August 3, 2024 • 46 mins
In this episode, Shehzad Hanif joins the show to discuss the challenges single Muslims face in finding a partner. He explore how subconscious beliefs and childhood experiences can hinder the marriage search. The conversation delves into the importance of self-worth, positive self-talk, and making meaningful duas.
Timestamps:
00:00 Introduction
01:02 Challenges in Finding a Suitable Partner
04:16 The Role of Childhood
09:39 Understanding Subconscious Influences
15:47 Healing Childhood Wounds
22:16 Understanding Allah's Love
24:25 Self-Love
28:14 The Impact of Parental Relationships
33:30 The Power of Positive Affirmations
38:14 Gratitude and Positive Self-Talk
About Shehzad Hanif:
Guidance Coaching founder Shehzad Hanif is a certified Muslim Life Coach. He has helped Muslims all over the world Find their Soulmate Effortlessly. using his unique 4 step LOVE formula ❤️
Connect with Shehzad Hanif:
Resources Mentioned:
Unleash the Power Within by Tony Robbins
Sign up to the Muslim Life Hackers newsletter: https://muslimlifehackers.substack.com
Listen to the Podcast:
Connect with Muslim Life Hackers:
Connect with Mifrah Mahroof:
🏖️ This episode is sponsored by Sisters Explore, a company I founded to offer guided small-group travel for Muslim women to connect, explore, and enjoy faith-centered journeys. Learn more at http://www.sisters-explore.com
Disclaimer: Some links in this description are affiliate links.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Shehzad Hanif (00:00):
What I've actually realized, is that it's
(00:01):
not really the tactics, I wouldsay 80% is the psychology of the
person who's seeking to getmarried and 20% is the actual
tactics, the DMs, the profile,which apps you're on.
Mifrah Mahroof (00:18):
Asalamu alaikum and welcome to the Muslim Life
Hackers podcast.
I'm your host, Mifrah Mahroof,and I'm here with today's
episode.
So if you're a single that'slooking to get married, Then
this episode is for you.
joining me today is ShehzadHanif, a certified Muslim life
coach and the founder ofGuidance Coaching.
He has helped Muslims all overthe world find their soulmate
(00:40):
effortlessly using his four steplove formula.
So I hope you enjoy thisinterview and let's get started.
Assalamu Alaikum.
Welcome to the show.
Shehzad Hanif (00:49):
Wa'alaykumu salamu waraḥmatullah, thank you
so much.
Thank you for having me.
Mifrah Mahroof (00:53):
Well, I am looking forward to this
interview.
I want to start off by justopening up a can of worms,
because I think even discussingthis is like opening up a can of
worms.
So the issue that we have is youhave brothers who are like,
they're good guys, they'repraying, they're working,
they're in a position to getmarried.
And then you also have thepracticing sister, she's ready
(01:15):
to get married.
But the thing is, both of themfeel like, Hey, I can't find
anyone suitable.
Is there something wrong with meor is it that there are just no
good people out there?
But the funny thing is they'reboth having that same thing,
same problem, the brother, thesister.
So what's happening really?
I'm curious to know as, askingan expert like yourself, who
(01:38):
works in this space, help usunravel this.
Shehzad Hanif (01:42):
Jazakallah khair.
Thank you, Sister Mifrah.
It's a pleasure to be on yourpodcast.
And this is really a topic.
It's need of our time.
I really feel it's like the needof our ummah right now, like
Muslim marriages, whether peopleare, going through the marriage
search process, or whetherthey're actually married and
trying to get through thatfirst, like initial phase, the
first year of the first threeyears, there's so many
(02:05):
challenges.
I just feel like there is a lotof things going on at a
subconscious level which we'renot necessarily, privy to.
We're thinking that the problemis with the brothers.
So from a sister's perspective,the sister thinks the problem is
with the brothers.
It's just no good qualitybrothers out there.
The brothers on the other hand,they're thinking like, where's
(02:27):
all the good sisters, it's likethey're looking for a certain
type of man and this is notfair.
And so there's a lot offrustration around this whole
process of trying to find ourspouse.
And, I've done some work withsome real experts in this field,
people like Hafz Al-Din and I'velearned a lot around tactics in
terms of how to design a goodmarriage profile, what should be
(02:50):
the quality of the conversationsyou have.
But what I've actually realized,and it's been a fascinating for
me in terms of my ownunderstanding of my own journey,
is that it's not really thetactics, if I was to quantify.
The success of our marriagesearch into percentages.
I would say 80% is thepsychology of the person, the
brother or the sister who'sseeking to get married and 20%
(03:12):
is the actual tactics, the DMs,the profile, which apps you're
on.
I don't have data to back thatup.
It's just very much kind ofpersonal experience in terms of
the businesses that I've workedwith.
I find again and again, thatit's the psychology, it's the
psychology of the person whichis determining a lot of the
negative emotions that areattached to the whole job
(03:36):
search, or not job search.
but obviously the whole, kind
Mifrah Mahroof (03:39):
kind of like a job search, right?
Shehzad Hanif (03:41):
Yeah, actually, that's true.
There is, a lot of parallels andactually the reason I mention
job search is because I use thatas an example,
Mifrah Mahroof (03:47):
Oh, really?
Shehzad Hanif (03:48):
like, yeah, to kind of try and get the point
home in terms of why people arefinding it so difficult to get
married.
There's a lot of parallelsbetween, the marriage search and
the job search.
It's a really interesting area.
It's been fascinating for me.
I've discovered so much and onething I've realized is that it's
not the outward, it's not theexternal.
it's more the intern and What'sgoing on?
(04:09):
um, at the very conscious, butnot so much conscious as
subconscious level.
Mifrah Mahroof (04:15):
So what is going on?
Shehzad Hanif (04:16):
So it's a lot of it is, it comes down to
childhood, in terms of theexperience that I've had.
But there's a lot of goodbrothers and sisters out there,
MashaAllah, God fearing,practicing, brothers and
sisters.
Let's take, brothers, forexample.
Now, I find that a lot ofbrothers who are finding it hard
to get married.
(04:38):
They had an upbringing where, Icall it the three C's, in their
childhood, they experiencedcriticism.
They experienced, to someextent, a particular parent
being very critical of them,being very closed towards them,
being very controlling towardsthem.
And then what has happened isthat at a subconscious level,
(05:02):
They have built this kind ofopinion of themselves about
themselves.
That they're not worthy of love.
And like I said, all of this ishappening at a very subconscious
level.
if I would say what is the onereason why brothers are finding
it hard to get married, andsisters as well, to be honest,
the reasons are very similar.
(05:23):
I guess for brothers, it's moreto do with their kind of
masculine energy, and in termsof the reason why sisters are
not getting married, it's tosome extent to do with, their
femininity and how that, causesdepolarization in terms of the
two energies, um, which isgetting a little bit deep, but I
don't want to go too deep intokind of, polarization and things
like that.
(05:43):
I just wanna at a very highlevel, Um, Get the point across
that our childhood dictates somuch of what happens in our
outer world, when I say outerworld, I mean the marriage,
search that if you're married,then the quality of that
marriage, sometimes, our mindsetaround money and finance,
whether we feel it's somethingwhich is a good thing, a
(06:04):
positive thing, or have we beenprogrammed from a young age to
feel like it's a bad thing.
I myself, went through my earlyyears, did develop some
negative, emotions around, theopposite gender, and because of
certain experiences that I had,and for example, we know, in our
communities, narcissism is a bigthing.
Mifrah Mahroof (06:24):
yeah,
Shehzad Hanif (06:25):
It's a label which we hear so much now, and
many children have experiencedthat growing up, that they may
have had a particular parent,for example, who was quite, very
narcissistic in the way theyactually raised their child.
And that does have a profoundeffect on every area of our
life.
Obviously we're talking todayabout the marriage search and
(06:46):
why muslim singles are findingit so hard to get married.
The divorce rate in the U.
S., I read somewhere, it's closeto 50%
Mifrah Mahroof (06:52):
something crazy high, right?
Shehzad Hanif (06:53):
you know, that's absurd, right?
We're, kind of competing, like,toe to toe with, the mainstream
now, in terms of, divorce rates.
And in the U.
K., where I reside it's similar,last time I checked, it was
around maybe mid 40s, 45percent, something like that.
So, it's a concern, but I thinkmy message is, maybe slightly
different to a lot of the kindof marriage coaches or the
(07:14):
singles coaches out there whotend to put a lot of emphasis on
the tactical aspect of it.
And what I'm saying is that allthat stuff is relevant, don't
get me wrong, which apps you'reon, what kind of conversations
are you having, what tactics areyou using, how are you getting
your face out there, the DMs,the marriage profile, all those
(07:36):
things are important.
But actually, it comes down to,I find, People just not feeling
good enough, not feeling worthy.
And, if we look at ourrelationship with Allah, which
is really the core essence ofeverything for us as Muslims,
Allah is integral in our lifeand in our marriage search as
(07:59):
well.
But many of us have grown upfeeling unworthy of Allah's
love, no feeling that, he reallyloves us, and if you don't feel
that Allah loves you and you'reworthy of his love and his
forgiveness and his mercy, itthen makes it very hard for you
to be able to reciprocate thatlove with others, to be able to
receive it from others, to beable to give it to others.
(08:22):
And it's fascinating.
I really have found this hasbeen such an epiphany for me.
Every time when I'm on a sessionwith a brother or sister, and I
must say that I find this ismore prevalent with sisters,
more so than brothers,
Mifrah Mahroof (08:37):
hmm,
Shehzad Hanif (08:38):
that when we talk about their relationship with
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, and,we talk about, the fact that
Allah loves them, and they'reworthy of His love, and His
compassion and His mercy, andthere is a feeling of not being
good enough, of not beingworthy, and It just ceases to
amaze me how often that becomesvery apparent early on in the
(09:02):
discussion that there is a lotof, um, unhealed, um, not
necessarily always trauma, butthere's some healing work that
needs to be done based on theirupbringing, based on their
childhood.
So for the brothers, like Imentioned the three C's, they
would have experienced, to someextent, in some way, shape or
(09:23):
form, some aspects of criticism,control, a particular parent may
be enclosed towards them.
Then that, what that does issubconsciously that makes you
feel like you're not goodenough.
You're not worthy.
Something's wrong with you.
And you tend to attract, youtend to attract people who treat
you in that way.
And we feel like, why do Ialways get, attracted to someone
(09:47):
who doesn't respect me for theperson that I am.
you know, it is not respectingme as an individual.
or maybe is judging, and a lotof this is happening, like I
said, it's playing out at a verysubconscious level because we
are accustomed to being treatedin a certain way.
Mifrah Mahroof (10:04):
Hmm.
Shehzad Hanif (10:04):
Our subconscious mind attracts people, attracts
that type of behavior into ourlife.
So it's very normal for sisters,for example, if they had, a
parent who was very critical ofthem,
Mifrah Mahroof (10:15):
Hmm.
Shehzad Hanif (10:17):
let's say they had a father who wasn't really
present for them, sisters tendto, generally have quite a
strong, attachment with fathers,or a need to have that role of a
protector and a provider intheir lives.
And if they didn't have thatwhile they were growing up and,
maybe he wasn't present or maybehe was quite critical, quite
dismissive at a subconsciouslevel, then when they go into
(10:39):
the whole, um, into the big wideworld and, they're having these
conversations with people whocould potentially be their
soulmate or their spouse in thefuture, they find that they
attract people who are quite,they're not present.
They ghost them in the DMs.
That they'll not get back,they'll be if there's someone
(11:00):
that they feel that could bemarriage material, they actually
find during the courting processthat, oh, actually this person
is like, actually quite rude andquite disrespectful.
And it's actually just areenactment of a lot of
experiences they had in theirchildhood.
