Strength in Softness: Supporting Your LGBTQ Child With Love During the Holidays

Are you constantly bracing for impact this holiday season, snapping at your kids, holding your breath, pushing through?

If you’re a parent of an LGBTQ+ child, an ally, or simply a human feeling stretched thin, this episode invites you to soften, not as a weakness, but as a radical act of strength, love, and nervous system regulation.

In a world that rewards hard edges and overextension, Heather Hester offers a deeply human reframe: softness is how we stay connected to ourselves, to our children, and to what matters most.

Backed by research from Dr. Stephen Porges and personal parenting insight, Heather explores:

• Why emotional softness is a form of strength, not weakness
• How to recognize when your body and parenting are operating in protection mode
• The nervous system science behind soft tone, slower breath, and soft eyes
• Why LGBTQ+ youth especially need softness as a signal of safety and inclusion

You'll walk away with practical, heartfelt guidance on how to:

• Build soft but clear boundaries with extended family, friends, and yourself
• Practice “softer parenting” even in the middle of chaos
• Regulate your nervous system in real time with doable micro-practices
• Use softness as a tool for healing, empathy, and fierce allyship

This episode is for every parent, mom, and ally trying to hold it all together while still showing up with compassion and courage. You’ll learn to recognize your limits—not as failures, but as invitations to return to presence.

Tune in now to discover the simple but powerful ways to lead with love, soften with intention, and create emotional safety for your LGBTQ+ teen, even in the most stressful seasons.

Hi, I’m Heather Hester, and I’m so glad you’re here!

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At the heart of my work is a deep commitment to compassion, authenticity, and transformative allyship, especially for those navigating the complexities of parenting LGBTQ+ kids. Through this podcast, speaking, my writing, and the spaces I create, I help people unlearn bias, embrace their full humanity, and foster courageous, compassionate connection.

If you’re in the thick of parenting, allyship, or pioneering a way to lead with love and kindness, I’m here with true, messy, and heart-warming stories, real tools, and grounding support to help you move from fear to fierce, informed action.

Whether you’re listening in, working with me directly, or

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
In today's episode, you'lllearn why softness isn't something
you earn, it's something youreturn to.
Let's talk about how welcometo More Human, More Kind, the podcast
helping parents of LGBTQ kidsmove from fear to fierce allyship

(00:20):
and feel less alone and moreinformed so you can protect what
matters, raise brave kids, andspark collective change.
I'm Heather Huff.
Esther let's get started.
The world teaches us toharden, especially in seasons of

(00:41):
stress, conflict and holiday overwhelm.
But what if softness is thereal strength?
Today we'll explore how tostay soft, open hearted, grounded,
fully human, even when lifefeels sharp around the edges.

(01:03):
In this episode, you'll learnwhy emotional softness is a form
of strength, not weakness,especially during stressful seasons.
You'll understand howhardening harms connection and how
softness helps you parent,partner and advocate more effectively.

(01:23):
And you'll discover simplepractices to stay soft and open hearted
in the face of conflict,busyness, and holiday expectations.
And stick around until the endfor the unlearn, where we will dismantle
the myth that softness makesyou a doormat.

(01:45):
Welcome to More Human, More Kind.
I'm Heather Hester.
This is a space where wepractice returning to ourselves slowly,
gently, honestly.
A space where softness isn'tsomething to hide, but something
to honor.
Today we're talking about whatit means to stay soft in a season

(02:08):
that often feels hard.
Not soft as in fragile orpassive, soft as in connected, open
hearted, soft as in rooted,soft as in human.
Today we'll explore why thebody wants to harden, how that armor

(02:32):
quietly distances us from thepeople we love, and a few simple
ways to stay open hearted evenwhen you are stretched thin.
Softness is not fragility.
Softness is presence.
It's staying connected toyourself and to others, even when

(02:52):
things feel tense, loud or overwhelming.
Softness looks likeunclenching your jaw when you want
to snap, choosing curiosityinstead of defensiveness, pausing
before reacting, letting lovestay louder than fear, and taking

(03:16):
a breath before you say thething you'll regret.
Being soft doesn't mean being passive.
Being soft means staying inrelationship with yourself.
It means refusing to armor upat the expense of your humanity.
And in a season where everyoneis rushing, bracing and carrying

(03:39):
more than they'll ever admit,softness becomes a gift.
Holiday seasons and the end ofthe year months put our nervous systems
under pressure.
There's more socialinteractions, more expectations,
more emotional landmines, morefamily dynamics, more sensory overwhelm,

(04:04):
just more when we feeloverwhelmed, the body goes into protective
or survival mode that fight,flight or freeze we feel irritable,
defensive.
We clench either our jaw, ourfists, our whole body.

(04:24):
We shut down.
We micromanage.
We turn into people pleasers.
We withdraw.
Research from Dr. StephenPorges shows that softening cues
like gentle tone, slowerbreath, soft facial expressions activate

(04:44):
our ventral vagal system,which restores connection, empathy
and safety.
In other words, softness isnervous system regulation.
Softness is co regulation forour kids.
Softness is how LGBTQ youthlearn in their bones, I am safe here.

(05:09):
And softness expands ourcapacity to show up with humanity.
Wherever you are right now,unclench your jaw.
Drop your shoulders.
Soften your belly.
Exhale.
See how your body changes whenyou soften?

(05:31):
That's what connection feels like.
That's the version of you yourchild needs most.
So here are some grounded,doable practices to weave softness
into your daily life thisholiday season, especially when you
are stressed or stretched thin.

