Journeys End in New Beginnings: A Story of Loss and Rebirth

As I held my father's hand during his final serene moments, a world of healing and self-discovery awaited me, a journey I never anticipated but have bravely embarked upon. My story today is not just about loss but the remarkable resilience that blooms in its wake. In this deeply personal episode, I pull back the curtain on the profound impact of my father's passing.  I reveal the raw emotions of saying goodbye, the strength found in confronting generational trauma, and the bittersweet process of reconnecting with my estranged brother. The path of healing didn't end with farewells; it led me through the harrowing decision to leave an unhealthy relationship and the commitment to honor my father's legacy, dreams that have taken me from the Alaskan wilderness to the electric energy of the Super Bowl.

But life, as it often does, threw curveballs that tested the very core of my being. I recount the tumultuous return from Dubai, where a board member's illegal antics set off a series of events that threatened my stability, challenging my bipolar disorder like never before. Despite the chaos, I found moments of joy—from the glamour of the governor's ball with Smokey Robinson to the playful antics at my sixth Puppy Bowl—reminding me that beauty persists among life's storms. With federal investigations looming, I share the bold gesture of honoring my late father's memory at the Super Bowl, a testament to his spirit that goes beyond the Philadelphia Eagles' defeat. And in a dance across America, inspired by the likes of Pink and Stevie Nicks, I embrace the unyielding spirit of that little girl who always knew she was destined for an extraordinary life. Join me on this intimate voyage of heartache and hope, a narrative that encapsulates the essence of true resilience.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to my beautiful bipolar life.
I am your host, kelly Bauer.
Today's episode goes back tothe final day I had with my
father, july 7th 2021.
And just like that, his cancerjourney was over Quiet, peaceful
and pain free.

(00:20):
I held his hand, staring at hisface, memorizing every detail.
Ironically, marijuana the habitI despised was the thing that
made it possible for him to dieof lung cancer that metastasized
who was spine and brain happy,without a single drop of
prescription medicine in hisbody.

(00:42):
I sat for a moment in gratitudeand love, knowing that my life
would never be the same, butthat the lessons, healing,
forgiveness, love and his fightwould not die with him, that it
would all be worth it.
Albert Einstein taught me thatmy father was energy and that

(01:07):
energy does not go away.
I promised myself that he wouldlive forever in me and lives
would be changed.
For 15 months, we brokegenerational trauma, healed,
loved, evolved and, mostimportantly, lived.
We lived like we were dying.
But I am still here.

(01:30):
My first order of businessreconnect with my brother and
his children.
There is not much in this worldthat matters more to me than my
nieces.
My brother and I had not spokenin years.
He chose not to see my dadduring his journey.
I understood his decision.
He came in the end to make hispeace and I respected him for

(01:51):
that.
But my brother didn't just cometo say goodbye.
He showed up for me in a timethat I needed love.
There was no big discussion,just two siblings grieving and
navigating a new normal.
I will be forever grateful forthat time with my brother and
with his girls.

(02:11):
Second on my list leave thefather of my son.
I realized that day how alone Iwas in my own house, that I
owed it to myself to never againlet a man disrespect my value.
To honor the work that we didto heal.
11 days after my dad died, Iasked him to leave.

(02:35):
He refused which I knew hewould, and so I had to get a PFA
.
I would try over the next fewmonths to be amicable, but it
was over.
I spent 25 years of my life withthat man and as I sit here
talking about him, it's likehe's a character in a book.

(02:56):
I am so far from that woman andI would never allow that
behavior again, that when I talkabout it it really is with no
emotion.
Three years later, I don't feelanything, not anger, not love,
just nothing.
I am really proud of thatgrowth and through that I

(03:21):
recognized that he didn't lovehimself.
He wanted to love me, but theunhealed parts of him couldn't
allow it.
I know his soul and that's whatI loved.
Unfortunately, his body was thewrong house, a victim of
generational trauma and repeatedcycles.

