How to Find Yourself (Again) Ft. Monica Style Muse

Hey Ma!  We had a candid conversation with our special guest, beauty influencer, Monica Style Muse. We talk about grief and loss, relationships and confrontation as well as motherhood and self-image.

We are talking to Monica about:

• Embracing her postpartum body to regaining confidence in herself. 
• Changes in our identities 
• The challenges of finding personal space
• The loss of her mother
• Managing grief as a new mother
• Her journey to becoming an influencer
• What makes her fiancé the one for her.

Send us a text

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 2 (00:00):
I'm so inspired by moms killing it.

Speaker 1 (00:03):
Like, I feel like.

Speaker 2 (00:04):
I just got into motherhood and just to see
mothers been doing it and doingit still.

Speaker 3 (00:08):
I'm like it don't stop.
I'm so excited.
What's up, hey mom, what's up.

Speaker 1 (00:15):
Hey mom, what's up?
Hey mom, what's up.
Hey mom, welcome to Moms.
Actually, I'm Blair and I'mMorgan Moms.
Actually, I'm Blair and I'mMorgan and this is our special
guest, monica Style Muse.

Speaker 3 (00:33):
Hello, I'm so excited to be here.

Speaker 2 (00:34):
We're excited to have you.
Thank you so much for coming onthe couch with us and hanging
out with us.
We're already friends.
We're besties.
Yeah, we're besties.

Speaker 1 (00:37):
Listen, it happened in like two minutes.
Just two Back with me, so bragon yourself a little bit.
Yes, you know, I think theyknow who you are.

Speaker 2 (00:47):
But just in case for the two people that don't Just
two.
They're so sweet, okay.
So for those who don't know, myname is Monica Stalemuse.
I am a digital influencer.
I've been in the game for quitesome time, so they say you know
I'm like it's been 10 years,but I'm your favorita, morenita.
You know I'm from Brooklyn butI'm currently in Los Angeles.
A lot of people don't know thatabout me and it's okay, because

(01:07):
my son now is from the ValleyChild, so we don't take it, it's
okay, but I do all thingsbeauty, lifestyle I like to say
yo hago lo que a mí me da lagana.
you know, I do whatever I want.

Speaker 3 (01:17):
I love when you do that.

Speaker 2 (01:25):
But in any space I'm in, whether it's beauty, whether
it's fashion, whether it'smommyhood, and I'm just here to
just share my a little piece ofmyself that maybe you may not
know so much.
So thank you for having me.

Speaker 1 (01:31):
Of course you guys are going to love her.
This conversation is about tobe so good so real.
You guys are going to relate toit, but I need you guys to do
something for me first.
What are you supposed to do?
Subscribe, yes, subscribe rightnow we're going to give you
five seconds to press the redbutton.
We waiting, okay, yes, so let'sget into it.

(01:55):
You want to tell her about ourlittle game?
Okay, so it's Giving.

Speaker 3 (01:58):
Motherhood is our little game okay, all right.
And so we take these paddles.
This is what this is here for,and the gold means yes, or it's
the first option.
The white means no, or it'syour second option.
And the first answer is alwaysthe right answer.

Speaker 1 (02:12):
So don't think too hard about it, just give us the
real.
I trust y'all, so we're goingto ask you a question.

Speaker 3 (02:16):
I will start.
Did you experience beingtouched out after having your
baby?
What's touched out?

Speaker 1 (02:26):
So like you're cooking and your man come up
beside you like, and you're like, oh, I don't like that.

Speaker 3 (02:28):
And he's like, ooh, because you have your baby and
your baby's always with you.
No, touch me.
Okay, she said touch me.

Speaker 2 (02:36):
And the hormones didn't.

Speaker 1 (02:37):
Listen it was on fire .

Speaker 2 (02:41):
I was like do not, Can we break it again.
They got out of seats there.

Speaker 3 (02:45):
She was like wink, so we couldn't do nothing.
You know what I'm saying yes,well, I was, I was like I love.
Now, oh man.

Speaker 1 (02:53):
And it wasn't on purpose.
I didn't even know what it was.
I felt so bad.
He'd be like you know.

Speaker 2 (02:58):
he'd walk behind me like a little puppy, dog, dog
like oh, and I'm like it's notpersonal, I just not right now.
I feel like that when I have myperiod, like don't touch me.
While I have my period, like myboobs, oh my, do not touch me,
okay, that's, that's.
Or when I'm doing chores, likedon't, don't bother me when I'm
doing chores, because I'm notthere with you.
I'm cleaning, I have a randomquestion.

Speaker 1 (03:17):
Oh, let's just talk about getting our boobs done.
I really liked being touched onthe boobs before I had my
breasts.
I hated it afterwards.

Speaker 2 (03:26):
I agree it changed for you too, Because it's like I
know what.
We're so honest with each otherand I know he knows there's
milk in here.
Still, I don't know, Like Idon't know, Like I don't know, I
feel like a part of me feltlike this is like like I'm a mom
, and then it became like I wentfrom like boobs to milk
sometimes.

Speaker 3 (03:47):
It was hard.

Speaker 2 (03:49):
Yeah, like it was weird, I don't know.
I agree.

Speaker 3 (03:52):
I'm so glad I'm not pulling one up.

Speaker 1 (03:53):
I'm like yeah, don't touch.
It's kind of weird.
No, I agree, okay, okay.
Has being a mom given you moreconfidence in your body?

Speaker 3 (04:02):
Baby, I'll say yes now, yes, yes, yes, because I'm
like oh, I really did that.
Yes, like I did that.

Speaker 1 (04:12):
Oh you're like confident in, like oh my body's
really cool and what it can do,yeah like my body.

Speaker 3 (04:17):
And then I also like not only is it cool that it can
do this, but like I look good,ooh, and you do.

Speaker 2 (04:26):
Thank you do this, but like I look good, oh, and
you do, thank you, okay.
Have you seen her?
Like these women are incrediblylike stunning.
I came in here I said, oh mygosh, I'm so glad.
Like.
I was really like blown away,not that I had any less
expectations, but I was just soblown away by how everything is
set up and, just like I'm soinspired by mom's killing it
like I feel like I just got intomotherhood and just to see
mothers been doing it and doingit still, I'm like it don't stop

(04:48):
.
I'm so excited.
No, motherhood made me feellike y'all gonna see this fupa,
y'all gonna see this gut.
I'm not even, but the thing is,I feel like I've been more
transparent.

Speaker 1 (04:57):
Like I'll tell my audience.

Speaker 2 (04:58):
I'm wearing a faja today.
I'm not wearing a five today.
That hurt okay, like my.
That is not gonna work, but Ijust feel like I made a whole
child.

Speaker 1 (05:06):
But I appreciate it because I get so sad when I see
people who have recently hadtheir babies and they're trying
to show their snap back oh yeah,that's good.
I'm just like I feel so sadthat that's the expectation.
I'm like your cervix is swollenit's not even about being fat,
especially like right after youhave it yeah, like your cervix
is swollen.

Speaker 3 (05:23):
so if you right after you have a baby Like your,
cervix is swollen, your insides,so if you're showing me, you
have a flat stomach afterwardslike what?

Speaker 2 (05:29):
did like that's not it does something weird to.
I feel like a lot of moms thesedays feel like I have to look
like this immediately after youget those um legging pictures
about like three days after thebaby, I'm like, or even like in
my culture, they had me wrappedthe next day.
I was like in, like.

Speaker 1 (05:46):
My mom was like they're trying to get those abs
together.

Speaker 2 (05:47):
I said who's wearing this and I'm breastfeeding.
You're like I can't breathe.
No, no, no, no, no, it's toomuch.
It's too much, yes.

Speaker 3 (05:54):
Okay, so have you found yourself comparing
yourself to other moms?
Yes, yeah, I yes, yeah, I thinksubconsciously I do.

Speaker 2 (06:06):
Yeah, like not on purpose, yes, but then I'm like
get out of there, yeah, kind ofyou have to talk to yourself,
and more so like I'm not, moreso like I want that, more so
like how are you doing?

