November 19, 2025 • 33 mins
The holiday season often brings a swirl of emotions, from resurfacing grief and gift-giving pressures to expectations of gratitude amid stress. Navigating these challenges means honoring grief, fostering meaningful connections, and approaching gift exchanges with intention and healthy boundaries. Mindful spending and economic choices take on new significance, while gratitude, hope, and courage are cultivated as daily practices within supportive communities. These reflections offer guidance for moving through the season with greater authenticity and strength.
In this episode of Mindset Unlimited, I share some holiday reflections for navigating grief, gifts, and gratitude with intention and mindfulness.
Some of what I explore in this episode includes:
- Navigating grief and loss during the holiday season with practical emotional support strategies
- Mindful and meaningful holiday gift-giving, including setting healthy boundaries
- Embracing mindful spending and supporting financial well-being
- Practicing gratitude, hope, and courage to cultivate authentic connections and community support during holidays
Have thoughts or questions about this episode? Share them with me!
Send me a voice memo: https://www.speakpipe.com/MindsetUnlimited
LINKS TO REFERENCES MADE IN THIS EPISODE:
Loving Yourself Through Grief with Lisa Zawrotny
Reclaiming Humanity Through Grief
Navigating our Relationship with Death with Nikki Smith
Accessing the True Power of Gratitude: Beyond Individualism
Bonus Episode: Seven Ways to Reduce Holiday Stress
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This podcast was produced by Valerie Friedlander Coaching
Proud member of the Feminist Podcasters Collective
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Valerie Friedlander (00:00):
Hello, my friends and welcome to another
(00:02):
episode of Mindset unlimited.
Mindset tips, tools andinspiration for women in a time
of change. I'm your host.
Valerie Friedlander, ICFcertified coach, sociologist,
intersectional feminist artist,mom and nerd, and today we are
talking about three holidayreflections for navigating
grief, gifts, and gratitude.
Over the years, I have done alot of support around the
(00:25):
holidays, and I will have linkedin the show notes a page that I
created with a whole bunch ofthe resources that I have to
support you through theholidays, because this time can
be really stressful as much aswe want to enjoy it and show up
for other people and embrace theexperiences that we hold, the
traditions and all of the joyfulthings can also be really
(00:50):
intermixed with a lot of stress.
And I thought in this episode Iwould engage three areas that
can be particularly stressfulgrief as one of them, and for
me, personally, navigating myown grief this year, gifts. Gift
giving can be incrediblystressful for a variety of
(01:13):
reasons, and sometimes it's fullof a lot of joy, but it can also
be a lot, and this year inparticular, there is a call to
do an economic boycott and totalk about gratitude, because in
this time period, we are oftenencouraged to feel grateful. And
gratitude can be really helpful,but it can also be weaponized.
(01:38):
I've talked about this before.
That episode will be linked inthe show notes, and I figured we
want to talk a little bit aboutthe practice of gratitude as
well as the practice of hope andthe practice of courage, all of
these things that are practicesthat we often think are supposed
to be. Feelings are really hardto engage when we're waiting to
(02:04):
feel a certain way. So we'regoing to talk a little bit about
some of those dynamics, and thenI'm going to throw in a little
reminder about boundaries. Andof course, links to my episodes
about boundaries, becauseboundaries are pretty darn key
in this particular time of yearwhen we are expected to do a lot
of things, when we are aroundfamily and friends who have
(02:27):
certain expectations about whatwe're going to do, and we might
not be there at this particulartime, or we might want to set up
something different, moresupportive for ourselves this
year. So that's what we'recovering. I love to hear from
you. If you have any thoughts,any questions, anything you
(02:50):
would like me to engage. Thereis a link in the show notes. You
can send me a little voice memo,or you can send me an email.
Also linked will be my page ofholiday stress support, where I
have listed a whole bunch of myresources as well as episodes to
check out that may be supportivefor you in this time. So now
without further ado, let's getstarted.
(03:21):
Let's start with grief. Asdifficult as that is, I think
this is a really important onethat we engage, because there's
so many reasons why grief ispresent in this particular
season, especially a lot oftimes we have traditions. We
have things we usually do, andwhether they have changed
(03:43):
because someone isn't presentfor them anymore, or they've
changed because you've realizedthat that needed to change for
your well being, your family'swell being, whatever that is,
any change always has Some layerof grief in it, and it is
important to recognize that andhold space for that. I'm not
(04:06):
going to get into all thedifferent kinds of grief and
approaches to grief, becausethere are so many that could be
an entire episode. I do havesome episodes that engage some
different aspects of grief. Iwill link those in the show
notes, and I wanted to share alittle bit about my recent
(04:29):
personal reflections on grief,because I think they may be
helpful. I've seen a lot ofpeople talk about concern around
holidays, especially withchildren, and wanting to protect
the kids from the sadness, ormake sure that there's still
joy, or those sorts of things.
And that has had to do withloss, but it's also had to do
(04:53):
with not being able to show upfor them or give them the things
that they want. To give them andthat sort of stuff. I'm going to
engage some of that when we talkabout gifts, but here first,
some of what I've reflected onwhen it comes to grief is that
grief feels like standing stillby an ocean as the tide moves
(05:14):
out and in, and the waves lap atmy feet or crash over my head.
In turns, there's anunpredictability to grief.
Sometimes I can watch the griefroll towards me, and sometimes
I've turned away I'm doingsomething else, and it catches
me by surprise, and I do havesome gratitude for having grief.
