about this person,
every move that you're making,you're thinking how that you
know is going to affect thesituation, the way you show up,
like you're really consideringthat person and like almost not
in a good way, like an obsessiveway.
(07:50):
And I feel like dating detachedis kind of just like staying in
your own energetic field, likeholding your own energy, not
allowing that like leak to gotowards somebody else and like
consume you.
I think a lot of people getlike that when they're in
relationships like, or whenthey're dating someone, it's
like all of their energy isgoing towards them, thinking
(08:12):
about when they're going to textthem next, when they're going
to see them next, when, like,how they feel about them and
like making up all of thesestories.
So I think, like datingdetached is just like being in
your own energetic frame and notneeding validation from
external sources.
Whether that is dating orwhatever, whether that is
friendships, right Knowing yourvalue, knowing your worth,
(08:33):
knowing that you're going to beokay no matter what happens with
the situation, because you'regood on your own energetic
(08:53):
experience, because that isreally so much what it is.
sara (08:55):
When you become so attached to someone, it's your
energy is clinging into theirenergetic field, even if it's
not reciprocated, your energy istrying to almost magnetize in a
negative way into their fieldso that they like, hopefully,
click on with you.
You know which may or may nothappen.
hannah (09:15):
It's so interesting I was just talking to my friends
about this Like when you aredating someone and you really
like someone, it's just easierto get attached because you're
like oh, I really want this towork out.
But then, when you're datingsomeone who you don't really
like, oh, I really want this towork out.
But then when you're datingsomeone who you don't really
like like for in my case, whenI'm dating people who I'm like,
eh, like whatever, I'll go onanother date with them, but like
(09:36):
I don't know, I don't I don'tnecessarily feel like super
interested, but I'm like open,like I have zero detachment,
like I'm like I don't care whenI text them If they didn't
follow up on a date.
I'm like I don't really care.
Like it's like, how do youapply that same energy to
someone who you're not reallythat into, to someone who you
are into?
Because typically, when you'redating someone and you're like
(09:58):
obviously detached, they'realways wanting more of you.
It's like so interesting, yeahRight, because you're so
detached, like I don't care ifthis works out or not, because
I'm not really that interestedin you, but like it's like.
Why is that Like?
Why is it so easy to be notattached to people who Well,
because you don't Because you'renot into them.
You don't like them.
sara (10:17):
Why would you?
Yeah, it's like-.
hannah (10:20):
Like if yeah, I'm just trying to think of like the like
, how can you apply that energythat you give to someone that
you're not so into to someonethat you are into and still be
intentional but not put so muchpressure, you know, and so much
like energy towards it?
sara (10:40):
I think it's just all such an internal experience.
You know, it's all about theinternal world that we create
for ourselves, and that internalworld can either take you into
significant attachment, whereyou are, you know, creating
(11:02):
stories, and all of a suddenyou're thinking about.
You know, oh well, when thisperson proposes to me or when we
have kids together, or couldeven be not that serious.
You know, once he's when thisperson proposes to me or when we
have kids together, or couldeven be not that serious.
You know once he's my boyfriendand this is going to happen.
Or could also be like he'sseeing someone else and I'm not
good enough for him.
Like whatever narrative you'respinning in your head, you can
(11:25):
also have a narrative in yourhead for being detached.
So it's like what narrative areyou creating for yourself?
What reality are youperpetuating?
hannah (11:36):
Do you think that at any point, you should become
attached to somebody?
Because I feel like you shouldright.
If you're in a relationshipwith somebody that's when it's
mutual, when it's mutual, whenthere is commitment involved,
then maybe it's okay to beattached.
It's interesting to think about.
sara (11:59):
I still, yeah, it is because I still feel like, even
if you do have commitment, youknow, let's say that you're
dating someone for three monthsand it's going really well and
you both really like each other,and now you're deciding okay,
it's, you know, a month, four orfive, we're going to like
really get serious into arelationship and I'm crazy about
(12:20):
this person and vice versa, andnow I'm super attached, but you
still haven't really been withthe person that long.
You don't truly know them.
Yeah, know them, like you wouldwhen you've been with someone
for years.
You know.
So I don't know.
I mean, I think at some point,getting attached to someone is
inevitable, right, but I thinkit's absolutely possible to when
(12:46):
you're dating, especiallybecause we're talking about
dating with detachment, it'slike that, to me, is danger
territory.
Yes, like if you are getting tooattached.
When you are dating someone andit is, you are not in a serious
relationship yet there's notmutual commitment with the
person, and then you're just Imean you're setting yourself up
(13:09):
for like heartbreak, you know.
hannah (13:13):
Totally.
