February 12, 2025 • 49 mins
We are joined by Brian Pitre as a mysterious wood elf, Tyson is left in the lurch and his hands tied.
Thanks for listening to this live play Dungeons and Dragons podcast. We are a group of professional comedians who love playing this game and you help every step of the way.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Previously on Monster Monster, our heroes discovered
the many ways that Ugrinch hasbeen making sure that they do
not lose this vote.
If the vote goes through, theywill secede and join Sol Deus in
the warfront, building tensionsamongst the city.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Hey everybody, welcome to Monster Monster, a
live play D&D podcast wherecomedians play your favorite
characters.
We play some D&D.
I'm Tyson Cox.
I'm playing Vance.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
Ironside.
It really felt like that was acomma.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
And you were going to keep going.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
Nope, my name is Tyler Waltz and I will be the DM
, and joining us for the firsttime, directly in front of me,
is Brian Petrie.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Hello.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
And Brian, welcome to the show.
Who are you playing?
Speaker 3 (00:45):
My name is Dolomir cedrin.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
I am a wood elf, rogue slash monk, monk ish it's
gonna get wrapped up into thestory since, uh, you were a bit
of a I don't want to say lastminute.
We've always wanted to have youon the show but circumstances
you're getting put in earlierthan we anticipated.
Yeah say, affirmative actiondoesn't work.
We left off with vance andfroland agreeing to handle the
(01:11):
guards that seem to be wranglingup a lot of the residents who
are voting to stay neutral inthis war.
Vance, we come back to you asyou are walking down this
alleyway with froland about toexecute your plan of him being a
general, bringing you in asessentially a prisoner to kind
of work your way through and aguard quickly approaches and he
(01:35):
goes.
What are you doing here?
Speaker 2 (01:41):
Well as you can tell and I turn to Frolin.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
And Frolin's just gone.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
Ah, the fuck, Just coming to check things out.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
Oh, so you're the general.
Yes, and I quickly take thehandcuffs off my body, Roll me a
deception check hey, 16.
And he got a 14, so you're goodto go.
Yeah and he goes.
Seems like you forgot aboutyour late night with the missus.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
Yeah, you know how we get down at the general's
headquarters.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
Yeah, Freaky style Also.
I don't think I've ever seenyou don't look like one of the
generals that I know who are you.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
That's exactly right.
I don't look like a generalthat you already know, because
then you would be expecting thisinspection.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
Well, by golly that's a good ass argument what a
convenient way to wrap up andget this story going.
Yep, um, and he starts to leadup and get this story going, and
he starts to lead you andyou're basically just seeing
more of what Zhang wasdescribing, where they're
clearly separating these peopleby people that can vote, people
that can't vote because they'retraveling or for whatever reason
.
Speaker 2 (02:58):
The whole time I'm just like barking orders, like
button that buckle and cleanthat shield.
Speaker 1 (03:06):
Hamming it up, Just hamming it up.
He's like it's also interestingthat you're not wearing any
Soldeus armor or gear.
You just look.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
It's dangerous out there for such a high-ranking
general as myself.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
Been on the north side of town.
I see yes that is true.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
Fancy's like what is happening.
Where did Frolin go?
Speaker 1 (03:31):
Your dialogue sounds like it was written by AI.
It was like pretend to be ageneral Buckle that shit.
Buckle that shoe, Clean thatshield.
And essentially you can see thatthey not their excuse to you
was that they were separatingpeople that were passing through
with people that lived in thistown so that they could get them
(03:51):
going it to the correct places.
But as part of the, thequestioning that you're kind of
hearing when you're walking byand you're you're hearing, like
the interrogations, you knowyou're noticing very leading
questions like how do you feelthat Sildeus has been in town?
And then, depending on howpeople are answering, the people
that live here are also gettingseparated into a couple of
groups.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
Okay, Are they reading from a paper?
Mm-hmm, okay.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
Yeah, they are reading from a clipboard with
set questions.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
I'm going to walk up and confidently take the
clipboard out of one of theirhands.
I'm like what?
Speaker 1 (04:25):
What is this?
You didn't get the new orders.
He turns and he goes.
What do you mean?
New orders?
Speaker 2 (04:29):
I throw the clipboard on the ground.
I'm like goddammit, what do youmean?
What do you mean?
Speaker 1 (04:35):
So just to save the listener's time, we're not going
to do the 30-minute.
Like what do you mean?
Speaker 2 (04:39):
What do you mean, yeah?
Speaker 1 (04:47):
what do you mean?
What do you mean?
What do you mean?
Um, and then he goes sir,you're going to have to explain
it to me.
Speaker 2 (04:50):
I can't just pretend to know orders, I don't know.
God get out of my face and Ijust point and I'm like just
very get you look over andyou're pointing at a wall.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
Damn it, you heard me , you're in time out.
The other guy that was leadingyou through was like this
general is on one right now.
He goes bill, come here, andthen he ushers him off just a
handcuffs.
Speaker 2 (05:16):
I'm just like remember flared bases are
important.
Speaker 1 (05:19):
This is the horny general.
This is crazy.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
Yeah.
So I just start just askingquestions that are like how do
you feel about the?
Speaker 1 (05:31):
two for 20 at Denny's .
I've never heard somebody havesleep apnea awake.
Speaker 2 (05:43):
It's a dwarven tradition.
Yeah, all right, god, you and Ijust start pointing at the
people coming.
Who's like Is there a reallyopie, oh boy, a real
nervous-looking guard anywhere?
Speaker 1 (05:53):
Oh yeah, For sure you come here.
He just gets pale, he justdoesn't say anything.
I need you to do me.
Speaker 2 (06:02):
New orders for you.
Speaker 3 (06:05):
All these people.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
And I point to the section of people that are
quarantined.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
Bring them to me.
Okay, I mean they're like sixfeet away, but that's fine Did.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
I say give me a stupid response.
I said bring them to me.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
All right, he opens the door and they all walk a
little bit closer Come here,follow me, come on.
Okay, and then, yeah, you leadthem.
Do you even know how to get?
Speaker 2 (06:34):
out.
No, okay, I pick a directionand confidently go.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
You know what, give me an over under High or low
Give me a low.
Ooh, you're a lucky dog.
Hey, You're able to make itback out and you're getting a
lot of very strange looks fromthe other higher ups.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
It's a sex thing.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
Don't worry about it.
The entire crowd just splits.
One guy goes and then everybodyjust scatters and all the
guards scatter with them, justsplits, one guy goes no, and
then everybody just scatters andall the guards scatter with
them to try and wrangle them up.
Yeah, that's what I like.
Yeah, way to what.
Speaker 2 (07:19):
The handcuffs really flavored this character's
character, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
It's like a new persona, unlocked.
Speaker 3 (07:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:33):
We hard cut to zhang, which was the wood elf that you
had discussed how to help withthe uh, with making sure that
this election was fair, and heapproaches very slowly another
wood elf and he puts his hand onthe shoulder and he goes, baron
, yeah, what's up?
He goes.
(07:53):
It's good to see you.
It's been.
It's been many years it has.
I can't say you look quite thesame, but but we've got to get
this job done.
Speaker 3 (08:07):
You know that's what I do I work, I work.
My life is my work.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
Yes, and he starts to fill you in very quickly about
what has happened the lastcouple days, explaining that the
reason that he was sent herewas to ensure that this election
is fair, because it seems thatSol Deus has been working behind
the scenes to make sure thatthey can get this strategic
point.
I believe you and this is thefirst you are hearing any of
(08:36):
this because you are not theright guy.
You are not.
No, this would be racist ifZang was also not a wood.
Like Like, like.
Speaker 3 (08:48):
Like.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
And he, just he completely Like spills the beans
and he goes, oh, really quickly.
You were supposed to have someInformation for me.
Speaker 3 (09:02):
Yeah, they, uh, they told me To tell you they're not
coming.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
Who you were my contact.
Speaker 3 (09:13):
That's all they told me.
To tell you is that they won'tbe able to make it.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
Give him a wink.
I'm just winking.
That was an uncomfortable wink.
Speaker 3 (09:25):
He looks at you so confidently that you think you
know what he's talking about.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
Yeah, give me a deception, so four.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
You just closed both eyes at him.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
Or like both eyes but one at a time, like some kind
of lizard frog, that fish fromthe Simpsons, you just close
both eyes at him.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
Or like both eyes, but one at a time.
Speaker 3 (09:42):
Yeah, like some kind of lizard frog, that fish from
the Simpsons.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
Well, the crazy thing is is he got a three on the die
, but he has a plus two.
Oh nice, so he goes.
I think I've made a gravemistake talking to you.
Speaker 3 (09:57):
No, there's no mistake talking to me.
Speaker 1 (09:59):
man, I don't believe you're barren.
Speaker 2 (10:05):
No, I can't have kids .
Speaker 3 (10:07):
How the hell did you get here Vance?
Speaker 1 (10:10):
But he goes, I, he goes.
I seem to have made A ratherlarge mistake and he goes.
How would you like to makeabout 30 gold, 30, huh, how much
were?
Speaker 3 (10:21):
you going to pay Baron 30, gold, 30,.
Huh, how much were you going topay Baron?
Speaker 1 (10:25):
I wasn't going to pay Baron.
This is hush money he's justvery honest 30 gold is how quiet
you want me to be, I'll bump itup to 50 if you help me with
what Baron was going to do.
Speaker 3 (10:39):
That sounds more like it, I could not talk for 50
gold and help me.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
Well, welcome to the alliance.
Can you shake hands and welcomeBrian Petrie?
What an introduction.
Speaker 3 (11:01):
And then he winks at you.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
And at about that time he ushers you over and you
are standing at what looks like,you know, like when you've
recently buried something andthe dirt is still pretty fresh.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
How often are you burying stuff?
Speaker 1 (11:20):
That doesn't matter.
That's not what we're here for.
You know what?
That's a dumb question to asksomebody.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
You're on a video game when the ground doesn't
look the same?
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
I've been playing a lot of Project.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
Zomboid lately.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
I bet there's a body down there, but clearly it's
just like some disturbed dirt.
And when he uncovers it,alright, disturbed dirt, just
like some disturbed dirt.
And when he uncovers it, so,and when he clears that it is,
(11:54):
it is a tunnel that leads intothe west side of the castle.
Okay, and he goes.
In a couple of hours, as theyare counting the votes, we are
going to go through here and weare going to ensure that
everything goes as smoothly aspossible, but until then, there
are a couple other things thatwe need to handle.
There is another person that Ihave brought in to help smooth
(12:17):
things out, and we're going togo get him.
His name is Vance.
You will meet him very shortly.
Things out, and we're going togo get him.
His name is vance, you willmeet him very shortly.
Um, and at about that time, youguys split off and meet up with
vance, who has just freed allof the people who were gathered
up by the guards by threateningthem with a sex act.
You gathered a big group ofpeople that didn't know what was
(12:38):
going on and said it's a sexthing you know what?
I, I don't blame them.
Yeah, I wouldn't stick around.
Did it work, though it did.
Speaker 3 (12:46):
It worked very well you just see uh, so if you ever
need a room to yourself just saythis is a sex, it's a sex thing
and then if people stick around, then you've got a different
problem to deal with.
Speaker 2 (12:57):
You've made a new friend.
Yeah, uh, you just see thisdwarf in like cleric garb or
like armor, you know like thering mail and stuff like that.
But he's just doing like a fast, like oh, what the fuck?
What the fuck what?
Speaker 3 (13:09):
just a quick like and then I see someone just run by
me, just a random person fromthe tavern screaming.
