March 14, 2025 • 29 mins
The primary focus of today's discourse centers on the critical distinction between niceness and kindness, a topic that warrants deeper examination in our contemporary societal interactions. I have come to recognize that many of us have been conditioned to prioritize niceness—characterized by superficial politeness and the avoidance of conflict—over authentic kindness, which often necessitates uncomfortable honesty and proactive engagement. Through a thorough exploration of various real-life scenarios, I illustrate how niceness can perpetuate the status quo, while kindness demands action and advocacy, particularly for marginalized communities. We delve into the implications of these behaviors not only on personal relationships but also within broader contexts such as allyship and community engagement. Ultimately, I invite listeners to reflect on their own experiences and consider how they might navigate the delicate balance between being nice and being truly kind in their daily lives.
A profound exploration unfolds as we delve into the intricate distinction between the concepts of niceness and kindness. Niceness, often perceived as a societal expectation, is fundamentally rooted in the desire to maintain comfort and avoid confrontation. It is characterized by superficial politeness and adherence to social norms, frequently masking insincerity. For instance, a common phrase such as 'I'm sorry you feel that way' exemplifies the pitfalls of niceness; it deflects responsibility and fails to address the underlying issues at hand. In stark contrast, kindness emanates from a place of genuine empathy and necessitates courage, often compelling individuals to engage in uncomfortable yet necessary conversations that challenge injustices. This episode invites listeners to reflect on their own experiences, urging them to recognize the moments when they opted for niceness over kindness, and to consider the emotional and ethical implications of such choices. We are encouraged to be proactive in our allyship, confronting uncomfortable truths rather than glossing over them with polite niceties, as we navigate the complexities of interpersonal relationships and societal dynamics.
Takeaways:
- The distinction between being nice and being kind is crucial for fostering authentic relationships.
- Niceness often serves to maintain comfort and avoid conflict, whereas kindness involves taking action for others.
- Practicing kindness can lead to uncomfortable conversations, which are essential for allyship and advocacy.
- Clear communication is an essential component of kindness, as it fosters understanding and trust among individuals.
- Being kind requires us to challenge societal norms and engage in difficult discussions for the benefit of others.
- We must reflect on our past experiences of niceness versus kindness to better understand our behaviors.
Links referenced in this episode:
Connect with Heather:
Join the Kind Space on Patreon
Give a copy of Heather's book, Parenting with Pride....
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:46):
Welcome to beyond the Breath.
I am so glad you are joiningme today.
My name is Heather Hester andI am really excited to talk about
today's topic.
It is actually a little bit ofa teaser for some changes that are
going to be coming in a fewweeks for this podcast.
(01:09):
So today I am going to talkabout the difference between being
nice and being kind.
And I have given this a lot ofthought in recent months, this distinction.
And it actually veryspecifically came up a few weeks
(01:30):
ago when I was talking with afriend of mine and we were.
I can't even remember exactlywhat we were talking about, to be
honest, but it came up thiswhole distinction between what being
nice means and what being kind means.
And it sparked this thoughtthat this is a conversation that
(01:54):
we need to be having andespecially in the context of allyship
and advocating formarginalized communities.
So really what we're going tolook at is an overview, like the
big picture of nice and kind,and then talk about some really specific
(02:16):
examples of where this showsup in our lives and how we can make
some really subtle shifts andperhaps even some big shifts.
But I think it's reallyimportant to point out as we start
that so many of us were raisedto prioritize being nice.
We were always told to benice, be nice to one another, be
(02:40):
nice in public, and reallywhat that equates to is be polite,
use your manners.
Right.
At least in my mind, and Ithink in the mind of many now, there's
obviously many layers to that,but what is the difference between
(03:01):
being nice and prioritizebeing nice as opposed to being kind?
And this is where I foundoften requires kindness, which isn't
always nice.
So let's just hop right in andlet's define what we know niceness
(03:24):
to be and kindness to be.
So niceness is a socialexpectation, like I said, it's often
driven by politeness or anavoidance of conflict.
