Episode Transcript
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Hello, my friends, and welcomeback for season five of your
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mindset, unlimited, mindsettips, tools and inspiration for
women leaders. I'm your host.
Valerie Friedlander, ICFcertified coach, sociologist,
intersectional feminist artist,mom and self proclaimed nerd,
possibly also proclaimed byother people. But that's not
really what's important heretoday. We are talking about
planting seeds of hope, and whatthis episode is going to cover
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is what to expect in thisseason, obviously a little sneak
preview of we've had a littlerebranding, little update in
Title and Description and all ofthat, but it's essentially the
same as what you've gottenbefore. Nothing dramatically
different, but more on what arethe little things that have
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changed, also harnessing theenergy of the spring season. You
know, planting those seedsresiliency cultivation allowing
us to navigate the unknownspaces and frankly, quite
uncomfortable spaces, andreleasing comfort and
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convenience and replacing thosewith joy and community so
without further ado, well, let'sget started.
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I am so excited to be back, andlet's talk a little bit about
what you can expect from thisseason. What is changed? What is
staying the same? Obviously, thename has changed a little bit,
but not a lot. The intro haschanged. Basically, my big theme
right now is simplicity. We aretrying to be as simple as
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possible while conveying thevalue that I hold myself to in
terms of my standards for thispodcast, you are still going to
get a podcast episode twice amonth, possibly a bonus if we
have a longer month. I am alsogoing to be adding in some short
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ads to each episode, not thisone, but going forward, because
I really want to uplift someother voices within my spaces. I
know I do that with interviews,and you will still get
interviews, but there are otherpodcasts, writers, businesses
that I really want to make spacefor so there'll be short ads in
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most many episodes, and we'rejust, we're gonna keep it
simple. So you're still going toget interviews with amazing
folks. You're going to get somesolo episodes like this one,
where I'm digging into ideas andyou're also going to get some
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coaching episodes if you areinterested in being coached on
the podcast, anonymously, ofcourse, or as anonymous as I can
keep it without distorting yourvoice. Then there is a sign up
in the show notes that you arewelcome to send me info and
we'll chat further about gettingyou set up for that. And I would
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love your input. I want to hearfrom you so you can do that by
sending me an email. There is aform in the show notes as well
about ask me anything. I'd loveto feature you if you want me to
say who you are that sent thecomment in, then I'm happy to do
that, if not just leave it blankand keep you anonymous. And
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also, there's a way you can sendme a text through I know at
least Spotify. I don't haveApple, so maybe you can do that
through Apple, and you can leavecomments. And especially, what's
really helpful if you love thispodcast, is to leave me a
review, which would be amazing,because it helps more people
find my podcast. Of course,there's the old fashioned
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recommend it to other people,which is also super appreciated.
So those are some of the thingsthat are different and the same
again. Please send me yourfeedback, your info. I'd love to
hear from you. And let's talkabout what this episode is
about. We are kicking thingsoff. We are diving into spring.
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I take a break over the winterbecause, as I mentioned in a
couple episodes back about thatwinter energy. I really think
it's important to take some timeto reflect and turn her inward
and spend a little space in thesubconscious. And of course, as
I mentioned in the last episode,then I got sick for the better
part of a month, and just neededto take some some space. And I
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think I. While there are thingsthat are really unpleasant that
we wish we didn't have to dealwith, we can always create
opportunities in those we canchoose how we show up to them
and what we create from them.
And in a lot of ways, I think,that is the spring energy we are
moving from the unconsciousrealm into the conscious realm,
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into the intentionality we arein an energy of shifting from
the dreaming, visioning spaceinto choosing and designing, not
necessarily action, yet, though,of course, action is always
important, but really allowingroom for experimentation in this
phase, trying some new things,being around people and
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connecting, gatheringinformation and planning,
strategic thinking inpreparation for action. And
that's the energy of spring. NowI think there's great
opportunity in leaning into theenergy. And we all have our own
rhythms and our own cycles. Sonot like that's exclusive, but
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let's talk a little bit aboutlike, what is invited if we were
to emphasize and enrich ourspring energy. So this is a
space of really allowing ourcreative flow to move through.
