November 13, 2025 • 31 mins
Start the New Year strong and grow a healthy, thriving youth ministry...if you'd like to work with us, check out GrowYourYouthMinistry.com *** The unfortunate truth is that "church hurt" is a real thing and it's only a matter of time until you have a student in your youth ministry or a parent of a student who is dealing with it. So how, as a youth pastor, should you react and handle those dealing with church hurt? In this episode, we open up about how church hurt happens, what it looks like across a wide spectrum, and how youth pastors and student ministry leaders can respond with empathy, patience, and integrity that rebuilds trust and relationships.
If you’re a youth pastor, youth leader, or youth ministry volunteer looking for a steady path through delicate seasons, this conversation offers tools to listen well, move slowly, and lead with the kind of consistency that heals.
🙏 Thank you Cara Daniel for this episode idea! 🙏
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_02 (00:00):
How can we as youth pastors help people navigate
their church earth?
That's what we're talking abouttoday on the Ministry Coach
Podcast.
SPEAKER_00 (00:19):
Welcome to the Ministry Coach Podcast, where we
bring you weekly tips andtactics to help you fast track
the growth and health of youryouth ministry.
My name is Jeff Lascola, andthis is Kristen Lascola.
SPEAKER_02 (00:29):
And today's episode is brought to you by one of our
listeners, actually, named KaraDaniel.
She wrote in a couple of episodeideas and they were really good.
So we're going to do one of themtoday.
And you might not know that as alistener, that you can.
You can email us.
If you are like, I wish they'dreally talk about this.
SPEAKER_00 (00:48):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (00:48):
Go ahead.
SPEAKER_00 (00:49):
We we really wish you would email in because it's
what you want answers to, iswhat makes a great episode.
SPEAKER_02 (00:55):
Yeah, agreed.
So where can they email someideas?
SPEAKER_00 (00:59):
Glad you asked that question, Kristen.
Uh, you can email us atministrycoachpodcast at
gmail.com or you can message usat Instagram, DM us, you know,
whatever, and we should getthose messages.
SPEAKER_02 (01:10):
Yeah.
So um she had a great idea forhow to minister to people with
church hurt.
And this is probably one of thesaddest scenarios, you know,
because I think as pastors,ministers, youth workers,
whatever, we always just knowthat the world will hurt you.
Like, of course, like thingshappen and relationships break
(01:31):
down and there's sickness and,you know, loss of a family
member, loss of a job, and wesee our families going through
difficult times.
But then to think it was causedby the church itself, where this
is supposed to be the peep theplace that people find healing
and refuge and love.
(01:52):
And when they find the oppositethere, when that's the source of
the hurt, it is just to me, justlike uh extra helping of pain.
And it's so sad.
And people aren't perfect.
And church hurt, the term iskind of loose because that could
be a myriad of things.
(02:13):
Like it could be hardcore, likethere was scandal, there was
abuse, there was something, youknow, that maybe somebody's
actually been like arrested, youknow, for something that
happened.
But then there's church hurttoo.
That is maybe a group of people,like it wasn't the church entity
(02:37):
itself, but it was like a groupof people at church who hurt
you.
Like there was a click that leftyou out, or there was someone
who gossiped about you.
And that is like people hurt,not necessarily church hurt,
church people hurt, whatever.
I don't know.
But there is varying degrees oflike, what does this mean?
(02:57):
And when people come throughyour doors and they're new to
your church, when you starttalking, you might pick up on
wow, you have like a traumaticexperience from a previous
church, or you have hurt frompeople at your previous church,
and neither one is wrong, it'sjust might might gauge the
(03:20):
intensity.
SPEAKER_00 (03:21):
Both of them are wrong.
SPEAKER_02 (03:22):
Sorry, not wrong to feel hurt.
Right.
I know you're that's what Imeant.
Thank you for clarifying that.
Not wrong to feel hurt, but theway that we deal with it and the
intensity of that might, youknow, vary a little bit.
So the first thing any goodpastor or ministry lead or
anyone who's trying to reachsomebody who's just hurt in
(03:45):
general is number one, be a goodlistener.
You don't have to have advice,you don't have to solve a
problem.
You just need to listen.
And I've just learned over theyears that even when people come
to me for an answer, I feel like10% of the time they actually
want an answer.
(04:06):
90% of the time they just wantto talk it out.
SPEAKER_00 (04:08):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (04:09):
Yeah.
Because then I'll be like, ohgosh, they came to me and they
asked a question.
They need advice.
Here I go.
And then I find that theyusually take the ball back and
want to do most of the talkingthemselves.
And I used to be so confused bythat.
Like, why, why did you ask me?
I didn't help you at all.
But just having a safe space totalk and process it with someone
(04:34):
who listens and is an empatheticlistener actually is a very
healing process for them.
Like just to be able to say thisstuff out loud to another human
who cares.
And so just being supercompassionate when they want to
talk and not defensive.
So saying things like, I'm sosorry that happened, is you
(04:56):
know, a compassionate response.
And then validating thosefeelings.
Like I said, like, no matterwhat the source of the hurt was,
it's not really up to us to seeif that was valid or not.
Right.
It won't make a difference, youknow.
Say deep down, you're like,what?
That makes no sense.
You weren't there, who knows?
(05:16):
And that doesn't matter,anyways.
So you just validate how theyfeel of like, yeah, like I'm so
sorry you feel that way, or Idon't blame you for feeling that
way, or wow, tell me more aboutthat, and just let them talk as
much as they want, you know, andyou don't want to overdo the
(05:37):
questions if they're somepeople, and this is where you
really need the Holy Spirit tokind of guide of like sometimes
too many questions are painful,and sometimes not enough
questions are painful.
You know, it's like, well, youdidn't care, you didn't ask, you
know, somebody was going througha hard time recently at our
church, and I could tellsomething was wrong.
(05:59):
And so I finally asked, and theywere like, Whoa, you're the
first person who's actuallyasked, and they wanted to talk
about it.
But if you sense like, I'm fine,like, you know, and they're like
almost offended, then just letit go.
And but being available to be acompassionate and empathetic
(06:20):
listener who doesn't need to fixit, solve it, or talk you out of
your pain, but just I'm here toprocess, I'm here to listen.
SPEAKER_00 (06:27):
Can too many questions even come across as
like an interrogation?
SPEAKER_02 (06:31):
I think so.
Yeah, and it depends how you askand what you're asking as well.
I think some people do take thatas a little bit like, whoa.
Yeah.
Um, but I feel like most peopleerr on the other side of like
nobody cared, nobody asked.
I think that is more of a commonscenario than guy, third degree.
(06:53):
Right.
You know, most people haveenough EQ.