And it's typically too used tomaintain comfort for yourself, for
(03:46):
everyone around you.
Niceness can come across asbeing fake or insincere.
And it can also be a thinveiled mask of actually the opposite
behavior or the oppositefeeling of quote, unquote, nice.
(04:09):
Right?
So an example of this would besaying, I'm so sorry you feel that
way, which really is insincerein so many ways.
Instead of actually addressingthe harm, I'm sorry that I did this.
(04:31):
I'm sorry that my action, mybehavior made you feel this way.
Right.
So that, that I'm sorry youfeel that way is taking the ownership
out of the equation.
And it's a whole way to smooththings over while avoiding conflict.
(04:53):
Typically it is delivered withthis whole facade of what could otherwise
be described as sweetness, right.
Pleasantness, politeness,kindness, on the other hand, is rooted
in empathy and action and encourage.
(05:14):
And like I just alluded to alittle bit, it may require uncomfortable
honesty or standing up againstinjustice or unfairness or something
that you just view as wrong,perhaps even immoral.
For example, calling out aharmful or cruel joke in a social
(05:41):
setting, which is really hardto do, but it's the kind thing to
do.
It may not come across asquote, unquote nice, Right, but it's
kind.
There's a book called platonicby Dr.
Marissa Franco, who on thistopic I that was so fascinating that
(06:09):
in discussing friendships,which is what the book is about,
that true connection requiresauthenticity, not just surface level
niceness.
So in order to be authentic,right, Our authentic selves and connect
with somebody else in a veryauthentic way, it's goes far beyond
(06:33):
the surface niceness.
So I'd like for you to juststop for a moment with me and think
about a time when you knew youwere being nice for the sake of niceness
or to keep the peace or toavoid confrontation.
(06:57):
And I want you to see if youcan like really remember how that
felt and where you felt thatin your body.
And.
And on top of that, as you'reremembering this, how that makes
you feel now.
And then I'd like for you tothink about a time when you were
(07:19):
kind.
Kind to another human being,showed kindness in a difficult situation.
And I'm wondering, as youthink about that, how did how the
kindness showed up for you?
Did it show up by helping thatperson in some way or acknowledging
(07:41):
the pain that they were in, orstanding in solidarity or even something
as simple as going out of yourway to share words of kindness or
a smile, which is differentthan niceness, Right.
When you think about that, andI'm wondering how that felt, where
(08:05):
you felt that in your body andas you're remembering it right now,
how that feels.
And if you can feel thedifference and really intellectually
connect to the difference andas well as emotionally, mentally,
and just in your body feeling.
(08:26):
So why does being kind orbeing aware of the difference between
being nice and being kindmatter and allyship?
Well, being nice maintains thestatus quo and it avoids the hard
conversations.
(08:47):
Being nice, again, keepseverything right at the surface.
It doesn't go into thosedeeper layers of why allyship is
important.
Who in your life needs you asan ally, what kind of topics are
coming up that perhaps justneed to have a good conversation
(09:10):
or a discussion or need to be addressed?
When we're being nice, wedon't do any of that.
And I just have a little bitof a tangent to go off on here, because
as I was really thinking aboutthis topic, I realized that most
of my life I was nice.
(09:32):
I spent my life, especiallywith my family of origin, being nice
because I knew that's how Icould keep the peace.
I knew that's how I couldsurvive conversations.
That's how I could.
(09:54):
Now, when I really look at itand I really pull things apart for
me, how I could avoiddiscussing things that were uncomfortable.
And it's fascinating because Ithink especially girls and girls
of my generation, so I'm Gen X.
(10:17):
That was something that wasreally emphasized, was for us to
be nice, be nice, be nice, be nice.
And being able to break out ofthat and being able to make this
distinction, discernmentbetween niceness, politeness, and
(10:39):
kindness is really anextraordinary breakthrough.
And for me, it just feels itwas such an aha moment.
So while being nice, like Isaid, can maintain that status quo,
right?
It helps us avoid hard conversations.
