November 16, 2023 • 38 mins
Hey Ma! We’re hitting rewind and spotlighting our "MA Top 12" — the standout episodes from our first three seasons of Moms Actually. From October 12 to December 28, don’t miss the moments that defined us. Join us as a we take a trip down memory lane as we prepare for Season 4.
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Join us for a candid conversation that promises to reveal the true load of motherhood - the invisible kind that often goes unnoticed. Our guest, Ginny Thornton, the founder of Black Girl Tennis Club and Get Well Soon, unveils the often unspoken aspects of motherhood, mental health, and the immense pressure to be a "perfect mom".
We are shedding light on:
- The importance of therapy, nurturing one's self
- The power of open communication with your spouse.
- Strategies for setting boundaries in parenting and relationships.
- The acknowledgment that parenting as a full-time job can morph our attitudes towards responsibilities and help manage workloads while ensuring we're present for our family.
- ‘Nanny Guilt' and how it intertwines with our mental health.
- Battling mom-shaming and finding your supportive circle of moms in your postpartum
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back to Moms.
Actually, I am Morgan, theseare my co-hosts Sopa Rush and
I'm Blair, and today we aretalking about mental health, the
invisible load of motherhood,and we have none other than
Ginny Virginia Thornton herewith us.
(00:22):
She is the owner or co-ownerand co-founder of Black Girl
Tennis Club, as well as Get Wellsoon.
So she is like all thingswellness, all things mental
health and we just could notfind someone better Like why
would we do?
that we are really excited tohave you here.
(00:43):
Thank you so much for joiningus.
Thanks for having me.
This is gonna be a really greatepisode, so I'm just excited to
jump right in Now, because youare a new to the show new to the
couch.
you're a new player, You'regonna play this game and I'm
gonna just explain it reallyquick.
This is called it's GivingMotherhood.
Now, gold is yes, white is no.
In the middle is like sometimes, maybe, and you know, first
(01:07):
answer is the right answer, sodon't think too hard about it,
okay.
Don't doubt yourself.
All right, so I'm gonna getright into it.
Do you go to therapy?
Yes, sometimes You're doingreally good, thank you?
Speaker 3 (01:20):
yeah, I have great there?
Speaker 1 (01:22):
Do being a mother affect your mental health?
100%, yes, 1,000%.
Do you have consistent?
Speaker 3 (01:31):
do you?
Speaker 1 (01:32):
have consistent health.
Speaker 3 (01:34):
I'm gonna be honest, yes, consistent.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
Yeah, I'm gonna be honest.
Do you view being a mom as afull-time job?
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Absolutely full-time job yes.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
Do you feel it is possible to parent equally?
I would say, yes, I think so.
I think it's possible, is itpossible?
Is it possible?
Speaker 4 (01:55):
Yes, does it commonly happen.
Probably not, no.
The question is is it possible?
Speaker 3 (02:00):
You don't even think it's possible.
No.
Speaker 1 (02:02):
I like that.
No, I actually agree with you.
We're gonna unpack it.
I agree with you, I like that.
Okay, we're gonna come back tothat.
Do you wish you were moreacknowledged for your role as a
mother?
Yes, I do.
Speaker 3 (02:14):
I mean, I think I am acknowledged, but I'll take more
.
Speaker 4 (02:17):
Yeah, I'll take more.
You can never have enough right.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
Do you communicate with your needs to your spouse
when you feel like you have somuch on your plate?
Speaker 2 (02:25):
Sometimes I do.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
Sometimes Do you feel like you take time to nurture
yourself?
Yes, sometimes.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
Sometimes no.
Speaker 3 (02:34):
Do you feel so?
Yeah, I know, she said, I gotyou you and me, but not me, but
not me.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
Do you have a hard time saying no?
Getting better at this.
Who am I?
Speaker 3 (02:47):
saying no to Anybody.
It depends.
Speaker 4 (02:51):
It does depend.
It depends Because I got astrong no sometimes Do you find
it easy to ask for help?
Speaker 1 (02:57):
Yes, 100%.
Speaker 3 (02:59):
Sometimes Sometimes.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
Yeah, yeah, these are kind of hard, do you?
Speaker 1 (03:04):
openly express your feelings with your children.
So, for example, I'm anxiousbecause I'm feeling sad right
now.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
Yes, you do that.
I could do better.
I could do better as well.
I'm huge on that.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
Yes, so let's just dive right in.
I want to go back to thequestion where you said you do
not feel that it is equal, Likeyou can't, it's impossible.
What do you think?
Speaker 4 (03:27):
Especially in my world.
I feel like it's just notpossible.
But usually, usually, I feellike the man has a role and the
woman has a role, and I feellike children tend to gravitate
to their mothers more.
So, even if the man wanted tostep in and have a 50-50 role, I
(03:49):
just feel like it's notpossible.
Like my son would never let myhusband have a 50-50 role.
Like it's me and I was about tosay me only, but it's not.
Speaker 3 (04:00):
I think that's why it's the invisible load of
motherhood, because it's likeall the stuff that people can't
see that's just biological ornatural to us.
I always say people are like,if you go somewhere and if it's
too much for you, just bringsomebody with you.
And I'm like cool, I can bringsomeone with me, but you know
where my kids are going to be,right here.
Like your kids want you andthey prefer you and I purposely
(04:23):
move my kids.
Like your dad, how did you passyour?
dad to come all the way overhere up here to ask me to open
your fruit tax.
Speaker 4 (04:32):
Break down the bathroom door to ask you to.
Oh my gosh, you know what Istarted doing, though.
Speaker 1 (04:36):
I started.
When they do that and they doit often, like right before I
left to come here, my daughterliterally passed her dad, came
upstairs and asked me to put hershoelaces back in her shoes and
I said you see, I'm literallygetting ready, I'm packing, I'm
doing all these things.
I said absolutely not.
I said go back downstairs andask your dad.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
Oh, now.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
I send them back down instead of doing it, because I
feel like if I'm doing it oncethey pass them, I'm affirming
the fact that they can continueto ask me and not ask him.
So that's what I've started.
Speaker 3 (05:05):
That's very true.
What boundaries do you guys putin place, like Morgan, to make
sure you can at least lessen theload, because I think sometimes
we put so much on us, naturallybecause it's so much easier to
do it, do it quicker, do it ourway, which is the best way.
Like I tell a lot of new momsI'm like, even if they put the
(05:25):
dive wrong backwards, that'stheir business.
Like that's the father'sbusiness, like because, at the
end of the day, I don't know ifyou guys ever watched a simple
life Parasilt on top people.
If you do it wrong, they'llstop asking you to do it.
So once you stop asking them todo it, like you know, then
they're like oh well, you've gotit and all of a sudden you're
doing everything.
So what boundaries do you putin place so that doesn't happen
(05:46):
For your husband yeah, for yourhusband, your partner or
whoever's helping you with childrearing?
What boundaries do you put onyour place, on yourself, so that
you don't do everythingyourself?
She don't put no boundaries.
Speaker 4 (05:58):
I'm gonna be honest, I'm yeah, I need to get better
at that.
So I really that's probablycontributing to my mental health
is because there are noboundaries, like my son comes
first and whatever he wants he's.
Speaker 3 (06:16):
Is that boy sleeping in your bed?
No, he's not.
Oh, ok, no, he's not.
She said I got one boundary,yeah that's the boundary, ok.
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (06:25):
In my house when I home, he's sleeping in my bed.
Ok, oh see, ok wait.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
You have to eat this.
Speaker 3 (06:32):
She said I'm going to say this part quiet, Right.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
When you got home, you just did better.
Speaker 3 (06:37):
What about you?
What boundaries do you guys putin place that she might be able
to implement?
I said my you go ahead.
Speaker 2 (06:44):
I think for us it's just over communicating, really
just being like I'm overwhelmedright now so I need you to take
the kids so that I can get mywork done or that I need to have
some me time.
So I think, after being fouryears in it I've been on my for
four years I'm learning how tobetter communicate instead of
taking it on because I am thetype to be like I'm independent,
(07:05):
I will do it.
I'll get it done way quickerthan he can, but I'm learning to
let him do it on his own andlearn on his own, because if he
doesn't learn, then it fallsback on me too.
Oh yeah.
Speaker 4 (07:16):
So, no go ahead.
I was just going to say that alot of it does have to do with
that control piece.
Yes, Like I'm a little bit of amicromanager.
So if I could stay home andread books with my son or do
arts and crafts with my son, Iwould prefer to do that than
leave him with someone who mightjust turn on the TV or give him
(07:39):
the iPad.
Speaker 3 (07:40):
So there's some good television shows.
There are no, no.
Speaker 1 (07:43):
No.
Speaker 3 (07:45):
Like this is how I go on a list.
Watch Blaze on Amazon Prime.
There's like bad equations, butI understand.
I understand Someone's that youknow you're going to be active.
You can't trust the otherperson that they're going to do
as much as you might.
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (08:00):
But I also have to realize, like if I need a break,
then iPad is.
Speaker 3 (08:04):
OK, the goal is to keep the baby alive.
Speaker 4 (08:06):
I think that's the thing.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
It's not just boundaries with other people.
For me, it's boundaries withmyself, because I don't have
anyone to blame, honestly,unless I communicate.
Speaker 2 (08:18):
Unless.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
I set boundaries within myself, that I'm like OK,
Morgan, if you say yes to onemore thing, or OK, Morgan, if
you decide that you're going todo all this laundry and you know
this man is sitting right onthis couch while you're also
cooking dinner and you can tellhim to go put a load in.
That doesn't take rocketscience.
You know what I'm saying?
