April 1, 2025 • 17 mins
Do men really assume a woman is interested in him if she's being nice to him? Should women act cold to avoid this?
Lisa Anderson, Director of Young Adults and host of The Boundless Show for Focus on the Family, discusses the dos and don'ts of prospective dating for single men and women. She discusses being genuine and kind as Christ would want us to be and how to communicate clearly so the other sex understands your intentions.
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Episode Transcript
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S1 (00:30):
We're pleased to have back with us our good friend
Lisa Anderson, who's director of young adults at Focus on
the family and hosts the Boundless Show. It's a radio program,
of course, here, right here on on the weekends and
a podcast. Welcome back. Lisa.
S2 (00:41):
Hey, it is so good to be here.
S1 (00:43):
I need your help with my ignorance today. That's really
what's happening.
S2 (00:46):
Well, so what of the many topics?
S3 (00:50):
Brian here can I help you with.
S2 (00:52):
In your ignorance?
S1 (00:53):
Well, here I am, thinking I'm old enough to know better,
and I'm not. And I'm chatting with my 19 year
old daughter and my wife and my 19 year old
daughter was lamenting about a life change she's going through.
And she's like, listen, I've got a I'm going to
be around a bunch of guys and I have to
put up this coldness, because if I'm nice to guys,
(01:13):
they think I'm romantically interested. And I was like, oh,
come on, here we go. You're hot stuff, huh? You know,
and her mom is like, excuse me, my wife. Uh, Brian,
that is exactly accurate, that if women are nice to men,
men think they're interested to what is happening? Is this true?
S2 (01:31):
Well, I just think it's like, okay, first of all,
the fact that you even responded that way, I think
indicates that it probably is true because first of all, okay,
I don't know many guys who don't think that most
women are interested in them.
S3 (01:46):
Okay. So let's just start out with that. Okay. So
what I think is just fascinating.
S2 (01:51):
Is you'll have these comments and, you know, it's because
women are the exact opposite. Women are going to buy
every product imaginable. They're going to be, you know, running
ten miles a day because they have to lose £10
forever in their life. You know, they're going to be doing.
They're going to Bible studies to figure out how to
fix all their character flaws. And like, what does God
(02:12):
want me to do with my life and all that?
And guys are like, you know what? I'm pretty good.
I'm good.
S3 (02:17):
Yeah.
S1 (02:17):
Never looked better.
S3 (02:19):
Right, exactly. I'm good.
S2 (02:20):
You know, I can, you know, I'm sure XYZ actress
will call me up, you know, at some point here
and want to go out with me. So I think
that's just a perspective situation. But it is funny because
I will say that when I talk to women, there
is this frustration because we almost. And here's where we
shoot ourselves in the foot. It is easy to be
(02:42):
comfortable around men that you don't really care about. You don't.
You just want to be friends? And so you're going
to be your natural self. You're going to be have fun.
You're going to kind of let it all hang out. Well,
that being comfortable, being comfortable with who you are is
very attractive. And so guys tend to gravitate toward that.
Ladies what we do instead to just sabotage ourselves is
(03:03):
then the guys we're interested in, we're all awkward and weird,
and we play hard to get and we try to
be smarter than we are, or we try to sound
more interesting and we're just not. And so then those
guys are like a off putting. And so I think
it is kind of a little perfect storm. And it
is a weird thing. And how do we get beyond that.
S1 (03:22):
Now speaking from the guys side of it. Like I
don't even know what advice to give then. Because what
I would say is, hey, you know, you're a single guy.
There's a girl who's like, talking to you and being
really nice. I mean, I think she might be interested.
I like, what's the sign, then?
S2 (03:37):
Right. Well, and this is where I think really the
ultimate solution has to be in, which is so hard.
Everyone's just going to have to be honest, because you
cannot fake it till you make it. You can't be
someone that you're not. We're all called, especially as believers.