(11:01):
Being kind means activelystanding up for those who are marginalized,
even when it's uncomfortable.
And that's the really, reallybig piece.
Even when it's uncomfortableand we talk a lot about discomfort
and leaning into thatdiscomfort and knowing that when
we feel uncomfortable, a lotof times that means that we're doing
(11:26):
the right thing, that we'regrowing, that we are making important
shifts, that we are leaninginto who we are authentically.
Now we can add kindness tothat, right?
There is this.
When we are uncomfortable in asituation that we are, whether we're
standing in solidarity or weare standing up for someone else,
(11:49):
kindness comes into play as well.
So I just want you to add thatto your kind of mental list of as
you are going through.
So here is a really greatexample of the difference between
being nice and being kind whenit comes to allyship.
(12:10):
A teacher who avoidsdiscussing LGBTQ identities to keep
the peace.
Nice versus a teacher whocreates an inclusive environment
despite potential pushback,which is right where we are right
now, right?
This is in this time.
(12:31):
And you can insert your bossat work, your neighbor down the street.
You can replace teacher withany number of things, right?
You can replace LGBTQ with anumber of other people who are being
targeted right now.
(12:51):
So someone who does thisreally, really well and talks about
this in a way that I havefound to be very, very helpful is
Brene Brown, specifically inher book Dare to Lead.
And anybody who's a BreneBrown fan knows that she has written
a lot about this and talksabout it both in her books and on
her podcast.
(13:12):
But one thing that reallystruck me as I was doing a little
bit of research for thisepisode, trying to find different
examples and people that Ireally respect who have discussed
this topic is looking at itlike this.
What is kind and what is unkind?
(13:33):
So in Dare to Lead, Brenetalks about being clear as being
kind and being unclear asbeing unkind.
And the idea here is that shehighlights the importance of being
being clear and direct incommunication, arguing that this
(13:55):
approach is ultimately moreconsiderate than being ambiguous.
And of course that sounds soobvious, right?
But think about when you arein a situation that is uncomfortable,
or when you really want tostand up for somebody, or when you
(14:15):
want to advocate and thinkabout perhaps the feelings that come
up for you that may makethings not clear or may make you
anxious and anxiety is reallyfamous for making things all jumbled
and cloudy and makes you use athousand words when ten would suffice,
(14:38):
right?
So this whole idea of taking areally deep breath and being clear
and direct and calm is moreconsiderate and more kind.
And the benefits are that itrespects others.
(14:59):
Being clear respects otherpeople's intelligence and avoids
leaving them guessing orfeeling misled.
It creates a safe space.
Direct communication can helpestablish trust and build a foundation
for open and honest conversations.
(15:22):
And it can facilitate problemsolving and really talking through
difficult topics.
Clear communication allowspeople to understand the problem,
the expectations, and how toaddress that.
Really discuss back and forthhow to address it and how to solve
(15:48):
it.
Clarity, unclarity, sorry, onthe other hand, is unkind because
it leaves room formisinterpretations, which leads to
misinformation and all of thethings right.
(16:09):
Unclear communication can leadto confusion and misunderstandings,
which causes unnecessarystress and can in the long term be
very, very damaging to relationships.
It actually undermines trust.
People feel disrespected andundervalued when important information
(16:34):
completely left out or justnot communicated well.
Avoiding difficultconversations or being unclear about
expectations can enableindividuals to shirk their responsibilities
or not take responsibility ornot be accountable.
(16:58):
A few examples of how beingunclear is unkind are one giving
half truths or just completelyleaving critical information out
of a statement, aconversation, a discussion to not
(17:21):
clearly communicatingexpectations with somebody that you're
working with, with spouse, apartner, a friend, and a discussion
and three and this is a bigone, talking about people instead
(17:42):
of to them.
So here are a few real lifescenarios where this kind of, you
can kind of see this playingout in.
I included this in herebecause these are kind of shortened
to the point.
But it really shows thedifference between niceness and kindness.
