March 18, 2025 • 17 mins
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In this powerful first installment of a special two-part series (Episode 82A), I break my silence about witnessing domestic violence as a child and the desperate measures my sisters and I contemplated at ages 12, 10, and 7. When my mother finally gathered the courage to escape her abusive boyfriend, we fled Minneapolis with nothing but backpacks—leaving behind our home, possessions, and everything familiar.
The physical escape was just the beginning of our journey. What followed were months of instability, makeshift accommodations, and psychological trauma that remained unspoken for years. This episode reveals the invisible wounds carried by children in violent households and the shocking lengths to which desperate children may go to protect their loved ones.
My story serves as both warning and hope—a wake-up call to those trapped in abusive relationships, especially when children are involved, and a testament that healing and healthy love are possible on the other side of trauma. Join us for Episode 82B, where a trauma therapist provides professional insight into the impacts and healing journey discussed in this deeply personal account.
Next, listen to part 2, Episode 82B - Running For Our Lives: The Response
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Fatima Bey (00:01):
Welcome to MindShift Power Podcast, the only
international podcast focused onteens, connecting young voices
and perspectives from around theworld.
Get ready to explore the issuesthat matter to today's youth
and shape tomorrow's world.
I'm your host, fatima Bey, theMindShifter, and welcome
(00:23):
everyone.
Today's going to be a littlebit different.
I'm pretty sure you saw thetitle of this episode.
I'm going to do something I'venever done before.
I'm going to tell my story.
I've never done this publiclyand I'm going to be really raw
and blunt, the same thing Iexpect from everyone else.
So I was born in Minneapolis,minneapolis, minnesota.
(00:45):
Currently live in upstate NewYork, and when I moved to from
Minneapolis to upstate New Yorkwhen I was about 12 years old
and I'm about to tell you whypeople ask me all the time oh,
what brought you to New York?
My response is usually, oh,family.
Because I'm not going to tellthem the real, full story.
But you're about to hear it now.
(01:06):
So back in Minneapolis, mymother had a boyfriend that used
to beat her.
He used to beat her pretty bad.
She ended up in the hospital acouple of times and one day my
mother had a moment ofrealization.
She realized he's going to killme or my kids.
So she decided it was time toescape.
(01:27):
We had a house in Minneapolisnot an apartment, not something
you could just leave a wholehouse with a mortgage, a nice
house with a yard and ablackberry tree and lilac bush
and all that good stuff and weleft it all behind.
She decided we needed toabandon everything and escape.
So we did.
(01:47):
We escaped with only what wecould carry on our backs.
One morning I woke up gettingready to go for school.
My mother's like grab someclothes, grab you know, grab
this, grab that.
And I literally filled abackpack full of whatever I
could carry on my back and it'sall, that's all we could take.
So I literally had to leaveevery single thing I knew, every
(02:10):
single thing I had behind.
We all did my Aunt Lizzie she'snot my biological aunt, but
everybody calls her Aunt Lizzieand she was our savior.
That day my mother called herand said this is a situation we
need to get out.
Can you help us?
And Lizzie did.
She drove us to the Greyhoundstation.
(02:32):
We drove, she drove us to theGreyhound station and we were
hiding in the back seat becausewe didn't want anybody to know
that we were going.
We don't want anybody thatknows him to report back to him
that we were going, we wereescaping and we got on a
Greyhound bus.
We came to upstate New York.
Finally, it took a couple ofdays to.
(02:53):
You know, it takes a couple ofdays by bus to get from the
Midwest to to over here on theEast.
For the most part, when we gothere we stayed with my grant.
We stayed with my grandmother,but we only stayed with her for
about two weeks because she hada very small one-bedroom
apartment and that was kind of alot of people.
Now I have two younger sisters,so it was the three of us and
my mother, and that's it.
(03:13):
And the one thing I want you tounderstand is my mother
literally had not one singlehuman being outside of Aunt
Lizzie, who really did all thatshe could for us.
She had not one single humanbeing that she could rely on,
depend on and call upon.
