April 16, 2025 • 58 mins
What’s really draining your energy isn’t solely the stressors in your life but the patterns you’ve learned to deal with them. If you’re feeling emotionally drained, constantly second-guessing yourself, or stuck in a cycle of over-responsibility and burnout—you’re not alone, and there’s nothing wrong with you. The ways your unconscious has learned to help you may no longer support the life you want. While the state of the world is undeniably overwhelming, many of the most persistent energy drains come from within—especially in how we respond to stress, pressure, and high expectations. In this real-life Energy Leadership Index (ELI) debrief, I walk through a coaching session with a creative, purpose-driven client who’s feeling depleted. Together, we explore how her energy is shaped by both external stressors and internal beliefs, including guilt around setting boundaries, fear of letting others down, and the pressure to always get things right.
In this episode of Mindset Unlimited, you’ll hear Valerie use the Energy Leadership Index Assessment Debrief to help a client explore the question: “What’s really draining your energy and how can you reclaim it using your strengths?”
Some of what we engage in this episode include:
- What the Energy Leadership Index (ELI) Assessment is and how it works
- The 7 levels of energy and how they influence stress, mindset, and behavior
- How your energy levels can lead to exhaustion, motivation, and or both
- Identifying practical strategies that fit you when it comes to supports like setting boundaries and honoring your capacity
If you’re navigating stress, fatigue, or emotional exhaustion and want insight into how to reclaim your energy and feel more empowered, this episode is for you.
LINKS TO REFERENCES MADE IN THIS EPISODE:
Sign up for the Energy Leadership Index Assessment Use Code APRILELI for $150 off!
Unlocking Your Leadership Energy episode
You’re More Than Your Personality Test episode
CONNECT WITH VALERIE:
Sign up for Valerie’s newsletter
Apply to be coached on the podcast
This podcast was produced by Valerie Friedlander Coaching
Proud member of the Feminist Podcasters Collective
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Valerie Friedlander (00:00):
Hello, my friends, and welcome to another
(00:03):
episode of Mindset unlimited.
Today we are talking aboutwhat's really draining your
energy. An inside look into theELI debrief. Eli stands for
energy leadership index, and thedebrief is what you get after
you take the assessment. We dothe debrief, because it's really
necessary to be able tounderstand the assessment. Since
(00:24):
this is an attitudinalassessment rather than a
personality assessment, part ofwhat we're doing is looking at
the lens that you perceive theworld through, and if you just
do that by yourself, you'reperceiving through your normal
lens the report, and it's justnot possible to go quite as deep
and get as robust andunderstanding of yourself and of
(00:47):
the patterns that are presentand that are showing up. So
having the debrief is reallyimportant now. Reason I wanted
to share this with you isbecause this isn't a super well
known assessment, and I thinkit's really helpful when you're
considering investing inyourself, that you have an
(01:08):
understanding of what exactlyyou're getting. What does that
look like? What is the value?
How is this supportive? I calledthis episode, what's really
draining your energy? Because ifyou are someone who is feeling
emotionally drained tends tosecond guess yourself, feeling
stuck in a cycle of overresponsibility and burnout.
(01:28):
Maybe you identify as arecovering people pleaser. This
episode is definitely going toresonate now. Everybody's going
to have a different experiencewith the ELI, different results
from the Eli. I talk a littlebit about that in this episode.
This episode, but if you want todive more into the framework, I
have a couple other episodes,including the episode from
(01:49):
earlier this month, that I digfurther into the framework so
that you can take the frameworkand utilize it. I love this
tool. I have had clients wholove this they've contacted me
years later and told me how theframework itself has been so
helpful in being able to createshifts in their life. Some of
(02:10):
them have redone the Eli andseeing the things that have
shifted over time and withdifferent experiences and
circumstances, what it lookslike at a different point in
their life. It's justfascinating. So if you are
listening to this and you'relike, I would really love to
(02:31):
better understand my ownpatterns, especially how stress
might be shaping your choices, Iwant you to know that I am
currently offering $150 discounton the energy leadership index
assessment. It's normally 345and with the code April Eli,
you'll receive the assessment,the report, a full 90 minute
(02:54):
debrief with me to unpack yourresults and a code for
discounted coaching sessions ifyou want the additional support
afterwards, I will make a notereal quick here that this
debrief is slightly shortenedbecause normally 90 minutes. I
wanted to try and keep thispodcast a little bit more
(03:14):
towards its normal length,though it is a little bit longer
than usual. Anyway, I'm offeringthis discount right now, because
we're living through a time ofrapid and often overwhelming
change and just a lot ofoverwhelming dynamics. And this
is a self awareness tool thatcan be incredibly grounding. Can
(03:37):
help you see where the stress isshaping your reactions and how
you can shift into moreintentional action, regardless
of the stressors, basicallyshifting from what you don't
have control over to what youdo. The code is good through
April 30, or until I reachcapacity, because it is an
(03:58):
intensive offering, and sowhichever comes first, that's
how long it will last. And nowlet's get into the example
debrief, so you can hear whatthis actually sounds like in
practice.
(04:19):
My goal with this assessmentwhen we go through it together,
is that you understand how thepatterns are showing up for you,
but also that you understand thelevels and how to engage them in
a way that actually meets youwhere you're at with each level,
because we are not one level orthe other level at any time, one
(04:40):
may have dominance in ourperception. So if you think of
it like colors, whatever one isdominant is going to infuse all
the other ones a little bitmore, but that dominant color is
also being infused by the othercolors as well. Because I sent
you the report ahead of time, soyou had a chance to look it over
a little bit. Do. But not spendtoo much time overthinking it.
(05:03):
So we'll start with, what do youhope to achieve from this
assessment?
Client (05:09):
Honestly, just a little bit more self awareness as to
like, why I approach things, orcome to think of things in the
way that I do, and notnecessarily if it's good or bad,
but what adjustments or changesor shifts can I make to be more
in line with where I want to be?
I supposeI think it would reserve
more energy for things that were
Valerie Friedlander (05:29):
If you had the knowledge to make shifts
more fulfilling and productive.
You know what I mean? I thinkthe negative self talk, or like,
(05:50):
the negative approach to thingsis more draining, and that would
be the only thing I could thinkof off the top of my head?
Yeah, no,that makes a lot of sense. I'm
curious, if you had more energyfor the things that you wanted,
(06:11):
what difference would that make,do you imagine in your health
and wellness?
Client (06:16):
Oh, huge. I think it would change everything,
honestly and like, the way Iparent, the way I show up in my
relationships, even in my myfield, my business, I feel like
when I've been physically morefit and, like, more active, I've
had more energy, and thereforethere's more waking hours in the
day for me to do the things thatI want to do, versus there being
(06:40):
hours in the day where I'm Justwaiting until we can go to sleep
so I can rest.
Valerie Friedlander (06:44):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely, yep. And when you
are more tired, your body isalso more reactive, right? So it
kind of feeds on itself. Whatdifference do you think it would
make in your sense of ability tobe a leader or your leadership?
Client (07:03):
was not as tired as I feel and am, I think it would
enable me to process andcommunicate more efficiently. So
as ideas come, I'd probably beable to compute them, put them
(07:27):
together and share them in ashorter time span than it takes.
Now, I feel like leaders arekind of like on top of it in
that way, and consistent. Ithink consistency is kind of
that would help you be more inalignment with where you want to
hard when your energy levels arefluctuating. And then, you know,
if you add the layer of hormonesinto it, it's just a it's a fun
(07:47):
guessing game.
Valerie Friedlander (07:49):
Yeah, yeah.
All right, that. So I ask aboutthose things, because part of
the questionnaire involvescertain things where you're
feeling more satisfied or lesssatisfied in life. And so I kind
of look at, what are we lookingat really understanding? So
that's part of where thosequestions come from. And then so
I'm hearing there may be somestories around being tired as
(08:11):
well that play into, like youmentioned the negative self talk
and that sort of thing. And soone thing about being tired, we
have a lot of stories aroundproductivity in our society. And
so especially when you havehormonal shifts, or when you
(08:32):
have energy dynamics, which canbe mindset, but they can also be
physical. And those two willplay together based on those
stories. So that's somethingthat I did notice, and is pretty
common with the energeticprofile that I'm seeing for you.
So it makes a lot of sense thatthat would be a big thing for
(08:54):
you. So I'm curious, what didyou notice when you looked at
your report?
Client (09:06):
I think it was one of those, like, hope for the best
situations. And it's like, oh,maybe I will get more of the
lean. I think it was like sevenor eight level, but I felt like
it was more on the nose. I don'tknow. I was just like, Yeah,
this, this feels accurate, likeI have a level of self
(09:28):
awareness. Was like, yeah, likeyou, you know. So I don't, I
don't know if I had any specificexpectations and taking the
report, it was more of just likea FAAFO, you know, let's mess
around and find out. Yeah, thecards fall.
Valerie Friedlander (09:49):
Was there anything that stood out to you
when you looked at it?
Client (09:54):
I think it was surprised, like the dip in the
middle, right? Like. Uh, one andtwo was high, and then I think
seven or eight was a little bitmore, but the ones in the middle
were pretty low, and I was justlike, Oh, I didn't expect there
to be such contrast.
Valerie Friedlander (10:14):
Yeah, so that's one of the things I like
to emphasize, is so there aretwo parts, since we're not,
nobody's looking at your chartright now. They're they're
hearing us talk about it. Thereare two pieces to the chart. One
is your energetic profile, andthe other is your energetic
stress reaction. And so yourenergetic stress reaction is, is
(10:38):
what happens when a stressoroccurs. And it could be
something that lasts a minute, amoment to days, depending on
what that stressor is and howit's impacting you. So that is
pretty much always going to be aone, level one, or level two or
(10:58):
both, because that's thatsurvival mode. Essentially, one
and two exist in what's calledthe circle of self, and I'll
be. What difference do you thinkthat would make in your life?
have links to pictures in theshow notes for everybody who's
listening. One and two are thoseI need to protect myself. So one
(11:20):
tends to be that, like life'shappening to me, and two is, I'm
going to stop you, becauseyou're doing this to me. So like
life is happening to me and I'mpowerless to you're happening to
me, and that's no longer goingto be the case, like I need to
win and you need to lose. That'san either or binary kind of
(11:41):
situation, the blinders havegone on. There's no choice here.
There's just right or wrong,right. When we get into your
energetic profile, those two canbe present, and this is more how
life is normally going for you.
So it's like, this is yourgeneral color palette, or mix of
colors, the colors that go intothe lenses that you perceive.
(12:07):
And then when stress happens, wescored in a whole bunch of red
and or gray, depending on whichlevel shows up. So that's the
dynamic what I see in yourchart. And so I'm going to touch
on a little bit about, like thethe general pattern that is
common with this combination.
(12:30):
And then we look at thedifferent levels and how they
may be showing up for you. Istart with the what's called
anabolic levels. So foreverybody listening, a good
precursor to this episode is thesecond episode of my podcast,
which is about your more thanyour personality test. So this
(12:52):
one, so we're talking about thecatabolic levels, which is that
stress response, so breakingdown, limiting, reducing,
constricting. So we usually, inthis debrief, talk about your
more anabolic levels, the oneswhere we're releasing the
catabolic energy. We're startingto build, we're starting to to
(13:13):
expand. I emphasize that none ofthese levels are good or bad.