(03:42):
I would spend the next fewmonths in a fog of grief.
The first month was filled withpaperwork, obligations and my
half-sister teaching me lessonson self-love, boundaries and
greed.
My father had nothing a nomadtruly.
He gave his money to his ex toraise my half-brother.

(04:03):
I can't call her a wife becauseshe lied to the court about her
age, so I don't think themarriage was ever legal.
But who am I to say?
I mean, I do have the marriagecertificate and it clearly shows
that she says she's muchyounger, but I have never met my
half-brother.
I have never met myhalf-brother.
When I was a baby, I went tovisit and his mother kept him

(04:24):
upstairs.
She refused to let me see him.
I do not know him and I despiseher.
So that is likely all I willever say about them.
August was my dad's birthday.
He died just shy of his 64thbirthday and there was nothing
more that I wanted to do than tocheck off the two things that

(04:45):
we didn't get done Camping inAlaska and watching the Eagles
win the Super Bowl in person.
So I set out to do both and onAugust 25th in Sitka, alaska, I
summoned the goddess, bettyWhite and best friend in my head
, sandra Bullock, and with thehelp of Lil Jon a $5 cake topper

(05:11):
and my soul sister, I took myfather camping in Alaska to
celebrate his life and my soulsister's birth.
I would also take what was leftof the $10,000 that my dad had
in Burrell Insurance and have afamily vacation in North
Carolina, the place that wespent every summer during our

(05:33):
childhood.
Next up was the big promisewhen he got sick, I promised him
that if the Eagles made it tothe Super Bowl, I would take him
when they won in 2018,.
Neither of us could afford togo.
I wish we had done it, but thatwasn't our story.
But first I would have to gothrough the worst pain of my

(05:56):
life, the thing that would testmy physical and mental strength,
the moment that would foreverchange how I saw myself as a
mother.
On the same day, I lost my souldog.
The previous year, my son wouldenter a psychotic episode.
Out of respect for my son, Iwill only say that I am alive

(06:17):
because I did not allow myselfto die.
I counted at least 50 blows tothe head and face, one so severe
that I have a scar on my cheek.
That was the last time my sonlived in my home.
Two weeks later, I would spendChristmas alone on a cruise,

(06:37):
without my son, without apartner, without my dad.
In three months I had lostevery man in my life.
And just one month later myworld would change again.
After a trip to Dubai, I cameback to work to discover that a

(06:58):
board member in the organizationthat I worked for broke the law
.
That action would be thecatalyst for some of the darkest
days in my life.
He would also change everythingthat I thought to be true and
would test every ounce ofstrength, resilience and take my
bipolar to places it had neverbeen.

(07:19):
But during that time I wouldsee parts of the country people
only dream of.
I danced to Smokey Robinson atthe governor's ball.
I would go to the puppy bowlfor the sixth time.
I honored my dad's death andhealed by living as of the

(07:41):
recording of this podcast.
There is a federalinvestigation into the
allegations that I have made.
Therefore, I cannot sayanything more at this time.
But with camping in Alaskabehind me, I had one last thing
to do.
So in the last few minutes ofthe last quarter against the
Niners, I paid $8,000 that I didnot have because I had just

(08:06):
lost my job to go to the SuperBowl To take my father's ashes,
to watch the Eagles win.
And even though we didn't walkaway with a Super Bowl ring, my
father's daughter managed tosneak him into both end zones
before the game so he couldwatch the good seats where the

(08:28):
players' families were sitting,and just a stone throw from the
Eagles end zone.
I drank in the VIP lounge, sawCheryl Crow perform and ate the
rich people's food, and when itwas done, instead of flying home
the next day, I decided todance across America with
inspiration from the other bestfriend in my head, pink.

(08:51):
I danced.
I was a gypsy, like Stevie, andfor 28 days I did what made my
soul feel alive.
I promised myself I would neverdo anything again.
That wouldn't be approved bythe 8-year-old girl who looked
in the mirror and said I am notnormal.

(09:12):
No, you aren't sweet girl.
Now let's go fuck some shit upand change the world.