Keeping the Peace: Boundaries for LGBTQ+ Holiday Parenting

Are you feeling pulled between preserving family peace and protecting your mental health this holiday season?

You're not alone AND you're not doing it wrong. The holidays are often an emotional minefield, especially for parents of LGBTQ+ kids navigating outdated traditions, family dynamics, and identity stress. This episode is your permission slip to pause, breathe, and make room for something more aligned.

Heather Hester offers a powerful, practical conversation about what it means to evolve, not erase, traditions that no longer fit who you or your family are now.

Whether you're a mom, dad, caregiver, or fierce LGBTQ+ ally, you'll learn:

• How to recognize when a tradition has shifted from comforting to constricting
• Scripts for setting boundaries without guilt or apology
• Why honoring your truth is an act of love, not rejection
• How to build new, inclusive rituals rooted in empathy, safety, and healing
• What your child’s nervous system really needs from you this season

This episode offers more than parenting advice, it’s a reframe of what real love looks like during the holidays.

When you, as a parent or ally, set boundaries with clarity and compassion, you model inclusion, emotional regulation, and authenticity. You show your LGBTQ+ child and yourself that they belong just as they are.

You’ll also hear:

• A 5-step “Boundaries With Love” framework you can use today
• Real-life examples from Heather’s own parenting journey
• Tools to dismantle the myth that sameness equals love
• Gentle encouragement to prioritize your family's unique needs

Listen now and take one simple, powerful action: Release the guilt. Embrace the boundary. Rewrite the tradition.

Hi, I’m Heather Hester, and I’m so glad you’re here!

Become a private client

Invite me to speak at your workshop or event

Receive a free excerpt and reflection guide from my book, Parenting with Pride.

Share More Human. More Kind. Please subscribe, rate, and review!

Connect [e-mail]

Buy Me A Coffee

Watch on YouTube

Listen to *NEW* episodes every Tuesday and Friday!

At the heart of my work is a deep commitment to compassion, authenticity, and transformative allyship, especially for those navigating the complexities of parenting LGBTQ+ kids. Through this podcast, speaking, my writing, and the spaces I create, I help people unlearn bias, embrace their full humanity, and foster courageous, compassionate connection.

If you’re in the thick of parenting, allyship, or pioneering a way to lead with love and kindness, I’m here with true, messy, and heart-warming stories, real tools, and grounding support to help you move from fear to fierce, informed action.

Whether you’re listening in, working with me directly, or quietly taking it all in, I see you. And I’m so glad you’re part of this journey.

More Human. More...

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
If you're feeling that tug ofwar between keeping the peace and
keeping your sanity thisholiday season, you're not alone.
And this episode is for you.
Welcome to More Human, MoreKind, the podcast helping parents
of LGBTQ kids move from fearto fierce allyship and feel less

(00:21):
alone and more informed so youcan protect what matters, raise brave
kids, and spark collective change.
Heather.
I'm Heather Hester.
Let's get started.
What happens when thetraditions that once felt comforting
now feel heavy, stressful, orout of alignment?

(00:46):
Today, we're talking about howto lovingly shift family expectations,
set boundaries without guilt,and create holiday rituals that actually
fit who you and your family are.
Now, by the end of thisepisode, you will recognize when
a tradition, a gathering, oran expectation has shifted from comforting

(01:10):
to constricting, and why that matters.
You'll learn language thatlets you set boundaries with clarity
and kindness withoutapologizing for your needs.
And you'll explore ways toreimagine holiday rituals so they
reflect who you and yourfamily are now, not who you used

(01:33):
to be.
And stick around for theunlearn, where we will challenge
the myth that changingtraditions means losing love.
Welcome to More Human, More Kind.
I'm Heather Hester.
If the holidays feel a littledifferent this year, perhaps heavier
or more complicated, moreemotional, you're not imagining it.

