November 26, 2025 • 60 mins
Are you a soon to be mom, a seasoned mother, or simply interested in the world of birth? You’re in the right place!
In this episode, we discuss:
- Natalie's two Maine birth stories
- The fine line between tuning into your intuition and navigating fear and anxiety throughout your pregnancy and birth
- Midwifery care in Maine
- ….and a whole lot more!
Additional Resources you’ll LOVE…
If you are ready to prepare for an autonomous birth experience, where you’re respected as the authority over your body and your baby… regardless of where you plan on birthing -
CLICK HERE for 10% off the MyAutonomous Birth self-paced, online course!
Not sure where to start? I’ve got you covered! Check out my FREE resource, 37 Questions to Ask Your Care Provider. Whether you’re interviewing new providers or have already established care, this FREE resource offers guidance on important topics to discuss with your provider.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Natalie (00:00):
I don't even know looking back that it was my
intuition.
I was nervous.
I think you know, I just let itget it's scary to you don't
really think about you'recarrying a human.
It's just like a wildexperience.
You're responsible for anotherbeing that's part of you.
And so that I don't think I wasreally prepared for how
(00:20):
overwhelming that fell in termsof decision making.
And I got, yeah, I got nervous.
I think the midwives felt likeeverything was fine and thought
that would help me feel better.
And then that it's always thequestion, like, what if I had
never gone for that ultrasound?
Angela (00:37):
That's like really a big thing right there that we've
actually been talking a lotabout in some of these other
classes that I'm in, is tuninginto the difference between
intuition and fear.
It's a really confusing line.
Yeah, it's it can be a reallyconfusing line, especially with
a first-time pregnancy.
And yeah, planning a home birthfor that.
(00:58):
That's a big deal.
Natalie (00:59):
I feel like the second one I did a lot.
I don't want to say better, butI feel like I handled that line
much differently the secondtime around.
Um, but I just wasn't preparedfor that.
Angela (01:14):
I'm Angela, and I'm a certified birth photographer,
experienced dual, childbirtheducator, and your host here on
the My Main Birth podcast.
This is a space where we sharethe real life stories of
families and their unique birthexperiences in the beautiful
state of Maine.
From our state's biggesthospitals to birth center births
(01:34):
and home births, every birthstory deserves to be heard and
celebrated.
Whether you're a soon-to-bemom, a seasoned mother, or
simply interested in the worldof birth, these episodes are for
you.
Welcome back.
You're listening to episode 139of My Main Birth.
(01:55):
As a reminder, I share alldifferent types of stories here
on the podcast.
Whether you've birthed in ahospital, at a birth center, or
at home, whether your story waspositive, negative, or somewhere
in between, your story iswelcome in this space.
The only requirement forsharing a story here on the
podcast is that at least one ofyour stories is a main birth
(02:18):
story.
As an added bonus, I also offera gift certificate for a family
adventure photo session,redeemable on the session day of
your choice, to all of mypodcast guests.
I host these session days aticonic locations across Maine
throughout the spring, summer,and fall.
So if you'd like to join thecommunity of Maine Mom sharing
(02:42):
birth stories here on thepodcast, you can fill out the
form over on the podcast page onmy website, mymainbirth.com, or
you can always send me amessage over on Instagram at
mymainbirth.
Today's birth story guest isNatalie, and she is here to
share her two main birth storieswith us.
(03:04):
Hi Natalie, welcome to my mainbirth.
Natalie (03:08):
Hi.
Angela (03:09):
To get started, would you share a little bit about you
and your family?
Natalie (03:15):
Yeah, we my husband Kyle and I live in Cornish,
Maine.
We have a small certifiedorganic farm, grow vegetables.
I also work part-time.
I've been doing it for manyyears at Krista's restaurant in
Cornish.
Kyle and I met working for theAppalachian Mountain Club up in
the White Mountains, traveled abit, worked on other farms, and
(03:38):
then we settled here in Cornish.
And now we have two kids, Joni,who's six, Raya, who's two and
a half, and we've been here, Ithink about 11 years.
Angela (03:48):
Awesome.
