October 4, 2024 • 31 mins
This episode features Ruwaida Dohry, an Islamic life coach who specializes in helping women heal, grow, and live their best lives with Allah at the center. This episode delves into topics such as spiritual optimism, maintaining positive thinking, the influence of Shaitan, social conditioning, and fostering healthy relationships with oneself and others. The conversation also touches on the challenges and importance of maintaining a positive outlook in life according to Islamic teachings.
Timestamps:
00:00 Introduction
00:41 Spiritual Optimism and Positive Outlook
02:09 Dealing with Hardships and Patience
04:02 Understanding Negative Thinking
12:17 Building Safe Relationships
25:33 Weekly Goals for Personal Growth
29:13 Recommended Books and Final Thoughts
31:17 Conclusion
About Ruwaida Dohry:
Ruwaida Dohry is a certified Islamic Life Coach specializing in empowering women to heal, grow, and live their best lives with Allah at the centre of their journey. Her guiding principle is that spiritual optimism paves the way to a blessed destiny.
Connect with Ruwaida Dohry:
Resources Mentioned:
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Listen to the Podcast:
Connect with Muslim Life Hackers:
Connect with Mifrah Mahroof:
🏖️ This episode is sponsored by Sisters Explore, a company I founded to offer guided small-group travel for Muslim women to connect, explore, and enjoy faith-centered journeys. Learn more at http://www.sisters-explore.com
Disclaimer: Some links in this description are affiliate links.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Ruwaida Dohry (00:00):
Even if someone is treating you really harshly,
(00:02):
You'll be able to see that, thisis coming from them and this is
not a reflection of me or thisis not me.
Asalamu Alaikum and welcome tothe Muslim Life Hackers podcast.
I'm your host Mifrah Mahroof andin today's episode we're going
to be having Ruwaida Dohry joinus.
Ruwaida is an Islamic life coachwho specializes in empowering
(00:24):
women to heal, grow and livetheir best lives with Allah at
the center of their journey.
Her guiding principle is thatspiritual optimism paves the way
for a blessed destiny.
So without further ado, let'sget on to today's show.
Mifrah Mahroof (00:37):
Asalamu Alaikum Ruwaida, welcome to the show.
Ruwaida Dohry (00:39):
Walaikum Assalam, Mifrah.
Thank you for having
Mifrah Mahroof (00:41):
me.
Thank you for Coming on.
So one of the things that youmentioned in your introduction
is that you have a guidingprinciple that spiritual
optimism paves the way to ablessed destiny.
Can you give me a bit more infoabout what that actually means?
Ruwaida Dohry (00:56):
Yeah.
So that's one of the principlesthat I work with personally that
has allowed me to grow as aMuslim.
Basically coming from thatperspective of believing, having
Husn udh-dhann.
Mifrah Mahroof (01:08):
Hmm.
Ruwaida Dohry (01:08):
having a good opinion of Allah, Husn udh-dhann
billah.
So what that essentially meansis we wanna approach religion
from a very positiveperspective, because if we look
at the Quran, if we look at theSunnah, like all of that, those
are pure sources of knowledge,and they are all positive
(01:28):
messages.
And so if we were to followthat, of course, it's going to
lead us to a blessed destiny.
So this is like almost like afight against shaitan because
shaitan is the one that's verynegative.
And for us as human beings, yes,of course, like naturally we do
experience like negativethoughts and all of that.
(01:50):
But then how do we respond tothat as believers, right?
Because for us, we are groundedin the message of Allah, which
is positive.
So
Mifrah Mahroof (02:00):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I see what you mean.
So, I mean, if,
Ruwaida Dohry (02:03):
Islamic
Mifrah Mahroof (02:04):
So, okay, so it's about, a positive outlook
and thinking positive of AllahSWT.
So I wonder though in doingthat, where does the whole thing
about this world being hard andthe hardships and those kinds of
things come into play and how dowe deal with that mindset wise
as well?
Ruwaida Dohry (02:23):
Absolutely.
Yeah.
So if we look at the message ofAllah and the Quran.
Allah tells us like in a versethat he's going to test us,
right?
He's going to test us withhardship, like that is there,
but at the same time, when we gointo these to understand them,
right?
Allah reminds us, like at theend of the verse, like the verse
(02:45):
for example, so there's amessage of like patients, in the
end of the verse, which isessentially like reminding us
like, as a believer, as aMuslim, we need to have this
(03:07):
positive outlook and we need toremain patient because Allah
knows, it's like his wisdom.
He knows better, like we couldnever like, understand sometimes
the hardships that we gothrough, but he knows better for
us.
And he reminds us to be patientbecause he knows how he's going
to reward us like coming out ofthat.
But now the response here iswith patience.
(03:28):
That's the practical tool ofdealing with hardship, and which
is a positive thing.
And Allah describes patience as,Jamil, patience is something
beautiful.
So there's usually, somethingreally beautiful that can come
out of responding to thesehardships in a positive way.
And, like, in another verse,Allah reminds us, like, with
hardship there is ease, and Ithink even from that as well,
(03:51):
it's still a positive messagebecause it's reminding us like
yes hardship is going to bethere and we're going to
experience like all theseproblems but there's ease to
experience this way if werespond well.
Mifrah Mahroof (04:01):
Hmm.
I see.
I see.
So, I guess the question comesup, then why do we have negative
thinking?
Like where is it actually comingfrom?
If our Dean is about positiveoutlook and why is this
something that people arestruggling with these days.
Ruwaida Dohry (04:13):
Yeah and that's a good question really.
I think I see it from threedifferent perspectives, so of
course number one there isshaitan who we know, he wants to
see us miserable he wants to seeus suffer like Allah has told us
in the Quran, like shaitan ourenemy.
We should not follow him and ifwe want to do that, like he's
not our friend.
So he's literally, his missionis for us to fail, right, the
(04:37):
test of this life.
And, as we know it, we werecreated to worship Allah SWT.
And actually our purpose in thisworld is to strive to be better.
At least 1 percent better everyday, because like that's ihsan,
like that's part of worshippingAllah.
That's essentially why we'rehere.
So what shaitan wants to do isto spoil that for us, so that we
(04:59):
don't win.
So that's one negative influencethat of course we know which is
a common one like Allah reminds,don't follow the shaytan, he's
your enemy, right?
So we need to always strive.
To keep our minds like in apositive head space where we are
grounded with the message ofAllah.
We're following the Sunnah ofthe Prophet SAW, and that is
what is eventually going to keepus safe from Shaitan.
(05:22):
That's the first.
The other one is I think, justnaturally as human beings right
the way our brains work.
It's very easy to think ofsomething negative, as opposed
to thinking positively, becausethinking positively takes more
effort.
So let's like just
Mifrah Mahroof (05:38):
Interesting.
Ruwaida Dohry (05:38):
say like practically if I were to wake up
and maybe I'm having a bad day,right?
Maybe I just woke up and I'mfeeling like moody or something
just like I woke up and maybe Imissed the bus, something like
that.
Something just put me off, let'ssay for the day.
It's very easy for me to startand say, oh, I can't get
anything, this is going to be abad thing.
(06:00):
It's very easy to say thosethings.
Okay, but you'll find thatthinking positively will require
us to put in more effort,because then if somebody is
having a bad day, they will haveto like really sit and be like,
okay Yes, I missed the bus.
But what if Allah is protectingme from something.
Mifrah Mahroof (06:17):
It takes more effort.
Ruwaida Dohry (06:17):
Just example, right?
So just like that effort ofthinking positively like yeah,
there's a reason behind this, asto why I experienced this.
So I just want to thinkpositively, for example.
And, so you find that takes moreeffort, because you have to sit
with yourself.
You have to start, speaking withyourself, in a positive way, and
trying to keep your headtogether and, just think
(06:40):
positively about the situation.
So that takes more effort.
And that is why it is rewardedSWT.
Like this journey of striving tobe better, because it takes
work, it takes efforts.
