November 9, 2023 • 41 mins
Hey Ma! We’re hitting rewind and spotlighting our "MA Top 12" — the standout episodes from our first three seasons of Moms Actually. From October 12 to December 28, don’t miss the moments that defined us. Join us as a we take a trip down memory lane as we prepare for Season 4.
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Ever wondered how motherhood impacts your friendships? Join us as we explore how friendships evolve or dissolve once you become a mother. Whether you're feeling left out, grappling with comparisons, or reeling from a sense of betrayal, we're here to let you know you're not alone.
We've been there and we know the pang of feeling left out, the strain of maintaining friendships with those without children, and the challenge of fostering genuine relationships amid our new mommy lifestyles. We're talking about:
- The creation of our own villages, the reassurances of a strong support system
- Self-reflection that leads to more mindful friendships.
- The while motherhood is a major part of your identity, it's not the only part. Don't forget your social life and the
- Setting aside time for yourself and your friends
- Why moving on from a lost friendship is the right thing to do.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Moms, Actually, where motherhood meets
sisterhood.
We are back for season 2 and weare so excited.
Before we get started, we wantto take a moment just to say
thank you.
Every like, every comment,every rating, every share.
It means the world to us and wewant to just take the time to
(00:20):
actually highlight some of thecomments that we receive.
The first one is from Indie09,who says I love the transparency
that each of you women havespoken on.
I honestly shed some tears forlistening to this because I felt
everywhere yes, moms get lostin motherhood.
Thank you all for this podcast.
I will be tuned in every weekand I listen to it daily.
(00:41):
These mean so much to us, so wewant to say thank you.
We ask that you continue tolike, continue to subscribe and
share with another mama.
So welcome back.
Let's get started.
Speaker 3 (00:55):
Hey, ma, welcome to Moms, actually, where motherhood
meets sisterhood.
I'm Blair and these are myco-hosts Morgan Taylor, sopa
Rush, and today we are talkingabout what About your?
Speaker 1 (01:08):
friends.
Speaker 3 (01:11):
So today we are going to play our very favorite game.
It's Giving Motherhood.
So some of you guys have playedwith us, some of you haven't.
So just in case, if you seeit's gold, that means yes, we
agree.
If it is white, you're like nogirl, that ain't it.
If you just aren't sure, youcan put it in the middle.
But you know your first answeris your right answer always Okay
(01:33):
, you guys ready?
Did your friendships changeafter having kids?
Yes, no.
Do many of your friends havekids?
Speaker 2 (01:47):
I think it's in the middle.
Speaker 3 (01:49):
I don't think so.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
Yeah, I would say it's in the middle.
Speaker 3 (01:53):
Have you ever felt left out of things after having
kids?
Certainly yes, for sure.
I've really haven't.
Speaker 1 (02:01):
No, you either didn't want to go or you was always
invited.
I was not invited.
Speaker 3 (02:08):
Do you find yourself ever comparing your friendships?
Yeah, Like the way they havefriends with other people and
all that stuff.
Yeah, 100% do.
Yeah, it's not good.
Have you ever had unrealisticexpectations from your friends?
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Yes 100%.
Speaker 3 (02:25):
If they can't read my mind, they're not being a great
friend.
Do you have friends that youknow would do anything for you?
Yes, certainly.
Are they catching a charge?
I don't know about that.
Mine would.
I don't think mine would.
I would say I think so, minewould.
I have a lot of questions,though she knows who she is,
(02:45):
mine would.
Do you make your friendships apriority in your life?
Yes, for sure.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
No, yeah, you do better than you think, no.
Speaker 3 (02:58):
I could do much better.
Do many of your friends havethe same lifestyle as you?
Speaker 1 (03:04):
That's in the middle.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
I would say it's in the middle.
I have like a little bit Groups, groups.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
They are grouped.
Yeah, it's in the middle.
Speaker 3 (03:11):
Did your friends stop inviting you places once you
became a mom?
Yes, yes for sure.
No, because I didn't getinvited.
Sure, because I like being inthe house.
Did becoming a mom change theamount of friends you had, or
the type of friends you had?
Speaker 1 (03:28):
Yeah, I would say so no, I don't think so.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
Kind of in between.
Yeah, maybe it's like inbetween for me.
Why do you think it's in?
Speaker 1 (03:36):
between, probably because of the time period.
I mean, I've been a mom for tenyears, ten years, and so
naturally your friends changedtoo.
Speaker 3 (03:46):
That's true.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
And so the things that like I originally I was not
my friends were still in theirlike teenage, like college.
You know we're doing this, that.
And the third when I firstbecame a mom and I couldn't go
to everything and they didn'tinvite me to everything because
they're like you just popped outof baby, they didn't invite you
to the club.
No, no, they did not, but no.
(04:10):
And then now it's kind of likemy life has changed.
You know what I'm saying.
And the group of friends.
I moved, like I relocated, andI've had my friends, like I said
, since I was a kid, like myfriends were since I was like
five years old, we've all hadthe same group.
So naturally you kind of splitand honestly now there's
(04:33):
probably only one to two friendsout of the group of like seven
that we had.
It's only like two I talk tolike regularly and my one.
That would catch a charge forme and your childhood friends or
like adult friends, more soadult friends.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
Okay, I didn't really have like stability so I didn't
have like a set group offriends that I grew up with.
So now I mean my friends that Ihave are all like I'm met in
pretty much that list that arereally close to me.
Speaker 3 (04:59):
Oh yeah, that's best.
I love it.
Your friends are great.
You actually have like that.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
Yeah, you have a solid, solid.
I love it.
Speaker 3 (05:06):
I went to her like book release party and I like
immediately text Morgan.
Speaker 1 (05:10):
I was like Soba probably has like the best
friend group that ever existedand y'all really like to
celebrate each other.
Y'all do, which is amazing.
Speaker 3 (05:17):
Thank you.
That's amazing.
You're going to get thatcongratulations text from me.
They're going to have balloonsParty and all of that.
Speaker 2 (05:24):
The crazy thing is I met them all via social media.
That's the crazy part.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
Oh, wow.
Speaker 2 (05:28):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
So you really really are a list?
Speaker 2 (05:31):
Yes, basically, but I met some crazies on social
media as well.
Friendships that went south.
How did that go?
You know I'm very trusting withpeople I love well, I love
deeply, and sometimes I'vecaught myself like extending so
much of myself to a person or Igive so much so fast that I
(05:54):
ended up getting hurt quicklybecause I'm like I thought they
had my best interest in mind.
Yeah, so it just sucks wheneverit doesn't go as planned or the
friendship takes a turn.
You're like what happened?
Speaker 3 (06:06):
Yeah, so that was one of the things that impressed me
about you, though, like, givenyour background and how you grew
up, I was like how does shetrust people?
Yeah, how do you like soquickly, like open up, because,
girl, you do not look like youknow a lot of what you're doing
None of us do?
I feel like?
Speaker 2 (06:22):
certainly that's another thing, that's another
thing.
But, Blair have you ever hadfriendships that kind of went
south or just kind of fell apart?
Speaker 3 (06:32):
So how I describe myself and it's like a fault of
my own I'm like the third friend, like, yeah, I'm like it'll be
like a group of us and then,like I'm the friend that just
kind of like randomly likedisappears and then they become
best friends and they're friendsfor like 30 years.
Yeah, it's been like that sinceI was a young kid.
I can literally name like everyfew years that kind of
(06:53):
situation happening and so youknow, I don't know what came
first, the chicken or the egg,like if, like it's me not like
nurturing the friendship, or ifI just know that's what happens.
So now I'm like you know,people go, people come or what
have you.
I was in Germany, I was like amilitary kid, so a lot of I
learned early like friends comeand go, so it just I didn't know
(07:16):
what to do.
Like I didn't know what to dobecause I just knew things
changed and I think a lot ofpeople learned that older.
Yeah, I learned that at seventhat you can make really good
friends and then you cannot havethem one day.
Yeah, so it just kind of gotingrained in me.
But now as an adult, I'm tryingto tell myself like just because
that's like what the situationmeant, like you can't just say
(07:36):
that's how I am or that's how itis, but it's very hard to break
almost 40 years of likesocialization and like just
initiate texts and like say heyhow are you doing Like it all
just feels so weird it does, butit's like doesn't mean.
I'm not thinking about theperson.
Speaker 2 (07:54):
So, to kind of go off what you were saying, I think a
lot of it stems fromexpectations of like because
your friendships may have notbeen the friendships that you
longed for, because I've dealtwith that too.
Like I felt like I didn't havea lot of expectations for my
friendships at first, and so Ilearned how to communicate like
no, this is what I need from you, and I think that really helped
shift how we moved in ourfriendship and have breakthrough
(08:15):
.
Because it's like this isthat's why my friends celebrate,
because I'm like I need it no.
I tell them like this isimportant to me, so this should
be important to you guys as well.
So I want to be celebrated.
The old me would have been likeno, it's not a big deal, it's
okay, but then my feelings wouldget hurt.
Speaker 3 (08:31):
Yeah, and.
Speaker 1 (08:31):
I think that's what I'm going through and that
happens so much in friendshipsin general.
I think we all have momentswhere we're like upset and we're
hurt and all of the things, andwe feel like I know for me I've
heard this a couple of timeslike I'm not dating you.
Speaker 2 (08:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
You know.
So I think people like havethat fine line and they don't
know how to really get theboundary set.
So you either do too much oryou do not enough.
Speaker 3 (08:58):
Because, you don't want to be the needy friend.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
But you also don't know how to communicate there
has to be boundaries.
Just because this relationshipis not intimate and it's
platonic, it doesn't mean thatit doesn't matter, because some
of those relationships are likethe most important, exactly.
Speaker 2 (09:15):
You know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
Especially sisterhood .
Are y'all like the no newfriends, Like I don't do girls,
or are you like the no?
Give me the friends.
Well, I got two new friendsright here?
Speaker 3 (09:24):
Yes, no, I'm always open to it.
Like people say, it's hard tomake friends as an adult, but I
feel like it's actually beeneasier, maybe because I've come
out my show as more likeintroverted as a kid and I was
always afraid of like rejectionor being left out, but now I'm
like I've learned how to meet somany people and talk to so many
people, so I'm always open toit, or what have you?
And I also understand there'sdifferent types of friends.
(09:47):
You know, like there's noteverybody's not not in a bad way
, but it's not all.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
That's a good one, Because it's like I feel like
there was times where I'm likereally quick to be like oh, this
is my yeah, you know what I'msaying, like yeah bestie and
it's like, yeah, you know, and Ithink that's okay.