There's a few in there thatprobably don't know boundaries
of questions, but I find ingeneral, general, most people
have enough EQ to but questionsthat show interest or compassion
or like availability on yourpart to keep going if they want,
(07:17):
but you can tell pretty quick ifsomeone's giving you really
short answers or somebody is notwanting to talk much about it.
And secondly, take it slow.
So if somebody has church hurt,you know, from a, you know, I
keep framing it like it's aprevious church.
I guess it could be in thechurch that you're at as well.
(07:39):
And just take it slow with them.
This kind of applies more tolike a new person at your
church, but I would say don'tpush giving or serving right off
the bat.
Like I would say there is a timein someone's faith journey
where, like, we always talkabout like be a contributor, not
(07:59):
a consumer.
But I think there really is atime in some people's faith
journey where they need to justbe a consumer, like they don't
need to be giving right now.
Um, and then let the Holy Spiritkind of lead them when it's
time, but they need to just betaken care of.
And, you know, we call thechurch a hospital, and we
(08:21):
usually put that in the sense oflike spiritually, like when
Jesus says it's not the healthythat need a doctor, it's the
sick.
And I think Jesus meantspiritually sick.
I think we can also say, like,the church can be a hospital
for, you know, the emotionallysick, you know, and I just need
(08:42):
to be taken care of by my churchfamily right now.
I think that would fit, youknow, in that definition as
well.
And so just allowing peoplespace and permission to just you
just come and we will take careof you right now.
So not pushing their involvementand then giving opportunity for
community, but not pushing ituntil they're ready.
(09:02):
Just like, hey, there's a Biblestudy Wednesday nights, of
course, you're welcome orinvited, or you know, like so
that they know, but not houndingthem to sign up for like, well,
you gotta join a Bible study,you gotta join a life group,
gotta join a small group.
Like it might not be time forthem, but just knowing that
that's available, community,small group, but you just might
(09:24):
not be ready for that.
Again, it's hard to pinpoint,like, because what is the hurt?
Yeah, you know what I mean?
But these are, you know, moregenerality.
So, and then number three, it'sincredibly important to be who
you say you are.
And this goes far beyond churchhurt, but we build trust with
(09:45):
people that are hurt, and justin general, you don't just like,
oh, you're the hurt person, soI'm gonna make sure I'm on my
best behavior.
Like, in general, this is how weone way we prevent it is we be
who we say we're gonna be.
We do what we say we're gonnado.
Like, we don't overpromise andunderdeliver to people, and we
build that trust by doing whatwe say we're gonna do.
(10:09):
Like, if you say, Hey, I'm gonnafollow up with you in a couple
of weeks, really do it.
If I say I'm gonna pray for you,really do it.
If I say like I'm gonna get youa resource of a counselor or
something like that, reallydeliver on that.
And I think people with churchhurt especially need us to be
(10:31):
reliable, need us to be peoplewho follow through on what we
say and not just be another, ohyeah, like I got lost in the
crowd and you eventually kind offorgot about me.
But like when that's happening,like whatever you've committed
to, like I'm gonna, hey, we needto go to coffee and talk about
(10:52):
this, or I'd love to take youout and you know, pray for you,
whatever you've committed to.
Don't it's it's easy in thatmoment with a hurting person.
You want to promise the world.
You want to say, I'm gonna dothis and I'm gonna do that.
And I'm gonna, you know, youwant them to feel that comfort.
However, if you don't followthrough on it, then we're sort
(11:13):
of right back where we started.
SPEAKER_00 (11:16):
Because like building it, building that trust
is like any kind of likeconstruction, it's like, how
long does it take to build ahouse?
I don't know, six months,something like that.
Slow process.
Each phase goes along.
But demoing a house, demolishinga house, that's a day.
Yeah.
Like in an instant.
So it's like you're slowlybuilding that trust, but you can
(11:36):
destroy it in a moment.
Right.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (11:38):
Good point.
And when people are already kindof emotionally vulnerable,
they're, you know, we've allbeen in that position before.
You're very sensitive to that.
Like, you know, you don't wantto be let down again, you know,
and it's not like, okay, so beperfect now.
Don't ever let anyone down, butjust be cautious of like, am I
(12:01):
acting like I'm gonna be therefor you?
Like, I remember one time I wasgoing through a really hard time
and somebody had reached out tome and I kind of like poured my
heart out, and then it wascricket.
To this day, they never wroteback.
SPEAKER_00 (12:14):
You really offended them.
SPEAKER_02 (12:16):
I know.
I was just saying, like, theyhad texted to check in, like
when my mom passed away.
And so I kind of was vulnerableand like texted them back and
told them how I was feeling andhow Christmas is really hard for
me and blah, blah, blah.
And then they just kind of neverwrote back.
I was like, okay, I assumebecause you're so busy praying
(12:38):
for me, all right.
Still, yeah.
And I mean, I can rise abovethat.
It's like they probably got busyand forgot and had no intention
of hurting me.
But if I was a vulnerable personwho was just like so untrusting
of the church, I would find thatas C one more thing, right?
(12:59):
And it's like it just depends onhow fragile you are in that
moment.
And, you know, just beingcareful that we're not adding to
this by saying, Yes, I'm gonnabe there and text you and take
you out and pray for you andpray over you and get you
plugged in and get you thisresource, and then well, where'd
you go?
You got busy, like nice, right?
(13:22):
And then use wisdom to gaugetheir desire and pace for
relationship.
So some people with church hurtreally just want space.
Like, I remember there was thiswoman who was going through a
really hard time, and I was kindof trying to be consoling and
encouraging, and she was likemad, like, because the thing she
(13:44):
did not want to happen happened,and I was just trying to be
encouraging.
She's like, I don't want to talkabout it.
Like, I don't, and I'm like,Yeah, valid, that's fine.
So gauge that, like, she wasn'tmean to me, but she was firm of
like, I can't talk about thisright now.
And so I was just sensing, oh,you really need space, so that's
okay.
And you're giving me thatsignal, I'll pray for you from
(14:06):
afar, you know, and then maybetry again later on or write you
a card or something that's verydistant so that you can do with
it what you want.
You know, someone told merecently they weren't ready to
talk about something, an area ofpain in their life.
That's totally fine.
And then I said, Well, what youcan come can count on is me
(14:29):
praying for you.
So if you don't, if if this istoo tender of a time, you know,
hurt-wise, guess what?
That's that's valid, and I'lljust be over here praying, and
that's how I'll partner with youin this season.
Yeah.
So, um, but some people don'twant to be left alone, you know?
(14:49):
So it's kind of like we have togauge a little bit, like what
are the signals people aresending us?
Like, you know, all of this asI'm saying it, what keeps coming
to mind is to be in ministry,you need to be incredibly
emotionally intelligent.