That is what Allah rewards.
And that is what this test isall about.
He created us to test us who isgoing to be better in terms of
(07:00):
actions, in terms of deeds.
So I see it, at least I see itthat way.
And the other thing is like theother negative influence that's
obviously there, it's because oflike, based on the life
experiences that we wentthrough, which comprised of,
let's say, a lot of negativemessages being imprinted onto
our minds, like since we werechildren.
(07:23):
So like what are thepsychosocial factors that
affected us in terms of ourthinking.
So maybe we grew up thinkinglike, I'm going to give an
example, right?
So is this somebody who has beenintroduced to Islam?
in a negative way.
So we take our children, let'ssay, to these madrasas.
But then let's say, theirexperience there was pretty
(07:45):
harsh.
They were constantly beaten asthey're trying to read the words
of Allah.
They were constantly beaten orthey were constantly given the
message of, like, you're goingto be punished, like, Allah is
going to send you to hellfireand all this.
So all of that kind of gets intotheir mind in a negative way and
then then in terms of, like, howwe grow up and how we interact
(08:05):
now with life and how we respondto any sort of like problems
that we will encounter.
So there's that form of message,of course there is like, the
example the kind of environmentthat you grew up in.
So did your parents nurture youto become like a beautiful human
being?
Like did they hmm, give youwords of affirmation, did they
(08:27):
nurture you beautifully?
What are the messages that theygave you was something negative,
like you were constantly blamed,you're constantly punished.
Like all these also factors thatkind of play in terms of that
negative mindset.
And these are like the mainthings, of course.
But then, of course, there's thesocial conditioning as well.
The social conditioning and whatwe expose ourselves to see as
(08:51):
well from the time we were veryyoung and until now.
Even until now, any human beingis still being conditioned,
right?
So it's all about these messagesin terms of what are we
learning?
You'll find that you keepyourself safe.
Like, how do you know, you're inthe right, you're following the
truth, or like, you're followingthe right message.
And if we come to that, then ofcourse, we're going to realize
(09:13):
that only the Book of Allah,which is the Quran, and what the
Prophet SAW left us with, whichis the Sunnah, these are the
pure sources of knowledge.
These are the only pure sourcesof knowledge and like positive
messages that can never bealtered.
And so if we were to followthat, it will get so much easier
(09:33):
to unlearn all these negativethings that we've learned and
even fight shaitan because nowin the Quran, there is your hope
in the son of the prophet.
As you do that, you are changingyour inner self.
You're purifying yourself to bea better person
Mifrah Mahroof (09:48):
Hmm.
So it sounds like, the reasonwhy we keep resorting back to
this negative thinking isbecause that's like the default
that we find ourselves in.
And so by striving more, we canbe able to rise up and think
positively.
And in order to thinkpositively, we should connect
back with the Quran, the Sunnah,the pure sources of knowledge.
(10:09):
So we can find the wisdom inthere and find how our Deen
actually has a lot of messagesof positivity.
And it encourages us to look atthe world through positivity.
And then the interesting thingis that in turn, our children
will also benefit because now wewere positive ourselves.
Then we can also set that rolemodel so that conditioning and
that environment for ourchildren will also be a positive
(10:32):
one as well.
So it has so many layers to it,Subhanallah.
Ruwaida Dohry (10:36):
Yeah, SubhanAllah.
It's really something beautiful.
And I want to emphasize, it'snot an easy journey.
A lot of people struggle withthis.
They're like, I have thisnegative mindset, like, how can
I come out of this?
But the thing is, as long as wehave the Quran, and as long as
we have that willingness,because we have free will at the
end of the day, so I always tellmyself, remind myself, and when
(10:57):
I walk with my clients, I remindthem, remember about free will,
and that in life, you alwayshave a choice.
So like, which message are yougoing to, do you want to
willingly, lean on to?
Is it something that is going toserve you or something that's
going to destroy you?
Mifrah Mahroof (11:12):
Hmm.
True.
Ruwaida Dohry (11:13):
Yeah.
So it's not easy, but it's soworthwhile.
Like, along the journey, becauselike I said, this is how Allah
rewards us.
It is about us becoming,striving to be better every day,
even if it's 1%.
Such
Mifrah Mahroof (11:27):
a, that's such a good reminder.
Ruwaida Dohry (11:29):
So like to challenge those false beliefs,
very crucial to challenge thosefalse beliefs and to really
fight the negativity.
Mifrah Mahroof (11:37):
It's interesting you know, I appreciate that you
mentioned that this journeyisn't an easy one to actually
get out of that mindset becausetoo many times we can do this
work, we can try to be morepositive and then we wake up
like one day and we're stillnegative.
Or like, we did so much work, wedid so well, and then it's like
you drop and you're negativeagain, but it's like you're
saying, this is part of thejourney, this is part of this
(11:59):
dunya experience in which weneed to keep striving to better
ourselves, and it's a reallygood reminder that it's not
going to be easy, right?
Ruwaida Dohry (12:07):
Yes, definitely, 100%.
Yeah, not easy but veryrewarding.
Mifrah Mahroof (12:15):
Yeah.
Ruwaida Dohry (12:16):
Like, that's the ultimate
Mifrah Mahroof (12:16):
yeah.
treasury.
Yeah, true, true.
So one of the things that youmentioned during our pre
interview that we had was abouthaving a safe relationship and
you can be able to create saferelationships with other people
once you create a saferelationship with yourself which
I found it to be veryinteresting because it's like
how we interact with otherpeople is a direct reflection on
(12:38):
how we interact with ourselves,so tell me more, how do you
actually create that saferelationship with yourself.
Ruwaida Dohry (12:45):
So SubhanAllah, like this life, of course, like
as human beings, we are socialbeings.
But that social aspect of thehuman creation, like it really
starts with ourselves.
Like before you build anyrelationship with another
person, right, it has to startwith you.
Okay, and this is something thata lot of people like, in my
(13:07):
journey, like working withclients that I see them
struggling with.
So let me just break it downlike this.
So I see life that it is allabout three relationships Okay,
it is all about threerelationships and the first
relationship
Mifrah Mahroof (13:23):
Three relationships,
Ruwaida Dohry (13:24):
Allah SWT, Yeah, three relationships, your
relationship with Allah SWT,your relationship with yourself,
and then your relationship withothers.
Okay, so these are like thethree key relationships.
Now, before you become a goodperson, like interact with
others in a healthy way, youneed to be grounded in a very
(13:46):
self relationship with yourselffirst and foremost.
But that cannot be achieved ifwe have negative relationship
with Allah SWT.
So, to know Allah in terms oflike who He is, that helps us
build a safer relationship withourselves, right?
In the sense that if we want tofollow Allah's command and to
(14:07):
live life according to thelimits that He has set for us.
That is us essentiallyrespecting.
Ourselves, because we know that,you know, Taqwa leads to safety,
like what Allah wants for us.
It has always been good.
It has always been a positivemessage.
Allah wants us to succeed.
In this life and in thehereafter.
And so like really sitting andtrying to have this, self
(14:31):
reflection about like how is myrelationship with Allah?
So understanding Allah who he isfirst and what he wants for you
and then being able to buildthat relationship with ourself
Okay, and with that, it willultimately, help you relate
better with others.
Because now, all your threerelationships, all these three
relationships are grounded in avery, Alhamdulillah, positive
(14:55):
message.
I'll tell you something, that Iexperience with my clients, when
I tell them, I usually say,inner speech is the first step
to your healing journey.
Like if you're experiencing anyproblems, if you're experiencing
any sort of like, you're goingthrough hardship, or just on a
path or on a journey to bebetter.
Inner speech is very powerful.
(15:16):
So what do I mean by that isthat self dialogue.
What are you telling yourself?
And this is how we startbuilding that relationship with
the self.
So a lot of my clients, whenthey're new to this, even
myself, when I was new to this.
I used to be like, I'm speakingto myself, right?
But then the result of that is,was like, it was so soothing for
(15:37):
me when I started doing this,right?