There's a horny little mantrying to touch everyone he's
wearing armor.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
Get away.
He's got handcuffs.
Go away.
Not my pee-pee, it's mayhem,people are screaming, it's a lot
.
Zhang just sees all thesepeople just scattering and then
sees Vance and he goes.
What did you do?
Speaker 2 (13:45):
everything according to plan yes and he goes.
Speaker 1 (13:48):
Yeah, I'm sure these people that are now scared for
their life are gonna be likebetter go vote real quick, I
mean yeah, I mean shut up hegoes either way.
They're free.
What's?
Speaker 2 (13:59):
what's the least horny activity you can do Vote.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
Eat Kellogg's cereal?
I believe Eat.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
Kellogg's cereal.
While standing in line to voiceyour opinion about government,
they saw a horny dwarf, and theywere like you know what?
Speaker 3 (14:11):
We're going to go vote.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
And that's it, my policies have changed.
Speaker 2 (14:25):
It's a regular ballot and a lot of write-ins of
fan-horny dwarves Just writtenin on it.
They try and draw a picture ofyou.
A picture of me and just saysEw.
Speaker 3 (14:38):
Y'all see the dwarves say yeah, yeah.
So Zhang looks and goes Ah,vance, this is Ew.
Y'all see?
Speaker 1 (14:41):
the dwarf say yeah, yeah.
But so Zang looks and goes Ah,vance, this is Well.
Actually I don't believe I gotyour name.
Speaker 3 (14:51):
Me.
Yeah, you didn't get my name?
Speaker 1 (14:55):
I didn't.
I called you Baron, thinkingthat you were somebody else, and
then come to find out youweren't.
But I don't believe I everasked you a name, I just bribed
you oh, you're right, you didn't.
That's crazy so I feel likeintroductions would be a good
thing if we're going to beworking together oh yeah, vance
is also.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
He's so small, so he's just like a child.
I'm just like alright.
Speaker 3 (15:25):
Vance.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
Dolan.
So you do give your real namenow.
Yeah, okay, I gotcha Dolan.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
Nice to meet you.
Speaker 3 (15:33):
Vance Yep Family name .
Speaker 2 (15:36):
Yeah, my family gave me that name.
Speaker 3 (15:40):
Yeah, Give me some first names.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
It's like Vince with an A it's powerful.
Speaker 1 (15:46):
Thank you, when are we going with this?
Speaker 2 (15:50):
Just getting to know each other.
I have a feeling that I have anew friend that I'm going to be
seeing for quite a while, yeah,consistently, consistently.
Two times a week at leastperhaps.
And I'll tell people about it,like every other wednesday.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
Okay, so it seems that you were able to free, uh,
the, the citizens that weregetting locked up.
We have secured a path into thecastle.
For the back end of things, wehave time for, for, basically,
one more way to try and get morepeople to not be as afraid.
What do you two gentlemen feellike doing?
(16:27):
We can either head to the northside of town, which I believe,
vance, you particularly knowbecause you met Estel.
Speaker 2 (16:32):
Yeah, I met Estel.
I've curried some favor up thatway.
Speaker 1 (16:35):
And then, or we could head back to the entrance of
town on the east side, where itseems to be the biggest support
for Sol Deus, and try and dosome work around there.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
So I learned if you just walk up to soldiers and
yell that you're in charge, theyare dumb as hell.
They will just let you leavewith a group of people.
Speaker 3 (16:55):
That's wild that you said they're dumb as hell.
That's awesome.
Speaking of, didn't you show mea hole earlier that he could
easily fit into?
Speaker 1 (17:06):
I mean, we could easily fit as well.
But yes, he would easily your Idon't even know if that's the
right word fit, yes, yeah, let'sput him in that hole.
Speaker 3 (17:13):
We'll put him in that hole in a few hours, let's calm
down, we gotta gotta get toknow each other a little bit.
According to what he was sayingearlier, he has no problem with
getting in a hole.
That was a panic decision.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
I don't actually fancy that kind of thing.
I panicked.
I didn't know what to do.
Speaker 1 (17:32):
Have you seen, froland?
We've all panicked andaccidentally Started an orgy,
started a threatened orgy.
It's a different attitude whenit's like we're all here.
Speaker 3 (17:48):
It was real panic at the discotheque, yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:51):
But he goes.
Where would you like to wrap upthings before we make sure that
everything is counted correctly?
Speaker 2 (17:59):
I mean I think like the North actually needs help
versus just getting taken out ofthe plan.
Speaker 3 (18:07):
You know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (18:08):
I think there's actually some good to be done up
North.
Speaker 3 (18:11):
Yeah, that's you said 50 goal.
Yes, he's getting wet.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
Don't worry about it.
Oh okay, this is an A to Bconversation.
Speaker 3 (18:23):
Fuck off you know what Good point?
It's way above your head.
Speaker 1 (18:29):
This is oh, it's because I'm small.
Nice, he gets it.
Speaker 3 (18:38):
I've never heard that one before.
I haven't heard that one beforethis has a very different
energy than the warms.
Speaker 2 (18:55):
Well, you good to walk.
Yeah, all right, I do got ahorse and carriage at the
stables, but we don't need thatuntil later.
He goes all right Justreminding the DM that that
exists and.
I want it still.
Speaker 1 (19:09):
Yep, all right, just because you want it doesn't mean
I will grant it.
He goes all right, you two headnorth.
I'm going to see what littlebit I can do on the east side.
So you two head northhangsplits and he says we shall meet
up in about three hours infront of the castle.
Um, as you head north, you veryquickly, you just head back to
(19:30):
the, the church that you saw onthe previous, and it seems like
estel is no longer taking careof the wounded.
They are all handled, nice, andyou don't see him at all like
he's just that would.
That probably would prevent mefrom seeing him helping wounded
it's one of those things whereyou went there and it's like,
(19:51):
okay, he's not helping thewounded, he must be inside.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
I got you, but when you go there he just seems to be
missing advance, walks around,starts looking around and was uh
, I'm just asking, like anyoneelse, any of their parishioners
or any of the wounded, like hey,have you seen that dragonborn,
you walk up to a nun and shegoes ah you must be talking
about Estel, yeah, yeah yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:15):
And then she just kind of looks down and she goes.
He told us not to worry, but afew guards showed up earlier and
escorted him off, so we're notquite sure where he is, but he
said no need to fear.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
Okay, well, he's good then.
We got nothing up here to do.
Speaker 3 (20:30):
Yeah, that's not what that sounds like.
Oh, no, and she goes.
Speaker 1 (20:33):
however, they were not Ugrange guards, they were
Soldeus, which the vote hasn'thappened yet, so they don't
really have jurisdiction aroundhere.
So it is a bit concerning.
Speaker 3 (20:44):
Which way did?
Speaker 1 (20:44):
they go.
She looks and she goes wellafter he left the church.
I'm not particularly sure.
I do know that there is anoutpost A bit west of here,
towards the castle.
Speaker 3 (20:58):
All right, hey Vince with an A.
Speaker 2 (21:02):
Yeah, yes, that is how names work.
Speaker 3 (21:06):
Yes, you said, a dude was dragonborn.
Speaker 2 (21:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (21:11):
You said Sildaris, soldiers came and got him.
Speaker 2 (21:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (21:15):
You think he's from there.
Speaker 2 (21:19):
Do I?
I honestly have not given itany thought.
Speaker 3 (21:22):
I mean, it didn't sound like he was taken against
his will.
Yeah, it sounded like they cameand collected him.
Speaker 2 (21:30):
Yeah, I don't think he's pro that, so I don't?
Speaker 1 (21:34):
Dragonborns are prominently from Soldeus.
That's where Brian's gettingthat from.
Oh, they're one of the primarythree species of Soldeus, that's
where Brian's getting that fromoh.
They're one of the primarythree species of Soldeus.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
I got you.
I just kind of was saying it,just because he's on the north
side and helping wounded and theguards.
Yeah, would I get the vibe thathe's pro or anti-Soldeus?
Speaker 1 (21:52):
When you talked to him he was basically completely
neutral as long as he washelping the wounded from the
bandit attacks recently.
That's why he is here.
Yeah, he is in Ugrange to helpwith the amount of bandit
attacks and healing I got you.
Speaker 2 (22:04):
Yeah, he might actually be from there.
But yeah, he sounds like he'snot in trouble, but I'd still
like to check it out.
Speaker 3 (22:12):
Did he leave anything behind?
Speaker 1 (22:14):
Like a note, perhaps he's like help.
Speaker 2 (22:17):
Oh, I was like it just says help.
He had Hep C.
He went to see a specialist.
He has Hepatitis C, I wouldimagine.
Speaker 1 (22:31):
She goes.
I mean his quarters.
He didn't take anything withhim, so everything would still
be where he sleeps and wherehe's staying.
Speaker 3 (22:41):
This is one of his best friends in the world.
You mind, if we dig around andsee if he left anything that
might clue us into why he mighthave gotten possibly arrested.
Speaker 1 (22:51):
Roll me a deception check 21 to insight.
Speaker 3 (22:56):
Yeah, we're best friends.
He's like oh shit Vance.
Oh that Vance, that's a five.
Oh shit Vance.
Oh that Vance, that's a five.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
Oh Vance, it's like Vance with an A ah she goes oh,
oh, I believe I saw you healingpeople out front yesterday,
correct?
Yep, that is 100% true.
It is 100% true because it wasin the episode.
Speaker 2 (23:16):
People can listen yeah, that's why I'm saying it's
100.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
True, you're saying it like you're lying, though,
which is very odd.
What, no, you're like yes, 100and I wink.
Speaker 2 (23:27):
I saw you.
What are you doing?
Real persuasion withdisadvantage there's a carbon
monoxide leak in Vance's room.
Speaker 1 (23:39):
It's real weird to see his helmet, but she gestures
and she goes.
You're more than welcome to see, because I also don't trust the
Saldan soldiers.
It's very odd circumstanceslately.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
Let's go touch his underwear.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
Well, they're friends .
Speaker 3 (23:59):
We just get there and he's like man.
Dragonborns leave a stain.
Speaker 2 (24:02):
Very blatant Door's still open, yeah.
Speaker 3 (24:15):
Just digging through his underwear Woo Whoa look at
these.
Speaker 1 (24:21):
So you make it into his room and you don't see
anything out of the ordinary.
You can tell that this isn'twhere he lives.
He was clearly just visitinghere but you do see a stack of
books on a desk.
You see a normal bed.
Nothing weird about that.
It's a very simple room with achest and some books on a desk
Cool yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:42):
I just kind of do a brief look around.
Speaker 3 (24:44):
Anything?
What kind of chest Fold up topor roll top desk?
Speaker 1 (24:49):
Like what you'd keep in front of the bed like a hope
chest Can.
I open that and see what's inthere.
It is locked.
Can I pick it?
Do you have a lock pick set?
I do Give me that sleight ofhand then While you're doing
that, 18 on the investigationAmongst the books you see a
journal that he's just kind ofbeen jotting in.
(25:12):
It actually says as of yesterdayhe's like I met this cool guy
named Vance I think we're goingto be good friends, I think
we're going to be pretty friendsIf nothing terrible happens to
me in the next 24 hours.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
He healed five people and then left immediately a
real mysterious cool guy I hopehe doesn't come back and touch
my underwear.
Speaker 1 (25:29):
He's a bit short for my taste.
At first I was like ugh dwarves, but he turned out to be kind
of cool.
Speaker 2 (25:35):
I've been leaving stains.
