Navigating the Storm: A Journey of Healing and Self-Love

As I sat beside my ailing father, the floodgates of generational trauma and personal anguish opened wide. This episode is my raw, unfiltered narrative, one that charts a harrowing yet transformative journey through love, self-worth, and profound healing. My story, which unfolds over the course of caring for my father during his final days, offers an unflinchingly honest look at how facing our darkest moments can lead to the brightest of awakenings.

Embark on an emotional odyssey with me, Kelly Bauer, as I navigate the perilous waters of a 26-year relationship marred by abuse, infidelity, and chaos—a mirror of the turbulent childhood that shaped me. This intimate exploration goes beyond mere reflection, providing a beacon of hope for those grappling with similar struggles. Together, we'll traverse the path of self-discovery to redemption, illustrating the power of loving oneself above all else. Through my experiences, I invite you to find solace, inspiration, and the courage to break free from the chains of the past, propelling you toward a life you truly deserve.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello everyone, my name is Kelly Bauer and welcome
to my beautiful bipolar life.
This podcast came about after athree-year journey that changed
my life.
It began as an obligation tocare for my father, who was
dying of cancer.
I was the only one who waswilling to step up.

(00:21):
I never hesitated nor waveredin my decision to care for him.
For better or for worse, it is,and always will be who I am.
What I wasn't prepared for werethe gifts that I would receive
during the 15 months we spenttogether.
In order to understand theprocess, let's go back to where

(00:46):
it began.
So for the next seven episodes,we are going to travel back in
time to the days that led to myrebirth.
Please note that there will bea lot of issues tackled in this
podcast that can be triggeringfor some.
Please know it comes from aplace of love, healing and

(01:07):
growth.
I hope you'll sit with me as wejourney back to February 27th
2020.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
The words I kept repeating as Iwas flying home from Las Vegas.

(01:28):
A Valentine's Day gift to thefather of my child.
An effort to save our often onrelationship of 26 years.
One marked with abuse,infidelity and chaos, a perfect
reflection of the environment Igrew up in as an absent, abusive

(01:52):
father and a mom who neverhealed her own traumas but was
trying to give me and mysiblings what she thought was a
normal life.
Chaos was comfortable to me.
Flying home from Vegas, Irefused to sit next to him After

(02:12):
he nearly strangled me to deathin the hotel room that I paid
for two nights prior.
Seeing eleven rows back glaringat me, I could feel it from
behind me, sending methreatening messages.
He should have been in jail,but this was more than I had

(02:34):
done before.
I knew the tide was finallyshifting.
The choices I've made and meantthroughout my entire life are
what most people would calldaddy issues, a mirror of the
relationship I had with my ownfather.
I believe that most people haveunhealed generational trauma.

(02:57):
This podcast will dive into notonly recognizing it, but how
you can grow, heal and prosperin the idea that we are not
bound to who we were.
The most important thing I hopeyou learn is that it's not only

(03:18):
okay, but it is mandatory tolove yourself more than anyone
else if you want to live thelife that you deserve.
Loving you most allows you toforgive yourself and others in
ways you never could.

(03:38):
It sets an expectation of whohas access to you.
It puts a value on your lifethat cannot be taken away.
Walking into my house, I wasphysically and emotionally
exhausted.
My father was supposed to be incharge of our autistic son, but

(04:01):
neither of them was anywhere tobe found.
Years later, my father showedup drunk.
As a child, this was secondnature.
As my father grew older, I didsee him make changes to be a
better person.

(04:21):
Today was not an example ofthose changes.
His breath, an instant flashbackof violence, cruel words and
careless actions.
Honestly, I can't even rememberwhy we argued, but I can tell

(04:46):
you exactly what his eyes lookedlike.
I can still smell the beer andI can still feel him grabbing me
by my throat and pushing me tothe bed, ironically being pulled
off by the man who had justdone the same thing two days
earlier.

(05:07):
I'm not sure why, but thatvisual sent me into a rage.
Mostly, I was mad at myself.
I cocked back my fist andpunched him in the face as hard
as I could.
I wanted him to feel mydisappointment, my sadness, my

(05:32):
betrayal.
I will never forget the look onhis face.
It still haunts me.
It was shame, regret, sadness,bravado and anger, clearly
filled by all the generationaltrauma that he never healed.

(05:54):
It was everything that I hatedand loved about my father, the
man who would never give me thelove I was desperately searching
for my entire childhood.
He left and a month later Ireceived this letter.

(06:14):
Dear Kelly, I am a stupid, jerk, asshole, loser, whose behavior
the other night was inexcusable.
I have been filled with remorseever since I finally decided I
had to write to apologize andask for your forgiveness.

(06:35):
If possible, tell Mike andCameron that I apologized to
them also and that I hoped noone was hurt.
In closing, I would like you toknow that I love you and I'm
very proud of what you haveaccomplished in life.
If there were a way to sendhugs and kisses, I would send a

(06:58):
ton of both.
Love you more, dad.