December 28, 2023 • 48 mins
Hey Ma! We’re hitting rewind and spotlighting our "MA Top 12" — the standout episodes from our first three seasons of Moms Actually. From October 12 to December 28, don’t miss the moments that defined us. Join us as a we take a trip down memory lane as we prepare for Season 4.
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Are you ready to redefine fatherhood? That’s the question we tackle with the phenomenal Tim Ross, as we unpack the multi-faceted journey of being a dad. Not just any dad, but an involved, intentional, and supportive guide to the little lives we're entrusted with. We converse about:
- The significance of a robust fatherly presence
- The vital role a dad plays in child development
- The reality that the age of the father can impact the child.
- The delicate balance of maintaining his business, nurturing his marriage and being present as a father.
- The importance of staying curious, of seeking context to alleviate frustration
- The evolution of parenthood over time.
- The power of a father's presence that could literally save a child's life.
- Societal expectations
- The importance of being intentional in our actions and communication,
- The often-ignored topic of miscarriages and the significant impact it has on fathers.
★ New Episodes are released on Thursdays on YouTube and Podcast Platforms.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I think the remake should be.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
Hey mom, oh OK, hey, what do you want?
What's up, hey mom?
What's up hey?
Speaker 3 (00:12):
mom, what's up?
Hey mom, what's up?
Hey mom, what's up?
Hello, welcome to Mom's.
Actually, I'm Blair and I'mMorgan and we have the
incomparable Tim Ross with ustoday.
Hey mom Thank you so much, heymom.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Oh, what's up, hey mom, what's happening?
Speaker 3 (00:30):
No, we got a little hey Mom song and you know is her
and her daughter Laila singingour theme song.
I do that's so cute.
Yeah, we did a little play.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Oh, I don't think we should try to like this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we are.
We're playing off the light.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
I think the remake should be.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Hey mom, oh, ok, hey mom.
Hey, when you listen, hey mom.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
Oh, oh, hey mom, so we're just going to strip this
down.
Speaker 3 (00:57):
Yes, we're going to pay you with a thank you.
Yeah, it's all good.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
It's all good yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
I love that.
Well, you know, let's just jumpright into our game.
So every episode, before we getinto the nitty gritty of
conversation, we just do a quicklittle icebreaker.
It's called it's GivingMotherhood, but this one we're
doing a rapid fire.
I'm going to give you somewords.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
Blair's going to give you some words.
First word or phrase that comesto mind is what you say to us.
We're doing it either, or yeah,okay, yes, it is.
She's like is this or that, butyes, it is that, this or that
situation.
Okay, first word that comes tomind is what it is Done and
we're going to go ahead and getstarted.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
Done deal.
Speaker 2 (01:37):
All right, so share your food or order your own.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
Oh, order your own.
Speaker 3 (01:44):
Always Take the fries off your plate.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
Absolutely, you should have got it.
Speaker 3 (01:48):
Okay yeah, toilet paper goes over or under.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
Doesn't matter to me, I have wipes.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
Oh, he said, I have wipes, your buddy ain't clean
unless you have wipes.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
He is the dude wipes Sponsor.
Yeah absolutely.
Speaker 3 (02:00):
Oh, quick sidebar.
You know even flushable wipes,you're not like they're not
clean yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:05):
I know.
Speaker 3 (02:05):
My toilet just got clogged from those.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
Oh, you got to have like Kleenex or something like
that.
Huggies won't do, that'll clogyou in a minute, huggies won't
do.
Yeah, Huggies' wipes will clogeverybody's pipes.
You're such a sister.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
Yeah absolutely Just information.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
if you didn't know, yeah, trying to get people life
hacks.
Speaker 3 (02:19):
Yep Martin or Fresh Prince Martin All right, so is
it Thursday or every day?
Speaker 1 (02:26):
Every day.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
Vacation or staycation.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
Staycation.
I'm going to introvert.
Okay, make plans or wing it.
Make plans always.
Speaker 3 (02:36):
Oh, okay.
So if you go to Disney Worldyou plan in the whole day.
I am the concierge?
Speaker 1 (02:40):
Oh, I will administratively execute
everything that needs to happen.
Speaker 2 (02:47):
Okay, and the whole thing can be paid for before we
leave.
Period, period, period Okay,enjoy right now or prepare for
what's next.
Speaker 1 (02:56):
Enjoy right now Okay.
Speaker 2 (02:59):
Well, in the same way , those are some good, decisive
answers yeah, you didn't evenreally have to think about it.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
Well, for instance, the right answer.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
That's true.
How was your father's day?
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Father's day was dope .
I love being a dad.
I really do, and at the age andstage that my boys are now,
it's a privilege to be a father.
It's a privilege to be able toescort them through manhood.
Yeah, so yeah, I'm enjoyingbeing a daddy.
Speaker 3 (03:31):
Yeah, did you ever like?
I know some women like we dreamof being moms like our whole
life or we don't Like was thatalways something you wanted, and
did you want to father boys, ordid you?
Speaker 1 (03:41):
Yeah, so I always dreamed of being married.
Okay, I wanted to be marriedsince I was eight years old.
Oh, that's not common Betweenmy parents, who have a beautiful
marriage very, verycommunicative.
My dad was a hopeless romanticLike he had a rose garden in the
front yard and he clipped theroses, dethorne them and put
(04:02):
them on the dashboard of mom'scar.
With a little note my mothernever backed her car out of the
driveway in day and her name.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
Rivers.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
And so I saw all of this growing up.
When I was eight years old,between my parents and the
Huxtables, I was like I can'twait to be married, so I've
always wanted to be married.
Kids are just a consequence ofmy love for my wife I was going
to say that, yeah, so yeah, ohno.
Speaker 3 (04:29):
the way you talk about your wife, I think I'm in
love with her too.
Like he is so sweet all thetime to Juliet.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
I sprung on her.
I can tell I love that, yeah,very much so.
Yeah, that's very authentic.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
Speaking of your wife when it came to motherhood, how
did you, what ways did you findto best support her, especially
through pregnancy and thoseearly days of birth and all of
the things, and how did she, ifat all, communicate that she
needed support and help?
Were you already proactive?
Did you feel like?
Speaker 1 (05:04):
I'm very proactive when it just comes to my wife's
needs.
I am, I anticipate needs somuch so embarrassingly, with our
first child, because Juliet hasbeen pregnant five times but we
lost three.
So when Nathan was born,embarrassingly, I actually gave
(05:28):
my wife postpartum depressionbecause I was taking the baby
like no, you sleep through thenight.
I got the baby and did it andshe needed her baby, Right, you
know what I mean.
I was.
She was so sweet and it was ourfirst kid, so you're always
hyper-vigilant with your firstyeah.
By the time the second onecomes, it's like you ain't gonna
(05:50):
die.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
Yeah, you know what I mean.
That second one.
Speaker 1 (05:52):
Yeah, Then pictures fall off 50%, everything you
like that.
Speaker 3 (05:57):
No diaper bag, you just throw it in your first
everything's fine.
Speaker 1 (06:00):
But with the first my mother had to call me and be
like will you please give it?
Speaker 3 (06:05):
Can she hold your baby?
You give her baby back.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
She was like you are giving her depression.
I was like I'm so sorry, so Ihad to learn.
You know the rhythm in eachstage of where she needed to
lead and then where I needed tosupport.
Speaker 3 (06:22):
What do you think you needed during those days?
I think we often talk about,like what moms need during that
time, but no one really asksabout the dad, like they'll talk
about what the dad's not doingor what he should be doing.
Yeah, so what do you say to amom, whether it's their first or
third child?
Like what do you?
What support do you wish youhad?
What do you wish you were ableto do?
Speaker 1 (06:44):
Yeah, I can't speak for all men, but I know for
myself that first child changesyou, your brain kind of switches
and you're like I need tosupport in a different way.
I'm not just thinking about mywife anymore, I'm thinking about
my wife and my child, and so Ihad a lot of fears that were not
(07:11):
articulated at first.
I felt them but I didn't havewords for them.
But I have therapists and Ialways process, so I was able to
be able to unpack that, findthe language for it and then
bring it home to my wife and sayhere's what I'm feeling right
now Having this baby terrifiesme.
You know, what I mean.
I don't know how I'm going tosupport this whole thing.
(07:34):
I don't know.
I'm already thinking aboutcollege.
I was not in the moment of like, let's just take one day at a
time.
I'm like, how are we going topay for this kid?
College is expensive and maybethey just be an athlete and get
out my pocket.
I was projecting a lot.
So again for me, if it doesn'tcome up and out through words,
(07:55):
it will come up and out throughactions.
Speaker 3 (07:56):
Yeah, somehow.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Yeah, so I'm big on getting my feelings into words
because then I can have contextto what they are and then
navigate them better.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
I think that's a really good tip, because I've
had a lot of moms come to me andthey'll ask me, like what was
your experience with your spouse?
Because sometimes they don'tknow how to communicate and
articulate and it seems likethey don't care or they don't
understand.
And I had to tell them.
I don't think that it's thatthey don't understand or that
they don't care.
I think they're just processingso much internally.
(08:26):
Oh for sure, and they don'tknow how to say I'm scared.
Speaker 1 (08:29):
Yeah absolutely.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
I think it's so good to hear that from a male
perspective, though, because alot of women truly don't get it,
and then they feel like nowwe're arguing about something
that's not really an argument,right that's not even the issue.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 3 (08:45):
Yeah, that's a lot of the times I say and then we
also, and that's due topostpartum not even depression,
just postpartum.
We tend to push you guys awaytoo, because we want things our
way, like the diapers this way,or you got to burp them, like
everything, so then we canaccidentally just push you guys
away from bonding in that waytoo.
Speaker 1 (09:07):
Yeah, one of the things that motherhood does to
the dad is I'm speaking formyself again.
I watched my child, who I love,feel your wife, take my wife.
When he was on the breast I waspissed.
Speaker 3 (09:30):
Are you a fool?
I'm like.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
I'm gonna go back for them.
Speaker 3 (09:34):
Like.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
You know what I mean and you in the bed with her more
than.
Speaker 3 (09:38):
I am right now.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
You cut her up, you know what I mean I'm losing
spooning time.
I'm losing cuddle time.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
I'm losing all the time and I had to actually
grieve the loss of my wife inthat way.
For a season I was gonna gether back, but for a season I had
to grieve in more in the lossof that, or else I was really
gonna set up some resentment andbe like oh you putting him in
(10:04):
front of me.
Speaker 2 (10:06):
And when that's not the case, and we're not even
thinking in that way, becausewe're still in a follow up?
Speaker 1 (10:11):
Yeah, absolutely, your bodies are going through
changes.
Speaker 3 (10:15):
And then we're like you even want to be around us.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
Yeah, you don't even think, oh, please Listen, listen
, Listen what my kids did to mywife's body.
I wanted her more so.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
I was not running away from her.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
I was on the tour.
I'm like, can you sleep?
Speaker 2 (10:33):
over there yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:34):
Just take a nap for an hour and just give me my wife
for a minute.
So it's an adjustment and myreminder, my encouragement to
fathers would be this is just aseason.
My encouragement to motherswould be this is just a season.
It can be a tax season,especially when you start having
kids back to back, but it'sonly a season and when that
(10:56):
season shifts you can get backinto a rhythm and prioritize the
relationship.
