November 27, 2024 • 25 mins
What if the fear of letting others down is the very thing holding you back from living your most authentic life? Join us on Mindfully Moody as we unravel the complex web of emotions tied to the fear of disappointing others. Through a heartfelt personal story about a camping trip, we illustrate the struggle between personal needs and the desire for external validation. Discover how openly communicating your needs, much like asking to leave early for the sake of rest, can foster understanding and supportive relationships. It's all about reclaiming your personal power and valuing self-worth, once you realize that your voice matters more than the approval of others.
Explore the roots of this pervasive fear, often seeded in childhood experiences and societal expectations that condition us to prioritize harmony over authenticity. We challenge these ingrained beliefs, emphasizing that your intrinsic value isn't determined by how others perceive you. Society's norms might dictate that we are responsible for others' emotional responses, but we argue otherwise, encouraging you to stand firm in your truth. Are those who can't respect your authenticity worth keeping around? Empower yourself by questioning their role in your life and choosing well-being and authenticity over the burden of external approval.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello, our beautiful friends, and welcome back to
your favorite podcast, mindfullyMoody.
My name is Hannah and I'mjoined by my bestie and co-host,
sarah, and we are so gratefulto have you on another episode
of Mindfully Moody.
On this podcast, we talk aboutself-development, spirituality,
tapping into the highest versionof yourself.
(00:22):
So if you're new here, welcometo the Moody family.
Today we are talking about thefear of disappointing others and
maybe the fear of disappointingyourself.
This has been a theme for me myentire life because of the way I
(00:44):
was raised, and I wanted totalk about this on the podcast,
one for healing in myself,creating this awareness of
myself, and also to shed somelight on how you can kind of let
go of this fear ofdisappointing people and really
take your power back into yourown hands, living the life that
you want to live and not needingthat approval from others to
(01:08):
know your own value.
So yeah, let's get into it,sarah.
So let's maybe just talk aboutwhat is the fear of
disappointing people and how canthat show up in our lives.
How can that?
Speaker 2 (01:24):
show up in our lives.
Yeah, this is such a big onethat so many people resonate
with, and I feel like it showsup in such different ways
because it is a very broad andpowerful fear.
If you are someone that has ahard time feeling like you're
(01:48):
speaking what you really want tosay to someone, maybe you know
that you want to tell yourpartner, your parent, your
friend, your coworker X, y and Zthing, but there is something
in you that is like girl, youcan't say that, whether it's
(02:11):
your inner narrator or the voicein your head saying that, or
you feel that you have thisphysical inability to express
yourself and what you have tosay.
This so often leads back tothat.
You have a fear of disappointingother people because you have a
(02:34):
fear of not being accepted byother people.
You have a fear of what itwould be like if people didn't
quote, unquote, like you or wantto be around you.
It's like the disappointingpeople is one layer and then you
can go deeper and it really isa self-worth and self-value fear
(02:58):
as well, and so it can show upin a lot of different ways.
Well, and so it can show up ina lot of different ways, but I
feel like the most common waysthat it shows up is that
inability to express your truthand you, essentially, are hiding
(03:20):
or holding on to whatever youneed to say, because you feel
like if you say it, somethingwill come from it.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
Yeah, yeah, I have a very real recent example that I
want to share, to drive thishome and let people know like
let people know kind of how thiscan show up in real life.
So this past weekend I wascamping with all my friends and
it was like such a beautifulweekend.
(03:55):
Like my friend prepared likeeverything for us to go camping.
It was like so fun.
But I personally, me, I have Isee myself as an extrovert but
I'm also very introverted inthat like I really need my time
to recharge and like camping forlike two, two days, like it
just is like pushing me a littlebit, like too much.
(04:15):
And so I like set thisexpectation, kind of like even
before going in, like I mightleave Saturday, you know, like
Saturday night, and like go likeI I'll hang out all day but I
might, you know, leave whatever,and like in that already owning
that there's, there's fearcoming up that I'm going to
disappoint people, that ofcourse my friends like they want
me to stay there.
They're going to have a goodtime If I'm there, me making
(04:38):
myself so important the time isgoing to be better if I am here.
Speaker 2 (04:42):
That's true.
That is true.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
They love you, they want to be with you, yeah, so so
, whatever, like we have anamazing day on Saturday and then
the night falls and you know,I'm having this in me.
My other friend is like, tellsme he's like, oh, I'm going home
and I'm like I just have thislike in me, I'm like I want to
go home.
Like once you get it in yourhead like I just want to go home
, like I just I just want to gohome.
(05:03):
Nothing, nothing was wrong withanything that anybody did.
Like it was just me likefeeling I'm like I'm tired, I
want to sleep in my own bed.
My dog is literally so dirty.
Like I just like want to gohome.
And then I just had this like.
My other friend is like hey,I'm going home and, like you
know, people are like a littlebit disappointed, of course, but
(05:24):
like he's good because he's gotlike he's, he's, he knows he's
going, he's confident, he'ssolid on it.
But for me, it like took me awhile to like own that.
Like you guys, I because theythought I was gonna stay the
night and I literally like waslike you guys, I was so scared
to say it because I didn't wantthem to be like you know, and I
(05:47):
just like told them.