We're called to be kind. And quite frankly, kindness and
engaging and being interested in someone is what will precipitate
(04:01):
interest in you. I always say to women, if you
want to let guys know that you're there and that
you're interested, be kind. Ask them good questions, laugh at
their jokes. You know, be the person that actually cares
about people. And that is an attractive trait. And so
but then when you're not interested, it might just come
down to the point where, you know, ladies, if you're
(04:21):
so friendly and so interesting that every guy thinks that
you're into them, you might just have to have a
series of hard nos right ahead of you, you know? So,
you know, because again, all these guys just think that
they're so amazing and that all these women are interested
and whatever. So I don't know, it's hard and I
think it's just going to be an exercise in taking
(04:42):
the risk and being able to be honest, which all
of us are terrible at anyway.
S1 (04:47):
Yeah. You know, I was even chatting with a younger
friend of mine. She said that on college campus once
she's walking around, just strikes up a conversation with a
guy like, do you remember who started it on campus?
Just was nice. And before they said goodbye, he asked
her out. It was like, oh, she talked to me.
A woman that speaks to me. Wow, this is it.
(05:09):
I mean, and in some respects, you know, from a
guy's perspective, Ron and I always joke about this. Girls
are scary. And so, like, if one of them doesn't
seem so scary, boy, you might have a shot, right?
S2 (05:20):
Yeah. And here's, like, here's my personality flaw in this
sense that always gets me into trouble. I'm someone that
I can't stand when people aren't included. So I'm the
person in the group setting or whatever at church who's
going to make sure that that person is standing up
against the wall? They're enfolded into the situation, into the party,
(05:40):
into the conversation. I don't like it when people are
left out. And so I'm kind of this includer. Okay.
And clearly, like, we know that I love to talk.
I love to ask questions and all of that. So
that's relatively easy. Well, what it does is it kind
of sparks those kind of the loner guys because I'm
going to include them. And this has happened to me
(06:01):
where all of a sudden it is like, oh, Lisa
must be interested in me because no one else noticed
I was here, and now she's talking to me. And
so I have got myself into those kind of situations.
And one time it was a guy considerably younger than me,
and I'm like, let's just do the math on this, that.
S3 (06:20):
This is not even okay. So that was super weird.
S2 (06:23):
I was like literally like little brother territory with him
trying to encourage him. Like, I absolutely would have set
him up with a couple of the other women there.
So then I had to have that hard conversation and
let's not even talk about the time, Brian, where it
happened with my friend's dad. Okay, so.
S3 (06:40):
The other direction. And I'm just.
S2 (06:42):
Like, on what planet.
S3 (06:43):
Am I going to.
S2 (06:44):
Be dating my friend's dad? Okay, that is not okay.
And so it is just a conundrum. And I think
we have to be okay with just saying, like, yeah,
this is not honestly, this is not going to happen. And,
you know, it's funny because it even reminds me of
when I wrote the Dating manifesto and I put it
in the book, a script of how to Turn someone
down because we're so bad at it. And just saying,
(07:06):
you know, something as simple as, hey, thanks for your
interest or thanks for taking me out. You know, if
you did this date, I don't see this going anywhere.
So we need to be comfortable with just saying I
don't see this going anywhere or I don't see you
in that way or whatever, but, um, but maybe having
a collective conversation between the two genders of just. Hey, guys,
(07:27):
FYI that we're not always interested in you. I don't know,
might be a good start, but would you take that
or do you just again think you're so amazing that
no one, no one's going gonna turn you down, I
don't know.
S1 (07:37):
Well, I think some guys would take the. I don't
know if this is going to work out as a challenge. Um,
but yeah, I think directness is what people all long for.
I think that's what they really want. So how how
will a guy like, how do you bring it up
without getting super embarrassed? Because some guys listening now thinking, yeah, yeah, yeah,
but this girl, I know, she's got to be interested.
(07:57):
She's so nice to me.
S2 (07:59):
Yeah. And I do want to say because again, we're
talking generally from a construct of faith here and people
who want to honor God in their relationships, that it's
generally true, but that doesn't make it okay. So I
think we need to trend away from this habit of, like,
I'm just going to ignore him or say something rude,
or be sarcastic or belittle him. I mean, no con,
(08:21):
no construct. Is that okay? So that said, I think,
you know, ladies, you need to choose not to be cold.