Speaker 3 (11:01):
But that's what I was going to ask Is it just a
season Like does your marriageever go back to what it was
pre-kids?
Like you've been throughseveral different phases now of
being a father, so it's like howhas that affected your marriage
through different stages ofyour children's lives?
Speaker 1 (11:15):
So prioritization is very, very key.
My earliest memories ofrealizing that my parents loved
each other way more than theyloved us is when I turned 13,.
My parents handed us a $20 billand said we bought you awesome
frozen dinners.
This is enough money for pizza.
(11:37):
They left on Friday and cameback on Sunday and didn't tell
us where they were going.
Now this is back in the days oflandlines.
Yeah.
They handed us a $20 on Fridayand said don't let that phone
ring three times without youanswering it.
We bet not hear no other peoplein this house.
We're leaving for the weekendand we were like where are you
going?
Don't worry about where we'regoing, don't call us, we'll call
(11:58):
you.
Speaker 3 (11:59):
We couldn't even call you.
Speaker 1 (12:00):
We found out years later.
They were going to the embassysuites down the street Stagation
, but they were literallyprioritizing their marriage and
they were not going to allowkids to become the excuse of why
they don't date and why theydon't still don't have time
together, they don't romanceeach other.
So I learned from a very earlyage, looking at my own parents,
(12:22):
that oh yeah, y'all joke.
Is y'all going to be all right?
Bring the mother-in-law overhere, get the sister-in-law.
I have no shame in havingsomebody come babysit these kids
because I want to go out withmy wife.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
And I was going to say that I was going to ask
practically, because I know wealso have so many moms who have
younger children that follow usand watch this.
They're going to askimmediately well, what is the
solution for when my kids areyounger?
And I know it's like okay, havesomebody come over, but is
there any other?
Especially for our singleparents?
(12:55):
Is there something else thatthey could do to just try to?
Maybe it's somebody thatthey're seriously dating or
whatever the case may be thatit's not maybe leaving for a
weekend, but are there practicalthings, maybe throughout the
week, that you guys do?
Speaker 1 (13:09):
Oh, absolutely.
So when the kids were really,really young, we used all of
their bedtime.
It made us had very shortnights, right, we're only
sleeping four or five hoursanyway.
Well, if that's the case, whenyou put these kids down, we're
going to watch a show, we'regoing to have a conversation,
we're going to order sometakeout and nobody cooking, and
we just go and look at eachother and talk and woo-woo until
(13:32):
we either fall asleep.
If we get sex, great.
If we don't get it, we just goand spoon tonight and then
somebody going to have to get upat this baby in the morning at
two or three o'clock in themorning, feed put him back to
sleep.
But the intentionality is key,Whether you get away or you just
still away four or five hours.
Get the time in Because, again,it's only seasonal and you'll
(13:56):
be able to make thoseadjustments as the kids continue
to grow.
Speaker 3 (13:58):
And that's why kids' bedtime are important.
Speaker 2 (14:00):
Oh they are.
Speaker 3 (14:01):
They're very important.
The one thing I don't playabout is a bedtime.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
It's eight o'clock, and then when we want to spend
time together.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
It's like seven.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
Yeah, yeah, six, six, thirty seven that's when my
life starts, but I'm not tired,I don't care.
You can talk to Jesus, you cantalk to yourself, but you're not
going to talk to us.
Yeah, yeah, and don't come outthe room unless you have to pee.
Speaker 3 (14:21):
We got a gate, we got a lighted clock you do have
that gate You're not coming outof here.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
I love it.
Speaker 3 (14:28):
I just like after three months my kids don't get
in my bed and nothing like that.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
They have their own room, oh absolutely.
Speaker 3 (14:33):
I don't play with any of that, and I think even
outside of marriage, just so Ican have my time.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
Yeah, absolutely.
It's very, very important notto lose yourself.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
Now, you're a pretty busy man, psych.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
I'm really not.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
But how would you, what would you say to a father
who is trying to really balance,like being active but also
trying to be a provider andtrying to make sure that he's
taking care of home withoutfeeling overwhelmed?
Because I think, you know,males they have a one-track mind
a little bit and sometimes it'shard to say, oh wait, I need to
(15:12):
stop and, you know, actuallypay attention to my child.
Like, what does that look likefor you?
Speaker 1 (15:18):
Yeah, so I do have a one-track mind.
I think the advice I would givea man wired like me is you have
to know the length of thesetracks.
So if I have a one-track mindwhen it comes to work, how long
is the length of this track asit relates to work?
Is it two miles?
Is it seven miles?
Is it 20 miles?
When does it end?
(15:38):
The only time a track, aone-track mind, gets into a
problematic situation is whenthere is no ending.
So I need to know when thistrain stops so I can get off it
and get on the next train.
And sometimes those stopshappen and I got to get off
right here, get on this trainand then get back on the other
(15:59):
train.
So I've never been in a rhythmwhere except when I was
depressed that my kids thoughtmy daddy's not around or he's
here, but he's not here he won'tput down his phone, he doesn't
look me in the eye.
I have intentional time.
(16:20):
I've always had intentionaltime with my boys.
Friday's his boy day.
We have devotion every nightbefore they go to bed as a
family, and so there's time foreverything, as long as you
schedule it.
You make time for what you careabout you make time for what you
care about, and if you careabout it it's going on the
(16:41):
calendar.
If you don't care about it,then it's like if I get around
to it and I'm never gonna getaround to my wife and I'm never
gonna get around to my kids.
You have bandwidth foreverything, as long as you
schedule it.
Speaker 3 (16:58):
That makes sense, man .
How has fatherhood evolved youas a man, who you were 10, 11
years ago?
Your oldest is.
Speaker 1 (17:08):
Yeah, my oldest is 14 .
Speaker 3 (17:09):
14.
Yeah, he'll be 15.
Speaker 1 (17:11):
I have a 15 year old and a 13 year old this year.
Speaker 3 (17:13):
How old you were, who you were 15 years ago versus
now.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
Yeah, I'm way more settled.
So Juliette and I had our kidsin our 30s, not in our 20s.
Speaker 3 (17:26):
Have your kid, that's all.
My unsolicited advice is don'thave kids till you 30 plus.
Live your life, live your life.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
Your brain is much more settled right Cause
psychology says your brain isn'tfully developed until you're
about 25.
So I had my first one at 33, mysecond one at 35, and I was
just a different person by thattime.
And when the boys came out, I'mlike, yeah, these are little
humans.
They're trying, and because Ihad done so much therapy for my
(17:57):
trauma, I was just able to seemy little boys for who they are.
They're little human beingstrying to figure it out.
They're sitcoms older than them.
Why do I expect them to bemature in this situation?
Why do I expect them to knowwhat I know?
They're nine right Even now,going to be 15 and going to be
13,.
I look at them and I'm likey'all are dumb.
(18:19):
Y'all are really dumb.
Like you know, most parentswant to be like they look
straight into their.
Speaker 3 (18:25):
I got to, I got to give you that.
I understand, I understand.
The bumper sticker my kids areon a roadstool, your kid's dumb.
Yeah, just because they canlearn some school stuff.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
Just because they know how to wrote math and
division and write an essaydoesn't mean they know how to
clean their room.
After the 19th time that youtold them.
Speaker 3 (18:46):
I would say the most important thing to me is my
children know how to think Like.
The other stuff is bonus, but Ineed them to know how.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
They just know how to think and they don't know.
We homeschool our kids.
We can talk, yeah.
Yeah, I'm like I don't trustBecause we're disciple makers,
like by default, right, so I donot trust that they were gonna
have our values after five years.
Now I know everybody's not inthat situation to be able to do
that.
I'm a product of the publicschool system, but what I tell
people is that I was private.
(19:11):
I was publicly homeschooled,right, I went to school and then
my mom will become home in theevening.
Speaker 3 (19:17):
My mom was like now.
Let me tell you.
Speaker 2 (19:19):
What it really is.
What it really is.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (19:21):
They didn't even teach you this right.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
Yes, yes.
Speaker 1 (19:23):
So for my boys, they're being exposed to their
world right.
We have conversations with themevery night and they tell them
about, you know, young Vaughn,king Vaughn and NLE Choppa, and
you know, triple X Extention.
Speaker 3 (19:38):
And I'm like do you know?
Speaker 2 (19:40):
I think we both dance in that.
Speaker 1 (19:41):
I'm like two thirds of y'all's rappers got murdered.
Speaker 2 (19:43):
Yeah, it was just pocking biggie for us.
Speaker 3 (19:45):
Everybody else survived.
Yeah, everybody did, it wasslaughtered by the time they
were 22, young Doth dead.
Everybody did right.
Speaker 1 (19:51):
Yeah, so, but we make intentional time to be in their
world.
Speaker 3 (19:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
And we're learning if we just shut up.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:01):
If we stop talking, they'll tell us everything.
That's true.
They just need to know if we'relistening.
Yeah, and so we're like go onand they're like yeah then this
daddy and then that daddy.
I'm like, I'm just getting intoit.
Speaker 3 (20:13):
I used to tell myself all the time as a kid.
Speaker 2 (20:17):
That's right.
It's something about raisingboys too, because it's already
such a expectation.
Just like it's an expectationfrom women and mothers, there's
an expectation for males and youhave two boys and we're in a
different generation and whatthey're exposed to and all of
the things, and I think it'seven like we are very it's easy
(20:39):
to try and project, and so Ieven I heard you say, like your
trauma you were already healedfrom.
You know certain things, butwhat if you weren't?
Do you feel like there areplenty of fathers out there that
aren't healed because theydidn't have that therapy Almost
90%, yeah, like it's way moreout there that don't have your
(21:01):
story, but you were there.
Like what advice would you giveto that part of yourself?
Because there are a lot of men,I think, out there who need to
hear that part and still have toparent through.
Speaker 1 (21:13):
Yeah, for sure, like what does that look like?
Yeah, I encourage all men tolike get to the epicenter of
your wound, right.
Don't just address the symptom.
Go to the root, right.
If you have a code and I handyou Kleenex, I'm not helping you
.
I'm giving you something foryour symptom.
I'm not helping you end thesource, which is the virus.
(21:37):
I remember being so.
My kids are upper middle class.
They bougie, okay.
Speaker 3 (21:44):
I'm from the hood.
I'm from Inglewood, okay.
Speaker 1 (21:46):
My kids are not.
They don't know what a hoodlooks like.
Speaker 3 (21:51):
They've heard about it in songs, right, but I have
taken them to the hood just tolet them know who y'all want to
be.
Did you disappear or you justno?
No, I Like go around the cornerlike y'all by the angle.
Speaker 1 (22:04):
I asked them.
I said would you feelcomfortable if I let y'all out
and walk the couple of blocks?
They said no, daddy, pleasedon't.
I said okay, but we were inTurks and Caicos.
That's how bougie we are, saidmy parents, never right.
Speaker 3 (22:17):
Like we were in Turks and Caicos, right, that has
never happened.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
We went to Disney for a day when we drove home right.
So we're in Turks and Caicosfor like a month, right.
Speaker 2 (22:28):
And we're in a house we have a chef and a buntler
okay.
Speaker 1 (22:33):
And we're sitting at a table and there's three
generations sitting at the tablemy mother-in-law, me and my
wife, my wife and I and my twoboys.
Two of these three generationshave never been here before this
last generation.
This is their normal.
And what I had to do in thatmoment?