(05:38):
In my case, in particular, withthe loss of my dad, having that
grief there reminds me of thelove that's there and the gift
of what I've had, it's alsoreally hard, and I want to
address that component ofchildren. One of the things that
(06:03):
I value in my life is being ableto hold space for other people,
and that's something that I feelI'm particularly good at. It is
important to me, and I think asa parent, there's a lot of
responsibility in holding spacefor your kids and with grief,
grief feels very selfish becauseit is so turned inward. I was
(06:28):
reflecting on this because earlyon, and it's still early on, but
I wanted to be able to holdspace for my mother, and I just
I couldn't, because I was sodeep in my own grief. And what
it made me realize, though, wasthe value of sharing space, and
(06:51):
that it's not just holding spacethat's important, but sharing
space and so I could be in thatfocused on my pain and allow
that to be present while my momhas her pain. And that was
(07:11):
powerful to realize that sharingof space in grief. How does this
apply with children? And one, itmade me very grateful that I was
able to be present without mykids there, because I do think
there's a responsibility, as Isaid, to holding space for the
(07:31):
kids, and I needed to be able tofocus on me and what was
happening inside of me. I thinkgrief is a core component of our
whole experience of life, and soin staying connected to our
humanity, that full range ofemotion and to that someone
recently shared with me when Iwas expressing this experience
(07:55):
that I had had where a wavecaught me by surprise and my
husband thought something awfulhad happened in that moment, not
related, not realizing that awave had hit me. And my kids
were there, and I finally wasable to explain what had
happened, and my husband wasimmediately able to show up, and
my kids did. They're old enoughat least, to be able to process
(08:19):
that my younger one, I couldtell there was some discomfort,
and so I was I was expressingthis and how I show up for them,
and this person let me know howwhen she was about my younger
son's age, her father passed,and her mom never let her see
the tears. Never let her see thegrief. And in part, because of
(08:40):
that, she never learned whatprocessing grief looked like.
She didn't have the example ofhealthy grieving and and how to
do that. And so she thanked mefor showing up and allowing my
kids to see my grief. So thebalance that I strike with that
is I do also make sure that Icommunicate with them so while
(09:03):
they were witness to the wavecrashing over me, and I allowed
that to be seen, I also thentalk to them about it, and I
make sure that they know it'sokay to be Sad. It's okay that
there are tears, and I talkabout the process of grieving,
because while it's not real forthem, yet, there will come a
(09:26):
time when it is, and so I wantthem to know that it's okay to
have this full range of motion,especially because I'm raising
two boys, I want them to be ableto be connected to that whole
experience as much as possible,and if I can model what that
looks like, then that's me, bothsharing and holding space. They
(09:49):
don't happen at the same time,but they can still happen, and
that's valuable. I hope that's ahelp. Full reflection for anyone
else navigating the holidayseason with grief and loss, I
again, will have links in theshow notes for other support
resources to help you a littlebit deeper. The next item I
(10:12):
wanted to talk about was giftgiving. And I've talked about
gift giving before again inprevious holiday episodes, the
big thing when it comes to giftgiving is thinking about what
really matters and why. A lot oftimes, we have pressures, we
(10:34):
have traditions, we have waysthat we just fall into, maybe
love languages, and a lot oftimes when we've done things
certain ways, we have habitsbuilt around them, and we also
make assumptions. And then thereare expectations, and maybe
they're ours, or maybe they'reother people's, and it can
(10:56):
become this kind of unspokenpressure around gifts. I
recently had a conversation withsomebody who grew up in a family
where the price tag is whatmattered. That's what everybody
would look for. How much did youspend on me? Because that shows
me how much you value me, and Imade sure to let that person
(11:21):
know, who's an in law, that thethings that they make I love. I
love the things that doesn'teven have to have a price tag. I
have found some of the spicesthat this person's put together
for my family have just beenwonderful and so useful and so
thoughtful. It doesn't have tobe something that has a price
(11:45):
tag. And I wanted to make sure Ihad that conversation, because I
know that the programming thisperson has is opposite that. And
so when we have an awareness ofsome of those things when we
engage the conversations, whenwe think about for ourselves,
what matters, what's important.
(12:08):
So again, could be aconversation with ourselves.
Could be a conversation withsomebody else to cut out some of
the assumptions that we make andreally engage what's real, what
is important, thinking about itin terms of a relational thing
versus a should sort of thing.
(12:29):
I'll share another conversationthat I had in a Facebook group a
little while back, where someonehad posted that she felt like
the biggest, most selfish pieceof crap person, because she does
all this work, fillingstockings, buying presents, lots
(12:50):
of time making presents,whatever it is, really thinking
of those people, if she doesn'tdo it, nobody else does, and
then nobody else gets heranything, and it hurts her
feelings, and she feels like ahorrible person because she's
upset, and she should just behappy to do those things. And if
(13:12):
that's something that youresonate with, I want to share
with you, because I know thatthis is this is something that
comes up for a lot of people, alot of women in particular,
especially those in heterosexualrelationships, it really sucks
to feel taken for granted andunappreciated. And this ties to
what we're going to talk aboutin a minute, about gratitude as
(13:32):
a practice, instead of as ashould. Because with this
person, a lot of the upset, alot of the crappy feelings came
from not just doing the things,but feeling sad to be left out,
to be unappreciated, to do allof this and not have it
(13:54):
reciprocated. And it doesn'tmean that you don't deserve to
receive if you are giving andnot receiving. Sometimes, when
something doesn't happen, wethink it's because we didn't
deserve it, and it's not it'snot because of that. It's just
(14:14):
because it didn't happen. Itdoesn't mean that you shouldn't
have gotten it. And I thinkthat's a really important
distinction. Even outside of theidea of gift giving, just
because you're not receivingsomething doesn't mean you don't
deserve to receive it. That canbe simply being considered being
given care. So remembering thatjust because it's not there
(14:38):
doesn't mean you don't deserveto get it. And it can be hard to
remember that, even especiallywhen it's not happening. And so
when that sort of dynamic ispresent, being able to step
outside of the assumptions ofwhy it's not. Happening again,
(15:00):
because we're automaticallygoing to, oh, I must not deserve
it. They must not care about me.