But at the same time, this is where I love
that guys are so honest in this space because we
were alluding before the break that, you know, guys like
to be just told things straight. They're not.
S3 (08:41):
Going to.
S2 (08:42):
Get the nuance, they're not going to be like, well,
she said this, but maybe she means this now. Sometimes
they try, like you were saying, like, well, she didn't
say no forever. So maybe.
S3 (08:52):
In a month I'm going to circle back.
S2 (08:54):
Around and.
S3 (08:54):
See what.
S2 (08:55):
If things have changed.
S3 (08:56):
Okay.
S2 (08:57):
They probably won't change. But that's why I've never talked
to a guy who said, I don't want to hear
it straight. You know, I'm afraid to. It'll hurt my
feelings or whatever. All guys are like, will you please
just spell it out? Will you please just tell me
you know what the deal is and stuff. And so, again,
I think it's a cop out for women to choose
(09:18):
to be mean or cold or ignore a guy just
because they're afraid of having the hard conversation. So I
will say for the guys benefit, that yes, if a
woman says she is not interested in going out with you,
it probably means she's not. And if she says no,
I'm just not. If she says no, here's again where
(09:42):
women are going to do you dirty because they're going
to say dumb stuff. They're going to say stuff like, well,
I'm just taking a break from dating. Oh, yeah.
S1 (09:50):
Like, you mean I have a chance to prove it.
S2 (09:52):
Yeah. Yeah. Like, well, first of all, prove it, because
I can, you know, I can tell you that if, uh,
you know, if someone comes along, like one of the
Joneses or something like that, you're probably going to be
back into the dating pool.
S1 (10:05):
That's right.
S2 (10:05):
So. So there's that. But. Or they'll say something like, well,
I'm just not interested right now. Okay. Well, that is
a clue to a guy that okay right now means
right now. So that means this might change. Okay. So
you need to make it very clear when you say that.
And then again you do it kindly and you affirm
still their worth. And you just say, I think we
(10:26):
all need to agree that not everyone has to be
interested in everyone. Because someone asks you out does not
mean that you have to go out with them. And
so it's it's tricky. And I think we have to
be honest. and guys have to be okay with the no.
S1 (10:40):
So then for the single guys, there isn't much getting around.
You know, as she's finishing laughing at your joke, going, hey,
you know, you're beautiful, you're funny. Can I take you out?
Like you have to be that clear, right?
S2 (10:54):
I think, yeah, and I think you need to do it.
But but again, there has to be a little bit
of game with it.
S1 (11:00):
Like, clearly I have no game. I've been married long enough.
It's all gone.
S2 (11:06):
So here's where I'm going to amend what you said, Brian.
Because because again, if this girl if this is just
a guy from church, they don't know each other. Well,
they haven't you know, this is not a declaration of
this guy woke up and had a realization a la
a favorite rom com for a guy to approach a
woman that maybe he's just been in small group with
(11:26):
and be like, you're beautiful. I think you're amazing. That's
kind of there's there's an element of creeper status to that.
S1 (11:32):
Oh, wow.
S2 (11:33):
Like, what have you been watching? Like what? Have you
been stalking my Instagram? Like what? It just makes it
seem like he's a little too intent on her. So
I think guys, like practice just the casual interest. So
it's like maybe something instead. Like, hey, would you ever
be interested in grabbing dinner? I'd love to, you know,
(11:55):
or she says something like, well, I'm reading so and
so book or I'm doing this here. That's really interesting.
Would you ever like to grab dinner and talk about that?
S4 (12:02):
That's pretty good.
S1 (12:04):
So you wouldn't recommend saying something like, you must be
from Tennessee because you're the only ten I see?