And people do get offended wherethey feel like, okay, well, I'm
not your best friend, yeah, I'mnot super, super close to you,
(10:16):
but I think it's okay to havebuckets, yeah, which is why I
was saying, like it's hard tosay, you know, my friend's
lifestyle was the same as minenow, because I really do have
like buckets of friends and Ilove them all, like I don't love
anyone more or less or whatever.
I just know like, hey, theseare my friends that I can, you
know, bounce ideas off of, andlike we talk business and all
(10:39):
this, and if I just need to letmy hair down, I already know
what group to call exactly, andthat's okay, yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:45):
And I think sometimes we get a little like but how do
you deal with, like friendship,jealousy Because have you had
the things?
Where it's like, oh, you wentwith them or you did this with
them, and it goes both ways.
Like some people will say thatto you like, oh, what you got
going on more and sometimesyou'll see your friends like
yeah, and it's like oh.
Speaker 1 (11:03):
You didn't tell me right.
Yeah, yeah, that's hard becausewhat I do, or what I've tried
to do anyway, especially once Irelocate it, I try to mix my
friends in a way, yeah, not likein a bad way, like forcing
people to be friends, but moreso like if I'm having a girl's
night at my house or whatever, Ijust mix everybody together
(11:25):
because I'm like somebody'sgonna all y'all are gonna all
find some type of commonality Atsome point.
so it makes it a little biteasier for me, that's true,
which I don't know if thatsounds selfish or not, but I
feel like it makes it easybecause one it's like now people
are starting to find newfriends.
Within the frame group and Ican hang out with everybody at
the same time I think with thewhole friendship, jealousy is
(11:47):
just for me.
Speaker 2 (11:49):
What I've learned over the years is communicating
with my friends.
Like you don't have to feelsome type of way when I hang out
with this person because thelove is still there regardless.
But me and my best friendalways say we don't belong to
each other, like she doesn'tknow me, I don't own her.
So when she wants to hang outwith a friend, I'm happy for her
, like I want her to go in anddo it.
And some Friends now a lot oflike you were saying, I mix a
(12:11):
lot of my friends together andthey hang out with themselves.
So it's like really cool becauseI'm like y'all can go hang out,
yeah, but it's.
It's taken a lot to learn howto not allow that to affect me
as well and feel jealous or feellike they're not including me.
Speaker 3 (12:24):
Yeah, I feel good now , like I'm not even gonna
pretend, like I've seen it inlike You're like dang, yeah, why
don't you?
Tell me about that.
Yeah, because I certainly wouldhave said no, but yeah so
that's a good question, thoughlike what type?
Speaker 1 (12:35):
what does that conversation sound like?
Because we're talking about itand we're saying like, oh, have
the conversation and you know,be honest.
But what does that sound like?
Because there's a lot of momsand women in general that we're,
we have the friends, we knowthat we're supposed to
communicate, but we don't knowthe words to say to that other
person, especially once you havethat baby, and they are not
(12:58):
inviting you.
Yeah, what?
Speaker 3 (12:59):
does that sound like for me I don't have the
conversation because I know it'sme and it's not fair, it's not
to me and that how it is.
For that I don't think it'sfair to put that on them.
Like I know rationally, likepeople can hang out together.
I know rationally, like Maybethere's a reason, you know they
didn't, I don't want to go, orthey didn't invite me.
Like I go out and do otherthings With different friends,
(13:21):
so why do I, why is it differentfor me?
So I those kind ofconversations I don't have.
What I know it's me.
I just don't think that's fairnot to say you can't have the
conversation.
I just don't see the point.
Because what are they going tosay?
Like well, I have other friends.
Well, yeah, you do and you getto.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
But for me.
When I was walking throughmotherhood the first child I
felt all those feelings.
You were feeling, yeah, likewhy and why aren't they inviting
me?
Why aren't I being included?
Like this doesn't make sense tome, yeah, and I literally would
cry.
I'd be like yo, I'm in thishouse with this baby.
Yeah, but I also like, as Ibecome, you know, few years into
motherhood, I know that likethey're not doing it
(13:56):
intentionally and sometimesthey're thinking of me like yeah
, yeah they're trying to likemake sure that I'm okay with the
baby, like I just maybe I don'twant to go out, you know.
So Just making sure, too, that Icommunicate.
Like yeah, please stop notinviting me.
I don't like that.
Yes, that's what.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
I've said, I've literally told my friends at
times like, hey guys, justbecause I have a baby does not
mean that I cannot go.
No, now I've also said doesn'tmean I'm going to say yes, but
give me the option, you know,give me the option to say yes or
no, because I want there couldbe a day where I need to get out
the house and I know there havebeen plenty of times,
(14:35):
especially with social media nowand you're at home, you're in
the bed and you got, uh, babydrool all over you like, there
have been so many nights, or I'mlike gosh Miss villain messy
bun shirt on in the bedscrolling all my friends are.
Oh my god, I'm like that.
(14:56):
I just close the app.
You know it's hurtful.
Speaker 3 (15:00):
Yeah, because then you're like nobody even thought
about me and sometimes, even ifthey ask me, you say no, when
you see it, it still bothers melike, yeah, but it's worse.
Speaker 1 (15:07):
Well, it's worse if they don't ask you.
Speaker 3 (15:09):
And this is, you couldn't have been this person,
since you had a child a littleearlier.
But but, so but?
Were you ever like the friend?
Did you ever have?
Did any of your friends havekids before you and like you
didn't have?
Speaker 2 (15:21):
I don't think so, oh, I think I was the first one out
of my friend group to have ababy.
You were so, you were thepractice, I was the practice.
But so I think that's what madeit so much harder, because no
one understood where I wascoming from.
Yeah, no one understood like,let's continue to include her, I
make her feel special.
Or even the the checking inparty was like, oh, she's good,
she's got a baby at home, she'schilling, you know, with her
(15:43):
family.
But I'm like I need a sociallife too.
Yeah, so I have that Offensiveproblem.
Speaker 3 (15:48):
That's why I asked so .
When I so, it wasn't on purpose, because it would sound like
the pregnancy pack, but it'slike a lot of people got
pregnant at once, including me.
But then I ended up caring.
But everybody else had liketheir babies.
So it's like this whole groupof people had babies at the same
time.
So they were like doing allthis stuff together.
(16:10):
And I would not get invited andI guess it would be weird if I
wasn't invited because it waslike kid stuff.
But it's like I think it canalso be the opposite way, like I
think it's hard to think aboutit as the friend that doesn't
have the baby.
Like we're thinking about itfrom our perspective not getting
invited, all this stuff butit's like you've also started
this life now where you mightmeet other people or you're into
(16:31):
other things.
But yeah, I felt so left out.
Speaker 1 (16:34):
I like that you said that, though, because it also
brings the responsibility backon us.
Yeah, I know there's plenty oftimes where Even what we're
saying now like oh well, youknow I want to be invited, but
you know I might not say yes,because I do have the kids but
also, like, what type of?
What effort are we putting in toour friendships?
(16:55):
Because sometimes the oneswithout the kids, they don't
really know how to Support usand it's more than just us
communicating it.
But like their way of supportis maybe they're talking about
the baby and they're bringingsomething over for the baby and
it's not a bad thing and I thinkwe've even seen that a couple
times in our comments and stufflike that.
(17:15):
Like our aunties are like whatdo y'all want from?
Speaker 3 (17:18):
her because I was like I felt left out, but I also
didn't want to hang out withlike a baby, I didn't want to go
to the restaurant with like abit, like it was just a weird
period of time, yeah.
So it's like interesting tohave been on the other side,
yeah, and then, you know, I justthink both sides are going
through it, but like both peopleare feeling left out.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
Yes, and especially if you had like time, if you had
like, if you're really closewith someone, and then you had
the baby, yeah, and then yourfriend is like well, what am I
supposed to do?
Yeah, you want me to invite yousomewhere and you can't you say
no.
Yeah, Then when I don't inviteyou, you're mad.
And then when I call you don'tpick up the phone because you're
probably tired.
So it's like how do we?
(17:58):
What's the balance?
I think.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
I know, I think, I know, I mean.
Speaker 3 (18:02):
I had a trip once and my friend might remember this
and it was I called it marriedand tripping and we went to the
cabin or whatever, and all of us, except for one of them, had a
child at the time and we werelike we are not talking about
our kids, we're not doing himbecause you know she hadn't had
a child yet and that was asensitive subject, but we can't
stop talking about our freakingkids.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
It's just like a thing that you can't help.
Speaker 3 (18:25):
So I think it can like also like make a person
feel excluded.
And I think it could happen theother way, if you're like
everybody doesn't have kids andthen you're the mom checking in
and always on your phone Likeit's just the dynamics change so
much, and I think that's whyit's important to have different
groups so you're not justdependent on your, you know if
you just have your person.
(18:45):
I don't think you can just haveone person.
Speaker 2 (18:47):
Yeah.
Do you guys ever talks herelike non-mom friends about
motherhood?
Speaker 1 (18:53):
Yeah, I would say so.
I mean not all the time.
It just I think it depends onwhat they want to talk about.
You know what I mean.
Like sometimes they'll ask mequestions, but a lot of times
it's like this time is for us wejust hang it out and we chill
it.
But they do.
I joke with them all the timebecause they, when they do,
invite me to places.
Sometimes it's like Mark,where's the kids?
(19:15):
I'm like I'm not breaking thisRight.
Speaker 2 (19:17):
I'm here.
Speaker 1 (19:18):
Yeah, so it's just like that type of.
But they love being like auntieand all of that, and I'm like
no, it's just us guys Like, andthat's too like we feel I'm, I'm
, you know, I'm still valuable,just with me.
Speaker 3 (19:32):
Oh, that's a whole other conversation.
After you have the baby andeverybody calls you and they
never talk to you.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
But that's a friendship thing.
How's the baby?
How's this?
Yeah, yeah, like it's, I'mstill a person, yeah.
Speaker 2 (19:42):
Do you ever ask your friends for help, even if they
aren't like, even if they havebabies, or if they don't have
babies like you communicate?
Speaker 1 (19:49):
Yes, they have my children right now.
Speaker 3 (19:53):
Oh yeah, I don't know .
I always say I would never hada second child if it was not for
my friends and my family.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
The village.
Yeah, I didn't potty train mykids Like.
Speaker 3 (20:02):
My best friend did that, Like it's just I was, and
she didn't even have kids at thetime.
That's the magic of it all.
She had no kids.
I don't know.
Maybe she had potty trainedlike a nephew or something, but
she got them right and like,helped them start speaking, like
I had a lot of help from myfriends and I learned in being a
mother to ask for help and Ican.