(22:54):
I literally had to thought Tim,do not mess this up for your
sons by opening your mouth andsaying you know, we didn't have
this growing up.
Ah, you need to appreciate this.
Speaker 2 (23:07):
Yes, because we never had nothing like this my
grandparents never had
Speaker 1 (23:10):
look.
Speaker 2 (23:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:13):
Don't project what you didn't have or the lack of
what you didn't have to mess upwhat is their normal.
Your ancestors paid for them tobe at this table.
Speaker 2 (23:25):
Right.
Speaker 1 (23:26):
My parents paid for them to be at this table.
I worked hard for them to be atthis table.
Now I'm gonna guilt them atthis table.
So if I don't do my own work,I'm not even aware enough to
catch myself, and so myencouragement to fathers is do
the work, because you can passoff a bunch of anger and
(23:48):
resentment to your kids,thinking that you're toughening
them up.
Oh gosh, especially boys yeahespecially boys, and really
you're just putting them in linefor your therapist.
Speaker 3 (23:58):
Right.
Speaker 1 (24:00):
Right.
So I want them to go to therapyfor different stuff.
I don't want them to go forthis, you know.
Speaker 3 (24:04):
I would say all our kids are gonna end up in therapy
because it's healthy.
Speaker 1 (24:07):
First of, all they need to be in therapy.
Speaker 3 (24:09):
But there's always gonna be something.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
It is, I'm gonna miss something.
But I want to be aware of asmuch as I can.
Exactly.
Yeah, yeah, for sure.
Speaker 3 (24:17):
No, that's really good, yeah.
So what do you say to fathers?
Because, you know, there'salways the thing where, like
when the kids are young, a lotof fathers are like okay, the
mom got that, I'm gonna.
When they get to the fun age,that's where I'm gonna like show
up and like now, like be theactive, yeah, when they can play
basketball, like what is beingan active father?
Speaker 1 (24:38):
An active father is an action father, right Like.
What we know about God is thathe loved the world so much he
gave.
He didn't say yeah.
He gave something.
It was an action behind it, andso I'll never forget both of my
kids.
I used to talk to them throughthe womb and I'll never forget.
(25:03):
I was over the doctor'sshoulder when both my babies
came out of my wife's womb right.
I cut the umbilical cord andthen I said Nathan and then I.
He went to looking for me.
No, uh, my God.
My eyes went to looking for me.
They've heard my voice sincebefore they came out their
(25:23):
mother's womb and my voice hasbeen constant.
They get words of affirmationfrom me every single night.
If I'm away, facetime ishappening.
They know they're going to hearfrom their father.
So the intentionality ofensuring that my love is
(25:45):
actionable right, it's not justin word, it has to be.
Indeed, my daddy was there.
My daddy shows up.
My daddy canceled stuff to behere.
You know what I mean.
That is like an important thing.
Yeah, that's really good.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
What does it look like in marriage?
Like so you have the kids, youhave your marriage, you're
prioritizing it, all the thingsright.
But it's also not alwaysamazing, like there are times
where you know the business oflife or just the ebbs and flows
of things, and I know as womenwe go through our own challenges
(26:25):
and journeys and it's notalways lining up with our spouse
, like what does that look likeand how do you support, if
anything?
Or come to a middle ground,because sometimes it could
almost feel like a businesspartnership.
Oh, it sure can.
That's a good one.
If you don't, you know likewhat, how….
Speaker 3 (26:46):
Especially when you actually work together.
Oh, for sure, yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:50):
For sure.
Speaker 3 (26:51):
I mean that happens regardless, but once you….
Speaker 1 (26:53):
Yeah.
So yeah, we're, julia and I arein that situation now with our
LLC.
We're, we're, we do businesstogether, and so we have to have
lines of demarcation of when isbusiness and when it's not.
Like I will cut it off in aminute.
Like she's ready to talkbusiness and it's like, oh no,
(27:14):
that stopped at six, it's seventhirty.
Speaker 2 (27:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:18):
That has to wait till tomorrow.
Yeah, thank you.
Thank you for reminding me,because my wife is half Jamaican
, so that Jamaican side hasthirteen jobs.
Speaker 2 (27:27):
Yeah, okay.
Speaker 1 (27:29):
By herself.
She got thirteen before we evenget to our business together.
So I'm very intentional aboutwe have a cutoff for this.
We're not talking aboutbusiness, no more.
When you talk about those timeswhere it's like you know what,
we're just not connecting, I getcurious about that, right.
I want to know where is ourdisconnect?
(27:52):
What are you feeling right now?
Because communication canmitigate frustration.
If I have context, I'm good.
If I don't have context, I'mnot good.
The B clause of Proverbs fouror seven is literally like my
life mantra, right, wisdom isthe principal thing.
(28:13):
Therefore, get wisdom with allthat.
Get and get an understanding.
So I live by this mantra thatcontext is king.
I want to be a homicidedetective.
I'm used to figuring out themotive behind the murder.
That's what I'm trained to do.
So whenever there's adisconnect, I just want to know
what caused this?
Where did we get off?
(28:34):
And once we get that into wordsand I have context, I'm like,
okay, cool, we can float aroundthis.
Now I'm not pissed with youWalking around like, oh, so you
ain't going to talk, right,because there's a little bit of
a petty Eddie in the inside ofme.
I got a.
You know he needs to be slayed,but I can do that with
(28:54):
curiosity because, you cannot beoffended and curious at the
same time.
Speaker 3 (28:58):
That's a good point.
Speaker 1 (29:00):
So stay curious.
Stay curious on the days whereit just seems off you off with
your spouse, you off withyourself, you off with the kids.
I mean, you go from two tothree, three to four.
However many kids you have,you're increasing the
probability and possibility thatsomeone's going to wake up on
(29:20):
the wrong side of the bed.
That's not an issue.
Let's just get context to whathappened today.
Speaker 3 (29:25):
What we feeling today Something about that.
Yeah, you know what I mean Arewe hypoglycemic?
Speaker 1 (29:29):
You know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (29:30):
Did you only get three hours of sleep?
Speaker 1 (29:33):
Did I say something?
Speaker 3 (29:34):
yesterday.
Speaker 2 (29:36):
You went to bed and woke up and brooded on it all
night and got up like I wasready to go.
Speaker 1 (29:40):
Yeah, you ready.
You know what I mean.
I'm ready to clap back.
Good morning, I was thinkingabout that all night, all night
to think about it.
Speaker 2 (29:47):
You got the shower like let's go.
Speaker 1 (29:48):
Let's go.
So getting context will helpkind of mitigate that.
Yeah, doesn't mean thefrustration disappears, but at
least you're not like I don'tknow where this is coming from.
So I always check in withJuliet.
Yeah, I always check in.
Where are you right now?
How am I doing?
As a husband?
I hate asking that questionbecause I'm inviting an answer
(30:10):
that I might not want, but Icheck in.
I'd be like am I doing?
Okay, yeah, and if I am, I'mlike, and she'd be like I'm so
glad you mentioned that.
So just be curious.
Speaker 3 (30:21):
Yeah, we would sometimes say we probably should
have got more consistent withit.
But how can I love you better,Like at the end of the day?
Yes, then it comes in a safespace.
Speaker 1 (30:29):
Yeah, absolutely Like in the moment.
Yeah, you're being invited intoit as opposed to the person
going like man.
I got to tell you aboutyourself because you don't see
yourself.
Speaker 3 (30:36):
Exactly, and especially if, like, the rest of
the day went well, it's like,okay, I can't bring this up and
start an argument, but then it'sgoing to come into the next one
.
That's exactly right.
Speaker 1 (30:44):
That's exactly right.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3 (30:48):
I have a question kind of brings us back a little
bit, but you mentioned your.
Well, I'll say both of you lostthree babies.
How do you support your wifethrough that?
Because I feel like a lot ofthe times, like men, because
they're so practical, they canmove on while we still have the
hormones in us, first of all,and then have had the experience
.
So how did you guys get throughthat?
Speaker 1 (31:09):
Well, that first one was devastating because I had
baby fever, like I wanted a baby.
She was not ready and so I'mlike, can we get a dog?
And she's like fool you travelso much, I'm going to take care
of this dog.
Speaker 3 (31:22):
So we ain't even getting a dog.
Speaker 1 (31:23):
I'm like, okay, I just want a little Paris Elton
dog.
Some hyper allergenic she'slike no fool, you ain't getting
it Because I'm going to betaking care of this dog while
you're on the road right.
So then she just came off birthcontrol and surprised me Like
she just got pregnant and didn'ttell me she was already going
to the doctor and so we werealready past the third trimester
(31:45):
and it was like, oh, like.
And then she told me afterthree months, like now her body
was already like changing.
But I just thought, oh, yougetting thick and all the right
Like that booty is just toostrong, I'm a little bit
unawares.
We're very aware.
Speaker 2 (32:02):
It's like you don't know what you're wearing.
They're like oh, look at thebooty.
Speaker 1 (32:08):
Oh, and then breasts.
Hey, this is beautiful girl.
And then she just came home oneday.
When I came home one day, shewas just like I'm pregnant and I
started and she was like I'malready three months, it'll be
good and I'm balling.
We went to, we rented this thegovernor suite, I'll never
(32:30):
forget it at the Omni Mandalayand we had our closest friends
there and we shared it with themand it was all good.
And then we went to the nextcheckup and there was no
heartbeat and it was like no,there's got to be a mistake,
(32:51):
right.
And we started believing Godand slanging oil and doing all
the things, right, that we knowto do, that, we learned to do
that, we were taught to do, andwent back again.
No heartbeat and because ofwhere the progression was, the
baby didn't come out on its ownand so they had to do a DNC.
(33:12):
And then my wife thought shewas getting an abortion in her
mind and like I'm giving upfaith if I let you go in here
and take this baby out.
And it was bad, like, when Itell you, devastating.
We went straight to thetherapist and cried it out and
(33:33):
yelled it out, and processed itout and released balloons and
did all the stuff, but it wasthat was devastating.
Like the first one wasdevastating and like my MDR
therapist is always telling meto pay attention to my body.
(33:55):
So even doing that just lets meknow that thing hurt.
And I did stand up comedy fortwo years.
So because of the trauma Iendured as a child, I actually
had comedy before I had Jesus.
I had comedy before I had porn.
I had comedy before I hadanything.
(34:16):
So one day now my trigger alert.
This ain't everybody'sexperience, so some things can
trigger other people.
Other people can handle it.
I'm just telling you whathappened in our marriage and how
we moved on.
So one day we were in the houseand I'm like I'm glad we lost
(34:45):
that baby and Juliet was likewhat?
And I said I'm glad we lostthat baby.
I said that baby only had onejob Stay alive If that.
Joker couldn't do that imaginewhat we would have gave birth to
.
That would have been the latestbaby in the whole world.
Speaker 2 (35:08):
Oh my god.
Speaker 1 (35:10):
First out laughing.
Speaker 3 (35:12):
Now I know trigger alert.
I know this ain't everybody'sthing.
Speaker 1 (35:14):
Somebody probably crying right now.
I'm just telling you whathappened.
Speaker 3 (35:17):
I said that's going to be the laziest baby that we
ever gave birth to.
Speaker 1 (35:21):
I said that Joker needed to just go on to heaven.
Speaker 3 (35:23):
I thought you were going to get some deep answer.
I always say my firstmiscarriage like that baby did
his job and helped our marriageand like it served its purpose.