Speaker 3 (25:38):
Do you see any knives or weapons or just like letter
openers or anything around therewhile you're investigating?
Do you need a knife, justseeing if you got anything?
Speaker 1 (25:47):
I mean there would probably be a letter opener, but
that's about it.
Speaker 3 (25:49):
No weapons.
Speaker 2 (25:54):
I put my big mace down, for instance my big
warhammer down.
I pick up the tiny letteropener, this one.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
You're not friends with him, but in those books you
see a lot of not evennecessarily religious textbooks,
but a lot of local politics andhistory of the area.
He was trying to figure outwhat exactly was going on
Because, as you were readingthrough his journal, he also
seemed that something, eventhough he is from Soldeus,
(26:23):
doesn't seem right, Becausenothing about this is okay
according to tradition and rulesand their code of conduct.
All right, cool.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
He's a bit of a nerd, nailed it.
That's what I got out of it.
Speaker 1 (26:42):
We cut back over to what you see in the chest.
What was your or, I guess, whatwas your side of hand check 19.
Alright, you get it open andyou notice that the chest is
filled with a complete set ofSoldeus armor With an emblem on
it that is essentially.
(27:02):
I guess neither one of youwould naturally know.
So either one of you can giveme a history check?
Speaker 2 (27:10):
Ooh 19 on the die I'm rocking it oh this is my only
19s die.
Speaker 1 (27:14):
Yeah, it's less suspicious because it's not
natural.
20s I got a unnatural 21.
Speaker 3 (27:20):
Okay, can you get a natural 21?
Have you been rollingpercentile dice this whole time,
the whole time you?
Speaker 1 (27:28):
notice that the symbol on the armor is actually
from a essentially Sudeus'version of like Crusaders, where
they are very much like holysoldiers.
There's's like the town guard,there's the general like militia
and stuff.
But then when it comes to likethe religious section, there are
specific religious warriorsthat have never been outside of
(27:51):
the city walls because theymostly curtail inter-state like
problems interstate problems.
Speaker 2 (28:03):
And that's the symbol that's on the armor that is the
symbol that's on the armor.
Speaker 3 (28:08):
I think your boy was lying to you.
I don't think he was a monk ora cleric.
I think he was a.
Multiple things can be true.
Sure, that is true.
Both of those things were true.
He both healed and hurt peopleit looks like they're called
harmacists.
Speaker 1 (28:28):
That's not a paint on his armor.
Speaker 2 (28:30):
Never heard of a paladin, it's just healed and
hurt people, and Vance just getsa far-off look in his eyes.
Speaker 1 (28:36):
Yeah, helicopters CCR starts playing.
Speaker 3 (28:46):
I'm going to say we're going to take this to his
family, we're going to deliverhis armor to his family.
It's probably best that theyknow that he's been taken.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
He might need it.
Speaker 1 (28:57):
He might need it.
Well, we're not particularlyaware of any family that he has
in the city.
Do you mean back to Soldeus?
Speaker 3 (29:04):
Yeah, you wouldn't happen to have anybody.
You know that's going that way.
That way we could get there asquickly as possible.
Speaker 1 (29:11):
I mean there's convoys going in and out of the
city all the time.
I'm sure you could hit up oneof those.
Normally even the soldierroutes will take pedestrians if
they have the coin.
Speaker 2 (29:20):
I do have a horse in cart as well.
Maybe she says that, who knows,maybe that small child that got
yelled at earlier?
Speaker 3 (29:31):
was not to be trusted .
Speaker 2 (29:32):
You know the innocent small child that didn't do
anything.
Speaker 3 (29:38):
Yeah, let's go see what you got in that horse and
cart there.
Speaker 1 (29:45):
She stops you and she goes.
If you're taking this, thenyou're assuming he's not coming
back.
Speaker 3 (29:53):
No, no, no, not at all.
We just he may need it in orderto help him get back.
Yeah, okay, it's rough outthere.
Speaker 1 (30:01):
I will hold down the fort Our.
Speaker 2 (30:04):
Could you actually hold?
Speaker 1 (30:04):
down the church.
Okay, dickhead, like she justsinned.
Speaker 2 (30:11):
Like what.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
She goes, sinned Wow, she goes okay what you're
saying?
Yes, I can.
That's what I was doing beforeFather Estill got here, because
our priest hasn't returned fromhis journey up north to Curhill.
So the priest went up north aswell.
Our local priest here inUgrange had to travel north to
(30:32):
Kerr Hill, so, wait, the priestwent up north as well.
Our local priest here inUgrange had to travel north to
Kerr Hill and since he hadn'tbeen back, we requested
assistance from Soldeus, becausethat was the local area that
they were closest to us,essentially.
Which is kind of what kicked offthis whole thing about a week
ago.
Speaker 3 (30:51):
We'll check on that as well, and I give my new
friend Dolan a look of likeuh-oh, yeah.
Well, you said that convoys andthe soldiers take people up
north all the time.
Speaker 1 (31:03):
Well, yes, with this being so close to Soldeus and
Kerr Hill, we are a verystrategic point, would probably
be a good way to put it becausepeople traveling from Sildeus
will go up north because it'sthe closest port to any of these
border states, but also Ugrangehas a route.
We're like the Indiana you cango through us to get to a
(31:25):
different place.
That makes perfect sense.
Speaker 2 (31:27):
Yes, when is this fantasy land of Indiana?
Speaker 3 (31:31):
I'll show it to you.
Speaker 1 (31:33):
But yes, so north we have Kerr Hill and then we have
other cities to the east andsouth, so we are a very good
point to quickly get to whereyou need to go.
Speaker 3 (31:43):
Well, I appreciate it .
We're just going to take thiswhole chest if it's easier to
carry all this.
Speaker 1 (31:50):
Sure, yeah.
And then she looks at Van andvan she goes.
Since you were friends, I'massuming this will be okay.
Yeah, he's, he's a priest.
Speaker 2 (31:58):
When he gets back I'm sure he'll understand yeah,
we're just trying to make surehe gets back hey, vince with an
a grab those books, all right Iguess I take the books and throw
them right in the trunk as well.
Speaker 1 (32:10):
Letter opener she goes oh, all of his belongings.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
This is getting weirder Everything.
Speaker 3 (32:16):
Do you?
Speaker 2 (32:16):
want the bed sheets too.
Actually, yeah, I take the bedsheets, don't worry, because
this is a sex thing.
You got some stanky drawers.
Speaker 1 (32:26):
We recently heard of a warrant on the south side for
a guard that went rogue andthreatened an entire group of
people.
Speaker 2 (32:32):
It was a general, but that's fine.
Speaker 3 (32:35):
With a sex thing.
Speaker 1 (32:37):
So you gather up the armor and you gather up his
books, and then do you head out.
Speaker 2 (32:42):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (32:44):
As you head out, it's probably been about 30 minutes
to an hour, so in probablyanother hour or two is when
you're going to meet Zhang.
Do you want to investigate thatfort to the west or kind of
just wait to get into the castle?
Because, she doesn't know wherehe was taken.
That was kind of just her guess.
Speaker 2 (33:03):
Would we have time to investigate the fort to the
west before meeting Zhang?
Speaker 1 (33:06):
Depending on how things go.
How far away is your horse andbuggy?
Speaker 2 (33:10):
I don't know, it is on the opposite side of town, so
if we hustle we can do the fort.
Who runs the?
Speaker 3 (33:21):
fort.
Speaker 1 (33:22):
Who runs the fort.
There's not really anybody thatruns it.
It's been very odd latelybecause a lot of the Ugrange
outposts for defense have kindof just been co-opted by Soldeus
, so it's mostly just a lot ofSoldean grunts that are just
kind of hanging around makingsure that the town is safe.
I guess because of the banditattacks.
I still don't particularlyunderstand on our end why our
(33:45):
own guards are doing less andless.
Speaker 3 (33:47):
I say hey, general, let's make our way over to that
fort.
Let's see if I can fit.
Speaker 1 (33:53):
You're the sex criminal from the South.
Speaker 2 (33:55):
Yeah, we're going to go.
Speaker 1 (34:00):
No.
Speaker 3 (34:00):
I'm going to see if I can fit in this armor.
Speaker 2 (34:02):
If you can fit in the armor.
I mean, don't do it in front ofher, okay.
Speaker 1 (34:05):
So when you head out and you try and put on the armor
, it is much too big for you.
Essel is a dragonborn.
It's much bulkier.
So you got the height right,but it's much out.
Speaker 2 (34:15):
Just tell everyone you got a tapeworm.
Speaker 3 (34:19):
But it clearly doesn't fit.
Speaker 2 (34:21):
Correct.
It was my dad's armor.
Speaker 1 (34:24):
It's like wearing a shirt that's too big, so people
don't know you're as fat, butthey still know.
Speaker 3 (34:28):
So I'm going to put it back in the case and we'll
just walk with it and see, I gotan idea, though.
Speaker 1 (34:35):
Are you meeting up with Zhang or are you heading to
that outpost?
Speaker 3 (34:39):
I say we go, meet up with Zhang and let him know what
we want to do.
That works.
Speaker 1 (34:44):
You get back, you wait about an hour and Zhang
returns.
He goes.
Gentlemen, did you figureanything out?
How was it up?
Speaker 2 (34:54):
north.
Interesting the priest Estel,he got, I wouldn't say taken
perhaps, but he's with theSolderans, I believe.
Speaker 3 (35:08):
Yeah, and also, your boy ain't no priest.
And I just kick open the chestand show him that there's armor
in there with the symbol on it.
I'll fold it up.
Speaker 2 (35:17):
Very dramatic.
I mean, he could also stillalso be a priest.
They are religious soldiers.
Speaker 3 (35:23):
Two things can be true again yeah, he's not
baptizing babies.
Speaker 2 (35:27):
No.
He's baptizing things.
Vance just says to himself God,that was such a cool move.
Speaker 1 (35:33):
I'm gonna have to step my shit up.
And Zhang I almost said EstelZhang goes.
Oh, it's interesting that youfound this.
Estel has actually been workingRelatively close to us.
You're seeing an unfortunateremnant of his past that he's
(35:56):
trying to get through, but I canassure you that his heart is in
the right place now.
However, it is concerning thatthe Saldans gathered him up,
because that means they eitherneed him for something or they
have discovered something abouthim yeah, I take it that if they
(36:19):
needed him, he would probablyhave wanted to bring his armor
that is a very solid point.
Yeah, it may be best for us ifwe head into the castle to see
how the count is going.
Speaker 3 (36:30):
Yeah, but there's some stirring at the fort.
How desperate are you to get inthis castle?
Speaker 1 (36:38):
If you guys want to handle the fort, I can head into
the castle the way that I seeit.
Once they finalize the vote.
There's nothing we can do aboutit, but until then we can make
sure that at least it's going asit should, as it's planned.
Speaker 3 (36:51):
I got a feeling this vote's going as it should, as
it's planned.
Hmm, I got a feeling thisvote's going to happen
regardless of what we do.
Speaker 2 (37:00):
Yeah, the vote is happening.
Speaker 3 (37:03):
I mean worst case scenario we get ourselves
arrested and this armor doesn'tfit, so I ain't fighting my way
out.
I got an idea though, yeah,armor doesn't fit, so I ain't
fighting my way out.
I got an idea though, yeah, Ithink we can get in that uh that
fort without, uh your sexualescapades holding us down again.
Speaker 2 (37:20):
I got too deep in the character, I panicked yeah, I
say, we take this chest overthere and also, hey, I think at
least two people in that crowdwere like dude.