(20:24):
Friends and family are the firstplace you go all the time.
I think you know which friendsto ask, certainly, like I
probably wouldn't have been thatfar, just being real, you know.
But that's why, again, you havedifferent options of
friendships.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
Yeah, so our goal is pretty much to make sure that we
keep our friendships a priority.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:41):
Yeah, I would definitely say so.
I think that they're veryimportant.
I don't think that you canreally get through life well
without a village and without,especially as women, without
sisters.
You need them.
Yeah, you can talk to your manall day long and he may or may
not understand.
He may, you know, encourage youor just tell you what you want
to hear, but no one is going tounderstand you like your sisters
(21:03):
.
And I think that part is so, soimportant, like, which is why I
wanted, I want to do betterwith how I pour into my friends,
because, again, it's a two waystreet.
Like I can't expect my friendsto read my mind and do things
for me, and I do feel guiltyabout that sometimes, because I
always have so much going on, Ifeel like I don't always pour
the way I would love to backinto my friend.
(21:26):
So that's one thing I have toget better at.
Speaker 3 (21:28):
I don't either, but I'd say who's teaching me to be
a better friend is Sopa.
Yes, sopa is so intentionalabout friendships.
Yes, so in, you know, it bringson some guilt sometimes, but
I'm like, oh, I got to do betterat this because I just know, I
see how she does it.
Yeah, like, even thoughsometimes I know better, don't
do better.
I'm just like I think about itmore actively now because I'm
like I know how you like to beloved.
(21:49):
And so then I spread thatagainst all my other friends,
just because they're not asvocal about it, like, yeah, not
to make it sound, you know, likeoh my God, sopa is saying yeah.
But you share how you feel andit's really helpful and I think
a lot of other people don't,like we talked about, and so I'm
like if Sopa is saying this,then that means other people
feel like this and it just makesme actively think about it.
Speaker 2 (22:09):
So now I just got my actions to follow up with the
recognition, you're more awareof your other friendships.
So my question to you guys islike how do you?
Or like what do you tellsomeone who doesn't have a
community of sisters?
Or like who's longing for that?
Because some women I get thisquestion all the time is like
I've seen you have amazingfriends, but like how do I
(22:33):
create that?
Or like I just need some adviceon how to have sisters who I
can trust to help me raise myfamily.
Speaker 3 (22:39):
I want you to answer first.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (22:41):
You met a lot of your friends online.
You're like in adulthood orwhat have you yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:47):
So if I was to encourage anybody who is trying
to create a community or avillage, it's just saying true
to who you are and beingauthentic.
You know, I feel like a lot ofpeople are trying to fit like
what a friendship is, butsometimes it may not work for
you, as it works for my circle.
And so just saying true to whoyou are and, yeah, just being
(23:08):
your authentic self, I thinkthat's the biggest thing,
because people can read anddiscern you being someone that
you're not.
Speaker 3 (23:14):
That's a good word.
Speaker 2 (23:15):
Kind of how you lose friendships.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:18):
That's a big thing.
I was going to say just beingopen and also discern.
Speaker 2 (23:23):
Yeah, discern.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
Dissern is so, so important because you know, once
you get those friends, youeither, and discernment goes
both ways.
Speaker 2 (23:31):
Yes, it does.
Speaker 1 (23:32):
You can literally get the friends and you're like, oh
you know, I want to keep themclosed, or you can be too
guarded and you're notdiscerning enough, exactly, and
so you're like keeping yourselffrom making those friends and
making those connections becauseyou're not being like open.
So I would say be open as muchas you can, continue to be your
authentic self, and it will come.
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (23:53):
I think what helped me is what you just said just
being open.
Yeah, I just learned.
I used to like chameleon myself, like to make people very
comfortable all the time, and sothen everybody was comfortable,
but I, you know, I wasn't youknow, and so I just learned you
know.
Say whatever I'm thinking, bemyself, and the people who
should stick to me will stick tome.
Other people won't.
Speaker 2 (24:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (24:14):
And that's totally fine and I've met awesome people
by doing that.
It's completely changed like myrelationship with people and
that's why I say like I met mostof my friends after kids,
because I started going out more, I started being more authentic
to myself, because I also wantto show my kids how to live like
authentically and transparentlyand like being themselves, and
(24:36):
so it's helped a lot.
Speaker 2 (24:37):
I think we also forgot the biggest like number
one thing is prayer.
Like praying for the rightpeople to be in your circle.
Certainly, I feel like I prayedfor my community, yeah, and I
asked God to send the rightpeople to help me raise my kids,
because I couldn't do it on myown and I live far away from
family, both sides of our family.
So the community that we, youknow we had where we live now,
(25:01):
like it was birth, I believe,out of my prayer life.
So I agree.
Speaker 1 (25:05):
No, I totally agree.
When I, when I first moved, Iliterally had like no friends in
the new area and I, and thenthe pandemic happened and then I
was like, okay, and you know Ihad a few, but I felt like they
didn't.
We never got to hang out earlyor you know, they didn't know my
true self and I, like that.
You said that like I'mmisunderstood a lot, a lot,
(25:29):
what's wrong?
Yeah, I misunderstood a lot,and so I was.
I didn't feel like I was reallygiven a chance and then I just
started praying about it.
I was like you know what I amnot, you know, too big and bad
to just say I need friends, Ineed people.
And then the ones that werethere, I made sure to try to
(25:51):
appreciate and not mourn thepeople that weren't.
Speaker 3 (25:53):
Yeah, you know this is going to sound crazy.
I've never really thought topray like for friends and like
to have friendships, and thecrazy thing about that is we'll
pray for a man, we'll pray for aboyfriend, we'll pray for a
husband.
Speaker 2 (26:06):
Hull is.
Speaker 3 (26:07):
Yes, like help us, you know a job.
But I've never really thoughtlike you know, bring the right,
you know friends and likemaintain that, Like I think
that's a really good one.
Speaker 2 (26:16):
You need the alignment.
Yes, yes, A hundred percent.
You don't want people in yourcircle that aren't supportive or
aren't wanting to celebrate youany of that.
So prayer works.
For everything, Prayer works.
I have a question, y'all.
Speaker 1 (26:28):
I saw this meme the other day and it said don't you
hate when, like you, aren'tfriends with a person anymore,
but you miss their kids.
Speaker 2 (26:36):
Oh yes.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
Every day.
But, have you ever had, like, afriendship through like, and
then your kids get connected tothem Like?
How do you deal with that?
Because I know that it's athing and it needs to be talked
about.
Speaker 3 (26:52):
Yeah, I don't personally like miss their kids
because I'm probably notinteracting with them.
I more miss it for my kids.
Yeah, like missing that friend,like it's just, I think, seeing
kids I didn't grow up with alot of friends as a kid.
I didn't grow up with cousins,any of that.
So when I see kids interactingwith each other, I feel really
bad that that relationship isgone and I only say I don't miss
(27:14):
a kid because I'm probably nothanging out with the kids, both
of our kids playing and we'retalking.
So you know you mourn thatrelationship and I hate that my
child loses that relationshipbecause of something going on or
just talking yeah.
I think that just sucks.
Yeah, it does.
I've been there.
Yeah, well, you had a questionfor a really long time.
Speaker 1 (27:33):
No no, no, I just wanted to.
I was like say more yes, saymore Tea, give me tea.
No, honestly, I have.
I think one of the things thatI learned is just being more
mindful of how I cultivate thoserelationships, because I never
really thought about it evenhappening.
(27:53):
You don't go into friendships,thinking, oh my gosh, we're not
going to be friends after three,four, six months or years or
whatever and our friends are notgoing to be able to.
I mean, our kids are not goingto be able to grow up together.
So I had to learn that lessonof OK, not to be super guarded
per se, but like not to do thewhole, like Auntie so-and-so is
(28:16):
here.
Speaker 3 (28:16):
Oh yeah.
And it seems so I know, Is thata southern thing too?
Because I swear my kids got 500aunts of 1000 uncles.
Speaker 1 (28:23):
Yes, I'm an auntie for about a thousand.
I think it sounds so easy to do, but it allows that child to
get connected to that person onanother level, because you are
now basically saying this isyour family.
You know what I mean.
And so then when thatrelationship disappears, then it
feels weird, then you're likehaving to explain it, which is
(28:44):
good that you can kind of talkthrough that and it's a lesson,
but it depends on how old it isyou got me thinking about a lot
of things now.
I mean, I had to learn that Ikind of had to say OK, like
maybe you don't do that as fast,Like maybe you don't say the
auntie thing so fast, or maybejust being able to really just
be mindful of those things,because it happens.
(29:05):
Has that happened to you?
Speaker 2 (29:07):
Many times she's like yeah, no, I get really
connected to the kids because Ibabysit them, I watch them.
They come hang out with my kidsand me.
So that is the hard.
I feel like that's harder thanthe actual relationship of the
adults, because I love kids andI love how they connect with my
kids.
Then they just become a part ofmy family.
So that is really hard.
Speaker 3 (29:29):
It is when your kids asking if they can see their
friend or their auntie or theirwhatever, and it's like well
they're out of town.
Speaker 1 (29:41):
What I've said is like no, we just won't go over
there today and I'm like I kindof just kind of hope that they
forget.
Speaker 3 (29:48):
Their memories keep getting better and better.
Speaker 1 (29:51):
But what I will say this and which I have learned
recently, is if my kid comeshome with an invitation to like
a birthday party from somebodyat school, right, and I'm going
to take them to that birthdayparty, I don't know that mom,
you know what I mean, but that'smy kid's friend.
So if the same thing happenswith a friend and the kids are
(30:12):
friends still, why wouldn't Isay yes, they can go.
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (30:16):
I mean, are you getting invited?
Speaker 1 (30:17):
though, yes, the friend would still invite you.
Yeah, because they're the kid.
I mean, that's a maturerelationship, Listen.
But I have had that happenwhere we're not friends anymore
but the kids are still yeah, Idon't have anything like that,
so I'm just like oh, I did thatfor my last.
Speaker 2 (30:33):
actually, I just did that for in June for my kid's
birthday, and it didn't go verywell.
I got a whole long message.
So I was like OK, she's like ifthe whole family is not invited
, then my kid is not invited andI was like, oh, the whole
family can come.
So it's just like it's a weirdsituation.
I think it can go either way,it depends how healed the person
(30:54):
is.
Speaker 3 (30:54):
That's true.
Speaker 2 (30:55):
Like the relationship between the parent.
Speaker 3 (30:57):
Yeah, but you were just trying to think about the
kid, but that's what I tried tothink of.
