August 23, 2024 • 31 mins
In this episode of the Mom Owned and Operated podcast, Rita Suzanne and Danielle Lee Darling discuss raising a family, running a business and remembering yourself.
Danielle Lee Darling is a speaker, ThetaHealing Practitioner and Identity-Based Life Coach who specializes in helping women break free from their past, reconnect to who they truly are and create a life built on their authentic truth.
As a recovering people pleaser and perfectionist herself, Danielle has broken free from the limits of being a “good girl” and now uses Identity Based Coaching and the power of Theta Healing to help women quantum leap their money, love and joy by upgrading their identities!
You can connect with Danielle on Instagram, Facebook and TikTok.
Send a text message! Email, if you want a reply though. ;)
P.S. You can find more interviews at momownedandoperated.com and learn about working with Rita at ritasuzanne.com/apply/
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Episode Transcript
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Rita Suzanne (00:02):
Hi, this is Mom Owned and Operated.
I am Rita, Suzanne, and today Ihave my guest Danielle with me.
Danielle, please tell everyoneall about you, your business and
your family.
Danielle Lee Darling (00:13):
Oh, awesome.
Thank you so much, rita.
It's so great to be here.
My name is Danielle Lee darlingand I am a certified
identity-based life coach andtheta healing practitioner.
Identity-based life coach andtheta healing practitioner.
Basically, what I do is I helppeople break through the belief
barriers that are holding themback, quickly and efficiently.
Healing doesn't have to be hardis my little motto right now,
(00:36):
and I help people recreate theiridentities and create a life
that they love, and I am a momof two amazing kids.
I have my son, daxton, who willbe 13 in like a couple of weeks
.
I'm like in the thick ofteenage years coming up, and my
daughter is 10.
Rita Suzanne (00:53):
So nice.
I love it.
I also have a bunch ofteenagers, so it's a lot of it's
a full stage, isn't it?
Well, I have four of them.
My youngest is 13.
So, yeah, he is definitely ahandful.
So let's talk about identityand the importance that I feel
(01:17):
like a lot of times, when youbecome a mom, you're well not.
I feel like this does happen.
When you become a mom, youridentity does change, and so
let's talk about that a littlebit.
Danielle Lee Darling (01:30):
Yeah, we don't talk about this enough.
I feel like we go from oneperson to another person
literally overnight.
That baby, you go into thehospital and you come out a
completely different person.
And this role is, there's a lotof expectations with it and
sometimes there's a lot ofcultural, societal expectations,
(01:51):
along with the expectationsthat you and your partner have,
and that starts to craft the waythat we show up and we have so
much responsibility and littleby little, we lose the things if
we're not carefulresponsibility and little by
little, we lose the things ifwe're not careful.
The things that are importantto us, our hobbies, our passions
, the things that made us whoour spouse fell in love with in
(02:12):
the first place, and we can loseour sense of self.
So it's so important tounderstand who you are, outside
of just your role as a mother,and to intentionally do things
to keep those things intact,like self-care not just bubble
baths and wine nights, buttaking time to process emotions
(02:32):
and getting deep with yourthoughts, physical, spiritual
care, taking time to do yourhobbies and making time for the
friendships and the connectionsthat you had previous to
becoming a mother.
Rita Suzanne (02:47):
So if we add on business owner into those
identities, what is another, Iguess?
What does that aspect look likeas well?
Danielle Lee Darling (02:57):
Right, it feels like you're switching hats
every two seconds between I'llbe working at my desk and then
I'll get an email about my kidat school and then I'll get an
email from my client.
I'm like, okay, it's a constant,almost mindset juggling that we
have to do.
And so being rooted in youridentity, outside of roles,
(03:20):
outside of your role as abusiness owner, outside of your
role as a mother, by knowingwhat makes you special, like
what makes what are yourstrengths, what are the things,
the virtues that you have thatbring that special sauce to your
clients and to your childrenand to your spouse.
It's also knowing your valuesand having that clear vision for
(03:42):
the life that you want tocreate.
Because when you have thosethings in place, I like to talk
about like the analogy of, it'skind of like bumper bowling,
right, so you're the bowlingball and your values and your
strengths are moving that balldown the lane to your goal, but
the bumpers are your vision andyour purpose in life and when
(04:03):
you've got those things in place, it creates almost like a
container where getting to yourgoals, whether it's personal
with your family orprofessionally with your
business, is so much easier andquicker and faster.
Rita Suzanne (04:17):
So oftentimes, though, women struggle with
maintaining those values andthings because they are too
critical with themselves,absolutely.
Let's talk a little bit aboutthat inner critic.
Danielle Lee Darling (04:31):
Yes, absolutely.
I have an amazing tool on mywebsite that gives you a
framework to work through as youare dealing with the inner
critic.
So our inner critic is thatvoice that has been built on the
beliefs that have beeninstalled in us since childhood.
They are just stories, they areways that we made clarity and
(04:52):
understanding about the worldaround us.
So my analogy I love analogiesbecause it just helps me wrap my
brain around what is actuallyhappening, because we don't, I
can't talk to, like talkingabout synapses and neuroscience
and stuff like that can get kindof dry.
But imagine your brain whenyou're born is like a forest and
it's overgrown because nothinghas been built.
(05:13):
It's just there's treeseverywhere, there's grass that's
waist high, and then somethingwill happen and a pathway, a
clear path will, will open upand it's just like when you're
walking a path for the firsttime in a forest, it starts
getting matted down and then itstarts to get a little bit
easier to walk and then you'rein teenage years.
(05:34):
Somebody comes along and pavesthat path and puts like a nice
little track lighting along theway and it makes it super fast
for us to move it down.
And then by the time we're inthe forties.
It's like a four-lane highwaywith mass lighting, off ramps,
and there's an airport just offthe side there.
So it's chaotic and it's movingsuper, super fast.
And we don't even realize thatthose pathways and those beliefs
(05:58):
have been built.
And that path was originallybuilt because, as a child, we
are always trying to keepourselves safe and loved.
That is built into our biology,so mommy is a little bit
stressed out and she's a littlebit angry.
That day the child internalizesthat, as I, have to be perfect
(06:20):
in order to be lovable and thatturns into an adaptation that we
make to our behavior built onthat belief.
