The Wonky is Back In The Saddle!

Episode Transcript
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(00:01):
Happy Manda everyone. Thank you fortuning into Moms and Mayhem. I am
your host loophole via today and backwhere she belongs, staring me in the
face with that beautiful, beautiful,beautiful face of hers. Miss Amanda Wags

(00:21):
Waller, Hi, Wags, Imissed you so much. Oh my god.
I've never loved being missed so muchin my life, and I've never
known how to deal with people thatlove me so much. So thank you
because you were so missed and forthe audience. Just so you know,

(00:43):
Amanda is much better at going intoloopholes than I am. She did notify
us before she went into a loophole. She did not go at my a.
She did not completely disappear. Butit was hard for a couple of
days because I didn't have my wigsto talk to you, and full disclosure,
we talk daily, like quite abit daily, so um and then

(01:08):
not to not to record with you, although we did have Charis who was
also with us today and in thebackyard, our Charisi Pooh, our in
house Ginger x Mormon Um and AbbyEasterner. Thank you again so much.
I hope everyone enjoyed her. Butit's not having you here it's just not

(01:32):
the same thing. It just wasnot the same. So I'm so happy
to have you back. I'm thankfulto be back. And can I just
give mad props to both of thoseladies. I don't know if that's what
the kids are still saying this,but like we know Sharize is good,
Like Charie has her own damn show, Like we know she's good. We
know she knows what she's doing,right, I guess she's been on team.

(01:53):
She's great. But I'd loved havingboth of them on last week when
Robin wasn't here, having them bothon it was so nice. But it
was so weird to hear someone onour show that wasn't me, Like,
yeah, right, it's weird ina row, it was very like oh,

(02:16):
Like I almost felt distant enough thatI'm like, they're really good,
Like maybe maybe take some more timeoff. No, Like, my sanity
needed to come back. I neededto put myself back into something creative and
something that brings me joy and somethingthat's tangible, like recording a podcast every
week is something that I can do, Like it doesn't take a whole lot

(02:39):
of effort to take some planning.It takes a lot of communication, but
it doesn't require me to give morethan what I'm willing to give, and
it's well, not willing, Iwould say capable. Yeah, that's better,
that's a better word. So I'mgoing to let you go here because

(03:00):
I think this is your truth inyour story to tell. If you want
to share what happened to you overthe past what I would say, three
weeks. It's it's been longer thanthat. It's probably been two months.
I would say, yeah, it'sdefinitely been two months. And I I
mean, we're not one to givetrigger warnings, like if you listen to
our show, you know that we'revery unfiltered and in your face, but

(03:21):
there are certain things that I feel, especially being on the other side of
it, Like I'm going to mentiona couple of things that are pretty heavy
and they may not be what youthe listener are capable of hearing. So
just no, it's it's it's gonnaget deep. But then we're going to
go into the next segment and itwon't be as emotional, no, but

(03:42):
it'll be Ikey. So it'll beIy. So like it's my entire life
and one it's like super emotion Ikeyand then like, Okay, we'll see
it later, hide it with thebow and send me on my way.
No. I mean I'm at apoint now where, like I'm obviously comfortable
sharing some things, and I thinkit's important to share my experience because one

(04:03):
of the things that we, Ifeel like we value ourselves on is being
true to who we are. Sowho we are on air, that's who
we are now. Sometimes we maytell jokes that I normally wouldn't tell,
or maybe might be a little bitmore in your face, because let's face
it, people don't want to hearus bitch and cry all the time.

(04:24):
They want to hear some of yourfun stuff in it. But like I've
been, I've been open that I'vehad a lot of like mental health issues.
I started seeing a therapist, Istarted seeing a psychiatrist. I had
went years with taking medication, gotpregnant, stopped taking it, had a

(04:44):
really bad case of post part andwent Charlotte, that's a whole other episode
in itself. Yeah, that weshould do that one. Yeah, Oh
yeah, for sure. I've goneback and forth with managing my mental health,
and so you know, I've mentionedit. I've had some childhood trauma,
I was diagnosed with PTFD, andI've been doing therapy and I thought

(05:05):
it was going really well. Wellit was you were doing psychotherapy, right,
yeah, And so really it wasreally intense, and this is ultimately
what I feel like led me towhere I ended up. I was so
focused on therapy. And now,don't get me wrong, the therapist was
wonderful. This is what I saidI wanted to work on, and that
was dealing with trauma, specifically childhoodtrauma. To get myself in a place

(05:30):
where I wasn't so triggered with thingsthat would happen with my kids, or
I would it be some fearful orhelicopter. Anyone that's experienced anything in their
childhood can relate. Once you becomea parent, you sometimes find little things
that like you project, you projectyour fears onto your children exactly. And
I didn't want to do that,and I was afraid I was going to

(05:51):
get progressively worse. So I wasdoing this and I was taking the medication.
The medication I wasn't I was takingwas free anxiety and depression, and
it was really working. But thenit wasn't working. And I hide blood
pressure, which is wonderful it's thirtyfour, not even thirty four, So
it was just not a good Likemy blood pressure was going really low.

(06:14):
So it was a matter of changingmedication. So I had a we and
off one medication starting new medication.I didn't give myself enough time, so
I essentially had two very you know, heavy doses of antidepressant anti anxiety medication
in my system. And I wasso focused on how to deal with trauma

(06:35):
in my past that I didn't knowhow to deal with how I was feeling
currently. I was not able tocope with emotions. I would get very
upset. I would get angry forno reason, and I was like,
why isn't this working? And Iwas going to therapy and like why am
I not feeling be or why isthis not working? And I truly got

(06:56):
to a point where like I andthis was again probably two or three months,
like Leah said, where I wasjust really struggling, Like I just
I wasn't myself. I didn't feelcomfortable in my own skin. And with
the medication, it got me toa point where I had very intrusive thoughts.
I at one point was like Idon't even know, Like I don't

(07:17):
want to be here. And thenI was like, well you if you
die, Like, what's going tohappen to your children? If you take
your own life, what are theygoing to do? Your children are then
going to have to deal with nothaving you as a parent. And it
was almost like I had two personalitiesgoing back and forth, like in my
head, like that angel and devil. It's so cliche, but it was