So now jumping into your birthstories.
Actually, before we get to thebirth stories, would you share a
little bit about like what yourviews were on birth, like
growing up, maybe what were someof the stories that you heard
about birth and just kind offraming like what your mindset
was about birth leading up towhen you became pregnant?
Natalie (04:11):
Yeah, I actually sort of never was someone who thought
I really wanted kids growing upor even as a young adult.
I just was sort of focused onother things.
And I think unfortunately, tosome degree, had the mindset,
you know, of like being a strongwoman and having kids were two
separate things in my mindgrowing up.
(04:33):
I'm not exactly sure why.
And so I was sort ofindependent and didn't really
want to identify as that type ofperson that just was always
thinking about having kids.
And um, so it wasn't on theforefront of my mind.
And then I think as Kyle and Ihave been together for quite a
long time now, and sort of asour relationship progressed, and
(04:57):
of course, I think I maturedand met other strong moms and
women with and without kids,women with and without kids.
Um it just sort of grew to besomething that felt like the
next step in our relationship,and that I did really want to
have kids together with apartner who I really care about,
and it felt like it woulddeepen our relationship that
(05:19):
way.
So I didn't really, I guess,get exposed to many birth
stories, maybe because I didn'task, or it just wasn't in my
upbringing, just didn't feellike I was very much exposed to
any of it.
Angela (05:34):
So, how did you find out you were pregnant for the first
time?
Yeah, and what were yourthoughts in choosing your care?
Natalie (05:41):
It was an intentional decision that we were ready to
have kids, and I think we werethinking a fall, a fall baby
would be in our minds mostideal, sort of with the flow of
the farm.
And I also didn't know if itwould happen right away, so I
think it was winter and we weregonna start trying, and it
(06:04):
happened immediately.
And so uh Joanie was due inOctober for the first one, so it
was just a pregnancy test andit was immediate.
So, in sort of the course ofour farming journey, I came
across this woman who I becamequite friendly with who uh was
(06:28):
connected to the farm Kyle and Iworked on for several years.
Um, she also worked atKrista's, and she and I became
really good friends.
And she at the time was along-term partner at the Socopy
Midwives.
Um, her name's Lindsay.
And then also in our farmingcircles, many of the other
farmers had used um midwives forcare.
And it was something that I hadnever been exposed to.
(06:49):
But sort of as I developed thisrelationship with Lindsay and
these other farmers, I thought,of course, this is what I would
want to do.
It makes so much sense.
It's right up my alley.
So we knew, Kyle and I knewgoing into it that that's who we
would want to use.
Angela (07:06):
Awesome.
So, how were you feelingthroughout that pregnancy as
your pregnancy started out?
Natalie (07:11):
It was really easy.
I didn't really get sick.
The best part was I slept somuch.
It was like the best sleep I'veever gotten in my life.
I would just, you know, gettired around three or four in
the afternoon.
Um, I'd tell Kyle I was gonnago like rest for a bit, and then
(07:33):
I would just pass out for thenight.
And I think he kind ofexpressed later that he was
feeling like a little lonelyduring that time because I was
sleeping so much.
But I had sort of always beensomeone who didn't sleep very
well, so I just thought it wasamazing.
I stayed pretty active.
We were farming.
I walk in the woods every day,or at least I did at that time.
(07:54):
And again, I think a little bitof the stubborn side of me
didn't want to let it slow medown.
So I probably pushed myselfmore than I needed to, or maybe
was necessarily like mentallyhealthy for myself.
I just was gonna not let thisthing, you know, uh change me,
or so I just kind of kept at it.
(08:16):
And I felt pretty good.
It definitely, you know, hadits moments and of being
uncomfortable and the way itgoes.
Angela (08:26):
Yeah.
So how were your appointmentslooking, like towards the
beginning of your pregnancy andthen as it progressed?
Natalie (08:34):
Yeah, the midwives are great.
The appointments are a mix ofthey come to your house or you
go to their office.
I did a couple appointments atLindsay's house where she was
living at the time, at the theiroffice.
They would come here.
They're just like reallymellow.