Speaker 1 (06:12):
oh yeah, and I feel like I'd be like dang.

Speaker 2 (06:14):
How are you doing all of this?
How do you look like this girl?
Spill the beans.
That's why I think theseconversations are so important
to have, because I don't thinkpeople like I'm sure people look
at me like girl.
How are you doing?

Speaker 3 (06:24):
it.

Speaker 2 (06:24):
But I'm looking at people at like girl how you look
like that and you got all thesekids and then, like, you got a
job and you were from home andyou a mom, like, and you a wife
like, how are you doing it?
So, it'd be that.
But other than that, I'm likeno, it's okay, like.

Speaker 1 (06:45):
I don't want that, Because I'm like how, Like how,
and then of course, thePinterest moms, because it's
like I want to, I want, but Iwant to.

Speaker 2 (06:51):
I want, but I want to .
Yeah, no, it's true, it's true.
And then I also have toremember their age, like a lot
of the girls who are havingbabies now, who I, for me, when
you're younger.

Speaker 3 (07:01):
And it snaps back really nice with the first child
oh.

Speaker 1 (07:04):
Yeah, so Leigh was kind to you.

Speaker 3 (07:07):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (07:08):
Like after Leila oh my goodness you would've.

Speaker 3 (07:11):
Oh it was great, I still had abs, all the things.

Speaker 1 (07:14):
So after Zoe you were like I'm coming right back.

Speaker 3 (07:18):
Zoe came for war.
Yes, I'm coming in this.
What's her sign?
She's a Gemini.

Speaker 2 (07:24):
Oh, okay.
So she said I'm going to bringa little spice, yes, Color to
your life.
Both of them truly.

Speaker 3 (07:30):
And you know, your body also knows when you're like
what to do on the second andthird child.
Oh wow, your body immediately,like I was showing.

Speaker 1 (07:37):
Oh yeah, you showed earlier the second child, so be
prepared for that.

Speaker 2 (07:40):
Yeah, I was I was.
I felt like I showed so quick.
I don't know if it was becausemy torso was short.
Well then, you're going to showup like this the next day?
Yeah, there's going to be noconfusion next time.

Speaker 1 (07:49):
Thank God, my husband always jokes.

Speaker 3 (07:51):
He's like literally you took the pregnancy test,
told me that you were pregnantand the next day you had a belly
.
Literally he's oh my gosh.

Speaker 2 (08:01):
I couldn't wait for my belly.
I remember we were pregnant inMiami and I didn't tell nobody.
It was my birthday and Iremember people came up to me
and they were so sweet.
So shout out If y'all want tothank y'all for not telling
nobody, because I was throwingit back on John and I was.
You could see the whole belly,but it's that in-between of,
like she don't look pregnant andshe's fat.
She so annoyed you didn't knowwhat to wear.

(08:21):
Literally it was so stressful,but it was fun.
It was fun.

Speaker 1 (08:24):
So next question Okay , do you keep your goals private
?

Speaker 3 (08:31):
I don't.

Speaker 2 (08:32):
I feel like, no, no, y'all can't take what's aligned
for me, like if God has this setup for me.
I don't even know how I gothere.
I'd be like I'm just fromBrooklyn and I just came on here
right after I got laid off.
I was on unemployment for ayear.
You have to go and get checkedin and like make sure you was

(08:53):
looking for a job.
You got to go to like thelittle workshop.
Yeah, Like have you been lookingfor a job and you show them
this little chart, I was like Ican't get a job.
I remember that during COVID,I've been looking at $300 a week
and then a year came up I saidy'all, I ain't got a job Like I
need money.
And I moved here on a whim.

Speaker 1 (09:08):
So you're like I have no job and I have no money, I'm
going to move to LA.
Yeah, that's the goal.

Speaker 2 (09:19):
Yeah, I mean, I came out here by the grace of God.
We were together for five yearsand I was like, can we just go
look at apartments, Like let'sjust manifest?
He goes, Monica, I don't trustyou.

Speaker 1 (09:27):
But I had no money, so I really was like just
looking.
But he must have trusted you.

Speaker 2 (09:31):
And I gave him a two weeks.
I called my mom.
I said, mom, can we find aplace?
Do I have your blessing to move?
She goes how quick.
I said me tell you something.
I'm not about to hold back mydreams for a boyfriend like I

(09:51):
love you, but we ain't got noties.
We like five years of a job.
Yeah, he did, and he was asmart man.
We were in a long-distancerelationship for six months and
I, we, we did the whole thingand he loves it.
He actually cannot see himselfliving anywhere else wow so I'm
just very appreciative andgrateful, because sometimes you
hear about the woman chasing theguy but, mom.
If he wants to, he will okay,so I'm very grateful that he did

(10:14):
that, because I had, I was offdelusion, I had nothing like
that and he followed me.

Speaker 3 (10:18):
He's crazy so you literally like, when you came to
LA, you weren't sure what youwere gonna do, but you just were
like, like I had a managementand I had deals but nothing to
be full-time like that's insane.

Speaker 2 (10:29):
Like I was a executive assistant at a
publishing company for a whileand then I got laid off.
So for me I'm like, I'm notused to like what is this world?
Yeah, years ago, what?

Speaker 3 (10:39):
was, it was very.

Speaker 2 (10:40):
Yeah, it was like maybe just a few of us, and if
you were doing well, you had tobe doing well to be full time,
so for me.
I just really said God, youtake the wheel, and lights have
been on since you know.

Speaker 1 (10:52):
So I'm just very grateful.
It's always been going.

Speaker 2 (10:55):
I mean, I'm sitting here with y'all.

Speaker 3 (10:56):
So I feel like I'm in the right direction.
You are, that's so question.
Okay, big wedding at home ordestination wedding?

Speaker 2 (11:07):
I literally just had this conversation with my fiance
.
I said I don't want toentertain grown folks no more.
I would literally just want tobuy my house and do it in the
backyard and he's destination,because we have such a big
family.
So, I'm like he's destination.

Speaker 1 (11:22):
I'm like I would rather do this, so I don't
really know.

Speaker 2 (11:26):
Let's convince him, please.

Speaker 1 (11:28):
It's just so when you decide to get married, you're
like you said you're planning anevent for everybody else on
your day.
It's my day.
Why do I have to worry aboutyou getting good food and?
Free drinks like it doesn'tmake any sense.
I agree, I don't want toentertain.

Speaker 2 (11:43):
Grown folks are my dime, oh my dime, and then you
might not even show up, yeah, sothen I'm mad, I'm losing
friends along the way, oh,people don't.

Speaker 1 (11:50):
Yeah, oh, you always lose friends.
You always lose friends aroundthe way.
Everybody loses a friend.

Speaker 2 (11:58):
Yeah, during this time a whole ordeal.
It was horrible, though, thankyou, it was literally it felt
like a wedding, Like we woke upat 5 am.
It looked like a wedding, I'mlike thank goodness, because I
was able to kind of like get alittle sneak peek to what it
could be at a wedding.
At a wedding I said absolutelynot, like I don't want to have
to worry about everybody else'sglam.
Yeah, I just like to just worryabout myself.

Speaker 1 (12:21):
All that matters is the photos and the video.
Anyway, at the end of the day,I agree.

Speaker 2 (12:24):
I agree.
So hopefully, john, you seethis and we just do it in our
big house, a small wedding inour big house.

Speaker 3 (12:32):
Yes, I would love that that's so cute.

Speaker 2 (12:34):
And put that wedding money into our children's future
.
Hello.

Speaker 1 (12:38):
There you go Kids at wedding or kid free wedding.
My kid will be at my wedding,so I don't know what about
everybody else's kid.
Are they allowed?

Speaker 2 (12:45):
I feel like sure, like what am I supposed to tell
my best friend?
Like she can't bring her kid,like I'm going to bring my kid,
like I don't know, so I'm goingto do like a.

Speaker 3 (12:53):
I'm going to do this Right, Because kids at the
ceremony.