And for me, this has just beenfascinating, because When I got
involved in coaching with, likesingles coaching and even with
(11:23):
the marital coaching I wasfocusing so much on the tactics
the quality of theconversations, you know that all
of those
Mifrah Mahroof (11:30):
that's what we,
Shehzad Hanif (11:31):
the external Yeah
Mifrah Mahroof (11:32):
In the mainstream.
That's crazy.
That's actually a reallyinteresting point, how you
mentioned that our subconsciousis what's going to be attracting
these things.
And I had a conversation withone of my friends recently.
She's single, she's in herthirties and then she's a really
good sister, MashaAllah, andshe's telling me, why do I
attract, men that are not likethat are interested in
(11:55):
providing, or they just want to,because like she's working, And
they just want to take advantageof her.
And that's the kind of men thatshe keeps attracting.
She doesn't understand why.
Does that also play a part aswell?
The subconscious?
Shehzad Hanif (12:09):
Absolutely.
I mean obviously I don't knowthe specific sister's case, but
based on my experience, I wouldguess You know that there is a
strong chance that, there was inher childhood, there was maybe a
particular parent.
Who wasn't present for her, whowasn't there, many of the
sisters just, they do cravethat.
They do crave that attentionfrom a father, who will make
(12:30):
them feel like a princess andwill give them, that love and
that attention to make them feelgood enough, to make them feel
worthy.
Love from a father, for example,makes it much, much easier for
them to attract the right personinto their life.
So with sisters, for example,what I've found, I refer a lot
to the three U's, so for thebrothers it was the three C's,
(12:51):
for the sisters it's the threeU's.
So a lot of sisters have grownup feeling, unsafe,
Mifrah Mahroof (12:57):
Hmm.
Shehzad Hanif (12:58):
uh, not feeling understood,
Mifrah Mahroof (13:01):
Hmm.
Shehzad Hanif (13:01):
and also feeling unheard.
So unheard, unsafe, and notunderstood,
Mifrah Mahroof (13:08):
Interesting.
Shehzad Hanif (13:09):
and once again, a lot of that stems from a
relationship they may have hadof their youth, uncomfortable
relationship with their mother,for example, and this is not,
what I don't want to do here is,cause fights in people's homes
and, you
Mifrah Mahroof (13:22):
course.
Shehzad Hanif (13:23):
and sisters now going back to their mums and
dads and saying, oh, you're thecause of this, not
Mifrah Mahroof (13:27):
Of course.
Shehzad Hanif (13:27):
the, yeah, that's not the purpose here.
We don't, no blame attached toour parents, okay, I just want
to clarify that.
They are, They are just really,They they They They were raised
in in a way which, caused themto behave in a certain way.
So these are actual,generational patterns of
behavior.
(13:48):
These are being passed downgeneration to generation.
So the beauty of this work thatI do with my classes is that
what we can do actually is say,write.
We're going to be the ones thatare going to put a stop to this,
so that our children don'trepeat the same generational
patterns of behavior, somepeople refer to them as trauma
bonds.
Sister Mifrah, this is such afascinating area.
(14:10):
It's,
Mifrah Mahroof (14:11):
It is.
Shehzad Hanif (14:12):
just can't, I can't emphasize how blown away
I've been with this work.
Like, Every time, when I havethese conversations, when I ask
a brother or sister, whose lovedid you crave more?
which parents love and attentiondid you crave more?
more often than not, they willidentify that they crave the
love and attention of aparticular parent.
(14:32):
And those emotions andexperiences that they felt are
just being repeated in theirmarriage search.
They're attracting the sameperson, the same behavioral
patterns are prevalent and arevery apparent.
So as I mentioned for sisters,there's a lot of, things that
need to be unpacked around themnot feeling understood, feeling
(14:53):
unsafe.
Now just imagine now if you grewup not feeling safe, not feeling
understood.
Not, feeling like your voice isnot heard,
Mifrah Mahroof (15:00):
Yeah.
Shehzad Hanif (15:01):
and then you attract someone like that, into,
in terms of, it's going to causeproblems.
You're going to find it hard toget married.
If you do find someone, it'sgoing to be a lot of challenges
in that marriage because at asubconscious level, you're
attracting that behavior fromthe other person.
And now then just imagine if thebrother, Has also had some of
(15:25):
these challenges, he wascontrolled and he was criticized
and then these two energies cometogether in a marriage and then
what do we do?
We go to counsellors, we go tocoaches and we're working on,
oh, attachment theory andcommunication and we're working
on all this tactical stuff andyet the problem is, it's
happening at a subconsciouslevel, it's so much more deeper
(15:45):
than that.
Mifrah Mahroof (15:46):
Hmm.
Shehzad Hanif (15:47):
Like I said, I don't want to criticize coaches
and counsellors and, Therapistsout there, they're doing great
work, the tactical aspect of itis really important, but there
needs to be more emphasis onChildhood, I always say to
brothers and sisters, so Isomething I've started doing
recently here in my localcommunity and One recent event
one of the brothers asked, Whatwas the number one reason for
(16:10):
success?
In one's marriage search.
I said if you can find someonewho has not had a chaotic
childhood, that is a good signthat InshaAllah you'll have a
happy marriage.
That person is a good candidatefor being your soul mate.
(16:30):
that doesn't mean that if youhad a chaotic childhood, if
there was some, if you did cravethe attention of a particular
parent, or in some extreme casesthere was trauma or abuse, that
doesn't mean that you can't havea happy marriage.
It just means that there's somework that we need to do, there's
some healing that we need to do,and, sometimes people who have
been through those challenges,They end up having the most
amazing marriage, you know,because of the work that they've
(16:53):
done.
Mifrah Mahroof (16:53):
at the end, Allah SWT has, put in our path
this knowledge and this help andall of these things that are out
there to get help.
So if once we recognize that,Hey, Yeah.
I have some issues that I needto, face and deal with, then
that's the first step.
And acknowledging is really thefirst step to be able to get the
right, help and everything.
And yeah, I could completelyagree with you.
(17:15):
Like, it's not about blaming ourparents or something.
It's just acknowledging it.
Okay.
This is how it was like, that'sit.
Now, what can I do about it?
it's very interesting thatyou're speaking about this area
of like Childhood and how thathas an effect.
I completely agree, it's not tosay that the tactics don't have
a place, but I feel like theconversation has to be balanced
out.
And by hearing things like fromcoaches like you, and also
(17:39):
hearing tactics from othercoaches as well, it kind of
balances out that conversation.
So the person who is looking toget married knows that, Hey, if
I have done the best I can withtactics, then maybe I should
also look at another strategy.
Like what else am I missing?
And this subconscious work is soimportant.
And, I started getting into thismyself, just like this year,
(18:00):
like I found out about it and Iwas like, I found out how it
really affects me in very subtleways.
And this is coming from myself.
I'm being someone who's likebeing in the personal growth
space for many years.
Right.
All very tactical.
I never really tapped into thispart of the unconscious as
deeply as I did this year.
And I was like, my gosh, I havea lot of things happening that I
(18:25):
never really understood youknow, and it's not just
marriage, it gets in the way oflike different things in your
life.
Like, you were saying, like job,business, all of these different
things.
I guess it's so important toaddress it.
And that brings me to my nextquestion, really.
So if you've seen that you'rehaving these, you have to start
(18:45):
digging into fixing and healingthese childhood wounds.
Would you also can consider itas that?
Then, what's the next step?
what do you do about it?
Like, how do you find help?
Shehzad Hanif (18:58):
Step number one is acknowledging it, like you
said.
Mifrah Mahroof (19:02):
Hmm.
Shehzad Hanif (19:02):
Acknowledging that, yes, this could well be
the cause for whateverpredicament I'm in.
This could be the fundamentalreason why I'm struggling to get
married, for example.
Mifrah Mahroof (19:14):
Yeah.
Okay.
Shehzad Hanif (19:15):
So once we acknowledge it, then, I think
step two is really accepting aswell, because acknowledgement
and acceptance aren'tnecessarily the same thing,
Mifrah Mahroof (19:24):
Yeah.
True.
Right.
You can be in
Shehzad Hanif (19:26):
because You could, Yeah.
exactly, you could acknowledgeit, but then that could cause a
lot of resentment, as Imentioned earlier, like we don't
want to be blaming our parents.
Mifrah Mahroof (19:35):
Yeah.
Shehzad Hanif (19:36):
more than likely, that they were raised by parents
who, maybe didn't necessarilygive them those, ingredients
that they needed for a happy,flourishing childhood, that
there were certain aspects ofthem that were missing, and
likewise, their parents parents,maybe were, or maybe a
particular parent was quitecontrolling because their parent
was controlling, it's just achain, so we've got to accept
(19:57):
that, this is possible.
This has happened and this is achance for me to redress the
balance and for me to actually,put a stop to this, and make
sure that it doesn't get passeddown.
So it's actually something whichis an opportunity to be a means
for change.
And this is excellent.
And then, you could end updoing, what I've been doing is I
(20:19):
say, hang on a minute, I wantto, take this further.
I want to help others.
so that, the things that I'velearnt,
Mifrah Mahroof (20:25):
Yeah,
Shehzad Hanif (20:25):
can be passed on.
I'm not saying everybody outthere has to become a coach,
Mifrah Mahroof (20:29):
of course.
Shehzad Hanif (20:30):
or therapist, or counsellor, but there is people
we could help around us.
this is the mindset we need tohave, that acknowledge it,
accept it, and then let's go onto now the implementation aspect
of it, in terms of the how.
So, we've now identified thewhat, what's really going on
Mifrah Mahroof (20:48):
that's true.
Mm-Hmm
Shehzad Hanif (20:50):
and which, in a nutshell, it's about us not
feeling good enough.
It's just simple.
It really is as simple as that.
We grew up, many of us notfeeling enough.
I can't put it in much simplerwords than that.
Um, yes, we could go intosubconscious mind and how it
works and feminine and masculineenergy, but that would make
(21:10):
things a lot more, make it sounda lot more complicated than what
it really is.
Ultimately we just grew uphaving some feelings of
unworthiness.
Just not being enough.
So once now we've identifiedthat, then the next step really
is like, okay, so then how do weactually change this?
And I think that's where therole of, you know, counselor or
(21:33):
therapist and some counselorsand therapists and coaches are
better than others.
You just have to find someonewho's a good match for you.
A lot of sisters will reach outto brothers because it helps
them to understand how men arethinking.
So most of the clients thatreach out to me are sisters.
and that's fine.
it's not necessarily, I didn'tkind of strategically plan it
(21:54):
for it to happen that way.
But I feel like it just givesthem a brother's perspective.
and, Alhamdulillah, as long as Ican be of service, that's fine.
But, in terms of the actualimplementation aspect of it, it
really is not difficult, wedon't have to do, like, things
that we feel uncomfortabledoing, or things that we're not
(22:14):
used to doing.
For example, I put in my work, Iput a lot of emphasis on
repetition, because repetitionis a key to learning.
The mind, whether it's theconscious mind, the subconscious
mind, it learns throughrepetition.
So what I try to get brothersand sisters to do is because
we're Muslim, because we believein Allah, we have some common
values.
We have this belief system.
(22:36):
So I just utilized that, I said,okay, let's spend five minutes a
day just talking to Allah SWT.
And people do this already, youknow, they read Quran, they do
adhkar, they do dhikr.
So I just say, just add thiscomponent to your recitations or
your daily, spiritual tool kit,if you want to call it that.
And just spend five minutes infront of the mirror, or with a
(22:57):
journal, and just talk aboutyour relationship with Allah.
You know, at the top, just, ifyou always want a mind map, just
in the middle, have like, Allahloves me.
All right.
And now focus because I'mrepeating again and again, Allah
loves me, then that makes iteasier for me to have a very
loving relationship with Allahas opposed to what most of us
(23:19):
have is a very fearfulrelationship.
I certainly did.