I like reflected that to them.
I'm like this is where thiswhole fear of disappointing
people came up in the firstplace for me, because I told
them I have this fear ofdisappointing you guys if I go
home and like I just reallyexpress my truth and like they
were all so loving, but inside,before I was doing it, it was
eating me alive.
My throat chakra, I was feelinganxious, my body was at all of
(06:08):
these things.
I was having a visceralreaction to me not being able to
speak what I actually wanted,because I was so afraid they
were going to be disappointed.
And then they were so loving.
They're like we want you tohonor yourself if that's what
you need.
Like you know, go home, we loveyou.
Like like you know, go home, welove you.
(06:30):
Like you're not disappointingus, you know.
Like so loving, which I'm sounderstanding.
Friends, as well as the themehere, I'm so appreciative of
that.
But like that fear, oh, it canjust eat you alive and that
holding in and not owning whatyou want can cause so much
tension in your body.
Speaker 2 (06:46):
So true.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
Yeah, so it was a really interesting experience
for me to practice that ofowning what I want and knowing
I'm still safe and knowing I'mstill valuable and that people
don't hate me.
Speaker 2 (06:58):
That's such a good example.
But I feel like it's alsointeresting to think about.
Obviously, this wouldn't havehappened with these specific
people, but what?
What if they didn't react likethat?
Yeah, what if they were like,really, hannah, we all agreed to
come here this weekend campingand you're leaving, and like we
(07:21):
think that that's so rude.
Like we set this up, like thisis real that some people could
be like this right, yeah, andyou know, go into this whole
like thing like now they'repissed at you and now they think
that you're selfish orsomething like that.
That's their shit, like that istheir stuff.
(07:42):
That's still, and I feel likethat's one of the most
empowering things as you startto shift into.
Ok, what would it look like ifI let go of this fear of
disappointing people?
There's this division of likewhat is mine and what is theirs.
Yeah, and why am I taking onwhat is theirs?
Speaker 1 (08:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
You know, like my fear of disappointment does that
.
How much of that comes from myown inner self and how much of
that comes from feeling like Ihave to show up, like how much
of that comes from me temperingmy own, you know, actions in
order to serve someone else'sneeds.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
Yeah, yeah, I think also Because this is really
deeply on my heart, because I'mchallenging myself of why I am
the way I am, and I just want tobe very compassionate to anyone
else who is experiencing this.
And you've experienced it, andI've experienced it Because on
my way home I'm thinking aboutthis.
(08:44):
I'm like, why am I like that?
Why am I placing so much valueon my actions to dictate how
other people feel?
And there's this thing calledlike, uh, like parent
parentification, somethingrelated to that, um, where
parents rely on their childrenfor their emotional wellbeing.
(09:07):
And I was thinking back to mychildhood and my dad, like often
relied on my actions.
That would either make himhappy or sad, right, if I would
do something for him.
Now he's not, you know, crying,or now he's not depressed
because I'm there with him.
And so I was like that's mostlikely where that wound came
(09:28):
from me, of if I, my actions,are going to affect someone
else's emotions, so I need totake the best action in order to
control and make this personhappier or protect them so they
don't feel sad.
And it's like that was never myresponsibility.
Anyway, it was never myresponsibility to regulate my
dad's emotions as a kid,absolutely, but I was programmed
(09:51):
that my actions affect that andso it makes sense and I have
that awareness now that like Iam that way.
But it's yeah, it's a whole newchallenge to be able to like
learn something new, like that Idon't have to do that, that I'm
not responsible for otherpeople's emotions, that you know
.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Yeah, oof, I love how you just linked that back,
because it's so true.
It's this why are we the waythat we are?
It is from something related tochildhood and you know, I feel
like in my own life I experiencethis a lot as well of not
(10:32):
necessarily someone relying onme for their emotional
well-being, but having a lot ofemotions all the time as a child
and in conjunction withinteractions with my parents and
there being a lot of chaos, alot of drama, and me having to
(10:55):
be the one or feeling like I hadto be the one that would kind
of step down in the situation orbe the one that would
compromise as the child.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
You know.
And so I felt like, well, I'mresponsible to, like, make
things better.
You know, I'm responsible tofix things, yeah.
So now I've translated that inmy life is like I don't even
want to put things into asituation where they need to be
fixed.
Yeah, so I don't want conflict.
(11:31):
And then I do see that in manyof the situations in my life, I
am the one that still has to bethe fixer, you know, or the one
that's going to go.
And it's like I see that, yeah,I have definitely created this
fear of disappointing peoplebecause I yeah, I don't, I don't
(11:55):
want to let anyone down, Idon't want to emotionally charge
other people.
Yeah, I want things to be evenkeel, I want things to be
positive.
So it's like it's hard for mesometimes to access, like my
(12:16):
truth, which is interestingbecause I feel like I used to be
really, really vocal about howI I felt, and now I've actually
almost internalized how I feelmore and hid how I feel more
because I just don't want chaosin my life and I have this idea
(12:37):
that if I express myself, it'sgoing to cause chaos.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
And it's going to disappoint someone.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
Yeah, yeah, it's so interesting how the childhood
they're different, but they canmanifest in similar ways, right?