This could be fun.
I'm just saying it wasn't acomplete wash, yeah that one guy
was stuck in his cell.
Speaker 3 (37:36):
Didn't like him.
Speaker 1 (37:38):
Didn't like his vibe the one guy that stuck around
his shirt was lifted.
He was scratching his gut.
He's like thank you, we can dothat.
We'll hang out and see what'sgoing on.
Speaker 3 (37:49):
Other dude was just eating cheese.
Speaker 1 (37:53):
He didn't know what was going on and like you, could
hear him eating it.
It's like real mushy.
Because it's like old, theydidn't have it in the fridge.
Speaker 3 (38:02):
It's never the one.
It was bar cheese, it was oldtavern cheese.
I regret so many decisionstoday this episode brought to
you by old tavern cheese.
Old tavern cheese, old TavernCheese.
Speaker 2 (38:13):
Got a shit today and tomorrow?
No, you don't.
Too bad, you're going to haveto, but you can't.
Speaker 1 (38:21):
So you would like me to head into the castle and you
two are taking the fort or we'relooking at the fort later.
Speaker 3 (38:27):
You really think you can stop this?
Speaker 1 (38:28):
vote.
No, I'm not trying to stop it.
I'm just assuring that, whenthings are counted, uh, that
they are making it to theircorrect destination.
I'm more keeping the path onthe way that it should.
I think we've done a lot ofgood when it comes to releasing
people that they were separatingspecifically for this vote, but
there's always things on theback end, depending on who's
(38:49):
watching yeah, no, I think we'regonna go to the fort.
Speaker 3 (38:54):
I think you got this okay, I'm believing you cool.
Yeah, we start heading towardsthe fort all right, he goes.
Speaker 1 (39:04):
I uh, all right, you guys we're probably like 40
minutes right now, cool right on, and we normally cut around 45.
45, yeah, okay, he goes.
Okay, yes, I will handle whatis inside the fort and you two
gentlemen, or sorry, I'm agentleman yeah.
He goes.
Oh yes, I will handle what'sinside the castle.
(39:24):
I will make sure that whateverhappens, I'll subvert it as best
I can, depending on what I see,and I guess we'll just meet up
later and you can fill me in onEssel and that fort.
Speaker 2 (39:37):
Sounds good to me Sounds like a plan.
Speaker 3 (39:40):
I ain't going to forget about our deal.
You still ain't paid me.
Speaker 1 (39:46):
Oh, you're correct.
Then he hands you the bag of 50gold.
I normally wait until the end,but given the circumstances I'm
not quite sure when things willcalm down enough for us to meet
up again.
So he heads in.
Speaker 3 (40:00):
When he hands me the gold, I want him to hand it
directly over Vance's head.
Speaker 1 (40:06):
One coin at a time One.
Speaker 3 (40:10):
I told you this was over your head.
Speaker 2 (40:11):
Two I was just doing this to be a good person.
I could have benefitedfinancially.
This is crazy.
Speaker 1 (40:21):
And then you head to the north of the town to that
fort.
I said that really clunky andin pieces, I don't know why.
Speaker 3 (40:32):
I am stuck, help, help me help please.
Speaker 1 (40:37):
So yeah, yeah, cut the cameras.
This is bad seriously, I'mhaving a stroke that was where
the brain was working fasterthan the mouth you know, um, but
zhang goes.
(40:57):
Ah and gentlemen, truly thankyou for that help.
I hope to see you again soonand he nods and heads into the
castle.
As you guys are heading towardsthe fort to the north, you
start to notice that actuallygive me perception.
Checks, both of you, mmm.
(41:18):
Well, five Mmm, that was thehighest amongst you two.
Speaker 3 (41:22):
Six, oh, okay, you head south.
Speaker 2 (41:25):
Like oh, we messed this up.
Oh shit, soggy eat neverwaffles yeah.
Speaker 1 (41:30):
So, yeah, you guys don't really notice anything,
but there does seem to be quitethe ruckus.
You can't quite determine whatit is, but it is very loud, and
the closer you get, the morethat you notice that.
You see a few tents that havenow Saldan emblems already on
them, and both of you give meinsight checks now soldan
(41:52):
emblems already on them and bothof you give me insight checks
19 okay, hey, and 19 on the dieoh okay, that's a lot of 19s
today
Speaker 3 (42:05):
it's 19s and 3s for us.
Speaker 1 (42:06):
Yeah, yeah yeah, nothing in the middle.
Um, you notice that it almostseems like they're preemptively
celebrating, Like the Suleymansoldiers are already like
drinking and carrying on andhaving a good old time.
A lot of the tents have beenreplaced with like these
makeshift structures that haveSuleyman symbols on them, but
(42:27):
they're literally starting thevote count soon.
They haven't even startedcounting votes yet, but right
now they haven't noticed you andyou just see them around the
campfire and the makeshiftstructures and the goings-on of
the normal fort.
Speaker 3 (42:47):
Can we make out the soldiers?
Can we see what they look likeor who they are?
Because they're not alldragonborn right, Correct?
No, no, no.
Speaker 1 (42:57):
It's a mix of a bunch and you don't see Essel
anywhere.
All the soldiers, they're noteven battle ready.
It's like hey, it's the end ofthe day, we're not on shift,
they're just in their makeshiftarmor and they're like fatigue,
fatigues, whatever that would betheir under armor, and just
like they've already done theirjob, like it's Okay.
Speaker 3 (43:20):
And we take off running up there screaming they
took him.
Speaker 2 (43:35):
But then they left his armor.
Speaker 3 (43:38):
They took him.
They can argue about it or theycan go figure out who took who.
But we got armor and no body.
Speaker 2 (43:45):
Oh, we just take a symbol, we don't need the whole
armor, ditch it Just a piece.
Speaker 3 (43:49):
Yeah, we just like yeah.
Speaker 2 (43:51):
Just the breastplate.
No, no, no, we can't, becauselike if they took him like part
of his armor could have come offin a struggle, but like it's
weird to have a whole chest, youknow, a glove, yeah something
with a symbol on it.
Speaker 3 (44:06):
Okay, off the armor, all right, we'll just say they
took them.
All right, let's do it Allright here.
Speaker 1 (44:12):
I gave it to him.
Okay, so that's the plan.
Speaker 2 (44:16):
The last time I spoke , I accidentally started a sex
crime, so I'm going to sit thisone out.
Speaker 3 (44:23):
So I take the piece and I'm like, yeah, you're right
, that's probably a better idea.
Where do we put this armor?
Because?
A better idea, where do we putthis armor?
Because we can't have themstumbling across it and finding
it.
Speaker 1 (44:33):
I look around to the tree or bush or something.
Not really because you're inthe middle of a town, but you
could maybe find an alleyway totry and Find an alley, stick it
behind a dumpster.
Some homeless guy's like oh boy, some armor.
Speaker 3 (44:45):
He just woo, woo, woo , woo and he runs off with it.
What all did the armor havewith it?
Was it just platelets, feet,chest?
What all was there?
Speaker 1 (44:53):
it was mostly chain mail with like a plate chest
piece, okay, yep.
And then a makeshift helmetthat went down the nose, uh.
And then just around the backto flare out into the chest
piece, okay yeah, let's justhalf full.
I think it's technically whatit is in the like dmg half plate
, half full.
Speaker 2 (45:11):
No, I haven't had breakfast yet yeah, half full
yeah.
Speaker 3 (45:14):
I'm with that.
Let's dish this armor back here.
And then I say we run in, wetell them they took him.
When they ask who, we tell themwe don't know.
We were just talking to him andsome dudes ran up and snatched
him yeah nice, nice.
And then we tell them I don'tknow where they're taking him to
, but it seems serious.
Yeah, and we see how they react, because I mean, if we walk in
(45:38):
not knowing anything to talkabout, they're just going to ask
us who we are.
Yeah, and the whole sex storywill have to come up.
Speaker 2 (45:46):
Well, I mean, hang on , I've been working on this, so
it's not a sex thing.
I go.
How about them bug bears?
Yeah, we're not gonna do that.
Speaker 1 (45:52):
The local sports team the bug bears bug bears one of
the guards goes oh my god, it'sthe guy that's been molesting
bug bears out in the woods, he'sthat crime that's been existing
for years I thought it was anurban legend, but he's real.
Speaker 3 (46:09):
All right, we won't do that that'll be a one-off bit
.
Speaker 1 (46:10):
we're not gonna make you an international.
I thought it was an urbanlegend, but he's real.
Yeah, no, all right, we won'tdo that.
That'll be a one-off bit.
We're not going to make you aninternational sex criminal,
please not.
I say you run in screaming help.
Speaker 3 (46:21):
I run in behind you screaming.
They took him Cool.
All right when you get in asyou're screaming, help look
around and see if you see yourbuddy.
You'll recognize him before Iwill.
Speaker 1 (46:30):
Yeah, sounds like a plan, okay so.
Speaker 2 (46:35):
Vance you run in.
I'm adorning little legs.
Speaker 1 (46:38):
It's like four feet you guys were outside the door.
Speaker 3 (46:41):
Yeah, we got to pretend like we're running, you
know.
Speaker 2 (46:44):
Yeah.
Oh my God, they took him,mm-hmm.
Speaker 1 (46:57):
So as soon as you run in and break not break, but run
through the entrance, theguards that are already drinking
around the fire like stumbleand they're, they're like
reaching for their sword, butthey kind of forgot that they
don't really have anything onthem, so they're just like tent,
they tense up and they go.
What help?
What is going on?
And I'm assuming that's aboutthe time that you turn the
corner.
He just never comes.
Speaker 2 (47:16):
Yeah, that would be oh God.
Speaker 3 (47:22):
I'm selling the emblem to somebody in the street
.
Speaker 1 (47:24):
First frozen.
Speaker 2 (47:27):
No one become my friend.
You will disappear if I quitlooking at you.
I know I've been giddily hurt.
Speaker 1 (47:34):
I'm talking to somebody like no, no, no, I got
the rest of it over there thisepisode is going to end with
Vance looking at a snow globe inthe hospital and then I'm
assuming you come running aroundthe corner.
Speaker 3 (47:48):
Oh, thank God, we found this.
We found this.
The Zali dropped and he said tohelp.
He screamed help.
Speaker 1 (47:56):
And at about that time you hear a very deep voice
from one of the makeshiftstructures who the hell are you
talking about?
And at about that time the doorkicks open to a huge orc that
is pulling behind him inhandcuffs, essel, and pushes him
(48:18):
in front and kicks him to theground and he is bloodied and
bruised.
And that is where we are endingthis episode.
Ah, ah man Well.
Ah man well.
(48:38):
Uh, thank you for watching.
Monster monsters are listeningon the podcast formats.
My name has been.
Speaker 2 (48:41):
I always say has been like it's changing, we changed
it yeah, uh, my name is tylerwaltz.
Speaker 1 (48:44):
I've been your dm and we'll just start with.
Start with the newcomer yeah,I'm brian petrie.
Speaker 3 (48:49):
You can find me all the things at brian petrie
comedy.
I should look at one of thesecameras, give it a wink and then
give that one a wink.
Oh, two eyes, two winks and Iam tyson cox.
Speaker 2 (49:01):
You can find me at tyson cox comedy.
Thank you for listening.
If you enjoyed this, pleasetell a friend.
We're growing rapidly andthat's all.
Thanks to you guys.
We don't do any ads or anythinglike that, so it's all word of
mouth currently.
So I just want to thank you allfor listening and thanks for
the support.
