Shattered Reflections: The Quest for Healing and A Father's Unspoken Love

Embark on an emotional odyssey with me, Kelly Bauer, as I navigate the poignant story of my life, marked by the pivotal events of April 18th, 2020, that forever altered my essence. As we unravel the threads of seeking my father's elusive approval, we find the echoes of his own struggles reflected in the depth of his eyes—mirrors to a love he could not grant himself. My tale is not merely one of personal transformation but an exploration into the heart of generational trauma and the relentless pursuit of an affection left wanting.

Within this powerful episode, I share the raw vulnerability of my father's terminal diagnosis, the life-altering choices that ensued, and the subsequent odyssey that morphed into a quest for healing. As we traverse the terrain of my past, a juxtaposition of fear and hope, we journey together through the last chapters of my father's life. It's through the lens of loss and a promise made to both my younger self and my father that I vow to shatter the shackles of my lineage and embrace a future where my actions aim to change the world. Join me and witness a transformation that promises to touch your soul and perhaps, ignite a spark within your own story.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to my beautiful bipolar life.
I am your host, kelly Bauer.
On today's episode, we will begoing back to April 18th 2020.
For me, it was the catalystinto the evolution of the woman
that I am today.
You see, I always wanted to bea daddy's girl.

(00:20):
I literally did everything Icould to get my father's
attention.
I so desperately wanted him tosee me the way that I saw him,
that I was brave and that I wasconfident that I was smart and
that I was adventurous.
The funny thing is I didn'trealize he couldn't see those

(00:42):
things in me because he didn'teven see them in himself and he
certainly wasn't gonna be ableto love me the way that I
deserve to be loved because hedidn't love himself that way.
He had never been taught to andinstead of breaking
generational trauma, he repeatedthe cycle.
My father joined the Navy when Iwas a toddler.

(01:02):
I really believe it was anescape to not only get away from
all the things that he didn'tfix and felt like he couldn't,
but also something that wouldsoothe his wandering and
adventurous soul and give himthe opportunity to show love the
only way he knew how,financially.
I don't think he even realizedthat being in the military would

(01:25):
only exacerbate the things thathe did not heal, that the
addiction would worse, that theviolence would intensify.
He wasn't home often, but whenhe was, it was filled with fear,
anger and resentment.
But through all of that I sawhis soul and even at a young age

(01:48):
I recognized who he really was.
It began a cycle of meeting thewrong men for all the wrong
reasons, seeing the potentialinstead of the reality.
My mother did the best shecould to combat it with goodness
and kindness and empathy, butthe reality is I was my father's

(02:10):
daughter in every way possiblegood, bad and ugly.
And as I waited for thehospital to call to say that he
had woken up, I continued toplan our bucket list trip, using
what my father taught me thatlove is action.

(02:32):
And on April 18th I got the callthat I was waiting for my
father had woken up.
When I finally got to talk tohim, the first words he said
were "'Hey Kel, how are you'?
"'i immediately began to cry,"'and tell him how much I loved
him, "'and that I was sorry thatwe fought' "'He stopped me and

(02:55):
said that everything was gonnabe okay.
"'the truth is, we kneweverything wasn't going to be
okay, "'because my father wasstill terminally ill "'and he
was going to die.
"'eight weeks that was themaximum time "'we would have
without any kind of intervention.
"'up to a year withchemotherapy' "'My father

(03:17):
immediately said he didn't wantany treatment "'and I was angry
and hurt.
"'i couldn't believe he wasgiving up and leaving me.
"'i begged him to do one roundof chemotherapy.
"'i told him about the trip andhow I'd plan to take him "'to
all the places that he hadn'tbeen "'and that we would live

(03:40):
and love "'and experience eachother in a way that we never had
"'And in that moment, my fathergave me the gift "'that he had
never been able to give me myentire life.
"'he put me first "'And in thatmoment, I got the thing "'that
I had been searching for myentire life his time "'And so,

(04:05):
on April 18th 2020, ouradventure began.
"'what started as a bucket listjourney "'evolved into a
healing mission.
"'what I didn't realize then isthat I would be finding "'the
eight-year-old girl that gotlost "'amongst generational
trauma, domestic violence "'andexpectation, "'and in my

(04:30):
father's death, I would honorher "'by living my best life and
making a promise to her "'andto myself to change the world'".