(07:38):
like the logical Amanda was like thisis not right, Like you don't you
don't really feel that way. Andthen the other side was like what else
are you gonna do? Like Iwas so depressed, so anxious, so
overwhelmed that again I couldn't manage myemotions at all. And it got to
a point where like I I didn'twant to die. I didn't want to

(08:05):
die, but I didn't know howto live and I'm gonna get through it.
And I didn't know I didn't knowhow to take that and fix it.
And I'm a fixer. I wantto fix everything. I want to
fix people, relationships, I wantto fix my table that has a wiggly

(08:30):
leg, like that's just who Iam. And I didn't know how to
fix myself. And the only waythat I knew to prevent myself from getting
to that point where again I didn'twant I didn't want to die, and
I was like, Okay, thisisn't me. I've never had any kind
of thought of harm or anything.Now I hate that I even have to

(08:52):
say this, but like I nevertried anything, but the thoughts were there,
and I just I didn't know whatto do. So the easiest thing
for me to do was say,I need to remove myself from everything,
because the longer than I put onthis face like everything is great and you
know, deny myself that emotion,it was making it worse for me.

(09:16):
It was making it really hard tocope. And then with the medication I
was going through withdrawal, Yeah,you were, you were definitely and which
there was a point of I wastexting Leah and I said said, I'm
really shaky, and I said like, I can't think very clearly and I
don't know why. And I waslike, it's almost like I'm with going

(09:39):
through withdrawal this medication, and itwas so hard to just stop, but
I had to stop take. Ijust stopped taking both because I was like
this, the interaction with each otherwas the reason why I had those thoughts
because again, I've so much togo on in my life that I probably

(10:01):
should have had those thoughts before,but you know, like you know,
I didn't, and I just needit to remove myself. And I hate
attention. I know that's really hardto believe. Miss narcissists. She cannot
fucking stand attention. I cannot standit. Like when it's playful and it's

(10:22):
like this, it's great, butlike when someone wants to emotionally connect with
me and emotionally like give me sympathyand empathy and compassion, I don't know
how the hell to handle that.You don't know, like I can smother
Leah with all the love and allthe affection that I could possibly get,
but she wants to do it forme, and she wants to be there

(10:43):
for me. And I'm like,hold the fuck up, yeah more,
which I get. Yeah, andthat's that's what I welcome back. Just
leave that in there. I justyeah, my children to go to bed,
because clearly parenting does not stop upwhen when you're dealing with it.
Um. So that's another huge aspectto this is you know, while she's

(11:11):
going through all this, she's doingit with three children, in her house
and and and her husband was thereand incredibly supportive. UM, but it
was it was hard for you too. There was can I can I say
what Charlotte said to you? Doyou mind? Yea? UM when when

(11:35):
she called me it was a fewdays after UM she had it was a
it was a Wednesday when she UMsaid I need time. And none of
us really knew exactly what was goingon, and we were worried. We
were all genuinely worried. Um Mountswas incredibly worried. Jeff was super worried.

(11:56):
I talked to Sturner on the phonefor an hour, UM because we
it's just not you to to dothat. It's it's not an Amanda thing
to miss teat. It's just notUM. But when I talked to Wags
later that week, I think itwas Sunday, and you told me that
Charlotte was following you around and waslike stuck to your hip and she said,

(12:20):
I need to take care of mymommy because her heart is broken and
I need to fix it. Andthat was like that resonnated with me so
much because your kids are so they'rebeautiful children. I don't like other people's
kids and I love yours and andCharlie has this this she's you. She's

(12:48):
a tiny little version of you,and she takes on other people's emotions.
And I think that was a bigpart with you is I'm going through a
lot, and you're going through psychoTherapy is hard for anyone that has not
done it. It is fucking hard, and it drudges up shit that you
don't even remember, don't really wantto deal with, but need to and

(13:11):
and then you have to. You'redealing with those emotions while going through your
your personal life. But you didthat with your kids, and I I
can't tell you how how brave Ithink that is that you were able to
to get up every morning and takecare of them. And I admire that

(13:33):
that you were able to do whatyou did. I really do. I'm
crying just so everybody knows. Wecan never put this out because we're both
just I knew that they would justslip right off my face and I ye
this conversation, and I think that'sthere was just so many things and I

(13:54):
there was like, you know,I started singing a therapist and um,
and again it wasn't because of therapy, as I had wasn't good, but
she was giving me coping skills todeal with how to process emotion from twenty
five years ago. Right, ButI didn't have the skills to process those

(14:16):
emotions with being a mom, astay at home mom and work from home
mom, like I didn't in themiddle of a fucking pandemic of right,
all other things like I can't goout and go have a couple of drinks
and any we can't do that,you know, that's that makes it harder.
Yeah, And I just it wasjust an accumulation of things and for

(14:37):
the first time in my life,I was like, you're done, Like
if you continue to put yourself insituations again. I love doing this,
I love everything that we do,but it's giving more of me than I'm
capable of doing. I'm I wasnot capable of giving anything else at that
point. I just not have itin me. And the last thing I

(15:01):
wanted to do was to show upand not be able to do what I've
always done. And I think,you know, especially when you're in a
situation like this where we're doing thisfor fun, like we have a lot
of things that we want to doin the future, but like this is
This is like therapy to me.This is something that I enjoy, this

(15:22):
is something I can call my own. And I'm proud of what we do,
and I'm proud of the other showsand the other amazing things that we're
doing and the people that we workwith. I just I could not give
any more of myself and I didn'twant to. For the first time,
I wanted to be selfish. Iwanted to say, you know what,
you don't want to be sitting heretaking a shower, thinking in ways that

(15:43):
you could possibly just not have towake up tomorrow, Like what would be
the best best way to not wakeup tomorrow? And I think that's not
me, that's not you, thatis not me. I don't want that.
And it was like, Okay,what am I going to do?
And I immediately went into and thisis like I was able to be on

(16:04):
produce an episode with Saris a whileback on the next defensial Ginger And there's
like these four different and we talkedabout it before, four different like the
fight like trauma responses and I was, yeah, seris if you know what
they are pop in and and yeah, I think I went through all four
of them. Let's see so there'sfight, flight, freeze and fawn and

(16:32):
fawn and what was the fawn?One fawn? That's what I do.
So it's um you uh yeah,exactly like you kind of like all skittish,
kind of deer in the headlights,like, oh, I'm just gonna
go along with whatever this is.Yeah. I have a tendency to both
flight and freeze. I do both. M Amanda is normally fight. Yeah,

(16:59):
And I think it's again, Ithink you were you had the wherewithal
to know that you needed to stepaway and and I said, this has
been happening for like two months,and I I apologize to you personally,
but I should have I should Iwish I had seen it coming more.