Just go and do that, but that'sno one's fault.
(08:41):
Put your own.
And let's be clear men do notread minds.
They're not going to take, Likethere's only but, so much
initiative.
They don't, there's only, butso much initiative they're going
to take.
They're not wired that way andthat's fine and it's not
personal to us, it's notpersonal at all.
So I'm like boundaries withmyself.
Speaker 4 (08:59):
So let me ask you all this then I know y'all the host
, but I have a question.
Speaker 1 (09:04):
Ok, I got a question.
Speaker 4 (09:06):
I love it.
Do y'all ever feel guiltybecause you feel like your
husband should be the one to goout make the money?
And do you feel guilty asking?
Speaker 3 (09:22):
I will say for me, my husband's in the entertainment
industry and owns, runs a wholelot of businesses, or what have
you.
So I get it, I get it.
I'm like he's the one primarilyworking, primarily bringing in
a bulk of the income, or whathave you.
But to me, being a parent isstill a separate job.
Like it's not like I'm the momand you're the moneymaker.
(09:43):
I'm like you're the mainbusiness person and we're both
parents.
But it took me a while to getthere because I was thinking now
I'm like, well, he's so busywith work and he's ex-wife and I
still think that often.
But at the end of the day I toldwhat I ended up telling my
husband is like, from 6 to 830,like before their bedtime,
dinner to bedtime, your dad LikeI need you to be present.
(10:03):
For this time I don't care ifyou're even on the couch and
you're still working, but I needyou to be present in this
moment Because even if you'restill working, they can glean
from that, they can learn fromthat and you're around.
But from this time when you'rehome, because he travels a lot,
I need you to be dad.
Like, great, you do this, butthis is a whole separate role
and I think before I saw it asyou do this and I do this, but
(10:25):
it's like no, you do thisBecause if you worked a 9 to 5
at a job, you still have to comehome and be mom.
And I think a lot of people canrecognize that.
They go to their 9 to 5 job andthey might have a great time,
they might have a bad time, butguess what, they get home, pick
their child up, take care andthey're mom.
It's not like especially bothparents working who gets to say
well?
Who gets to say well today?
(10:45):
So it's hard because it's amental thing.
It's a mental thing we'retelling ourselves.
They don't even tell us, or myhusband doesn't even tell me
that, but it's like I had to getmyself out of that for sure I
would say the same thing For me.
Speaker 1 (10:59):
I kind of do the same thing because I am home I mean,
I'm working from home, but myschedule is a lot looser than my
husband's and so a lot of thetimes, especially in a season of
he's like pushing, pedaling tothe metals type thing, there are
times where I'm like I don'twant to ask him to do this
because he's been working hard.
But I've talked a lot aboutrhythms and I think it's just
(11:22):
whatever the season is.
So there are times where it'slike we go into weeks,
especially if we know it's aweek that's coming up, that it's
going to be hard, it's going tobe tough, and we pretty much
have a meeting at the top of theweek and say, hey, this is what
I'm either expecting of you orthis is what I'm not expecting
of you, and it's thecommunication piece, and that
(11:43):
way there's no silent resentment, because that's honestly what
ends up happening.
It's like you have that guiltand you're like I don't want to
ask him for it, and then maybe acouple hours later, you done it
all.
Speaker 3 (11:54):
But you don't want to have to show up to do it.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
You're like, I'm going to the house, stop in the
door.
Closing the washer dry.
You know what I'm saying.
I'm just interfering, not inlove, not in honor.
Now you're just upset.
That's the energy around thehouse is all messed up, but if
you go into the week or go intothat season of all right, we
about to just put the you knowpavement, whatever the saying is
(12:16):
.
But if we do that, it's likeit's not easier.
Speaker 3 (12:20):
Not saying it's easy, it's just easier.
I think, yeah, setting theexpectation for sure makes a
huge difference.
Speaker 2 (12:27):
I think mine comes from a different point of view,
because I work from home with myhusband and I am the
breadwinner.
So for me it's more so like notmaking my husband feel guilty
for not doing the things of like, him seeing that I'm
overwhelmed and then him takingthat load off of me.
So it's just that balance oflike, please.
Like you see, I'm working likecommunicating and making sure
(12:51):
that we know.
So I'm from a different like,it's just different.
Speaker 3 (12:54):
Like.
Speaker 2 (12:56):
I don't feel guilty that I'm working and I'm trying
to like provide for our family.
It's more so like I'm making myhusband feel guilty that I'm
doing.
So that's something that I'mlike having to work through and
learn.
Speaker 3 (13:06):
Does that make sense?
Speaker 4 (13:07):
No they don't realize it yeah you don't.
Cause you?
I mean not, but men in generalprobably feel some sort of way,
with their wife being like abreadwinner Of course, yeah, and
it's funny.
Speaker 3 (13:18):
I grew up in a household where my mom was the
breadwinner but you would havenever known From the way she
respected him and even still thehouse, like the way the house,
and I don't know if she you know, mom.
I don't know if you secretlypresented my dad, cause she
still was the primary also child, like she when you take care of
me, the most.
They both worked nine to five.
She made more, but like shecame and she was my mom, yeah,
(13:39):
like she was more present orwhat have you.
So I think it just like depends,but she always respected it,
never brought up, and I think itjust matters how you carry it.
Speaker 2 (13:48):
I'm still working on that.
I'm still learning how to dothat like respectfully.
Speaker 3 (13:53):
Yeah, it's hard in this world, but what like?
Sorry.
So at what point do you startasking, like, do you ask for
help?
Like you have a meeting at thetop of the week or whatever you
said you're working on?
Like do you wait till it likegets to this moment where you
finally asked like?
You're asking, like, so youknow, with your husband, do you
ask?
You know?
Do you ask him?
(14:13):
Do you let him do?
What have you?
Like?
When do you ask your husband?
Do you wait till you're aboutto explode, or are you like you
ask him early or you just don'task at all?
Speaker 4 (14:20):
He's like my last resort, so like like I go
through like no, I don't meanthat in a bad way.
I just mean like I know he'sbusy, so I don't want to add one
more thing onto his plate.
So I usually go to my mom mymom not free.
I go to my friend my friend notfree.
Then I go to somebody else andthen this is my husband.
Speaker 3 (14:40):
I say.
A lot of cases I do that too.
I always say if I have to ask,if I ask you for something, it
means it's very important,because no one knows your
schedule better than me in mostcases, so like if I'm asking you
that means, it's okay, I need a.
yes, I need a yes, Like it's nota question, but I try to ask
more generally too, because myhusband was getting a little
(15:02):
offended because I was askinghim to do a lot of things.
But I'm like I'm asking youbecause I actually think you're
like the most impressive personin the world and I want my kids
to be like you I love ourbabysitter, I love your
assistant, but I want our kidsto represent us and I think
you're just like a smart person.
So I'm like, even if you'restill I said this earlier but
even if you're still working,even if they can come with you
(15:23):
on certain things, I just thinkit's important that they see you
in their, around you,especially having a son like I
want my son.
You're around women all day.
Yeah, yes, I need you aroundfor a while.
Speaker 4 (15:36):
I agree, I think he knows too, when I'm like babe, I
need to go play tennis, he'slike, okay, like he knows what
that means she about to pop.
Yeah, I like this.
Speaker 1 (15:46):
It was like a secret code.
Yeah, Like I don't even have tobecause sometimes you may not
even want to express that you'refeeling overwhelmed.
I know for me there are timeswhere I'm like I don't even want
to talk about it because I'mtrying to work through my own
feelings of like I've kind ofdone this to myself as far as
feeling birthorg Right now.
I'm just really stretched thenand I don't feel like explaining
(16:07):
that to you because, honestly,you know my schedule and I don't
feel like saying that Like Ijust feel overwhelmed Because
then I feel like, but maybe I'mnot strong as I thought, like I
don't like to say those thingsout loud, maybe that's a pride
thing, I don't know.
Speaker 3 (16:20):
No, it's my favorite saying we're not superheroes,
like when you see us doingeverything and you guys are like
so impressed, like, oh my gosh,morgan cooks and works and
someone help her.
Yeah, that means to me help anddoes them reels.
Yes, yes, exactly.
So the moment you see us andyou want to be like man.
She's a superhero, like figureout how to help that woman.
(16:41):
Check on me please.
Yes, check on her.
Compliment her If you check onher, you know and same with all
of us.
But what's the toll, like on ourmental health from doing all
these things that are seen andunseen?
Because a lot of times, likewhen you describe your day with
your child or as a mom, like weleave out 90% of this stuff.
(17:01):
Like when it's funny, you seelike reels, you're about to go
on vacation and you show the dadgetting ready versus us getting
ready yeah, like we do 500things.
Or you mentally go through somuch and the dad's like okay,
yeah.
Speaker 4 (17:15):
Yeah, yes.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
He's like putting on a shoe, yeah.
Speaker 3 (17:19):
Put in the bathroom real quick, grab his backpack.
So it's like how do you manageyour mental health?
Like how do you stay healthymentally with all the stuff that
we have on our plate.
Speaker 4 (17:29):
So for me now what I do and I just started this
because I'm still learning but Ihave two days a week where I'm
like nobody's on my calendar.
Okay, yeah, like.
So it's Wednesday and Thursdayand.
I'm like I'm doing whatever Iwant to, either my mom or my
nanny will watch and I just, ifthat's sleep, then it's just
(17:51):
sleep.
Yeah, but that's really helpedme.
It's really been super helpfuland I feel like now my son is in
school, so people are like, ohyeah, she's more free.
Speaker 3 (17:59):
You're like oh no, I'm not that school schedule's
too short.