(18:05):
So the first one is in a, anexample in a workplace where a co
worker misgenders a colleague,niceness would be saying nothing
to avoid the awkwardness, justkind of just avoiding it, right?
Looking away, pretending youdidn't hear it.
(18:26):
Kindness would be politelycorrecting them and ensuring your
colleague who is misgenderedfeels supported.
The second real life scenariois in a family conversation where
a relative makes a racist orhomophobic comment.
Niceness would be laughinguncomfortably or changing the subject,
(18:51):
really prioritizing thecomfort of the person who made the
racist or homophobic commentover the rest of the people there.
Kindness would be gently butfirmly explaining why the comment
is harmful or unacceptable.
(19:15):
This actually came up reallyrecently for a situation with one
of my kids where thesignificant other of one of their
friends made a very racist comment.
And so instead of addressingit directly, both the significant
other and the person, thefriend who is dating this person,
(19:37):
neither one of them addressedit, neither one of them took ownership
or accountability.
And instead of kind of doneall types of things, such as dancing
around it, such as doing theI'm sorry that you felt that way.
(20:00):
And it has caused really,really big problems within the greater
group of friends.
Because ultimately, at the endof the day, what niceness does is
it shows character.
(20:21):
And when this is, whenniceness is a behavior that's exerted,
and especially in a way likethis, over and over again, it shows
character and not a great way,as opposed to practicing being kind,
(20:41):
even if it comes out messy,even if it comes out, you know, jumbled,
always better, right?
It feels better to be kindthan it does to be nice.
And I think all of us canthink of a conversation, whether
it is within our families or,or with a friend group, that some
(21:08):
kind of comment has been madethat has needed to be addressed in
some way.
And you can think, you know,if you're thinking back about this,
how was it handled?
Was it handled with niceness?
Was it handled with kindness?
Was it handled with a conversation?
Was it just swept under the rug?
And as you're thinking aboutthis, I don't want this to be an
(21:30):
exercise either of shaming anybody.
This to me is something thatwe all can be better at.
And it's something thatrequires being aware and practice.
So certainly this isn't asituation of, of shaming.
(21:52):
So please don't take this asan opportunity to think about all
the ways that you've messed upand oh my gosh, this is terrible.
I want you to think of this asan opportunity to learn and grow,
which is the way that I havetaken it as well.
And then the final real lifescenario that I want to share with
(22:16):
you is one within communityand community advocacy where a school
board debates inclusive policies.
Being nice would be stayingout of it because it's quote unquote
not your fight.
Being kind would be speakingup even if it makes waves.
(22:40):
And again, this is one thatwe're seeing a lot of now and I believe
that we are going to see a lotmore of.
So as you find this in yourcommunity, whether it's with, with
school boards, with parkboards, with your community delegates
within the larger community ofour state representatives and our
(23:03):
first people think about waysthat we can advocate and how we can
shift from that just surfacelevel niceness to kindness.
Some of the ways that we cando this is to ask yourself, am I
avoiding discomfort or am Ibeing truly compassionate?
(23:26):
Am I making an effort to betruly compassionate?
The second is something thatI've talked about many times before
because it can go across somany different topics and it's using
I statements when addressingtough topics.
(23:46):
For example, I feel it'simportant to fill in the blank instead
of you're wrong.
And this is something thattakes practice and it takes just
a good deal of thought toshift your approach with, with this
(24:06):
if this is one that hastripped you up in the past.
And then finally practicingcourage and small ways, correcting
misinformation when you hearit or when you see it, affirming
others and using your voicewhere it counts.
So I really, really encourageyou to take step into your kindness
(24:32):
and figure out your line whereyour line lies between being nice
and being kind.
And that's going to bedifferent for everyone.
And step, take steps every daythat step you closer to being kind.
Several ways that you can dothat is by supporting organizations
(24:53):
that promote allyships,allyship and social justice, such
as my favorite, the Trevor Project.
Another is showing up forracial justice.
This is an awesome one.
I will link it in the show notes.
I just came across this andI'm becoming a bigger and bigger
(25:16):
fan.