It was so soothing.
I found myself being able tofeel much calmer when I'm like,
reassuring myself that it's allgoing to be okay, let's say
you're going through a hardphase, but you're assuring
yourself, it's going to be okay,and then back to those negative,
messages that we talked about interms of what is our self
dialogue like, because you'llfind that a lot of people
(15:58):
struggle with saying thatthey're not good enough, they're
not worthy, they can't doanything, like success is not
for them.
So you find, that people say alot of these things.
So when I work with my clientsand initially when I start
telling them, challenge that,like start speaking gently to
yourself, start speakingcompassionately to yourself.
So they say but that's crazy.
Like, I'm not used to that.
Like, how do I start talking tomyself?
(16:21):
But there's a difference betweentalking to yourself, the way
people understand it, like itwould be crazy if I just sit
here and talk to myself, like Ilook crazy, but there's a
difference between talking toyourself and talking with
yourself.
So that word there is veryimportant, like talking with
yourself.
You're not just talking toyourself, but you're talking
(16:42):
with yourself because there hasalways been that relationship
with the self that needed to benurtured.
Mifrah Mahroof (16:48):
Hmm, I see,
Ruwaida Dohry (16:50):
And SubhanAllah, even the couple days, like, I'm
doing some research on theSunnah and going deeper into the
hadiths of the ProphetSallallahu Alaihi Wasallam.
And you find that even theProphet, Sallallahu Alaihi
Wasallam, had this in a dialoguethat he had.
And sometimes it was likeexpressed verbally, like people
could hear him.
But this essentially was aconversation with himself,
(17:12):
right?
And whenever he used to speaklike that, it was more on asking
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala togrant him like patience, right?
So he would reflect on theprevious prophets and how they
dealt with their own hajj, theirown trials and you would remind
himself in that moment.
Let's say like a Prophet MusaAS, experienced tremendous type
(17:33):
of hardship.
But he was able to be patient,allow me to be patient.
So that was the conversation sothis is what I mean by,
Mifrah Mahroof (17:40):
part of the du'as that he was
Ruwaida Dohry (17:41):
yourself, because ultimately, it is so sacred.
Mifrah Mahroof (17:45):
Sorry, was that, part of the du'as he was asking
that gave a glimpse into whathis inner dialogue was?
Ruwaida Dohry (17:52):
Yes.
Mifrah Mahroof (17:53):
I see.
Ruwaida Dohry (17:54):
Yes, part of dua, part of like having a
conversation with the innerself, but also like it is sacred
because you are also having aconversation with Allah.
So another thing like I can addto that is that people think
like, you know building ourrelationship with Allah SWT is
just like when we're praying andwe're sujood and we're asking
(18:14):
him, but actually we can build arelationship with Allah at any
given point.
Like when you're doing yourlaundry, for example, you're
doing your house chores.
You can be having like aconversation with Allah, cannot
be having a conversation withyourself that is going to lead
you to let's say a prayer.
Asking Allah to create ease foryou, I think.
So these two relationships arevery much connected, like your
(18:36):
relationship with yourself andyour relationship with Allah.
And essentially that leads you,like, when you have a better
self understanding, that leadsyou to automatically, relate
better with others.
Because now when you, spendingtime with people, of course,
like good people, because we'retold we need to nurture good
relationships.
Relationships that are good forus.
So when you find yourself, likeyou'll find yourself relating to
(18:59):
others in a way that isrespectful, in a way that, you
know, you're upholding yourboundaries and so on, because
you now have like a clearer selfunderstanding.
You know what you want, right?
You know your values.
It is ultimately like just ajourney of like self discovery
and really finding out like whatare my values?
Yeah, what is important to me?
(19:20):
What is meaningful to me?
Mifrah Mahroof (19:21):
It's very interesting how you say the
inner dialogue that we have withourselves reflects how we treat
other people, right?
And I reflect on that when Iactually come across people who
might, be negative in theirspeech or try to put you down or
put their ideas into you, and alot of the times, I feel sorry
for them because they have anunsafe relationship with
(19:43):
themselves for them to speaklike that to somebody else.
And it's got nothing to do withme, that's what I noticed.
And it's a lot to do with theirown reality, Subhanallah.
Ruwaida Dohry (19:53):
Absolutely.
And thank you for bringing thatup because that's very key and
that's very important.
So let's take empathy, forexample.
If we're not able to likenurture empathy for ourselves,
we're not going have
Mifrah Mahroof (20:05):
empathy for others.
Exactly, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Ruwaida Dohry (20:07):
period, right?
but if we have that, we havetaken our time to build that
safe relationship withourselves.
We are first and foremost liketrying to be empathetic for
ourselves, right?
And we're trying to always becompassionate with ourselves.
We're trying to create likereally a meaningful relationship
with ourselves.
(20:28):
You will find yourself, evenattracting like the right
relationships.
Because you will be going forpeople who are compatible with
you in terms of your valuesystem.
If that wasn't there,essentially, we're not nurturing
the self, even interacting withothers.
We're going to come off likevery negative, very negative
people, very toxic as well, likewith toxic traits and all of
(20:50):
that.
So yeah, it's all connectedreally, like having a good
personal relationship withyourself, having a very strong
relationship with Allahsubhanahu wa ta'ala, and then
having a good relationship
Mifrah Mahroof (21:01):
with So others.
So I get the part about seekingout friendships that are once
you do that work on yourself andyou're positive with yourself,
then you will likely attractpeople like that.
But what would you do if youhave family members who are
negative?
So you've worked on yourself,you're now positive, but your
family members are tad negative.
It's like, how do you actuallydeal with that?
Because they're not likefriends, you can't just get rid
(21:23):
of them, right?
Ruwaida Dohry (21:25):
Of course, and that's real, that's reality for
us.
That's life for us.
Like we're going to have toxicfamily members or like people
who are close to us but thenthey're toxic in a way.
It takes a lot of grace to dealwith that, but what I can say is
you see like we go back tohaving that strong relationship
(21:45):
with yourself and that's solike, when you have a safe
relationship with yourself, youwill know better how to deal
with that specific situation andalso like having a strong
relationship with Allah.
So we'll go back to what doesAllah tell us about family?
and you find that no matter whatAllah told us, we can't cut off
family.
Like that's something that hehas forbidden us to do.
(22:08):
So it's important to take thatmessage and then fully
understand it from the sense ofthere's wisdom in this, like
Allah knows better why he hassaid this to us.
But at the same time, okay, letme look at how can I protect
myself?
Even as I'm dealing with thesekinds of relationships.
So now the aspect of protectingyourself is where the self work
is like knowing your boundaries,knowing what you're going to
(22:30):
accept and what you won'taccept, like respectfully.
So like, let's say somebody ismistreating you or someone is
disrespecting you, it's okay tohave boundaries and tell this
person like respectfully, that'snot allowed, or you don't
appreciate that of them.
There's a way of really likeexpressing ourselves beautifully
when we follow the Sunnah of theProphet Sallallahu Alaihi
Wasallam, because I he was thegreatest man who ever lived in
(22:53):
this time.
At the same time, he faced a lotof toxic people in his life, how
did he deal with them?
So that's really somethingimportant to reflect and you
will see that there was so muchcompassion, there was so much
empathy, and you'd be surprised,how am I going to get the
courage to do that?
But SubhanAllah, there'ssomething beautiful in that,
because it then teaches you thatthis is not about the other
(23:16):
person, this has always beenabout you.
So if you continue purifyingyourself in this beautiful way,
you're going to fall in lovewith yourself.
You're going to reallyappreciate, like, even these
positive traits that you havefor yourself.
And no one is going to take thataway from you.
Even if someone is treating youreally harshly, you'll be able
to not personalize that.
You'll be able to see that, thisis coming from them and this is
(23:39):
not a reflection of me or thisis not me.
So what I can do is I cancontinue being committed to my
values.
I can continue authenticallybeing the person that I want to
be.