The less emotionally intelligentyou are, the harder it is going
to be to do ministry.
(15:10):
Because a lot of this stuff,it's like, where tell me where
the verses on church hurt.
Well, I can think of rejoicewith those who rejoice, weep
with those who weep.
Be, you know, that's and that'snot even specifying church hurt.
That's just, you know, a lifeprinciple, like rejoice with the
(15:31):
happy and be sad with the sad.
Don't try to pull someone out oftheir pain if they're right in
the middle of it.
Just be sit sit with them in it.
Other than that, I'm like, yeah,like where is this verse on
church hurt?
And that's why I think it's justso important to be emotionally
intelligent with the power ofthe Holy Spirit as well, to sort
(15:53):
of care well for these peopleand gauge what each individual
needs.
Because some people might say,give them space, they just need
time.
And some people might say, Noway, don't leave me alone.
Sit next to me, like be with me,drive me to church.
I don't want to show up alone,like whatever.
I mean, and I've been inministry 21 years and I've seen
(16:14):
all of that.
I've seen people who it's like,it's not gonna happen unless I
physically go to your house, getyou in my car, and we go
together.
Other people like they don'teven want to sit with their own
family, they just need space,you know?
SPEAKER_00 (16:27):
And so or the people that all they want to do is talk
about it and those who are like,that's the last thing I want to
talk about.
SPEAKER_02 (16:34):
Right.
So just being emotionallyintelligent.
I mean, I guess that all thingsto all people kind of thing.
That's probably a stretch ofthat interpretation.
But just like, what do you neednow?
And that's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna sit with you in thepain, I'm gonna listen to you
through the pain, I'm gonna bethere for you.
But just you, you're gonna needto use wisdom there.
(16:55):
And if it isn't the type ofperson who's like, please don't
leave me alone, the morerelationship, the better.
Do you have time to take them tocoffee and just listen to them?
Maybe do something extra outsidethe church walls.
Do you have time to invite themto dinner and just say, you
know, I a while ago there wassomeone going through a really
(17:15):
hard time, and we just went andhad dinner one night during the
week and just talked.
And it was like they wanted to.
That was the state they were inof like, I need someone to talk
to about this and and the painI'm going through.
And then invite.
So I think for someone goingthrough church hurt feeling very
(17:38):
included in church throughpersonal invitations.
And so, what I mean by that iswe send out a lot of general
invitations to people, like,hey, we're doing a barbecue
after church, everyone'sinvited.
However, someone going throughchurch hurt might need a
(17:59):
specific personal invitation.
Like, hey, there's a barbecueafter church, we're gonna be
sitting at this table.
Will you join us?
You know, because they'realready a little bit vulnerable.
And so showing up to things,being a part of community, they
know it's a general invite, butthey might need in the stage of
(18:21):
grief they're in to have apersonal invite and somebody
waiting for them.
Like, oh, hey, we have a rowsaved, sit with us, or we have a
table saved, sit with us, orwe're all carpooling, come with
us.
Like they just sort of need tobe adopted in a little bit more
instead of fending forthemselves of like, well, you
(18:42):
know where it is.
Right.
Well, you know what time itstarts.
SPEAKER_00 (18:44):
In general, I feel like that's always a better
invite, anyways, is like, comesit with me, come with me,
versus, you know, if you'rethere, you know, say hi, or I'll
see you at this day, or youknow, whatever, but specifically
saying, like, we'll save you aseat.
Oh man, I better go.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (19:01):
Well, and then you feel wanted, you know, like it's
so nice when people think of youspecifically and not just like,
well, we're all here, but like,hey, I saved you a seat.
Like, there's no better feelinglike when I'm going to an event
and it's a big one, and I know afew people there, and someone
will text me and say, I savedyou a seat next to me.
(19:21):
I'm like, oh good.
SPEAKER_00 (19:22):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (19:22):
Cause you know, I walk in and I don't have to be
like, all right, gauge thesituation, where do I go?
You know, just feeling like Iwas thought of, I was planned
for, I was wanted.
There was intention behind it.
And so when we do that forpeople going through church
hurt, we show a lot of, again,that extra tenderness, that
extra care where they need, youknow, that space to heal.
(19:46):
It's just easier to do whenyou've one less step of funding
for yourself.
And this really, I mean, I thinkthe tone that we're talking
about, yes, do this, number one,number two.
But the spirit of it and what Ihope is coming through is that
we're like we're protecting andwe're caring for and we're like
(20:09):
almost like nursing somebodyback to health with like a
little bit more extra tendernessand love and intentionality.
And yes, should everybody getthat?
Sure.
But the point is like they needthat extra little scoop of of
tenderness in everything andthat intentionality.
(20:30):
And then this is like somethingmaybe we shouldn't have talked
about in the beginning.
But like, how do we protectpeople from church hurt and
prevent it in the first place?
I can't control what the churchdown the street is doing, but
how within our own walls can wehope to prevent as much as
(20:52):
possible?
And you can't eradicate it, likeI said, because some of it's not
on the church level, it's likethat group of people.
Like, all right, I can'tregulate that group of people.
But I think for churchleadership, um, being a person
of integrity, being honest,being um the kind of church
leader that is the same personbehind closed doors that you are
(21:16):
in front of your congregation.
And that's one thing I loveabout working at North Coast.
Like, obviously, you don't knoweverything about everyone, but
the like I tell people all thetime, like our pastors are the
same off stage as they are onstage.
Like they're literally the sameperson.
Like, as long as I've workedhere, there's no nothing I'm
(21:38):
like, oh, hopefully no one findsout this, you know.
So being the kind of personthat's like, yeah, go through,
like, what if what if everythingwas on the table?
And, you know, obviouslyprotecting individuals' privacy,
but what if they went throughthe computers, went through the
ledgers, went through the, youknow, we're a fly on the wall on
(21:58):
a meeting?
Like, would everyone be like,yeah, sweet?
Like, I'll still go to thischurch, or would it be like, oh
my gosh, you know?
And I feel like you can onlyhold that kind of stuff in for
so long, like, and thensomething like leaks out
somehow, some way eventually.
And yeah, I'm there'll be likeindividuals, but it's like, are
(22:21):
we the kind of church that likeit could be a glass house, like
we have nothing to hide?
Um, that's I think one way weprotect people from church hurt
and caring for people very wellas well.
Like when you just sensesomething's not right, deal with
it.
If you're in church leadership,if something I think sometimes
(22:46):
we can sweep things under therug or protect certain people,
but if we're full of if we'releadership that's full of
integrity, we seek transparency,we seek accountability, and we
deal with things that need to bedealt with in a biblical way,
like obviously, but making surewe're not high like hiding
(23:09):
anybody or hiding anything orhiding like oh, like protecting
our own in a way that weshouldn't.