Human Rights Campaign, again,love it.
And the national alliance forMental Illness, which again, this
one's one that they supportmental health advocacy and is a place
where a lot of our effort canbe used, our advocacy could be used
right now.
(25:36):
So you know, whether it isyour volunteer time, your donations,
your engagement with theseorganizations, in person, online,
whatever you can do to helpamplify their missions.
So just as a really quicksummary, niceness is about comfort.
Kindness is about action.
(25:59):
And I'd love to hear from you.
If you want to share aparticular situation that you've
encountered, reach out to meon my socials, reach out via email,
reach out in the comments, letme know where you've, you know, become
really aware of this in yourlife, where it's perhaps tripped
(26:20):
you up in the past and you'vethought, oh my gosh, now I see the
difference.
Now I see where I could dobetter in the future or do differently
in the future.
So grateful that you were withme today.
Thank you so much for joiningme on this Friday episode.
(26:40):
And if you found thisconversation to be meaningful, please
subscribe, share and leave areview that really helps get this
out to other people who mightjust need a conversation like this.
Might be looking for a podcastlike this and I'd really just appreciate
your help and helping to builda world where kindness leads the
(27:06):
way.
Until next time.
Welcome to beyond the Breath.
I am so glad you are joiningme today.
My name is Heather Hester andI am really excited to talk about
today's topic.
It is actually a little bit ofa teaser for some changes that are
going to be coming in a fewweeks for this podcast.
(01:09):
So today I am going to talkabout the difference between being
nice and being kind.
And I have given this a lot ofthought in recent months, this distinction.
And it actually veryspecifically came up a few weeks
(01:30):
ago when I was talking with afriend of mine and we were.
I can't even remember exactlywhat we were talking about, to be
honest, but it came up thiswhole distinction between what being
nice means and what being kind means.
And it sparked this thoughtthat this is a conversation that
(01:54):
we need to be having andespecially in the context of allyship
and advocating formarginalized communities.
So really what we're going tolook at is an overview, like the
big picture of nice and kind,and then talk about some really specific
(02:16):
examples of where this showsup in our lives and how we can make
some really subtle shifts andperhaps even some big shifts.
But I think it's reallyimportant to point out as we start
that so many of us were raisedto prioritize being nice.
We were always told to benice, be nice to one another, be
(02:40):
nice in public, and reallywhat that equates to is be polite,
use your manners.
Right.
At least in my mind, and Ithink in the mind of many now, there's
obviously many layers to that,but what is the difference between
(03:01):
being nice and prioritizebeing nice as opposed to being kind?
And this is where I foundoften requires kindness, which isn't
always nice.
So let's just hop right in andlet's define what we know niceness
(03:24):
to be and kindness to be.
So niceness is a socialexpectation, like I said, it's often
driven by politeness or anavoidance of conflict.
And it's typically too used tomaintain comfort for yourself, for
(03:46):
everyone around you.
Niceness can come across asbeing fake or insincere.
And it can also be a thinveiled mask of actually the opposite
behavior or the oppositefeeling of quote, unquote, nice.
(04:09):
Right?
So an example of this would besaying, I'm so sorry you feel that
way, which really is insincerein so many ways.
Instead of actually addressingthe harm, I'm sorry that I did this.
(04:31):
I'm sorry that my action, mybehavior made you feel this way.
Right.
So that, that I'm sorry youfeel that way is taking the ownership
out of the equation.
And it's a whole way to smooththings over while avoiding conflict.
(04:53):
Typically it is delivered withthis whole facade of what could otherwise
be described as sweetness, right.
Pleasantness, politeness,kindness, on the other hand, is rooted
in empathy and action and encourage.
(05:14):
And like I just alluded to alittle bit, it may require uncomfortable
honesty or standing up againstinjustice or unfairness or something
that you just view as wrong,perhaps even immoral.
For example, calling out aharmful or cruel joke in a social
(05:41):
setting, which is really hardto do, but it's the kind thing to
do.
It may not come across asquote, unquote nice, Right, but it's
kind.