Like, who do I want to be?
In this situation, as much as itis hard, but like, how do I want
to show up in this situation?
And in what way am I going toshow up, which is going to make
(24:01):
me proud of myself?
I know at the end of this, I'vepleased Allah SWT and I've
protected myself in that, I'veprotected my
Mifrah Mahroof (24:10):
yeah That's a very good point.
Ruwaida Dohry (24:12):
So it's never about the other people It's
really this is all about you andyou'll be surprised that,
subhanAllah, this can eveninspire the other people.
Because that's the intention, toalways express beautiful things
to be with these beautiful humanbeings so that we can inspire
others to behave and that's whatthe Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi
Wasallam did.
He inspired others to be better.
Mifrah Mahroof (24:33):
Yeah, that's very true.
It's a good point theymentioned.
It's, it comes back to youagain, because it's sometimes we
give our power away to otherpeople thinking, oh, they're
being negative, so it'saffecting me.
But it's actually not aboutthem.
It's about us and how strong andconfident we are in knowing
ourselves.
How strong is our relationshipwith Allah Subhanallah?
How strong is our relationshipwith ourselves?
(24:54):
Because once you know yourself,it's like a fortress, you can't
just get things blowing thatfortress easily, right?
Ruwaida Dohry (24:59):
I really love the way you say it.
Yes, SubhanAllah.
And you mentioned that wordpower.
Like, essentially, it's that usreclaiming our power back.
Mifrah Mahroof (25:06):
Yeah, and that prevents us from falling into
the whole victimhood, becausenow it's like, no, I have free
choice.
I have the power in thissituation to decide how I'm
going to take this and react anddeal with this situation.
Ruwaida Dohry (25:18):
100%.
Mifrah Mahroof (25:19):
Nice.
Awesome.
Okay.
we're actually getting close tothe end of our interview.
So I'd like to ask a fewquestions that we ask all our
guests.
So the first question that Ihave here is what's one life
hack that's improved your life?
Ruwaida Dohry (25:33):
I love that.
Best of everything that I'm likewith our conversation was around
like about relationship withourselves relationship with
Allah and relationship withothers, my life hack that I
would recommend that Ipersonally do and since I
started doing this like it haschanged my life for the better
SubhanAllah, like I cannotemphasize on it, and this is one
(25:53):
of the framework that I've alsogiven to my clients.
And so essentially, you want tohave three weekly goals, always,
in your life.
And these three weekly goals,they will look like, personal
goal, number one is personalgoal, number two is social goal,
and number three is spiritualgoal.
So what is one personal goalthat I'm going to set for myself
(26:14):
for a week, right?
So basically like you're goinginto each new week having these
three goals in mind, What issomething personal that I want
to do for myself.
And that personal goal couldlook like maybe reading a book,
or maybe taking yourself for awalk, or doing some exercise.
So
Mifrah Mahroof (26:31):
can better myself
Ruwaida Dohry (26:32):
care of your well being in terms of whether it's
Yeah, just to get better as aperson and to take care of your
well being, so whether that'smentally, whether that's
emotionally.
And then, you want to have alsoa spiritual goal, which is, what
do I want to do for Allah thisweek?
What is something extra?
Of course, we have already ourfive daily prayers and
(26:54):
everything, but what is really,like, because it's all about
setting those intentions, right?
And these goals are aboutintentionality.
So you want to be intentionalabout like, how do I want to
please Allah this week?
What is my spiritual goal?
do I want to fast maybe like ona Thursday or on a Monday?
Do I want to like wake up likein the middle of the night, just
(27:15):
me and Allah and really prayand, ask for the things that
maybe I want to accomplish.
It could look like that, right?
Sometimes it could look likereading rukia on yourself.
Sometimes it could look likemaybe morning dhikr.
So just like, there's a fewexamples.
But it's essentially aboutbuilding that relationship with
Allah.
And then the social goal is whatis something, that I can do for
(27:37):
others.
So, do I want to spend qualitytime with my parents?
Do I want to spend quality timewith my children?
Do I want to, let's say, havelost touch with a good friend?
Do I want to call them and do Iwant to catch up maybe, on a
coffee date or something likethat?
And sometimes social goal canalso look like very simple
(27:59):
things like I'll smile at myneighbor today.
Like as simple as that.
Or I'm going to like begsomething for a special person,
something like this, or evenlike donate, right?
Donate charity, that's reallyimportant as well.
What do I want to do next?
Like, my money, maybe I want todo this on a Friday, like just
essentially something socialthat is going to uplift you
(28:21):
because studies show that, whenyou have that social element in
your life.
If you're not nurturing thatsocial aspect in your life, it
is proven that you're going tobe much healthier and
Mifrah Mahroof (28:32):
Hmm,
Ruwaida Dohry (28:33):
much happier.
Hmm, Nice.
Right?
So people who are really happyare also people who serve
others.
So like, how do I want to showup for the people around me?
Or like, what has Allah told meabout the social dynamics,
right?
and then just like beingintentional about those goals.
So having those three goals isso key.
Every week you must have those
Mifrah Mahroof (28:51):
3 goals.
I like it, very nice andsimplistic.
Ruwaida Dohry (28:53):
As you continue and as you're consistent with
that, you'll be building areally strong relationship with
yourself, with Allah and withothers.
Mifrah Mahroof (29:00):
Yeah, it does right, because there's three
goals,
Ruwaida Dohry (29:03):
Very
Mifrah Mahroof (29:03):
yeah, because there's three goals actually
goes back to those threeconnections that you were
saying, and it builds it upslowly, and it's very doable,
yeah, Alhamdulillah, that'sreally nice, thanks for sharing.
And, second question I have hereis, what's a book that's helped
you level up in your life?
Ruwaida Dohry (29:18):
So, I'm gonna be honest with this question,
because I feel like, first andforemost, I want to say that the
only book that will reallyinspire you, that will really
change your life, is the Quran.
Okay, I know of course, readingbooks is very important, but I
wanted to emphasize like, that'sthe first important book that
(29:39):
everybody needs to read andunderstand, right?
So the Quran, because what I'veseen even for me, reading other
books, yes, their concepts aregonna come up, but I'm already
seeing that.
This is already in the Quran,like Allah has already told me
this, right?
So a lot of people write aboutgood things, productive things,
but then we already have that inour religion.
We already have those Islamictraditions from the Quran and
(29:59):
Sunnah.
So having said that, the otherbooks that I can recommend, or
have transformed in myselfpersonally, are books about
Ustadh Yasmin Mogahed, ofcourse, Reclaim Your Heart, and
then there's the other book thatcame out, Healing the Emptiness.
For me personally, I look up toher, and her books, what have
really helped me transformmyself.
Mifrah Mahroof (30:21):
Beautiful.
Yeah.
I remember reading her firstbook, Reclaiming Your Heart, and
it was a nice, it was a verygood read.
Alhamdulillah.
Okay.
Awesome, and the fun one is,where can our listeners find you
online?
Ruwaida Dohry (30:32):
Okay, people can find me on Instagram.
I go by a life within.
And the reason as to why I chosethat username is because I want
people to realize that this lifeis all about like the inner
world.
What inner world.
are you creating?
Because that is what is gonnalead you to have a beautiful
world as well.
Mifrah Mahroof (30:49):
That's true.
Ruwaida Dohry (30:50):
So I go by a life within.
My full name is Ruwaida Dohry.
I'm a certified life coach, andalso a therapist in training at
the moment so they can find methere.
Otherwise my email isruwaida@alifewithin.com and I
also started a podcast likerecently back in Ramadan.
And, my podcast, goes by,Alifewithin
Mifrah Mahroof (31:11):
Awesome.
Ruwaida Dohry (31:11):
podcast, so like when you search that on Spotify,
you can
Mifrah Mahroof (31:15):
Awesome.
Wonderful.
Thank you so much, Ruwaida, forcoming on today.