So she was doing this all byherself, outside of the help she
got from Aunt Lizzie and mygrandmother.
For a couple of weeks Afterthat she was surprisingly able
(03:35):
to find a job real quick becauseshe was determined.
She was able to find a job andthen we moved out into a motel
and I mean like the hooker type,not one of these nice hotels,
what we would call a hooker type, but that's the best that you
could do.
So we moved into this hotel andwe ended up staying there for
nine months.
(03:56):
That was never the plan.
But you know, when you'repaying that much, you're paying
a weekly rate and you're payingall this money.
It's hard to get out of thatloop Because everything you're
making, all this money, it'shard to get out of that loop
because everything you're goingis going back.
Everything you're making isgoing back into paying.
Many of you understandeverything you're making is
going back into paying, justyour survival.
So we were there for about ninemonths roughly.
(04:16):
Finally, my mother was finallyable to get an apartment after
nine months.
But when we moved in we had nofurniture.
We slept on the floor.
We used to stuff clothes in thepillowcases so that we could
have a pillow.
That's how poor we were.
What I want to talk to you abouttoday was the trauma that comes
from being a child of domesticviolence.
(04:37):
He never hit me, but being achild of a mother who's
constantly beaten, I'm lettingyou know right now.
It messes you up Don't want touse the word permanent because
that's not true, but it doesmess you up in a great way, a
big way.
So for years and I'm onlygiving you the summary right now
because I'm trying to keep thispodcast episode within a
(05:00):
certain timeframe but for manyyears, for many years, I would
relive the trauma from hearingher getting beaten, hearing the
screams and the banging on thewall, waking up and hearing it
when it wasn't happening.
I akin it to a rape victim.
No, I wasn't raped, but thetrauma on this in this context
(05:23):
is the same.
You're reliving a traumaticmoment.
Someone who was raped and seesthe house they were raped in
relives that moment.
When they see that house, Iwake up and hear a bang that has
nothing to do with anything andit brings me back to that
moment.
It was many, many, many yearsNow, mind you, I was 12 years
old, I wasn't into my 20s.
Until I could actually talkabout it Barely came out of my
(05:46):
mouth before then.
It took a long time for me toactually be able to really talk
about it, because it wastraumatic.
It was so it ran so deep.
Now that I've explained that,let me take you back to
Minneapolis for a moment.
I am 12 years old, my sistersare probably 10 and 8.
(06:08):
I really don't remember, butroughly maybe 10 and 7, roughly
around there at the time I'm theoldest.
Before we left, we wereplanning his murder.
You heard me right, I didn'tmince my words.
We were at 12, 10, and seven oreight.
We were planning his murder.
Let me explain what I mean.
(06:29):
I was the ringleader, obviously, because I'm the oldest, and me
and my sisters were gettingtogether, even though we're
sisters.
So of course we fought here andthere, but we were still a
tight unit and, trust me, thisis still true to this day.
Me and my sisters get togetherand we decide something's
happening, it's going to happen,and it's going to happen with
precision.
And then we well planned out,well thought out and thoroughly
(06:51):
analyzed because that's how weare.
So at 12 years old, we wereplanning his murder.
And what I want you to know andI'm saying this as a full grown
adult when I look back at it, Irealized, oh, it would have
happened.
We would have absolutely killedthat little bitch.
Absolutely, he would have beenabsolutely dead.
(07:12):
Now, imagine what would havehappened if we had done that.
I'm very grateful that mymother left when she did because
she was protecting us in moreways than one.
Now, my mother did not knowthis at the time.
I only told her this, likemaybe last year or the year
before.
I said, oh yeah, we wereplanning his murder and knowing
what I know now, it would havehappened because we would have
(07:34):
stuck with it, because we hadhad enough, and we were at the
point where we were tired ofbeing scared.
We were just going to kill youand I want you to know that,
because that is a big deal.
Sometimes we think children areineffective by what happens
around them.
That is never freaking true.
I mean, that is never, ever,ever, ever, ever, ever true.
(07:57):
We are affected by everythingaround us, everything you allow
in your household.
It affects us.