I
Mifrah Mahroof (23:24):
Yeah.
Shehzad Hanif (23:24):
had a lot of negative emotions around my
relationship with Allah SWT.
You could be praying five times.
You could be praying Tahajjud
Mifrah Mahroof (23:33):
Mm.
Shehzad Hanif (23:34):
yet, you don't really feel worthy of Allah's
forgiveness.
Okay.
You feel, you know, that becauseof certain situations maybe many
of us, had some things in ourpast life which we're not proud
of.
Mifrah Mahroof (23:45):
Yeah, there's a sense of hopelessness, right?
Shehzad Hanif (23:48):
hopelessness, maybe due to sins or maybe like,
for example, reverts, had a veryChallenging kind of life, and
when they find Allah, they findthe light, it can be quite, it
can be some flashbacks and somechallenges, for them in terms of
trying to actually, let go ofthose emotions and those,
reminders from their past whichthey're not proud of.
(24:10):
So, we have to be happy, let goof those negative emotions.
we hear this from our teachers,they say that Allah loves us.
It's mentioned in thenarrations, Allah loves us 70
times more than our own mother.
Mifrah Mahroof (24:25):
Subhanallah.
Shehzad Hanif (24:25):
So, the way I try to use that in some of the
coaching sessions, I say, well,If Allah loves us 70 times more
than our own mother, should wenot love ourselves a little bit?
maybe like one iota of thatlove, an atom of love for
ourself, why not?
And when I say that, you cantell, there's this silence, it's
(24:47):
just like this aha moment, it'slike, yeah, that's true.
There was one sister, I'll neverforget, we were having this
conversation, at the end of mysessions, What I tend to do is I
get, try to inculcate some selflove, so I get them to give
themselves a high five.
I say, just say, Alhamdulillah,I'm awesome.
the sister, she just went quiet,and she said, no, I would never
(25:10):
say that.
Mifrah Mahroof (25:11):
Yeah,
Shehzad Hanif (25:12):
I just smiled, and I said, why would you say
that you're awesome?
she just replied, oh no, I just,I don't feel comfortable.
Saying that it doesn't seemappropriate and so I had to
actually explain, I said, look,this is Allah's plan for us.
He loves us more than our ownmothers, 70 times more than our
mothers.
And just imagine how much painand how much trouble and how
(25:35):
much difficulty they wentthrough, endured, to bring us
into this life and then to raiseus and take care of us.
The sleepless nights theyendured when we were not feeling
well, we could never, if we hadto work out how much they spent
on us financially, we can neverrepay them, right?
So surely we can, we can showsome love for ourselves.
I find this is such a bigproblem in our community.
Like, self love is a massiveissue.
Mifrah Mahroof (25:57):
hmm,
Shehzad Hanif (25:58):
So in the end, she just said, No, that's true.
And she then, she kind of said,OK, Alhamdulillah, I'm Muslim.
Mifrah Mahroof (26:05):
Alhamdulillah,
Shehzad Hanif (26:05):
you know, that was really nice.
But it's a recurring theme.
It's a recurring pattern.
Mifrah Mahroof (26:11):
hmm,
Shehzad Hanif (26:12):
is this very negative, some negative
emotions.
around our relationship withAllah SWT, which does impinge on
and, has a direct impact on thisarea of, marriages.
And, I really find repetition,as I mentioned, is key here, you
know, when we tell what AllahSWT,
Mifrah Mahroof (26:32):
thing about how reminders benefit a believer.
So by repeating that reminder,it benefits us, right?
even like that, how youmentioned how Allah's love is 70
times greater than a mother'slove.
And like, when I used to hearthat before I became a mother,
it was very theoretical, right?
But then after I gave birth tomy daughter, which was very
(26:52):
recently, I never understood howmuch love I can hold in my
heart.
Like it's something that youfeel after you become a mother.
And to know that Allah SWT hasloves us even more, 70 times
more.
It's like my heart feels likeit's like bursting with love.
And I've never experienced thatin my life, except after I had
(27:16):
my own child.
So, and now that hadith,actually, like these teachings
from our Deen, I feel it in adifferent way.
Having experienced that as themother, SubhanAllah, It's very
powerful, right?
So I guess from what it soundslike, of all of this inner work
and stuff, so it seems like youcan't just get married and it
(27:37):
solves these problems.
Shehzad Hanif (27:39):
I mean, unfortunately, yeah, there is
some work that we need to do.
Mifrah Mahroof (27:43):
Yeah.
Shehzad Hanif (27:44):
Yes, some people can get married and then they
can work out, certaindifferences, they can reconcile
certain situations, but it'sjust a lot more easier to do
this work,
Mifrah Mahroof (27:56):
Yeah.
Shehzad Hanif (27:57):
doors, it's so much easier.
I've struggled in this.
I'm speaking personally now, Istruggle so much in this area
and my why in terms of why I dothis work is I just don't want,
my community, I don't want ourbrothers and sisters to have to
go through this.
problems, I grew up, like reallycraving my father's attention,
(28:20):
this is like, this work that I'mdoing, I'm the proof is in the
pudding for me, because I canresonate to it because of my own
journey, all I really wantedwas, for him to look me in the
eye and say, Shehzad, my son,I'm proud of you, and I still
remember when I was a kid, I didthis essay in English and I got
a really good mark for it
Mifrah Mahroof (28:40):
Hmm.
Shehzad Hanif (28:41):
he was having a shave in the bathroom and I went
up to him and, I said, Dad, Dad,look, I got this grade and,
bless him, he was getting readyfor work and, obviously he's
just, he just didn't really kindof give much, much of a
response.
Mifrah Mahroof (28:52):
Hmm.
Shehzad Hanif (28:53):
But, I still remember that to this day so
vividly, and what I didn'trealize, until very recently in
my life was that how experienceslike that impact us at a very
subconscious level.
And now I realize that incidentslike that help to form emotions
around lack of self worth, thatI wasn't worthy.
(29:13):
And I took that into my deen aswell, so when I started
practicing my religion, thefeelings of lack of self worth,
not being worthy of Allah'sforgiveness, were very
prevalent.
but now, I like to spend sometime in my day, thanking Allah,
telling myself that,Alhamdulillah, Allah loves me,
and because Allah loves me, Ifind it easy to give love and
(29:35):
receive love from others.
I like to tell myself that, I'mworthy of Allah's forgiveness
because I'm worthy of Allah'sforgiveness.
I find it easy to forgiveothers, and others find it easy
to forgive me, and when I repeatthese things, sometimes I'll
even look at myself in themirror, and just praise Allah,
and some people might find thata bit woo woo, it's not,
personally, I just treat it as aform of Ibadah, it's worship for
(29:58):
me, when I praise my Creator,and there's different ways of
doing it.
some people like to write, somepeople like to affirm things
verbally, some people like tovisualize and just sit there,
after their prayer and justthink about the blessings, that
Allah has bestowed them with,whatever works for the
individual.
But I found,
Mifrah Mahroof (30:17):
Hmm.
Shehzad Hanif (30:18):
in terms of how to help people overcome these
challenges, I use a veryholistic approach.
So we focus on mind, body, soul,where with the mind we're
focusing on.
What you're thinking about interms of your relationship with
Allah, what you say, just usingall your faculties, what you're
hearing, what you're seeing, andtrying to put a very positive
outlook on.
(30:39):
those interpretations that wehave, in terms of the body
aspect, we'd really look intopeople's, that's more the
tactics.
Mifrah Mahroof (30:46):
Yeah.
Getting into tactics.
Hmm.
exercise,
Shehzad Hanif (30:49):
nutrition,
Mifrah Mahroof (30:50):
sleep,
Shehzad Hanif (30:51):
uh, because these things have an impact on our
well being, general well being,and then soul, we look at like
the quality of our duas, I usedto always, be asking for
forgiveness, and don't get mewrong, that's a great thing,
yeah.
But what about shukr?
What about actually startingyour du'a with saying Oh Allah I
love you, Oh Allah I really loveyou, I really love you.
(31:13):
Oh Allah you've forgiven me somuch, you've given me family,
you're allowing me to repent,that in itself is a gift.
And then by all means asking forforgiveness and I'm not saying
that we shouldn't cry, Allahloves that, He loves us when we
humble ourselves.
But, the more empowering yourrelationship with your Creator.
It's going to help you flourishin every area of your life,
(31:36):
every area of your life.
And I think that is where weneed to make Allah central.
So, for example, going back tothe example of the mind map, in
the middle you have Allah lovesme.
And then, you can branch outfrom there and say, because of
that, now, I find it easier tolove myself and then another
aspect or another branch of thatis I find it easier to give love
(31:58):
to others, my family, myfriends, my community, and then
another branch is because of thefact that I now am so convinced
and so sure that And I repeatevery day that Allah loves me,
other people find it easy toshow me love.
I find it easy to receive lovefrom other people.
Mifrah Mahroof (32:14):
Hmm.
Shehzad Hanif (32:14):
And, uh, the opportunities that end this, can
you see where we're going withthis?
marriage is just one aspect thatcan flourish.
It opens up possibilities andopens up the floodgates for
every area of our lives.
So many different areas.
I grew up thinking money wasbad.
Money didn't, I used to hearthings like, money doesn't grow
on trees.
Rich people are greedy anddeceitful and they cheat.
(32:34):
But now I'm like, wow, Ya Allah,bless me with more, make my rizq
vast.
So that I can spend on yourcreation and take care of my
family and praise you and bringpeople towards you, oh Allah.
This is what I ask for now,whereas before I never used to
include money or wealth in mydu'as.
It changes your life, and I feellike I'm on the beginning of a
(32:54):
new journey.
I feel like I started a newchapter, like, at this stage of
my life, right?
So, um,
Mifrah Mahroof (33:01):
exciting, right?
Very, very exciting.
Shehzad Hanif (33:03):
it is, there's hope for everyone.
Yeah,
Mifrah Mahroof (33:07):
Alhamdulillah.
I think like even that wholeaffirmation thing, one thing
that has been helping me waslike, I would record it myself
and listen to it while I likeprepare breakfast in the
morning, for example, because itreminds me of who I am.
And what I want to stand for andjust reminds me, cause you know,
when you wake up, you can wakeup quite negative or if you
didn't sleep well or something.
(33:28):
And then just hearing thatagain, Allah swt loves me.
And all of these affirmations islike, it makes a difference.
And yeah, like you were saying,sometimes for some people it
sounds woo woo, but I feel thatsometimes we think that sounds
woo woo, But we think that,cause we haven't tried it,
right?
So, yeah, but I wonder though,do you find that males will find
(33:50):
it even more harder to addressthis emotional component?
Cause you know, us females, wetalk about emotions a lot and
this and that, and for you toget vulnerable like this and,
say that these are the things weneed to address.
Shehzad Hanif (34:02):
yeah, there is.
It can be a little bit moretricky with brothers, but I
think the beauty of our faith isthat we all pray, right?
Alhamdulillah, we all Believe inAllah SWT.
We all make du'a.
I use a concept called dreamdu'as, okay.
it doesn't matter whether it'sbrothers or sisters, we all
believe in the power of du'a.
We all know that du'a is theweapon of the believer, right?
(34:23):
all I'm saying here is, and thisisn't like, nobody can really
dispute this is that we justneed to improve the quality of
our Dua.
That's all we're doing, andwhether that Dua is in the form
of journaling, whether it's inthe form of, actually verbally
saying things, whether it'slistening, like yourself, which
is excellent, by the way, Ireally recommend people do that.
(34:43):
They actually, listen tosomething, some kind of audio.
It's their own voice, brilliant,but some people don't feel
comfortable recordingthemselves, listen A coach or a
mentor or, you know, some, likea meditation audio doesn't
necessarily have to be anIslamic one, as long as you
understand it from an Islamicperspective,
Mifrah Mahroof (34:59):
Yeah.