There's a book called platonicby Dr.
Marissa Franco, who on thistopic I that was so fascinating that
(06:09):
in discussing friendships,which is what the book is about,
that true connection requiresauthenticity, not just surface level
niceness.
So in order to be authentic,right, Our authentic selves and connect
with somebody else in a veryauthentic way, it's goes far beyond
(06:33):
the surface niceness.
So I'd like for you to juststop for a moment with me and think
about a time when you knew youwere being nice for the sake of niceness
or to keep the peace or toavoid confrontation.
(06:57):
And I want you to see if youcan like really remember how that
felt and where you felt thatin your body.
And.
And on top of that, as you'reremembering this, how that makes
you feel now.
And then I'd like for you tothink about a time when you were
(07:19):
kind.
Kind to another human being,showed kindness in a difficult situation.
And I'm wondering, as youthink about that, how did how the
kindness showed up for you?
Did it show up by helping thatperson in some way or acknowledging
(07:41):
the pain that they were in, orstanding in solidarity or even something
as simple as going out of yourway to share words of kindness or
a smile, which is differentthan niceness, Right.
When you think about that, andI'm wondering how that felt, where
(08:05):
you felt that in your body andas you're remembering it right now,
how that feels.
And if you can feel thedifference and really intellectually
connect to the difference andas well as emotionally, mentally,
and just in your body feeling.
(08:26):
So why does being kind orbeing aware of the difference between
being nice and being kindmatter and allyship?
Well, being nice maintains thestatus quo and it avoids the hard
conversations.
(08:47):
Being nice, again, keepseverything right at the surface.
It doesn't go into thosedeeper layers of why allyship is
important.
Who in your life needs you asan ally, what kind of topics are
coming up that perhaps justneed to have a good conversation
(09:10):
or a discussion or need to be addressed?
When we're being nice, wedon't do any of that.
And I just have a little bitof a tangent to go off on here, because
as I was really thinking aboutthis topic, I realized that most
of my life I was nice.
(09:32):
I spent my life, especiallywith my family of origin, being nice
because I knew that's how Icould keep the peace.
I knew that's how I couldsurvive conversations.
That's how I could.
(09:54):
Now, when I really look at itand I really pull things apart for
me, how I could avoiddiscussing things that were uncomfortable.
And it's fascinating because Ithink especially girls and girls
of my generation, so I'm Gen X.
(10:17):
That was something that wasreally emphasized, was for us to
be nice, be nice, be nice, be nice.
And being able to break out ofthat and being able to make this
distinction, discernmentbetween niceness, politeness, and
(10:39):
kindness is really anextraordinary breakthrough.
And for me, it just feels itwas such an aha moment.
So while being nice, like Isaid, can maintain that status quo,
right?
It helps us avoid hard conversations.
(11:01):
Being kind means activelystanding up for those who are marginalized,
even when it's uncomfortable.
And that's the really, reallybig piece.
Even when it's uncomfortableand we talk a lot about discomfort
and leaning into thatdiscomfort and knowing that when
we feel uncomfortable, a lotof times that means that we're doing
(11:26):
the right thing, that we'regrowing, that we are making important
shifts, that we are leaninginto who we are authentically.
Now we can add kindness tothat, right?
There is this.
When we are uncomfortable in asituation that we are, whether we're
standing in solidarity or weare standing up for someone else,
(11:49):
kindness comes into play as well.
So I just want you to add thatto your kind of mental list of as
you are going through.
So here is a really greatexample of the difference between
being nice and being kind whenit comes to allyship.
(12:10):
A teacher who avoidsdiscussing LGBTQ identities to keep
the peace.
Nice versus a teacher whocreates an inclusive environment
despite potential pushback,which is right where we are right
now, right?
This is in this time.
(12:31):
And you can insert your bossat work, your neighbor down the street.
You can replace teacher withany number of things, right?
You can replace LGBTQ with anumber of other people who are being
targeted right now.
