September 3, 2025 • 23 mins
Bite size mindset shifts can make a big difference during stressful times to help you engage intentionally instead of reactively. Compassionate accountability helps us embrace our humanity while challenging our status quo. Here we’re focusing on simple, practical tools, and encouragement as we navigate these difficult times.
In this episode of Mindset Unlimited, I share some bite size mindset shifts for stressful times to help you show up in a sustainable way.
Some of what I explore in this episode includes:
- Consider how you talk to yourself – don’t let the times define you
- Changing how you think about taking action to stay purposeful and sustainable
- Overcoming overwhelm when things are really overwhelming
- Stay true to your moral compass and overcoming discomfort conditioning
Have thoughts or questions about this episode? Share them with me! I always love hearing from you.
LINKS TO REFERENCES MADE IN THIS EPISODE:
the restlab podcast with Jordan Maney: Rest So You Can Rage
CONNECT WITH VALERIE:
Sign up for Valerie’s newsletter
Apply to be coached on the podcast
This podcast was produced by Valerie Friedlander Coaching
Proud member of the Feminist Podcasters Collective
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Valerie Friedlander (00:00):
Hello, my friends, and welcome to a mini
episode of Mindset unlimited.
Mindset tips, tools andinspiration for women in a time
of change. I'm your host.
Valerie Friedlander, ICFcertified coach, sociologist,
intersectional feminist, truthseeker, artist, mom and nerd,
and today we are talking aboutbite sized mindset shifts for
(00:20):
stressful times you might begoing but Valerie, you released
an episode last week, and Iwould say, yes, yes, I did. That
episode was actually out ofschedule. I acknowledged in my
newsletter the other week that Irealized that I lost a week the
(00:43):
episode that I did on flexibleroutines, and I talked a lot
about all the things going onand why I decided to repurpose
an episode, what I didn'trealize when I did that was that
I actually missed an entire weekthat episode went out a week
after I would normally have senta episode out. So one, I am not
(01:07):
beating myself up over that. Itis really important. And this
is, this is not something thatI've always done. It would have
been a time when I would havespent a lot of time beating
myself up over that mistake, Iknew cognitively that just
because you make a mistakedoesn't make you a mistake, but
(01:28):
I didn't really have thatintegrated. And so taking a
moment to pause and go, You knowwhat? It's okay. There are a lot
of other really awful thingshappening in the world, and
missing a week is not going toend at all. So let's check in,
(01:50):
because those sorts of momentsare a really good opportunity to
check in and go, Okay, why am Idoing a thing? What's important
to me about it, and how do Iwant to show up in relationship
to the error, because there's areason it happened, and there's
a way forward. So taking thatmoment to go, Okay, what do I
(02:14):
want to do with this? And takingit in this case, I think, as an
opportunity just even, just toreflect, even, just to
acknowledge that I'm human, thatthings happen. And if you're
someone who listens to otherpeople, we're in this time of
cult of personality. Not to saythat I'm in any way part of a
(02:37):
personality cult, but as someonewho shares content, who has a
platform out there, it may verywell be that someone's like, Oh,
she's so amazing, and thank you.
Also human. So often we putpeople on pedestals and we don't
allow them to be human. And Isee this so much in the online
world, where people are like,this content creator is amazing,
(02:58):
and then they make a mistake,and it's like, take it down, and
that doesn't allow any room forgrowth. So I'm gonna give myself
grace. I am going to be anexample to myself of that, and
to you of doing that foryourself, because one of the
(03:20):
things that I find is that Ioften judge other people really
harshly when it's something thatI'm judging myself for, and
that's a way that I flag Oh, Iam. I'm unconsciously, or maybe
like, pseudo consciously,beating myself up for this thing
because I'm being superjudgmental of this other person.
(03:41):
So that whole one finger pointedout there means three more are
pointed back at me. Often. Themore judgmental I'm being, the
more in survival mode I am, themore my stress response is in
high gear. Because judgment is away that we protect ourselves.
It's a way of going. This isgood, this is bad. And creating
(04:03):
that binary that really limitswhat's possible and can, without
our awareness, keep us stuck incertain patterns. It doesn't
allow for growth judgment andcuriosity don't exist in the
same space. So curiosity allowsus to see opportunities. It
(04:23):
allows us to explore. It allowsus to expand. Judgment is a way
of limiting for protection. SoI've noticed a heightened amount
of that in my own life. I knowthat this is coming from the
atmosphere that we are existingin, in so many spaces, being
online, being in the political,social dynamics that we are in.