Speaker 1 (12:56):
And then but don't you want to get laid at the
reception.

Speaker 2 (13:01):
You got to worry about it.
That's what I'm saying.
Every old kid gets laid at theceremony, the ceremony.

Speaker 3 (13:06):
Don't break the case, and then at the reception y'all
got to go.

Speaker 2 (13:08):
Yes, I agree, I agree , I like that concept Because.

Speaker 3 (13:11):
I want my.
My daughter was at our little,our.
Thing.

Speaker 1 (13:15):
We didn't have a know .

Speaker 2 (13:16):
I think the ceremony may be no kids and like bring
them to the party if there'slike a little section for them,
but sure oh that's nice, so youwould even let the kids be at
the party.
Yeah, because my family.
Look, we Dominicans turn upwith children?

Speaker 3 (13:38):
no children.

Speaker 2 (13:40):
The kids could be at the function.

Speaker 1 (13:41):
Okay, y'all start drinking coffee around like
three years old.
Oh yeah, yeah, I'm a coffeedrinker, like I drink coffee.

Speaker 2 (13:47):
My veins are filled with coffee For sure.
Okay, but no, I agree, I agree.

Speaker 3 (13:52):
Okay, are you team full glam or the no makeup
makeup look.

Speaker 2 (13:57):
Dang.
It's also just because it'slike.

Speaker 3 (13:58):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (14:05):
Depends on the day.
Depends on the day, like Mondaythrough Friday.
If I'm not going out no makeup,we're not wearing no makeup,
but if we stepping out, fullglam.

Speaker 1 (14:08):
You say you going Full glam, we going to do it, we
going to do it Absolutely.

Speaker 2 (14:10):
There's no in between with me.
There's not like a oh, she'skind of it's either you look, so
you're full.
You're going to get full glamLike.
I'm not going to give you atinted moisturizer unless she's
going to be a full coverage.

Speaker 3 (14:25):
Okay let's keep it a box.
What's your favorite?
Full coverage tintedmoisturizer.

Speaker 2 (14:32):
Oh my God.
Why am I Alicia Keys brand?
Where am I Keys?
Oh my God.

Speaker 1 (14:36):
Wait, so she wears makeup.

Speaker 2 (14:38):
Listen, but it's like a tinted.

Speaker 1 (14:40):
It's like a concealer .

Speaker 2 (14:41):
It's like an all-in-one concealer and it has,
like the biggest doe foot.
Oh my God, can I tell you it'sso fire on the skin Really.
So she dry-snitched on herself.
I don't know, it's like a goodserum.

Speaker 3 (14:51):
It really gets my skin.
I thought she just had likeskin care.

Speaker 1 (14:53):
I didn't know she had the tinted one oh there's a
whole makeup collection so she'slike I'm not wearing makeup
because I don't have eyeshadowon.
Yeah, Maybe she's not beingspecific.

Speaker 2 (15:06):
But like there's a little bit, she does the no
makeup makeup look.
Yes, that's what they nottelling?

Speaker 1 (15:11):
y'all got it.
So last question all right,would you rather have your man
take you on a surprise shoppingtrip or a surprise meal like
date night in a date night indate night because I really
don't need my man to do like totake me anywhere like shopping,

(15:31):
because I'm, I'm gonna, we'regonna be there for a while.

Speaker 2 (15:34):
so this, this is not going to be fun, but like a date
night in, like our favoritehorror film.
I'm a horror film fan.

Speaker 1 (15:39):
Oh really.

Speaker 2 (15:42):
That's my love language.
Like cook at home, let's watcha movie, like we've been doing
that more, especially when youhave a kid.
Who's?

Speaker 3 (15:47):
into that.

Speaker 1 (15:48):
You've really got to make it.

Speaker 2 (15:49):
That's when your life starts starts yeah, oh my gosh,
and listen, you literally havejust that window.
Yeah, so okay, you got thatwindow.
So you either watch a movie, dowhat you gotta do, have you
know, netflix.
Do whatever it is you need todo because you have a window.
Hopefully they don't wake upbecause then it's over.
But yes, I watch a movie andlike lax and like talk and
gossip because, trust me, yougotta catch up.

(16:13):
Everything is going on mom, ifyou told me it's a secret, I
told my man.
I promise you.

Speaker 1 (16:17):
Well no, there's always.
I feel like if you tell anybodya secret, there's always a plus
one.

Speaker 3 (16:21):
Of course.

Speaker 1 (16:23):
Especially if someone's married or in a
relationship.
Yeah, I don't even.

Speaker 3 (16:26):
Yeah, they don't count, it's locked, we locked in
.
Okay, don't worry about it.

Speaker 1 (16:29):
Well, all right.

Speaker 3 (16:37):
So now that that is all over, this was good.

Speaker 1 (16:40):
That was a good question that was just IGL.

Speaker 2 (16:43):
I know that was just IGL.
What's up y'all Okay so?

Speaker 3 (16:46):
let's get into the conversation Now.
Of course, we know that you areknown for all things beauty and
lifestyle and things like thatbut what are some of the things
that you don't always openly getto talk about, that you wish
you could?

Speaker 2 (17:00):
I talk about it in and out and I would say mostly
mental health.
I find myself especially goingmore to beauty events.
I'm stepping out more.
Oh, you look great, yada, yada,okay, how are you doing?
I don't feel like we talkenough about that with each
other.

Speaker 1 (17:14):
We always be living for the looks, living for the
glance.

Speaker 2 (17:16):
And especially being in this industry for so long.
I'm at a point where I don'tknow if it's the mother in me,
but like I care, yeah, like itwas fun and games when we
started.
But now I'm looking at you andI'm like I'm tired.
Are you tired?
Yeah, because I know life isputting like.

(17:40):
I see you and I just want to.
Can I give you a hug?
So I've just kind of been moreso, embracing one another in our
space, or just anytime I speakto someone I want you to leave
feeling better.
I don't know why, like all of asudden, like, but like that's
like the thing that makes mefeel, I don't know.
It makes me feel good knowingthat I see, since the passing of
my mother, like, yeah, yeah,since the passing, of my mother,
that was good.
Yeah since the passing of mymother.
I'm like I'm just seeing somany people go through life and
I'm just like how are we doingthis?

(18:00):
You?
Know, and it's incredible towitness how many of us are going
through something so similar,yeah, and stepping out, showing
out, especially Black women.
Yes, the way we step out andwe're still so excellent.
Yeah, I almost thought Iwouldn't even work anymore after
that, because I thought peoplewould look at me and be saddened
by me.

Speaker 3 (18:19):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (18:19):
But I was so just, I was just so glad people didn't
feel sorry for me.
Yes, and even still.
I was like oh, you're not goingto get anything mediocre from
me.
If anything, you're going toget it even better.
Yeah, so it's been anincredible shift in my life and
I think it's been for the better.

Speaker 1 (18:33):
I was going to ask.
So you're checking on everybodyelse.
How have you been taking careof yourself since the past
million and a half years?

Speaker 2 (18:40):
Yeah, I mean, I'm very vocal at home, like we do
this thing where I say hey guys,I'm at a 70 today, like from
100.
And I'm very vocal.
I kind of.
I'm not the strong black womanin my house anymore.
I've hung that up, damn.

Speaker 1 (18:52):
Man.

Speaker 2 (18:52):
It was six months ago .

Speaker 1 (18:53):
We talk about taking capes off, yeah.
We're like if you're calling asuper mom or super woman we're
doing too much.

Speaker 2 (19:01):
I don't want to do it no more.

Speaker 1 (19:02):
The moment I hear that, I'm like well, that means
I need help, yeah.

Speaker 2 (19:05):
I don't think it's a compliment to be strong and I
hate that even in this time inmy life.
I have to be strong because youhave a child, right and but I'm
.
I look at him like gracias thatI have my son.
That has helped me navigate inthis space.
But honestly, I'm.
I'm very vocal about myemotions at home.
I tell my fiance I thinksometimes we lean on to our
partners as if they'retherapists.

(19:26):
They do not.