Ruwaida Dohry (31:19):
Alhamdulillah, it was an honor being here, I'm
really glad that, Alhamdulillah,we did this, it was really
beneficial conversation,Alhamdulillah, for ourselves,
for us, and InshaAllah for theaudience, I hope they benefit.
Mifrah Mahroof (31:31):
Hey everyone.
That wraps up another episodefrom the Muslim Life Hackers
podcast.
I really hope you enjoyed ourchat today.
I've got some great takeaways.
if you like what you heard anddon't want to miss out on our
next conversations, hit thatsubscribe button on YouTube,
Apple Podcasts, Spotify, orwherever you're listening to
this from.
It means a lot to us, and ithelps us reach more people who
can benefit from this show.
(31:51):
Thank you again for tuning in.
Until next time, keep strivingand getting better every day.
Even if someone is treating you really harshly,
(00:02):
You'll be able to see that, thisis coming from them and this is
not a reflection of me or thisis not me.
Asalamu Alaikum and welcome tothe Muslim Life Hackers podcast.
I'm your host Mifrah Mahroof andin today's episode we're going
to be having Ruwaida Dohry joinus.
Ruwaida is an Islamic life coachwho specializes in empowering
(00:24):
women to heal, grow and livetheir best lives with Allah at
the center of their journey.
Her guiding principle is thatspiritual optimism paves the way
for a blessed destiny.
So without further ado, let'sget on to today's show.
Mifrah Mahroof (00:37):
Asalamu Alaikum Ruwaida, welcome to the show.
Ruwaida Dohry (00:39):
Walaikum Assalam, Mifrah.
Thank you for having
Mifrah Mahroof (00:41):
me.
Thank you for Coming on.
So one of the things that youmentioned in your introduction
is that you have a guidingprinciple that spiritual
optimism paves the way to ablessed destiny.
Can you give me a bit more infoabout what that actually means?
Ruwaida Dohry (00:56):
Yeah.
So that's one of the principlesthat I work with personally that
has allowed me to grow as aMuslim.
Basically coming from thatperspective of believing, having
Husn udh-dhann.
Mifrah Mahroof (01:08):
Hmm.
Ruwaida Dohry (01:08):
having a good opinion of Allah, Husn udh-dhann
billah.
So what that essentially meansis we wanna approach religion
from a very positiveperspective, because if we look
at the Quran, if we look at theSunnah, like all of that, those
are pure sources of knowledge,and they are all positive
(01:28):
messages.
And so if we were to followthat, of course, it's going to
lead us to a blessed destiny.
So this is like almost like afight against shaitan because
shaitan is the one that's verynegative.
And for us as human beings, yes,of course, like naturally we do
experience like negativethoughts and all of that.
(01:50):
But then how do we respond tothat as believers, right?
Because for us, we are groundedin the message of Allah, which
is positive.
So
Mifrah Mahroof (02:00):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I see what you mean.
So, I mean, if,
Ruwaida Dohry (02:03):
Islamic
Mifrah Mahroof (02:04):
So, okay, so it's about, a positive outlook
and thinking positive of AllahSWT.
So I wonder though in doingthat, where does the whole thing
about this world being hard andthe hardships and those kinds of
things come into play and how dowe deal with that mindset wise
as well?
Ruwaida Dohry (02:23):
Absolutely.
Yeah.
So if we look at the message ofAllah and the Quran.
Allah tells us like in a versethat he's going to test us,
right?
He's going to test us withhardship, like that is there,
but at the same time, when we gointo these to understand them,
right?
Allah reminds us, like at theend of the verse, like the verse
(02:45):
for example, so there's amessage of like patients, in the
end of the verse, which isessentially like reminding us
like, as a believer, as aMuslim, we need to have this
(03:07):
positive outlook and we need toremain patient because Allah
knows, it's like his wisdom.
He knows better, like we couldnever like, understand sometimes
the hardships that we gothrough, but he knows better for
us.
And he reminds us to be patientbecause he knows how he's going
to reward us like coming out ofthat.
But now the response here iswith patience.
(03:28):
That's the practical tool ofdealing with hardship, and which
is a positive thing.
And Allah describes patience as,Jamil, patience is something
beautiful.
So there's usually, somethingreally beautiful that can come
out of responding to thesehardships in a positive way.
And, like, in another verse,Allah reminds us, like, with
hardship there is ease, and Ithink even from that as well,
(03:51):
it's still a positive messagebecause it's reminding us like
yes hardship is going to bethere and we're going to
experience like all theseproblems but there's ease to
experience this way if werespond well.
Mifrah Mahroof (04:01):
Hmm.
I see.
I see.
So, I guess the question comesup, then why do we have negative
thinking?
Like where is it actually comingfrom?
If our Dean is about positiveoutlook and why is this
something that people arestruggling with these days.
Ruwaida Dohry (04:13):
Yeah and that's a good question really.
I think I see it from threedifferent perspectives, so of
course number one there isshaitan who we know, he wants to
see us miserable he wants to seeus suffer like Allah has told us
in the Quran, like shaitan ourenemy.
We should not follow him and ifwe want to do that, like he's
not our friend.
So he's literally, his missionis for us to fail, right, the
(04:37):
test of this life.
And, as we know it, we werecreated to worship Allah SWT.
And actually our purpose in thisworld is to strive to be better.
At least 1 percent better everyday, because like that's ihsan,
like that's part of worshippingAllah.
That's essentially why we'rehere.
So what shaitan wants to do isto spoil that for us, so that we
(04:59):
don't win.
So that's one negative influencethat of course we know which is
a common one like Allah reminds,don't follow the shaytan, he's
your enemy, right?
So we need to always strive.
To keep our minds like in apositive head space where we are
grounded with the message ofAllah.
We're following the Sunnah ofthe Prophet SAW, and that is
what is eventually going to keepus safe from Shaitan.
(05:22):
That's the first.
The other one is I think, justnaturally as human beings right
the way our brains work.
It's very easy to think ofsomething negative, as opposed
to thinking positively, becausethinking positively takes more
effort.
So let's like just
Mifrah Mahroof (05:38):
Interesting.
Ruwaida Dohry (05:38):
say like practically if I were to wake up
and maybe I'm having a bad day,right?
Maybe I just woke up and I'mfeeling like moody or something
just like I woke up and maybe Imissed the bus, something like
that.
Something just put me off, let'ssay for the day.
It's very easy for me to startand say, oh, I can't get
anything, this is going to be abad thing.
(06:00):
It's very easy to say thosethings.
Okay, but you'll find thatthinking positively will require
us to put in more effort,because then if somebody is
having a bad day, they will haveto like really sit and be like,
okay Yes, I missed the bus.
But what if Allah is protectingme from something.
Mifrah Mahroof (06:17):
It takes more effort.
Ruwaida Dohry (06:17):
Just example, right?
So just like that effort ofthinking positively like yeah,
there's a reason behind this, asto why I experienced this.
So I just want to thinkpositively, for example.
And, so you find that takes moreeffort, because you have to sit
with yourself.
You have to start, speaking withyourself, in a positive way, and
trying to keep your headtogether and, just think
(06:40):
positively about the situation.
So that takes more effort.
And that is why it is rewardedSWT.
Like this journey of striving tobe better, because it takes
work, it takes efforts.
That is what Allah rewards.
And that is what this test isall about.
He created us to test us who isgoing to be better in terms of
(07:00):
actions, in terms of deeds.
So I see it, at least I see itthat way.
And the other thing is like theother negative influence that's
obviously there, it's because oflike, based on the life
experiences that we wentthrough, which comprised of,
let's say, a lot of negativemessages being imprinted onto
our minds, like since we werechildren.
(07:23):
So like what are thepsychosocial factors that
affected us in terms of ourthinking.
So maybe we grew up thinkinglike, I'm going to give an
example, right?
So is this somebody who has beenintroduced to Islam?
in a negative way.
So we take our children, let'ssay, to these madrasas.
But then let's say, theirexperience there was pretty
(07:45):
harsh.