You guys are beautiful.
Speaker 1 (49:16):
All of you.
Yeah, Thank you so much andstay tuned for our upcoming
shows.
Previously on Monster Monster, our heroes discovered
the many ways that Ugrinch hasbeen making sure that they do
not lose this vote.
If the vote goes through, theywill secede and join Sol Deus in
the warfront, building tensionsamongst the city.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Hey everybody, welcome to Monster Monster, a
live play D&D podcast wherecomedians play your favorite
characters.
We play some D&D.
I'm Tyson Cox.
I'm playing Vance.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
Ironside.
It really felt like that was acomma.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
And you were going to keep going.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
Nope, my name is Tyler Waltz and I will be the DM
, and joining us for the firsttime, directly in front of me,
is Brian Petrie.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Hello.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
And Brian, welcome to the show.
Who are you playing?
Speaker 3 (00:45):
My name is Dolomir cedrin.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
I am a wood elf, rogue slash monk, monk ish it's
gonna get wrapped up into thestory since, uh, you were a bit
of a I don't want to say lastminute.
We've always wanted to have youon the show but circumstances
you're getting put in earlierthan we anticipated.
Yeah say, affirmative actiondoesn't work.
We left off with vance andfroland agreeing to handle the
(01:11):
guards that seem to be wranglingup a lot of the residents who
are voting to stay neutral inthis war.
Vance, we come back to you asyou are walking down this
alleyway with froland about toexecute your plan of him being a
general, bringing you in asessentially a prisoner to kind
of work your way through and aguard quickly approaches and he
(01:35):
goes.
What are you doing here?
Speaker 2 (01:41):
Well as you can tell and I turn to Frolin.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
And Frolin's just gone.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
Ah, the fuck, Just coming to check things out.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
Oh, so you're the general.
Yes, and I quickly take thehandcuffs off my body, Roll me a
deception check hey, 16.
And he got a 14, so you're goodto go.
Yeah and he goes.
Seems like you forgot aboutyour late night with the missus.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
Yeah, you know how we get down at the general's
headquarters.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
Yeah, Freaky style Also.
I don't think I've ever seenyou don't look like one of the
generals that I know who are you.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
That's exactly right.
I don't look like a generalthat you already know, because
then you would be expecting thisinspection.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
Well, by golly that's a good ass argument what a
convenient way to wrap up andget this story going.
Yep, um, and he starts to leadup and get this story going, and
he starts to lead you andyou're basically just seeing
more of what Zhang wasdescribing, where they're
clearly separating these peopleby people that can vote, people
that can't vote because they'retraveling or for whatever reason
.
Speaker 2 (02:58):
The whole time I'm just like barking orders, like
button that buckle and cleanthat shield.
Speaker 1 (03:06):
Hamming it up, Just hamming it up.
He's like it's also interestingthat you're not wearing any
Soldeus armor or gear.
You just look.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
It's dangerous out there for such a high-ranking
general as myself.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
Been on the north side of town.
I see yes that is true.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
Fancy's like what is happening.
Where did Frolin go?
Speaker 1 (03:31):
Your dialogue sounds like it was written by AI.
It was like pretend to be ageneral Buckle that shit.
Buckle that shoe, Clean thatshield.
And essentially you can see thatthey not their excuse to you
was that they were separatingpeople that were passing through
with people that lived in thistown so that they could get them
(03:51):
going it to the correct places.
But as part of the, thequestioning that you're kind of
hearing when you're walking byand you're you're hearing, like
the interrogations, you knowyou're noticing very leading
questions like how do you feelthat Sildeus has been in town?
And then, depending on howpeople are answering, the people
that live here are also gettingseparated into a couple of
groups.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
Okay, Are they reading from a paper?
Mm-hmm, okay.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
Yeah, they are reading from a clipboard with
set questions.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
I'm going to walk up and confidently take the
clipboard out of one of theirhands.
I'm like what?
Speaker 1 (04:25):
What is this?
You didn't get the new orders.
He turns and he goes.
What do you mean?
New orders?
Speaker 2 (04:29):
I throw the clipboard on the ground.
I'm like goddammit, what do youmean?
What do you mean?
Speaker 1 (04:35):
So just to save the listener's time, we're not going
to do the 30-minute.
Like what do you mean?
Speaker 2 (04:39):
What do you mean, yeah?
Speaker 1 (04:47):
what do you mean?
What do you mean?
What do you mean?
Um, and then he goes sir,you're going to have to explain
it to me.
Speaker 2 (04:50):
I can't just pretend to know orders, I don't know.
God get out of my face and Ijust point and I'm like just
very get you look over andyou're pointing at a wall.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
Damn it, you heard me , you're in time out.
The other guy that was leadingyou through was like this
general is on one right now.
He goes bill, come here, andthen he ushers him off just a
handcuffs.
Speaker 2 (05:16):
I'm just like remember flared bases are
important.
Speaker 1 (05:19):
This is the horny general.
This is crazy.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
Yeah.
So I just start just askingquestions that are like how do
you feel about the?
Speaker 1 (05:31):
two for 20 at Denny's .
I've never heard somebody havesleep apnea awake.
Speaker 2 (05:43):
It's a dwarven tradition.
Yeah, all right, god, you and Ijust start pointing at the
people coming.
Who's like Is there a reallyopie, oh boy, a real
nervous-looking guard anywhere?
Speaker 1 (05:53):
Oh yeah, For sure you come here.
He just gets pale, he justdoesn't say anything.
I need you to do me.
Speaker 2 (06:02):
New orders for you.
Speaker 3 (06:05):
All these people.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
And I point to the section of people that are
quarantined.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
Bring them to me.
Okay, I mean they're like sixfeet away, but that's fine Did.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
I say give me a stupid response.
I said bring them to me.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
All right, he opens the door and they all walk a
little bit closer Come here,follow me, come on.
Okay, and then, yeah, you leadthem.
Do you even know how to get?
Speaker 2 (06:34):
out.
No, okay, I pick a directionand confidently go.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
You know what, give me an over under High or low
Give me a low.
Ooh, you're a lucky dog.
Hey, You're able to make itback out and you're getting a
lot of very strange looks fromthe other higher ups.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
It's a sex thing.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
Don't worry about it.
The entire crowd just splits.
One guy goes and then everybodyjust scatters and all the
guards scatter with them, justsplits, one guy goes no, and
then everybody just scatters andall the guards scatter with
them to try and wrangle them up.
Yeah, that's what I like.
Yeah, way to what.
Speaker 2 (07:19):
The handcuffs really flavored this character's
character, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
It's like a new persona, unlocked.
Speaker 3 (07:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:33):
We hard cut to zhang, which was the wood elf that you
had discussed how to help withthe uh, with making sure that
this election was fair, and heapproaches very slowly another
wood elf and he puts his hand onthe shoulder and he goes, baron
, yeah, what's up?
He goes.
(07:53):
It's good to see you.
It's been.
It's been many years it has.
I can't say you look quite thesame, but but we've got to get
this job done.
Speaker 3 (08:07):
You know that's what I do I work, I work.
My life is my work.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
Yes, and he starts to fill you in very quickly about
what has happened the lastcouple days, explaining that the
reason that he was sent herewas to ensure that this election
is fair, because it seems thatSol Deus has been working behind
the scenes to make sure thatthey can get this strategic
point.
I believe you and this is thefirst you are hearing any of
(08:36):
this because you are not theright guy.
You are not.
No, this would be racist ifZang was also not a wood.
Like Like, like.
Speaker 3 (08:48):
Like.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
And he, just he completely Like spills the beans
and he goes, oh, really quickly.
You were supposed to have someInformation for me.
Speaker 3 (09:02):
Yeah, they, uh, they told me To tell you they're not
coming.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
Who you were my contact.
Speaker 3 (09:13):
That's all they told me.
To tell you is that they won'tbe able to make it.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
Give him a wink.
I'm just winking.
That was an uncomfortable wink.
Speaker 3 (09:25):
He looks at you so confidently that you think you
know what he's talking about.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
Yeah, give me a deception, so four.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
You just closed both eyes at him.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
Or like both eyes but one at a time, like some kind
of lizard frog, that fish fromthe Simpsons, you just close
both eyes at him.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
Or like both eyes, but one at a time.
Speaker 3 (09:42):
Yeah, like some kind of lizard frog, that fish from
the Simpsons.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
Well, the crazy thing is is he got a three on the die
, but he has a plus two.
Oh nice, so he goes.
I think I've made a gravemistake talking to you.
Speaker 3 (09:57):
No, there's no mistake talking to me.
Speaker 1 (09:59):
man, I don't believe you're barren.
Speaker 2 (10:05):
No, I can't have kids .
Speaker 3 (10:07):
How the hell did you get here Vance?
Speaker 1 (10:10):
But he goes, I, he goes.
I seem to have made A ratherlarge mistake and he goes.
How would you like to makeabout 30 gold, 30, huh, how much
were?
Speaker 3 (10:21):
you going to pay Baron 30, gold, 30,.
Huh, how much were you going topay Baron?
Speaker 1 (10:25):
I wasn't going to pay Baron.
This is hush money he's justvery honest 30 gold is how quiet
you want me to be, I'll bump itup to 50 if you help me with
what Baron was going to do.
Speaker 3 (10:39):
That sounds more like it, I could not talk for 50
gold and help me.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
Well, welcome to the alliance.
Can you shake hands and welcomeBrian Petrie?
What an introduction.
Speaker 3 (11:01):
And then he winks at you.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
And at about that time he ushers you over and you
are standing at what looks like,you know, like when you've
recently buried something andthe dirt is still pretty fresh.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
How often are you burying stuff?
Speaker 1 (11:20):
That doesn't matter.
That's not what we're here for.
You know what?
That's a dumb question to asksomebody.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
You're on a video game when the ground doesn't
look the same?
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
I've been playing a lot of Project.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
Zomboid lately.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
I bet there's a body down there, but clearly it's
just like some disturbed dirt.
And when he uncovers it,alright, disturbed dirt, just
like some disturbed dirt.
And when he uncovers it, so,and when he clears that it is,
(11:54):
it is a tunnel that leads intothe west side of the castle.
Okay, and he goes.
In a couple of hours, as theyare counting the votes, we are
going to go through here and weare going to ensure that
everything goes as smoothly aspossible, but until then, there
are a couple other things thatwe need to handle.
There is another person that Ihave brought in to help smooth
(12:17):
things out, and we're going togo get him.
His name is Vance.
You will meet him very shortly.
Things out, and we're going togo get him.
His name is vance, you willmeet him very shortly.
Um, and at about that time, youguys split off and meet up with
vance, who has just freed allof the people who were gathered
up by the guards by threateningthem with a sex act.
You gathered a big group ofpeople that didn't know what was
(12:38):
going on and said it's a sexthing you know what?
I, I don't blame them.
Yeah, I wouldn't stick around.
Did it work, though it did.
Speaker 3 (12:46):
It worked very well you just see uh, so if you ever
need a room to yourself just saythis is a sex, it's a sex thing
and then if people stick around, then you've got a different
problem to deal with.
Speaker 2 (12:57):
You've made a new friend.
Yeah, uh, you just see thisdwarf in like cleric garb or
like armor, you know like thering mail and stuff like that.
But he's just doing like a fast, like oh, what the fuck?
What the fuck what?
Speaker 3 (13:09):
just a quick like and then I see someone just run by
me, just a random person fromthe tavern screaming.
There's a horny little mantrying to touch everyone he's
wearing armor.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
Get away.
He's got handcuffs.
