October 2, 2024 • 44 mins
Embracing periods of reflection, introspection, and processing is a crucial but often overlooked and devalued aspect of personal and societal growth and change. To create real shifts in the world’s imbalances, we must first engage with the internalized patterns and conditioning that hold us back. This self-work not only deepens the impact of our efforts, but also cultivates more intentional, present, and joyful relationships. However, by undervaluing these periods of reflection and recalibration, society continues to perpetuate oppressive systems. If we aim to truly create change, we must honor these cycles of introspection, building the resilience, creativity, and effectiveness needed to dismantle harmful structures and shape the world we want to live in.
In this episode of Unlimited, I explore and strive to coalesce my thoughts around the importance of embracing periods of reflection.
Some of what I talk about in this episode includes:
- Cycles of life and the value of “winter”
- What we get wrong about routines
- Systems of oppression and dominance
- Building supports to doing something different
LINKS REFERENCED IN THIS EPISODE:
Micro-Actions to Manifest Big Change with Taina Brown
The Pressure to Love Your Job with Cristin Downs
Supporting Changes in Your Life
Black Liturgies post on Instagram
Sister Outsider: Essays and Speeches by Audre Lorde
This Bridge Called My Back: Writings by Radical Women of Color
This Here Flesh by Cole Arthur Riley
Rustin on Netflix
The National SEED Project
If you found this episode helpful, please share it!
You can tag me on social: @unlimitedcoachval
Want to share your thoughts or have questions? Send me a message! I love to hear from you.
You can email me at valerie@valeriefriedlander.com or DM me on Instagram
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Valerie Friedlander (00:00):
Hello, my friends and welcome to another
(00:02):
episode of unlimited today. Weare talking about embracing
periods of reflection. Irecorded this episode as a way
to try to coalesce thoughts thathave been coming up through my
coaching work, but also throughvarious aspects of my personal
(00:24):
life. There's certain areas ofmy life that I don't generally
share. I don't put into theonline public world or bring
into my work in a direct way,because it just doesn't feel
appropriate to do that in avariety of ways, but also
(00:47):
including that, there's aslippery slope into
performativeness when you startto put things online. I've
talked a little bit before aboutwhen you put things online,
there is a natural aspect ofperforming, because you're
curating what you're puttingforward, not to say that it
can't be authentic, andrecognizing that it it shifts
(01:13):
the quality. And I think thatfor me, it's important that I
not muddy my focus and distractfrom the reason I do that social
justice work, that advocacywork, and keep that where it is.
At the same time, a lot of whatcomes forward in that work I see
(01:39):
reflected in my work as a coachand vice versa, the roots and
the the patterns that arerelated to each other come
forward, and I think it'simportant to spend time
reflecting on how thoseintersect, as well as to just
(02:04):
spend time reflecting where wedon't really value that or give
space for that. And so, for mepersonally, both of these things
are very intertwined. They'revery much related to each other
in terms of like that work isrelated to why I do the work
(02:25):
that I do as a coach, and thework that I do as a coach is
informed by that other work, mycoaching philosophy. I think I
want to pull forward here, andit's on my website, but just to
emphasize it here, my philosophyis that to shift the patterns
that create imbalances in theworld, we must first engage the
(02:48):
internalized patterns that limitus in our own lives. This self
work not only expands the impactof our work in the world, but
also creates more intentional,present and joyful relationships
in all areas of our life, whichthen inform how we show up in
the world. There's an interplaytogether. So while I don't go
(03:10):
into details on the morepersonal engagement sides in
this episode, I really thoughtit was important to observe a
common feature of the need forreflection. So I'm reflecting on
reflecting. I hope that I'vebeen successful in pulling these
(03:33):
ideas together for you. I dothink that these reflections
belong in a larger conversationthan just thoughts from me. So
it's another reason why I put alot of resources for you to look
at in the show notes. I wouldalso love to hear your thoughts
and what this episode brings upfor you. So I invite you to send
(03:56):
me an email on my website whereI have the episode posted, there
are also places where you canput comments. So you're welcome
to do that as well. I keepforgetting to mention that or
reach out to me through directmessenger. There's lots of ways
to reach me, and I invite you todo so. And now, without further
ado, let's get started.
(04:17):
Hey there. I'm ValerieFriedlander, Certified Life
business alignment coach, andthis is unlimited. This podcast
bridges the individual and thesocietal, scientific and
spiritual, positive andnegative, nerdy and no, there's
just a lot of nerdy. Come onboard. And let's unlock a life
that's as badass as you are.
(04:46):
In a time that feels sounpredictable and chaotic, most
of us want something that feelsstable and secure, and so many
of the things that we've beentaught are supposed to be stable
and secure. Aren't yet we stillgo to them like they're going to
(05:08):
be like jobs, for example, likeworking for a company. I just
had a friend whose spouse gotlaid off, and part of what's
being grappled with is the storythat she knows is a story, and
it's not really true anymore,but yet, there's this embedded
(05:29):
belief that that createsstability, and having a regular
paycheck certainly does create acertain amount of stability. And
does that make it secure? Inthis day and age, there's a lot
that isn't secure, and there's alot of uncertainty, and that
uses more energy. I'm running aprogram right now called reclaim
(05:50):
your routine. And one of thethings that people struggle with
when it comes to routines, andpart of the reason I actually
thought about not calling itthis, because people are going
to hear this and go, I can'thave a routine, and it's because
life is so busy and chaotic andthings happen, especially for
(06:11):
parents, but for anybody rightnow, there's so many curveballs
that get thrown, so manysurprises, so many unknowns
We're coming into, well, we'rereally in the middle of an
election cycle, and that createsa lot of instability and
uncertainty. And so there's thisdesire to have stability and
(06:34):
certainty and have things thatare routine. Routines simplify
things. They allow our brains torelax a little bit, because the
more we have to actively thinkabout things, the more energy we
spend, whereas if you havesomething that you can just
count on, that just happens, andthis is what we do. It's easier.
(06:55):
I've mentioned in a previousepisode that idea of simplifying
things, if you can have like acapsule wardrobe, and you don't
have to make as many decisionsabout what to wear, The simpler
you can make it, the more youcan reduce decision making, the
less energy you have to spend.
And there's value influctuation. There's value in
cycles and in change, andallowing ourselves to embrace
(07:16):
those cycles and embrace changeand step into unknowns. So many
of the problems in our worldright now have to do with a lack
of creativity and this fear ofthe unknown and of change, and
we're kept in a place ofinstability in a lot of ways, in
(07:43):
some basic ways, because thenwe're more manipulatable and
we're taught to rely on certainthings. Just a lot of our
conditioning has to do withstructures that are inherently
rotten. So I'm going to talk alittle bit about embracing
(08:09):
cycles and recognizing cycles,and I'm also going to explore
some of the rotten foundationsthat lead us to struggling with
cycles and sinking into thesespaces that are inhibiting us,
(08:29):
that are limiting us. And as youknow, this podcast is called
unlimited because we're talkingabout ways that we have
internalized limits versuschosen limits, our society has
very much upheld this mechanicalkind of value system, this idea
(08:49):
of constantly being Inproduction and being predictable
and consistent and again, thisis not to say that consistency
is a bad thing, but it's alsorecognizing that there's time
frames for consistency, likeconsistency isn't always
(09:11):
consistent, or what isconsistent doesn't Stay
consistent at all periods oftime.