We're we're projecting all kindsof our own programming into this
situation. Now, it may be thatyou did have a conversation, and
you do know that's what's goingon, but a lot of times it's not
so being able to give yourselfan opportunity to get clarity,
to learn more. I mean, again,sometimes it can be a love
(15:23):
language thing. Some peoplethink about gift giving, and
other people express care inanother way. Sometimes people
have dynamics in themselves thatmake it really hard to remember
to do things in a timelyfashion, and then they think,
oh, because I didn't do it, Iguess I can't do it. This
(15:43):
happens to a lot of folks I knowwith ADHD, where there's a lot
of programming that they'velearned once they become an
adult that Well, I guess I'mjust not that person, or I guess
I just can't do that thing, orI'll never pick the right thing.
There are all kinds of limitingbeliefs that people have
internally that stop them fromdoing things they just they
(16:03):
forget, and then they feel bad.
And so in order to not feel bad,they just shut it down, go make
excuses and whatever. There areso many reasons so to be able to
have that conversation, toengage and ask for what you
need, instead of assuming thatbecause it makes sense to you,
(16:25):
it's going to make sense tosomebody else, and not just
asking for what you need, butalso what would help them be
able to do that, not for you todo it, but inviting them into
thinking outside of the box.
Maybe that's not a possibility.
Maybe that person just can'tshow up that way, and then you
(16:47):
get to decide what you want todo with that rather than doing
the same thing over and overagain, expecting different
results, can you be okay thatthat person isn't able to show
up that way. Are there otherways that this person shows up
for you? Can you lean on tothose? Are those enough for what
(17:08):
your needs are? If you shiftyour focus, if there are things
that you want, you know that thepeople in your life can't do
that, can't show up that way.
Could you show up that way foryourself and what do you what do
you need to do with that to beokay, to have what you need to
be supported, to feel joyful.
(17:32):
There are so many options,regardless of what anybody else
can do for you, the people inyour life currently, you are
allowed to seek out other peoplewho can show up that way for
you, not all people can fill allroles that we need to have in
our life, and it is okay to havedifferent people in your life
(17:54):
fulfilling different needs. It'salso okay to recognize that you
need other people in your lifewho can show up that way. This
kind of goes into the settingboundaries piece that I want to
touch on really quick in thisarea, and that has to do with a
lot of people only do the firstpart of boundary setting, and
(18:16):
that's communicating theboundary. Hey, I need you to do
this, or I need you to not dothis. The problem is that they
don't do the second part, whichis accountability, because
boundaries aren't rules forother people. They are supports
for you. They identify where youend and another person begins,
(18:36):
and it identifies What's yourpart. So a lot of times, we just
do the communication, and thenwe release all our
responsibility in the situationand let someone else's behavior
determine whether or not we havewhat we need. This gives up our
power to the other person, andthen we become a victim to
whether or not they followthrough to be able to own your
(19:00):
own power is holding theboundary, and that is difficult.
And what holding the boundarycan look like is, hey, this,
whatever this is, isunacceptable, and I need you to
stop, or I really need this. AndI need, I need you to do this
for me. The second part is, ifyou continue to do this, then I
(19:22):
will have to do this otherthing, and then follow up to
that is following through. Ifthey do this other thing, then
you're gonna, you're gonnafollow through on this thing
that you said you would do ifthey continued to either do or
not do whatever it was. So thatfollow through. That's your
(19:43):
accountability. It's not theirs.
It's yours saying I'm going todo what I'm going to do, this is
what I need, and in order to getwhat I need, I'm asking this
from you. If you can't do this,then I'm going to do this so
that I can get the thing I need.
And. And that's you followingthrough on that thing. It's
(20:04):
hard. It means that you have tobe willing to change the
dynamics in the relationship.
And it's especially hard becausethat kind of accountability can
feel like an attack to someonewho's not doing their own work.
And that is additionallydifficult. So when it comes to
gifts and lots of other things,any kind of tradition,
(20:27):
expectation, habit, that issomething to be mindful of when
it comes to your boundaries andwhat your needs are for your
energy and the importance ofboth giving and receiving. Both
of those are a gift. It's a giftto give. It's also a gift to
receive. And if either of thosearen't feeling like a gift, it
(20:50):
might be time to take a look atwhat's going on. Sometimes there
can be dynamics where receivingfeels dangerous, and we've
created habits in our life thatare blocking receiving, and not
just gift receiving, butreceiving in general. So taking
a look at that can be reallyhelpful. The other thing I
(21:11):
mentioned in the intro is thatthere is a nationwide economic
boycott planned for November 25through December 2.
This is to highlight economicinequality, corporate greed,
political corruption andgovernment dysfunction. This is
(21:33):
a longer boycott than a lot ofrecent ones have been called
for, and sometimes whensomething feels too big, we feel
overwhelmed, and then we don'ttake action. And so I want to
encourage you, if this issomething that is meaningful to
you and important to you, knowthat it doesn't have to be
(21:54):
perfect for it to matter. Sojust taking a little time to be
a little bit more mindful aboutwhere you're spending money,
using cash instead of cards. Ifyou can shopping, local
shopping, small businesses, anyof those things can help. And
(22:16):
it's true that not all of us canafford to not shop a sale. There
are a lot of times where we needto do that, and just adding that
little bit of extra mindfulnessinto push back against
convenience can make adifference, and it can invite
(22:36):
new habits and new ways of doingthings in that might become
really enjoyable traditions. Somaking things, shopping local,
finding a new place that'senjoyable, doing an activity
instead of buying more stuff,there are so many options. One
thing that my family has reallyloved, that we've gotten from
(22:58):
other family members is amembership to a museum, lots of
possibilities. So thinkingoutside of the box and making
sure that you're reallyattentive to what's important,
and why is that important, andwhat do you want to uplift?