Go away.
Not my pee-pee, it's mayhem,people are screaming, it's a lot
.
Zhang just sees all thesepeople just scattering and then
sees Vance and he goes.
What did you do?
Speaker 2 (13:45):
everything according to plan yes and he goes.
Speaker 1 (13:48):
Yeah, I'm sure these people that are now scared for
their life are gonna be likebetter go vote real quick, I
mean yeah, I mean shut up hegoes either way.
They're free.
What's?
Speaker 2 (13:59):
what's the least horny activity you can do Vote.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
Eat Kellogg's cereal?
I believe Eat.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
Kellogg's cereal.
While standing in line to voiceyour opinion about government,
they saw a horny dwarf, and theywere like you know what?
Speaker 3 (14:11):
We're going to go vote.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
And that's it, my policies have changed.
Speaker 2 (14:25):
It's a regular ballot and a lot of write-ins of
fan-horny dwarves Just writtenin on it.
They try and draw a picture ofyou.
A picture of me and just saysEw.
Speaker 3 (14:38):
Y'all see the dwarves say yeah, yeah.
So Zhang looks and goes Ah,vance, this is Ew.
Y'all see?
Speaker 1 (14:41):
the dwarf say yeah, yeah.
But so Zang looks and goes Ah,vance, this is Well.
Actually I don't believe I gotyour name.
Speaker 3 (14:51):
Me.
Yeah, you didn't get my name?
Speaker 1 (14:55):
I didn't.
I called you Baron, thinkingthat you were somebody else, and
then come to find out youweren't.
But I don't believe I everasked you a name, I just bribed
you oh, you're right, you didn't.
That's crazy so I feel likeintroductions would be a good
thing if we're going to beworking together oh yeah, vance
is also.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
He's so small, so he's just like a child.
I'm just like alright.
Speaker 3 (15:25):
Vance.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
Dolan.
So you do give your real namenow.
Yeah, okay, I gotcha Dolan.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
Nice to meet you.
Speaker 3 (15:33):
Vance Yep Family name .
Speaker 2 (15:36):
Yeah, my family gave me that name.
Speaker 3 (15:40):
Yeah, Give me some first names.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
It's like Vince with an A it's powerful.
Speaker 1 (15:46):
Thank you, when are we going with this?
Speaker 2 (15:50):
Just getting to know each other.
I have a feeling that I have anew friend that I'm going to be
seeing for quite a while, yeah,consistently, consistently.
Two times a week at leastperhaps.
And I'll tell people about it,like every other wednesday.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
Okay, so it seems that you were able to free, uh,
the, the citizens that weregetting locked up.
We have secured a path into thecastle.
For the back end of things, wehave time for, for, basically,
one more way to try and get morepeople to not be as afraid.
What do you two gentlemen feellike doing?
(16:27):
We can either head to the northside of town, which I believe,
vance, you particularly knowbecause you met Estel.
Speaker 2 (16:32):
Yeah, I met Estel.
I've curried some favor up thatway.
Speaker 1 (16:35):
And then, or we could head back to the entrance of
town on the east side, where itseems to be the biggest support
for Sol Deus, and try and dosome work around there.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
So I learned if you just walk up to soldiers and
yell that you're in charge, theyare dumb as hell.
They will just let you leavewith a group of people.
Speaker 3 (16:55):
That's wild that you said they're dumb as hell.
That's awesome.
Speaking of, didn't you show mea hole earlier that he could
easily fit into?
Speaker 1 (17:06):
I mean, we could easily fit as well.
But yes, he would easily your Idon't even know if that's the
right word fit, yes, yeah, let'sput him in that hole.
Speaker 3 (17:13):
We'll put him in that hole in a few hours, let's calm
down, we gotta gotta get toknow each other a little bit.
According to what he was sayingearlier, he has no problem with
getting in a hole.
That was a panic decision.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
I don't actually fancy that kind of thing.
I panicked.
I didn't know what to do.
Speaker 1 (17:32):
Have you seen, froland?
We've all panicked andaccidentally Started an orgy,
started a threatened orgy.
It's a different attitude whenit's like we're all here.
Speaker 3 (17:48):
It was real panic at the discotheque, yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:51):
But he goes.
Where would you like to wrap upthings before we make sure that
everything is counted correctly?
Speaker 2 (17:59):
I mean I think like the North actually needs help
versus just getting taken out ofthe plan.
Speaker 3 (18:07):
You know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (18:08):
I think there's actually some good to be done up
North.
Speaker 3 (18:11):
Yeah, that's you said 50 goal.
Yes, he's getting wet.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
Don't worry about it.
Oh okay, this is an A to Bconversation.
Speaker 3 (18:23):
Fuck off you know what Good point?
It's way above your head.
Speaker 1 (18:29):
This is oh, it's because I'm small.
Nice, he gets it.
Speaker 3 (18:38):
I've never heard that one before.
I haven't heard that one beforethis has a very different
energy than the warms.
Speaker 2 (18:55):
Well, you good to walk.
Yeah, all right, I do got ahorse and carriage at the
stables, but we don't need thatuntil later.
He goes all right Justreminding the DM that that
exists and.
I want it still.
Speaker 1 (19:09):
Yep, all right, just because you want it doesn't mean
I will grant it.
He goes all right, you two headnorth.
I'm going to see what littlebit I can do on the east side.
So you two head northhangsplits and he says we shall meet
up in about three hours infront of the castle.
Um, as you head north, you veryquickly, you just head back to
(19:30):
the, the church that you saw onthe previous, and it seems like
estel is no longer taking careof the wounded.
They are all handled, nice, andyou don't see him at all like
he's just that would.
That probably would prevent mefrom seeing him helping wounded
it's one of those things whereyou went there and it's like,
(19:51):
okay, he's not helping thewounded, he must be inside.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
I got you, but when you go there he just seems to be
missing advance, walks around,starts looking around and was uh
, I'm just asking, like anyoneelse, any of their parishioners
or any of the wounded, like hey,have you seen that dragonborn,
you walk up to a nun and shegoes ah you must be talking
about Estel, yeah, yeah yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:15):
And then she just kind of looks down and she goes.
He told us not to worry, but afew guards showed up earlier and
escorted him off, so we're notquite sure where he is, but he
said no need to fear.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
Okay, well, he's good then.
We got nothing up here to do.
Speaker 3 (20:30):
Yeah, that's not what that sounds like.
Oh, no, and she goes.
Speaker 1 (20:33):
however, they were not Ugrange guards, they were
Soldeus, which the vote hasn'thappened yet, so they don't
really have jurisdiction aroundhere.
So it is a bit concerning.
Speaker 3 (20:44):
Which way did?
Speaker 1 (20:44):
they go.
She looks and she goes wellafter he left the church.
I'm not particularly sure.
I do know that there is anoutpost A bit west of here,
towards the castle.
Speaker 3 (20:58):
All right, hey Vince with an A.
Speaker 2 (21:02):
Yeah, yes, that is how names work.
Speaker 3 (21:06):
Yes, you said, a dude was dragonborn.
Speaker 2 (21:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (21:11):
You said Sildaris, soldiers came and got him.
Speaker 2 (21:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (21:15):
You think he's from there.
Speaker 2 (21:19):
Do I?
I honestly have not given itany thought.
Speaker 3 (21:22):
I mean, it didn't sound like he was taken against
his will.
Yeah, it sounded like they cameand collected him.
Speaker 2 (21:30):
Yeah, I don't think he's pro that, so I don't?
Speaker 1 (21:34):
Dragonborns are prominently from Soldeus.
That's where Brian's gettingthat from.
Oh, they're one of the primarythree species of Soldeus, that's
where Brian's getting that fromoh.
They're one of the primarythree species of Soldeus.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
I got you.
I just kind of was saying it,just because he's on the north
side and helping wounded and theguards.
Yeah, would I get the vibe thathe's pro or anti-Soldeus?
Speaker 1 (21:52):
When you talked to him he was basically completely
neutral as long as he washelping the wounded from the
bandit attacks recently.
That's why he is here.
Yeah, he is in Ugrange to helpwith the amount of bandit
attacks and healing I got you.
Speaker 2 (22:04):
Yeah, he might actually be from there.
But yeah, he sounds like he'snot in trouble, but I'd still
like to check it out.
Speaker 3 (22:12):
Did he leave anything behind?
Speaker 1 (22:14):
Like a note, perhaps he's like help.
Speaker 2 (22:17):
Oh, I was like it just says help.
He had Hep C.
He went to see a specialist.
He has Hepatitis C, I wouldimagine.
Speaker 1 (22:31):
She goes.
I mean his quarters.
He didn't take anything withhim, so everything would still
be where he sleeps and wherehe's staying.
Speaker 3 (22:41):
This is one of his best friends in the world.
You mind, if we dig around andsee if he left anything that
might clue us into why he mighthave gotten possibly arrested.
Speaker 1 (22:51):
Roll me a deception check 21 to insight.
Speaker 3 (22:56):
Yeah, we're best friends.
He's like oh shit Vance.
Oh that Vance, that's a five.
Oh shit Vance.
Oh that Vance, that's a five.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
Oh Vance, it's like Vance with an A ah she goes oh,
oh, I believe I saw you healingpeople out front yesterday,
correct?
Yep, that is 100% true.
It is 100% true because it wasin the episode.
Speaker 2 (23:16):
People can listen yeah, that's why I'm saying it's
100.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
True, you're saying it like you're lying, though,
which is very odd.
What, no, you're like yes, 100and I wink.
Speaker 2 (23:27):
I saw you.
What are you doing?
Real persuasion withdisadvantage there's a carbon
monoxide leak in Vance's room.
Speaker 1 (23:39):
It's real weird to see his helmet, but she gestures
and she goes.
You're more than welcome to see, because I also don't trust the
Saldan soldiers.
It's very odd circumstanceslately.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
Let's go touch his underwear.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
Well, they're friends .
Speaker 3 (23:59):
We just get there and he's like man.
Dragonborns leave a stain.
Speaker 2 (24:02):
Very blatant Door's still open, yeah.
Speaker 3 (24:15):
Just digging through his underwear Woo Whoa look at
these.
Speaker 1 (24:21):
So you make it into his room and you don't see
anything out of the ordinary.
You can tell that this isn'twhere he lives.
He was clearly just visitinghere but you do see a stack of
books on a desk.
You see a normal bed.
Nothing weird about that.
It's a very simple room with achest and some books on a desk
Cool yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:42):
I just kind of do a brief look around.
Speaker 3 (24:44):
Anything?
What kind of chest Fold up topor roll top desk?
Speaker 1 (24:49):
Like what you'd keep in front of the bed like a hope
chest Can.
I open that and see what's inthere.
It is locked.
Can I pick it?
Do you have a lock pick set?
I do Give me that sleight ofhand then While you're doing
that, 18 on the investigationAmongst the books you see a
journal that he's just kind ofbeen jotting in.
(25:12):
It actually says as of yesterdayhe's like I met this cool guy
named Vance I think we're goingto be good friends, I think
we're going to be pretty friendsIf nothing terrible happens to
me in the next 24 hours.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
He healed five people and then left immediately a
real mysterious cool guy I hopehe doesn't come back and touch
my underwear.
Speaker 1 (25:29):
He's a bit short for my taste.
At first I was like ugh dwarves, but he turned out to be kind
of cool.
Speaker 2 (25:35):
I've been leaving stains.
Speaker 3 (25:38):
Do you see any knives or weapons or just like letter
openers or anything around therewhile you're investigating?