Natural rhythms take place in aliving context, and so they're
not as predictable as themechanical world, but there are
patterns and rhythms in thosecycles, so they're not
(09:33):
completely off balance. It'swhen we divorce ourselves from a
connection to those rhythms.
When we sever our ability tolean into the rhythms and cycles
that are natural, that we blocka sense of stability within
(09:54):
those cycles, within that flow.
When I talk about naturalcycles, I am talking about Earth
cycles as well as our bodiescycles, because we're part of
nature. And this, I think, is afundamental component to where
(10:14):
we disconnect is in ourconnection to our bodies and our
ability to trust ourselves andhear ourselves, or, I should
say, hear ourselves and to trustourselves. I've done some
explorations around cycles andlooking at lunar cycles,
(10:39):
menstrual cycles, seasonalcycles, cycles of change and the
different wheels of life. Andwhen I look at those, there's a
lot of alignment between them.
There's phases, and I'll useseasonal phases as an example.
I've talked about this before,but we're going to dive just a
little bit deeper into that ofthe winter, spring, summer,
(11:02):
fall. There are certain seasonsthat are more valued than other
seasons, and you can even see itin stages of life, as another
example, from baby to child toparent to senior. Or if we're
looking at the feminine cycleright, there's the baby girl,
(11:29):
mother, crone cycle. And thosealso would line up. And we tend
to value these spaces of thespring, the idea the doing
summer, where we're engaged andwe have lots of energy and we're
getting things done, even theautumn, where we're harvesting
(11:51):
and reaping the value of whatwe've planted. It's the winter
the Crone, the luteal cycle, theEarth, the physical connection
that gets super devalued. And Idon't know if it's because of
(12:15):
its devaluation that it standsout to me as so important and
valuable, or if it is because ofits actual importance. I mean, I
think that it is actuallyimportant, but it stands out
dramatically to me, and I dothink that it has to do with its
(12:35):
devaluation, that we really needto bring in an embracing of that
time period, that phase of life,that part of the cycle. And I
think some of the reason whyit's devalued is because it's a
shuffling period. It's not adoing period, it's a processing
(12:57):
period. It's a reflection periodwhere we're listening, we're
turning inward. If you think ofwinter, it's going into a
hibernation, going into thecave, listening, slowing down,
realigning, meditating,processing. This is that period
(13:17):
of the shadow where we arelearning, we're not creating,
we're not doing, we're notproducing, we're processing. And
over and over and over again Isee with clients, there's a step
(13:40):
that we miss that makes a hugedifference. So if we even just
go to the routines, and we thinkabout work routines, okay,
something that keeps coming upis, Oh, I'm so much more
focused. I'm so much moreproductive when I'm clear on the
(14:04):
task that I'm doing, and there'sfrustration and tension around
well, I should just be doing it.
I need to be doing more things,and part of the tension has to
do with not being clear, but wemiss that step, the time period
(14:31):
of reflecting, of processing, ofdeciding, of preparing. The fact
of the fact of the matter isthat this period doesn't always
feel good, because it meansdigesting information. It means
being realistic with where weare. It means looking and
(14:53):
listening and engaging theinformation in our emotions, in
our bodies, what we have, thecapacity for and it doesn't feel
good all the time because, one,we haven't been conditioned to
feel good about it doesn't feellike accomplishing anything. It
(15:14):
doesn't feel like doinganything. It's the preparing to
do something or to not dosomething based on what
information comes through, andsometimes, for some of us, we
need more time with that. Ittakes longer and when that's not
(15:35):
something that gets rewarded,that's not something gets
acknowledged or supported, itcan be hard to make room for it,
and it's just it's been standingout to me as this piece that so
often is missing. And when weengage my client will be like,
of course. Well, that makessense. Like, I need that time.
(16:01):
And yet it doesn't occur untilwe call it forward and say, Oh,
we're missing a step. It doesn'tget acknowledged as valuable
effort. And then, of course,there's the other side of it, as
resting, preparing can beresting, and we think of that as
(16:23):
being lazy. And there's so manystories around that. Yet, one of
the things that was coming tomind for me is I, I'm a multi
passionate I have lots of thingsthat I want to do, lots of
ideas, and sometimes I feel likeI'm the rope in a tug of war of
interests, where I'm feelingpulled in all the directions so
(16:43):
I'm standing still. It's notbecause I'm procrastinating,
it's because so many things arepulling in different directions
that I'm not moving right. Whenyou have tug of war, and there
are equal parts on both sides,and they're both pulling the
rope just stays there in themiddle, that little knot that's
(17:05):
supposed to go over the line, itjust stays there in the middle.
Maybe it pulls a little way oneway and a little way another
way, but it doesn't go anywhere.
It's not that nothing'shappening.
But then we learn to beatourselves up. And that teaches
us and affirms to us this storyabout who we are and what is
(17:32):
valuable. So I put forward thisidea of what if we actually
embraced that time. One of theother things that I talk about
in the Reclaim your routineworkshop is the importance of a
recalibration time. So often,when we do something different
(17:56):
or life happens, we think, Well,now I should just jump right
back into what I was doing. I amback from a vacation or from
something that happened, and I'mable to get back to my routine.
Why am I not just doing what I'msupposed to be doing? And it's
(18:16):
because the step ofrecalibrating is missing the
step of processing what justhappened, whether we liked it or
not, processing what happenedbefore we just start doing the
same old thing again. Sometimesprocessing what happened informs
(18:39):
a shift that needs to happen,and when we don't take the time
to process that, we don'tincorporate the shift that needs
to happen, the new informationthat needs to filter into the
way we do things. Again, thisidea of cycles holds value for
us in terms of our ability tolearn and grow. I think it can
(19:04):
be apparent why this isimportant to each of us as
individuals. Like when you thinkabout it, it's like, oh yeah, I
need that space. I need thattime to rest, to recover, to
recalibrate, to engage. Okay,well, why is this so devalued,
(19:27):
and what makes it so hard toengage? Because even when you
know this is valuable, it ishard to make room for it. And I
work with so many people who endup running into guilt around
taking the time that's actuallyneeded, and I believe there is
(19:51):
some very fundamental reasonswhy that is and I mentioned
before because we're more.
