November 2, 2023 • 22 mins
Hey Ma! We’re hitting rewind and spotlighting our "MA Top 12" — the standout episodes from our first three seasons of Moms Actually. From October 12 to December 28, don’t miss the moments that defined us. Join us as a we take a trip down memory lane as we prepare for Season 4.
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Join us for a heartfelt conversation as we welcome celebrity multi-hyphenate, Tamar Braxton who pulls back the curtain to offer eye-opening insights into her empowering journey of self-acceptance and self-love. With candid confessions and her relentless commitment to self-awareness, Tamar shares:
- Her journey of identifying her personal identity, distinct from societal and familial expectations.
- The importance of self-love, embracing one's body and overcoming the everyday struggles of body image.
- The significance of having a supportive tribe as you navigate trips with unfamiliar faces.
- The importance of good girlfriends
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey everybody.
It's your girl, tamar Braxton.
Make sure you tune in for theepisode that I'm on on Moms.
Actually, this is so good.
We spill a lot of tea, we dropa lot of gems.
Just make sure you tune in, heymom.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Hey mom.
Speaker 3 (00:14):
Hey mom.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Hey, hey.
Speaker 3 (00:18):
Welcome back to another episode of Moms,
actually, where motherhood meetssisterhood.
Today we have a special guest,tamar Braxton, and we are so
excited to have her.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
So excited.
I'm excited to be here.
Yes, thank you so much forjoining us.
I am Morgan and this is Blairand I'm Sopa.
Yes, so look, we're going tohop right into it.
Y'all know the game that we doby now.
So it's giving motherhood, soI'm going to explain it to you
really quick OK.
So we're going to take thispaddle right.
This is yes, that's the goal,and the white is no.
(00:51):
I'm going to read off somequestions.
You have just a couple ofseconds to answer, so the first
answer is the right answer OK,everybody playing.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
Yes, we all playing, I'm just you, just you.
Speaker 4 (01:00):
Just you.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
All right.
So y'all ready, ready, allright.
Has being a mom given you moreconfidence in your body?
Did you feel pressured to snapback?
Do you exercise regularly?
Have you compared yourself toother moms?
Do you still compare yourselfto your pre-baby body?
(01:23):
Oh, period.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
Wait a minute.
Which one is yes?
This yes, yes, yes, I'm nottalking about yes, ok.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
Would you wear a bikini at the pool or the beach?
How high does?
Speaker 4 (01:33):
this bikini go Right.
Yes, it's as high as this?
Speaker 2 (01:37):
Did you start dressing differently after the
baby?
Yes, do you wear clothes tocompliment your body or, more so
, hide your body.
So no is high, and then tocompliment is the goal.
Now, this Little, I'm going todo the middle.
Speaker 4 (01:52):
I wasn't.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
Would you or have you gotten a mommy makeover Would?
Speaker 1 (01:57):
you, would you, oh for sure, put me on a table.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
Are you kind to yourself about your body?
Speaker 1 (02:05):
This is new though.
Speaker 2 (02:06):
Yeah, it is OK.
So just let's jump right there.
Like you said that's new.
Yeah, for sure.
What's new about it?
Speaker 1 (02:13):
I just started to really accept myself, truly
accept myself for who I am, andthat really made me fall in love
with my body.
And it didn't come easy, though.
It came with a bunch of changes.
So accepting yourself for whoyou are is not like, oh, I'm
thick and I'm just going to livein my thickness is no.
No, I'm thick, I want to losesome weight, I want to challenge
(02:35):
myself to be my best self, andnow I'm happy.
Yeah, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
So, yeah, what steps did you take to do that, though,
like once you realize, ok, I'mready to kind of get there and
love myself better like, whatwere the practical steps that
you really did to make sure thatyou got there?
Speaker 1 (02:50):
I got serious about what I wanted.
You know, I started to makedifferent decisions, instead of,
like, just settling in.
I just started to challengemyself and I think like falling
in love with yourself is liketruly challenging yourself, to
get to a deeper level of lovingyourself.
How did you figure?
Speaker 4 (03:08):
out who you are?
I think that's a big questionto me.
Like it's not easy.
Speaker 1 (03:14):
No, you know.
The truth is, I just started toresearch myself.
You Google?
Speaker 2 (03:21):
You Google, I'm not Google, but like spiritual
Google.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
I'll take that.
You know, being the youngestfrom a group with so many women,
you tend to lose yourself.
You know what I mean.
Like who are you for real?
And I just really started tofigure out what I like.
Not what my family liked, notwhat people wanted me to be, but
what do you truly want to be.
So that's how that all startedwith me.
(03:45):
But that all started because Ihad to.
I had no way to go butt upbecause I was at rock bottom,
yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
So couple of episodes ago, like literally our first
episode, we actually talkedabout the identity and that.
I do want to touch on that justreally quick, because I think
body image, identity, all ofthat kind of goes together.
And if you don't know who youare or you're trying to be like,
we are as women, we'reliterally supposed to be the mom
, we're supposed to be the wife,we're supposed to be the sister
(04:13):
, we're supposed to be all thesethings, and then we're like
well, who are you, who am I?
And it's like looking in themirror, like did you have those?
Like you're like looking in themirror and you just don't.
Speaker 4 (04:24):
No like, because you also have the public telling you
.
Speaker 2 (04:27):
Everybody's telling you who you.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
Yeah, you leave other people more than what you
actually see or know foryourself, right yeah?
So yeah, I get that a lot.
They used to bother me a lot.
That's why I used to be aTwitter and Instagram gangster.
Yeah, because I felt like thisis the only way I can defend
myself.
But then I learned the only wayto defend myself is to truly
(04:49):
love myself.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
Yeah, yeah, so you got it like speaking to you,
gotta speak into yourself.