Do you need a knife, justseeing if you got anything?
Speaker 1 (25:47):
I mean there would probably be a letter opener, but
that's about it.
Speaker 3 (25:49):
No weapons.
Speaker 2 (25:54):
I put my big mace down, for instance my big
warhammer down.
I pick up the tiny letteropener, this one.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
You're not friends with him, but in those books you
see a lot of not evennecessarily religious textbooks,
but a lot of local politics andhistory of the area.
He was trying to figure outwhat exactly was going on
Because, as you were readingthrough his journal, he also
seemed that something, eventhough he is from Soldeus,
(26:23):
doesn't seem right, Becausenothing about this is okay
according to tradition and rulesand their code of conduct.
All right, cool.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
He's a bit of a nerd, nailed it.
That's what I got out of it.
Speaker 1 (26:42):
We cut back over to what you see in the chest.
What was your or, I guess, whatwas your side of hand check 19.
Alright, you get it open andyou notice that the chest is
filled with a complete set ofSoldeus armor With an emblem on
it that is essentially.
(27:02):
I guess neither one of youwould naturally know.
So either one of you can giveme a history check?
Speaker 2 (27:10):
Ooh 19 on the die I'm rocking it oh this is my only
19s die.
Speaker 1 (27:14):
Yeah, it's less suspicious because it's not
natural.
20s I got a unnatural 21.
Speaker 3 (27:20):
Okay, can you get a natural 21?
Have you been rollingpercentile dice this whole time,
the whole time you?
Speaker 1 (27:28):
notice that the symbol on the armor is actually
from a essentially Sudeus'version of like Crusaders, where
they are very much like holysoldiers.
There's's like the town guard,there's the general like militia
and stuff.
But then when it comes to likethe religious section, there are
specific religious warriorsthat have never been outside of
(27:51):
the city walls because theymostly curtail inter-state like
problems interstate problems.
Speaker 2 (28:03):
And that's the symbol that's on the armor that is the
symbol that's on the armor.
Speaker 3 (28:08):
I think your boy was lying to you.
I don't think he was a monk ora cleric.
I think he was a.
Multiple things can be true.
Sure, that is true.
Both of those things were true.
He both healed and hurt peopleit looks like they're called
harmacists.
Speaker 1 (28:28):
That's not a paint on his armor.
Speaker 2 (28:30):
Never heard of a paladin, it's just healed and
hurt people, and Vance just getsa far-off look in his eyes.
Speaker 1 (28:36):
Yeah, helicopters CCR starts playing.
Speaker 3 (28:46):
I'm going to say we're going to take this to his
family, we're going to deliverhis armor to his family.
It's probably best that theyknow that he's been taken.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
He might need it.
Speaker 1 (28:57):
He might need it.
Well, we're not particularlyaware of any family that he has
in the city.
Do you mean back to Soldeus?
Speaker 3 (29:04):
Yeah, you wouldn't happen to have anybody.
You know that's going that way.
That way we could get there asquickly as possible.
Speaker 1 (29:11):
I mean there's convoys going in and out of the
city all the time.
I'm sure you could hit up oneof those.
Normally even the soldierroutes will take pedestrians if
they have the coin.
Speaker 2 (29:20):
I do have a horse in cart as well.
Maybe she says that, who knows,maybe that small child that got
yelled at earlier?
Speaker 3 (29:31):
was not to be trusted .
Speaker 2 (29:32):
You know the innocent small child that didn't do
anything.
Speaker 3 (29:38):
Yeah, let's go see what you got in that horse and
cart there.
Speaker 1 (29:45):
She stops you and she goes.
If you're taking this, thenyou're assuming he's not coming
back.
Speaker 3 (29:53):
No, no, no, not at all.
We just he may need it in orderto help him get back.
Yeah, okay, it's rough outthere.
Speaker 1 (30:01):
I will hold down the fort Our.
Speaker 2 (30:04):
Could you actually hold?
Speaker 1 (30:04):
down the church.
Okay, dickhead, like she justsinned.
Speaker 2 (30:11):
Like what.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
She goes, sinned Wow, she goes okay what you're
saying?
Yes, I can.
That's what I was doing beforeFather Estill got here, because
our priest hasn't returned fromhis journey up north to Curhill.
So the priest went up north aswell.
Our local priest here inUgrange had to travel north to
(30:32):
Kerr Hill, so, wait, the priestwent up north as well.
Our local priest here inUgrange had to travel north to
Kerr Hill and since he hadn'tbeen back, we requested
assistance from Soldeus, becausethat was the local area that
they were closest to us,essentially.
Which is kind of what kicked offthis whole thing about a week
ago.
Speaker 3 (30:51):
We'll check on that as well, and I give my new
friend Dolan a look of likeuh-oh, yeah.
Well, you said that convoys andthe soldiers take people up
north all the time.
Speaker 1 (31:03):
Well, yes, with this being so close to Soldeus and
Kerr Hill, we are a verystrategic point, would probably
be a good way to put it becausepeople traveling from Sildeus
will go up north because it'sthe closest port to any of these
border states, but also Ugrangehas a route.
We're like the Indiana you cango through us to get to a
(31:25):
different place.
That makes perfect sense.
Speaker 2 (31:27):
Yes, when is this fantasy land of Indiana?
Speaker 3 (31:31):
I'll show it to you.
Speaker 1 (31:33):
But yes, so north we have Kerr Hill and then we have
other cities to the east andsouth, so we are a very good
point to quickly get to whereyou need to go.
Speaker 3 (31:43):
Well, I appreciate it .
We're just going to take thiswhole chest if it's easier to
carry all this.
Speaker 1 (31:50):
Sure, yeah.
And then she looks at Van andvan she goes.
Since you were friends, I'massuming this will be okay.
Yeah, he's, he's a priest.
Speaker 2 (31:58):
When he gets back I'm sure he'll understand yeah,
we're just trying to make surehe gets back hey, vince with an
a grab those books, all right Iguess I take the books and throw
them right in the trunk as well.
Speaker 1 (32:10):
Letter opener she goes oh, all of his belongings.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
This is getting weirder Everything.
Speaker 3 (32:16):
Do you?
Speaker 2 (32:16):
want the bed sheets too.
Actually, yeah, I take the bedsheets, don't worry, because
this is a sex thing.
You got some stanky drawers.
Speaker 1 (32:26):
We recently heard of a warrant on the south side for
a guard that went rogue andthreatened an entire group of
people.
Speaker 2 (32:32):
It was a general, but that's fine.
Speaker 3 (32:35):
With a sex thing.
Speaker 1 (32:37):
So you gather up the armor and you gather up his
books, and then do you head out.
Speaker 2 (32:42):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (32:44):
As you head out, it's probably been about 30 minutes
to an hour, so in probablyanother hour or two is when
you're going to meet Zhang.
Do you want to investigate thatfort to the west or kind of
just wait to get into the castle?
Because, she doesn't know wherehe was taken.
That was kind of just her guess.
Speaker 2 (33:03):
Would we have time to investigate the fort to the
west before meeting Zhang?
Speaker 1 (33:06):
Depending on how things go.
How far away is your horse andbuggy?
Speaker 2 (33:10):
I don't know, it is on the opposite side of town, so
if we hustle we can do the fort.
Who runs the?
Speaker 3 (33:21):
fort.
Speaker 1 (33:22):
Who runs the fort.
There's not really anybody thatruns it.
It's been very odd latelybecause a lot of the Ugrange
outposts for defense have kindof just been co-opted by Soldeus
, so it's mostly just a lot ofSoldean grunts that are just
kind of hanging around makingsure that the town is safe.
I guess because of the banditattacks.
I still don't particularlyunderstand on our end why our
(33:45):
own guards are doing less andless.
Speaker 3 (33:47):
I say hey, general, let's make our way over to that
fort.
Let's see if I can fit.
Speaker 1 (33:53):
You're the sex criminal from the South.
Speaker 2 (33:55):
Yeah, we're going to go.
Speaker 1 (34:00):
No.
Speaker 3 (34:00):
I'm going to see if I can fit in this armor.
Speaker 2 (34:02):
If you can fit in the armor.
I mean, don't do it in front ofher, okay.
Speaker 1 (34:05):
So when you head out and you try and put on the armor
, it is much too big for you.
Essel is a dragonborn.
It's much bulkier.
So you got the height right,but it's much out.
Speaker 2 (34:15):
Just tell everyone you got a tapeworm.
Speaker 3 (34:19):
But it clearly doesn't fit.
Speaker 2 (34:21):
Correct.
It was my dad's armor.
Speaker 1 (34:24):
It's like wearing a shirt that's too big, so people
don't know you're as fat, butthey still know.
Speaker 3 (34:28):
So I'm going to put it back in the case and we'll
just walk with it and see, I gotan idea, though.
Speaker 1 (34:35):
Are you meeting up with Zhang or are you heading to
that outpost?
Speaker 3 (34:39):
I say we go, meet up with Zhang and let him know what
we want to do.
That works.
Speaker 1 (34:44):
You get back, you wait about an hour and Zhang
returns.
He goes.
Gentlemen, did you figureanything out?
How was it up?
Speaker 2 (34:54):
north.
Interesting the priest Estel,he got, I wouldn't say taken
perhaps, but he's with theSolderans, I believe.
Speaker 3 (35:08):
Yeah, and also, your boy ain't no priest.
And I just kick open the chestand show him that there's armor
in there with the symbol on it.
I'll fold it up.
Speaker 2 (35:17):
Very dramatic.
I mean, he could also stillalso be a priest.
They are religious soldiers.
Speaker 3 (35:23):
Two things can be true again yeah, he's not
baptizing babies.
Speaker 2 (35:27):
No.
He's baptizing things.
Vance just says to himself God,that was such a cool move.
Speaker 1 (35:33):
I'm gonna have to step my shit up.
And Zhang I almost said EstelZhang goes.
Oh, it's interesting that youfound this.
Estel has actually been workingRelatively close to us.
You're seeing an unfortunateremnant of his past that he's
(35:56):
trying to get through, but I canassure you that his heart is in
the right place now.
However, it is concerning thatthe Saldans gathered him up,
because that means they eitherneed him for something or they
have discovered something abouthim yeah, I take it that if they
(36:19):
needed him, he would probablyhave wanted to bring his armor
that is a very solid point.
Yeah, it may be best for us ifwe head into the castle to see
how the count is going.
Speaker 3 (36:30):
Yeah, but there's some stirring at the fort.
How desperate are you to get inthis castle?
Speaker 1 (36:38):
If you guys want to handle the fort, I can head into
the castle the way that I seeit.
Once they finalize the vote.
There's nothing we can do aboutit, but until then we can make
sure that at least it's going asit should, as it's planned.
Speaker 3 (36:51):
I got a feeling this vote's going as it should, as
it's planned.
Hmm, I got a feeling thisvote's going to happen
regardless of what we do.
Speaker 2 (37:00):
Yeah, the vote is happening.
Speaker 3 (37:03):
I mean worst case scenario we get ourselves
arrested and this armor doesn'tfit, so I ain't fighting my way
out.
I got an idea though, yeah,armor doesn't fit, so I ain't
fighting my way out.
I got an idea though, yeah, Ithink we can get in that uh that
fort without, uh your sexualescapades holding us down again.
Speaker 2 (37:20):
I got too deep in the character, I panicked yeah, I
say, we take this chest overthere and also, hey, I think at
least two people in that crowdwere like dude.
This could be fun.
I'm just saying it wasn't acomplete wash, yeah that one guy
was stuck in his cell.