So if you think about it interms of, like, one of the tarot
decks I have is about the Wheelof the Year, and I love that
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invitation into, like, the timeof arrows. It's a time of air,
time of arrows. So if you thinkof releasing an arrow with
intent, it sends an archers willthrough the air to its target.
And the process of that is like,imagine you have this quiver of
ideas and desires, and you'regoing to take focused aim
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really, steadily, drawing ourwill out that almost think like
that rubber band stretch,pulling the tension fueling the
energy behind the arrow thatwill be released, and then
releasing that creative andintellectual drive with that
aimed intentionality. It'simportant to remember that the
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key to a smooth release issteadiness, being in a relaxed
state. Now I know that's reallyhard because things are really
stressful, so making sure thatyou are caring and, like I said
in the last episode, tending towhat's important? What do you
need to create that steadiness,that stability, physically,
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mentally, emotionally, so thatyou can have the patience of aim
and harness your own gifts anddesires and your cunning into
what you are aiming towards. Sowe want to face this coming
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season with our own honesty andintegrity. That is key, that we
stay in alignment with that. Andthat is not easy. There's a lot
of difficulty in that. I'm goingto talk a little bit more about
that when we talk aboutdiscomfort and inconvenience,
but for right now, taking thattime to plan, to be clear, to
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discern that right relationshipand trust that when you are
aligned and when you are inright relationship, that the
guidance that you receive isgoing to guide you into
appropriate action. So theinvitation as you enter spring
is to really tap into yourpurpose, the direction of your
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heart. This is the peace thatsustains your compass, that
gives that pointedness and keepsyou connected to the universe.
So one of the things that Iinvite people when we first get
on a coaching call is to reallythink about, what do you want?
And sometimes the answer is whatthey don't want. And anytime
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that comes up, we want to shiftinto well, what do you want?
Like, if you didn't have thatthing you don't want, what would
you have? And so you can askyourself that if you find
yourself focused in on thingsthat you're afraid of, things
that you're stressed out about,to give yourself the space,
because it does take space. Itis not easy to lean into, and
we're surrounded by all of thisfear and stress in our daily
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life, that it's going to take alittle bit more room, and it may
take other people to help youlean into that this work really,
truly is not individual work. Alot of it we do need to do on
our own. The inside work thatallows us to do the outside work
isn't stuff that other peoplecan. Do for us, but it doesn't
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mean that it has to be donealone, and I would really
encourage you not to do italone, because we can get lost
in our own heads, and that's oneof the things that's so
beneficial about like bookgroups, not that I think talking
about things is the only wayforward, or that it will solve
anything, but it can help youget out of your own head and out
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of the spin and the limitationsthat we don't even realize we
have put upon ourselves. This isa big part of the work that I do
as a coach, is helping peoplestep outside of the places they
don't even realize they'relimiting themselves, or connect
dots that they hadn't connectedbefore because they didn't
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realize they connected. Becausewhen you're too close to it,
sometimes you can't see thosethreads that relate to each
other. So taking that time toreally connect to your purpose,
the direction of your heart,what is that compass point. So
when I talk about foundations,I'm talking about, you know,
visioning, I use that term alot. There's some episodes about
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visioning that I go into moredetail, but really thinking
about, how do you want toexperience life? How do you want
to show up to life? What impactdo you want to make? What's the
difference that you're lookingfor? How would that feel if you
knew you were making thatdifference?
Connect into those pieces,because the way we move in the
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world creates what we produce. Idon't like that word, but you
know what I mean? Like the it'snot that the ends justify the
means, it's the means create theends. And we don't always get to
see exactly what those ends are.
Sometimes we're feeding intosomething and we don't know if
it's going to work. And thatdoesn't mean that it's the wrong
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thing to do. That doesn't meanthat it doesn't matter. We get
caught in this analysisparalysis of, oh, I want to know
this will work before I do it. Idon't want to waste time, I
don't want to waste energy, andthat is a rabbit hole that holds
us back from doing the things.