Speaker 1 (04:53):
You gotta know who you are, just like you said.
So whatever Somebody says, likeon Instagram or social media or
even like if I do an interviewpeople have said crazy things it
doesn't penetrate.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
Even you saying, like social media and stuff like
that, and we talked aboutcomparing yourself.
Right now the BBLs are a thing.
Yeah, the mama makeovers evenjust seeing other women like you
see, you know, like Kim K, shepopped out a baby and then all
of a sudden she's like it's notreal, it's not fair.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
Let me take something so funny.
The truth is, taima almost gother BBL because Until I learned
that you can't sit on your buttand that was like a no for me
what you know I'm a part of this.
You know the little baby bootyclub, you know, and I don't want
to be a part of that club.
(05:45):
I want the juicy piece like bambam what I see on Instagram.
I want to see that because youknow.
Speaker 3 (05:57):
Did you gain the confidence or even be able to
like, drown out the noise,especially being a public?
Speaker 1 (06:03):
figure.
Yeah, it was definitely achoice.
You know, I keep saying thesame thing because I promise you
it really is bad.
Simple, you know, I I justdecided that the way that other
people made me feel made me feelbad about myself and I didn't
want to go through my life and Idefinitely didn't want my son
to keep Witnessing that.
(06:25):
You know, I wanted to be abetter example, not only for
myself but for him, and the onlyway that I could Change that
pattern was to make differentdecisions, and that was number
one.
Drown out the noise.
You know the noise will keepyou bound.
You know, I mean, at first ofall, it's a lie.
I just want everybody to knowthat it's not true.
(06:45):
Stop falling for it, and that'swhat you really have to do is
make a decision like you know Iain't doing that, no more.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
I love that you just said, like your son, like you
wanted to make sure, because forme, with two daughters, I even
had to watch myself and like howI talked about myself.
Oh, because I'm like what it'snot.
What's taught is what's caught.
But like seriously, like if I'mlike, ooh, even the smallest
(07:17):
comments about myself, like whatam I teaching them how to love
themselves?
Like I want you, I'm tellingyou you're beautiful all day.
But if I'm saying to myselflike, ooh, I don't like the way
I look in this, or I need tochange my clothes because, or
I'm not wearing this two-piecebecause look at my stomach,
y'all yeah and then they'llstart to look at themselves and
then you plant the seed of bodyimage.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
And I'm telling you I live with body dysmorphia for a
long time and it takes a longtime to shake.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
Yeah, yeah, I can only imagine that like yeah
truly imagine what that feelslike, because I Know when I
first gave birth I was just.
I was putting on big oldt-shirts, I was avoiding the
mirrors.
I was like please, please, Idon't even want to look at
myself, like I would just getdressed.
I wouldn't even look at what Ihad on, I wasn't seeing if it
matched nothing.
Speaker 4 (08:01):
I was my boobs cuz you're, you're like ariolas get
bigger and darker and I missedmy little cute, yeah, my little
cute one.
Speaker 2 (08:08):
And for me to, at one point I was a single mom, and
so I started to look at myselfand was like nobody's gonna want
me, like.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
I felt like damage goods because I got you wanted
to be with somebody and nobodywas.
You know, I kind of do that.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
I used to, yeah, like I felt like okay, I have a kid
nobody want to be with, no Baby,like nobody want to have the
baby mama type thing, and then Igot all this saggy skin and you
know, nobody wants that.
Like that's what I used tothink and let me ask you a
question.
Speaker 1 (08:37):
Would change that for you?
Speaker 2 (08:39):
for me Prayer, okay, because I literally was like one
I need to speak into myself,okay.
And then I used to ask, I usedto be like okay, if I'm going to
get married, if I'm going tostart dating, I need you to send
me somebody who's going toaccept all of me, like not.
And when I say all of me, meand my child for sure.
(09:01):
Like no other.
But even with him loving me, Igot to love myself first because
, no matter what, like no matterif he tells me all day long
that I'm beautiful, I have tobelieve it.
So it was like a, both a andfor me.
Speaker 4 (09:13):
I was like, okay, all right, I can do this, but it's
a, it's a daily talk and that'show it was for me.
My husband will always say howgood I look and all the things,
but when I see myself, I have tofeel it like I just recently
got some smart life.
Oh, he told me not to do it.
He's like just a great, I'mlike, but I don't feel it.
So I can't walk out comfortablyuntil I feel it.
(09:33):
So someone can tell you all daybecause people like you don't
need that, and I love thecompliments, but until I can
look at myself that way, yeah,it's just not the same.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
Yes, so I think I really.
What would you say, like justto wrap it all up, is what would
you say to the person that istrying to like get back,
especially if you're you'resaying I recently in there so
you can really speak to it assomebody who might be struggling
with that.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
I don't have all the answers.
I can just tell you it worksfor me.
Yeah, you know you know, numberone, the number one thing for
me that helps me was therapy.
Yeah, yeah, I pray and I prayhard, but sometimes, you know,
holy goes away knowing why we'regoing on.
Speaker 4 (10:15):
You know you got to go, yeah, you got to go and seek
some professional help.
Speaker 1 (10:19):
Yes, so you can learn the tools to properly speak
here and speak positiveaffirmations over yourself.
Sometimes, like you know, whenwe grow up, especially in
African American community, weforget to teach our children how
to truly love themselves.
(10:40):
You know, and then you come outinto the real world and you
have absolutely no idea how tolove, including yourself.
You're like well, how do I dothat?
Because, like Blair was saying,her husband can tell her all
day and I just want to let youknow, he tell you in your face
that you're beautiful, and hetalk about you, behind your back
, that you're beautiful, and soI mean that's love.
You know what I mean.
What's the conversation whenI'm not sitting in?
Speaker 4 (11:02):
the room.