Speaker 2 (35:31):
Oh, my god, I literally can't breathe.
Speaker 1 (35:35):
This is the easiest your life is going to be, and
you couldn't even stay in thewomb.
Get out of here and get out.
Speaker 2 (35:43):
They did, and so we just said OK and get out.
They did so.
We left Sir, I'm sweating.
Speaker 1 (35:52):
And that was part of our healing yeah, and we moved
on.
Speaker 3 (35:55):
Let me tell you what happened.
We had Nathan.
Speaker 1 (35:59):
And we got pregnant again with the third one.
Speaker 3 (36:01):
Another lazy baby.
Another lazy baby.
You know what?
Speaker 1 (36:04):
Julia came out.
Julia came out and said anotherlazy one.
And this is the way that weprocessed it Right, it was, and
my process is different, rightSome people have to.
Speaker 3 (36:16):
That's why I got to marry the right one for you,
yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:18):
Listen, I told another couple this and she said
I ought to divorce you on thespot.
I said I understand, I get it.
Yeah, but for us, like, that'sthe way we needed to process,
like for us it made sense, likethat first one was devastating
and we did name the first one.
(36:39):
We named the first one, uh,pharese Pharese means breaker.
We felt like that was the onethat broke through and made
Nathan possible.
Yeah, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (36:49):
I think about that too.
I'm like without thatmiscarriage I wouldn't have
noble yeah, and I can't imaginenot having noble, and when God
gives you your babies, he givesyou amnesia.
Speaker 1 (37:00):
It's not that you don't experience that loss
anymore, but you don't feel itbecause the joy of that one that
made it.
And so, um, yeah, that was ourprocess.
Speaker 2 (37:11):
What did your faith look like during that process?
Speaker 1 (37:15):
Because before you got, to the joke.
I was, um, I was really likediscouraged.
I wasn't mad at God, you know.
Some people were like ugh, Iwas just really discouraged.
I was like, did I do something?
And then?
(37:35):
And then, um, all my traumastarted flaring up, always
because of all of my promiscuityin the past and it's because of
my, it's because of my pornaddiction that I had and it's
because of the like I started,like I was in a really dark, All
the stuff you just already diedon the process.
Yeah it was all on me yeah.
I was punishing myself Becauseit's control yeah yeah, it's
control.
If we did it, we can fix it.
(37:55):
Yeah, yeah, exactly, and it'slike you know what.
You know the people that havegone through the same thing.
And then you talked to I can'ttell you how many couples we've
talked to.
It's like it was almost like wetalked to more couples that
lost children.
Speaker 2 (38:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (38:10):
Even stillborns, like we have a dear friend.
Nine months had to push thatbaby out.
Speaker 3 (38:18):
Right, it's a ridiculously common.
It is, but nobody talks aboutit.
Nobody talks about it, andthat's what makes it seem rare,
yeah.
Speaker 1 (38:26):
That's what makes every couple things.
I'm the only one that's everbeen through this because, nope,
too many people edit theirtestimonies, and the editing of
testimonies doesn't give peoplea full picture of how God
navigates you through life.
He never said it was going tobe dandelions and roses, and you
(38:48):
know what I mean skippingthrough a field of lilies.
Speaker 2 (38:52):
He just said he'd be with you through it all, no
matter what you went through.
Speaker 1 (38:56):
Right, good, bad or indifferent, but we learned a
lot about what other people weregoing through and we have
friends that can't conceive,have believed.
God's 17, 18, 19 years duringtheir 50s and their tubes won't
(39:17):
allow for, and all they everprayed for was a child.
So when you think about moms,actually, yeah, you got moms who
have actually given birth, momswho have actually lost children
and moms who have that spiritbut haven't actually been able
(39:42):
to hold that child, and we haveto embrace all the whole
spectrum of mothers goingthrough all of those things.
That's good.
Speaker 3 (39:53):
I started to talk about my miscarriage a lot
because I was just like once Irealized, every time I talked
about it, someone was like oh,me too.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
I was like this is ridiculous.
Speaker 3 (40:02):
I never wanted anybody to feel like how I
initially felt, so I was like itgets weird because people are
like, oh my God, I'm fine, yeah,exactly.
Because, I'm really am fine,but it's like I just talk about
it because other people aren'tfine, but they've never been
able to talk about it becausethey don't want to make it
awkward for other people.
That's right and it's not.
It's not.
Speaker 1 (40:19):
It doesn't have to be .
Speaker 2 (40:21):
I have one last question.
What is the thing that you wantyour boys to model after you
the most?
Speaker 1 (40:29):
My love for God.
Well, I'm going to say twothings my love for God and my
love for their mother.
That's what I saw from my dad.
They'll be married 49 yearsthis year.
It'll be 24 for Juliette and I,and if God keeps saw healthy
(40:49):
and alive, next year is their50th.
Our 25th, we're renewing ourvows.
Oh, I saw that, yeah.
Speaker 3 (40:56):
And people will be hating on your marriage.
I saw one post saying we'relike we staying together.
I don't know what.
Why y'all?
Speaker 1 (41:01):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's some people that whenyou talk about a successful
marriage in a culture where over50% in the divorce they're like
you're next, like you ain'tgoing to stay married.
Speaker 2 (41:13):
You go projecting?
Yeah, yeah, you're wife.
Speaker 1 (41:16):
You're going to get real and all that kind of stuff.
You say that now, but you gotto get your heart broken and
somebody about to get cheated on.
Y'all going to wind up in adivorce.
I'm going to just hold thisclip for when your divorce takes
place and I'm like oh for sure.
Wow, their comment sections arereckless.
Speaker 3 (41:32):
See, I don't read the comments, even on other
people's stuff.
Yeah, it's just like this.
Speaker 1 (41:36):
Yeah, I don't read comments, because and I don't
read comments and some of thatstuff just gets to you.
Speaker 2 (41:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (41:44):
And it gets to you.
You're just like oh, people areso sad.
Yeah, it's like mean tweets.
Speaker 3 (41:48):
That's how I feel about bad comments People hurt
people yeah, they do.
Speaker 1 (41:51):
They do, and so they haven't seen.
Everybody hasn't had thepicture that we've had, and so
they can't even conceive it.
Yeah, and that's a really badway to live.
Yeah, yeah, so.
Speaker 3 (42:04):
Wow, is there anything you would like to say
to men, to fathers, anything youwant to leave them with,
anything they should take awayfrom you being here?
Speaker 1 (42:16):
I heard a sociologist say a couple of weeks ago that
a father's role in the child'slife is so important.
When you have a mother and afather that child's success rate
is like 66% higher than thosethat are raised with single moms
(42:40):
.
If there is a break in thatrelationship, if the child is
with the father, they have thesame identical success rate with
a single father that they havewith a mother and a father.
Speaker 3 (42:56):
Ooh, he about to get some single moms.
Wow, a little tight.
Speaker 1 (43:04):
Wow, I can't speak for the deadbeat dad.
Speaker 3 (43:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (43:10):
What I am encouraging fathers to understand is that
their voice is incrediblyimportant.
I was born in Inglewood,california.
I was labeled at risk by thetime I was in sixth grade.
My older brother founded a gangin LA.
Wow, and by all statisticalmeasures I was supposed to be
(43:32):
next.
I was more afraid of my daddy'sbelt than I was the do's on the
block and I am the man that Iam today is because I had a
present father in my life.
So my encouragement to fathersis be present, because you could
be saving your child's life.
(43:54):
Literally saving his or her life.
Speaker 3 (43:57):
I know we're supposed to leave it there, but your
father, so your brother, had thesame father.
Speaker 1 (44:03):
Yes, no, no.
His father died.
His father was killed.
So my older I am the first oneof my father, the second of my
mother.
Okay, my older brother's 10years older than me.
Speaker 3 (44:13):
Okay, I was going to ask how you know that me.
Okay, yeah, that's good to know.
Speaker 1 (44:17):
I got to give you one more stat though.
Speaker 3 (44:19):
Oh, I'm sick of it.
This one is juicy.
Speaker 1 (44:21):
Okay, so I'm a girl who is raised with a father and
that relationship is goodPhysiologically develop slower
(44:42):
than a girl that does not have afather.
Oh wow, she does not blossom.
That makes sense.
Quote unquote, because shealready has a man.
And so her body doesn't have todevelop because she's like.
Speaker 2 (44:56):
I don't need I think about myself.
I'm like I think about myself.
Speaker 3 (44:59):
I was glad it's aboard for the longest time, so
I got I, I, I coasted on this.
That's hilarious.
Speaker 1 (45:05):
They, they.
They don't have that 13 yearold.
You know what I mean Lookinglike she 21.
Speaker 3 (45:11):
Your body is in reacting to the body.
Speaker 1 (45:14):
Yeah, Because the body is not.
The body is not saying I needthe attention of a man because I
want to be loved by a man, andso a daughter that has a present
father physiologically developslater than a young woman.
That doesn't.
I just think it's a cool statfor dudes.
Daddies are important Foreverybody.
Speaker 2 (45:31):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (45:32):
Yeah, daddies are important.
Speaker 3 (45:34):
Wow, I think it's wild that, like men know that, I
think not that, but men knowthat they're important.
Fathers know that they'reimportant, but then sometimes
they retraumatize their kidsthrough their trauma.
That's correct.
They want sons and then theydon't show up for their sons
Absolutely.
They want children, but thenthey don't show up and because
of their trauma or what have you?
And then they retraumatize.
(45:54):
That's the importance oftherapy.
Speaker 1 (45:56):
Yeah, it is.
Speaker 3 (45:57):
Community and everything, because you can't
break generational like we'regiving it to our kids.
Otherwise that's correct.
Speaker 1 (46:04):
Yeah, the most extravagant gift that I
currently give to my sons is ahealed heart.
Speaker 2 (46:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (46:13):
Like I'm not fathering them from pain.
You know what I mean.
I'm not projecting whathappened in my life onto them.
They get to grow and make theirmistakes and all that kind of
stuff, and then when they messup, I'm quick to put them back
in line.
So it's incumbent on poor mento do their work so that they
(46:34):
can be good for themselves, goodfor their wives and good for
their children.
Speaker 3 (46:39):
That's good, that's really good To be Wow.
Speaker 2 (46:43):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 3 (46:44):
Yes, honesty.
Speaker 2 (46:45):
The first male to ever be on mom's action yeah to
ever.
Speaker 3 (46:50):
I literally screamed when you agreed to be.
Speaker 2 (46:52):
She did.
I've never heard her be audiblein that way.
Speaker 3 (46:54):
She thought it was somebody else because I don't do
stuff like that.
Did you just scream?
You were like Lauren, was thatyou?
Speaker 2 (47:01):
That is hilarious.
I was, but we are grateful foryou.
Speaker 1 (47:05):
I'm so honored to be here.
Speaker 2 (47:06):
Thank you so much.
We're grateful for your wisdom,your words, and I'm sure there
are many dads who will begrateful that you came and just
joined us today and really,wives I was going to say wives,
moms, yeah, all the things.
They're going to be gratefulfor your words.
They're going to be sending itto their spouse and say, look,
you need to watch this.
So I hope you guys enjoyed it.
(47:28):
I hope you guys share this withsomeone.
Please make sure you subscribe.
Follow upset the Graham.
