July 18, 2025 • 42 mins
KARE 11’s Karla Hult is an Emmy, Edward R. Murrow, and Walter Cronkite award-winning journalist. Her favorite stories are those shared from the heart, including her award-winning documentary of her family’s own Alzheimer’s journey.
“We are trying to walk alongside them in a way that is respectful and honors their dignity. That is ultimately what made me pause after our marathon with my dad and say, what more can I do to share and uplift others?”
In 2021, Karla launched “So Many Goodbyes,” a mission to support and educate families, caregivers, and the greater community about the dementia crisis and how families can cope, find joy, and not feel alone on the journey.
More info: www.somanygoodbyes.com
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
I recently heard someone say oneof the issues with asking
(00:04):
anybody who's successful askingthem for advice is that they
tell you what they do now.
Hmm.
Not what they did when they werein your current position.
This influencer advocated thatyou should not ask somebody how
are you maintaining your successin some endeavor right now, the
(00:24):
question you need to ask is howdid you achieve your success or
work through that challenge whenyou were at the stage that we
we're at right now?
Mm-hmm.
so happy to be joined In studiotoday by Carla Halt, an Emmy
Edward r Murrow and WalterCronkite, award-winning
journalist.
(00:45):
Her favorite stories includethose touching on international,
political and social issues, andof course stories shared from
the heart, including heraward-winning documentary of her
family's own Alzheimer'sjourney.
Carla, welcome.
Oh, thank you.
You graduated magna cum laudePhi Beta Kappa from St.
Olaf in Minnesota.
(01:06):
Then went on to a Master's ofInternational Affairs from
Columbia University in New York,where you also earned a writing
fellowship.
2021.
You launched so many goodbyes, amission to support and educate
families, caregivers, thelong-term care community.
In the greater community aboutthe dementia crisis and how
(01:26):
families can cope and find joyon that journey.
On top of that, still on Care11, the Minneapolis NBC
affiliate, while also serving asan mc and advocate for the
Alzheimer's Association andother organizations committed to
helping the underserved in ourgreater and global communities.
Mm-hmm.
You are one busy, how do youbalance all of this?
(01:50):
I am busy and sometimes a littlebit overwhelmed, but I will say.
Say that.
I think I discovered with mydad's dementia journey and all
of the channel challenges thatit brought to me personally and
to our family collectively, Ithink I really realized, you
know, life is short and I wannaanswer the callings and the
(02:12):
missions.
That reveal themselves to me.
And this is absolutely themission that I feel called to do
right now.
So, yeah, I think I, I, I makeit happen by a really long days,
sometimes long nights, evenovernighters, yikes.
Which I'm way too old to admitto doing, but sometimes I have
to pull an occasionalall-nighter just to get my
(02:33):
podcast done or what have you.
But it's all worth it because Ireally feel called to do what
I'm doing right now.
We often hear Alzheimer'sdisease referred to as the long
goodbye.
Mm-hmm.
But you prefer so many goodbyesbecause saying goodbye to your
(02:55):
loved one's, ability to talk andwalk and remember.
Mm-hmm.
What are some of the unansweredquestions?
Yeah.
I think that you know, the longgoodbye, it's apt.
It describes it generally, butit doesn't do justice in my mind
to all of those individualgoodbyes that we experience over
(03:17):
the course of this ultimatelycruel disease.
And that does include, oh, mydad can no longer give me the
advice he once gave me.
He can no longer really processthe problem, let alone begin to
contemplate a solution.
My dad now can no longerphysically get up to greet me,
and that's despite the fact heran physical marathons or the
(03:39):
fact that he was this incrediblehockey player who shared the
rink the ice with like WendyAnderson.
Than the former governor orhello Herbie Brooks.
You know, people who we know inMinnesota, even in the country,
even the world, were incrediblehockey leaders and geniuses.
You know, he's not able to dothat.
You, I also had to strugglewith, as everyone does during
(04:02):
this journey with, you know,saying goodbye to that person
who, who could recognize me ashis daughter, and knowing that
those individual goodbyes.
Take their toll over months andyears, sometimes even decades.
I felt like that is a much moreaccurate description of the
(04:23):
journey.
It is so many goodbyes for thefamily, for the loved one, and
for even the person living withdementia.
What advice would you givesomeone who's on the early end
of accompanying a family memberand a loved one through this
next chapter?
(04:45):
First of all, I just want you toknow you are not alone.
I.
When you first realize this, andit may be subtle at first, you
may be realizing, wow, mom, dad,my husband, my wife, my partner,
they really seem to be losingthe keys even more.
You know?
They really seem to be nottracking the conversations even
(05:06):
more.
When you make this.
Realization when you reallyrecognize it's begun, and it
might be a formal diagnosis, butit might be something that you
know personally before you evenget that medical perspective,
give yourself some grace.
And again, know that you are notalone.
(05:26):
And I think it's important tojust pause in that moment and,
you know, recognize this is not,no one wants this diagnosis.
And yes, there is still joy tobe had during the journey and we
can talk about that, but in thismoment, it's okay to feel sad.
And to feel disappointed thatthis next chapter is going to
(05:50):
play out differently than any ofyou would have written it.
But again, I keep coming back toyou are not alone.
So when you make that firstrealization, when you, your
journey is just starting afterthat initial grace of giving
yourself that initial wave ofgrief and allowing yourself the
time to process that afteraccepting that this is your new
(06:12):
reality, then.
Transition to, okay, I'm notalone, so where's my village?
You know, who are my friends?
Who are my family members?
Who are those communityresources that can walk
alongside me through what willbe ultimately a marathon of
sorts?
(06:33):
How common is it for someone inthat initial stage to say, you
know what, we'll just go withthis alone.
We don't wanna tell anybody.
We'll just, we'll just get intoour little silo here and not.
Leverage any resources.
Yeah, completely common.
Really?
Oh, absolutely.
It's absolutely natural becauseit's such an isolating journey
(06:54):
and you feel like you are theonly person experiencing it.
You know?
You are in your home.
Or your loved one's home.
You are seeing this firsthand.
You aren't seeing the seven plusmillion people in this, this
country alone who are goingthrough the same thing.
You aren't seeing thatfirsthand, and so you feel like
you're absolutely the only onewho can understand and
(07:17):
appreciate this so.
I will say give yourselfpermission and accept that,
okay, yeah, I feel like I'malone.
And then, you know, try yourbest to earnestly.
And it might take some, youknow, intentional thought, try
to shift gears to say, wait asecond.
I know objectively this ishappening to other people too,
(07:38):
and those other people mighthave some wisdom and might have
some support for me, for myloved ones, for my family that
can uplift us during ourjourney.
Your family started yourAlzheimer's marathon.
Mm-hmm.
Basically your dad's finalmarathon, so to speak, about a
(08:00):
decade ago, you really had noidea that unrelenting grief
decisions that wereoverwhelming, that awaited at
every milestone.
Mm-hmm.
but as you've talked about andcontinue to do so that, that,
that marathon.
Is your motivation to helpothers on the course mm-hmm.
(08:21):
With this disease?
Absolutely.
All of that, it was, that washow and why I am here right now
and why I am doing what I'mdoing.
I will start by saying this.
My dad was my person, you know,he was.
He, I was a daddy's girl, but Iwas a daddy's girl for a reason.
(08:44):
He was so, I mean, yes, largerthan life, at least larger than
my life.
He was an incredible human.
Was he perfect?
Everyone has flaws.
No one's perfect, but he wassomeone who was rough and
tumble.
Born on St.
Paul's east side, one of fivekids, you know, not an easy
childhood.
You know, his parents weredivorced long before society,
(09:04):
and our greater community reallysupported families.
Who had, you know, individualsolo parents and he had a tough
step, uh, uh, a fa a stepfatherwho wasn't exactly supportive
and, and could be outrightabusive.
You know, it, it was a hardchildhood.
But he persisted and hepersevered alongside his twin
brother, my beloved Uncle Billalso who died of Alzheimer's.
(09:29):
And, you know.
They persisted, and then my dadends up going to college.
He ends up with his career at3M.
What did he do in college?
He was a business engineeringdegree, and so that was his
background.
He initially was at Hamlin andthen Heran, uh, he transferred
to the U and did not play hockeythere.
(09:49):
But he was a real student and sohad a great experience in terms
of, you know, it was affordablefor him.
And that was really a key aspectat that time.
And during that chapter of hislife, so he was at the U, he
ended up getting that businessengineering degree strictly an
under degree.
Undergraduate degree, but he wasable to transition that into
(10:10):
this wonderful career at 3Mwhere he worked in, and this
will be lost on most of us, butfor some of the 3M folks,
they'll appreciate it.
He was an inner system and dataprocessing, so he was kind of
internal and he managed a lot offolks.
And I will say, you know, lateron in life and when I shared a
lot about my dad and my dad'sstory, and certainly after his
(10:31):
passing, I heard from some ofhis.
3M colleagues.
Some of my favorite feedbackthat I heard was how ethical he
was, and they specifically notedat a time at 3M in his division
that was really political and alittle bit sensitive, he walked
that ethical line.