They already knew Lindsayreally well as a friend, but it
just feels like a chat, like andit's it's like an hour-long
(08:57):
chat of you know, it's veryrelaxed.
They, you know, they do doblood pressure and monitoring
and all that, but it's sort ofmixed in with just how are you
feeling?
What's you know, it it theyreally care and it makes you
feel like a person.
Um, so it was really greatexperience in that way for me.
Angela (09:16):
It's really like that humanized care.
It's not just that conveyorbelt going through the motions,
like, you know, as you were withan OB in the hospital, right?
Natalie (09:26):
Yeah, not at all.
And I remember they did, I hadtalked to other um friends who,
you know, had been or were goingthrough hospital care.
And even for the gestationaldiabetes tests, they cooked me
pancakes, and you know, we justlike sat and talked while they,
you know, it's just so differentthan what I was hearing was
happening at the hospital.
Angela (09:48):
Yeah.
So how were things looking likeas you got farther into your
pregnancy?
Natalie (09:55):
Everything was very, very straightforward, except
that in my I was I didn't lookvery pregnant throughout really
any of it.
And so that sort of I had a20-week ultrasound, everything
was normal, and then we didn'thave any planned imaging until
(10:18):
really late in the pregnancy.
The midwives suggested I do anultrasound, I think, just to
make me feel better because Iwas getting nervous.
People would say I was prettysmall, I was measuring fine, but
I looked, didn't look verypregnant.
So people were just saying,people make funny comments.
(10:38):
They just like don't thinkabout what comes out of their
mouth.
And I got nervous, and so Iwent for uh, I think it was like
37 in a week, 37 and a halfweek ultrasound.
And that was what sort of setoff the transfer of care to the
hospital.
Angela (10:56):
Yeah, so there was no real indication, like you were
measuring fine, you were justkind of feeling small.
You your intuition was kind oftelling you something felt off,
so you wanted to go in.
How did that unfold for you?
Yeah.
Natalie (11:14):
Yeah, and I don't, I don't even know looking back
that it was my intuition.
I was nervous.
I think, you know, I just letit get, it's scary to you don't
really think about you'recarrying a human.
It's just like a wildexperience.
You're responsible for anotherbeing that's part of you.
And so that I don't think I wasreally prepared for how
(11:35):
overwhelming that felt in termsof decision making.
And I got, yeah, I got nervous.
I think the midwives felt likeeverything was fine and thought
that would help me feel better.
And then that it's always thequestion, like, what if I had
never gone for that ultrasound?
Angela (11:53):
That's like really a big thing right there that we've
actually been talking a lotabout in some of these other
classes that I'm in, is tuninginto the difference between
intuition and fear.
You know, it's a reallyconfusing line.
Yeah, it's it can be a reallyconfusing line, especially in
the first-time pregnancy.
And yeah, planning a home birthfor that.
Natalie (12:13):
That's a big deal.
I feel like the second one Idid a lot, I don't want to say
better, but I feel like Ihandled that line much
differently the second timearound.
Um, but I just wasn't preparedfor that.
And I think I struggle withthat anyway, so it was just, you
know, sort of a perfect recipefor maybe too much information
(12:37):
in hindsight.
Angela (12:39):
Yeah.
So how well how did theultrasound go?
What happened then?
Natalie (12:42):
Yeah, so the ultrasound revealed what was called a late
Cori amniotic separation.
Um, and I don't know if you'refamiliar with that.
I wasn't at all.
Apparently, sometime in thefirst half of pregnancy, there's
two layers to the amniotic sacand they fuse.
And mine had because I had anormal ultrasound at 20 weeks.
(13:04):
And at this point, which wasjust after 37 weeks, they it was
showing a slight separation.
And it was one of those momentswhere you don't want to be that
person where they say, We don'tsee this ever.
And they had seen, I think theyhad one woman at Maine Med
Portland that had this, and sheended up having a stillbirth,
(13:24):
and so they recommended animmediate induction.
So we were sort of left withthat information.
They wouldn't, like Main Med, Ithink I'm sure because of
liability, wouldn't like talklike anymore about it.
