April 29, 2025 • 35 mins
Grief, in its many forms, serves as a central theme in this episode, where I engage in a candid exploration of my personal loss following the death of my sister, Corinne. Her battle with frontotemporal dementia presented a unique challenge, as each progressive loss of her faculties felt like a series of heartbreaks, leading to a profound transformation in my understanding of grief. I share the raw, unfiltered emotions that surfaced during this time—anger, despair, and a sense of isolation—as I grappled with the reality of losing someone who had been my confidant and ally. In recounting these experiences, I seek to validate the feelings of those who may also be navigating their own grief journeys, emphasizing that it is a deeply personal and often nonlinear process.
The episode further evolves to encompass the broader societal context in which we find ourselves, acknowledging the collective grief that many experience in the face of political and social upheaval. I draw connections between personal loss and the anguish felt by communities as rights and freedoms are threatened or stripped away. By framing grief as both a personal and collective phenomenon, I encourage listeners to recognize the importance of acknowledging these experiences, as they often intertwine and inform one another. This intersectionality of grief highlights the necessity for empathy and understanding in our interactions with others.
As the episode unfolds, I extend an invitation to embrace the complexity of grief, allowing it to serve as a catalyst for personal growth and societal engagement. I posit that through our shared experiences of loss, we can cultivate a greater sense of community and support, ultimately fostering a more compassionate world. My hope is that by articulating these sentiments, I can inspire others to confront their grief openly and to see it as a pathway to deeper connections and transformative action.
Takeaways:
- The podcast episode explores the profound effects of grief and transformation following the loss of a loved one.
- Grief manifests in various forms, encompassing deep sadness, anger, and even moments of unexpected joy.
- Understanding grief as a universal experience allows us to connect with others who are suffering from loss.
- The journey of grief is nonlinear and personal, requiring space for emotions to emerge and be processed.
Links referenced in this episode:
Connect with Heather:
Join the Kind Space on Patreon
Give a copy of Heather's book, Parenting with Pride.
Join Heather's Substack and Mid Week Breath weekly newsletter
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(01:23):
Welcome to More Human, More Kind.
I'm Heather Hester, andtoday's episode is quite special.
It will be deeply personal anda look at the micro and macro effects
of the past year on a verypersonal level and on the collective.
Do you ever wish that youcould take a peek inside another
(01:46):
person's psyche to see thebehind the scenes intricacies of
another human's heart?
In doing what I do, I get toobserve and talk to a lot of people.
And one of the mostfascinating truths is that the person
you see on the surface isoften but a sliver of the deep, beautiful
(02:07):
soul that lies beneath thelight and the shadows.
The exquisite, quirkyauthenticity that is only reserved
for a precious few.
This.
This is where humanity lives,both in a singular sense and as the
(02:28):
collective, the soft andruthless soul.
If you're really observant orapproach with genuine curiosity,
you'll gain access to thedazzling messiness beneath that practiced
smile.
That's where the good stuff is.
The dark and the light, thehumanness, the kindness.
(02:52):
That is where we're going today.
One year ago on April 29, Ilost my sister Corinne to FTD frontotemporal
dementia.
She was my ally, my confidant,and a bold and beautifully independent
(03:12):
spirit in our family.
This past year has been ajourney through intense grief, transformation
and resilience.
Today, I invite you to join meas I honor my little sister.
Along the way, I'll explorethe multifaceted nature of grief,
(03:32):
discuss personal and societalupheavals, and find pathways to hope
and action.
This is a space forreflection, truth and connection,
and perhaps even permissionfor you to feel and express your
own deeply hidden grief.
(03:53):
As Jamie Anderson said, griefis love with nowhere to go.
One of the cruelties of FTD isthat you lose your loved one a little
bit at a time.
From the time Corrine wasdiagnosed at age 42 to the day she
passed five years later, Ilost her dozens of times.
(04:17):
As her personality changed, asher memory became fuzzy, and then
unreachable.
As she lost her ability tohave a conversation and express herself.
And then her ability to speak.
As she lost the ability tocommunicate through facial expressions
or touch.
(04:38):
As she lost her ability toconnect through sight and touch.
And of course, when at lasther heart ceased and she took her
final breath.
With each of those losses, I grieved.
And each time, grief came tome differently.
(04:59):
Different emotions, physicalexpressions, forms of denial or rejection.
Sometimes the grief was sointense it took my breath away.
At others, it was more like asubtle underlying Constant current.
At times, I could physicallyfeel a deep, wrenching ache in my
(05:22):
heart.
And at others, it was a whitehot anger at the injustice and cruelty
of it all.
And through all of this, achasm of isolation subtly grew.
Because at the root of ourbond was our shared understanding
of where and what we came from.
(05:42):
No other human on earth couldempathize or understand to the depths
our lived experience.
And with each fiber of herbrain that this horrific disease
claimed, we lost she theunimaginable hell of a degenerative
disease.
(06:02):
Me.
Well, I lost the one personwho really knew, who validated and
helped me put words andfeelings with all of the emotional
wounds and scars of ourindividual and collective childhood
and young adulthood.
And even though I encouraged,even begged her to let go of her
(06:26):
physical body in those finalmonths, the finality of her death
rattled me deep to my core.
It was at once a sharp painand a deep, deep ache.
I was angry, filled, filledwith rage.
I wanted to wail and sob andscream, and I wanted to unleash every
(06:51):
emotion named and unnamed forboth of us.