Always, and he was just a goodhuman.
(10:52):
So he showed up as a good humanat his workplace and definitely
within his family.
And he volunteered at our churchin St.
Paul's east side still.
And he volunteered in thecommunity and he was just there
for us.
As his three strong daughters,and he was my person, the person
I would call if I had issues orquestions or what should I do
(11:12):
here?
He was that person.
And my favorite story, and Ifeel like this is important to
mention because I really believewhen we talk about Alzheimer's
and other dementia, that we needto recognize that it isn't
strictly the person.
You see in a care community oreven that you may have in your
family who could no longerverbalize, this is a person who
(11:33):
lived a full and beautiful andvibrant life.
And so my favorite story aboutmy dad is when I was in grad
school and I was about tograduate.
And I was engaged to be marriedto a high school sweetheart, and
we were just a few months out ofour wedding.
Well, my fiance at the time Andwhat year was this?
This was, oh gosh, now I have toremember my year.
Oh, 2000?
It was 2000.
Okay.
And he calls it off.
(11:55):
Yeah, seriously.
Wedding dress already purchased,big wedding planned.
It was gonna be huge.
Fortunately the invitationshadn't yet gone out, but they
had been picked and evenordered, so it was a big deal
and I was wrapping up.
My graduate education.
And so I was heartbroken and Iwas exhausted trying to do this,
and I had to shift gears.
My whole life had been turnedupside down'cause he had been a
(12:17):
lawyer in New York City where Iwas at graduate in graduate
school.
And so I was planning to stay inNew York and kind of do some
writing work, which I couldn'tafford to do strictly on my own.
So I was gonna have to shiftgears with my job and
everything.
So long story short.
I am an upheaval my life, myheart is broken.
I'm challenged to just getthrough the day in and day out,
(12:38):
let alone end this chapteralready my dad recognizing that
I need to pack up my apartmentand move and make all these
major decisions.
Ordered himself got online orcalled probably at the time, I
don't even know how he orderedhis ticket, but he gets a plane
ticket, a red eye.
He flies to Philadelphia wherehe waits all night in the 30th
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Street station, I think that'swhat it's called in
Philadelphia, until the nextmorning he catches the first
train up to New York City andthere still on no sleep, catches
a cab and he goes up to myupper.
West side apartment, upper,upper West Side helps me pack up
my apartment and chew my movingtruck.
And then we proceed to drive 12hours outside of New York all
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the way back to Minnesota and.
I will just say about my dad inthat moment when I was so lost
as you know, someone who hadjust recently graduated, but
again, still broken hearted andtrying to rechart her life that
he helped me.
He helped me by packing everypicture frame, every article of
(13:43):
clothing, every piece offurniture.
And in doing that, he wastelling me, you are not alone.
I'm still here.
I love you.
And that's the kind of person hewas always, always throughout my
life, and I am so blessed and sograteful to have had him as my
dad.
I.
(14:03):
And when he had this journey,and I fast forward and I bring
this up because it definitelyand directly relates to my dad's
Alzheimer's journey because whenhe had this journey, we had to,
at one point for his safety andbecause my mom was increasingly
exhausted, move him from hishome of nearly 50 years to a new
(14:24):
care community.
And I had to pack his picturesand all of his articles of
clothing and all of his piecesof furniture and move them
there.
And he didn't understand.
He didn't understand why we weremoving him from his home, that
he had raised his threedaughters in, and that he'd
shared with his wife of morethan 50 years.
He didn't know, but every time Ivisited him afterwards, I would
(14:48):
say to him, you're still, I'mstill here.
I would say to him, I'm stillhere.
You are not alone.
I love you.
Because I knew how much I neededto hear those words at my lowest
point, and I never wanted him toforget that he would be
receiving all that he had givenus every day of his life.
(15:14):
He was amazing.
When you look back on that, didhe even give you a choice of,
should I come out?
Did he just, was it almost a No,it was just automatic.
I'm on my way.
Just the kind of dad he was.
Yeah, just the kind of friend hewas the kind of brother he was
the kind of uncle he was.
(15:34):
I have a cousin who says, andstill says, to this day, uncle
Bob was my favorite uncle, and Ilove that.
I, yeah, he was incredible.
He was a good person.
And again, even a good person inthe workplace, as I mentioned
earlier, with his 3M ethics,like really just showed up in
the world in a good way.
(15:54):
And what is interesting thoughis that everyone who's walking
this journey with their lovedone.
I don't doubt that they havestories of love and commitment
and loyalty that also prove whatgood people they had the
privilege and pleasure ofknowing prior to this journey.
And it is because we want tohonor.
(16:17):
All that they are and all theyhave ever given that we are
trying so desperately to walkalongside them in a way that is
respectful and honors theirdignity too, throughout.
And so that is really ultimatelywhat made me pause after our
marathon with my dad and say,what more can I do to share and
(16:38):
uplift others?
And part of that too isrecognizing.
I had the privilege of thatclose relationship with my dad.
Yes, families are arecomplicated.
Families can be really, reallymessy, and I.
If we are honest, we have torecognize that that is true too.
So knowing that some peoplemight be having to work through
(17:00):
some of those details of theirrelationships, trying to see
them for where they are andtrying to support them too.
Not to mention my own privilegeof having a job where I could
leave it if I needed to supporthim and.
Come pick him up if he's walkedaway from his daytime community
program, which he did.
Did he?
A few times.
Did he?
Yeah.
So I'd grab my baby and I'd puther in the A car seat and we'd
(17:23):
go and we'd rush to get pop pop.
You know, that happened.
And then I had the privilege ofone of my sisters as a lawyer.
And having a lawyer is likehaving a mechanic in your
family.
You have those urgent needs andit's.
Sometimes invaluable.
So just recognizing that a lotof families are without some of
these tools, we need to supporteach other, and I wanna uplift
those families that might havethose challenging details within
(17:44):
their dynamics.
That's so true that on top ofthe challenge of Alzheimer's,
you're sometimes dealing with anincredibly complex family
dynamic.
Mm-hmm.
obviously makes this journey allthe more entangled.
Yeah.
Entanglement is a great word bythe way, because you know,
there's history.
Everyone has history.
(18:05):
And I should also note thateveryone has ongoing demands
too.
in my case, I was pushing thedeadline when it came to having
babies, and so I had babies anddementia at the same time.
Oh gosh.
My dad's Alzheimer's marathon.
We realized it started when Iwas pregnant with my first
daughter.
Wow.
So I, you know, I didn't know.
(18:26):
Motherhood apart fromAlzheimer's.
I didn't.
And so trying to juggle that andyou know, just having space for
that and recognizing that peopleare trying to juggle everything
in your life, right?
You're trying to juggle perhapsbeing a parent and being a
child.
You're trying to juggle being apartner and also being a, a
grandparent, you know, just.
(18:47):
All those different roles andidentities we have, we need to
be able to still give space forthose because that's the reality
of life.
And so in my case, I struggledwith that balancing act and
sometimes what I do in my 2020hindsight and as I mentor
families who are going throughthis, especially to the parents,
(19:07):
I will say to them.
Just know it's okay to step backsometimes and just be there for
your children because I waslooking at my dad's situation as
my dad's.
I'm losing my dad.
I'm saying so many goodbyes tohim, and this is the fire I need
to put out, but the truth of itis.
My daughter's babyhood was alsofleeting.
(19:30):
And so I know if my dad had thegift of speech still, he would
have said, Carla, go back to mygrand babies.
I'm okay.
I'm safe.
And I tell people that becauseit is hard to realize it in the
moment, but it's okay to alsohave your other identities and
certainly it's okay to care forand be present for your other
(19:53):
loved ones.
Hmm.
I remember the challenge of notgoing to see my late
mother-in-law every day.
That's so hard.
Yeah.
Regardless of what someone isailing with in that do I just
(20:13):
take a day to be with the kidsor to.
Take care of what seems likejust some stupid errand today,
but it needs to be done.
But you knew, if your dad couldhave told you, he would've said,
you know what, I'm, I'm goodtoday.
Yeah.
Go be with the family.
Yeah.
He would've, but you know, he,he was no, no longer able to
(20:37):
articulate that.
And I was just, I was trying todo it all.
We all do.
We do caregivers.
Yeah, we do.
How did you, how did you getthrough that in, in the, when
you look back again, 2020hindsight.
Mm-hmm.
But in the moment how that hadto be incredibly.
Nearly impossible.
Yeah, it was hard.
It was really hard.
I always felt like I waseverywhere, but in no place was
(20:59):
I long enough.
I, I struggled because, I mean,there would be days my dad had a
care community up in ForestLake, which was a blessing'cause
it was only a couple miles frommy parents, my childhood home
where my mom still lives.
Right on Clear Lake.
And that actually.
Is a connection because youknow, I mentioned my dad's tough
childhood and the one reallybright light and consistent
(21:22):
light throughout his childhoodwere his grandparents and they
had a cabin on Clear Lake inForest Lake.