Whether that is trying to keepthe peace, or by not speaking
the truth, or not doing thething that you want to do, or
doing the thing you don't wantto do in order to keep the peace
(13:04):
and keep everyone happy, I feellike it comes down to this
value piece, that I am valuable,no matter what anybody else
says.
I am doing the best thing for meand the people around me by
doing this thing right, actingin this way, saying this thing
and standing on that.
(13:24):
I think it's like coming,coming that full circle moment
of like knowing who you are,being your authentic self, and
like being able to stand in thatand like so strong.
It's like you're like this,like brick that like can never
be knocked down by anybodyelse's opinion because you're so
firm in how you believe and seeyourself.
But also this whole idea of thefear of disappointing people.
(13:48):
Again, there's like such acompassionate lens with it, like
it's just so loving, like, ohmy gosh, we don't want to hurt
people's feelings, we wantpeople to be happy, like right,
which is like.
Who can argue against that?
That's nice, yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
I just want everyone to get along and love each other
.
Yeah, yeah, and that is whereit stems from in a lot of ways,
and it's like I think that itstems from good intentions.
However, we sacrifice ourselvesat expense of those good
(14:26):
intentions sometimes, and thatis where I feel like the issue
arises.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
You know, and what you said about value is so true.
It's like, let's say that youand I have a conversation where
I'm going to tell you somethingthat disappoints you, in
whatever topic that it is.
Your disappointment does notmean that I am a less valuable
(14:51):
human being, like because I saidthis to you or that to you, or
because I took this action orthat action that felt in
alignment to what I wasexperiencing, and you therefore
are like wow, that you know, notlike you're going to freak out
on me.
Some people would right, peoplehave different reactions but
like, wow, you know, that's hardto receive or that's really
(15:13):
disappointing, or I'm sad, orI'm mad or whatever emotional
response that you have.
Even if you do freak out at meand say you, you know, or I
don't have to use you, but youknow what I mean, any individual
that you're going to have aninteraction with, even if
(15:34):
someone freaks out and tells youblah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, likethat doesn't lessen your value
as a person, as an individual.
Speaker 1 (15:44):
Yeah, yeah, it's like .
Oh, there's this like reallygood example.
It's like, just because I'mhaving in this hypothetical
situation, just because I'mhaving in this hypothetical
situation, just because I'mhaving this reaction, doesn't
mean that you're wrong inwhatever it is that you want.
It's like Right, yeah, it'slike it's, it's, it's hard.
(16:09):
It reminds me of rejection,like in dating too.
Like okay, you two people candate someone.
Just because someone rejectssomebody else, that doesn't mean
that they're a bad person.
That's just not the preferencethat that person wants.
So, like you can have adifferent opinion than me and I
could react in this certain way,but that doesn't mean that
you're wrong in the thing thatyou want.
It's just it didn't fit oralign with how I desired the
(16:30):
outcome to be.
Which feels like, if you'rehaving these, the fear of
disappointing people and thenpeople are disappointed.
But you are being in your truth, you are being your authentic
self, right, maybe, maybe thereisn't space for them in your
life.
You know, like I don't know,cause.
Yeah, if you them in your life.
You know, yeah, like I don'tknow because.
(16:51):
Yeah, if you think, if peopleyou know when I went camping if
they would have, you know,freaked out and reacted this way
.
It's like well, I don't reallywant people around me in my life
, that you know can't respect me.
Speaker 2 (17:04):
Yeah, yeah, so true.
And it's so hard to get to thisnarrative in our minds because
society teaches us that we'reresponsible for other people's
triggers.
So because you got mad atsomething that I told you.
And listen, if I'm coming atyou in like a super rude,
(17:25):
aggressive way, like that'sdifferent, but if I share
something with you and you knowyou get disappointed, you get
upset.
The way that society has taughtus is like well, now I'm wrong
because you got upset about itand I'm responsible for taking
you to that level.
So that's what we learned aschildren Like whoever was
(17:48):
getting mad in this situationwas like the one who was right
in a way, or like whoever was ifyou were offended, that person
was automatically the one in theright.
You know what I mean, and it'skind of bizarre to think like
that, because it's like well, Imean that wasn't my intention to
offend you or to make you angry, but you got so triggered that
(18:09):
you took it there and now I'mresponsible for your
disappointment and I feel like Icaused this in you.
And this is so much of what alot of us experience as children
, with our parents, with oursiblings, with friends.
I mean even this was thinkabout friends that you had in
your younger life.
I mean even this was thinkabout like friends that you had
in like your younger life.
(18:30):
I mean I feel like I had somany toxic friendships when I
was growing up, you know,because we were all just like
figuring out what the hell theworld was and who we were and
where we fit into it.
So it's like there was thisdeep like disappointment that
you would feel about this frienddid this, or talk to that
person or you know, like all ofthese things that felt so
(18:57):
personal.
Yeah, and yeah, it justperpetuates this like fear of
conflict, fear of disappointingpeople when we become adults.
Speaker 1 (19:01):
Yeah, I feel like it's this like idea of like
being okay with disappointingpeople, like one knowing
yourself, like you're being veryclear on your boundaries, and
like opening your heart chakraand being able to speak your
truth and what you want andnoticing if there is a
misalignment.