They are all there for a reason,and they're showing up to
support you the way that youknow or have learned to support
yourself. So it's notnecessarily good to be more
(13:35):
level seven, sometimes that canshow a disassociation with
reality, honestly. Okay, sobecause level seven is is more
like your meditative state,okay, more access to it can help
you access the other levels moreconsciously. But we don't reside
there as human beings in humanbodies, so it's not a good or
(14:00):
bad thing. This isn't about whoyou are. It's how you're
experiencing life right now andthe lens that you're perceiving
the world through. Okay, so anyquestions at this point?
Client (14:13):
No, this is great. I think I just I pulled up my
chart. I don't know what I'msaying. Tired. Go figure. I'm
just really interested to seewhat you have to say about this.
Valerie Friedlander (14:25):
Okay, so the overarching pattern that I
see within your profile, andjust to explain so your primary
is level four, and then you havethree levels that are all the
same percentages, okay? And youmight be like, Well, what does
that mean? They're all the same,so we give greater weight to the
(14:47):
more catabolic energies. So theand I hate to say lower
energies, because I think thatgives a negative connotation,
which again, plays into thecatabolic stuff. But the more
constricted energies are, whatwe give more weight to, because
that tends to pull your focus.
So when you have percentagesthat are all the same, we're
(15:12):
going to look at the ones thatare the lower levels. So we've
got one, two and six all havethe same percentages. So I would
say your secondary is level one,your tertiary is level two, and
then your worthy area. I don'tactually know the word for that.
It is level six. What that showsme is that you have three top
(15:35):
levels that are very emotional.
Even numbers tend to be moreemotional, and your odd numbers
tend to be more logical. So whenwe think of and I'm gonna run
through the levels just realquick, for folks who are
listening, level one is, I'm avictim. Life's happening to me.
(15:57):
I am powerless. Level two is, Iwin, you lose. So for me to be
okay, you have to lose. It'slike your fight response. Level
three is when you start to comeout of that circle of self into
more of a circle self mastery.
This is where you start torelease the catabolic energy
through rationalization. It's Iwin, but hopefully you do too.
So it doesn't have to be aneither or situation. You're
(16:19):
like, I'm gonna find a way to beokay. I do me. You do you. I can
find the silver lining. I canmake lemonade out of lemons. So
that whole thing is level three,and it involves a lot of that
rationalization, brain power,figure it out, tolerate it. All
of that. Level four is you win.
(16:41):
So I'm going to focus on caringfor you. I'm going to give to
you. I find with a lot ofpeople, I work with people
pleasers, stuff with fawnresponse can be a lot in level
four. So instead of just I'mbeing of service, it is, I'm
going to take care of you sothat you take care of me. And
when that doesn't happen, levelone or level two will activate.
(17:04):
So this is, I'm focused on, you,you're you winning is my win.
But again, this is where it canget a murky. Level five is where
we get to the Win. Win. We bothwin, or we don't play. This is
the level of opportunity.
Everything is an opportunity,whether it's something I wanted
or something I didn't want, it'sall an opportunity. Again. This
is like, if you think ofaccounting, this is like, where
(17:27):
you can make everything makesense. It all comes together. I
There's a lot of logic. I callit the scientist level, level
six. We're heading into thecircle self transcendence, and
this is where we always win,just playing the game we win. So
it's not a you know, either welike we either we both win or we
(17:51):
don't play. It's by playing wealways win, right? And so funny
that one two and six, I got tosay one, because they all feel
so opposite of each other. Soit's not necessarily the that
they're opposite, it's thatthey're interacting. And so this
is what I like to emphasize,even though I'm going to go
(18:14):
through each level individually,so that you understand the
level, understanding how theyinteract shows you the pattern
of how it's playing in yourlife. So that's what we're
really looking for, is thepatterns. So what's the pattern
that's working for you rightnow? And it may be a pattern
(18:34):
that's working for you, and maybe like, You know what? Actually
that pattern, it's working, butit's not working right? Like,
not always Is it working the wayyou want it to be working. But
when you can understand how it'sworking, then you can go, Well,
this is where it's showing up,and this is what I want to try.
Well maybe, what would it looklike if I brought a little more
level five in? It's almost likegoing to the optometrist and be
(18:57):
like, does this look clear, orthis one, this one, or this one,
so you can kind of play with itand and essentially use your
imagination and your creativityto explore other options that
might not have seemed asavailable to you because you
didn't understand what yourpattern was. Now, I know my
pattern. I know that this levelis playing. What would it look
(19:17):
like if this other level showedup? What? What would it look
like if I brought it forward,and then you're using that
imagination to explore it andgo, Well, you know, if this
level showed up, then this couldhappen. Well, what could I do to
explore that in a way that wouldfeel safe. So especially if
(19:40):
level one is active, it may be,what do I need to care for
myself because my level one isactive instead of, this is true.
This is what's real. Oh, Irecognize this pattern. What
supports me when I'm feelingthis way, right? So there it
takes some. The judgment out Ihave noticed, yeah, so to look
(20:01):
at that for you, we are seeingthe four and one playing
together, which, again, thattends to show me that you care
very deeply about people andthat you may take on things as
your responsibility that aren'tactually your responsibility.
(20:22):
And so it creates a sense ofpowerlessness, because you want
to help, you want to be therefor people. There's a deep
importance. And then there'salso a viewpoint that something
is broken, or someone is broken,and that something is wrong, and
if you can't do something aboutit, especially if it's not yours
to do something about it,creates a sense of powerlessness
(20:43):
that can feel kind of like avortex. Okay, the amount of
Level Two suggests that part ofhow you may be pulling yourself
out of that vortex is by blamingthe other person or the
situation and using your angerto keep your yourself going,
right? Because that level, leveltwo is like a burst of energy.
(21:07):
You can motivate yourself withlevel two, it has a lot of power
to get ish done.
Client (21:15):
Yeah, I've definitely, I'm guess I'm anger to start a
lot of things, and then Ihaven't been able to sustain it,
obviously, yeah, like, nothingcan sustain on anger. And so
things will fall out, fizzleout, and then I'm back to one
where I'm just like, Oh, I'm notgood at anything. Nothing works
out, right? And then when I getangry enough, and then I'll
(21:38):
start over,
Valerie Friedlander (21:40):
Yeah. And tell me if this is is accurate,
but part of where your anger maycome from is either for someone
else's situation or in order to,like, help somebody. Like,
there's an injustice, there'ssomething that isn't happening,
and so that's what fuels youranger to do something.
Client (22:01):
My god, yes, yeah. It's like, you know, someone else
isn't insulted, and I'm moreangry than the person who got
insulted, and I'm getting betterat being like if they're not
bothered. Why are you like, youknow, but it's hard,
Valerie Friedlander (22:17):
Yeah. So that is common with those level
dynamics, because what you'reused to right now is motivating
yourself through that fightresponse, and rather than
rejuvenating yourself, you usethat fight response for someone
(22:40):
else that level four I'm caringfor you to burst energy, but
that energy can't sustain, andso then you're tired, but then
you have a story about whyyou're tired and what's wrong
with you that you're tired.
Client (22:54):
Yep.
Valerie Friedlander (22:56):
Okay, so that makes sense with this
patterning, with six being yournext, basically what I see,
what's common with the four sixis that your energy is being
held back by the more catabolicenergies. Okay, okay, so four
six is actually not, I mean,it's not, not common, but it, it
(23:21):
basically says that you reallywant to be resonating more in
that heart connective space,yeah, but the those other energy
levels are pulling you down sothat it's really hard to be in
that space.
Client (23:37):
Yes, I feel this. Okay.
What do I do about it?
Valerie Friedlander (23:41):
So, so we're gonna take, we're gonna
take a look a little bit about,like, exactly how that's
playing, so that you have abetter understanding. And the
goal of this assessment is thatyou can see the patterns, okay,
so that you can then use thetool of the levels to explore,
okay. How do I show updifferently? And then, of
(24:02):
course, this is what I use whenI work with people. When I'm
coaching with people, we holdthat space in this awareness so
that I'm essentially coachingthe energy versus telling you
what to do, it's helping youutilize that tool and also
holding space for okay. Irecognize that this is that
pattern. What could we do toexpand level three? Level three
(24:25):
is kind of how we pull out oflike, we release the catabolic
energy. So essentially, kind oflike what you just described,
actually, they're not this angrywiring. And so taking it further
to what would help you releasethat anger? It's really easy
(24:47):
when we're used to or reallycommon when we're used to using
that anger to motivate you don'tnecessarily want to release the
anger. I need this anger. Thisis helpful. What will I do if I.
Don't have it, and so findingwhere you can harness energy
differently, and this may pointto that too, because that level
(25:09):
six is part of where you getenergy. So I'm gonna just go
through real quick, because thisis a kind of an abbreviated
version, so I'm going to gothrough each level real quick
for you, and I'll ask a fewquestions within it. So if we go
to level three, which is lowerfor you, level three, what I see
(25:34):
here is that you try to choosehow you react to situations. You
look for the good aspects of aperson or situation, you strive
to accept other people as theyare without trying to change
them. And one of the things Ipick up with this is that you
found it to be a slippery slope,because when you are striving to
(25:55):
accept other people withouttrying to change them, sometimes
that means letting them get awaywith unacceptable behavior,
Client (26:03):
right,
Valerie Friedlander (26:04):
that you then beat yourself up for
allowing
Client (26:06):
Yeah,
Valerie Friedlander (26:08):
Okay, so what this emphasizes to me is
that boundary work may behelpful, because with level
four, there's a lot ofcompassion for people. You've
learned to block people whowould take advantage of that
(26:31):
with anger, and that helps youhold a boundary. So working on
boundary work such that youdon't have to use that level of
energy to hold the boundary,that there's more ability to to
allow people to either win ornot win, and that's okay,
(26:56):
without feeling responsible forthem winning or losing or in
their feelings. Okay, how doesthat hit? For you?
Client (27:05):
It resonates. I feel like that applies heavily. A lot
of my anger and boundaries isaround family, right? And so
it's just like, well, if they'renot going to fight for
themselves, Well, you know, whyam I going to hold on to it. And
then also, I don't know it's,it's like, one of those things
(27:27):
of like, do I confront thisperson and have an unproductive
conversation where I know I'mgoing to be stressed out and
just frustrated afterwards? Ordo I just set the boundary and,
like, walk away, and it is whatit is, you know? So I feel that,
yeah, I think the boundaries arethrough anger and they are
draining, you know, because it'slike I have to not say anything.
Will not have to, I choose tonot say anything for it to be
(27:52):
less of a drain.
Valerie Friedlander (27:54):
Yes, yeah.
So, so boundaries and lovingdetachment are the two things
that come to mind with this isthat it's the ability to tap
into some of the level five andsix, which is trusting that
everything works out the way itneeds to. You know, kind of the
(28:16):
bless and release. Emphasis onthe bless How do I bless them?
You know, whatever that meansfor you to trust that the
universe will care for them theway they need, and that you are
there when they are ready tohear something different.