And so he had some of his bestchildhood memories going up to
that lake.
And so lo and behold, manydecades later, he has an
opportunity to buy a house onthat lake.
My mom.
Not necessarily all in on this,but she knew his affection for
(21:42):
the lake, and he was such aMinnesotan that he loved fishing
and all of that.
So to live in a lake was adream.
And so she allowed him to buythe house sight unseen for her.
Wow.
Yes.
I mean, really remarkable.
So amazing.
What a, what a sacrifice by her.
But it was a gift that.
That continues to bless all ofus and the Holt family.
(22:04):
So yeah, so the care communitywas, you know, just a couple
miles from this place where wecontinue to make memories now as
the fifth generation of Holts tomake memories on that lake.
But I would drive up there evensome days just to check in on
him.
10 minute visit even.
Just to make sure he was okay.
Sure.
Particularly when he first movedin.
(22:26):
'cause I didn't want him tothink we had left him.
You know?
I wanted to reassure him, you'renot alone.
I'm still here.
I love you.
And I really felt like that wasimportant for the staff to also
know we're plugged in.
We're attentive.
FYI, you have partners in thisand we're here for him.
And we're here for you.
(22:46):
And so just trying to do it allsometimes meant, okay, I am
gonna drive the 45 minutes upthere to be there, but I can
only be there for 10 minutes,but it's worth it because it's
10 minutes for me to touch him,for him to see me and to do
something that I can no longerdo with him over the phone or
even on the screen.
So that was a key part, is just,you know, trying to do that.
(23:06):
I eat it.
I I probably the other to ananswer to your question, you
know, how did you do it?
I probably, again, I didn't doit perfectly.
I, I could have been, even whenI was physically present with my
daughters, I think sometimes Iwas grieving my dad so much and
the fact that he was changingand I was saying all these
goodbyes that I didn't alwaysappreciate folate, the moments I
(23:30):
was experiencing as a mom.
And I think that's natural.
And I think that a lot ofcaregivers, and particularly
maybe adult children can Irelate to is that it's really
hard to like say, oh mygoodness, I'm at my child's game
and this is amazing, and oh mygoodness, my dad can no longer
recognize me.
You know, it's just like.
That juxtaposition is real andit's hard and it's harsh.
(23:54):
So I know I could have donebetter with that, and I just, I
just tried my best.
I, but you know, to myprivilege, I was able to go to a
little bit more flexibleposition with Care 11.
Yes, that was a saving gracethat allowed me to be more of a
hands-on caregiver and to reallyassist and be on call there.
So that was, you know, uh,something that helped a lot.
(24:14):
Uh.
no one, no caregiver, no carepartner, no one touched by this
journey feels like they do itperfectly.
It's impossible for us to feellike that.
I think we're just doing thebest we can.
As you were sharing that, Ithought about the staff that
would work in memory care andwork with Alzheimer's.
(24:36):
Mm-hmm.
What kind of special calling arethese wonderful.
Mm-hmm.
Professionals.
I dunno how they do it.
I don't know either.
They're amazing.
They're angels.
And that's not to say that therearen't people sometimes who will
cross your path who are maybenot suited for this line of
work.
That happens too.
(24:58):
Not everyone's perfect.
Yeah.
Not everyone's perfect and but Iguarantee you will come across
more heroes than you will comeacross the alternative and.
I don't know.
You know, innately, I will sayour, my favorite care partner,
and she knows who she is.
Hannah, you know who you are.
she didn't even have a fancymedical degree.
You know, she, even just withher high school degree, she was
(25:19):
an innate caregiver because ofher patience and her kindness.
And she led with that andfrankly, she helped to train
other people, so we continued tobring her in.
My dad was a little bit moreadvanced than other people in
the more in the memory careunit, and so we recognized that
we needed to support the staffthere.
So.
My parents had the resourcesavailable to still bring Hannah
(25:42):
in to help.
She helped train the otherpeople that worked in that care
community on how to still reachthe person despite how far they
had progressed.
That's amazing.
And partly it's about thepatients, but I will say, you
know, as a society and you talkto the folks at the University
of Minnesota, and they willpreach this too, we need to do
(26:03):
better by this particular.
Field of work, you know, theyneed to be more richly
compensated.
We need to honor them more.
I mean, it's just kind of this,this, given that they exist and
they'll help, but frankly wedon't have enough of them
anymore.
We have that caregiver crisisYes.
Of the inequality between thedemand and the the supply.
(26:25):
And so part of that is it'sreally honoring that profession.
But yeah, there.
They're uniquely gifted inreally having the patience and
the devotion to reach people andto help families during that
difficult chapter.
I'm so grateful for everyone whochooses, chooses that field.
As you look back on, that was adecade long journey.
(26:46):
Mm-hmm.
What stands out in your mind tosomething that maybe your
husband, Gary, or a good friend.
Did for you is you're grapplingwith this inner pull of I'm, I'm
at my child's activity andperhaps not there in the moment,
and then thinking, my dad can'tbe here right now.
(27:09):
Right.
What comes to mind of somethingthat maybe even seemed innocuous
at the time, but was so helpful?
Hmm.
I think it's the practical,right?
It's the helping to pick mydaughters up.
I have a best friend who issingle and hasn't had kids, and
(27:31):
therefore was like that go-toperson.
I mean, she's just.
She's positioned in her life tobe somewhat available to do
that, but also she's justemotionally so accessible and
just so fun.
She's the fun auntie and havingthat person to really help you
(27:51):
in those moments of crisis.
And maybe when I have a daughterwho needs to be picked up at
preschool, but I'm still up inForest Lake with my dad, or I'm
on deadline at care, or youknow, insert reason here.
Having that, you know, practicalassistance really makes a
difference.
But I will say, and I look at myhusband now, I think part of it
also is the reassurance, becauseI think you've probably heard
(28:15):
this in my responses up to thispoint.
So much doubt follows the carepartner.
We are always doubting ourselvesin terms of.
Am I doing enough?
Am I doing it right?
Am I showing up enough for myloved one?
Am I showing up enough in otherparts of my life?
And we are our own worst criticwhen it comes to trying to do it
(28:37):
all.
Objectively.
Again, we can say, oh, it'sgonna be impossible to do it
all.
But we're trying so hard thatwe're kind of doubting ourselves
consistently.
And so having that voice ofreassurance is just a beautiful
gift, and to this day, I needit.
So when I say, oh, I could havebeen there, I could have been
more present, my husband willsay, Carla, you were there.
(29:00):
You were there, the girls sawyou, they loved you.
You had those moments, and youknow, just that kind of
reassurance that may be neededfor years, decades, maybe the
rest of my life.
Right.
You know, that is a gift and sothat really made a difference as
well.
Balance is so difficult.
(29:22):
Mm-hmm.
Because I'm sure you justillustrated this.
Am I smothering or is your lovedone smothering you and trying to
be supportive and fix theproblem.
Mm-hmm.
or am I not doing enough?
And, and that's an yet anotherlayer of the dynamic of, of
anyone in with a medical Yeah.
(29:43):
Challenge.
Yeah.
I just wanna say that that'strue and uh, and I'm sorry to
interrupt there, but I wanna saythat that's true because I think
we don't realize the importanceof communication and it's hard
to be brutally honest, but asmuch as we can, that honesty is
(30:03):
key.
And if you struggle with thatwithin your own family dynamics,
and again, goes to the wholecomplicated families issue, then
there.
Our resources to help younavigate that.
There are people who can listenand even gently guide people who
are trained social workers ortrained therapists, trained
(30:23):
family therapists specifically.
You know, all of those roles doexist because it does come back
to communication and.
Simple as that is.
Okay.
All you need to do is tellpeople it can be hard.
Right.
Especially hard given thechallenge of this journey.
So that's where I will say that.
Lean into that, and when youneed help leaning into that,
(30:44):
find that person and thatsupport communication seems to
be so difficult.
Even on the mundane Yeah.
And trivial things in our lives.
Mm-hmm.
And you add something of thismagnitude.
It's tough to lean into that,obviously.
Yep.
Tell us more about taking yourexperience, enrolling that into
(31:11):
the support that you've beenable to provide families that
are either at the beginningphase of the Alzheimer's journey
or in the middle of it andmeshed in it right now.
Mm-hmm.
You're doing tremendous work.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It's again a calling and I feellike it is right.
It is right.
And part of when I launched somany goodbyes, I'll be honest
(31:34):
with you on this, that I wantedto make sure our world is loud
and it's noisy and people arebusy, and especially care
partners.
Are busy.
And so I checked in with a lotof my connections in this field,
whether advocacy or directlyrelated to the medical outreach.
And I said, is this redundant orwill this add value?
(31:54):
You know, because I don't needto add to people's to-do lists.
I don't need to do that.
I want it to be of help, not beredundant.
And they all affirmed me andsaid, listen, lean in with your
communication skills, Carla.
'cause ultimately, I just said,and I did not intend to map this
out in this way, but I just saidcommunication is key.