Speaker 1 (47:36):
Yes, please do, you will not be disappointed, that
would be disappointing and weare just so grateful.
Speaker 2 (47:41):
Happy related Father's Day to all the fathers
out there.
Speaker 3 (47:45):
Enjoy it.
If you got a man, I hope youtreated him right.
It's not too late.
It's not too late, you sure itis not, so thank you for
watching Mom's.
Speaker 2 (47:52):
Actually we're motherhood meets sisterhood.
Hey mom, what's up?
Hey mom, what's up?
Hey mom, what's up?
Hey mom, what's up?
Hey mom, what's up?
I think the remake should be.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
Hey mom, oh OK, hey, what do you want?
What's up, hey mom?
What's up hey?
Speaker 3 (00:12):
mom, what's up?
Hey mom, what's up?
Hey mom, what's up?
Hello, welcome to Mom's.
Actually, I'm Blair and I'mMorgan and we have the
incomparable Tim Ross with ustoday.
Hey mom Thank you so much, heymom.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Oh, what's up, hey mom, what's happening?
Speaker 3 (00:30):
No, we got a little hey Mom song and you know is her
and her daughter Laila singingour theme song.
I do that's so cute.
Yeah, we did a little play.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Oh, I don't think we should try to like this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we are.
We're playing off the light.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
I think the remake should be.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Hey mom, oh, ok, hey mom.
Hey, when you listen, hey mom.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
Oh, oh, hey mom, so we're just going to strip this
down.
Speaker 3 (00:57):
Yes, we're going to pay you with a thank you.
Yeah, it's all good.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
It's all good yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
I love that.
Well, you know, let's just jumpright into our game.
So every episode, before we getinto the nitty gritty of
conversation, we just do a quicklittle icebreaker.
It's called it's GivingMotherhood, but this one we're
doing a rapid fire.
I'm going to give you somewords.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
Blair's going to give you some words.
First word or phrase that comesto mind is what you say to us.
We're doing it either, or yeah,okay, yes, it is.
She's like is this or that, butyes, it is that, this or that
situation.
Okay, first word that comes tomind is what it is Done and
we're going to go ahead and getstarted.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
Done deal.
Speaker 2 (01:37):
All right, so share your food or order your own.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
Oh, order your own.
Speaker 3 (01:44):
Always Take the fries off your plate.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
Absolutely, you should have got it.
Speaker 3 (01:48):
Okay yeah, toilet paper goes over or under.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
Doesn't matter to me, I have wipes.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
Oh, he said, I have wipes, your buddy ain't clean
unless you have wipes.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
He is the dude wipes Sponsor.
Yeah absolutely.
Speaker 3 (02:00):
Oh, quick sidebar.
You know even flushable wipes,you're not like they're not
clean yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:05):
I know.
Speaker 3 (02:05):
My toilet just got clogged from those.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
Oh, you got to have like Kleenex or something like
that.
Huggies won't do, that'll clogyou in a minute, huggies won't
do.
Yeah, Huggies' wipes will clogeverybody's pipes.
You're such a sister.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
Yeah absolutely Just information.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
if you didn't know, yeah, trying to get people life
hacks.
Speaker 3 (02:19):
Yep Martin or Fresh Prince Martin All right, so is
it Thursday or every day?
Speaker 1 (02:26):
Every day.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
Vacation or staycation.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
Staycation.
I'm going to introvert.
Okay, make plans or wing it.
Make plans always.
Speaker 3 (02:36):
Oh, okay.
So if you go to Disney Worldyou plan in the whole day.
I am the concierge?
Speaker 1 (02:40):
Oh, I will administratively execute
everything that needs to happen.
Speaker 2 (02:47):
Okay, and the whole thing can be paid for before we
leave.
Period, period, period Okay,enjoy right now or prepare for
what's next.
Speaker 1 (02:56):
Enjoy right now Okay.
Speaker 2 (02:59):
Well, in the same way , those are some good, decisive
answers yeah, you didn't evenreally have to think about it.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
Well, for instance, the right answer.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
That's true.
How was your father's day?
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Father's day was dope .
I love being a dad.
I really do, and at the age andstage that my boys are now,
it's a privilege to be a father.
It's a privilege to be able toescort them through manhood.
Yeah, so yeah, I'm enjoyingbeing a daddy.
Speaker 3 (03:31):
Yeah, did you ever like?
I know some women like we dreamof being moms like our whole
life or we don't Like was thatalways something you wanted, and
did you want to father boys, ordid you?
Speaker 1 (03:41):
Yeah, so I always dreamed of being married.
Okay, I wanted to be marriedsince I was eight years old.
Oh, that's not common Betweenmy parents, who have a beautiful
marriage very, verycommunicative.
My dad was a hopeless romanticLike he had a rose garden in the
front yard and he clipped theroses, dethorne them and put
(04:02):
them on the dashboard of mom'scar.
With a little note my mothernever backed her car out of the
driveway in day and her name.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
Rivers.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
And so I saw all of this growing up.
When I was eight years old,between my parents and the
Huxtables, I was like I can'twait to be married, so I've
always wanted to be married.
Kids are just a consequence ofmy love for my wife I was going
to say that, yeah, so yeah, ohno.
Speaker 3 (04:29):
the way you talk about your wife, I think I'm in
love with her too.
Like he is so sweet all thetime to Juliet.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
I sprung on her.
I can tell I love that, yeah,very much so.
Yeah, that's very authentic.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
Speaking of your wife when it came to motherhood, how
did you, what ways did you findto best support her, especially
through pregnancy and thoseearly days of birth and all of
the things, and how did she, ifat all, communicate that she
needed support and help?
Were you already proactive?
Did you feel like?
Speaker 1 (05:04):
I'm very proactive when it just comes to my wife's
needs.
I am, I anticipate needs somuch so embarrassingly, with our
first child, because Juliet hasbeen pregnant five times but we
lost three.
So when Nathan was born,embarrassingly, I actually gave
(05:28):
my wife postpartum depressionbecause I was taking the baby
like no, you sleep through thenight.
I got the baby and did it andshe needed her baby, Right, you
know what I mean.
I was.
She was so sweet and it was ourfirst kid, so you're always
hyper-vigilant with your firstyeah.
By the time the second onecomes, it's like you ain't gonna
(05:50):
die.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
Yeah, you know what I mean.
That second one.
Speaker 1 (05:52):
Yeah, Then pictures fall off 50%, everything you
like that.
Speaker 3 (05:57):
No diaper bag, you just throw it in your first
everything's fine.
Speaker 1 (06:00):
But with the first my mother had to call me and be
like will you please give it?
Speaker 3 (06:05):
Can she hold your baby?
You give her baby back.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
She was like you are giving her depression.
I was like I'm so sorry, so Ihad to learn.
You know the rhythm in eachstage of where she needed to
lead and then where I needed tosupport.
Speaker 3 (06:22):
What do you think you needed during those days?
I think we often talk about,like what moms need during that
time, but no one really asksabout the dad, like they'll talk
about what the dad's not doingor what he should be doing.
Yeah, so what do you say to amom, whether it's their first or
third child?
Like what do you?
What support do you wish youhad?
What do you wish you were ableto do?
Speaker 1 (06:44):
Yeah, I can't speak for all men, but I know for
myself that first child changesyou, your brain kind of switches
and you're like I need tosupport in a different way.
I'm not just thinking about mywife anymore, I'm thinking about
my wife and my child, and so Ihad a lot of fears that were not
(07:11):
articulated at first.
I felt them but I didn't havewords for them.
But I have therapists and Ialways process, so I was able to
be able to unpack that, findthe language for it and then
bring it home to my wife and sayhere's what I'm feeling right
now Having this baby terrifiesme.
You know, what I mean.
I don't know how I'm going tosupport this whole thing.
(07:34):
I don't know.
I'm already thinking aboutcollege.
I was not in the moment of like, let's just take one day at a
time.
I'm like, how are we going topay for this kid?
College is expensive and maybethey just be an athlete and get
out my pocket.
I was projecting a lot.
So again for me, if it doesn'tcome up and out through words,
(07:55):
it will come up and out throughactions.
Speaker 3 (07:56):
Yeah, somehow.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Yeah, so I'm big on getting my feelings into words
because then I can have contextto what they are and then
navigate them better.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
I think that's a really good tip, because I've
had a lot of moms come to me andthey'll ask me, like what was
your experience with your spouse?
Because sometimes they don'tknow how to communicate and
articulate and it seems likethey don't care or they don't
understand.
And I had to tell them.
I don't think that it's thatthey don't understand or that
they don't care.
I think they're just processingso much internally.
(08:26):
Oh for sure, and they don'tknow how to say I'm scared.
Speaker 1 (08:29):
Yeah absolutely.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
I think it's so good to hear that from a male
perspective, though, because alot of women truly don't get it,
and then they feel like nowwe're arguing about something
that's not really an argument,right that's not even the issue.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 3 (08:45):
Yeah, that's a lot of the times I say and then we
also, and that's due topostpartum not even depression,
just postpartum.
We tend to push you guys awaytoo, because we want things our
way, like the diapers this way,or you got to burp them, like
everything, so then we canaccidentally just push you guys
away from bonding in that waytoo.
Speaker 1 (09:07):
Yeah, one of the things that motherhood does to
the dad is I'm speaking formyself again.
I watched my child, who I love,feel your wife, take my wife.
When he was on the breast I waspissed.
Speaker 3 (09:30):
Are you a fool?
I'm like.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
I'm gonna go back for them.
Speaker 3 (09:34):
Like.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
You know what I mean and you in the bed with her more
than.
Speaker 3 (09:38):
I am right now.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
You cut her up, you know what I mean I'm losing
spooning time.
I'm losing cuddle time.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
I'm losing all the time and I had to actually
grieve the loss of my wife inthat way.
For a season I was gonna gether back, but for a season I had
to grieve in more in the lossof that, or else I was really
gonna set up some resentment andbe like oh you putting him in
(10:04):
front of me.
Speaker 2 (10:06):
And when that's not the case, and we're not even
thinking in that way, becausewe're still in a follow up?
Speaker 1 (10:11):
Yeah, absolutely, your bodies are going through
changes.
Speaker 3 (10:15):
And then we're like you even want to be around us.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
Yeah, you don't even think, oh, please Listen, listen
, Listen what my kids did to mywife's body.
I wanted her more so.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
I was not running away from her.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
I was on the tour.
I'm like, can you sleep?
Speaker 2 (10:33):
over there yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:34):
Just take a nap for an hour and just give me my wife
for a minute.
So it's an adjustment and myreminder, my encouragement to
fathers would be this is just aseason.
My encouragement to motherswould be this is just a season.
It can be a tax season,especially when you start having
kids back to back, but it'sonly a season and when that
(10:56):
season shifts you can get backinto a rhythm and prioritize the
relationship.
Speaker 3 (11:01):
But that's what I was going to ask Is it just a
season Like does your marriageever go back to what it was
pre-kids?
Like you've been throughseveral different phases now of
being a father, so it's like howhas that affected your marriage
through different stages ofyour children's lives?
Speaker 1 (11:15):
So prioritization is very, very key.
My earliest memories ofrealizing that my parents loved
each other way more than theyloved us is when I turned 13,.
My parents handed us a $20 billand said we bought you awesome
frozen dinners.
This is enough money for pizza.
(11:37):
They left on Friday and cameback on Sunday and didn't tell
us where they were going.