And then that perfectionistvoice forms into our head and is
wreaking havoc on our business,our parenting and our sense of
self once we get to adulthood.
So I joke that this work that Ido is like standing at the
(06:44):
opening of that pathway andtaking your inner child in one
hand and the machete in theother and saying, baby, we're
creating a new path in theforest.
Rita Suzanne (06:52):
So what are some techniques that we can do in
order to, I guess, break free ofthis inner critic ourselves?
Danielle Lee Darling (07:00):
Yeah, it's about noticing the story when
it comes up.
So the framework that's on theworkbook and the freebie is
called STOP, it's S-T-O-P, it'sfour simple steps.
S is the story, so it'srecognizing that story that's
coming up.
It's like what am I tellingmyself in this moment?
I'm telling myself that I'm notenough.
(07:21):
I'm telling myself that I'm aterrible mother.
I'm telling myself that I'mnever going to make it in my
business right.
And then the T is the event orthe trigger.
So what happened to triggerthis?
Like, was my child just upsetabout something?
Was my spouse upset aboutsomething that happened at the
home?
Did my client send an email?
(07:43):
That wasn't the kindest right?
What are the things?
So we can create awarenessaround the things that are
creating the stories, the thingsthat are bringing the stories
up into our brain trigger.
You could also explore itdeeper and look to what the
deeper belief and meaning is,and I have tools for that as
well.
O is other explanations orobservations.
(08:06):
So when I was a young motherand my child would be upset
about something because I hadsuch perfectionist tendencies, I
would internalize that assomething is wrong with me as a
mother not understanding thepsychology of a child and where
their brain development is Nowunderstanding that, looking back
on it, I'm like I totally beatmyself up for other things, all
(08:30):
these things that were not myfault.
So, understanding otherexplanations he's tired, he's
hungry, he needs a diaper change.
He didn't get enough sleep lastnight.
There's something else that'sbothering.
He needs a diaper change.
He didn't get enough sleep lastnight.
There's something else that'sbothering him and he just needs
attention.
Right, it's not necessarily me.
What are the other explanationsthat we can have?
Or observations about thesituation where we can create
(08:53):
more opportunities to step inand step into our best identity,
and then the P is your powerfultruth.
Step into our best identity,and then the P is your powerful
truth.
So if you can provide otherexplanations for the story, then
is the story you're tellingyourself really true?
No, so if you can choose anystory you want to tell yourself
what's a powerful truth?
(09:14):
What's a powerful story that youcan tell yourself about who you
are as a mother, who you are asa business owner, that you can
tell yourself about who you areas a mother, who you are as a
business owner, so we can say,well, I am a fantastic mother
just because my child is cryinghas no reflection on the fact
that I am actually a reallygreat mother and I show up for
my kids every single day.
It's recentering yourself inthat identity right.
(09:34):
It's recentering ourselves inthe values, the virtues, the
ways that we show up in theworld every single day and
knowing who you are outside ofthat role and how those things
influence your roles as well.
Rita Suzanne (09:47):
Yeah, it reminds me of this thing that I did with
my kids, and especially whenthey were younger, when they
would maybe be fighting witheach other and one of them would
say, oh, he said I was mean.
And then I would say, well, areyou mean?
And then he would say the otherone would reply back and say no
(10:08):
, and I would say, okay, well,why are you letting this bother
you?
And then he would say, okay,and then leave Right.
Danielle Lee Darling (10:17):
I love that and I love that you bring.
You're bringing thatself-awareness discussion to
your kids and that criticalthinking like, well, let's
reflect, Are you really beingmean?
And that's a great way for themto have that inner dialogue
with themselves.
You can speak to your innercritic and talk them down off
the ledge, right?
(10:38):
Yeah, I love that.
Rita Suzanne (10:40):
It's so important to try to, like, use these
different techniques, I think,with our kids to, you know, help
them with these habits.
You know, I didn't have that asa kid, and so when I started my
business and I started gettinginto, you know, some of these
practices, these wellnesspractices, the affirmations and
(11:04):
all of the things I started totry to figure out.
How can I incorporate this withmy kids without it being too
much and too much pressure forthem?
And that was one of the things.
But then also, the other thingthat I would do with them would
be these, these, what I call the10,.
I would tell them like, you'regonna, you're gonna do the 10.
(11:25):
Like, and what it would be wasif they would say something
negative about themselves.
I would then, in turn, make themsay 10, I am statements that
were positive about themselvesand they couldn't be related to
each other.
So you can't say I'm smart, I'mintelligent.
(11:46):
It would have to be somethingbrand new, different, and they
hated it, right.
They hated it because they putthe pressure on them, right, and
so, and hopefully, you know, itstuck with them.
But, yeah, those, those werethe two things that I really was
able to take and utilize withmy kids.
(12:09):
So, speaking of that, are therethings that you recommend to
moms that they can do with theirkids to kind of help their kids
not build that same highwaypathway that you know we have
built?
Danielle Lee Darling (12:23):
Yes, it's catching it, definitely catching
it.
Like I was just actually withmy daughter's little friend was
over the other day and she saidsomething about I'm lazy, and I
was like, oh no, no, we're goingto talk about that right now,
because think about how youwould speak to your best friend.
Would you ever tell your bestfriend that they are lazy?
And she said no.
(12:44):
And I said why would you evertell yourself that you are your
own best friend and you shouldtreat yourself as such?
So learning how to develop thatrelationship with self from a
very early age is so key and Ilove that you used that.
Those 10 things is because it'sabout catching it and saying
(13:05):
that is not.
That is not how we talk to eachother and that is not how we
talk to ourselves in this family, and using that as a founding
value that the family has notonly with each other but to
ourselves as well.
I think that's so key.
Rita Suzanne (13:21):
Yeah, it's really important.
So what, if anything, do youthink that women need to do to
kind of get out Like?
Are there practices that theycan use in order to get out of
this critical I guess,self-sabotage that they may be
(13:45):
falling victim to?
Danielle Lee Darling (13:48):
Well, first it is about the
self-awareness and understandingthe beliefs.
The other thing they need to dois to understand where those
are coming from.
Those beliefs were created whenyou were a child and you didn't
.
You had maybe some idea aboutlanguage, but you don't have the
critical thinking skills torealize that mom being angry
might not have anything to dowith you.
Like we can use with the stopframework now.