We may not say something, wemight not understand how it's
affecting us until we get oldenough, mature enough and,
honestly, that has nothing to dowith age.
That has to do with maturityand those two are not the same
thing.
It affects us.
(08:19):
It affected me.
I could not talk about it foryears.
You've heard me talk aboutbefore how I had low self-esteem
most of my life.
This was not the only reasonwhy, but this was definitely a
part of it.
Not only that, but I had adifferent experience than my
younger sisters because I wasmuch older.
I had much more understandingof the world around me than they
did.
I remember a lot more than theydid.
(08:39):
I know because we've talkedabout it a lot, lot more, and
the reason I'm sharing the storywith you and this is I went
through a lot of tears just toprepare for this episode.
That's why I'm able to talkabout it now, without the tears,
because they happened beforethe microphone got turned on.
But the tears actually weren'tfor me.
They were for you teenage girlwho's in an abusive relationship
(09:03):
right now, because this isprobably your future.
If you don't get the fuck outright now, this is your future.
You're going to have kids thathave been drawn and led to
murder because you kept them inan abusive relationship.
You needed to keep that man,that so-called man who was
abusing you.
Don't turn your child into amurderer by staying in a
(09:23):
situation that you shouldn't bein.
You might be a teenage girlright now.
You're not even pregnant yet bythis little bitch, and that's
what they are.
By the way, when you hear mesay little bitch.
I'm not talking about women ever.
I'm always talking about theselittle boys in men's bodies who
beat women because they'relittle bitches.
They're not men.
Let me make that clear Now.
(09:46):
If you're a teenage girl, getout.
You're in an abusiverelationship.
You know I'm right.
You know I'm talking to youright now and you're listening.
You know it's you.
I want you to know what yourfuture looks like.
Your future looks like youvisiting your kids in jail
because they murdered the littlebitch you stayed with.
Get out now.
In a minute I'm gonna give yousome hope about getting out.
Mothers who are in these andI'm talking to mothers right now
(10:08):
.
Yes, it happens to men, but I'mnot talking to them right now.
I'm talking to the mothersbecause those are the ones I
know and can relate to, themothers who are in these abusive
relationships right now.
And you're listening to meright now.
I know you don't love yourselfenough to leave and you make
every excuse in the world tostay, or maybe you're just too
(10:30):
scared to leave, becausesometimes there's a reason to be
scared.
That's what the situation waswith my mother.
It wasn't that she wanted tostay with this loser.
She wanted to get out, but hewas actually dangerous.
There were some real reasonswhy we had to escape.
I didn't understand all that atthe time.
I understand that now thatwe've had conversations many
years later.
But maybe you feel like youcan't get out.
(10:51):
I promise you you actually can.
There are plenty of us aroundthat will help you to get out.
But, mothers, if you don't loveyourself enough to get out, love
your children enough to get out, because they're victims too.
We are victims too.
Because they're victims too, weare victims too.
The memories, the trauma fromwatching you or listening to you
(11:12):
get beaten is not of noneeffect.
It affects us.
And then you wonder why they'reviolent.
You wonder why they're skippingschool, why they seem to
self-sabotage.
It's because of all the shitthey're watching.
It's affecting them too.
Love them enough to get out.
Don't turn your child into thenext six o'clock news murderer,
because I promise you that wouldhave been me Now had I done
(11:34):
that.
Imagine the extra trauma Iwould have incurred on myself by
committing that murder which Iwas totally unaware of at the
time, of course, because I was12.
Imagine that.
Imagine the trauma I would haveinflicted on my little sisters
by having them participate in it.
I didn't have to make thembecause we were a team.
We were a team, but imagine howour lives would have turned out
(11:57):
if we had stayed, if she didn'tget out when she did.
Imagine that.
Now I want you to turn aroundand replace my story with your
kids.
Imagine visiting your son, yourdaughter, in jail because they
killed that motherfucker,because they couldn't take it
anymore.