Now this is back in the days oflandlines.
Yeah.
They handed us a $20 on Fridayand said don't let that phone
ring three times without youanswering it.
We bet not hear no other peoplein this house.
We're leaving for the weekendand we were like where are you
going?
Don't worry about where we'regoing, don't call us, we'll call
(11:58):
you.
Speaker 3 (11:59):
We couldn't even call you.
Speaker 1 (12:00):
We found out years later.
They were going to the embassysuites down the street Stagation
, but they were literallyprioritizing their marriage and
they were not going to allowkids to become the excuse of why
they don't date and why theydon't still don't have time
together, they don't romanceeach other.
So I learned from a very earlyage, looking at my own parents,
(12:22):
that oh yeah, y'all joke.
Is y'all going to be all right?
Bring the mother-in-law overhere, get the sister-in-law.
I have no shame in havingsomebody come babysit these kids
because I want to go out withmy wife.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
And I was going to say that I was going to ask
practically, because I know wealso have so many moms who have
younger children that follow usand watch this.
They're going to askimmediately well, what is the
solution for when my kids areyounger?
And I know it's like okay, havesomebody come over, but is
there any other?
Especially for our singleparents?
(12:55):
Is there something else thatthey could do to just try to?
Maybe it's somebody thatthey're seriously dating or
whatever the case may be thatit's not maybe leaving for a
weekend, but are there practicalthings, maybe throughout the
week, that you guys do?
Speaker 1 (13:09):
Oh, absolutely.
So when the kids were really,really young, we used all of
their bedtime.
It made us had very shortnights, right, we're only
sleeping four or five hoursanyway.
Well, if that's the case, whenyou put these kids down, we're
going to watch a show, we'regoing to have a conversation,
we're going to order sometakeout and nobody cooking, and
we just go and look at eachother and talk and woo-woo until
(13:32):
we either fall asleep.
If we get sex, great.
If we don't get it, we just goand spoon tonight and then
somebody going to have to get upat this baby in the morning at
two or three o'clock in themorning, feed put him back to
sleep.
But the intentionality is key,Whether you get away or you just
still away four or five hours.
Get the time in Because, again,it's only seasonal and you'll
(13:56):
be able to make thoseadjustments as the kids continue
to grow.
Speaker 3 (13:58):
And that's why kids' bedtime are important.
Speaker 2 (14:00):
Oh they are.
Speaker 3 (14:01):
They're very important.
The one thing I don't playabout is a bedtime.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
It's eight o'clock, and then when we want to spend
time together.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
It's like seven.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
Yeah, yeah, six, six, thirty seven that's when my
life starts, but I'm not tired,I don't care.
You can talk to Jesus, you cantalk to yourself, but you're not
going to talk to us.
Yeah, yeah, and don't come outthe room unless you have to pee.
Speaker 3 (14:21):
We got a gate, we got a lighted clock you do have
that gate You're not coming outof here.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
I love it.
Speaker 3 (14:28):
I just like after three months my kids don't get
in my bed and nothing like that.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
They have their own room, oh absolutely.
Speaker 3 (14:33):
I don't play with any of that, and I think even
outside of marriage, just so Ican have my time.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
Yeah, absolutely.
It's very, very important notto lose yourself.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
Now, you're a pretty busy man, psych.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
I'm really not.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
But how would you, what would you say to a father
who is trying to really balance,like being active but also
trying to be a provider andtrying to make sure that he's
taking care of home withoutfeeling overwhelmed?
Because I think, you know,males they have a one-track mind
a little bit and sometimes it'shard to say, oh wait, I need to
(15:12):
stop and, you know, actuallypay attention to my child.
Like, what does that look likefor you?
Speaker 1 (15:18):
Yeah, so I do have a one-track mind.
I think the advice I would givea man wired like me is you have
to know the length of thesetracks.
So if I have a one-track mindwhen it comes to work, how long
is the length of this track asit relates to work?
Is it two miles?
Is it seven miles?
Is it 20 miles?
When does it end?
(15:38):
The only time a track, aone-track mind, gets into a
problematic situation is whenthere is no ending.
So I need to know when thistrain stops so I can get off it
and get on the next train.
And sometimes those stopshappen and I got to get off
right here, get on this trainand then get back on the other
(15:59):
train.
So I've never been in a rhythmwhere except when I was
depressed that my kids thoughtmy daddy's not around or he's
here, but he's not here he won'tput down his phone, he doesn't
look me in the eye.
I have intentional time.
(16:20):
I've always had intentionaltime with my boys.
Friday's his boy day.
We have devotion every nightbefore they go to bed as a
family, and so there's time foreverything, as long as you
schedule it.
You make time for what you careabout you make time for what you
care about, and if you careabout it it's going on the
(16:41):
calendar.
If you don't care about it,then it's like if I get around
to it and I'm never gonna getaround to my wife and I'm never
gonna get around to my kids.
You have bandwidth foreverything, as long as you
schedule it.
Speaker 3 (16:58):
That makes sense, man .
How has fatherhood evolved youas a man, who you were 10, 11
years ago?
Your oldest is.
Speaker 1 (17:08):
Yeah, my oldest is 14 .
Speaker 3 (17:09):
14.
Yeah, he'll be 15.
Speaker 1 (17:11):
I have a 15 year old and a 13 year old this year.
Speaker 3 (17:13):
How old you were, who you were 15 years ago versus
now.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
Yeah, I'm way more settled.
So Juliette and I had our kidsin our 30s, not in our 20s.
Speaker 3 (17:26):
Have your kid, that's all.
My unsolicited advice is don'thave kids till you 30 plus.
Live your life, live your life.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
Your brain is much more settled right Cause
psychology says your brain isn'tfully developed until you're
about 25.
So I had my first one at 33, mysecond one at 35, and I was
just a different person by thattime.
And when the boys came out, I'mlike, yeah, these are little
humans.
They're trying, and because Ihad done so much therapy for my
(17:57):
trauma, I was just able to seemy little boys for who they are.
They're little human beingstrying to figure it out.
They're sitcoms older than them.
Why do I expect them to bemature in this situation?
Why do I expect them to knowwhat I know?
They're nine right Even now,going to be 15 and going to be
13,.
I look at them and I'm likey'all are dumb.
(18:19):
Y'all are really dumb.
Like you know, most parentswant to be like they look
straight into their.
Speaker 3 (18:25):
I got to, I got to give you that.
I understand, I understand.
The bumper sticker my kids areon a roadstool, your kid's dumb.
Yeah, just because they canlearn some school stuff.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
Just because they know how to wrote math and
division and write an essaydoesn't mean they know how to
clean their room.
After the 19th time that youtold them.
Speaker 3 (18:46):
I would say the most important thing to me is my
children know how to think Like.
The other stuff is bonus, but Ineed them to know how.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
They just know how to think and they don't know.
We homeschool our kids.
We can talk, yeah.
Yeah, I'm like I don't trustBecause we're disciple makers,
like by default, right, so I donot trust that they were gonna
have our values after five years.
Now I know everybody's not inthat situation to be able to do
that.
I'm a product of the publicschool system, but what I tell
people is that I was private.
(19:11):
I was publicly homeschooled,right, I went to school and then
my mom will become home in theevening.
Speaker 3 (19:17):
My mom was like now.
Let me tell you.
Speaker 2 (19:19):
What it really is.
What it really is.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (19:21):
They didn't even teach you this right.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
Yes, yes.
Speaker 1 (19:23):
So for my boys, they're being exposed to their
world right.
We have conversations with themevery night and they tell them
about, you know, young Vaughn,king Vaughn and NLE Choppa, and
you know, triple X Extention.
Speaker 3 (19:38):
And I'm like do you know?
Speaker 2 (19:40):
I think we both dance in that.
Speaker 1 (19:41):
I'm like two thirds of y'all's rappers got murdered.
Speaker 2 (19:43):
Yeah, it was just pocking biggie for us.
Speaker 3 (19:45):
Everybody else survived.
Yeah, everybody did, it wasslaughtered by the time they
were 22, young Doth dead.
Everybody did right.
Speaker 1 (19:51):
Yeah, so, but we make intentional time to be in their
world.
Speaker 3 (19:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
And we're learning if we just shut up.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:01):
If we stop talking, they'll tell us everything.
That's true.
They just need to know if we'relistening.
Yeah, and so we're like go onand they're like yeah then this
daddy and then that daddy.
I'm like, I'm just getting intoit.
Speaker 3 (20:13):
I used to tell myself all the time as a kid.
Speaker 2 (20:17):
That's right.
It's something about raisingboys too, because it's already
such a expectation.
Just like it's an expectationfrom women and mothers, there's
an expectation for males and youhave two boys and we're in a
different generation and whatthey're exposed to and all of
the things, and I think it'seven like we are very it's easy
(20:39):
to try and project, and so Ieven I heard you say, like your
trauma you were already healedfrom.
You know certain things, butwhat if you weren't?
Do you feel like there areplenty of fathers out there that
aren't healed because theydidn't have that therapy Almost
90%, yeah, like it's way moreout there that don't have your
(21:01):
story, but you were there.
Like what advice would you giveto that part of yourself?
Because there are a lot of men,I think, out there who need to
hear that part and still have toparent through.
Speaker 1 (21:13):
Yeah, for sure, like what does that look like?
Yeah, I encourage all men tolike get to the epicenter of
your wound, right.
Don't just address the symptom.
Go to the root, right.
If you have a code and I handyou Kleenex, I'm not helping you
.
I'm giving you something foryour symptom.
I'm not helping you end thesource, which is the virus.
(21:37):
I remember being so.
My kids are upper middle class.
They bougie, okay.
Speaker 3 (21:44):
I'm from the hood.
I'm from Inglewood, okay.
Speaker 1 (21:46):
My kids are not.
They don't know what a hoodlooks like.
Speaker 3 (21:51):
They've heard about it in songs, right, but I have
taken them to the hood just tolet them know who y'all want to
be.
Did you disappear or you justno?
No, I Like go around the cornerlike y'all by the angle.
Speaker 1 (22:04):
I asked them.
I said would you feelcomfortable if I let y'all out
and walk the couple of blocks?
They said no, daddy, pleasedon't.
I said okay, but we were inTurks and Caicos.
That's how bougie we are, saidmy parents, never right.
Speaker 3 (22:17):
Like we were in Turks and Caicos, right, that has
never happened.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
We went to Disney for a day when we drove home right.
So we're in Turks and Caicosfor like a month, right.
Speaker 2 (22:28):
And we're in a house we have a chef and a buntler
okay.
Speaker 1 (22:33):
And we're sitting at a table and there's three
generations sitting at the tablemy mother-in-law, me and my
wife, my wife and I and my twoboys.
Two of these three generationshave never been here before this
last generation.
This is their normal.
And what I had to do in thatmoment?
(22:54):
I literally had to thought Tim,do not mess this up for your
sons by opening your mouth andsaying you know, we didn't have
this growing up.
Ah, you need to appreciate this.
Speaker 2 (23:07):
Yes, because we never had nothing like this my
grandparents never had
Speaker 1 (23:10):
look.
Speaker 2 (23:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:13):
Don't project what you didn't have or the lack of
what you didn't have to mess upwhat is their normal.
Your ancestors paid for them tobe at this table.
Speaker 2 (23:25):
Right.
Speaker 1 (23:26):
My parents paid for them to be at this table.