Like, this is just what werecommend.
We had a meeting with themidwives, they said they were
(13:45):
still comfortable proceedingwith a home birth.
And so Kyle and I had to gohome and sort of think about
what we would do.
Um, I think we were able tofind the records of that, not
records, but that stillbirth.
Like it was a whole write-up onPubMed or something, you can
look it up.
And so we read it, and it'sjust really unclear.
(14:08):
Like it was unclear what was itthat was it, who knows?
Um, and so again, we got scaredand I think just decided.
I remember talking to myparents.
I think I went and visited afriend who sort of um felt like
a mother type sister figure tome.
And um, we just decided Iwasn't gonna be able to sleep at
(14:30):
all until like having thatinformation, feeling that risk.
And so we decided to do aninduction.
Wow, at 37 weeks now.
Yeah, I think it was 30 by thetime it was like 38.
I don't know.
It was somewhere around there.
Angela (14:45):
Yeah.
So how did that, yeah, likeunfold?
Natalie (14:50):
Yeah, I think we called um the midwives, said that was
our decision.
They were very supportive.
And Brenda, who was Lindsay'spartner at the practice or and
still is there, although she'sheading into retirement, um,
drove with us to main med, gotus checked in um and transferred
(15:13):
the care.
And I think that was aroundlike 6 p.m.
It was in the evening, it wasdark.
I remember.
Um, so it had to be sort ofafter four or five o'clock that
we went and got checked in andlike we packed a bunch of stuff.
Everybody says, like, you know,inductions are slow, like Kyle
brought books, you know.
(15:34):
So just I don't exactlyremember what I brought, but
everybody sort of emotionallyprepped us, like you could be
here for days.
And I think Brenda got a checkgot got us checked in and said
we could call her and Lindsaywhen things started to progress.
Yeah.
Angela (15:52):
So had you known much about the induction before, or
was it kind of like a crashcourse when this was kind of all
happening?
Natalie (16:00):
Course, which again feels like how much looking
back, should have I should Iprepared more or should I?
I I don't know.
I don't think there's a rightanswer to that.
It's really hard to know howmuch to prepare for.
So yeah, I didn't.
It was definitely a crashcourse.
I remember very clearly thenurse or the doctor saying all
(16:23):
inductions end in petosin washer language.
And I just like didn't evenhave any concept of what that
meant.
But mine did not.
So and yeah, just for a littleperspective, they checked me in,
you know, sometime after six orseven by the time you meet with
(16:45):
the doctors, do all the stuff.
And then Joni was born by Ithink it was like 11.
It was really fast.
Angela (16:52):
Oh wow.
So were you dilated at all whenyou got to the hospital before
things got started?
Natalie (16:57):
I feel like it was like two centimeters.
I had had this feeling that Iwas gonna have her early anyway.
Again, like hard to know ifthat's you know, you get these
feelings, but hard to know ifthat actually would have played
out.
Like if you had stayed home.
Yeah, I think she would havecome early.
Angela (17:14):
Yeah, interesting.
What type of method did youchoose to start the induction?
Natalie (17:21):
Um, I don't feel like I made any choices at after that
point, and that was anotherlearning experience for me, is I
feel like all choices went outthe window, partly because I
didn't know what they were,partly because of the way they
present things, partly becauseagain, it's that line of you
(17:42):
know fear that you just feellike you're in the hands of
people that tell you what you'resupposed to do, you're
responsible for this other lifethat's not even here yet.
And so I just felt like thatall choices were gone.
Angela (17:58):
Yeah, that that makes it really hard.
So, how are things presented toyou and how did it kind of
unfold?
Natalie (18:05):
It just sort of felt like this is what we're doing.
And so they did um, I thinkthey did the membrane stripping
first.
Uh, and then the ballooncatheter, and that I think, and
you're at the hospital you'rewearing the um monitor, the
fetal monitor.
So they said they can measure,they can measure the frequency
(18:29):
of contractions, but not thestrength of them and the baby's
heartbeat.
And so the balloon catheter, Ithink I started having
contractions, but then theystopped.
