Discovering the Heartbeat of America: A Father-Daughter Odyssey Through Pain and Healing

Embark with me, Kelly Bauer, on a deeply emotional expedition across the American landscape, one that weaves through the formidable Grand Canyon to the soulful rhythm of New Orleans, all while unraveling the intricate threads of a relationship between a father and daughter. With each mile, we peel back the layers of my father's silent struggle with cancer, his battle with PTSD, and the scars of mental illness, revealing not just the pain but also the profound moments of joy and revelation. From witnessing my dad's dream come true on the edge of the Grand Canyon to sharing the vibrance of the streets of New Orleans, these are the stories of dreams realized, of simple Southern comforts, and of long-sought healing.

The journey doesn't pause at just sightseeing; it's a pilgrimage of transformation and acceptance. As the train carves its way through the breathtaking Royal Gorge, we share laughter and tears, embracing the beauty of unconditional love that softens even the toughest of exteriors. The ghostly whispers of Savannah offer unexpected wisdom, steering us towards a new understanding of belief and possibility. Join us for an intimate glimpse into the power of forgiveness, the discovery of self-worth, and the unspoken bond that defines family. This is more than an adventure—it's a passage through the heart, and you're invited to come along for the ride.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to my beautiful bipolar life.
I am your host, kelly Bauer.
On today's episode, we aregoing to journey back to the day
that began the greatest bucketlist journey in history August
15th 2020.
We made it just four days aftermy father's 63rd birthday.

(00:23):
We began our 17-day bucket listjourney on August 15th Grand
Canyon, las Vegas, denver, newOrleans and Savannah All the
places my father had never beena conversation we just had in
January.
Looking back, I think my dadknew he had cancer and didn't

(00:45):
tell me that he would let it runits course just as his father
had done.
I Remember asking him if he wasdying.
When he told me he was going totravel the country in his car,
he laughed it off and we didn'tspeak of it again.
My first goal in my father'scancer journey was accomplished
he made it to his 63rd birthday.

(01:06):
Next was the open road.
At this point, covid was infull swing.
A cruise was supposed to bepart of our itinerary, but it
was canceled prior to the trip,so our first stop was the Grand
Canyon, the place my father wasmost excited to visit.
The canyon was perfect just usand nature.

(01:28):
It was never on my must-seelist, but I will tell you if you
can go.
It was so majestic and peaceful.
The first thing my dad was takeoff his shirt and light up a
joint.
He said being high at the GrandCanyon was his life's dream.
Because addiction was such apart of my life growing up, that

(01:52):
statement absolutely disgustedme, but now I get it.
One thing that I learned fromour time together was to accept
my father as he was.
It helped me to understand him,his struggles with PTSD from
war, physical mental abuse fromhis parents, mental illness.
I Would learn that our brainswere more like than I had ever

(02:16):
realized.
When I looked at my father asRandy, the human being, the
adult, and not dad, it changedeverything.
It didn't mean I forgot what hedid, but I did forgive him for
everything and it wasn't a passbecause he was dying.

(02:37):
It was a chance for me to healand help find the little girl
who got lost.
I Later realized that I couldhonor his death by Living a life
that was authentic, peacefuland aligned with my life's
purpose.
I Could only get that withforgiveness, and although his

(02:57):
attitude was amazing overall,his bad habits would creep in.
I Would remind him thatalthough I love him, I have no
obligation to care for him.
I Acknowledged his fear andpain, but I also reminded him
that I was not responsible forit and I would not accept

(03:19):
anything less than respect andlove.
I only had to do that a handfulof times.
He really was trying to be notonly the best version of himself
, but he also wanted to be thedad I needed.
So next stop Vegas.
I was still working during mytrip.

(03:39):
It's funny that the worst yearof my personal life was the best
in my career.
We had just arrived at theWaldorf Historia, a place that I
could only afford during COVIDBecause I'm a Diamond member of
Hilton.
I asked for an upgrade.
They gave us a corner suite.
It was magical and I was sograteful.