S2 (12:11):
Um, I would say that is a hard pass. Yeah. No,
that is that is horrifying. And, um, no, unless you
are so amazing that you can say that and pull
it off and have it be hilarious, which about 0.01%
of the guys are. So I would say don't even
don't even tread into that territory. No. That's horrible. So, um, no,
(12:33):
you need to be casual, like, you know, like I
have other things going on in my life, but maybe
I could make room to do dinner and talk about this.
Or you seem to be an interesting person. Like all
women want to be interesting. They don't want to be like, yeah, hey, I, um,
I'm just lonely. And so I need someone to pay
attention to me. You know, that's just desperate and sad.
S1 (12:53):
Yeah, I'll cross that off the list, too. That was
my next one.
S4 (12:56):
Yeah?
S2 (12:57):
Yeah, exactly. You just want to make a woman feel like. Oh,
I noticed all these women around here, and they're all great,
and I'm healthy enough to just be doing my own thing.
But you seem to be really interesting. And so I'd
like to get to know you a little more. You know,
that kind of thing is going to play well for you.
S1 (13:12):
Now, advise the ladies, how can you, um, be warm
and friendly, but also give out the vibes of don't
just ask me out right away.
S2 (13:23):
Right. So the first thing you need to do is
if you're going to be warm and friendly, you are
warm and friendly to everyone. Okay, so that should be
who you are. So ladies, you're not just going to
be warm and friendly. First of all, to only the
guy you're interested in because that just makes you look desperate.
S4 (13:39):
Spirit.
S2 (13:40):
And that really makes other women mad because you look
two faced. You're just a player. You know you're doing
exactly what you yell at guys about doing and so
don't do it. Okay, so you're going to be friendly
to everyone because I always say, you know, until that
ring is on the finger, this person that you're interacting
with is a brother or sister in Christ. That is it.
(14:01):
The playing field is leveled. No one has singled anyone out.
No one is dating. No one has stated intentions. So
you're going to be friendly to everyone. And then that said,
you're not going to say too often women are friendly,
but they're friendly in a I'll be honest, in a
leading someone on kind of way because they are looking
(14:21):
for affirmation or they're looking for special attention, or they're
looking to be built up in a way that really
they should be getting their identity clearly from other places,
including God himself. And so you have to be that
person who you're you're friendly, but it's kind of like
as you would be friendly to coworkers Workers or to
other people that you're engaging with in ministry, or it's
(14:45):
just kind of, you know, and then you're not responsible
for a way a guy takes that. If the guy
is just like, oh, my goodness, is she actually, like said,
three sentences to me, what in the world does this mean? Well,
then the guy needs to get a clue and you
might have to help him by being honest about that.
But I think just the general friendliness, but not singling
(15:06):
him out in a way of, again, women tend to
do this and guys love it of asking him for
advice or being his best friend or being his confidant. Like,
don't give guys more connection than the level of commitment
you have to them. And so if you're going to
feed that and feed their ego and do that selectively,
you are leading them on. And that is not helpful,
(15:28):
nor is it healthy.
S1 (15:29):
Yeah. I think the big takeaway here is you gave
great advice and it's a miracle that I'm married.
S2 (15:37):
It's good for you that you.
S4 (15:39):
Are my poor wife.
S2 (15:40):
It's funny Brian, all the all the married people that
I talked to who are just like, if something happens
to my spouse, I'm just done.
S4 (15:47):
It's over.
S2 (15:47):
There is no way I can even engage in today's
dating culture like.
S4 (15:51):
I am.
S2 (15:51):
So out of it. So it is pretty funny. You know,
it's it's a yeah, there's maybe there's some classes that
need to be taken. I don't.
S4 (15:58):
Know.
S1 (15:59):
Maybe. But again, we're grateful to our friend Lisa Anderson,
director of young adults at focus on the family and
host of the Boundless Show. Tell people how they can
get more information and take a listen.
S2 (16:09):
Absolutely. If they find us at Boundless Org, they're going
to see all the things, including our articles, our group blog,
our connections to social. Our weekly show, which also, as
Brian said, is right here on Moody Cleveland. So check
it out there. There's more of that at the site,
but really be part of the conversation because we consider
it a community, and we want you to be part
of the experience that we have going into young adulthood
(16:32):
and honoring God in the process. So it's all.