(14:09):
So developing that relationshipwith your inner child.
I know there's a lot of talkabout inner child work, but it
really is fundamentally andfoundationally important because
anytime we're experiencinganxiety, that is usually an
alarm that is being set off bythe reflections of our past, by
(14:30):
our inner child.
So, understanding how to talkto her in that moment, saying I
know you're feeling unlovableright now.
I know you're feeling likeyou'll never be enough, but I'm
here to tell you you are enough.
Going back and telling hereverything that she needed to
know as a child that she neverheard.
Those are so incrediblyimportant.
(14:52):
And then the other side of mypractice actually is theta
healing.
Have you ever heard of ThetaHealing, rita?
No, it is a modality that'sbeen around for about 15 years,
but I just learned about it and,through experiencing it myself,
decided to get certified.
It's a meditative processwhereby I help my client get
(15:12):
into a theta brainwave state andwe connect with the creator to
download any beliefs that wewant.
So if somebody is strugglingwith feelings like I'm not
enough or I'm not lovable, or Ihave to be perfect in order to
be lovable, I can literally goin and allow the creator to pull
those beliefs and install newones and the impact is almost
(15:38):
immediate.
It's absolutely amazing howeffortless it becomes to start
that healing process, becausenormally when we start to
identify these things and we'rebuilding that self-awareness,
it's that two steps forward, onestep back, one step forward,
two steps back.
Because it's constantly thatpush and pull because those
beliefs remember we're talkingabout a four lane effing highway
(16:01):
.
Now, right, there's no gettingoff of it.
It's very difficult to takethat machete and start carving a
new path in the forest, butthrough theta healing we
alleviate all of that and thepath is automatically created,
so there's a lot less resistance.
Rita Suzanne (16:18):
So there's a lot less resistance.
Yeah, I find that.
You know, when I first startedmy business, I talked about this
on several other episodesbefore my coach she's my very
first coach she said to me youreally have a mindset issue.
Right Back then we're talking10 years ago I had no idea what
(16:41):
she even meant and I think thatoftentimes, you know, now
mindset is more of a common.
There's more common knowledgearound it.
People understand what mindsetis, but back then it wasn't as
well known as it is now and Ithink that a lot of people
really didn't realize the thingsthat we needed to do to take
(17:04):
care of ourselves, like we knownow right.
Danielle Lee Darling (17:09):
Anything good came out of COVID, it was
this new, renewed focus onmental health, and I'm just so
inspired by not only the talkabout mental health but how that
mental health is actuallyaffecting us physically.
If you haven't read the bookMyth of Normal by Gabor Mate, or
how to Heal your Life by LouiseHay, it talks about how the
(17:32):
mental things that we thinkactually show up physiologically
in our body, and that's why thepractice is called Theta
Healing, because once you starthealing those thoughts, those
emotions, those energies, youcan actually start healing your
body as well.
Rita Suzanne (17:47):
So my coach that same coach she was talking to me
about the power of the mindright.
And it is so important to fixthat self-talk because I think
80 to 85% of your subliminalthoughts are negative, and so
that we don't even realize thatwe're self-talking negative.
(18:11):
And that's why it's importantto do the affirmations, why it's
important to do the gratitudeand the journaling and all of
the things that are kind ofsecond nature nowadays, and do
you encourage those things aswell?
Absolutely.
Danielle Lee Darling (18:29):
So, once you identify what the belief is
that you're struggling with, youcan at any point rewrite that
belief when you understand whereit came from and realize that
there's other explanations tohow that belief got implanted
into your mental framework.
You can choose a new story atany time.
You are in control.
(18:50):
That's the most exciting thingabout all of this.
It's simply a choice for you tomake that say from now on, I am
no longer a person that says Iam not enough.
I am no longer a person thatfeels unlovable.
I am the type of person whofeels enough every single day.
So I love the affirmations.
But the step up on that is bywriting out statements that say
(19:14):
I am the type of person whoblank, because when you click
that, I am am.
That's.
That's also a connection tosource as well, and that helps
you um be more aligned.
And I have like a instead of avision board next to my bed.
I have a like a vision list, soI have lists.
I am the type of person whoworks out three to five times a
(19:35):
week.
I am the type of person wholooks put together every single
day, and these are the parts ofme that I would wanted to work
on, to step into my future self.
Because as a business owner, asa mother, we have goals and
dreams for our families and ourbusinesses, but it is only by
embodying the identity ofsomebody who already has that
(19:58):
success that we can truly startto do the things that we need to
do to have what we want to have.
So it's the be, do have.
Rita Suzanne (20:06):
It makes me think of what I heard somebody say is,
like you know, often peoplewill say the affirmation I am a
millionaire, right, but ourbrain says, no, you're not right
.
No, you're automatically.
No matter how many times yousay I'm a millionaire, your
brain is telling you, no, you'renot.
And so by doing something likewhat you're saying, I think that
(20:30):
it's more effective becauseyour brain is saying, oh, you
are the type of person who doesthese things, or who actually
enforces or reinforces theseparticular habits, maybe of a
millionaire or a successful,quote, unquote person.
Danielle Lee Darling (20:46):
Right, because everybody's idea of
success is their own, right, andit's your brain is a really
great detective, right, so itwill also call you out on your
BS If it feels like it's too far.
You can say something like I amthe type of person who has a
million dollar a year business.
I am the type of person whomakes money with ease.
(21:08):
Right To release a lot of thoseblocks that are preventing the
millionaire, because right nowyour brain's like there's no way
that you're ever going to be amillionaire.
What are you thinking?
But if you show up as the typeof person who does have a
million dollar business, whodoes make money with ease, that
will eventually come.
So your brain will go tosupport whatever you tell it.
(21:31):
So we can choose to tell itsomething negative and create a
shame spiral, or we can chooseto tell ourselves something that
is affirmational andaspirational to the life that we
want to create.
Rita Suzanne (21:43):
Yeah, I always tell my kids your brain is so
powerful, so stop saying thesenegative things, stop telling it
these these bad things.
So if somebody is let's saythat they are struggling with
something.
It is really hard for someoneto get out of that negative
spiral.
What are some things that youwould recommend that they do in
(22:04):
order to maybe stop thatnegative thought process?
Because, right, the negativejust continues to attract more
negative.