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So I the gardening analogy, Ithink is is pertinent here, but
I will give full transparency, Ihave not, as of yet, become a
gardener. It's on my wish list.
It's part of my own visioning.
But that is not something that Ihave activated yet, and I
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recognize that, like holding onto those seeds, if we just hold
on to them and we don't try andplant them, there's nothing will
happen. You won't sow anything,but some of those seeds won't
root, and some of them will anddoes that mean that the ones
that didn't were wasted? I wouldsay, No. I would say the process
itself matters of cultivatingthe earth, of being part and
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connected to the earth and thegrowing process, even if it
doesn't work the first time. AndI will note also this is me
talking to myself in a veryliteral way about growing
things, but I think it's alsopertinent to the variety of
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other things that we're going tocreate or that we want to
create, so remembering thatdoing things matters, because
that's how we learn too, right?
Even if it fails, even if itdoesn't work, that is how we
develop new knowledge and learnabout ourselves and about our
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relationship to other people,other things to the earth. This
is part of our learning process.
It's also important to rememberthe responsibility involved in
our actions. And I recognizethat responsibility can feel
very weighty, and sometimes in alot of ways, it is that does not
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mean that we don't take action,right action and just reward are
inherently linked. You will reapwhat you sow, how you move
determines what you sow, how youact, and then also how you don't
act. So I remind you of this,not because I want to add extra
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pressure again, it is importantthat we take the time to really
be intentional, and that meansboth at the beginning of action
as well as at the end of action.
That's more of the autumn space,like if we think seasonally, we
have the intentionalintentionality at the beginning
with our planning in the spring,our action in the summer, and
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then our accountability in thefall, where we assess, how did
things go, what happened? Soeach of those two. Experiences.
Each of those energies isavailable to us all the time,
but we're highlighting spring ofthat intentionality of this is
important that I make a choiceand that I own that choice that
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is part of accountability,owning our choices and making
them with intention andremembering that justice will be
done. It just doesn't alwayshappen in the timeline that we
experience, as Tolkien wrote,whether the Ents would say we
are hasty creatures after all,so we often think that we're
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going to see the results, butjustice change overcoming
oppression is generational work.
It's not something that we seeright away, so when we take
right action, it may beparticularly uncomfortable for
us in the moment, and again, weneed to remember that it matters
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how we move, what we choose, howwe act, how we interact matters.
So this is the time where we'reinvited to commit to going back
to the archery reverence to thehunting of a new life, or the
seeding of a new life, if thatfeels better to you, and a
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better relationship with eachother and the world. So gather
your tools, steady your state ofmind. Connect to your heart.
Take careful stock of what youwant to achieve, why and the way
you wish to go about it. Fillyour quiver with all the
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talents, the knowledge, thecompassion, the cunning that you
possess, lean into yourconceptual dreams, building
strategy, buildingcommunication, connecting with
others, your creativity andprepare yourself to take action
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towards your vision. The nextpiece that we need to talk about
when we talk about taking actionis failure, essentially. But
it's not just failure when wetalk about resiliency
cultivation, it really isresiliency to all of the things
that feel uncomfortable. I knowthat's that's not super fun, but
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it is important. And one of thebig issues that we have is
difficulty being resilient tothe unknown spaces to going I
don't know. We all want to know.
We have access to so muchinformation right at our
fingertips. To say I don't know,is so uncomfortable. I
experience this even when I'mwatching a movie. I'm like, I've
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seen this actor before. Wherehave I seen them before? And I
can just pick up my phone and Ican look it up, but I remember
the experience of mulling itover. I would sit through an
entire movie, appreciating themovie, but also going, where
have I seen them before? Andpart of my brain is like trying
to figure out where I seen thatperson before, and then I figure
it out, and it's so exciting.
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Ah, that's it, the thrill ofdiscovery, of connection, and it
takes time, and we have lost aresiliency to that process of
reflection, to have the patiencefor that exploration within
ourselves with outside ofourselves. So that's part of the
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resiliency cultivation. It's notjust resiliency to things not
working out, to the unexpected.