It's way too short.
I know, I know I'm like I justgot you there.
It's time for you to come backalready.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
That's really hard, though.
The whole like even you'retaking time for yourself, but I
end up getting like feelingguilty that I'm taking time for
myself.
So if I'm laying down, I'm likeI feel lazy, I need to be like
cause.
Then I start thinking I gotlike three piles of laundry that
need to be done.
I need to.
And then I start like gettinganxious.
So now I'm starting to coachmyself into you deserve this
(18:32):
Like and actually this is theonly way you're going to be able
to move through the week SmoothIf you take some time and calm
down and like refresh you knowrefuel and I'm pro-gentle
parenting.
Speaker 4 (18:47):
So she thinks Child-gentle child.
Yeah, I'm pro-gentle parentingand I found that when I don't
take those days or those momentsfor myself.
Speaker 3 (18:57):
I snap you forget about gentle parenting.
Yeah, and I don't like that.
You're like I'm not a gentleparent if Wednesday and Thursday
don't happen, right.
Speaker 4 (19:04):
So and I always feel, really, really, I feel more
guilty about that than laundrynot being done.
Yeah, yeah, because it hasnothing to do with them.
Speaker 3 (19:14):
That's what I realized, like how I react to
them has more to do with me thanyeah, it's a whole, it's a like
a whole thing, have you putcertain things in place,
routines or anything like that?
Speaker 2 (19:26):
I live by routine.
I like if I don't have aroutine, I can't function.
Yeah so.
Yeah, I have routine.
I have lots of lists.
I make sure that my husband andI, like we meet, we make sure
that we're dividing the list,and I feel like that's really
helps me mentally, or even notfeeling as overwhelmed, because
I feel like my brain is in manydifferent boxes and so for me to
(19:49):
be able to function, I have toMake everything I like that too.
I'm about to implement that Giveme a gavel.
No well, arts is mostly on acalendar.
So, I have to do list on thecalendar and then I kind of just
tell him, like this is what Ihave going on for the day, and
then we just move on throughoutthe day because we both work
(20:10):
from home, so it's like I seehim all day.
Speaker 3 (20:12):
Yeah.
So I have a question becausenannies have helped me, mm-hmm,
greatly, but I get nanny guiltlike I even had someone comment
once like, oh, you have a nanny,this is not the show for me and
I felt like I had to explainlike yeah, they were watching
mom's actually, and I think Imentioned have one and it's like
you know it's, it can be aclass thing, it can be like, oh,
(20:34):
you need help.
You know it's all that kind ofstuff, but I like I had
postpartum anxiety with my first.
If I did not have she livedwith us like for that year, but
then I have her, I probablywould have gone insane.
So it's like I Don't know ifyou've ever dealt with nanny
guilt or how does that helpAlleviate a lot of what you have
to do, especially for someonewho is a micromanager, needs
(20:54):
control.
Do you let her help or thatperson?
Speaker 4 (20:56):
I totally let her help.
So I Actually my husband and Iwent to therapy because I did
not want a nanny.
It was a lot of other stuff.
But when I was pregnant we wentto therapy together because
he's like I don't understand whyshe doesn't want a nanny, like
we have the means, like it'llrelieve all the stress, etc.
But I realized that, sorry, mom, that, like you know, growing
(21:21):
up, or like once I was pregnant,mom's like you don't need a
nanny girl, like yeah, and thatlike stuck, that was like stuck
in my head.
Yeah.
I don't need a nanny, yeah butafter four months of being at
home with a newborn, and myhusband traveling around the
world.
Speaker 3 (21:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (21:38):
I needed a nanny, like he was right.
Yeah, I, yeah.
Speaker 3 (21:41):
I was so mad when I was pregnant he told me I needed
one.
I was like what are you talkingabout?
Yeah, so then when I had thebaby, I was like man, he was
right.
We ended up moving in with hismom because he traveled so much
and I was like I can't, like Ican't, I'll go like totally
insane.
Speaker 1 (21:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (21:55):
I do it myself.
Yeah, I just don't understand.
It's not stuck.
I think people also don'trecognize the level of nanny.
Speaker 1 (22:03):
Yeah, you know that means like sometimes, like you
were saying, like you're like,okay, I just need help with
these couple things, yeah, andif you can take these things off
my plate, this would help me.
Yeah, it doesn't mean thatyou're not doing the mom stuff.
It doesn't mean that you'restill, like you said, even with
the nanny and you're in thehouse, that child is still gonna
pass the nanny and come to youto open the top of the juice cup
(22:25):
, like it's still going tohappen.
But I think there's some typeof like mom shaming for some
reason, and I don't know if it'sa trigger.
Speaker 3 (22:34):
That's like projected you know other moms or do it
themselves?
Yeah, but I'm like people cando things by themselves.
But do you have your sanity, doyou have your mind?
Yeah, and they might, andthat's great.
But there's a lot that I'm sureif they could or would be open
to, it would help.
But I'm, my mom even made acomment.
She's like, yeah, I wanted,with all the help you had, like
if your kids would still feelclose to you, like so is she
(22:55):
didn't mean it about, but it'slike it's literally what people
think that was giving away yourchildren, being like I'll see
you at bedtime for a kid.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
You know like I think that's what people assume.
Yeah, I think everyone desiresto have one.
I just don't think that theycan afford one.
So therefore it becomes adefense of like.
I Can do this on my own, Idon't you know need someone,
yeah yeah, because when I was ananny I thought the same thing
too.
I was like why does?
Why did she hire me to take her, her kids, like?
But I realized that she wasdoing things for her own mental
(23:26):
health, like getting her nailsdone, making appointments to go
to the chiropractor.
She was doing all these thingsso that she can become like, so
that she could be a better momfor her family.
Yeah, so now, as a mom myself,I'm like I was a little judgment
, so I mean, she gave me to bethere, but I was like it's
definitely generational.
Speaker 1 (23:42):
Also like, especially as woman of color, we are To be
strong.
Speaker 3 (23:54):
Those are.
Speaker 1 (23:56):
To you, it's in brain , in us, it's in our blood and I
know that for a certain likewhen I first became a mom, like
my grandma Love you, grandma.
She would be like you gonnawear.
You need to do what you want,go out your friends for what you
need.
You know I'm like, well, I needa little break, yeah a break
(24:21):
I'm gonna have a break.
Yes, yes yes.
But no, she.
And now I think what's beenamazing and even with this show
I have had a good amount of likepeople from the previous
generation like, say, come up tome and say, oh my gosh, you
know, I wish I would have hadthis when I was younger.
I wish I would have likerecognized that I should have
(24:43):
taken more time for myself,because I think I would have
even raised my Children a littlebit.
You know, yeah, I would havedone a couple things differently
.
And we always say this ourparents and our grandparents,
they all did the best they could.
But the resources, thatresources that we have, but like
now, we have resources like aget well soon that you guys are
doing like, hey, come over hereand just do this Mindfulness
(25:06):
session or just come and takethis moment at this time for you
, but there's spaces that arecreated for that, and that
wasn't the thing.
Yeah so it's like a shock.
Yeah, you know that, thatprevious generation.
So I think that too.
The nanny thing, can you know?
Speaker 3 (25:20):
And I think what people aren't thinking about,
like when talking about thingsthat are invisible, that people
don't see.
I think sometimes we think of,like you know, I'm cooking, I'm
packing, I'm thinking all thisstuff like I had a child and I
had a miscarriage.
So I'm raising a child whilegoing through a miscarriage yeah
, my friend, raising a childwhile going, you know, trying to
find out if her child hasautism.
Like yeah, there's just so muchlike things that's always on
(25:43):
our minds trying to raise mykids so they can go to MIT.
So all the things I'm trying tolike do it in place, like it's
just.
I feel like there's so muchgoing in, like going on
internally to like raise thesekids that no one sees.
I think I had just had suchhigh expectations within me.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (26:01):
I'm trying to like meet all these things every
single day.
Even when I'm laying on thecouch doing nothing.
I'm like man.
I got to do this.
I got to make sure my kid isthis and it's just.
It is heavy.
So it's not even like thethings that I'm Doing every day.
It's like the mental.
Yes load is what's so heavy forme.
Speaker 4 (26:19):
So for me, I always say that, like, like, I wear
this necklace and it has 802 amMorning and people ask like what
did your necklace say I'm like802 am I?
Like?
What say I'm like?
Oh, it's my birth time and myson's birth time, oh.
And then I was born at the sametime.
It's my rebirth, oh so I like.
That like now I'm pro nanny, nowI'm pro like all this stuff.
(26:43):
Because, like you gave birth toa child, but now, like you're a
new one, like your morning,your morning, your old self.
Speaker 3 (26:51):
Because, you're never gonna be your old self again.
I don't know what.
Speaker 4 (26:53):
anybody no there's no more old Jenny, it's new Jenny.
So even now, like my son is too, and I'm still morning, my old
self.
Speaker 3 (27:02):
Yeah, so my child had a happy birthday and someone
wish me happy birthday?
No, but like births.
Speaker 2 (27:08):
I was like wait it is my birthday.
Speaker 3 (27:10):
Yes, why don't?
Speaker 1 (27:12):
I get anything.
Yes, so I love that I do reallylove that I was just.
There was something on Netflix Iwas watching and the girl was
like having a whole meltdown andher mom literally said that she
was like you are never going tobe the same and you might like
all those.
Yes, they're hormones, but alot of it is like internally,
that old you is dying, yes, andyou're mourning that old woman,
(27:35):
like that woman is gone and youare now like your new self and I
think about that in all ways.