I found it most curious thaton one occasion the week before she
passed, and then again on theday of her funeral, I was asked why
I was so angry.
Both of those people were ofthe belief that it was a statement
(07:13):
about my lack in Christianfaith, that I could be so angry about
Corrine's death.
And they said as much to me.
Let's just say that theircallous judgment during a time that
called for, at a minimum,space and tenderness, helped me further
my own personal spiritual journey.
(07:33):
A space that we will explorefurther on a not so distant episode.
I've given these encounters agreat deal of thought since then
and still feel as stronglytoday as I did then.
Grief evolves.
So while there are stillflashes of the anger of injustice,
(07:55):
so while there are stillflashes of the anger of injustice,
it has now morphed into a deepsadness that ebbs and flows.
I expect I will always feel adegree of this face of grief, because
not only were we robbed ofeach other, but she was robbed of
her life, of all of the possibility.
(08:17):
She never got to finishchasing all of her big dreams.
She never got to know howridiculously amazing, talented, loving
and just cool all of hernieces and nephews are.
And she would have been themost fun big kid aunt.
And her friendships wereabruptly cut short.
(08:40):
All who knew and loved her lost.
To me, this is just fact.
And feeling angry about losingher has nothing to do with faith
of any kind.
The light she carried withinwas not one of warmth but one of
refracted brilliance, onethat, while filled with sharp edges,
(09:06):
shared brightness and acertain clarity, joy, and knowing
of deep feeling with thehandful of people that she allowed
access Grief and its arrivalMany expressions and eventual healing
is nonlinear.
It is deeply personal.
(09:27):
It can reduce you to fetalposition, blinding tears, a soulful
ache that has no relief orsimply existing as the days float
by, disconnected from the body.
Because the pain is too great,it can and will fill all of the cracks
(09:47):
in between.
It asks that we see it, sitwith it, get to know it, feel its
discomfort, and surrender to it.
Grief is one emotion, and yetalso all of them at once.
While we most often think ofgrief and grieving with relation
(10:11):
to death of a physical body,it can also show up in the aftermath
of loss of relationships,identities, freedoms, certainty,
and even in the smallerinstances of plans gone awry, disappointments
and material losses.
(10:32):
It was certainly a mindexpanding moment for me when I realized
the myriad of ways that griefexisted outside of physical death.
Learning to grieve and allowspace for it to come and go as it
needed was life changing andthe rest of today's episode is going
(10:53):
to explore these other typesof grief.
But for this moment, I hopethat in sharing my grief for my sister
ever so briefly, you allowyourself these realizations as well.
Grief shows up and livesdifferently within each of us.
(11:13):
The first step to healing andhaving a growth experience with grief
is to allow it, no matter howmessy and uncomfortable it may feel.
A friend recently shared theidea that in America especially,
we are grief phobic.
Not only are we terrified toexperience it and to feel it, we
(11:38):
also have no idea what to dowhen we encounter it in another.
My hope is that in sharing myexperiences with grief of losing
my sister, you may see griefas part of the human experience that
instead of running from itwhen it comes near, you embrace it.
(12:00):
That the next time grief showsup in your life, whether it is deeply
personal or an acknowledginganother human's loss, you will know
this a well worded monologueis not necessary.
Grief doesn't need a privatespace to be expressed.
A messy hey, this really sucksand I'm so sorry is always preferred
(12:26):
to silence or awkward avoidance.
As for your own grief, thereisn't a right way.
If you feel like wailing, wail.
If you need to rant, rant.
If writing and writing untilyou were out of words feels good,
do that.
(12:47):
Doing instead of stuffing itdown is better for you every single
time.
Mentally, physically,spiritually and emotionally.
Elizabeth Kubler Ross andDavid Kessler have done numerous
studies on grief over thecourse of decades, and their summary
(13:10):
is this grief reshapes life.
It is not something we'remeant to quote, unquote, move past.
Once you experience loss, thereality is that you will grieve forever.
You will not get over the loss.
You will learn to live with it.
(13:32):
Two weeks after Corinne passedlast year, my first book was introduced
into the world.
I had always dreamed ofwriting a book.
Between dozens upon dozens ofjournals over the course of my life
to the paid writing of mycraft, my book loomed on the horizon
for many, many years.
(13:53):
As the pieces of thisparticular book fell into place,
the proposal and outlines, thepublisher and editors, the writing
and rewriting and rewriting, Igrew ever more excited and nervous
and hopeful.
I knew I was offering a pieceof my heart, an intimate glimpse
(14:18):
into my family, and anoffering of hope and empowerment
for anyone who read felt allat once terrifying and thrilling.
As the official publicationdate of May 14th neared, so did the
realization that Corinne'stime on this earth was soon going
(14:38):
to be complete.
Even though I had preparedmyself as much as I could personally
and professionally and left anopen space for all of the possibilities
with Steve and the kids, Irealized immediately that there is
no way to be truly ready for aloved one to leave this earth or
(15:01):
for a beloved project not toenter it as it should.
Needless to say, I canceledall of my launch events save one,
and left the way parentingwith pride was introduced to the
world and received by her upto the fates.
I was devastated that I wasn'table to give this book the launch
(15:24):
I had envisioned, and I wasalso fully aware that I was giving
myself an incredible gift.
In that moment and in the manythat followed, I allowed myself the
space and presence to grieveby canceling everything I had time
(15:45):
to sit with the full range of grief.