I worked hard for them to be atthis table.
Now I'm gonna guilt them atthis table.
So if I don't do my own work,I'm not even aware enough to
catch myself, and so myencouragement to fathers is do
the work, because you can passoff a bunch of anger and
(23:48):
resentment to your kids,thinking that you're toughening
them up.
Oh gosh, especially boys yeahespecially boys, and really
you're just putting them in linefor your therapist.
Speaker 3 (23:58):
Right.
Speaker 1 (24:00):
Right.
So I want them to go to therapyfor different stuff.
I don't want them to go forthis, you know.
Speaker 3 (24:04):
I would say all our kids are gonna end up in therapy
because it's healthy.
Speaker 1 (24:07):
First of, all they need to be in therapy.
Speaker 3 (24:09):
But there's always gonna be something.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
It is, I'm gonna miss something.
But I want to be aware of asmuch as I can.
Exactly.
Yeah, yeah, for sure.
Speaker 3 (24:17):
No, that's really good, yeah.
So what do you say to fathers?
Because, you know, there'salways the thing where, like
when the kids are young, a lotof fathers are like okay, the
mom got that, I'm gonna.
When they get to the fun age,that's where I'm gonna like show
up and like now, like be theactive, yeah, when they can play
basketball, like what is beingan active father?
Speaker 1 (24:38):
An active father is an action father, right Like.
What we know about God is thathe loved the world so much he
gave.
He didn't say yeah.
He gave something.
It was an action behind it, andso I'll never forget both of my
kids.
I used to talk to them throughthe womb and I'll never forget.
(25:03):
I was over the doctor'sshoulder when both my babies
came out of my wife's womb right.
I cut the umbilical cord andthen I said Nathan and then I.
He went to looking for me.
No, uh, my God.
My eyes went to looking for me.
They've heard my voice sincebefore they came out their
(25:23):
mother's womb and my voice hasbeen constant.
They get words of affirmationfrom me every single night.
If I'm away, facetime ishappening.
They know they're going to hearfrom their father.
So the intentionality ofensuring that my love is
(25:45):
actionable right, it's not justin word, it has to be.
Indeed, my daddy was there.
My daddy shows up.
My daddy canceled stuff to behere.
You know what I mean.
That is like an important thing.
Yeah, that's really good.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
What does it look like in marriage?
Like so you have the kids, youhave your marriage, you're
prioritizing it, all the thingsright.
But it's also not alwaysamazing, like there are times
where you know the business oflife or just the ebbs and flows
of things, and I know as womenwe go through our own challenges
(26:25):
and journeys and it's notalways lining up with our spouse
, like what does that look likeand how do you support, if
anything?
Or come to a middle ground,because sometimes it could
almost feel like a businesspartnership.
Oh, it sure can.
That's a good one.
If you don't, you know likewhat, how….
Speaker 3 (26:46):
Especially when you actually work together.
Oh, for sure, yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:50):
For sure.
Speaker 3 (26:51):
I mean that happens regardless, but once you….
Speaker 1 (26:53):
Yeah.
So yeah, we're, julia and I arein that situation now with our
LLC.
We're, we're, we do businesstogether, and so we have to have
lines of demarcation of when isbusiness and when it's not.
Like I will cut it off in aminute.
Like she's ready to talkbusiness and it's like, oh no,
(27:14):
that stopped at six, it's seventhirty.
Speaker 2 (27:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:18):
That has to wait till tomorrow.
Yeah, thank you.
Thank you for reminding me,because my wife is half Jamaican
, so that Jamaican side hasthirteen jobs.
Speaker 2 (27:27):
Yeah, okay.
Speaker 1 (27:29):
By herself.
She got thirteen before we evenget to our business together.
So I'm very intentional aboutwe have a cutoff for this.
We're not talking aboutbusiness, no more.
When you talk about those timeswhere it's like you know what,
we're just not connecting, I getcurious about that, right.
I want to know where is ourdisconnect?
(27:52):
What are you feeling right now?
Because communication canmitigate frustration.
If I have context, I'm good.
If I don't have context, I'mnot good.
The B clause of Proverbs fouror seven is literally like my
life mantra, right, wisdom isthe principal thing.
(28:13):
Therefore, get wisdom with allthat.
Get and get an understanding.
So I live by this mantra thatcontext is king.
I want to be a homicidedetective.
I'm used to figuring out themotive behind the murder.
That's what I'm trained to do.
So whenever there's adisconnect, I just want to know
what caused this?
Where did we get off?
(28:34):
And once we get that into wordsand I have context, I'm like,
okay, cool, we can float aroundthis.
Now I'm not pissed with youWalking around like, oh, so you
ain't going to talk, right,because there's a little bit of
a petty Eddie in the inside ofme.
I got a.
You know he needs to be slayed,but I can do that with
(28:54):
curiosity because, you cannot beoffended and curious at the
same time.
Speaker 3 (28:58):
That's a good point.
Speaker 1 (29:00):
So stay curious.
Stay curious on the days whereit just seems off you off with
your spouse, you off withyourself, you off with the kids.
I mean, you go from two tothree, three to four.
However many kids you have,you're increasing the
probability and possibility thatsomeone's going to wake up on
(29:20):
the wrong side of the bed.
That's not an issue.
Let's just get context to whathappened today.
Speaker 3 (29:25):
What we feeling today Something about that.
Yeah, you know what I mean Arewe hypoglycemic?
Speaker 1 (29:29):
You know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (29:30):
Did you only get three hours of sleep?
Speaker 1 (29:33):
Did I say something?
Speaker 3 (29:34):
yesterday.
Speaker 2 (29:36):
You went to bed and woke up and brooded on it all
night and got up like I wasready to go.
Speaker 1 (29:40):
Yeah, you ready.
You know what I mean.
I'm ready to clap back.
Good morning, I was thinkingabout that all night, all night
to think about it.
Speaker 2 (29:47):
You got the shower like let's go.
Speaker 1 (29:48):
Let's go.
So getting context will helpkind of mitigate that.
Yeah, doesn't mean thefrustration disappears, but at
least you're not like I don'tknow where this is coming from.
So I always check in withJuliet.
Yeah, I always check in.
Where are you right now?
How am I doing?
As a husband?
I hate asking that questionbecause I'm inviting an answer
(30:10):
that I might not want, but Icheck in.
I'd be like am I doing?
Okay, yeah, and if I am, I'mlike, and she'd be like I'm so
glad you mentioned that.
So just be curious.
Speaker 3 (30:21):
Yeah, we would sometimes say we probably should
have got more consistent withit.
But how can I love you better,Like at the end of the day?
Yes, then it comes in a safespace.
Speaker 1 (30:29):
Yeah, absolutely Like in the moment.
Yeah, you're being invited intoit as opposed to the person
going like man.
I got to tell you aboutyourself because you don't see
yourself.
Speaker 3 (30:36):
Exactly, and especially if, like, the rest of
the day went well, it's like,okay, I can't bring this up and
start an argument, but then it'sgoing to come into the next one
.
That's exactly right.
Speaker 1 (30:44):
That's exactly right.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3 (30:48):
I have a question kind of brings us back a little
bit, but you mentioned your.
Well, I'll say both of you lostthree babies.
How do you support your wifethrough that?
Because I feel like a lot ofthe times, like men, because
they're so practical, they canmove on while we still have the
hormones in us, first of all,and then have had the experience
.
So how did you guys get throughthat?
Speaker 1 (31:09):
Well, that first one was devastating because I had
baby fever, like I wanted a baby.
She was not ready and so I'mlike, can we get a dog?
And she's like fool you travelso much, I'm going to take care
of this dog.
Speaker 3 (31:22):
So we ain't even getting a dog.
Speaker 1 (31:23):
I'm like, okay, I just want a little Paris Elton
dog.
Some hyper allergenic she'slike no fool, you ain't getting
it Because I'm going to betaking care of this dog while
you're on the road right.
So then she just came off birthcontrol and surprised me Like
she just got pregnant and didn'ttell me she was already going
to the doctor and so we werealready past the third trimester
(31:45):
and it was like, oh, like.
And then she told me afterthree months, like now her body
was already like changing.
But I just thought, oh, yougetting thick and all the right
Like that booty is just toostrong, I'm a little bit
unawares.
We're very aware.
Speaker 2 (32:02):
It's like you don't know what you're wearing.
They're like oh, look at thebooty.
Speaker 1 (32:08):
Oh, and then breasts.
Hey, this is beautiful girl.
And then she just came home oneday.
When I came home one day, shewas just like I'm pregnant and I
started and she was like I'malready three months, it'll be
good and I'm balling.
We went to, we rented this thegovernor suite, I'll never
(32:30):
forget it at the Omni Mandalayand we had our closest friends
there and we shared it with themand it was all good.
And then we went to the nextcheckup and there was no
heartbeat and it was like no,there's got to be a mistake,
(32:51):
right.
And we started believing Godand slanging oil and doing all
the things, right, that we knowto do, that, we learned to do
that, we were taught to do, andwent back again.
No heartbeat and because ofwhere the progression was, the
baby didn't come out on its ownand so they had to do a DNC.
(33:12):
And then my wife thought shewas getting an abortion in her
mind and like I'm giving upfaith if I let you go in here
and take this baby out.
And it was bad, like, when Itell you, devastating.
We went straight to thetherapist and cried it out and
(33:33):
yelled it out, and processed itout and released balloons and
did all the stuff, but it wasthat was devastating.
Like the first one wasdevastating and like my MDR
therapist is always telling meto pay attention to my body.
(33:55):
So even doing that just lets meknow that thing hurt.
And I did stand up comedy fortwo years.
So because of the trauma Iendured as a child, I actually
had comedy before I had Jesus.
I had comedy before I had porn.
I had comedy before I hadanything.
(34:16):
So one day now my trigger alert.
This ain't everybody'sexperience, so some things can
trigger other people.
Other people can handle it.
I'm just telling you whathappened in our marriage and how
we moved on.
So one day we were in the houseand I'm like I'm glad we lost
(34:45):
that baby and Juliet was likewhat?
And I said I'm glad we lostthat baby.
I said that baby only had onejob Stay alive If that.
Joker couldn't do that imaginewhat we would have gave birth to
.
That would have been the latestbaby in the whole world.
Speaker 2 (35:08):
Oh my god.
Speaker 1 (35:10):
First out laughing.
Speaker 3 (35:12):
Now I know trigger alert.
I know this ain't everybody'sthing.
Speaker 1 (35:14):
Somebody probably crying right now.
I'm just telling you whathappened.
Speaker 3 (35:17):
I said that's going to be the laziest baby that we
ever gave birth to.
Speaker 1 (35:21):
I said that Joker needed to just go on to heaven.
Speaker 3 (35:23):
I thought you were going to get some deep answer.
I always say my firstmiscarriage like that baby did
his job and helped our marriageand like it served its purpose.
Speaker 2 (35:31):
Oh, my god, I literally can't breathe.
Speaker 1 (35:35):
This is the easiest your life is going to be, and
you couldn't even stay in thewomb.
Get out of here and get out.
Speaker 2 (35:43):
They did, and so we just said OK and get out.
They did so.
We left Sir, I'm sweating.
Speaker 1 (35:52):
And that was part of our healing yeah, and we moved
on.
Speaker 3 (35:55):
Let me tell you what happened.
We had Nathan.