Speaker 1 (31:00):
I was thinking about the kid, and that's what I'm
saying.
I think that's the mindset Ifeel like we should have is, hey
, even though we're not friends,our kids are friends, and
that's why I tried to equate itto this person that I don't even
know.
Speaker 2 (31:14):
That I mean.
Speaker 1 (31:15):
I've done a whole play date with my daughter's mom
and her.
Like them, all four of ustogether.
I didn't know that lady fromAdam.
You know what I mean, so whywouldn't I do that with someone
who I have known?
And yes, there's a weirdtension there, but we can.
Speaker 3 (31:34):
Because it's best for the kids.
Yeah, and it'll make the kidshappy yeah, especially if it's a
birthday party 100%.
Speaker 1 (31:39):
We're not buckled up together anyway.
She's just like come on, girl,let's go to this party and bring
nice gear Makes sense, that'sgood advice.
Speaker 2 (31:47):
Yes, this one's hard, but how do you deal with
friendship like friendshipbreakups?
Because I feel like those arevery painful.
They are, they are.
Speaker 1 (31:58):
I have cried a lot.
I think it's because I reallydo care about my friends and so
I think it's good to feel that,though I think that's the way
you deal is to feel it Becauseit's easy again, if you're not
dating a person, if you're in,you know it's not an intimate
relationship, then you're notsupposed to be sad and you gotta
be like well whatever like youknow, whatever about them, I
(32:22):
don't care, it is what it is,but like no, you do care.
That was a relationship that youhad and that's okay to say that
.
And so I like mourn therelationship and then I move on.
Speaker 3 (32:31):
Yeah, what about you?
I don't know.
I think it's a little harderfor me to move on, cause I don't
make a lot of people that Icall friends, that I actually
want to hang out with or talk toor like relate to.
So like, when I've lostfriendships, it really hurts
because for me and it's usually,I think it'd be different it's
just like time pass and we justkind of weren't friends.
But it's like I really pridemyself on my character, not that
(32:53):
I'm perfect, but I am who I amand I just think like I'm
trustworthy, like just a lot ofstuff about me.
So when I lose a friend becausethey're doubting something
about my character, it just ithurts me immensely because I'm
like I feel like I've proved andnot like I got to prove who I
am.
I've shown and exhibited who Iam over and over again.
(33:14):
So like, how is this happeningover this Yep?
Or like, and if I did, do it,like something that like
offended that person, like, canmy character be enough to
overcome it?
Speaker 1 (33:25):
Gosh, it's so good, yeah, I've been there and it's
like it hurts.
Speaker 3 (33:29):
It hurts because you're like then I feel like you
never really knew me, yeah,yeah, and I'm like, did you or
like, is it?
And I also understand.
I think a lot of people'sissues with you have nothing to
do with you.
That part, and that's the Ithink that's the closest I can
get to moving on is people gotstuff going on that have nothing
to do with you, and I thinkthat's how it rationalized.
(33:50):
Some friends not hitting me up,things Like people got whole
marriages, friendships, work,people are tired, like
everything doesn't have to dowith.
Oh well, you know, I just don'tfeel like Colin Blair.
I don't feel like doing likepeople have stuff going on.
So I know like people havestuff going on and maybe I'm the
lucky person on a Thursday thatthe blood of that issue that
now becomes a whole big issueyeah, when it would have been a
(34:11):
small issue on a Tuesday orwhatever you know, and so that.
So it's hard to move on becauseit makes me question myself
Certainly and I'm just like, ohcould.
I have done this, but I'm like Iknow my intentions, but other
people just feel Impacts and,yeah, the pandemic exposed a lot
of relationships for me.
Speaker 1 (34:30):
I know that for sure, because it was like we either
were like really close if wetalked or like random stuff came
out and I'm like I don't evenknow that you felt that way
about.
Speaker 3 (34:42):
Like y'all have a lot of time to think in this house.
Speaker 1 (34:44):
But it was like it was very defining.
You know what I mean, and I wasgrateful for it because it
allowed me to see what peoplereally thought of me, and I will
.
I was the same way as you.
Yeah, I had a moment where Iwas like, oh my gosh, like am I
really that bad?
Like, am I a bad person?
Because this person feels thisway about me and it does it.
(35:05):
I feel like my character isflawed.
Speaker 3 (35:07):
And mine.
My two of them happened duringthe pandemic too, so you just
have no time but to say andthink about it, think about it.
I have four happened like that,oh my God.
So I couldn't do that.
Two was hard enough to two, Ithink I had two or four.
Speaker 2 (35:19):
Yeah, it was very tough for me, but it allowed me
to do a lot of self reflection.
Yeah, it's so hot, it's alsofitting in like OK, what are
some things that I can change?
Speaker 3 (35:27):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (35:27):
Obviously, I know my character is in tax and I know
that like I didn't do insomething intentionally to hurt
them, right.
But there were some things thatI could have changed Exactly.
Oh, certain 100% so yeah,friendship breakups are so hard,
but they're also like blessingsand disguises.
Yeah, yeah, I agree, I've grownso much, me too, those
(35:48):
heartaches.
Speaker 1 (35:49):
It's like I'm aware more, yeah, more aware, like the
things that they do say.
I'm like, ok, maybe it wasn'tto that extreme, yeah, but
there's some truth there, youknow to it and I can, yeah, no,
it's definitely grown more of.
Speaker 3 (36:01):
you know.
It benefited, it worked out.
But it'll all make me sadbecause I cared about that
person and I wish like I couldhave got better with that person
still in my corner or thosepeople you know.
Speaker 2 (36:16):
So it's so, there's a .
Speaker 3 (36:17):
Social media Damn followed me, and so I followed
them for a while and then Ithink I realized they unfollowed
me and then I kept followingthem and then it just like, so I
am followed.
And then one I just had I mutedbecause I think they like says
something about me on socialmedia, so I didn't want to watch
it because I was like we mightbecome.
I'm that person.
Yeah, I might become friendsagain, and I don't want to hold
(36:37):
that against them.
So I never watched it, or wouldhave you.
And so, yeah, I was, you know,watched it.
And I think sometimes, like oneof them, my friend like shows
it all the time, I'm like, oh,she's doing so good, I'm very
happy for her, but, and I think,like that one, I like reached
out a little bit.
It was real dry, so I just, youknow, I let it go.
I'm not gonna be, a littledesperate puppy, but I'm like,
(36:57):
hey, I still like you, do youlike me?
Reach out?
That's a good point I did.
And she I'm gonna reach out her.
Yeah, the funny thing is I'mnot normally with my regular
friends, but I think to show herlike, hey, I still like you, I
still care about you, you knowI'm gonna.
You know, I don't reach out allthe time.
I think it was like you know, Ithink I reached out like once,
like a year ago, and then,another time like something
(37:19):
simple, but like, hey, I ain'tgot no issue, Like it might have
it with me, but I just want youto know because I loved how our
kids were into it Like it wasthe kids thing too, and I
actually loved her kids, somaybe I do actually, yeah, so
I'm out of there, I love, I'mlike, yeah, so I actually am a
reach her outter, like I like toReach her outter, get on a
(37:40):
shirt team.
Speaker 2 (37:41):
No, because I love my friendship so much, I want to
pursue them and like I willpursue, pursue, pursue.
And so I am like I know thatit's not going anywhere.
You know if I've done my part,in knowing that I've at least
tried with this friendship,because I value people.
And when it's not being like,it's not being reciprocated, or
they're just not healed from thesituation.
(38:02):
Then I'm like I back off and belike, okay, I'll watch from a
distance and I'm like I'm happyyou're healing, you're doing
well, you're marriage isthriving, like all those things.
Speaker 1 (38:09):
But yeah, I will reach out and I don't want to
say I'm not, but what I will sayis I will.
When everything first happens,I will make sure I do my part,
like I'll say, hey, let's sitdown and let's talk, like I'll
be the one to initiate those Ifthose do not go well and there's
no resolution from those.
And I'll do that like maybe oneto two times, like I'll give it
(38:32):
some good, I'll really give ita good go, and then, if it
doesn't, then I feel like, okay,you just really don't want to
be my friend and I'm not goingto force you baby, so let's just
call it what it is and that'sokay.
We just, you know, and maybethat friendship was for a season
.
Speaker 2 (38:49):
It is, yeah, well, me , most friendships are, whether
long term or short term.
Yeah, you're right, but I didread something, so that's over
we're all good, but I did readsomething that sometimes you
meet people where they aredepending on their inner child,
like whatever.
Wherever they are in life, youknow you could be a friendship
to a person when they were 12years old, even if they're 30
(39:11):
right now.
So it depends so what they needin that moment, that's good.
Yeah so it really does help mewith my friendships.
Like, where are they in life?
Are they they're, you know, 15year old?
Is that who's speaking to me,or is this someone that you know
?
Speaker 3 (39:24):
I know all about that .
We learn in therapy.
The therapist would be like old, are you right now?
But that's what they'd ask Likewhen you're like really that
was you, that was you.
How old are you right now?
And are you talking from yourfour year old self, your 12 year
old self, your current self,like when you get defensive?
Is that because you're thinkingfrom your?
You know a certain time in yourlife where you had to protect
(39:46):
yourself Like it's, it's therapy.
Speaker 2 (39:48):
That was you, oh, that was me I thought it was
such a medium, but I learned itfrom you.
Yes, wow.
Speaker 1 (39:53):
I did the hard work, I went to the therapy.
It was so important.
Speaker 2 (39:56):
Young therapist.
I think every friendship needsto have some form of therapy.
Yeah, together, or either likeyou went therapy, I'm in therapy
, so we can have a healthy.
Speaker 1 (40:05):
My platonic friendships taught me better
about my marriage, my intimaterelationship, because I, of
course, your husband, yourfriends first, yeah, and so a
lot of times we, it's so naturalbecause we're like, oh, you
know, we're, we're together allthe time.
Of course we're friends, ofcourse we like each other, all
the things.
But then I recognized therewere some things in my
(40:27):
friendships that I did carry oninto my marriage that were not
good habits, and so it was likea mirror and I was like, ooh,
ooh, them mirrors.
Speaker 3 (40:35):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (40:36):
And I would ask, I asked him.
I literally would ask like, hey, you know, I always ask you
know, he's my sounding boy whenwe do have fallouts and friends
and stuff like that and I'm like, well, do I do this to you, you
know?
And he, he like, yeah, girl,yeah, he's like I thought you do
that and I'm like, well, dang,when was he gonna tell me?