Manipulatable when we're insurvival mode, when we are
constantly in the doings and therunning and the rushing, and
it's at a very fundamentallevel. I want to share a few
quotes with you, because I thinkthat it pulls forward the deep
(20:17):
reasonings and they tie to someunderstandings that have helped
me find the motivation to makeroom to combat the guilt that
can come up over not makingspace for myself. I'm going to
start by sharing a series ofquotes that an account I follow
(20:40):
on Instagram called Blackliturgies shared recently, and
I'll link to that post in theshow notes. The first quote is
by Audre Lorde, and it's thetrue focus of revolutionary
change is never merely theoppressive situations which we
seek to escape, but that pieceof the oppressor which is
(21:03):
planted deep within each of us.
The next quote is by Cole ArthurRiley, to be truly liberated, we
must confront the parts ofourselves that are in a hidden
alliance with the systems thatseek to destroy us. And the
(21:24):
third quote is by Bayard Rustin,the only way to reduce ugliness
in the world is to reduce it inyourself.
These highlight the value ofdoing the work to reflect and to
connect and to shift some ofthese patterns. And it is a
(21:47):
constant work, because we areconstantly being infused with
the ideas, the cultural,societal ideas of what's
valuable and what's not. So ittakes some constant work, which
does take more energy. So alsoholding space for I'm going to
(22:08):
have to use more energy to swimupstream, to be a salmon, to
reduce that in ourselves. It'slike when you're a fish in water
that's polluted, you're going totake on some of that pollution
and need systems for filtrationwithin yourself, and that takes
(22:30):
energy to do that filtration,but to really lean into the
change that we need in theworld, To honor ourselves and to
create the space and cultureshifting to allow liberation, to
liberate ourselves fromoppression societally, and to
(22:55):
ensure that we don't perpetuateit upon others, we have to do
that work and allow that space,and that takes energy, which
means that we need those spacesof introspection, those spaces
where we are looking withinourselves and seeing how we are
complicit in the systems thatseek to destroy us.
(23:20):
There's a quote by bell hooksthat is, the house of oppression
has many rooms, but only onefoundation, the idea of superior
to or better than. And if you'resomeone who hears that and goes,
Well, I never think that I'msuperior, I if anything, I feel
inferior or I struggle with thisidea of not being good enough,
(23:44):
you know, imposter syndrome andall of that. That's the same
foundation. It's rooted in thesame idea of hierarchy. It plays
into these spaces of oppressionand dominance, and it has to do
with how we've internalizedthose things, and that
(24:05):
foundation, that root, is how weuphold the systems, whether we
feel oppressed by them orwhether we are feeling empowered
by them, we will perpetuate thembecause we bought into the
stories of oppression anddominance in a internalized way,
(24:27):
rather than a, oh, this is asystem that I can consciously
engage. It's an internalizationwhich you don't have conscious
engagement with.
So we have to take a look at it.
I'm going to share writing thatwas given to me through the
National seed project. It wasdeveloped by Hugo mahabir for
(24:48):
the seed project, and it speaksto the idea of internalized
oppression and internalized DOM.
Defines internalized oppressionas habits, attitudes and
patterns of behavior, oftenunconscious or unbeknownst to
(25:09):
oneself, yet active in relationto others that reflect the
effects of oppression, such asfeelings of inadequacy, a sense
of inferiority and theexpression of self hatred.
Internalized oppression resultsin the acceptance of
projections, assumptions andstereotypes, often leading to
self doubt, dislike of one's owngroup, self criticism, self
(25:32):
mockery, feelings ofpowerlessness and hopelessness,
embarrassment, shame, selfdestructiveness, cynicism,
impatience with others, mistakesviolence against those less
powerful and collusion with theoppression. There's a quote by
Ellie brown that is, it's whenwe don't trust our thinking that
(25:52):
we start buying into theoppressive messages, and it's
when we feel powerless to changethings that we pass the
oppression on to others. We buyinto racism, sexism and other
isms. We buy into the oppressionof young people, even as we are
still being crushed by itourselves and are intimately
(26:13):
familiar with its cruelty. A lotof the people that I work with
are probably more intimatelyfamiliar or conscious of the
internalized oppression, but notnecessarily its context as such,
recognizing that it ties tothese same dynamics, these same
(26:34):
foundations, we may feel moreresistance to the idea of
internalized dominance. But Iwould invite you to explore this
as well, because this is theother piece that we need to look
at, is our proximity to power.
So this document refers tointernalized dominance as
habits, attitudes and patternsof behavior, often unconscious
(26:56):
or unbeknownst to oneself, yetactive in relation to others
that reflect the effects ofdominance, such as feelings of
entitlement, a sense ofsuperiority and the expression
of arrogance. Internalizeddominance results in the
assumption and expectation thatone is deserving a privilege
always in the right and meant tohave authority, often leading to
(27:20):
misplaced pride, moralrighteousness, mockery of
others, being insensitive to thesuffering of others, violence
against those seen as inferior,and denial of information or
experience that does not fitwith one's own point of view. I
want to highlight that last bitbecause a lot of times, again,
people that I know and work withwould think of this idea of
(27:46):
mocking others and beinginsensitive as appalling and not
something that they would do,and certainly not the violence
part and this idea of being inthe right has to do with control
and the places where we try andexert control over our own lives
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in ways that are really aboutcontrolling other people,
thinking about denial ofinformation or denial of others
experience because of a threatto our own sense of security,
our own sense of stability, ifit is not in alignment with our
(28:37):
own experience, or our own pointof view, or that feels
incriminating to a way thatwe've lived our life. It is a
way that we block receiving newinformation, because, again, it
(28:57):
can look like control andfeeling the need to control.
It's one of the reasons why Iemphasize care over control,
because care allows us toreceive, allows us to process
(29:17):
new information. I'm going tocome back a little bit to that,
but I want to share this quoteas well by Beverly Daniel Tatum,
which is, it may be useful toattend to your experience of
dominance when you may find itas a white person, as a
heterosexual, as an able bodiedperson, as a Christian, as a
(29:37):
man, and consider what systemsof privilege you may be
overlooking. The task ofresisting our own oppression
does not relieve us of theresponsibility of acknowledging
our complicity in the oppressionof others. How do we receive
information? How do we processinformation? How do we give
(30:02):
ourselves room to navigate thegrief, the pain, the discomfort
of processing new information,reconciling, integrating and
realigning to that newinformation. If we can't do it
(30:24):
in a simple area, and I saysimple, I mean it varies in
level of simplicity, but in aless emotionally charged,
potentially area as ourroutines, how can we show up to
that in a space when we'retalking about systemic
oppression and it's rooted inthe same thing. Can we be
(30:45):
flexible and receive newinformation? Do we allow space
for that processing to changethe rules, to do something
differently? Again, that meansgoing against the flow of our
society, the things that arerewarded in our structures.