Speaker 1 (35:59):
And we got pregnant again with the third one.
Speaker 3 (36:01):
Another lazy baby.
Another lazy baby.
You know what?
Speaker 1 (36:04):
Julia came out.
Julia came out and said anotherlazy one.
And this is the way that weprocessed it Right, it was, and
my process is different, rightSome people have to.
Speaker 3 (36:16):
That's why I got to marry the right one for you,
yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:18):
Listen, I told another couple this and she said
I ought to divorce you on thespot.
I said I understand, I get it.
Yeah, but for us, like, that'sthe way we needed to process,
like for us it made sense, likethat first one was devastating
and we did name the first one.
(36:39):
We named the first one, uh,pharese Pharese means breaker.
We felt like that was the onethat broke through and made
Nathan possible.
Yeah, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (36:49):
I think about that too.
I'm like without thatmiscarriage I wouldn't have
noble yeah, and I can't imaginenot having noble, and when God
gives you your babies, he givesyou amnesia.
Speaker 1 (37:00):
It's not that you don't experience that loss
anymore, but you don't feel itbecause the joy of that one that
made it.
And so, um, yeah, that was ourprocess.
Speaker 2 (37:11):
What did your faith look like during that process?
Speaker 1 (37:15):
Because before you got, to the joke.
I was, um, I was really likediscouraged.
I wasn't mad at God, you know.
Some people were like ugh, Iwas just really discouraged.
I was like, did I do something?
And then?
(37:35):
And then, um, all my traumastarted flaring up, always
because of all of my promiscuityin the past and it's because of
my, it's because of my pornaddiction that I had and it's
because of the like I started,like I was in a really dark, All
the stuff you just already diedon the process.
Yeah it was all on me yeah.
I was punishing myself Becauseit's control yeah yeah, it's
control.
If we did it, we can fix it.
(37:55):
Yeah, yeah, exactly, and it'slike you know what.
You know the people that havegone through the same thing.
And then you talked to I can'ttell you how many couples we've
talked to.
It's like it was almost like wetalked to more couples that
lost children.
Speaker 2 (38:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (38:10):
Even stillborns, like we have a dear friend.
Nine months had to push thatbaby out.
Speaker 3 (38:18):
Right, it's a ridiculously common.
It is, but nobody talks aboutit.
Nobody talks about it, andthat's what makes it seem rare,
yeah.
Speaker 1 (38:26):
That's what makes every couple things.
I'm the only one that's everbeen through this because, nope,
too many people edit theirtestimonies, and the editing of
testimonies doesn't give peoplea full picture of how God
navigates you through life.
He never said it was going tobe dandelions and roses, and you
(38:48):
know what I mean skippingthrough a field of lilies.
Speaker 2 (38:52):
He just said he'd be with you through it all, no
matter what you went through.
Speaker 1 (38:56):
Right, good, bad or indifferent, but we learned a
lot about what other people weregoing through and we have
friends that can't conceive,have believed.
God's 17, 18, 19 years duringtheir 50s and their tubes won't
(39:17):
allow for, and all they everprayed for was a child.
So when you think about moms,actually, yeah, you got moms who
have actually given birth, momswho have actually lost children
and moms who have that spiritbut haven't actually been able
(39:42):
to hold that child, and we haveto embrace all the whole
spectrum of mothers goingthrough all of those things.
That's good.
Speaker 3 (39:53):
I started to talk about my miscarriage a lot
because I was just like once Irealized, every time I talked
about it, someone was like oh,me too.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
I was like this is ridiculous.
Speaker 3 (40:02):
I never wanted anybody to feel like how I
initially felt, so I was like itgets weird because people are
like, oh my God, I'm fine, yeah,exactly.
Because, I'm really am fine,but it's like I just talk about
it because other people aren'tfine, but they've never been
able to talk about it becausethey don't want to make it
awkward for other people.
That's right and it's not.
It's not.
Speaker 1 (40:19):
It doesn't have to be .
Speaker 2 (40:21):
I have one last question.
What is the thing that you wantyour boys to model after you
the most?
Speaker 1 (40:29):
My love for God.
Well, I'm going to say twothings my love for God and my
love for their mother.
That's what I saw from my dad.
They'll be married 49 yearsthis year.
It'll be 24 for Juliette and I,and if God keeps saw healthy
(40:49):
and alive, next year is their50th.
Our 25th, we're renewing ourvows.
Oh, I saw that, yeah.
Speaker 3 (40:56):
And people will be hating on your marriage.
I saw one post saying we'relike we staying together.
I don't know what.
Why y'all?
Speaker 1 (41:01):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's some people that whenyou talk about a successful
marriage in a culture where over50% in the divorce they're like
you're next, like you ain'tgoing to stay married.
Speaker 2 (41:13):
You go projecting?
Yeah, yeah, you're wife.
Speaker 1 (41:16):
You're going to get real and all that kind of stuff.
You say that now, but you gotto get your heart broken and
somebody about to get cheated on.
Y'all going to wind up in adivorce.
I'm going to just hold thisclip for when your divorce takes
place and I'm like oh for sure.
Wow, their comment sections arereckless.
Speaker 3 (41:32):
See, I don't read the comments, even on other
people's stuff.
Yeah, it's just like this.
Speaker 1 (41:36):
Yeah, I don't read comments, because and I don't
read comments and some of thatstuff just gets to you.
Speaker 2 (41:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (41:44):
And it gets to you.
You're just like oh, people areso sad.
Yeah, it's like mean tweets.
Speaker 3 (41:48):
That's how I feel about bad comments People hurt
people yeah, they do.
Speaker 1 (41:51):
They do, and so they haven't seen.
Everybody hasn't had thepicture that we've had, and so
they can't even conceive it.
Yeah, and that's a really badway to live.
Yeah, yeah, so.
Speaker 3 (42:04):
Wow, is there anything you would like to say
to men, to fathers, anything youwant to leave them with,
anything they should take awayfrom you being here?
Speaker 1 (42:16):
I heard a sociologist say a couple of weeks ago that
a father's role in the child'slife is so important.
When you have a mother and afather that child's success rate
is like 66% higher than thosethat are raised with single moms
(42:40):
.
If there is a break in thatrelationship, if the child is
with the father, they have thesame identical success rate with
a single father that they havewith a mother and a father.
Speaker 3 (42:56):
Ooh, he about to get some single moms.
Wow, a little tight.
Speaker 1 (43:04):
Wow, I can't speak for the deadbeat dad.
Speaker 3 (43:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (43:10):
What I am encouraging fathers to understand is that
their voice is incrediblyimportant.
I was born in Inglewood,california.
I was labeled at risk by thetime I was in sixth grade.
My older brother founded a gangin LA.
Wow, and by all statisticalmeasures I was supposed to be
(43:32):
next.
I was more afraid of my daddy'sbelt than I was the do's on the
block and I am the man that Iam today is because I had a
present father in my life.
So my encouragement to fathersis be present, because you could
be saving your child's life.
(43:54):
Literally saving his or her life.
Speaker 3 (43:57):
I know we're supposed to leave it there, but your
father, so your brother, had thesame father.
Speaker 1 (44:03):
Yes, no, no.
His father died.
His father was killed.
So my older I am the first oneof my father, the second of my
mother.
Okay, my older brother's 10years older than me.
Speaker 3 (44:13):
Okay, I was going to ask how you know that me.
Okay, yeah, that's good to know.
Speaker 1 (44:17):
I got to give you one more stat though.
Speaker 3 (44:19):
Oh, I'm sick of it.
This one is juicy.
Speaker 1 (44:21):
Okay, so I'm a girl who is raised with a father and
that relationship is goodPhysiologically develop slower
(44:42):
than a girl that does not have afather.
Oh wow, she does not blossom.
That makes sense.
Quote unquote, because shealready has a man.
And so her body doesn't have todevelop because she's like.
Speaker 2 (44:56):
I don't need I think about myself.
I'm like I think about myself.
Speaker 3 (44:59):
I was glad it's aboard for the longest time, so
I got I, I, I coasted on this.
That's hilarious.
Speaker 1 (45:05):
They, they.
They don't have that 13 yearold.
You know what I mean Lookinglike she 21.
Speaker 3 (45:11):
Your body is in reacting to the body.
Speaker 1 (45:14):
Yeah, Because the body is not.
The body is not saying I needthe attention of a man because I
want to be loved by a man, andso a daughter that has a present
father physiologically developslater than a young woman.
That doesn't.
I just think it's a cool statfor dudes.
Daddies are important Foreverybody.
Speaker 2 (45:31):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (45:32):
Yeah, daddies are important.
Speaker 3 (45:34):
Wow, I think it's wild that, like men know that, I
think not that, but men knowthat they're important.
Fathers know that they'reimportant, but then sometimes
they retraumatize their kidsthrough their trauma.
That's correct.
They want sons and then theydon't show up for their sons
Absolutely.
They want children, but thenthey don't show up and because
of their trauma or what have you?
And then they retraumatize.
(45:54):
That's the importance oftherapy.
Speaker 1 (45:56):
Yeah, it is.
Speaker 3 (45:57):
Community and everything, because you can't
break generational like we'regiving it to our kids.
Otherwise that's correct.
Speaker 1 (46:04):
Yeah, the most extravagant gift that I
currently give to my sons is ahealed heart.
Speaker 2 (46:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (46:13):
Like I'm not fathering them from pain.
You know what I mean.
I'm not projecting whathappened in my life onto them.
They get to grow and make theirmistakes and all that kind of
stuff, and then when they messup, I'm quick to put them back
in line.
So it's incumbent on poor mento do their work so that they
(46:34):
can be good for themselves, goodfor their wives and good for
their children.
Speaker 3 (46:39):
That's good, that's really good To be Wow.
Speaker 2 (46:43):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 3 (46:44):
Yes, honesty.
Speaker 2 (46:45):
The first male to ever be on mom's action yeah to
ever.
Speaker 3 (46:50):
I literally screamed when you agreed to be.
Speaker 2 (46:52):
She did.
I've never heard her be audiblein that way.
Speaker 3 (46:54):
She thought it was somebody else because I don't do
stuff like that.
Did you just scream?
You were like Lauren, was thatyou?
Speaker 2 (47:01):
That is hilarious.
I was, but we are grateful foryou.
Speaker 1 (47:05):
I'm so honored to be here.
Speaker 2 (47:06):
Thank you so much.
We're grateful for your wisdom,your words, and I'm sure there
are many dads who will begrateful that you came and just
joined us today and really,wives I was going to say wives,
moms, yeah, all the things.
They're going to be gratefulfor your words.
They're going to be sending itto their spouse and say, look,
you need to watch this.
So I hope you guys enjoyed it.
(47:28):
I hope you guys share this withsomeone.
Please make sure you subscribe.
Follow upset the Graham.
Speaker 1 (47:36):
Yes, please do, you will not be disappointed, that
would be disappointing and weare just so grateful.
Speaker 2 (47:41):
Happy related Father's Day to all the fathers
out there.
Speaker 3 (47:45):
Enjoy it.
If you got a man, I hope youtreated him right.
It's not too late.
It's not too late, you sure itis not, so thank you for
watching Mom's.
Speaker 2 (47:52):
Actually we're motherhood meets sisterhood.
Hey mom, what's up?
Hey mom, what's up?
Hey mom, what's up?
Hey mom, what's up?
Hey mom, what's up?
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I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com