(04:48):
It's a lot. It's a lot. So oneof the things I always encourage
is to bring some consciousnessto that. And when you. Notice
that it's impacting. When younotice the judgment, when you
notice
Unknown (05:04):
you've lost a week, when you notice that something
feels
Valerie Friedlander (05:07):
off about how you're moving in the world,
that's an opportunity to stopand check in, to pause and check
in, not to beat yourself up andand not to not hold yourself
accountable either. Like this isnot to say don't have
accountability. Accountabilitycan be gentle, though.
(05:28):
Accountability doesn't have tobe self flagellation. It can
absolutely be a hey, I noticedsomething's going on. You are
not showing up the way that yousay you want to this is like
also self talk. It's not justtalk to somebody else. What's
going on? What care do you need?
What support do you need? Whatwill help you do the thing that
(05:49):
you say you want to do, sinceyou're not doing it. So taking a
moment to check in on thosethings. What I figured I would
do here, though, because I didwant to get back on my normal
schedule of release. Just it'shaving a schedule is helpful for
my brain so and I could go offof that, and I don't want to. So
(06:12):
here we are. We're doing a miniepisode. So what I thought I
would do is just share somethings that I've shared on
social media, some insights thatI have periodically, I'll just
have like, oh, this thing. Weshould talk about this, and I
will share it on social media.
And that means you all don'thear it, because if you're not
(06:33):
following me there, then youwouldn't hear it, or maybe you
are. But like algorithms and allthat, I am not a huge fan of
social media. It's become worseand worse. It's not a place that
I love anyway. Point being thereare some insights that I think
are really important for thetimes that we're in, and I
(06:54):
thought I would share them hereas a little mini episode. So
what I'm going to share about isconsidering how you talk to
yourself, changing how you thinkabout taking action, overcoming
overwhelm when things areactually overwhelming, and
staying true to your moralcompass and overcoming
discomfort conditioning. So afew little snippets for you, for
(07:20):
now, and then we will be back atit back on the third Wednesday
of the month, and we'll go fromthere. So without further ado,
let's get started.
(07:42):
So the first little mindsetshift is about how we talk to
ourselves. You've probably hearda lot about the insights around
how we talk to ourselves. Inthis particular case, I found
myself saying, Oh, I'm not a funperson, because I'm always
saying, Oh, this awful thing ishappening, and this awful thing
(08:05):
is happening. I talked a littlebit about the need to do that in
the empathy episode, about thehyper normalization and really
needing to see things reflected.
So it's hard when you're indifficult times, when you're in
upsetting times, and when you dowant to acknowledge these
(08:26):
things, not to get caught up insome of those tendencies to
label ourselves based on that.
So what occurred to me as I saidthis, so I'm not a fun person?
No, I am a fun person, but I'm afun person navigating not so fun
times, navigating reallydifficult times. And I don't
(08:48):
want to let the times that I'mliving in dictate who I believe
myself to be. I don't want thoseto decide for me who I am and
how I show up. So this was justa reminder to me of pay
attention. Watch, watch how Ilabel myself, and that tendency
(09:10):
to say I am, any places whereI'm saying I am or I'm not, even
those are ways that we putlabels on ourselves, that limit
how we can show up joy andaccessing joy is really
important to be able to sustainadvocacy, to sustain showing up
(09:33):
in difficult times and to showup to what we Need, to show up
to what our responsibilities arein these times. So just notice,
just notice, how are youlabeling yourself? What are you
currently saying to yourself,what I am statements are you
currently using and make surethat they're aligned and
(09:57):
expansive for the person thatyou want to be? Be not allowing
the spaces that were occupy andthe times that we're in to
dictate that to us. So that'sone two change how you think
about taking action. This cameup when I was thinking about
boycotts. So often when peopleare talking about boycotts,
(10:20):
thinking about boycotts. They'rethinking about withholding in
order to change behavior. So Iam not going to spend money here
in order to let my money speak.
You know, I want to have avoice. My money is part of how I
have a voice in this capitalistsociety. So by withholding my
money, I am saying something. Iam going to make change happen.