Danielle Lee Darling (22:14):
Yeah, that's why I call the framework
stop first of all because it'seasy to remember.
You just want to stop.
Stop, right.
So here's one thing I want youto understand it can sometimes
be hard to build thisself-awareness.
So what I have my clients do isI have them tap into their body
, because normally when we feelthings like shame and fear,
(22:36):
we'll have a more physiologicalresponse before we register oh,
that's what that is in the brain.
So the physical manifestationof shame is hiding.
So I had a couple of friends.
I had this one friend who wasfeeling a lot of shame about
some things that were happeningin her life and she pulled back
from our friendship circle andshe kind of siloed herself and I
(22:57):
called her out on it.
Like that's not what you needto do when you.
You need support when we feelshame, right?
So when you're feeling shame,you can.
Then you're like I said, yourbrain goes to work to support
you.
So what will happen is that yousay, oh, I'm not enough, I suck.
And your brain's like, oh, yeah, remember the time you sucked
this time and you suck this timeand you suck this time all the
(23:20):
way back to fourth grade whensnarky Susie had a bad feeling
about your haircut and didn'tlet you sit with your friends at
lunch Like it will bring upeverything and that only
accumulates more of the shame.
So, as I mentioned, theself-awareness is so key and
then using something like a tool, like the stop framework, to
move ourselves out of thatemotion back into our powerful
(23:43):
truth.
We never want to take action onour lives from a place of shame
, fear that will move us in theopposite direction of our goals,
by always taking a step forwardfrom our powerful truth.
That's what's going to get usmoving forward in the right
direction.
Rita Suzanne (23:59):
Love it.
It's going to get us movingforward in the right direction.
Love it.
So it's interesting that youbring up the isolation and and
those things, because one of thereasons why I started this
podcast was because I was goingthrough a traumatic event in my
life and so I had isolatedmyself so much and I said, you
(24:22):
know, I really need tounderstand how other moms are
able to run their business,raise their family and, like,
actually take care of themselves, because I was not taking care
of myself very well, and so oneaspect that I love to talk about
is how are you taking care ofyourself?
(24:44):
Because I want moms to rememberto take care of themselves and
I love to hear how other momsare doing it, because there's
different ways, right, and somaybe by hearing how somebody
else is doing it, even if it'sjust a little thing that they're
doing, it might spark.
Somebody else is doing it, evenif it's just a little thing
that they're doing, it mightspark somebody else to actually
take care of themselves better.
Danielle Lee Darling (25:06):
So one of my favorite quotes is by Lisa
Nichols.
It's a and I'm going to butcherit, but it's like you get to
drink from my saucer.
It's the idea that you filledyour cup to overflowing so that
the people around you aredrinking from your overflow, are
getting your overflow.
And when I was a young mom, Ididn't expect that.
I didn't understand that at all.
I had a lot of expectationsfrom now.
(25:28):
My now ex-husband and I put alot of pressure on myself to
sacrifice my health, my mentalhealth, in order to make sure
that I was doing everythingperfectly.
Yeah, so bringing awarenessaround those expectations.
(25:50):
I notice a lot from my taglinesfor my businesses.
I help people pleasers andperfectionists stop shooting on
themselves so they can create alife that they love.
Because when we use the wordsshould, it elicits the feeling
of shame, because it means thatwe are not meeting some type of
expectation right.
So I took should out of myvocabulary.
(26:13):
It slips in every once in awhile, but especially when I'm
talking to my kids.
I'm like you should, like oh,shoot, Um, but it really is such
a powerful word to remove fromyour vocabulary and instead say
I feel most aligned when I amthe type of person who and the
other things that I do formental health and self-care.
(26:35):
Obviously, with my Thetahealing practice, I'm in
meditation a lot of hours of theday, which is so fun because
it's really, really great foryour mental health and just
bringing that awareness inside.
I am the type of person, as Isaid earlier, that goes to the
gym three to five days a week.
Moving my body, I know, has madea huge difference in my mental
(26:58):
health.
And then also, too, I thinkother foundational thing is that
I have an incredible network ofwomen around me.
When I was starting to feelunhappy in my marriage, coming
out of COVID, realizing that Ineeded to make a change, I
decided that I wanted tosurround myself with
(27:18):
growth-oriented women who weregoing to challenge me and who
were going to support me,because I knew life was going to
change and I knew that I wantedto do more, be more in my life
and create a business.
And so now all of my friendsare amazing female entrepreneurs
that cheer each other on and Ileaned into their friendships
(27:38):
when I was going through mytransition in life and because
of that, I feel like I'mmentally healthier and stronger.
So when you are feeling shame,understanding that whole concept
around shame and how we pullback.
Lean in to the people that loveyou when you are struggling,
(28:00):
because they want to be therefor you.
Rita Suzanne (28:04):
But oftentimes women have a hard time asking
for help.
Oh yeah, oh yeah, that's awhole.
That's a whole other podcastepisode.
So I do want to touch back justreally briefly for my moms who
have tried meditation, who maybestruggle with meditation
because their attention spanmaybe gets lost, and so do you
(28:28):
have any tips with meditation?
And those who say I can't do itbecause I get distracted too
easily.
Danielle Lee Darling (28:36):
The thing that changed things for me with
meditation is the changing myapproach right.
As women especially if there'sanybody resonating with being a
people pleaser or perfectionistwe always want to do things
right, do things the right way.
Meditation is a practice,that's all it is.
There's no wrong way to do it.
(28:57):
So just by spending, I get thatnotification on my Apple watch
all the time.
It says take a minute toyourself.
That's all you need.
It's just taking a minute toclose your eyes, notice the
sensations in your body, noticethe thoughts that are happening
in your head.
It's just about bringingawareness inside and it's not
about doing anythingspecifically perfectly.
(29:19):
Of course, in Theta Healing wehave a result that we're looking
for and that is facilitated byme.
You don't need to do a lot ofwork, but when you're in your
own meditative practice,approach it as a practice.
Release the expectations or theshoulds around meditation and
you'll find more ease with itbecause you won't be trying to
(29:42):
hold on to this expectation ofdoing it right.
Rita Suzanne (29:45):
Love it.
So where are you online?
Where can others connect withyou?