(01:58):
Traditions evolve, familiesgrow, identities deepen, and needs
shift.
And even the rituals we onceheld close can begin to feel tight
or misaligned.
Today, we're talking aboutwhat to do when the traditions that

(02:18):
once grounded you now feellike they ask too much of you.
We're talking about how tohonor your history without abandoning
yourself, how to shiftexpectations without burning bridges,
and how to create new ritualsthat feel like home to the family

(02:42):
you're building today.
So take a breath, let yourshoulders soften, and let's begin.
The holidays can be abeautiful swirl of tradition, nostalgia,
family joy, food, and togetherness.

(03:02):
But they can also surface old dynamics.
Emotional landmines, identitystress for LGBTQ youth, and patterns
that no longer fit.
Let's talk about how tonavigate all of this with clarity,
compassion, and keeping ourhumanity intact.

(03:25):
Family traditions hold so many memories.
Laughter, comfort, identity, continuity.
But they can also holdpressure and expectation.
Sometimes we inherit patterns,and sometimes we continue patterns
that served us for a time, butnot anymore.

(03:48):
This is another opportunity topractice expanding your capacity
to hold many truths at once.
You might feel guilty forskipping a gathering, altering a
ritual, staying home insteadof traveling, choosing quiet over
chaos, or protecting yourchild over appeasing extended family.

(04:14):
Every season of life demandsnew boundaries, and every generation
deserves the dignity of evolving.
Healthy boundaries are how wesustain or continue connection without
self abandonment.

(04:35):
In simple terms, boundarieshelp us balance the level of contact
with the problematic people inour life.
The Gottman Institute callsthis loving detachment, which is
the ability to stay connectedwithout losing yourself.
I'll take this one stepfurther and say that boundaries can

(04:56):
be an act of love, a way tohave a relationship or a situationship
without losing sight ofyourself or your autonomy.
Boundaries allow movement,transparency and honesty.
They are a request for respectand communication, not isolation.

(05:22):
And we need this now more than ever.
A 2021 APA survey found that38% of adults cite family obligations
as their top source of holidaystress, and those with poor boundary
clarity experience twice that anxiety.

(06:29):
Holidays are hard not becausewe're doing them wrong, but because
we're trying to do them in away that isn't aligned with who we
are with ourselves or ournuclear family boundaries.
Lighten that load.
You can honor your family'shistory without reenacting your own

(06:49):
exhaustion.
I'm going to repeat that.
You can honor your family'shistory without reenacting your own
exhaustion.
So here is your Boundarieswith Love framework, your step by
step guide for setting holidayboundaries with both clarity and

(07:10):
compassion while keeping yourhumanity intact.
First, identify what is yoursto carry.
Ask yourself, is this mine oris this theirs?
If an expectation causesresentment, dread, or overwhelm,

(07:32):
it's probably not yours.
Further signs that it's notyours are you feel heavy when you
picture it.
You know that you're doing itout of guilt, you're afraid of disappointing
someone.
Or your child's emotionalsafety is at risk.

(07:54):
Let this be your filter.
2.
Communicate before crisis.
Don't wait until you'reoverwhelmed or on the verge of tears.
Set expectations for early.
Here are just a few statementsto try, a few to get your own creativity
rolling on this First I loveyou and this year I'm celebrating

(08:20):
a little differently.
You can also try we'resimplifying the season so we can
be more present or we'reskipping the big gathering.
But we'd love to connect inanother way.
The earlier you speak, thecalmer the response.
And remember, their responseis not your responsibility.

(08:44):
I'm going to repeat that onefor you too.
Their response is not your responsibility.
I think it is important toacknowledge that and say it out loud.
Stand in front of the mirrorand say it.
For all of us who spent manyyears of our lives allowing ourselves

(09:05):
to be controlled by theresponse of others.
This is really hard at first.
It will feel uncomfortable.
Sit through it because on theother side is a huge exhale.
Your nervous system willregulate and you will find peace.

(09:31):
3.
Use compassionate clarity.
Clarity is kind.
Directness is kind.
Vagueness breeds resentment.
Here are some boundarysentences you can use verbatim.
Go ahead and copy these down.

(09:51):
I can't attend this time, butI'd love to FaceTime afterward.
We're simplifying gifts thisyear to focus on connection.
I'm protecting my energy sothat I can be fully present when
we are together.
I'm not available for thatconversation today.