Speaker 1 (19:27):
They're not therapists they do not count as
your best friend in yourrelationship are.
Not.
They're not.

Speaker 2 (19:32):
Therapists are therapists yes, and you need
that.
If you do and I've been veryvocal about that at home Like,
okay, guys, I need help.
And they're so supportive, weallow each other to feel Thank
goodness, I don't have any vicesor anything.
I think the only thing that Ilean onto is like CrossFit.

Speaker 1 (19:48):
I'm like crazy.
Now, Like I'm like oh, yeah,but.
I'm just so grateful.
I wish we had a pull-up barhere.
Wait a minute.

Speaker 2 (19:55):
Wait a minute.
No, I can't do no pull-ups.
I can do a little, you know, Ican do a little something.
Yeah, yeah, she said miss me onthe pull-up.

Speaker 3 (20:04):
No, I'm just.

Speaker 2 (20:04):
I'm at home, we're vocal and I want Carter to be
able, as a black man, emotionsand be okay with saying I'm not,
I don't feel my best today, I'msad and I'm angry, and it's
okay and it's celebrated herebecause it's just.
It's just a pocket like.
I don't even think God allowedme to have postpartum depression
.
Wow, absolutely not like I don'teven know, because you wouldn't

(20:25):
have been able to like thatwould have been too much how
would I have done it, Iliterally would have lost my
mind and I never.
I know it can take, it can bein your body for some time, but
I literally never had a momentof like I'm depressed yeah,
that's even still with where I'mat.
I'm like I think I might beinsane, because I'm okay, no,
like no, and I think because nowwe talk more about depression

(20:47):
and anxiety.

Speaker 1 (20:48):
It feels like oh should I have it?
But it's like it's not.
It's not uncommon, but it'salso not common at the same time
, like yes, no matter what, youhave postpartum because there's
hormones.
But I think it doesn't have tobe associated with depression or
anxiety.

Speaker 2 (21:03):
I agree.
No, it's crazy just to put yourbody through so much trauma,
losing your mom, then being amom.
Yeah, I was getting ready toask you that.
Oh, go for it.

Speaker 3 (21:15):
Literally, it's your first child.
So it's not like this was yoursecond or third where you were
able to really, like you know,call your mom and say, mom, I
don't know what this?
Is and all so what has it beenlike?
Really like navigatingmotherhood for the first time,
while also grieving for thefirst time, while also grieving
and like trying to really, youknow, the loss of your mom you

(21:39):
know You're trying to be a momwhile also missing your mom.

Speaker 2 (21:44):
No, it's been.
It's probably.
I wouldn't wish this on myworst enemy.
I don't think I have a worstenemy, but if there was an idea
of like I had one.

Speaker 1 (21:55):
You'd, be like God, do anything to this person, but
not that like I.

Speaker 2 (21:57):
If anyone knew my relationship with my mother,
they knew like we were likewhite on rice like you couldn't,
that's very close mommy livedin new york and she would be
like I'm bored girl, I bookedyour flight.
You come tomorrow like we werejust like I would cry my mom
when she left los angeles and myfiance would come in.
Well, I'm here, I'm like it'snot the same like I'm a 30 year
old woman who wants her mom.
Um, but it happened reallyquickly for us and I just

(22:19):
believe that everything,everything, every, everything I
am yeah is because of her andjust seeing and witnessing.
You know, I've never said thisfor the first.
This is the first time I'msaying it on camera.
I haven't said it, but shepassed from stage four gastric
cancer and for me it wassomething very quick you know,
and you almost have this, um,this feeling.

(22:40):
I don't know like you just knowthat this is it.
You know we just celebrated herbeing 13 years in remission
from breast cancer.
Um, so from we could do themath September I gave birth.
Yeah, we found out she hadcancer in December.
From September to December shelost 30 pounds, right before our
eyes, and it was one of thosethings where you're like death

(23:01):
is staring at us in the face.
It was staring at us in theface and it really was a shocker
to my family.
To this day, we are still likewhat?
Like it still doesn't even feelreal, but she was fighting to
the last of her.
My mom was showering to thelast day and I always think
about.
This is a little sidetrack, buthave y'all seen from scratch?

Speaker 3 (23:23):
yeah, so you see where's the sister.

Speaker 2 (23:25):
Come, she goes, you're sick yeah, I'm like I was
thinking about.
I'm like I gotta shower everyday because mommy was showering
she didn't let the nurses, likelike, see her.
She's like like she still hadso much fight in her.
So I remember that and I sayyou getting up, you stepping out
and you're gonna honor your momany way you can.

(23:45):
So I'm very proud of how myfamily has navigated.
I thought it was about to be,uh, a shit storm child.

Speaker 1 (23:53):
I was like I don't think there's.
I'm so sorry, I just knew thatyou know.

Speaker 2 (24:01):
But I I'm a lot stronger than I think that I
thought and I didn't know thatuntil I experienced such a loss.
But my aunt has been such agreat mother to me I guess you
can say now she's been trying tofill those shoes and I reassure
her all the now she's beentrying to fill those shoes and I
reassure her all the time.
You don't have to worry aboutthose shoes, you are enough.
And just giving my family thatvalidation, because we need that

(24:23):
right now.
We just need to lean on eachother and give each other that
support because, ultimately,we're all we have.
It was just my mom, mygrandmother and my aunt.
Those were the my grandmotherand my aunt.
Those are the only three women.
Everyone else were men.
Oh, I only have a bunch ofuncles.

Speaker 1 (24:34):
Oh, yeah, that's why I'm like oh, like people be like
.

Speaker 2 (24:36):
Oh, you from Brooklyn .
I'm like, yeah, and I likefought a lot of my cousins like
we was all guy cousins like I'mlike, listen, like oh yeah,
that's why I wanted a boy.
First I was like I know how tobe around boys, yeah, but it's
been incredible.
My brother has been like welook at each other like we
should be worse.
Yeah, we should be worse andand that's the thing that I
struggle with like I'll havepockets of joy and I'm like you

(24:56):
shouldn't be too happy right now.
Like take it back.

Speaker 1 (24:58):
So I do struggle with that.

Speaker 2 (25:00):
No, I could imagine, because it's like I lost the
most important person in my life, like and I'm smiling and I'm
laughing, it's like I wasliterally on a roller coaster at
Disney World and I was like no,you shouldn't be like it, like
it'll be like the most joyfulmoment, and I'm like, bring it
back, wow.

Speaker 1 (25:14):
So I've been struggling with that where I'm
like and you know that's notwhat your mom and that's
probably why, naturally, youhave joy, because your mom
didn't instill anything but thatin you?

Speaker 2 (25:22):
Yeah, no, my mom was.

Speaker 3 (25:23):
So when you bring it back, she probably like Girl.
She's like why are you?

Speaker 2 (25:29):
doing that, be it's, it's been.
Life put hands on me and itshowed me that I am capable,
like I feel, superior like Iliterally feel like I could like
.

Speaker 3 (25:42):
I feel like.

Speaker 2 (25:43):
I'm not.
I'm not afraid of anything.
I thought birth was did anumber on me.

Speaker 3 (25:48):
Death did a number on me like we thought it was gonna
be one thing and people like isit your grandmother's?

Speaker 2 (25:54):
I was like oh, oh, nah, you have no idea.
Your girl is literally out hereand people are like, how are
you working?

Speaker 3 (26:01):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (26:02):
Depression is for me, it's easy.
I can decide to not bedepressed.
Wake up, show up for my son.
Yeah, not go to work, trickingmy brain every morning and
telling myself you have to behappy.
It's a choice for me because Iknow oh, depression is not
always a choice, so I want tomake that clear.
Sometimes, especially aftermotherhood, it's a cloud like

(26:22):
yeah, you'd be like bro, I'm notgonna.
What's going on like it's weird,yeah, but I make a choice every
morning to show up for myselfmyself first.
Yeah, so I can be the bestversion for everyone else.
What are you doing in themornings?
I have no ritual.
Okay, like I and I think thoseare the things that, because I
was just telling my cousin this,I was like I want to show more

(26:44):
of my life, but like I feel likeit has to look so curated.