(12:51):
So someone who does thisreally, really well and talks about
this in a way that I havefound to be very, very helpful is
Brene Brown, specifically inher book Dare to Lead.
And anybody who's a BreneBrown fan knows that she has written
a lot about this and talksabout it both in her books and on
her podcast.
(13:12):
But one thing that reallystruck me as I was doing a little
bit of research for thisepisode, trying to find different
examples and people that Ireally respect who have discussed
this topic is looking at itlike this.
What is kind and what is unkind?
(13:33):
So in Dare to Lead, Brenetalks about being clear as being
kind and being unclear asbeing unkind.
And the idea here is that shehighlights the importance of being
being clear and direct incommunication, arguing that this
(13:55):
approach is ultimately moreconsiderate than being ambiguous.
And of course that sounds soobvious, right?
But think about when you arein a situation that is uncomfortable,
or when you really want tostand up for somebody, or when you
(14:15):
want to advocate and thinkabout perhaps the feelings that come
up for you that may makethings not clear or may make you
anxious and anxiety is reallyfamous for making things all jumbled
and cloudy and makes you use athousand words when ten would suffice,
(14:38):
right?
So this whole idea of taking areally deep breath and being clear
and direct and calm is moreconsiderate and more kind.
And the benefits are that itrespects others.
(14:59):
Being clear respects otherpeople's intelligence and avoids
leaving them guessing orfeeling misled.
It creates a safe space.
Direct communication can helpestablish trust and build a foundation
for open and honest conversations.
(15:22):
And it can facilitate problemsolving and really talking through
difficult topics.
Clear communication allowspeople to understand the problem,
the expectations, and how toaddress that.
Really discuss back and forthhow to address it and how to solve
(15:48):
it.
Clarity, unclarity, sorry, onthe other hand, is unkind because
it leaves room formisinterpretations, which leads to
misinformation and all of thethings right.
(16:09):
Unclear communication can leadto confusion and misunderstandings,
which causes unnecessarystress and can in the long term be
very, very damaging to relationships.
It actually undermines trust.
People feel disrespected andundervalued when important information
(16:34):
completely left out or justnot communicated well.
Avoiding difficultconversations or being unclear about
expectations can enableindividuals to shirk their responsibilities
or not take responsibility ornot be accountable.
(16:58):
A few examples of how beingunclear is unkind are one giving
half truths or just completelyleaving critical information out
of a statement, aconversation, a discussion to not
(17:21):
clearly communicatingexpectations with somebody that you're
working with, with spouse, apartner, a friend, and a discussion
and three and this is a bigone, talking about people instead
(17:42):
of to them.
So here are a few real lifescenarios where this kind of, you
can kind of see this playingout in.
I included this in herebecause these are kind of shortened
to the point.
But it really shows thedifference between niceness and kindness.
(18:05):
So the first one is in a, anexample in a workplace where a co
worker misgenders a colleague,niceness would be saying nothing
to avoid the awkwardness, justkind of just avoiding it, right?
Looking away, pretending youdidn't hear it.
(18:26):
Kindness would be politelycorrecting them and ensuring your
colleague who is misgenderedfeels supported.
The second real life scenariois in a family conversation where
a relative makes a racist orhomophobic comment.
Niceness would be laughinguncomfortably or changing the subject,
(18:51):
really prioritizing thecomfort of the person who made the
racist or homophobic commentover the rest of the people there.
Kindness would be gently butfirmly explaining why the comment
is harmful or unacceptable.
(19:15):
This actually came up reallyrecently for a situation with one
of my kids where thesignificant other of one of their
friends made a very racist comment.
And so instead of addressingit directly, both the significant
other and the person, thefriend who is dating this person,
(19:37):
neither one of them addressedit, neither one of them took ownership
or accountability.
And instead of kind of doneall types of things, such as dancing
around it, such as doing theI'm sorry that you felt that way.
(20:00):
And it has caused really,really big problems within the greater
group of friends.
Because ultimately, at the endof the day, what niceness does is
it shows character.