Shehzad Hanif (35:00):
that's the main thing.
There's certain audios andmeditations that I listen to,
they're not Muslims, but I'veturned them into Dua, I've
customized it, right?
So, just make a du'a list, youknow, make a du'a list, Oh
Allah, like, let's give a coupleof examples of dream du'as that
brothers and sisters can makefor their marriage, yeah?
Oh Allah, thank you for blessingme with a beautiful spouse.
Oh Allah, thank you for blessingme with my soul mate, someone
(35:22):
who cares for me, who makes mefeel safe and certain that I am
with my soul mate and that thismarriage is going to last.
It's going to be a beautiful,eternal relationship, right,
we're going to be together inthis world and I'm going to have
a beautiful hereafter.
Now just imagine that that the,vibration that Dua is on
compared to
Mifrah Mahroof (35:41):
So that du'a is coming from a perspective of
you've already, Allah SWT hasalready granted to you and it's
that level of certainty.
Shehzad Hanif (35:48):
yeah.
Because that's isn't it?
That's your, and Allah says tous that I deal with my servants
according to the expectation ofme.
Right?
So if we really believe he'sgonna give, then that becomes
like a means for to get fasttracked.
You know, ultimately, you know,Allah SWT is in control of
everything.
Though ours are accepted when hewishes, he's the one who gives
us, tawfik to make dua in thefirst place.
Mifrah Mahroof (36:10):
Hmm.
Shehzad Hanif (36:11):
But, there are certain occasions, certain
situations where du'as can beaccepted by Allah SWT, like
instantly, he's in control.
We just need to do our bit andleave the rest to him.
it's just like an athlete.
They take care of their food,their nutrition.
They make sure they're in greatshape, we have the Olympics
going on at the moment, and thenthe success will come from
(36:32):
Allah.
If Allah wills for them tosucceed, they will, otherwise,
you could be healthy.
You could have the best diet andyou can still get a heart
attack.
May Allah protect everyone.
Al Fatiha.
You do your bit.
So we have to do our bit.
Make our duas powerful withyaqeen, with certainty.
Now compare that to someonewho's making dua, Oh Allah,
forgive me, oh Allah, you know,why am I not getting married, oh
(36:57):
Allah
Mifrah Mahroof (36:59):
Yeah, I see.
Shehzad Hanif (36:59):
with my soulmate?
When will I,
Mifrah Mahroof (37:01):
it doesn't sound very hopeful, that having that
yaqeen in Allah SWT, that He isgoing to give, because you
already feel like, oh, you know,I, yeah.
Shehzad Hanif (37:11):
And, you know, I just feel that's missing.
And, no one can disagree withthe power of Dua.
And I try to utilize that in thework that I do.
So that both brothers andsisters
Mifrah Mahroof (37:21):
very good point.
I like it.
I think I need to start addingthat into my affirmations list
as well, about coming from a
Shehzad Hanif (37:29):
it's quite tricky,
Mifrah Mahroof (37:30):
Alhamdulillah.
Allah SWT has given me, the goalthat I want and everything.
So that's a very powerful.
Thank you so much for sharing.
I think even if you were sayingearlier, like this whole
subconscious work, it's not justin.
Marriage that it helps you ingetting married.
It's having a better marriageand even in different areas of
your life, like you said, moneyand, business and all of this
(37:50):
stuff.
So very important.
And, Great insights.
I know that we're really closeto ending off the interview and,
this topic is really interestingfor me as well, but I'm mindful
of the time and your time hereas well.
So let's get to the questionsthat we ask all our guests.
What would you say is one lifehack that has improved your
(38:13):
life?
Shehzad Hanif (38:14):
MashaAllah, so many things, if I could choose
one, I would say gratitude haschanged my life, obviously as
Muslims, gratitude is somethingwhich is fundamental in our
daily life.
we pray, we give sadaqa, we havethe five pillars of Islam.
All of this is, related to,showing gratitude to Allah SWT.
(38:36):
The prayer, for example, we dosujood, we rub our nose on the
ground, we bow to him.
that is a kind of an optimalform of gratitude, but many of
us, we do it in autopilot, it'sjust, we're going through the
motions, we're praying thesalah, we're not really focusing
on the meanings.
Mifrah Mahroof (38:52):
right?
Shehzad Hanif (38:53):
Yeah, I honestly, like, it took a non Muslim, so
my mentor was a non Muslim, andI was in a very low point in my
life, maybe five or six yearsago, and, he started helping me,
and I couldn't even afford acoach at that time, but he
started giving me 10 15 minuteshere and there on the phone, and
he just taught me gratitude,honestly, and then I thought,
hey, this is our, this guy isteaching
Mifrah Mahroof (39:13):
Yeah, I
Shehzad Hanif (39:14):
me the deen, this is
Mifrah Mahroof (39:15):
you learn from the mainstream and then you're
like, Oh, this is already in ourdeen and you like connect it.
That's what I've been finding aswell.
It is.
Shehzad Hanif (39:25):
know, It's helped me so much, just kind of being,
don't get me wrong, I have lotsof challenges in my life, it's
not like everything just hasdisappeared and life is so
wonderful, I don't want to paintthat picture at all, there's a
lot of challenges, but I'mbetter equipped to deal with
them.
Mifrah Mahroof (39:39):
But you're choosing
Shehzad Hanif (39:40):
not gonna now,
Mifrah Mahroof (39:41):
good and in a better state of mind when you do
that.
Shehzad Hanif (39:45):
absolutely, we all engage in, self talk.
So all I'm saying here to ourbrothers and sisters is, why not
engage in positive self talk,rather than negative self talk?
so for example, if a brother orsister is having problems
getting married, now, if theytell everyone that they meet, I
can't get my lead.
No matter what I do, I keepfinding these, absolute trash,
(40:09):
yeah?
That's going to become yourreality.
Mifrah Mahroof (40:11):
Yeah.
Shehzad Hanif (40:12):
You're attracting, low quality people
into your life because you talkabout it so much, it's become
your reality.
Whereas, if someone asks you,How's my research going?
Alhamdulillah, it's going reallywell, MashaAllah, I'm meeting
some really good people and I'mconfident, InshaAllah, with
Allah's help.
I'm gonna find the right personvery, very soon.
it's gonna be the good, it'sgonna be the right person for
(40:33):
me, or she's gonna be mysoulmate.
There's, a way to engage withourselves, and this is what I
mean, if there's no one to speakto, if you don't like writing,
look at the mirror and talk toyourself in a positive way.
Mifrah Mahroof (40:45):
Yeah.
Shehzad Hanif (40:45):
helps so much.
Self-talk is really important.
Mifrah Mahroof (40:50):
100%.
Very important.
So, um, if we were to move on tothe next question, what would be
a book or a video, somethingthat you watched online that has
helped you level up in yourlife?
Shehzad Hanif (41:01):
I must admit, I'm not really a reader.
I like to work with the mentorswho've read the book.
Mifrah Mahroof (41:06):
Fair enough, yeah, because they help with
implementation.
Shehzad Hanif (41:08):
kind of perspective, yeah, I like to
work with people, andpractically implement what
they've learned, butAlhamdulillah, I've learned, the
Quran, the Hadith of the ProphetSAW are amazing, uh, you know,
guides for us.
I've had some amazing mentors,from the religious aspect.
I've learned from some reallyamazing teachers.
(41:30):
and then I've had some reallygood mentors.
I've benefited from, People likeTony Robbins, for example, in
terms of my coaching journey, Iwould say books like, Unleash
the Power Within, has reallyhelped me to reinterpret some of
the things that were going on in
Mifrah Mahroof (41:42):
It's a good one.
Shehzad Hanif (41:43):
things, which is a book by Tony Robbins that
helped a lot.
I actually came across a TonyRobbins video on YouTube once,
where he transformed someone'smarriage in, I think, six
minutes or eight minutes orsomething.
This is a live sort ofintervention that he'd done.
And when I initially saw him, Iwasn't really impressed at that.
This huge, giant American dude,he's effing and blinding,
(42:05):
swearing and all sorts, and someof the terminology wasn't
necessarily, very appealing froman Islamic perspective, but
because of certain situations Iwas going on in my life, I just
thought, okay, let's just hearthis guy out, and see what's
going on, and then I came acrossthis video of his where he
helped someone transform theirmarriage within eight minutes
using something called humanelite psychology.
(42:25):
I kind of, Alhamdulillah, sortof incorporated that into my
own, coaching as well, but froma very much on a kind of Islamic
holistic perspective.
But it was amazing where he usedthose six human needs to really
under, transform that man'sperception and perspective on
his marriage, that wasdefinitely for me, that was, an
aha moment where I thought, ha,okay, this is something to look
(42:49):
into because I'm going to theimams, I'm going to the
scholars, I'm going to thespiritual retreats and I'm
learning amazing stuff, but forsome reason I'm finding it hard
to practice and implement.
And then coaching has been ablessing for me in my life
because it's shown me how tostrategically work on my
mindset, and try to transformmyself within.
(43:11):
Whereas before I was thinkingthat things on the outside
needed to change.
but I've realized now that, ifthings are positive and if I'm
right psychologically, then theoutside aspects won't affect me
as much I can actually change alot of those things just through
my own perceptions and my ownreality.
(43:31):
so in answer to your question, Iwould say many books have helped
me, but I would say teachers andmentors have probably had more
of a,
Mifrah Mahroof (43:40):
Of course, yeah, they're like the, You have books
and then you have teachers ofenvironmentalists because
they're there to actuallypersonalize it for you and guide
you through it.
So there's so much value in thatand so much value in paying the
money and investing in yourselfbecause that investment will
have bring back, bring so muchgood into your life and change
(44:01):
generational traumas really.
And change what's to come.
So I think that's a veryimportant, thing to look into.
Okay.
my last question is, where canour listeners find you?
Shehzad Hanif (44:13):
Yeah, absolutely.
you can go toguidancecoaching.net we have
some free content that you canview, you can book a free
strategy session with us, wherewe be more than happy to help
put a plan together for yourmarriage search.
Or, for example, if you'remarried and you're going through
some problems, we can help youput a plan together to be able
to navigate some of thechallenges that you're going
(44:34):
through in the marriage, andlike I said, it's about
empowering the individual.
We give you power back, to beable to take control of your
life, take control of yourmarriage search, take control of
what's not going right in yourmarriage.
And the beauty of this system isthat, we don't need anyone else.
it's just about reinterpretingsome of the events and incidents
that happened in your life.
we go step by step with ourclients, to understand what's
(44:58):
happened in their life, whichhas contributed, and how, and
allow them to understand howthat may have contributed to the
predicament, or the challengesthat they're facing now.
And then we give them ablueprint, for success.
And then if they wish to want tocontinue working with us,
because it's always easier tohave that accountability partner
of a coach in your side, ithelps to really fast track the
(45:18):
results.
But if not, like I said, weoffer a free session.
They can pretty much, utilizewhat the plan that we put
together for them in thatsession and just go with it, and
if they choose to go it alone,it's possible as well.
People have had amazing results.
you can email us, we're quiteactive on social media, on
Twitter.
Instagram, you'll find us, underguidance coaching 786 on
(45:40):
Instagram and YouTube and,Facebook.
so yeah, just reach out.
We'll be more than happy toschedule a free strategy
discovery session, with ourBrothers and Sisters,
InshaAllah.
We'll maybe share some linkswith you as well, which is the
part one.
JazakAllah
Mifrah Mahroof (45:53):
Thank you so much, may Allah accept all the
great work that you're doing.
Make it heavy on your scales.
And thank you so much for comingon the show.
Jazakallah
Shehzad Hanif (46:02):
Khair.
Thank you so much Mifrah, it'sreally been, a privilege.
I never though All those yearsago, many years ago, I listened
to some of your podcasts.