Speaker 1 (26:47):
I have.
No, you got to pretend, youjust woke up, that is insane.

Speaker 3 (26:51):
How did you guys capture this Carter cry.

Speaker 2 (26:55):
I just saw a video or something like that.

Speaker 1 (26:58):
They were like the nighttime routine and they're
like wake up and then the babiescry.
They're like holding their eyesand then throw the baby.

Speaker 2 (27:04):
How are they doing that?
And that's when I comparemyself, when I'm like how are
you doing this?
Like this is not realistic,like I'm literally just going to
start, I literally wake up andmy house is flipped.
I'm cleaning, carter's takingthings out the playpen, he's
throwing every ball.
You just need to move to TikTok, tiktok like all the time.

Speaker 3 (27:21):
Yeah, that's what I'm like.

Speaker 2 (27:23):
I have no routine.
I'm always late, I'm rushing,I'm like.
Sometimes I'm like did I put ondeodorant?
Oh my gosh, did I brush myteeth?
It would be like 3 o'clock inthe afternoon.
Did Carter eat Like I'd be likewhoa.

Speaker 1 (27:34):
It's insane, yeah, like you've got to feed someone
three times a day minimum.
That was the biggest change forme, and he's horny.

Speaker 2 (27:44):
I don't eat three times a day, who are you telling
?

Speaker 1 (27:46):
And then you've got to eat healthy.

Speaker 2 (27:47):
That's what I'm saying Like now.
It's like so much informationoverload.
Yes, yes, that I'm like shouldI not give him this stuff?
But Carter's chilling.
That little boy is so excited.
He's all right.
He's all okay.
We were not on.
No, you know organic formula.

Speaker 1 (28:02):
No, no, they'll be fine, because somehow we exist
and look we're here and I shouldnot Doing fantastic.

Speaker 2 (28:08):
We're doing fantastic .

Speaker 3 (28:08):
So we're going to be okay.

Speaker 1 (28:11):
Yep.
So you said mental health is,you know, very important to you.
You talk about it a lot, it'sone of your like things that you
care about.
But did you grow up focused onmental health?
Because you know Black familiesI'll go as far to say like,
even Afro-Latina, like it's justnot a cultural thing, yeah.
So how did this become a thingfor you?

Speaker 2 (28:29):
Yeah, I would say just communicating within, like
with my brother, with my cousin,especially being— Especially
around men.
Yeah, it's like you know, likefor me, I just always felt—I'm
the oldest.
So that was like my fear washaving a daughter and having her
be the oldest.
So that was honestly one of thefirst things I was like God
don't have me have a girlfriend.
I mean, if you want me to havea girlfriend, but I just didn't

(28:50):
the pressure that comes withbeing the oldest woman in your
house.

Speaker 3 (28:53):
Yeah, that's a lot.

Speaker 2 (28:54):
It's too heavy.

Speaker 1 (28:56):
I'm like, I'm so sorry.

Speaker 2 (28:58):
I feel so bad for us.
It's awful sometimes we have tobe the solution for so many
things I want, carter, that'syour job now.
I'm so sorry, but it's just Iwould say no, you get over it.

Speaker 1 (29:15):
And I also grew up where you just fought.

Speaker 2 (29:18):
You had to post up on that face in that moment.
You just fought with yourcousins and you was like and
then we good the next day.
But that is not the way to beout here.
You have to learn how toexpress yourself, especially
when you get older.
And I think sometimes peopleare used to just that dynamic of
being non-confrontational.
Yes, I love confrontation.

Speaker 3 (29:34):
I am confrontation.
You're like, let's talk aboutit.
I would love to.
I'm non-.

Speaker 1 (29:38):
So as an only child, non-confrontational I've never
been in a fight I was going tosay you said fighting's not the
way I actually think strangersoh God no.
But I actually think it wouldbe healthy and good because I
think it makes you less fearfulof if it does happen.
If it does happen, like my kids, when they fight it takes
everything because it's annoying.

Speaker 3 (29:58):
But I let them argue because I'm like they got to
figure it out If someone'salways jumping in like what's
that going to?

Speaker 1 (30:04):
do, but I didn't have .
I mean, I didn't have anybodyto have confrontation with yeah.
So I think it's a veryimportant skill to grow up.

Speaker 2 (30:11):
I agree, no, I agree, Especially for a woman.
Oh listen, my fiance is theonly child and we are the
complete opposite.
Yeah, I'll be like what Callhim and he'll be like no, and
he'll be like Monica, it's notthat deep.
Oh, he loves it.
It is that deep.

Speaker 1 (30:25):
It's deep to me, so I'm literally the spice.

Speaker 2 (30:27):
That's my husband.

Speaker 1 (30:29):
I don't tell him certain things, because I just
know, yes, I'm like this isn'teven a problem.

Speaker 3 (30:34):
He's like oh, no, there have been plenty of times,
because you know, with us twowe're so opposites.

Speaker 1 (30:39):
I'm like no, Blair.

Speaker 3 (30:40):
We need to talk about this right now.
We need to call them right now.
There's been days I'm like.

Speaker 2 (30:47):
I think that there's a like miscommunication is so
big, especially in, like blackcommunities, you be thinking
like it's a big thing.
Just talk about it.
I'm sure we just read somethingwrong.
It was sent in a text message.
I put it in my mind.
No, that's why I like to talkit out.

Speaker 3 (31:02):
So you can hear my tone, hear the way.

Speaker 1 (31:04):
I'm saying it.
Oh, a voice note.
I love a good voice note.
I love a good voice.
Confrontation's not a negativeword.
I think we put context on words.
That doesn't belong, I agree.

Speaker 2 (31:13):
I agree, confrontation is great.
I love getting down Like I'vemade better friends with
confrontation, like girl.
No, I was just saying I wasgoing to do this.
Be like oh, wow.
And I thought you were sayingthat.

Speaker 1 (31:23):
And then we move on Like glad we talked about that,
thank goodness, becauseotherwise I would no, no, and
the other person is not eventhinking about it like, oh, you
took it.
No, I didn't even know what.
Why?

Speaker 2 (31:34):
are you so angry?
Listen, especially me now withmother, I ain't got time like if
you take me out my house withmy kid I'm an aquarius like I
just go with the flow but if youtake me on my float, there's
something that happens to me.
Yeah, it's like a little tip,something happens to me.
Oh, my gosh, you know, but I Ipride myself in getting down to.
Let's get down to it.

Speaker 1 (31:53):
Like I don't want to.

Speaker 2 (31:54):
I don't.
Life is too short and I hate tohave to always say that, but
like literally it's short, it'snot that deep and you got kids,
so you got even less time now Ifyour kids are not in danger.
Your food is there's food inyour house?
Yeah, rent is paid.
Yeah, I love you.
You sleep with my man.
It's crazy, I love you, there'snothing we can't move from.
Like we good, I love you.

Speaker 3 (32:15):
Like she's like wait, one more thing, one more thing,
don't you sleep with my man, Ilove you.
There's nothing Speaking of yourman, your man, your man, mommy,
oh, she's tummy.
No, once you put a kid in youknow a relationship things

(32:38):
change, the dynamic changes.
You got to figure out newthings, new ways and how to
really like prioritize yourrelationship.
And then you guys got engagedat your baby shower.
Yes, so walk us through that alittle bit about just, you know,
first-time motherhood, but alsoreally just doing the
relationship thing.

(32:58):
How's the dynamic?

Speaker 2 (32:59):
What's that?
What is that?
It's rough.
I mean, when we had thoselittle doula classes, they told
us you're going in as a couplebut you're leaving as parents,
so you leave as parents and thenthree months later you're now
planning a funeral.
But now we also were trying toplan a wedding.
So it was life handled.