You know what I'm saying.
It's true.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
It's true, and I just think that the first thing is
making the decision to heal andmaking the decision to accept
the fact that you're not okay,because it's not okay to talk
about yourself, it's not okay topick out things about yourself
Like, oh, I don't like that andthis is not it, I'm not good
enough and don't, nobody want mebecause I got a baby.
(11:27):
You know, everybody has flaws.
So I think that's the firststep and I think that once you
make that first step, I thinkthings will fall into place,
because that's what happened tome.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
I agree, I agree.
Well, why are we giving advice?
Y'all know we have a hey Maletter every single week.
B do you want?
Speaker 4 (11:45):
to take that I do and remember for hey Ma.
If you have any questions oryou need any advice, please
email hey Ma at momsactuallycom.
So we are going to go into ourquestion.
So, hey Ma, after I had a baby,everything fit differently.
I no longer recognize myself.
I avoid mirrors, I wear biggerclothes.
I have a girls trip coming upthis summer and I am so nervous
(12:09):
about even going because I'mjust not comfortable Any time.
Any tips on how I can beconfident in myself, or should I
just skip it altogether?
Speaker 1 (12:17):
The girls trip.
Yeah, I say skip it because youknow You're not ready.
Speaker 4 (12:23):
You're not ready, Linda.
You're not ready, linda, andthe reason why I say that no,
for real, because you're notgoing to have a good time.
You're going to sit here andyou're going to compare yourself
to all your friends.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
You know what I'm saying.
I mean, you're going to talkbad about yourself.
You're not ready.
It has nothing to do with whatyou look like to other people.
You don't love yourself enoughto go on a girls trip.
Because, let me tell yousomething, girls sometimes is
the worst people to be around.
You got to know that thesegirls are really down for you.
Is this your trip?
Are you going with your trip?
Because if you go with yourtrip, that's a different trip.
(12:56):
You know what I'm saying?
If you go on with a group ofrandoms, it's a no for me, dog,
you're not a.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
No, you know what?
That's funny because I love tospeak from the encouraging
standpoint.
But even you saying that makesso much sense to me because I'm
like, if she's not in theheadspace to even deal with that
, it could do more harm thangood.
Speaker 4 (13:16):
Because you comparing yourself.
Because now you're going tolook at the pictures, or, if
it's not your tribe, they'regoing to leave you out the
pictures and pick all thepictures.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
I mean, come on, they talk about you, they talk about
you.
Speaker 3 (13:26):
See, I've been on a trip where I've been that girl
Really.
Speaker 1 (13:29):
So what happened.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
Tell us.
Speaker 3 (13:31):
I literally tore myself apart but also started
comparing myself and I also likereally made a kind of run the
trip, to be honest, because Iwas so down and hard on myself,
like even my office.
Every time it's the validationyou're pulling everybody.
Speaker 4 (13:46):
You start self deprecating.
Yeah, the affirmation.
Speaker 1 (13:49):
Yeah and so I think, yeah, it was a trip, that wasn't
.
Speaker 3 (13:53):
I would never go on a trip again with them Like I was
embarrassed so.
I was that girl, but it was.
That was a good perspective,because I should go.
Speaker 4 (14:05):
Yeah, I go.
It really depends like I canget a little phone most so I
might.
But I I'm very good at likemaking it to.
I make it.
That's how I tell myself thestory I need to hear.
I just make myself believe ituntil it's true.
And then I'm pretty good atpicking out things that like my
body.
Speaker 2 (14:21):
So I can, I can finesse it you know that,
because my thing is I'm likegirl going this girl's trip
because you need to time away.
Speaker 4 (14:28):
I like getting out the house yeah, I need some
break but then it's likemiserable.
That's, that's a fact.
I think that's because it's notmy mindset, so yeah, it would
just be a difference.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
But do we truly believe in girl trips?
We want to go.
How long we going forward aboutyour girls?
Speaker 4 (14:43):
We even girls.
Speaker 2 (14:45):
I think you know what I say more, say more, say more.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
I want to do my language off like for 5 days.
I like you, but it's like a no.
Well, that's a long trip.
How long?
Speaker 4 (14:54):
we going for this girl trip.
I mean a weekend like this,like Friday, 3 days.
Speaker 3 (15:00):
Okay, yeah, I want to one in February, and it was
actually very nice how long didyou go?
For it was 5 days, you lovethem.
Speaker 4 (15:08):
That was I really that was your tribe, or that was
a group of?
Speaker 3 (15:11):
girls.
It was a group of girls thatcame together.
We only met on social media andwe all like mutual friends for
5 days for 5 days for 5 days wehad some good time just
worshiping, spending timetogether, getting to know each
other to get to that point,because I was raised with all
women.
Speaker 4 (15:31):
Yeah, it's like you know, we child, so that's why
I'm like I'm going to show upevery day.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
I'm going to meet y'all later.
Yeah, is that what you do, just?
Speaker 1 (15:43):
I'm not going to the festivities, but I've been ready
to go after that.
Speaker 4 (15:47):
Well, that recent girls trip.
I went on.
I thought it was like Mondaythrough Friday and I told them I
was like I'm coming but I'mleaving on Wednesday I was
making me think I was great Okay.
I was actually about to go toall and not go at all, I mean I
mean.
Speaker 3 (16:07):
Yeah it's just like when you're traveling with women
.
You just have to overcommunicate because, like the
expectations, yeah, yeah, I'mbad at that.
Speaker 4 (16:15):
I didn't grow up with a lot of friends, so I'm really
I'm still learning a lot ofyeah, yeah.
Well, I didn't have friendsgoing up.
The spirit is right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,yeah you know what?
Speaker 1 (16:26):
I'm saying it's like you know, most of the time, when
you're around, especially likebeautiful success for women, you
become intimidated as a woman.