See, even the kids who youthink won't push the envelope
(12:17):
won't budge, the kids that youthink are scared, the kids that
you think won't do anything,they'll be the very ones that'll
pick up a knife and stab hisass 45 times in a row and you
can't even see him for all theblood.
Yes, I'm being that graphic.
I want you to see that, thattrauma in your head right now.
What I just said.
It's much better than the realtrauma of visiting them in jail
(12:40):
and having their entire livesruined because they wanted to
protect you, because theycouldn't take it anymore.
We all have our breaking pointsand I was a scared little girl,
but I was getting past that.
I was getting past the point ofbeing a scared little girl to a
pissed off murderer.
Don't push your kids to thatedge.
Get the fuck out.
Get out for your kid's sake.
(13:01):
Now I want to tell you somethingelse.
I want to give you a littlehope.
I know I'm telling you to getout and it seems hopeless, but
trust me, there's somebodyaround who wants to help you.
There's so many people thatwant to help people like you.
I know them, I see them, I talkto them.
I'm one of them.
I want you to know that there'shope them.
(13:24):
I'm one of them.
I want you to know that there'shope.
My mother is now married to aphenomenal husband.
She's married to a great manfull of integrity, and we all
love him.
We consider him our secondfather.
When he introduces us, hedoesn't call me his stepdaughter
, he just calls me his daughter,and Father's Day is all about
him.
He's a wonderful man.
My point in saying that to youladies is, when you finally
decide to get out, you freeyourself up for a real man
(13:45):
instead of the loser, instead ofthe little bitch who can't do
anything but beat a womanbecause he doesn't have a dick.
There's hope for you and I'mletting you know there's hope
for you.
My mother is not special.
She's a beautiful person, butshe doesn't have superpowers.
She's no better than the restof you.
If she can do it, so can you.
You just have to get out first.
(14:11):
Now you understand why domesticviolence is one of the topics
that I'm so passionate about,and the first thing I think of
is the children, because I wasone.
Do you know what it's like togrow up unsafe?
I do, to never feel safe inyour home.
I know that when you don't feelsafe, it's hard to feel like
you're worth anything.
Fyi, when you don't feel safe,it dramatically affects your
thoughts, your thought, life,how you think and therefore how
(14:33):
you conduct yourself in otherparts of life.
Your kids don't feel safe whenthey're in that situation.
I'm not saying this to beat youdown.
I'm saying this to give you areality check so you get the
hell out for your kid's sake,and letting you know from a
child of it what it does.
And it was man for a while ifthere was somebody walking down
(14:55):
the street hitting hisgirlfriend, it took every ounce
in me not to murder him.
I'm not kidding.
I remember telling mystepfather one day after you
know, before they got marriedand they were dating, we were
all living together.
I don't know what I said to mystepfather.
But I said something to theeffect of you put your hands on
her and I will kill you.
And he was a police officer, bythe way, but I don't care Now,
(15:19):
I didn't use that.
I don't remember what I said tohim and I don't think I used
that phrase, but I remember hegot upset because I was coming
at him like that.
Well gee, why was I coming athim like that?
Because I was determined thatthat was never going to happen
to my mother again.
I was determined that that isnot happening this time, because
I will kill you first.
I was already there.
Now I soon calmed down becauseI came to realize that this was
a good man and he cared for mymother.
(15:40):
He absolutely adores my motherand she has so much respect for
him.
It's beautiful.
In fact, if I ever get married,I hope I have a relationship
like theirs, like for real.
It's wonderful to watch.
No, they're not perfect.
They have their little spatshere and there, but overall
their love and respect for eachother is so beautiful.
But she wouldn't have beenavailable for that if she had
stayed with that piece of crapshe was with.
(16:00):
And, ladies, you need to takethe garbage out.
You need to take the garbageout too.
You're worth it, but moreimportantly or just as
importantly, your kids are worthit.
We matter, we matter.
You're really messing up theirmental health when you stay in
that situation, like reallybadly.
So I wanted to say all of thattoday because I just want to see
(16:24):
you win.
I want to see women get out,and that's why I'm so determined
in all that I do.
A lot of what I do focuses onyoung women, and this is a big
issue with a lot of young women,not just in America, but across
the world.