(17:22):
I wish I had said something toyou, because there was a change.
You were more irritable and more notwith me, not with me, and
not just little things were just andI just assumed it was just you,
you know, going through it,and I, um, I'll be more

(17:45):
aware now, you know, likenow I'll know, like and I think
that when you go through something likethis with someone, because I got a
text message from you that scared me. It did scare me, and it's
scared Jeff, and I will neverlet it get that far again. But

(18:10):
I also now know that you howyou need to deal in certain situations like
this, and I think it's sobrave of you. And I want to
thank you for sharing this with everyone, because everyone listening right now has gone
through something like this. They haveand if they haven't yet, they will,

(18:34):
and it's we're not honest about ourmental health. People just they hide
it. And I think it's sobrave of you to come forward and share
this, because that's look. Nobodywants to admit that they actually thought about

(18:56):
dying and thought the world world wouldbe better without them. And for the
work record, I don't I wouldjust have to jump off a bridge if
you ever did die, because Ican't do anything without Amanda. She picks
up my message everywhere I go andshe keeps me whole. I mean,
you do, and but I II also think it's brave that you were

(19:22):
able to reach out and you wereable to talk to your husband, and
you were able to talk to meand to Jeff a little bit and to
mounts a little bit. And nowthis, I think so many people would
just hide it and be like I'mfine, it's over. I'm back.
No big deal, and it isa big deal, but it does get
better. And your proof of that, and thank you for sharing that.

(19:49):
Oh, thank you for saying that. And you you don't have to apologize,
and I think that that's how you. I know you're genuine when you
say that, but you know,to lighten it up just a little bit.
I said to Leah, I understandhow emotionally overbearing I've been to you
in the past when you've been goingthrough things, because my thing is obviously

(20:12):
the fight. I want to justput my arms around you and I'm gonna
fix it. I'm gonna fix you. And sometimes you don't need to be
fixed, you just need to feeland that's really fucking hard to accept.
But then it's like we ended uphaving a new appreciation for each other because
you were like, you weren't talkingto me, and I wanted to know

(20:33):
how you were, and I waslike, I didn't know what to say.
I didn't want to tell you that. I was like feeling like my
walls were closing in because I didn'twant you to focus on me. And
you know that's why I've decided likeit's okay to want to better myself,
and it's okay to say not everythingis great, like I'm still going through

(20:53):
it. I'm probably gonna have todo therapy that for the rest of my
life. And I love therapy andI love the idea that there's someone who
is trained and has spent time wantingto give me clothing skills. Because I
can read on Google, I cantalk to friends, but you are never

(21:15):
truly honest with anyone until you havethe opportunity, at least in my opinion,
to go through therapy and then yousay, Okay, you know what,
I am comfortable sharing this. Iam comfortable saying that I've had these
thoughts or I felt so overwhelmed,and I've kind of just put in place
in my life like if I getto a point where i feel like I'm

(21:37):
not able to give the best ofme, I'm going to say I need
some time. And you know,I read an article just like a couple
of days ago. It's basically itsaid, like we need to stop calling
it an illness and we need tostart focusing on the wellness because there's not
a person that you're going to meetwho's never had a feeling of being anxious

(21:57):
or feeling depressed or not sure howto process their emotions. And some people
grow up and they have nothing thatis truly significant in the grand scheme of
things, like their life has beengreat, and you know, they might
be things along the way, butthey're not being abused, they're not being
hurt, they're not being pushed intosituations or scenarios that alter their entire life,

(22:22):
or they don't have parents who aresupportive of them and want to be
there for them. And it's Idon't want to put myself in a category
where my children look back and say, my mom wasn't really the nicest to
us, or my mom didn't giveus what I'm giving to my children.

(22:45):
And I didn't have a relationship withmy biological father for many reasons. And
I don't want to put my childrenever in a spot where they have to
a worry about is their mommy goingto be okay? Is their mommy suffering
from a brute and heart? Isthere mommy yelling at them because I don't
know any other way to get mymessage across, Or I don't want to

(23:07):
get out of bed, like I'mgoing to get out of bed to feed
you and to make sure diapers arechanged and people get off to school,
but that's all I could do.Yeah, but I also want them to
know like it's okay to struggle,and it's okay to feel insecure, and
it's okay to put yourself in aposition where it's really uncomfortable. I don't
like talking about my emotions. Iwill cry at the drop of the hat.

(23:29):
But if you really want to getto know me, I'm probably going
to be like, oh, areyou really sure? But like, like,
are you sure this is the routethat you want to take? And
I said this just even I don'tknow if it was on a tax stor
I was verbally, I said itthat I know sometimes I feel like I'm

(23:49):
a little crazy and a little chaotic, and it because I'm trying to process
all these new feelings that I'm havingand I'm allowing myself to express emotion.
Then I typically withhold and it almostseems a little manic, Like I see
a little manic right now. ButI've never felt so clear, like I
truly have never felt so clear inwhat I want to do with my life

(24:15):
personally when it comes to making sureI'm giving the very best of me to
the people that I love so Ican be there for them, and I
never want to put anyone in asituation where they have to worry about me.
But I am so thankful that thereare people who truly, truly want

(24:38):
to be there, and there arepeople that will show up when you're going
through things that you don't necessarily expectto be supportive of you, and there
are people that you expect to besupportive of you and don't take you serious.
And it's kind of like one ofthose. It sucks, but you're

(24:59):
also very thankful and you have alot of gratitude for allowing yourself to feel
everything you feel and put yourself inthat situation. And I'm just I'm a
work in progress, but I'm okaywith that. Like I'm okay with being
a work in progress. I don'tneed to be anything other than who I
am in this moment and five monthsfrom now, when I've done more therapy