You know what I mean.
And then there's certainfemales that make you feel good.
Speaker 4 (16:37):
Yeah, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
She got it together.
She'll make me feel bad aboutmyself.
Yeah, that's the energy you get.
Speaker 4 (16:45):
Thank you, yeah, I love being around.
I'm like I'm not going to bearound.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah , but even like we talked about
the girls, like even thecommunity I know we talk about
that a lot like how important asmothers, you do need to have
that community, like I know,like from the standpoint of,
yeah, like girls can be crazy,but you also don't want to do it
by yourself, like you also wantto be able to if something
happens or you're going througha rough moment, like I want to
(17:11):
have my mom friends because suresomebody there's people that
don't have kids to leave yourkids yeah then you feel mom say
yeah, yeah, so it's like it's a,I think you gotta have.
Speaker 4 (17:22):
My God was just gone last week and, yes, I'm going to
be going to get next week andthat's OK.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
I'll be telling black girl, your kids a little.
This is the time.
This is the time when I have an8 year old son.
He's a.
He's not here for he's not knowlike when you come home it's
like 3 more sleep, 2 more sleep,and I love it, you know, but at
the end of the day is like youknow, I'm single.
Yeah, I work all the time.
Speaker 4 (17:48):
Mama gotta have like two.
Mama gotta have like two.
I'm like to go outside.
Yes, I'm gonna go outside.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
Outside open back up.
Yes, it is so that's what Istruggle most with balance.
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (17:57):
What about you?
Speaker 1 (17:58):
you have multiple kids.
Do you have multiple kids?
Speaker 3 (17:59):
I do, I have two, two boys, two boys Boy, my one and
three, a one and a three rule.
Okay, so like, how do you thebalance of it all is?
Speaker 2 (18:07):
honestly, it's about boundaries for me.
Like I'm like I give my kidsboundaries and then I also
communicate with them, likemommy is doing this, because,
cause I think it's one thing tosay mommy's going out, but like
you have to communicate the why,because it's like teaching them
for when they get older, likethis is what I'm supposed to do,
(18:27):
because again, in our previousculture, our aunties, our
grandmothers and all that stuffthey believed in, like wearing
themselves.
Then I don't believe in that,yeah, cause I can't be depleted,
yeah.
I don't want to, and I don'twant to teach them that, so I
want to make sure that I'mabsolutely like telling them and
showing them more than tellingthem that mommy is doing this
(18:48):
because I need a moment, andwhen I come back I want to be
full, I want to be able to pour,and then we're going to be good
.
Speaker 1 (18:54):
So are we okay with nannies?
Do we let our nannies make usfeel bad?
Speaker 2 (18:58):
Uh-uh, if I could have a nanny right now.
I would have a nanny absolutely, so I had to live in nanny for
a year but I always feel like Ihad to justify it.
Speaker 4 (19:07):
Like I always had to explain, like she was going
through a quarter life crack,like I feel like I have to like
explain so much around itinstead of.
I just needed a nanny so Icould stay sane, cause I was
also working at home.
I was at home and I still had ananny at home and I really felt
like I have to justifyeverything about it to make
sense, and you shouldn't have to.
Speaker 2 (19:27):
I needed it to keep saying I still do it.
Speaker 4 (19:29):
Yeah, even with my babysitter now she's like an
on-call and I still feel like Ihave to say, well, I got her
from the church and she, like Ijust can't say like.
Speaker 2 (19:35):
Always justify it.
Speaker 4 (19:36):
Yeah, I justify it all because I feel like
someone's going to be like sowhy do you need someone Be home?
Speaker 2 (19:42):
I think that's what this space is about, though the
redefinition of what motherhoodis.
Like being able to delegate,being able to say I'm not going
to do all these tasks, I'm notgoing to work all day, then come
home, slave over the stove andthen come and then get my
husband sex, and then I got toget up and then I'm going to go
and do some laundry and fold andthen I'm going to go and put
everything cute little lunchboxes and Cree cucumber
(20:05):
sandwiches, a crust crust likeI'm not doing all that.
Speaker 4 (20:07):
My kids do shit on a chef boy or a D every single
night.
So you know, give you know chefboy or D.
Speaker 2 (20:13):
Is that a spot that you use?
Is that a plug?
Come on, come on.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
I think the bottom line is that we have to learn,
as moms, to give ourselves somegrace.
You have to, you know, because,like you have to learn along
the way to forgive yourself.
You know because it's on thejob training.
Speaker 4 (20:28):
But I say sometimes we know better and we don't do.
But like I know that, like Italk so hard when I'm giving
people advice like do this, dothis, and I'm still sometimes
again feeling it's tough.
Speaker 2 (20:38):
Well, I would say to the person that wrote in that
letter love your body, If youreally.
If you're not there yet, thenit's okay to skip it and do the
work, and do the work, and dothe work.
Speaker 4 (20:49):
Go on, do it yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:50):
Heal yourself.
But if you're ready to get outand go, then enjoy that and
embrace it.
Otherwise you know you got somework to do.
Speaker 1 (21:00):
You'll get invited next year.
Boo, this is not your year.
Stay cool and watch the Netflixgirls, there's a lot of shows.
Yes, it's not yours Well y'all,thank y'all so much.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
Thank you, tamar.
Speaker 4 (21:08):
Oh no, thank you guys , you are amazing, I'm so you
guys are too Nice to have youhere.
Speaker 2 (21:14):
As always, guys, this is our season finale, though.
Really, yeah, it's really, it'sso fast.
Speaker 4 (21:20):
Yeah, that's it.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
We know that's it I see, but that means you know
we're next season.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
What do you want to come back?
Of course you want to come back, for sure, that would be
amazing.