Client (28:36):
Yeah,
Valerie Friedlander (28:38):
So that you retain that energy. But that's
that level a lot of that islevel three. Of this is bad,
what they're doing is bad. Whatthey're doing is wrong. What
they're doing is hurting them,what they're doing, whatever
story you are telling about whatthey're doing, to be able to say
and that is theirs, right? Yeah,and I can love them without
(29:01):
trying to manage that for them,which is hard. So that's, that's
where the work is, is thatswitch up? We haven't gone to
those levels yet, so, but that'slevel three is, is that like,
ultimately, I have to take careof me. I wish you well. I hope
the best for you. Right nowyou're using level two, because
(29:21):
it feels like an attack, becauseof how deeply you care about
people. So level four, what Isee for you here, and this is
your primary you feel great whenyou can help someone overcome a
problem. And people tend to cometo you with their problems. When
they do, you are more concernedwith how you can help them than
(29:43):
what they can do for you. It mayfeel safer to give than to
receive. It may also feel moreaccessible to give than to
receive. Because I'm getting theimpression, correct me, if I'm
wrong, that a lot of the peoplethat come to you, you don't
actually think, have the.
Capacity to give to you, okay,so that, and then you care
(30:03):
deeply and feel the need to fixproblems that you see. I'm
curious, when do you feelfrustrated if you can't help
some or, you know what? Let merephrase that, when do you not
feel frustrated when you can'thelp someone,
Client (30:24):
Oh, when they seem to have a plan or something of
their own figured out, like, no,they're not just still hanging
hanging on, you know?
Valerie Friedlander (30:39):
And I would imagine that's when they have a
plan that you trust, that makessense to you.
Client (30:46):
Yes, I would say on my more unhealed days, when my ego
is not, you know, driving thecar, it's like, okay, they have
a plan, like they're good,they're not in crisis mode
anymore. They're not panickinglike it's fine. That feels good
on days where my ego is in thedriver's seat, the plan has to
(31:07):
make sense to me, or to be like,okay, yes, this is actually
going to solve the problem.
They're not going to be comingback to me for the same shit in
a couple of weeks.
Valerie Friedlander (31:20):
And I would highlight with that, especially
just that, that terminology theego, so that sense of self, the
circle of self is, is where wethink of the ego being okay, but
this is a threatened ego. Thisis a an ego that feels dan... in
danger. So what that oftenindicates is that there is some
(31:42):
danger that you experience bythem not being well or having
what they need, like it somehowfeels threatening to you.
Client (31:52):
I think, because it's exhausting, right, like when You
have that person that'sconstantly in need, and it seems
to me as if they're not helpingthemselves. It becomes because,
like you want to be there forthem, but they're in their cycle
or their spiral, and you know,you can only spiral this one for
(32:15):
so long.
Valerie Friedlander (32:17):
How much are they asking you for help
when that's the case?
Client (32:20):
Um, I think that is usually the ask of, like, energy
and time of someone, just like,they want to vent or rant and
they don't necessarily want asolution or to brainstorm
problem solving, which soundsterrible, but it's also like, I,
like, I can't, I don't have anhour all the time to sit here
(32:45):
and be like, yeah. Like, thatsucks. Like, yeah, that's
terrible. You know, it's like,okay, well, we can do about
this. Like, how can we turn thisaround and move on, or move
forward, or whatever, yeah, ormaybe selling a terrible
Valerie Friedlander (33:02):
No no, because it's it is about having
those boundaries and being clearon what your energetic capacity
is. Because if you have areduced energetic capacity, and
you have someone who needs thatkind of space, this is that
slippery slope for level four isthat oftentimes, when the focus
(33:23):
is on caring for other people,you're not necessarily clear on
what your capacity is, and soyou will go over your capacity
without realizing it. And thenyou're running on empty. And
then naturally, you're in selfpreservation mode, which is one
and two.
Client (33:39):
Okay.
Valerie Friedlander (33:40):
And so that helps protect you from I'm now
at zero. My gas tank is empty. Ihave poured all the everything
out and and just like beinghungry or tired or whatever,
like when our bodies aredepleted, we are much more
(34:01):
vigilant towards potentialdanger, because we are much more
vulnerable when we are in thatkind of state. So it makes sense
to be in a protective spacewhere you would have your ego
get in the driver's seat, as itwere, because that's what you
(34:21):
need to protect yourself whenyou're at you've reached
capacity, so having an awarenessof your capacity so you can
allocate space for the thingsthat are important to you. So if
it is important to you thatyou're giving space now, then
again, it can also be whensomebody's coming to you and
they're constantly complainingabout things and not actually
(34:43):
doing anything. This is where aboundary comes in. And I care
about you. I have listened andI'm willing to support you doing
a thing I can't continue tolisten to the same thing over
and over again.
Client (34:57):
Yeah.
Valerie Friedlander (35:00):
But I'm here when you're ready to do
something right that takes a lotof again, that's more of that
level three or even level five,you can say, I'm not going to
enable you to keep spinning.
That's level five, like I needto take care of me, and by
removing myself from thisspinning that you're doing, I'm
not going to participate. Sohopefully you will realize that
(35:21):
you need to do something aboutit, right? So that can be a
level five approach versus alevel three approach, where it's
like, I just need to like,
Client (35:29):
Yeah.
Valerie Friedlander (35:32):
right. So, so that would be the difference.
And this is where bringing thoselevels in, instead of the level
right now, you're using leveltwo to fend them, because you
will four until you're depleted,and then two has to take over.
Does that...
Client (35:51):
Sounds right.
Valerie Friedlander (35:52):
Okay, yeah, so, okay, level five, which is
you believe that there is a realpurpose to life, and that
everything has a place and ishere for a reason. You make the
most out of every opportunitypresented, whether it is
positive or negative. What I'mcurious about at this level,
(36:16):
what does it mean to you foreverything to work out for the
best?
Client (36:22):
Oh, it's kind of like that sentiment of like, you know
what's meant for you will cometo you. I don't know if,
honestly, it's probably justsomething I tell myself to get
on to the next thing you know,you hear it enough, and you're
just like, okay, yeah, I reallywanted XYZ to work out, and it
didn't. But maybe that's for thebest. Like, it has to be for the
(36:45):
best, because to think anythingelse would just it doesn't help
anything, right? It would justdrain your energy. Versus, like,
Okay, you're like, Okay, if thatwasn't meant for me. Like, move
on to the next thing. You justkind of keep going moving
forward versus the spiral.
Valerie Friedlander (37:04):
What would it look like for you to apply
that? Because it sounds likewhen you when you're applying
that, you're applying it tosomething that's happening to
you, a situation that you'renavigating. What would it look
like to apply that to thesepeople?
Client (37:21):
I don't know, because when you're going through
something and you're complainingto someone, if they're just
like, oh, everything happens forthe best, you'd want to punch
them in the face. Like, I feellike I would want to punch
Valerie Friedlander (37:29):
So it's not saying that to them. Yes, that's
someone.
true and that, you know, I mean,there's a lot of stuff there.
There's like, the toxicpositivity and all of that sort
of thing, um. I mean, that'slike a whole podcast episode. I
think I might even have some onthat. But, um, but for you in
(37:50):
terms of being able to protectyour energetic capacity, if you
were able to trust that whateverneeds to happen for them is
going to happen like basicallyapply what you just applied for
(38:15):
yourself to them, notnecessarily saying it to them,
but energetically for you. Whatwould that look like?
Client (38:22):
I think that'd be very helpful. I think sometimes I
will try to, like, have themcome to that realization on
their own by asking them certainquestions, right? Just being
like, well, like, what were youexcited about? What were you
worried about when it came tothis thing? Or, like, oh, it
seemed like this is notsomething that you really
wanted. It's like, you know,don't be so upset about it.
(38:45):
Without saying that, of course,I'm just like, oh, well, now you
have more time to do this otherthing that they may have
mentioned, right? It's just adifferent level of mental
gymnastics, really.
Valerie Friedlander (39:00):
So what I heard you do there was you want
them to do it first.
Client (39:09):
Right. So I'm not the one who's like, oh, maybe it's
for the best.
Valerie Friedlander (39:14):
Yeah, well, no, but I don't even mean that,
like we're not even talkingabout saying it to them. You
want them to come to therealization so you can let go of
the responsibility. If theydon't come to it first, you feel
a responsibility to continueholding them.
Client (39:31):
Yes.
Valerie Friedlander (39:33):
Okay, so the invitation here is with your
thing you are able to put itdown. You What would it take for
you to put them down?
Client (39:50):
I don't know. Like, they're your friends or your
family. Like, aren't yousupposed to, like, carry them
until they can stand?
Valerie Friedlander (39:59):
Not if carrying them is keeping them
from learning what they need tolearn, and depleting you and
your ability to carry yourthings and other people who are
looking for the support you haveto offer.
Client (40:19):
Do you have the answer?
I don't know.
Valerie Friedlander (40:23):
So some of it may be practice. And this is,
this is again, where theinvitation is to look at, to
notice when it's happening, andin that moment, because it's
hard to do when you're not inthe moment, but in that moment,
think of this conversation, andthink what would it looked like
if I trusted that, regardless ofwhether they can see it right
(40:46):
now, the universe will carrythem. I don't have to.
Client (40:49):
I love it. What would Valerie do? Got it? I'm kidding.
Valerie Friedlander (40:57):
I've had clients say they need a
wristband that says that. AndI'm like, that's on you. You can
make that not I'm not puttingthat one.
Client (41:05):
No, but I still, I do like that, that POV, or that
permission, right? Of just beinglike, okay, like, they'll be
fine. And also, it's not all onme. It's all like, I'm not the
only person in the world thatthey're talking to. You know
what I mean? Like, calm down,dude. Like,
Valerie Friedlander (41:27):
Yeah, well, it's it. It is, again, that. And
you've even said you're willingto help when there is something
to do, when they're actuallywilling to take action to change
the circumstances, what you'rerunning out of capacity for is
listening to them,
Client (41:44):
Right.
Valerie Friedlander (41:45):
Listening to them level one. So to be able
to say, I'm you will spend justfine without me also spinning
with you. I don't need to joinyou in this.
Client (42:00):
Yeah.
Valerie Friedlander (42:01):
So it's just, it's an exploration. So
it's not even necessarily to sayto do something different. It's
just to take a moment to whenyou're in it, to reflect on what
that might look like and seewhat comes forward. So that's
something that can happen incoaching, is that we'll look at
that and we'll set anexperiment, essentially to see,
(42:23):
well, what would it look like totry this and see what happens?
Because oftentimes this sort ofthing is rooted in a sense of
safety. When you were younger,at some point, you felt like you
were responsible for somebodyelse's feelings, someone who
would care for you. So if youcouldn't care for them, then
they wouldn't be able to carefor you, or you wouldn't be
(42:44):
carefull-a-bull.
Client (42:45):
Yeah.
Valerie Friedlander (42:46):
And that feels unsafe, so it has to do
often, with a sense, like a deepsense of unsafety. If I don't
continue caring for this personin this way, if I put them down,
they'll leave me.
Client (43:01):
Right.
Valerie Friedlander (43:02):
They'll, you know, some sort of story
about what will happen and andit can feel a real sense of
danger, which is where yoursurvival mode kicks in, level
one, level two, to protect youfrom that danger.
Client (43:15):
This is awesome. I think just the awareness alone, you
know, it's a huge shift,because, like, you know you're
tired and you know you'reannoyed at things, but to be
like, Okay, what specifically isdraining you and what in that
moment?