S4 (16:34):
Fun.
S1 (16:35):
All right, boundless org, go check it out. Boundless org.
Thanks again, Lisa Anderson.
We're pleased to have back with us our good friend
Lisa Anderson, who's director of young adults at Focus on
the family and hosts the Boundless Show. It's a radio program,
of course, here, right here on on the weekends and
a podcast. Welcome back. Lisa.
S2 (00:41):
Hey, it is so good to be here.
S1 (00:43):
I need your help with my ignorance today. That's really
what's happening.
S2 (00:46):
Well, so what of the many topics?
S3 (00:50):
Brian here can I help you with.
S2 (00:52):
In your ignorance?
S1 (00:53):
Well, here I am, thinking I'm old enough to know better,
and I'm not. And I'm chatting with my 19 year
old daughter and my wife and my 19 year old
daughter was lamenting about a life change she's going through.
And she's like, listen, I've got a I'm going to
be around a bunch of guys and I have to
put up this coldness, because if I'm nice to guys,
(01:13):
they think I'm romantically interested. And I was like, oh,
come on, here we go. You're hot stuff, huh? You know,
and her mom is like, excuse me, my wife. Uh, Brian,
that is exactly accurate, that if women are nice to men,
men think they're interested to what is happening? Is this true?
S2 (01:31):
Well, I just think it's like, okay, first of all,
the fact that you even responded that way, I think
indicates that it probably is true because first of all, okay,
I don't know many guys who don't think that most
women are interested in them.
S3 (01:46):
Okay. So let's just start out with that. Okay. So
what I think is just fascinating.
S2 (01:51):
Is you'll have these comments and, you know, it's because
women are the exact opposite. Women are going to buy
every product imaginable. They're going to be, you know, running
ten miles a day because they have to lose £10
forever in their life. You know, they're going to be doing.
They're going to Bible studies to figure out how to
fix all their character flaws. And like, what does God
(02:12):
want me to do with my life and all that?
And guys are like, you know what? I'm pretty good.
I'm good.
S3 (02:17):
Yeah.
S1 (02:17):
Never looked better.
S3 (02:19):
Right, exactly. I'm good.
S2 (02:20):
You know, I can, you know, I'm sure XYZ actress
will call me up, you know, at some point here
and want to go out with me. So I think
that's just a perspective situation. But it is funny because
I will say that when I talk to women, there
is this frustration because we almost. And here's where we
shoot ourselves in the foot. It is easy to be
(02:42):
comfortable around men that you don't really care about. You don't.
You just want to be friends? And so you're going
to be your natural self. You're going to be have fun.
You're going to kind of let it all hang out. Well,
that being comfortable, being comfortable with who you are is
very attractive. And so guys tend to gravitate toward that.
Ladies what we do instead to just sabotage ourselves is
(03:03):
then the guys we're interested in, we're all awkward and weird,
and we play hard to get and we try to
be smarter than we are, or we try to sound
more interesting and we're just not. And so then those
guys are like a off putting. And so I think
it is kind of a little perfect storm. And it
is a weird thing. And how do we get beyond that.
S1 (03:22):
Now speaking from the guys side of it. Like I
don't even know what advice to give then. Because what
I would say is, hey, you know, you're a single guy.
There's a girl who's like, talking to you and being
really nice. I mean, I think she might be interested.
I like, what's the sign, then?
S2 (03:37):
Right. Well, and this is where I think really the
ultimate solution has to be in, which is so hard.
Everyone's just going to have to be honest, because you
cannot fake it till you make it. You can't be
someone that you're not. We're all called, especially as believers.