Losing Corinne brought thesadness, anger, disappointment, rage,
despair, and the deep, deep exhaustion.
And somewhere in the middle ofall of that, I realized that I was
(16:09):
also grieving thedisappointment surrounding the launch
of my book.
It certainly felt odd atfirst, holding and allowing two very
different types and feelingsof grief.
But the more that I paused andallowed them both to exist, the more
I was able to process andbreathe that permission to pause
(16:32):
that I often bring up.
It worked beautifully here,and it allowed me to see, feel, and
sit with the beauty of theslow and winding unfolding of grief.
Of course, being almost a yearremoved from those first hard days,
I can now see the gifts moreclearly, and two of them are clarity
(16:57):
and reframing.
Clarity to see thepossibilities on this side of the
grief, and reframing to seelaunching in a different light.
I plan to share more aboutthese gifts in the next few months,
but but suffice it to say, arelaunch is on the horizon, filled
(17:17):
with renewed energy and purpose.
Now I really grappled withwhether to talk about the election
during this episode as Ireviewed the past 12 months of my
life, because it is certainlya topic deserving of its own episode.
However, as these topicsrolled around in my mind the past
(17:40):
few weeks, they all keptbumping into their common denominator,
grief.
I believe it is still soimportant to continue to validate
the stress, fear, anger, andnervous system exhaustion of 2024,
as well as the deep personalcare and healing work I encourage
(18:04):
you to do in order to move forward.
I also believe it is importantto name and acknowledge the grief
so many of us felt in thosedays and weeks following November
5th.
A full episode could andprobably should be spent detailing
every reason for our grief,acknowledging the losses, as well
(18:28):
as the terrifying anddevastating accuracy of what so many
of us warned was coming.
As I checked in on my kidsduring those first few days, Grace
told me at one point that shewas just cycling through the stages
of grief.
I remember thinking at thetime how healthy it was that she
(18:48):
could articulate how and whatshe was feeling, as well as why,
even as it was so frighteningat the same time.
So I thought I would runthrough a version of the stages of
grief adapted for bothpersonal loss and, like mine, of
Corinne, and societal orpolitical grief.
(19:11):
Like the loss of rights,stability, or trust.
The first stage is denial, andhere's how it may show up for you
in personal grief.
At first, it's hard to believethat their loss is real.
You might feel numb, likeyou're watching life happen from
(19:32):
a distance.
Denial helps protect you fromthe full force of the pain all at
once.
Here's how it might show upfor societal grief when rights are
stripped away or institutionsfail, many of us initially react
with disbelief.
This can't happen here.
(19:52):
Surely it will get better.
Denial gives people time toemotionally catch up with new, painful
realities.
The second stage is anger.
Here's how it might show upfor personal grief.
As reality sinks in, angeroften rises as the unfairness of
(20:16):
the loss at the medicalsystem, at God, at loved ones, at
yourself.
You fill in the blank.
Anger can feel isolating, butit's actually an important and healthy
part of Processing pain.
I'm going to repeat this forthose who see this as a sign of spiritual
brokenness or vapidness.
(20:39):
Anger can feel isolating, butit's actually an important and healthy
part of processing pain.
Here's how anger might show upfor societal grief.
When freedoms are taken awayor injustice escalates, anger is
(20:59):
a powerful collective force.
It shows up in protests andactivism and in deep conversations.
Anger signals that somethingvaluable has been violated, and it
demands a response.
The third stage is bargaining.
(21:19):
Here's how that might show upfor you.
In personal grief, you mayfind yourself replaying what if scenarios.
What if I had called sooner?
What if we had tried one more treatment?
Bargaining is a way to wrestlewith the helplessness of loss and
to try to make meaning.
(21:39):
Here's how it might show upfor you for societal grief.
In societal or politicalgrief, bargaining sounds like maybe
if we just wait, things willcalm down.
If we vote differently nexttime, it will be all fixed.
It reflects the human need tosearch for solutions when control
(22:00):
feels lost.
The fourth stage is depression.
Here's how that might show upfor personal grief.
When the weight of the lossfully settles in, deep sadness often
follows.
Depression and grief can feellike emptiness, disconnection, and
(22:23):
an overwhelming awareness ofall that has changed.
Here's how depression mightshow up for societal grief.
As the scale of injustice orloss becomes undeniable, despair
can take root.
Feelings of hopelessness,burnout, and fatigue are common.
(22:45):
This is the moment when manypeople retreat inward, mourning what
feels broken beyond repair.
And finally, the fifth stageof grief is acceptance.
Here's how that might show upfor personal grief.
Acceptance doesn't meangetting over the loss.
It means learning to live withit, to carry it with you in a way
(23:09):
that still allows for life,love, and new meaning.
The pain softens and becomeswoven into who you are.
Here's how that might show upfor societal grief.
In societal grief, acceptancemeans recognizing the truth of where
we are and choosing to act anyway.
(23:32):
It's the decision to engage,to hope, to build, even in the face
of setbacks.
Acceptance allows for movementforward, fueled by clarity rather
than illusion.
Here's what it comes down to.
Grief, whether personal orcollective, is not something we fix.
(23:56):
It's something we livethrough, honor and allow to transform
us.
And from that transformation,new possibilities for love, justice
and connection emerge.
After all, hope is not apassive thing.
(24:17):
Hope is an active commitmentto keep moving forward, even when
the way is hard.