The body I don't look at oldpictures anymore because I'm
like that girl, thatpre-pregnancy body.
No matter what, it's actuallynever coming back.
It's always going to besomething new.
So I love the rebirth concept.
Mind still that girl.
Speaker 3 (27:56):
We all about to have nicks.
I was, like dang y'all born atthe same exact time, but I have
been working on this concept.
Speaker 4 (28:05):
I don't mind have said it to you, morgan, but I
feel like women need new momsneed wellness checks, just like
their kids.
So, like you know, how you goand you take your.
After one week you take them tothe doctor.
They may ask you five questions, but then it's like okay,
you're good, but one week, twoweeks, however many like I feel
(28:28):
like every couple of weeksyou're going to take your
newborn to the doctor butnobody's really asking like, how
are you doing?
We need detailed questions too.
So I feel like creating somesort of mom wellness check just
with the baby wellness check islike super important, 100%.
Speaker 3 (28:47):
So this is where I get on my pedestal and talk
about.
I'm very passionate about this.
We know the four trimesterexists.
It's proven.
Doctors know it exists, it's athing.
So before we have the kids,like you said, we go every
single week to get them checked.
So if this fourth trimesterexists, where you know our
mental health is off because ofhormones, why are we not
(29:08):
required and I'm not saying it'sconvenient to go to therapy or
something every single week?
I don't care if you check.
Speaker 4 (29:16):
Everything is great on that fake postpartum test
that they give us, Like what doyou even know?
Yeah, you don't know or youdon't want to see or you think
they don't take your baby away,or something I don't want to
think crazy but it's likebecause they don't do that and
again they know it exists.
Speaker 3 (29:31):
My heart goes out to women I see that have harmed
their babies in their postpartumtimeline and I know it's cool
to say the four trimester.
I think it can extend past that.
Speaker 2 (29:40):
It's really help.
Speaker 3 (29:42):
It starts there and then it can become a true mental
health issue following that.
But my heart goes out to thembecause I think the thing is
when we try to share, yeah, it'shard, someone will be like, but
it's going to be okay.
You know it gets better, and sothen you're like, okay, and
then if it doesn't get better?
you don't feel normal, you don'tfeel okay or people look at you
crazy.
So now you're trying to holdall of this in and the next
(30:03):
thing, you know, you see whatwe've seen in the headlines or
you know what people have hurtthemselves or their children or
they're just totally mentallyimbalanced and I think there
needs to be wellness checks.
I mean it would be great ifthat was part of public health,
but it should definitely be aprivate, like a private health
option, because, yeah, Iprobably lied all over that
little.
Speaker 4 (30:21):
Oh seriously, I was like they ain't going to say I'm
crazy.
Yeah, I was crazy, yeah, I was.
That's how I knew I needed help, though.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (30:30):
When you were talking about, like the check.
Yeah, in the check and like youmentioned something, but after,
when Nigel was three months,like I cried every day after he
was born and he was like threemonths, almost four, like I was
crying.
It was, we were home alone, Iwas crying, he was crying and it
got so bad Like we were justlooking at each other crying and
(30:52):
I literally thought aboutleaving him on the bed and
running.
And after that thought I waslike oh no, I got to go see
somebody.
Speaker 3 (30:59):
Yeah, see, because there's so many people that get
to that point and they stilldon't yeah.
And it's scary, but it's likepeople don't share that Because
they don't want to be felt acertain way.
But you know how many peopleare looking at going to watch
this and be like girl, justleaving them on the bed.
You knew what I was thinkingand then it looks different for
(31:21):
everybody.
I would say I wasn't cryingevery day, I just felt like I
did not want to be around.
Yeah, I was like I need like wecould have been here and someone
says they need help three,three hours away.
I forgot my gum three hours.
I'll go get your gum.
Speaker 2 (31:33):
I'm not going to the gas station.
Speaker 4 (31:34):
I'm going to throw and I'm leaving my child here.
Speaker 3 (31:36):
I literally drove eight hours once to my parents
house because the baby wouldn'tstop crying at 5 am and I was
like I didn't know what else todo.
I knew the car made her go tosleep, I didn't know, but people
don't talk about thatespecially in real time so
everybody's alone feeling heavyand mentally unstable.
Speaker 4 (31:51):
And we couldn't get pregnant right away, so we did
IVF.
Ok, doing IVF, yeah, all thosehormones, having the baby and
then being unhappy once I havethe baby.
I was feeling like guilty, likeI did all of this because I
wanted a baby so bad and now I'mlike unhappy about it.
Speaker 3 (32:08):
So yeah, and that's just a lot fair to you.
Yeah, yeah, it's just, butpeople don't talk about it.
No, you ever have a moment likethat.
Speaker 2 (32:16):
I think with the first kid.
Yeah, I was staring a lot outthe window when staring at him.
Why he's staring at me?
I?
Speaker 3 (32:25):
Just see the chin-tuck now like a real life.
Speaker 2 (32:29):
I was like I don't know what to do.
But even when I communicated it, my husband still didn't know
how to.
Yeah, be there for me, yeah, Imean sense like I was like this
time, feeling he's like, oh,okay, it's gonna be okay.
Yeah so, but like that.
But then who do you talk toabout it, who can really help
you, especially because, like I,didn't have people who were
pregnant at the time or havebabies so Do you guys have any
(32:51):
advice for anyone who, likewho's had a baby?
or like strut, you know, don'thave a community or have someone
there to Walk through the likeI'm feeling lonely or I'm
feeling like I'm gonna hurtmyself or my kid yeah, cuz I
feel like we've seen that acouple times.
Speaker 1 (33:06):
Like we talk a lot on this platform about community
and about sisterhood, and thenthey're like, well, what if I
don't have that?
Yeah, and so then, especiallywith this topic, it's like what
do you do?
You know?
Where do you go?
Where do you turn to if youdon't have the people that you
can immediately Touch withinarms reach?
Are there systems that youcould put it?
(33:27):
You know, I don't know, or isthere a?
What is it like?
How would you do you haveanything?
Because I don't have the answer.
Speaker 2 (33:34):
I feel like there are some Facebook groups, though,
that I did join after I likestarted breastfeeding, or like I
just was a first-time mom, orlike Black.
They have like black moms, likegroups that you can join, and I
felt a lot connected to thosegroups, like cuz I didn't feel
alone.
So I think that was one waythat helped me realize, like yo,
I'm not doing this by myself.
Even though I didn't know anyof these women, I'm so thankful
(33:55):
because they Like all here onthis book together.
Speaker 1 (34:02):
Yeah, I do think that that's.
Speaker 4 (34:04):
That's a good point, that is true, I used, you know,
like the baby apps that you use.
Yeah, I had a water.
After you have the baby.
Some of them have likepostpartum forums.
Speaker 1 (34:18):
Yeah, yeah, yeah and just say what you, and there's
no judge.
Speaker 3 (34:22):
I didn't really say anything Because you could see
stuff that you reckon yeah, soyou didn't even have to put it
that makes sense yeah.
I think also when some I thinkfinding someone you trust.
I don't even think they have tobe a month, like when you're
just worried about yourself.
Maybe you don't want adviceback, you just need someone to
be like a sound.
Yeah, I see you're really.
When they say like oh, you'll beokay, like no, I really don't
(34:46):
think I'll be okay, I don'tthink we can be afraid to be
judged in that moment, becauseI'd rather be judged in that
moment, then end up, yeah thefive o'clock news.
Yeah, yeah like you got tochoose your heart and I would
choose the immediate, that's it.
Speaker 4 (35:00):
But I think when more people talking about it like
this platform is great, likePeople will become more
comfortable like saying about ityeah.
Speaker 3 (35:08):
Yeah, it's less of a secret, I think with social,
like our parents and everybodybefore that which, even even
though prayer is good and ithelped me a lot.
Speaker 1 (35:21):
I will say, if I was in the situation like we were
just saying, with not having acommunity, with not having
people, I could pray all day andI know that God will sustain me
, yeah, but there would bedefinitely some loneliness that
I would feel there would be anemptiness that I would feel,
because I'm like, okay, no, what?
Like after I pray, I close myeyes and say, okay, thank you,
(35:41):
lord, you know what next.
Yeah and yeah, and I also haveto check myself and say, if I'm
gonna ask for help, what help amI actually looking for?
Speaker 3 (35:50):
Yeah, sometimes we don't know.
Yeah, and because your husbandbe trying to help you sometimes,
yeah, I'm like well, I don'tneed that.
Speaker 2 (35:59):
Yeah, so what?
Speaker 1 (36:00):
is it?
And I would say that to any momlike if you are in that
position and you feel that wayand you're like I need help, try
your best to kind of go into itwith what you're actually
looking for, so that you canalso communicate that yeah,
because once people starthelping and hey, girl, I'm gonna
come over and I'm gonna justsit with you Well maybe you
(36:20):
don't want to be sad with you.
Maybe you actually want to sitwith the baby while you go out
and get some fresh air.
Actually, I won't be sittingwith you.
I won't be sitting.
Do you have any like finalwords for moms who you know are
going through this and areFeeling that invisible load of
motherhood and trying to bouncelike do you have a tip or any
(36:43):
advice for them at all?
Speaker 4 (36:45):
um, I Think your word boundaries is great.
Even though I'm not that greatat it, I'm working on it and I
think that comes into meimplementing those two days.
That's a boundary, so even ifit's something that small, do it
like, don't be scared to askfor help at all, yeah, that's it
(37:07):
.
Speaker 3 (37:20):
Oh for sure.
Yeah, I want to hear everybodyelse's experiences as well.
Speaker 2 (37:23):
Well, thank you so much for joining us today.