We're called to be kind. And quite frankly, kindness and
engaging and being interested in someone is what will precipitate
(04:01):
interest in you. I always say to women, if you
want to let guys know that you're there and that
you're interested, be kind. Ask them good questions, laugh at
their jokes. You know, be the person that actually cares
about people. And that is an attractive trait. And so
but then when you're not interested, it might just come
down to the point where, you know, ladies, if you're
(04:21):
so friendly and so interesting that every guy thinks that
you're into them, you might just have to have a
series of hard nos right ahead of you, you know? So,
you know, because again, all these guys just think that
they're so amazing and that all these women are interested
and whatever. So I don't know, it's hard and I
think it's just going to be an exercise in taking
(04:42):
the risk and being able to be honest, which all
of us are terrible at anyway.
S1 (04:47):
Yeah. You know, I was even chatting with a younger
friend of mine. She said that on college campus once
she's walking around, just strikes up a conversation with a
guy like, do you remember who started it on campus?
Just was nice. And before they said goodbye, he asked
her out. It was like, oh, she talked to me.
A woman that speaks to me. Wow, this is it.
(05:09):
I mean, and in some respects, you know, from a
guy's perspective, Ron and I always joke about this. Girls
are scary. And so, like, if one of them doesn't
seem so scary, boy, you might have a shot, right?
S2 (05:20):
Yeah. And here's, like, here's my personality flaw in this
sense that always gets me into trouble. I'm someone that
I can't stand when people aren't included. So I'm the
person in the group setting or whatever at church who's
going to make sure that that person is standing up
against the wall? They're enfolded into the situation, into the party,
(05:40):
into the conversation. I don't like it when people are
left out. And so I'm kind of this includer. Okay.
And clearly, like, we know that I love to talk.
I love to ask questions and all of that. So
that's relatively easy. Well, what it does is it kind
of sparks those kind of the loner guys because I'm
going to include them. And this has happened to me
(06:01):
where all of a sudden it is like, oh, Lisa
must be interested in me because no one else noticed
I was here, and now she's talking to me. And
so I have got myself into those kind of situations.
And one time it was a guy considerably younger than me,
and I'm like, let's just do the math on this, that.
S3 (06:20):
This is not even okay. So that was super weird.
S2 (06:23):
I was like literally like little brother territory with him
trying to encourage him. Like, I absolutely would have set
him up with a couple of the other women there.
So then I had to have that hard conversation and
let's not even talk about the time, Brian, where it
happened with my friend's dad. Okay, so.
S3 (06:40):
The other direction. And I'm just.
S2 (06:42):
Like, on what planet.
S3 (06:43):
Am I going to.
S2 (06:44):
Be dating my friend's dad? Okay, that is not okay.
And so it is just a conundrum. And I think
we have to be okay with just saying, like, yeah,
this is not honestly, this is not going to happen. And,
you know, it's funny because it even reminds me of
when I wrote the Dating manifesto and I put it
in the book, a script of how to Turn someone
down because we're so bad at it. And just saying,
(07:06):
you know, something as simple as, hey, thanks for your
interest or thanks for taking me out. You know, if
you did this date, I don't see this going anywhere.
So we need to be comfortable with just saying I
don't see this going anywhere or I don't see you
in that way or whatever, but, um, but maybe having
a collective conversation between the two genders of just. Hey, guys,
(07:27):
FYI that we're not always interested in you. I don't know,
might be a good start, but would you take that
or do you just again think you're so amazing that
no one, no one's going gonna turn you down, I
don't know.
S1 (07:37):
Well, I think some guys would take the. I don't
know if this is going to work out as a challenge. Um,
but yeah, I think directness is what people all long for.
I think that's what they really want. So how how
will a guy like, how do you bring it up
without getting super embarrassed? Because some guys listening now thinking, yeah, yeah, yeah,
but this girl, I know, she's got to be interested.
(07:57):
She's so nice to me.
S2 (07:59):
Yeah. And I do want to say because again, we're
talking generally from a construct of faith here and people
who want to honor God in their relationships, that it's
generally true, but that doesn't make it okay. So I
think we need to trend away from this habit of, like,
I'm just going to ignore him or say something rude,
or be sarcastic or belittle him. I mean, no con,
(08:21):
no construct. Is that okay? So that said, I think,
you know, ladies, you need to choose not to be cold.