Finally, let's talk aboutgratitude, gratitude, hope and
(23:24):
courage are all emotions andpractices. A lot of times we get
focused on feeling somethingbefore we can do something, and
when we think of it that way, wecan kind of get stuck in taking
the action, and it's true thatwe often have a thought that
(23:47):
activates a feeling, thatinspires an action, that is the
root of the cognitive behavioraltherapy, and The thought that
evokes the feeling is ofteninitially subconscious, and so
when we can be conscious ofthose things, it's not that we
(24:09):
make them go away, it's justthat we're mindful about them,
that we hold space for theactivations, and we recognize
that we don't have to feel anyof these things in order to do
something different, we canactually work backwards and go
if I know this is a practice,what would support me in showing
(24:29):
up to this? I've done episodeson gratitude, and I will link
those in the show notes. Thereare layers to gratitude. It is
an emotion that we have when wereceive something and we feel
that gratitude, but it is also apractice that we don't have to
receive something for. We canseek it out, and by seeking it
(24:50):
out, we activate parts of ourbrain, but when we try and force
ourselves into gratitude, tofeel grateful for things that
maybe are harmful to. To us, wecan bypass the other emotions
that are important to take alook for. So this is where
really noticing what's going onand doing that mindful care for
(25:15):
our full range of emotions andthe patterns that are present
and why they might be present,as well as engaging a practice
that supports us seeing moreoptions. So that's what
gratitude does, is when we do itas a practice, it expands our
possibilities, where we can seemore choices to engage. So it's
(25:36):
not about bypassing feelingsthat we're having, it is about
being able to choose moreintentionally, and that is the
same thing when it comes tohope, which can feel hard to
access in the times that we'reliving in, as well as courage
that we need to have to be ableto show up. And all of these
(25:58):
work better as practices whenwe're doing them with other
people. One of the stories thatwas shared with me recently was
how when people watchedsomething on TV, they were much
more inclined to feel more fearand hopelessness, whereas if
they were showing up andparticipating with other people
in solidarity, they felt lessfear, even if they were the ones
(26:23):
who were more at risk, they feltless fear because they were with
other people, and there wassolidarity there. So there's
more hope when we are connectedto other people, and we have
more access to courage. And themore we do courageous things,
the more we feel courageous. Soit's not about necessarily
(26:43):
feeling it first, as much asdoing the thing. You know, a lot
of times when we're doingsomething courageous, we feel
the fear. That's the emotionthat's present, not the courage.
The fear is present. And thenthe action, the practice, is
where we build the feeling ofcourage. It's not initial it's
(27:05):
after the fact. So reallyremembering that when we want to
embrace these experiences inlife, and that are very present
right now in how we are showingup to the dynamics in our world
and thinking about what'simportant, waiting for something
(27:28):
to come in, waiting forgratitude in order to enjoy the
holidays, waiting for hope inorder to see light, waiting for
courage in order to Do somethingcourageous. We don't access
those things, but when we engagethe behaviors, when we engage
them as practices, that's whenthey start to come in. So taking
(27:51):
a look at what does that looklike in your life this holiday
season and courage could looklike saying no. Courage could
look like setting a boundary,and it's okay that there may be
some fear again, when you havesupport finding people who can
help uplift you, and this isn'tto bash anybody else, right,
(28:11):
like when sometimes we pull onour anger in order to hold a
boundary. And it's important torecognize that if you are
feeling that feeling that thatmay be an emotion that's coming
forward because it's trying toserve you and help you hold the
boundary, not because it'snecessary or even helpful in and
(28:35):
of itself, but that it is yoursystem's way of trying To
support you with the energy tohold that boundary, and there
may be other ways that you canpull on that again, connecting
with people who can hold spacefor you, who can allow you to
have the full range of feelingsand help you stay accountable to
(28:59):
what you say is important, andshow up through the fear with
courage to do the practice ofsetting the boundary, of saying,
Hey, if you want to have thisconversation, we need to have it
under these conditions. And notby surprise, that's one that's
come up for clients before. Of Ican't be sidelined by a
(29:22):
conversation about thisparticular topic. It needs to be
a planned conversation, becauseotherwise I'm not prepared,
emotionally and in my nervoussystem to engage. So setting
those boundaries, having thatclarity, what's important? Why
is it important? And what do Ineed to support me and building
a practice. And you can startwith something very small. Start
(29:46):
with excusing yourself from theroom. It might not even be a
conversation that you have. Itmight just be an awareness that
if this starts coming up, I'mgoing to excuse myself and I.
There are some conversationswhere we do want to interrupt
the normalization of harmfullanguage, harmful approaches to
(30:09):
things, and so having thecourage to say this isn't okay.
So not being silent, but alsodoesn't mean you have to fully
engage the conversation either,especially if your nervous
system isn't prepared to show upthe way you want to show up to
the conversation, you can stillinterrupt harm and have a
boundary of not engaging morefully. I don't have to have a
(30:33):
debate with you about this, andthis can come up a lot with
certain family members that youmight be interacting with. I
don't have to have a debateabout this to be able to say,
you know, that's not okay withme, and I'm going to remove
myself.
All of these things, preparingin advance, to engage them, to
(30:53):
support yourself is really key.
So knowing that if there's griefpresent for you in the holiday
season for whatever reason,preparing to give yourself
support for that. Maybe it'shaving readings. Maybe it's
having an out to go cry. Maybeit is having a conversation with
(31:13):
people ahead of time and havinga hand signal I mentioned to my
husband, I'm like, maybe afterthat one incident where I got
caught in the wave of grief, Itold him, if I put my hand over
my heart, it means that it's notabout something that just
happened. It means that it isabout the waves of grief, and
that way they could show up moresupportive for me, instead of
(31:40):
me, than feeling bad that Ican't communicate that. No, no,
it's, it's nothing you did.
It's, it's the waves and sobeing able to prepare in advance
for those sorts of things, beingable to really think in advance
about what you want to upholdand uplift in the holiday
(32:00):
season, having any conversationsthat you think would be
supportive, but also just havingthose preparations. And again,
it might be not a conversationwith the person that you feel
like you might need to set aboundary with. It might be
having a conversation withsomebody else. Of hey, I just
need to know that you are there.
If I need to follow through onthis boundary with this person
(32:24):
or something along those lines,there are so many possibilities.