Hope strengthens our capacityto hold the tension of opposites
and to grow our resilienceGrief has so many shapes.
It's not only the achingabsence of someone we love.
(24:39):
It's also the quiet heartbreakof watching the world shift in ways
that feel unfamiliar, unsafe,or unjust.
As I've moved through thisyear of personal loss, I've also
felt the deeper, quieter griefthat so many of us are carrying,
(25:00):
the grief for rights lost, fortruths bent, for communities threatened.
Part of healing, part ofhonoring those we love and the future
we believe in is facing thatgrief honestly.
So I want to spend a fewmoments naming some of what we are
(25:24):
grieving together right now.
Because when we name it, wecan begin to transform it.
Let's start with one of themost fundamental rights in a democracy,
the right to vote.
The SAVE Act SafeguardAmerican Voter Eligibility act was
(25:45):
passed in the House ofRepresentatives in April 2025.
It requires proof of U.S.
citizenship, such as a birthcertificate or passport, to register
to vote in federal elections.
However, the SAVE act doesn'tsafeguard elections it risks silencing
the voices of millions ofeligible Americans, deepening the
(26:09):
erosion of democratic participation.
Another place where loss isshowing up powerfully is in how we
treat people seeking safetyand our immigration policies.
In the early months of thesecond Trump turn, policies echoing
the 2018 zero toleranceimmigration strategy have resurfaced
(26:33):
the these policies treatvulnerable people not as human beings
seeking safety, but aspolitical pawns.
It marks a moral andhumanitarian regression.
When we allow cruelty toreplace compassion at our borders,
we lose part of our national soul.
(26:53):
As I heard someone say justearlier today, we are a nation of
immigrants and we are a nationof laws.
Let's make that our goal.
Beyond our borders, we're alsoseeing threats to one of our most
sacred freedoms, the freedomto speak, to assemble, and to dissent.
(27:16):
Think back to what we'vediscussed in the four part Foundations
of Freedom series.
Since 2021, over 30 stateshave introduced or passed laws restricting
public protests.
In early 2025, the federalgovernment voiced support for expanding
these anti protest measures.
Nationally, freedom ofassembly and protest are cornerstones
(27:41):
of democracy.
Suppressing dissent under theguise of law and order erodes the
First Amendment and chillscivic engagement, especially among
marginalized communities.
When protest is criminalized,democracy is not just weakened, it
is betrayed.
(28:03):
And finally, even our placesof learning, our universities and
classrooms, are becomingbattlegrounds where ideas, inclusion,
and critical thinking areunder attack.
This is a direct attack onacademic freedom, a value that ensures
students and scholars canpursue truth without political interference.
(28:25):
Targeting DEI programsspecifically also signals hostility
toward marginalized groupswithin academia.
When we censor classrooms andpunish institutions for promoting
diversity.
We are not protectingeducation, we are suffocating it.
(28:45):
Grief isn't just personal,it's also collective.
We grieve the erosion of therights, freedoms and values that
anchor our society, and thatgrief can and must turn into action.
It's heavy, I know, but namingwhat's real is the first step toward
(29:07):
reclaiming what's possible.
So let's talk about where wego from here.
About hope, about action,about choosing to move forward with
open eyes and open hearts.
Stay informed, engage withreputable news sources and fact check
(29:27):
information.
Participate in localorganizations and initiatives, contribute
to or volunteer withorganizations like the League of
Women Voters ElectionProtection Fair Election center or
Protect Democracy.
Finding ways to act, even insmall ways, helps transform grief
(29:52):
into momentum.
It reminds us that we stillhave agency, even when so much feels
uncertain.
And speaking oftransformation, if the renaming of
this podcast to More Human,more Kind felt sudden or surprising,
I hope hearing that all thispast year has held offers a little
(30:15):
more context.
This shift, like everythingelse, has been born from deep change,
deep grief, and a deep callingto step forward more fully as myself.
Every experience, everymoment, personal and collective,
have led me to knowing andevery fiber of my being that it is
(30:39):
time.
It's time to evolve beyondChrysalis Mama, to step out and be
seen as me.
Heather Hester Chrysalis Mamawas the perfect name when I started
all of this back in 2018.
It was the perfect descriptorof who I was at that time and what
(30:59):
I was doing in the world.
It mirrored the work I havebeen doing all of these years, protective
and transformational.
And now it is time to step outof the Chrysalis as myself.
It's time to share my personalgrowth and offer you the space for
the same.
(31:20):
It's time to reflect mypersonal evolution and commitment
to authenticity.
It's time to talk aboutcurrent events and not around them.
It's time to allow more of mythoughts to be heard and self to
be seen, even if that meansthat some will not like it.
(31:41):
Grief often precedes or has ahand in transformation.
As John Green said, grief doesnot change you, it reveals you.
So what does all of this meangoing forward?
Well, in addition to therenaming of this podcast from Just
(32:03):
Breathe parenting your LGBTQteen to More Human, More Kind, I
am undergoing a complete rebrand.
In the next few months youwill see a brand new website, new
ways to work with me andconnect with community, and a new
message honoring a broader mission.
(32:24):
Several people have asked if Iplan on visiting Corrine's grave
site in Ohio on thisanniversary of her death, or Angel
Day as we call it in our groupof friends, I contemplated for weeks
and I finally realized I neverfelt the draw because Corinne is
not there.
She is here with me.