Thank you.
That's the word I'm looking for.
SPEAKER_00 (23:17):
The classic, you know, where the cover up is
sometimes worse than the crimeitself.
SPEAKER_02 (23:21):
Right.
And when people fall from grace,how do we handle that?
And being transparent of like,just because you're in
leadership doesn't mean you'reperfect, but okay, we deal with
what we need to deal withthough.
Nobody is above like churchdiscipline or like nobody gets
nobody's secret sin getsprotected, you know, and we hear
(23:44):
those horror stories of otherpeople knowing what's going on
and then just kind of helpingcover it up and protecting it
for years and years and yearsand years.
And I think that's where themost like egregious self or
self-hurt church hurt comes fromis those like really dark
corners of places that peoplewere willing to cover up for a
(24:08):
really long time.
And so it's important that wevet our leaders well.
But you know, even with thegreatest vetting system, people
still do things.
So vet your leaders as well asyou can.
And if you say see something,say something.
If you see something that isconcerning to you, hopefully you
(24:28):
have a church environment thatyou can bring it up and not feel
punished for it.
But you're allowed to askquestions and express your
concerns and they're takenseriously, you know.
If you see something thatdoesn't seem right, you know, or
that gives you that feeling oflike, I don't know, this is
something you might just needmore information, you know.
(24:52):
Like if you think like, why dowe do this?
Is that right?
And then you just ask a questionand it all gets cleared up, or
maybe it doesn't.
But all that to say, yeah, nocover-ups, all fully
transparent, all of that.
And then just like a few finalnotes that I just kind of
randomly was thinking abouttoday is sometimes like people
(25:13):
that are in a super vulnerableplace with church hurt just
might need some extra specialprivileges.
Like maybe they need more timewith you, maybe they need to sit
with you instead of with thekids, maybe they want to visit a
different class, or I don'tknow, just like I'm I hold the
rules and regulations a littlelooser with them because I'm
(25:34):
like, I just want you here.
Yeah, you know, so like if younot bend the rules in a way of
like you're allowed to dowhatever you want, but it's
like, oh, all the kids sit inthose chairs during service, and
this kid wants to sit with me inthe back, like fine, you know,
not the end of the world.
So I try to like, okay, the thepoint is you need to be here,
(25:55):
the point is you need to be inrelationship, and the point is
like we want you to heal.
And if I'm just such a sticklerfor like, no, you must sit here,
no, you must do that, when itdoesn't really matter, you could
say on one side, well, what ifeverybody did that?
Well, everyone's not going to,you know, and so I just try to
(26:16):
be flexible and kind of likelike there was one of our little
sixth grade boys was just havinga hard time the other day.
And this isn't church hurt.
He just was like, Will you sitin the back with me?
It's I can't sit over there withmy friends right now.
Like, and I was like, sure, youknow, and then 30 minutes later,
(26:37):
he's like, I want to go sit withmy friends.
Okay, all right, bye.
I'm glad I was able to help, youknow.
And so I instead of saying, No,this is where the sixth grade
boys are right now, and you needto go there, mister.
I just was like, Okay, let memeet you where you're at.
What do you need now?
And if it's not hurting anyoneor inconveniencing or
threatening or causing, youknow, major problems, why not?
(27:01):
Yeah, I just I'll be there foryou.
So I just try to use that lensthrough looking through even
like church hurt of like, okay,I'm here.
That's the best I can do.
Please don't make me, you know,there was a girl just having a
really hard time, and it wasn'tchurch hurt, it was more family
hurt, but it was like instead oflistening to the sermon, she
(27:24):
just needed to talk the entiretime about like, I'm I'm not
okay, like there's some stuffgoing on.
And so instead of saying, it issermon time, Missy, be quiet,
listen to whoever's teaching.
I just was sat in the back ofthe room with her and we talked
for 30 minutes and it wasfantastic.
And she was like, you know, Iwas saying in the beginning,
(27:46):
like gauging, does this personwant to talk?
Right.
So if they do, you better pullup a chair and get comfortable
because that is giving you asignal.
This is part of my healing.
I want to talk about this, Iwant to go there, I want to be
honest.
SPEAKER_00 (28:00):
But if you're prying, you know, like and
giving them the time to be ableto do that too, not like, you
know, oh well, I can't really,you know, not right now, and
then never following back up atall.
Yes, but just giving them thatengaged time, yes.
SPEAKER_02 (28:15):
And then lastly, you know, pray, duh, like pray for
them, pray with them, pray overthem, you know.
I love doing that with a kidwho's hurt in some way, and you
know, just pray for that healingfor them.
Like, can I just pray for you?
You know, and I think that meansa whole lot too.
Cause here's the thing I'm notgonna heal a kid from church
(28:39):
hurt, you know, I'm gonna dothings that God has called me to
do to be there for them, and Godcan use those actions as part of
their healing.
But we all know the true healingis always gonna come from the
Holy Spirit.
So just inviting God into thatof like, you know, I can't, I
can't take away what happened, Ican't undo it.
(29:03):
But God can heal like thosebroken places, those hurtful
places.
So I'm gonna be praying for you,but I'd like to pray for you
right now, like praying togetherand hearing them say those
words.
If you can't like maybe there'sa situation where you can't pray
for them in that moment, I'vetexted prayers to people before.
(29:23):
Like, here's because I thinkit's just something cool about
instead of just saying I'mpraying for you.
Have you ever heard someone prayfor you or heard those actual
words?
Like, I kind of get choked up.
Like, whoa, like hearing thepetition you're making on my
behalf to God and like the wordsyou're using kind of like got me
(29:45):
rather than just I'm praying foryou.
I have no idea what you said.
SPEAKER_00 (29:48):
Like, or if you even said it.
SPEAKER_02 (29:49):
Yeah.
So if I couldn't be with thatperson the moment, like I'll
text them here's what I said toGod, you know, here is the
prayer, you know, so that theycan see and hear that and that.
Is a huge ministry, I think, tothe heart, especially a hurting
heart.
SPEAKER_00 (30:04):
Yeah, absolutely.
And obviously, we've talked alot about emotional intelligence
in this episode.
If you're not familiar with whatthat is, we actually did a whole
episode with your sister manyyears ago on this podcast about
leadership and emotionalintelligence and how that can
help you in your ministry and inyour leadership.
So make sure make sure you checkthat out.
All right, let's do a communitycomment of the day.
(30:24):
This comes from MichaelMilliard, who says, Thank you
for this video.
Me and my wife just took overfor the youth group in our
church.
And I had been discouragedbecause we were small, but this
video has changed my mindcompletely and has encouraged
me.
Thank you so much.
God bless both of you.