They were constantly beaten asthey're trying to read the words
of Allah.
They were constantly beaten orthey were constantly given the
message of, like, you're goingto be punished, like, Allah is
going to send you to hellfireand all this.
So all of that kind of gets intotheir mind in a negative way and
then then in terms of, like, howwe grow up and how we interact
(08:05):
now with life and how we respondto any sort of like problems
that we will encounter.
So there's that form of message,of course there is like, the
example the kind of environmentthat you grew up in.
So did your parents nurture youto become like a beautiful human
being?
Like did they hmm, give youwords of affirmation, did they
(08:27):
nurture you beautifully?
What are the messages that theygave you was something negative,
like you were constantly blamed,you're constantly punished.
Like all these also factors thatkind of play in terms of that
negative mindset.
And these are like the mainthings, of course.
But then, of course, there's thesocial conditioning as well.
The social conditioning and whatwe expose ourselves to see as
(08:51):
well from the time we were veryyoung and until now.
Even until now, any human beingis still being conditioned,
right?
So it's all about these messagesin terms of what are we
learning?
You'll find that you keepyourself safe.
Like, how do you know, you're inthe right, you're following the
truth, or like, you're followingthe right message.
And if we come to that, then ofcourse, we're going to realize
(09:13):
that only the Book of Allah,which is the Quran, and what the
Prophet SAW left us with, whichis the Sunnah, these are the
pure sources of knowledge.
These are the only pure sourcesof knowledge and like positive
messages that can never bealtered.
And so if we were to followthat, it will get so much easier
(09:33):
to unlearn all these negativethings that we've learned and
even fight shaitan because nowin the Quran, there is your hope
in the son of the prophet.
As you do that, you are changingyour inner self.
You're purifying yourself to bea better person
Mifrah Mahroof (09:48):
Hmm.
So it sounds like, the reasonwhy we keep resorting back to
this negative thinking isbecause that's like the default
that we find ourselves in.
And so by striving more, we canbe able to rise up and think
positively.
And in order to thinkpositively, we should connect
back with the Quran, the Sunnah,the pure sources of knowledge.
(10:09):
So we can find the wisdom inthere and find how our Deen
actually has a lot of messagesof positivity.
And it encourages us to look atthe world through positivity.
And then the interesting thingis that in turn, our children
will also benefit because now wewere positive ourselves.
Then we can also set that rolemodel so that conditioning and
that environment for ourchildren will also be a positive
(10:32):
one as well.
So it has so many layers to it,Subhanallah.
Ruwaida Dohry (10:36):
Yeah, SubhanAllah.
It's really something beautiful.
And I want to emphasize, it'snot an easy journey.
A lot of people struggle withthis.
They're like, I have thisnegative mindset, like, how can
I come out of this?
But the thing is, as long as wehave the Quran, and as long as
we have that willingness,because we have free will at the
end of the day, so I always tellmyself, remind myself, and when
(10:57):
I walk with my clients, I remindthem, remember about free will,
and that in life, you alwayshave a choice.
So like, which message are yougoing to, do you want to
willingly, lean on to?
Is it something that is going toserve you or something that's
going to destroy you?
Mifrah Mahroof (11:12):
Hmm.
True.
Ruwaida Dohry (11:13):
Yeah.
So it's not easy, but it's soworthwhile.
Like, along the journey, becauselike I said, this is how Allah
rewards us.
It is about us becoming,striving to be better every day,
even if it's 1%.
Such
Mifrah Mahroof (11:27):
a, that's such a good reminder.
Ruwaida Dohry (11:29):
So like to challenge those false beliefs,
very crucial to challenge thosefalse beliefs and to really
fight the negativity.
Mifrah Mahroof (11:37):
It's interesting you know, I appreciate that you
mentioned that this journeyisn't an easy one to actually
get out of that mindset becausetoo many times we can do this
work, we can try to be morepositive and then we wake up
like one day and we're stillnegative.
Or like, we did so much work, wedid so well, and then it's like
you drop and you're negativeagain, but it's like you're
saying, this is part of thejourney, this is part of this
(11:59):
dunya experience in which weneed to keep striving to better
ourselves, and it's a reallygood reminder that it's not
going to be easy, right?
Ruwaida Dohry (12:07):
Yes, definitely, 100%.
Yeah, not easy but veryrewarding.
Mifrah Mahroof (12:15):
Yeah.
Ruwaida Dohry (12:16):
Like, that's the ultimate
Mifrah Mahroof (12:16):
yeah.
treasury.
Yeah, true, true.
So one of the things that youmentioned during our pre
interview that we had was abouthaving a safe relationship and
you can be able to create saferelationships with other people
once you create a saferelationship with yourself which
I found it to be veryinteresting because it's like
how we interact with otherpeople is a direct reflection on
(12:38):
how we interact with ourselves,so tell me more, how do you
actually create that saferelationship with yourself.
Ruwaida Dohry (12:45):
So SubhanAllah, like this life, of course, like
as human beings, we are socialbeings.
But that social aspect of thehuman creation, like it really
starts with ourselves.
Like before you build anyrelationship with another
person, right, it has to startwith you.
Okay, and this is something thata lot of people like, in my
(13:07):
journey, like working withclients that I see them
struggling with.
So let me just break it downlike this.
So I see life that it is allabout three relationships Okay,
it is all about threerelationships and the first
relationship
Mifrah Mahroof (13:23):
Three relationships,
Ruwaida Dohry (13:24):
Allah SWT, Yeah, three relationships, your
relationship with Allah SWT,your relationship with yourself,
and then your relationship withothers.
Okay, so these are like thethree key relationships.
Now, before you become a goodperson, like interact with
others in a healthy way, youneed to be grounded in a very
(13:46):
self relationship with yourselffirst and foremost.
But that cannot be achieved ifwe have negative relationship
with Allah SWT.
So, to know Allah in terms oflike who He is, that helps us
build a safer relationship withourselves, right?
In the sense that if we want tofollow Allah's command and to
(14:07):
live life according to thelimits that He has set for us.
That is us essentiallyrespecting.
Ourselves, because we know that,you know, Taqwa leads to safety,
like what Allah wants for us.
It has always been good.
It has always been a positivemessage.
Allah wants us to succeed.
In this life and in thehereafter.
And so like really sitting andtrying to have this, self
(14:31):
reflection about like how is myrelationship with Allah?
So understanding Allah who he isfirst and what he wants for you
and then being able to buildthat relationship with ourself
Okay, and with that, it willultimately, help you relate
better with others.
Because now, all your threerelationships, all these three
relationships are grounded in avery, Alhamdulillah, positive
(14:55):
message.
I'll tell you something, that Iexperience with my clients, when
I tell them, I usually say,inner speech is the first step
to your healing journey.
Like if you're experiencing anyproblems, if you're experiencing
any sort of like, you're goingthrough hardship, or just on a
path or on a journey to bebetter.
Inner speech is very powerful.
(15:16):
So what do I mean by that isthat self dialogue.
What are you telling yourself?
And this is how we startbuilding that relationship with
the self.
So a lot of my clients, whenthey're new to this, even
myself, when I was new to this.
I used to be like, I'm speakingto myself, right?
But then the result of that is,was like, it was so soothing for
(15:37):
me when I started doing this,right?
It was so soothing.
I found myself being able tofeel much calmer when I'm like,
reassuring myself that it's allgoing to be okay, let's say
you're going through a hardphase, but you're assuring
yourself, it's going to be okay,and then back to those negative,
messages that we talked about interms of what is our self
dialogue like, because you'llfind that a lot of people
(15:58):
struggle with saying thatthey're not good enough, they're
not worthy, they can't doanything, like success is not
for them.
So you find, that people say alot of these things.
So when I work with my clientsand initially when I start
telling them, challenge that,like start speaking gently to
yourself, start speakingcompassionately to yourself.
So they say but that's crazy.
Like, I'm not used to that.
Like, how do I start talking tomyself?