I never thought one day I mightbe a guest, so it just goes to
show, right?
If we work on ourselves,anything's possible.
Alhamdulillah.
Mifrah Mahroof (46:17):
Hey everyone.
That wraps up another episodefrom the Muslim Life Hackers
podcast.
I really hope you enjoyed ourchat today.
I've got some great takeaways.
if you like what you heard anddon't want to miss out on our
next conversations, hit thatsubscribe button on YouTube,
Apple Podcasts, Spotify, orwherever you're listening to
this from.
It means a lot to us, and ithelps us reach more people who
can benefit from this show.
(46:37):
Thank you again for tuning in.
Until next time, keep strivingand getting better every day.
What I've actually realized, is that it's
(00:01):
not really the tactics, I wouldsay 80% is the psychology of the
person who's seeking to getmarried and 20% is the actual
tactics, the DMs, the profile,which apps you're on.
Mifrah Mahroof (00:18):
Asalamu alaikum and welcome to the Muslim Life
Hackers podcast.
I'm your host, Mifrah Mahroof,and I'm here with today's
episode.
So if you're a single that'slooking to get married, Then
this episode is for you.
joining me today is ShehzadHanif, a certified Muslim life
coach and the founder ofGuidance Coaching.
He has helped Muslims all overthe world find their soulmate
(00:40):
effortlessly using his four steplove formula.
So I hope you enjoy thisinterview and let's get started.
Assalamu Alaikum.
Welcome to the show.
Shehzad Hanif (00:49):
Wa'alaykumu salamu waraḥmatullah, thank you
so much.
Thank you for having me.
Mifrah Mahroof (00:53):
Well, I am looking forward to this
interview.
I want to start off by justopening up a can of worms,
because I think even discussingthis is like opening up a can of
worms.
So the issue that we have is youhave brothers who are like,
they're good guys, they'repraying, they're working,
they're in a position to getmarried.
And then you also have thepracticing sister, she's ready
(01:15):
to get married.
But the thing is, both of themfeel like, Hey, I can't find
anyone suitable.
Is there something wrong with meor is it that there are just no
good people out there?
But the funny thing is they'reboth having that same thing,
same problem, the brother, thesister.
So what's happening really?
I'm curious to know as, askingan expert like yourself, who
(01:38):
works in this space, help usunravel this.
Shehzad Hanif (01:42):
Jazakallah khair.
Thank you, Sister Mifrah.
It's a pleasure to be on yourpodcast.
And this is really a topic.
It's need of our time.
I really feel it's like the needof our ummah right now, like
Muslim marriages, whether peopleare, going through the marriage
search process, or whetherthey're actually married and
trying to get through thatfirst, like initial phase, the
first year of the first threeyears, there's so many
(02:05):
challenges.
I just feel like there is a lotof things going on at a
subconscious level which we'renot necessarily, privy to.
We're thinking that the problemis with the brothers.
So from a sister's perspective,the sister thinks the problem is
with the brothers.
It's just no good qualitybrothers out there.
The brothers on the other hand,they're thinking like, where's
(02:27):
all the good sisters, it's likethey're looking for a certain
type of man and this is notfair.
And so there's a lot offrustration around this whole
process of trying to find ourspouse.
And, I've done some work withsome real experts in this field,
people like Hafz Al-Din and I'velearned a lot around tactics in
terms of how to design a goodmarriage profile, what should be
(02:50):
the quality of the conversationsyou have.
But what I've actually realized,and it's been a fascinating for
me in terms of my ownunderstanding of my own journey,
is that it's not really thetactics, if I was to quantify.
The success of our marriagesearch into percentages.
I would say 80% is thepsychology of the person, the
brother or the sister who'sseeking to get married and 20%
(03:12):
is the actual tactics, the DMs,the profile, which apps you're
on.
I don't have data to back thatup.
It's just very much kind ofpersonal experience in terms of
the businesses that I've workedwith.
I find again and again, thatit's the psychology, it's the
psychology of the person whichis determining a lot of the
negative emotions that areattached to the whole job
(03:36):
search, or not job search.
but obviously the whole, kind
Mifrah Mahroof (03:39):
kind of like a job search, right?
Shehzad Hanif (03:41):
Yeah, actually, that's true.
There is, a lot of parallels andactually the reason I mention
job search is because I use thatas an example,
Mifrah Mahroof (03:47):
Oh, really?
Shehzad Hanif (03:48):
like, yeah, to kind of try and get the point
home in terms of why people arefinding it so difficult to get
married.
There's a lot of parallelsbetween, the marriage search and
the job search.
It's a really interesting area.
It's been fascinating for me.
I've discovered so much and onething I've realized is that it's
not the outward, it's not theexternal.
it's more the intern and What'sgoing on?
(04:09):
um, at the very conscious, butnot so much conscious as
subconscious level.
Mifrah Mahroof (04:15):
So what is going on?
Shehzad Hanif (04:16):
So it's a lot of it is, it comes down to
childhood, in terms of theexperience that I've had.
But there's a lot of goodbrothers and sisters out there,
MashaAllah, God fearing,practicing, brothers and
sisters.
Let's take, brothers, forexample.
Now, I find that a lot ofbrothers who are finding it hard
to get married.
(04:38):
They had an upbringing where, Icall it the three C's, in their
childhood, they experiencedcriticism.
They experienced, to someextent, a particular parent
being very critical of them,being very closed towards them,
being very controlling towardsthem.
And then what has happened isthat at a subconscious level,
(05:02):
They have built this kind ofopinion of themselves about
themselves.
That they're not worthy of love.
And like I said, all of this ishappening at a very subconscious
level.
if I would say what is the onereason why brothers are finding
it hard to get married, andsisters as well, to be honest,
the reasons are very similar.
(05:23):
I guess for brothers, it's moreto do with their kind of
masculine energy, and in termsof the reason why sisters are
not getting married, it's tosome extent to do with, their
femininity and how that, causesdepolarization in terms of the
two energies, um, which isgetting a little bit deep, but I
don't want to go too deep intokind of, polarization and things
like that.
(05:43):
I just wanna at a very highlevel, Um, Get the point across
that our childhood dictates somuch of what happens in our
outer world, when I say outerworld, I mean the marriage,
search that if you're married,then the quality of that
marriage, sometimes, our mindsetaround money and finance,
whether we feel it's somethingwhich is a good thing, a
(06:04):
positive thing, or have we beenprogrammed from a young age to
feel like it's a bad thing.
I myself, went through my earlyyears, did develop some
negative, emotions around, theopposite gender, and because of
certain experiences that I had,and for example, we know, in our
communities, narcissism is a bigthing.
Mifrah Mahroof (06:24):
yeah,
Shehzad Hanif (06:25):
It's a label which we hear so much now, and
many children have experiencedthat growing up, that they may
have had a particular parent,for example, who was quite, very
narcissistic in the way theyactually raised their child.
And that does have a profoundeffect on every area of our
life.
Obviously we're talking todayabout the marriage search and
(06:46):
why muslim singles are findingit so hard to get married.
The divorce rate in the U.
S., I read somewhere, it's closeto 50%
Mifrah Mahroof (06:52):
something crazy high, right?
Shehzad Hanif (06:53):
you know, that's absurd, right?
We're, kind of competing, like,toe to toe with, the mainstream
now, in terms of, divorce rates.
And in the U.
K., where I reside it's similar,last time I checked, it was
around maybe mid 40s, 45percent, something like that.
So, it's a concern, but I thinkmy message is, maybe slightly
different to a lot of the kindof marriage coaches or the
(07:14):
singles coaches out there whotend to put a lot of emphasis on
the tactical aspect of it.
And what I'm saying is that allthat stuff is relevant, don't
get me wrong, which apps you'reon, what kind of conversations
are you having, what tactics areyou using, how are you getting
your face out there, the DMs,the marriage profile, all those
(07:36):
things are important.
But actually, it comes down to,I find, People just not feeling
good enough, not feeling worthy.
And, if we look at ourrelationship with Allah, which
is really the core essence ofeverything for us as Muslims,
Allah is integral in our lifeand in our marriage search as
(07:59):
well.
But many of us have grown upfeeling unworthy of Allah's
love, no feeling that, he reallyloves us, and if you don't feel
that Allah loves you and you'reworthy of his love and his
forgiveness and his mercy, itthen makes it very hard for you
to be able to reciprocate thatlove with others, to be able to
receive it from others, to beable to give it to others.
(08:22):
And it's fascinating.
I really have found this hasbeen such an epiphany for me.
Every time when I'm on a sessionwith a brother or sister, and I
must say that I find this ismore prevalent with sisters,
more so than brothers,
Mifrah Mahroof (08:37):
hmm,
Shehzad Hanif (08:38):
that when we talk about their relationship with
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, and,we talk about, the fact that
Allah loves them, and they'reworthy of His love, and His
compassion and His mercy, andthere is a feeling of not being
good enough, of not beingworthy, and It just ceases to
amaze me how often that becomesvery apparent early on in the
(09:02):
discussion that there is a lotof, um, unhealed, um, not
necessarily always trauma, butthere's some healing work that
needs to be done based on theirupbringing, based on their
childhood.
So for the brothers, like Imentioned the three C's, they
would have experienced, to someextent, in some way, shape or
(09:23):
form, some aspects of criticism,control, a particular parent may
be enclosed towards them.
Then that, what that does issubconsciously that makes you
feel like you're not goodenough.
You're not worthy.
Something's wrong with you.
And you tend to attract, youtend to attract people who treat
you in that way.
And we feel like, why do Ialways get, attracted to someone
(09:47):
who doesn't respect me for theperson that I am.
you know, it is not respectingme as an individual.
or maybe is judging, and a lotof this is happening, like I
said, it's playing out at a verysubconscious level because we
are accustomed to being treatedin a certain way.
Mifrah Mahroof (10:04):
Hmm.
Shehzad Hanif (10:04):
Our subconscious mind attracts people, attracts
that type of behavior into ourlife.
So it's very normal for sisters,for example, if they had, a
parent who was very critical ofthem,
Mifrah Mahroof (10:15):
Hmm.
Shehzad Hanif (10:17):
let's say they had a father who wasn't really
present for them, sisters tendto, generally have quite a
strong, attachment with fathers,or a need to have that role of a
protector and a provider intheir lives.
And if they didn't have thatwhile they were growing up and,
maybe he wasn't present or maybehe was quite critical, quite
dismissive at a subconsciouslevel, then when they go into
(10:39):
the whole, um, into the big wideworld and, they're having these
conversations with people whocould potentially be their
soulmate or their spouse in thefuture, they find that they
attract people who are quite,they're not present.
They ghost them in the DMs.
That they'll not get back,they'll be if there's someone
(11:00):
that they feel that could bemarriage material, they actually
find during the courting processthat, oh, actually this person
is like, actually quite rude andquite disrespectful.
And it's actually just areenactment of a lot of
experiences they had in theirchildhood.
And for me, this has just beenfascinating, because When I got
involved in coaching with, likesingles coaching and even with
(11:23):
the marital coaching I wasfocusing so much on the tactics
the quality of theconversations, you know that all
of those
Mifrah Mahroof (11:30):
that's what we,
Shehzad Hanif (11:31):
the external Yeah
Mifrah Mahroof (11:32):
In the mainstream.
That's crazy.
That's actually a reallyinteresting point, how you
mentioned that our subconsciousis what's going to be attracting
these things.
And I had a conversation withone of my friends recently.
She's single, she's in herthirties and then she's a really
good sister, MashaAllah, andshe's telling me, why do I
attract, men that are not likethat are interested in
(11:55):
providing, or they just want to,because like she's working, And
they just want to take advantageof her.
And that's the kind of men thatshe keeps attracting.
She doesn't understand why.
Does that also play a part aswell?
The subconscious?
Shehzad Hanif (12:09):
Absolutely.
