August 13, 2025 • 47 mins
Flexible routines for real life don’t come from a one-size-fits-all approach — no matter what the countless books and “success” formulas claim. Everyone’s life, capacity, and circumstances are different, and we all need space to account for how both direct and indirect events impact our time, energy, and priorities. Prescriptive systems that ignore this reality dismiss our lived experiences and fuel self-doubt. Instead of forcing yourself into someone else’s mold, you deserve routines that honor your humanity, support your energy, and meet you where you are. What works for you today might not work next month, and that’s okay. Structure and flexibility both have a role in building a system that works for you.
In this replay episode, I explore how to create flexible routines for real life that still incorporate structure but in a way that allows you to adapt when life shifts without losing yourself in the process.
Some of what I’ll cover in this episode includes:
- How to bake flexibility into your plans
- Determining routines that support you
- Meeting yourself where you’re at in creating new habits
- Understanding the relationship between time and energy
- Exercises to assess where you’re spending your energy
If you’ve been feeling stretched thin, scattered, or drained, this conversation will help you design a daily rhythm that supports you — not just your to-do list.
LINKS FROM THIS EPISODE:
Episode 7 – Can I Make Plans Yet
Reclaim Your Routine Workshop Series
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This podcast was produced by Valerie Friedlander Coaching
Proud member of the Feminist Podcasters Collective
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Valerie Friedlander (00:00):
Hello, my friends and welcome to a replay
(00:02):
episode of Mindset, unlimited.
Mindset tips, tools andinspiration for women in a time
of change. I'm your host.
Valerie Friedlander, ICFcertified coach, sociologist,
intersectional feminist, truthseeker, artist, mom and nerd.
Today we are talking aboutflexible routines for real life.
(00:24):
This is to help you shift yourschedule from a space of
overwhelm to alignment. And Iwanted to talk about this now
because it's come up for avariety of reasons. Before I do
share a little bit about whatthat is, I want to highlight
that this is a replay of myseason one episode creating your
(00:47):
ideal day your way, which I alsoreplayed in season three, two
years ago, as how to create aschedule that works for you. I'm
bringing this back again for acouple reasons, one, that's very
personal, and the other, becauseI think this is a really, really
(01:08):
tough time right now. There is alot going on, and so it feels a
little bit weird to talk aboutschedules, and we are creatures
of habit, so we need supportsfor ourselves as we navigate
uncertainty, as we navigate avery upsetting political dynamic
(01:29):
and world dynamic. There's somany things happening right now.
It's overwhelming, it'semotionally exhausting, and it's
very easy for our stressresponse to take over and us to
fall into our usual way of doingthings, when things are really
just not usual, and they need tobe treated as not usual. But
what does that mean? And how doI do that, and how do I still
(01:52):
function in the world at thesame time? So that's a big
reason why this came up. I'llshare a little bit about the
personal reason. One being, andthere are a couple actually
personal reasons. One is, myyounger son is trying to find a
schedule that works for him nowthat camp is done and school
(02:15):
hasn't started yet, and he'strying to be more mindful about
his screen time. We've talked alot about it, and he started
noticing, I think, the maturitylevel upped a little bit. You
know, those times, for those ofyou who are parents, you can
kind of tell where it's like,oh, we hit this maturity level,
and there's a more selfawareness here, or whatever. So
he started noticing that therewas a difference for him, when
(02:39):
he was on the screen more often.
So he was trying to put himselfschedule together. He has ADHD
we've been working on this andreally trying to allow him space
to figure things out. And wewere talking a lot about, hey,
so you tried something, itdidn't work the way that you
thought it would. So now weadjust. And we were talking
about these sorts of things, andit reminded me of this episode.
(03:01):
So that's one another. One isthat, well, I wasn't planning on
doing a replay episode, butfrankly, there's just a lot
going on emotionally in my life,as well as logistically. We're
about to start school. My olderson's going to high school.
There are all these paperthings. You know how when the
(03:22):
kids go to school, thensuddenly, like you get all the
homework, at least as they getstarted. So navigating all of
that. We were working on somestuff with the house, and we
have old house, Chicago bungalowhouse, and you start a project,
and you think, you know, andthen it's gonna take at least
twice as long as you thought itwas. Thought it was simple, not
(03:45):
so simple, that sort of thingyou know, plaster walls, for
those of you who know so. Sothere's that. And then I also
recently got some news aboutsome illness in my close family.
So that's been taking anattention but also emotional
toll, and it's one I'm happy topay, not because I'm happy about
(04:09):
the diagnosis, but because it'simportant to me to make room for
my family and these things thatneed my care and also need my
own nurturing as I navigatethat. So with all of these
things going on against thebackdrop of authoritarianism and
death of democracy, and all ofthose other awful things
(04:33):
happening in the world, in thiscountry, etc, etc, it's just,
it's just a lot. So I wastrying, was hustling, was
pushing, to try and get a newepisode out. And I went, Wait a
second, Valerie, why don't youlisten to yourself, take a page
out of your own book and pauseand see what you really need.
(04:56):
And then I thought about thisepisode. I'm like, Well, maybe
it's. Somebody else needs thistoo, because I sure did so in a
society that is always pushingus to go faster and do more and
take on more, and you can do itand push and push and push. I
want to invite you to slow down,and I want to invite you to
(05:17):
pause and check in and find anadjustment that actually meets
you and honors you where you areand what you need. There is no
one size fits all routine.
There's not even a one size fitsyou all the time routine and the
(05:39):
how successful people starttheir day. Advice is built on a
false idea that we all have thesame 24 hours a day and can get
the same amount of done if wejust do it right. And as I have
said before, and I will continuesaying that is a load of crap.
It is not true. Energy and timeare all tied together. All of
our resources are tied together,and I'm not interested in
(06:03):
dehumanizing myself or you. Ourworth is more than our
productivity, and it's importantthat we honor who we are and not
push ourselves into unrealisticexpectations, even if, when we
set them, we didn't realize theywere unrealistic. We gotta meet
ourselves where we're at. And soI'm inviting you to step outside
(06:27):
of this pattern, if you have itlike I have, of beating yourself
up for not working out the waythat you wanted. We're not
puncturing our own tires. We'regonna slow down. We're not gonna
should all over ourselves. We'renot going to should on ourselves
for shitting on ourselves. Wewant to step into our own power,
(06:50):
and that means, again, checkingin, pulling in, and finding what
fits. So this episode is allabout helping you find what
fits, so that no matter whatlife throws at you, you have
systems in place support systemsin place to help you show up as
(07:11):
the version of yourself that youwant to be, and that's going to
look different every day. Andit's not only based off of you,
it's also based off of yoursystems, our systems, and so
knowing that those things havean impact and making room for
it. So some of what you'll hearin this episode includes how to
(07:33):
bake flexibility into yourplans, determining routines that
support you, meeting yourselfwhere you're at, and creating
new habits, understanding therelationship between time and
energy, and exercises to assistyou when you're trying to figure
out where you're spending yourenergy. So that was a lot, but I
(07:57):
really I like to give you a newintro when I do a replay, so
that you're getting something alittle bit fresh and new. And if
you don't need this, the rest ofthis, because you're like, I
already listened to this, andI've totally assimilated it, and
it's all good, cool. Thanks forstopping by. But if you do, I
hope you'll continue listening.
And if you're like, No, I needmore. I need more. I am getting
(08:20):
ready to kick off my reclaimyour routine program again for
this fall. I have not set thedates or anything like that yet,
but that will be coming. And sothere is a link in the show
notes to a sign up where you cansign up for the wait list, for
(08:42):
interest, so that once I haveall the details together, you'll
get it and of course, if you'relistening to this a little bit
later, all the details will bethere too. So keep your eye on
that sign up if you'reinterested. So and it's no
obligation if you sign up withinterest, it's just that you'll
get a notification from me forsure that, hey, here's all the
(09:03):
details. So if you know you wantthat, go check it out. It is a
live three part workshop that wework together to build the
foundation of your routine,create your routine and
troubleshoot it so that itactually works for you, and this
is a routine that has thatflexibility built in, so it's
actually supportive. It's notrigid, it's supportive. So
(09:26):
there's a little give, there's alittle snug hold, wiggle,
whatever. I don't know, I can'tthink of the words Anyway, like
I said, it's, it's been a lotrecently, so all that's in the
show notes. I hope that you'llcheck it out and now, without
further ado, let's get started.