Thank you, Michael.
This was this was the episode wedid on how to make a smaller
youth group feel much bigger.
SPEAKER_02 (30:45):
Nice.
Well, I'm so glad.
SPEAKER_00 (30:46):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (30:47):
Yay.
I'm glad it was anencouragement, Michael, and
thank you for the comment.
SPEAKER_00 (30:50):
We appreciate you.
And we thank you guys forwatching and listening.
And we'll see you next time.
How can we as youth pastors help people navigate
their church earth?
That's what we're talking abouttoday on the Ministry Coach
Podcast.
SPEAKER_00 (00:19):
Welcome to the Ministry Coach Podcast, where we
bring you weekly tips andtactics to help you fast track
the growth and health of youryouth ministry.
My name is Jeff Lascola, andthis is Kristen Lascola.
SPEAKER_02 (00:29):
And today's episode is brought to you by one of our
listeners, actually, named KaraDaniel.
She wrote in a couple of episodeideas and they were really good.
So we're going to do one of themtoday.
And you might not know that as alistener, that you can.
You can email us.
If you are like, I wish they'dreally talk about this.
SPEAKER_00 (00:48):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (00:48):
Go ahead.
SPEAKER_00 (00:49):
We we really wish you would email in because it's
what you want answers to, iswhat makes a great episode.
SPEAKER_02 (00:55):
Yeah, agreed.
So where can they email someideas?
SPEAKER_00 (00:59):
Glad you asked that question, Kristen.
Uh, you can email us atministrycoachpodcast at
gmail.com or you can message usat Instagram, DM us, you know,
whatever, and we should getthose messages.
SPEAKER_02 (01:10):
Yeah.
So um she had a great idea forhow to minister to people with
church hurt.
And this is probably one of thesaddest scenarios, you know,
because I think as pastors,ministers, youth workers,
whatever, we always just knowthat the world will hurt you.
Like, of course, like thingshappen and relationships break
(01:31):
down and there's sickness and,you know, loss of a family
member, loss of a job, and wesee our families going through
difficult times.
But then to think it was causedby the church itself, where this
is supposed to be the peep theplace that people find healing
and refuge and love.
(01:52):
And when they find the oppositethere, when that's the source of
the hurt, it is just to me, justlike uh extra helping of pain.
And it's so sad.
And people aren't perfect.
And church hurt, the term iskind of loose because that could
be a myriad of things.
(02:13):
Like it could be hardcore, likethere was scandal, there was
abuse, there was something, youknow, that maybe somebody's
actually been like arrested, youknow, for something that
happened.
But then there's church hurttoo.
That is maybe a group of people,like it wasn't the church entity
(02:37):
itself, but it was like a groupof people at church who hurt
you.
Like there was a click that leftyou out, or there was someone
who gossiped about you.
And that is like people hurt,not necessarily church hurt,
church people hurt, whatever.
I don't know.
But there is varying degrees oflike, what does this mean?
(02:57):
And when people come throughyour doors and they're new to
your church, when you starttalking, you might pick up on
wow, you have like a traumaticexperience from a previous
church, or you have hurt frompeople at your previous church,
and neither one is wrong, it'sjust might might gauge the
(03:20):
intensity.
SPEAKER_00 (03:21):
Both of them are wrong.
SPEAKER_02 (03:22):
Sorry, not wrong to feel hurt.
Right.
I know you're that's what Imeant.
Thank you for clarifying that.
Not wrong to feel hurt, but theway that we deal with it and the
intensity of that might, youknow, vary a little bit.
So the first thing any goodpastor or ministry lead or
anyone who's trying to reachsomebody who's just hurt in
(03:45):
general is number one, be a goodlistener.
You don't have to have advice,you don't have to solve a
problem.
You just need to listen.
And I've just learned over theyears that even when people come
to me for an answer, I feel like10% of the time they actually
want an answer.
(04:06):
90% of the time they just wantto talk it out.
SPEAKER_00 (04:08):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (04:09):
Yeah.
Because then I'll be like, ohgosh, they came to me and they
asked a question.
They need advice.
Here I go.
And then I find that theyusually take the ball back and
want to do most of the talkingthemselves.
And I used to be so confused bythat.
Like, why, why did you ask me?
I didn't help you at all.
But just having a safe space totalk and process it with someone
(04:34):
who listens and is an empatheticlistener actually is a very
healing process for them.
Like just to be able to say thisstuff out loud to another human
who cares.
And so just being supercompassionate when they want to
talk and not defensive.
So saying things like, I'm sosorry that happened, is you
(04:56):
know, a compassionate response.
And then validating thosefeelings.
Like I said, like, no matterwhat the source of the hurt was,
it's not really up to us to seeif that was valid or not.
Right.
It won't make a difference, youknow.
Say deep down, you're like,what?
That makes no sense.
You weren't there, who knows?
(05:16):
And that doesn't matter,anyways.
So you just validate how theyfeel of like, yeah, like I'm so
sorry you feel that way, or Idon't blame you for feeling that
way, or wow, tell me more aboutthat, and just let them talk as
much as they want, you know, andyou don't want to overdo the
(05:37):
questions if they're somepeople, and this is where you
really need the Holy Spirit tokind of guide of like sometimes
too many questions are painful,and sometimes not enough
questions are painful.
You know, it's like, well, youdidn't care, you didn't ask, you
know, somebody was going througha hard time recently at our
church, and I could tellsomething was wrong.
(05:59):
And so I finally asked, and theywere like, Whoa, you're the
first person who's actuallyasked, and they wanted to talk
about it.
But if you sense like, I'm fine,like, you know, and they're like
almost offended, then just letit go.
And but being available to be acompassionate and empathetic
(06:20):
listener who doesn't need to fixit, solve it, or talk you out of
your pain, but just I'm here toprocess, I'm here to listen.
SPEAKER_00 (06:27):
Can too many questions even come across as
like an interrogation?
SPEAKER_02 (06:31):
I think so.
Yeah, and it depends how you askand what you're asking as well.
I think some people do take thatas a little bit like, whoa.
Yeah.
Um, but I feel like most peopleerr on the other side of like
nobody cared, nobody asked.
I think that is more of a commonscenario than guy, third degree.
(06:53):
Right.
You know, most people haveenough EQ.
There's a few in there thatprobably don't know boundaries
of questions, but I find ingeneral, general, most people
have enough EQ to but questionsthat show interest or compassion
or like availability on yourpart to keep going if they want,
(07:17):
but you can tell pretty quick ifsomeone's giving you really
short answers or somebody is notwanting to talk much about it.
And secondly, take it slow.
So if somebody has church hurt,you know, from a, you know, I
keep framing it like it's aprevious church.
I guess it could be in thechurch that you're at as well.