(10:45):
And yes, that is a part of it,but it's really hard to sustain
behavior that is rooted in notdoing something. It's like how I
often talk about, like, what doyou want? When you say, I don't
want this, well, what do youwant? It's similar in that way.
So rather than thinking aboutwhat you don't want or you know,
(11:08):
I want them to stop. So this isoutside of yourself. It's
controlling things outside ofyou, which can become exhausting
and lead to burnout when youdon't see the results of it.
Rather than doing that, thinkabout what you are contributing
to, what you're participatingin. What do you want to create
(11:32):
when it comes to your money,it's not just about holding it
back from certain people,organizations, companies, etc,
it's what are you doing with it?
So you're thinking not justabout what are you getting for
(11:52):
your money, but what are yougiving with it? Who are you
giving it to both have animpact. So where you put your
money, yes, where you keep yourmoney from, matters, but also
where you put your money, wheredo you give it to? And you could
think about this in terms oftime too. What are you spending
(12:13):
time on? What are you spendingenergy on? What do you want to
be fueling and creating, yourtime, your money, your energy,
all of these things areimportant resources for you. So
rather than I'm just not givingit to you, I'm holding it. What
are you doing with it? Where areyou putting it? What are you
(12:36):
contributing to? What are youparticipating in? What are you
creating with it, and if you'renot sure, great opportunity to
pause and reflect and thinkabout how you want to move now.
It's important here too to alsojust recognize that there is no
perfect. It's really kind ofimpossible in this society, in
(12:59):
this world, to have a perfectway of approaching this, so
knowing that it's not going tobe perfect and you get some
choice in the matter. Third isthe experience of overwhelm. I
talk a lot about overcomingoverwhelm, and usually when I'm
(13:21):
looking at that, we're talkingabout things that feel
overwhelming, but maybe aren'tactually overwhelming, like
tangibly. We just need to breakit down into bite sizes. We need
to create smaller stair steps toclimb the mountain. So when we
experience overwhelm. It's thissense that something is bigger
(13:43):
than us, whether it is or isn't,it feels too big for us to do
anything with. Often, whathappens with that is our freeze
response activates, and so wedon't do anything. We might
spin. This is where we haveparalysis, analysis, or
paralysis by analysis, so we'reoverthinking it, and we're not
(14:06):
doing anything. Overwhelm andinaction go in hand. Now, when
we want to be in action, we wantto do a thing, we want to make a
change, make a difference. Notdoing anything is the opposite,
and overwhelm is not helpful.
And when we're looking at thingsthat feel overwhelming but maybe
(14:29):
aren't, they can be broken downinto more achievable sizes,
that's one thing. When we'redealing with something that
actually is bigger than any oneperson. That's going to be a
little different, though theapproach has some similar
flavors to it. One is justknowing that this is bigger than
(14:50):
me and that your stress responseis naturally going to activate
because it's bigger than you,thus it feels. Feels dangerous,
and I don't want to freeze up. Idon't want to do nothing. So
what do I do now? The freezeresponse can often look like
checking out. So you'll seepeople like, I'm just not paying
(15:12):
attention, I'm just not readingthe news. I'm just not looking
at that. But it's also, oh,other people are taking care of
that other people do it orminimizing it and saying, Well,
it's, it's not as bad as allthat, or it'll get better. And I
just need to just keep my headdown and just do my things,
whatever, any of those thingscan look like, a kind of freeze,
(15:35):
essentially. And when we want toengage it minimizing, it makes a
lot of sense in some ways, butwhat we don't want is the
unconscious minimization, whichis saying that it's not as bad
as it is, pretending that itisn't as big as it is. What we
(15:57):
do want is recognizing that wecan only take one bite of it. We
can only take an us, size biteof it, and so identifying what
is the part that I can play,what is the bite that I can take
the other piece is to look atour fan favorite superheroes
(16:18):
that combine their forces,right? So I'm thinking like
Power Rangers, Captain Planet,all of these ones where people
recognize that the monsterthey're fighting is bigger than
them, bigger than any one ofthem, and they combine their
(16:39):
powers together to engage thatmonster.