Oh my gosh, I'm feeling thislike tension in my body and I
(19:23):
feel like I'm gonna scream and Ireally need to get this out.
Like having that awareness andthen speaking what you want, but
then also being okay andknowing that it is not your job
to regulate somebody else'snervous system, as long as
you're being like true inyourself and like doing what's
best for you.
Like at the end of the day,we're going to disappoint you
(19:44):
know so many people like ahundred percent you know, so
like oh my gosh we're nevergoing to make everybody happy.
Not everyone is going to alwayslike you Like.
So like, yeah, being likehaving your boundaries, like
knowing what it is that you wantand like making yourself right
first, like being selfish.
Sometimes, of course, there'sroom, you know, for your really
(20:05):
close people, but yeah, it'ssuch a balance.
It's such a delicate balancebecause you don't want to be a
bitch, like totally a rudeperson and like neglect everyone
else's feelings too, you knowlike, all the time, well, and
that's why I think I mean it'ssuch an old saying, but it's not
what you say, it's how you sayit, you know.
Speaker 2 (20:25):
I mean you don't have to bulldoze in to someone and
saying you know, this is how Ifeel and if you don't respect it
, then fuck off.
You know, like you don't haveto go in like that.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
Which can come from a fear, fear base right To if
someone's holding that inconstantly and not being able to
be themselves.
That's when that comes out,rather than a loving yes.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
And it is this whole concept because it is a fear,
you know, from a spiritualperspective I mean this is such
a root chakra, based like afoundation, because it is a fear
.
And then that fear of, you know, disappointment, it's like a
fear of safety.
I'm not going to be safe if Iexpress myself, if I share what
I'm feeling with this person, orif I quit my corporate job, or
(21:17):
if I leave my partner that I'vebeen with, or if I tell my
parents that they hurt me, likewhatever the thing is that you
are the situation orcircumstance you know that's
causing this.
Like I can't have thisconversation or I can't take
this action, or whatever it isLike there is this fear of
safety that is causing thisinstability in your life and
(21:42):
then, therefore, it's blockingyour whole throat chakra, your
whole throat chakra.
Like now you're not even ableto activate your voice and your
authenticity and your truthbecause you have this
instability at your basicallycore, most important, in a way,
chakra, because that's yoursurvival.
So your survival feelsthreatened, and when our
(22:03):
survival feels threatened, Imean a lot of things are going
to are going to go wonky in life.
So it's such an important thingto address because this can take
a hold of us and really put usin circumstances that we do not
desire to be in and create a lotof misalignment in our lives,
(22:26):
just because we are scared todisappoint other people or that
other people will not like us.
And, at the end of the day,exactly what you said we're
going to disappoint a lot ofpeople.
How many people do you thinkyou disappointed when you quit
your corporate job?
You know oh, my phone wasringing off the hook.
Everyone was disappointed in me, you know, or like, whatever,
(22:48):
whatever action you know thatthat you took when you stop
drinking, stop going out.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
Of course, your friends are gonna be
disappointed that the partyain't there.
Speaker 2 (22:58):
People hate that one.
That's a good one, yeah, it's,and it's like that's what is
better To abandon your own needs, your own wants, your own
desires to serve other people.
Speaker 1 (23:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:21):
Yeah, Are you really putting other people and their
thoughts, opinions and value ontop of you thoughts, opinions
and value on top of you, Like ifwe're thinking about a pyramid
like other people and theiropinions are at the top versus
your own prioritization and howyou get to experience life.
I mean, that is just not fairto ourselves.
Speaker 1 (23:43):
Or to other people, like Phillip, if your cup is
empty, if you're doing somethingthat you don't want to do for
other people, you're not goingto be in a good energy anyway to
be like in that space.
If I would have stayed therecamping like, I wouldn't have
been like happy, I would havebeen annoyed, I would have been
resentful, I would have been allthese things.
So it's like yeah, end of theday, own your truth, be you, put
(24:07):
yourself first.
Speaker 2 (24:10):
Yeah, own your truth, be you, put yourself first.
Yeah, that's just making methink.
Like you know, when you go onlike a trip with someone or
you're doing an activity withsomeone, like could be you know
a friend or like someone that'sjust like an acquaintance, and
like they're just miserable,like they don't want to be there
.
You know, and you're like whyare you putting this on me?
Like, why are you making usdeal with this right now?
(24:30):
You know, like you have suchlike a fear of taking yourself
out of the situation, even ifyou're being crazy in this
situation, that, like you'reallowing other people so that's
a great ending point of likeit's really not good for
yourself and it's not good forother people.
Yeah, so get comfortable withdisappointing people Love it.
(24:53):
That's the bottom line for thisepisode.
Speaker 1 (24:55):
Fall in love with that process.
I really like this episode.
I really like this episode.
I feel like it was really heavyhitting.
Speaker 2 (25:01):
Like really real.
We need to shift out of this.
Speaker 1 (25:06):
Yeah, we need to shift out of this as a
collective.
Speaker 2 (25:08):
People pleasing Like it's the people pleasing, it's
the perfectionism, and we areshifting.