This is part one of thisepisode and there is a part two.
So stay tuned, take a breather,because I know this was heavy,
(16:45):
and listen to part two, becausethat's going to be just as
impactful, but in a differentway.
And thank you for listening.
Thank you for listening.
Be sure to follow or subscribeto MindShift Power Podcast on
any of our worldwide platformsso you, too, can be a part of
the conversation that's changingyoung lives everywhere, and
(17:07):
always remember there's power inshifting your thinking.
Welcome to MindShift Power Podcast, the only
international podcast focused onteens, connecting young voices
and perspectives from around theworld.
Get ready to explore the issuesthat matter to today's youth
and shape tomorrow's world.
I'm your host, fatima Bey, theMindShifter, and welcome
(00:23):
everyone.
Today's going to be a littlebit different.
I'm pretty sure you saw thetitle of this episode.
I'm going to do something I'venever done before.
I'm going to tell my story.
I've never done this publiclyand I'm going to be really raw
and blunt, the same thing Iexpect from everyone else.
So I was born in Minneapolis,minneapolis, minnesota.
(00:45):
Currently live in upstate NewYork, and when I moved to from
Minneapolis to upstate New Yorkwhen I was about 12 years old
and I'm about to tell you whypeople ask me all the time oh,
what brought you to New York?
My response is usually, oh,family.
Because I'm not going to tellthem the real, full story.
But you're about to hear it now.
(01:06):
So back in Minneapolis, mymother had a boyfriend that used
to beat her.
He used to beat her pretty bad.
She ended up in the hospital acouple of times and one day my
mother had a moment ofrealization.
She realized he's going to killme or my kids.
So she decided it was time toescape.
(01:27):
We had a house in Minneapolisnot an apartment, not something
you could just leave a wholehouse with a mortgage, a nice
house with a yard and ablackberry tree and lilac bush
and all that good stuff and weleft it all behind.
She decided we needed toabandon everything and escape.
So we did.
(01:47):
We escaped with only what wecould carry on our backs.
One morning I woke up gettingready to go for school.
My mother's like grab someclothes, grab you know, grab
this, grab that.
And I literally filled abackpack full of whatever I
could carry on my back and it'sall, that's all we could take.
So I literally had to leaveevery single thing I knew, every
(02:10):
single thing I had behind.
We all did my Aunt Lizzie she'snot my biological aunt, but
everybody calls her Aunt Lizzieand she was our savior.
That day my mother called herand said this is a situation we
need to get out.
Can you help us?
And Lizzie did.
She drove us to the Greyhoundstation.
(02:32):
We drove, she drove us to theGreyhound station and we were
hiding in the back seat becausewe didn't want anybody to know
that we were going.
We don't want anybody thatknows him to report back to him
that we were going, we wereescaping and we got on a
Greyhound bus.
We came to upstate New York.
Finally, it took a couple ofdays to.
(02:53):
You know, it takes a couple ofdays by bus to get from the
Midwest to to over here on theEast.
For the most part, when we gothere we stayed with my grant.
We stayed with my grandmother,but we only stayed with her for
about two weeks because she hada very small one-bedroom
apartment and that was kind of alot of people.
Now I have two younger sisters,so it was the three of us and
my mother, and that's it.
(03:13):
And the one thing I want you tounderstand is my mother
literally had not one singlehuman being outside of Aunt
Lizzie, who really did all thatshe could for us.
She had not one single humanbeing that she could rely on,
depend on and call upon.
So she was doing this all byherself, outside of the help she
got from Aunt Lizzie and mygrandmother.
For a couple of weeks Afterthat she was surprisingly able
(03:35):
to find a job real quick becauseshe was determined.
She was able to find a job andthen we moved out into a motel
and I mean like the hooker type,not one of these nice hotels,
what we would call a hooker type, but that's the best that you
could do.
So we moved into this hotel andwe ended up staying there for
nine months.
(03:56):
That was never the plan.
But you know, when you'repaying that much, you're paying
a weekly rate and you're payingall this money.