Thank you for being here.
This was such an amazingepisode and just the discussion
that needed to be had.
You are doing a phenomenal jobas a mom and we really
appreciate your advice, yourencouragement to other moms and
ladies and moms or gentlemen.
If you guys have any advice formoms who are walking through a
(37:45):
season like we've all had,please comment down below.
We would love to hear what youhave to say and share your heart
with us.
Um, thank you for joining ustoday.
We love you guys.
Yeah, this is mom's actuallywhere motherhood meets
sisterhood.
Welcome back to Moms.
Actually, I am Morgan, theseare my co-hosts Sopa Rush and
I'm Blair, and today we aretalking about mental health, the
invisible load of motherhood,and we have none other than
Ginny Virginia Thornton herewith us.
(00:22):
She is the owner or co-ownerand co-founder of Black Girl
Tennis Club, as well as Get Wellsoon.
So she is like all thingswellness, all things mental
health and we just could notfind someone better Like why
would we do?
that we are really excited tohave you here.
(00:43):
Thank you so much for joiningus.
Thanks for having me.
This is gonna be a really greatepisode, so I'm just excited to
jump right in Now, because youare a new to the show new to the
couch.
you're a new player, You'regonna play this game and I'm
gonna just explain it reallyquick.
This is called it's GivingMotherhood.
Now, gold is yes, white is no.
In the middle is like sometimes, maybe, and you know, first
(01:07):
answer is the right answer, sodon't think too hard about it,
okay.
Don't doubt yourself.
All right, so I'm gonna getright into it.
Do you go to therapy?
Yes, sometimes You're doingreally good, thank you?
Speaker 3 (01:20):
yeah, I have great there?
Speaker 1 (01:22):
Do being a mother affect your mental health?
100%, yes, 1,000%.
Do you have consistent?
Speaker 3 (01:31):
do you?
Speaker 1 (01:32):
have consistent health.
Speaker 3 (01:34):
I'm gonna be honest, yes, consistent.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
Yeah, I'm gonna be honest.
Do you view being a mom as afull-time job?
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Absolutely full-time job yes.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
Do you feel it is possible to parent equally?
I would say, yes, I think so.
I think it's possible, is itpossible?
Is it possible?
Speaker 4 (01:55):
Yes, does it commonly happen.
Probably not, no.
The question is is it possible?
Speaker 3 (02:00):
You don't even think it's possible.
No.
Speaker 1 (02:02):
I like that.
No, I actually agree with you.
We're gonna unpack it.
I agree with you, I like that.
Okay, we're gonna come back tothat.
Do you wish you were moreacknowledged for your role as a
mother?
Yes, I do.
Speaker 3 (02:14):
I mean, I think I am acknowledged, but I'll take more
.
Speaker 4 (02:17):
Yeah, I'll take more.
You can never have enough right.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
Do you communicate with your needs to your spouse
when you feel like you have somuch on your plate?
Speaker 2 (02:25):
Sometimes I do.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
Sometimes Do you feel like you take time to nurture
yourself?
Yes, sometimes.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
Sometimes no.
Speaker 3 (02:34):
Do you feel so?
Yeah, I know, she said, I gotyou you and me, but not me, but
not me.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
Do you have a hard time saying no?
Getting better at this.
Who am I?
Speaker 3 (02:47):
saying no to Anybody.
It depends.
Speaker 4 (02:51):
It does depend.
It depends Because I got astrong no sometimes Do you find
it easy to ask for help?
Speaker 1 (02:57):
Yes, 100%.
Speaker 3 (02:59):
Sometimes Sometimes.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
Yeah, yeah, these are kind of hard, do you?
Speaker 1 (03:04):
openly express your feelings with your children.
So, for example, I'm anxiousbecause I'm feeling sad right
now.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
Yes, you do that.
I could do better.
I could do better as well.
I'm huge on that.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
Yes, so let's just dive right in.
I want to go back to thequestion where you said you do
not feel that it is equal, Likeyou can't, it's impossible.
What do you think?
Speaker 4 (03:27):
Especially in my world.
I feel like it's just notpossible.
But usually, usually, I feellike the man has a role and the
woman has a role, and I feellike children tend to gravitate
to their mothers more.
So, even if the man wanted tostep in and have a 50-50 role, I
(03:49):
just feel like it's notpossible.
Like my son would never let myhusband have a 50-50 role.
Like it's me and I was about tosay me only, but it's not.
Speaker 3 (04:00):
I think that's why it's the invisible load of
motherhood, because it's likeall the stuff that people can't
see that's just biological ornatural to us.
I always say people are like,if you go somewhere and if it's
too much for you, just bringsomebody with you.
And I'm like cool, I can bringsomeone with me, but you know
where my kids are going to be,right here.
Like your kids want you andthey prefer you and I purposely
(04:23):
move my kids.
Like your dad, how did you passyour?
dad to come all the way overhere up here to ask me to open
your fruit tax.
Speaker 4 (04:32):
Break down the bathroom door to ask you to.
Oh my gosh, you know what Istarted doing, though.
Speaker 1 (04:36):
I started.
When they do that and they doit often, like right before I
left to come here, my daughterliterally passed her dad, came
upstairs and asked me to put hershoelaces back in her shoes and
I said you see, I'm literallygetting ready, I'm packing, I'm
doing all these things.
I said absolutely not.
I said go back downstairs andask your dad.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
Oh, now.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
I send them back down instead of doing it, because I
feel like if I'm doing it oncethey pass them, I'm affirming
the fact that they can continueto ask me and not ask him.
So that's what I've started.
Speaker 3 (05:05):
That's very true.
What boundaries do you guys putin place, like Morgan, to make
sure you can at least lessen theload, because I think sometimes
we put so much on us, naturallybecause it's so much easier to
do it, do it quicker, do it ourway, which is the best way.
Like I tell a lot of new momsI'm like, even if they put the
(05:25):
dive wrong backwards, that'stheir business.
Like that's the father'sbusiness, like because, at the
end of the day, I don't know ifyou guys ever watched a simple
life Parasilt on top people.
If you do it wrong, they'llstop asking you to do it.
So once you stop asking them todo it, like you know, then
they're like oh well, you've gotit and all of a sudden you're
doing everything.
So what boundaries do you putin place so that doesn't happen
(05:46):
For your husband yeah, for yourhusband, your partner or
whoever's helping you with childrearing?
What boundaries do you put onyour place, on yourself, so that
you don't do everythingyourself?
She don't put no boundaries.
Speaker 4 (05:58):
I'm gonna be honest, I'm yeah, I need to get better
at that.
So I really that's probablycontributing to my mental health
is because there are noboundaries, like my son comes
first and whatever he wants he's.
Speaker 3 (06:16):
Is that boy sleeping in your bed?
No, he's not.
Oh, ok, no, he's not.
She said I got one boundary,yeah that's the boundary, ok.
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (06:25):
In my house when I home, he's sleeping in my bed.
Ok, oh see, ok wait.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
You have to eat this.
Speaker 3 (06:32):
She said I'm going to say this part quiet, Right.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
When you got home, you just did better.
Speaker 3 (06:37):
What about you?
What boundaries do you guys putin place that she might be able
to implement?
I said my you go ahead.
Speaker 2 (06:44):
I think for us it's just over communicating, really
just being like I'm overwhelmedright now so I need you to take
the kids so that I can get mywork done or that I need to have
some me time.
So I think, after being fouryears in it I've been on my for
four years I'm learning how tobetter communicate instead of
taking it on because I am thetype to be like I'm independent,
(07:05):
I will do it.
I'll get it done way quickerthan he can, but I'm learning to
let him do it on his own andlearn on his own, because if he
doesn't learn, then it fallsback on me too.
Oh yeah.
Speaker 4 (07:16):
So, no go ahead.
I was just going to say that alot of it does have to do with
that control piece.
Yes, Like I'm a little bit of amicromanager.
So if I could stay home andread books with my son or do
arts and crafts with my son, Iwould prefer to do that than
leave him with someone who mightjust turn on the TV or give him
(07:39):
the iPad.
Speaker 3 (07:40):
So there's some good television shows.
There are no, no.
Speaker 1 (07:43):
No.
Speaker 3 (07:45):
Like this is how I go on a list.
Watch Blaze on Amazon Prime.
There's like bad equations, butI understand.
I understand Someone's that youknow you're going to be active.
You can't trust the otherperson that they're going to do
as much as you might.
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (08:00):
But I also have to realize, like if I need a break,
then iPad is.
Speaker 3 (08:04):
OK, the goal is to keep the baby alive.
Speaker 4 (08:06):
I think that's the thing.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
It's not just boundaries with other people.
For me, it's boundaries withmyself, because I don't have
anyone to blame, honestly,unless I communicate.
Speaker 2 (08:18):
Unless.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
I set boundaries within myself, that I'm like OK,
Morgan, if you say yes to onemore thing, or OK, Morgan, if
you decide that you're going todo all this laundry and you know
this man is sitting right onthis couch while you're also
cooking dinner and you can tellhim to go put a load in.
That doesn't take rocketscience.
You know what I'm saying?
Just go and do that, but that'sno one's fault.
(08:41):
Put your own.
And let's be clear men do notread minds.
They're not going to take, Likethere's only but, so much
initiative.
They don't, there's only, butso much initiative they're going
to take.
They're not wired that way andthat's fine and it's not
personal to us, it's notpersonal at all.
So I'm like boundaries withmyself.
Speaker 4 (08:59):
So let me ask you all this then I know y'all the host
, but I have a question.
Speaker 1 (09:04):
Ok, I got a question.