(09:56):
I know a lot of people talkabout structuring your. Day,
there are tons of books, tons ofbooks about setting yourself up
for success with a particularmorning routine, or structuring
your day in a particular wayrhymes. So that's there's like,
(10:20):
a lot of information out there,I'm not a subscriber to any
particular way to set yourselfup like I don't say you need to
get up in the morning if you'renot into mornings, and that
would throw you way off yournormal habits and routines that
(10:40):
you already have in place doingthat can actually set you up for
failure. And I don't say thatbecause, like, you can't do that
or it isn't helpful. I think itcan be there are certain things
that are absolutely can bereally awesome for the way you
structure your brain and all ofthat. But when you have factors
(11:03):
in your life that tend to throwyou curveballs a lot children,
it can be a little bit tricky.
And I've gotten this from a lotof clients who have been like, I
tried to get up early because Ithought this would be helpful.
Like, I think best in themorning, so I'm going to get up
early, and then my kid got upearly every time I try and start
this new thing. Somethinghappens. Kids home sick, day off
(11:26):
of school, whatever it is,things happen. And I think
that's important to recognizethat life happens. What is it? I
think it was John Lennon whosaid life, so what happens when
you're making other plans? Nowdoes that mean that you should
not make plans? No, it does notmean that. It means that it is
(11:47):
important to have a system forbeing flexible built into your
plans. And a lot of times peopletalk about a plan if you've ever
looked at anything plan related,and what we can dive in a little
bit to these pieces. But there'sthe goal, which is the the big
thing that you want toaccomplish at the end doing,
(12:10):
maybe it's like losing 10pounds, right? That's the goal.
The goal is to lose 10 pounds,and then you're going to have
your strategy. So your yourstrategy is to exercise. That's
going to be the strategy.
Overall strategy is to exercise.
And then you have your tactics,which are like your habits, your
daily habits. So I'm going to gofor a mile walk every day, or
(12:32):
every other day, or whatever itis. So you set up that habit.
Now, the fourth component that Idon't hear talked about often
enough, because it is the corecomponent. It is something
that's so helpful, especiallywhen you have things that happen
in life. And maybe it's notchildren, maybe it's a pet,
(12:55):
maybe it is a job that is alittle bit unpredictable.
Whatever tends to happen in yourlife that you maybe didn't
expect or get gets you pulledaway from what you want to
accomplish. Being able to haveflexibility within that
structure is really important,so that you don't get derailed
(13:19):
from that structure. The otherpart of it is that you're not
creating something that is toofar away from what your current
norms are. This is the otherthing that happens a lot, is
that people say, Okay, I want toaccomplish this thing, but they
create a structure setthemselves up with habits that
(13:41):
are so far away from what theynormally do that they set
themselves up for failureinstead of success, because it
push it stretches them too farout of their comfort zone, out
of their norms, out of theircurrent routines. Because we all
have current routines, thingsthat we do that maybe we don't
(14:01):
think about why we do them, orthey just are easy now, because
that's just what we do. So sayyou're not a morning person, and
I tend to be like around when weput ourselves into boxes like
morning person, night person,but perhaps you're someone who
tends to prefer to sleep in inyour current time. Maybe that'll
(14:26):
change, but right now, you aremore of a someone who stays up
late and wakes up late. Perhapsthat is you then saying that
you're going to get up early toexercise, and you aren't
exercising at all. Now that'sgoing to be a lot harder for you
to make that shift, becauseyou're adding two components,
(14:49):
two or more components, into thechanges that you're going to
make. So instead of going up onestep, you're going up two. To
three steps, which can be muchmore challenging, and when it is
harder to do, it makes it mucheasier for any stressors, any
changes, any surprises thathappen in life to knock you off.
(15:13):
Doing that when it comes tocreating a plan, knowing what
you want is going to be the veryfirst thing. So when you when I
and when I say what you want,I'm talking about how do you
want to feel. So the threequestions that I always ask
people when we get started, wewant to get a grounding, and
(15:35):
these questions, the answers tothese questions may change, but
it's, how do you want to feel?
How do you want to experiencelife? So that's the inner part.
How do you want to feel on theinside and experience life? How
do you want to show up? Sothat's the way you act in the
(15:56):
way you engage life, and whatimpact do you want to make that
is, how do you want to bereceived? Like, what's the
ripple effect of that? And theyall play together. They're all
related. But when you canidentify those three questions
and really answer thosequestions, that sets a
groundwork, like thefoundational parts for creating
(16:19):
a plan and creating an idealday.
So when you are creating a plan,you might look at that goal that
you want and how you'll feelwhen you achieve that goal, and
that can help you identify howdo you want to experience life?
Because usually we want thingsbecause of the way we think
(16:41):
we'll feel when we have them,the way we think we'll
experience life when we havethem. The thing is that when we
think that we are only going toexperience life once that thing
happens, it moves our poweroutside of ourselves, because
you can't control outside ofyou. You can only control
yourself. So as soon as it'slike, well, I can't feel that
(17:03):
way, until this happens, thenyou can't feel that way, because
you're always going to bechasing because that feeling is
outside of you. So you want tobe able to bring it inward. What
would I do if I felt that way,if I already felt that way, and
you may not already feel thatway, and that's okay, but if I
(17:25):
did right, if I already feltthat way, what would I do? And
this is actually how I recommendsetting up those, those plans,
those strategies, overall, soyour your goal, because you may
find that when you get thatgoal, it didn't actually create
(17:46):
the feeling you wanted, right?
It's that idea of chasinghappiness, like, oh, once she
realized that her happiness wasinside of herself, then, because
maybe you get that thing, but ifthat thing was thought to hold
your happiness, it actuallydoesn't, because it's inside, so
you're always going to bechasing it. So knowing that how
you want to feel, then you cancreate the habits and the plan
(18:08):
to be aligned with the feelingyou want to have, which makes it
easier to follow through on thethings you say you want to do.
So So going back to that idea oflosing 10 pounds, right? And it
could be making $10,000 iwhatever goal you want to put in
(18:29):
there. And actually, if you havea goal that you are wanting to
achieve, that you have in mind,that you're actively working
towards, I would love to hearit. So drop me a message and let
me know what that is. Is, Ialways love hearing what people
are striving for, because that'sexciting. And so it's not to say
(18:49):
don't have something that youdon't have yet, like, just be
happy where you are. Just findcontentment here. No, it's about
taking action that's inalignment with the feeling you
want to have. And that's like,you know, if you imagine a
donkey with a carrot dangling infront of it, if the carrot is
(19:11):
always dangling in front of it,and it never gets that carrot,
it's going to eventually die ofstarvation. So if you can find
ways to munch the carrot whileyou walk along like while you
also have a carrot in front ofyou. So you have that motivation
to take action, because it's aninner motivation, instead of an
external motivation, solelyright that this, this thing that
(19:35):
you want to have, you'recreating an alignment with it.
So you're gonna you want to losethe 10 pounds. Why do you want
to lose the 10 pounds? Well, Iwant to feel strong and
confident in my body. Okay,cool. Maybe you want to make the
$10,000 so that you can feelsecure and able to do what you
are passionate about. So youwant to feel secure and
(19:57):
passionate. Okay? Okay, so whatwould you do? What actions would
you take if you already feltthat way? So this is how you
build an alignment with thosethings. So if you and I've seen
this before with clients, wherethey built something where
they're like, Oh, I'm gonna gojogging every other day till I
lose 10 pounds. Well, if youdon't like to jog, and it
(20:21):
emphasizes how you don't feelstrong because you're always out
of breath and you feel downabout yourself when you're done
jogging, then that's not goingto be something you're going to
sustain. You're not going tokeep doing it. But if you're
like, Oh, well, I want to feelstrong and confident my body.
(20:41):
And if I felt strong andconfident in my body, I would do
stretching and then work withsomebody to find exercises that
build my capacity. So maybeinstead of jogging, I'm going to
walk for a mile, or I'm going togo swim, because I love being in
the water, and I'm going tobuild up some of that strength.
(21:04):
I'm going to start connecting tomy body. I'm going to say
affirmations in the mirror everyday to encourage myself, instead
of like beating yourself andwhipping yourself to do the
thing to get where you think youwill feel strong and confident
in your body. No, build thestrong and confident in the now.
Every stepping stone that movesyou closer to that thing that
(21:27):
you want, if it's built inalignment, then you're more
likely to get there. You're morelikely to keep going. It's more
likely to be sustainable, okay?
And when something happens likea curve ball. So say you've
decided to go walk every day forhalf an hour, and it's pouring
(21:53):
so you can't go walk. Instead ofgoing up, I can't walk. You're
like, No, I love this body. Ifeel strong and confident. So
I'm going to do a yoga videolike or I'm going to, I'm going
to give it some really tastyfood and give it a pat on the
back for the amount of work it'salready done for me, or
whatever. You're going to stillcontinue that connection,
(22:16):
continue that work, becauseyou're, you're checking in with
the actual goal, the thing thatyou actually want. So how does
this pertain to creating yourideal day?