(05:54):
1.
Adopt a slower first response.
Before you respond, pause longenough to sense your body.
Ask yourself, am I speakingfrom tension or truth?
Am I reacting or responding?
This two second pause disruptsthe switch into fight, flight or

(06:19):
freeze.
2.
Tend to micro tensions.
Defaulting to survival orprotection mode.
Starts small, but you can'tsoften a moment you don't feel.
So you need to beginpracticing noticing.
Are your shoulders up up intoyour ears?

(06:41):
Is your jaw tight?
Is your breath shallow?
Are you bracing for something?
Then name it.
For instance, I'm bracing.
Soften one thing.
Maybe it's your shoulders.
Maybe it is taking longer,deeper breaths.

(07:02):
Maybe it's really thinkingabout all the muscles in your face
and relaxing them.
Your brain will follow yourbody's lead.
3.
Use soft eyes with your kids.
Soft eyes are the fastest wayto communicate safety.
Especially with LGBTQ youthwho are used to scanning for danger.

(07:28):
Soft eyes say to them, youdon't have to perform here.
You can be you.
This one shift can transform atense relationship, tense conversation,
just tension.
4.
Ask yourself one softening question.

(07:50):
When you feel triggered, askwhat is the most loving thing I can
do this moment?
Not the easiest, not thefastest, not the most correct, the
most loving.
And let that be your compass.
5.
Give yourself permission tostep away.

(08:12):
Softness is not self sacrifice.
Softness honors your limits.
If you feel yourselftightening or tensing, say I need
a moment.
I'll be right back.
Then take that moment toregulate with three deep breaths,

(08:33):
a little cold water on yourface or the back of your neck, just
standing in a quiet hallway,maybe some gentle stretching or a
grounding touch.
And then you can return tothat situation Softer.
That is self leadership.

(08:56):
Number six.
Practice softer boundaries,soft boundaries.
Sound like that's not a topicI'm discussing today?
Please talk about my childwith respect, let's change the subject.

(09:59):
This is important to me.
I need you to handle it thoughtfully.
Soft equals clear plusgrounded plus kind of.
You can protect without hardening.
Number seven End the day witha soft review before bed.

(10:20):
Ask yourself, where was I soft today?
Where did I harden and whatdid I need in that moment?
This builds awareness andcompassion for yourself and others.
We'll get to the rest of theepisode in a moment, but if you like
the show, please make sure to subscribe.

(10:41):
Leave a five star review onApple Podcasts.
Watch us on YouTube and sharewith your friends.
All of my kids are home as I'mwriting this episode, which I absolutely
love.
I soak in every moment withthem and have endless gratitude for

(11:02):
our relationships and we areall human at 18, 20, 22 and 25.
They are all at beautifuldevelopmental stages of young adulthood,
figuring out how to be anadult, beginning careers in college
and out in the real world.

(11:23):
And for my youngest, livinghis best life as a senior in high
school.
I work from home and right nowI run what is essentially a bed and
breakfast on top of that.
And while it is absolutely solovely, my typical routine is absolutely
smashed until the beginning ofthe year.

(11:46):
So a few days ago, at the endof a particularly long day of meetings
and writing and then cookingand laundry, I just reached my limit.
Two of them were squabblingendlessly back and forth about, of
course, the most ridiculousthing, the dog was barking, a glass
was dropped and broken by theperson cleaning the kitchen.

(12:09):
And after a day of literallyzero peace and forgetting my quick
self care tips, I had had it.
My jaw was tight, my stomachwas in knots, my patients were just
long gone.
I jokingly told my husband inthat moment that I was going to lock
myself in the bathroom until January.

(12:30):
And then I sat down in myoffice, turned my back on the door,
closed my eyes and tookseveral, at least several deep, deep
breaths.
The chaos was still buzzingnearby as I chose to just sit there,
to continue to sit there and breathe.

(12:53):
And that pause allowed me tosoften enough that I did not lose,
allowed me to kind of comeback to myself, to be present.
And then to be human with them.
That moment taught me thatsoftness is something you choose.

(13:19):
Put your hand over your heartright now and take a slow breath
with me and say to yourself, Iam allowed to soften.
And then choose one tiny softact for today.
It might be to speak 10% slower.

(13:41):
Maybe it is to let yourshoulders drop or choose curiosity
instead of certainty or defensiveness.
It could be to greet yourchild with soft eyes.
And it could be to unclenchbefore you respond, these tiny softenings

(14:04):
ripple outward.
Today's Unlearn challenges theidea that softness equals weakness.
Softness means you're a doormat.
We've been told that if youstay soft, people will walk all over
you.
But hardness isn't strength,it's a shield.

(14:28):
What if true strength isstaying open hearted even when the
world tries to close you?
What if softness is yoursuperpower, the thing that lets you
stay connected while stillprotecting what matters?
This week, soften one habitual tension.

(14:49):
Perhaps it's your tone, yourposture, your expectations, your
pace.
Notice how it shifts theenergy all around you.
When we unlearn the myth ofhardness, we return to our truest
selves.
The human, the kind, the courageous.

(15:14):
Thank you so much for spendingthis gentle moment with me.
As you move through thisholiday season, practice softness
with yourself first, then withthe people that you love.
Small softenings change families.
Softness creates safety.
Softness is how we stay human.

(15:37):
New episodes of More Human,More Kind drop every Tuesday and
Friday, so be sure to followand subscribe so you never missed
one.
And if you are ready torelease fear, shame, or the old patterns
that keep you from showing upas your fullest self, I'm accepting
a few private clients right now.

(15:58):
You can learn more at MoreHuman, More Kind.
Until next time, honor yoursoftness and remember that you are
not alone.