So I hope that this has beenhelpful these three areas of the
holiday season, and if you arestruggling with any of them, I
want you to know that you arenot alone. There is so much
going on in the world. There isso much going on even earlier
(32:48):
than that, years and years thisis these are things that come
up. And so you're not alone, andyou deserve support, whether or
not you've had it, you stilldeserve to be cared for. And so
if you are looking forsomething, please check out the
(33:09):
show notes. I do have a lot ofresources in there, and you're
always welcome to reach out tome. I have a link to a free
exploration call in the shownotes as well, and I'm always
happy to talk to you. Leave me avoice message. I'm happy to
engage things in future episodesif you'd like something a little
(33:30):
bit less direct. And I'm wishingyou so much love and so much
warmth and care this holidayseason, and I will talk to you
all next time.
Hello, my friends and welcome to another
(00:02):
episode of Mindset unlimited.
Mindset tips, tools andinspiration for women in a time
of change. I'm your host.
Valerie Friedlander, ICFcertified coach, sociologist,
intersectional feminist artist,mom and nerd, and today we are
talking about three holidayreflections for navigating
grief, gifts, and gratitude.
Over the years, I have done alot of support around the
(00:25):
holidays, and I will have linkedin the show notes a page that I
created with a whole bunch ofthe resources that I have to
support you through theholidays, because this time can
be really stressful as much aswe want to enjoy it and show up
for other people and embrace theexperiences that we hold, the
traditions and all of the joyfulthings can also be really
(00:50):
intermixed with a lot of stress.
And I thought in this episode Iwould engage three areas that
can be particularly stressfulgrief as one of them, and for
me, personally, navigating myown grief this year, gifts. Gift
giving can be incrediblystressful for a variety of
(01:13):
reasons, and sometimes it's fullof a lot of joy, but it can also
be a lot, and this year inparticular, there is a call to
do an economic boycott and totalk about gratitude, because in
this time period, we are oftenencouraged to feel grateful. And
gratitude can be really helpful,but it can also be weaponized.
(01:38):
I've talked about this before.
That episode will be linked inthe show notes, and I figured we
want to talk a little bit aboutthe practice of gratitude as
well as the practice of hope andthe practice of courage, all of
these things that are practicesthat we often think are supposed
to be. Feelings are really hardto engage when we're waiting to
(02:04):
feel a certain way. So we'regoing to talk a little bit about
some of those dynamics, and thenI'm going to throw in a little
reminder about boundaries. Andof course, links to my episodes
about boundaries, becauseboundaries are pretty darn key
in this particular time of yearwhen we are expected to do a lot
of things, when we are aroundfamily and friends who have
(02:27):
certain expectations about whatwe're going to do, and we might
not be there at this particulartime, or we might want to set up
something different, moresupportive for ourselves this
year. So that's what we'recovering. I love to hear from
you. If you have any thoughts,any questions, anything you
(02:50):
would like me to engage. Thereis a link in the show notes. You
can send me a little voice memo,or you can send me an email.
Also linked will be my page ofholiday stress support, where I
have listed a whole bunch of myresources as well as episodes to
check out that may be supportivefor you in this time. So now
without further ado, let's getstarted.
(03:21):
Let's start with grief. Asdifficult as that is, I think
this is a really important onethat we engage, because there's
so many reasons why grief ispresent in this particular
season, especially a lot oftimes we have traditions. We
have things we usually do, andwhether they have changed
(03:43):
because someone isn't presentfor them anymore, or they've
changed because you've realizedthat that needed to change for
your well being, your family'swell being, whatever that is,
any change always has Some layerof grief in it, and it is
important to recognize that andhold space for that. I'm not
(04:06):
going to get into all thedifferent kinds of grief and
approaches to grief, becausethere are so many that could be
an entire episode. I do havesome episodes that engage some
different aspects of grief. Iwill link those in the show
notes, and I wanted to share alittle bit about my recent
(04:29):
personal reflections on grief,because I think they may be
helpful. I've seen a lot ofpeople talk about concern around
holidays, especially withchildren, and wanting to protect
the kids from the sadness, ormake sure that there's still
joy, or those sorts of things.
And that has had to do withloss, but it's also had to do
(04:53):
with not being able to show upfor them or give them the things
that they want. To give them andthat sort of stuff. I'm going to
engage some of that when we talkabout gifts, but here first,
some of what I've reflected onwhen it comes to grief is that
grief feels like standing stillby an ocean as the tide moves
(05:14):
out and in, and the waves lap atmy feet or crash over my head.
In turns, there's anunpredictability to grief.
Sometimes I can watch the griefroll towards me, and sometimes
I've turned away I'm doingsomething else, and it catches
me by surprise, and I do havesome gratitude for having grief.
(05:38):
In my case, in particular, withthe loss of my dad, having that
grief there reminds me of thelove that's there and the gift
of what I've had, it's alsoreally hard, and I want to
address that component ofchildren. One of the things that
(06:03):
I value in my life is being ableto hold space for other people,
and that's something that I feelI'm particularly good at. It is
important to me, and I think asa parent, there's a lot of
responsibility in holding spacefor your kids and with grief,
grief feels very selfish becauseit is so turned inward. I was
(06:28):
reflecting on this because earlyon, and it's still early on, but
I wanted to be able to holdspace for my mother, and I just
I couldn't, because I was sodeep in my own grief. And what
it made me realize, though, wasthe value of sharing space, and
(06:51):
that it's not just holding spacethat's important, but sharing
space and so I could be in thatfocused on my pain and allow
that to be present while my momhas her pain. And that was
(07:11):
powerful to realize that sharingof space in grief. How does this
apply with children? And one, itmade me very grateful that I was
able to be present without mykids there, because I do think
there's a responsibility, as Isaid, to holding space for the
(07:31):
kids, and I needed to be able tofocus on me and what was
happening inside of me. I thinkgrief is a core component of our
whole experience of life, and soin staying connected to our
humanity, that full range ofemotion and to that someone
recently shared with me when Iwas expressing this experience
(07:55):
that I had had where a wavecaught me by surprise and my
husband thought something awfulhad happened in that moment, not
related, not realizing that awave had hit me. And my kids
were there, and I finally wasable to explain what had
happened, and my husband wasimmediately able to show up, and
my kids did. They're old enoughat least, to be able to process
(08:19):
that my younger one, I couldtell there was some discomfort,
and so I was I was expressingthis and how I show up for them,
and this person let me know howwhen she was about my younger
son's age, her father passed,and her mom never let her see
the tears. Never let her see thegrief. And in part, because of
(08:40):
that, she never learned whatprocessing grief looked like.