(33:20):
It was so many highs and theworst of lows and I really am so
grateful for the way he'shandled me.
Yeah, and I don't want to sayhandle like, because I don't
even care like I'm very fragileand he is an only child who
wasn't used to communicating hisemotions or asking if you're
okay, or, and he has just beenso gentle with me and I'm just

(33:43):
so grateful because I'm notalways gonna be.
I'm not.
My sad doesn't look sad.
Sometimes my sad looks angryyou know, and and, and I and I
don't know how to say it attimes and he can see it for me.
So I'm just very grateful forthat.
We've been implementingcalendars.
We have a whole calendar in thefridge.
We have to be on each other'scalendars on our phones.
It's not a chore but it has tobe done.

(34:06):
My OBG said that out of the100% of her partners who come to
her office, only 5% last.
Ooh, 5%.
So you know, we make it a thingto book hotels y'all.
Yeah, we have to take tripsaway, you know, without our
little man we love him, but nowhaving my aunt live with us and
she's been able to like give usthat She'll be like go be with

(34:27):
your man.
Yes, I'll be like, okay, likeyour man.
Yes, I'd be like, okay, like,okay, like.
But then it's like, it's weird.
I don't know if you guys relate, because it's like you have
this moment with your man andyou know this is the moment.

Speaker 1 (34:35):
So it's like you're not doing no foreplay you like,
you like, it's like, it's likeweird because you know you have
it's like you.

Speaker 2 (34:42):
That's why I'm so about yeah, if you're gonna have
a child, if you ever have thethe I guess I want to say the
luck, because men change onceyou have a child.
Definitely don't go into itthat you want this for yourself
the way your body goes throughso much it don't matter what my
man says.
He could say I look good If Ifeel like crap, it does not

(35:02):
matter, it does not matter.
So love what you're about to dofor yourself, and if this
bringing a child because with myman I was just like.
I was so grateful that he lovedme through it all it's ugly
right now it's ugly, in thesense of we're going through so
many emotions, but he we're likein it and that's marriage for

(35:22):
me, because we've been togetherfor, I think, 13 years, A long
time.

Speaker 1 (35:25):
It's a partnership.
It's a partnership Like peoplewant the butterflies and all
that stuff.
That's not just the love part.
That's not going to sustain you80 years from now.

Speaker 2 (35:33):
Sustain yeah, and people were giving us a lot of
crap about oh, you guys gotengaged while you were pregnant.
We didn't know we was trying toget pregnant.
Let's be clear, okay, I didn'thear it here first we wasn't
trying to get pregnant.
I was living my best life.

Speaker 3 (35:45):
I just got my boobs done.
These were not mommy boobs.
Yes.

Speaker 2 (35:50):
Okay, so I just want people to know, like it's not
about the time.
I think a lot of social mediamakes me like, ooh, five years
and you got.
If I would have married John atfive years, we would have not
been together.
There was no way, because who Iam now at 31,?
That is no I needed.
I still don't know my man.

Speaker 1 (36:10):
I still don't know that man, especially as a father
.
So it's like take your time.

Speaker 2 (36:12):
I didn't care about the ring For me, I didn't care
about the ring.
I said I want a life partner.

Speaker 3 (36:17):
I love that.

Speaker 2 (36:19):
Who's going to thug it out with me?
Okay, Because there's going tobe one day that I'm going to
need to thug it out with him,and that's what it's about.
It's not about you got fiveyears to put a.

Speaker 1 (36:27):
You sound like you're going to be engaged for the
next 20 years.
Listen.

Speaker 2 (36:30):
I'm really not pressed Because.
I want a house first.
I want my son's Roth accountlooking cute.
Okay, I want my retirementlooking cute.
I'm not really pressed toimpress adults.

Speaker 3 (36:42):
Oh, I'm not pressed.
Say it again, I'm not pressedthat part.

Speaker 1 (36:45):
That really unlocks something in me Once I realize,
like everybody I always say, Icare about what people think,
like I think, like it crosses mymind, but then I'm like they're
not paying my bills.
They're not home with me, Likeafter this moment, it doesn't
matter.

Speaker 3 (36:59):
And that really freed me because I was in my head a
lot before all of that.

Speaker 1 (37:04):
And then one day I just realized, like it really
don't matter.
It doesn't, and that's when Iopened up a lot, because I'm
like who cares what they say?

Speaker 3 (37:11):
It's a great way to live just all across the board
with just following your journeyand walking tall in it, because
that's how I like once I Ithink it was 2021.
I was like, why am I caring somuch about certain things?
Like I can go after the thing Ican.
You know, I don't have to be onanybody's time clock, I don't

(37:33):
have to.
You know, do the thing thatpeople think I'm supposed to be
doing.
like I agree, I'm in my journeyand that's that's it, that's
fine, and I think that that'ssomething really, really
encouraging to all the moms outthere that are, or even because
we have the aunties too but youknow because I think with the
time clock they're so we have somany aunties.
They're like when, like well,I'm supposed to get married
first, or I'm supposed to havethese kids, and when am I

(37:55):
supposed to do it?
You're supposed to do it whenyou are supposed to do it.
Yes absolutely.

Speaker 2 (37:59):
We need aunties, okay , and I do believe that just
because you're a woman, youdon't have to bring life into
this world.
You're not supposed to be a momjust because you're a woman.
That's very important.

Speaker 1 (38:09):
If you do not think you want kids don't have them,
and when somebody asks you,especially if you're married or
in a long-term relationship,when are you having kids?
Make it weird, Like make itreal uncomfortable.
Like we've, been trying for thelast year and it's not Like.

Speaker 2 (38:24):
make it really uncomfortable for them so they
don't ask the next person.
I love that.

Speaker 1 (38:27):
I love that Because I'm like what Like you love that
because I'm like.
What like you're asking?
About my sex life likeliterally, and I think that's
the most embarrassing part aboutbeing pregnant, because people
know you was having sex when Iwas a teenager, we saw like like
a pregnant person, and my dadwas like well, you know what
she's been doing, and so I thinkabout that every single time.

Speaker 3 (38:47):
I'm like it's always weird, like I think about it
with, like, my in-laws.
I'm like dang like every time,cause they used to, when they
would take the kids, they'd belike, alright, now don't come
back pregnant.
But I'm like you reallythinking about the fact that I'm
doing it with your son.

Speaker 2 (39:03):
Like you, really like you thinking about the fact
that I'm, but then before you'repregnant, they we got given me
some grandkids and you'd be like, ew, don't don't, don't, I
don't want to think about thatwith you in the room Like that's
crazy.

Speaker 3 (39:14):
You'd be like never if you keep asking no no, listen
, at this point I'm just likey'all.

Speaker 2 (39:19):
Ladies, don't do it if you don't want to because it
is not Instagram and it's always.

Speaker 1 (39:27):
They're like oh, you're giving me all this
unsolicited advice.

Speaker 3 (39:30):
And then they have the baby.

Speaker 1 (39:31):
and they're like why didn't anybody tell me?
Or I'm pregnant, Everybody'sonly negative.
And then they have the baby,and they're like oh Like it is
awesome Like there's so manyawesome points, but it's a lot.

Speaker 3 (39:42):
There's so low A lot.

Speaker 1 (39:44):
If you don't want it or you're not even sure, like
don't do it yet 40, 60 orsomething like that.

Speaker 2 (39:54):
Yeah, and you're second guessing yourself the
trauma, like I had a C-sectionand it was great for me.
I loved the C-section.
I hated being induced.
Why would anyone?
Do that I didn't know whatinduced meant.

Speaker 1 (40:07):
So when I went, in, you would have thought, because
I paid for doula, so I thought Iknew everything.

Speaker 3 (40:12):
I was taught she was like I did not do.
Taught she was like I did notdo what I was supposed to do
Today.

Speaker 2 (40:16):
I said, oh, I'm having Carter today too.
And then I get in the hospitalshe goes oh no, baby, you're
gonna be here for a few days.

Speaker 3 (40:21):
I said I'm so sorry.
Oh wait a few days.
They start the process the daybefore.

Speaker 1 (40:25):
Yeah, oh, because, especially if you have a boy and
you want to get themcircumcised, oh yeah, the whole
the whole.