(32:46):
She is in the laughter of mykids, in the snowflakes of her beloved
mountains and the sweat of agood workout, and in the whisper
caught on a warm ocean breeze.
She is at once at peace andwatching over us.
(33:08):
We carry our grief and throughit we carry the ones we love.
In choosing to hope and daringto act with kindness and courage,
we honor them and we createthe world they dreamed of too.
I invite you to walk this roadwith me with courage, curiosity and
(33:31):
kindness.
I find peace and calm in thememories of who Corinne was on this
earth.
Her spirit guides me toembrace authenticity, to stand firm
in the face of adversity, andto extend kindness even when it's
challenging.
It is my wish to honor her byembodying these values, fostering
(33:55):
connections, and striving fora more human, more kind world, and
I invite you to join me inthis movement.
If this episode resonated withyou, please share it with someone
who needs it.
Subscribe to the newsletter tostay up to date as I introduce my
(34:17):
new website and relaunch ofParenting with Pride.
Join the Kind Circle communityon Patreon for deeper connections.
Thank you for sharing thisspace with me today.
Until next time.
Welcome to More Human, More Kind.
I'm Heather Hester, andtoday's episode is quite special.
It will be deeply personal anda look at the micro and macro effects
of the past year on a verypersonal level and on the collective.
Do you ever wish that youcould take a peek inside another
(01:46):
person's psyche to see thebehind the scenes intricacies of
another human's heart?
In doing what I do, I get toobserve and talk to a lot of people.
And one of the mostfascinating truths is that the person
you see on the surface isoften but a sliver of the deep, beautiful
(02:07):
soul that lies beneath thelight and the shadows.
The exquisite, quirkyauthenticity that is only reserved
for a precious few.
This.
This is where humanity lives,both in a singular sense and as the
(02:28):
collective, the soft andruthless soul.
If you're really observant orapproach with genuine curiosity,
you'll gain access to thedazzling messiness beneath that practiced
smile.
That's where the good stuff is.
The dark and the light, thehumanness, the kindness.
(02:52):
That is where we're going today.
One year ago on April 29, Ilost my sister Corinne to FTD frontotemporal
dementia.
She was my ally, my confidant,and a bold and beautifully independent
(03:12):
spirit in our family.
This past year has been ajourney through intense grief, transformation
and resilience.
Today, I invite you to join meas I honor my little sister.
Along the way, I'll explorethe multifaceted nature of grief,
(03:32):
discuss personal and societalupheavals, and find pathways to hope
and action.
This is a space forreflection, truth and connection,
and perhaps even permissionfor you to feel and express your
own deeply hidden grief.
(03:53):
As Jamie Anderson said, griefis love with nowhere to go.
One of the cruelties of FTD isthat you lose your loved one a little
bit at a time.
From the time Corrine wasdiagnosed at age 42 to the day she
passed five years later, Ilost her dozens of times.
(04:17):
As her personality changed, asher memory became fuzzy, and then
unreachable.
As she lost her ability tohave a conversation and express herself.
And then her ability to speak.
As she lost the ability tocommunicate through facial expressions
or touch.
(04:38):
As she lost her ability toconnect through sight and touch.
And of course, when at lasther heart ceased and she took her
final breath.
With each of those losses, I grieved.
And each time, grief came tome differently.
(04:59):
Different emotions, physicalexpressions, forms of denial or rejection.
Sometimes the grief was sointense it took my breath away.
At others, it was more like asubtle underlying Constant current.
At times, I could physicallyfeel a deep, wrenching ache in my
(05:22):
heart.
And at others, it was a whitehot anger at the injustice and cruelty
of it all.
And through all of this, achasm of isolation subtly grew.
Because at the root of ourbond was our shared understanding
of where and what we came from.
(05:42):
No other human on earth couldempathize or understand to the depths
our lived experience.
And with each fiber of herbrain that this horrific disease
claimed, we lost she theunimaginable hell of a degenerative
disease.
(06:02):
Me.
Well, I lost the one personwho really knew, who validated and
helped me put words andfeelings with all of the emotional
wounds and scars of ourindividual and collective childhood
and young adulthood.
And even though I encouraged,even begged her to let go of her
(06:26):
physical body in those finalmonths, the finality of her death
rattled me deep to my core.
It was at once a sharp painand a deep, deep ache.
I was angry, filled, filledwith rage.
I wanted to wail and sob andscream, and I wanted to unleash every
(06:51):
emotion named and unnamed forboth of us.
I found it most curious thaton one occasion the week before she
passed, and then again on theday of her funeral, I was asked why
I was so angry.
Both of those people were ofthe belief that it was a statement
(07:13):
about my lack in Christianfaith, that I could be so angry about
Corrine's death.
And they said as much to me.
Let's just say that theircallous judgment during a time that
called for, at a minimum,space and tenderness, helped me further
my own personal spiritual journey.
(07:33):
A space that we will explorefurther on a not so distant episode.
I've given these encounters agreat deal of thought since then
and still feel as stronglytoday as I did then.
Grief evolves.
So while there are stillflashes of the anger of injustice,
(07:55):
so while there are stillflashes of the anger of injustice,
it has now morphed into a deepsadness that ebbs and flows.
I expect I will always feel adegree of this face of grief, because
not only were we robbed ofeach other, but she was robbed of
her life, of all of the possibility.
(08:17):
She never got to finishchasing all of her big dreams.
She never got to know howridiculously amazing, talented, loving
and just cool all of hernieces and nephews are.