(25:22):
and I've given myself time to decidewhat the health kind of medication I'm going
to take, because girlfriend definitely needssomething to stabilize the mood, and it
can't just be marijuana all the timelegally, But but I think at least
this point. You know, medicationis great. Pharmaceuticals are great. I

(25:42):
believe in science. I think it'swonderful. But talking to someone and understanding
why you feel the way that youfeel, and do you really need to
be taking something that's going to makeyou feel like a zombie or could you
take something that's just going to kindof help if you feel incredibly anxious or
give you those tools to say,Okay, you're having an anxiety attack,

(26:04):
you feel very panicky, these arethe things that you can do. And
just surround yourself with people that wantto be there for you and who maybe
even force themselves on you. Andthen emotional overbearance is what I've been like
to be. And you know peopleare going to hurt you and they're going

(26:27):
to make you feel really uncomfortable whenthey don't validate your feelings, but you
don't like I don't need that,And I really wanted that, like I
want it. As I was processingthings, I want it certain people to
be like, yeah, like I'mthere for you, Like I get it,
I'm supportive of you. What doyou need me to do? How

(26:48):
can I? I wanted them tobe me. I wanted them to be
me in a crisis that's not goingto happen. And I can't fault them
for not being that way, justlike I can't be upset that you would
be upset that I'm like, Leah, let me just fix everything. Talk
to me, let me put allthe pieces back together, because we're all
different and we all process things differently, and it's it's not over. I'm

(27:15):
not like the best state of mindright now that I've ever been, but
I'm open and I'm allowing myself tofeel what I need to feel, and
I'm not going to be ashamed aboutit. And I think that's that's so
important and you shouldn't be and andI think that you're going to be better

(27:37):
after all this, a better versionof your perfect self, because that's all
you're working on right now. Areally important part of this is the medication
you were on. Do you mindsaying what kind of medication you're on?
Yeah? I was. I wastaking luxA bro and pro in the path

(28:00):
I took it. Actually when Ihad postpartum depression. I had a very
similar situation happened last year when mymom died. They put me on pro
Zach and I literally couldn't get outof bed. I did not get to
the point where Amanda got. Butit was not helping. It helped for

(28:22):
a little while, and then itwas hurting, and then they put me
back on They put me on lexapro, and I felt very It made me
anxious, it made me nervous,it made me manic in a way,
and I went to my therapist.Then I now, now I just do
talk therapy and that's helping. I'mokay, some people really need medication,

(28:51):
but it is so important that ifyou are on medication that when you start
to get the feels like wags orI even got that, you contact your
doctor immediately. Don't don't try toyou know, we're taught at least our
generation. I think Cerise, youhad mentioned last week on the show that

(29:15):
therapy was a punishment almost to you, it was like a threat. Yeah,
and I think that that is anoutlook by my parents generation and probably
the generation after. And I wasmy mom was very into therapy. But
it's still like there's a stigma toit to talk about it, to have

(29:38):
the type of conversations we're having rightnow. People don't have those conversations,
and it's a reality for so manypeople. So when you do start to
have those thoughts or those feelings orwhatever, and if you aren't on medication,
it's help someone contact your doctor immediatelybecause it could very well just be

(30:00):
the medication. And I really thinkin Amanda's case, I mean, I
I talked to you while it wasstill in your system, for sure,
and there is a big difference inyou now than when you were on all
the mets. M oh you youyour voice was manic, it was shaky
or a little manic, it was. And I know that feeling. I

(30:23):
know that scattered, scary feeling.It almost feels like you're having an anxiety
attack while you're taking something that's helpingyou for the anxiety. And you know,
it says right on the warning side, the side effex for the medication.
Yeah, it says, you know, can call suicidal thoughts. But

(30:44):
you like, it's not going tohappen to me exactly. I'm just trying
to like have a little boost soI can get through my day and deal
with how I'm feeling. It's it'smine is obviously situational that happened as a
lot of people, but it's alsolike a chemicals. It's genetic, it's

(31:07):
in my body, it's in mychemical makeup. And some people are just
not able to produce the serotonin thatthey need. Or you know, if
you ever want to go down arabbit hole that does not involved cereal well
kind of does about serial killers,serial killers or anything really crazy. Just
go down and start reading about,you know, how your brain works when

(31:30):
you are going through a crisis,when you are in a state of being
manic. And just because you're ina state of manic doesn't mean you have
like a a actual diagnosis. Youcan get that mania from anything. And
mine was induced by the medication thatwas making me feel okay until it wasn't.

(31:52):
And then that's the scariest part.Yeah, and did you feel good
until you don't? And you can'tjust stop taking that because your brain ends
up depending on that medication. Andso that's why when you when you go
off of it, you have towean off of it. There is not,
at least in my experience. I'vehad a couple of different kinds.
You can't just stop taking it.You have to wean yourself off of it

(32:14):
because you end up doing more damage. And I probably caused that abrupt damage
to myself when I was like,fuck, this medication is still in my
system and I'm starting this one.But I when I'm at the point where
I'm like I don't even want tobe here, like how can I how
can I just stop this, Likeokay, I'm just gonna stop taking it.

(32:35):
And I called my doctor and Ia psychiatrist, like this is how
I'm feeling, and he suggested Ido some kind of like either I check
myself in or do some sort oflike intensive outpatient and I said, just
let me have a couple of days, because you know, I didn't want
to leave my kids, and Ifelt like I could. I would be

(32:58):
more motivated to fix myself or getto a point if I was able to
be with my children. And Inever had any thoughts of harming them,
and again I didn't. I didn'twant to hurt myself. I didn't want
to do that. I just didn'tknow how to live. And that was
like literally like you know, youpeople don't want those light bomb moments.