Valerie Friedlander (43:30):
Yeah, and even just noticing it sometimes
can take its power to be like,Oh, this is that pattern. So
we'll move to level six. Levelsix, you feel a connection to
everyone and everything andexperience a synergy working
with others that is highlymotivating and sparks your
creative and intuitive abilityto make things happen. You are
(43:51):
living a powerful, purposefullife, and those closest to you
are part of you and help createand shape who you are.
Client (43:58):
Bomb
Valerie Friedlander (43:59):
Where does that show up for you? When do
you feel that?
Client (44:04):
Um, when I'm like, It's gonna sound so absurd, honestly,
like in my DMs, in thesecommunities that I'm in, because
when I'm sharing my work andpeople are responding to it, or
we're talking to a response,conversation, engagement,
connection. It feels veryaligned and very fulfilling.
(44:28):
Talking to my husband about thethings that I'm working on, like
his excitement around it, orlike just his support, is very
fulfilling.
Valerie Friedlander (44:37):
Okay, so I'm in the interest of time,
given this is podcast length,it's the reason I usually do
these sessions is 90 minutes,because I love to just, like,
really dig in. So we can alwaystalk more afterwards. But I'm
going to touch on level seven.
We're not going to explore itvery much, because, again, this
(44:59):
is one that we like tap into,but we don't really stay there
with level seven. This resonatesfor you in a you are obviously
passionate about what you do.
You're a creator and a visionaryfilled with a sense of love and
appreciation for your place inlife. You create your life in
each moment. We often hit onthese in moments, often in a
(45:22):
creative moment, but it couldbe, you know, the stop and smell
the flowers and that space whereyou're just like in the awe of
the of the world and creation.
So it's not necessarily a spacethat we stay in all the time. So
based on all of this, thepattern that I see that is
serving you, that's working foryou is that you are connected to
a creative flow and an intuitivesense of what you want to
(45:47):
create. Others come to you, andwhether they are joyful or
struggling. Working together,you experience a synergy that
enhances the creativeexperience. You feel a sense of
purposefulness in the process,but particularly so when you
learn that the experience youwere part of helped someone
overcome a struggle they werehaving.
Client (46:09):
Yes, absolutely.
Valerie Friedlander (46:11):
So that is where I see, is really where
you're shining right now? Well,it's working well for you, is
when you tap into that.
Client (46:19):
Yeah.
Valerie Friedlander (46:20):
Okay, so shall we? I know we've hit a
little bit on the places thatare stuck, because they all play
together, right? Like they'reall there. I honed into a few
places where that catabolicenergy is really standing out.
So I will go over those patternsand and then we'll take a look
(46:41):
at that. So what I see for youis that you feel a heavy sense
of responsibility and feel verydisappointed when things don't
go your way, especially when itcomes to helping others, there
may be some guilt or fear ofletting people down, and some
stories around what it meansabout you if you let people
down, which creates a pressureto be right so you don't let
(47:05):
people down. You may replayevents over and over, wishing
you'd acted differently. It's aessentially acts as a way to
punish yourself, which naturallyleads you to avoid making
decisions when you're uncertainfor fear of the pain of being
wrong or disappointed that youknow you do to yourself, and
it's kind of like again, like Isaid, the a way of punishing
(47:28):
yourself for not getting itright, or disappointing
somebody. You maintain highexpectations and hold on to
hurts to try and protectyourself from people taking
advantage of you. You may feelguilty for having boundaries
when you get hurt. You beatyourself up for not protecting
yourself better, or for notworking hard enough when you
(47:48):
don't get what you want. Whatstands out to you about that?
Client (47:52):
All of it? Hi, it's me.
I don't know why you have toread me like that, Valerie.
Valerie Friedlander (47:58):
Yeah, so this is not just you common with
the dynamics that are in yourchart. The cool thing about this
is it's not who you are. Is oneof the reasons I love this
assessment is it's not sayingthis is your personality, this
is the way you are, who you are.
This is the way your lens isfunctioning right now that gets
(48:20):
you caught. So these are thepatterns. Patterns can be
changed when we understand thepattern, we can notice where
it's showing up, when it'sshowing up, and recognize that
it is not you, it's not who youare. It is a pattern that you
learned that served you for somereason. And again, a lot of this
(48:44):
is self protection. So the heavysense of responsibility often
comes from a need to protectyourself. So to be right, we
learn the tool of shame to keepourselves in order, because
that's what was used on us askids to keep us in order. So
(49:04):
whatever that order is, so weshame ourselves to prevent
ourselves from making the samemistake again, without really
understanding why we did thething that may not have actually
been a mistake. It may have beena thing that was done for a
reason that just didn't work theway we were conditioned to think
(49:24):
it would.
Client (49:28):
Yeah.
Valerie Friedlander (49:30):
So maintaining those high
expectations, again, that's away of utilizing your fight
response to protect yourselffrom the energy depletion that
happens when you feel thatweight of responsibility. So
both helps you hold the weightof responsibility, beat yourself
up when you so called drop thatresponsibility, or keeps you
(49:55):
able you know that cortisol,adrenaline, you. Uh, you know,
if you're holding up a car, youneed that fight energy, you need
that adrenaline and cortisol toto keep the person from under
it, from getting squashed, andit helps you continue to hold
it, because it feels like it'syour responsibility to hold it,
(50:16):
except the other person isn'tcrawling out from under the car.
Client (50:20):
Yeah.
Valerie Friedlander (50:22):
So there's a utility to there. So then it
can be, well, how true is itthat they're going to get
squished if I put this car down,what resources do I need to be
able to put the car down? Maybeit's finding blocks that go, you
know, hey, can you send someblocks over? We'll put the car
on some blocks, and then I canput it down. So it's
(50:45):
understanding what the patternis and then finding a way to
support yourself as you shiftit. So what do you think about
giving this pattern a name?
Client (50:56):
Oh.
Valerie Friedlander (50:58):
so if we said, you know this pattern is,
you feel a heavy sense ofresponsibility. Feel guilty
about being tired and notwanting to carry that
responsibility, fear of lettingpeople down, and what it means
about you if you let people downwhen you do, replaying events
(51:20):
over and over, wishing you'dacted differently, to punish
yourself, to push yourself tonot do that again. So you keep
holding that rate ofresponsibility and maintaining
high expectations and holding onto hurt, to prevent other people
from also having you hold themup, but then you feel guilty for
(51:41):
saying no to that, and beatyourself up for not doing better
and being able to hold up allthe cars. I'm tired just
listening to you describe. Sowhat do you want to call that?
Client (51:56):
I would call that, Debbie.
Valerie Friedlander (51:58):
Sorry to any Debbie listening.
Client (52:01):
Debbie Downer. I feel like it's a downer, right?
Valerie Friedlander (52:05):
That's true. Yeah, yeah. All right, so
this is Debbie. We we name thepattern so that we separate it
from yourself, kind of like whenwe talk about inner critics, we
give the inner critic a separateidentity. We recognize that the
inner critic is there to protectus. This Debbie. Debbie Downer
is there to help you, but she'snot really doing a very good
(52:27):
job. Um, when you can noticewhen Debbie has shown up, you
can look at where is the helpthat you are needing? What is
she there to do?
Client (52:36):
Right.
Valerie Friedlander (52:38):
And is that really what you want her to be
doing?
Client (52:43):
Put down the car.
Valerie Friedlander (52:44):
Debbie, yeah. And so then it's taking
some of those other levels andexploring them a little bit,
including, all right, let'sexplore level three. Sometimes
we can't get to level five, butsometimes level five feels more
accessible. It's really whatmakes the most sense for you, if
you can tap into this universalenergy, and I get the sense a
lot of people, I would tend togo to level three of like, all
(53:06):
right, how do we release thecatabolic energy that may be
that rationalization, and youmay use that sometimes, I do
wonder if you might find iteasier, since you use level five
for yourself, It sounds likethat trust in the universe, that
connectedness that you feelbecause level six is so strong
for you, and it's right betweenfour and six, right? So I wonder
(53:31):
if that would be moreaccessible.
Client (53:33):
I think for no just because I've been working like,
I've been reading a lot aboutspirituality and just kind of
like getting into thatmindfulness and being present
and releasing control typevibes, Debbie vibes. So, yeah,
Valerie Friedlander (53:48):
Okay, so on a scale of one to 10, how
interested are you in releasingDebbie from her job? Find it
finding out Debbie replacement?
One being not interested 10being, like 100% totally
interested.
Client (54:03):
Probably like an eight, 8.8
Valerie Friedlander (54:07):
Yeah.
Client (54:08):
What makes it not a seven? Because, like, I don't
like her enough to keep her at aseven.
Valerie Friedlander (54:21):
Gotcha.
What makes it not a nine?
Client (54:24):
It's a safety it's like you were saying, right? Like,
this is something that she'shere to help keep me safe. So
it's like, okay, well, yeah,
Valerie Friedlander (54:37):
Yeah. So that's important to look at so
that you know you can explore.
Is there another way to feelsafe?
Client (54:47):
Yeah.
Valerie Friedlander (54:49):
Right, because that's where the gap is
between letting Debbie go. Isfinding those ways of what what
will help you feel safe?
Client (55:00):
Right.
Valerie Friedlander (55:02):
And maybe it's a different way of thinking
about it, and maybe it's astrategic thing. It just depends
on the situation. But only onceyou are noticing where she's
showing up will you be able tonotice, okay, this is what I
want to try to see if I cancultivate a sense of safety here
and what, or even I'm going totry this and see what happens,
because this risk seems ratherlow to put that one down.
Client (55:22):
I love this because it touches on so many things,
right? Like, I've I'veidentified that the people
pleaser in me is the responselike a worthiness boon, and my
need to, like, solve people'sproblems and go above and beyond
is because I feel like theywon't care about me or won't be
friends with me if I'm notgiving them something or not
providing value to them. And sobeing able to be like, Yeah,
(55:46):
that sucks, and not do anythingfor them, and step away and
still have a connection or afriendship, or, you know,
whatever it may be, like, that'sthe fear, right? Like, that's
the like, oh, like, if I'm not,if I'm not doing, then what are
they getting? Then why will theylike? What will keep them coming
(56:07):
around? You know? So,
Valerie Friedlander (56:11):
Yeah.
Client (56:12):
Yeah. I was not expecting all of this insight on
this Monday, but this is great.
Valerie Friedlander (56:18):
Happy Monday. Yeah. Awesome. All
right, well, so that is thedebrief. And then what I will
generally do with folks is sendthem the recording for them to
download. I don't do anythingwith it, except this time I
will, because we agreed on that.
Sometimes people just do this asa standalone sometimes they say
they want to keep working.
(56:41):
Sometimes they get it as part ofa package, and then we go from
there with coaching around it toactually work on those specific
things where this is showing upand whatever their goals were
for coaching.
Client (56:51):
Amazing.
Valerie Friedlander (56:53):
That's what it looks like. Thank you so
much. It is such a pleasure tosupport you with this one.
Client (56:59):
Thank you, this was great.