Speaker 2 (21:32):
But no, seriously, thank you so much.
Thank you guys.
We couldn't have ended itbetter.
So you guys make sure that youlike, subscribe, comment and
please be sure to follow us soyou can keep updated with the
next season.
Thank you guys, so much forjoining us.
Hey mom, hey mom, hey mom, heymom, hey mom, hey mom, hey mom,
(21:53):
hey mom, hey mom, hey mom, heymom.
Hey everybody.
It's your girl, tamar Braxton.
Make sure you tune in for theepisode that I'm on on Moms.
Actually, this is so good.
We spill a lot of tea, we dropa lot of gems.
Just make sure you tune in, heymom.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Hey mom.
Speaker 3 (00:14):
Hey mom.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Hey, hey.
Speaker 3 (00:18):
Welcome back to another episode of Moms,
actually, where motherhood meetssisterhood.
Today we have a special guest,tamar Braxton, and we are so
excited to have her.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
So excited.
I'm excited to be here.
Yes, thank you so much forjoining us.
I am Morgan and this is Blairand I'm Sopa.
Yes, so look, we're going tohop right into it.
Y'all know the game that we doby now.
So it's giving motherhood, soI'm going to explain it to you
really quick OK.
So we're going to take thispaddle right.
This is yes, that's the goal,and the white is no.
(00:51):
I'm going to read off somequestions.
You have just a couple ofseconds to answer, so the first
answer is the right answer OK,everybody playing.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
Yes, we all playing, I'm just you, just you.
Speaker 4 (01:00):
Just you.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
All right.
So y'all ready, ready, allright.
Has being a mom given you moreconfidence in your body?
Did you feel pressured to snapback?
Do you exercise regularly?
Have you compared yourself toother moms?
Do you still compare yourselfto your pre-baby body?
(01:23):
Oh, period.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
Wait a minute.
Which one is yes?
This yes, yes, yes, I'm nottalking about yes, ok.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
Would you wear a bikini at the pool or the beach?
How high does?
Speaker 4 (01:33):
this bikini go Right.
Yes, it's as high as this?
Speaker 2 (01:37):
Did you start dressing differently after the
baby?
Yes, do you wear clothes tocompliment your body or, more so
, hide your body.
So no is high, and then tocompliment is the goal.
Now, this Little, I'm going todo the middle.
Speaker 4 (01:52):
I wasn't.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
Would you or have you gotten a mommy makeover Would?
Speaker 1 (01:57):
you, would you, oh for sure, put me on a table.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
Are you kind to yourself about your body?
Speaker 1 (02:05):
This is new though.
Speaker 2 (02:06):
Yeah, it is OK.
So just let's jump right there.
Like you said that's new.
Yeah, for sure.
What's new about it?
Speaker 1 (02:13):
I just started to really accept myself, truly
accept myself for who I am, andthat really made me fall in love
with my body.
And it didn't come easy, though.
It came with a bunch of changes.
So accepting yourself for whoyou are is not like, oh, I'm
thick and I'm just going to livein my thickness is no.
No, I'm thick, I want to losesome weight, I want to challenge
(02:35):
myself to be my best self, andnow I'm happy.
Yeah, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
So, yeah, what steps did you take to do that, though,
like once you realize, ok, I'mready to kind of get there and
love myself better like, whatwere the practical steps that
you really did to make sure thatyou got there?
Speaker 1 (02:50):
I got serious about what I wanted.
You know, I started to makedifferent decisions, instead of,
like, just settling in.
I just started to challengemyself and I think like falling
in love with yourself is liketruly challenging yourself, to
get to a deeper level of lovingyourself.
How did you figure?
Speaker 4 (03:08):
out who you are?
I think that's a big questionto me.
Like it's not easy.
Speaker 1 (03:14):
No, you know.
The truth is, I just started toresearch myself.
You Google?
Speaker 2 (03:21):
You Google, I'm not Google, but like spiritual
Google.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
I'll take that.
You know, being the youngestfrom a group with so many women,
you tend to lose yourself.
You know what I mean.
Like who are you for real?
And I just really started tofigure out what I like.
Not what my family liked, notwhat people wanted me to be, but
what do you truly want to be.
So that's how that all startedwith me.
(03:45):
But that all started because Ihad to.
I had no way to go butt upbecause I was at rock bottom,
yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
So couple of episodes ago, like literally our first
episode, we actually talkedabout the identity and that.
I do want to touch on that justreally quick, because I think
body image, identity, all ofthat kind of goes together.
And if you don't know who youare or you're trying to be like,
we are as women, we'reliterally supposed to be the mom
, we're supposed to be the wife,we're supposed to be the sister
(04:13):
, we're supposed to be all thesethings, and then we're like
well, who are you, who am I?
And it's like looking in themirror, like did you have those?
Like you're like looking in themirror and you just don't.
Speaker 4 (04:24):
No like, because you also have the public telling you
.
Speaker 2 (04:27):
Everybody's telling you who you.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
Yeah, you leave other people more than what you
actually see or know foryourself, right yeah?
So yeah, I get that a lot.
They used to bother me a lot.
That's why I used to be aTwitter and Instagram gangster.
Yeah, because I felt like thisis the only way I can defend
myself.
But then I learned the only wayto defend myself is to truly
(04:49):
love myself.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
Yeah, yeah, so you got it like speaking to you,
gotta speak into yourself.
Speaker 1 (04:53):
You gotta know who you are, just like you said.
So whatever Somebody says, likeon Instagram or social media or
even like if I do an interviewpeople have said crazy things it
doesn't penetrate.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
Even you saying, like social media and stuff like
that, and we talked aboutcomparing yourself.
Right now the BBLs are a thing.