And she would have been themost fun big kid aunt.
And her friendships wereabruptly cut short.
(08:40):
All who knew and loved her lost.
To me, this is just fact.
And feeling angry about losingher has nothing to do with faith
of any kind.
The light she carried withinwas not one of warmth but one of
refracted brilliance, onethat, while filled with sharp edges,
(09:06):
shared brightness and acertain clarity, joy, and knowing
of deep feeling with thehandful of people that she allowed
access Grief and its arrivalMany expressions and eventual healing
is nonlinear.
It is deeply personal.
(09:27):
It can reduce you to fetalposition, blinding tears, a soulful
ache that has no relief orsimply existing as the days float
by, disconnected from the body.
Because the pain is too great,it can and will fill all of the cracks
(09:47):
in between.
It asks that we see it, sitwith it, get to know it, feel its
discomfort, and surrender to it.
Grief is one emotion, and yetalso all of them at once.
While we most often think ofgrief and grieving with relation
(10:11):
to death of a physical body,it can also show up in the aftermath
of loss of relationships,identities, freedoms, certainty,
and even in the smallerinstances of plans gone awry, disappointments
and material losses.
(10:32):
It was certainly a mindexpanding moment for me when I realized
the myriad of ways that griefexisted outside of physical death.
Learning to grieve and allowspace for it to come and go as it
needed was life changing andthe rest of today's episode is going
(10:53):
to explore these other typesof grief.
But for this moment, I hopethat in sharing my grief for my sister
ever so briefly, you allowyourself these realizations as well.
Grief shows up and livesdifferently within each of us.
(11:13):
The first step to healing andhaving a growth experience with grief
is to allow it, no matter howmessy and uncomfortable it may feel.
A friend recently shared theidea that in America especially,
we are grief phobic.
Not only are we terrified toexperience it and to feel it, we
(11:38):
also have no idea what to dowhen we encounter it in another.
My hope is that in sharing myexperiences with grief of losing
my sister, you may see griefas part of the human experience that
instead of running from itwhen it comes near, you embrace it.
(12:00):
That the next time grief showsup in your life, whether it is deeply
personal or an acknowledginganother human's loss, you will know
this a well worded monologueis not necessary.
Grief doesn't need a privatespace to be expressed.
A messy hey, this really sucksand I'm so sorry is always preferred
(12:26):
to silence or awkward avoidance.
As for your own grief, thereisn't a right way.
If you feel like wailing, wail.
If you need to rant, rant.
If writing and writing untilyou were out of words feels good,
do that.
(12:47):
Doing instead of stuffing itdown is better for you every single
time.
Mentally, physically,spiritually and emotionally.
Elizabeth Kubler Ross andDavid Kessler have done numerous
studies on grief over thecourse of decades, and their summary
(13:10):
is this grief reshapes life.
It is not something we'remeant to quote, unquote, move past.
Once you experience loss, thereality is that you will grieve forever.
You will not get over the loss.
You will learn to live with it.
(13:32):
Two weeks after Corinne passedlast year, my first book was introduced
into the world.
I had always dreamed ofwriting a book.
Between dozens upon dozens ofjournals over the course of my life
to the paid writing of mycraft, my book loomed on the horizon
for many, many years.
(13:53):
As the pieces of thisparticular book fell into place,
the proposal and outlines, thepublisher and editors, the writing
and rewriting and rewriting, Igrew ever more excited and nervous
and hopeful.
I knew I was offering a pieceof my heart, an intimate glimpse
(14:18):
into my family, and anoffering of hope and empowerment
for anyone who read felt allat once terrifying and thrilling.
As the official publicationdate of May 14th neared, so did the
realization that Corinne'stime on this earth was soon going
(14:38):
to be complete.
Even though I had preparedmyself as much as I could personally
and professionally and left anopen space for all of the possibilities
with Steve and the kids, Irealized immediately that there is
no way to be truly ready for aloved one to leave this earth or
(15:01):
for a beloved project not toenter it as it should.
Needless to say, I canceledall of my launch events save one,
and left the way parentingwith pride was introduced to the
world and received by her upto the fates.
I was devastated that I wasn'table to give this book the launch
(15:24):
I had envisioned, and I wasalso fully aware that I was giving
myself an incredible gift.
In that moment and in the manythat followed, I allowed myself the
space and presence to grieveby canceling everything I had time
(15:45):
to sit with the full range of grief.
Losing Corinne brought thesadness, anger, disappointment, rage,
despair, and the deep, deep exhaustion.
And somewhere in the middle ofall of that, I realized that I was
(16:09):
also grieving thedisappointment surrounding the launch
of my book.
It certainly felt odd atfirst, holding and allowing two very
different types and feelingsof grief.
But the more that I paused andallowed them both to exist, the more
I was able to process andbreathe that permission to pause
(16:32):
that I often bring up.
It worked beautifully here,and it allowed me to see, feel, and
sit with the beauty of theslow and winding unfolding of grief.
Of course, being almost a yearremoved from those first hard days,
I can now see the gifts moreclearly, and two of them are clarity
(16:57):
and reframing.
Clarity to see thepossibilities on this side of the
grief, and reframing to seelaunching in a different light.
I plan to share more aboutthese gifts in the next few months,
but but suffice it to say, arelaunch is on the horizon, filled
(17:17):
with renewed energy and purpose.