We are calling on all of you to, after listening to this
episode, start to reflect on howthis shows up in your life.
Send it to someone who you'rescared of disappointing.
Speaker 1 (25:35):
And send us a text.
Let us know, know.
Literally drop down in the shownotes.
Send us a text.
If this episode hit hard foryou, let us know why.
Let us know why.
Send us a text.
Yes, and if you haven'tsubscribed to the youtube
channel, girl, go hit subscribeso you get notified.
You can see our beautiful faceswe love you.
Speaker 2 (25:50):
We'll see you soon.
Hello, our beautiful friends, and welcome back to
your favorite podcast, mindfullyMoody.
My name is Hannah and I'mjoined by my bestie and co-host,
sarah, and we are so gratefulto have you on another episode
of Mindfully Moody.
On this podcast, we talk aboutself-development, spirituality,
tapping into the highest versionof yourself.
(00:22):
So if you're new here, welcometo the Moody family.
Today we are talking about thefear of disappointing others and
maybe the fear of disappointingyourself.
This has been a theme for me myentire life because of the way I
(00:44):
was raised, and I wanted totalk about this on the podcast,
one for healing in myself,creating this awareness of
myself, and also to shed somelight on how you can kind of let
go of this fear ofdisappointing people and really
take your power back into yourown hands, living the life that
you want to live and not needingthat approval from others to
(01:08):
know your own value.
So yeah, let's get into it,sarah.
So let's maybe just talk aboutwhat is the fear of
disappointing people and how canthat show up in our lives.
How can that?
Speaker 2 (01:24):
show up in our lives.
Yeah, this is such a big onethat so many people resonate
with, and I feel like it showsup in such different ways
because it is a very broad andpowerful fear.
If you are someone that has ahard time feeling like you're
(01:48):
speaking what you really want tosay to someone, maybe you know
that you want to tell yourpartner, your parent, your
friend, your coworker X, y and Zthing, but there is something
in you that is like girl, youcan't say that, whether it's
(02:11):
your inner narrator or the voicein your head saying that, or
you feel that you have thisphysical inability to express
yourself and what you have tosay.
This so often leads back tothat.
You have a fear of disappointingother people because you have a
(02:34):
fear of not being accepted byother people.
You have a fear of what itwould be like if people didn't
quote, unquote, like you or wantto be around you.
It's like the disappointingpeople is one layer and then you
can go deeper and it really isa self-worth and self-value fear
(02:58):
as well, and so it can show upin a lot of different ways.
Well, and so it can show up ina lot of different ways, but I
feel like the most common waysthat it shows up is that
inability to express your truthand you, essentially, are hiding
(03:20):
or holding on to whatever youneed to say, because you feel
like if you say it, somethingwill come from it.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
Yeah, yeah, I have a very real recent example that I
want to share, to drive thishome and let people know like
let people know kind of how thiscan show up in real life.
So this past weekend I wascamping with all my friends and
it was like such a beautifulweekend.
(03:55):
Like my friend prepared likeeverything for us to go camping.
It was like so fun.
But I personally, me, I have Isee myself as an extrovert but
I'm also very introverted inthat like I really need my time
to recharge and like camping forlike two, two days, like it
just is like pushing me a littlebit, like too much.
(04:15):
And so I like set thisexpectation, kind of like even
before going in, like I mightleave Saturday, you know, like
Saturday night, and like go likeI I'll hang out all day but I
might, you know, leave whatever,and like in that already owning
that there's, there's fearcoming up that I'm going to
disappoint people, that ofcourse my friends like they want
me to stay there.
They're going to have a goodtime If I'm there, me making
(04:38):
myself so important the time isgoing to be better if I am here.
Speaker 2 (04:42):
That's true.
That is true.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
They love you, they want to be with you, yeah, so so
, whatever, like we have anamazing day on Saturday and then
the night falls and you know,I'm having this in me.
My other friend is like, tellsme he's like, oh, I'm going home
and I'm like I just have thislike in me, I'm like I want to
go home.
Like once you get it in yourhead like I just want to go home
, like I just I just want to gohome.
(05:03):
Nothing, nothing was wrong withanything that anybody did.
Like it was just me likefeeling I'm like I'm tired, I
want to sleep in my own bed.
My dog is literally so dirty.
Like I just like want to gohome.
And then I just had this like.
My other friend is like hey,I'm going home and, like you
know, people are like a littlebit disappointed, of course, but
(05:24):
like he's good because he's gotlike he's, he's, he knows he's
going, he's confident, he'ssolid on it.
But for me, it like took me awhile to like own that.
Like you guys, I because theythought I was gonna stay the
night and I literally like waslike you guys, I was so scared
to say it because I didn't wantthem to be like you know, and I
(05:47):
just like told them.
I like reflected that to them.
I'm like this is where thiswhole fear of disappointing
people came up in the firstplace for me, because I told
them I have this fear ofdisappointing you guys if I go
home and like I just reallyexpress my truth and like they
were all so loving, but inside,before I was doing it, it was
eating me alive.
My throat chakra, I was feelinganxious, my body was at all of
(06:08):
these things.
I was having a visceralreaction to me not being able to
speak what I actually wanted,because I was so afraid they
were going to be disappointed.