Valerie Friedlander (57:01):
I hope this conversation gave you a deeper
sense of what's possible when weunderstand our own energy
patterns. If you're feelingcurious about your own results,
don't forget, I'm offering $150off the energy leadership index
assessment and debrief throughApril 30 or until I reach
capacity. Whichever comes first,the assessment is normally $345,
(57:23):
and includes a 90 minute consultwith me, plus the follow up
discount if you'd like continuedcoaching support in a follow up
a few months after the debrief,you just heard this client
shared she feels more steady inher path and has more patience.
The stressors in her lifehaven't gone away, but they
don't knock her off course theway they used to. These are
(57:45):
challenging times, and I believetools like this can help us show
up more clearly, calmly and inalignment with who we really
want to be and what we want tocreate in the world. You can use
the code April Eli to book, andthe link is in the show notes,
as always, please feel free toreach out if you have any
questions, any comments,thoughts, things you'd like to
(58:07):
explore further. I love to hearfrom you. You can send me an
email. There is a link in theshow notes to send me a text, or
you can also put a note on theepisode. I love to hear from
you, and I will talk to you allnext time.
Hello, my friends, and welcome to another
(00:03):
episode of Mindset unlimited.
Today we are talking aboutwhat's really draining your
energy. An inside look into theELI debrief. Eli stands for
energy leadership index, and thedebrief is what you get after
you take the assessment. We dothe debrief, because it's really
necessary to be able tounderstand the assessment. Since
(00:24):
this is an attitudinalassessment rather than a
personality assessment, part ofwhat we're doing is looking at
the lens that you perceive theworld through, and if you just
do that by yourself, you'reperceiving through your normal
lens the report, and it's justnot possible to go quite as deep
and get as robust andunderstanding of yourself and of
(00:47):
the patterns that are presentand that are showing up. So
having the debrief is reallyimportant now. Reason I wanted
to share this with you isbecause this isn't a super well
known assessment, and I thinkit's really helpful when you're
considering investing inyourself, that you have an
(01:08):
understanding of what exactlyyou're getting. What does that
look like? What is the value?
How is this supportive? I calledthis episode, what's really
draining your energy? Because ifyou are someone who is feeling
emotionally drained tends tosecond guess yourself, feeling
stuck in a cycle of overresponsibility and burnout.
(01:28):
Maybe you identify as arecovering people pleaser. This
episode is definitely going toresonate now. Everybody's going
to have a different experiencewith the ELI, different results
from the Eli. I talk a littlebit about that in this episode.
This episode, but if you want todive more into the framework, I
have a couple other episodes,including the episode from
(01:49):
earlier this month, that I digfurther into the framework so
that you can take the frameworkand utilize it. I love this
tool. I have had clients wholove this they've contacted me
years later and told me how theframework itself has been so
helpful in being able to createshifts in their life. Some of
(02:10):
them have redone the Eli andseeing the things that have
shifted over time and withdifferent experiences and
circumstances, what it lookslike at a different point in
their life. It's justfascinating. So if you are
listening to this and you'relike, I would really love to
(02:31):
better understand my ownpatterns, especially how stress
might be shaping your choices, Iwant you to know that I am
currently offering $150 discounton the energy leadership index
assessment. It's normally 345and with the code April Eli,
you'll receive the assessment,the report, a full 90 minute
(02:54):
debrief with me to unpack yourresults and a code for
discounted coaching sessions ifyou want the additional support
afterwards, I will make a notereal quick here that this
debrief is slightly shortenedbecause normally 90 minutes. I
wanted to try and keep thispodcast a little bit more
(03:14):
towards its normal length,though it is a little bit longer
than usual. Anyway, I'm offeringthis discount right now, because
we're living through a time ofrapid and often overwhelming
change and just a lot ofoverwhelming dynamics. And this
is a self awareness tool thatcan be incredibly grounding. Can
(03:37):
help you see where the stress isshaping your reactions and how
you can shift into moreintentional action, regardless
of the stressors, basicallyshifting from what you don't
have control over to what youdo. The code is good through
April 30, or until I reachcapacity, because it is an
(03:58):
intensive offering, and sowhichever comes first, that's
how long it will last. And nowlet's get into the example
debrief, so you can hear whatthis actually sounds like in
practice.
(04:19):
My goal with this assessmentwhen we go through it together,
is that you understand how thepatterns are showing up for you,
but also that you understand thelevels and how to engage them in
a way that actually meets youwhere you're at with each level,
because we are not one level orthe other level at any time, one
(04:40):
may have dominance in ourperception. So if you think of
it like colors, whatever one isdominant is going to infuse all
the other ones a little bitmore, but that dominant color is
also being infused by the othercolors as well. Because I sent
you the report ahead of time, soyou had a chance to look it over
a little bit. Do. But not spendtoo much time overthinking it.
(05:03):
So we'll start with, what do youhope to achieve from this
assessment?
Client (05:09):
Honestly, just a little bit more self awareness as to
like, why I approach things, orcome to think of things in the
way that I do, and notnecessarily if it's good or bad,
but what adjustments or changesor shifts can I make to be more
in line with where I want to be?
I supposeI think it would reserve
more energy for things that were
Valerie Friedlander (05:29):
If you had the knowledge to make shifts
more fulfilling and productive.
You know what I mean? I thinkthe negative self talk, or like,
(05:50):
the negative approach to thingsis more draining, and that would
be the only thing I could thinkof off the top of my head?
Yeah, no,that makes a lot of sense. I'm
curious, if you had more energyfor the things that you wanted,
(06:11):
what difference would that make,do you imagine in your health
and wellness?
Client (06:16):
Oh, huge. I think it would change everything,
honestly and like, the way Iparent, the way I show up in my
relationships, even in my myfield, my business, I feel like
when I've been physically morefit and, like, more active, I've
had more energy, and thereforethere's more waking hours in the
day for me to do the things thatI want to do, versus there being
(06:40):
hours in the day where I'm Justwaiting until we can go to sleep
so I can rest.
Valerie Friedlander (06:44):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely, yep. And when you
are more tired, your body isalso more reactive, right? So it
kind of feeds on itself. Whatdifference do you think it would
make in your sense of ability tobe a leader or your leadership?
Client (07:03):
was not as tired as I feel and am, I think it would
enable me to process andcommunicate more efficiently. So
as ideas come, I'd probably beable to compute them, put them
(07:27):
together and share them in ashorter time span than it takes.
Now, I feel like leaders arekind of like on top of it in
that way, and consistent. Ithink consistency is kind of
that would help you be more inalignment with where you want to
hard when your energy levels arefluctuating. And then, you know,
if you add the layer of hormonesinto it, it's just a it's a fun
(07:47):
guessing game.
Valerie Friedlander (07:49):
Yeah, yeah.
All right, that. So I ask aboutthose things, because part of
the questionnaire involvescertain things where you're
feeling more satisfied or lesssatisfied in life. And so I kind
of look at, what are we lookingat really understanding? So
that's part of where thosequestions come from. And then so
I'm hearing there may be somestories around being tired as
(08:11):
well that play into, like youmentioned the negative self talk
and that sort of thing. And soone thing about being tired, we
have a lot of stories aroundproductivity in our society. And
so especially when you havehormonal shifts, or when you
(08:32):
have energy dynamics, which canbe mindset, but they can also be
physical. And those two willplay together based on those
stories. So that's somethingthat I did notice, and is pretty
common with the energeticprofile that I'm seeing for you.
So it makes a lot of sense thatthat would be a big thing for
(08:54):
you. So I'm curious, what didyou notice when you looked at
your report?
Client (09:06):
I think it was one of those, like, hope for the best
situations. And it's like, oh,maybe I will get more of the
lean. I think it was like sevenor eight level, but I felt like
it was more on the nose. I don'tknow. I was just like, Yeah,
this, this feels accurate, likeI have a level of self
(09:28):
awareness. Was like, yeah, likeyou, you know. So I don't, I
don't know if I had any specificexpectations and taking the
report, it was more of just likea FAAFO, you know, let's mess
around and find out. Yeah, thecards fall.
Valerie Friedlander (09:49):
Was there anything that stood out to you
when you looked at it?
Client (09:54):
I think it was surprised, like the dip in the
middle, right? Like. Uh, one andtwo was high, and then I think
seven or eight was a little bitmore, but the ones in the middle
were pretty low, and I was justlike, Oh, I didn't expect there
to be such contrast.
Valerie Friedlander (10:14):
Yeah, so that's one of the things I like
to emphasize, is so there aretwo parts, since we're not,
nobody's looking at your chartright now. They're they're
hearing us talk about it. Thereare two pieces to the chart. One
is your energetic profile, andthe other is your energetic
stress reaction. And so yourenergetic stress reaction is, is
(10:38):
what happens when a stressoroccurs. And it could be
something that lasts a minute, amoment to days, depending on
what that stressor is and howit's impacting you. So that is
pretty much always going to be aone, level one, or level two or
(10:58):
both, because that's thatsurvival mode. Essentially, one
and two exist in what's calledthe circle of self, and I'll
be. What difference do you thinkthat would make in your life?
have links to pictures in theshow notes for everybody who's
listening. One and two are thoseI need to protect myself. So one
(11:20):
tends to be that, like life'shappening to me, and two is, I'm
going to stop you, becauseyou're doing this to me. So like
life is happening to me and I'mpowerless to you're happening to
me, and that's no longer goingto be the case, like I need to
win and you need to lose. That'san either or binary kind of
(11:41):
situation, the blinders havegone on. There's no choice here.
There's just right or wrong,right. When we get into your
energetic profile, those two canbe present, and this is more how
life is normally going for you.
So it's like, this is yourgeneral color palette, or mix of
colors, the colors that go intothe lenses that you perceive.
(12:07):
And then when stress happens, wescored in a whole bunch of red
and or gray, depending on whichlevel shows up. So that's the
dynamic what I see in yourchart. And so I'm going to touch
on a little bit about, like thethe general pattern that is
common with this combination.
(12:30):
And then we look at thedifferent levels and how they
may be showing up for you. Istart with the what's called
anabolic levels. So foreverybody listening, a good
precursor to this episode is thesecond episode of my podcast,
which is about your more thanyour personality test. So this
(12:52):
one, so we're talking about thecatabolic levels, which is that
stress response, so breakingdown, limiting, reducing,
constricting. So we usually, inthis debrief, talk about your
more anabolic levels, the oneswhere we're releasing the
catabolic energy. We're startingto build, we're starting to to
(13:13):
expand. I emphasize that none ofthese levels are good or bad.
They are all there for a reason,and they're showing up to
support you the way that youknow or have learned to support
yourself. So it's notnecessarily good to be more
(13:35):
level seven, sometimes that canshow a disassociation with
reality, honestly. Okay, sobecause level seven is is more
like your meditative state,okay, more access to it can help
you access the other levels moreconsciously. But we don't reside
there as human beings in humanbodies, so it's not a good or
(14:00):
bad thing. This isn't about whoyou are. It's how you're
experiencing life right now andthe lens that you're perceiving
the world through. Okay, so anyquestions at this point?
Client (14:13):
No, this is great. I think I just I pulled up my
chart. I don't know what I'msaying. Tired. Go figure. I'm
just really interested to seewhat you have to say about this.