Danielle Lee Darling (29:51):
You can find me on all social media
outlets at Danielle Lee Darling,and that's Darling as in, isn't
she darling, not Darlene?
It's my great-grandfather'slast name and my middle name,
and then, of course, my websiteis danielleedarlenecom.
You can reach me there and getthat stop workbook freebie.
Rita Suzanne (30:10):
Love it.
Thank you so much.
It's been such a pleasurechatting with you.
Danielle Lee Darling (30:14):
You too, Rita.
Thank you so much for theopportunity.
Hi, this is Mom Owned and Operated.
I am Rita, Suzanne, and today Ihave my guest Danielle with me.
Danielle, please tell everyoneall about you, your business and
your family.
Danielle Lee Darling (00:13):
Oh, awesome.
Thank you so much, rita.
It's so great to be here.
My name is Danielle Lee darlingand I am a certified
identity-based life coach andtheta healing practitioner.
Identity-based life coach andtheta healing practitioner.
Basically, what I do is I helppeople break through the belief
barriers that are holding themback, quickly and efficiently.
Healing doesn't have to be hardis my little motto right now,
(00:36):
and I help people recreate theiridentities and create a life
that they love, and I am a momof two amazing kids.
I have my son, daxton, who willbe 13 in like a couple of weeks
.
I'm like in the thick ofteenage years coming up, and my
daughter is 10.
Rita Suzanne (00:53):
So nice.
I love it.
I also have a bunch ofteenagers, so it's a lot of it's
a full stage, isn't it?
Well, I have four of them.
My youngest is 13.
So, yeah, he is definitely ahandful.
So let's talk about identityand the importance that I feel
(01:17):
like a lot of times, when youbecome a mom, you're well not.
I feel like this does happen.
When you become a mom, youridentity does change, and so
let's talk about that a littlebit.
Danielle Lee Darling (01:30):
Yeah, we don't talk about this enough.
I feel like we go from oneperson to another person
literally overnight.
That baby, you go into thehospital and you come out a
completely different person.
And this role is, there's a lotof expectations with it and
sometimes there's a lot ofcultural, societal expectations,
(01:51):
along with the expectationsthat you and your partner have,
and that starts to craft the waythat we show up and we have so
much responsibility and littleby little, we lose the things if
we're not carefulresponsibility and little by
little, we lose the things ifwe're not careful.
The things that are importantto us, our hobbies, our passions
, the things that made us whoour spouse fell in love with in
(02:12):
the first place, and we can loseour sense of self.
So it's so important tounderstand who you are, outside
of just your role as a mother,and to intentionally do things
to keep those things intact,like self-care not just bubble
baths and wine nights, buttaking time to process emotions
(02:32):
and getting deep with yourthoughts, physical, spiritual
care, taking time to do yourhobbies and making time for the
friendships and the connectionsthat you had previous to
becoming a mother.
Rita Suzanne (02:47):
So if we add on business owner into those
identities, what is another, Iguess?
What does that aspect look likeas well?
Danielle Lee Darling (02:57):
Right, it feels like you're switching hats
every two seconds between I'llbe working at my desk and then
I'll get an email about my kidat school and then I'll get an
email from my client.
I'm like, okay, it's a constant,almost mindset juggling that we
have to do.
And so being rooted in youridentity, outside of roles,
(03:20):
outside of your role as abusiness owner, outside of your
role as a mother, by knowingwhat makes you special, like
what makes what are yourstrengths, what are the things,
the virtues that you have thatbring that special sauce to your
clients and to your childrenand to your spouse.
It's also knowing your valuesand having that clear vision for
(03:42):
the life that you want tocreate.
Because when you have thosethings in place, I like to talk
about like the analogy of, it'skind of like bumper bowling,
right, so you're the bowlingball and your values and your
strengths are moving that balldown the lane to your goal, but
the bumpers are your vision andyour purpose in life and when
(04:03):
you've got those things in place, it creates almost like a
container where getting to yourgoals, whether it's personal
with your family orprofessionally with your
business, is so much easier andquicker and faster.
Rita Suzanne (04:17):
So oftentimes, though, women struggle with
maintaining those values andthings because they are too
critical with themselves,absolutely.
Let's talk a little bit aboutthat inner critic.
Danielle Lee Darling (04:31):
Yes, absolutely.
I have an amazing tool on mywebsite that gives you a
framework to work through as youare dealing with the inner
critic.
So our inner critic is thatvoice that has been built on the
beliefs that have beeninstalled in us since childhood.
They are just stories, they areways that we made clarity and
(04:52):
understanding about the worldaround us.
So my analogy I love analogiesbecause it just helps me wrap my
brain around what is actuallyhappening, because we don't, I
can't talk to, like talkingabout synapses and neuroscience
and stuff like that can get kindof dry.
But imagine your brain whenyou're born is like a forest and
it's overgrown because nothinghas been built.
(05:13):
It's just there's treeseverywhere, there's grass that's
waist high, and then somethingwill happen and a pathway, a
clear path will, will open upand it's just like when you're
walking a path for the firsttime in a forest, it starts
getting matted down and then itstarts to get a little bit
easier to walk and then you'rein teenage years.
(05:34):
Somebody comes along and pavesthat path and puts like a nice
little track lighting along theway and it makes it super fast
for us to move it down.
And then by the time we're inthe forties.
It's like a four-lane highwaywith mass lighting, off ramps,
and there's an airport just offthe side there.
So it's chaotic and it's movingsuper, super fast.
And we don't even realize thatthose pathways and those beliefs
(05:58):
have been built.
And that path was originallybuilt because, as a child, we
are always trying to keepourselves safe and loved.
That is built into our biology,so mommy is a little bit
stressed out and she's a littlebit angry.
That day the child internalizesthat, as I, have to be perfect
(06:20):
in order to be lovable and thatturns into an adaptation that we
make to our behavior built onthat belief.
And then that perfectionistvoice forms into our head and is
wreaking havoc on our business,our parenting and our sense of
self once we get to adulthood.
So I joke that this work that Ido is like standing at the
(06:44):
opening of that pathway andtaking your inner child in one
hand and the machete in theother and saying, baby, we're
creating a new path in theforest.
Rita Suzanne (06:52):
So what are some techniques that we can do in
order to, I guess, break free ofthis inner critic ourselves?
Danielle Lee Darling (07:00):
Yeah, it's about noticing the story when
it comes up.