She didn't have the example ofhealthy grieving and and how to
do that. And so she thanked mefor showing up and allowing my
kids to see my grief. So thebalance that I strike with that
is I do also make sure that Icommunicate with them so while
(09:03):
they were witness to the wavecrashing over me, and I allowed
that to be seen, I also thentalk to them about it, and I
make sure that they know it'sokay to be Sad. It's okay that
there are tears, and I talkabout the process of grieving,
because while it's not real forthem, yet, there will come a
(09:26):
time when it is, and so I wantthem to know that it's okay to
have this full range of motion,especially because I'm raising
two boys, I want them to be ableto be connected to that whole
experience as much as possible,and if I can model what that
looks like, then that's me, bothsharing and holding space. They
(09:49):
don't happen at the same time,but they can still happen, and
that's valuable. I hope that's ahelp. Full reflection for anyone
else navigating the holidayseason with grief and loss, I
again, will have links in theshow notes for other support
resources to help you a littlebit deeper. The next item I
(10:12):
wanted to talk about was giftgiving. And I've talked about
gift giving before again inprevious holiday episodes, the
big thing when it comes to giftgiving is thinking about what
really matters and why. A lot oftimes, we have pressures, we
(10:34):
have traditions, we have waysthat we just fall into, maybe
love languages, and a lot oftimes when we've done things
certain ways, we have habitsbuilt around them, and we also
make assumptions. And then thereare expectations, and maybe
they're ours, or maybe they'reother people's, and it can
(10:56):
become this kind of unspokenpressure around gifts. I
recently had a conversation withsomebody who grew up in a family
where the price tag is whatmattered. That's what everybody
would look for. How much did youspend on me? Because that shows
me how much you value me, and Imade sure to let that person
(11:21):
know, who's an in law, that thethings that they make I love. I
love the things that doesn'teven have to have a price tag. I
have found some of the spicesthat this person's put together
for my family have just beenwonderful and so useful and so
thoughtful. It doesn't have tobe something that has a price
(11:45):
tag. And I wanted to make sure Ihad that conversation, because I
know that the programming thisperson has is opposite that. And
so when we have an awareness ofsome of those things when we
engage the conversations, whenwe think about for ourselves,
what matters, what's important.
(12:08):
So again, could be aconversation with ourselves.
Could be a conversation withsomebody else to cut out some of
the assumptions that we make andreally engage what's real, what
is important, thinking about itin terms of a relational thing
versus a should sort of thing.
(12:29):
I'll share another conversationthat I had in a Facebook group a
little while back, where someonehad posted that she felt like
the biggest, most selfish pieceof crap person, because she does
all this work, fillingstockings, buying presents, lots
(12:50):
of time making presents,whatever it is, really thinking
of those people, if she doesn'tdo it, nobody else does, and
then nobody else gets heranything, and it hurts her
feelings, and she feels like ahorrible person because she's
upset, and she should just behappy to do those things. And if
(13:12):
that's something that youresonate with, I want to share
with you, because I know thatthis is this is something that
comes up for a lot of people, alot of women in particular,
especially those in heterosexualrelationships, it really sucks
to feel taken for granted andunappreciated. And this ties to
what we're going to talk aboutin a minute, about gratitude as
(13:32):
a practice, instead of as ashould. Because with this
person, a lot of the upset, alot of the crappy feelings came
from not just doing the things,but feeling sad to be left out,
to be unappreciated, to do allof this and not have it
(13:54):
reciprocated. And it doesn'tmean that you don't deserve to
receive if you are giving andnot receiving. Sometimes, when
something doesn't happen, wethink it's because we didn't
deserve it, and it's not it'snot because of that. It's just
(14:14):
because it didn't happen. Itdoesn't mean that you shouldn't
have gotten it. And I thinkthat's a really important
distinction. Even outside of theidea of gift giving, just
because you're not receivingsomething doesn't mean you don't
deserve to receive it. That canbe simply being considered being
given care. So remembering thatjust because it's not there
(14:38):
doesn't mean you don't deserveto get it. And it can be hard to
remember that, even especiallywhen it's not happening. And so
when that sort of dynamic ispresent, being able to step
outside of the assumptions ofwhy it's not. Happening again,
(15:00):
because we're automaticallygoing to, oh, I must not deserve
it. They must not care about me.
We're we're projecting all kindsof our own programming into this
situation. Now, it may be thatyou did have a conversation, and
you do know that's what's goingon, but a lot of times it's not
so being able to give yourselfan opportunity to get clarity,
to learn more. I mean, again,sometimes it can be a love
(15:23):
language thing. Some peoplethink about gift giving, and
other people express care inanother way. Sometimes people
have dynamics in themselves thatmake it really hard to remember
to do things in a timelyfashion, and then they think,
oh, because I didn't do it, Iguess I can't do it. This
(15:43):
happens to a lot of folks I knowwith ADHD, where there's a lot
of programming that they'velearned once they become an
adult that Well, I guess I'mjust not that person, or I guess
I just can't do that thing, orI'll never pick the right thing.
There are all kinds of limitingbeliefs that people have
internally that stop them fromdoing things they just they
(16:03):
forget, and then they feel bad.