So who are the other parts? Findthe coalition. Find the other
people that you can combine yourforces with so that you can
(17:00):
honor that part. That's yourbite, that's your accomplishable
thing, and the thing that youcan do within your capacity, and
know that there are other peoplethat you are working in tandem
with. So that is the way toengage when something is
(17:21):
actually overwhelming because itis bigger than you, and you
can't make it smaller than youright sizing it for you and
joining with others to enlargein yourself as it were, in a
more collective sense, are thekeys to addressing that. Okay?
And then finally, I want toengage the conditioning around
(17:48):
making other peopleuncomfortable. When we show up,
there is a lot of discomfort inchange, and there is a lot of
discomfort when engaging otherpeople and making other people
uncomfortable, and so it canlead to either not having
conversations that are needed,having them in ineffective,
unhelpful ways, like on socialmedia, like let me go after this
(18:12):
person in the comments, becausethat feels safer than having a
conversation with this personthat I know, and it feels too
uncomfortable. So recognizingthat we have a lot of
conditioning around making otherpeople comfortable, especially
if you're someone who identifiesas an empath, a lot of those of
(18:35):
us who have those highempathetic qualities, we learned
those because we needed to beable to read the room and other
people's feelings in order toprotect ourselves. It's
important to notice one though,who you are conditioned to
protect? Who do you feeluncomfortable making
(18:57):
uncomfortable, and who does thatnot bother you as much, such
that you might not even benoticing it. Those are really
important aspects of ourconditioning that are important
to engage and make make usuncomfortable, and it's still
important to do that. Sonoticing that feeling of
(19:18):
discomfort, I brought this up onsocial because I had a friend
who mentioned calling outsomeone's behavior as a
politician that she saw inpublic and speaking to that his
behavior has been harmful, andthat she immediately had this
guilt, and maybe that's becauseof being empathetic. And what I
(19:40):
wanted to acknowledge is one acelebration that her moral
compass overrode herconditioning, and yes, she had
some conditioning backlash. Hernervous system is conditioned to
protect certain people'sfeelings in order to keep
herself safe, and just becausewe're conditioned. Do That
doesn't mean that we can'tengage it and say, You know
(20:02):
what? I recognize that this iswhy I'm uncomfortable. I'm gonna
take care of myself, and I'malso gonna know that just
because I'm uncomfortabledoesn't mean that this is bad.
It means it's a growth edge. Itmeans that it's something that I
learned is unsafe, that doesn'tmake it unsafe. Now there are
some things that actually whenwe speak up these days, can be
(20:23):
unsafe, and it's still importantfor us to do that. So knowing
all right, what risk Am Iwilling to take? What supports
do I need? Going back to thatoverwhelm piece and the
coalition and other people, whatdo I need to do, and tapping
into that moral compass. What doyou need to show up to? What is
(20:45):
important to you to show up toknowing that your nervous system
is conditioned to protectyourself by doing these things,
by setting off the alarms. It'sthere to help you, even if it's
not how you want to be. Helpedgiving space for that
dysregulation, learning toolsfor re regulating, so that you
(21:07):
can care for yourself, so youcan keep showing up the way that
you need to, and knowing thatthe way you talk to yourself
makes a difference, knowing thatthe way that you think about
what you're doing makes adifference when we get caught up
in outcome instead of what am Ifeeding? What am I contributing
to? Am I in alignment in takingthe action? Not just am I going
(21:30):
to get somebody else to change,but am I being the person that I
want to be? Can I live withmyself? And that's heavy, and
it's also very real. So I hopethat those are helpful insights,
mindset shifts for you as youengage and work to show up the
(21:53):
way that you feel called to showup in these times. I just want
to celebrate you for being here,for trying, for doing your best
each moment, which it's gonnalook different. Every day, it's
gonna look different. Find yourpeople. Find your support
systems. If you're looking forsome support, please don't
(22:14):
hesitate to reach out. I have alot of different ways that I can
offer support, and some of theminvolve money, and some of them
don't, but I always have a freecall available for you, so don't
hesitate to grab a spot on mycalendar. I'm happy to chat with
you if you want to reach out,otherwise, ask a question, share
some input. I would love to hearthat too. There are multiple
(22:37):
ways in the show notes for youto do that, and that's what I
have for you today. The one lastthing I'm going to shout out my
friend Jordan Maney, who Iinterviewed. Her podcast episode
was supposed to go out thisweek, and I'm having to push it
back, but she just released anepisode on the rest lab podcast
(22:59):
called rest so you can rage. Ilove listening to her voice.