Speaker 4 (09:06):
I love it.
Do y'all ever feel guiltybecause you feel like your
husband should be the one to goout make the money?
And do you feel guilty asking?
Speaker 3 (09:22):
I will say for me, my husband's in the entertainment
industry and owns, runs a wholelot of businesses, or what have
you.
So I get it, I get it.
I'm like he's the one primarilyworking, primarily bringing in
a bulk of the income, or whathave you.
But to me, being a parent isstill a separate job.
Like it's not like I'm the momand you're the moneymaker.
(09:43):
I'm like you're the mainbusiness person and we're both
parents.
But it took me a while to getthere because I was thinking now
I'm like, well, he's so busywith work and he's ex-wife and I
still think that often.
But at the end of the day I toldwhat I ended up telling my
husband is like, from 6 to 830,like before their bedtime,
dinner to bedtime, your dad LikeI need you to be present.
(10:03):
For this time I don't care ifyou're even on the couch and
you're still working, but I needyou to be present in this
moment Because even if you'restill working, they can glean
from that, they can learn fromthat and you're around.
But from this time when you'rehome, because he travels a lot,
I need you to be dad.
Like, great, you do this, butthis is a whole separate role
and I think before I saw it asyou do this and I do this, but
(10:25):
it's like no, you do thisBecause if you worked a 9 to 5
at a job, you still have to comehome and be mom.
And I think a lot of people canrecognize that.
They go to their 9 to 5 job andthey might have a great time,
they might have a bad time, butguess what, they get home, pick
their child up, take care andthey're mom.
It's not like especially bothparents working who gets to say
well?
Who gets to say well today?
(10:45):
So it's hard because it's amental thing.
It's a mental thing we'retelling ourselves.
They don't even tell us, or myhusband doesn't even tell me
that, but it's like I had to getmyself out of that for sure I
would say the same thing For me.
Speaker 1 (10:59):
I kind of do the same thing because I am home I mean,
I'm working from home, but myschedule is a lot looser than my
husband's and so a lot of thetimes, especially in a season of
he's like pushing, pedaling tothe metals type thing, there are
times where I'm like I don'twant to ask him to do this
because he's been working hard.
But I've talked a lot aboutrhythms and I think it's just
(11:22):
whatever the season is.
So there are times where it'slike we go into weeks,
especially if we know it's aweek that's coming up, that it's
going to be hard, it's going tobe tough, and we pretty much
have a meeting at the top of theweek and say, hey, this is what
I'm either expecting of you orthis is what I'm not expecting
of you, and it's thecommunication piece, and that
(11:43):
way there's no silent resentment, because that's honestly what
ends up happening.
It's like you have that guiltand you're like I don't want to
ask him for it, and then maybe acouple hours later, you done it
all.
Speaker 3 (11:54):
But you don't want to have to show up to do it.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
You're like, I'm going to the house, stop in the
door.
Closing the washer dry.
You know what I'm saying.
I'm just interfering, not inlove, not in honor.
Now you're just upset.
That's the energy around thehouse is all messed up, but if
you go into the week or go intothat season of all right, we
about to just put the you knowpavement, whatever the saying is
(12:16):
.
But if we do that, it's likeit's not easier.
Speaker 3 (12:20):
Not saying it's easy, it's just easier.
I think, yeah, setting theexpectation for sure makes a
huge difference.
Speaker 2 (12:27):
I think mine comes from a different point of view,
because I work from home with myhusband and I am the
breadwinner.
So for me it's more so like notmaking my husband feel guilty
for not doing the things of like, him seeing that I'm
overwhelmed and then him takingthat load off of me.
So it's just that balance oflike, please.
Like you see, I'm working likecommunicating and making sure
(12:51):
that we know.
So I'm from a different like,it's just different.
Speaker 3 (12:54):
Like.
Speaker 2 (12:56):
I don't feel guilty that I'm working and I'm trying
to like provide for our family.
It's more so like I'm making myhusband feel guilty that I'm
doing.
So that's something that I'mlike having to work through and
learn.
Speaker 3 (13:06):
Does that make sense?
Speaker 4 (13:07):
No they don't realize it yeah you don't.
Cause you?
I mean not, but men in generalprobably feel some sort of way,
with their wife being like abreadwinner Of course, yeah, and
it's funny.
Speaker 3 (13:18):
I grew up in a household where my mom was the
breadwinner but you would havenever known From the way she
respected him and even still thehouse, like the way the house,
and I don't know if she you know, mom.
I don't know if you secretlypresented my dad, cause she
still was the primary also child, like she when you take care of
me, the most.
They both worked nine to five.
She made more, but like shecame and she was my mom, yeah,
(13:39):
like she was more present orwhat have you.
So I think it just like depends,but she always respected it,
never brought up, and I think itjust matters how you carry it.
Speaker 2 (13:48):
I'm still working on that.
I'm still learning how to dothat like respectfully.
Speaker 3 (13:53):
Yeah, it's hard in this world, but what like?
Sorry.
So at what point do you startasking, like, do you ask for
help?
Like you have a meeting at thetop of the week or whatever you
said you're working on?
Like do you wait till it likegets to this moment where you
finally asked like?
You're asking, like, so youknow, with your husband, do you
ask?
You know?
Do you ask him?
(14:13):
Do you let him do?
What have you?
Like?
When do you ask your husband?
Do you wait till you're aboutto explode, or are you like you
ask him early or you just don'task at all?
Speaker 4 (14:20):
He's like my last resort, so like like I go
through like no, I don't meanthat in a bad way.
I just mean like I know he'sbusy, so I don't want to add one
more thing onto his plate.
So I usually go to my mom mymom not free.
I go to my friend my friend notfree.
Then I go to somebody else andthen this is my husband.
Speaker 3 (14:40):
I say.
A lot of cases I do that too.
I always say if I have to ask,if I ask you for something, it
means it's very important,because no one knows your
schedule better than me in mostcases, so like if I'm asking you
that means, it's okay, I need a.
yes, I need a yes, Like it's nota question, but I try to ask
more generally too, because myhusband was getting a little
(15:02):
offended because I was askinghim to do a lot of things.
But I'm like I'm asking youbecause I actually think you're
like the most impressive personin the world and I want my kids
to be like you I love ourbabysitter, I love your
assistant, but I want our kidsto represent us and I think
you're just like a smart person.
So I'm like, even if you'restill I said this earlier but
even if you're still working,even if they can come with you
(15:23):
on certain things, I just thinkit's important that they see you
in their, around you,especially having a son like I
want my son.
You're around women all day.
Yeah, yes, I need you aroundfor a while.
Speaker 4 (15:36):
I agree, I think he knows too, when I'm like babe, I
need to go play tennis, he'slike, okay, like he knows what
that means she about to pop.
Yeah, I like this.
Speaker 1 (15:46):
It was like a secret code.
Yeah, Like I don't even have tobecause sometimes you may not
even want to express that you'refeeling overwhelmed.
I know for me there are timeswhere I'm like I don't even want
to talk about it because I'mtrying to work through my own
feelings of like I've kind ofdone this to myself as far as
feeling birthorg Right now.
I'm just really stretched thenand I don't feel like explaining
(16:07):
that to you because, honestly,you know my schedule and I don't
feel like saying that Like Ijust feel overwhelmed Because
then I feel like, but maybe I'mnot strong as I thought, like I
don't like to say those thingsout loud, maybe that's a pride
thing, I don't know.
Speaker 3 (16:20):
No, it's my favorite saying we're not superheroes,
like when you see us doingeverything and you guys are like
so impressed, like, oh my gosh,morgan cooks and works and
someone help her.
Yeah, that means to me help anddoes them reels.
Yes, yes, exactly.
So the moment you see us andyou want to be like man.
She's a superhero, like figureout how to help that woman.
(16:41):
Check on me please.
Yes, check on her.
Compliment her If you check onher, you know and same with all
of us.
But what's the toll, like on ourmental health from doing all
these things that are seen andunseen?
Because a lot of times, likewhen you describe your day with
your child or as a mom, like weleave out 90% of this stuff.
(17:01):
Like when it's funny, you seelike reels, you're about to go
on vacation and you show the dadgetting ready versus us getting
ready yeah, like we do 500things.
Or you mentally go through somuch and the dad's like okay,
yeah.
Speaker 4 (17:15):
Yeah, yes.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
He's like putting on a shoe, yeah.
Speaker 3 (17:19):
Put in the bathroom real quick, grab his backpack.
So it's like how do you manageyour mental health?
Like how do you stay healthymentally with all the stuff that
we have on our plate.
Speaker 4 (17:29):
So for me now what I do and I just started this
because I'm still learning but Ihave two days a week where I'm
like nobody's on my calendar.
Okay, yeah, like.
So it's Wednesday and Thursdayand.
I'm like I'm doing whatever Iwant to, either my mom or my
nanny will watch and I just, ifthat's sleep, then it's just
(17:51):
sleep.
Yeah, but that's really helpedme.
It's really been super helpfuland I feel like now my son is in
school, so people are like, ohyeah, she's more free.
Speaker 3 (17:59):
You're like oh no, I'm not that school schedule's
too short.
It's way too short.
I know, I know I'm like I justgot you there.
It's time for you to come backalready.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
That's really hard, though.
The whole like even you'retaking time for yourself, but I
end up getting like feelingguilty that I'm taking time for
myself.
So if I'm laying down, I'm likeI feel lazy, I need to be like
cause.
Then I start thinking I gotlike three piles of laundry that
need to be done.
I need to.
And then I start like gettinganxious.