A lot of times we think of it aslike, Oh, I thought it was going
to go one way, and then itdidn't. And now I'm
disappointed. Disappointments adifficult emotion. So it's also
that unknown space of I might bedisappointed and fear. We are
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surrounded by a lot of fear.
Fear brings out the worst inothers, and it can be extremely
motivating, but it's motivatingour worst selves. We tend to
comply to actions that we knoware wrong, out of fear, out of
the unknown, out of a fear ofpunishment of other people, fear
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of suffering, all of these fearstend to motivate us because we
don't have resiliency to thatspace of new, that space of
discovery, of unknown andfrustration when things aren't
working the way we expect. Andwe have to pivot. We have to
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adjust, we have to learn andgrow so we overcome fear, not by
focusing on the fear, but bycultivating other emotional
states, by leaning into stateslike joy. Where do we create
joy? Admiration, ness?
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Nostalgia, love, even sadnessand outrage, also fascination
and disgust. Like, have you everbeen like this smells gross. You
should smell it or, you know,this is really odd tasting, you
should try it right. Like wehave this inspiration that comes
from the experience ofsomething, but when we get
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locked in our own heads, fearcan take over. It's another
reason why we really need eachother. I've been reading the
book, let this radicalize you,by Kelly Hayes and Mariam Kaba,
and that's one of the thingsthat they talk about, is
overcoming that and leaning intothese other experiences I've
only gotten through chapterthree. This is back to the book
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club idea I'm doing in a bookclub on this, but one of the
quotes that I really appreciatedin it is that in order to invest
in a new vision, a new way ofliving, we have to believe in
each other and our capacity tocreate something better. Our
belief in human potential mustoutweigh our fear of human
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failure. Our imaginations mustbe courageous. And this is
something I see so often withcoaching, is that people aren't
ready to do something unlessthey believe that maybe
something else is possible, andisn't you have even have to be
like, I know something ispossible. It's maybe something
is possible. Maybe I could havedifferent than this. People stay
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in dysfunctional relationshipsall the time, partly because
they don't believe that theycould have any better. And this
speaks to that, what are youcommitted to. What are you
focused on? What are youchoosing to pour energy into?
And a lot of times, people wantclarity and they want
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confidence, and we don't getthat without courage, the
courage of leaning into theunknown and doing something
different, being someonedifferent in the world. So
connecting with that idea ofwhat is, what is failure? To
you? What does failure feellike? Really engage that idea of
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failure. So often there arethings that scare us that are
lurking in the corner that wedon't shed light on because
we're afraid of what we're goingto see. Well, shed light on it,
engage it, because when we lookat it, a lot of times, it's not
as scary as we think it is. Sowhat is failure to you? What are
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you afraid of? What don't youwant take a look at that, and
then think, if I didn't havethat, what would I have? Even if
you think you're seekingsomething different, sometimes
that fear is informing what wethink we want. Instead of really
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being willing to take a look atwhat do you really want? What
are you actually committed to?
There's a portion in the book onpage three that says, I know
that claustrophobia too well,the belief that you've come to
understand something awful andinescapable. It's a feeling I
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have confronted many times, butI eventually learned that the
answer is always the same. Whenyou feel trapped by an
oppressive inevitability, younever stop trying to escape
because every jailbreak beginswith a decision to reject the
inevitable. It is the courage topick up a pen every time,
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knowing you may not finish thestory, but knowing full well
that you will reject the endingyou've been given every step of
the way. Reality is malleable,and I share that, because we
need to face those fears andtake a look at them, and then
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really know what our prison is,and then we can reject it. Then
we can go, No, I am going tochoose something else. Recently,
a client said to me, I just haveto believe I'll be all right.
And I invite you to explore.
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What does that mean to you?
Because part of our conditioningis what it means to be all
right. What does success looklike? So we talk about defining
your version of success. We'retaught success looks like making
lots of money, becoming amillionaire, having a big house,
having a fancy car, whatever.