And then they were so loving.
They're like we want you tohonor yourself if that's what
you need.
Like you know, go home, we loveyou.
Like like you know, go home, welove you.
(06:30):
Like you're not disappointingus, you know.
Like so loving, which I'm sounderstanding.
Friends, as well as the themehere, I'm so appreciative of
that.
But like that fear, oh, it canjust eat you alive and that
holding in and not owning whatyou want can cause so much
tension in your body.
Speaker 2 (06:46):
So true.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
Yeah, so it was a really interesting experience
for me to practice that ofowning what I want and knowing
I'm still safe and knowing I'mstill valuable and that people
don't hate me.
Speaker 2 (06:58):
That's such a good example.
But I feel like it's alsointeresting to think about.
Obviously, this wouldn't havehappened with these specific
people, but what?
What if they didn't react likethat?
Yeah, what if they were like,really, hannah, we all agreed to
come here this weekend campingand you're leaving, and like we
(07:21):
think that that's so rude.
Like we set this up, like thisis real that some people could
be like this right, yeah, andyou know, go into this whole
like thing like now they'repissed at you and now they think
that you're selfish orsomething like that.
That's their shit, like that istheir stuff.
(07:42):
That's still, and I feel likethat's one of the most
empowering things as you startto shift into.
Ok, what would it look like ifI let go of this fear of
disappointing people?
There's this division of likewhat is mine and what is theirs.
Yeah, and why am I taking onwhat is theirs?
Speaker 1 (08:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
You know, like my fear of disappointment does that
.
How much of that comes from myown inner self and how much of
that comes from feeling like Ihave to show up, like how much
of that comes from me temperingmy own, you know, actions in
order to serve someone else'sneeds.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
Yeah, yeah, I think also Because this is really
deeply on my heart, because I'mchallenging myself of why I am
the way I am, and I just want tobe very compassionate to anyone
else who is experiencing this.
And you've experienced it, andI've experienced it Because on
my way home I'm thinking aboutthis.
(08:44):
I'm like, why am I like that?
Why am I placing so much valueon my actions to dictate how
other people feel?
And there's this thing calledlike, uh, like parent
parentification, somethingrelated to that, um, where
parents rely on their childrenfor their emotional wellbeing.
(09:07):
And I was thinking back to mychildhood and my dad, like often
relied on my actions.
That would either make himhappy or sad, right, if I would
do something for him.
Now he's not, you know, crying,or now he's not depressed
because I'm there with him.
And so I was like that's mostlikely where that wound came
(09:28):
from me, of if I, my actions,are going to affect someone
else's emotions, so I need totake the best action in order to
control and make this personhappier or protect them so they
don't feel sad.
And it's like that was never myresponsibility.
Anyway, it was never myresponsibility to regulate my
dad's emotions as a kid,absolutely, but I was programmed
(09:51):
that my actions affect that andso it makes sense and I have
that awareness now that like Iam that way.
But it's yeah, it's a whole newchallenge to be able to like
learn something new, like that Idon't have to do that, that I'm
not responsible for otherpeople's emotions, that you know
.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Yeah, oof, I love how you just linked that back,
because it's so true.
It's this why are we the waythat we are?
It is from something related tochildhood and you know, I feel
like in my own life I experiencethis a lot as well of not
(10:32):
necessarily someone relying onme for their emotional
well-being, but having a lot ofemotions all the time as a child
and in conjunction withinteractions with my parents and
there being a lot of chaos, alot of drama, and me having to
(10:55):
be the one or feeling like I hadto be the one that would kind
of step down in the situation orbe the one that would
compromise as the child.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
You know.
And so I felt like, well, I'mresponsible to, like, make
things better.
You know, I'm responsible tofix things, yeah.
So now I've translated that inmy life is like I don't even
want to put things into asituation where they need to be
fixed.
Yeah, so I don't want conflict.
(11:31):
And then I do see that in manyof the situations in my life, I
am the one that still has to bethe fixer, you know, or the one
that's going to go.
And it's like I see that, yeah,I have definitely created this
fear of disappointing peoplebecause I yeah, I don't, I don't
(11:55):
want to let anyone down, Idon't want to emotionally charge
other people.
Yeah, I want things to be evenkeel, I want things to be
positive.
So it's like it's hard for mesometimes to access, like my
(12:16):
truth, which is interestingbecause I feel like I used to be
really, really vocal about howI I felt, and now I've actually
almost internalized how I feelmore and hid how I feel more
because I just don't want chaosin my life and I have this idea
(12:37):
that if I express myself, it'sgoing to cause chaos.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
And it's going to disappoint someone.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
Yeah, yeah, it's so interesting how the childhood
they're different, but they canmanifest in similar ways, right?
Whether that is trying to keepthe peace, or by not speaking
the truth, or not doing thething that you want to do, or
doing the thing you don't wantto do in order to keep the peace
(13:04):
and keep everyone happy, I feellike it comes down to this
value piece, that I am valuable,no matter what anybody else
says.
I am doing the best thing for meand the people around me by
doing this thing right, actingin this way, saying this thing
and standing on that.
(13:24):
I think it's like coming,coming that full circle moment
of like knowing who you are,being your authentic self, and
like being able to stand in thatand like so strong.