Valerie Friedlander (14:25):
Okay, so the overarching pattern that I
see within your profile, andjust to explain so your primary
is level four, and then you havethree levels that are all the
same percentages, okay? And youmight be like, Well, what does
that mean? They're all the same,so we give greater weight to the
(14:47):
more catabolic energies. So theand I hate to say lower
energies, because I think thatgives a negative connotation,
which again, plays into thecatabolic stuff. But the more
constricted energies are, whatwe give more weight to, because
that tends to pull your focus.
So when you have percentagesthat are all the same, we're
(15:12):
going to look at the ones thatare the lower levels. So we've
got one, two and six all havethe same percentages. So I would
say your secondary is level one,your tertiary is level two, and
then your worthy area. I don'tactually know the word for that.
It is level six. What that showsme is that you have three top
(15:35):
levels that are very emotional.
Even numbers tend to be moreemotional, and your odd numbers
tend to be more logical. So whenwe think of and I'm gonna run
through the levels just realquick, for folks who are
listening, level one is, I'm avictim. Life's happening to me.
(15:57):
I am powerless. Level two is, Iwin, you lose. So for me to be
okay, you have to lose. It'slike your fight response. Level
three is when you start to comeout of that circle of self into
more of a circle self mastery.
This is where you start torelease the catabolic energy
through rationalization. It's Iwin, but hopefully you do too.
So it doesn't have to be aneither or situation. You're
(16:19):
like, I'm gonna find a way to beokay. I do me. You do you. I can
find the silver lining. I canmake lemonade out of lemons. So
that whole thing is level three,and it involves a lot of that
rationalization, brain power,figure it out, tolerate it. All
of that. Level four is you win.
(16:41):
So I'm going to focus on caringfor you. I'm going to give to
you. I find with a lot ofpeople, I work with people
pleasers, stuff with fawnresponse can be a lot in level
four. So instead of just I'mbeing of service, it is, I'm
going to take care of you sothat you take care of me. And
when that doesn't happen, levelone or level two will activate.
(17:04):
So this is, I'm focused on, you,you're you winning is my win.
But again, this is where it canget a murky. Level five is where
we get to the Win. Win. We bothwin, or we don't play. This is
the level of opportunity.
Everything is an opportunity,whether it's something I wanted
or something I didn't want, it'sall an opportunity. Again. This
is like, if you think ofaccounting, this is like, where
(17:27):
you can make everything makesense. It all comes together. I
There's a lot of logic. I callit the scientist level, level
six. We're heading into thecircle self transcendence, and
this is where we always win,just playing the game we win. So
it's not a you know, either welike we either we both win or we
(17:51):
don't play. It's by playing wealways win, right? And so funny
that one two and six, I got tosay one, because they all feel
so opposite of each other. Soit's not necessarily the that
they're opposite, it's thatthey're interacting. And so this
is what I like to emphasize,even though I'm going to go
(18:14):
through each level individually,so that you understand the
level, understanding how theyinteract shows you the pattern
of how it's playing in yourlife. So that's what we're
really looking for, is thepatterns. So what's the pattern
that's working for you rightnow? And it may be a pattern
(18:34):
that's working for you, and maybe like, You know what? Actually
that pattern, it's working, butit's not working right? Like,
not always Is it working the wayyou want it to be working. But
when you can understand how it'sworking, then you can go, Well,
this is where it's showing up,and this is what I want to try.
Well maybe, what would it looklike if I brought a little more
level five in? It's almost likegoing to the optometrist and be
(18:57):
like, does this look clear, orthis one, this one, or this one,
so you can kind of play with itand and essentially use your
imagination and your creativityto explore other options that
might not have seemed asavailable to you because you
didn't understand what yourpattern was. Now, I know my
pattern. I know that this levelis playing. What would it look
(19:17):
like if this other level showedup? What? What would it look
like if I brought it forward,and then you're using that
imagination to explore it andgo, Well, you know, if this
level showed up, then this couldhappen. Well, what could I do to
explore that in a way that wouldfeel safe. So especially if
(19:40):
level one is active, it may be,what do I need to care for
myself because my level one isactive instead of, this is true.
This is what's real. Oh, Irecognize this pattern. What
supports me when I'm feelingthis way, right? So there it
takes some. The judgment out Ihave noticed, yeah, so to look
(20:01):
at that for you, we are seeingthe four and one playing
together, which, again, thattends to show me that you care
very deeply about people andthat you may take on things as
your responsibility that aren'tactually your responsibility.
(20:22):
And so it creates a sense ofpowerlessness, because you want
to help, you want to be therefor people. There's a deep
importance. And then there'salso a viewpoint that something
is broken, or someone is broken,and that something is wrong, and
if you can't do something aboutit, especially if it's not yours
to do something about it,creates a sense of powerlessness
(20:43):
that can feel kind of like avortex. Okay, the amount of
Level Two suggests that part ofhow you may be pulling yourself
out of that vortex is by blamingthe other person or the
situation and using your angerto keep your yourself going,
right? Because that level, leveltwo is like a burst of energy.
(21:07):
You can motivate yourself withlevel two, it has a lot of power
to get ish done.
Client (21:15):
Yeah, I've definitely, I'm guess I'm anger to start a
lot of things, and then Ihaven't been able to sustain it,
obviously, yeah, like, nothingcan sustain on anger. And so
things will fall out, fizzleout, and then I'm back to one
where I'm just like, Oh, I'm notgood at anything. Nothing works
out, right? And then when I getangry enough, and then I'll
(21:38):
start over,
Valerie Friedlander (21:40):
Yeah. And tell me if this is is accurate,
but part of where your anger maycome from is either for someone
else's situation or in order to,like, help somebody. Like,
there's an injustice, there'ssomething that isn't happening,
and so that's what fuels youranger to do something.
Client (22:01):
My god, yes, yeah. It's like, you know, someone else
isn't insulted, and I'm moreangry than the person who got
insulted, and I'm getting betterat being like if they're not
bothered. Why are you like, youknow, but it's hard,
Valerie Friedlander (22:17):
Yeah. So that is common with those level
dynamics, because what you'reused to right now is motivating
yourself through that fightresponse, and rather than
rejuvenating yourself, you usethat fight response for someone
(22:40):
else that level four I'm caringfor you to burst energy, but
that energy can't sustain, andso then you're tired, but then
you have a story about whyyou're tired and what's wrong
with you that you're tired.
Client (22:54):
Yep.
Valerie Friedlander (22:56):
Okay, so that makes sense with this
patterning, with six being yournext, basically what I see,
what's common with the four sixis that your energy is being
held back by the more catabolicenergies. Okay, okay, so four
six is actually not, I mean,it's not, not common, but it, it
(23:21):
basically says that you reallywant to be resonating more in
that heart connective space,yeah, but the those other energy
levels are pulling you down sothat it's really hard to be in
that space.
Client (23:37):
Yes, I feel this. Okay.
What do I do about it?
Valerie Friedlander (23:41):
So, so we're gonna take, we're gonna
take a look a little bit about,like, exactly how that's
playing, so that you have abetter understanding. And the
goal of this assessment is thatyou can see the patterns, okay,
so that you can then use thetool of the levels to explore,
okay. How do I show updifferently? And then, of
(24:02):
course, this is what I use whenI work with people. When I'm
coaching with people, we holdthat space in this awareness so
that I'm essentially coachingthe energy versus telling you
what to do, it's helping youutilize that tool and also
holding space for okay. Irecognize that this is that
pattern. What could we do toexpand level three? Level three
(24:25):
is kind of how we pull out oflike, we release the catabolic
energy. So essentially, kind oflike what you just described,
actually, they're not this angrywiring. And so taking it further
to what would help you releasethat anger? It's really easy
(24:47):
when we're used to or reallycommon when we're used to using
that anger to motivate you don'tnecessarily want to release the
anger. I need this anger. Thisis helpful. What will I do if I.
Don't have it, and so findingwhere you can harness energy
differently, and this may pointto that too, because that level
(25:09):
six is part of where you getenergy. So I'm gonna just go
through real quick, because thisis a kind of an abbreviated
version, so I'm going to gothrough each level real quick
for you, and I'll ask a fewquestions within it. So if we go
to level three, which is lowerfor you, level three, what I see
(25:34):
here is that you try to choosehow you react to situations. You
look for the good aspects of aperson or situation, you strive
to accept other people as theyare without trying to change
them. And one of the things Ipick up with this is that you
found it to be a slippery slope,because when you are striving to
(25:55):
accept other people withouttrying to change them, sometimes
that means letting them get awaywith unacceptable behavior,
Client (26:03):
right,
Valerie Friedlander (26:04):
that you then beat yourself up for
allowing
Client (26:06):
Yeah,
Valerie Friedlander (26:08):
Okay, so what this emphasizes to me is
that boundary work may behelpful, because with level
four, there's a lot ofcompassion for people. You've
learned to block people whowould take advantage of that
(26:31):
with anger, and that helps youhold a boundary. So working on
boundary work such that youdon't have to use that level of
energy to hold the boundary,that there's more ability to to
allow people to either win ornot win, and that's okay,
(26:56):
without feeling responsible forthem winning or losing or in
their feelings. Okay, how doesthat hit? For you?
Client (27:05):
It resonates. I feel like that applies heavily. A lot
of my anger and boundaries isaround family, right? And so
it's just like, well, if they'renot going to fight for
themselves, Well, you know, whyam I going to hold on to it. And
then also, I don't know it's,it's like, one of those things
(27:27):
of like, do I confront thisperson and have an unproductive
conversation where I know I'mgoing to be stressed out and
just frustrated afterwards? Ordo I just set the boundary and,
like, walk away, and it is whatit is, you know? So I feel that,
yeah, I think the boundaries arethrough anger and they are
draining, you know, because it'slike I have to not say anything.
Will not have to, I choose tonot say anything for it to be
(27:52):
less of a drain.
Valerie Friedlander (27:54):
Yes, yeah.
So, so boundaries and lovingdetachment are the two things
that come to mind with this isthat it's the ability to tap
into some of the level five andsix, which is trusting that
everything works out the way itneeds to. You know, kind of the
(28:16):
bless and release. Emphasis onthe bless How do I bless them?
You know, whatever that meansfor you to trust that the
universe will care for them theway they need, and that you are
there when they are ready tohear something different.
Client (28:36):
Yeah,
Valerie Friedlander (28:38):
So that you retain that energy. But that's
that level a lot of that islevel three. Of this is bad,
what they're doing is bad. Whatthey're doing is wrong. What
they're doing is hurting them,what they're doing, whatever
story you are telling about whatthey're doing, to be able to say
and that is theirs, right? Yeah,and I can love them without
(29:01):
trying to manage that for them,which is hard. So that's, that's
where the work is, is thatswitch up? We haven't gone to
those levels yet, so, but that'slevel three is, is that like,
ultimately, I have to take careof me. I wish you well. I hope
the best for you. Right nowyou're using level two, because
(29:21):
it feels like an attack, becauseof how deeply you care about
people. So level four, what Isee for you here, and this is
your primary you feel great whenyou can help someone overcome a
problem. And people tend to cometo you with their problems. When
they do, you are more concernedwith how you can help them than
(29:43):
what they can do for you. It mayfeel safer to give than to
receive. It may also feel moreaccessible to give than to
receive. Because I'm getting theimpression, correct me, if I'm
wrong, that a lot of the peoplethat come to you, you don't
actually think, have the.