Now I really grappled withwhether to talk about the election
during this episode as Ireviewed the past 12 months of my
life, because it is certainlya topic deserving of its own episode.
However, as these topicsrolled around in my mind the past
(17:40):
few weeks, they all keptbumping into their common denominator,
grief.
I believe it is still soimportant to continue to validate
the stress, fear, anger, andnervous system exhaustion of 2024,
as well as the deep personalcare and healing work I encourage
(18:04):
you to do in order to move forward.
I also believe it is importantto name and acknowledge the grief
so many of us felt in thosedays and weeks following November
5th.
A full episode could andprobably should be spent detailing
every reason for our grief,acknowledging the losses, as well
(18:28):
as the terrifying anddevastating accuracy of what so many
of us warned was coming.
As I checked in on my kidsduring those first few days, Grace
told me at one point that shewas just cycling through the stages
of grief.
I remember thinking at thetime how healthy it was that she
(18:48):
could articulate how and whatshe was feeling, as well as why,
even as it was so frighteningat the same time.
So I thought I would runthrough a version of the stages of
grief adapted for bothpersonal loss and, like mine, of
Corinne, and societal orpolitical grief.
(19:11):
Like the loss of rights,stability, or trust.
The first stage is denial, andhere's how it may show up for you
in personal grief.
At first, it's hard to believethat their loss is real.
You might feel numb, likeyou're watching life happen from
(19:32):
a distance.
Denial helps protect you fromthe full force of the pain all at
once.
Here's how it might show upfor societal grief when rights are
stripped away or institutionsfail, many of us initially react
with disbelief.
This can't happen here.
(19:52):
Surely it will get better.
Denial gives people time toemotionally catch up with new, painful
realities.
The second stage is anger.
Here's how it might show upfor personal grief.
As reality sinks in, angeroften rises as the unfairness of
(20:16):
the loss at the medicalsystem, at God, at loved ones, at
yourself.
You fill in the blank.
Anger can feel isolating, butit's actually an important and healthy
part of Processing pain.
I'm going to repeat this forthose who see this as a sign of spiritual
brokenness or vapidness.
(20:39):
Anger can feel isolating, butit's actually an important and healthy
part of processing pain.
Here's how anger might show upfor societal grief.
When freedoms are taken awayor injustice escalates, anger is
(20:59):
a powerful collective force.
It shows up in protests andactivism and in deep conversations.
Anger signals that somethingvaluable has been violated, and it
demands a response.
The third stage is bargaining.
(21:19):
Here's how that might show upfor you.
In personal grief, you mayfind yourself replaying what if scenarios.
What if I had called sooner?
What if we had tried one more treatment?
Bargaining is a way to wrestlewith the helplessness of loss and
to try to make meaning.
(21:39):
Here's how it might show upfor you for societal grief.
In societal or politicalgrief, bargaining sounds like maybe
if we just wait, things willcalm down.
If we vote differently nexttime, it will be all fixed.
It reflects the human need tosearch for solutions when control
(22:00):
feels lost.
The fourth stage is depression.
Here's how that might show upfor personal grief.
When the weight of the lossfully settles in, deep sadness often
follows.
Depression and grief can feellike emptiness, disconnection, and
(22:23):
an overwhelming awareness ofall that has changed.
Here's how depression mightshow up for societal grief.
As the scale of injustice orloss becomes undeniable, despair
can take root.
Feelings of hopelessness,burnout, and fatigue are common.
(22:45):
This is the moment when manypeople retreat inward, mourning what
feels broken beyond repair.
And finally, the fifth stageof grief is acceptance.
Here's how that might show upfor personal grief.
Acceptance doesn't meangetting over the loss.
It means learning to live withit, to carry it with you in a way
(23:09):
that still allows for life,love, and new meaning.
The pain softens and becomeswoven into who you are.
Here's how that might show upfor societal grief.
In societal grief, acceptancemeans recognizing the truth of where
we are and choosing to act anyway.
(23:32):
It's the decision to engage,to hope, to build, even in the face
of setbacks.
Acceptance allows for movementforward, fueled by clarity rather
than illusion.
Here's what it comes down to.
Grief, whether personal orcollective, is not something we fix.
(23:56):
It's something we livethrough, honor and allow to transform
us.
And from that transformation,new possibilities for love, justice
and connection emerge.
After all, hope is not apassive thing.
(24:17):
Hope is an active commitmentto keep moving forward, even when
the way is hard.
Hope strengthens our capacityto hold the tension of opposites
and to grow our resilienceGrief has so many shapes.
It's not only the achingabsence of someone we love.
(24:39):
It's also the quiet heartbreakof watching the world shift in ways
that feel unfamiliar, unsafe,or unjust.
As I've moved through thisyear of personal loss, I've also
felt the deeper, quieter griefthat so many of us are carrying,
(25:00):
the grief for rights lost, fortruths bent, for communities threatened.
Part of healing, part ofhonoring those we love and the future
we believe in is facing thatgrief honestly.
So I want to spend a fewmoments naming some of what we are
(25:24):
grieving together right now.
Because when we name it, wecan begin to transform it.
Let's start with one of themost fundamental rights in a democracy,
the right to vote.
The SAVE Act SafeguardAmerican Voter Eligibility act was
(25:45):
passed in the House ofRepresentatives in April 2025.
It requires proof of U.S.
citizenship, such as a birthcertificate or passport, to register
to vote in federal elections.