(07:39):
And just take it slow with them.
This kind of applies more tolike a new person at your
church, but I would say don'tpush giving or serving right off
the bat.
Like I would say there is a timein someone's faith journey
where, like, we always talkabout like be a contributor, not
(07:59):
a consumer.
But I think there really is atime in some people's faith
journey where they need to justbe a consumer, like they don't
need to be giving right now.
Um, and then let the Holy Spiritkind of lead them when it's
time, but they need to just betaken care of.
And, you know, we call thechurch a hospital, and we
(08:21):
usually put that in the sense oflike spiritually, like when
Jesus says it's not the healthythat need a doctor, it's the
sick.
And I think Jesus meantspiritually sick.
I think we can also say, like,the church can be a hospital
for, you know, the emotionallysick, you know, and I just need
(08:42):
to be taken care of by my churchfamily right now.
I think that would fit, youknow, in that definition as
well.
And so just allowing peoplespace and permission to just you
just come and we will take careof you right now.
So not pushing their involvementand then giving opportunity for
community, but not pushing ituntil they're ready.
(09:02):
Just like, hey, there's a Biblestudy Wednesday nights, of
course, you're welcome orinvited, or you know, like so
that they know, but not houndingthem to sign up for like, well,
you gotta join a Bible study,you gotta join a life group,
gotta join a small group.
Like it might not be time forthem, but just knowing that
that's available, community,small group, but you just might
(09:24):
not be ready for that.
Again, it's hard to pinpoint,like, because what is the hurt?
Yeah, you know what I mean?
But these are, you know, moregenerality.
So, and then number three, it'sincredibly important to be who
you say you are.
And this goes far beyond churchhurt, but we build trust with
(09:45):
people that are hurt, and justin general, you don't just like,
oh, you're the hurt person, soI'm gonna make sure I'm on my
best behavior.
Like, in general, this is how weone way we prevent it is we be
who we say we're gonna be.
We do what we say we're gonnado.
Like, we don't overpromise andunderdeliver to people, and we
build that trust by doing whatwe say we're gonna do.
(10:09):
Like, if you say, Hey, I'm gonnafollow up with you in a couple
of weeks, really do it.
If I say I'm gonna pray for you,really do it.
If I say like I'm gonna get youa resource of a counselor or
something like that, reallydeliver on that.
And I think people with churchhurt especially need us to be
(10:31):
reliable, need us to be peoplewho follow through on what we
say and not just be another, ohyeah, like I got lost in the
crowd and you eventually kind offorgot about me.
But like when that's happening,like whatever you've committed
to, like I'm gonna, hey, we needto go to coffee and talk about
(10:52):
this, or I'd love to take youout and you know, pray for you,
whatever you've committed to.
Don't it's it's easy in thatmoment with a hurting person.
You want to promise the world.
You want to say, I'm gonna dothis and I'm gonna do that.
And I'm gonna, you know, youwant them to feel that comfort.
However, if you don't followthrough on it, then we're sort
(11:13):
of right back where we started.
SPEAKER_00 (11:16):
Because like building it, building that trust
is like any kind of likeconstruction, it's like, how
long does it take to build ahouse?
I don't know, six months,something like that.
Slow process.
Each phase goes along.
But demoing a house, demolishinga house, that's a day.
Yeah.
Like in an instant.
So it's like you're slowlybuilding that trust, but you can
(11:36):
destroy it in a moment.
Right.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (11:38):
Good point.
And when people are already kindof emotionally vulnerable,
they're, you know, we've allbeen in that position before.
You're very sensitive to that.
Like, you know, you don't wantto be let down again, you know,
and it's not like, okay, so beperfect now.
Don't ever let anyone down, butjust be cautious of like, am I
(12:01):
acting like I'm gonna be therefor you?
Like, I remember one time I wasgoing through a really hard time
and somebody had reached out tome and I kind of like poured my
heart out, and then it wascricket.
To this day, they never wroteback.
SPEAKER_00 (12:14):
You really offended them.
SPEAKER_02 (12:16):
I know.
I was just saying, like, theyhad texted to check in, like
when my mom passed away.
And so I kind of was vulnerableand like texted them back and
told them how I was feeling andhow Christmas is really hard for
me and blah, blah, blah.
And then they just kind of neverwrote back.
I was like, okay, I assumebecause you're so busy praying
(12:38):
for me, all right.
Still, yeah.
And I mean, I can rise abovethat.
It's like they probably got busyand forgot and had no intention
of hurting me.
But if I was a vulnerable personwho was just like so untrusting
of the church, I would find thatas C one more thing, right?
(12:59):
And it's like it just depends onhow fragile you are in that
moment.
And, you know, just beingcareful that we're not adding to
this by saying, Yes, I'm gonnabe there and text you and take
you out and pray for you andpray over you and get you
plugged in and get you thisresource, and then well, where'd
you go?
You got busy, like nice, right?
(13:22):
And then use wisdom to gaugetheir desire and pace for
relationship.
So some people with church hurtreally just want space.
Like, I remember there was thiswoman who was going through a
really hard time, and I was kindof trying to be consoling and
encouraging, and she was likemad, like, because the thing she
(13:44):
did not want to happen happened,and I was just trying to be
encouraging.
She's like, I don't want to talkabout it.
Like, I don't, and I'm like,Yeah, valid, that's fine.
So gauge that, like, she wasn'tmean to me, but she was firm of
like, I can't talk about thisright now.
And so I was just sensing, oh,you really need space, so that's
okay.
And you're giving me thatsignal, I'll pray for you from
(14:06):
afar, you know, and then maybetry again later on or write you
a card or something that's verydistant so that you can do with
it what you want.
You know, someone told merecently they weren't ready to
talk about something, an area ofpain in their life.
That's totally fine.
And then I said, Well, what youcan come can count on is me
(14:29):
praying for you.
So if you don't, if if this istoo tender of a time, you know,
hurt-wise, guess what?
That's that's valid, and I'lljust be over here praying, and
that's how I'll partner with youin this season.
Yeah.
So, um, but some people don'twant to be left alone, you know?
(14:49):
So it's kind of like we have togauge a little bit, like what
are the signals people aresending us?
Like, you know, all of this asI'm saying it, what keeps coming
to mind is to be in ministry,you need to be incredibly
emotionally intelligent.
The less emotionally intelligentyou are, the harder it is going
to be to do ministry.
(15:10):
Because a lot of this stuff,it's like, where tell me where
the verses on church hurt.
Well, I can think of rejoicewith those who rejoice, weep
with those who weep.
Be, you know, that's and that'snot even specifying church hurt.
That's just, you know, a lifeprinciple, like rejoice with the
(15:31):
happy and be sad with the sad.
