Embracing Goodbye: A Journey of Resilience, Love, and Gratitude

The rollercoaster of life's harshest trials has a way of unveiling the profound strength and gratitude within us all. Join me, Kelly Bauer, as I take you on a deeply personal journey marked by my father's battle with cancer, the cherished moments filming the Puppy Bowl, and the unforeseen tragedy of my son's accident. Our latest episode is a testament to the resilience of family bonds and the unexpected places where hope can be found—like the idea for a community-supporting cafe born in the quiet of an ICU bathroom. Listen in as we navigate the complexities of grief and the bittersweet process of learning to let go, including the farewell to my beloved pit bull, Jackson, amidst a Christmas of poignant firsts and lasts.

There's an indescribable poignancy in the final conversations between a parent and child, something this episode explores with raw honesty. I'll share the treasured six weeks I had with my father, filled with music and laughter, which later gave way to an intimate goodbye that will forever be etched in my heart. The narrative reaches a crescendo as I recount the sacred moment of his passing, providing a space for listeners to reflect on love, loss, and the serenity of being present in the final chapter of a loved one's life story. Experience the emotional farewell and the peace that comes with embracing the beauty in goodbye.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to my beautiful bipolar life.
I am your host, kelly Bauer.
On today's episode, we're goingto be heading to May 16th, 2021
.
The cancer has likely moved tohis spinal cord.
I wouldn't recommend furthertreatment and just like that,

(00:22):
the world stopped.
This was the moment the doctorsat Fox Chased warned me about
that.
His body would stop respondingto treatment and he would go
downhill fast Up until May 16th.
It felt like my dad would beatcancer.
When we got home from our tripI saw a renewed sense of life in

(00:42):
him.
He began walking at least amile a day, even during
chemotherapy.
A friend had taught me aboutRSO, which is short for Rick
Simpson Oil.
It's essentially THC in itspurest form.
My dad would take a gram a dayto fight cancer, but also the
effects of the chemotherapy.

(01:02):
Honestly, life was incredible.
My dad and I were connecting,healing and doing everything we
could to not only keep him alivebut to live our best life.
It was October and we had justgotten home filming the puppy
bowl in upstate New York.
I took my dad as my assistant.

(01:24):
As executive director of theCenter for Animal Health and
Welfare in Eastern PA, I hadsecured a six-year run with the
puppy bowl filmed by AnimalPlanet.
Being part of filming is suchan awesome experience.
My dad had always wanted tovisit the Adirondacks, so it was
kind of the perfect mix.
I could take my dad and makehim proud of something I

(01:46):
accomplished, but we could alsoexpand our bucket list journey.
When we weren't filming, wespent the days exploring Lake
George and decided we would makethis trip about taking silly
pictures.
Being silly was something Inever saw in my dad.
Watching him feel safe enoughto let his guard down was

(02:06):
beautiful.
I had never seen that side ofhim.
I came home on cloud nine,grateful, proud, excited for my
career and all that was coming.
There was so much hope in ourlives, despite what was going on
with my father.
We were home for two days whenI got the phone call that

(02:28):
collapsed my world.
Just one month after droppingmy autistic son off at Hiramji
Andrews, a college for disabledadults in Johnstown, pa, I got
the call that every parent hasnightmares about.
My son was in a terribleaccident and the state trooper
couldn't tell me his currentcondition.

(02:49):
His father and I made thefour-hour drive to Pittsburgh
where he had been airlifted, notsure if my son would be alive
by the time we got there.
Luckily, my dad was able totake care of himself during that
time.
It's amazing how, even in theworst times, there is always
something to be grateful for.
Because he was unconscious andan adult, the hospital would not

(03:12):
give me information about myson.
Over the phone, all they wouldsay is that he suffered a severe
traumatic brain injury.
I walked into his roomterrified but angry.
Angry at myself, angry at hisfriends, just angry, but mostly
because I was scared.
He begged me to let him go outwith his friends.

(03:35):
I said no ten times.
I knew my son.
I couldn't trust hisdecision-making, but I finally
gave in to my better judgment.
I wish I had trusted myintuition.
It wasn't just a mother's fear.
I knew something would go wrongand I was right.

(03:56):
He fell off the back of amoving truck while holding a
grill.
The grill landed on his head,crushing the right side of his
brain.
My child should not be alive.
I want to say that again.
I know my child should not bealive.
Little did I know how this daywould change our lives.

(04:18):
Just 14 months later, I spent 30days in the ICU with my son
While he slept and allowed hisbody to heal.
I sat on a toilet in hisbathroom, working every day.
It was during that time that Iwould create a proposal.
I wanted to bring the LehighValley's first ever cafe to the
area and I wanted it to benefitour shelter and support our

(04:42):
local community.
That dream would later become areality, and it all began on a
toilet in the ICU of aPittsburgh hospital.
On November 20th, just two daysbefore my birthday, my son and I
walked through the door of ourhome, grateful and exhausted.