Capacity to give to you, okay,so that, and then you care
(30:03):
deeply and feel the need to fixproblems that you see. I'm
curious, when do you feelfrustrated if you can't help
some or, you know what? Let merephrase that, when do you not
feel frustrated when you can'thelp someone,
Client (30:24):
Oh, when they seem to have a plan or something of
their own figured out, like, no,they're not just still hanging
hanging on, you know?
Valerie Friedlander (30:39):
And I would imagine that's when they have a
plan that you trust, that makessense to you.
Client (30:46):
Yes, I would say on my more unhealed days, when my ego
is not, you know, driving thecar, it's like, okay, they have
a plan, like they're good,they're not in crisis mode
anymore. They're not panickinglike it's fine. That feels good
on days where my ego is in thedriver's seat, the plan has to
(31:07):
make sense to me, or to be like,okay, yes, this is actually
going to solve the problem.
They're not going to be comingback to me for the same shit in
a couple of weeks.
Valerie Friedlander (31:20):
And I would highlight with that, especially
just that, that terminology theego, so that sense of self, the
circle of self is, is where wethink of the ego being okay, but
this is a threatened ego. Thisis a an ego that feels dan... in
danger. So what that oftenindicates is that there is some
(31:42):
danger that you experience bythem not being well or having
what they need, like it somehowfeels threatening to you.
Client (31:52):
I think, because it's exhausting, right, like when You
have that person that'sconstantly in need, and it seems
to me as if they're not helpingthemselves. It becomes because,
like you want to be there forthem, but they're in their cycle
or their spiral, and you know,you can only spiral this one for
(32:15):
so long.
Valerie Friedlander (32:17):
How much are they asking you for help
when that's the case?
Client (32:20):
Um, I think that is usually the ask of, like, energy
and time of someone, just like,they want to vent or rant and
they don't necessarily want asolution or to brainstorm
problem solving, which soundsterrible, but it's also like, I,
like, I can't, I don't have anhour all the time to sit here
(32:45):
and be like, yeah. Like, thatsucks. Like, yeah, that's
terrible. You know, it's like,okay, well, we can do about
this. Like, how can we turn thisaround and move on, or move
forward, or whatever, yeah, ormaybe selling a terrible
Valerie Friedlander (33:02):
No no, because it's it is about having
those boundaries and being clearon what your energetic capacity
is. Because if you have areduced energetic capacity, and
you have someone who needs thatkind of space, this is that
slippery slope for level four isthat oftentimes, when the focus
(33:23):
is on caring for other people,you're not necessarily clear on
what your capacity is, and soyou will go over your capacity
without realizing it. And thenyou're running on empty. And
then naturally, you're in selfpreservation mode, which is one
and two.
Client (33:39):
Okay.
Valerie Friedlander (33:40):
And so that helps protect you from I'm now
at zero. My gas tank is empty. Ihave poured all the everything
out and and just like beinghungry or tired or whatever,
like when our bodies aredepleted, we are much more
(34:01):
vigilant towards potentialdanger, because we are much more
vulnerable when we are in thatkind of state. So it makes sense
to be in a protective spacewhere you would have your ego
get in the driver's seat, as itwere, because that's what you
(34:21):
need to protect yourself whenyou're at you've reached
capacity, so having an awarenessof your capacity so you can
allocate space for the thingsthat are important to you. So if
it is important to you thatyou're giving space now, then
again, it can also be whensomebody's coming to you and
they're constantly complainingabout things and not actually
(34:43):
doing anything. This is where aboundary comes in. And I care
about you. I have listened andI'm willing to support you doing
a thing I can't continue tolisten to the same thing over
and over again.
Client (34:57):
Yeah.
Valerie Friedlander (35:00):
But I'm here when you're ready to do
something right that takes a lotof again, that's more of that
level three or even level five,you can say, I'm not going to
enable you to keep spinning.
That's level five, like I needto take care of me, and by
removing myself from thisspinning that you're doing, I'm
not going to participate. Sohopefully you will realize that
(35:21):
you need to do something aboutit, right? So that can be a
level five approach versus alevel three approach, where it's
like, I just need to like,
Client (35:29):
Yeah.
Valerie Friedlander (35:32):
right. So, so that would be the difference.
And this is where bringing thoselevels in, instead of the level
right now, you're using leveltwo to fend them, because you
will four until you're depleted,and then two has to take over.
Does that...
Client (35:51):
Sounds right.
Valerie Friedlander (35:52):
Okay, yeah, so, okay, level five, which is
you believe that there is a realpurpose to life, and that
everything has a place and ishere for a reason. You make the
most out of every opportunitypresented, whether it is
positive or negative. What I'mcurious about at this level,
(36:16):
what does it mean to you foreverything to work out for the
best?
Client (36:22):
Oh, it's kind of like that sentiment of like, you know
what's meant for you will cometo you. I don't know if,
honestly, it's probably justsomething I tell myself to get
on to the next thing you know,you hear it enough, and you're
just like, okay, yeah, I reallywanted XYZ to work out, and it
didn't. But maybe that's for thebest. Like, it has to be for the
(36:45):
best, because to think anythingelse would just it doesn't help
anything, right? It would justdrain your energy. Versus, like,
Okay, you're like, Okay, if thatwasn't meant for me. Like, move
on to the next thing. You justkind of keep going moving
forward versus the spiral.
Valerie Friedlander (37:04):
What would it look like for you to apply
that? Because it sounds likewhen you when you're applying
that, you're applying it tosomething that's happening to
you, a situation that you'renavigating. What would it look
like to apply that to thesepeople?
Client (37:21):
I don't know, because when you're going through
something and you're complainingto someone, if they're just
like, oh, everything happens forthe best, you'd want to punch
them in the face. Like, I feellike I would want to punch
Valerie Friedlander (37:29):
So it's not saying that to them. Yes, that's
someone.
true and that, you know, I mean,there's a lot of stuff there.
There's like, the toxicpositivity and all of that sort
of thing, um. I mean, that'slike a whole podcast episode. I
think I might even have some onthat. But, um, but for you in
(37:50):
terms of being able to protectyour energetic capacity, if you
were able to trust that whateverneeds to happen for them is
going to happen like basicallyapply what you just applied for
(38:15):
yourself to them, notnecessarily saying it to them,
but energetically for you. Whatwould that look like?
Client (38:22):
I think that'd be very helpful. I think sometimes I
will try to, like, have themcome to that realization on
their own by asking them certainquestions, right? Just being
like, well, like, what were youexcited about? What were you
worried about when it came tothis thing? Or, like, oh, it
seemed like this is notsomething that you really
wanted. It's like, you know,don't be so upset about it.
(38:45):
Without saying that, of course,I'm just like, oh, well, now you
have more time to do this otherthing that they may have
mentioned, right? It's just adifferent level of mental
gymnastics, really.
Valerie Friedlander (39:00):
So what I heard you do there was you want
them to do it first.
Client (39:09):
Right. So I'm not the one who's like, oh, maybe it's
for the best.
Valerie Friedlander (39:14):
Yeah, well, no, but I don't even mean that,
like we're not even talkingabout saying it to them. You
want them to come to therealization so you can let go of
the responsibility. If theydon't come to it first, you feel
a responsibility to continueholding them.
Client (39:31):
Yes.
Valerie Friedlander (39:33):
Okay, so the invitation here is with your
thing you are able to put itdown. You What would it take for
you to put them down?
Client (39:50):
I don't know. Like, they're your friends or your
family. Like, aren't yousupposed to, like, carry them
until they can stand?
Valerie Friedlander (39:59):
Not if carrying them is keeping them
from learning what they need tolearn, and depleting you and
your ability to carry yourthings and other people who are
looking for the support you haveto offer.
Client (40:19):
Do you have the answer?
I don't know.
Valerie Friedlander (40:23):
So some of it may be practice. And this is,
this is again, where theinvitation is to look at, to
notice when it's happening, andin that moment, because it's
hard to do when you're not inthe moment, but in that moment,
think of this conversation, andthink what would it looked like
if I trusted that, regardless ofwhether they can see it right
(40:46):
now, the universe will carrythem. I don't have to.
Client (40:49):
I love it. What would Valerie do? Got it? I'm kidding.
Valerie Friedlander (40:57):
I've had clients say they need a
wristband that says that. AndI'm like, that's on you. You can
make that not I'm not puttingthat one.
Client (41:05):
No, but I still, I do like that, that POV, or that
permission, right? Of just beinglike, okay, like, they'll be
fine. And also, it's not all onme. It's all like, I'm not the
only person in the world thatthey're talking to. You know
what I mean? Like, calm down,dude. Like,
Valerie Friedlander (41:27):
Yeah, well, it's it. It is, again, that. And
you've even said you're willingto help when there is something
to do, when they're actuallywilling to take action to change
the circumstances, what you'rerunning out of capacity for is
listening to them,
Client (41:44):
Right.
Valerie Friedlander (41:45):
Listening to them level one. So to be able
to say, I'm you will spend justfine without me also spinning
with you. I don't need to joinyou in this.
Client (42:00):
Yeah.
Valerie Friedlander (42:01):
So it's just, it's an exploration. So
it's not even necessarily to sayto do something different. It's
just to take a moment to whenyou're in it, to reflect on what
that might look like and seewhat comes forward. So that's
something that can happen incoaching, is that we'll look at
that and we'll set anexperiment, essentially to see,
(42:23):
well, what would it look like totry this and see what happens?
Because oftentimes this sort ofthing is rooted in a sense of
safety. When you were younger,at some point, you felt like you
were responsible for somebodyelse's feelings, someone who
would care for you. So if youcouldn't care for them, then
they wouldn't be able to carefor you, or you wouldn't be
(42:44):
carefull-a-bull.
Client (42:45):
Yeah.
Valerie Friedlander (42:46):
And that feels unsafe, so it has to do
often, with a sense, like a deepsense of unsafety. If I don't
continue caring for this personin this way, if I put them down,
they'll leave me.
Client (43:01):
Right.
Valerie Friedlander (43:02):
They'll, you know, some sort of story
about what will happen and andit can feel a real sense of
danger, which is where yoursurvival mode kicks in, level
one, level two, to protect youfrom that danger.
Client (43:15):
This is awesome. I think just the awareness alone, you
know, it's a huge shift,because, like, you know you're
tired and you know you'reannoyed at things, but to be
like, Okay, what specifically isdraining you and what in that
moment?
Valerie Friedlander (43:30):
Yeah, and even just noticing it sometimes
can take its power to be like,Oh, this is that pattern. So
we'll move to level six. Levelsix, you feel a connection to
everyone and everything andexperience a synergy working
with others that is highlymotivating and sparks your
creative and intuitive abilityto make things happen. You are
(43:51):
living a powerful, purposefullife, and those closest to you
are part of you and help createand shape who you are.
Client (43:58):
Bomb
Valerie Friedlander (43:59):
Where does that show up for you? When do
you feel that?
Client (44:04):
Um, when I'm like, It's gonna sound so absurd, honestly,
like in my DMs, in thesecommunities that I'm in, because
when I'm sharing my work andpeople are responding to it, or
we're talking to a response,conversation, engagement,
connection. It feels veryaligned and very fulfilling.