Well, it turns out I had acareer based on communication
(32:14):
and journalism.
And so I started so manygoodbyes recognizing that
sometimes people need thatelement.
And yes, amazing support groupsexist, but sometimes people
need, and families need.
That one-on-one support group?
Yes.
You know where it's honestly oneway.
So because I am already kind oftraveled this journey in my
(32:37):
dad's marathon, he's finishedit.
I can now listen to people andoffer the empathy and even offer
some of those skills andstrategies.
That we found beneficial whenappropriate, but I also can just
listen and not have to update onmy particular journey.
So I, I find that listening iskey.
And then offering guidance andoffering and connecting those
(32:59):
dots to the other communityresources that do exist.
So that's a big part of what Ido within my overall mission is
to serve as a mentor tofamilies.
And then I obviously.
Segue to the overall educationthat I tackle through workshops
and through my podcast as well.
Where should people go to learnmore about these resources?
(33:21):
Thank you so many.
goodbyes.com.
That is my website and I listthe services there and I list
how you can reach me directly.
I'll just add too, my directemail is
carla@somanygoodbyes.com.
If you wanna skip the websitescheck, you know, but by all
means, visit the website too soyou know what you're getting
yourself into.
(33:42):
But I, I just.
I really think that that's anice way to begin to just kinda
learn a little bit more about myoutreach and about my mission.
I will add, though, they know itbegins with that mentoring, but
I also recognize I.
I'm not alone in this, and partof it is so, I'm so grateful.
I'm so grateful that these otherresources exist.
I once described to someonethat, you know, this is a war,
(34:04):
this is a war within thedementia crisis, and maybe I
promoted myself from infantrymento captain or corporal or field
general.
Yes.
You know, you're the veteran.
You know, better the terminologythat I do, but I, I still honor.
And appreciate the roles ofsomeone like the Alzheimer's
Association that continues to bethe four star general, right?
(34:26):
Or you know, even we have inMinnesota, the senior linkage
line and other states have areaagencies on aging.
We all seem to have our go-toorganizations and there are a
lot of them, and I'm so gratefulfor them.
So part of what I do is connectpeople to that and so.
Part of my outreach.
In addition to that mentorshipis saying, listen, this is where
else you can go.
And part of what I do alsowithin so many goodbyes is
(34:49):
educate.
So I speak at a lot ofconferences, I speak at events,
I speak at workplaces to helpreally educate folks on, Hey,
this is why your colleague may alittle out of it on this day, or
maybe.
Sad or maybe late or whateverthe reason.
This is why we're seeing that.
Because you know that childcareissue now, they're seeing it on
the other end.
Yeah.
And so just have space and gracefor that too.
(35:12):
And then of course, I educatethrough the podcast too.
And we're so grateful to haveyou on our podcast today with
Minnesota Masonic Histories andMysteries.
We have a memory care unit atour Masonic home where we're
recording today.
in a long history with theUniversity of Minnesota.
It's over 70 years strong now.
(35:35):
Cancer Research, children'sHealth.
We recently pledged a newfacility for the Masonic
Institute of Biology andMetabolism.
Awesome.
Looking at healthy aging and I,I know that the memory aspect is
going to be a huge portion ofthe research in that greater
picture.
(35:55):
So between being on Carol Levinmm-hmm.
Your travels, your speaking,your podcast people, they must
feel like they know you.
Well, it's that trusted friendon tv.
Mm-hmm.
it's kind of funny, I laughbecause I just had this again
yesterday.
I, people will say, oh, I, I, Ifeel like I know her, but I look
(36:17):
like a lot of Minnesota moms.
So they, they're like, how do Iknow?
Did I run her into her at thegrocery store?
What?
It's when I start talking.
Yes.
Because as a radio personyourself, former career, right?
You can appreciate differentvoice qualities and I have a
unique voice.
Yes.
Especially in the broadcastfield.
It's a little higher.
It's just a different voice thana lot of women in broadcast.
And so when I start talking,that's when they'll say.
(36:40):
You are Carla Holt that I'mlike, yeah, I know you.
No, I really know you.
Exactly.
The voice.
So if you're saying, wow, she'sa unique voice, you're not the
only one who's ever said that.
And I, you know, I roll with it.
It's kind of, I think my voiceis in part from the Holt family
really.
I think I, my, I'm, yeah, Ithink that we all unique voices
in the Holt family and my, Ihave a couple sisters and
(37:00):
definitely a cousin who sounds alot like me.
And yet the difference is shesings beautifully.
So I'm always like, how did thathappen?
Yeah.
We sound alike when we, when wetalk, and yet I can't sing on
tune, so that's not fair.
But yeah, no, it's, it's alltrue.
Tell us what kid stuff.
(37:22):
That you still enjoy as anadult?
Hmm.
Kid.
Stuff that I still enjoy and Ilove candy.
Does that count?
Sure.
What kind?
Uh, I'm a, I don't wanna say asucker, pun intended.
Hole.
I'm a sucker for licorice.
Really?
I am.
Twizzler or Wiley?
Wallaby.
What's the, okay.
Wiley Wallaby has captured myheart in recent years.
(37:42):
The i, I like the watermelon andI like the mixed berry.
So bad.
Every time we go to Target, mydaughter and I were like, oh,
gotta get another bag.
Just put it.
And they have it right by theregisters.
Of course they do.
Do you notice that course rightby the checkout?
Come on.
They know.
Is it worse on a road trip forthe candy?
Probably.
Why?
Why is that?
Because I, I don't know aboutyou, but I grew up with my mom
(38:04):
and dad.
You know what they had?
They always had lemon drops.
Yeah.
In the car.
Mm-hmm.
Remember those?
Mm-hmm.
And so I don't even know iflemon drops are sold.
I don't think I've seen a lemondrop in a gas station or a
grocery store anytime recently.
It's been a while, but I am a, Ilove lemon drops too, but now
I've kind of pivoted to the oldlicorice.
But I like a Twix too.
(38:24):
And I like Dairy Queen.
I, I have a sweet tooth.
Can you tell'em a Swed?
Yes.
It's like the Scandinavian we'rewe're wired that way.
We are.
What are people.
Overly impressed with in thisworld in general?
Hmm.
Overly.
And do you mean to a fault?
(38:44):
Like they're too impressed,however you take that.
Huh?
Well, I will say in this world,and it's a part of what I really
love about our earlierconversation related to the
Masons and to the Masoniccommunity at large, is I think
people are overly impressed anda little too fixated right now
on their own tribe and on theothering.
(39:07):
That is happening and thedivision that results from that.
And I love when people can seethe commonalities and when we
can find what is so similar andthen when we can unite.
'cause we are all together inthis life.
And I think we are so much morealike than we are different.
And when we can.
(39:27):
Find each other.
We also find solutions and wefind peace.
And so I think this wholeothering that comes with our own
identifications is somethingthat everyone is a little overly
impressed with right now.
If you could go back.
(39:48):
And talk some sense into yourteenage self.
Mm-hmm.
What would you say wear moresunscreen?
Carla?
Wear more sunscreen.
Why?
Why?
I was, okay.
So I mentioned Clear Lake.
Growing up in Forest Lake.
I loved it.
I was a big water skier, stillwater ski.
I planned to break.
The Guinness World Book ofRecords of oldest woman, water
(40:09):
skier who still slaloms that.
That's my goal.
That's a goal.
That's another goal in my life.
Wow.
But I was a big water skier andI also, I was a windsurf
instructor, so I would windsurfand so I was big into water
activities, but I did notslather on the sunscreen in the
way that I should haveconsidering my Swedish skin.
And I feel like that's amistake.
And so I try to teach mydaughters who are teenage and
(40:29):
who always.
Seem to wanna get color.
I'm like, don't get color thatway.
You don't need to get a tan thatway.
It's not needed and you pay aprice.
Oh.
And I just don't think it'sworth it.
So I would tell my teenage selfthat.
I also might tell her that, youknow, don't take life too
seriously.
They're gonna be serious crisesthat come.
You know what, I'm gonna modifythat.
(40:50):
I'm gonna revise that.
Don't take yourself tooseriously.
Life is gonna throw you seriouscurve balls.
But just let yourself evolve andgrow and find the resources.
Find your village, find yourpeople, find your way through
life, and just be honest withyourself about what you need in
those moments, and how to showup for your loved ones and for
(41:13):
your community.
Put yourself out there.
Yeah.
Across the board.
Yeah.
Why not?
Life is short.
We're not meant to live italone.
No.
We are not in a silo.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
And life might throw yousomething that makes you feel
like you're in a silo, but justtry your best and it will take
(41:36):
that intentional thought.
And I'm speaking to carepartners, especially when I say
that it will take intentionalthought to find the resources
that do exist that are aroundyou.
So many goodbyes.com.
Mm-hmm.
For more info.
Carla Halt.
It has been an honor having youwith us today in studio.
(42:00):
You are quite a storyteller andthe world is better for you
sharing your story with it.
Thank you.
I am honored to be here and Iwanna emphasize too, I'm really,
I'm honored and I'm so gratefulfor the Masonic mission.