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
That's what I'm thinking too.
It's like I don't know if it'snecessarily called attached, you
know.
But I agree, when you're dating, like you know, just dating,
getting to know someone,remained attached.
But if there is furthercommitment, right, like that
person becomes your boyfriend,yeah, it's inevitable to be
attached.
Your emotions are going to betied to this person, because now
(13:35):
you are partners and your livesare mending together and you're
building a life together andall of these things.
So, like I don't know if that'snecessarily like attachment,
yeah, it could be.
I mean maybe a healthyattachment.
Of course, when you're in thatphase I feel like there's
different like things toconsider, like boundaries and
all of these things inrelationships.
But yeah, I feel like the goalis to stay detached until you
(14:03):
have some level of commitment tosomebody.
sara (14:08):
Yeah, I mean, I just think about you know younger version
of myself, when I would bedating someone and I would be so
attached to what the potentialoutcomes of the relationship
we're going to be are, superlike attached to their behavior
or the way that they wereshowing up, or, oh my gosh, like
(14:29):
this happened and now I'm justgoing to spend the next six days
with it completely taking overmy life.
Yep, literally.
It is going to seep into everysingle area of my life Work,
friendships, my personal time.
When I wake up, I'm thinkingabout it.
(14:51):
When I go to bed, I'm thinkingabout it.
When I'm in the bathroom, I'mthinking about it.
When I'm walking to theelevator, I'm thinking about it.
When I go to bed, I'm thinkingabout it.
When I'm in the bathroom, I'mthinking about it.
When I'm, you know, walking tothe elevator, I'm thinking about
it.
It's consuming.
Like that feeling is never good, like there's not a positive
experience that comes along withthat feeling, but sometimes it
(15:12):
tricks you into being that thatis a positive experience.
hannah (15:15):
Right, right, right.
You know we should talk aboutmore of these things.
What are some signs that peoplemight be getting too attached?
And the first thing that justcame to mind when you were
talking about that I had thisfriend a few years ago who was
so attached in dating and Iremember that she would like go
(15:38):
like she would be like dating aguy or like whatever dating
multiple guys and like she wouldgo on her Instagram story and
be like, oh my God, he viewed mystory, like he viewed my story
and like she would like telleveryone like he viewed my story
, like I'm like girl, you are soattached to this person for
validation, and not to like callthis person out, like I have
(15:58):
these moments, too, where I'mfeeling like super, you know,
attached in different aspectsand, yeah, that resonates too of
like waiting for somebody tocall or thinking about if
they're going to text, or likejust it's such an energy leak
for no good reason, yeah.
Or like just it's such anenergy leak for no good reason,
yeah.
sara (16:18):
I think the biggest sign skirt back up you are way too
attached to this person is whenyou have literally weaved an
entire future with them in yourhead that is not being
reciprocated, or is just thisfuture dream.
(16:38):
You're essentially putting thisprincess fairy tale dream onto
this person who is not actuallygiving you the steps towards
that dream, or it's too early onfor you to know if they're
misleading you or not.
So if you are early on I mean Idefinitely have friends who do
(17:00):
this.
You know who I'm thinking aboutI would do this again and again
and again because this is apattern.
This is definitely a patternJust because you do it with with
one person.
Like you can keep going anddoing this with with many people
, but this just dreaming, likeweaving this dream life together
(17:26):
because you're so attached, youneed it to work out with this
person You've.
You actually create youridentity and your future with
this person.
You actually create youridentity and your future with
this person that you really arenot in a true relationship with
yet, like if you find yourselfdoing that either to the person
(17:50):
you know directly, which mightscare the shit out of them, or
just to yourself, to yourfriends, like.
Whatever that experience islike, I think that you are in
too deep.
hannah (18:01):
Yeah, if you're giving girlfriend energy, wifey energy
on no commitment, I feel likethat is a sign.
It's like if you're you knowwhatever just starting to date
somebody, you're talking all thetime, you're going over to his
house like doing his laundry,going running him stuff over
(18:21):
when he hasn't committed to you,like you're probably a little
bit attached to him becauseyou're giving so much of
yourself and your energy to thisperson who probably doesn't
even actually deserve it at thismoment in time.
I think also another good thingis to think about, to challenge
the perception of theconnection.
Right, because we're so in ourhead like, oh my God, this
(18:42):
person called me.
Like we start to dream up thislife with them, we start to see
the possibilities.