(10:12):
This is clarity with warmth,not defense.
Or create new meaning.
Traditions don't need todisappear, they can evolve and you
can create new ones.
Try morning walks instead of acrowded brunch.

(10:36):
A candlelighting moment for reflection.
Cooking one favorite dishinstead of five.
Having a quiet hour between events.
Donation drives instead ofwhite elephant chaos.
A Come as you are gatheringinstead of dress up pressure.

(11:01):
Honoring LGBTQ kids needs byprioritizing safety over obligation.
Let the holiday reflect whoyour family is now, not who you were
10 years ago.
5.

(11:21):
Expect discomfort, not disaster.
Pushback doesn't mean you'rewrong, it means you've changed the
script again.
Remember, the response to yourboundary isn't yours to manage, it's
theirs.
As therapist Terri Cole says,boundaries reveal the maturity of

(11:44):
the relationship.
Let discomfort be data,information, not danger.
Boundaries hold your truth andgive others the chance to grow.
We'll get to the rest of theepisode in a moment, but if you like

(12:05):
the show, please make sure to subscribe.
Leave a five star review onApple Podcasts.
Watch us on YouTube and sharewith your friends.
So for the first years of ourmarriage and then as each baby arrived,
Steve and I would spendChristmas Eve with his family and

(12:25):
the Chicago suburbs.
And then on Christmas morningwe would get up and drive to Ohio
to spend Christmas Day with my family.
As the kids grew from infantsto toddlers to adolescents, it became
understandably more stressful.
Steve and I wanted to createour own holiday rituals, and we did

(12:47):
begin creating those with our kids.
And the expectations werebecoming just too much for everyone's
nervous systems.
And so we stopped.
And something beautiful happened.
When we stopped, our kids relaxed.

(13:07):
We relaxed.
We were able to begin to enjoythis again the day before, the day
of, the days after felt morespacious, not frantic.
We started our own traditionsand rituals.
We read our special books anddrank our special hot chocolate and

(13:33):
enjoyed our leisurelyChristmas morning, which gets a later
start each year.
My sister used to spendChristmas Eve with us until she got
sick and she would be theofficial one who would write notes
from Santa to each of the kidsbecause they didn't know her handwriting.

(13:54):
And she would sit and drinkwine and watch me put together whatever
crazy thousand piece toy itwas that year.
And we would always watch loveactually together.
In the beginning.
I really worried that thischange would disappoint my parents.
And at first it did, and thenthey more or less accepted it.

(14:20):
That's the thing about boundaries.
They often feel really hard atfirst, but they open the door to
the tradition you actually need.
Today's Unlearn is aboutshedding the myth that changing traditions
means betraying your family.

(14:42):
We've been told if you lovedus, you'd keep everything the same.
But sameness is not love.
Authenticity is.
Evolving.
Traditions means honoring yourtruth, your capacity, and the family
you're raising now.

(15:02):
Choose one expectation thisseason to release or reimagine and
communicate it with clarityand kindness.
When we unlearn the beliefthat love requires sameness, we make
room for connection built onhonesty, not obligation.

(15:26):
Thank you so much for beinghere today, for choosing honesty
over habit and clarity overthe old scripts we've all inherited.
Here's what I hope you carrywith you into the rest of this season.
Boundaries aren't rejection.
They're revelation.

(15:47):
They reveal what your heart needs.
They reveal the shape of thelife you're building.
They reveal what's possiblewhen connection is rooted in truth
rather than obligation.
You get to evolve.
Your traditions get to evolve.

(16:07):
And the people who love youwill adjust, maybe slowly, maybe
imperfectly.
And if they don't, you will be okay.
Your peace creates possibilityfor everyone around you.
New episodes of More Human,More Kind drop every Tuesday and

(16:30):
Friday, so be sure to followand subscribe so you never miss one.
And if you are ready torelease fear, shame, or the patterns
that keep you repeating oldroles you've outgrown.
I'm accepting a few privateclients right now, and you can learn
more at morehumanmorekind.
Com.
Until next time, honor your boundaries.

(16:53):
Honor your truth.
You are worth the space you take.
Sam.