(16:21):
But there's a difference betweentalking to yourself, the way
people understand it, like itwould be crazy if I just sit
here and talk to myself, like Ilook crazy, but there's a
difference between talking toyourself and talking with
yourself.
So that word there is veryimportant, like talking with
yourself.
You're not just talking toyourself, but you're talking
(16:42):
with yourself because there hasalways been that relationship
with the self that needed to benurtured.
Mifrah Mahroof (16:48):
Hmm, I see,
Ruwaida Dohry (16:50):
And SubhanAllah, even the couple days, like, I'm
doing some research on theSunnah and going deeper into the
hadiths of the ProphetSallallahu Alaihi Wasallam.
And you find that even theProphet, Sallallahu Alaihi
Wasallam, had this in a dialoguethat he had.
And sometimes it was likeexpressed verbally, like people
could hear him.
But this essentially was aconversation with himself,
(17:12):
right?
And whenever he used to speaklike that, it was more on asking
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala togrant him like patience, right?
So he would reflect on theprevious prophets and how they
dealt with their own hajj, theirown trials and you would remind
himself in that moment.
Let's say like a Prophet MusaAS, experienced tremendous type
(17:33):
of hardship.
But he was able to be patient,allow me to be patient.
So that was the conversation sothis is what I mean by,
Mifrah Mahroof (17:40):
part of the du'as that he was
Ruwaida Dohry (17:41):
yourself, because ultimately, it is so sacred.
Mifrah Mahroof (17:45):
Sorry, was that, part of the du'as he was asking
that gave a glimpse into whathis inner dialogue was?
Ruwaida Dohry (17:52):
Yes.
Mifrah Mahroof (17:53):
I see.
Ruwaida Dohry (17:54):
Yes, part of dua, part of like having a
conversation with the innerself, but also like it is sacred
because you are also having aconversation with Allah.
So another thing like I can addto that is that people think
like, you know building ourrelationship with Allah SWT is
just like when we're praying andwe're sujood and we're asking
(18:14):
him, but actually we can build arelationship with Allah at any
given point.
Like when you're doing yourlaundry, for example, you're
doing your house chores.
You can be having like aconversation with Allah, cannot
be having a conversation withyourself that is going to lead
you to let's say a prayer.
Asking Allah to create ease foryou, I think.
So these two relationships arevery much connected, like your
(18:36):
relationship with yourself andyour relationship with Allah.
And essentially that leads you,like, when you have a better
self understanding, that leadsyou to automatically, relate
better with others.
Because now when you, spendingtime with people, of course,
like good people, because we'retold we need to nurture good
relationships.
Relationships that are good forus.
So when you find yourself, likeyou'll find yourself relating to
(18:59):
others in a way that isrespectful, in a way that, you
know, you're upholding yourboundaries and so on, because
you now have like a clearer selfunderstanding.
You know what you want, right?
You know your values.
It is ultimately like just ajourney of like self discovery
and really finding out like whatare my values?
Yeah, what is important to me?
(19:20):
What is meaningful to me?
Mifrah Mahroof (19:21):
It's very interesting how you say the
inner dialogue that we have withourselves reflects how we treat
other people, right?
And I reflect on that when Iactually come across people who
might, be negative in theirspeech or try to put you down or
put their ideas into you, and alot of the times, I feel sorry
for them because they have anunsafe relationship with
(19:43):
themselves for them to speaklike that to somebody else.
And it's got nothing to do withme, that's what I noticed.
And it's a lot to do with theirown reality, Subhanallah.
Ruwaida Dohry (19:53):
Absolutely.
And thank you for bringing thatup because that's very key and
that's very important.
So let's take empathy, forexample.
If we're not able to likenurture empathy for ourselves,
we're not going have
Mifrah Mahroof (20:05):
empathy for others.
Exactly, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Ruwaida Dohry (20:07):
period, right?
but if we have that, we havetaken our time to build that
safe relationship withourselves.
We are first and foremost liketrying to be empathetic for
ourselves, right?
And we're trying to always becompassionate with ourselves.
We're trying to create likereally a meaningful relationship
with ourselves.
(20:28):
You will find yourself, evenattracting like the right
relationships.
Because you will be going forpeople who are compatible with
you in terms of your valuesystem.
If that wasn't there,essentially, we're not nurturing
the self, even interacting withothers.
We're going to come off likevery negative, very negative
people, very toxic as well, likewith toxic traits and all of
(20:50):
that.
So yeah, it's all connectedreally, like having a good
personal relationship withyourself, having a very strong
relationship with Allahsubhanahu wa ta'ala, and then
having a good relationship
Mifrah Mahroof (21:01):
with So others.
So I get the part about seekingout friendships that are once
you do that work on yourself andyou're positive with yourself,
then you will likely attractpeople like that.
But what would you do if youhave family members who are
negative?
So you've worked on yourself,you're now positive, but your
family members are tad negative.
It's like, how do you actuallydeal with that?
Because they're not likefriends, you can't just get rid
(21:23):
of them, right?
Ruwaida Dohry (21:25):
Of course, and that's real, that's reality for
us.
That's life for us.
Like we're going to have toxicfamily members or like people
who are close to us but thenthey're toxic in a way.
It takes a lot of grace to dealwith that, but what I can say is
you see like we go back tohaving that strong relationship
(21:45):
with yourself and that's solike, when you have a safe
relationship with yourself, youwill know better how to deal
with that specific situation andalso like having a strong
relationship with Allah.
So we'll go back to what doesAllah tell us about family?
and you find that no matter whatAllah told us, we can't cut off
family.
Like that's something that hehas forbidden us to do.
(22:08):
So it's important to take thatmessage and then fully
understand it from the sense ofthere's wisdom in this, like
Allah knows better why he hassaid this to us.
But at the same time, okay, letme look at how can I protect
myself?
Even as I'm dealing with thesekinds of relationships.
So now the aspect of protectingyourself is where the self work
is like knowing your boundaries,knowing what you're going to
(22:30):
accept and what you won'taccept, like respectfully.
So like, let's say somebody ismistreating you or someone is
disrespecting you, it's okay tohave boundaries and tell this
person like respectfully, that'snot allowed, or you don't
appreciate that of them.
There's a way of really likeexpressing ourselves beautifully
when we follow the Sunnah of theProphet Sallallahu Alaihi
Wasallam, because I he was thegreatest man who ever lived in
(22:53):
this time.
At the same time, he faced a lotof toxic people in his life, how
did he deal with them?
So that's really somethingimportant to reflect and you
will see that there was so muchcompassion, there was so much
empathy, and you'd be surprised,how am I going to get the
courage to do that?
But SubhanAllah, there'ssomething beautiful in that,
because it then teaches you thatthis is not about the other
(23:16):
person, this has always beenabout you.
So if you continue purifyingyourself in this beautiful way,
you're going to fall in lovewith yourself.
You're going to reallyappreciate, like, even these
positive traits that you havefor yourself.
And no one is going to take thataway from you.
Even if someone is treating youreally harshly, you'll be able
to not personalize that.
You'll be able to see that, thisis coming from them and this is
(23:39):
not a reflection of me or thisis not me.
So what I can do is I cancontinue being committed to my
values.
I can continue authenticallybeing the person that I want to
be.
Like, who do I want to be?
In this situation, as much as itis hard, but like, how do I want
to show up in this situation?
And in what way am I going toshow up, which is going to make
(24:01):
me proud of myself?
I know at the end of this, I'vepleased Allah SWT and I've
protected myself in that, I'veprotected my
Mifrah Mahroof (24:10):
yeah That's a very good point.
Ruwaida Dohry (24:12):
So it's never about the other people It's
really this is all about you andyou'll be surprised that,
subhanAllah, this can eveninspire the other people.
Because that's the intention, toalways express beautiful things
to be with these beautiful humanbeings so that we can inspire
others to behave and that's whatthe Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi
Wasallam did.
He inspired others to be better.
Mifrah Mahroof (24:33):
Yeah, that's very true.