Speaker 3 (40:54):
But it's because he's so used to certain things that
it's like not even a secondthought for him, but it did Like
you said it's a growing, andhow things affect men are
different than how they are,certainly, but it makes me want
to change it.
Speaker 1 (41:07):
I'm like okay, no, I got to do better at that.
So 100%, yeah.
So we want to hear from you.
We want to hear if you have thevillage.
Are you prioritizing the girlsnights, the brunches, all the
things?
We hope that this conversationwas enjoyable for you.
Thank you for joining Mom'sAction.
We're motherhood Meet,sisterhood, see ya.
Welcome to Moms, Actually, where motherhood meets
sisterhood.
We are back for season 2 and weare so excited.
Before we get started, we wantto take a moment just to say
thank you.
Every like, every comment,every rating, every share.
It means the world to us and wewant to just take the time to
(00:20):
actually highlight some of thecomments that we receive.
The first one is from Indie09,who says I love the transparency
that each of you women havespoken on.
I honestly shed some tears forlistening to this because I felt
everywhere yes, moms get lostin motherhood.
Thank you all for this podcast.
I will be tuned in every weekand I listen to it daily.
(00:41):
These mean so much to us, so wewant to say thank you.
We ask that you continue tolike, continue to subscribe and
share with another mama.
So welcome back.
Let's get started.
Speaker 3 (00:55):
Hey, ma, welcome to Moms, actually, where motherhood
meets sisterhood.
I'm Blair and these are myco-hosts Morgan Taylor, sopa
Rush, and today we are talkingabout what About your?
Speaker 1 (01:08):
friends.
Speaker 3 (01:11):
So today we are going to play our very favorite game.
It's Giving Motherhood.
So some of you guys have playedwith us, some of you haven't.
So just in case, if you seeit's gold, that means yes, we
agree.
If it is white, you're like nogirl, that ain't it.
If you just aren't sure, youcan put it in the middle.
But you know your first answeris your right answer always Okay
(01:33):
, you guys ready?
Did your friendships changeafter having kids?
Yes, no.
Do many of your friends havekids?
Speaker 2 (01:47):
I think it's in the middle.
Speaker 3 (01:49):
I don't think so.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
Yeah, I would say it's in the middle.
Speaker 3 (01:53):
Have you ever felt left out of things after having
kids?
Certainly yes, for sure.
I've really haven't.
Speaker 1 (02:01):
No, you either didn't want to go or you was always
invited.
I was not invited.
Speaker 3 (02:08):
Do you find yourself ever comparing your friendships?
Yeah, Like the way they havefriends with other people and
all that stuff.
Yeah, 100% do.
Yeah, it's not good.
Have you ever had unrealisticexpectations from your friends?
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Yes 100%.
Speaker 3 (02:25):
If they can't read my mind, they're not being a great
friend.
Do you have friends that youknow would do anything for you?
Yes, certainly.
Are they catching a charge?
I don't know about that.
Mine would.
I don't think mine would.
I would say I think so, minewould.
I have a lot of questions,though she knows who she is,
(02:45):
mine would.
Do you make your friendships apriority in your life?
Yes, for sure.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
No, yeah, you do better than you think, no.
Speaker 3 (02:58):
I could do much better.
Do many of your friends havethe same lifestyle as you?
Speaker 1 (03:04):
That's in the middle.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
I would say it's in the middle.
I have like a little bit Groups, groups.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
They are grouped.
Yeah, it's in the middle.
Speaker 3 (03:11):
Did your friends stop inviting you places once you
became a mom?
Yes, yes for sure.
No, because I didn't getinvited.
Sure, because I like being inthe house.
Did becoming a mom change theamount of friends you had, or
the type of friends you had?
Speaker 1 (03:28):
Yeah, I would say so no, I don't think so.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
Kind of in between.
Yeah, maybe it's like inbetween for me.
Why do you think it's in?
Speaker 1 (03:36):
between, probably because of the time period.
I mean, I've been a mom for tenyears, ten years, and so
naturally your friends changedtoo.
Speaker 3 (03:46):
That's true.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
And so the things that like I originally I was not
my friends were still in theirlike teenage, like college.
You know we're doing this, that.
And the third when I firstbecame a mom and I couldn't go
to everything and they didn'tinvite me to everything because
they're like you just popped outof baby, they didn't invite you
to the club.
No, no, they did not, but no.
(04:10):
And then now it's kind of likemy life has changed.
You know what I'm saying.
And the group of friends.
I moved, like I relocated, andI've had my friends, like I said
, since I was a kid, like myfriends were since I was like
five years old, we've all hadthe same group.
So naturally you kind of splitand honestly now there's
(04:33):
probably only one to two friendsout of the group of like seven
that we had.
It's only like two I talk tolike regularly and my one.
That would catch a charge forme and your childhood friends or
like adult friends, more soadult friends.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
Okay, I didn't really have like stability so I didn't
have like a set group offriends that I grew up with.
So now I mean my friends that Ihave are all like I'm met in
pretty much that list that arereally close to me.
Speaker 3 (04:59):
Oh yeah, that's best.
I love it.
Your friends are great.
You actually have like that.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
Yeah, you have a solid, solid.
I love it.
Speaker 3 (05:06):
I went to her like book release party and I like
immediately text Morgan.
Speaker 1 (05:10):
I was like Soba probably has like the best
friend group that ever existedand y'all really like to
celebrate each other.
Y'all do, which is amazing.
Speaker 3 (05:17):
Thank you.
That's amazing.
You're going to get thatcongratulations text from me.
They're going to have balloonsParty and all of that.
Speaker 2 (05:24):
The crazy thing is I met them all via social media.
That's the crazy part.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
Oh, wow.
Speaker 2 (05:28):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
So you really really are a list?
Speaker 2 (05:31):
Yes, basically, but I met some crazies on social
media as well.
Friendships that went south.
How did that go?
You know I'm very trusting withpeople I love well, I love
deeply, and sometimes I'vecaught myself like extending so
much of myself to a person or Igive so much so fast that I
(05:54):
ended up getting hurt quicklybecause I'm like I thought they
had my best interest in mind.
Yeah, so it just sucks wheneverit doesn't go as planned or the
friendship takes a turn.
You're like what happened?
Speaker 3 (06:06):
Yeah, so that was one of the things that impressed me
about you, though, like, givenyour background and how you grew
up, I was like how does shetrust people?
Yeah, how do you like soquickly, like open up, because,
girl, you do not look like youknow a lot of what you're doing
None of us do?
I feel like?
Speaker 2 (06:22):
certainly that's another thing, that's another
thing.
But, Blair have you ever hadfriendships that kind of went
south or just kind of fell apart?
Speaker 3 (06:32):
So how I describe myself and it's like a fault of
my own I'm like the third friend, like, yeah, I'm like it'll be
like a group of us and then,like I'm the friend that just
kind of like randomly likedisappears and then they become
best friends and they're friendsfor like 30 years.
Yeah, it's been like that sinceI was a young kid.
I can literally name like everyfew years that kind of
(06:53):
situation happening and so youknow, I don't know what came
first, the chicken or the egg,like if, like it's me not like
nurturing the friendship, or ifI just know that's what happens.
So now I'm like you know,people go, people come or what
have you.
I was in Germany, I was like amilitary kid, so a lot of I
learned early like friends comeand go, so it just I didn't know
(07:16):
what to do.
Like I didn't know what to dobecause I just knew things
changed and I think a lot ofpeople learned that older.
Yeah, I learned that at seventhat you can make really good
friends and then you cannot havethem one day.
Yeah, so it just kind of gotingrained in me.
But now as an adult, I'm tryingto tell myself like just because
that's like what the situationmeant, like you can't just say
(07:36):
that's how I am or that's how itis, but it's very hard to break
almost 40 years of likesocialization and like just
initiate texts and like say heyhow are you doing Like it all
just feels so weird it does, butit's like doesn't mean.
I'm not thinking about theperson.
Speaker 2 (07:54):
So, to kind of go off what you were saying, I think a
lot of it stems fromexpectations of like because
your friendships may have notbeen the friendships that you
longed for, because I've dealtwith that too.
Like I felt like I didn't havea lot of expectations for my
friendships at first, and so Ilearned how to communicate like
no, this is what I need from you, and I think that really helped
shift how we moved in ourfriendship and have breakthrough
(08:15):
.
Because it's like this isthat's why my friends celebrate,
because I'm like I need it no.
I tell them like this isimportant to me, so this should
be important to you guys as well.
So I want to be celebrated.
The old me would have been likeno, it's not a big deal, it's
okay, but then my feelings wouldget hurt.
Speaker 3 (08:31):
Yeah, and.
Speaker 1 (08:31):
I think that's what I'm going through and that
happens so much in friendshipsin general.
I think we all have momentswhere we're like upset and we're
hurt and all of the things, andwe feel like I know for me I've
heard this a couple of timeslike I'm not dating you.
Speaker 2 (08:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
You know.
So I think people like havethat fine line and they don't
know how to really get theboundary set.
So you either do too much oryou do not enough.
Speaker 3 (08:58):
Because, you don't want to be the needy friend.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
But you also don't know how to communicate there
has to be boundaries.
Just because this relationshipis not intimate and it's
platonic, it doesn't mean thatit doesn't matter, because some
of those relationships are likethe most important, exactly.
Speaker 2 (09:15):
You know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
Especially sisterhood .
Are y'all like the no newfriends, Like I don't do girls,
or are you like the no?
Give me the friends.
Well, I got two new friendsright here?
Speaker 3 (09:24):
Yes, no, I'm always open to it.
Like people say, it's hard tomake friends as an adult, but I
feel like it's actually beeneasier, maybe because I've come
out my show as more likeintroverted as a kid and I was
always afraid of like rejectionor being left out, but now I'm
like I've learned how to meet somany people and talk to so many
people, so I'm always open toit, or what have you?
And I also understand there'sdifferent types of friends.
(09:47):
You know, like there's noteverybody's not not in a bad way
, but it's not all.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
That's a good one, Because it's like I feel like
there was times where I'm likereally quick to be like oh, this
is my yeah, you know what I'msaying, like yeah bestie and
it's like, yeah, you know, and Ithink that's okay.
And people do get offended wherethey feel like, okay, well, I'm
not your best friend, yeah, I'mnot super, super close to you,
(10:16):
but I think it's okay to havebuckets, yeah, which is why I
was saying, like it's hard tosay, you know, my friend's
lifestyle was the same as minenow, because I really do have
like buckets of friends and Ilove them all, like I don't love
anyone more or less or whatever.