(33:20):
I felt like freaking led lights likeif there is a heaven, the heavens
opened up and I was like,okay, all right, this is logical
right, I can work with likeI can work with with this. So
I just encourage anyone who is goingthrough anything, like if you're able to
find yourself a therapist, if youknow obviously they're expensive. I'm actually paying

(33:45):
out a pocket for mine because it'scheaper than going through my insurance. And
I have really good insurance, butit's still really expensive to go through my
insurance. There are clinics, thereare organizations, and we'll put something.
I actually have a list to putwith at with the show descriptions of places
that you can reach out to.There's a crisis number, and then there's

(34:05):
a National Suicide Crisis and Prevention Hotlinewhich is one eight h two seven three
eight two five five you can callin text. I believe And if you
like I don't want to come upand be like I'm great, Like I
went through this, you're gonna beokay, because you're not. You're gonna
feel like a really shitty person.But there are people out there, and

(34:30):
if you feel like you don't havesomeone, talk to a stranger, like
talk to people that are trained tohelp and like reach out to us.
Yeah, like I said, I'ma little manic right now, But I'm
so much clearer than I've been inprobably years. And it took me essentially
having like a psychotic break to toget to that point. And it was

(34:54):
not a psychotic break you had.You may have had a little bit of
of a mental break, but itwas not a psychotic race insane. I
huff huff, very insane. Andit's just it's again there, I'm not

(35:14):
ready to talk about certain things.I feel like get shared a lot,
and I think for that and I'mthankful that I have this option to share
with anyone. And it's a scaryplace to be, but it's it's not
a permanent place, and it doesn'thave to be a permanent place. You

(35:36):
don't have to feel this way andfeeling upset or sad or like those are
all acceptable responses. And I thinkabove anything, we as a society just
need to understand that not everyone isgoing to wake up shooting rainbow with out
other assholes. You know, like, there are going to be days that

(35:59):
you wake up and your only goalis just to get through the day.
But if you get through the day, you're good. You got to get
up and do it the next day. You made it through that day,
What else can I accomplish? CanI fold that basket of laundry? Can
I take that shower? Can Igo to the grocery store? Can I
sit outside with my kids? Likelittle tiny things that I'm doing. And

(36:22):
I'm allowing myself to heal in myown way and in my own time.
And I'm just I'm thankful, andI realize not everyone has the support or
the you know, access to medicationand therapy as I do. And I'm

(36:42):
just very thankful. And um,I want to stop talking about my feelings
so I don't any more. Okay, then we will stop talking about your
feelings. Maybe like maybe like ina month, update you on mine.
We'll update you on the wankey's mentalhealth in a moment. Yeah, I
was gonna have you come back andplay immediately, play What's in the Wonky's

(37:05):
Teats, but I thought that mightbe a little bit appropriate for your first
day back. It would just beall the antidepressant if I'm not taking anymore,
just bottles, sures. Do youwant to add anything to this or
oh geezum, well, wags.You're so loved first of all, like

(37:27):
we love you, we miss you, we missed you, and I'm just
so glad that you had the selfawareness to pull yourself out and realize that
you needed help, because not everyonecan do that and that's huge. And
I'm just really glad that you're stillhere and that you're feeling better. Yeah,

(37:50):
that's perfectly sad. And if youare listening and you are feeling anything
like that, please go to oursocial media. We will post links and
UM therapists, UM check your network. There's there's there's different ways to get
help, even affordable ways. There'scounty there's county psychologists that you can see

(38:15):
for free. There are tons ofdifferent ways that you can get help.
So UM, and don't don't feelalone. Remember you're not alone. All
three of us sitting here right nowhaving this conversation have been through this,
so you are not alone. Andon that, we're going to take a
break and come back and talk toyou about Daddy's Oh you're right back,

(38:39):
Welcome back to Moms and Mayhem.So that was a heavy intro. It
was a beautiful, important, heavyintro to the show. Um, but
we're gonna lighten things up a littlebit here and we're going to talk.
I guess I don't even know whatyou would call this like, um,

(39:00):
let's see okay, So I'm justgonna get into those stories. So we
u through a party for Robin,and as we have discussed, we were
driving around in the car, andwhen we were driving around, Charie had
had mentioned that she asked her boyfriendif he mind if she came to the

(39:25):
party. We asked her kind ofshort notice. And you know, you
can tell the story because you're betterat that part of it. So like
you guys spent because it was yourstory. So like every Saturday, you
guys only see each other on weekends, right, yes, So he I
don't consider us long distance. Helives two two and a half hours away,

(39:45):
and so we only see each otheron the weekends, and Saturdays are
the only days that we both haveoff work. So I mean they are
kind of like our days, andespecially during COVID, Like it's not like
we're hanging out with a lot ofpeople. And I don't even know a
lot of people in Pennsylvania anyway,So I knew that he was going to

(40:05):
be coming down to my house thatweekend. And so when you guys asked,
I was like, oh, letme just run it by my boyfriend
and and I think I said,like, I think that's how I phrased
it. But when I approached Kyle, I was like, yeah, so
like the MAM's they're going to throwthis party for Robin and I'd like to

(40:28):
go because I've never met them inperson and it'd be fun. And he
was like, yeah, absolutely,no problem. I was like, okay,
I'll just tell them that you saidit was okay, and he was
like, you don't have to askmy permission, Like he's like, that's
not what this is, Like,you don't need my permission to go do
something. And I was like,no, I know that. I just
you're coming to my house to spendtime with me, and I didn't want

(40:51):
to go. I didn't want toleave without telling you, like that's rude.
But it just kind of became thisthis joke where um, I just
started saying like yes daddy, butshe says it like that, like very
seductively, Yeah, yes, yesdaddy, Yes daddy. And let me

(41:15):
just put a disclaimer here that,like, I totally understand that there are
people that that like that and itis part of your your sexuality and it's
fun and it's romantic and it's sexytotally get that. It is not part
of me and Kyle's sexual relationship atall, and that's why it's funny.