I mean obviously I don't knowthe specific sister's case, but
based on my experience, I wouldguess You know that there is a
strong chance that, there was inher childhood, there was maybe a
particular parent.
Who wasn't present for her, whowasn't there, many of the
sisters just, they do cravethat.
They do crave that attentionfrom a father, who will make
(12:30):
them feel like a princess andwill give them, that love and
that attention to make them feelgood enough, to make them feel
worthy.
Love from a father, for example,makes it much, much easier for
them to attract the right personinto their life.
So with sisters, for example,what I've found, I refer a lot
to the three U's, so for thebrothers it was the three C's,
(12:51):
for the sisters it's the threeU's.
So a lot of sisters have grownup feeling, unsafe,
Mifrah Mahroof (12:57):
Hmm.
Shehzad Hanif (12:58):
uh, not feeling understood,
Mifrah Mahroof (13:01):
Hmm.
Shehzad Hanif (13:01):
and also feeling unheard.
So unheard, unsafe, and notunderstood,
Mifrah Mahroof (13:08):
Interesting.
Shehzad Hanif (13:09):
and once again, a lot of that stems from a
relationship they may have hadof their youth, uncomfortable
relationship with their mother,for example, and this is not,
what I don't want to do here is,cause fights in people's homes
and, you
Mifrah Mahroof (13:22):
course.
Shehzad Hanif (13:23):
and sisters now going back to their mums and
dads and saying, oh, you're thecause of this, not
Mifrah Mahroof (13:27):
Of course.
Shehzad Hanif (13:27):
the, yeah, that's not the purpose here.
We don't, no blame attached toour parents, okay, I just want
to clarify that.
They are, They are just really,They they They They were raised
in in a way which, caused themto behave in a certain way.
So these are actual,generational patterns of
behavior.
(13:48):
These are being passed downgeneration to generation.
So the beauty of this work thatI do with my classes is that
what we can do actually is say,write.
We're going to be the ones thatare going to put a stop to this,
so that our children don'trepeat the same generational
patterns of behavior, somepeople refer to them as trauma
bonds.
Sister Mifrah, this is such afascinating area.
(14:10):
It's,
Mifrah Mahroof (14:11):
It is.
Shehzad Hanif (14:12):
just can't, I can't emphasize how blown away
I've been with this work.
Like, Every time, when I havethese conversations, when I ask
a brother or sister, whose lovedid you crave more?
which parents love and attentiondid you crave more?
more often than not, they willidentify that they crave the
love and attention of aparticular parent.
(14:32):
And those emotions andexperiences that they felt are
just being repeated in theirmarriage search.
They're attracting the sameperson, the same behavioral
patterns are prevalent and arevery apparent.
So as I mentioned for sisters,there's a lot of, things that
need to be unpacked around themnot feeling understood, feeling
(14:53):
unsafe.
Now just imagine now if you grewup not feeling safe, not feeling
understood.
Not, feeling like your voice isnot heard,
Mifrah Mahroof (15:00):
Yeah.
Shehzad Hanif (15:01):
and then you attract someone like that, into,
in terms of, it's going to causeproblems.
You're going to find it hard toget married.
If you do find someone, it'sgoing to be a lot of challenges
in that marriage because at asubconscious level, you're
attracting that behavior fromthe other person.
And now then just imagine if thebrother, Has also had some of
(15:25):
these challenges, he wascontrolled and he was criticized
and then these two energies cometogether in a marriage and then
what do we do?
We go to counsellors, we go tocoaches and we're working on,
oh, attachment theory andcommunication and we're working
on all this tactical stuff andyet the problem is, it's
happening at a subconsciouslevel, it's so much more deeper
(15:45):
than that.
Mifrah Mahroof (15:46):
Hmm.
Shehzad Hanif (15:47):
Like I said, I don't want to criticize coaches
and counsellors and, Therapistsout there, they're doing great
work, the tactical aspect of itis really important, but there
needs to be more emphasis onChildhood, I always say to
brothers and sisters, so Isomething I've started doing
recently here in my localcommunity and One recent event
one of the brothers asked, Whatwas the number one reason for
(16:10):
success?
In one's marriage search.
I said if you can find someonewho has not had a chaotic
childhood, that is a good signthat InshaAllah you'll have a
happy marriage.
That person is a good candidatefor being your soul mate.
(16:30):
that doesn't mean that if youhad a chaotic childhood, if
there was some, if you did cravethe attention of a particular
parent, or in some extreme casesthere was trauma or abuse, that
doesn't mean that you can't havea happy marriage.
It just means that there's somework that we need to do, there's
some healing that we need to do,and, sometimes people who have
been through those challenges,They end up having the most
amazing marriage, you know,because of the work that they've
(16:53):
done.
Mifrah Mahroof (16:53):
at the end, Allah SWT has, put in our path
this knowledge and this help andall of these things that are out
there to get help.
So if once we recognize that,Hey, Yeah.
I have some issues that I needto, face and deal with, then
that's the first step.
And acknowledging is really thefirst step to be able to get the
right, help and everything.
And yeah, I could completelyagree with you.
(17:15):
Like, it's not about blaming ourparents or something.
It's just acknowledging it.
Okay.
This is how it was like, that'sit.
Now, what can I do about it?
it's very interesting thatyou're speaking about this area
of like Childhood and how thathas an effect.
I completely agree, it's not tosay that the tactics don't have
a place, but I feel like theconversation has to be balanced
out.
And by hearing things like fromcoaches like you, and also
(17:39):
hearing tactics from othercoaches as well, it kind of
balances out that conversation.
So the person who is looking toget married knows that, Hey, if
I have done the best I can withtactics, then maybe I should
also look at another strategy.
Like what else am I missing?
And this subconscious work is soimportant.
And, I started getting into thismyself, just like this year,
(18:00):
like I found out about it and Iwas like, I found out how it
really affects me in very subtleways.
And this is coming from myself.
I'm being someone who's likebeing in the personal growth
space for many years.
Right.
All very tactical.
I never really tapped into thispart of the unconscious as
deeply as I did this year.
And I was like, my gosh, I havea lot of things happening that I
(18:25):
never really understood youknow, and it's not just
marriage, it gets in the way oflike different things in your
life.
Like, you were saying, like job,business, all of these different
things.
I guess it's so important toaddress it.
And that brings me to my nextquestion, really.
So if you've seen that you'rehaving these, you have to start
(18:45):
digging into fixing and healingthese childhood wounds.
Would you also can consider itas that?
Then, what's the next step?
what do you do about it?
Like, how do you find help?
Shehzad Hanif (18:58):
Step number one is acknowledging it, like you
said.
Mifrah Mahroof (19:02):
Hmm.
Shehzad Hanif (19:02):
Acknowledging that, yes, this could well be
the cause for whateverpredicament I'm in.
This could be the fundamentalreason why I'm struggling to get
married, for example.
Mifrah Mahroof (19:14):
Yeah.
Okay.
Shehzad Hanif (19:15):
So once we acknowledge it, then, I think
step two is really accepting aswell, because acknowledgement
and acceptance aren'tnecessarily the same thing,
Mifrah Mahroof (19:24):
Yeah.
True.
Right.
You can be in
Shehzad Hanif (19:26):
because You could, Yeah.
exactly, you could acknowledgeit, but then that could cause a
lot of resentment, as Imentioned earlier, like we don't
want to be blaming our parents.
Mifrah Mahroof (19:35):
Yeah.
Shehzad Hanif (19:36):
more than likely, that they were raised by parents
who, maybe didn't necessarilygive them those, ingredients
that they needed for a happy,flourishing childhood, that
there were certain aspects ofthem that were missing, and
likewise, their parents parents,maybe were, or maybe a
particular parent was quitecontrolling because their parent
was controlling, it's just achain, so we've got to accept
(19:57):
that, this is possible.
This has happened and this is achance for me to redress the
balance and for me to actually,put a stop to this, and make
sure that it doesn't get passeddown.
So it's actually something whichis an opportunity to be a means
for change.
And this is excellent.
And then, you could end updoing, what I've been doing is I
(20:19):
say, hang on a minute, I wantto, take this further.
I want to help others.
so that, the things that I'velearnt,
Mifrah Mahroof (20:25):
Yeah,
Shehzad Hanif (20:25):
can be passed on.
I'm not saying everybody outthere has to become a coach,
Mifrah Mahroof (20:29):
of course.
Shehzad Hanif (20:30):
or therapist, or counsellor, but there is people
we could help around us.
this is the mindset we need tohave, that acknowledge it,
accept it, and then let's go onto now the implementation aspect
of it, in terms of the how.
So, we've now identified thewhat, what's really going on
Mifrah Mahroof (20:48):
that's true.
Mm-Hmm
Shehzad Hanif (20:50):
and which, in a nutshell, it's about us not
feeling good enough.
It's just simple.
It really is as simple as that.
We grew up, many of us notfeeling enough.
I can't put it in much simplerwords than that.
Um, yes, we could go intosubconscious mind and how it
works and feminine and masculineenergy, but that would make
(21:10):
things a lot more, make it sounda lot more complicated than what
it really is.
Ultimately we just grew uphaving some feelings of
unworthiness.
Just not being enough.
So once now we've identifiedthat, then the next step really
is like, okay, so then how do weactually change this?
And I think that's where therole of, you know, counselor or
(21:33):
therapist and some counselorsand therapists and coaches are
better than others.
You just have to find someonewho's a good match for you.
A lot of sisters will reach outto brothers because it helps
them to understand how men arethinking.
So most of the clients thatreach out to me are sisters.
and that's fine.
it's not necessarily, I didn'tkind of strategically plan it
(21:54):
for it to happen that way.
But I feel like it just givesthem a brother's perspective.
and, Alhamdulillah, as long as Ican be of service, that's fine.
But, in terms of the actualimplementation aspect of it, it
really is not difficult, wedon't have to do, like, things
that we feel uncomfortabledoing, or things that we're not
(22:14):
used to doing.
For example, I put in my work, Iput a lot of emphasis on
repetition, because repetitionis a key to learning.
The mind, whether it's theconscious mind, the subconscious
mind, it learns throughrepetition.
So what I try to get brothersand sisters to do is because
we're Muslim, because we believein Allah, we have some common
values.
We have this belief system.
(22:36):
So I just utilized that, I said,okay, let's spend five minutes a
day just talking to Allah SWT.
And people do this already, youknow, they read Quran, they do
adhkar, they do dhikr.
So I just say, just add thiscomponent to your recitations or
your daily, spiritual tool kit,if you want to call it that.
And just spend five minutes infront of the mirror, or with a
(22:57):
journal, and just talk aboutyour relationship with Allah.
You know, at the top, just, ifyou always want a mind map, just
in the middle, have like, Allahloves me.
All right.
And now focus because I'mrepeating again and again, Allah
loves me, then that makes iteasier for me to have a very
loving relationship with Allahas opposed to what most of us
(23:19):
have is a very fearfulrelationship.
I certainly did.
I
Mifrah Mahroof (23:24):
Yeah.
Shehzad Hanif (23:24):
had a lot of negative emotions around my
relationship with Allah SWT.
You could be praying five times.
You could be praying Tahajjud
Mifrah Mahroof (23:33):
Mm.
Shehzad Hanif (23:34):
yet, you don't really feel worthy of Allah's
forgiveness.
Okay.
You feel, you know, that becauseof certain situations maybe many
of us, had some things in ourpast life which we're not proud
of.
Mifrah Mahroof (23:45):
Yeah, there's a sense of hopelessness, right?
Shehzad Hanif (23:48):
hopelessness, maybe due to sins or maybe like,
for example, reverts, had a veryChallenging kind of life, and
when they find Allah, they findthe light, it can be quite, it
can be some flashbacks and somechallenges, for them in terms of
trying to actually, let go ofthose emotions and those,
reminders from their past whichthey're not proud of.