I don't subscribe to those hard,structured days, as I mentioned,
(22:36):
like the the this is the miracleway of doing things, so that you
are set up for success. What Isay is to start with how you
want to experience your life.
How do you want to experienceyour day, and what helps you do
that? What are those core thingsthat help you show up that way.
(22:58):
So maybe it is I want to becentered. We can't be calm all
the time. That's unrealistic,but maybe I want to be calm
overall. I want to be calm, socalm and centered, present.
Like, what would that do for me?
Well, I'd be present. I would befocused. Okay, so what helps me
(23:23):
be most focused? Well, if I getup first thing in the morning
and meditate, that's awesome. Ilove getting up and meditating
and going for a walk. So thatwas my routine for a while
before covid hit. Is like, getup, I would walk with my kids to
the train, and I would sit bythe lake and meditate. That's
been a lot harder since covid.
Actually, I was gave thisanalogy the other day, like, I
(23:46):
kind of feel like when covidhit, it was like this tornado
came and picked up all of mylife papers and threw them in
the air and swirled them around.
And I was kind of living like Iwas grabbing at the papers and,
you know, putting out fires allthe time. It was just like,
what's in front of me? Do thenext thing. Do the next thing.
And in a lot of ways, you know,that's survival mode that can be
(24:09):
helpful, like we need to gothrough that when a crisis
happens, when a trauma occurs,that's a normal response. What I
realized is that we've actuallysettled like we have some
routines, but they weren'tconsciously chosen routines in a
lot of ways. They were justautomatic, like, based on
putting out the fires, and I'mstill acting like I'm putting
(24:32):
out fires all the time. Soinstead of going, Oh, the papers
have actually settled on theground and maybe a breeze moves
them around a little bit, I'mstill acting like they're all
over the place and I'm justgrabbing here and there instead
of going, Okay, let's gather thepapers up and take a look at
them and decide what ones I wantto let go of, and what ones I
might want to add, and whatpapers I actually have here
(24:53):
right now and all of that, beingable to take a moment to go, how
do I want to. Experience my day.
Well, I want to be calm andcentered. This is what I did
previously, and it it workedwell. I liked it. It brought me
to my center and started my dayoff nicely. Well, maybe that
doesn't work as well anymore,but I could get up in the
(25:14):
morning and take a deep breathbefore I pick up my phone or
look at, you know, like getwoken up by the kids, or just
jump up and start cookingbreakfast or whatever it is,
pause. I wake up in the morning,and I pause, and I take a deep
breath. I feel my feet on thefloor. And maybe it's not a 15
(25:35):
minute meditation. Maybe it'sjust a getting present, getting
in my body, being here. Andinstead of getting exercise the
way I was used to, because thetime structure for that doesn't
work as well, I stretch and Ijust get, you know, like it's
(25:56):
part of getting in my body,getting present, being here in
the now, and that's where Istart. And maybe the next thing
is I want to be centered andfocused while it's identifying
the things that I want toaccomplish in that day. Maybe
it's just one primary thing,because my time is switched. I
don't have enough focused time.
(26:19):
And there I said the thing, Idon't have enough. It feels like
that a lot, but this is whereyou get to define enough. Well,
what is enough? I don't have asmuch as I would. Like my kids
need more attention than I amused to having to give them. I
would much prefer them to be inschool, and that's okay. I have
(26:40):
emotions about that I'm not likeI'm not loving that I'm I've
never been someone who wanted tobe a stay at home mom. I really
like my kids being able to gooff to other people who I know
and trust to take care of themand support them in their
growth. But that's not an optionright now, so I may need to take
(27:00):
some time to grieve. That Idefinitely have taken a lot of
time to grieve, that I hope thatyou're taking time to grieve the
things and reminder that griefis not linear, so it can pop up
here and there in interestingways. So being aware of that and
able to give space to that,because that's another piece of
(27:21):
being flexible. Sometimes we gettriggered by something,
something happens that triggersemotional response in us, and
rather than going Nope, can'tfeel that. Don't have time for
it, if you've baked in someflexibility into your schedule,
you can give yourself space forthat, because by structuring
your day in a way where you haveclarity over what you want, not
(27:45):
just in the activities, but inthe being and the experiencing
of then, anytime something comesup, you can assess accordingly
and go, How does this fit inthis? How does this relate to
what I said I wanted, maybe it'stoo disruptive. And and you say
(28:07):
that's going to need to be adifferent day. I'm going to say
no to that, because it does notfit in the space. It's going to
pull me out of what I want myday to be like. Or maybe it's
something that okay, it's it'sstrong enough value, like with
my kids, my value of family isreally high. Maybe I say yes to
(28:29):
that. And notice I didn't say,but I said, and I almost said,
but yes, and I'm going to givemyself a little extra space for
this, or I'm going to move thisthing so that I know that it's
not off the table. I didn't justignore the thing for me or the
thing for something else that'simportant to me, another value
(28:52):
that I have. I didn't just go,Well, that doesn't matter. I
said I'm going to specificallysay this is going to happen.
It's not gone. It's still here.
And because I replaced it intoday with this other thing for
my kids, I'm going to make sureit happens here, and I'm going
to plan accordingly so that itit for sure does happen. So
(29:15):
maybe it's talking to somebodyelse, or planning to have my
kids watch TV so that I havethat time. I don't love putting
them on screens, but that'swhere we're at, right? They're
getting a lot more screen time.
That way you're strategicallyorganizing based on the way you
(29:35):
want to experience your day. Thereason it helps to have some
specific habits that areassociated with what you create
your day with. So the idea ofhaving certain things you do in
the morning to set up your dayfor success is because our
(29:59):
brains like Pat. Patterns, andthe more you're using your
frontal cortex, the more energyyou're using. So especially if
you're already stressed, if youalready have a lot of things
that you're thinking about, youare going to burn more energy.
Your brain is burning moreenergy. So anything that it can
send into the more efficientparts of the brain, it will and
(30:21):
it wants to do that, and youactually help it by doing that,
by saying, Okay, I'm going toset up a routine. Now, when you
first start a routine, when youfirst set up something new, it
will take more energy. It isgoing to take more thought,
because it's not in your brainsautopilot yet. It's not its norm
(30:42):
yet, so it's going to take moreattention. So anything that you
can simplify to make it easierfor you to follow through on
those things, the better if youknow you have more brain space.
Maybe your kids go to bed andyou have a little bit more brain
space, but you want to be ableto do things in the morning,
setting aside an outfit to wearfor the next day can help,
(31:05):
because then that's one thingthat your brain doesn't have to
do in the morning when you wantit for other things, you've
already set aside that outfit.
You've already made that plan.
So this is where, like planningthe night before can be helpful,
because then you don't have tothink in the morning. But if you
prefer to do that kind ofthinking in the morning and
(31:29):
other kinds of thinking in theevening, then you might find it
more beneficial to do it in themorning. So this is where it
really just depends on you andthe way you want to experience
your day and what supports youin experiencing your day that
way. I love the rhymes, so takea minute and look at those
(31:52):
things. Look at like, what arethe words that you would use to
describe the way you want toexperience life the way you want
to experience your day. Andwrite those words down. Maybe
they tidy values that you have.
So maybe write those valuesdown. One exercise that I love,
that that I learned, is to writeout five values, write out five
(32:14):
things that you spend the mosttime on during your day and
connect the dots and see whereyou're spending your energy. It
Are you spending your energy onthings that honor values, like
clearly honor values, or do youhave to kind of do some jumping
rope to find how they connect?
(32:36):
Because if you are not honoringyour top values, maybe you're
honoring one and all the othersare to the side. You're draining
energy because you're notbecause part of you is is
feeling left out, is feelingneglected. And if you are
spending time on things thatdon't attach to values, that
(32:58):
don't connect to values,clearly, then perhaps looking at
what you could let go of, andmaybe it's not something that
you feel like you could let goof. It's probably tied to a
value, and you didn't realizeit, because rarely do we do
anything that's not tied tovalues, but might be a fear
based value and not a consciousvalue, which can also drain your
energy.
(33:20):
So taking doing that littleexercise can be really eye
opening to see where's yourenergy going, because time is
energy, how much time you have,and how really relates to how
much energy you have, how muchtime you have relates to how
(33:42):
much energy you have. If youhave been emotionally triggered,
that's going to take moreenergy, so you're going to have
less time. That's just how itis. So knowing that you can make
plans accordingly, becausesometimes you don't know when
(34:02):
you're going to be emotionallytriggered. You can't plan that.