But at the same time, this is where I love
that guys are so honest in this space because we
were alluding before the break that, you know, guys like
to be just told things straight. They're not.
S3 (08:41):
Going to.
S2 (08:42):
Get the nuance, they're not going to be like, well,
she said this, but maybe she means this now. Sometimes
they try, like you were saying, like, well, she didn't
say no forever. So maybe.
S3 (08:52):
In a month I'm going to circle back.
S2 (08:54):
Around and.
S3 (08:54):
See what.
S2 (08:55):
If things have changed.
S3 (08:56):
Okay.
S2 (08:57):
They probably won't change. But that's why I've never talked
to a guy who said, I don't want to hear
it straight. You know, I'm afraid to. It'll hurt my
feelings or whatever. All guys are like, will you please
just spell it out? Will you please just tell me
you know what the deal is and stuff. And so, again,
I think it's a cop out for women to choose
(09:18):
to be mean or cold or ignore a guy just
because they're afraid of having the hard conversation. So I
will say for the guys benefit, that yes, if a
woman says she is not interested in going out with you,
it probably means she's not. And if she says no,
I'm just not. If she says no, here's again where
(09:42):
women are going to do you dirty because they're going
to say dumb stuff. They're going to say stuff like, well,
I'm just taking a break from dating. Oh, yeah.
S1 (09:50):
Like, you mean I have a chance to prove it.
S2 (09:52):
Yeah. Yeah. Like, well, first of all, prove it, because
I can, you know, I can tell you that if, uh,
you know, if someone comes along, like one of the
Joneses or something like that, you're probably going to be
back into the dating pool.
S1 (10:05):
That's right.
S2 (10:05):
So. So there's that. But. Or they'll say something like, well,
I'm just not interested right now. Okay. Well, that is
a clue to a guy that okay right now means
right now. So that means this might change. Okay. So
you need to make it very clear when you say that.
And then again you do it kindly and you affirm
still their worth. And you just say, I think we
(10:26):
all need to agree that not everyone has to be
interested in everyone. Because someone asks you out does not
mean that you have to go out with them. And
so it's it's tricky. And I think we have to
be honest. and guys have to be okay with the no.
S1 (10:40):
So then for the single guys, there isn't much getting around.
You know, as she's finishing laughing at your joke, going, hey,
you know, you're beautiful, you're funny. Can I take you out?
Like you have to be that clear, right?
S2 (10:54):
I think, yeah, and I think you need to do it.
But but again, there has to be a little bit
of game with it.
S1 (11:00):
Like, clearly I have no game. I've been married long enough.
It's all gone.
S2 (11:06):
So here's where I'm going to amend what you said, Brian.
Because because again, if this girl if this is just
a guy from church, they don't know each other. Well,
they haven't you know, this is not a declaration of
this guy woke up and had a realization a la
a favorite rom com for a guy to approach a
woman that maybe he's just been in small group with
(11:26):
and be like, you're beautiful. I think you're amazing. That's
kind of there's there's an element of creeper status to that.
S1 (11:32):
Oh, wow.
S2 (11:33):
Like, what have you been watching? Like what? Have you
been stalking my Instagram? Like what? It just makes it
seem like he's a little too intent on her. So
I think guys, like practice just the casual interest. So
it's like maybe something instead. Like, hey, would you ever
be interested in grabbing dinner? I'd love to, you know,
(11:55):
or she says something like, well, I'm reading so and
so book or I'm doing this here. That's really interesting.
Would you ever like to grab dinner and talk about that?
S4 (12:02):
That's pretty good.
S1 (12:04):
So you wouldn't recommend saying something like, you must be
from Tennessee because you're the only ten I see?
S2 (12:11):
Um, I would say that is a hard pass. Yeah. No,
that is that is horrifying. And, um, no, unless you
are so amazing that you can say that and pull
it off and have it be hilarious, which about 0.01%
of the guys are. So I would say don't even
don't even tread into that territory. No. That's horrible. So, um, no,
(12:33):
you need to be casual, like, you know, like I
have other things going on in my life, but maybe
I could make room to do dinner and talk about this.