However, the SAVE act doesn'tsafeguard elections it risks silencing
the voices of millions ofeligible Americans, deepening the
(26:09):
erosion of democratic participation.
Another place where loss isshowing up powerfully is in how we
treat people seeking safetyand our immigration policies.
In the early months of thesecond Trump turn, policies echoing
the 2018 zero toleranceimmigration strategy have resurfaced
(26:33):
the these policies treatvulnerable people not as human beings
seeking safety, but aspolitical pawns.
It marks a moral andhumanitarian regression.
When we allow cruelty toreplace compassion at our borders,
we lose part of our national soul.
(26:53):
As I heard someone say justearlier today, we are a nation of
immigrants and we are a nationof laws.
Let's make that our goal.
Beyond our borders, we're alsoseeing threats to one of our most
sacred freedoms, the freedomto speak, to assemble, and to dissent.
(27:16):
Think back to what we'vediscussed in the four part Foundations
of Freedom series.
Since 2021, over 30 stateshave introduced or passed laws restricting
public protests.
In early 2025, the federalgovernment voiced support for expanding
these anti protest measures.
Nationally, freedom ofassembly and protest are cornerstones
(27:41):
of democracy.
Suppressing dissent under theguise of law and order erodes the
First Amendment and chillscivic engagement, especially among
marginalized communities.
When protest is criminalized,democracy is not just weakened, it
is betrayed.
(28:03):
And finally, even our placesof learning, our universities and
classrooms, are becomingbattlegrounds where ideas, inclusion,
and critical thinking areunder attack.
This is a direct attack onacademic freedom, a value that ensures
students and scholars canpursue truth without political interference.
(28:25):
Targeting DEI programsspecifically also signals hostility
toward marginalized groupswithin academia.
When we censor classrooms andpunish institutions for promoting
diversity.
We are not protectingeducation, we are suffocating it.
(28:45):
Grief isn't just personal,it's also collective.
We grieve the erosion of therights, freedoms and values that
anchor our society, and thatgrief can and must turn into action.
It's heavy, I know, but namingwhat's real is the first step toward
(29:07):
reclaiming what's possible.
So let's talk about where wego from here.
About hope, about action,about choosing to move forward with
open eyes and open hearts.
Stay informed, engage withreputable news sources and fact check
(29:27):
information.
Participate in localorganizations and initiatives, contribute
to or volunteer withorganizations like the League of
Women Voters ElectionProtection Fair Election center or
Protect Democracy.
Finding ways to act, even insmall ways, helps transform grief
(29:52):
into momentum.
It reminds us that we stillhave agency, even when so much feels
uncertain.
And speaking oftransformation, if the renaming of
this podcast to More Human,more Kind felt sudden or surprising,
I hope hearing that all thispast year has held offers a little
(30:15):
more context.
This shift, like everythingelse, has been born from deep change,
deep grief, and a deep callingto step forward more fully as myself.
Every experience, everymoment, personal and collective,
have led me to knowing andevery fiber of my being that it is
(30:39):
time.
It's time to evolve beyondChrysalis Mama, to step out and be
seen as me.
Heather Hester Chrysalis Mamawas the perfect name when I started
all of this back in 2018.
It was the perfect descriptorof who I was at that time and what
(30:59):
I was doing in the world.
It mirrored the work I havebeen doing all of these years, protective
and transformational.
And now it is time to step outof the Chrysalis as myself.
It's time to share my personalgrowth and offer you the space for
the same.
(31:20):
It's time to reflect mypersonal evolution and commitment
to authenticity.
It's time to talk aboutcurrent events and not around them.
It's time to allow more of mythoughts to be heard and self to
be seen, even if that meansthat some will not like it.
(31:41):
Grief often precedes or has ahand in transformation.
As John Green said, grief doesnot change you, it reveals you.
So what does all of this meangoing forward?
Well, in addition to therenaming of this podcast from Just
(32:03):
Breathe parenting your LGBTQteen to More Human, More Kind, I
am undergoing a complete rebrand.
In the next few months youwill see a brand new website, new
ways to work with me andconnect with community, and a new
message honoring a broader mission.
(32:24):
Several people have asked if Iplan on visiting Corrine's grave
site in Ohio on thisanniversary of her death, or Angel
Day as we call it in our groupof friends, I contemplated for weeks
and I finally realized I neverfelt the draw because Corinne is
not there.
She is here with me.
(32:46):
She is in the laughter of mykids, in the snowflakes of her beloved
mountains and the sweat of agood workout, and in the whisper
caught on a warm ocean breeze.
She is at once at peace andwatching over us.
(33:08):
We carry our grief and throughit we carry the ones we love.
In choosing to hope and daringto act with kindness and courage,
we honor them and we createthe world they dreamed of too.
I invite you to walk this roadwith me with courage, curiosity and
(33:31):
kindness.
I find peace and calm in thememories of who Corinne was on this
earth.
Her spirit guides me toembrace authenticity, to stand firm
in the face of adversity, andto extend kindness even when it's
challenging.
It is my wish to honor her byembodying these values, fostering
(33:55):
connections, and striving fora more human, more kind world, and
I invite you to join me inthis movement.
If this episode resonated withyou, please share it with someone
who needs it.
Subscribe to the newsletter tostay up to date as I introduce my
(34:17):
new website and relaunch ofParenting with Pride.
Join the Kind Circle communityon Patreon for deeper connections.
Thank you for sharing thisspace with me today.
Until next time.
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