I think it's a beautiful one.
So thank you for what you aredoing as a community.
(42:21):
If you're an individual, Masonlistening right now, thank you
for what you're doing for all ofus.
You are making our world better,so I'm grateful to be here
today.
Thank you so much, Reid.
I recently heard someone say oneof the issues with asking
(00:04):
anybody who's successful askingthem for advice is that they
tell you what they do now.
Hmm.
Not what they did when they werein your current position.
This influencer advocated thatyou should not ask somebody how
are you maintaining your successin some endeavor right now, the
(00:24):
question you need to ask is howdid you achieve your success or
work through that challenge whenyou were at the stage that we
we're at right now?
Mm-hmm.
so happy to be joined In studiotoday by Carla Halt, an Emmy
Edward r Murrow and WalterCronkite, award-winning
journalist.
(00:45):
Her favorite stories includethose touching on international,
political and social issues, andof course stories shared from
the heart, including heraward-winning documentary of her
family's own Alzheimer'sjourney.
Carla, welcome.
Oh, thank you.
You graduated magna cum laudePhi Beta Kappa from St.
Olaf in Minnesota.
(01:06):
Then went on to a Master's ofInternational Affairs from
Columbia University in New York,where you also earned a writing
fellowship.
2021.
You launched so many goodbyes, amission to support and educate
families, caregivers, thelong-term care community.
In the greater community aboutthe dementia crisis and how
(01:26):
families can cope and find joyon that journey.
On top of that, still on Care11, the Minneapolis NBC
affiliate, while also serving asan mc and advocate for the
Alzheimer's Association andother organizations committed to
helping the underserved in ourgreater and global communities.
Mm-hmm.
You are one busy, how do youbalance all of this?
(01:50):
I am busy and sometimes a littlebit overwhelmed, but I will say.
Say that.
I think I discovered with mydad's dementia journey and all
of the channel challenges thatit brought to me personally and
to our family collectively, Ithink I really realized, you
know, life is short and I wannaanswer the callings and the
(02:12):
missions.
That reveal themselves to me.
And this is absolutely themission that I feel called to do
right now.
So, yeah, I think I, I, I makeit happen by a really long days,
sometimes long nights, evenovernighters, yikes.
Which I'm way too old to admitto doing, but sometimes I have
to pull an occasionalall-nighter just to get my
(02:33):
podcast done or what have you.
But it's all worth it because Ireally feel called to do what
I'm doing right now.
We often hear Alzheimer'sdisease referred to as the long
goodbye.
Mm-hmm.
But you prefer so many goodbyesbecause saying goodbye to your
(02:55):
loved one's, ability to talk andwalk and remember.
Mm-hmm.
What are some of the unansweredquestions?
Yeah.
I think that you know, the longgoodbye, it's apt.
It describes it generally, butit doesn't do justice in my mind
to all of those individualgoodbyes that we experience over
(03:17):
the course of this ultimatelycruel disease.
And that does include, oh, mydad can no longer give me the
advice he once gave me.
He can no longer really processthe problem, let alone begin to
contemplate a solution.
My dad now can no longerphysically get up to greet me,
and that's despite the fact heran physical marathons or the
(03:39):
fact that he was this incrediblehockey player who shared the
rink the ice with like WendyAnderson.
Than the former governor orhello Herbie Brooks.
You know, people who we know inMinnesota, even in the country,
even the world, were incrediblehockey leaders and geniuses.
You know, he's not able to dothat.
You, I also had to strugglewith, as everyone does during
(04:02):
this journey with, you know,saying goodbye to that person
who, who could recognize me ashis daughter, and knowing that
those individual goodbyes.
Take their toll over months andyears, sometimes even decades.
I felt like that is a much moreaccurate description of the
(04:23):
journey.
It is so many goodbyes for thefamily, for the loved one, and
for even the person living withdementia.
What advice would you givesomeone who's on the early end
of accompanying a family memberand a loved one through this
next chapter?
(04:45):
First of all, I just want you toknow you are not alone.
I.
When you first realize this, andit may be subtle at first, you
may be realizing, wow, mom, dad,my husband, my wife, my partner,
they really seem to be losingthe keys even more.
You know?
They really seem to be nottracking the conversations even
(05:06):
more.
When you make this.
Realization when you reallyrecognize it's begun, and it
might be a formal diagnosis, butit might be something that you
know personally before you evenget that medical perspective,
give yourself some grace.
And again, know that you are notalone.
(05:26):
And I think it's important tojust pause in that moment and,
you know, recognize this is not,no one wants this diagnosis.
And yes, there is still joy tobe had during the journey and we
can talk about that, but in thismoment, it's okay to feel sad.
And to feel disappointed thatthis next chapter is going to
(05:50):
play out differently than any ofyou would have written it.
But again, I keep coming back toyou are not alone.
So when you make that firstrealization, when you, your
journey is just starting afterthat initial grace of giving
yourself that initial wave ofgrief and allowing yourself the
time to process that afteraccepting that this is your new
(06:12):
reality, then.
Transition to, okay, I'm notalone, so where's my village?
You know, who are my friends?
Who are my family members?
Who are those communityresources that can walk
alongside me through what willbe ultimately a marathon of
sorts?
(06:33):
How common is it for someone inthat initial stage to say, you
know what, we'll just go withthis alone.
We don't wanna tell anybody.
We'll just, we'll just get intoour little silo here and not.
Leverage any resources.
Yeah, completely common.
Really?
Oh, absolutely.
It's absolutely natural becauseit's such an isolating journey
(06:54):
and you feel like you are theonly person experiencing it.
You know?
You are in your home.
Or your loved one's home.
You are seeing this firsthand.
You aren't seeing the seven plusmillion people in this, this
country alone who are goingthrough the same thing.
You aren't seeing thatfirsthand, and so you feel like
you're absolutely the only onewho can understand and
(07:17):
appreciate this so.
I will say give yourselfpermission and accept that,
okay, yeah, I feel like I'malone.
And then, you know, try yourbest to earnestly.
And it might take some, youknow, intentional thought, try
to shift gears to say, wait asecond.
I know objectively this ishappening to other people too,
(07:38):
and those other people mighthave some wisdom and might have
some support for me, for myloved ones, for my family that
can uplift us during ourjourney.
Your family started yourAlzheimer's marathon.
Mm-hmm.
Basically your dad's finalmarathon, so to speak, about a
(08:00):
decade ago, you really had noidea that unrelenting grief
decisions that wereoverwhelming, that awaited at
every milestone.
Mm-hmm.
but as you've talked about andcontinue to do so that, that,
that marathon.
Is your motivation to helpothers on the course mm-hmm.
(08:21):
With this disease?
Absolutely.
All of that, it was, that washow and why I am here right now
and why I am doing what I'mdoing.
I will start by saying this.
My dad was my person, you know,he was.
He, I was a daddy's girl, but Iwas a daddy's girl for a reason.
(08:44):
He was so, I mean, yes, largerthan life, at least larger than
my life.
He was an incredible human.
Was he perfect?
Everyone has flaws.
No one's perfect, but he wassomeone who was rough and
tumble.
Born on St.
Paul's east side, one of fivekids, you know, not an easy
childhood.
You know, his parents weredivorced long before society,
(09:04):
and our greater community reallysupported families.
Who had, you know, individualsolo parents and he had a tough
step, uh, uh, a fa a stepfatherwho wasn't exactly supportive
and, and could be outrightabusive.
You know, it, it was a hardchildhood.
But he persisted and hepersevered alongside his twin
brother, my beloved Uncle Billalso who died of Alzheimer's.
(09:29):
And, you know.
They persisted, and then my dadends up going to college.
He ends up with his career at3M.
What did he do in college?
He was a business engineeringdegree, and so that was his
background.
He initially was at Hamlin andthen Heran, uh, he transferred
to the U and did not play hockeythere.
(09:49):
But he was a real student and sohad a great experience in terms
of, you know, it was affordablefor him.
And that was really a key aspectat that time.
And during that chapter of hislife, so he was at the U, he
ended up getting that businessengineering degree strictly an
under degree.
Undergraduate degree, but he wasable to transition that into
(10:10):
this wonderful career at 3Mwhere he worked in, and this
will be lost on most of us, butfor some of the 3M folks,
they'll appreciate it.
He was an inner system and dataprocessing, so he was kind of
internal and he managed a lot offolks.
And I will say, you know, lateron in life and when I shared a
lot about my dad and my dad'sstory, and certainly after his
(10:31):
passing, I heard from some ofhis.
3M colleagues.
Some of my favorite feedbackthat I heard was how ethical he
was, and they specifically notedat a time at 3M in his division
that was really political and alittle bit sensitive, he walked
that ethical line.
Always, and he was just a goodhuman.
(10:52):
So he showed up as a good humanat his workplace and definitely
within his family.
And he volunteered at our churchin St.
Paul's east side still.
And he volunteered in thecommunity and he was just there
for us.