So now I'm starting to coachmyself into you deserve this
(18:32):
Like and actually this is theonly way you're going to be able
to move through the week SmoothIf you take some time and calm
down and like refresh you knowrefuel and I'm pro-gentle
parenting.
Speaker 4 (18:47):
So she thinks Child-gentle child.
Yeah, I'm pro-gentle parentingand I found that when I don't
take those days or those momentsfor myself.
Speaker 3 (18:57):
I snap you forget about gentle parenting.
Yeah, and I don't like that.
You're like I'm not a gentleparent if Wednesday and Thursday
don't happen, right.
Speaker 4 (19:04):
So and I always feel, really, really, I feel more
guilty about that than laundrynot being done.
Yeah, yeah, because it hasnothing to do with them.
Speaker 3 (19:14):
That's what I realized, like how I react to
them has more to do with me thanyeah, it's a whole, it's a like
a whole thing, have you putcertain things in place,
routines or anything like that?
Speaker 2 (19:26):
I live by routine.
I like if I don't have aroutine, I can't function.
Yeah so.
Yeah, I have routine.
I have lots of lists.
I make sure that my husband andI, like we meet, we make sure
that we're dividing the list,and I feel like that's really
helps me mentally, or even notfeeling as overwhelmed, because
I feel like my brain is in manydifferent boxes and so for me to
(19:49):
be able to function, I have toMake everything I like that too.
I'm about to implement that Giveme a gavel.
No well, arts is mostly on acalendar.
So, I have to do list on thecalendar and then I kind of just
tell him, like this is what Ihave going on for the day, and
then we just move on throughoutthe day because we both work
(20:10):
from home, so it's like I seehim all day.
Speaker 3 (20:12):
Yeah.
So I have a question becausenannies have helped me, mm-hmm,
greatly, but I get nanny guiltlike I even had someone comment
once like, oh, you have a nanny,this is not the show for me and
I felt like I had to explainlike yeah, they were watching
mom's actually, and I think Imentioned have one and it's like
you know it's, it can be aclass thing, it can be like, oh,
(20:34):
you need help.
You know it's all that kind ofstuff, but I like I had
postpartum anxiety with my first.
If I did not have she livedwith us like for that year, but
then I have her, I probablywould have gone insane.
So it's like I Don't know ifyou've ever dealt with nanny
guilt or how does that helpAlleviate a lot of what you have
to do, especially for someonewho is a micromanager, needs
(20:54):
control.
Do you let her help or thatperson?
Speaker 4 (20:56):
I totally let her help.
So I Actually my husband and Iwent to therapy because I did
not want a nanny.
It was a lot of other stuff.
But when I was pregnant we wentto therapy together because
he's like I don't understand whyshe doesn't want a nanny, like
we have the means, like it'llrelieve all the stress, etc.
But I realized that, sorry, mom, that, like you know, growing
(21:21):
up, or like once I was pregnant,mom's like you don't need a
nanny girl, like yeah, and thatlike stuck, that was like stuck
in my head.
Yeah.
I don't need a nanny, yeah butafter four months of being at
home with a newborn, and myhusband traveling around the
world.
Speaker 3 (21:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (21:38):
I needed a nanny, like he was right.
Yeah, I, yeah.
Speaker 3 (21:41):
I was so mad when I was pregnant he told me I needed
one.
I was like what are you talkingabout?
Yeah, so then when I had thebaby, I was like man, he was
right.
We ended up moving in with hismom because he traveled so much
and I was like I can't, like Ican't, I'll go like totally
insane.
Speaker 1 (21:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (21:55):
I do it myself.
Yeah, I just don't understand.
It's not stuck.
I think people also don'trecognize the level of nanny.
Speaker 1 (22:03):
Yeah, you know that means like sometimes, like you
were saying, like you're like,okay, I just need help with
these couple things, yeah, andif you can take these things off
my plate, this would help me.
Yeah, it doesn't mean thatyou're not doing the mom stuff.
It doesn't mean that you'restill, like you said, even with
the nanny and you're in thehouse, that child is still gonna
pass the nanny and come to youto open the top of the juice cup
(22:25):
, like it's still going tohappen.
But I think there's some typeof like mom shaming for some
reason, and I don't know if it'sa trigger.
Speaker 3 (22:34):
That's like projected you know other moms or do it
themselves?
Yeah, but I'm like people cando things by themselves.
But do you have your sanity, doyou have your mind?
Yeah, and they might, andthat's great.
But there's a lot that I'm sureif they could or would be open
to, it would help.
But I'm, my mom even made acomment.
She's like, yeah, I wanted,with all the help you had, like
if your kids would still feelclose to you, like so is she
(22:55):
didn't mean it about, but it'slike it's literally what people
think that was giving away yourchildren, being like I'll see
you at bedtime for a kid.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
You know like I think that's what people assume.
Yeah, I think everyone desiresto have one.
I just don't think that theycan afford one.
So therefore it becomes adefense of like.
I Can do this on my own, Idon't you know need someone,
yeah yeah, because when I was ananny I thought the same thing
too.
I was like why does?
Why did she hire me to take her, her kids, like?
But I realized that she wasdoing things for her own mental
(23:26):
health, like getting her nailsdone, making appointments to go
to the chiropractor.
She was doing all these thingsso that she can become like, so
that she could be a better momfor her family.
Yeah, so now, as a mom myself,I'm like I was a little judgment
, so I mean, she gave me to bethere, but I was like it's
definitely generational.
Speaker 1 (23:42):
Also like, especially as woman of color, we are To be
strong.
Speaker 3 (23:54):
Those are.
Speaker 1 (23:56):
To you, it's in brain , in us, it's in our blood and I
know that for a certain likewhen I first became a mom, like
my grandma Love you, grandma.
She would be like you gonnawear.
You need to do what you want,go out your friends for what you
need.
You know I'm like, well, I needa little break, yeah a break
(24:21):
I'm gonna have a break.
Yes, yes yes.
But no, she.
And now I think what's beenamazing and even with this show
I have had a good amount of likepeople from the previous
generation like, say, come up tome and say, oh my gosh, you
know, I wish I would have hadthis when I was younger.
I wish I would have likerecognized that I should have
(24:43):
taken more time for myself,because I think I would have
even raised my Children a littlebit.
You know, yeah, I would havedone a couple things differently
.
And we always say this ourparents and our grandparents,
they all did the best they could.
But the resources, thatresources that we have, but like
now, we have resources like aget well soon that you guys are
doing like, hey, come over hereand just do this Mindfulness
(25:06):
session or just come and takethis moment at this time for you
, but there's spaces that arecreated for that, and that
wasn't the thing.
Yeah so it's like a shock.
Yeah, you know that, thatprevious generation.
So I think that too.
The nanny thing, can you know?
Speaker 3 (25:20):
And I think what people aren't thinking about,
like when talking about thingsthat are invisible, that people
don't see.
I think sometimes we think of,like you know, I'm cooking, I'm
packing, I'm thinking all thisstuff like I had a child and I
had a miscarriage.
So I'm raising a child whilegoing through a miscarriage yeah
, my friend, raising a childwhile going, you know, trying to
find out if her child hasautism.
Like yeah, there's just so muchlike things that's always on
(25:43):
our minds trying to raise mykids so they can go to MIT.
So all the things I'm trying tolike do it in place, like it's
just.
I feel like there's so muchgoing in, like going on
internally to like raise thesekids that no one sees.
I think I had just had suchhigh expectations within me.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (26:01):
I'm trying to like meet all these things every
single day.
Even when I'm laying on thecouch doing nothing.
I'm like man.
I got to do this.
I got to make sure my kid isthis and it's just.
It is heavy.
So it's not even like thethings that I'm Doing every day.
It's like the mental.
Yes load is what's so heavy forme.
Speaker 4 (26:19):
So for me, I always say that, like, like, I wear
this necklace and it has 802 amMorning and people ask like what
did your necklace say I'm like802 am I?
Like?
What say I'm like?
Oh, it's my birth time and myson's birth time, oh.
And then I was born at the sametime.
It's my rebirth, oh so I like.
That like now I'm pro nanny, nowI'm pro like all this stuff.
(26:43):
Because, like you gave birth toa child, but now, like you're a
new one, like your morning,your morning, your old self.
Speaker 3 (26:51):
Because, you're never gonna be your old self again.
I don't know what.
Speaker 4 (26:53):
anybody no there's no more old Jenny, it's new Jenny.
So even now, like my son is too, and I'm still morning, my old
self.
Speaker 3 (27:02):
Yeah, so my child had a happy birthday and someone
wish me happy birthday?
No, but like births.
Speaker 2 (27:08):
I was like wait it is my birthday.
Speaker 3 (27:10):
Yes, why don't?
Speaker 1 (27:12):
I get anything.
Yes, so I love that I do reallylove that I was just.
There was something on Netflix Iwas watching and the girl was
like having a whole meltdown andher mom literally said that she
was like you are never going tobe the same and you might like
all those.
Yes, they're hormones, but alot of it is like internally,
that old you is dying, yes, andyou're mourning that old woman,
(27:35):
like that woman is gone and youare now like your new self and I
think about that in all ways.
The body I don't look at oldpictures anymore because I'm
like that girl, thatpre-pregnancy body.
No matter what, it's actuallynever coming back.
It's always going to besomething new.
So I love the rebirth concept.
Mind still that girl.
Speaker 3 (27:56):
We all about to have nicks.
I was, like dang y'all born atthe same exact time, but I have
been working on this concept.
Speaker 4 (28:05):
I don't mind have said it to you, morgan, but I
feel like women need new momsneed wellness checks, just like
their kids.
So, like you know, how you goand you take your.
After one week you take them tothe doctor.