Yeah, the mama makeovers evenjust seeing other women like you
see, you know, like Kim K, shepopped out a baby and then all
of a sudden she's like it's notreal, it's not fair.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
Let me take something so funny.
The truth is, taima almost gother BBL because Until I learned
that you can't sit on your buttand that was like a no for me
what you know I'm a part of this.
You know the little baby bootyclub, you know, and I don't want
to be a part of that club.
(05:45):
I want the juicy piece like bambam what I see on Instagram.
I want to see that because youknow.
Speaker 3 (05:57):
Did you gain the confidence or even be able to
like, drown out the noise,especially being a public?
Speaker 1 (06:03):
figure.
Yeah, it was definitely achoice.
You know, I keep saying thesame thing because I promise you
it really is bad.
Simple, you know, I I justdecided that the way that other
people made me feel made me feelbad about myself and I didn't
want to go through my life and Idefinitely didn't want my son
to keep Witnessing that.
(06:25):
You know, I wanted to be abetter example, not only for
myself but for him, and the onlyway that I could Change that
pattern was to make differentdecisions, and that was number
one.
Drown out the noise.
You know the noise will keepyou bound.
You know, I mean, at first ofall, it's a lie.
I just want everybody to knowthat it's not true.
(06:45):
Stop falling for it, and that'swhat you really have to do is
make a decision like you know Iain't doing that, no more.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
I love that you just said, like your son, like you
wanted to make sure, because forme, with two daughters, I even
had to watch myself and like howI talked about myself.
Oh, because I'm like what it'snot.
What's taught is what's caught.
But like seriously, like if I'mlike, ooh, even the smallest
(07:17):
comments about myself, like whatam I teaching them how to love
themselves?
Like I want you, I'm tellingyou you're beautiful all day.
But if I'm saying to myselflike, ooh, I don't like the way
I look in this, or I need tochange my clothes because, or
I'm not wearing this two-piecebecause look at my stomach,
y'all yeah and then they'llstart to look at themselves and
then you plant the seed of bodyimage.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
And I'm telling you I live with body dysmorphia for a
long time and it takes a longtime to shake.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
Yeah, yeah, I can only imagine that like yeah
truly imagine what that feelslike, because I Know when I
first gave birth I was just.
I was putting on big oldt-shirts, I was avoiding the
mirrors.
I was like please, please, Idon't even want to look at
myself, like I would just getdressed.
I wouldn't even look at what Ihad on, I wasn't seeing if it
matched nothing.
Speaker 4 (08:01):
I was my boobs cuz you're, you're like ariolas get
bigger and darker and I missedmy little cute, yeah, my little
cute one.
Speaker 2 (08:08):
And for me to, at one point I was a single mom, and
so I started to look at myselfand was like nobody's gonna want
me, like.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
I felt like damage goods because I got you wanted
to be with somebody and nobodywas.
You know, I kind of do that.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
I used to, yeah, like I felt like okay, I have a kid
nobody want to be with, no Baby,like nobody want to have the
baby mama type thing, and then Igot all this saggy skin and you
know, nobody wants that.
Like that's what I used tothink and let me ask you a
question.
Speaker 1 (08:37):
Would change that for you?
Speaker 2 (08:39):
for me Prayer, okay, because I literally was like one
I need to speak into myself,okay.
And then I used to ask, I usedto be like okay, if I'm going to
get married, if I'm going tostart dating, I need you to send
me somebody who's going toaccept all of me, like not.
And when I say all of me, meand my child for sure.
(09:01):
Like no other.
But even with him loving me, Igot to love myself first because
, no matter what, like no matterif he tells me all day long
that I'm beautiful, I have tobelieve it.
So it was like a, both a andfor me.
Speaker 4 (09:13):
I was like, okay, all right, I can do this, but it's
a, it's a daily talk and that'show it was for me.
My husband will always say howgood I look and all the things,
but when I see myself, I have tofeel it like I just recently
got some smart life.
Oh, he told me not to do it.
He's like just a great, I'mlike, but I don't feel it.
So I can't walk out comfortablyuntil I feel it.
(09:33):
So someone can tell you all daybecause people like you don't
need that, and I love thecompliments, but until I can
look at myself that way, yeah,it's just not the same.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
Yes, so I think I really.
What would you say, like justto wrap it all up, is what would
you say to the person that istrying to like get back,
especially if you're you'resaying I recently in there so
you can really speak to it assomebody who might be struggling
with that.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
I don't have all the answers.
I can just tell you it worksfor me.
Yeah, you know you know, numberone, the number one thing for
me that helps me was therapy.
Yeah, yeah, I pray and I prayhard, but sometimes, you know,
holy goes away knowing why we'regoing on.
Speaker 4 (10:15):
You know you got to go, yeah, you got to go and seek
some professional help.
Speaker 1 (10:19):
Yes, so you can learn the tools to properly speak
here and speak positiveaffirmations over yourself.
Sometimes, like you know, whenwe grow up, especially in
African American community, weforget to teach our children how
to truly love themselves.
(10:40):
You know, and then you come outinto the real world and you
have absolutely no idea how tolove, including yourself.
You're like well, how do I dothat?
Because, like Blair was saying,her husband can tell her all
day and I just want to let youknow, he tell you in your face
that you're beautiful, and hetalk about you, behind your back
, that you're beautiful, and soI mean that's love.
You know what I mean.
What's the conversation whenI'm not sitting in?
Speaker 4 (11:02):
the room.
You know what I'm saying.
It's true.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
It's true, and I just think that the first thing is
making the decision to heal andmaking the decision to accept
the fact that you're not okay,because it's not okay to talk
about yourself, it's not okay topick out things about yourself
Like, oh, I don't like that andthis is not it, I'm not good
enough and don't, nobody want mebecause I got a baby.
(11:27):
You know, everybody has flaws.