It's hard to get out of thatloop Because everything you're
making, all this money, it'shard to get out of that loop
because everything you're goingis going back.
Everything you're making isgoing back into paying.
Many of you understandeverything you're making is
going back into paying, justyour survival.
So we were there for about ninemonths roughly.
(04:16):
Finally, my mother was finallyable to get an apartment after
nine months.
But when we moved in we had nofurniture.
We slept on the floor.
We used to stuff clothes in thepillowcases so that we could
have a pillow.
That's how poor we were.
What I want to talk to you abouttoday was the trauma that comes
from being a child of domesticviolence.
(04:37):
He never hit me, but being achild of a mother who's
constantly beaten, I'm lettingyou know right now.
It messes you up Don't want touse the word permanent because
that's not true, but it doesmess you up in a great way, a
big way.
So for years and I'm onlygiving you the summary right now
because I'm trying to keep thispodcast episode within a
(05:00):
certain timeframe but for manyyears, for many years, I would
relive the trauma from hearingher getting beaten, hearing the
screams and the banging on thewall, waking up and hearing it
when it wasn't happening.
I akin it to a rape victim.
No, I wasn't raped, but thetrauma on this in this context
(05:23):
is the same.
You're reliving a traumaticmoment.
Someone who was raped and seesthe house they were raped in
relives that moment.
When they see that house, Iwake up and hear a bang that has
nothing to do with anything andit brings me back to that
moment.
It was many, many, many yearsNow, mind you, I was 12 years
old, I wasn't into my 20s.
Until I could actually talkabout it Barely came out of my
(05:46):
mouth before then.
It took a long time for me toactually be able to really talk
about it, because it wastraumatic.
It was so it ran so deep.
Now that I've explained that,let me take you back to
Minneapolis for a moment.
I am 12 years old, my sistersare probably 10 and 8.
(06:08):
I really don't remember, butroughly maybe 10 and 7, roughly
around there at the time I'm theoldest.
Before we left, we wereplanning his murder.
You heard me right, I didn'tmince my words.
We were at 12, 10, and seven oreight.
We were planning his murder.
Let me explain what I mean.
(06:29):
I was the ringleader, obviously, because I'm the oldest, and me
and my sisters were gettingtogether, even though we're
sisters.
So of course we fought here andthere, but we were still a
tight unit and, trust me, thisis still true to this day.
Me and my sisters get togetherand we decide something's
happening, it's going to happen,and it's going to happen with
precision.
And then we well planned out,well thought out and thoroughly
(06:51):
analyzed because that's how weare.
So at 12 years old, we wereplanning his murder.
And what I want you to know andI'm saying this as a full grown
adult when I look back at it, Irealized, oh, it would have
happened.
We would have absolutely killedthat little bitch.
Absolutely, he would have beenabsolutely dead.
(07:12):
Now, imagine what would havehappened if we had done that.
I'm very grateful that mymother left when she did because
she was protecting us in moreways than one.
Now, my mother did not knowthis at the time.
I only told her this, likemaybe last year or the year
before.
I said, oh yeah, we wereplanning his murder and knowing
what I know now, it would havehappened because we would have
(07:34):
stuck with it, because we hadhad enough, and we were at the
point where we were tired ofbeing scared.
We were just going to kill youand I want you to know that,
because that is a big deal.
Sometimes we think children areineffective by what happens
around them.
That is never freaking true.
I mean, that is never, ever,ever, ever, ever, ever true.
(07:57):
We are affected by everythingaround us, everything you allow
in your household.
It affects us.
We may not say something, wemight not understand how it's
affecting us until we get oldenough, mature enough and,
honestly, that has nothing to dowith age.
That has to do with maturityand those two are not the same
thing.
It affects us.
(08:19):
It affected me.
I could not talk about it foryears.
You've heard me talk aboutbefore how I had low self-esteem
most of my life.
This was not the only reasonwhy, but this was definitely a
part of it.
Not only that, but I had adifferent experience than my
younger sisters because I wasmuch older.
I had much more understandingof the world around me than they
did.