(31:07):
There's no system that will everreward you for disrupting it. So
when you engage this when youwork to make room for a
liberatory practice such asreflecting and engaging new
(31:30):
information and digesting it,metabolizing it being in
connection with your body andits vibration being in
connection with others in theprocessing, there's going to be
resistance, and it's going torequire more energy. And again,
(31:51):
when you only have so muchenergy, it's very hard to make
room to have more, to use more,and that means requiring more
room for that work, as well asconnecting with others, almost
like with a pulley system. Ittakes less energy when you have
(32:13):
a process, when you have asystem, when you have supports,
including other people, twopeople pulling together are
going to be able to lift more sofinding community, finding other
people doing the work, andrecognizing that there's a draw
that's going To pull you away,and having accountability and
(32:39):
being mindful of the tools thatyou're using, because the tools
of oppression are seductive. I'mgoing to share one more quote
from Audre Lorde that you mayhave heard before. I know I had,
but I hadn't heard the wholequote or as much of it, as I'm
going to share with you, it goesfor the master's tools will
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never dismantle the master'shouse. They may allow us to
temporarily beat him at his owngame, but they will never enable
us to bring about genuinechange. Racism and homophobia
are real conditions of all ourlives in this place and time. I
urge each one of us here toreach down into that deep place
(33:24):
of knowledge inside herself andtouch that terror and loathing
of any difference that liveshere see whose face it wears
then the personal as thepolitical can begin to
illuminate all our choices.
(33:46):
Choices, illuminating choicesreally stands out to me there,
being able to receiveperspectives that are different
from us. It's not just aboutdifferent social identities and
the differences that go withthose. It's different lived
(34:06):
experiences, differentperspectives, different
understandings of problems,different approaches, different
solutions. It's why we need morepeople, not just to pull
together to do somethingdifferent, but also to think
outside of the box that we'vebeen conditioned to think in, to
be able to step away from thehierarchical thinking. One of
(34:30):
the things that stood out to meis also really being mindful of
how we rely on those spaces ofstability and security that
we've been conditioned to lookto such as our job, particularly
because a lot of times those areembedded in institutions that
(34:50):
reward you for playing the gamethat upholds the system it plays
into exploit. You and using thelove of your work, especially in
those helping professions, andtaking any difference as a
(35:13):
personal threat to how wellyou're doing your job, because
if it's counter to the rewardsthat the system will give you,
then you can't receive it,because then it becomes
dangerous, and that's part ofthe conditioning. It becomes a
reinforced fragility that wethen shut down voices gatekeep
(35:39):
and try and do things all byourselves, to create a silo of
other people who agree with us,to create a sense of stability
and security. And in doing so,then we shut down curiosity. We
shut down knowledge and powersharing and collective action
(36:00):
under this guise that we have tobe unified about all things,
instead of knowing how to engageeach other in conflict and
engage each other in growth, andwhen we start to shut things
down around us and can't receivethose conversations and New
information because we don'tgive ourselves room to digest
(36:23):
and metabolize new information.
We don't allow ourselves to gointo the cave and process
because of urgency andperfectionism and all of these
things that tell us we have tobe good, good enough. Then once
again, we're picking up themaster's tools and guarding the
master's house, even when weclaim and sometimes believe that
(36:44):
we want it dismantled. So goingback to those earlier quotes
about reflection inside, lookingat how we're participatory, and
those deep seeds are embedded inthere that we need to be mindful
of and engage again. No systemis going to reward you for
(37:07):
dismantling it. And anystructure that has a hierarchy
to it, this idea of climbing aladder. To climb a ladder, you
have to buy into the idea thatthere's a ladder to climb, and
we're fed this idea that, well,once I get to the top of the
ladder, I'll have more impact.
I'll be able to do more. And whodid you have to stand on to get
(37:32):
to that point? To dismantle theladder, the hierarchy, the
culture of supremacy, we have torelease the illusion that we can
win by climbing a ladder, theladder is a lie. Difference
doesn't mean one is good or theother is bad. We have to let go
(37:52):
of the attachment to being thegood one, to proving ourselves,
to getting it right, and insteadfocus on being someone who
listens, who learns, who takesaction, who stays accountable
and grows. And we have to beable to go into the cave and do
(38:18):
that reflection, to be able tocome out and seed and plant and
grow and harvest and go into thecave and reflect and extract and
learn. I know this can feel big.
I just I went from small to big,so let's bring it back to small
(38:44):
again. Let's return to where thepower lies for you, because it
can feel overwhelming, thispressure of responsibility in
this larger context. And theinvitation here really is
looking at, where is thisplaying in your life? Where are
you blocking rest? Where are youblocking reflection? Where could
(39:10):
you expand and allow room forthat period of processing? That
preparation period, thatrealignment period, that
stepping into the unknownexperience, that recalibration,
(39:30):
where there's deep listening andawareness, inner wisdom,
listening, outer wisdom,listening slowing down so that
you can engage in a way thataligns with who you want to be
(39:55):
in the world and the impact thatyou. Want to make. So where can
you create room? Or where areyou feeling a push and tension,
and what supports can you createto allow yourself that room? One
of the exercises that I inviteclients in the Reclaim your
(40:16):
routine workshop to do iscreating three rituals of
support. And sometimes we getreally fixed, and it has to look
a particular way. So I'll giveyou an example. If one of the
supports is that you meditate inthe morning, setting up layers
to that. So if it's a reallyrushed morning, that meditation
(40:41):
can look like standing, feelingyour feet on the ground, taking
a breath, that's good, that'ssomething that's connecting,
that's allowing support foryourself. If you have more time,
then it's a five minutemeditation, five minutes of
breathing, five minutes oflooking out the window at
(41:05):
nature, going for a walk aroundthe block, and if you have a lot
more time, or you had a reallyexhausting period, or You're in
a period of shift, then buildingin more time, like half an hour
to go for a walk, going out intoa natural area, and taking a
(41:28):
concerted amount of time. Thatbe the best. But this way you
have a spectrum whereby you cantap into an aspect of that
support that meets you whereyou're at, and honors what you
need to create room. And as youstart to create room, you'll be
(41:54):
able to create more room,because your attention goes to
this is important. This isvaluable. You can start to
notice the difference that itmakes, and noticing that helps
make more room for it, as wellas helps you connect with other
people who are interested andwilling to do the same. Because
(42:17):
that's something that you'refocused on, you're putting
energy into it. Goes back to theinterview that I did with Taina
Brown, which I referenced lasttime as well, that micro actions
to create big change, thosethings pour into doing it
differently, making room forthat winter, for that cave
(42:40):
period, for that shadow time, tolook at our shadow self and
integrate so that we cancontinuously grow and lean Into
the Unknown spaces that allow usto creatively build the world
that we want to live in, ratherthan reactively perpetuating our
(43:06):
oppressive systems. I will havea number of resources linked in
the show notes if you want to godeeper and really lean into a
period of unlearning aroundoppressive systems. Check those
links out if you are in a periodof I need to do some work of
(43:31):
unlearning how those are playingin my own life in a very
personal way. I invite you toget on a call with me, I'm happy
to chat with you and explorewhat are some patterns of
imposter syndrome,perfectionism, stress
management, all these placeswhere we want to create more
(43:51):
control so that you can learn tohave more resiliency and
implement more care in yourlife, so that you're building in
a way that isn't perpetuatingharm in your life and thus into
the world. I will also link somebooks and resources from the
people that I reference thequotes that I referenced. So
(44:12):
check those out, and I will talkto you all next time.