But is that just a perception ofthe relationship that you're
desiring to have, that you'rehoping that this is going to
work out, or is that the actualreality of the connection that
you have, really taking a lookand saying what is this person
doing to show up for me?
How is this person beingintentional in dating me?
(19:06):
Do they actually see somethinglong-term with me?
I think really getting veryclear on what is the reality of
the connection, not what Ilearned from the Disney movie,
not what I've been literallymanifesting in my journal for
fucking years, like what is thisperson actually bringing to my
(19:26):
life and does that deserve theenergy that I'm giving?
Right, because if you're justknowing somebody, there's no
point to give all your energy tothem, because do they actually
deserve that right now in thefirst place?
Like it's like this, like levelof, like protecting yourself
and protecting your energy too,completely agree.
sara (19:51):
So how can you detach?
hannah (20:05):
One.
I think it is reclaiming yourown energy, Like having this
sense of awareness of where yourenergy is being leaked in
dating is very, very important.
Like clocking it.
Like okay, I'm sitting here onmy phone, like what am I
thinking?
Okay, I have this awarenessthat I'm wanting this person to
text me.
Or I'm going to bed and I'mthinking about this person.
(20:25):
Or I'm out on a Friday nightand I'm hoping to run into this
person.
Like, really start to clock yourenergy and how much you're
thinking about this person thatyou're dating.
Because I think the awarenessis key.
We waste so much time thinkingabout other people, especially
(20:45):
in dating, when we could beusing our precious time to focus
on ourselves, to bring thatvalue back into us, to focus on
our business, our health, likeall of these amazing things that
we've already built in our life.
Yet we find ourselves givingour energy away to something
that's not even a thing yet inour life way to something that's
(21:09):
not even a thing yet in ourlife.
So I think, doing a generalaudit on your thoughts and your
emotions and if they are goingto somebody, if you're
constantly thinking aboutsomebody, how can you create
that awareness and start tobring that energy back and pour
it into your own life ratherthan pour it into somebody
else's.
sara (21:26):
Absolutely, and I know that this is so challenging.
When you're already in thatrabbit hole of the attachment,
it is really hard to pullyourself out.
I would say this is somethingthat we always talk about If you
don't know why you get soattached to something in the
first place, why you have thoseattachment wounds, how can you
(21:49):
ever heal them?
Because, like I was sayingbefore, this is typically a
pattern for people.
This isn't like oh, I got superattached to one person, but
that's really atypical for meand I usually don't fall that
fast or don't get into thestorytelling mode so fast.
So where is that attachmentwound from?
(22:10):
For a lot of people it's fromchildhood.
It could be from childhood.
It could be from a pastrelationship, some relationship
where there was severeattachment that was broken, or
you were in a relationship thatyou never got the type of
(22:34):
reassurance, the type of lovequote unquote that you feel like
you're now getting from otherpeople.
So you're trying to attach onto.
That feeling also likely goesback to childhood.
But really, doing the work andsitting with yourself, I feel
like this is such a thing thatI'm seeing in the feminine
collective right now of womenreclaiming themselves, like
(22:58):
you're saying and also divingdeeper into, why am I doing this
in the first place and how canI heal this on a long-term basis
, so that I don't keep repeatingthis pattern continuously?
Yep.
hannah (23:11):
Yep, and with that, too, I think it's also like
understanding what you're tryingto get out of that situation of
, like that desiring of someoneto text you, or like desiring
someone to ask you on a date orto call you or to want to spend
time with you.
Like, when you have thatlonging, that attachment to the
outcome, ask yourself, what areyou seeking right now?
(23:32):
Because a lot of times, when itcomes back to wounds of the
childhood, right, you're like,okay, I'm noticing that I'm
longing for this person to reachout.
Okay, I'm, I'm realizing,actually I'm just looking for
validation, like I just wantsomeone to give me some energy
and attention and let me knowthat I'm good enough.
And so I think it's gettingcrystal clear on, like, what it
(23:54):
is that you're looking for fromthat person to bring into your
life and to give you and to makeyou feel.
And then it's about pouring thatright back in your cup and
saying, okay, if I'm looking forvalidation from somebody, how
can I validate myself?
And look at all the incrediblethings that I've built in my
life, right, like, oh my gosh, Ihave amazing friendships, these
people who love me and see thelight in myself, or see the
(24:17):
light in me and love to bearound me.
Call a friend, go exercise,like get in your body, like,
just like get into thatappreciation and like really
build yourself up, because we sowant it from other people.
But sometimes, when we want itfrom other people, that
validation that means that weneeded the most ourselves first.