That's that's one of those lifethings that happens. So being
able to know, I want to begraceful in my experience of
life, I want to be loving in myexperience of life. Well, that
may mean giving yourself thatspace for caring for yourself
(34:25):
when you've had that emotionaltrigger for sitting down and
having an importantconversation, to harnessing a
teaching moment with a kidinstead of going, Ah, you're
wasting my time. You're takingup time. You're you know, like
that's probably not how you wantto show up. So being able to
check in and then go, Okay,here's where I'm moving. The
(34:49):
other thing and giving yourselfspace for that. So that brings
us to the other idea of you mayfind that an ideal day. Isn't as
helpful as having an ideal week.
These are the core things that Ilike to have in my week. And
those may be doings in yourweek, and then your day is what
supports who you're being.
(35:13):
Because, you know, we're humanbeings, not human doings. So
being able to say, okay, whatare those most important things?
What helps me show up and whatdo I want to try? Maybe you try
something and it doesn't work sowell. You can do something
different. But if you know thegoal, if you know the feeling
(35:34):
that you want to accomplish, andthe way you want to show up, the
way you want to experience lifeand the impact that you want to
have, you can check in and go,How well is this experiment
working? What would help it workbetter? What could I do
differently that would supportthis experiment so you can be
curious instead of judgy? Ialways was talking earlier about
(35:57):
like, that idea of how, how do Ido it? Ah, that becomes
overwhelming, whereas a whatquestion, especially if you have
a clearly defined experiment, ismuch more easy to carry out.
Now, is it, I say easy? It's notnecessarily easy, but it's it's
clearer to carry out. And whenit's clear, it's easier, because
(36:19):
if it's not clear, we usuallywon't take action on it, because
the vagueness of it makes itreally hard to hold on to. And
this has come up in a couple ofthe coaching shows, in a couple
of the coaching sessions thatI've done recently on the
podcast. So take a look at that.
Another exercise that I findhelpful is the what's in my cup.
(36:40):
So if you think about all of thethings that you have on your
plate right now, all the thingsthat are going on in your mind,
even not just that you'reactively doing, but that you're
thinking about, list them allout. So maybe it's something
that you're not getting to, butyou really wanted to, I really
wanted to paint my nails. Ihaven't done it yet, and every
(37:04):
time I look at my hands, Ithink, dang it, what am I going
to get to paint my nails? Idon't know that's I'm going with
the something simple, but itcould be big. It could be this
project that you have or a bookthat you wanted to read, but
whatever it is that's on yourmind, or maybe it's things that
you're doing, so thehomeschooling stuff, or doing
(37:25):
some filing, or whatever, any ofthose things, you just write it
all out. Write a whole list ofall of those things, and then in
the next column, go through andsay how much energy you spending
on it, not the amount of timeyou're spending, but the amount
of energy that you are spending.
(37:46):
Because remember, when you arespending energy, you are also
spending time. So if you'respending energy thinking about
something else while you'reworking on something, that's
that lack of focus, and it'sgoing to take more time to do
the thing, because part of yourbrain is wishing it was doing
something else, or thinkingabout something else, or
processing an emotional charge,and you're trying to do
(38:09):
something so it would actuallybe much more loving. Not only,
not only efficient, I was thatto say efficient, but like, it's
not just efficient, it's lovingfor yourself, which also gives
you more energy when you aretaking care of yourself, then
you have more focus, which meansyou'll get things done faster.
(38:29):
Because the more focus you have,the faster you'll be able to do
something so again, it's back tothat experience of life, and
what supports that givingyourself space to process
emotions actually supports yourability to focus, because you
need to be able to process thatto be able to focus on the other
(38:51):
things that you want to do thatsecond column how much energy
spending on that third columnis, how much energy do you want
to be spending on that now, youmay find that there is something
that, going back to the thebook, will say, I want to read
(39:12):
this book I am spending on ascale of one to 10. I am
spending an eight amount ofenergy on this book, because I'm
constantly thinking about how Ineed to read it. I really want
to be spending a four and justread it. So it's not to say that
(39:33):
the amount of energy that you'respending is higher because you
want to do it. It's justenergetically, where are you?
And then the next column is,what would move you one step
closer to the shift that you'relooking for? So maybe you'll
(39:55):
find things that like actually,the energy I'm spending here is,
is what. I would like to bespending but there's some I
would like to be doing itdifferently. So write that down.
What's one thing you could bedoing that's different? So and
then we'll do the book. What ifthe book is, I'm spending a five
amount of energy on it, and Iwant to be spending a five on
(40:17):
it, but it's, it's actuallyshowing up. Like, I'm not
actually doing the reading ofit. I'm just thinking about it.
So I don't want to shift thatenergy from a five. What would
it look like if I spent theenergy? Like, where? Where else
(40:39):
am I taking energy from like,look at the whole list. I want
to reduce energy here. So whatif I took that reduction and
moved it here, so that instead Iwant to spend less time on my
phone? What if I put the book inthe bathroom, so instead of
being on my phone in thebathroom, I'm reading some of
that book, or maybe I don'tbring my phone into the
(41:02):
bathroom, and then I take thattime to grab the book and bring
it back into the bathroom toread, because it's the only
place people leave me alone. Idon't know hashtag mom life,
right? So anyway, just this iswhere, when you actually have a
list, and you have an accountingof, like, Where, where are
(41:24):
things at? Like, what's going onhere, then you can consciously
adjust the amounts. Think of itas like, you know you're you're
cooking your cauldron, andyou're adjusting the amounts
that you're putting in, becausethe the potion does not is not
bubbling the way it's supposedto. We went witchy instead of
sciencey.
(41:46):
So I hope that that is helpfulto you as you start to
restructure your time a lot ofthe ways that we've done things,
it will be very easy as we shiftout of where we've been to go
back into what we had done, oreven hold on to things that
(42:07):
aren't serving us anymore. LikeI said, I personally have felt
like I'm still acting like allmy papers are in the air, and
realizing that actually I know Ineed to pause and acknowledge
where they actually are and pickthem up and give myself some
space to assess them. So I thinkthat the most important thing
from this is recognizing thatyou deserve this space to make
(42:31):
decisions. It's really hard tomake conscious decisions when
you are doing a million things,when you're in the doings,
instead of allowing yourself toreconnect with who you're being
and what it would take to be theperson that you want to be, and
recognize that some of thosethings are things that you don't
(42:53):
need to do anymore, they becomehabits. They're habits of
doings, not doings that actuallymatter to you that actually
support what you want, and thosemay be things that used to be
supportive and no longer serveyou. That happens a lot there.
We change, we grow. Lifechanges. Life. Life happens, and
(43:17):
what served us, maybe before wehad kids isn't going to be as
supportive once we've had kids,the stuff that was supportive
pre covid may not have served usduring the stay at home time,
and may not be the things thatserve us when we go back to
being outside and around peopleagain, We may choose to do
(43:41):
things differently. So takingsome time now to look at what's
going on for you and what youwant to create is a great time
to look at that ideal day, butnot in a let me regiment my day,
which often sets us up forfailure. But what supports me in
(44:05):
my day, what is a design thatwill actually feed me being the
person that I want to be, andjourneying through life the way
I want to journey through life,and doing the things and
focusing on the the activitiesthat are most important to me,
that have the impact, that makethe impact that I want to make,
(44:29):
and a lot of times that startswith giving yourself a little
bit more space and a little bitmore grace. Thank you so much
for listening. I hope that thishas been helpful to you. If
you've had any insights,anything that's jumped out at
you, something that you're goingto try, or something that you're
already doing, that helps youcreate the day that you want to
(44:52):
have, that helps you be theperson that you want to be. Drop
me a note and let me know whatthat is I love. Love to hear
from you. Absolutely love it. Ifthere's something that you would
like me to talk about, that Ididn't cover, or that you would
like to hear me go further into,or whatever, let me know that
you you are welcome to drop me acomment, direct message me. I
(45:17):
again. I love your feedback. Ilove to hear from you. I love to
offer what is supportive to youif you are looking for direct
support, because this is what Ihelp people with, in checking in
and getting clear and going pastthe places that our brain is
used to looking. Because again,we tend to see what we are used
(45:37):
to seeing. It's hard to findother options. Sometimes when we
haven't had those available, wehaven't done that before. We
haven't connected those dots.
That's one of the gifts that Ihave, is being able to hear you
and connect dots that maybe youweren't seeing as connected, so
that you can then take actionthat helps you move forward in a
(45:59):
more loving and efficient andeffective way towards the life
that you want to have, being theperson that you want to be
experiencing life the way youwant to experience it. That's
what I love to do, because youare here for a reason. You are
doing something in the world.