It's so soothing. It feelsrestful listening even as she's
talking about ways to rage inthis last one, it was it was
really helpful for me to hear.
So if you're looking for moreinsights, for more support,
definitely check out her podcasttoo, and stay tuned for her
(23:21):
episode coming soon, as well assome other just amazing
interviews I have for you. Sothank you again for being here.
I really appreciate all of you,and I will talk to you next
time.
Hello, my friends, and welcome to a mini
episode of Mindset unlimited.
Mindset tips, tools andinspiration for women in a time
of change. I'm your host.
Valerie Friedlander, ICFcertified coach, sociologist,
intersectional feminist, truthseeker, artist, mom and nerd,
and today we are talking aboutbite sized mindset shifts for
(00:20):
stressful times you might begoing but Valerie, you released
an episode last week, and Iwould say, yes, yes, I did. That
episode was actually out ofschedule. I acknowledged in my
newsletter the other week that Irealized that I lost a week the
(00:43):
episode that I did on flexibleroutines, and I talked a lot
about all the things going onand why I decided to repurpose
an episode, what I didn'trealize when I did that was that
I actually missed an entire weekthat episode went out a week
after I would normally have senta episode out. So one, I am not
(01:07):
beating myself up over that. Itis really important. And this
is, this is not something thatI've always done. It would have
been a time when I would havespent a lot of time beating
myself up over that mistake, Iknew cognitively that just
because you make a mistakedoesn't make you a mistake, but
(01:28):
I didn't really have thatintegrated. And so taking a
moment to pause and go, You knowwhat? It's okay. There are a lot
of other really awful thingshappening in the world, and
missing a week is not going toend at all. So let's check in,
(01:50):
because those sorts of momentsare a really good opportunity to
check in and go, Okay, why am Idoing a thing? What's important
to me about it, and how do Iwant to show up in relationship
to the error, because there's areason it happened, and there's
a way forward. So taking thatmoment to go, Okay, what do I
(02:14):
want to do with this? And takingit in this case, I think, as an
opportunity just even, just toreflect, even, just to
acknowledge that I'm human, thatthings happen. And if you're
someone who listens to otherpeople, we're in this time of
cult of personality. Not to saythat I'm in any way part of a
(02:37):
personality cult, but as someonewho shares content, who has a
platform out there, it may verywell be that someone's like, Oh,
she's so amazing, and thank you.
Also human. So often we putpeople on pedestals and we don't
allow them to be human. And Isee this so much in the online
world, where people are like,this content creator is amazing,
(02:58):
and then they make a mistake,and it's like, take it down, and
that doesn't allow any room forgrowth. So I'm gonna give myself
grace. I am going to be anexample to myself of that, and
to you of doing that foryourself, because one of the
(03:20):
things that I find is that Ioften judge other people really
harshly when it's something thatI'm judging myself for, and
that's a way that I flag Oh, Iam. I'm unconsciously, or maybe
like, pseudo consciously,beating myself up for this thing
because I'm being superjudgmental of this other person.
(03:41):
So that whole one finger pointedout there means three more are
pointed back at me. Often. Themore judgmental I'm being, the
more in survival mode I am, themore my stress response is in
high gear. Because judgment is away that we protect ourselves.
It's a way of going. This isgood, this is bad. And creating
(04:03):
that binary that really limitswhat's possible and can, without
our awareness, keep us stuck incertain patterns. It doesn't
allow for growth judgment andcuriosity don't exist in the
same space. So curiosity allowsus to see opportunities. It
(04:23):
allows us to explore. It allowsus to expand. Judgment is a way
of limiting for protection. SoI've noticed a heightened amount
of that in my own life. I knowthat this is coming from the
atmosphere that we are existingin, in so many spaces, being
online, being in the political,social dynamics that we are in.
(04:48):
It's a lot. It's a lot. So oneof the things I always encourage
is to bring some consciousnessto that. And when you. Notice
that it's impacting. When younotice the judgment, when you
notice
Unknown (05:04):
you've lost a week, when you notice that something
feels
Valerie Friedlander (05:07):
off about how you're moving in the world,
that's an opportunity to stopand check in, to pause and check
in, not to beat yourself up andand not to not hold yourself
accountable either. Like this isnot to say don't have
accountability. Accountabilitycan be gentle, though.