So I think that's the firststep and I think that once you
make that first step, I thinkthings will fall into place,
because that's what happened tome.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
I agree, I agree.
Well, why are we giving advice?
Y'all know we have a hey Maletter every single week.
B do you want?
Speaker 4 (11:45):
to take that I do and remember for hey Ma.
If you have any questions oryou need any advice, please
email hey Ma at momsactuallycom.
So we are going to go into ourquestion.
So, hey Ma, after I had a baby,everything fit differently.
I no longer recognize myself.
I avoid mirrors, I wear biggerclothes.
I have a girls trip coming upthis summer and I am so nervous
(12:09):
about even going because I'mjust not comfortable Any time.
Any tips on how I can beconfident in myself, or should I
just skip it altogether?
Speaker 1 (12:17):
The girls trip.
Yeah, I say skip it because youknow You're not ready.
Speaker 4 (12:23):
You're not ready, Linda.
You're not ready, linda, andthe reason why I say that no,
for real, because you're notgoing to have a good time.
You're going to sit here andyou're going to compare yourself
to all your friends.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
You know what I'm saying.
I mean, you're going to talkbad about yourself.
You're not ready.
It has nothing to do with whatyou look like to other people.
You don't love yourself enoughto go on a girls trip.
Because, let me tell yousomething, girls sometimes is
the worst people to be around.
You got to know that thesegirls are really down for you.
Is this your trip?
Are you going with your trip?
Because if you go with yourtrip, that's a different trip.
(12:56):
You know what I'm saying?
If you go on with a group ofrandoms, it's a no for me, dog,
you're not a.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
No, you know what?
That's funny because I love tospeak from the encouraging
standpoint.
But even you saying that makesso much sense to me because I'm
like, if she's not in theheadspace to even deal with that
, it could do more harm thangood.
Speaker 4 (13:16):
Because you comparing yourself.
Because now you're going tolook at the pictures, or, if
it's not your tribe, they'regoing to leave you out the
pictures and pick all thepictures.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
I mean, come on, they talk about you, they talk about
you.
Speaker 3 (13:26):
See, I've been on a trip where I've been that girl
Really.
Speaker 1 (13:29):
So what happened.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
Tell us.
Speaker 3 (13:31):
I literally tore myself apart but also started
comparing myself and I also likereally made a kind of run the
trip, to be honest, because Iwas so down and hard on myself,
like even my office.
Every time it's the validationyou're pulling everybody.
Speaker 4 (13:46):
You start self deprecating.
Yeah, the affirmation.
Speaker 1 (13:49):
Yeah and so I think, yeah, it was a trip, that wasn't
.
Speaker 3 (13:53):
I would never go on a trip again with them Like I was
embarrassed so.
I was that girl, but it was.
That was a good perspective,because I should go.
Speaker 4 (14:05):
Yeah, I go.
It really depends like I canget a little phone most so I
might.
But I I'm very good at likemaking it to.
I make it.
That's how I tell myself thestory I need to hear.
I just make myself believe ituntil it's true.
And then I'm pretty good atpicking out things that like my
body.
Speaker 2 (14:21):
So I can, I can finesse it you know that,
because my thing is I'm likegirl going this girl's trip
because you need to time away.
Speaker 4 (14:28):
I like getting out the house yeah, I need some
break but then it's likemiserable.
That's, that's a fact.
I think that's because it's notmy mindset, so yeah, it would
just be a difference.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
But do we truly believe in girl trips?
We want to go.
How long we going forward aboutyour girls?
Speaker 4 (14:43):
We even girls.
Speaker 2 (14:45):
I think you know what I say more, say more, say more.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
I want to do my language off like for 5 days.
I like you, but it's like a no.
Well, that's a long trip.
How long?
Speaker 4 (14:54):
we going for this girl trip.
I mean a weekend like this,like Friday, 3 days.
Speaker 3 (15:00):
Okay, yeah, I want to one in February, and it was
actually very nice how long didyou go?
For it was 5 days, you lovethem.
Speaker 4 (15:08):
That was I really that was your tribe, or that was
a group of?
Speaker 3 (15:11):
girls.
It was a group of girls thatcame together.
We only met on social media andwe all like mutual friends for
5 days for 5 days for 5 days wehad some good time just
worshiping, spending timetogether, getting to know each
other to get to that point,because I was raised with all
women.
Speaker 4 (15:31):
Yeah, it's like you know, we child, so that's why
I'm like I'm going to show upevery day.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
I'm going to meet y'all later.
Yeah, is that what you do, just?
Speaker 1 (15:43):
I'm not going to the festivities, but I've been ready
to go after that.
Speaker 4 (15:47):
Well, that recent girls trip.
I went on.
I thought it was like Mondaythrough Friday and I told them I
was like I'm coming but I'mleaving on Wednesday I was
making me think I was great Okay.
I was actually about to go toall and not go at all, I mean I
mean.
Speaker 3 (16:07):
Yeah it's just like when you're traveling with women
.
You just have to overcommunicate because, like the
expectations, yeah, yeah, I'mbad at that.
Speaker 4 (16:15):
I didn't grow up with a lot of friends, so I'm really
I'm still learning a lot ofyeah, yeah.
Well, I didn't have friendsgoing up.
The spirit is right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,yeah you know what?
Speaker 1 (16:26):
I'm saying it's like you know, most of the time, when
you're around, especially likebeautiful success for women, you
become intimidated as a woman.
You know what I mean.
And then there's certainfemales that make you feel good.
Speaker 4 (16:37):
Yeah, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
She got it together.
She'll make me feel bad aboutmyself.
Yeah, that's the energy you get.
Speaker 4 (16:45):
Thank you, yeah, I love being around.