(05:03):
The first thing I did was greetmy dogs, seven in total.
The bad news bears theunadoptables.
I loved them all for so manyreasons, but my soul belonged to
Jackson, a pit bull whose gazemelted my heart and served as a

(05:25):
reminder of what unconditionallove should feel like.
You better marry a man thatlooks at you the way that
Jackson looks at me.
I would tell my friends it wasthe very look that I got that
day.
I got home emotionally andphysically exhausted, but
knowing there was still so muchmore fight left with my dad.
But for that night I justwanted to snuggle with my

(05:46):
Jackson.
I immediately sensed thatsomething was wrong.
I thought maybe it was stress.
Jackson didn't eat much but wasdrinking and going to the
bathroom okay.
Three days later I saw blood inhis stool and I immediately
took him to the vet.
They suspected HGE agastrointestinal disorder.

(06:10):
He needed a blood transfusionor he would die.
Four days and $6,000 later,jackson was on his way home with
a 50% chance of survival.
Just a little over a monthafter I almost lost my son,
there was a 50% chance that Iwas going to lose my soul, dog.

(06:30):
Two weeks later, on December12th, I had to rush Jackson to
the emergency room and on thatday I would lose part of my soul
.
And as I held the best boy everin my arms, singing you are my
sunshine, as I tried my hardestto not cry, I told him I loved

(06:53):
him and I thanked him for lovingme.
I held him until his finalbreath and when it was over I
cried, finally able to let outall of the emotions that I had
held in making sure that hisfinal moments were peaceful and
loving.
Christmas was just around thecorner.
This would be my firstChristmas without Jackson, the

(07:18):
first with my son after hisaccident and the last one I
would spend with my dad.
I did my best to be joyful, soI focused on what I could
control.
I still had my dad and my son.
I was definitely grateful, butmy heart was broken.
My dad and I shared a childlikewonder when it came to

(07:41):
Christmas.
We loved going to the HersheyLights.
They were magical.
My favorite part was cookingChristmas dinner All of my dad's
favorite foods.
I could always count on him toboost my ego.
He loved my cooking.
Up next was New Year's Eve and Ihad no time for resolutions.
All I wanted was more time.

(08:04):
The next five months were spenttrying to save my dad's life
and squeeze out every singleamount of joy that we could find
.
I knew it was a long shot, butI really did try everything I
could to help my dad survive Tothis day.
It's the only thing that Ifailed at.
We continued to travel, eatlots of ice cream and build a

(08:28):
beautiful friendship rooted inunconditional love.
I now know that my dad knew itwas his time to go.
He fought for me.
He made sure I got everything Ineeded to heal, evolve and
eventually thrive.
He did what I had always wanted.
He made me a priority.

(08:49):
Funny thing is, I still believewe could have beat it, but that
wasn't our journey, and on May16th 2021, my dad prepared to go
into hospice.
It couldn't have been worsetiming.
I had a birthday trip plannedfor my son's birthday.

(09:09):
We would go to St Martin tocelebrate his birth but, most
importantly, his life.
Let me just say when things arebad, you will find out who has
your back.
Getting care outside of hospicehours for my father was
difficult.
I will not disparage anyone'schoices, but I will say that my

(09:32):
mother stepped up for a man thatreally didn't deserve it, and
for that I will always be amazedand grateful for her level of
forgiveness.
My dad loved my mom until theday he died.
He always called her the onethat got away.
He spent the last four years ofhis life trying to win back her

(09:53):
love and although he didn't winher back, he gained her respect
.
That respect would get himthrough the hardest year of his
life and allow me to witnesslove for my parents in a healthy
way, something I had never seenwhen my dad died.
They were friends and it was abeautiful ode to a 45-year

(10:17):
journey that began as teenagers.
I am so grateful that I had mymom beside me as I helped my dad
transition.
It was six weeks of love,singing along to James Taylor's
greatest hits, watching ghosthunters beat Bobby Flay and ESPN
, all while soaking up everyounce of my dad that I could.

(10:39):
I would study his face, recordour conversations, anything I
could do to feel his presence.
I feel so grateful to have ourlast conversation on video.
My dad hadn't been verbal in aweek.
That morning I walked in andsaid good morning, as I always
did.
To my surprise, he said goodmorning, cal, and I immediately

(11:05):
started crying.
I asked him if he was feelingbetter and he said much better.
He then went on to tell me howproud he was of me, that we were
a good team and that he lovedme.
It was the last time I heard mydad's voice.
On July 6th I went to bedknowing my father was going to

(11:26):
die.
Each night we would lay in bedand I would sing James Taylor.
He was no longer verbal, but heunderstood.
His sister was up, visitingfrom North Carolina, and was
sleeping in his room.
I knew he was going to go, butI was afraid to lose him, so I

(11:46):
went to bed pretending it wasbecause she was there.
Really, I just wasn't ready tosay goodbye and I fooled myself
into thinking that I couldcreate more time.
I wasn't ready to say goodbye,but it was in fact time and I'm
so grateful that when I walkedinto my dad's room that next
morning at 7 am he was stillalive.

(12:09):
He had waited for me.
I walked over to give him akiss and say good morning.
He looked into my eyes, took adeep breath and began what
hospice calls the deathbreathing.
There is no pain, but theirbody is leaving.
So I called the hospice nurse.

(12:29):
At 8 am she came to the houseand confirmed it.
I asked for a moment, walkedinto the bathroom and let out a
sound that I can only describeas half scream and half howling
from pain.
I walked back in the room laiddown with my father, grabbed his

(12:55):
hand, intertwined his fingersinto mine and in that exact
moment he took his last breathin my arms.
It was the most beautiful endto a magical journey of love,

(13:16):
healing and hope.