You want to change. You want togrow. You want to help the
(46:23):
world. I want to help you dothat. So please reach out if
that is something you arelooking for. I'm here for
Unknown (46:30):
you, and I will see you all next time. Bye. Thanks
Valerie Friedlander (46:34):
for listening. I so appreciate you
being here. If you got somethingout of today's episode, please
share it, leave me a review,take a screenshot and post it on
social with a shout out to me,send it to a friend, or, you
know, all of the above. Want tohang out more, join me on
Instagram, or better yet, get onmy mailing list to make sure you
don't miss out on anything, andremember your possibilities are
(46:57):
as unlimited as you are. Allowyourself to shine, my friend,
the world needs your light. Seeyou next time you.
Hello, my friends and welcome to a replay
(00:02):
episode of Mindset, unlimited.
Mindset tips, tools andinspiration for women in a time
of change. I'm your host.
Valerie Friedlander, ICFcertified coach, sociologist,
intersectional feminist, truthseeker, artist, mom and nerd.
Today we are talking aboutflexible routines for real life.
(00:24):
This is to help you shift yourschedule from a space of
overwhelm to alignment. And Iwanted to talk about this now
because it's come up for avariety of reasons. Before I do
share a little bit about whatthat is, I want to highlight
that this is a replay of myseason one episode creating your
(00:47):
ideal day your way, which I alsoreplayed in season three, two
years ago, as how to create aschedule that works for you. I'm
bringing this back again for acouple reasons, one, that's very
personal, and the other, becauseI think this is a really, really
(01:08):
tough time right now. There is alot going on, and so it feels a
little bit weird to talk aboutschedules, and we are creatures
of habit, so we need supportsfor ourselves as we navigate
uncertainty, as we navigate avery upsetting political dynamic
(01:29):
and world dynamic. There's somany things happening right now.
It's overwhelming, it'semotionally exhausting, and it's
very easy for our stressresponse to take over and us to
fall into our usual way of doingthings, when things are really
just not usual, and they need tobe treated as not usual. But
what does that mean? And how doI do that, and how do I still
(01:52):
function in the world at thesame time? So that's a big
reason why this came up. I'llshare a little bit about the
personal reason. One being, andthere are a couple actually
personal reasons. One is, myyounger son is trying to find a
schedule that works for him nowthat camp is done and school
(02:15):
hasn't started yet, and he'strying to be more mindful about
his screen time. We've talked alot about it, and he started
noticing, I think, the maturitylevel upped a little bit. You
know, those times, for those ofyou who are parents, you can
kind of tell where it's like,oh, we hit this maturity level,
and there's a more selfawareness here, or whatever. So
he started noticing that therewas a difference for him, when
(02:39):
he was on the screen more often.
So he was trying to put himselfschedule together. He has ADHD
we've been working on this andreally trying to allow him space
to figure things out. And wewere talking a lot about, hey,
so you tried something, itdidn't work the way that you
thought it would. So now weadjust. And we were talking
about these sorts of things, andit reminded me of this episode.
(03:01):
So that's one another. One isthat, well, I wasn't planning on
doing a replay episode, butfrankly, there's just a lot
going on emotionally in my life,as well as logistically. We're
about to start school. My olderson's going to high school.
There are all these paperthings. You know how when the
(03:22):
kids go to school, thensuddenly, like you get all the
homework, at least as they getstarted. So navigating all of
that. We were working on somestuff with the house, and we
have old house, Chicago bungalowhouse, and you start a project,
and you think, you know, andthen it's gonna take at least
twice as long as you thought itwas. Thought it was simple, not
(03:45):
so simple, that sort of thingyou know, plaster walls, for
those of you who know so. Sothere's that. And then I also
recently got some news aboutsome illness in my close family.
So that's been taking anattention but also emotional
toll, and it's one I'm happy topay, not because I'm happy about
(04:09):
the diagnosis, but because it'simportant to me to make room for
my family and these things thatneed my care and also need my
own nurturing as I navigatethat. So with all of these
things going on against thebackdrop of authoritarianism and
death of democracy, and all ofthose other awful things
(04:33):
happening in the world, in thiscountry, etc, etc, it's just,
it's just a lot. So I wastrying, was hustling, was
pushing, to try and get a newepisode out. And I went, Wait a
second, Valerie, why don't youlisten to yourself, take a page
out of your own book and pauseand see what you really need.
(04:56):
And then I thought about thisepisode. I'm like, Well, maybe
it's. Somebody else needs thistoo, because I sure did so in a
society that is always pushingus to go faster and do more and
take on more, and you can do itand push and push and push. I
want to invite you to slow down,and I want to invite you to
(05:17):
pause and check in and find anadjustment that actually meets
you and honors you where you areand what you need. There is no
one size fits all routine.
There's not even a one size fitsyou all the time routine and the
(05:39):
how successful people starttheir day. Advice is built on a
false idea that we all have thesame 24 hours a day and can get
the same amount of done if wejust do it right. And as I have
said before, and I will continuesaying that is a load of crap.
It is not true. Energy and timeare all tied together. All of
our resources are tied together,and I'm not interested in
(06:03):
dehumanizing myself or you. Ourworth is more than our
productivity, and it's importantthat we honor who we are and not
push ourselves into unrealisticexpectations, even if, when we
set them, we didn't realize theywere unrealistic. We gotta meet
ourselves where we're at. And soI'm inviting you to step outside
(06:27):
of this pattern, if you have itlike I have, of beating yourself
up for not working out the waythat you wanted. We're not
puncturing our own tires. We'regonna slow down. We're not gonna
should all over ourselves. We'renot going to should on ourselves
for shitting on ourselves. Wewant to step into our own power,
(06:50):
and that means, again, checkingin, pulling in, and finding what
fits. So this episode is allabout helping you find what
fits, so that no matter whatlife throws at you, you have
systems in place support systemsin place to help you show up as
(07:11):
the version of yourself that youwant to be, and that's going to
look different every day. Andit's not only based off of you,
it's also based off of yoursystems, our systems, and so
knowing that those things havean impact and making room for
it. So some of what you'll hearin this episode includes how to
(07:33):
bake flexibility into yourplans, determining routines that
support you, meeting yourselfwhere you're at, and creating
new habits, understanding therelationship between time and
energy, and exercises to assistyou when you're trying to figure
out where you're spending yourenergy. So that was a lot, but I
(07:57):
really I like to give you a newintro when I do a replay, so
that you're getting something alittle bit fresh and new. And if
you don't need this, the rest ofthis, because you're like, I
already listened to this, andI've totally assimilated it, and
it's all good, cool. Thanks forstopping by. But if you do, I
hope you'll continue listening.
And if you're like, No, I needmore. I need more. I am getting
(08:20):
ready to kick off my reclaimyour routine program again for
this fall. I have not set thedates or anything like that yet,
but that will be coming. And sothere is a link in the show
notes to a sign up where you cansign up for the wait list, for
(08:42):
interest, so that once I haveall the details together, you'll
get it and of course, if you'relistening to this a little bit
later, all the details will bethere too. So keep your eye on
that sign up if you'reinterested. So and it's no
obligation if you sign up withinterest, it's just that you'll
get a notification from me forsure that, hey, here's all the
(09:03):
details. So if you know you wantthat, go check it out. It is a
live three part workshop that wework together to build the
foundation of your routine,create your routine and
troubleshoot it so that itactually works for you, and this
is a routine that has thatflexibility built in, so it's
actually supportive. It's notrigid, it's supportive. So
(09:26):
there's a little give, there's alittle snug hold, wiggle,
whatever. I don't know, I can'tthink of the words Anyway, like
I said, it's, it's been a lotrecently, so all that's in the
show notes. I hope that you'llcheck it out and now, without
further ado, let's get started.
(09:56):
I know a lot of people talkabout structuring your. Day,
there are tons of books, tons ofbooks about setting yourself up
for success with a particularmorning routine, or structuring
your day in a particular wayrhymes. So that's there's like,
(10:20):
a lot of information out there,I'm not a subscriber to any
particular way to set yourselfup like I don't say you need to
get up in the morning if you'renot into mornings, and that
would throw you way off yournormal habits and routines that
(10:40):
you already have in place doingthat can actually set you up for
failure. And I don't say thatbecause, like, you can't do that
or it isn't helpful. I think itcan be there are certain things
that are absolutely can bereally awesome for the way you
structure your brain and all ofthat. But when you have factors
(11:03):
in your life that tend to throwyou curveballs a lot children,
it can be a little bit tricky.
And I've gotten this from a lotof clients who have been like, I
tried to get up early because Ithought this would be helpful.