(41:38):
So he dropped me off because Iknew I wasn't going to be driving my
ass home. Um, so hedropped me off, and I made a
joke like, oh, like doyou want me home by one? I
am daddy, have the belt ready, daddy? Like it just it's and
now it's like continued and they'll getthe top your from saying he'll have you

(42:02):
stopped or do you keep saying it? Like, does it it bothers him?
Ready gets picked out? Doesn't?That's why I do it because I'm
that personnel. I'm that obnoxious personality. Like when I find out that something
annoys you, I'm like, great, I'll do it more exactly, So
full disclosure, I'm the same way. And as soon as she said it,

(42:22):
I was like, ding ding ding, I'm gonna start doing that.
That's hilarious. So I have takento calling him daddy every once in a
while, right, So yeah,and it's it's great because I'll do it
like during text messages, like they'llthey'll say something or something, I'll be

(42:42):
like, whatever you say, daddy. Yes, daddy, it's never sexual.
No, that's it's no if,But I want to say it in
a sexual way because I think thatwould be just I want to see what
would happen. Like I think itwould just totally be like can you imagine,
like you're in bed with Kyle,You're everything's be like how do you
want me? Daddy? Like wouldit just be like Okay, that's it,

(43:04):
I'm done, I'm getting up,I'm putting on my clothes, this
is over. He probably be like, ab But like, I love annoying
people that like I. That ismy goal. It is my my thing.
And as a matter of fact,when I was dating Jeff, that's
how the pooky thing started. Mygoal was to find the thing that creeps

(43:27):
them out. So that didn't work. It was an epic fail. It's
like the name of his fucking shownow. So so I was like,
well, fuck it, I wantto start calling him daddy now too,
and he gets totally weirded out.But like it's the funniest thing ever.
Like it's just it's the funniest thing. So like I want to know,

(43:49):
like, what are the other thingsthat you could say to like really,
like if you called Sean daddy.Would he be creeped out by that?
Yeah? Well, I mean,full disclaimer, I have daddy issue,
So I'm not trying daddy whether I'mjoking or I'm trying to get it on.
Um, I haven't met that pointyet in therapy. But I am
wanted to instigate a fight just formakeup sex, like I like, I

(44:14):
love so I will like just fuckup someone's day to be tossed around a
little extra hard at the end ofthe day. So they're I totally understand
that too. I get that.Yeah, like I'm I'm not a lover
or a fighter, like I justwant to fuck up your day and get

(44:37):
fucked making breakfast in the morning andwe'll we'll call it even. But is
there something that like a guy couldsay to you, like, I don't
think mommy would be Actually no,I think that would be so as it's
so creepy. So a long timeago, I had a friend. We

(45:01):
had some benefits. Okay, hewas into like weird ship. Yeah,
and I wasn't necessarily into what hewas into. Is this the guy you
pete on? No, this istotally different, weirdo, totally different.
I've had some questionable experiences. Um, but like he liked that. He

(45:27):
was like, oh dad, Iwas like, I don't really like,
I don't find that sexual at all, Like I don't want to I don't
want to do that. And hewas older than me, so I get
why he was like into that.But like he was like, oh,
he's like, you're just a hotlittle mommy. And I was like,
I didn't even have I was nineteen. Oh you didn't even have kids yet.

(45:49):
No, this is a guy thatI think I was a I think
I've had a sugar daddy. Sugardaddy whoa I was? I don't know.
I wouldn't necessarily call it that then, but I was nineteen and he
was. He was much older.This is the guy that I know now
was probably married, but I didn'tknow that. Oh yeah, yeah,

(46:13):
why don't he tracked? He traveleda lot. I was nineteen, Like
I just was like, hey,he's gonna get me alcohol and we're gonna
have really good sex, like right, I care responsibilities, But like I
was like, that's that's not reallylike cool to me. So he called
you mommy, and you like ahot little mommy, and I was like,

(46:36):
and he wanted you to call himdaddy. Yeah. He I was
like no. But then, butI was afraid he was gonna get me
pregnant. Like I was afraid,like we were using condoms because I wasn't
on birth control, and um,I was afraid he was going to like
poke a hole in it or somethingor so you would literally be a little

(46:59):
mommy, Like it was enough,had it going on. I had a
body that, like my boobs,I didn't have to tuck them into anything.
They were just there. They werehuge and glorious and everything, and
I didn't have to worry about likecellulite or stretch marks or like a food

(47:22):
pot. Like I had it goingon. I mean then, like you
know, you look back and you'relike, why did I hate myself for
much? Yes? Should have warnedthe bikini. Yes, I should have
not worn anything like I should havedone like everything naked. Yeah, I
should have like walked around naked twentyfour seven. And I was like so

(47:43):
like I was like the turtleneck girlat like nineteen, Like I was embarrassed
that my boobs were too small,like they were perky and they were like
you know up to my neck,you weren't you know, they were about
a handful. I was never bigchested, but like my stomach and died.
I was so thin, you knowwhat I mean. Like I was
like I was perfect and now I'mlike like, yeah you look back,

(48:07):
Yeah, well a different version ofperfection. Yeah. Well now I'm a
hot little mommy. I guess soI was like m and now especially like
having kids, like but I don't, I can't think of anything other than
like weird stuff like like that.But yeah, like sometimes like you,

(48:30):
like you're in the moment, andlike you you may say something like oh
why like why why did I saythat? Or why I shouldn't even share
this? But I'm not goad becauseI have something to share too. Ahead.
I just shared something that was likeI don't even know why I shared
in the first thing. That's sosurprised you made it this far. Dir

(48:52):
um. One time I was havingsex with my husband, my current husband,
and um, I just love sayingthat now her husband. I like
to keep people on their toes,all right, And you know, obviously
I've already just mentioned that sometimes Ijust like to do things just to make
a little spicier, little rougher.And something that I did made him think

(49:19):
that I wanted him to slap mein the face, and he slaughed at
me and it wasn't hard. Itwas just like that because I was like,
yeah, like yeah, like chokeme, like like just like really
in the moment, and he slappedme and I was like, why did
you He's like I thought that's whatyou wanted me to do. And I'm
like, oh, but he hadslapped me in the face, Like no,

(49:43):
I don't want that. Did it? Did it? Did it ruin
the mood? Or did you justkeep going? Because I like didn't know
and I like tried and I juststarted laughing. I'm so sorry, And
it wasn't hard, but like he'she's a big guy. Yeah, is
the entire like my face? Yeah, Like I would think a tap from

(50:06):
Sean would would like that would hurt, Like yeah, I would like why,
Like what of my body language insinuatedthat I wanted my body language situated?
So you're gonna just slap me inthe face. That's amazing. I
don't know what I would have donein that situation. But like I so

(50:30):
like, as we all know,I have my sexual hangups, right,
Like I can't say certain things outloud. I can't write, so but
like sometimes in the moment, likeI can say things and like right like
in the moment. So it waslike an in the moment situation and I
had it was via text, rightand I texted something. But then the

(50:52):
moment's over and the problem is thatyou can't un send the text and there's
that like pause of time because you'relike, you know, he's busy or
fell asleep or whatever. You haveno idea, but then like hours go
by and they like see it andyou're like there's that like Okay, I'm