They may ask you five questions, but then it's like okay,
you're good, but one week, twoweeks, however many like I feel
(28:28):
like every couple of weeksyou're going to take your
newborn to the doctor butnobody's really asking like, how
are you doing?
We need detailed questions too.
So I feel like creating somesort of mom wellness check just
with the baby wellness check islike super important, 100%.
Speaker 3 (28:47):
So this is where I get on my pedestal and talk
about.
I'm very passionate about this.
We know the four trimesterexists.
It's proven.
Doctors know it exists, it's athing.
So before we have the kids,like you said, we go every
single week to get them checked.
So if this fourth trimesterexists, where you know our
mental health is off because ofhormones, why are we not
(29:08):
required and I'm not saying it'sconvenient to go to therapy or
something every single week?
I don't care if you check.
Speaker 4 (29:16):
Everything is great on that fake postpartum test
that they give us, Like what doyou even know?
Yeah, you don't know or youdon't want to see or you think
they don't take your baby away,or something I don't want to
think crazy but it's likebecause they don't do that and
again they know it exists.
Speaker 3 (29:31):
My heart goes out to women I see that have harmed
their babies in their postpartumtimeline and I know it's cool
to say the four trimester.
I think it can extend past that.
Speaker 2 (29:40):
It's really help.
Speaker 3 (29:42):
It starts there and then it can become a true mental
health issue following that.
But my heart goes out to thembecause I think the thing is
when we try to share, yeah, it'shard, someone will be like, but
it's going to be okay.
You know it gets better, and sothen you're like, okay, and
then if it doesn't get better?
you don't feel normal, you don'tfeel okay or people look at you
crazy.
So now you're trying to holdall of this in and the next
(30:03):
thing, you know, you see whatwe've seen in the headlines or
you know what people have hurtthemselves or their children or
they're just totally mentallyimbalanced and I think there
needs to be wellness checks.
I mean it would be great ifthat was part of public health,
but it should definitely be aprivate, like a private health
option, because, yeah, Iprobably lied all over that
little.
Speaker 4 (30:21):
Oh seriously, I was like they ain't going to say I'm
crazy.
Yeah, I was crazy, yeah, I was.
That's how I knew I needed help, though.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (30:30):
When you were talking about, like the check.
Yeah, in the check and like youmentioned something, but after,
when Nigel was three months,like I cried every day after he
was born and he was like threemonths, almost four, like I was
crying.
It was, we were home alone, Iwas crying, he was crying and it
got so bad Like we were justlooking at each other crying and
(30:52):
I literally thought aboutleaving him on the bed and
running.
And after that thought I waslike oh no, I got to go see
somebody.
Speaker 3 (30:59):
Yeah, see, because there's so many people that get
to that point and they stilldon't yeah.
And it's scary, but it's likepeople don't share that Because
they don't want to be felt acertain way.
But you know how many peopleare looking at going to watch
this and be like girl, justleaving them on the bed.
You knew what I was thinkingand then it looks different for
(31:21):
everybody.
I would say I wasn't cryingevery day, I just felt like I
did not want to be around.
Yeah, I was like I need like wecould have been here and someone
says they need help three,three hours away.
I forgot my gum three hours.
I'll go get your gum.
Speaker 2 (31:33):
I'm not going to the gas station.
Speaker 4 (31:34):
I'm going to throw and I'm leaving my child here.
Speaker 3 (31:36):
I literally drove eight hours once to my parents
house because the baby wouldn'tstop crying at 5 am and I was
like I didn't know what else todo.
I knew the car made her go tosleep, I didn't know, but people
don't talk about thatespecially in real time so
everybody's alone feeling heavyand mentally unstable.
Speaker 4 (31:51):
And we couldn't get pregnant right away, so we did
IVF.
Ok, doing IVF, yeah, all thosehormones, having the baby and
then being unhappy once I havethe baby.
I was feeling like guilty, likeI did all of this because I
wanted a baby so bad and now I'mlike unhappy about it.
Speaker 3 (32:08):
So yeah, and that's just a lot fair to you.
Yeah, yeah, it's just, butpeople don't talk about it.
No, you ever have a moment likethat.
Speaker 2 (32:16):
I think with the first kid.
Yeah, I was staring a lot outthe window when staring at him.
Why he's staring at me?
I?
Speaker 3 (32:25):
Just see the chin-tuck now like a real life.
Speaker 2 (32:29):
I was like I don't know what to do.
But even when I communicated it, my husband still didn't know
how to.
Yeah, be there for me, yeah, Imean sense like I was like this
time, feeling he's like, oh,okay, it's gonna be okay.
Yeah so, but like that.
But then who do you talk toabout it, who can really help
you, especially because, like I,didn't have people who were
pregnant at the time or havebabies so Do you guys have any
(32:51):
advice for anyone who, likewho's had a baby?
or like strut, you know, don'thave a community or have someone
there to Walk through the likeI'm feeling lonely or I'm
feeling like I'm gonna hurtmyself or my kid yeah, cuz I
feel like we've seen that acouple times.
Speaker 1 (33:06):
Like we talk a lot on this platform about community
and about sisterhood, and thenthey're like, well, what if I
don't have that?
Yeah, and so then, especiallywith this topic, it's like what
do you do?
You know?
Where do you go?
Where do you turn to if youdon't have the people that you
can immediately Touch withinarms reach?
Are there systems that youcould put it?
(33:27):
You know, I don't know, or isthere a?
What is it like?
How would you do you haveanything?
Because I don't have the answer.
Speaker 2 (33:34):
I feel like there are some Facebook groups, though,
that I did join after I likestarted breastfeeding, or like I
just was a first-time mom, orlike Black.
They have like black moms, likegroups that you can join, and I
felt a lot connected to thosegroups, like cuz I didn't feel
alone.
So I think that was one waythat helped me realize, like yo,
I'm not doing this by myself.
Even though I didn't know anyof these women, I'm so thankful
(33:55):
because they Like all here onthis book together.
Speaker 1 (34:02):
Yeah, I do think that that's.
Speaker 4 (34:04):
That's a good point, that is true, I used, you know,
like the baby apps that you use.
Yeah, I had a water.
After you have the baby.
Some of them have likepostpartum forums.
Speaker 1 (34:18):
Yeah, yeah, yeah and just say what you, and there's
no judge.
Speaker 3 (34:22):
I didn't really say anything Because you could see
stuff that you reckon yeah, soyou didn't even have to put it
that makes sense yeah.
I think also when some I thinkfinding someone you trust.
I don't even think they have tobe a month, like when you're
just worried about yourself.
Maybe you don't want adviceback, you just need someone to
be like a sound.
Yeah, I see you're really.
When they say like oh, you'll beokay, like no, I really don't
(34:46):
think I'll be okay, I don'tthink we can be afraid to be
judged in that moment, becauseI'd rather be judged in that
moment, then end up, yeah thefive o'clock news.
Yeah, yeah like you got tochoose your heart and I would
choose the immediate, that's it.
Speaker 4 (35:00):
But I think when more people talking about it like
this platform is great, likePeople will become more
comfortable like saying about ityeah.
Speaker 3 (35:08):
Yeah, it's less of a secret, I think with social,
like our parents and everybodybefore that which, even even
though prayer is good and ithelped me a lot.
Speaker 1 (35:21):
I will say, if I was in the situation like we were
just saying, with not having acommunity, with not having
people, I could pray all day andI know that God will sustain me
, yeah, but there would bedefinitely some loneliness that
I would feel there would be anemptiness that I would feel,
because I'm like, okay, no, what?
Like after I pray, I close myeyes and say, okay, thank you,
(35:41):
lord, you know what next.
Yeah and yeah, and I also haveto check myself and say, if I'm
gonna ask for help, what help amI actually looking for?
Speaker 3 (35:50):
Yeah, sometimes we don't know.
Yeah, and because your husbandbe trying to help you sometimes,
yeah, I'm like well, I don'tneed that.
Speaker 2 (35:59):
Yeah, so what?
Speaker 1 (36:00):
is it?
And I would say that to any momlike if you are in that
position and you feel that wayand you're like I need help, try
your best to kind of go into itwith what you're actually
looking for, so that you canalso communicate that yeah,
because once people starthelping and hey, girl, I'm gonna
come over and I'm gonna justsit with you Well maybe you
(36:20):
don't want to be sad with you.
Maybe you actually want to sitwith the baby while you go out
and get some fresh air.
Actually, I won't be sittingwith you.
I won't be sitting.
Do you have any like finalwords for moms who you know are
going through this and areFeeling that invisible load of
motherhood and trying to bouncelike do you have a tip or any
(36:43):
advice for them at all?
Speaker 4 (36:45):
um, I Think your word boundaries is great.
Even though I'm not that greatat it, I'm working on it and I
think that comes into meimplementing those two days.
That's a boundary, so even ifit's something that small, do it
like, don't be scared to askfor help at all, yeah, that's it
(37:07):
.
Speaker 3 (37:20):
Oh for sure.
Yeah, I want to hear everybodyelse's experiences as well.
Speaker 2 (37:23):
Well, thank you so much for joining us today.
Thank you for being here.
This was such an amazingepisode and just the discussion
that needed to be had.
You are doing a phenomenal jobas a mom and we really
appreciate your advice, yourencouragement to other moms and
ladies and moms or gentlemen.
If you guys have any advice formoms who are walking through a
(37:45):
season like we've all had,please comment down below.
We would love to hear what youhave to say and share your heart
with us.
Um, thank you for joining ustoday.
We love you guys.
Yeah, this is mom's actuallywhere motherhood meets
sisterhood.
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