(44:28):
Talking to my husband about thethings that I'm working on, like
his excitement around it, orlike just his support, is very
fulfilling.
Valerie Friedlander (44:37):
Okay, so I'm in the interest of time,
given this is podcast length,it's the reason I usually do
these sessions is 90 minutes,because I love to just, like,
really dig in. So we can alwaystalk more afterwards. But I'm
going to touch on level seven.
We're not going to explore itvery much, because, again, this
(44:59):
is one that we like tap into,but we don't really stay there
with level seven. This resonatesfor you in a you are obviously
passionate about what you do.
You're a creator and a visionaryfilled with a sense of love and
appreciation for your place inlife. You create your life in
each moment. We often hit onthese in moments, often in a
(45:22):
creative moment, but it couldbe, you know, the stop and smell
the flowers and that space whereyou're just like in the awe of
the of the world and creation.
So it's not necessarily a spacethat we stay in all the time. So
based on all of this, thepattern that I see that is
serving you, that's working foryou is that you are connected to
a creative flow and an intuitivesense of what you want to
(45:47):
create. Others come to you, andwhether they are joyful or
struggling. Working together,you experience a synergy that
enhances the creativeexperience. You feel a sense of
purposefulness in the process,but particularly so when you
learn that the experience youwere part of helped someone
overcome a struggle they werehaving.
Client (46:09):
Yes, absolutely.
Valerie Friedlander (46:11):
So that is where I see, is really where
you're shining right now? Well,it's working well for you, is
when you tap into that.
Client (46:19):
Yeah.
Valerie Friedlander (46:20):
Okay, so shall we? I know we've hit a
little bit on the places thatare stuck, because they all play
together, right? Like they'reall there. I honed into a few
places where that catabolicenergy is really standing out.
So I will go over those patternsand and then we'll take a look
(46:41):
at that. So what I see for youis that you feel a heavy sense
of responsibility and feel verydisappointed when things don't
go your way, especially when itcomes to helping others, there
may be some guilt or fear ofletting people down, and some
stories around what it meansabout you if you let people
down, which creates a pressureto be right so you don't let
(47:05):
people down. You may replayevents over and over, wishing
you'd acted differently. It's aessentially acts as a way to
punish yourself, which naturallyleads you to avoid making
decisions when you're uncertainfor fear of the pain of being
wrong or disappointed that youknow you do to yourself, and
it's kind of like again, like Isaid, the a way of punishing
(47:28):
yourself for not getting itright, or disappointing
somebody. You maintain highexpectations and hold on to
hurts to try and protectyourself from people taking
advantage of you. You may feelguilty for having boundaries
when you get hurt. You beatyourself up for not protecting
yourself better, or for notworking hard enough when you
(47:48):
don't get what you want. Whatstands out to you about that?
Client (47:52):
All of it? Hi, it's me.
I don't know why you have toread me like that, Valerie.
Valerie Friedlander (47:58):
Yeah, so this is not just you common with
the dynamics that are in yourchart. The cool thing about this
is it's not who you are. Is oneof the reasons I love this
assessment is it's not sayingthis is your personality, this
is the way you are, who you are.
This is the way your lens isfunctioning right now that gets
(48:20):
you caught. So these are thepatterns. Patterns can be
changed when we understand thepattern, we can notice where
it's showing up, when it'sshowing up, and recognize that
it is not you, it's not who youare. It is a pattern that you
learned that served you for somereason. And again, a lot of this
(48:44):
is self protection. So the heavysense of responsibility often
comes from a need to protectyourself. So to be right, we
learn the tool of shame to keepourselves in order, because
that's what was used on us askids to keep us in order. So
(49:04):
whatever that order is, so weshame ourselves to prevent
ourselves from making the samemistake again, without really
understanding why we did thething that may not have actually
been a mistake. It may have beena thing that was done for a
reason that just didn't work theway we were conditioned to think
(49:24):
it would.
Client (49:28):
Yeah.
Valerie Friedlander (49:30):
So maintaining those high
expectations, again, that's away of utilizing your fight
response to protect yourselffrom the energy depletion that
happens when you feel thatweight of responsibility. So
both helps you hold the weightof responsibility, beat yourself
up when you so called drop thatresponsibility, or keeps you
(49:55):
able you know that cortisol,adrenaline, you. Uh, you know,
if you're holding up a car, youneed that fight energy, you need
that adrenaline and cortisol toto keep the person from under
it, from getting squashed, andit helps you continue to hold
it, because it feels like it'syour responsibility to hold it,
(50:16):
except the other person isn'tcrawling out from under the car.
Client (50:20):
Yeah.
Valerie Friedlander (50:22):
So there's a utility to there. So then it
can be, well, how true is itthat they're going to get
squished if I put this car down,what resources do I need to be
able to put the car down? Maybeit's finding blocks that go, you
know, hey, can you send someblocks over? We'll put the car
on some blocks, and then I canput it down. So it's
(50:45):
understanding what the patternis and then finding a way to
support yourself as you shiftit. So what do you think about
giving this pattern a name?
Client (50:56):
Oh.
Valerie Friedlander (50:58):
so if we said, you know this pattern is,
you feel a heavy sense ofresponsibility. Feel guilty
about being tired and notwanting to carry that
responsibility, fear of lettingpeople down, and what it means
about you if you let people downwhen you do, replaying events
(51:20):
over and over, wishing you'dacted differently, to punish
yourself, to push yourself tonot do that again. So you keep
holding that rate ofresponsibility and maintaining
high expectations and holding onto hurt, to prevent other people
from also having you hold themup, but then you feel guilty for
(51:41):
saying no to that, and beatyourself up for not doing better
and being able to hold up allthe cars. I'm tired just
listening to you describe. Sowhat do you want to call that?
Client (51:56):
I would call that, Debbie.
Valerie Friedlander (51:58):
Sorry to any Debbie listening.
Client (52:01):
Debbie Downer. I feel like it's a downer, right?
Valerie Friedlander (52:05):
That's true. Yeah, yeah. All right, so
this is Debbie. We we name thepattern so that we separate it
from yourself, kind of like whenwe talk about inner critics, we
give the inner critic a separateidentity. We recognize that the
inner critic is there to protectus. This Debbie. Debbie Downer
is there to help you, but she'snot really doing a very good
(52:27):
job. Um, when you can noticewhen Debbie has shown up, you
can look at where is the helpthat you are needing? What is
she there to do?
Client (52:36):
Right.
Valerie Friedlander (52:38):
And is that really what you want her to be
doing?
Client (52:43):
Put down the car.
Valerie Friedlander (52:44):
Debbie, yeah. And so then it's taking
some of those other levels andexploring them a little bit,
including, all right, let'sexplore level three. Sometimes
we can't get to level five, butsometimes level five feels more
accessible. It's really whatmakes the most sense for you, if
you can tap into this universalenergy, and I get the sense a
lot of people, I would tend togo to level three of like, all
(53:06):
right, how do we release thecatabolic energy that may be
that rationalization, and youmay use that sometimes, I do
wonder if you might find iteasier, since you use level five
for yourself, It sounds likethat trust in the universe, that
connectedness that you feelbecause level six is so strong
for you, and it's right betweenfour and six, right? So I wonder
(53:31):
if that would be moreaccessible.
Client (53:33):
I think for no just because I've been working like,
I've been reading a lot aboutspirituality and just kind of
like getting into thatmindfulness and being present
and releasing control typevibes, Debbie vibes. So, yeah,
Valerie Friedlander (53:48):
Okay, so on a scale of one to 10, how
interested are you in releasingDebbie from her job? Find it
finding out Debbie replacement?
One being not interested 10being, like 100% totally
interested.
Client (54:03):
Probably like an eight, 8.8
Valerie Friedlander (54:07):
Yeah.
Client (54:08):
What makes it not a seven? Because, like, I don't
like her enough to keep her at aseven.
Valerie Friedlander (54:21):
Gotcha.
What makes it not a nine?
Client (54:24):
It's a safety it's like you were saying, right? Like,
this is something that she'shere to help keep me safe. So
it's like, okay, well, yeah,
Valerie Friedlander (54:37):
Yeah. So that's important to look at so
that you know you can explore.
Is there another way to feelsafe?
Client (54:47):
Yeah.
Valerie Friedlander (54:49):
Right, because that's where the gap is
between letting Debbie go. Isfinding those ways of what what
will help you feel safe?
Client (55:00):
Right.
Valerie Friedlander (55:02):
And maybe it's a different way of thinking
about it, and maybe it's astrategic thing. It just depends
on the situation. But only onceyou are noticing where she's
showing up will you be able tonotice, okay, this is what I
want to try to see if I cancultivate a sense of safety here
and what, or even I'm going totry this and see what happens,
because this risk seems ratherlow to put that one down.
Client (55:22):
I love this because it touches on so many things,
right? Like, I've I'veidentified that the people
pleaser in me is the responselike a worthiness boon, and my
need to, like, solve people'sproblems and go above and beyond
is because I feel like theywon't care about me or won't be
friends with me if I'm notgiving them something or not
providing value to them. And sobeing able to be like, Yeah,
(55:46):
that sucks, and not do anythingfor them, and step away and
still have a connection or afriendship, or, you know,
whatever it may be, like, that'sthe fear, right? Like, that's
the like, oh, like, if I'm not,if I'm not doing, then what are
they getting? Then why will theylike? What will keep them coming
(56:07):
around? You know? So,
Valerie Friedlander (56:11):
Yeah.
Client (56:12):
Yeah. I was not expecting all of this insight on
this Monday, but this is great.
Valerie Friedlander (56:18):
Happy Monday. Yeah. Awesome. All
right, well, so that is thedebrief. And then what I will
generally do with folks is sendthem the recording for them to
download. I don't do anythingwith it, except this time I
will, because we agreed on that.
Sometimes people just do this asa standalone sometimes they say
they want to keep working.
(56:41):
Sometimes they get it as part ofa package, and then we go from
there with coaching around it toactually work on those specific
things where this is showing upand whatever their goals were
for coaching.
Client (56:51):
Amazing.
Valerie Friedlander (56:53):
That's what it looks like. Thank you so
much. It is such a pleasure tosupport you with this one.
Client (56:59):
Thank you, this was great.
Valerie Friedlander (57:01):
I hope this conversation gave you a deeper
sense of what's possible when weunderstand our own energy
patterns. If you're feelingcurious about your own results,
don't forget, I'm offering $150off the energy leadership index
assessment and debrief throughApril 30 or until I reach
capacity. Whichever comes first,the assessment is normally $345,
(57:23):
and includes a 90 minute consultwith me, plus the follow up
discount if you'd like continuedcoaching support in a follow up
a few months after the debrief,you just heard this client
shared she feels more steady inher path and has more patience.
The stressors in her lifehaven't gone away, but they
don't knock her off course theway they used to. These are
(57:45):
challenging times, and I believetools like this can help us show
up more clearly, calmly and inalignment with who we really
want to be and what we want tocreate in the world. You can use
the code April Eli to book, andthe link is in the show notes,
as always, please feel free toreach out if you have any
questions, any comments,thoughts, things you'd like to
(58:07):
explore further. I love to hearfrom you. You can send me an
email. There is a link in theshow notes to send me a text, or
you can also put a note on theepisode. I love to hear from
you, and I will talk to you allnext time.
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