Thanks for listening. I soappreciate you being here. If
you got something out of today'sepisode, please share it, leave
me a review, take a screenshotand post it on social with a
shout out to me. Send it to afriend or, you know, all of the
above. Want to hang out more,join me on Instagram, or better
(44:35):
yet, get on my mailing list tomake sure you don't miss out on
anything, and remember yourpossibilities are as unlimited
as you are. Allow yourself toshine, my friend, the world
needs your light. See you nexttime you.
Hello, my friends and welcome to another
(00:02):
episode of unlimited today. Weare talking about embracing
periods of reflection. Irecorded this episode as a way
to try to coalesce thoughts thathave been coming up through my
coaching work, but also throughvarious aspects of my personal
(00:24):
life. There's certain areas ofmy life that I don't generally
share. I don't put into theonline public world or bring
into my work in a direct way,because it just doesn't feel
appropriate to do that in avariety of ways, but also
(00:47):
including that, there's aslippery slope into
performativeness when you startto put things online. I've
talked a little bit before aboutwhen you put things online,
there is a natural aspect ofperforming, because you're
curating what you're puttingforward, not to say that it
can't be authentic, andrecognizing that it it shifts
(01:13):
the quality. And I think thatfor me, it's important that I
not muddy my focus and distractfrom the reason I do that social
justice work, that advocacywork, and keep that where it is.
At the same time, a lot of whatcomes forward in that work I see
(01:39):
reflected in my work as a coachand vice versa, the roots and
the the patterns that arerelated to each other come
forward, and I think it'simportant to spend time
reflecting on how thoseintersect, as well as to just
(02:04):
spend time reflecting where wedon't really value that or give
space for that. And so, for mepersonally, both of these things
are very intertwined. They'revery much related to each other
in terms of like that work isrelated to why I do the work
(02:25):
that I do as a coach, and thework that I do as a coach is
informed by that other work, mycoaching philosophy. I think I
want to pull forward here, andit's on my website, but just to
emphasize it here, my philosophyis that to shift the patterns
that create imbalances in theworld, we must first engage the
(02:48):
internalized patterns that limitus in our own lives. This self
work not only expands the impactof our work in the world, but
also creates more intentional,present and joyful relationships
in all areas of our life, whichthen inform how we show up in
the world. There's an interplaytogether. So while I don't go
(03:10):
into details on the morepersonal engagement sides in
this episode, I really thoughtit was important to observe a
common feature of the need forreflection. So I'm reflecting on
reflecting. I hope that I'vebeen successful in pulling these
(03:33):
ideas together for you. I dothink that these reflections
belong in a larger conversationthan just thoughts from me. So
it's another reason why I put alot of resources for you to look
at in the show notes. I wouldalso love to hear your thoughts
and what this episode brings upfor you. So I invite you to send
(03:56):
me an email on my website whereI have the episode posted, there
are also places where you canput comments. So you're welcome
to do that as well. I keepforgetting to mention that or
reach out to me through directmessenger. There's lots of ways
to reach me, and I invite you todo so. And now, without further
ado, let's get started.
(04:17):
Hey there. I'm ValerieFriedlander, Certified Life
business alignment coach, andthis is unlimited. This podcast
bridges the individual and thesocietal, scientific and
spiritual, positive andnegative, nerdy and no, there's
just a lot of nerdy. Come onboard. And let's unlock a life
that's as badass as you are.
(04:46):
In a time that feels sounpredictable and chaotic, most
of us want something that feelsstable and secure, and so many
of the things that we've beentaught are supposed to be stable
and secure. Aren't yet we stillgo to them like they're going to
(05:08):
be like jobs, for example, likeworking for a company. I just
had a friend whose spouse gotlaid off, and part of what's
being grappled with is the storythat she knows is a story, and
it's not really true anymore,but yet, there's this embedded
(05:29):
belief that that createsstability, and having a regular
paycheck certainly does create acertain amount of stability. And
does that make it secure? Inthis day and age, there's a lot
that isn't secure, and there's alot of uncertainty, and that
uses more energy. I'm running aprogram right now called reclaim
(05:50):
your routine. And one of thethings that people struggle with
when it comes to routines, andpart of the reason I actually
thought about not calling itthis, because people are going
to hear this and go, I can'thave a routine, and it's because
life is so busy and chaotic andthings happen, especially for
(06:11):
parents, but for anybody rightnow, there's so many curveballs
that get thrown, so manysurprises, so many unknowns
We're coming into, well, we'rereally in the middle of an
election cycle, and that createsa lot of instability and
uncertainty. And so there's thisdesire to have stability and
(06:34):
certainty and have things thatare routine. Routines simplify
things. They allow our brains torelax a little bit, because the
more we have to actively thinkabout things, the more energy we
spend, whereas if you havesomething that you can just
count on, that just happens, andthis is what we do. It's easier.
(06:55):
I've mentioned in a previousepisode that idea of simplifying
things, if you can have like acapsule wardrobe, and you don't
have to make as many decisionsabout what to wear, The simpler
you can make it, the more youcan reduce decision making, the
less energy you have to spend.
And there's value influctuation. There's value in
cycles and in change, andallowing ourselves to embrace
(07:16):
those cycles and embrace changeand step into unknowns. So many
of the problems in our worldright now have to do with a lack
of creativity and this fear ofthe unknown and of change, and
we're kept in a place ofinstability in a lot of ways, in
(07:43):
some basic ways, because thenwe're more manipulatable and
we're taught to rely on certainthings. Just a lot of our
conditioning has to do withstructures that are inherently
rotten. So I'm going to talk alittle bit about embracing
(08:09):
cycles and recognizing cycles,and I'm also going to explore
some of the rotten foundationsthat lead us to struggling with
cycles and sinking into thesespaces that are inhibiting us,
(08:29):
that are limiting us. And as youknow, this podcast is called
unlimited because we're talkingabout ways that we have
internalized limits versuschosen limits, our society has
very much upheld this mechanicalkind of value system, this idea
(08:49):
of constantly being Inproduction and being predictable
and consistent and again, thisis not to say that consistency
is a bad thing, but it's alsorecognizing that there's time
frames for consistency, likeconsistency isn't always
(09:11):
consistent, or what isconsistent doesn't Stay
consistent at all periods oftime.
Natural rhythms take place in aliving context, and so they're
not as predictable as themechanical world, but there are
patterns and rhythms in thosecycles, so they're not
(09:33):
completely off balance. It'swhen we divorce ourselves from a
connection to those rhythms.
When we sever our ability tolean into the rhythms and cycles
that are natural, that we blocka sense of stability within
(09:54):
those cycles, within that flow.