(05:28):
Accountability doesn't have tobe self flagellation. It can
absolutely be a hey, I noticedsomething's going on. You are
not showing up the way that yousay you want to this is like
also self talk. It's not justtalk to somebody else. What's
going on? What care do you need?
What support do you need? Whatwill help you do the thing that
(05:49):
you say you want to do, sinceyou're not doing it. So taking a
moment to check in on thosethings. What I figured I would
do here, though, because I didwant to get back on my normal
schedule of release. Just it'shaving a schedule is helpful for
my brain so and I could go offof that, and I don't want to. So
(06:12):
here we are. We're doing a miniepisode. So what I thought I
would do is just share somethings that I've shared on
social media, some insights thatI have periodically, I'll just
have like, oh, this thing. Weshould talk about this, and I
will share it on social media.
And that means you all don'thear it, because if you're not
(06:33):
following me there, then youwouldn't hear it, or maybe you
are. But like algorithms and allthat, I am not a huge fan of
social media. It's become worseand worse. It's not a place that
I love anyway. Point being thereare some insights that I think
are really important for thetimes that we're in, and I
(06:54):
thought I would share them hereas a little mini episode. So
what I'm going to share about isconsidering how you talk to
yourself, changing how you thinkabout taking action, overcoming
overwhelm when things areactually overwhelming, and
staying true to your moralcompass and overcoming
discomfort conditioning. So afew little snippets for you, for
(07:20):
now, and then we will be back atit back on the third Wednesday
of the month, and we'll go fromthere. So without further ado,
let's get started.
(07:42):
So the first little mindsetshift is about how we talk to
ourselves. You've probably hearda lot about the insights around
how we talk to ourselves. Inthis particular case, I found
myself saying, Oh, I'm not a funperson, because I'm always
saying, Oh, this awful thing ishappening, and this awful thing
(08:05):
is happening. I talked a littlebit about the need to do that in
the empathy episode, about thehyper normalization and really
needing to see things reflected.
So it's hard when you're indifficult times, when you're in
upsetting times, and when you dowant to acknowledge these
(08:26):
things, not to get caught up insome of those tendencies to
label ourselves based on that.
So what occurred to me as I saidthis, so I'm not a fun person?
No, I am a fun person, but I'm afun person navigating not so fun
times, navigating reallydifficult times. And I don't
(08:48):
want to let the times that I'mliving in dictate who I believe
myself to be. I don't want thoseto decide for me who I am and
how I show up. So this was justa reminder to me of pay
attention. Watch, watch how Ilabel myself, and that tendency
(09:10):
to say I am, any places whereI'm saying I am or I'm not, even
those are ways that we putlabels on ourselves, that limit
how we can show up joy andaccessing joy is really
important to be able to sustainadvocacy, to sustain showing up
(09:33):
in difficult times and to showup to what we Need, to show up
to what our responsibilities arein these times. So just notice,
just notice, how are youlabeling yourself? What are you
currently saying to yourself,what I am statements are you
currently using and make surethat they're aligned and
(09:57):
expansive for the person thatyou want to be? Be not allowing
the spaces that were occupy andthe times that we're in to
dictate that to us. So that'sone two change how you think
about taking action. This cameup when I was thinking about
boycotts. So often when peopleare talking about boycotts,
(10:20):
thinking about boycotts. They'rethinking about withholding in
order to change behavior. So Iam not going to spend money here
in order to let my money speak.
You know, I want to have avoice. My money is part of how I
have a voice in this capitalistsociety. So by withholding my
money, I am saying something. Iam going to make change happen.
(10:45):
And yes, that is a part of it,but it's really hard to sustain
behavior that is rooted in notdoing something. It's like how I
often talk about, like, what doyou want? When you say, I don't
want this, well, what do youwant? It's similar in that way.
So rather than thinking aboutwhat you don't want or you know,
(11:08):
I want them to stop. So this isoutside of yourself. It's
controlling things outside ofyou, which can become exhausting
and lead to burnout when youdon't see the results of it.