Like, I think best in themorning, so I'm going to get up
early, and then my kid got upearly every time I try and start
this new thing. Somethinghappens. Kids home sick, day off
(11:26):
of school, whatever it is,things happen. And I think
that's important to recognizethat life happens. What is it? I
think it was John Lennon whosaid life, so what happens when
you're making other plans? Nowdoes that mean that you should
not make plans? No, it does notmean that. It means that it is
(11:47):
important to have a system forbeing flexible built into your
plans. And a lot of times peopletalk about a plan if you've ever
looked at anything plan related,and what we can dive in a little
bit to these pieces. But there'sthe goal, which is the the big
thing that you want toaccomplish at the end doing,
(12:10):
maybe it's like losing 10pounds, right? That's the goal.
The goal is to lose 10 pounds,and then you're going to have
your strategy. So your yourstrategy is to exercise. That's
going to be the strategy.
Overall strategy is to exercise.
And then you have your tactics,which are like your habits, your
daily habits. So I'm going to gofor a mile walk every day, or
(12:32):
every other day, or whatever itis. So you set up that habit.
Now, the fourth component that Idon't hear talked about often
enough, because it is the corecomponent. It is something
that's so helpful, especiallywhen you have things that happen
in life. And maybe it's notchildren, maybe it's a pet,
(12:55):
maybe it is a job that is alittle bit unpredictable.
Whatever tends to happen in yourlife that you maybe didn't
expect or get gets you pulledaway from what you want to
accomplish. Being able to haveflexibility within that
structure is really important,so that you don't get derailed
(13:19):
from that structure. The otherpart of it is that you're not
creating something that is toofar away from what your current
norms are. This is the otherthing that happens a lot, is
that people say, Okay, I want toaccomplish this thing, but they
create a structure setthemselves up with habits that
(13:41):
are so far away from what theynormally do that they set
themselves up for failureinstead of success, because it
push it stretches them too farout of their comfort zone, out
of their norms, out of theircurrent routines. Because we all
have current routines, thingsthat we do that maybe we don't
(14:01):
think about why we do them, orthey just are easy now, because
that's just what we do. So sayyou're not a morning person, and
I tend to be like around when weput ourselves into boxes like
morning person, night person,but perhaps you're someone who
tends to prefer to sleep in inyour current time. Maybe that'll
(14:26):
change, but right now, you aremore of a someone who stays up
late and wakes up late. Perhapsthat is you then saying that
you're going to get up early toexercise, and you aren't
exercising at all. Now that'sgoing to be a lot harder for you
to make that shift, becauseyou're adding two components,
(14:49):
two or more components, into thechanges that you're going to
make. So instead of going up onestep, you're going up two. To
three steps, which can be muchmore challenging, and when it is
harder to do, it makes it mucheasier for any stressors, any
changes, any surprises thathappen in life to knock you off.
(15:13):
Doing that when it comes tocreating a plan, knowing what
you want is going to be the veryfirst thing. So when you when I
and when I say what you want,I'm talking about how do you
want to feel. So the threequestions that I always ask
people when we get started, wewant to get a grounding, and
(15:35):
these questions, the answers tothese questions may change, but
it's, how do you want to feel?
How do you want to experiencelife? So that's the inner part.
How do you want to feel on theinside and experience life? How
do you want to show up? Sothat's the way you act in the
(15:56):
way you engage life, and whatimpact do you want to make that
is, how do you want to bereceived? Like, what's the
ripple effect of that? And theyall play together. They're all
related. But when you canidentify those three questions
and really answer thosequestions, that sets a
groundwork, like thefoundational parts for creating
(16:19):
a plan and creating an idealday.
So when you are creating a plan,you might look at that goal that
you want and how you'll feelwhen you achieve that goal, and
that can help you identify howdo you want to experience life?
Because usually we want thingsbecause of the way we think
(16:41):
we'll feel when we have them,the way we think we'll
experience life when we havethem. The thing is that when we
think that we are only going toexperience life once that thing
happens, it moves our poweroutside of ourselves, because
you can't control outside ofyou. You can only control
yourself. So as soon as it'slike, well, I can't feel that
(17:03):
way, until this happens, thenyou can't feel that way, because
you're always going to bechasing because that feeling is
outside of you. So you want tobe able to bring it inward. What
would I do if I felt that way,if I already felt that way, and
you may not already feel thatway, and that's okay, but if I
(17:25):
did right, if I already feltthat way, what would I do? And
this is actually how I recommendsetting up those, those plans,
those strategies, overall, soyour your goal, because you may
find that when you get thatgoal, it didn't actually create
(17:46):
the feeling you wanted, right?
It's that idea of chasinghappiness, like, oh, once she
realized that her happiness wasinside of herself, then, because
maybe you get that thing, but ifthat thing was thought to hold
your happiness, it actuallydoesn't, because it's inside, so
you're always going to bechasing it. So knowing that how
you want to feel, then you cancreate the habits and the plan
(18:08):
to be aligned with the feelingyou want to have, which makes it
easier to follow through on thethings you say you want to do.
So So going back to that idea oflosing 10 pounds, right? And it
could be making $10,000 iwhatever goal you want to put in
(18:29):
there. And actually, if you havea goal that you are wanting to
achieve, that you have in mind,that you're actively working
towards, I would love to hearit. So drop me a message and let
me know what that is. Is, Ialways love hearing what people
are striving for, because that'sexciting. And so it's not to say
(18:49):
don't have something that youdon't have yet, like, just be
happy where you are. Just findcontentment here. No, it's about
taking action that's inalignment with the feeling you
want to have. And that's like,you know, if you imagine a
donkey with a carrot dangling infront of it, if the carrot is
(19:11):
always dangling in front of it,and it never gets that carrot,
it's going to eventually die ofstarvation. So if you can find
ways to munch the carrot whileyou walk along like while you
also have a carrot in front ofyou. So you have that motivation
to take action, because it's aninner motivation, instead of an
external motivation, solelyright that this, this thing that
(19:35):
you want to have, you'recreating an alignment with it.
So you're gonna you want to losethe 10 pounds. Why do you want
to lose the 10 pounds? Well, Iwant to feel strong and
confident in my body. Okay,cool. Maybe you want to make the
$10,000 so that you can feelsecure and able to do what you
are passionate about. So youwant to feel secure and
(19:57):
passionate. Okay? Okay, so whatwould you do? What actions would
you take if you already feltthat way? So this is how you
build an alignment with thosethings. So if you and I've seen
this before with clients, wherethey built something where
they're like, Oh, I'm gonna gojogging every other day till I
lose 10 pounds. Well, if youdon't like to jog, and it
(20:21):
emphasizes how you don't feelstrong because you're always out
of breath and you feel downabout yourself when you're done
jogging, then that's not goingto be something you're going to
sustain. You're not going tokeep doing it. But if you're
like, Oh, well, I want to feelstrong and confident my body.
(20:41):
And if I felt strong andconfident in my body, I would do
stretching and then work withsomebody to find exercises that
build my capacity. So maybeinstead of jogging, I'm going to
walk for a mile, or I'm going togo swim, because I love being in
the water, and I'm going tobuild up some of that strength.
(21:04):
I'm going to start connecting tomy body. I'm going to say
affirmations in the mirror everyday to encourage myself, instead
of like beating yourself andwhipping yourself to do the
thing to get where you think youwill feel strong and confident
in your body. No, build thestrong and confident in the now.
Every stepping stone that movesyou closer to that thing that
(21:27):
you want, if it's built inalignment, then you're more
likely to get there. You're morelikely to keep going. It's more
likely to be sustainable, okay?
And when something happens likea curve ball. So say you've
decided to go walk every day forhalf an hour, and it's pouring
(21:53):
so you can't go walk. Instead ofgoing up, I can't walk. You're
like, No, I love this body. Ifeel strong and confident. So
I'm going to do a yoga videolike or I'm going to, I'm going
to give it some really tastyfood and give it a pat on the
back for the amount of work it'salready done for me, or
whatever. You're going to stillcontinue that connection,
(22:16):
continue that work, becauseyou're, you're checking in with
the actual goal, the thing thatyou actually want. So how does
this pertain to creating yourideal day?
I don't subscribe to those hard,structured days, as I mentioned,
(22:36):
like the the this is the miracleway of doing things, so that you
are set up for success. What Isay is to start with how you
want to experience your life.
How do you want to experienceyour day, and what helps you do
that? What are those core thingsthat help you show up that way.
(22:58):
So maybe it is I want to becentered. We can't be calm all
the time. That's unrealistic,but maybe I want to be calm
overall. I want to be calm, socalm and centered, present.
Like, what would that do for me?