So the framework that's on theworkbook and the freebie is
called STOP, it's S-T-O-P, it'sfour simple steps.
S is the story, so it'srecognizing that story that's
coming up.
It's like what am I tellingmyself in this moment?
I'm telling myself that I'm notenough.
(07:21):
I'm telling myself that I'm aterrible mother.
I'm telling myself that I'mnever going to make it in my
business right.
And then the T is the event orthe trigger.
So what happened to triggerthis?
Like, was my child just upsetabout something?
Was my spouse upset aboutsomething that happened at the
home?
Did my client send an email?
(07:43):
That wasn't the kindest right?
What are the things?
So we can create awarenessaround the things that are
creating the stories, the thingsthat are bringing the stories
up into our brain trigger.
You could also explore itdeeper and look to what the
deeper belief and meaning is,and I have tools for that as
well.
O is other explanations orobservations.
(08:06):
So when I was a young motherand my child would be upset
about something because I hadsuch perfectionist tendencies, I
would internalize that assomething is wrong with me as a
mother not understanding thepsychology of a child and where
their brain development is Nowunderstanding that, looking back
on it, I'm like I totally beatmyself up for other things, all
(08:30):
these things that were not myfault.
So, understanding otherexplanations he's tired, he's
hungry, he needs a diaper change.
He didn't get enough sleep lastnight.
There's something else that'sbothering.
He needs a diaper change.
He didn't get enough sleep lastnight.
There's something else that'sbothering him and he just needs
attention.
Right, it's not necessarily me.
What are the other explanationsthat we can have?
Or observations about thesituation where we can create
(08:53):
more opportunities to step inand step into our best identity,
and then the P is your powerfultruth.
Step into our best identity,and then the P is your powerful
truth.
So if you can provide otherexplanations for the story, then
is the story you're tellingyourself really true?
No, so if you can choose anystory you want to tell yourself
what's a powerful truth?
(09:14):
What's a powerful story that youcan tell yourself about who you
are as a mother, who you are asa business owner, that you can
tell yourself about who you areas a mother, who you are as a
business owner, so we can say,well, I am a fantastic mother
just because my child is cryinghas no reflection on the fact
that I am actually a reallygreat mother and I show up for
my kids every single day.
It's recentering yourself inthat identity right.
(09:34):
It's recentering ourselves inthe values, the virtues, the
ways that we show up in theworld every single day and
knowing who you are outside ofthat role and how those things
influence your roles as well.
Rita Suzanne (09:47):
Yeah, it reminds me of this thing that I did with
my kids, and especially whenthey were younger, when they
would maybe be fighting witheach other and one of them would
say, oh, he said I was mean.
And then I would say, well, areyou mean?
And then he would say the otherone would reply back and say no
(10:08):
, and I would say, okay, well,why are you letting this bother
you?
And then he would say, okay,and then leave Right.
Danielle Lee Darling (10:17):
I love that and I love that you bring.
You're bringing thatself-awareness discussion to
your kids and that criticalthinking like, well, let's
reflect, Are you really beingmean?
And that's a great way for themto have that inner dialogue
with themselves.
You can speak to your innercritic and talk them down off
the ledge, right?
(10:38):
Yeah, I love that.
Rita Suzanne (10:40):
It's so important to try to, like, use these
different techniques, I think,with our kids to, you know, help
them with these habits.
You know, I didn't have that asa kid, and so when I started my
business and I started gettinginto, you know, some of these
practices, these wellnesspractices, the affirmations and
(11:04):
all of the things I started totry to figure out.
How can I incorporate this withmy kids without it being too
much and too much pressure forthem?
And that was one of the things.
But then also, the other thingthat I would do with them would
be these, these, what I call the10,.
I would tell them like, you'regonna, you're gonna do the 10.
(11:25):
Like, and what it would be wasif they would say something
negative about themselves.
I would then, in turn, make themsay 10, I am statements that
were positive about themselvesand they couldn't be related to
each other.
So you can't say I'm smart, I'mintelligent.
(11:46):
It would have to be somethingbrand new, different, and they
hated it, right.
They hated it because they putthe pressure on them, right, and
so, and hopefully, you know, itstuck with them.
But, yeah, those, those werethe two things that I really was
able to take and utilize withmy kids.
(12:09):
So, speaking of that, are therethings that you recommend to
moms that they can do with theirkids to kind of help their kids
not build that same highwaypathway that you know we have
built?
Danielle Lee Darling (12:23):
Yes, it's catching it, definitely catching
it.
Like I was just actually withmy daughter's little friend was
over the other day and she saidsomething about I'm lazy, and I
was like, oh no, no, we're goingto talk about that right now,
because think about how youwould speak to your best friend.
Would you ever tell your bestfriend that they are lazy?
And she said no.
(12:44):
And I said why would you evertell yourself that you are your
own best friend and you shouldtreat yourself as such?
So learning how to develop thatrelationship with self from a
very early age is so key and Ilove that you used that.
Those 10 things is because it'sabout catching it and saying
(13:05):
that is not.
That is not how we talk to eachother and that is not how we
talk to ourselves in this family, and using that as a founding
value that the family has notonly with each other but to
ourselves as well.
I think that's so key.
Rita Suzanne (13:21):
Yeah, it's really important.
So what, if anything, do youthink that women need to do to
kind of get out Like?
Are there practices that theycan use in order to get out of
this critical I guess,self-sabotage that they may be
(13:45):
falling victim to?
Danielle Lee Darling (13:48):
Well, first it is about the
self-awareness and understandingthe beliefs.
The other thing they need to dois to understand where those
are coming from.
Those beliefs were created whenyou were a child and you didn't
.
You had maybe some idea aboutlanguage, but you don't have the
critical thinking skills torealize that mom being angry
might not have anything to dowith you.
Like we can use with the stopframework now.
(14:09):
So developing that relationshipwith your inner child.
I know there's a lot of talkabout inner child work, but it
really is fundamentally andfoundationally important because
anytime we're experiencinganxiety, that is usually an
alarm that is being set off bythe reflections of our past, by
(14:30):
our inner child.
So, understanding how to talkto her in that moment, saying I
know you're feeling unlovableright now.
I know you're feeling likeyou'll never be enough, but I'm
here to tell you you are enough.