Speaker 2 (40:32):
I didn't open up, I was three centimeters.

Speaker 1 (40:34):
Carter was chilling.

Speaker 2 (40:35):
He came out pissed.
He said this is it?

Speaker 1 (40:38):
How many weeks were you when they induced you?
39 weeks, oh, I was 40.
I think I was 41.
Both times I was 40 and 41.
Like they had to induce mebecause the first time my water
wouldn't break no, I had nowater.
And then the second time theysaid I had gestational diabetes
and they wanted to induce me at37 weeks.
But I was like no.

Speaker 3 (40:56):
And I went.

Speaker 1 (40:56):
I should have said yes.

Speaker 3 (40:57):
Yeah, that's how I got my wrinkles and then but so
I waited until 40,.

Speaker 1 (41:01):
but Jesus.

Speaker 3 (41:01):
Wow, now I have my babies at 38 weeks.

Speaker 2 (41:04):
Listen that inducing is not for the.
That is not for the week,because it's the fake
contractions and it's the drugs.
They were like, and I was oneof those.
I don't want the epidural.

Speaker 1 (41:18):
I don't want nothing.
Oh, I was that too.
I was going to be at a birthcenter Once they brought me to
the hospital.

Speaker 2 (41:22):
I said give me the drugs.
I was hyperventilating, I'llsay if you see my, I literally
recorded my entire birth story.
The people, theanesthesiologist yeah, they were
getting so annoyed because Iwas like ma, make sure it's
focused, and the whole area hasto be that you are in pain, I am
, but I need to get this clipbecause look everything is
content everything is contentand I'm so glad I did it because

(41:45):
at that point, like my mom wasso hands-on and it was crazy,
like it gives me chills when Ithink about it.
When I recorded my mom I go mom,you look like an angel and she.
Just to know like I have thatfootage and just to have that
and I'm just like oh, thank you,god, that I was that crazy lady
giving birth thank you I neededthat and even at my baby shower

(42:05):
I had like all the grandparentssaying hi, carter, I'm your
grandma, and I didn't even know,I literally didn't know.

Speaker 3 (42:12):
I don't know how you like I'm over here, but no, you
this makeup looks really good.

Speaker 2 (42:17):
I'm good, we're good.
I'm telling you, mommy wouldhave been in here like, and
that's who I am, and I hope tobe able to give people that,
because when you look at me,don't be sad, I'm going to be
okay.
I'm going to be okay.
I have so much to offer.
I like to tell people I'm afeeling.
Before you see beauty andeverything.
I'm a feeling you are I'm notshe's not lying.

Speaker 3 (42:38):
I want you to feel good around me.

Speaker 2 (42:40):
I'm just like y'all.
I'm so grateful to be here andjust how beautiful this is.
The vibe has been incredible.
And the questions.
I looked at my team.
I said they're amazing.

Speaker 3 (42:52):
This is going to be great.
This is going to be great.

Speaker 2 (42:53):
This is going to be great, but this has been
incredible.
Yes, I have one more question.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 3 (42:58):
I have one more question.
So we talked about all themilestones, we talked about you
know, all the things that you'vebeen through.
But one thing we didn't reallylike go into is how have your
friends shown up for you duringthis time and then have your
friendships changed, whether itbe motherhood, grief, are there
people that didn't really knowhow to show up for you?
Like, what has that been like?
Oh, that sucks.

Speaker 2 (43:19):
Listen, you know when the laugh happens.

Speaker 1 (43:23):
You're like you know, that's that.
Sierra laugh Anyway.

Speaker 2 (43:27):
Sorry, I have the most incredible tribe.
I do my tribe.
Everyone knows my tribe.
Like my tribe is wow.
Like I don't, my best friendsorganize my mom's funeral Wow.

Speaker 1 (43:46):
That's how my tribe is Because that's another
terrible thing when someonepasses, you have to plan an
event.
When I'm grieving, I have tofeed people.

Speaker 2 (43:55):
It was insane.
My best friends planned thewhole thing.
They planned the whole thing.
So that just tells you the typeof group.

Speaker 1 (44:02):
So you can't have a big wedding because you can't
afford to lose a friend.
Oh no, I need them all.

Speaker 2 (44:07):
Literally.
I'm like.
You guys have been in momentsfor me and my mom was a mom to
them.
Like you know, my best friendshave been my best friends since
middle school, since high school, and my mom is the life of the
party.
She's turning up.
She would have been here,twerking something.
She's just that type of person.
So for them to have carriedthat load for me, I will forever

(44:29):
be grateful for them.
They will forever.
They are my non-negotiables.
I don't care how mad get overit.
Like we in this, like I don'tknow, I told my best friend, if
me and my man, god forbid everbreak up, I'm marrying my best
friend Like.

Speaker 1 (44:40):
I'm marrying one of them, like I don't know what to
tell y'all.

Speaker 2 (44:42):
Like you know, he is gay, but I thought it would be
the perfect situation, like youcould be with your man, I could
be with my man and we yes, it'sjust a partnership, it's a good
contract.
You know, we got good credit.
We got good credit.
I was like best friend.
It's going to be great.

Speaker 1 (44:57):
So y'all have a friendship contract.
They got that Jaden Willrelationship.

Speaker 2 (45:01):
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.
Listen, I don't know anybody, Idon't know what, who, I don't
know we watching.
We gonna have a what's thatcompany called?
Huh, what's her company?
Red Table.

Speaker 3 (45:18):
Talk.

Speaker 2 (45:18):
Not Red, the actual, like her company company.
Oh, I forgot.

Speaker 1 (45:21):
Oh, no, Jada talks a lot.

Speaker 2 (45:22):
No, I guess I don't know, Wait, you got me hot
Listen.
But look, in regards tofriendships, I definitely did
lose a lot of friends Withinmotherhood too, and I think
something happens to yourinstincts.
When you realize that I don'tknow your instincts just talk to
you when you're pregnant, likeyou really start doing some
re-evaluating yeah, like whomakes my stomach hurt?

(45:45):
Okay, and if you make my stomachhurt like that little mm.
You got to go, just trust itoff.
You have to trust your gut.
And I really felt like that wasmy ancestors talking to me, and
I really felt like that was myancestors talking to me and I
said I got to do a whole cleanse, okay let's cleanse out so when
I was pregnant, I definitely Idid a lot of shifting and a lot
of relationships for me.
I thought it was very importantfor my mental health, yeah, and

(46:05):
even ultimately, while I'm stillin this grieving process, there
were a lot of people who didn'tknow what to say, yeah, and
there were people who didn't sayanything at all, and I don't
know if that's the hurt mesaying nothing and not knowing,
like just saying nothing.
I think it's the worst thingyou could do to someone.
You're wrong either way so mysisters have been sharp.

(46:29):
They've been.
I've been, yeah, I've literallybeen very clear.
Motherhood has made me clear.
Losing my mother has made meclearer.
Like it was very like, wow, Ithought we were in each other's
lives and you didn't know whatto say at all Like there's.

Speaker 3 (46:48):
literally you could have just Googled the what's his
name.

Speaker 1 (46:50):
Yeah, I'm an AI.
Now you could have Googledanyway.

Speaker 2 (47:00):
There's nothing like and I I remember every.
You may not respond to everyonewho, yeah, who reached out, but
I definitely remember peoplewho didn't show up.

Speaker 1 (47:03):
They weren't missed, but I definitely took account
and I remember.
But a quick question though,because we asked this about
friendship.
So it's like, especially sinceyou're into confrontation, like
how do you end the friendship?

Speaker 3 (47:12):
literally gonna ask that, are you like?

Speaker 1 (47:13):
girl, we're not friends again.
Or is it just like you ain'tshow up, so're not friends again
.
Or is it just like you ain'tshow up, so we just have never
connected Like, is it a ghost?
Yeah, no.

Speaker 2 (47:22):
I'm a little bit of both, I think.
Especially where I'm at in lifenow, I feel like everything
doesn't have to be said.
I think friendships definitelyhave an expiration date.