And so they would come, thenthey came in and they gave me a
dose of misoprostal vaginally,and that was um, I remember her
(18:50):
saying, we're just gonna giveyou a tiny dose just to see how
your body reacts.
And it was within 30 minutes ofhaving that, I was like in end
stages of labor.
Angela (19:01):
Wow.
So did it start when did youstart having contractions?
Natalie (19:06):
Probably about 15 or 20 minutes after having that
administered.
It just went from like nothingto uh like full labor.
I remember they had a chart inthe suite with like stages of
labor, and Kyle kept going andlooking at it and just like
feeling completely flustered byhow it was progressing.
(19:29):
I think I moved like in and outof the tub, but it just wasn't
comfortable.
I felt out of sorts there, andeverything just happened so
fast.
And then at some point I didask for an epidural, which again
wasn't what I planned on doing.
And I think if I had had themidwives there, I maybe would
have waited.
(19:50):
I started throwing up aroundthat time, which in hindsight
was a transition point.
And yeah, the monitor rightaround that time started showing
um heart decelerations.
Sorry, it's hard to talk about.
Um yeah, um, so she startedhaving heart decelerations.
(20:10):
So they were having me changepositions, like hands and knees.
The labor nurse was right therethe whole time in the it was a
resident on duty, kept coming inand checking, and I remember
hearing sort of overhearingmention of a possible C-section,
but that never played out.
I don't know why or what thatdecision, you know, it's just a
(20:34):
blur.
And then I think at some pointit was time to push, and I don't
really remember how thatdecision was made, because again
having my second daughter athome, it was just a whole
different process.
I don't know if they checkeddilation or they must have.
(20:56):
I just don't, it's not a clearmemory.
Angela (20:59):
When you're 10 centimeters, it's time to push,
whether you're like ready ornot.
Natalie (21:03):
It's like been the case.
Um and by that point, I thinkBrenda and Lindsay had both come
back.
Kyle must have called them.
I remember Lindsay being there.
The doctor was there, it was aresident, and I think a couple
other people were in the room.
Angela (21:23):
Had you gotten the epidural at this point or not
yet?
Natalie (21:26):
Yeah, I did.
And it didn't work completely,which I didn't know that was
also a thing.
Um, but I've heard that I couldstill feel my whole left side,
and I was able to, I don't thinkI was supposed to be able to do
this, but they were having mechange positions.
So I was getting up on my handsand knees and like changing
sides, and I didn't need anyhelp to do that, which um I
(21:50):
remember the nurses asking if Iwas gonna be able to, but I
could move around fine.
It was like it didn't workcompletely, apparently.
And yeah, and then she was bornand she came out uh sorry and
(22:11):
they um took her away and had tosort of revive her.
And then she had to go downpretty quickly um to the NICU.
Um, I think she had an Apcarswarm one.
Um I couldn't go with her.
(22:34):
Kyle went with her with Brenda.
Um and I don't remember howlong I stayed.
I had to get to a point where Icould walk, which I remember
happening pretty quickly.
Lindsay was with me, and thenwe were able to go down.
And Joni had actually recoveredreally quickly.
(22:54):
I think she they do the initialand then they do a second
score, and I think she was backup to an eight or a nine really
fast, which was great.
It was all really encouraging.
I think the only in hindsightred flag was she had a high
blood acid level they measure,which is a sign of um stress,
(23:15):
fetal stress.
Um and I think I don't rememberhow long she was there, but at
a certain point they had decidedshe had recovered enough that
we could go to the nursery withher.
And we like, you know, got aroom and tried to get her to
nurse and all that and sort ofrecover thinking everything was
(23:37):
fine.
Angela (23:40):
Yeah, yeah.
So how were you how were youdoing during this time and like
what was kind of happening,yeah, like after that?
Natalie (23:48):
I think I was just overwhelmed and also weirdly
glad to just have her out, um,as weird as that sounds.
Um and it didn't feel lookingback, it's more upsetting than
it was in the moment because Ithink it was just all so fast
(24:10):
and I didn't really understandeverything that was happening.