Well, I'd be present. I would befocused. Okay, so what helps me
(23:23):
be most focused? Well, if I getup first thing in the morning
and meditate, that's awesome. Ilove getting up and meditating
and going for a walk. So thatwas my routine for a while
before covid hit. Is like, getup, I would walk with my kids to
the train, and I would sit bythe lake and meditate. That's
been a lot harder since covid.
Actually, I was gave thisanalogy the other day, like, I
(23:46):
kind of feel like when covidhit, it was like this tornado
came and picked up all of mylife papers and threw them in
the air and swirled them around.
And I was kind of living like Iwas grabbing at the papers and,
you know, putting out fires allthe time. It was just like,
what's in front of me? Do thenext thing. Do the next thing.
And in a lot of ways, you know,that's survival mode that can be
(24:09):
helpful, like we need to gothrough that when a crisis
happens, when a trauma occurs,that's a normal response. What I
realized is that we've actuallysettled like we have some
routines, but they weren'tconsciously chosen routines in a
lot of ways. They were justautomatic, like, based on
putting out the fires, and I'mstill acting like I'm putting
(24:32):
out fires all the time. Soinstead of going, Oh, the papers
have actually settled on theground and maybe a breeze moves
them around a little bit, I'mstill acting like they're all
over the place and I'm justgrabbing here and there instead
of going, Okay, let's gather thepapers up and take a look at
them and decide what ones I wantto let go of, and what ones I
might want to add, and whatpapers I actually have here
(24:53):
right now and all of that, beingable to take a moment to go, how
do I want to. Experience my day.
Well, I want to be calm andcentered. This is what I did
previously, and it it workedwell. I liked it. It brought me
to my center and started my dayoff nicely. Well, maybe that
doesn't work as well anymore,but I could get up in the
(25:14):
morning and take a deep breathbefore I pick up my phone or
look at, you know, like getwoken up by the kids, or just
jump up and start cookingbreakfast or whatever it is,
pause. I wake up in the morning,and I pause, and I take a deep
breath. I feel my feet on thefloor. And maybe it's not a 15
(25:35):
minute meditation. Maybe it'sjust a getting present, getting
in my body, being here. Andinstead of getting exercise the
way I was used to, because thetime structure for that doesn't
work as well, I stretch and Ijust get, you know, like it's
(25:56):
part of getting in my body,getting present, being here in
the now, and that's where Istart. And maybe the next thing
is I want to be centered andfocused while it's identifying
the things that I want toaccomplish in that day. Maybe
it's just one primary thing,because my time is switched. I
don't have enough focused time.
(26:19):
And there I said the thing, Idon't have enough. It feels like
that a lot, but this is whereyou get to define enough. Well,
what is enough? I don't have asmuch as I would. Like my kids
need more attention than I amused to having to give them. I
would much prefer them to be inschool, and that's okay. I have
(26:40):
emotions about that I'm not likeI'm not loving that I'm I've
never been someone who wanted tobe a stay at home mom. I really
like my kids being able to gooff to other people who I know
and trust to take care of themand support them in their
growth. But that's not an optionright now, so I may need to take
(27:00):
some time to grieve. That Idefinitely have taken a lot of
time to grieve, that I hope thatyou're taking time to grieve the
things and reminder that griefis not linear, so it can pop up
here and there in interestingways. So being aware of that and
able to give space to that,because that's another piece of
(27:21):
being flexible. Sometimes we gettriggered by something,
something happens that triggersemotional response in us, and
rather than going Nope, can'tfeel that. Don't have time for
it, if you've baked in someflexibility into your schedule,
you can give yourself space forthat, because by structuring
your day in a way where you haveclarity over what you want, not
(27:45):
just in the activities, but inthe being and the experiencing
of then, anytime something comesup, you can assess accordingly
and go, How does this fit inthis? How does this relate to
what I said I wanted, maybe it'stoo disruptive. And and you say
(28:07):
that's going to need to be adifferent day. I'm going to say
no to that, because it does notfit in the space. It's going to
pull me out of what I want myday to be like. Or maybe it's
something that okay, it's it'sstrong enough value, like with
my kids, my value of family isreally high. Maybe I say yes to
(28:29):
that. And notice I didn't say,but I said, and I almost said,
but yes, and I'm going to givemyself a little extra space for
this, or I'm going to move thisthing so that I know that it's
not off the table. I didn't justignore the thing for me or the
thing for something else that'simportant to me, another value
(28:52):
that I have. I didn't just go,Well, that doesn't matter. I
said I'm going to specificallysay this is going to happen.
It's not gone. It's still here.
And because I replaced it intoday with this other thing for
my kids, I'm going to make sureit happens here, and I'm going
to plan accordingly so that itit for sure does happen. So
(29:15):
maybe it's talking to somebodyelse, or planning to have my
kids watch TV so that I havethat time. I don't love putting
them on screens, but that'swhere we're at, right? They're
getting a lot more screen time.
That way you're strategicallyorganizing based on the way you
(29:35):
want to experience your day. Thereason it helps to have some
specific habits that areassociated with what you create
your day with. So the idea ofhaving certain things you do in
the morning to set up your dayfor success is because our
(29:59):
brains like Pat. Patterns, andthe more you're using your
frontal cortex, the more energyyou're using. So especially if
you're already stressed, if youalready have a lot of things
that you're thinking about, youare going to burn more energy.
Your brain is burning moreenergy. So anything that it can
send into the more efficientparts of the brain, it will and
(30:21):
it wants to do that, and youactually help it by doing that,
by saying, Okay, I'm going toset up a routine. Now, when you
first start a routine, when youfirst set up something new, it
will take more energy. It isgoing to take more thought,
because it's not in your brainsautopilot yet. It's not its norm
(30:42):
yet, so it's going to take moreattention. So anything that you
can simplify to make it easierfor you to follow through on
those things, the better if youknow you have more brain space.
Maybe your kids go to bed andyou have a little bit more brain
space, but you want to be ableto do things in the morning,
setting aside an outfit to wearfor the next day can help,
(31:05):
because then that's one thingthat your brain doesn't have to
do in the morning when you wantit for other things, you've
already set aside that outfit.
You've already made that plan.
So this is where, like planningthe night before can be helpful,
because then you don't have tothink in the morning. But if you
prefer to do that kind ofthinking in the morning and
(31:29):
other kinds of thinking in theevening, then you might find it
more beneficial to do it in themorning. So this is where it
really just depends on you andthe way you want to experience
your day and what supports youin experiencing your day that
way. I love the rhymes, so takea minute and look at those
(31:52):
things. Look at like, what arethe words that you would use to
describe the way you want toexperience life the way you want
to experience your day. Andwrite those words down. Maybe
they tidy values that you have.
So maybe write those valuesdown. One exercise that I love,
that that I learned, is to writeout five values, write out five
(32:14):
things that you spend the mosttime on during your day and
connect the dots and see whereyou're spending your energy. It
Are you spending your energy onthings that honor values, like
clearly honor values, or do youhave to kind of do some jumping
rope to find how they connect?
(32:36):
Because if you are not honoringyour top values, maybe you're
honoring one and all the othersare to the side. You're draining
energy because you're notbecause part of you is is
feeling left out, is feelingneglected. And if you are
spending time on things thatdon't attach to values, that
(32:58):
don't connect to values,clearly, then perhaps looking at
what you could let go of, andmaybe it's not something that
you feel like you could let goof. It's probably tied to a
value, and you didn't realizeit, because rarely do we do
anything that's not tied tovalues, but might be a fear
based value and not a consciousvalue, which can also drain your
energy.
(33:20):
So taking doing that littleexercise can be really eye
opening to see where's yourenergy going, because time is
energy, how much time you have,and how really relates to how
much energy you have, how muchtime you have relates to how
(33:42):
much energy you have. If youhave been emotionally triggered,
that's going to take moreenergy, so you're going to have
less time. That's just how itis. So knowing that you can make
plans accordingly, becausesometimes you don't know when
(34:02):
you're going to be emotionallytriggered. You can't plan that.
That's that's one of those lifethings that happens. So being
able to know, I want to begraceful in my experience of
life, I want to be loving in myexperience of life. Well, that
may mean giving yourself thatspace for caring for yourself
(34:25):
when you've had that emotionaltrigger for sitting down and
having an importantconversation, to harnessing a
teaching moment with a kidinstead of going, Ah, you're
wasting my time. You're takingup time. You're you know, like
that's probably not how you wantto show up. So being able to
check in and then go, Okay,here's where I'm moving. The
(34:49):
other thing and giving yourselfspace for that. So that brings
us to the other idea of you mayfind that an ideal day. Isn't as
helpful as having an ideal week.
These are the core things that Ilike to have in my week. And
those may be doings in yourweek, and then your day is what
supports who you're being.