Speaker 3 (47:30):
It doesn't have to be a thing it doesn't have to be a
thing.

Speaker 2 (47:33):
Like you know, we haven't been talking girl.

Speaker 3 (47:34):
Like you know, we not cool, Like we don't gotta even
talk about it.

Speaker 2 (47:38):
It's cool.
But I think when, if it'sappropriate, we can be, like you
know, adults.
I think it's definitely.
There's definitely a time andplace to end a relationship,
especially if it mattered, likeif it mattered to you.
It's definitely worthy ofsitting down and letting people
know what time it is, and itdoesn't have to be a rah-rah.
It can just be like we are intwo different places in life,

(48:00):
and it's okay.
And confrontation is not a badthing, okay, especially black
men.
Y'all can do it too, and itdoesn't have to be anything but
love, okay, I always ultimatelywant to end a sit-down with love
, Especially in motherhood.
You think I'm going to tuck myface?
Absolutely not.
I'm like listen, I'm callingthe cops.

(48:21):
You are not the person, you donot I am.
Listen, I'm a uh-uh.

Speaker 1 (48:25):
I am not that girl I used to be.

Speaker 2 (48:27):
Listen, I only been in one altercation in high
school, oh my gosh.
And and I will never absolutelylike you want to do what oh, my
God oh.
God, I'm so scared I will callthe cops.
I am not that girl.
Monica Stalmius is a brand.
This is work.
I am a mom.
I have so much to lose and Ithink we need to, like you said,
remove that negative.

(48:48):
You know idea.
Yeah, that confrontation is bad.
It's a good thing.
We need to know how tocommunicate more.
People be like oh no, don't saynothing when I say I'm going to
say something.
I swear I'm going to talk, I'mgoing to meet you where you're
at.

Speaker 1 (48:59):
The issues happen because of lack of confrontation
, not because of confrontation.
Say it, it's important.

Speaker 2 (49:04):
Talk more, learn how to communicate, express your
words.

Speaker 1 (49:09):
Open up a dictionary and also know how to express
good for a.

Speaker 2 (49:12):
I'm very vulgar, but when I want to make my point
come across correctly, I don'twant to be disrespectful, I
don't want to name call you.
And sometimes we can get alittle hot and sometimes it's
important, just like I meanlisten, michelle, I love you,
but sometimes you gotta go lowwhen they go high.
I'm going low, okay.

Speaker 1 (49:30):
But I'm trying to be better, because at least you get
it out instead of thinkingabout it for like a month or two
weeks or a week, because thenotherwise you're cursing them
out in your brain for too long.

Speaker 2 (49:39):
No, get it out of your system.
I believe in getting out ofthat, because you're
compromising your emotions,because you don't like, if you
want to compromise, like ifsomething is bothering you, yeah
.

Speaker 1 (49:47):
That makes your stomach hurt.

Speaker 2 (49:48):
No, and you got it.

Speaker 3 (49:58):
And I have all this like internal issues.
It becomes something elseillnesses, health issues all
that they say, what you don'theal your body reveals oh,
that's good listen, I didn'tmake it up, but you know what tm
what?

Speaker 2 (50:06):
after?
After I experienced like birth.
I felt like everything happenedto me, like I lost weight
immediately, but then, once lifehappened, again gained weight,
started my hair loss.
Oh my gosh, I no one preparedme for hair loss like the
balding was real that's a realthing.
I did not know that, like you,could lose your hair the way I
was like my hair was.

(50:27):
My hair is so thick but therewas like patches, where I was
like girl what is happening, butpostpartum hair loss is a real
thing.
Child, it's okay.
We doing it, we make it lookcute, we make it look easy.

Speaker 1 (50:38):
So our last, our actual last question.

Speaker 3 (50:41):
Because they said last last time.
Yeah, we said last last.
This is a real one, this is afor real Last last what do you
think moms actually need to hear?

Speaker 2 (50:50):
You doing just fine, okay, you're doing just fine.
Doing just fine, okay, you'redoing just fine.
We don't need to compareourselves to anyone else.
I know we hear this all thetime.
Don't compare yourself.
It's so hard to you're.
We're doing just fine.
Because while people see youjust be a mom, life is also
throwing you a bunch of otherobstacles and you're just trying
to figure it out.
Yeah, and ultimately I feel likethat's what's allowed me to be

(51:11):
graceful to my loved ones aswell.
Yeah, because now I'm like wait, like wait.
You were how old and you alsodidn't know what you were doing.
Yes, so this is the only likenow I've been more graceful with
more adults and more.

Speaker 1 (51:23):
Not that I never was, but when you're younger, you're
like you're my mom, you shouldknow what you're doing and I
realized my mom was actually awoman, was a whole life going
through who knows what, whilewe're like you don't think about
that, or?
Your dad or your aunt, or youraunt, everybody like.
Once you get out of that maincharacter energy and realize
that everybody has their own,lives going on besides what they

(51:46):
present.

Speaker 2 (51:47):
Yeah, I mean, it really blew, my mind it did, it
did, and I feel like, as girls,we were probably harder with our
mothers.
And like we then became closeras we got older and I'm like,
dang, you were dealing with this.

Speaker 1 (52:00):
While I'm complaining about something stupid.

Speaker 2 (52:03):
No, no, we're doing just fine.
We're doing just fine Like wewear so many hats being our own
boss, while still have to keepup and be sexy for our loved
ones, for ourselves, by being amom and doing gentle parenting,
child share, whatever.
You know like we're doing alittle bit of everything.
So I think sometimes we keep—Ithink society doesn't give us

(52:25):
enough grace, and I also want usto be graceful with ourselves.

Speaker 1 (52:29):
Yeah, that's where it starts.

Speaker 2 (52:31):
I'm always like I'm never going to come up to work
and be like I'm a sad story.
I'm not like, I'm never goingto come up to work and be like
I'm a sad story.
I'm not.
It's a part of my story and I'mmore than that.
It's going to make me evolve,and it has.
So, ultimately, I'm not surewhy God did it.
There was a tick that was likewould you ask God?
I'm still in my asking Godphase, and that's okay.
Yeah, if I'm being transparent.

(52:57):
But I know that it has it reallyshowed me yeah, wow, you're
insane, like you can literallyyou're, you're capable of so
many things.

Speaker 1 (53:02):
So you're doing just fine.
Well, thank you.
We're so glad you joined us,yes, and you're stuck with us
forever, and I am so gratefulbecause we come to LA.

Speaker 3 (53:11):
So just yeah, please, I'm a foodie, let's eat, eat.
Oh my God Listen.

Speaker 2 (53:16):
I.
I'm so floored, I am sograteful, thank you.
I mean, we started off with aprayer and when I tell you, it's
just like I sunk into thiscouch.
Thank you so much.
You never know whose lives youcan touch by something like this
is.
This may be work, but this was.
God has been shifting me intothis space, like I've been
wanting to do a podcast foryears, for years, and I told my

(53:37):
team.
I said I want to talk more andI didn't know what to talk about
.
And then life happened for meand I'm like I have so much to
say and I'm just so gratefulbecause he's been pushing me
into this space and I hope tosee you guys bigger.

Speaker 3 (53:56):
Okay, y'all go Emmy.
Okay, we claiming it.

Speaker 2 (53:57):
These girls are incredible.
You're gonna make me cryseriously.
You guys are incredible.
The energy here, everybody fromthe behind the scenes,
everybody has been truly amazingthank you so much, keep talking
girl you guys are amazing didyou just drop your face on my
face?
Oh no, that face is stillsitting, oh wow my face didn't
come off.
Check the credits.
Please make sure you guyssupport these girls.
They were absolutely incredible.

Speaker 1 (54:15):
Oh wow, my face didn't come off, Thank you.

Speaker 2 (54:15):
Steve, check the credits y'all.
Please make sure you guyssupport these girls.
They were absolutely incredible.
It's not a facade, no, it'sreal.
Her too.

Speaker 3 (54:27):
Thank you, hey moi what's up.