So I really challenge people tothink about, like, if you're
(24:40):
having that desire for somebody,having that attachment, ask
yourself what you're looking toget from them and then give that
to yourself.
sara (24:50):
The best.
When we're searching forsomething externally, it's often
because it's what we need togive ourselves internally, and
sometimes it feels like no, no,no, no, I could never give
myself the love that arelationship could give me, and
(25:11):
X, y and Z but those are alsojust stories that you're telling
yourself.
Right, you absolutely can fillyourself with such love that is
fulfilling and uplifting andcreates that sense of safety and
security in yourself, which isultimately what you are desiring
to get from being attached tosomeone is safety, security,
(25:35):
that form of comfort that youdon't feel when you're alone.
So, prioritizing that foryourself, how can you make
yourself feel safe, comfortable,secure in your own life, right?
hannah (25:50):
now Beautiful.
Go get detached, reclaim yourenergy.
If you guys want some supportwith this, we have our signature
free resource, the FreedomFormula, where you can break
free from your mind, get intototal alignment and step into
(26:12):
the freedom that you desire inyour life.
You guys can go download thisfree 12-page workbook down below
in the show notes and reallystart to get into this alignment
, reclaim your energy andremember who you are, so you no
longer need validation fromother people.
I love this episode.
Thank you, guys, so much forlistening.
Thank you, we will see you nextweek.
(26:34):
Have a beautiful time.
Hey girls, okay, this episode is for you.
If you are a single girl whogets a little bit too attached,
a little bit too obsessed whenyou are dating someone new,
maybe you are going on a fewdates with someone and you just
cannot stop thinking about them.
You cannot get it out of yourhead and it literally takes over
(00:21):
your life.
You know what we're talkingabout.
Okay, we've been through this,you've been through this.
So if this is you and you wantto release detachment of
relationships so that you caninvite in more healthy, abundant
relationships, keep listening.
hannah (00:38):
What's up babes?
Welcome back to Mindfully Moody.
We are so happy to have youhere on another episode and
before we get into the tea ofthis episode, I want to update
you guys on a couple of things.
Number one we are live onYouTube.
We are posting our videos,every single video that we are
recording on YouTube.
So you can go ahead and findthe link to this podcast in the
(01:00):
show notes and go and subscribeto our YouTube channel.
It's fun to watch us and ourexpressions and how we're
interacting, because we'realways using our hands, and if
you want a little moreinteraction, go watch us on
YouTube.
Also, we have a new featurecalled Text Us.
You can drop in the show notesand let us know.
Maybe you have stories aboutbeing attached in relationships
(01:20):
or maybe you have questions youwant us to answer on the podcast
or anything that you just wantto share with us or something
that resonates with the episode.
You can literally send us atext message.
We don't see the number, so youdon't have to like worry about
like us knowing who you are.
It is anonymous, but you cansend us a text, so we're excited
about that and you can findthat in the show notes.
And then also, if you are notfollowing us on Apple or Spotify
(01:42):
, be sure to go and subscribe soyou get updates every single
time we release an episode.
We did move our episode releasedates to Wednesdays now, so you
can expect new episodes everysingle Wednesday at 9 am.
So just a couple little notesthere.
And we also haven't done anyupdates lately and Sarah and I
haven't chatted in a minute, soI feel like we just need to do a
(02:04):
little kiki real quick beforewe hop into this episode.
What's up?
What's?
sara (02:09):
going down.
Yes, I know it's been a whilesince we've recorded because I
have some life updates going on.
Stay tuned A couple of weeksfor a solo episode where I will
talk through what's going onwith me, but I'm good.
I'm feeling good.
I wanted to gab about myobsession right now, which is
(02:33):
Tell Me Lies on Hulu, and I feellike this dating episode is a
perfect place to do it, becausethis show why does this show
have me in a chokehold like whydoes this show make me so
emotional?
Talk about attachment.
hannah (02:50):
You feel this lucy can't let him go.
Oh my gosh, that part.
When he went to went to herdorm room and he's like, wow,
this is so fucking embarrassing.
sara (03:05):
Like literally my heart stopped.
hannah (03:07):
My heart stopped in that moment.
sara (03:09):
Oh, she was there.
hannah (03:10):
She was like I'm back baby.
sara (03:12):
She was like, say, less baby, I'm here.
Yeah, it's just so triggeringto watch all of these
relationships play out.
And then the fact that they'refast forwarding and, like you
know that, like, literally,lucy's best play out.
And then the fact that they'refast forwarding and like you
know that, like literally,lucy's best friend is ending up
with Steven, like it's just,like it's too much, like Pippa,
(03:33):
and why am I forgetting her name, diana?