And so in order to not feel bad,they just shut it down, go make
excuses and whatever. There areso many reasons so to be able to
have that conversation, toengage and ask for what you
need, instead of assuming thatbecause it makes sense to you,
(16:25):
it's going to make sense tosomebody else, and not just
asking for what you need, butalso what would help them be
able to do that, not for you todo it, but inviting them into
thinking outside of the box.
Maybe that's not a possibility.
Maybe that person just can'tshow up that way, and then you
(16:47):
get to decide what you want todo with that rather than doing
the same thing over and overagain, expecting different
results, can you be okay thatthat person isn't able to show
up that way. Are there otherways that this person shows up
for you? Can you lean on tothose? Are those enough for what
(17:08):
your needs are? If you shiftyour focus, if there are things
that you want, you know that thepeople in your life can't do
that, can't show up that way.
Could you show up that way foryourself and what do you what do
you need to do with that to beokay, to have what you need to
be supported, to feel joyful.
(17:32):
There are so many options,regardless of what anybody else
can do for you, the people inyour life currently, you are
allowed to seek out other peoplewho can show up that way for
you, not all people can fill allroles that we need to have in
our life, and it is okay to havedifferent people in your life
(17:54):
fulfilling different needs. It'salso okay to recognize that you
need other people in your lifewho can show up that way. This
kind of goes into the settingboundaries piece that I want to
touch on really quick in thisarea, and that has to do with a
lot of people only do the firstpart of boundary setting, and
(18:16):
that's communicating theboundary. Hey, I need you to do
this, or I need you to not dothis. The problem is that they
don't do the second part, whichis accountability, because
boundaries aren't rules forother people. They are supports
for you. They identify where youend and another person begins,
(18:36):
and it identifies What's yourpart. So a lot of times, we just
do the communication, and thenwe release all our
responsibility in the situationand let someone else's behavior
determine whether or not we havewhat we need. This gives up our
power to the other person, andthen we become a victim to
whether or not they followthrough to be able to own your
(19:00):
own power is holding theboundary, and that is difficult.
And what holding the boundarycan look like is, hey, this,
whatever this is, isunacceptable, and I need you to
stop, or I really need this. AndI need, I need you to do this
for me. The second part is, ifyou continue to do this, then I
(19:22):
will have to do this otherthing, and then follow up to
that is following through. Ifthey do this other thing, then
you're gonna, you're gonnafollow through on this thing
that you said you would do ifthey continued to either do or
not do whatever it was. So thatfollow through. That's your
(19:43):
accountability. It's not theirs.
It's yours saying I'm going todo what I'm going to do, this is
what I need, and in order to getwhat I need, I'm asking this
from you. If you can't do this,then I'm going to do this so
that I can get the thing I need.
And. And that's you followingthrough on that thing. It's
(20:04):
hard. It means that you have tobe willing to change the
dynamics in the relationship.
And it's especially hard becausethat kind of accountability can
feel like an attack to someonewho's not doing their own work.
And that is additionallydifficult. So when it comes to
gifts and lots of other things,any kind of tradition,
(20:27):
expectation, habit, that issomething to be mindful of when
it comes to your boundaries andwhat your needs are for your
energy and the importance ofboth giving and receiving. Both
of those are a gift. It's a giftto give. It's also a gift to
receive. And if either of thosearen't feeling like a gift, it
(20:50):
might be time to take a look atwhat's going on. Sometimes there
can be dynamics where receivingfeels dangerous, and we've
created habits in our life thatare blocking receiving, and not
just gift receiving, butreceiving in general. So taking
a look at that can be reallyhelpful. The other thing I
(21:11):
mentioned in the intro is thatthere is a nationwide economic
boycott planned for November 25through December 2.
This is to highlight economicinequality, corporate greed,
political corruption andgovernment dysfunction. This is
(21:33):
a longer boycott than a lot ofrecent ones have been called
for, and sometimes whensomething feels too big, we feel
overwhelmed, and then we don'ttake action. And so I want to
encourage you, if this issomething that is meaningful to
you and important to you, knowthat it doesn't have to be
(21:54):
perfect for it to matter. Sojust taking a little time to be
a little bit more mindful aboutwhere you're spending money,
using cash instead of cards. Ifyou can shopping, local
shopping, small businesses, anyof those things can help. And
(22:16):
it's true that not all of us canafford to not shop a sale. There
are a lot of times where we needto do that, and just adding that
little bit of extra mindfulnessinto push back against
convenience can make adifference, and it can invite
(22:36):
new habits and new ways of doingthings in that might become
really enjoyable traditions. Somaking things, shopping local,
finding a new place that'senjoyable, doing an activity
instead of buying more stuff,there are so many options. One
thing that my family has reallyloved, that we've gotten from
(22:58):
other family members is amembership to a museum, lots of
possibilities. So thinkingoutside of the box and making
sure that you're reallyattentive to what's important,
and why is that important, andwhat do you want to uplift?