(51:16):
not in this moment right now,and I want to jump out of the
highest window in my house right nowbecause I don't even know, like it
was. So like that's the otherproblem too, like the whole like year
long distance, right, So youprobably do do that? Do you do?
Like the sexy texting stuff? Meand Kyle, Yeah, we never

(51:39):
really have to be honest, andI don't really know. I like I
don't feel like we need to.I mean, I've done it in other
relationships. I don't feel like there'sokay, so you've done it before.
Yeah, like you just like wework opposite schedules, so I'm working while
he's at home, and he's working, well, I'm at home, so

(52:00):
it'd be kind of awkward because I'dbe like, yeah, I'm out selling
beer, like and he'd like sendme a dick pick, like do you
do? Do you know what Imean? Like it just doesn't match up
and be really awkward, Like whatam I to do with this dick pick?
I'm having like a meeting with acustomer exactly like I think on my
phone and show you my something onmy phone. Oh, here's our new

(52:23):
product. Oh whoops, thank you, daddy, Like could you imagine Cherie,
Poor Cherie. She's like, whydo you pulling me into your Shenanigan.
Cherie's like in the middle of likesome like really big deal with her
with her company, and I've takefour. Kyle sends her a dick pick

(52:49):
and She's like, hold on asecond, daddy, I'm working right now.
I promise I'll be a good littleslot when I get home. Yea
warm up the belt for me?Oh my god. For Kyle. I
hope Kyle, we love you.I hope you don't listen to this show.

(53:13):
Just gonna have to like randomly mailthis to him, like go to
CD just this welcome to the familygyle. This is what happens. But
I'd be curious to see, like, you know, it might be a
nice like little poll for our listeners, like about the whole daddy thing or

(53:34):
mommy thing, like, yeah,is there anything that name? I would
say that, like your partner cansay to you that, like you really
enjoy using that word or maybe aword that you hear and you're like like
what, yeah, like don't don'tdo that right right? Well? Like
like like Robin was talking on thedating episode, she was saying that she

(53:55):
hates like the the good morning gorgeousor stuff like that. I eat that
ship up with a spoon, likeyou two, I don't care. I
don't know what it is. Iguess I'm just like an ego maniac about
shit like that. But if you'regonna tell me, I'm pretty I am
going to I'm gonna do the wholelike stop then keep doing it so you'll

(54:19):
keep doing it more and tell mewhy I'm pretty Like I love that shit.
I love it. It's true.I say good morning gorgeous to her
every day. Stop it. She'slike, but how like, how do
you think I'm pretty specifically, Yeah, what about me make giddly uboner.

(54:42):
I do every we all do itwell. I only wear bandanas because Wags
told me I look pretty in themonce from all the time now and she
curls her hair because I'm like,you look like a step for and she's
like, this is my new look. This is what I knew. I
want Wags to want a scissor me. That's that is the only goal white
Horse media at this point. Andit turned into one like it was just

(55:07):
I didn't even think about saying thatin that moment during that and no you
didn't. The four episodes than shewas all these deep things and then she's
like, all right, piece outand we did the ending second I'm like,
like, I can't believe I saidthat I like scissoring women on this
episode. It was the way yousaid it. You were like, that

(55:30):
doesn't mean I'm gonna like want tolike scissor you and like you're pussy all
day, Like it was the wayyou said it. It was like it
was like that was it. Assoon as Jeff heard that, you were
done, Like this, the scissoringthing is never going away. It become
a company requirement, like nonsense toa dick Pick and then immediately show up

(55:52):
to my office and we scissor.That's what happens a company like that.
Well, Charice, now she gotthe she got the company Dick Picked from
Mounts, and then she got BiardYes, and then her like, definitely
a thing. When you're done,sister, and you're gonna need a snack,
I think so worked up. Likenow to my hype man, that's

(56:14):
what he is, all like goingwith this dick kay and then they come
to me and then when they're done, they're like, oh, I'm famished,
and he was like, I gotfood for yourself. You yeah,
yeah, I mean I thought Iwas an apost date before and then I
joined White Horse, and now you'rejust full fledged every sin in the world.

(56:37):
We we're gonna send you up realgood. Don't worry. I promise
they they won't even have you backsoon. We're gonna be bannedis for like
doing this Like you know what wethought about it, Charice, We really
were gonna like welcome me back intothe church worth media. And here's Exhibit

(56:59):
A B and C. Start withWhile you're not welcome back, you know
what's hilarious is there is a whiteHorse Media that's like an evangelical Christian,
which is the greatest thing. Ijust want us to get famous enough for
people to search for that group andfind us talking about scissoring and dick pis,
Like, that's all I want inmy life. It would just make

(57:22):
We're almost there. They're not veryactive because I check once in a while.
And even if someone said on YouTubewhen we did a video while back
and everyone got but heard about thingsthat we were saying, and they said,
oh, it's white Horse Media group. But I don't even think this
white Horse Media group wants to beassociated. We get now crezy religious white

(57:44):
Horse Media group. Now we don't. We're above them. Trust you all
right on that. We're gonna takea break, but go to our social
media page and let us know.Are you are you a Daddy fan or
are you thumbs down on Daddy likedoes it turn you on? Is it
ikey? Or are you like Shersand I and you're a child and that's

(58:05):
how you kindergarten we flirt with yourboyfriend? Is that? Let us know
and we'll be right back with theend of the show. Welcome back to
Moms and Mayhem. So we aregoing to have a different ending for you
today. We have a lot goingon at white Horse, a lot of

(58:29):
really exciting things, and we alsohave a lot going on with ourselves emotionally
and personally. So Amanda and Imade the choice together that we are going
to take a short break from theshow for the next two weeks. At

(58:53):
least you will get some content.I have some really funny outtakes and bloopers,
some lives put together, and thensome best of stuff that we can
that we were supposed to do duringChristmas that we didn't do because I'm Leah

(59:14):
and I forgot. So you willget it will pretty much be new content.
I mean some of it is behindthe scenes stuff that you never would
have heard, which is really funnyand good content. So we're gonna take

(59:37):
that break, and when we comeback, we're gonna have we may revamp
the show a little bit. Soyou're probably wondering why we're not doing the
ending segments here. We're probably gonnaleave them. I think definitely some of
them, but we just kind ofwant to, would you say, kind