Rather than doing that, thinkabout what you are contributing
to, what you're participatingin. What do you want to create
(11:32):
when it comes to your money,it's not just about holding it
back from certain people,organizations, companies, etc,
it's what are you doing with it?
So you're thinking not justabout what are you getting for
(11:52):
your money, but what are yougiving with it? Who are you
giving it to both have animpact. So where you put your
money, yes, where you keep yourmoney from, matters, but also
where you put your money, wheredo you give it to? And you could
think about this in terms oftime too. What are you spending
(12:13):
time on? What are you spendingenergy on? What do you want to
be fueling and creating, yourtime, your money, your energy,
all of these things areimportant resources for you. So
rather than I'm just not givingit to you, I'm holding it. What
are you doing with it? Where areyou putting it? What are you
(12:36):
contributing to? What are youparticipating in? What are you
creating with it, and if you'renot sure, great opportunity to
pause and reflect and thinkabout how you want to move now.
It's important here too to alsojust recognize that there is no
perfect. It's really kind ofimpossible in this society, in
(12:59):
this world, to have a perfectway of approaching this, so
knowing that it's not going tobe perfect and you get some
choice in the matter. Third isthe experience of overwhelm. I
talk a lot about overcomingoverwhelm, and usually when I'm
(13:21):
looking at that, we're talkingabout things that feel
overwhelming, but maybe aren'tactually overwhelming, like
tangibly. We just need to breakit down into bite sizes. We need
to create smaller stair steps toclimb the mountain. So when we
experience overwhelm. It's thissense that something is bigger
(13:43):
than us, whether it is or isn't,it feels too big for us to do
anything with. Often, whathappens with that is our freeze
response activates, and so wedon't do anything. We might
spin. This is where we haveparalysis, analysis, or
paralysis by analysis, so we'reoverthinking it, and we're not
(14:06):
doing anything. Overwhelm andinaction go in hand. Now, when
we want to be in action, we wantto do a thing, we want to make a
change, make a difference. Notdoing anything is the opposite,
and overwhelm is not helpful.
And when we're looking at thingsthat feel overwhelming but maybe
(14:29):
aren't, they can be broken downinto more achievable sizes,
that's one thing. When we'redealing with something that
actually is bigger than any oneperson. That's going to be a
little different, though theapproach has some similar
flavors to it. One is justknowing that this is bigger than
(14:50):
me and that your stress responseis naturally going to activate
because it's bigger than you,thus it feels. Feels dangerous,
and I don't want to freeze up. Idon't want to do nothing. So
what do I do now? The freezeresponse can often look like
checking out. So you'll seepeople like, I'm just not paying
(15:12):
attention, I'm just not readingthe news. I'm just not looking
at that. But it's also, oh,other people are taking care of
that other people do it orminimizing it and saying, Well,
it's, it's not as bad as allthat, or it'll get better. And I
just need to just keep my headdown and just do my things,
whatever, any of those thingscan look like, a kind of freeze,
(15:35):
essentially. And when we want toengage it minimizing, it makes a
lot of sense in some ways, butwhat we don't want is the
unconscious minimization, whichis saying that it's not as bad
as it is, pretending that itisn't as big as it is. What we
(15:57):
do want is recognizing that wecan only take one bite of it. We
can only take an us, size biteof it, and so identifying what
is the part that I can play,what is the bite that I can take
the other piece is to look atour fan favorite superheroes
(16:18):
that combine their forces,right? So I'm thinking like
Power Rangers, Captain Planet,all of these ones where people
recognize that the monsterthey're fighting is bigger than
them, bigger than any one ofthem, and they combine their
(16:39):
powers together to engage thatmonster.
So who are the other parts? Findthe coalition. Find the other
people that you can combine yourforces with so that you can
(17:00):
honor that part. That's yourbite, that's your accomplishable
thing, and the thing that youcan do within your capacity, and
know that there are other peoplethat you are working in tandem
with. So that is the way toengage when something is
(17:21):
actually overwhelming because itis bigger than you, and you
can't make it smaller than youright sizing it for you and
joining with others to enlargein yourself as it were, in a
more collective sense, are thekeys to addressing that. Okay?