Don't try to pull someone out oftheir pain if they're right in
the middle of it.
Just be sit sit with them in it.
Other than that, I'm like, yeah,like where is this verse on
church hurt?
And that's why I think it's justso important to be emotionally
intelligent with the power ofthe Holy Spirit as well, to sort
(15:53):
of care well for these peopleand gauge what each individual
needs.
Because some people might say,give them space, they just need
time.
And some people might say, Noway, don't leave me alone.
Sit next to me, like be with me,drive me to church.
I don't want to show up alone,like whatever.
I mean, and I've been inministry 21 years and I've seen
(16:14):
all of that.
I've seen people who it's like,it's not gonna happen unless I
physically go to your house, getyou in my car, and we go
together.
Other people like they don'teven want to sit with their own
family, they just need space,you know?
SPEAKER_00 (16:27):
And so or the people that all they want to do is talk
about it and those who are like,that's the last thing I want to
talk about.
SPEAKER_02 (16:34):
Right.
So just being emotionallyintelligent.
I mean, I guess that all thingsto all people kind of thing.
That's probably a stretch ofthat interpretation.
But just like, what do you neednow?
And that's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna sit with you in thepain, I'm gonna listen to you
through the pain, I'm gonna bethere for you.
But just you, you're gonna needto use wisdom there.
(16:55):
And if it isn't the type ofperson who's like, please don't
leave me alone, the morerelationship, the better.
Do you have time to take them tocoffee and just listen to them?
Maybe do something extra outsidethe church walls.
Do you have time to invite themto dinner and just say, you
know, I a while ago there wassomeone going through a really
(17:15):
hard time, and we just went andhad dinner one night during the
week and just talked.
And it was like they wanted to.
That was the state they were inof like, I need someone to talk
to about this and and the painI'm going through.
And then invite.
So I think for someone goingthrough church hurt feeling very
(17:38):
included in church throughpersonal invitations.
And so, what I mean by that iswe send out a lot of general
invitations to people, like,hey, we're doing a barbecue
after church, everyone'sinvited.
However, someone going throughchurch hurt might need a
(17:59):
specific personal invitation.
Like, hey, there's a barbecueafter church, we're gonna be
sitting at this table.
Will you join us?
You know, because they'realready a little bit vulnerable.
And so showing up to things,being a part of community, they
know it's a general invite, butthey might need in the stage of
(18:21):
grief they're in to have apersonal invite and somebody
waiting for them.
Like, oh, hey, we have a rowsaved, sit with us, or we have a
table saved, sit with us, orwe're all carpooling, come with
us.
Like they just sort of need tobe adopted in a little bit more
instead of fending forthemselves of like, well, you
(18:42):
know where it is.
Right.
Well, you know what time itstarts.
SPEAKER_00 (18:44):
In general, I feel like that's always a better
invite, anyways, is like, comesit with me, come with me,
versus, you know, if you'rethere, you know, say hi, or I'll
see you at this day, or youknow, whatever, but specifically
saying, like, we'll save you aseat.
Oh man, I better go.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (19:01):
Well, and then you feel wanted, you know, like it's
so nice when people think of youspecifically and not just like,
well, we're all here, but like,hey, I saved you a seat.
Like, there's no better feelinglike when I'm going to an event
and it's a big one, and I know afew people there, and someone
will text me and say, I savedyou a seat next to me.
(19:21):
I'm like, oh good.
SPEAKER_00 (19:22):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (19:22):
Cause you know, I walk in and I don't have to be
like, all right, gauge thesituation, where do I go?
You know, just feeling like Iwas thought of, I was planned
for, I was wanted.
There was intention behind it.
And so when we do that forpeople going through church
hurt, we show a lot of, again,that extra tenderness, that
extra care where they need, youknow, that space to heal.
(19:46):
It's just easier to do whenyou've one less step of funding
for yourself.
And this really, I mean, I thinkthe tone that we're talking
about, yes, do this, number one,number two.
But the spirit of it and what Ihope is coming through is that
we're like we're protecting andwe're caring for and we're like
(20:09):
almost like nursing somebodyback to health with like a
little bit more extra tendernessand love and intentionality.
And yes, should everybody getthat?
Sure.
But the point is like they needthat extra little scoop of of
tenderness in everything andthat intentionality.
(20:30):
And then this is like somethingmaybe we shouldn't have talked
about in the beginning.
But like, how do we protectpeople from church hurt and
prevent it in the first place?
I can't control what the churchdown the street is doing, but
how within our own walls can wehope to prevent as much as
(20:52):
possible?
And you can't eradicate it, likeI said, because some of it's not
on the church level, it's likethat group of people.
Like, all right, I can'tregulate that group of people.
But I think for churchleadership, um, being a person
of integrity, being honest,being um the kind of church
leader that is the same personbehind closed doors that you are
(21:16):
in front of your congregation.
And that's one thing I loveabout working at North Coast.
Like, obviously, you don't knoweverything about everyone, but
the like I tell people all thetime, like our pastors are the
same off stage as they are onstage.
Like they're literally the sameperson.
Like, as long as I've workedhere, there's no nothing I'm
(21:38):
like, oh, hopefully no one findsout this, you know.
So being the kind of personthat's like, yeah, go through,
like, what if what if everythingwas on the table?
And, you know, obviouslyprotecting individuals' privacy,
but what if they went throughthe computers, went through the
ledgers, went through the, youknow, we're a fly on the wall on
(21:58):
a meeting?
Like, would everyone be like,yeah, sweet?
Like, I'll still go to thischurch, or would it be like, oh
my gosh, you know?
And I feel like you can onlyhold that kind of stuff in for
so long, like, and thensomething like leaks out
somehow, some way eventually.
And yeah, I'm there'll be likeindividuals, but it's like, are
(22:21):
we the kind of church that likeit could be a glass house, like
we have nothing to hide?
Um, that's I think one way weprotect people from church hurt
and caring for people very wellas well.
Like when you just sensesomething's not right, deal with
it.
If you're in church leadership,if something I think sometimes
(22:46):
we can sweep things under therug or protect certain people,
but if we're full of if we'releadership that's full of
integrity, we seek transparency,we seek accountability, and we
deal with things that need to bedealt with in a biblical way,
like obviously, but making surewe're not high like hiding
(23:09):
anybody or hiding anything orhiding like oh, like protecting
our own in a way that weshouldn't.
Thank you.
That's the word I'm looking for.
SPEAKER_00 (23:17):
The classic, you know, where the cover up is
sometimes worse than the crimeitself.
SPEAKER_02 (23:21):
Right.
And when people fall from grace,how do we handle that?
And being transparent of like,just because you're in
leadership doesn't mean you'reperfect, but okay, we deal with
what we need to deal withthough.