I just know like, hey, theseare my friends that I can, you
know, bounce ideas off of, andlike we talk business and all
(10:39):
this, and if I just need to letmy hair down, I already know
what group to call exactly, andthat's okay, yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:45):
And I think sometimes we get a little like but how do
you deal with, like friendship,jealousy Because have you had
the things?
Where it's like, oh, you wentwith them or you did this with
them, and it goes both ways.
Like some people will say thatto you like, oh, what you got
going on more and sometimesyou'll see your friends like
yeah, and it's like oh.
Speaker 1 (11:03):
You didn't tell me right.
Yeah, yeah, that's hard becausewhat I do, or what I've tried
to do anyway, especially once Irelocate it, I try to mix my
friends in a way, yeah, not likein a bad way, like forcing
people to be friends, but moreso like if I'm having a girl's
night at my house or whatever, Ijust mix everybody together
(11:25):
because I'm like somebody'sgonna all y'all are gonna all
find some type of commonality Atsome point.
so it makes it a little biteasier for me, that's true,
which I don't know if thatsounds selfish or not, but I
feel like it makes it easybecause one it's like now people
are starting to find newfriends.
Within the frame group and Ican hang out with everybody at
the same time I think with thewhole friendship, jealousy is
(11:47):
just for me.
Speaker 2 (11:49):
What I've learned over the years is communicating
with my friends.
Like you don't have to feelsome type of way when I hang out
with this person because thelove is still there regardless.
But me and my best friendalways say we don't belong to
each other, like she doesn'tknow me, I don't own her.
So when she wants to hang outwith a friend, I'm happy for her
, like I want her to go in anddo it.
And some Friends now a lot oflike you were saying, I mix a
(12:11):
lot of my friends together andthey hang out with themselves.
So it's like really cool becauseI'm like y'all can go hang out,
yeah, but it's.
It's taken a lot to learn howto not allow that to affect me
as well and feel jealous or feellike they're not including me.
Speaker 3 (12:24):
Yeah, I feel good now , like I'm not even gonna
pretend, like I've seen it inlike You're like dang, yeah, why
don't you?
Tell me about that.
Yeah, because I certainly wouldhave said no, but yeah so
that's a good question, thoughlike what type?
Speaker 1 (12:35):
what does that conversation sound like?
Because we're talking about itand we're saying like, oh, have
the conversation and you know,be honest.
But what does that sound like?
Because there's a lot of momsand women in general that we're,
we have the friends, we knowthat we're supposed to
communicate, but we don't knowthe words to say to that other
person, especially once you havethat baby, and they are not
(12:58):
inviting you.
Yeah, what?
Speaker 3 (12:59):
does that sound like for me I don't have the
conversation because I know it'sme and it's not fair, it's not
to me and that how it is.
For that I don't think it'sfair to put that on them.
Like I know rationally, likepeople can hang out together.
I know rationally, like Maybethere's a reason, you know they
didn't, I don't want to go, orthey didn't invite me.
Like I go out and do otherthings With different friends,
(13:21):
so why do I, why is it differentfor me?
So I those kind ofconversations I don't have.
What I know it's me.
I just don't think that's fairnot to say you can't have the
conversation.
I just don't see the point.
Because what are they going tosay?
Like well, I have other friends.
Well, yeah, you do and you getto.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
But for me.
When I was walking throughmotherhood the first child I
felt all those feelings.
You were feeling, yeah, likewhy and why aren't they inviting
me?
Why aren't I being included?
Like this doesn't make sense tome, yeah, and I literally would
cry.
I'd be like yo, I'm in thishouse with this baby.
Yeah, but I also like, as Ibecome, you know, few years into
motherhood, I know that likethey're not doing it
(13:56):
intentionally and sometimesthey're thinking of me like yeah
, yeah they're trying to likemake sure that I'm okay with the
baby, like I just maybe I don'twant to go out, you know.
So Just making sure, too, that Icommunicate.
Like yeah, please stop notinviting me.
I don't like that.
Yes, that's what.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
I've said, I've literally told my friends at
times like, hey guys, justbecause I have a baby does not
mean that I cannot go.
No, now I've also said doesn'tmean I'm going to say yes, but
give me the option, you know,give me the option to say yes or
no, because I want there couldbe a day where I need to get out
the house and I know there havebeen plenty of times,
(14:35):
especially with social media nowand you're at home, you're in
the bed and you got, uh, babydrool all over you like, there
have been so many nights, or I'mlike gosh Miss villain messy
bun shirt on in the bedscrolling all my friends are.
Oh my god, I'm like that.
(14:56):
I just close the app.
You know it's hurtful.
Speaker 3 (15:00):
Yeah, because then you're like nobody even thought
about me and sometimes, even ifthey ask me, you say no, when
you see it, it still bothers melike, yeah, but it's worse.
Speaker 1 (15:07):
Well, it's worse if they don't ask you.
Speaker 3 (15:09):
And this is, you couldn't have been this person,
since you had a child a littleearlier.
But but, so but?
Were you ever like the friend?
Did you ever have?
Did any of your friends havekids before you and like you
didn't have?
Speaker 2 (15:21):
I don't think so, oh, I think I was the first one out
of my friend group to have ababy.
You were so, you were thepractice, I was the practice.
But so I think that's what madeit so much harder, because no
one understood where I wascoming from.
Yeah, no one understood like,let's continue to include her, I
make her feel special.
Or even the the checking inparty was like, oh, she's good,
she's got a baby at home, she'schilling, you know, with her
(15:43):
family.
But I'm like I need a sociallife too.
Yeah, so I have that Offensiveproblem.
Speaker 3 (15:48):
That's why I asked so .
When I so, it wasn't on purpose, because it would sound like
the pregnancy pack, but it'slike a lot of people got
pregnant at once, including me.
But then I ended up caring.
But everybody else had liketheir babies.
So it's like this whole groupof people had babies at the same
time.
So they were like doing allthis stuff together.
(16:10):
And I would not get invited andI guess it would be weird if I
wasn't invited because it waslike kid stuff.
But it's like I think it canalso be the opposite way, like I
think it's hard to think aboutit as the friend that doesn't
have the baby.
Like we're thinking about itfrom our perspective not getting
invited, all this stuff butit's like you've also started
this life now where you mightmeet other people or you're into
(16:31):
other things.
But yeah, I felt so left out.
Speaker 1 (16:34):
I like that you said that, though, because it also
brings the responsibility backon us.
Yeah, I know there's plenty oftimes where Even what we're
saying now like oh well, youknow I want to be invited, but
you know I might not say yes,because I do have the kids but
also, like, what type of?
What effort are we putting in toour friendships?
(16:55):
Because sometimes the oneswithout the kids, they don't
really know how to Support usand it's more than just us
communicating it.
But like their way of supportis maybe they're talking about
the baby and they're bringingsomething over for the baby and
it's not a bad thing and I thinkwe've even seen that a couple
times in our comments and stufflike that.
(17:15):
Like our aunties are like whatdo y'all want from?
Speaker 3 (17:18):
her because I was like I felt left out, but I also
didn't want to hang out withlike a baby, I didn't want to go
to the restaurant with like abit, like it was just a weird
period of time, yeah.
So it's like interesting tohave been on the other side,
yeah, and then, you know, I justthink both sides are going
through it, but like both peopleare feeling left out.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
Yes, and especially if you had like time, if you had
like, if you're really closewith someone, and then you had
the baby, yeah, and then yourfriend is like well, what am I
supposed to do?
Yeah, you want me to invite yousomewhere and you can't you say
no.
Yeah, Then when I don't inviteyou, you're mad.
And then when I call you don'tpick up the phone because you're
probably tired.
So it's like how do we?
(17:58):
What's the balance?
I think.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
I know, I think, I know, I mean.
Speaker 3 (18:02):
I had a trip once and my friend might remember this
and it was I called it marriedand tripping and we went to the
cabin or whatever, and all of us, except for one of them, had a
child at the time and we werelike we are not talking about
our kids, we're not doing himbecause you know she hadn't had
a child yet and that was asensitive subject, but we can't
stop talking about our freakingkids.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
It's just like a thing that you can't help.
Speaker 3 (18:25):
So I think it can like also like make a person
feel excluded.
And I think it could happen theother way, if you're like
everybody doesn't have kids andthen you're the mom checking in
and always on your phone Likeit's just the dynamics change so
much, and I think that's whyit's important to have different
groups so you're not justdependent on your, you know if
you just have your person.
(18:45):
I don't think you can just haveone person.
Speaker 2 (18:47):
Yeah.
Do you guys ever talks herelike non-mom friends about
motherhood?
Speaker 1 (18:53):
Yeah, I would say so.
I mean not all the time.
It just I think it depends onwhat they want to talk about.
You know what I mean.
Like sometimes they'll ask mequestions, but a lot of times
it's like this time is for us wejust hang it out and we chill
it.
But they do.
I joke with them all the timebecause they, when they do,
invite me to places.
Sometimes it's like Mark,where's the kids?
(19:15):
I'm like I'm not breaking thisRight.
Speaker 2 (19:17):
I'm here.
Speaker 1 (19:18):
Yeah, so it's just like that type of.
But they love being like auntieand all of that, and I'm like
no, it's just us guys Like, andthat's too like we feel I'm, I'm
, you know, I'm still valuable,just with me.
Speaker 3 (19:32):
Oh, that's a whole other conversation.
After you have the baby andeverybody calls you and they
never talk to you.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
But that's a friendship thing.
How's the baby?
How's this?
Yeah, yeah, like it's, I'mstill a person, yeah.
Speaker 2 (19:42):
Do you ever ask your friends for help, even if they
aren't like, even if they havebabies, or if they don't have
babies like you communicate?
Speaker 1 (19:49):
Yes, they have my children right now.
Speaker 3 (19:53):
Oh yeah, I don't know .
I always say I would never hada second child if it was not for
my friends and my family.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
The village.
Yeah, I didn't potty train mykids Like.
Speaker 3 (20:02):
My best friend did that, Like it's just I was, and
she didn't even have kids at thetime.
That's the magic of it all.
She had no kids.
I don't know.
Maybe she had potty trainedlike a nephew or something, but
she got them right and like,helped them start speaking, like
I had a lot of help from myfriends and I learned in being a
mother to ask for help and Ican.
(20:24):
Friends and family are the firstplace you go all the time.
I think you know which friendsto ask, certainly, like I
probably wouldn't have been thatfar, just being real, you know.
But that's why, again, you havedifferent options of
friendships.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
Yeah, so our goal is pretty much to make sure that we
keep our friendships a priority.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:41):
Yeah, I would definitely say so.
I think that they're veryimportant.
I don't think that you canreally get through life well
without a village and without,especially as women, without
sisters.