I'm so confused.
hannah (03:36):
What the hell is going on there?
Like I don't get it.
The flashbacks confuse mebecause I'm like okay, what time
are we in?
Like it's like 2008.
I'm like is this present?
So Diana and Pippa end up beingtogether Dating.
sara (03:51):
Yes, what?
Yes, they're literally datingeach other.
Like, how does that happen?
Like Lucy telling Diana aboutthe car crash, like why does she
not believe her?
Is she lying about her LSATscore?
hannah (04:06):
I think she is Okay, I'm really getting into it, but
okay, no, I feel like Diana isOkay, we're really getting into
it, but okay, no, I feel likeDiana is like being weird, like
it's like she's like playing therelationship, like there's
something that she's doing and Idon't know what, Like why she's
like faking that.
She like likes Steven orsomething.
sara (04:23):
I don't know.
Yes, for some odd reason, Ithink she realizes how dangerous
he is and she's like trying tolike get out of the relationship
in the best way possible.
You know what I mean.
But yeah, it's toxic.
But it is just, it's toxic.
It's just such an example of, Imean, being young and crazy and
out of control.
But just also the toxicity andthe places that men can take
(04:48):
women in relationships and theplaces that men can take women
in relationships.
hannah (04:50):
And these women and like their value, like their value
is so driven on validation frommen and it's like they're
looking like Lucy, like lookingat men for like validation that
she's enough kind of thing.
sara (05:11):
Yeah, oh, you haven't watched the new episode and
there is.
Oh, I can't wait.
Lucy, lucy girl, she stillain't over it.
It's like move on, move on.
The picture.
Perfect example of attachment.
hannah (05:30):
All right, well, without further ado, let's get into
this episode and chat aboutdating with detachment.
So let's start and talk aboutwhat is dating with detachment
in the first place.
sara (05:43):
Oh yeah, this is such a tough one because I don't know
if I ever actually did this inmy dating life.
She was attached as fuck.
But let's talk about what thatis.
I feel like I'm sure there's alot of definitions for this out
in the world, but I feel thatdating with detachment is dating
(06:05):
without placing expectationsonto the situation, not
necessarily onto someone else,because I think that we can have
standards and expectations ofhow we're treated, but
expectations and control of howthe situation is going to go.
The dating situation is goingto go.
(06:27):
So I think know situation isgoing to go.
So I think it's also a veryfeminine experience, dating with
detachment being really justable to surrender to the
experience without saying, okay,you know, I want him to act
this way, or, if he doesn't actthis way, then I'm going to act
this way and I'm going to gointo, like this game playing and
(06:48):
this toxic cycle tell me lies,vibes.
So I think it's yeah, it's justlike being in a more of a
sovereign but still open placewhen it comes to dating.
What do you think?
hannah (07:07):
Like I'm thinking about what the opposite of detachment
is and that's attachment.
So if you're dating somebody,you're feeling very attached,
like you can literally thinkabout like having like a bottle
in your hand and like grippingon, and so I feel like dating
with detachment is letting goand really feels like an energy
(07:29):
thing for me.
Like when you are dating, beingattached, it's like your energy
is going surrounding thisperson.
Like everything you do you'rethinking about this person,
every move that you're making,you're thinking how that you
know is going to affect thesituation, the way you show up,
like you're really consideringthat person and like almost not
in a good way, like an obsessiveway.
(07:50):
And I feel like dating detachedis kind of just like staying in
your own energetic field, likeholding your own energy, not
allowing that like leak to gotowards somebody else and like
consume you.
I think a lot of people getlike that when they're in
relationships like, or whenthey're dating someone, it's
like all of their energy isgoing towards them, thinking
(08:12):
about when they're going to textthem next, when they're going
to see them next, when, like,how they feel about them and
like making up all of thesestories.
So I think, like datingdetached is just like being in
your own energetic frame and notneeding validation from
external sources.
Whether that is dating orwhatever, whether that is
friendships, right Knowing yourvalue, knowing your worth,
(08:33):
knowing that you're going to beokay no matter what happens with
the situation, because you'regood on your own energetic
(08:53):
experience, because that isreally so much what it is.
sara (08:55):
When you become so attached to someone, it's your
energy is clinging into theirenergetic field, even if it's
not reciprocated, your energy istrying to almost magnetize in a
negative way into their fieldso that they like, hopefully,
click on with you.
You know which may or may nothappen.
hannah (09:15):
It's so interesting I was just talking to my friends
about this Like when you aredating someone and you really
like someone, it's just easierto get attached because you're
like oh, I really want this towork out.