It's like you're like this,like brick that like can never
be knocked down by anybodyelse's opinion because you're so
firm in how you believe and seeyourself.
But also this whole idea of thefear of disappointing people.
(13:48):
Again, there's like such acompassionate lens with it, like
it's just so loving, like, ohmy gosh, we don't want to hurt
people's feelings, we wantpeople to be happy, like right,
which is like.
Who can argue against that?
That's nice, yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
I just want everyone to get along and love each other
.
Yeah, yeah, and that is whereit stems from in a lot of ways,
and it's like I think that itstems from good intentions.
However, we sacrifice ourselvesat expense of those good
(14:26):
intentions sometimes, and thatis where I feel like the issue
arises.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
You know, and what you said about value is so true.
It's like, let's say that youand I have a conversation where
I'm going to tell you somethingthat disappoints you, in
whatever topic that it is.
Your disappointment does notmean that I am a less valuable
(14:51):
human being, like because I saidthis to you or that to you, or
because I took this action orthat action that felt in
alignment to what I wasexperiencing, and you therefore
are like wow, that you know, notlike you're going to freak out
on me.
Some people would right, peoplehave different reactions but
like, wow, you know, that's hardto receive or that's really
(15:13):
disappointing, or I'm sad, orI'm mad or whatever emotional
response that you have.
Even if you do freak out at meand say you, you know, or I
don't have to use you, but youknow what I mean, any individual
that you're going to have aninteraction with, even if
(15:34):
someone freaks out and tells youblah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, likethat doesn't lessen your value
as a person, as an individual.
Speaker 1 (15:44):
Yeah, yeah, it's like .
Oh, there's this like reallygood example.
It's like, just because I'mhaving in this hypothetical
situation, just because I'mhaving in this hypothetical
situation, just because I'mhaving this reaction, doesn't
mean that you're wrong inwhatever it is that you want.
It's like Right, yeah, it'slike it's, it's, it's hard.
(16:09):
It reminds me of rejection,like in dating too.
Like okay, you two people candate someone.
Just because someone rejectssomebody else, that doesn't mean
that they're a bad person.
That's just not the preferencethat that person wants.
So, like you can have adifferent opinion than me and I
could react in this certain way,but that doesn't mean that
you're wrong in the thing thatyou want.
It's just it didn't fit oralign with how I desired the
(16:30):
outcome to be.
Which feels like, if you'rehaving these, the fear of
disappointing people and thenpeople are disappointed.
But you are being in your truth, you are being your authentic
self, right, maybe, maybe thereisn't space for them in your
life.
You know, like I don't know,cause.
Yeah, if you them in your life.
You know, yeah, like I don'tknow because.
(16:51):
Yeah, if you think, if peopleyou know when I went camping if
they would have, you know,freaked out and reacted this way
.
It's like well, I don't reallywant people around me in my life
, that you know can't respect me.
Speaker 2 (17:04):
Yeah, yeah, so true.
And it's so hard to get to thisnarrative in our minds because
society teaches us that we'reresponsible for other people's
triggers.
So because you got mad atsomething that I told you.
And listen, if I'm coming atyou in like a super rude,
(17:25):
aggressive way, like that'sdifferent, but if I share
something with you and you knowyou get disappointed, you get
upset.
The way that society has taughtus is like well, now I'm wrong
because you got upset about itand I'm responsible for taking
you to that level.
So that's what we learned aschildren Like whoever was
(17:48):
getting mad in this situationwas like the one who was right
in a way, or like whoever was ifyou were offended, that person
was automatically the one in theright.
You know what I mean, and it'skind of bizarre to think like
that, because it's like well, Imean that wasn't my intention to
offend you or to make you angry, but you got so triggered that
(18:09):
you took it there and now I'mresponsible for your
disappointment and I feel like Icaused this in you.
And this is so much of what alot of us experience as children
, with our parents, with oursiblings, with friends.
I mean even this was thinkabout friends that you had in
your younger life.
I mean even this was thinkabout like friends that you had
in like your younger life.
(18:30):
I mean I feel like I had somany toxic friendships when I
was growing up, you know,because we were all just like
figuring out what the hell theworld was and who we were and
where we fit into it.
So it's like there was thisdeep like disappointment that
you would feel about this frienddid this, or talk to that
person or you know, like all ofthese things that felt so
(18:57):
personal.
Yeah, and yeah, it justperpetuates this like fear of
conflict, fear of disappointingpeople when we become adults.
Speaker 1 (19:01):
Yeah, I feel like it's this like idea of like
being okay with disappointingpeople, like one knowing
yourself, like you're being veryclear on your boundaries, and
like opening your heart chakraand being able to speak your
truth and what you want andnoticing if there is a
misalignment.
Oh my gosh, I'm feeling thislike tension in my body and I
(19:23):
feel like I'm gonna scream and Ireally need to get this out.
Like having that awareness andthen speaking what you want, but
then also being okay andknowing that it is not your job
to regulate somebody else'snervous system, as long as
you're being like true inyourself and like doing what's
best for you.
Like at the end of the day,we're going to disappoint you
(19:44):
know so many people like ahundred percent you know, so
like oh my gosh we're nevergoing to make everybody happy.