I remember a lot more than theydid.
(08:39):
I know because we've talkedabout it a lot, lot more, and
the reason I'm sharing the storywith you and this is I went
through a lot of tears just toprepare for this episode.
That's why I'm able to talkabout it now, without the tears,
because they happened beforethe microphone got turned on.
But the tears actually weren'tfor me.
They were for you teenage girlwho's in an abusive relationship
(09:03):
right now, because this isprobably your future.
If you don't get the fuck outright now, this is your future.
You're going to have kids thathave been drawn and led to
murder because you kept them inan abusive relationship.
You needed to keep that man,that so-called man who was
abusing you.
Don't turn your child into amurderer by staying in a
(09:23):
situation that you shouldn't bein.
You might be a teenage girlright now.
You're not even pregnant yet bythis little bitch, and that's
what they are.
By the way, when you hear mesay little bitch.
I'm not talking about women ever.
I'm always talking about theselittle boys in men's bodies who
beat women because they'relittle bitches.
They're not men.
Let me make that clear Now.
(09:46):
If you're a teenage girl, getout.
You're in an abusiverelationship.
You know I'm right.
You know I'm talking to youright now and you're listening.
You know it's you.
I want you to know what yourfuture looks like.
Your future looks like youvisiting your kids in jail
because they murdered the littlebitch you stayed with.
Get out now.
In a minute I'm gonna give yousome hope about getting out.
Mothers who are in these andI'm talking to mothers right now
(10:08):
.
Yes, it happens to men, but I'mnot talking to them right now.
I'm talking to the mothersbecause those are the ones I
know and can relate to, themothers who are in these abusive
relationships right now.
And you're listening to meright now.
I know you don't love yourselfenough to leave and you make
every excuse in the world tostay, or maybe you're just too
(10:30):
scared to leave, becausesometimes there's a reason to be
scared.
That's what the situation waswith my mother.
It wasn't that she wanted tostay with this loser.
She wanted to get out, but hewas actually dangerous.
There were some real reasonswhy we had to escape.
I didn't understand all that atthe time.
I understand that now thatwe've had conversations many
years later.
But maybe you feel like youcan't get out.
(10:51):
I promise you you actually can.
There are plenty of us aroundthat will help you to get out.
But, mothers, if you don't loveyourself enough to get out, love
your children enough to get out, because they're victims too.
We are victims too.
Because they're victims too, weare victims too.
The memories, the trauma fromwatching you or listening to you
(11:12):
get beaten is not of noneeffect.
It affects us.
And then you wonder why they'reviolent.
You wonder why they're skippingschool, why they seem to
self-sabotage.
It's because of all the shitthey're watching.
It's affecting them too.
Love them enough to get out.
Don't turn your child into thenext six o'clock news murderer,
because I promise you that wouldhave been me Now had I done
(11:34):
that.
Imagine the extra trauma Iwould have incurred on myself by
committing that murder which Iwas totally unaware of at the
time, of course, because I was12.
Imagine that.
Imagine the trauma I would haveinflicted on my little sisters
by having them participate in it.
I didn't have to make thembecause we were a team.
We were a team, but imagine howour lives would have turned out
(11:57):
if we had stayed, if she didn'tget out when she did.
Imagine that.
Now I want you to turn aroundand replace my story with your
kids.
Imagine visiting your son, yourdaughter, in jail because they
killed that motherfucker,because they couldn't take it
anymore.
See, even the kids who youthink won't push the envelope
(12:17):
won't budge, the kids that youthink are scared, the kids that
you think won't do anything,they'll be the very ones that'll
pick up a knife and stab hisass 45 times in a row and you
can't even see him for all theblood.
Yes, I'm being that graphic.
I want you to see that, thattrauma in your head right now.
What I just said.
It's much better than the realtrauma of visiting them in jail
(12:40):
and having their entire livesruined because they wanted to
protect you, because theycouldn't take it anymore.
We all have our breaking pointsand I was a scared little girl,
but I was getting past that.
I was getting past the point ofbeing a scared little girl to a
pissed off murderer.