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And a lot of people I work withare rejecting that version of
success. They want a successthat looks like enjoying life
and being present with theirfamily and those sorts. Of
things, and we still have beenconditioned with a lot of these
ideas. And when you're bombardedwith all of the fear messaging
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that we're surrounded by, we getreally focused on survival.
Again, it doesn't allow us to becreative, be imaginative. So
taking a look at what does itmean to be all right? A lot of
times that means to becomfortable, to have life be
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more convenient. That's what wethink we'll enjoy better is when
I don't have to work so hard.
What could it mean to be allright. Something I talk a lot
about is this idea that beinguncomfortable is bad and it's
not. It is when we label it thatway, we avoid it. But discomfort
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is part of the growing process,part of the learning process,
right? Failure and discomfortoften go together and
inconvenience. So when you aretrapped in a system that isn't
serving you, trying to get freeis going to be uncomfortable. We
think, Oh, if I'm doing itright, it won't be
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uncomfortable. But that's nottrue. If you're locked up,
getting free isn't going to beeasy, it's not going to be
convenient, it's not going to becomfortable. And we have to get
past that idea of what it meansto be all right, and that is
that it is going to beuncomfortable. We are going to
have to stretch ourselves, shiftourselves, engage in things that
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we've not done before, which isnaturally uncomfortable. It's
also not going to be convenientwhen everything in our systems
pull us one way we end up havingto be like salmon swimming
upstream. Swimming Upstream isnot convenient. It's much more
convenient to keep going withthe crowd, with the flow of the
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energy and the messaging and allof that. It's not convenient to
go the opposite direction, tosay something different is
possible. It does take courage,and it does take care, and it's
way easier to do with a schoolof fish, because then you have
that support of doing theinconvenient. So taking a look
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and what could it mean to be allright? It could mean care. It
could mean connection andbelonging and purpose and joy
and curiosity and creation. Sonotice when you're leaning into
being comfortable, when you areleaning into what's convenient,
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and activate that vision goingback to that idea of that spring
time energy holding true to yourpurpose and the direction of
your heart as a compass point,taking the space you need for
care, connecting with others, sothat you can build an alignment
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with that, even if it meansyou're swimming upstream instead
of downstream. And remember thatwhat we've been conditioned to
think of and process as beingall right. That feeling of all
rightness may not be what wefeel as we step into building
what will truly make us allright. So our bodies are going
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to talk to our brains, and ourbrains are going to go, oh,
well, this means this, and we'regoing to make some meaning out
of what we're experiencing andthat vibration of discomfort,
and sometimes that vibration ofdiscomfort is in a recognition
that something is not right,something is not aligned. And
that doesn't mean shut it downand move away from it and ignore
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it. It means lean into it andgo, Oh, this isn't right. What
can I do? What energy can I putinto it? What do I need to
confront this? What courage?
What will help me access courageto engage it again. It's not
comfortable to break free, andit is inconvenient to do
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something outside of our norms,and it is necessary.
And I'm going to share from thebook a little bit of inspiration
for that, because it can bereally hard to lean into
discomfort and the things thataren't as convenient when we
don't have that vision of what'spossible, when we don't have
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that inspiration to help us stepinto our courageous spaces.