(20:21):
And when this is, whenniceness is a behavior that's exerted,
and especially in a way likethis, over and over again, it shows
character and not a great way,as opposed to practicing being kind,
(20:41):
even if it comes out messy,even if it comes out, you know, jumbled,
always better, right?
It feels better to be kindthan it does to be nice.
And I think all of us canthink of a conversation, whether
it is within our families or,or with a friend group, that some
(21:08):
kind of comment has been madethat has needed to be addressed in
some way.
And you can think, you know,if you're thinking back about this,
how was it handled?
Was it handled with niceness?
Was it handled with kindness?
Was it handled with a conversation?
Was it just swept under the rug?
And as you're thinking aboutthis, I don't want this to be an
(21:30):
exercise either of shaming anybody.
This to me is something thatwe all can be better at.
And it's something thatrequires being aware and practice.
So certainly this isn't asituation of, of shaming.
(21:52):
So please don't take this asan opportunity to think about all
the ways that you've messed upand oh my gosh, this is terrible.
I want you to think of this asan opportunity to learn and grow,
which is the way that I havetaken it as well.
And then the final real lifescenario that I want to share with
(22:16):
you is one within communityand community advocacy where a school
board debates inclusive policies.
Being nice would be stayingout of it because it's quote unquote
not your fight.
Being kind would be speakingup even if it makes waves.
(22:40):
And again, this is one thatwe're seeing a lot of now and I believe
that we are going to see a lotmore of.
So as you find this in yourcommunity, whether it's with, with
school boards, with parkboards, with your community delegates
within the larger community ofour state representatives and our
(23:03):
first people think about waysthat we can advocate and how we can
shift from that just surfacelevel niceness to kindness.
Some of the ways that we cando this is to ask yourself, am I
avoiding discomfort or am Ibeing truly compassionate?
(23:26):
Am I making an effort to betruly compassionate?
The second is something thatI've talked about many times before
because it can go across somany different topics and it's using
I statements when addressingtough topics.
(23:46):
For example, I feel it'simportant to fill in the blank instead
of you're wrong.
And this is something thattakes practice and it takes just
a good deal of thought toshift your approach with, with this
(24:06):
if this is one that hastripped you up in the past.
And then finally practicingcourage and small ways, correcting
misinformation when you hearit or when you see it, affirming
others and using your voicewhere it counts.
So I really, really encourageyou to take step into your kindness
(24:32):
and figure out your line whereyour line lies between being nice
and being kind.
And that's going to bedifferent for everyone.
And step, take steps every daythat step you closer to being kind.
Several ways that you can dothat is by supporting organizations
(24:53):
that promote allyships,allyship and social justice, such
as my favorite, the Trevor Project.
Another is showing up forracial justice.
This is an awesome one.
I will link it in the show notes.
I just came across this andI'm becoming a bigger and bigger
(25:16):
fan.
Human Rights Campaign, again,love it.
And the national alliance forMental Illness, which again, this
one's one that they supportmental health advocacy and is a place
where a lot of our effort canbe used, our advocacy could be used
right now.
(25:36):
So you know, whether it isyour volunteer time, your donations,
your engagement with theseorganizations, in person, online,
whatever you can do to helpamplify their missions.
So just as a really quicksummary, niceness is about comfort.
Kindness is about action.
(25:59):
And I'd love to hear from you.
If you want to share aparticular situation that you've
encountered, reach out to meon my socials, reach out via email,
reach out in the comments, letme know where you've, you know, become
really aware of this in yourlife, where it's perhaps tripped
(26:20):
you up in the past and you'vethought, oh my gosh, now I see the
difference.
Now I see where I could dobetter in the future or do differently
in the future.
So grateful that you were withme today.
Thank you so much for joiningme on this Friday episode.
(26:40):
And if you found thisconversation to be meaningful, please
subscribe, share and leave areview that really helps get this
out to other people who mightjust need a conversation like this.
Might be looking for a podcastlike this and I'd really just appreciate
your help and helping to builda world where kindness leads the
(27:06):
way.
Until next time.
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