As his three strong daughters,and he was my person, the person
I would call if I had issues orquestions or what should I do
(11:12):
here?
He was that person.
And my favorite story, and Ifeel like this is important to
mention because I really believewhen we talk about Alzheimer's
and other dementia, that we needto recognize that it isn't
strictly the person.
You see in a care community oreven that you may have in your
family who could no longerverbalize, this is a person who
(11:33):
lived a full and beautiful andvibrant life.
And so my favorite story aboutmy dad is when I was in grad
school and I was about tograduate.
And I was engaged to be marriedto a high school sweetheart, and
we were just a few months out ofour wedding.
Well, my fiance at the time Andwhat year was this?
This was, oh gosh, now I have toremember my year.
Oh, 2000?
It was 2000.
Okay.
And he calls it off.
(11:55):
Yeah, seriously.
Wedding dress already purchased,big wedding planned.
It was gonna be huge.
Fortunately the invitationshadn't yet gone out, but they
had been picked and evenordered, so it was a big deal
and I was wrapping up.
My graduate education.
And so I was heartbroken and Iwas exhausted trying to do this,
and I had to shift gears.
My whole life had been turnedupside down'cause he had been a
(12:17):
lawyer in New York City where Iwas at graduate in graduate
school.
And so I was planning to stay inNew York and kind of do some
writing work, which I couldn'tafford to do strictly on my own.
So I was gonna have to shiftgears with my job and
everything.
So long story short.
I am an upheaval my life, myheart is broken.
I'm challenged to just getthrough the day in and day out,
(12:38):
let alone end this chapteralready my dad recognizing that
I need to pack up my apartmentand move and make all these
major decisions.
Ordered himself got online orcalled probably at the time, I
don't even know how he orderedhis ticket, but he gets a plane
ticket, a red eye.
He flies to Philadelphia wherehe waits all night in the 30th
(13:00):
Street station, I think that'swhat it's called in
Philadelphia, until the nextmorning he catches the first
train up to New York City andthere still on no sleep, catches
a cab and he goes up to myupper.
West side apartment, upper,upper West Side helps me pack up
my apartment and chew my movingtruck.
And then we proceed to drive 12hours outside of New York all
(13:22):
the way back to Minnesota and.
I will just say about my dad inthat moment when I was so lost
as you know, someone who hadjust recently graduated, but
again, still broken hearted andtrying to rechart her life that
he helped me.
He helped me by packing everypicture frame, every article of
(13:43):
clothing, every piece offurniture.
And in doing that, he wastelling me, you are not alone.
I'm still here.
I love you.
And that's the kind of person hewas always, always throughout my
life, and I am so blessed and sograteful to have had him as my
dad.
I.
(14:03):
And when he had this journey,and I fast forward and I bring
this up because it definitelyand directly relates to my dad's
Alzheimer's journey because whenhe had this journey, we had to,
at one point for his safety andbecause my mom was increasingly
exhausted, move him from hishome of nearly 50 years to a new
(14:24):
care community.
And I had to pack his picturesand all of his articles of
clothing and all of his piecesof furniture and move them
there.
And he didn't understand.
He didn't understand why we weremoving him from his home, that
he had raised his threedaughters in, and that he'd
shared with his wife of morethan 50 years.
He didn't know, but every time Ivisited him afterwards, I would
(14:48):
say to him, you're still, I'mstill here.
I would say to him, I'm stillhere.
You are not alone.
I love you.
Because I knew how much I neededto hear those words at my lowest
point, and I never wanted him toforget that he would be
receiving all that he had givenus every day of his life.
(15:14):
He was amazing.
When you look back on that, didhe even give you a choice of,
should I come out?
Did he just, was it almost a No,it was just automatic.
I'm on my way.
Just the kind of dad he was.
Yeah, just the kind of friend hewas the kind of brother he was
the kind of uncle he was.
(15:34):
I have a cousin who says, andstill says, to this day, uncle
Bob was my favorite uncle, and Ilove that.
I, yeah, he was incredible.
He was a good person.
And again, even a good person inthe workplace, as I mentioned
earlier, with his 3M ethics,like really just showed up in
the world in a good way.
(15:54):
And what is interesting thoughis that everyone who's walking
this journey with their lovedone.
I don't doubt that they havestories of love and commitment
and loyalty that also prove whatgood people they had the
privilege and pleasure ofknowing prior to this journey.
And it is because we want tohonor.
(16:17):
All that they are and all theyhave ever given that we are
trying so desperately to walkalongside them in a way that is
respectful and honors theirdignity too, throughout.
And so that is really ultimatelywhat made me pause after our
marathon with my dad and say,what more can I do to share and
(16:38):
uplift others?
And part of that too isrecognizing.
I had the privilege of thatclose relationship with my dad.
Yes, families are arecomplicated.
Families can be really, reallymessy, and I.
If we are honest, we have torecognize that that is true too.
So knowing that some peoplemight be having to work through
(17:00):
some of those details of theirrelationships, trying to see
them for where they are andtrying to support them too.
Not to mention my own privilegeof having a job where I could
leave it if I needed to supporthim and.
Come pick him up if he's walkedaway from his daytime community
program, which he did.
Did he?
A few times.
Did he?
Yeah.
So I'd grab my baby and I'd puther in the A car seat and we'd
(17:23):
go and we'd rush to get pop pop.
You know, that happened.
And then I had the privilege ofone of my sisters as a lawyer.
And having a lawyer is likehaving a mechanic in your
family.
You have those urgent needs andit's.
Sometimes invaluable.
So just recognizing that a lotof families are without some of
these tools, we need to supporteach other, and I wanna uplift
those families that might havethose challenging details within
(17:44):
their dynamics.
That's so true that on top ofthe challenge of Alzheimer's,
you're sometimes dealing with anincredibly complex family
dynamic.
Mm-hmm.
obviously makes this journey allthe more entangled.
Yeah.
Entanglement is a great word bythe way, because you know,
there's history.
Everyone has history.
(18:05):
And I should also note thateveryone has ongoing demands
too.
in my case, I was pushing thedeadline when it came to having
babies, and so I had babies anddementia at the same time.
Oh gosh.
My dad's Alzheimer's marathon.
We realized it started when Iwas pregnant with my first
daughter.
Wow.
So I, you know, I didn't know.
(18:26):
Motherhood apart fromAlzheimer's.
I didn't.
And so trying to juggle that andyou know, just having space for
that and recognizing that peopleare trying to juggle everything
in your life, right?
You're trying to juggle perhapsbeing a parent and being a
child.
You're trying to juggle being apartner and also being a, a
grandparent, you know, just.
(18:47):
All those different roles andidentities we have, we need to
be able to still give space forthose because that's the reality
of life.
And so in my case, I struggledwith that balancing act and
sometimes what I do in my 2020hindsight and as I mentor
families who are going throughthis, especially to the parents,
(19:07):
I will say to them.
Just know it's okay to step backsometimes and just be there for
your children because I waslooking at my dad's situation as
my dad's.
I'm losing my dad.
I'm saying so many goodbyes tohim, and this is the fire I need
to put out, but the truth of itis.
My daughter's babyhood was alsofleeting.
(19:30):
And so I know if my dad had thegift of speech still, he would
have said, Carla, go back to mygrand babies.
I'm okay.
I'm safe.
And I tell people that becauseit is hard to realize it in the
moment, but it's okay to alsohave your other identities and
certainly it's okay to care forand be present for your other
(19:53):
loved ones.
Hmm.
I remember the challenge of notgoing to see my late
mother-in-law every day.
That's so hard.
Yeah.
Regardless of what someone isailing with in that do I just
(20:13):
take a day to be with the kidsor to.
Take care of what seems likejust some stupid errand today,
but it needs to be done.
But you knew, if your dad couldhave told you, he would've said,
you know what, I'm, I'm goodtoday.
Yeah.
Go be with the family.
Yeah.
He would've, but you know, he,he was no, no longer able to
(20:37):
articulate that.
And I was just, I was trying todo it all.
We all do.
We do caregivers.
Yeah, we do.
How did you, how did you getthrough that in, in the, when
you look back again, 2020hindsight.
Mm-hmm.
But in the moment how that hadto be incredibly.
Nearly impossible.
Yeah, it was hard.
It was really hard.
I always felt like I waseverywhere, but in no place was
(20:59):
I long enough.
I, I struggled because, I mean,there would be days my dad had a
care community up in ForestLake, which was a blessing'cause
it was only a couple miles frommy parents, my childhood home
where my mom still lives.
Right on Clear Lake.
And that actually.
Is a connection because youknow, I mentioned my dad's tough
childhood and the one reallybright light and consistent
(21:22):
light throughout his childhoodwere his grandparents and they
had a cabin on Clear Lake inForest Lake.
And so he had some of his bestchildhood memories going up to
that lake.
And so lo and behold, manydecades later, he has an
opportunity to buy a house onthat lake.
My mom.
Not necessarily all in on this,but she knew his affection for
(21:42):
the lake, and he was such aMinnesotan that he loved fishing
and all of that.