You need them.
Yeah, you can talk to your manall day long and he may or may
not understand.
He may, you know, encourage youor just tell you what you want
to hear, but no one is going tounderstand you like your sisters
(21:03):
.
And I think that part is so, soimportant, like, which is why I
wanted, I want to do betterwith how I pour into my friends,
because, again, it's a two waystreet.
Like I can't expect my friendsto read my mind and do things
for me, and I do feel guiltyabout that sometimes, because I
always have so much going on, Ifeel like I don't always pour
the way I would love to backinto my friend.
(21:26):
So that's one thing I have toget better at.
Speaker 3 (21:28):
I don't either, but I'd say who's teaching me to be
a better friend is Sopa.
Yes, sopa is so intentionalabout friendships.
Yes, so in, you know, it bringson some guilt sometimes, but
I'm like, oh, I got to do betterat this because I just know, I
see how she does it.
Yeah, like, even thoughsometimes I know better, don't
do better.
I'm just like I think about itmore actively now because I'm
like I know how you like to beloved.
(21:49):
And so then I spread thatagainst all my other friends,
just because they're not asvocal about it, like, yeah, not
to make it sound, you know, likeoh my God, sopa is saying yeah.
But you share how you feel andit's really helpful and I think
a lot of other people don't,like we talked about, and so I'm
like if Sopa is saying this,then that means other people
feel like this and it just makesme actively think about it.
Speaker 2 (22:09):
So now I just got my actions to follow up with the
recognition, you're more awareof your other friendships.
So my question to you guys islike how do you?
Or like what do you tellsomeone who doesn't have a
community of sisters?
Or like who's longing for that?
Because some women I get thisquestion all the time is like
I've seen you have amazingfriends, but like how do I
(22:33):
create that?
Or like I just need some adviceon how to have sisters who I
can trust to help me raise myfamily.
Speaker 3 (22:39):
I want you to answer first.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (22:41):
You met a lot of your friends online.
You're like in adulthood orwhat have you yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:47):
So if I was to encourage anybody who is trying
to create a community or avillage, it's just saying true
to who you are and beingauthentic.
You know, I feel like a lot ofpeople are trying to fit like
what a friendship is, butsometimes it may not work for
you, as it works for my circle.
And so just saying true to whoyou are and, yeah, just being
(23:08):
your authentic self, I thinkthat's the biggest thing,
because people can read anddiscern you being someone that
you're not.
Speaker 3 (23:14):
That's a good word.
Speaker 2 (23:15):
Kind of how you lose friendships.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:18):
That's a big thing.
I was going to say just beingopen and also discern.
Speaker 2 (23:23):
Yeah, discern.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
Dissern is so, so important because you know, once
you get those friends, youeither, and discernment goes
both ways.
Speaker 2 (23:31):
Yes, it does.
Speaker 1 (23:32):
You can literally get the friends and you're like, oh
you know, I want to keep themclosed, or you can be too
guarded and you're notdiscerning enough, exactly, and
so you're like keeping yourselffrom making those friends and
making those connections becauseyou're not being like open.
So I would say be open as muchas you can, continue to be your
authentic self, and it will come.
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (23:53):
I think what helped me is what you just said just
being open.
Yeah, I just learned.
I used to like chameleon myself, like to make people very
comfortable all the time, and sothen everybody was comfortable,
but I, you know, I wasn't youknow, and so I just learned you
know.
Say whatever I'm thinking, bemyself, and the people who
should stick to me will stick tome.
Other people won't.
Speaker 2 (24:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (24:14):
And that's totally fine and I've met awesome people
by doing that.
It's completely changed like myrelationship with people and
that's why I say like I met mostof my friends after kids,
because I started going out more, I started being more authentic
to myself, because I also wantto show my kids how to live like
authentically and transparentlyand like being themselves, and
(24:36):
so it's helped a lot.
Speaker 2 (24:37):
I think we also forgot the biggest like number
one thing is prayer.
Like praying for the rightpeople to be in your circle.
Certainly, I feel like I prayedfor my community, yeah, and I
asked God to send the rightpeople to help me raise my kids,
because I couldn't do it on myown and I live far away from
family, both sides of our family.
So the community that we, youknow we had where we live now,
(25:01):
like it was birth, I believe,out of my prayer life.
So I agree.
Speaker 1 (25:05):
No, I totally agree.
When I, when I first moved, Iliterally had like no friends in
the new area and I, and thenthe pandemic happened and then I
was like, okay, and you know Ihad a few, but I felt like they
didn't.
We never got to hang out earlyor you know, they didn't know my
true self and I, like that.
You said that like I'mmisunderstood a lot, a lot,
(25:29):
what's wrong?
Yeah, I misunderstood a lot,and so I was.
I didn't feel like I was reallygiven a chance and then I just
started praying about it.
I was like you know what I amnot, you know, too big and bad
to just say I need friends, Ineed people.
And then the ones that werethere, I made sure to try to
(25:51):
appreciate and not mourn thepeople that weren't.
Speaker 3 (25:53):
Yeah, you know this is going to sound crazy.
I've never really thought topray like for friends and like
to have friendships, and thecrazy thing about that is we'll
pray for a man, we'll pray for aboyfriend, we'll pray for a
husband.
Speaker 2 (26:06):
Hull is.
Speaker 3 (26:07):
Yes, like help us, you know a job.
But I've never really thoughtlike you know, bring the right,
you know friends and likemaintain that, Like I think
that's a really good one.
Speaker 2 (26:16):
You need the alignment.
Yes, yes, A hundred percent.
You don't want people in yourcircle that aren't supportive or
aren't wanting to celebrate youany of that.
So prayer works.
For everything, Prayer works.
I have a question, y'all.
Speaker 1 (26:28):
I saw this meme the other day and it said don't you
hate when, like you, aren'tfriends with a person anymore,
but you miss their kids.
Speaker 2 (26:36):
Oh yes.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
Every day.
But, have you ever had, like, afriendship through like, and
then your kids get connected tothem Like?
How do you deal with that?
Because I know that it's athing and it needs to be talked
about.
Speaker 3 (26:52):
Yeah, I don't personally like miss their kids
because I'm probably notinteracting with them.
I more miss it for my kids.
Yeah, like missing that friend,like it's just, I think, seeing
kids I didn't grow up with alot of friends as a kid.
I didn't grow up with cousins,any of that.
So when I see kids interactingwith each other, I feel really
bad that that relationship isgone and I only say I don't miss
(27:14):
a kid because I'm probably nothanging out with the kids, both
of our kids playing and we'retalking.
So you know you mourn thatrelationship and I hate that my
child loses that relationshipbecause of something going on or
just talking yeah.
I think that just sucks.
Yeah, it does.
I've been there.
Yeah, well, you had a questionfor a really long time.
Speaker 1 (27:33):
No no, no, I just wanted to.
I was like say more yes, saymore Tea, give me tea.
No, honestly, I have.
I think one of the things thatI learned is just being more
mindful of how I cultivate thoserelationships, because I never
really thought about it evenhappening.
(27:53):
You don't go into friendships,thinking, oh my gosh, we're not
going to be friends after three,four, six months or years or
whatever and our friends are notgoing to be able to.
I mean, our kids are not goingto be able to grow up together.
So I had to learn that lessonof OK, not to be super guarded
per se, but like not to do thewhole, like Auntie so-and-so is
(28:16):
here.
Speaker 3 (28:16):
Oh yeah.
And it seems so I know, Is thata southern thing too?
Because I swear my kids got 500aunts of 1000 uncles.
Speaker 1 (28:23):
Yes, I'm an auntie for about a thousand.
I think it sounds so easy to do, but it allows that child to
get connected to that person onanother level, because you are
now basically saying this isyour family.
You know what I mean.
And so then when thatrelationship disappears, then it
feels weird, then you're likehaving to explain it, which is
(28:44):
good that you can kind of talkthrough that and it's a lesson,
but it depends on how old it isyou got me thinking about a lot
of things now.
I mean, I had to learn that Ikind of had to say OK, like
maybe you don't do that as fast,Like maybe you don't say the
auntie thing so fast, or maybejust being able to really just
be mindful of those things,because it happens.
(29:05):
Has that happened to you?
Speaker 2 (29:07):
Many times she's like yeah, no, I get really
connected to the kids because Ibabysit them, I watch them.
They come hang out with my kidsand me.
So that is the hard.
I feel like that's harder thanthe actual relationship of the
adults, because I love kids andI love how they connect with my
kids.
Then they just become a part ofmy family.
So that is really hard.
Speaker 3 (29:29):
It is when your kids asking if they can see their
friend or their auntie or theirwhatever, and it's like well
they're out of town.
Speaker 1 (29:41):
What I've said is like no, we just won't go over
there today and I'm like I kindof just kind of hope that they
forget.
Speaker 3 (29:48):
Their memories keep getting better and better.
Speaker 1 (29:51):
But what I will say this and which I have learned
recently, is if my kid comeshome with an invitation to like
a birthday party from somebodyat school, right, and I'm going
to take them to that birthdayparty, I don't know that mom,
you know what I mean, but that'smy kid's friend.
So if the same thing happenswith a friend and the kids are
(30:12):
friends still, why wouldn't Isay yes, they can go.
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (30:16):
I mean, are you getting invited?
Speaker 1 (30:17):
though, yes, the friend would still invite you.
Yeah, because they're the kid.
I mean, that's a maturerelationship, Listen.
But I have had that happenwhere we're not friends anymore
but the kids are still yeah, Idon't have anything like that,
so I'm just like oh, I did thatfor my last.
Speaker 2 (30:33):
actually, I just did that for in June for my kid's
birthday, and it didn't go verywell.
I got a whole long message.
So I was like OK, she's like ifthe whole family is not invited
, then my kid is not invited andI was like, oh, the whole
family can come.
So it's just like it's a weirdsituation.
I think it can go either way,it depends how healed the person
(30:54):
is.
Speaker 3 (30:54):
That's true.
Speaker 2 (30:55):
Like the relationship between the parent.
Speaker 3 (30:57):
Yeah, but you were just trying to think about the
kid, but that's what I tried tothink of.
Speaker 1 (31:00):
I was thinking about the kid, and that's what I'm
saying.
I think that's the mindset Ifeel like we should have is, hey
, even though we're not friends,our kids are friends, and
that's why I tried to equate itto this person that I don't even
know.
Speaker 2 (31:14):
That I mean.
Speaker 1 (31:15):
I've done a whole play date with my daughter's mom
and her.
Like them, all four of ustogether.
I didn't know that lady fromAdam.