(04:01):
Hilton really is the best.
I love Hilton.
But that didn't stop my dad frombeing agitated.
I had spent the last hour and ahalf on a call with my board.
After hours he wanted me to getoff the call because he was
hungry.
That wasn't something that washappening since chemo and I

(04:21):
really should have gotten off,but I wanted my board to know
that I was committed to my work.
I wish I had loved myself moreand realized that I was enough.
I had just secured the largestbequest in the organization's
history.
But as a trauma survivor, Ialways felt the need to prove my
worth.
Societal expectations enforcethat notion.

(04:44):
I finished my call and, for thefirst time in my life, I told
my father exactly how I felt.
That moment would changeeverything.
It was then that I began torealize my worth and would
actively begin to eliminateanything that said less.
The last time I was in Vegas,my partner tried to end my life.

(05:08):
It was so poetically tragicthat the next time I would be
here would be because my fatherwas going to die.
Later in this podcast, you willlearn about my third trip to
Vegas in 2023.
A true testament to the workand love that I poured into
myself during my dad's journey.
I have to say my favorite partof Vegas was watching my dad

(05:32):
make a wish as he blew out hiscandles on his first ever baked
Alaska at the top of the worldrestaurant in the Strat Hotel.
Watching the grin on his face,as if he already knew his wish
would come true, is something Iwill never forget.
I didn't ask him what the wishwas because it wouldn't come

(05:52):
true, but I could tell by thelook on his face.
That wish was for me and hejust knew it was going to come
true.
Next up was the place I was mostexcited for New Orleans.
That place feels like home tome.
For me, new Orleans is aboutliving out loud.

(06:14):
I love the culture, food, musicand especially the people.
I have to say that when a blackwoman in New Orleans calls me
baby, I felt like she just putall the good juju on me.
Truly, it fills my heart withjoy.
I took my dad to all of myfavorite places, including the

(06:35):
New Orleans School of Cooking.
I shared my story with theinstructor and he picked my dad
to help him cook.
Watching him up there cookingand smiling and truly living his
best life Got me a level ofgratitude and joy that is
immeasurable.
But my favorite experience wasthe swamp boat tour my whole

(06:56):
life.
If I asked my dad something andhe didn't really care or wasn't
paying attention, he would justkind of say yeah, flippantly.
I remember being on the boatand asking him if he was having
fun and he just kind of turnedto me and said yeah.
I think he saw the look in myeyes because he realized what he
had done and quickly said thatwas pretty neat, with a really,

(07:20):
really wide smile.
Smiling was something he hadnot done in many, many years.
The man known for a beautifulsmile had let it deteriorate
from smoking and depression.
He had not smiled like that fora long time.
But over the course of ourjourney he never stopped smiling
, even in his final days.

(07:43):
Through New Orleans.
We headed to Denver.
My dad loved trains.
We had taken one while we werein the Grand Canyon and I found
a dinner ride through the RoyalGorge.
It was breathtaking and thefood was incredible.
Watching my dad stare out thewindow like an eight-year-old
boy with such wonder and awe wasa gift.

(08:05):
My dad spent his career in themilitary.
He grew up with physical abuse.
He was tough by design and life.
Watching his exterior softenmade me proud.
My unconditional love wasallowing him to be free of his
trauma.
It was magical.

(08:25):
Last stop was one of myabsolute favorite places on
Earth Savannah, georgia.
All I cared about was sweet tea, mac and cheese and gophers.
My dad wanted to go on a ghosttour, which I was surprised by.
I didn't even realize that hebelieved in ghosts Watching him

(08:48):
during that tour.
Let me see another side of him.
That moment would set atrajectory for the things that
would change my life forever.
It would open my mind and heartto things that I never dreamed
of.
It would be the catalyst for alife filled with possibilities,
impossible becoming more andmore of a fleeting thought.