Don't push your kids to thatedge.
Get the fuck out.
Get out for your kid's sake.
(13:01):
Now I want to tell you somethingelse.
I want to give you a littlehope.
I know I'm telling you to getout and it seems hopeless, but
trust me, there's somebodyaround who wants to help you.
There's so many people thatwant to help people like you.
I know them, I see them, I talkto them.
I'm one of them.
I want you to know that there'shope them.
(13:24):
I'm one of them.
I want you to know that there'shope.
My mother is now married to aphenomenal husband.
She's married to a great manfull of integrity, and we all
love him.
We consider him our secondfather.
When he introduces us, hedoesn't call me his stepdaughter
, he just calls me his daughter,and Father's Day is all about
him.
He's a wonderful man.
My point in saying that to youladies is, when you finally
decide to get out, you freeyourself up for a real man
(13:45):
instead of the loser, instead ofthe little bitch who can't do
anything but beat a womanbecause he doesn't have a dick.
There's hope for you and I'mletting you know there's hope
for you.
My mother is not special.
She's a beautiful person, butshe doesn't have superpowers.
She's no better than the restof you.
If she can do it, so can you.
You just have to get out first.
(14:11):
Now you understand why domesticviolence is one of the topics
that I'm so passionate about,and the first thing I think of
is the children, because I wasone.
Do you know what it's like togrow up unsafe?
I do, to never feel safe inyour home.
I know that when you don't feelsafe, it's hard to feel like
you're worth anything.
Fyi, when you don't feel safe,it dramatically affects your
thoughts, your thought, life,how you think and therefore how
(14:33):
you conduct yourself in otherparts of life.
Your kids don't feel safe whenthey're in that situation.
I'm not saying this to beat youdown.
I'm saying this to give you areality check so you get the
hell out for your kid's sake,and letting you know from a
child of it what it does.
And it was man for a while ifthere was somebody walking down
(14:55):
the street hitting hisgirlfriend, it took every ounce
in me not to murder him.
I'm not kidding.
I remember telling mystepfather one day after you
know, before they got marriedand they were dating, we were
all living together.
I don't know what I said to mystepfather.
But I said something to theeffect of you put your hands on
her and I will kill you.
And he was a police officer, bythe way, but I don't care Now,
(15:19):
I didn't use that.
I don't remember what I said tohim and I don't think I used
that phrase, but I remember hegot upset because I was coming
at him like that.
Well gee, why was I coming athim like that?
Because I was determined thatthat was never going to happen
to my mother again.
I was determined that that isnot happening this time, because
I will kill you first.
I was already there.
Now I soon calmed down becauseI came to realize that this was
a good man and he cared for mymother.
(15:40):
He absolutely adores my motherand she has so much respect for
him.
It's beautiful.
In fact, if I ever get married,I hope I have a relationship
like theirs, like for real.
It's wonderful to watch.
No, they're not perfect.
They have their little spatshere and there, but overall
their love and respect for eachother is so beautiful.
But she wouldn't have beenavailable for that if she had
stayed with that piece of crapshe was with.
(16:00):
And, ladies, you need to takethe garbage out.
You need to take the garbageout too.
You're worth it, but moreimportantly or just as
importantly, your kids are worthit.
We matter, we matter.
You're really messing up theirmental health when you stay in
that situation, like reallybadly.
So I wanted to say all of thattoday because I just want to see
(16:24):
you win.
I want to see women get out,and that's why I'm so determined
in all that I do.
A lot of what I do focuses onyoung women, and this is a big
issue with a lot of young women,not just in America, but across
the world.
This is part one of thisepisode and there is a part two.
So stay tuned, take a breather,because I know this was heavy,
(16:45):
and listen to part two, becausethat's going to be just as
impactful, but in a differentway.
And thank you for listening.
Thank you for listening.
Be sure to follow or subscribeto MindShift Power Podcast on
any of our worldwide platformsso you, too, can be a part of
the conversation that's changingyoung lives everywhere, and
(17:07):
always remember there's power inshifting your thinking.
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