When I talk about naturalcycles, I am talking about Earth
cycles as well as our bodiescycles, because we're part of
nature. And this, I think, is afundamental component to where
(10:14):
we disconnect is in ourconnection to our bodies and our
ability to trust ourselves andhear ourselves, or, I should
say, hear ourselves and to trustourselves. I've done some
explorations around cycles andlooking at lunar cycles,
(10:39):
menstrual cycles, seasonalcycles, cycles of change and the
different wheels of life. Andwhen I look at those, there's a
lot of alignment between them.
There's phases, and I'll useseasonal phases as an example.
I've talked about this before,but we're going to dive just a
little bit deeper into that ofthe winter, spring, summer,
(11:02):
fall. There are certain seasonsthat are more valued than other
seasons, and you can even see itin stages of life, as another
example, from baby to child toparent to senior. Or if we're
looking at the feminine cycleright, there's the baby girl,
(11:29):
mother, crone cycle. And thosealso would line up. And we tend
to value these spaces of thespring, the idea the doing
summer, where we're engaged andwe have lots of energy and we're
getting things done, even theautumn, where we're harvesting
(11:51):
and reaping the value of whatwe've planted. It's the winter
the Crone, the luteal cycle, theEarth, the physical connection
that gets super devalued. And Idon't know if it's because of
(12:15):
its devaluation that it standsout to me as so important and
valuable, or if it is because ofits actual importance. I mean, I
think that it is actuallyimportant, but it stands out
dramatically to me, and I dothink that it has to do with its
(12:35):
devaluation, that we really needto bring in an embracing of that
time period, that phase of life,that part of the cycle. And I
think some of the reason whyit's devalued is because it's a
shuffling period. It's not adoing period, it's a processing
(12:57):
period. It's a reflection periodwhere we're listening, we're
turning inward. If you think ofwinter, it's going into a
hibernation, going into thecave, listening, slowing down,
realigning, meditating,processing. This is that period
(13:17):
of the shadow where we arelearning, we're not creating,
we're not doing, we're notproducing, we're processing. And
over and over and over again Isee with clients, there's a step
(13:40):
that we miss that makes a hugedifference. So if we even just
go to the routines, and we thinkabout work routines, okay,
something that keeps coming upis, Oh, I'm so much more
focused. I'm so much moreproductive when I'm clear on the
(14:04):
task that I'm doing, and there'sfrustration and tension around
well, I should just be doing it.
I need to be doing more things,and part of the tension has to
do with not being clear, but wemiss that step, the time period
(14:31):
of reflecting, of processing, ofdeciding, of preparing. The fact
of the fact of the matter isthat this period doesn't always
feel good, because it meansdigesting information. It means
being realistic with where weare. It means looking and
(14:53):
listening and engaging theinformation in our emotions, in
our bodies, what we have, thecapacity for and it doesn't feel
good all the time because, one,we haven't been conditioned to
feel good about it doesn't feellike accomplishing anything. It
(15:14):
doesn't feel like doinganything. It's the preparing to
do something or to not dosomething based on what
information comes through, andsometimes, for some of us, we
need more time with that. Ittakes longer and when that's not
(15:35):
something that gets rewarded,that's not something gets
acknowledged or supported, itcan be hard to make room for it,
and it's just it's been standingout to me as this piece that so
often is missing. And when weengage my client will be like,
of course. Well, that makessense. Like, I need that time.
(16:01):
And yet it doesn't occur untilwe call it forward and say, Oh,
we're missing a step. It doesn'tget acknowledged as valuable
effort. And then, of course,there's the other side of it, as
resting, preparing can beresting, and we think of that as
(16:23):
being lazy. And there's so manystories around that. Yet, one of
the things that was coming tomind for me is I, I'm a multi
passionate I have lots of thingsthat I want to do, lots of
ideas, and sometimes I feel likeI'm the rope in a tug of war of
interests, where I'm feelingpulled in all the directions so
(16:43):
I'm standing still. It's notbecause I'm procrastinating,
it's because so many things arepulling in different directions
that I'm not moving right. Whenyou have tug of war, and there
are equal parts on both sides,and they're both pulling the
rope just stays there in themiddle, that little knot that's
(17:05):
supposed to go over the line, itjust stays there in the middle.
Maybe it pulls a little way oneway and a little way another
way, but it doesn't go anywhere.
It's not that nothing'shappening.
But then we learn to beatourselves up. And that teaches
us and affirms to us this storyabout who we are and what is
(17:32):
valuable. So I put forward thisidea of what if we actually
embraced that time. One of theother things that I talk about
in the Reclaim your routineworkshop is the importance of a
recalibration time. So often,when we do something different
(17:56):
or life happens, we think, Well,now I should just jump right
back into what I was doing. I amback from a vacation or from
something that happened, and I'mable to get back to my routine.
Why am I not just doing what I'msupposed to be doing? And it's
(18:16):
because the step ofrecalibrating is missing the
step of processing what justhappened, whether we liked it or
not, processing what happenedbefore we just start doing the
same old thing again. Sometimesprocessing what happened informs
(18:39):
a shift that needs to happen,and when we don't take the time
to process that, we don'tincorporate the shift that needs
to happen, the new informationthat needs to filter into the
way we do things. Again, thisidea of cycles holds value for
us in terms of our ability tolearn and grow. I think it can
(19:04):
be apparent why this isimportant to each of us as
individuals. Like when you thinkabout it, it's like, oh yeah, I
need that space. I need thattime to rest, to recover, to
recalibrate, to engage. Okay,well, why is this so devalued,
(19:27):
and what makes it so hard toengage? Because even when you
know this is valuable, it ishard to make room for it. And I
work with so many people who endup running into guilt around
taking the time that's actuallyneeded, and I believe there is
(19:51):
some very fundamental reasonswhy that is and I mentioned
before because we're more.
Manipulatable when we're insurvival mode, when we are
constantly in the doings and therunning and the rushing, and
it's at a very fundamentallevel. I want to share a few
quotes with you, because I thinkthat it pulls forward the deep
(20:17):
reasonings and they tie to someunderstandings that have helped
me find the motivation to makeroom to combat the guilt that
can come up over not makingspace for myself. I'm going to
start by sharing a series ofquotes that an account I follow
(20:40):
on Instagram called Blackliturgies shared recently, and
I'll link to that post in theshow notes. The first quote is
by Audre Lorde, and it's thetrue focus of revolutionary
change is never merely theoppressive situations which we
seek to escape, but that pieceof the oppressor which is
(21:03):
planted deep within each of us.
The next quote is by Cole ArthurRiley, to be truly liberated, we
must confront the parts ofourselves that are in a hidden
alliance with the systems thatseek to destroy us. And the
(21:24):
third quote is by Bayard Rustin,the only way to reduce ugliness
in the world is to reduce it inyourself.