Finally, let's talk aboutgratitude, gratitude, hope and
(23:24):
courage are all emotions andpractices. A lot of times we get
focused on feeling somethingbefore we can do something, and
when we think of it that way, wecan kind of get stuck in taking
the action, and it's true thatwe often have a thought that
(23:47):
activates a feeling, thatinspires an action, that is the
root of the cognitive behavioraltherapy, and The thought that
evokes the feeling is ofteninitially subconscious, and so
when we can be conscious ofthose things, it's not that we
(24:09):
make them go away, it's justthat we're mindful about them,
that we hold space for theactivations, and we recognize
that we don't have to feel anyof these things in order to do
something different, we canactually work backwards and go
if I know this is a practice,what would support me in showing
(24:29):
up to this? I've done episodeson gratitude, and I will link
those in the show notes. Thereare layers to gratitude. It is
an emotion that we have when wereceive something and we feel
that gratitude, but it is also apractice that we don't have to
receive something for. We canseek it out, and by seeking it
(24:50):
out, we activate parts of ourbrain, but when we try and force
ourselves into gratitude, tofeel grateful for things that
maybe are harmful to. To us, wecan bypass the other emotions
that are important to take alook for. So this is where
really noticing what's going onand doing that mindful care for
(25:15):
our full range of emotions andthe patterns that are present
and why they might be present,as well as engaging a practice
that supports us seeing moreoptions. So that's what
gratitude does, is when we do itas a practice, it expands our
possibilities, where we can seemore choices to engage. So it's
(25:36):
not about bypassing feelingsthat we're having, it is about
being able to choose moreintentionally, and that is the
same thing when it comes tohope, which can feel hard to
access in the times that we'reliving in, as well as courage
that we need to have to be ableto show up. And all of these
(25:58):
work better as practices whenwe're doing them with other
people. One of the stories thatwas shared with me recently was
how when people watchedsomething on TV, they were much
more inclined to feel more fearand hopelessness, whereas if
they were showing up andparticipating with other people
in solidarity, they felt lessfear, even if they were the ones
(26:23):
who were more at risk, they feltless fear because they were with
other people, and there wassolidarity there. So there's
more hope when we are connectedto other people, and we have
more access to courage. And themore we do courageous things,
the more we feel courageous. Soit's not about necessarily
(26:43):
feeling it first, as much asdoing the thing. You know, a lot
of times when we're doingsomething courageous, we feel
the fear. That's the emotionthat's present, not the courage.
The fear is present. And thenthe action, the practice, is
where we build the feeling ofcourage. It's not initial it's
(27:05):
after the fact. So reallyremembering that when we want to
embrace these experiences inlife, and that are very present
right now in how we are showingup to the dynamics in our world
and thinking about what'simportant, waiting for something
(27:28):
to come in, waiting forgratitude in order to enjoy the
holidays, waiting for hope inorder to see light, waiting for
courage in order to Do somethingcourageous. We don't access
those things, but when we engagethe behaviors, when we engage
them as practices, that's whenthey start to come in. So taking
(27:51):
a look at what does that looklike in your life this holiday
season and courage could looklike saying no. Courage could
look like setting a boundary,and it's okay that there may be
some fear again, when you havesupport finding people who can
help uplift you, and this isn'tto bash anybody else, right,
(28:11):
like when sometimes we pull onour anger in order to hold a
boundary. And it's important torecognize that if you are
feeling that feeling that thatmay be an emotion that's coming
forward because it's trying toserve you and help you hold the
boundary, not because it'snecessary or even helpful in and
(28:35):
of itself, but that it is yoursystem's way of trying To
support you with the energy tohold that boundary, and there
may be other ways that you canpull on that again, connecting
with people who can hold spacefor you, who can allow you to
have the full range of feelingsand help you stay accountable to
(28:59):
what you say is important, andshow up through the fear with
courage to do the practice ofsetting the boundary, of saying,
Hey, if you want to have thisconversation, we need to have it
under these conditions. And notby surprise, that's one that's
come up for clients before. Of Ican't be sidelined by a
(29:22):
conversation about thisparticular topic. It needs to be
a planned conversation, becauseotherwise I'm not prepared,
emotionally and in my nervoussystem to engage. So setting
those boundaries, having thatclarity, what's important? Why
is it important? And what do Ineed to support me and building
a practice. And you can startwith something very small. Start
(29:46):
with excusing yourself from theroom. It might not even be a
conversation that you have. Itmight just be an awareness that
if this starts coming up, I'mgoing to excuse myself and I.
There are some conversationswhere we do want to interrupt
the normalization of harmfullanguage, harmful approaches to
(30:09):
things, and so having thecourage to say this isn't okay.
So not being silent, but alsodoesn't mean you have to fully
engage the conversation either,especially if your nervous
system isn't prepared to show upthe way you want to show up to
the conversation, you can stillinterrupt harm and have a
boundary of not engaging morefully. I don't have to have a
(30:33):
debate with you about this, andthis can come up a lot with
certain family members that youmight be interacting with. I
don't have to have a debateabout this to be able to say,
you know, that's not okay withme, and I'm going to remove
myself.
All of these things, preparingin advance, to engage them, to
(30:53):
support yourself is really key.
So knowing that if there's griefpresent for you in the holiday
season for whatever reason,preparing to give yourself
support for that. Maybe it'shaving readings. Maybe it's
having an out to go cry. Maybeit is having a conversation with
(31:13):
people ahead of time and havinga hand signal I mentioned to my
husband, I'm like, maybe afterthat one incident where I got
caught in the wave of grief, Itold him, if I put my hand over
my heart, it means that it's notabout something that just
happened. It means that it isabout the waves of grief, and
that way they could show up moresupportive for me, instead of
(31:40):
me, than feeling bad that Ican't communicate that. No, no,
it's, it's nothing you did.
It's, it's the waves and sobeing able to prepare in advance
for those sorts of things, beingable to really think in advance
about what you want to upholdand uplift in the holiday
(32:00):
season, having any conversationsthat you think would be
supportive, but also just havingthose preparations. And again,
it might be not a conversationwith the person that you feel
like you might need to set aboundary with. It might be
having a conversation withsomebody else. Of hey, I just
need to know that you are there.
If I need to follow through onthis boundary with this person
(32:24):
or something along those lines,there are so many possibilities.
So I hope that this has beenhelpful these three areas of the
holiday season, and if you arestruggling with any of them, I
want you to know that you arenot alone. There is so much
going on in the world. There isso much going on even earlier
(32:48):
than that, years and years thisis these are things that come
up. And so you're not alone, andyou deserve support, whether or
not you've had it, you stilldeserve to be cared for. And so
if you are looking forsomething, please check out the
(33:09):
show notes. I do have a lot ofresources in there, and you're
always welcome to reach out tome. I have a link to a free
exploration call in the shownotes as well, and I'm always
happy to talk to you. Leave me avoice message. I'm happy to
engage things in future episodesif you'd like something a little
(33:30):
bit less direct. And I'm wishingyou so much love and so much
warmth and care this holidayseason, and I will talk to you
all next time.
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