But then, when you're datingsomeone who you don't really
like, oh, I really want this towork out.
But then when you're datingsomeone who you don't really
like like for in my case, whenI'm dating people who I'm like,
eh, like whatever, I'll go onanother date with them, but like
(09:36):
I don't know, I don't I don'tnecessarily feel like super
interested, but I'm like open,like I have zero detachment,
like I'm like I don't care whenI text them If they didn't
follow up on a date.
I'm like I don't really care.
Like it's like, how do youapply that same energy to
someone who you're not reallythat into, to someone who you
are into?
Because typically, when you'redating someone and you're like
(09:58):
obviously detached, they'realways wanting more of you.
It's like so interesting, yeahRight, because you're so
detached, like I don't care ifthis works out or not, because
I'm not really that interestedin you, but like it's like.
Why is that Like?
Why is it so easy to be notattached to people who Well,
because you don't Because you'renot into them.
You don't like them.
sara (10:17):
Why would you?
Yeah, it's like-.
hannah (10:20):
Like if yeah, I'm just trying to think of like the like
, how can you apply that energythat you give to someone that
you're not so into to someonethat you are into and still be
intentional but not put so muchpressure, you know, and so much
like energy towards it?
sara (10:40):
I think it's just all such an internal experience.
You know, it's all about theinternal world that we create
for ourselves, and that internalworld can either take you into
significant attachment, whereyou are, you know, creating
(11:02):
stories, and all of a suddenyou're thinking about.
You know, oh well, when thisperson proposes to me or when we
have kids together, or couldeven be not that serious.
You know, once he's when thisperson proposes to me or when we
have kids together, or couldeven be not that serious.
You know once he's my boyfriendand this is going to happen.
Or could also be like he'sseeing someone else and I'm not
good enough for him.
Like whatever narrative you'respinning in your head, you can
(11:25):
also have a narrative in yourhead for being detached.
So it's like what narrative areyou creating for yourself?
What reality are youperpetuating?
hannah (11:36):
Do you think that at any point, you should become
attached to somebody?
Because I feel like you shouldright.
If you're in a relationshipwith somebody that's when it's
mutual, when it's mutual, whenthere is commitment involved,
then maybe it's okay to beattached.
It's interesting to think about.
sara (11:59):
I still, yeah, it is because I still feel like, even
if you do have commitment, youknow, let's say that you're
dating someone for three monthsand it's going really well and
you both really like each other,and now you're deciding okay,
it's, you know, a month, four orfive, we're going to like
really get serious into arelationship and I'm crazy about
(12:20):
this person and vice versa, andnow I'm super attached, but you
still haven't really been withthe person that long.
You don't truly know them.
Yeah, know them, like you wouldwhen you've been with someone
for years.
You know.
So I don't know.
I mean, I think at some point,getting attached to someone is
inevitable, right, but I thinkit's absolutely possible to when
(12:46):
you're dating, especiallybecause we're talking about
dating with detachment, it'slike that, to me, is danger
territory.
Yes, like if you are getting tooattached.
When you are dating someone andit is, you are not in a serious
relationship yet there's notmutual commitment with the
person, and then you're just Imean you're setting yourself up
(13:09):
for like heartbreak, you know.
hannah (13:13):
Totally.
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
That's what I'm thinking too.
It's like I don't know if it'snecessarily called attached, you
know.
But I agree, when you're dating, like you know, just dating,
getting to know someone,remained attached.
But if there is furthercommitment, right, like that
person becomes your boyfriend,yeah, it's inevitable to be
attached.
Your emotions are going to betied to this person, because now
(13:35):
you are partners and your livesare mending together and you're
building a life together andall of these things.
So, like I don't know if that'snecessarily like attachment,
yeah, it could be.
I mean maybe a healthyattachment.
Of course, when you're in thatphase I feel like there's
different like things toconsider, like boundaries and
all of these things inrelationships.
But yeah, I feel like the goalis to stay detached until you
(14:03):
have some level of commitment tosomebody.
sara (14:08):
Yeah, I mean, I just think about you know younger version
of myself, when I would bedating someone and I would be so
attached to what the potentialoutcomes of the relationship
we're going to be are, superlike attached to their behavior
or the way that they wereshowing up, or, oh my gosh, like
(14:29):
this happened and now I'm justgoing to spend the next six days
with it completely taking overmy life.
Yep, literally.
It is going to seep into everysingle area of my life Work,
friendships, my personal time.
When I wake up, I'm thinkingabout it.