These highlight the value ofdoing the work to reflect and to
connect and to shift some ofthese patterns. And it is a
(21:47):
constant work, because we areconstantly being infused with
the ideas, the cultural,societal ideas of what's
valuable and what's not. So ittakes some constant work, which
does take more energy. So alsoholding space for I'm going to
(22:08):
have to use more energy to swimupstream, to be a salmon, to
reduce that in ourselves. It'slike when you're a fish in water
that's polluted, you're going totake on some of that pollution
and need systems for filtrationwithin yourself, and that takes
(22:30):
energy to do that filtration,but to really lean into the
change that we need in theworld, To honor ourselves and to
create the space and cultureshifting to allow liberation, to
liberate ourselves fromoppression societally, and to
(22:55):
ensure that we don't perpetuateit upon others, we have to do
that work and allow that space,and that takes energy, which
means that we need those spacesof introspection, those spaces
where we are looking withinourselves and seeing how we are
complicit in the systems thatseek to destroy us.
(23:20):
There's a quote by bell hooksthat is, the house of oppression
has many rooms, but only onefoundation, the idea of superior
to or better than. And if you'resomeone who hears that and goes,
Well, I never think that I'msuperior, I if anything, I feel
inferior or I struggle with thisidea of not being good enough,
(23:44):
you know, imposter syndrome andall of that. That's the same
foundation. It's rooted in thesame idea of hierarchy. It plays
into these spaces of oppressionand dominance, and it has to do
with how we've internalizedthose things, and that
(24:05):
foundation, that root, is how weuphold the systems, whether we
feel oppressed by them orwhether we are feeling empowered
by them, we will perpetuate thembecause we bought into the
stories of oppression anddominance in a internalized way,
(24:27):
rather than a, oh, this is asystem that I can consciously
engage. It's an internalizationwhich you don't have conscious
engagement with.
So we have to take a look at it.
I'm going to share writing thatwas given to me through the
National seed project. It wasdeveloped by Hugo mahabir for
(24:48):
the seed project, and it speaksto the idea of internalized
oppression and internalized DOM.
Defines internalized oppressionas habits, attitudes and
patterns of behavior, oftenunconscious or unbeknownst to
(25:09):
oneself, yet active in relationto others that reflect the
effects of oppression, such asfeelings of inadequacy, a sense
of inferiority and theexpression of self hatred.
Internalized oppression resultsin the acceptance of
projections, assumptions andstereotypes, often leading to
self doubt, dislike of one's owngroup, self criticism, self
(25:32):
mockery, feelings ofpowerlessness and hopelessness,
embarrassment, shame, selfdestructiveness, cynicism,
impatience with others, mistakesviolence against those less
powerful and collusion with theoppression. There's a quote by
Ellie brown that is, it's whenwe don't trust our thinking that
(25:52):
we start buying into theoppressive messages, and it's
when we feel powerless to changethings that we pass the
oppression on to others. We buyinto racism, sexism and other
isms. We buy into the oppressionof young people, even as we are
still being crushed by itourselves and are intimately
(26:13):
familiar with its cruelty. A lotof the people that I work with
are probably more intimatelyfamiliar or conscious of the
internalized oppression, but notnecessarily its context as such,
recognizing that it ties tothese same dynamics, these same
(26:34):
foundations, we may feel moreresistance to the idea of
internalized dominance. But Iwould invite you to explore this
as well, because this is theother piece that we need to look
at, is our proximity to power.
So this document refers tointernalized dominance as
habits, attitudes and patternsof behavior, often unconscious
(26:56):
or unbeknownst to oneself, yetactive in relation to others
that reflect the effects ofdominance, such as feelings of
entitlement, a sense ofsuperiority and the expression
of arrogance. Internalizeddominance results in the
assumption and expectation thatone is deserving a privilege
always in the right and meant tohave authority, often leading to
(27:20):
misplaced pride, moralrighteousness, mockery of
others, being insensitive to thesuffering of others, violence
against those seen as inferior,and denial of information or
experience that does not fitwith one's own point of view. I
want to highlight that last bitbecause a lot of times, again,
people that I know and work withwould think of this idea of
(27:46):
mocking others and beinginsensitive as appalling and not
something that they would do,and certainly not the violence
part and this idea of being inthe right has to do with control
and the places where we try andexert control over our own lives
(28:14):
in ways that are really aboutcontrolling other people,
thinking about denial ofinformation or denial of others
experience because of a threatto our own sense of security,
our own sense of stability, ifit is not in alignment with our
(28:37):
own experience, or our own pointof view, or that feels
incriminating to a way thatwe've lived our life. It is a
way that we block receiving newinformation, because, again, it
(28:57):
can look like control andfeeling the need to control.
It's one of the reasons why Iemphasize care over control,
because care allows us toreceive, allows us to process
(29:17):
new information. I'm going tocome back a little bit to that,
but I want to share this quoteas well by Beverly Daniel Tatum,
which is, it may be useful toattend to your experience of
dominance when you may find itas a white person, as a
heterosexual, as an able bodiedperson, as a Christian, as a
(29:37):
man, and consider what systemsof privilege you may be
overlooking. The task ofresisting our own oppression
does not relieve us of theresponsibility of acknowledging
our complicity in the oppressionof others. How do we receive
information? How do we processinformation? How do we give
(30:02):
ourselves room to navigate thegrief, the pain, the discomfort
of processing new information,reconciling, integrating and
realigning to that newinformation. If we can't do it
(30:24):
in a simple area, and I saysimple, I mean it varies in
level of simplicity, but in aless emotionally charged,
potentially area as ourroutines, how can we show up to
that in a space when we'retalking about systemic
oppression and it's rooted inthe same thing. Can we be
(30:45):
flexible and receive newinformation? Do we allow space
for that processing to changethe rules, to do something
differently? Again, that meansgoing against the flow of our
society, the things that arerewarded in our structures.
(31:07):
There's no system that will everreward you for disrupting it. So
when you engage this when youwork to make room for a
liberatory practice such asreflecting and engaging new
(31:30):
information and digesting it,metabolizing it being in
connection with your body andits vibration being in
connection with others in theprocessing, there's going to be
resistance, and it's going torequire more energy. And again,
(31:51):
when you only have so muchenergy, it's very hard to make
room to have more, to use more,and that means requiring more
room for that work, as well asconnecting with others, almost
like with a pulley system. Ittakes less energy when you have
(32:13):
a process, when you have asystem, when you have supports,
including other people, twopeople pulling together are
going to be able to lift more sofinding community, finding other
people doing the work, andrecognizing that there's a draw
that's going To pull you away,and having accountability and
(32:39):
being mindful of the tools thatyou're using, because the tools
of oppression are seductive. I'mgoing to share one more quote
from Audre Lorde that you mayhave heard before. I know I had,
but I hadn't heard the wholequote or as much of it, as I'm
going to share with you, it goesfor the master's tools will
(33:03):
never dismantle the master'shouse. They may allow us to
temporarily beat him at his owngame, but they will never enable
us to bring about genuinechange. Racism and homophobia
are real conditions of all ourlives in this place and time. I
urge each one of us here toreach down into that deep place
(33:24):
of knowledge inside herself andtouch that terror and loathing
of any difference that liveshere see whose face it wears
then the personal as thepolitical can begin to
illuminate all our choices.