There's an example in the bookof women in prison and the
social life support system thatthey create for each other. In
this particular example of. Tolift each other's spirits and
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imbue life with a more joyousenergy. Some of the people Cosby
was imprisoned with would singuntil they got in trouble and
then keep singing while workingshifts in the kitchen. Cosby was
among those who would sing quoteevery so often whatever COO or
kitchen supervisor or whatevercome by and be like, shut that
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up, cut that out, and we'd belike, All right, and sing
anyway. I am noting that I'mcutting out the cursing because
I'm not putting a contentwarning on this episode. But
there is cursing here when thewomen were issued a disciplinary
ticket for singing, they wouldrespond by making up a song
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about the ticket. This rebellionof song created space for joy in
a brutally oppressiveenvironment, despite the
fascistic nature of prison lifeand the surveillance that
dominated their lives amidplayful bouts of song, Cosby and
the other women were able tosmile and laugh and dance. I
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share that in part because inthe book club that I'm in, one
of the women commented abouthaving a sort of jealousy of
like, I want that and going,well, I don't I don't actually
want to go to prison to havethat. What does it look like to
cultivate that in my own lifenow? And it occurs to me, as we
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were discussing this, that inorder to cultivate that, we have
to let go of other things. Wehave to be willing to put down
some of our isolationistictendencies, our individualistic
tendencies, the things that wehold on to because they feel
comfortable, because they'repart of the rhythm that we've
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learned that is convenient Inour life, and do something
different. And again, even doingsomething different that we
enjoy doesn't always feelcomfortable. I was kind of used
to this idea you had to clean upbefore guests come over, and I
just didn't have the time, and afriend just came over, and it
was fine. We had a great time,and it was a little
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uncomfortable at first, becauseI was very conditioned around
me, like you're supposed tovacuum everything and clean the
bathrooms and do all this stuff.
And yet, it started to allowmore room for joy. It allowed me
to put down some of the thingsthat I had thought had to be
there. And it took some courageto be able to say, Yes, come in
and not go. Please ignore themess, right? Like to just allow
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it to be what it is, because theconnection was more important.
So this is where I invite youagain. What are you committed
to? There's a quote from thebook, a shorter one this time,
that says acceptance of thediscomfort and pain actually
reflects the depths of yourcaring and commitment to life.
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So commitment is important.
Courage is important. Whenyou're leaning into something
different. We are workingtowards a future we are unlikely
to see as I mentioned, uprootingoppression is the work of
generations, and the importantthing is to act. So what are you
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committed to? What helps youharness your creativity and your
courage and your imagination?
Octavia Butler talks about theidea of positive obsession, and
positive obsession helps usovercome that inconvenience and
discomfort. There's a sectionfrom the parable of the sower
that says, God is change, and inthe end, God prevails. But
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meanwhile, kindness easeschange, love quiets fear, and a
sweet and powerful positiveobsession blunts pain, diverts
rage, and engages each of us inthe greatest, the most intense
of our chosen struggles. So I'llwrap this episode up with
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inviting you to explore a fewquestions in your life, what is
your vision, your positiveobsession? And I gave you some
ideas of how you can go aboutexploring that through a few
other questions throughout thisepisode, where are you
connecting with others who alignwith your chosen struggles, with
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your positive obsession. Ifyou're not connecting, where
will you start looking toconnect? What obstacles are you
facing to build into this visionthat you have? What support.
Support do you need? And whatsupport can you offer? Exploring
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these things, tapping into thisis where we seed hope. I know
you were wondering like, howdoes this connect with seeding
hope? Because I hadn't mentionedit yet, but seeding hope means
leaning into those things, to bewilling to act, to believe in
what's possible. This is wherewe tap into hope. So if you need
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support, figuring out what yourvision is, what action to take
as you pull that bow string backto loose arrows. What arrows are
you pulling? What is in yourquiver anyway? What are you even
aiming at? Any of thosequestions are totally
understandable questions.
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They're questions that I supportclients with all the time. So if
that is something that you wouldlike some support to dig into so
that you can start taking actionand connecting and doing
something different, becausesometimes we know something
different, we need to do it, butwhat? That's what I'm here to
help you with. And so pleasedon't hesitate to reach out. I
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have a link for a freeexploration call, and if you're
not ready for that, and there'sno obligation there, it's just a
conversation. But if you're notready for that. Definitely get
on my email list. I send outperiodic emails with inspiration
and ideas and also opportunitiesthat I'm offering within my own
work. So sign up for that, andthat is where we will wrap up
(36:39):
the first episode of seasonfive. Thank you so much for
being here, and if you enjoyedthis episode, if you were
inspired by this episode youwant to get more, make sure that
you subscribe to the podcast andplease share it with a friend.
And if you feel particularlyinspired, drop me a comment.
(37:01):
There's a little section whereyou can put a comment on the
episode, or you can always emailme privately at
valerie@valeriefreedlander.com,and I will talk to you all next
time.