Going back and telling hereverything that she needed to
know as a child that she neverheard.
Those are so incrediblyimportant.
(14:52):
And then the other side of mypractice actually is theta
healing.
Have you ever heard of ThetaHealing, rita?
No, it is a modality that'sbeen around for about 15 years,
but I just learned about it and,through experiencing it myself,
decided to get certified.
It's a meditative processwhereby I help my client get
(15:12):
into a theta brainwave state andwe connect with the creator to
download any beliefs that wewant.
So if somebody is strugglingwith feelings like I'm not
enough or I'm not lovable, or Ihave to be perfect in order to
be lovable, I can literally goin and allow the creator to pull
those beliefs and install newones and the impact is almost
(15:38):
immediate.
It's absolutely amazing howeffortless it becomes to start
that healing process, becausenormally when we start to
identify these things and we'rebuilding that self-awareness,
it's that two steps forward, onestep back, one step forward,
two steps back.
Because it's constantly thatpush and pull because those
beliefs remember we're talkingabout a four lane effing highway
(16:01):
.
Now, right, there's no gettingoff of it.
It's very difficult to takethat machete and start carving a
new path in the forest, butthrough theta healing we
alleviate all of that and thepath is automatically created,
so there's a lot less resistance.
Rita Suzanne (16:18):
So there's a lot less resistance.
Yeah, I find that.
You know, when I first startedmy business, I talked about this
on several other episodesbefore my coach she's my very
first coach she said to me youreally have a mindset issue.
Right Back then we're talking10 years ago I had no idea what
(16:41):
she even meant and I think thatoftentimes, you know, now
mindset is more of a common.
There's more common knowledgearound it.
People understand what mindsetis, but back then it wasn't as
well known as it is now and Ithink that a lot of people
really didn't realize the thingsthat we needed to do to take
(17:04):
care of ourselves, like we knownow right.
Danielle Lee Darling (17:09):
Anything good came out of COVID, it was
this new, renewed focus onmental health, and I'm just so
inspired by not only the talkabout mental health but how that
mental health is actuallyaffecting us physically.
If you haven't read the bookMyth of Normal by Gabor Mate, or
how to Heal your Life by LouiseHay, it talks about how the
(17:32):
mental things that we thinkactually show up physiologically
in our body, and that's why thepractice is called Theta
Healing, because once you starthealing those thoughts, those
emotions, those energies, youcan actually start healing your
body as well.
Rita Suzanne (17:47):
So my coach that same coach she was talking to me
about the power of the mindright.
And it is so important to fixthat self-talk because I think
80 to 85% of your subliminalthoughts are negative, and so
that we don't even realize thatwe're self-talking negative.
(18:11):
And that's why it's importantto do the affirmations, why it's
important to do the gratitudeand the journaling and all of
the things that are kind ofsecond nature nowadays, and do
you encourage those things aswell?
Absolutely.
Danielle Lee Darling (18:29):
So, once you identify what the belief is
that you're struggling with, youcan at any point rewrite that
belief when you understand whereit came from and realize that
there's other explanations tohow that belief got implanted
into your mental framework.
You can choose a new story atany time.
You are in control.
(18:50):
That's the most exciting thingabout all of this.
It's simply a choice for you tomake that say from now on, I am
no longer a person that says Iam not enough.
I am no longer a person thatfeels unlovable.
I am the type of person whofeels enough every single day.
So I love the affirmations.
But the step up on that is bywriting out statements that say
(19:14):
I am the type of person whoblank, because when you click
that, I am am.
That's.
That's also a connection tosource as well, and that helps
you um be more aligned.
And I have like a instead of avision board next to my bed.
I have a like a vision list, soI have lists.
I am the type of person whoworks out three to five times a
(19:35):
week.
I am the type of person wholooks put together every single
day, and these are the parts ofme that I would wanted to work
on, to step into my future self.
Because as a business owner, asa mother, we have goals and
dreams for our families and ourbusinesses, but it is only by
embodying the identity ofsomebody who already has that
(19:58):
success that we can truly startto do the things that we need to
do to have what we want to have.
So it's the be, do have.
Rita Suzanne (20:06):
It makes me think of what I heard somebody say is,
like you know, often peoplewill say the affirmation I am a
millionaire, right, but ourbrain says, no, you're not right
.
No, you're automatically.
No matter how many times yousay I'm a millionaire, your
brain is telling you, no, you'renot.
And so by doing something likewhat you're saying, I think that
(20:30):
it's more effective becauseyour brain is saying, oh, you
are the type of person who doesthese things, or who actually
enforces or reinforces theseparticular habits, maybe of a
millionaire or a successful,quote, unquote person.
Danielle Lee Darling (20:46):
Right, because everybody's idea of
success is their own, right, andit's your brain is a really
great detective, right, so itwill also call you out on your
BS If it feels like it's too far.
You can say something like I amthe type of person who has a
million dollar a year business.
I am the type of person whomakes money with ease.
(21:08):
Right To release a lot of thoseblocks that are preventing the
millionaire, because right nowyour brain's like there's no way
that you're ever going to be amillionaire.
What are you thinking?
But if you show up as the typeof person who does have a
million dollar business, whodoes make money with ease, that
will eventually come.
So your brain will go tosupport whatever you tell it.
(21:31):
So we can choose to tell itsomething negative and create a
shame spiral, or we can chooseto tell ourselves something that
is affirmational andaspirational to the life that we
want to create.
Rita Suzanne (21:43):
Yeah, I always tell my kids your brain is so
powerful, so stop saying thesenegative things, stop telling it
these these bad things.
So if somebody is let's saythat they are struggling with
something.
It is really hard for someoneto get out of that negative
spiral.
What are some things that youwould recommend that they do in
(22:04):
order to maybe stop thatnegative thought process?
Because, right, the negativejust continues to attract more
negative.
Danielle Lee Darling (22:14):
Yeah, that's why I call the framework
stop first of all because it'seasy to remember.
You just want to stop.
Stop, right.
So here's one thing I want youto understand it can sometimes
be hard to build thisself-awareness.
So what I have my clients do isI have them tap into their body
, because normally when we feelthings like shame and fear,
(22:36):
we'll have a more physiologicalresponse before we register oh,
that's what that is in the brain.