(24:10):
So, we have to be happy, let goof those negative emotions.
we hear this from our teachers,they say that Allah loves us.
It's mentioned in thenarrations, Allah loves us 70
times more than our own mother.
Mifrah Mahroof (24:25):
Subhanallah.
Shehzad Hanif (24:25):
So, the way I try to use that in some of the
coaching sessions, I say, well,If Allah loves us 70 times more
than our own mother, should wenot love ourselves a little bit?
maybe like one iota of thatlove, an atom of love for
ourself, why not?
And when I say that, you cantell, there's this silence, it's
(24:47):
just like this aha moment, it'slike, yeah, that's true.
There was one sister, I'll neverforget, we were having this
conversation, at the end of mysessions, What I tend to do is I
get, try to inculcate some selflove, so I get them to give
themselves a high five.
I say, just say, Alhamdulillah,I'm awesome.
the sister, she just went quiet,and she said, no, I would never
(25:10):
say that.
Mifrah Mahroof (25:11):
Yeah,
Shehzad Hanif (25:12):
I just smiled, and I said, why would you say
that you're awesome?
she just replied, oh no, I just,I don't feel comfortable.
Saying that it doesn't seemappropriate and so I had to
actually explain, I said, look,this is Allah's plan for us.
He loves us more than our ownmothers, 70 times more than our
mothers.
And just imagine how much painand how much trouble and how
(25:35):
much difficulty they wentthrough, endured, to bring us
into this life and then to raiseus and take care of us.
The sleepless nights theyendured when we were not feeling
well, we could never, if we hadto work out how much they spent
on us financially, we can neverrepay them, right?
So surely we can, we can showsome love for ourselves.
I find this is such a bigproblem in our community.
Like, self love is a massiveissue.
Mifrah Mahroof (25:57):
hmm,
Shehzad Hanif (25:58):
So in the end, she just said, No, that's true.
And she then, she kind of said,OK, Alhamdulillah, I'm Muslim.
Mifrah Mahroof (26:05):
Alhamdulillah,
Shehzad Hanif (26:05):
you know, that was really nice.
But it's a recurring theme.
It's a recurring pattern.
Mifrah Mahroof (26:11):
hmm,
Shehzad Hanif (26:12):
is this very negative, some negative
emotions.
around our relationship withAllah SWT, which does impinge on
and, has a direct impact on thisarea of, marriages.
And, I really find repetition,as I mentioned, is key here, you
know, when we tell what AllahSWT,
Mifrah Mahroof (26:32):
thing about how reminders benefit a believer.
So by repeating that reminder,it benefits us, right?
even like that, how youmentioned how Allah's love is 70
times greater than a mother'slove.
And like, when I used to hearthat before I became a mother,
it was very theoretical, right?
But then after I gave birth tomy daughter, which was very
(26:52):
recently, I never understood howmuch love I can hold in my
heart.
Like it's something that youfeel after you become a mother.
And to know that Allah SWT hasloves us even more, 70 times
more.
It's like my heart feels likeit's like bursting with love.
And I've never experienced thatin my life, except after I had
(27:16):
my own child.
So, and now that hadith,actually, like these teachings
from our Deen, I feel it in adifferent way.
Having experienced that as themother, SubhanAllah, It's very
powerful, right?
So I guess from what it soundslike, of all of this inner work
and stuff, so it seems like youcan't just get married and it
(27:37):
solves these problems.
Shehzad Hanif (27:39):
I mean, unfortunately, yeah, there is
some work that we need to do.
Mifrah Mahroof (27:43):
Yeah.
Shehzad Hanif (27:44):
Yes, some people can get married and then they
can work out, certaindifferences, they can reconcile
certain situations, but it'sjust a lot more easier to do
this work,
Mifrah Mahroof (27:56):
Yeah.
Shehzad Hanif (27:57):
doors, it's so much easier.
I've struggled in this.
I'm speaking personally now, Istruggle so much in this area
and my why in terms of why I dothis work is I just don't want,
my community, I don't want ourbrothers and sisters to have to
go through this.
problems, I grew up, like reallycraving my father's attention,
(28:20):
this is like, this work that I'mdoing, I'm the proof is in the
pudding for me, because I canresonate to it because of my own
journey, all I really wantedwas, for him to look me in the
eye and say, Shehzad, my son,I'm proud of you, and I still
remember when I was a kid, I didthis essay in English and I got
a really good mark for it
Mifrah Mahroof (28:40):
Hmm.
Shehzad Hanif (28:41):
he was having a shave in the bathroom and I went
up to him and, I said, Dad, Dad,look, I got this grade and,
bless him, he was getting readyfor work and, obviously he's
just, he just didn't really kindof give much, much of a
response.
Mifrah Mahroof (28:52):
Hmm.
Shehzad Hanif (28:53):
But, I still remember that to this day so
vividly, and what I didn'trealize, until very recently in
my life was that how experienceslike that impact us at a very
subconscious level.
And now I realize that incidentslike that help to form emotions
around lack of self worth, thatI wasn't worthy.
(29:13):
And I took that into my deen aswell, so when I started
practicing my religion, thefeelings of lack of self worth,
not being worthy of Allah'sforgiveness, were very
prevalent.
but now, I like to spend sometime in my day, thanking Allah,
telling myself that,Alhamdulillah, Allah loves me,
and because Allah loves me, Ifind it easy to give love and
(29:35):
receive love from others.
I like to tell myself that, I'mworthy of Allah's forgiveness
because I'm worthy of Allah'sforgiveness.
I find it easy to forgiveothers, and others find it easy
to forgive me, and when I repeatthese things, sometimes I'll
even look at myself in themirror, and just praise Allah,
and some people might find thata bit woo woo, it's not,
personally, I just treat it as aform of Ibadah, it's worship for
(29:58):
me, when I praise my Creator,and there's different ways of
doing it.
some people like to write, somepeople like to affirm things
verbally, some people like tovisualize and just sit there,
after their prayer and justthink about the blessings, that
Allah has bestowed them with,whatever works for the
individual.
But I found,
Mifrah Mahroof (30:17):
Hmm.
Shehzad Hanif (30:18):
in terms of how to help people overcome these
challenges, I use a veryholistic approach.
So we focus on mind, body, soul,where with the mind we're
focusing on.
What you're thinking about interms of your relationship with
Allah, what you say, just usingall your faculties, what you're
hearing, what you're seeing, andtrying to put a very positive
outlook on.
(30:39):
those interpretations that wehave, in terms of the body
aspect, we'd really look intopeople's, that's more the
tactics.
Mifrah Mahroof (30:46):
Yeah.
Getting into tactics.
Hmm.
exercise,
Shehzad Hanif (30:49):
nutrition,
Mifrah Mahroof (30:50):
sleep,
Shehzad Hanif (30:51):
uh, because these things have an impact on our
well being, general well being,and then soul, we look at like
the quality of our duas, I usedto always, be asking for
forgiveness, and don't get mewrong, that's a great thing,
yeah.
But what about shukr?
What about actually startingyour du'a with saying Oh Allah I
love you, Oh Allah I really loveyou, I really love you.
(31:13):
Oh Allah you've forgiven me somuch, you've given me family,
you're allowing me to repent,that in itself is a gift.
And then by all means asking forforgiveness and I'm not saying
that we shouldn't cry, Allahloves that, He loves us when we
humble ourselves.
But, the more empowering yourrelationship with your Creator.
It's going to help you flourishin every area of your life,
(31:36):
every area of your life.
And I think that is where weneed to make Allah central.
So, for example, going back tothe example of the mind map, in
the middle you have Allah lovesme.
And then, you can branch outfrom there and say, because of
that, now, I find it easier tolove myself and then another
aspect or another branch of thatis I find it easier to give love
(31:58):
to others, my family, myfriends, my community, and then
another branch is because of thefact that I now am so convinced
and so sure that And I repeatevery day that Allah loves me,
other people find it easy toshow me love.
I find it easy to receive lovefrom other people.
Mifrah Mahroof (32:14):
Hmm.
Shehzad Hanif (32:14):
And, uh, the opportunities that end this, can
you see where we're going withthis?
marriage is just one aspect thatcan flourish.
It opens up possibilities andopens up the floodgates for
every area of our lives.
So many different areas.
I grew up thinking money wasbad.
Money didn't, I used to hearthings like, money doesn't grow
on trees.
Rich people are greedy anddeceitful and they cheat.
(32:34):
But now I'm like, wow, Ya Allah,bless me with more, make my rizq
vast.
So that I can spend on yourcreation and take care of my
family and praise you and bringpeople towards you, oh Allah.
This is what I ask for now,whereas before I never used to
include money or wealth in mydu'as.
It changes your life, and I feellike I'm on the beginning of a
(32:54):
new journey.
I feel like I started a newchapter, like, at this stage of
my life, right?
So, um,
Mifrah Mahroof (33:01):
exciting, right?
Very, very exciting.
Shehzad Hanif (33:03):
it is, there's hope for everyone.
Yeah,
Mifrah Mahroof (33:07):
Alhamdulillah.
I think like even that wholeaffirmation thing, one thing
that has been helping me waslike, I would record it myself
and listen to it while I likeprepare breakfast in the
morning, for example, because itreminds me of who I am.
And what I want to stand for andjust reminds me, cause you know,
when you wake up, you can wakeup quite negative or if you
didn't sleep well or something.
(33:28):
And then just hearing thatagain, Allah swt loves me.
And all of these affirmations islike, it makes a difference.
And yeah, like you were saying,sometimes for some people it
sounds woo woo, but I feel thatsometimes we think that sounds
woo woo, But we think that,cause we haven't tried it,
right?
So, yeah, but I wonder though,do you find that males will find
(33:50):
it even more harder to addressthis emotional component?
Cause you know, us females, wetalk about emotions a lot and
this and that, and for you toget vulnerable like this and,
say that these are the things weneed to address.
Shehzad Hanif (34:02):
yeah, there is.
It can be a little bit moretricky with brothers, but I
think the beauty of our faith isthat we all pray, right?
Alhamdulillah, we all Believe inAllah SWT.
We all make du'a.
I use a concept called dreamdu'as, okay.
it doesn't matter whether it'sbrothers or sisters, we all
believe in the power of du'a.
We all know that du'a is theweapon of the believer, right?
(34:23):
all I'm saying here is, and thisisn't like, nobody can really
dispute this is that we justneed to improve the quality of
our Dua.
That's all we're doing, andwhether that Dua is in the form
of journaling, whether it's inthe form of, actually verbally
saying things, whether it'slistening, like yourself, which
is excellent, by the way, Ireally recommend people do that.
(34:43):
They actually, listen tosomething, some kind of audio.
It's their own voice, brilliant,but some people don't feel
comfortable recordingthemselves, listen A coach or a
mentor or, you know, some, likea meditation audio doesn't
necessarily have to be anIslamic one, as long as you
understand it from an Islamicperspective,
Mifrah Mahroof (34:59):
Yeah.
Shehzad Hanif (35:00):
that's the main thing.
There's certain audios andmeditations that I listen to,
they're not Muslims, but I'veturned them into Dua, I've
customized it, right?
So, just make a du'a list, youknow, make a du'a list, Oh
Allah, like, let's give a coupleof examples of dream du'as that
brothers and sisters can makefor their marriage, yeah?
Oh Allah, thank you for blessingme with a beautiful spouse.
Oh Allah, thank you for blessingme with my soul mate, someone
(35:22):
who cares for me, who makes mefeel safe and certain that I am
with my soul mate and that thismarriage is going to last.
It's going to be a beautiful,eternal relationship, right,
we're going to be together inthis world and I'm going to have
a beautiful hereafter.
Now just imagine that that the,vibration that Dua is on
compared to
Mifrah Mahroof (35:41):
So that du'a is coming from a perspective of
you've already, Allah SWT hasalready granted to you and it's
that level of certainty.