You know what I mean, so whywouldn't I do that with someone
who I have known?
And yes, there's a weirdtension there, but we can.
Speaker 3 (31:34):
Because it's best for the kids.
Yeah, and it'll make the kidshappy yeah, especially if it's a
birthday party 100%.
Speaker 1 (31:39):
We're not buckled up together anyway.
She's just like come on, girl,let's go to this party and bring
nice gear Makes sense, that'sgood advice.
Speaker 2 (31:47):
Yes, this one's hard, but how do you deal with
friendship like friendshipbreakups?
Because I feel like those arevery painful.
They are, they are.
Speaker 1 (31:58):
I have cried a lot.
I think it's because I reallydo care about my friends and so
I think it's good to feel that,though I think that's the way
you deal is to feel it Becauseit's easy again, if you're not
dating a person, if you're in,you know it's not an intimate
relationship, then you're notsupposed to be sad and you gotta
be like well whatever like youknow, whatever about them, I
(32:22):
don't care, it is what it is,but like no, you do care.
That was a relationship that youhad and that's okay to say that
.
And so I like mourn therelationship and then I move on.
Speaker 3 (32:31):
Yeah, what about you?
I don't know.
I think it's a little harderfor me to move on, cause I don't
make a lot of people that Icall friends, that I actually
want to hang out with or talk toor like relate to.
So like, when I've lostfriendships, it really hurts
because for me and it's usually,I think it'd be different it's
just like time pass and we justkind of weren't friends.
But it's like I really pridemyself on my character, not that
(32:53):
I'm perfect, but I am who I amand I just think like I'm
trustworthy, like just a lot ofstuff about me.
So when I lose a friend becausethey're doubting something
about my character, it just ithurts me immensely because I'm
like I feel like I've proved andnot like I got to prove who I
am.
I've shown and exhibited who Iam over and over again.
(33:14):
So like, how is this happeningover this Yep?
Or like, and if I did, do it,like something that like
offended that person, like, canmy character be enough to
overcome it?
Speaker 1 (33:25):
Gosh, it's so good, yeah, I've been there and it's
like it hurts.
Speaker 3 (33:29):
It hurts because you're like then I feel like you
never really knew me, yeah,yeah, and I'm like, did you or
like, is it?
And I also understand.
I think a lot of people'sissues with you have nothing to
do with you.
That part, and that's the Ithink that's the closest I can
get to moving on is people gotstuff going on that have nothing
to do with you, and I thinkthat's how it rationalized.
(33:50):
Some friends not hitting me up,things Like people got whole
marriages, friendships, work,people are tired, like
everything doesn't have to dowith.
Oh well, you know, I just don'tfeel like Colin Blair.
I don't feel like doing likepeople have stuff going on.
So I know like people havestuff going on and maybe I'm the
lucky person on a Thursday thatthe blood of that issue that
now becomes a whole big issueyeah, when it would have been a
(34:11):
small issue on a Tuesday orwhatever you know, and so that.
So it's hard to move on becauseit makes me question myself
Certainly and I'm just like, ohcould.
I have done this, but I'm like Iknow my intentions, but other
people just feel Impacts and,yeah, the pandemic exposed a lot
of relationships for me.
Speaker 1 (34:30):
I know that for sure, because it was like we either
were like really close if wetalked or like random stuff came
out and I'm like I don't evenknow that you felt that way
about.
Speaker 3 (34:42):
Like y'all have a lot of time to think in this house.
Speaker 1 (34:44):
But it was like it was very defining.
You know what I mean, and I wasgrateful for it because it
allowed me to see what peoplereally thought of me, and I will
.
I was the same way as you.
Yeah, I had a moment where Iwas like, oh my gosh, like am I
really that bad?
Like, am I a bad person?
Because this person feels thisway about me and it does it.
(35:05):
I feel like my character isflawed.
Speaker 3 (35:07):
And mine.
My two of them happened duringthe pandemic too, so you just
have no time but to say andthink about it, think about it.
I have four happened like that,oh my God.
So I couldn't do that.
Two was hard enough to two, Ithink I had two or four.
Speaker 2 (35:19):
Yeah, it was very tough for me, but it allowed me
to do a lot of self reflection.
Yeah, it's so hot, it's alsofitting in like OK, what are
some things that I can change?
Speaker 3 (35:27):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (35:27):
Obviously, I know my character is in tax and I know
that like I didn't do insomething intentionally to hurt
them, right.
But there were some things thatI could have changed Exactly.
Oh, certain 100% so yeah,friendship breakups are so hard,
but they're also like blessingsand disguises.
Yeah, yeah, I agree, I've grownso much, me too, those
(35:48):
heartaches.
Speaker 1 (35:49):
It's like I'm aware more, yeah, more aware, like the
things that they do say.
I'm like, ok, maybe it wasn'tto that extreme, yeah, but
there's some truth there, youknow to it and I can, yeah, no,
it's definitely grown more of.
Speaker 3 (36:01):
you know.
It benefited, it worked out.
But it'll all make me sadbecause I cared about that
person and I wish like I couldhave got better with that person
still in my corner or thosepeople you know.
Speaker 2 (36:16):
So it's so, there's a .
Speaker 3 (36:17):
Social media Damn followed me, and so I followed
them for a while and then Ithink I realized they unfollowed
me and then I kept followingthem and then it just like, so I
am followed.
And then one I just had I mutedbecause I think they like says
something about me on socialmedia, so I didn't want to watch
it because I was like we mightbecome.
I'm that person.
Yeah, I might become friendsagain, and I don't want to hold
(36:37):
that against them.
So I never watched it, or wouldhave you.
And so, yeah, I was, you know,watched it.
And I think sometimes, like oneof them, my friend like shows
it all the time, I'm like, oh,she's doing so good, I'm very
happy for her, but, and I think,like that one, I like reached
out a little bit.
It was real dry, so I just, youknow, I let it go.
I'm not gonna be, a littledesperate puppy, but I'm like,
(36:57):
hey, I still like you, do youlike me?
Reach out?
That's a good point I did.
And she I'm gonna reach out her.
Yeah, the funny thing is I'mnot normally with my regular
friends, but I think to show herlike, hey, I still like you, I
still care about you, you knowI'm gonna.
You know, I don't reach out allthe time.
I think it was like you know, Ithink I reached out like once,
like a year ago, and then,another time like something
(37:19):
simple, but like, hey, I ain'tgot no issue, Like it might have
it with me, but I just want youto know because I loved how our
kids were into it Like it wasthe kids thing too, and I
actually loved her kids, somaybe I do actually, yeah, so
I'm out of there, I love, I'mlike, yeah, so I actually am a
reach her outter, like I like toReach her outter, get on a
(37:40):
shirt team.
Speaker 2 (37:41):
No, because I love my friendship so much, I want to
pursue them and like I willpursue, pursue, pursue.
And so I am like I know thatit's not going anywhere.
You know if I've done my part,in knowing that I've at least
tried with this friendship,because I value people.
And when it's not being like,it's not being reciprocated, or
they're just not healed from thesituation.
(38:02):
Then I'm like I back off and belike, okay, I'll watch from a
distance and I'm like I'm happyyou're healing, you're doing
well, you're marriage isthriving, like all those things.
Speaker 1 (38:09):
But yeah, I will reach out and I don't want to
say I'm not, but what I will sayis I will.
When everything first happens,I will make sure I do my part,
like I'll say, hey, let's sitdown and let's talk, like I'll
be the one to initiate those Ifthose do not go well and there's
no resolution from those.
And I'll do that like maybe oneto two times, like I'll give it
(38:32):
some good, I'll really give ita good go, and then, if it
doesn't, then I feel like, okay,you just really don't want to
be my friend and I'm not goingto force you baby, so let's just
call it what it is and that'sokay.
We just, you know, and maybethat friendship was for a season
.
Speaker 2 (38:49):
It is, yeah, well, me , most friendships are, whether
long term or short term.
Yeah, you're right, but I didread something, so that's over
we're all good, but I did readsomething that sometimes you
meet people where they aredepending on their inner child,
like whatever.
Wherever they are in life, youknow you could be a friendship
to a person when they were 12years old, even if they're 30
(39:11):
right now.
So it depends so what they needin that moment, that's good.
Yeah so it really does help mewith my friendships.
Like, where are they in life?
Are they they're, you know, 15year old?
Is that who's speaking to me,or is this someone that you know
?
Speaker 3 (39:24):
I know all about that .
We learn in therapy.
The therapist would be like old, are you right now?
But that's what they'd ask Likewhen you're like really that
was you, that was you.
How old are you right now?
And are you talking from yourfour year old self, your 12 year
old self, your current self,like when you get defensive?
Is that because you're thinkingfrom your?
You know a certain time in yourlife where you had to protect
(39:46):
yourself Like it's, it's therapy.
Speaker 2 (39:48):
That was you, oh, that was me I thought it was
such a medium, but I learned itfrom you.
Yes, wow.
Speaker 1 (39:53):
I did the hard work, I went to the therapy.
It was so important.
Speaker 2 (39:56):
Young therapist.
I think every friendship needsto have some form of therapy.
Yeah, together, or either likeyou went therapy, I'm in therapy
, so we can have a healthy.
Speaker 1 (40:05):
My platonic friendships taught me better
about my marriage, my intimaterelationship, because I, of
course, your husband, yourfriends first, yeah, and so a
lot of times we, it's so naturalbecause we're like, oh, you
know, we're, we're together allthe time.
Of course we're friends, ofcourse we like each other, all
the things.
But then I recognized therewere some things in my
(40:27):
friendships that I did carry oninto my marriage that were not
good habits, and so it was likea mirror and I was like, ooh,
ooh, them mirrors.
Speaker 3 (40:35):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (40:36):
And I would ask, I asked him.
I literally would ask like, hey, you know, I always ask you
know, he's my sounding boy whenwe do have fallouts and friends
and stuff like that and I'm like, well, do I do this to you, you
know?
And he, he like, yeah, girl,yeah, he's like I thought you do
that and I'm like, well, dang,when was he gonna tell me?
Speaker 3 (40:54):
But it's because he's so used to certain things that
it's like not even a secondthought for him, but it did Like
you said it's a growing, andhow things affect men are
different than how they are,certainly, but it makes me want
to change it.
Speaker 1 (41:07):
I'm like okay, no, I got to do better at that.
So 100%, yeah.
So we want to hear from you.
We want to hear if you have thevillage.
Are you prioritizing the girlsnights, the brunches, all the
things?
We hope that this conversationwas enjoyable for you.
Thank you for joining Mom'sAction.
We're motherhood Meet,sisterhood, see ya.
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