(14:51):
When I go to bed, I'm thinkingabout it.
When I'm in the bathroom, I'mthinking about it.
When I'm walking to theelevator, I'm thinking about it.
When I go to bed, I'm thinkingabout it.
When I'm in the bathroom, I'mthinking about it.
When I'm, you know, walking tothe elevator, I'm thinking about
it.
It's consuming.
Like that feeling is never good, like there's not a positive
experience that comes along withthat feeling, but sometimes it
(15:12):
tricks you into being that thatis a positive experience.
hannah (15:15):
Right, right, right.
You know we should talk aboutmore of these things.
What are some signs that peoplemight be getting too attached?
And the first thing that justcame to mind when you were
talking about that I had thisfriend a few years ago who was
so attached in dating and Iremember that she would like go
(15:38):
like she would be like dating aguy or like whatever dating
multiple guys and like she wouldgo on her Instagram story and
be like, oh my God, he viewed mystory, like he viewed my story
and like she would like telleveryone like he viewed my story
, like I'm like girl, you are soattached to this person for
validation, and not to like callthis person out, like I have
(15:58):
these moments, too, where I'mfeeling like super, you know,
attached in different aspectsand, yeah, that resonates too of
like waiting for somebody tocall or thinking about if
they're going to text, or likejust it's such an energy leak
for no good reason, yeah.
Or like just it's such anenergy leak for no good reason,
yeah.
sara (16:18):
I think the biggest sign skirt back up you are way too
attached to this person is whenyou have literally weaved an
entire future with them in yourhead that is not being
reciprocated, or is just thisfuture dream.
(16:38):
You're essentially putting thisprincess fairy tale dream onto
this person who is not actuallygiving you the steps towards
that dream, or it's too early onfor you to know if they're
misleading you or not.
So if you are early on I mean Idefinitely have friends who do
(17:00):
this.
You know who I'm thinking aboutI would do this again and again
and again because this is apattern.
This is definitely a patternJust because you do it with with
one person.
Like you can keep going anddoing this with with many people
, but this just dreaming, likeweaving this dream life together
(17:26):
because you're so attached, youneed it to work out with this
person You've.
You actually create youridentity and your future with
this person.
You actually create youridentity and your future with
this person that you really arenot in a true relationship with
yet, like if you find yourselfdoing that either to the person
(17:50):
you know directly, which mightscare the shit out of them, or
just to yourself, to yourfriends, like.
Whatever that experience islike, I think that you are in
too deep.
hannah (18:01):
Yeah, if you're giving girlfriend energy, wifey energy
on no commitment, I feel likethat is a sign.
It's like if you're you knowwhatever just starting to date
somebody, you're talking all thetime, you're going over to his
house like doing his laundry,going running him stuff over
(18:21):
when he hasn't committed to you,like you're probably a little
bit attached to him becauseyou're giving so much of
yourself and your energy to thisperson who probably doesn't
even actually deserve it at thismoment in time.
I think also another good thingis to think about, to challenge
the perception of theconnection.
Right, because we're so in ourhead like, oh my God, this
(18:42):
person called me.
Like we start to dream up thislife with them, we start to see
the possibilities.
But is that just a perception ofthe relationship that you're
desiring to have, that you'rehoping that this is going to
work out, or is that the actualreality of the connection that
you have, really taking a lookand saying what is this person
doing to show up for me?
How is this person beingintentional in dating me?
(19:06):
Do they actually see somethinglong-term with me?
I think really getting veryclear on what is the reality of
the connection, not what Ilearned from the Disney movie,
not what I've been literallymanifesting in my journal for
fucking years, like what is thisperson actually bringing to my
(19:26):
life and does that deserve theenergy that I'm giving?
Right, because if you're justknowing somebody, there's no
point to give all your energy tothem, because do they actually
deserve that right now in thefirst place?
Like it's like this, like levelof, like protecting yourself
and protecting your energy too,completely agree.
sara (19:51):
So how can you detach?
hannah (20:05):
One.
I think it is reclaiming yourown energy, Like having this
sense of awareness of where yourenergy is being leaked in
dating is very, very important.
Like clocking it.
Like okay, I'm sitting here onmy phone, like what am I
thinking?
Okay, I have this awarenessthat I'm wanting this person to
text me.
Or I'm going to bed and I'mthinking about this person.
(20:25):
Or I'm out on a Friday nightand I'm hoping to run into this
person.
Like, really start to clock yourenergy and how much you're
thinking about this person thatyou're dating.
Because I think the awarenessis key.