So to live in a lake was adream.
And so she allowed him to buythe house sight unseen for her.
Wow.
Yes.
I mean, really remarkable.
So amazing.
What a, what a sacrifice by her.
But it was a gift that.
That continues to bless all ofus and the Holt family.
(22:04):
So yeah, so the care communitywas, you know, just a couple
miles from this place where wecontinue to make memories now as
the fifth generation of Holts tomake memories on that lake.
But I would drive up there evensome days just to check in on
him.
10 minute visit even.
Just to make sure he was okay.
Sure.
Particularly when he first movedin.
(22:26):
'cause I didn't want him tothink we had left him.
You know?
I wanted to reassure him, you'renot alone.
I'm still here.
I love you.
And I really felt like that wasimportant for the staff to also
know we're plugged in.
We're attentive.
FYI, you have partners in thisand we're here for him.
And we're here for you.
(22:46):
And so just trying to do it allsometimes meant, okay, I am
gonna drive the 45 minutes upthere to be there, but I can
only be there for 10 minutes,but it's worth it because it's
10 minutes for me to touch him,for him to see me and to do
something that I can no longerdo with him over the phone or
even on the screen.
So that was a key part, is just,you know, trying to do that.
(23:06):
I eat it.
I I probably the other to ananswer to your question, you
know, how did you do it?
I probably, again, I didn't doit perfectly.
I, I could have been, even whenI was physically present with my
daughters, I think sometimes Iwas grieving my dad so much and
the fact that he was changingand I was saying all these
goodbyes that I didn't alwaysappreciate folate, the moments I
(23:30):
was experiencing as a mom.
And I think that's natural.
And I think that a lot ofcaregivers, and particularly
maybe adult children can Irelate to is that it's really
hard to like say, oh mygoodness, I'm at my child's game
and this is amazing, and oh mygoodness, my dad can no longer
recognize me.
You know, it's just like.
That juxtaposition is real andit's hard and it's harsh.
(23:54):
So I know I could have donebetter with that, and I just, I
just tried my best.
I, but you know, to myprivilege, I was able to go to a
little bit more flexibleposition with Care 11.
Yes, that was a saving gracethat allowed me to be more of a
hands-on caregiver and to reallyassist and be on call there.
So that was, you know, uh,something that helped a lot.
(24:14):
Uh.
no one, no caregiver, no carepartner, no one touched by this
journey feels like they do itperfectly.
It's impossible for us to feellike that.
I think we're just doing thebest we can.
As you were sharing that, Ithought about the staff that
would work in memory care andwork with Alzheimer's.
(24:36):
Mm-hmm.
What kind of special calling arethese wonderful.
Mm-hmm.
Professionals.
I dunno how they do it.
I don't know either.
They're amazing.
They're angels.
And that's not to say that therearen't people sometimes who will
cross your path who are maybenot suited for this line of
work.
That happens too.
(24:58):
Not everyone's perfect.
Yeah.
Not everyone's perfect and but Iguarantee you will come across
more heroes than you will comeacross the alternative and.
I don't know.
You know, innately, I will sayour, my favorite care partner,
and she knows who she is.
Hannah, you know who you are.
she didn't even have a fancymedical degree.
You know, she, even just withher high school degree, she was
(25:19):
an innate caregiver because ofher patience and her kindness.
And she led with that andfrankly, she helped to train
other people, so we continued tobring her in.
My dad was a little bit moreadvanced than other people in
the more in the memory careunit, and so we recognized that
we needed to support the staffthere.
So.
My parents had the resourcesavailable to still bring Hannah
(25:42):
in to help.
She helped train the otherpeople that worked in that care
community on how to still reachthe person despite how far they
had progressed.
That's amazing.
And partly it's about thepatients, but I will say, you
know, as a society and you talkto the folks at the University
of Minnesota, and they willpreach this too, we need to do
(26:03):
better by this particular.
Field of work, you know, theyneed to be more richly
compensated.
We need to honor them more.
I mean, it's just kind of this,this, given that they exist and
they'll help, but frankly wedon't have enough of them
anymore.
We have that caregiver crisisYes.
Of the inequality between thedemand and the the supply.
(26:25):
And so part of that is it'sreally honoring that profession.
But yeah, there.
They're uniquely gifted inreally having the patience and
the devotion to reach people andto help families during that
difficult chapter.
I'm so grateful for everyone whochooses, chooses that field.
As you look back on, that was adecade long journey.
(26:46):
Mm-hmm.
What stands out in your mind tosomething that maybe your
husband, Gary, or a good friend.
Did for you is you're grapplingwith this inner pull of I'm, I'm
at my child's activity andperhaps not there in the moment,
and then thinking, my dad can'tbe here right now.
(27:09):
Right.
What comes to mind of somethingthat maybe even seemed innocuous
at the time, but was so helpful?
Hmm.
I think it's the practical,right?
It's the helping to pick mydaughters up.
I have a best friend who issingle and hasn't had kids, and
(27:31):
therefore was like that go-toperson.
I mean, she's just.
She's positioned in her life tobe somewhat available to do
that, but also she's justemotionally so accessible and
just so fun.
She's the fun auntie and havingthat person to really help you
(27:51):
in those moments of crisis.
And maybe when I have a daughterwho needs to be picked up at
preschool, but I'm still up inForest Lake with my dad, or I'm
on deadline at care, or youknow, insert reason here.
Having that, you know, practicalassistance really makes a
difference.
But I will say, and I look at myhusband now, I think part of it
also is the reassurance, becauseI think you've probably heard
(28:15):
this in my responses up to thispoint.
So much doubt follows the carepartner.
We are always doubting ourselvesin terms of.
Am I doing enough?
Am I doing it right?
Am I showing up enough for myloved one?
Am I showing up enough in otherparts of my life?
And we are our own worst criticwhen it comes to trying to do it
(28:37):
all.
Objectively.
Again, we can say, oh, it'sgonna be impossible to do it
all.
But we're trying so hard thatwe're kind of doubting ourselves
consistently.
And so having that voice ofreassurance is just a beautiful
gift, and to this day, I needit.
So when I say, oh, I could havebeen there, I could have been
more present, my husband willsay, Carla, you were there.
(29:00):
You were there, the girls sawyou, they loved you.
You had those moments, and youknow, just that kind of
reassurance that may be neededfor years, decades, maybe the
rest of my life.
Right.
You know, that is a gift and sothat really made a difference as
well.
Balance is so difficult.
(29:22):
Mm-hmm.
Because I'm sure you justillustrated this.
Am I smothering or is your lovedone smothering you and trying to
be supportive and fix theproblem.
Mm-hmm.
or am I not doing enough?
And, and that's an yet anotherlayer of the dynamic of, of
anyone in with a medical Yeah.
(29:43):
Challenge.
Yeah.
I just wanna say that that'strue and uh, and I'm sorry to
interrupt there, but I wanna saythat that's true because I think
we don't realize the importanceof communication and it's hard
to be brutally honest, but asmuch as we can, that honesty is
(30:03):
key.
And if you struggle with thatwithin your own family dynamics,
and again, goes to the wholecomplicated families issue, then
there.
Our resources to help younavigate that.
There are people who can listenand even gently guide people who
are trained social workers ortrained therapists, trained
(30:23):
family therapists specifically.
You know, all of those roles doexist because it does come back
to communication and.
Simple as that is.
Okay.
All you need to do is tellpeople it can be hard.
Right.
Especially hard given thechallenge of this journey.
So that's where I will say that.
Lean into that, and when youneed help leaning into that,
(30:44):
find that person and thatsupport communication seems to
be so difficult.
Even on the mundane Yeah.
And trivial things in our lives.
Mm-hmm.
And you add something of thismagnitude.
It's tough to lean into that,obviously.
Yep.
Tell us more about taking yourexperience, enrolling that into
(31:11):
the support that you've beenable to provide families that
are either at the beginningphase of the Alzheimer's journey
or in the middle of it andmeshed in it right now.
Mm-hmm.
You're doing tremendous work.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It's again a calling and I feellike it is right.
It is right.
And part of when I launched somany goodbyes, I'll be honest
(31:34):
with you on this, that I wantedto make sure our world is loud
and it's noisy and people arebusy, and especially care
partners.
Are busy.
And so I checked in with a lotof my connections in this field,
whether advocacy or directlyrelated to the medical outreach.
And I said, is this redundant orwill this add value?
(31:54):
You know, because I don't needto add to people's to-do lists.
I don't need to do that.
I want it to be of help, not beredundant.
And they all affirmed me andsaid, listen, lean in with your
communication skills, Carla.
'cause ultimately, I just said,and I did not intend to map this
out in this way, but I just saidcommunication is key.
Well, it turns out I had acareer based on communication
(32:14):
and journalism.
And so I started so manygoodbyes recognizing that
sometimes people need thatelement.
And yes, amazing support groupsexist, but sometimes people
need, and families need.
That one-on-one support group?
Yes.
You know where it's honestly oneway.
So because I am already kind oftraveled this journey in my
(32:37):
dad's marathon, he's finishedit.