Shehzad Hanif (35:48):
yeah.
Because that's isn't it?
That's your, and Allah says tous that I deal with my servants
according to the expectation ofme.
Right?
So if we really believe he'sgonna give, then that becomes
like a means for to get fasttracked.
You know, ultimately, you know,Allah SWT is in control of
everything.
Though ours are accepted when hewishes, he's the one who gives
us, tawfik to make dua in thefirst place.
Mifrah Mahroof (36:10):
Hmm.
Shehzad Hanif (36:11):
But, there are certain occasions, certain
situations where du'as can beaccepted by Allah SWT, like
instantly, he's in control.
We just need to do our bit andleave the rest to him.
it's just like an athlete.
They take care of their food,their nutrition.
They make sure they're in greatshape, we have the Olympics
going on at the moment, and thenthe success will come from
(36:32):
Allah.
If Allah wills for them tosucceed, they will, otherwise,
you could be healthy.
You could have the best diet andyou can still get a heart
attack.
May Allah protect everyone.
Al Fatiha.
You do your bit.
So we have to do our bit.
Make our duas powerful withyaqeen, with certainty.
Now compare that to someonewho's making dua, Oh Allah,
forgive me, oh Allah, you know,why am I not getting married, oh
(36:57):
Allah
Mifrah Mahroof (36:59):
Yeah, I see.
Shehzad Hanif (36:59):
with my soulmate?
When will I,
Mifrah Mahroof (37:01):
it doesn't sound very hopeful, that having that
yaqeen in Allah SWT, that He isgoing to give, because you
already feel like, oh, you know,I, yeah.
Shehzad Hanif (37:11):
And, you know, I just feel that's missing.
And, no one can disagree withthe power of Dua.
And I try to utilize that in thework that I do.
So that both brothers andsisters
Mifrah Mahroof (37:21):
very good point.
I like it.
I think I need to start addingthat into my affirmations list
as well, about coming from a
Shehzad Hanif (37:29):
it's quite tricky,
Mifrah Mahroof (37:30):
Alhamdulillah.
Allah SWT has given me, the goalthat I want and everything.
So that's a very powerful.
Thank you so much for sharing.
I think even if you were sayingearlier, like this whole
subconscious work, it's not justin.
Marriage that it helps you ingetting married.
It's having a better marriageand even in different areas of
your life, like you said, moneyand, business and all of this
(37:50):
stuff.
So very important.
And, Great insights.
I know that we're really closeto ending off the interview and,
this topic is really interestingfor me as well, but I'm mindful
of the time and your time hereas well.
So let's get to the questionsthat we ask all our guests.
What would you say is one lifehack that has improved your
(38:13):
life?
Shehzad Hanif (38:14):
MashaAllah, so many things, if I could choose
one, I would say gratitude haschanged my life, obviously as
Muslims, gratitude is somethingwhich is fundamental in our
daily life.
we pray, we give sadaqa, we havethe five pillars of Islam.
All of this is, related to,showing gratitude to Allah SWT.
(38:36):
The prayer, for example, we dosujood, we rub our nose on the
ground, we bow to him.
that is a kind of an optimalform of gratitude, but many of
us, we do it in autopilot, it'sjust, we're going through the
motions, we're praying thesalah, we're not really focusing
on the meanings.
Mifrah Mahroof (38:52):
right?
Shehzad Hanif (38:53):
Yeah, I honestly, like, it took a non Muslim, so
my mentor was a non Muslim, andI was in a very low point in my
life, maybe five or six yearsago, and, he started helping me,
and I couldn't even afford acoach at that time, but he
started giving me 10 15 minuteshere and there on the phone, and
he just taught me gratitude,honestly, and then I thought,
hey, this is our, this guy isteaching
Mifrah Mahroof (39:13):
Yeah, I
Shehzad Hanif (39:14):
me the deen, this is
Mifrah Mahroof (39:15):
you learn from the mainstream and then you're
like, Oh, this is already in ourdeen and you like connect it.
That's what I've been finding aswell.
It is.
Shehzad Hanif (39:25):
know, It's helped me so much, just kind of being,
don't get me wrong, I have lotsof challenges in my life, it's
not like everything just hasdisappeared and life is so
wonderful, I don't want to paintthat picture at all, there's a
lot of challenges, but I'mbetter equipped to deal with
them.
Mifrah Mahroof (39:39):
But you're choosing
Shehzad Hanif (39:40):
not gonna now,
Mifrah Mahroof (39:41):
good and in a better state of mind when you do
that.
Shehzad Hanif (39:45):
absolutely, we all engage in, self talk.
So all I'm saying here to ourbrothers and sisters is, why not
engage in positive self talk,rather than negative self talk?
so for example, if a brother orsister is having problems
getting married, now, if theytell everyone that they meet, I
can't get my lead.
No matter what I do, I keepfinding these, absolute trash,
(40:09):
yeah?
That's going to become yourreality.
Mifrah Mahroof (40:11):
Yeah.
Shehzad Hanif (40:12):
You're attracting, low quality people
into your life because you talkabout it so much, it's become
your reality.
Whereas, if someone asks you,How's my research going?
Alhamdulillah, it's going reallywell, MashaAllah, I'm meeting
some really good people and I'mconfident, InshaAllah, with
Allah's help.
I'm gonna find the right personvery, very soon.
it's gonna be the good, it'sgonna be the right person for
(40:33):
me, or she's gonna be mysoulmate.
There's, a way to engage withourselves, and this is what I
mean, if there's no one to speakto, if you don't like writing,
look at the mirror and talk toyourself in a positive way.
Mifrah Mahroof (40:45):
Yeah.
Shehzad Hanif (40:45):
helps so much.
Self-talk is really important.
Mifrah Mahroof (40:50):
100%.
Very important.
So, um, if we were to move on tothe next question, what would be
a book or a video, somethingthat you watched online that has
helped you level up in yourlife?
Shehzad Hanif (41:01):
I must admit, I'm not really a reader.
I like to work with the mentorswho've read the book.
Mifrah Mahroof (41:06):
Fair enough, yeah, because they help with
implementation.
Shehzad Hanif (41:08):
kind of perspective, yeah, I like to
work with people, andpractically implement what
they've learned, butAlhamdulillah, I've learned, the
Quran, the Hadith of the ProphetSAW are amazing, uh, you know,
guides for us.
I've had some amazing mentors,from the religious aspect.
I've learned from some reallyamazing teachers.
(41:30):
and then I've had some reallygood mentors.
I've benefited from, People likeTony Robbins, for example, in
terms of my coaching journey, Iwould say books like, Unleash
the Power Within, has reallyhelped me to reinterpret some of
the things that were going on in
Mifrah Mahroof (41:42):
It's a good one.
Shehzad Hanif (41:43):
things, which is a book by Tony Robbins that
helped a lot.
I actually came across a TonyRobbins video on YouTube once,
where he transformed someone'smarriage in, I think, six
minutes or eight minutes orsomething.
This is a live sort ofintervention that he'd done.
And when I initially saw him, Iwasn't really impressed at that.
This huge, giant American dude,he's effing and blinding,
(42:05):
swearing and all sorts, and someof the terminology wasn't
necessarily, very appealing froman Islamic perspective, but
because of certain situations Iwas going on in my life, I just
thought, okay, let's just hearthis guy out, and see what's
going on, and then I came acrossthis video of his where he
helped someone transform theirmarriage within eight minutes
using something called humanelite psychology.
(42:25):
I kind of, Alhamdulillah, sortof incorporated that into my
own, coaching as well, but froma very much on a kind of Islamic
holistic perspective.
But it was amazing where he usedthose six human needs to really
under, transform that man'sperception and perspective on
his marriage, that wasdefinitely for me, that was, an
aha moment where I thought, ha,okay, this is something to look
(42:49):
into because I'm going to theimams, I'm going to the
scholars, I'm going to thespiritual retreats and I'm
learning amazing stuff, but forsome reason I'm finding it hard
to practice and implement.
And then coaching has been ablessing for me in my life
because it's shown me how tostrategically work on my
mindset, and try to transformmyself within.
(43:11):
Whereas before I was thinkingthat things on the outside
needed to change.
but I've realized now that, ifthings are positive and if I'm
right psychologically, then theoutside aspects won't affect me
as much I can actually change alot of those things just through
my own perceptions and my ownreality.
(43:31):
so in answer to your question, Iwould say many books have helped
me, but I would say teachers andmentors have probably had more
of a,
Mifrah Mahroof (43:40):
Of course, yeah, they're like the, You have books
and then you have teachers ofenvironmentalists because
they're there to actuallypersonalize it for you and guide
you through it.
So there's so much value in thatand so much value in paying the
money and investing in yourselfbecause that investment will
have bring back, bring so muchgood into your life and change
(44:01):
generational traumas really.
And change what's to come.
So I think that's a veryimportant, thing to look into.
Okay.
my last question is, where canour listeners find you?
Shehzad Hanif (44:13):
Yeah, absolutely.
you can go toguidancecoaching.net we have
some free content that you canview, you can book a free
strategy session with us, wherewe be more than happy to help
put a plan together for yourmarriage search.
Or, for example, if you'remarried and you're going through
some problems, we can help youput a plan together to be able
to navigate some of thechallenges that you're going
(44:34):
through in the marriage, andlike I said, it's about
empowering the individual.
We give you power back, to beable to take control of your
life, take control of yourmarriage search, take control of
what's not going right in yourmarriage.
And the beauty of this system isthat, we don't need anyone else.
it's just about reinterpretingsome of the events and incidents
that happened in your life.
we go step by step with ourclients, to understand what's
(44:58):
happened in their life, whichhas contributed, and how, and
allow them to understand howthat may have contributed to the
predicament, or the challengesthat they're facing now.
And then we give them ablueprint, for success.
And then if they wish to want tocontinue working with us,
because it's always easier tohave that accountability partner
of a coach in your side, ithelps to really fast track the
(45:18):
results.
But if not, like I said, weoffer a free session.
They can pretty much, utilizewhat the plan that we put
together for them in thatsession and just go with it, and
if they choose to go it alone,it's possible as well.
People have had amazing results.
you can email us, we're quiteactive on social media, on
Twitter.
Instagram, you'll find us, underguidance coaching 786 on
(45:40):
Instagram and YouTube and,Facebook.
so yeah, just reach out.
We'll be more than happy toschedule a free strategy
discovery session, with ourBrothers and Sisters,
InshaAllah.
We'll maybe share some linkswith you as well, which is the
part one.
JazakAllah
Mifrah Mahroof (45:53):
Thank you so much, may Allah accept all the
great work that you're doing.
Make it heavy on your scales.
And thank you so much for comingon the show.
Jazakallah
Shehzad Hanif (46:02):
Khair.
Thank you so much Mifrah, it'sreally been, a privilege.
I never though All those yearsago, many years ago, I listened
to some of your podcasts.
I never thought one day I mightbe a guest, so it just goes to
show, right?
If we work on ourselves,anything's possible.
Alhamdulillah.
Mifrah Mahroof (46:17):
Hey everyone.
That wraps up another episodefrom the Muslim Life Hackers
podcast.
I really hope you enjoyed ourchat today.
I've got some great takeaways.
if you like what you heard anddon't want to miss out on our
next conversations, hit thatsubscribe button on YouTube,
Apple Podcasts, Spotify, orwherever you're listening to
this from.
It means a lot to us, and ithelps us reach more people who
can benefit from this show.
(46:37):
Thank you again for tuning in.
Until next time, keep strivingand getting better every day.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
Ridiculous History
History is beautiful, brutal and, often, ridiculous. Join Ben Bowlin and Noel Brown as they dive into some of the weirdest stories from across the span of human civilization in Ridiculous History, a podcast by iHeartRadio.