(33:46):
Choices, illuminating choicesreally stands out to me there,
being able to receiveperspectives that are different
from us. It's not just aboutdifferent social identities and
the differences that go withthose. It's different lived
(34:06):
experiences, differentperspectives, different
understandings of problems,different approaches, different
solutions. It's why we need morepeople, not just to pull
together to do somethingdifferent, but also to think
outside of the box that we'vebeen conditioned to think in, to
be able to step away from thehierarchical thinking. One of
(34:30):
the things that stood out to meis also really being mindful of
how we rely on those spaces ofstability and security that
we've been conditioned to lookto such as our job, particularly
because a lot of times those areembedded in institutions that
(34:50):
reward you for playing the gamethat upholds the system it plays
into exploit. You and using thelove of your work, especially in
those helping professions, andtaking any difference as a
(35:13):
personal threat to how wellyou're doing your job, because
if it's counter to the rewardsthat the system will give you,
then you can't receive it,because then it becomes
dangerous, and that's part ofthe conditioning. It becomes a
reinforced fragility that wethen shut down voices gatekeep
(35:39):
and try and do things all byourselves, to create a silo of
other people who agree with us,to create a sense of stability
and security. And in doing so,then we shut down curiosity. We
shut down knowledge and powersharing and collective action
(36:00):
under this guise that we have tobe unified about all things,
instead of knowing how to engageeach other in conflict and
engage each other in growth, andwhen we start to shut things
down around us and can't receivethose conversations and New
information because we don'tgive ourselves room to digest
(36:23):
and metabolize new information.
We don't allow ourselves to gointo the cave and process
because of urgency andperfectionism and all of these
things that tell us we have tobe good, good enough. Then once
again, we're picking up themaster's tools and guarding the
master's house, even when weclaim and sometimes believe that
(36:44):
we want it dismantled. So goingback to those earlier quotes
about reflection inside, lookingat how we're participatory, and
those deep seeds are embedded inthere that we need to be mindful
of and engage again. No systemis going to reward you for
(37:07):
dismantling it. And anystructure that has a hierarchy
to it, this idea of climbing aladder. To climb a ladder, you
have to buy into the idea thatthere's a ladder to climb, and
we're fed this idea that, well,once I get to the top of the
ladder, I'll have more impact.
I'll be able to do more. And whodid you have to stand on to get
(37:32):
to that point? To dismantle theladder, the hierarchy, the
culture of supremacy, we have torelease the illusion that we can
win by climbing a ladder, theladder is a lie. Difference
doesn't mean one is good or theother is bad. We have to let go
(37:52):
of the attachment to being thegood one, to proving ourselves,
to getting it right, and insteadfocus on being someone who
listens, who learns, who takesaction, who stays accountable
and grows. And we have to beable to go into the cave and do
(38:18):
that reflection, to be able tocome out and seed and plant and
grow and harvest and go into thecave and reflect and extract and
learn. I know this can feel big.
I just I went from small to big,so let's bring it back to small
(38:44):
again. Let's return to where thepower lies for you, because it
can feel overwhelming, thispressure of responsibility in
this larger context. And theinvitation here really is
looking at, where is thisplaying in your life? Where are
you blocking rest? Where are youblocking reflection? Where could
(39:10):
you expand and allow room forthat period of processing? That
preparation period, thatrealignment period, that
stepping into the unknownexperience, that recalibration,
(39:30):
where there's deep listening andawareness, inner wisdom,
listening, outer wisdom,listening slowing down so that
you can engage in a way thataligns with who you want to be
(39:55):
in the world and the impact thatyou. Want to make. So where can
you create room? Or where areyou feeling a push and tension,
and what supports can you createto allow yourself that room? One
of the exercises that I inviteclients in the Reclaim your
(40:16):
routine workshop to do iscreating three rituals of
support. And sometimes we getreally fixed, and it has to look
a particular way. So I'll giveyou an example. If one of the
supports is that you meditate inthe morning, setting up layers
to that. So if it's a reallyrushed morning, that meditation
(40:41):
can look like standing, feelingyour feet on the ground, taking
a breath, that's good, that'ssomething that's connecting,
that's allowing support foryourself. If you have more time,
then it's a five minutemeditation, five minutes of
breathing, five minutes oflooking out the window at
(41:05):
nature, going for a walk aroundthe block, and if you have a lot
more time, or you had a reallyexhausting period, or You're in
a period of shift, then buildingin more time, like half an hour
to go for a walk, going out intoa natural area, and taking a
(41:28):
concerted amount of time. Thatbe the best. But this way you
have a spectrum whereby you cantap into an aspect of that
support that meets you whereyou're at, and honors what you
need to create room. And as youstart to create room, you'll be
(41:54):
able to create more room,because your attention goes to
this is important. This isvaluable. You can start to
notice the difference that itmakes, and noticing that helps
make more room for it, as wellas helps you connect with other
people who are interested andwilling to do the same. Because
(42:17):
that's something that you'refocused on, you're putting
energy into it. Goes back to theinterview that I did with Taina
Brown, which I referenced lasttime as well, that micro actions
to create big change, thosethings pour into doing it
differently, making room forthat winter, for that cave
(42:40):
period, for that shadow time, tolook at our shadow self and
integrate so that we cancontinuously grow and lean Into
the Unknown spaces that allow usto creatively build the world
that we want to live in, ratherthan reactively perpetuating our
(43:06):
oppressive systems. I will havea number of resources linked in
the show notes if you want to godeeper and really lean into a
period of unlearning aroundoppressive systems. Check those
links out if you are in a periodof I need to do some work of
(43:31):
unlearning how those are playingin my own life in a very
personal way. I invite you toget on a call with me, I'm happy
to chat with you and explorewhat are some patterns of
imposter syndrome,perfectionism, stress
management, all these placeswhere we want to create more
(43:51):
control so that you can learn tohave more resiliency and
implement more care in yourlife, so that you're building in
a way that isn't perpetuatingharm in your life and thus into
the world. I will also link somebooks and resources from the
people that I reference thequotes that I referenced. So
(44:12):
check those out, and I will talkto you all next time.
Thanks for listening. I soappreciate you being here. If
you got something out of today'sepisode, please share it, leave
me a review, take a screenshotand post it on social with a
shout out to me. Send it to afriend or, you know, all of the
above. Want to hang out more,join me on Instagram, or better
(44:35):
yet, get on my mailing list tomake sure you don't miss out on
anything, and remember yourpossibilities are as unlimited
as you are. Allow yourself toshine, my friend, the world
needs your light. See you nexttime you.
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