So the physical manifestationof shame is hiding.
So I had a couple of friends.
I had this one friend who wasfeeling a lot of shame about
some things that were happeningin her life and she pulled back
from our friendship circle andshe kind of siloed herself and I
(22:57):
called her out on it.
Like that's not what you needto do when you.
You need support when we feelshame, right?
So when you're feeling shame,you can.
Then you're like I said, yourbrain goes to work to support
you.
So what will happen is that yousay, oh, I'm not enough, I suck.
And your brain's like, oh, yeah, remember the time you sucked
this time and you suck this timeand you suck this time all the
(23:20):
way back to fourth grade whensnarky Susie had a bad feeling
about your haircut and didn'tlet you sit with your friends at
lunch Like it will bring upeverything and that only
accumulates more of the shame.
So, as I mentioned, theself-awareness is so key and
then using something like a tool, like the stop framework, to
move ourselves out of thatemotion back into our powerful
(23:43):
truth.
We never want to take action onour lives from a place of shame
, fear that will move us in theopposite direction of our goals,
by always taking a step forwardfrom our powerful truth.
That's what's going to get usmoving forward in the right
direction.
Rita Suzanne (23:59):
Love it.
It's going to get us movingforward in the right direction.
Love it.
So it's interesting that youbring up the isolation and and
those things, because one of thereasons why I started this
podcast was because I was goingthrough a traumatic event in my
life and so I had isolatedmyself so much and I said, you
(24:22):
know, I really need tounderstand how other moms are
able to run their business,raise their family and, like,
actually take care of themselves, because I was not taking care
of myself very well, and so oneaspect that I love to talk about
is how are you taking care ofyourself?
(24:44):
Because I want moms to rememberto take care of themselves and
I love to hear how other momsare doing it, because there's
different ways, right, and somaybe by hearing how somebody
else is doing it, even if it'sjust a little thing that they're
doing, it might spark.
Somebody else is doing it, evenif it's just a little thing
that they're doing, it mightspark somebody else to actually
take care of themselves better.
Danielle Lee Darling (25:06):
So one of my favorite quotes is by Lisa
Nichols.
It's a and I'm going to butcherit, but it's like you get to
drink from my saucer.
It's the idea that you filledyour cup to overflowing so that
the people around you aredrinking from your overflow, are
getting your overflow.
And when I was a young mom, Ididn't expect that.
I didn't understand that at all.
I had a lot of expectationsfrom now.
(25:28):
My now ex-husband and I put alot of pressure on myself to
sacrifice my health, my mentalhealth, in order to make sure
that I was doing everythingperfectly.
Yeah, so bringing awarenessaround those expectations.
(25:50):
I notice a lot from my taglinesfor my businesses.
I help people pleasers andperfectionists stop shooting on
themselves so they can create alife that they love.
Because when we use the wordsshould, it elicits the feeling
of shame, because it means thatwe are not meeting some type of
expectation right.
So I took should out of myvocabulary.
(26:13):
It slips in every once in awhile, but especially when I'm
talking to my kids.
I'm like you should, like oh,shoot, Um, but it really is such
a powerful word to remove fromyour vocabulary and instead say
I feel most aligned when I amthe type of person who and the
other things that I do formental health and self-care.
(26:35):
Obviously, with my Thetahealing practice, I'm in
meditation a lot of hours of theday, which is so fun because
it's really, really great foryour mental health and just
bringing that awareness inside.
I am the type of person, as Isaid earlier, that goes to the
gym three to five days a week.
Moving my body, I know, has madea huge difference in my mental
(26:58):
health.
And then also, too, I thinkother foundational thing is that
I have an incredible network ofwomen around me.
When I was starting to feelunhappy in my marriage, coming
out of COVID, realizing that Ineeded to make a change, I
decided that I wanted tosurround myself with
(27:18):
growth-oriented women who weregoing to challenge me and who
were going to support me,because I knew life was going to
change and I knew that I wantedto do more, be more in my life
and create a business.
And so now all of my friendsare amazing female entrepreneurs
that cheer each other on and Ileaned into their friendships
(27:38):
when I was going through mytransition in life and because
of that, I feel like I'mmentally healthier and stronger.
So when you are feeling shame,understanding that whole concept
around shame and how we pullback.
Lean in to the people that loveyou when you are struggling,
(28:00):
because they want to be therefor you.
Rita Suzanne (28:04):
But oftentimes women have a hard time asking
for help.
Oh yeah, oh yeah, that's awhole.
That's a whole other podcastepisode.
So I do want to touch back justreally briefly for my moms who
have tried meditation, who maybestruggle with meditation
because their attention spanmaybe gets lost, and so do you
(28:28):
have any tips with meditation?
And those who say I can't do itbecause I get distracted too
easily.
Danielle Lee Darling (28:36):
The thing that changed things for me with
meditation is the changing myapproach right.
As women especially if there'sanybody resonating with being a
people pleaser or perfectionistwe always want to do things
right, do things the right way.
Meditation is a practice,that's all it is.
There's no wrong way to do it.
(28:57):
So just by spending, I get thatnotification on my Apple watch
all the time.
It says take a minute toyourself.
That's all you need.
It's just taking a minute toclose your eyes, notice the
sensations in your body, noticethe thoughts that are happening
in your head.
It's just about bringingawareness inside and it's not
about doing anythingspecifically perfectly.
(29:19):
Of course, in Theta Healing wehave a result that we're looking
for and that is facilitated byme.
You don't need to do a lot ofwork, but when you're in your
own meditative practice,approach it as a practice.
Release the expectations or theshoulds around meditation and
you'll find more ease with itbecause you won't be trying to
(29:42):
hold on to this expectation ofdoing it right.
Rita Suzanne (29:45):
Love it.
So where are you online?
Where can others connect withyou?
Danielle Lee Darling (29:51):
You can find me on all social media
outlets at Danielle Lee Darling,and that's Darling as in, isn't
she darling, not Darlene?
It's my great-grandfather'slast name and my middle name,
and then, of course, my websiteis danielleedarlenecom.
You can reach me there and getthat stop workbook freebie.
Rita Suzanne (30:10):
Love it.
Thank you so much.
It's been such a pleasurechatting with you.
Danielle Lee Darling (30:14):
You too, Rita.
Thank you so much for theopportunity.
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