I'm like I'm not going to bearound.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah , but even like we talked about
the girls, like even thecommunity I know we talk about
that a lot like how important asmothers, you do need to have
that community, like I know,like from the standpoint of,
yeah, like girls can be crazy,but you also don't want to do it
by yourself, like you also wantto be able to if something
happens or you're going througha rough moment, like I want to
(17:11):
have my mom friends because suresomebody there's people that
don't have kids to leave yourkids yeah then you feel mom say
yeah, yeah, so it's like it's a,I think you gotta have.
Speaker 4 (17:22):
My God was just gone last week and, yes, I'm going to
be going to get next week andthat's OK.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
I'll be telling black girl, your kids a little.
This is the time.
This is the time when I have an8 year old son.
He's a.
He's not here for he's not knowlike when you come home it's
like 3 more sleep, 2 more sleep,and I love it, you know, but at
the end of the day is like youknow, I'm single.
Yeah, I work all the time.
Speaker 4 (17:48):
Mama gotta have like two.
Mama gotta have like two.
I'm like to go outside.
Yes, I'm gonna go outside.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
Outside open back up.
Yes, it is so that's what Istruggle most with balance.
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (17:57):
What about you?
Speaker 1 (17:58):
you have multiple kids.
Do you have multiple kids?
Speaker 3 (17:59):
I do, I have two, two boys, two boys Boy, my one and
three, a one and a three rule.
Okay, so like, how do you thebalance of it all is?
Speaker 2 (18:07):
honestly, it's about boundaries for me.
Like I'm like I give my kidsboundaries and then I also
communicate with them, likemommy is doing this, because,
cause I think it's one thing tosay mommy's going out, but like
you have to communicate the why,because it's like teaching them
for when they get older, likethis is what I'm supposed to do,
(18:27):
because again, in our previousculture, our aunties, our
grandmothers and all that stuffthey believed in, like wearing
themselves.
Then I don't believe in that,yeah, cause I can't be depleted,
yeah.
I don't want to, and I don'twant to teach them that, so I
want to make sure that I'mabsolutely like telling them and
showing them more than tellingthem that mommy is doing this
(18:48):
because I need a moment, andwhen I come back I want to be
full, I want to be able to pour,and then we're going to be good
.
Speaker 1 (18:54):
So are we okay with nannies?
Do we let our nannies make usfeel bad?
Speaker 2 (18:58):
Uh-uh, if I could have a nanny right now.
I would have a nanny absolutely, so I had to live in nanny for
a year but I always feel like Ihad to justify it.
Speaker 4 (19:07):
Like I always had to explain, like she was going
through a quarter life crack,like I feel like I have to like
explain so much around itinstead of.
I just needed a nanny so Icould stay sane, cause I was
also working at home.
I was at home and I still had ananny at home and I really felt
like I have to justifyeverything about it to make
sense, and you shouldn't have to.
Speaker 2 (19:27):
I needed it to keep saying I still do it.
Speaker 4 (19:29):
Yeah, even with my babysitter now she's like an
on-call and I still feel like Ihave to say, well, I got her
from the church and she, like Ijust can't say like.
Speaker 2 (19:35):
Always justify it.
Speaker 4 (19:36):
Yeah, I justify it all because I feel like
someone's going to be like sowhy do you need someone Be home?
Speaker 2 (19:42):
I think that's what this space is about, though the
redefinition of what motherhoodis.
Like being able to delegate,being able to say I'm not going
to do all these tasks, I'm notgoing to work all day, then come
home, slave over the stove andthen come and then get my
husband sex, and then I got toget up and then I'm going to go
and do some laundry and fold andthen I'm going to go and put
everything cute little lunchboxes and Cree cucumber
(20:05):
sandwiches, a crust crust likeI'm not doing all that.
Speaker 4 (20:07):
My kids do shit on a chef boy or a D every single
night.
So you know, give you know chefboy or D.
Speaker 2 (20:13):
Is that a spot that you use?
Is that a plug?
Come on, come on.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
I think the bottom line is that we have to learn,
as moms, to give ourselves somegrace.
You have to, you know, because,like you have to learn along
the way to forgive yourself.
You know because it's on thejob training.
Speaker 4 (20:28):
But I say sometimes we know better and we don't do.
But like I know that, like Italk so hard when I'm giving
people advice like do this, dothis, and I'm still sometimes
again feeling it's tough.
Speaker 2 (20:38):
Well, I would say to the person that wrote in that
letter love your body, If youreally.
If you're not there yet, thenit's okay to skip it and do the
work, and do the work, and dothe work.
Speaker 4 (20:49):
Go on, do it yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:50):
Heal yourself.
But if you're ready to get outand go, then enjoy that and
embrace it.
Otherwise you know you got somework to do.
Speaker 1 (21:00):
You'll get invited next year.
Boo, this is not your year.
Stay cool and watch the Netflixgirls, there's a lot of shows.
Yes, it's not yours Well y'all,thank y'all so much.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
Thank you, tamar.
Speaker 4 (21:08):
Oh no, thank you guys , you are amazing, I'm so you
guys are too Nice to have youhere.
Speaker 2 (21:14):
As always, guys, this is our season finale, though.
Really, yeah, it's really, it'sso fast.
Speaker 4 (21:20):
Yeah, that's it.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
We know that's it I see, but that means you know
we're next season.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
What do you want to come back?
Of course you want to come back, for sure, that would be
amazing.
Speaker 2 (21:32):
But no, seriously, thank you so much.
Thank you guys.
We couldn't have ended itbetter.
So you guys make sure that youlike, subscribe, comment and
please be sure to follow us soyou can keep updated with the
next season.
Thank you guys, so much forjoining us.
Hey mom, hey mom, hey mom, heymom, hey mom, hey mom, hey mom,
(21:53):
hey mom, hey mom, hey mom, heymom.
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