(35:13):
Because, you know, we're humanbeings, not human doings. So
being able to say, okay, whatare those most important things?
What helps me show up and whatdo I want to try? Maybe you try
something and it doesn't work sowell. You can do something
different. But if you know thegoal, if you know the feeling
(35:34):
that you want to accomplish, andthe way you want to show up, the
way you want to experience lifeand the impact that you want to
have, you can check in and go,How well is this experiment
working? What would help it workbetter? What could I do
differently that would supportthis experiment so you can be
curious instead of judgy? Ialways was talking earlier about
(35:57):
like, that idea of how, how do Ido it? Ah, that becomes
overwhelming, whereas a whatquestion, especially if you have
a clearly defined experiment, ismuch more easy to carry out.
Now, is it, I say easy? It's notnecessarily easy, but it's it's
clearer to carry out. And whenit's clear, it's easier, because
(36:19):
if it's not clear, we usuallywon't take action on it, because
the vagueness of it makes itreally hard to hold on to. And
this has come up in a couple ofthe coaching shows, in a couple
of the coaching sessions thatI've done recently on the
podcast. So take a look at that.
Another exercise that I findhelpful is the what's in my cup.
(36:40):
So if you think about all of thethings that you have on your
plate right now, all the thingsthat are going on in your mind,
even not just that you'reactively doing, but that you're
thinking about, list them allout. So maybe it's something
that you're not getting to, butyou really wanted to, I really
wanted to paint my nails. Ihaven't done it yet, and every
(37:04):
time I look at my hands, Ithink, dang it, what am I going
to get to paint my nails? Idon't know that's I'm going with
the something simple, but itcould be big. It could be this
project that you have or a bookthat you wanted to read, but
whatever it is that's on yourmind, or maybe it's things that
you're doing, so thehomeschooling stuff, or doing
(37:25):
some filing, or whatever, any ofthose things, you just write it
all out. Write a whole list ofall of those things, and then in
the next column, go through andsay how much energy you spending
on it, not the amount of timeyou're spending, but the amount
of energy that you are spending.
(37:46):
Because remember, when you arespending energy, you are also
spending time. So if you'respending energy thinking about
something else while you'reworking on something, that's
that lack of focus, and it'sgoing to take more time to do
the thing, because part of yourbrain is wishing it was doing
something else, or thinkingabout something else, or
processing an emotional charge,and you're trying to do
(38:09):
something so it would actuallybe much more loving. Not only,
not only efficient, I was thatto say efficient, but like, it's
not just efficient, it's lovingfor yourself, which also gives
you more energy when you aretaking care of yourself, then
you have more focus, which meansyou'll get things done faster.
(38:29):
Because the more focus you have,the faster you'll be able to do
something so again, it's back tothat experience of life, and
what supports that givingyourself space to process
emotions actually supports yourability to focus, because you
need to be able to process thatto be able to focus on the other
(38:51):
things that you want to do thatsecond column how much energy
spending on that third columnis, how much energy do you want
to be spending on that now, youmay find that there is something
that, going back to the thebook, will say, I want to read
(39:12):
this book I am spending on ascale of one to 10. I am
spending an eight amount ofenergy on this book, because I'm
constantly thinking about how Ineed to read it. I really want
to be spending a four and justread it. So it's not to say that
(39:33):
the amount of energy that you'respending is higher because you
want to do it. It's justenergetically, where are you?
And then the next column is,what would move you one step
closer to the shift that you'relooking for? So maybe you'll
(39:55):
find things that like actually,the energy I'm spending here is,
is what. I would like to bespending but there's some I
would like to be doing itdifferently. So write that down.
What's one thing you could bedoing that's different? So and
then we'll do the book. What ifthe book is, I'm spending a five
amount of energy on it, and Iwant to be spending a five on
(40:17):
it, but it's, it's actuallyshowing up. Like, I'm not
actually doing the reading ofit. I'm just thinking about it.
So I don't want to shift thatenergy from a five. What would
it look like if I spent theenergy? Like, where? Where else
(40:39):
am I taking energy from like,look at the whole list. I want
to reduce energy here. So whatif I took that reduction and
moved it here, so that instead Iwant to spend less time on my
phone? What if I put the book inthe bathroom, so instead of
being on my phone in thebathroom, I'm reading some of
that book, or maybe I don'tbring my phone into the
(41:02):
bathroom, and then I take thattime to grab the book and bring
it back into the bathroom toread, because it's the only
place people leave me alone. Idon't know hashtag mom life,
right? So anyway, just this iswhere, when you actually have a
list, and you have an accountingof, like, Where, where are
(41:24):
things at? Like, what's going onhere, then you can consciously
adjust the amounts. Think of itas like, you know you're you're
cooking your cauldron, andyou're adjusting the amounts
that you're putting in, becausethe the potion does not is not
bubbling the way it's supposedto. We went witchy instead of
sciencey.
(41:46):
So I hope that that is helpfulto you as you start to
restructure your time a lot ofthe ways that we've done things,
it will be very easy as we shiftout of where we've been to go
back into what we had done, oreven hold on to things that
(42:07):
aren't serving us anymore. LikeI said, I personally have felt
like I'm still acting like allmy papers are in the air, and
realizing that actually I know Ineed to pause and acknowledge
where they actually are and pickthem up and give myself some
space to assess them. So I thinkthat the most important thing
from this is recognizing thatyou deserve this space to make
(42:31):
decisions. It's really hard tomake conscious decisions when
you are doing a million things,when you're in the doings,
instead of allowing yourself toreconnect with who you're being
and what it would take to be theperson that you want to be, and
recognize that some of thosethings are things that you don't
(42:53):
need to do anymore, they becomehabits. They're habits of
doings, not doings that actuallymatter to you that actually
support what you want, and thosemay be things that used to be
supportive and no longer serveyou. That happens a lot there.
We change, we grow. Lifechanges. Life. Life happens, and
(43:17):
what served us, maybe before wehad kids isn't going to be as
supportive once we've had kids,the stuff that was supportive
pre covid may not have served usduring the stay at home time,
and may not be the things thatserve us when we go back to
being outside and around peopleagain, We may choose to do
(43:41):
things differently. So takingsome time now to look at what's
going on for you and what youwant to create is a great time
to look at that ideal day, butnot in a let me regiment my day,
which often sets us up forfailure. But what supports me in
(44:05):
my day, what is a design thatwill actually feed me being the
person that I want to be, andjourneying through life the way
I want to journey through life,and doing the things and
focusing on the the activitiesthat are most important to me,
that have the impact, that makethe impact that I want to make,
(44:29):
and a lot of times that startswith giving yourself a little
bit more space and a little bitmore grace. Thank you so much
for listening. I hope that thishas been helpful to you. If
you've had any insights,anything that's jumped out at
you, something that you're goingto try, or something that you're
already doing, that helps youcreate the day that you want to
(44:52):
have, that helps you be theperson that you want to be. Drop
me a note and let me know whatthat is I love. Love to hear
from you. Absolutely love it. Ifthere's something that you would
like me to talk about, that Ididn't cover, or that you would
like to hear me go further into,or whatever, let me know that
you you are welcome to drop me acomment, direct message me. I
(45:17):
again. I love your feedback. Ilove to hear from you. I love to
offer what is supportive to youif you are looking for direct
support, because this is what Ihelp people with, in checking in
and getting clear and going pastthe places that our brain is
used to looking. Because again,we tend to see what we are used
(45:37):
to seeing. It's hard to findother options. Sometimes when we
haven't had those available, wehaven't done that before. We
haven't connected those dots.
That's one of the gifts that Ihave, is being able to hear you
and connect dots that maybe youweren't seeing as connected, so
that you can then take actionthat helps you move forward in a
(45:59):
more loving and efficient andeffective way towards the life
that you want to have, being theperson that you want to be
experiencing life the way youwant to experience it. That's
what I love to do, because youare here for a reason. You are
doing something in the world.
You want to change. You want togrow. You want to help the
(46:23):
world. I want to help you dothat. So please reach out if
that is something you arelooking for. I'm here for
Unknown (46:30):
you, and I will see you all next time. Bye. Thanks
Valerie Friedlander (46:34):
for listening. I so appreciate you
being here. If you got somethingout of today's episode, please
share it, leave me a review,take a screenshot and post it on
social with a shout out to me,send it to a friend, or, you
know, all of the above. Want tohang out more, join me on
Instagram, or better yet, get onmy mailing list to make sure you
don't miss out on anything, andremember your possibilities are
(46:57):
as unlimited as you are. Allowyourself to shine, my friend,
the world needs your light. Seeyou next time you.
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