Speaker 3 (37:36):
Didn't like him.
Speaker 1 (37:38):
Didn't like his vibe the one guy that stuck around
his shirt was lifted.
He was scratching his gut.
He's like thank you, we can dothat.
We'll hang out and see what'sgoing on.
Speaker 3 (37:49):
Other dude was just eating cheese.
Speaker 1 (37:53):
He didn't know what was going on and like you, could
hear him eating it.
It's like real mushy.
Because it's like old, theydidn't have it in the fridge.
Speaker 3 (38:02):
It's never the one.
It was bar cheese, it was oldtavern cheese.
I regret so many decisionstoday this episode brought to
you by old tavern cheese.
Old tavern cheese, old TavernCheese.
Speaker 2 (38:13):
Got a shit today and tomorrow?
No, you don't.
Too bad, you're going to haveto, but you can't.
Speaker 1 (38:21):
So you would like me to head into the castle and you
two are taking the fort or we'relooking at the fort later.
Speaker 3 (38:27):
You really think you can stop this?
Speaker 1 (38:28):
vote.
No, I'm not trying to stop it.
I'm just assuring that, whenthings are counted, uh, that
they are making it to theircorrect destination.
I'm more keeping the path onthe way that it should.
I think we've done a lot ofgood when it comes to releasing
people that they were separatingspecifically for this vote, but
there's always things on theback end, depending on who's
(38:49):
watching yeah, no, I think we'regonna go to the fort.
Speaker 3 (38:54):
I think you got this okay, I'm believing you cool.
Yeah, we start heading towardsthe fort all right, he goes.
Speaker 1 (39:04):
I uh, all right, you guys we're probably like 40
minutes right now, cool right on, and we normally cut around 45.
45, yeah, okay, he goes.
Okay, yes, I will handle whatis inside the fort and you two
gentlemen, or sorry, I'm agentleman yeah.
He goes.
Oh yes, I will handle what'sinside the castle.
(39:24):
I will make sure that whateverhappens, I'll subvert it as best
I can, depending on what I see,and I guess we'll just meet up
later and you can fill me in onEssel and that fort.
Speaker 2 (39:37):
Sounds good to me Sounds like a plan.
Speaker 3 (39:40):
I ain't going to forget about our deal.
You still ain't paid me.
Speaker 1 (39:46):
Oh, you're correct.
Then he hands you the bag of 50gold.
I normally wait until the end,but given the circumstances I'm
not quite sure when things willcalm down enough for us to meet
up again.
So he heads in.
Speaker 3 (40:00):
When he hands me the gold, I want him to hand it
directly over Vance's head.
Speaker 1 (40:06):
One coin at a time One.
Speaker 3 (40:10):
I told you this was over your head.
Speaker 2 (40:11):
Two I was just doing this to be a good person.
I could have benefitedfinancially.
This is crazy.
Speaker 1 (40:21):
And then you head to the north of the town to that
fort.
I said that really clunky andin pieces, I don't know why.
Speaker 3 (40:32):
I am stuck, help, help me help please.
Speaker 1 (40:37):
So yeah, yeah, cut the cameras.
This is bad seriously, I'mhaving a stroke that was where
the brain was working fasterthan the mouth you know, um, but
zhang goes.
(40:57):
Ah and gentlemen, truly thankyou for that help.
I hope to see you again soonand he nods and heads into the
castle.
As you guys are heading towardsthe fort to the north, you
start to notice that actuallygive me perception.
Checks, both of you, mmm.
(41:18):
Well, five Mmm, that was thehighest amongst you two.
Speaker 3 (41:22):
Six, oh, okay, you head south.
Speaker 2 (41:25):
Like oh, we messed this up.
Oh shit, soggy eat neverwaffles yeah.
Speaker 1 (41:30):
So, yeah, you guys don't really notice anything,
but there does seem to be quitethe ruckus.
You can't quite determine whatit is, but it is very loud, and
the closer you get, the morethat you notice that.
You see a few tents that havenow Saldan emblems already on
them, and both of you give meinsight checks now soldan
(41:52):
emblems already on them and bothof you give me insight checks
19 okay, hey, and 19 on the dieoh okay, that's a lot of 19s
today
Speaker 3 (42:05):
it's 19s and 3s for us.
Speaker 1 (42:06):
Yeah, yeah yeah, nothing in the middle.
Um, you notice that it almostseems like they're preemptively
celebrating, Like the Suleymansoldiers are already like
drinking and carrying on andhaving a good old time.
A lot of the tents have beenreplaced with like these
makeshift structures that haveSuleyman symbols on them, but
(42:27):
they're literally starting thevote count soon.
They haven't even startedcounting votes yet, but right
now they haven't noticed you andyou just see them around the
campfire and the makeshiftstructures and the goings-on of
the normal fort.
Speaker 3 (42:47):
Can we make out the soldiers?
Can we see what they look likeor who they are?
Because they're not alldragonborn right, Correct?
No, no, no.
Speaker 1 (42:57):
It's a mix of a bunch and you don't see Essel
anywhere.
All the soldiers, they're noteven battle ready.
It's like hey, it's the end ofthe day, we're not on shift,
they're just in their makeshiftarmor and they're like fatigue,
fatigues, whatever that would betheir under armor, and just
like they've already done theirjob, like it's Okay.
Speaker 3 (43:20):
And we take off running up there screaming they
took him.
Speaker 2 (43:35):
But then they left his armor.
Speaker 3 (43:38):
They took him.
They can argue about it or theycan go figure out who took who.
But we got armor and no body.
Speaker 2 (43:45):
Oh, we just take a symbol, we don't need the whole
armor, ditch it Just a piece.
Speaker 3 (43:49):
Yeah, we just like yeah.
Speaker 2 (43:51):
Just the breastplate.
No, no, no, we can't, becauselike if they took him like part
of his armor could have come offin a struggle, but like it's
weird to have a whole chest, youknow, a glove, yeah something
with a symbol on it.
Speaker 3 (44:06):
Okay, off the armor, all right, we'll just say they
took them.
All right, let's do it Allright here.
Speaker 1 (44:12):
I gave it to him.
Okay, so that's the plan.
Speaker 2 (44:16):
The last time I spoke , I accidentally started a sex
crime, so I'm going to sit thisone out.
Speaker 3 (44:23):
So I take the piece and I'm like, yeah, you're right
, that's probably a better idea.
Where do we put this armor?
Because?
A better idea, where do we putthis armor?
Because we can't have themstumbling across it and finding
it.
Speaker 1 (44:33):
I look around to the tree or bush or something.
Not really because you're inthe middle of a town, but you
could maybe find an alleyway totry and Find an alley, stick it
behind a dumpster.
Some homeless guy's like oh boy, some armor.
Speaker 3 (44:45):
He just woo, woo, woo , woo and he runs off with it.
What all did the armor havewith it?
Was it just platelets, feet,chest?
What all was there?
Speaker 1 (44:53):
it was mostly chain mail with like a plate chest
piece, okay, yep.
And then a makeshift helmetthat went down the nose, uh.
And then just around the backto flare out into the chest
piece, okay yeah, let's justhalf full.
I think it's technically whatit is in the like dmg half plate
, half full.
Speaker 2 (45:11):
No, I haven't had breakfast yet yeah, half full
yeah.
Speaker 3 (45:14):
I'm with that.
Let's dish this armor back here.
And then I say we run in, wetell them they took him.
When they ask who, we tell themwe don't know.
We were just talking to him andsome dudes ran up and snatched
him yeah nice, nice.
And then we tell them I don'tknow where they're taking him to
, but it seems serious.
Yeah, and we see how they react, because I mean, if we walk in
(45:38):
not knowing anything to talkabout, they're just going to ask
us who we are.
Yeah, and the whole sex storywill have to come up.
Speaker 2 (45:46):
Well, I mean, hang on , I've been working on this, so
it's not a sex thing.
I go.
How about them bug bears?
Yeah, we're not gonna do that.
Speaker 1 (45:52):
The local sports team the bug bears bug bears one of
the guards goes oh my god, it'sthe guy that's been molesting
bug bears out in the woods, he'sthat crime that's been existing
for years I thought it was anurban legend, but he's real.
Speaker 3 (46:09):
All right, we won't do that that'll be a one-off bit
.
Speaker 1 (46:10):
we're not gonna make you an international.
I thought it was an urbanlegend, but he's real.
Yeah, no, all right, we won'tdo that.
That'll be a one-off bit.
We're not going to make you aninternational sex criminal,
please not.
I say you run in screaming help.
Speaker 3 (46:21):
I run in behind you screaming.
They took him Cool.
All right when you get in asyou're screaming, help look
around and see if you see yourbuddy.
You'll recognize him before Iwill.
Speaker 1 (46:30):
Yeah, sounds like a plan, okay so.
Speaker 2 (46:35):
Vance you run in.
I'm adorning little legs.
Speaker 1 (46:38):
It's like four feet you guys were outside the door.
Speaker 3 (46:41):
Yeah, we got to pretend like we're running, you
know.
Speaker 2 (46:44):
Yeah.
Oh my God, they took him,mm-hmm.
Speaker 1 (46:57):
So as soon as you run in and break not break, but run
through the entrance, theguards that are already drinking
around the fire like stumbleand they're, they're like
reaching for their sword, butthey kind of forgot that they
don't really have anything onthem, so they're just like tent,
they tense up and they go.
What help?
What is going on?
And I'm assuming that's aboutthe time that you turn the
corner.
He just never comes.
Speaker 2 (47:16):
Yeah, that would be oh God.
Speaker 3 (47:22):
I'm selling the emblem to somebody in the street
.
Speaker 1 (47:24):
First frozen.
Speaker 2 (47:27):
No one become my friend.
You will disappear if I quitlooking at you.
I know I've been giddily hurt.
Speaker 1 (47:34):
I'm talking to somebody like no, no, no, I got
the rest of it over there thisepisode is going to end with
Vance looking at a snow globe inthe hospital and then I'm
assuming you come running aroundthe corner.
Speaker 3 (47:48):
Oh, thank God, we found this.
We found this.
The Zali dropped and he said tohelp.
He screamed help.
Speaker 1 (47:56):
And at about that time you hear a very deep voice
from one of the makeshiftstructures who the hell are you
talking about?
And at about that time the doorkicks open to a huge orc that
is pulling behind him inhandcuffs, essel, and pushes him
(48:18):
in front and kicks him to theground and he is bloodied and
bruised.
And that is where we are endingthis episode.
Ah, ah man Well.
Ah man well.
(48:38):
Uh, thank you for watching.
Monster monsters are listeningon the podcast formats.
My name has been.
Speaker 2 (48:41):
I always say has been like it's changing, we changed
it yeah, uh, my name is tylerwaltz.
Speaker 1 (48:44):
I've been your dm and we'll just start with.
Start with the newcomer yeah,I'm brian petrie.
Speaker 3 (48:49):
You can find me all the things at brian petrie
comedy.
I should look at one of thesecameras, give it a wink and then
give that one a wink.
Oh, two eyes, two winks and Iam tyson cox.
Speaker 2 (49:01):
You can find me at tyson cox comedy.
Thank you for listening.
If you enjoyed this, pleasetell a friend.
We're growing rapidly andthat's all.
Thanks to you guys.
We don't do any ads or anythinglike that, so it's all word of
mouth currently.
So I just want to thank you allfor listening and thanks for
the support.
You guys are beautiful.
Speaker 1 (49:16):
All of you.
Yeah, Thank you so much andstay tuned for our upcoming
shows.
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