Nobody is above like churchdiscipline or like nobody gets
nobody's secret sin getsprotected, you know, and we hear
(23:44):
those horror stories of otherpeople knowing what's going on
and then just kind of helpingcover it up and protecting it
for years and years and yearsand years.
And I think that's where themost like egregious self or
self-hurt church hurt comes fromis those like really dark
corners of places that peoplewere willing to cover up for a
(24:08):
really long time.
And so it's important that wevet our leaders well.
But you know, even with thegreatest vetting system, people
still do things.
So vet your leaders as well asyou can.
And if you say see something,say something.
If you see something that isconcerning to you, hopefully you
(24:28):
have a church environment thatyou can bring it up and not feel
punished for it.
But you're allowed to askquestions and express your
concerns and they're takenseriously, you know.
If you see something thatdoesn't seem right, you know, or
that gives you that feeling oflike, I don't know, this is
something you might just needmore information, you know.
(24:52):
Like if you think like, why dowe do this?
Is that right?
And then you just ask a questionand it all gets cleared up, or
maybe it doesn't.
But all that to say, yeah, nocover-ups, all fully
transparent, all of that.
And then just like a few finalnotes that I just kind of
randomly was thinking abouttoday is sometimes like people
(25:13):
that are in a super vulnerableplace with church hurt just
might need some extra specialprivileges.
Like maybe they need more timewith you, maybe they need to sit
with you instead of with thekids, maybe they want to visit a
different class, or I don'tknow, just like I'm I hold the
rules and regulations a littlelooser with them because I'm
(25:34):
like, I just want you here.
Yeah, you know, so like if younot bend the rules in a way of
like you're allowed to dowhatever you want, but it's
like, oh, all the kids sit inthose chairs during service, and
this kid wants to sit with me inthe back, like fine, you know,
not the end of the world.
So I try to like, okay, the thepoint is you need to be here,
(25:55):
the point is you need to be inrelationship, and the point is
like we want you to heal.
And if I'm just such a sticklerfor like, no, you must sit here,
no, you must do that, when itdoesn't really matter, you could
say on one side, well, what ifeverybody did that?
Well, everyone's not going to,you know, and so I just try to
(26:16):
be flexible and kind of likelike there was one of our little
sixth grade boys was just havinga hard time the other day.
And this isn't church hurt.
He just was like, Will you sitin the back with me?
It's I can't sit over there withmy friends right now.
Like, and I was like, sure, youknow, and then 30 minutes later,
(26:37):
he's like, I want to go sit withmy friends.
Okay, all right, bye.
I'm glad I was able to help, youknow.
And so I instead of saying, No,this is where the sixth grade
boys are right now, and you needto go there, mister.
I just was like, Okay, let memeet you where you're at.
What do you need now?
And if it's not hurting anyoneor inconveniencing or
threatening or causing, youknow, major problems, why not?
(27:01):
Yeah, I just I'll be there foryou.
So I just try to use that lensthrough looking through even
like church hurt of like, okay,I'm here.
That's the best I can do.
Please don't make me, you know,there was a girl just having a
really hard time, and it wasn'tchurch hurt, it was more family
hurt, but it was like instead oflistening to the sermon, she
(27:24):
just needed to talk the entiretime about like, I'm I'm not
okay, like there's some stuffgoing on.
And so instead of saying, it issermon time, Missy, be quiet,
listen to whoever's teaching.
I just was sat in the back ofthe room with her and we talked
for 30 minutes and it wasfantastic.
And she was like, you know, Iwas saying in the beginning,
(27:46):
like gauging, does this personwant to talk?
Right.
So if they do, you better pullup a chair and get comfortable
because that is giving you asignal.
This is part of my healing.
I want to talk about this, Iwant to go there, I want to be
honest.
SPEAKER_00 (28:00):
But if you're prying, you know, like and
giving them the time to be ableto do that too, not like, you
know, oh well, I can't really,you know, not right now, and
then never following back up atall.
Yes, but just giving them thatengaged time, yes.
SPEAKER_02 (28:15):
And then lastly, you know, pray, duh, like pray for
them, pray with them, pray overthem, you know.
I love doing that with a kidwho's hurt in some way, and you
know, just pray for that healingfor them.
Like, can I just pray for you?
You know, and I think that meansa whole lot too.
Cause here's the thing I'm notgonna heal a kid from church
(28:39):
hurt, you know, I'm gonna dothings that God has called me to
do to be there for them, and Godcan use those actions as part of
their healing.
But we all know the true healingis always gonna come from the
Holy Spirit.
So just inviting God into thatof like, you know, I can't, I
can't take away what happened, Ican't undo it.
(29:03):
But God can heal like thosebroken places, those hurtful
places.
So I'm gonna be praying for you,but I'd like to pray for you
right now, like praying togetherand hearing them say those
words.
If you can't like maybe there'sa situation where you can't pray
for them in that moment, I'vetexted prayers to people before.
(29:23):
Like, here's because I thinkit's just something cool about
instead of just saying I'mpraying for you.
Have you ever heard someone prayfor you or heard those actual
words?
Like, I kind of get choked up.
Like, whoa, like hearing thepetition you're making on my
behalf to God and like the wordsyou're using kind of like got me
(29:45):
rather than just I'm praying foryou.
I have no idea what you said.
SPEAKER_00 (29:48):
Like, or if you even said it.
SPEAKER_02 (29:49):
Yeah.
So if I couldn't be with thatperson the moment, like I'll
text them here's what I said toGod, you know, here is the
prayer, you know, so that theycan see and hear that and that.
Is a huge ministry, I think, tothe heart, especially a hurting
heart.
SPEAKER_00 (30:04):
Yeah, absolutely.
And obviously, we've talked alot about emotional intelligence
in this episode.
If you're not familiar with whatthat is, we actually did a whole
episode with your sister manyyears ago on this podcast about
leadership and emotionalintelligence and how that can
help you in your ministry and inyour leadership.
So make sure make sure you checkthat out.
All right, let's do a communitycomment of the day.
(30:24):
This comes from MichaelMilliard, who says, Thank you
for this video.
Me and my wife just took overfor the youth group in our
church.
And I had been discouragedbecause we were small, but this
video has changed my mindcompletely and has encouraged
me.
Thank you so much.
God bless both of you.
Thank you, Michael.
This was this was the episode wedid on how to make a smaller
youth group feel much bigger.
SPEAKER_02 (30:45):
Nice.
Well, I'm so glad.
SPEAKER_00 (30:46):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (30:47):
Yay.
I'm glad it was anencouragement, Michael, and
thank you for the comment.
SPEAKER_00 (30:50):
We appreciate you.
And we thank you guys forwatching and listening.
And we'll see you next time.
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