Or you seem to be an interesting person. Like all
women want to be interesting. They don't want to be like, yeah, hey, I, um,
I'm just lonely. And so I need someone to pay
attention to me. You know, that's just desperate and sad.
S1 (12:53):
Yeah, I'll cross that off the list, too. That was
my next one.
S4 (12:56):
Yeah?
S2 (12:57):
Yeah, exactly. You just want to make a woman feel like. Oh,
I noticed all these women around here, and they're all great,
and I'm healthy enough to just be doing my own thing.
But you seem to be really interesting. And so I'd
like to get to know you a little more. You know,
that kind of thing is going to play well for you.
S1 (13:12):
Now, advise the ladies, how can you, um, be warm
and friendly, but also give out the vibes of don't
just ask me out right away.
S2 (13:23):
Right. So the first thing you need to do is
if you're going to be warm and friendly, you are
warm and friendly to everyone. Okay, so that should be
who you are. So ladies, you're not just going to
be warm and friendly. First of all, to only the
guy you're interested in because that just makes you look desperate.
S4 (13:39):
Spirit.
S2 (13:40):
And that really makes other women mad because you look
two faced. You're just a player. You know you're doing
exactly what you yell at guys about doing and so
don't do it. Okay, so you're going to be friendly
to everyone because I always say, you know, until that
ring is on the finger, this person that you're interacting
with is a brother or sister in Christ. That is it.
(14:01):
The playing field is leveled. No one has singled anyone out.
No one is dating. No one has stated intentions. So
you're going to be friendly to everyone. And then that said,
you're not going to say too often women are friendly,
but they're friendly in a I'll be honest, in a
leading someone on kind of way because they are looking
(14:21):
for affirmation or they're looking for special attention, or they're
looking to be built up in a way that really
they should be getting their identity clearly from other places,
including God himself. And so you have to be that
person who you're you're friendly, but it's kind of like
as you would be friendly to coworkers Workers or to
other people that you're engaging with in ministry, or it's
(14:45):
just kind of, you know, and then you're not responsible
for a way a guy takes that. If the guy
is just like, oh, my goodness, is she actually, like said,
three sentences to me, what in the world does this mean? Well,
then the guy needs to get a clue and you
might have to help him by being honest about that.
But I think just the general friendliness, but not singling
(15:06):
him out in a way of, again, women tend to
do this and guys love it of asking him for
advice or being his best friend or being his confidant. Like,
don't give guys more connection than the level of commitment
you have to them. And so if you're going to
feed that and feed their ego and do that selectively,
you are leading them on. And that is not helpful,
(15:28):
nor is it healthy.
S1 (15:29):
Yeah. I think the big takeaway here is you gave
great advice and it's a miracle that I'm married.
S2 (15:37):
It's good for you that you.
S4 (15:39):
Are my poor wife.
S2 (15:40):
It's funny Brian, all the all the married people that
I talked to who are just like, if something happens
to my spouse, I'm just done.
S4 (15:47):
It's over.
S2 (15:47):
There is no way I can even engage in today's
dating culture like.
S4 (15:51):
I am.
S2 (15:51):
So out of it. So it is pretty funny. You know,
it's it's a yeah, there's maybe there's some classes that
need to be taken. I don't.
S4 (15:58):
Know.
S1 (15:59):
Maybe. But again, we're grateful to our friend Lisa Anderson,
director of young adults at focus on the family and
host of the Boundless Show. Tell people how they can
get more information and take a listen.
S2 (16:09):
Absolutely. If they find us at Boundless Org, they're going
to see all the things, including our articles, our group blog,
our connections to social. Our weekly show, which also, as
Brian said, is right here on Moody Cleveland. So check
it out there. There's more of that at the site,
but really be part of the conversation because we consider
it a community, and we want you to be part
of the experience that we have going into young adulthood
(16:32):
and honoring God in the process. So it's all.
S4 (16:34):
Fun.
S1 (16:35):
All right, boundless org, go check it out. Boundless org.
Thanks again, Lisa Anderson.
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