I can now listen to people andoffer the empathy and even offer
some of those skills andstrategies.
That we found beneficial whenappropriate, but I also can just
listen and not have to update onmy particular journey.
So I, I find that listening iskey.
And then offering guidance andoffering and connecting those
(32:59):
dots to the other communityresources that do exist.
So that's a big part of what Ido within my overall mission is
to serve as a mentor tofamilies.
And then I obviously.
Segue to the overall educationthat I tackle through workshops
and through my podcast as well.
Where should people go to learnmore about these resources?
(33:21):
Thank you so many.
goodbyes.com.
That is my website and I listthe services there and I list
how you can reach me directly.
I'll just add too, my directemail is
carla@somanygoodbyes.com.
If you wanna skip the websitescheck, you know, but by all
means, visit the website too soyou know what you're getting
yourself into.
(33:42):
But I, I just.
I really think that that's anice way to begin to just kinda
learn a little bit more about myoutreach and about my mission.
I will add, though, they know itbegins with that mentoring, but
I also recognize I.
I'm not alone in this, and partof it is so, I'm so grateful.
I'm so grateful that these otherresources exist.
I once described to someonethat, you know, this is a war,
(34:04):
this is a war within thedementia crisis, and maybe I
promoted myself from infantrymento captain or corporal or field
general.
Yes.
You know, you're the veteran.
You know, better the terminologythat I do, but I, I still honor.
And appreciate the roles ofsomeone like the Alzheimer's
Association that continues to bethe four star general, right?
(34:26):
Or you know, even we have inMinnesota, the senior linkage
line and other states have areaagencies on aging.
We all seem to have our go-toorganizations and there are a
lot of them, and I'm so gratefulfor them.
So part of what I do is connectpeople to that and so.
Part of my outreach.
In addition to that mentorshipis saying, listen, this is where
else you can go.
And part of what I do alsowithin so many goodbyes is
(34:49):
educate.
So I speak at a lot ofconferences, I speak at events,
I speak at workplaces to helpreally educate folks on, Hey,
this is why your colleague may alittle out of it on this day, or
maybe.
Sad or maybe late or whateverthe reason.
This is why we're seeing that.
Because you know that childcareissue now, they're seeing it on
the other end.
Yeah.
And so just have space and gracefor that too.
(35:12):
And then of course, I educatethrough the podcast too.
And we're so grateful to haveyou on our podcast today with
Minnesota Masonic Histories andMysteries.
We have a memory care unit atour Masonic home where we're
recording today.
in a long history with theUniversity of Minnesota.
It's over 70 years strong now.
(35:35):
Cancer Research, children'sHealth.
We recently pledged a newfacility for the Masonic
Institute of Biology andMetabolism.
Awesome.
Looking at healthy aging and I,I know that the memory aspect is
going to be a huge portion ofthe research in that greater
picture.
(35:55):
So between being on Carol Levinmm-hmm.
Your travels, your speaking,your podcast people, they must
feel like they know you.
Well, it's that trusted friendon tv.
Mm-hmm.
it's kind of funny, I laughbecause I just had this again
yesterday.
I, people will say, oh, I, I, Ifeel like I know her, but I look
(36:17):
like a lot of Minnesota moms.
So they, they're like, how do Iknow?
Did I run her into her at thegrocery store?
What?
It's when I start talking.
Yes.
Because as a radio personyourself, former career, right?
You can appreciate differentvoice qualities and I have a
unique voice.
Yes.
Especially in the broadcastfield.
It's a little higher.
It's just a different voice thana lot of women in broadcast.
And so when I start talking,that's when they'll say.
(36:40):
You are Carla Holt that I'mlike, yeah, I know you.
No, I really know you.
Exactly.
The voice.
So if you're saying, wow, she'sa unique voice, you're not the
only one who's ever said that.
And I, you know, I roll with it.
It's kind of, I think my voiceis in part from the Holt family
really.
I think I, my, I'm, yeah, Ithink that we all unique voices
in the Holt family and my, Ihave a couple sisters and
(37:00):
definitely a cousin who sounds alot like me.
And yet the difference is shesings beautifully.
So I'm always like, how did thathappen?
Yeah.
We sound alike when we, when wetalk, and yet I can't sing on
tune, so that's not fair.
But yeah, no, it's, it's alltrue.
Tell us what kid stuff.
(37:22):
That you still enjoy as anadult?
Hmm.
Kid.
Stuff that I still enjoy and Ilove candy.
Does that count?
Sure.
What kind?
Uh, I'm a, I don't wanna say asucker, pun intended.
Hole.
I'm a sucker for licorice.
Really?
I am.
Twizzler or Wiley?
Wallaby.
What's the, okay.
Wiley Wallaby has captured myheart in recent years.
(37:42):
The i, I like the watermelon andI like the mixed berry.
So bad.
Every time we go to Target, mydaughter and I were like, oh,
gotta get another bag.
Just put it.
And they have it right by theregisters.
Of course they do.
Do you notice that course rightby the checkout?
Come on.
They know.
Is it worse on a road trip forthe candy?
Probably.
Why?
Why is that?
Because I, I don't know aboutyou, but I grew up with my mom
(38:04):
and dad.
You know what they had?
They always had lemon drops.
Yeah.
In the car.
Mm-hmm.
Remember those?
Mm-hmm.
And so I don't even know iflemon drops are sold.
I don't think I've seen a lemondrop in a gas station or a
grocery store anytime recently.
It's been a while, but I am a, Ilove lemon drops too, but now
I've kind of pivoted to the oldlicorice.
But I like a Twix too.
(38:24):
And I like Dairy Queen.
I, I have a sweet tooth.
Can you tell'em a Swed?
Yes.
It's like the Scandinavian we'rewe're wired that way.
We are.
What are people.
Overly impressed with in thisworld in general?
Hmm.
Overly.
And do you mean to a fault?
(38:44):
Like they're too impressed,however you take that.
Huh?
Well, I will say in this world,and it's a part of what I really
love about our earlierconversation related to the
Masons and to the Masoniccommunity at large, is I think
people are overly impressed anda little too fixated right now
on their own tribe and on theothering.
(39:07):
That is happening and thedivision that results from that.
And I love when people can seethe commonalities and when we
can find what is so similar andthen when we can unite.
'cause we are all together inthis life.
And I think we are so much morealike than we are different.
And when we can.
(39:27):
Find each other.
We also find solutions and wefind peace.
And so I think this wholeothering that comes with our own
identifications is somethingthat everyone is a little overly
impressed with right now.
If you could go back.
(39:48):
And talk some sense into yourteenage self.
Mm-hmm.
What would you say wear moresunscreen?
Carla?
Wear more sunscreen.
Why?
Why?
I was, okay.
So I mentioned Clear Lake.
Growing up in Forest Lake.
I loved it.
I was a big water skier, stillwater ski.
I planned to break.
The Guinness World Book ofRecords of oldest woman, water
(40:09):
skier who still slaloms that.
That's my goal.
That's a goal.
That's another goal in my life.
Wow.
But I was a big water skier andI also, I was a windsurf
instructor, so I would windsurfand so I was big into water
activities, but I did notslather on the sunscreen in the
way that I should haveconsidering my Swedish skin.
And I feel like that's amistake.
And so I try to teach mydaughters who are teenage and
(40:29):
who always.
Seem to wanna get color.
I'm like, don't get color thatway.
You don't need to get a tan thatway.
It's not needed and you pay aprice.
Oh.
And I just don't think it'sworth it.
So I would tell my teenage selfthat.
I also might tell her that, youknow, don't take life too
seriously.
They're gonna be serious crisesthat come.
You know what, I'm gonna modifythat.
(40:50):
I'm gonna revise that.
Don't take yourself tooseriously.
Life is gonna throw you seriouscurve balls.
But just let yourself evolve andgrow and find the resources.
Find your village, find yourpeople, find your way through
life, and just be honest withyourself about what you need in
those moments, and how to showup for your loved ones and for
(41:13):
your community.
Put yourself out there.
Yeah.
Across the board.
Yeah.
Why not?
Life is short.
We're not meant to live italone.
No.
We are not in a silo.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
And life might throw yousomething that makes you feel
like you're in a silo, but justtry your best and it will take
(41:36):
that intentional thought.
And I'm speaking to carepartners, especially when I say
that it will take intentionalthought to find the resources
that do exist that are aroundyou.
So many goodbyes.com.
Mm-hmm.
For more info.
Carla Halt.
It has been an honor having youwith us today in studio.
(42:00):
You are quite a storyteller andthe world is better for you
sharing your story with it.
Thank you.
I am honored to be here and Iwanna emphasize too, I'm really,
I'm honored and I'm so gratefulfor the Masonic mission.
I think it's a beautiful one.
So thank you for what you aredoing as a community.
(42:21):
If you're an individual, Masonlistening right now, thank you
for what you're doing for all ofus.
You are making our world better,so I'm grateful to be here
today.
Thank you so much, Reid.
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On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!