And then finally, I want toengage the conditioning around
(17:48):
making other peopleuncomfortable. When we show up,
there is a lot of discomfort inchange, and there is a lot of
discomfort when engaging otherpeople and making other people
uncomfortable, and so it canlead to either not having
conversations that are needed,having them in ineffective,
unhelpful ways, like on socialmedia, like let me go after this
(18:12):
person in the comments, becausethat feels safer than having a
conversation with this personthat I know, and it feels too
uncomfortable. So recognizingthat we have a lot of
conditioning around making otherpeople comfortable, especially
if you're someone who identifiesas an empath, a lot of those of
(18:35):
us who have those highempathetic qualities, we learned
those because we needed to beable to read the room and other
people's feelings in order toprotect ourselves. It's
important to notice one though,who you are conditioned to
protect? Who do you feeluncomfortable making
(18:57):
uncomfortable, and who does thatnot bother you as much, such
that you might not even benoticing it. Those are really
important aspects of ourconditioning that are important
to engage and make make usuncomfortable, and it's still
important to do that. Sonoticing that feeling of
(19:18):
discomfort, I brought this up onsocial because I had a friend
who mentioned calling outsomeone's behavior as a
politician that she saw inpublic and speaking to that his
behavior has been harmful, andthat she immediately had this
guilt, and maybe that's becauseof being empathetic. And what I
(19:40):
wanted to acknowledge is one acelebration that her moral
compass overrode herconditioning, and yes, she had
some conditioning backlash. Hernervous system is conditioned to
protect certain people'sfeelings in order to keep
herself safe, and just becausewe're conditioned. Do That
doesn't mean that we can'tengage it and say, You know
(20:02):
what? I recognize that this iswhy I'm uncomfortable. I'm gonna
take care of myself, and I'malso gonna know that just
because I'm uncomfortabledoesn't mean that this is bad.
It means it's a growth edge. Itmeans that it's something that I
learned is unsafe, that doesn'tmake it unsafe. Now there are
some things that actually whenwe speak up these days, can be
(20:23):
unsafe, and it's still importantfor us to do that. So knowing
all right, what risk Am Iwilling to take? What supports
do I need? Going back to thatoverwhelm piece and the
coalition and other people, whatdo I need to do, and tapping
into that moral compass. What doyou need to show up to? What is
(20:45):
important to you to show up toknowing that your nervous system
is conditioned to protectyourself by doing these things,
by setting off the alarms. It'sthere to help you, even if it's
not how you want to be. Helpedgiving space for that
dysregulation, learning toolsfor re regulating, so that you
(21:07):
can care for yourself, so youcan keep showing up the way that
you need to, and knowing thatthe way you talk to yourself
makes a difference, knowing thatthe way that you think about
what you're doing makes adifference when we get caught up
in outcome instead of what am Ifeeding? What am I contributing
to? Am I in alignment in takingthe action? Not just am I going
(21:30):
to get somebody else to change,but am I being the person that I
want to be? Can I live withmyself? And that's heavy, and
it's also very real. So I hopethat those are helpful insights,
mindset shifts for you as youengage and work to show up the
(21:53):
way that you feel called to showup in these times. I just want
to celebrate you for being here,for trying, for doing your best
each moment, which it's gonnalook different. Every day, it's
gonna look different. Find yourpeople. Find your support
systems. If you're looking forsome support, please don't
(22:14):
hesitate to reach out. I have alot of different ways that I can
offer support, and some of theminvolve money, and some of them
don't, but I always have a freecall available for you, so don't
hesitate to grab a spot on mycalendar. I'm happy to chat with
you if you want to reach out,otherwise, ask a question, share
some input. I would love to hearthat too. There are multiple
(22:37):
ways in the show notes for youto do that, and that's what I
have for you today. The one lastthing I'm going to shout out my
friend Jordan Maney, who Iinterviewed. Her podcast episode
was supposed to go out thisweek, and I'm having to push it
back, but she just released anepisode on the rest lab podcast
(22:59):
called rest so you can rage. Ilove listening to her voice.
It's so soothing. It feelsrestful listening even as she's
talking about ways to rage inthis last one, it was it was
really helpful for me to hear.
So if you're looking for moreinsights, for more support,
definitely check out her podcasttoo, and stay tuned for her
(23:21):
episode coming soon, as well assome other just amazing
interviews I have for you. Sothank you again for being here.
I really appreciate all of you,and I will talk to you next
time.
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