And so I was sort of blissfullyignorant of you know how
serious things were in thosemoments because it was just so
much information stuff.
I didn't know um a lot ofpeople, a lot of you know,
(24:32):
relief to just have the laborpart over.
Angela (24:37):
Yeah.
So how was your postpartum,like the early postpartum, those
first few days with her?
Natalie (24:44):
It was hard.
She after we were released tothe nursery, she started having
seizures from the labor.
I guess what had happened, andagain, I just didn't know any of
this, but the misoprostal whathad happened is I had
overstimulation of the uterus orhyperstimulation of the uterus.
And so the cons thecontractions were too strong and
(25:07):
too close together, and itcaused um brain swelling.
And so she we saw a seizure, Ithink that first night when we
were alone in the nursery, andso we ran out to the hall to get
a nurse, and by that time shehad kind of recovered, and the
(25:28):
nurse sort of brushed us off,saying it was probably a poop,
you know, she did babies lookweird.
Um, and I think they said wecould pass her off, you know, so
you can get some sleep.
They let you sort of put yourbaby in a little, you know, side
nursery under supervision.
So we did that because we werereally nervous.
And I remember falling asleepfor a few hours and woke up and
(25:52):
she wasn't back, and I knewthere was something wrong.
Um so we called for the nursingstaff and she had had seizures
while she was under theirsurveillance.
Um, so she was in the NICU andwe had to go down and get
briefed on what was going on.
And basically they were tryingto get the swelling from the
(26:14):
labor.
It was just too much impact forher under control.
Um so she was in the NICU umfor about a week.
Um had an MRI, we just it justlike goes on and on.
Um got uh hooked up with aneurologist, which was a whole
(26:41):
experience in itself, and theywere able to get the seizures to
stop, and then it was kind ofsort of a wait and see uh
situation on you know, lettingher come home was could she eat?
And she started doing luckilyall those things really quickly,
and so again, after thatinitial sort of really scary
(27:07):
time, she recovered really fast.
Angela (27:13):
So, how how was your postpartum once you got home?
It was terrible.
Natalie (27:18):
Yeah, the it was just scary.
It was just like a such a weleft sort of the way it was left
with us is she was doing great,but she had had an MRI like two
days old or something, and theway it was explained to us by
this neurologist was on an MRI,sort of recent seizure activity
(27:42):
and brain damage looks exactlythe same.
So her brain on the MRI likedid not look good, and it was
kind of like we were given thisreally negative uh outlook.
You know, I remember asking,like, well, couldn't it just be
that it was seizure activity?
And the neurologist saidbasically in her experience, you
(28:07):
know, 90% of the time it's likeactual damage and we should
expect all these terriblethings, uh, you know, quadratic
cerebral palsy, assistance forlife, like just went on and on
about how terrible um theprognosis would be.
Angela (28:25):
So we were like you're like two days postpartum when
you're hearing us.
Natalie (28:29):
Yeah.
Um we got paired with an OT whowould come to our house once we
got home twice a week.
So basically, although youknow, every day she was doing
fine, that was sort of what wewere sent home um with.
(28:54):
So that was really challengingto recover from, I would say.
Angela (29:01):
Yeah, yeah, that's so hard, just the way that they
frame it, you know, it's likeworst case scenario always.
Like, let's not have any likelike humanized care, right?
Natalie (29:12):
Yeah, yeah.
I still have a picture of shedrew like a brain I still have
it, just like scribbled all overit.
Just she was just so negative.
Speaker 2 (29:23):
Yeah.
Natalie (29:25):
Um, and we had a follow-up scheduled with her for
I think like two or threemonths out, but until then it
was just kind of wait and see,work with the OT, um, who was
great, and sort of proceeded tocome until um COVID happened
that winter and didn't seeanything, but it was an
(29:48):
interesting learning experience.
You know, I learned a lot aboutbabies' brains, which was
interesting, but also not thatfun to learn about with your own
child.
Um So yeah, it was a hardpostpartum period.
My parents were up here a lot.