We waste so much time thinkingabout other people, especially
(20:45):
in dating, when we could beusing our precious time to focus
on ourselves, to bring thatvalue back into us, to focus on
our business, our health, likeall of these amazing things that
we've already built in our life.
Yet we find ourselves givingour energy away to something
that's not even a thing yet inour life way to something that's
(21:09):
not even a thing yet in ourlife.
So I think, doing a generalaudit on your thoughts and your
emotions and if they are goingto somebody, if you're
constantly thinking aboutsomebody, how can you create
that awareness and start tobring that energy back and pour
it into your own life ratherthan pour it into somebody
else's.
sara (21:26):
Absolutely, and I know that this is so challenging.
When you're already in thatrabbit hole of the attachment,
it is really hard to pullyourself out.
I would say this is somethingthat we always talk about If you
don't know why you get soattached to something in the
first place, why you have thoseattachment wounds, how can you
(21:49):
ever heal them?
Because, like I was sayingbefore, this is typically a
pattern for people.
This isn't like oh, I got superattached to one person, but
that's really atypical for meand I usually don't fall that
fast or don't get into thestorytelling mode so fast.
So where is that attachmentwound from?
(22:10):
For a lot of people it's fromchildhood.
It could be from childhood.
It could be from a pastrelationship, some relationship
where there was severeattachment that was broken, or
you were in a relationship thatyou never got the type of
(22:34):
reassurance, the type of lovequote unquote that you feel like
you're now getting from otherpeople.
So you're trying to attach onto.
That feeling also likely goesback to childhood.
But really, doing the work andsitting with yourself, I feel
like this is such a thing thatI'm seeing in the feminine
collective right now of womenreclaiming themselves, like
(22:58):
you're saying and also divingdeeper into, why am I doing this
in the first place and how canI heal this on a long-term basis
, so that I don't keep repeatingthis pattern continuously?
Yep.
hannah (23:11):
Yep, and with that, too, I think it's also like
understanding what you're tryingto get out of that situation of
, like that desiring of someoneto text you, or like desiring
someone to ask you on a date orto call you or to want to spend
time with you.
Like, when you have thatlonging, that attachment to the
outcome, ask yourself, what areyou seeking right now?
(23:32):
Because a lot of times, when itcomes back to wounds of the
childhood, right, you're like,okay, I'm noticing that I'm
longing for this person to reachout.
Okay, I'm, I'm realizing,actually I'm just looking for
validation, like I just wantsomeone to give me some energy
and attention and let me knowthat I'm good enough.
And so I think it's gettingcrystal clear on, like, what it
(23:54):
is that you're looking for fromthat person to bring into your
life and to give you and to makeyou feel.
And then it's about pouring thatright back in your cup and
saying, okay, if I'm looking forvalidation from somebody, how
can I validate myself?
And look at all the incrediblethings that I've built in my
life, right, like, oh my gosh, Ihave amazing friendships, these
people who love me and see thelight in myself, or see the
(24:17):
light in me and love to bearound me.
Call a friend, go exercise,like get in your body, like,
just like get into thatappreciation and like really
build yourself up, because we sowant it from other people.
But sometimes, when we want itfrom other people, that
validation that means that weneeded the most ourselves first.
So I really challenge people tothink about, like, if you're
(24:40):
having that desire for somebody,having that attachment, ask
yourself what you're looking toget from them and then give that
to yourself.
sara (24:50):
The best.
When we're searching forsomething externally, it's often
because it's what we need togive ourselves internally, and
sometimes it feels like no, no,no, no, I could never give
myself the love that arelationship could give me, and
(25:11):
X, y and Z but those are alsojust stories that you're telling
yourself.
Right, you absolutely can fillyourself with such love that is
fulfilling and uplifting andcreates that sense of safety and
security in yourself, which isultimately what you are desiring
to get from being attached tosomeone is safety, security,
(25:35):
that form of comfort that youdon't feel when you're alone.
So, prioritizing that foryourself, how can you make
yourself feel safe, comfortable,secure in your own life, right?
hannah (25:50):
now Beautiful.
Go get detached, reclaim yourenergy.
If you guys want some supportwith this, we have our signature
free resource, the FreedomFormula, where you can break
free from your mind, get intototal alignment and step into
(26:12):
the freedom that you desire inyour life.
You guys can go download thisfree 12-page workbook down below
in the show notes and reallystart to get into this alignment
, reclaim your energy andremember who you are, so you no
longer need validation fromother people.
I love this episode.
Thank you, guys, so much forlistening.
Thank you, we will see you nextweek.
(26:34):
Have a beautiful time.
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