Not everyone is going to alwayslike you Like.
So like, yeah, being likehaving your boundaries, like
knowing what it is that you wantand like making yourself right
first, like being selfish.
Sometimes, of course, there'sroom, you know, for your really
(20:05):
close people, but yeah, it'ssuch a balance.
It's such a delicate balancebecause you don't want to be a
bitch, like totally a rudeperson and like neglect everyone
else's feelings too, you knowlike, all the time, well, and
that's why I think I mean it'ssuch an old saying, but it's not
what you say, it's how you sayit, you know.
Speaker 2 (20:25):
I mean you don't have to bulldoze in to someone and
saying you know, this is how Ifeel and if you don't respect it
, then fuck off.
You know, like you don't haveto go in like that.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
Which can come from a fear, fear base right To if
someone's holding that inconstantly and not being able to
be themselves.
That's when that comes out,rather than a loving yes.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
And it is this whole concept because it is a fear,
you know, from a spiritualperspective I mean this is such
a root chakra, based like afoundation, because it is a fear
.
And then that fear of, you know, disappointment, it's like a
fear of safety.
I'm not going to be safe if Iexpress myself, if I share what
I'm feeling with this person, orif I quit my corporate job, or
(21:17):
if I leave my partner that I'vebeen with, or if I tell my
parents that they hurt me, likewhatever the thing is that you
are the situation orcircumstance you know that's
causing this.
Like I can't have thisconversation or I can't take
this action, or whatever it isLike there is this fear of
safety that is causing thisinstability in your life and
(21:42):
then, therefore, it's blockingyour whole throat chakra, your
whole throat chakra.
Like now you're not even ableto activate your voice and your
authenticity and your truthbecause you have this
instability at your basicallycore, most important, in a way,
chakra, because that's yoursurvival.
So your survival feelsthreatened, and when our
(22:03):
survival feels threatened, Imean a lot of things are going
to are going to go wonky in life.
So it's such an important thingto address because this can take
a hold of us and really put usin circumstances that we do not
desire to be in and create a lotof misalignment in our lives,
(22:26):
just because we are scared todisappoint other people or that
other people will not like us.
And, at the end of the day,exactly what you said we're
going to disappoint a lot ofpeople.
How many people do you thinkyou disappointed when you quit
your corporate job?
You know oh, my phone wasringing off the hook.
Everyone was disappointed in me, you know, or like, whatever,
(22:48):
whatever action you know thatthat you took when you stop
drinking, stop going out.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
Of course, your friends are gonna be
disappointed that the partyain't there.
Speaker 2 (22:58):
People hate that one.
That's a good one, yeah, it's,and it's like that's what is
better To abandon your own needs, your own wants, your own
desires to serve other people.
Speaker 1 (23:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:21):
Yeah, Are you really putting other people and their
thoughts, opinions and value ontop of you thoughts, opinions
and value on top of you, Like ifwe're thinking about a pyramid
like other people and theiropinions are at the top versus
your own prioritization and howyou get to experience life.
I mean, that is just not fairto ourselves.
Speaker 1 (23:43):
Or to other people, like Phillip, if your cup is
empty, if you're doing somethingthat you don't want to do for
other people, you're not goingto be in a good energy anyway to
be like in that space.
If I would have stayed therecamping like, I wouldn't have
been like happy, I would havebeen annoyed, I would have been
resentful, I would have been allthese things.
So it's like yeah, end of theday, own your truth, be you, put
(24:07):
yourself first.
Speaker 2 (24:10):
Yeah, own your truth, be you, put yourself first.
Yeah, that's just making methink.
Like you know, when you go onlike a trip with someone or
you're doing an activity withsomeone, like could be you know
a friend or like someone that'sjust like an acquaintance, and
like they're just miserable,like they don't want to be there
.
You know, and you're like whyare you putting this on me?
Like, why are you making usdeal with this right now?
(24:30):
You know, like you have suchlike a fear of taking yourself
out of the situation, even ifyou're being crazy in this
situation, that, like you'reallowing other people so that's
a great ending point of likeit's really not good for
yourself and it's not good forother people.
Yeah, so get comfortable withdisappointing people Love it.
(24:53):
That's the bottom line for thisepisode.
Speaker 1 (24:55):
Fall in love with that process.
I really like this episode.
I really like this episode.
I feel like it was really heavyhitting.
Speaker 2 (25:01):
Like really real.
We need to shift out of this.
Speaker 1 (25:06):
Yeah, we need to shift out of this as a
collective.
Speaker 2 (25:08):
People pleasing Like it's the people pleasing, it's
the perfectionism, and we areshifting.
We are calling on all of you to, after listening to this
episode, start to reflect on howthis shows up in your life.
Send it to someone who you'rescared of disappointing.
Speaker 1 (25:35):
And send us a text.
Let us know, know.
Literally drop down in the shownotes.
Send us a text.
If this episode hit hard foryou, let us know why.
Let us know why.
Send us a text.
Yes, and if you haven'tsubscribed to the youtube
channel, girl, go hit subscribeso you get notified.
You can see our beautiful faceswe love you.
Speaker 2 (25:50):
We'll see you soon.
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