It's a good point theymentioned.
It's, it comes back to youagain, because it's sometimes we
give our power away to otherpeople thinking, oh, they're
being negative, so it'saffecting me.
But it's actually not aboutthem.
It's about us and how strong andconfident we are in knowing
ourselves.
How strong is our relationshipwith Allah Subhanallah?
How strong is our relationshipwith ourselves?
(24:54):
Because once you know yourself,it's like a fortress, you can't
just get things blowing thatfortress easily, right?
Ruwaida Dohry (24:59):
I really love the way you say it.
Yes, SubhanAllah.
And you mentioned that wordpower.
Like, essentially, it's that usreclaiming our power back.
Mifrah Mahroof (25:06):
Yeah, and that prevents us from falling into
the whole victimhood, becausenow it's like, no, I have free
choice.
I have the power in thissituation to decide how I'm
going to take this and react anddeal with this situation.
Ruwaida Dohry (25:18):
100%.
Mifrah Mahroof (25:19):
Nice.
Awesome.
Okay.
we're actually getting close tothe end of our interview.
So I'd like to ask a fewquestions that we ask all our
guests.
So the first question that Ihave here is what's one life
hack that's improved your life?
Ruwaida Dohry (25:33):
I love that.
Best of everything that I'm likewith our conversation was around
like about relationship withourselves relationship with
Allah and relationship withothers, my life hack that I
would recommend that Ipersonally do and since I
started doing this like it haschanged my life for the better
SubhanAllah, like I cannotemphasize on it, and this is one
(25:53):
of the framework that I've alsogiven to my clients.
And so essentially, you want tohave three weekly goals, always,
in your life.
And these three weekly goals,they will look like, personal
goal, number one is personalgoal, number two is social goal,
and number three is spiritualgoal.
So what is one personal goalthat I'm going to set for myself
(26:14):
for a week, right?
So basically like you're goinginto each new week having these
three goals in mind, What issomething personal that I want
to do for myself.
And that personal goal couldlook like maybe reading a book,
or maybe taking yourself for awalk, or doing some exercise.
So
Mifrah Mahroof (26:31):
can better myself
Ruwaida Dohry (26:32):
care of your well being in terms of whether it's
Yeah, just to get better as aperson and to take care of your
well being, so whether that'smentally, whether that's
emotionally.
And then, you want to have alsoa spiritual goal, which is, what
do I want to do for Allah thisweek?
What is something extra?
Of course, we have already ourfive daily prayers and
(26:54):
everything, but what is really,like, because it's all about
setting those intentions, right?
And these goals are aboutintentionality.
So you want to be intentionalabout like, how do I want to
please Allah this week?
What is my spiritual goal?
do I want to fast maybe like ona Thursday or on a Monday?
Do I want to like wake up likein the middle of the night, just
(27:15):
me and Allah and really prayand, ask for the things that
maybe I want to accomplish.
It could look like that, right?
Sometimes it could look likereading rukia on yourself.
Sometimes it could look likemaybe morning dhikr.
So just like, there's a fewexamples.
But it's essentially aboutbuilding that relationship with
Allah.
And then the social goal is whatis something, that I can do for
(27:37):
others.
So, do I want to spend qualitytime with my parents?
Do I want to spend quality timewith my children?
Do I want to, let's say, havelost touch with a good friend?
Do I want to call them and do Iwant to catch up maybe, on a
coffee date or something likethat?
And sometimes social goal canalso look like very simple
(27:59):
things like I'll smile at myneighbor today.
Like as simple as that.
Or I'm going to like begsomething for a special person,
something like this, or evenlike donate, right?
Donate charity, that's reallyimportant as well.
What do I want to do next?
Like, my money, maybe I want todo this on a Friday, like just
essentially something socialthat is going to uplift you
(28:21):
because studies show that, whenyou have that social element in
your life.
If you're not nurturing thatsocial aspect in your life, it
is proven that you're going tobe much healthier and
Mifrah Mahroof (28:32):
Hmm,
Ruwaida Dohry (28:33):
much happier.
Hmm, Nice.
Right?
So people who are really happyare also people who serve
others.
So like, how do I want to showup for the people around me?
Or like, what has Allah told meabout the social dynamics,
right?
and then just like beingintentional about those goals.
So having those three goals isso key.
Every week you must have those
Mifrah Mahroof (28:51):
3 goals.
I like it, very nice andsimplistic.
Ruwaida Dohry (28:53):
As you continue and as you're consistent with
that, you'll be building areally strong relationship with
yourself, with Allah and withothers.
Mifrah Mahroof (29:00):
Yeah, it does right, because there's three
goals,
Ruwaida Dohry (29:03):
Very
Mifrah Mahroof (29:03):
yeah, because there's three goals actually
goes back to those threeconnections that you were
saying, and it builds it upslowly, and it's very doable,
yeah, Alhamdulillah, that'sreally nice, thanks for sharing.
And, second question I have hereis, what's a book that's helped
you level up in your life?
Ruwaida Dohry (29:18):
So, I'm gonna be honest with this question,
because I feel like, first andforemost, I want to say that the
only book that will reallyinspire you, that will really
change your life, is the Quran.
Okay, I know of course, readingbooks is very important, but I
wanted to emphasize like, that'sthe first important book that
(29:39):
everybody needs to read andunderstand, right?
So the Quran, because what I'veseen even for me, reading other
books, yes, their concepts aregonna come up, but I'm already
seeing that.
This is already in the Quran,like Allah has already told me
this, right?
So a lot of people write aboutgood things, productive things,
but then we already have that inour religion.
We already have those Islamictraditions from the Quran and
(29:59):
Sunnah.
So having said that, the otherbooks that I can recommend, or
have transformed in myselfpersonally, are books about
Ustadh Yasmin Mogahed, ofcourse, Reclaim Your Heart, and
then there's the other book thatcame out, Healing the Emptiness.
For me personally, I look up toher, and her books, what have
really helped me transformmyself.
Mifrah Mahroof (30:21):
Beautiful.
Yeah.
I remember reading her firstbook, Reclaiming Your Heart, and
it was a nice, it was a verygood read.
Alhamdulillah.
Okay.
Awesome, and the fun one is,where can our listeners find you
online?
Ruwaida Dohry (30:32):
Okay, people can find me on Instagram.
I go by a life within.
And the reason as to why I chosethat username is because I want
people to realize that this lifeis all about like the inner
world.
What inner world.
are you creating?
Because that is what is gonnalead you to have a beautiful
world as well.
Mifrah Mahroof (30:49):
That's true.
Ruwaida Dohry (30:50):
So I go by a life within.
My full name is Ruwaida Dohry.
I'm a certified life coach, andalso a therapist in training at
the moment so they can find methere.
Otherwise my email isruwaida@alifewithin.com and I
also started a podcast likerecently back in Ramadan.
And, my podcast, goes by,Alifewithin
Mifrah Mahroof (31:11):
Awesome.
Ruwaida Dohry (31:11):
podcast, so like when you search that on Spotify,
you can
Mifrah Mahroof (31:15):
Awesome.
Wonderful.
Thank you so much, Ruwaida, forcoming on today.
Ruwaida Dohry (31:19):
Alhamdulillah, it was an honor being here, I'm
really glad that, Alhamdulillah,we did this, it was really
beneficial conversation,Alhamdulillah, for ourselves,
for us, and InshaAllah for theaudience, I hope they benefit.
Mifrah Mahroof (31:31):
Hey everyone.
That wraps up another episodefrom the Muslim Life Hackers
podcast.
I really hope you enjoyed ourchat today.
I've got some great takeaways.
if you like what you heard anddon't want to miss out on our
next conversations, hit thatsubscribe button on YouTube,
Apple Podcasts, Spotify, orwherever you're listening to
this from.
It means a lot to us, and ithelps us reach more people who
can benefit from this show.
(31:51):
Thank you again for tuning in.
Until next time, keep strivingand getting better every day.
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