(59:57):
of re envision the show. Whatdo you think legs, Yeah, I
think we just I mean it was. It was great coming back today and
I'm glad that we got We literallylaughed and cried in one episode, and
that is always my goal. Ialways want to make someone cry and make
someone laugh, and that happened.I cried and I laughed. But I
think we just kind of need sometime just to kind of get ourselves right

(01:00:22):
and figure out what's next for us, and in order to give the best
of us, we just need totake a little bit of time. So
it's not permanent, it's not goingto be for an extended period of time.
And like Leah said, there's alot of things that we want to
do and a lot of things thatwe have in motion to do. We
just need the time to do those. So it's kind of like the stars

(01:00:44):
have aligned and right, and hopefullywhen we do come back, we'll have
some like really exciting news like maybenot but maybe so who knows, Maybe
Lags will grow uterus and be pregnant. We don't know. I'm telling you,
I will do it. Give mea uterus and I will. We

(01:01:07):
will get some shit working. Okay, you will give me a blonde,
little curly haired baby, yes,I will. We will just do a
magic insertion a random sperm and we'llsee what comes out. I like that
plan, will raise it. Wewill truly not know the baby daddy,
but we will both be the mom. I really like that plan. We'll

(01:01:30):
live on a commune. It'll begreat. Yeah, I mean, this
is totally not the direction that we'veplanned to take the show. But here
we are. Sheres is in thebackground, probably like, oh my god,
stop. Molly had a big problemwith that for some reason. Oh
Molly doesn't want to live in thecommune. She's likely she's like, no

(01:01:52):
commune for me. What is yourdeal? So the next two weeks you'll
get best ofs and we will comeback better and bitchier than we were,
and it will be fabulous. Butthe other shows will be you know,
you could still hear Wags and Imp ip, and you'll still hear Wags

(01:02:15):
and I on teat Wags. Notso much. She's more in the background.
She's more just bossing us the fuckaround. It's truly what I enjoy
most Jeff Berg and Greg Stirner whatto do watching them fall in line?
Yeah, mounser he does because weall know he's madly in love with me,
so he does what I say anyway, Yes he does, and Leah

(01:02:37):
can't live without me, so shegoes along for the ride. So it's
beautiful disastrous magic. But what isthat? And you know, I think
that's it. It's weird not doingregular ending ending segments. Yeah, it
really is. You know what otherscome back? Would Yeah? That's the
would you rather? This week?You guys answer, would you rather Moms

(01:03:00):
and Mayhem come back? Or MAM'sMoms and Mayhem just stay the fuck away?
You tell us because we'll listen,maybe because if you say go the
fuck away, we won't listen.But we just want your praise because,
like I said, I eat thatkind of shit up. Um, Actually,
did you hear the would you rather? From last week? Really quick?

(01:03:21):
Did you hear that? Yes?And so what would you rather?
Would you rather be? Go onDoctor Phil and have your parenting torn apart,
or go on Wendy Williams and haveyour dirty laundry exposed? Oh I'm
totally going on Wendy Williams for thesame reason that you do. You want

(01:03:44):
to, um, but I wouldalso just absolutely love to just embarrass the
shit out of her like she doesother people. So you would expose her
laundry. I would come for hairlike she may punch me, but it
will be beautiful, So I againas usual. So there's your would your

(01:04:06):
rather? We got wags as wouldyour rather? From last week. That's
all that batters in life. Andcheck out our YouTube channel two because I
will have some time. That's theother thing we're gonna do. We have
a lot of backlogged video content thatwe need to get out and I just
don't have the time. So Iwill have the time over the next two

(01:04:28):
weeks, so start looking at that. We're gonna put out some YouTube videos.
We have a really cool intro comingfor our videos that Jeff taught me
how to make and it's super coaland I think you're gonna like it.
So check that out. And wemay even do some content like live content

(01:04:49):
stuff like that here and there overthe break. And definitely make sure you're
watching or listening to the Existential Gingerpodcast. Reese, do you want to
come and tell us what's going tobe on this Thursday? Let's see,
So this Thursday would be next Thursday. Yes, this Thursday would be next

(01:05:11):
Thursday. Oh, let's see.Oh, I think it's the episode that
you guys have been waiting for.Oh that's the next week. Sorry,
okay. So on April fifteenth,it's my conversation with Karen Walker. She
is a former Jehovah's Witness. She'salso yeah, yeah, it's my second

(01:05:32):
time having a Jehovah's Witness on soit's always interesting to see the parallels.
And she's also Mexican American. Andone of the things that I thought was
really interesting that she brought up washow the religion kind of like recolonized,
like she wasn't allowed to participate inher Mexican culture when she was a Jehovah's

(01:05:56):
Witness. Wow, that's interesting.Oh I'm excited for that one. That
one sounds I wouldn't see you don'teven think about these things, right,
Yeah, maybe that's being really ignorantin a sense, but like that's why
it shows, like yours are soimportant to anyone that just wants to like
open themselves up to just something different, because learn so much. And I

(01:06:21):
learned that sometimes I need to bea fawn and not fight because it's sae
nice day. Other day I learnedthat I like to fight, but only
sometimes. And and then the followingweek. Is that the episode that I
produced? Yes, that's um Stephand Katie. How I think is how

(01:06:44):
you say their last name? SoSteph was assigned mail at birth and they
sorry, they're x Mormon and nowthey Steph is transitioned, and it's just
such I mean, I can't Leah, you can explain like it's a beautiful

(01:07:05):
story. Yeah, married couple,they still have such a beautiful relationship.
And what's interesting is they're leaving thechurch had nothing to do with Steff's realization
of being transgender, which is superinteresting and it just kind of happened.

(01:07:27):
But it also I think to me, I got that there was like a
freedom there that step wouldn't have hadbefore. So be sure to check out
that episode of The Existential Ginger andmake sure you're listening to the rest of
the shows. I hope you enjoythe best doves that we have prepared for
you, and we'll see you intwo weeks. I choose violence by little

(01:07:53):
doves. You get on the dancepar let your head down, Let's have
some fun. Hey, you geton the dance far let's living life tonight.

(01:08:15):
Let's tape some fun

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