Um and a funny thing I think Irealized now, like to me, I
(30:12):
hadn't I had never held a babybefore her.
And to me, honestly, all babieslook like they're damaged.
Like babies are just patheticlooking.
But I didn't know.
I didn't know it was normal.
And so I was always looking ather, wondering, is something
wrong with her?
Do other people look at her andthink she, you know, it's just
(30:32):
very sort of upsetting,confusing time.
Um, and I think Kyle and I lookback and think the first year
we feel like all that joy of uhnewborn was gone.
Angela (30:50):
So yeah, yeah, it's a lot.
It can be really hard,especially as you know, it's
your first time and you don'tknow, you know, like you've
never held a baby before.
How would you know?
They look pathetic, babies justlike you're just figuring all
this out.
Natalie (31:08):
Yeah, underdeveloped creatures that, you know, so she
in hindsight was there wasnothing wrong with her, but all
I could do was look at her andthink she was, you know, we're
headed for this terribleoutlook.
Angela (31:20):
Yeah, I feel like a lot of parents that don't have any
health issues come up can feellike that, like when you bring
home a new baby if you're notreally familiar with babies, and
then add on top of that a stayin the NICU and all of those
things the doctors are tellingyou, and then it's like, okay,
here, just go take care of thisbaby.
Like it's crazy.
It feels crazy.
So terrifying, yeah.
(31:41):
So how did it kind of go asthings the months went on?
Like, did you start to kind ofsettle in and like, yeah, how
did that go?
Natalie (31:50):
Yeah.
Um I, at the urging of my veryconcerned mother, went to a very
good postpartum, shespecialized in postpartum uh
help psychiatrist therapy, andthat was really instrumental in
sort of for me turning a corner.
Um because I was having a hardtime.
(32:12):
And then we did have a sort ofrandom, again, random experience
after Joni's first vaccine.
She had a like um hypertonicreaction later that day.
She just went white and stoppedbreathing for a number of
seconds.
So, of course, we thought itwas a seizure because we were
(32:32):
told we had to watch out forthose.
She was on um anti-seizuremedication, I think it was twice
a day at that time.
Um, and so we took a funambulance ride back to main med.
And this ended up being asilver lining of the whole
experience.
We got um paired up with adifferent neurologist who was on
(32:55):
call that night, and he justhad a whole his energy level was
just a much better fit for us.
He was positive, he wasfriendly.
Um, you know, I think said, I'mgonna go more based on what I
see than what a scan shows.
And so while we were there, shewas supposed to have a
follow-up MRI at her three-monthcheckup with the other
(33:18):
neurologist.
And he said, Well, you might aswell do that now while you're
here, if you're willing to dothat.
Um, and I think I asked him ifhe would be willing to take her
on that we could transfer care.
Um, and he said, Yes.
And so we did that um follow-upMRI, and it showed a 99% normal
(33:42):
brain scan with only one littletiny speck that he said if we
saw anything from that, it wouldbe much later and so subtle
that you would never even knowanything had happened to her.
And so we were able to leavethat day just with a whole new
(34:03):
sense of relief.
And um, she stayed on, I thinksort of proactively stayed on
the seizure medication foranother few months, and we had a
follow-up with him.
Um, I think where they did anE, I always get the terms
confused, E K G, E E G, wherethey have the little nodes um to
(34:25):
look for anything abnormal andeverything was perfect.
He checked her development andsaid, I think you can get rid of
this medication, and I hope Inever see you again.
Angela (34:35):
A year and a half she was at that age.
Natalie (34:37):
Yeah, I think so.
It was right around a year.
She was walk almost walking, Ithink.
So maybe it was a year.
So she stayed on the seizuremeds for a year.
Um and we had sort offollow-ups with him until that
point, and he said, I don't haveto see you ever again.
Yay.
Yeah.
Angela (34:59):
Wow.
So you mentioned it was herthree uh month vaccine
appointment that she kind of thefirst one was eight, what is
that at eight weeks or so?
Natalie (35:10):
Oh, okay.
And I guess it's pretty again,it was sort of a negative
hospital experience because theambulance drivers, everybody we
interacted with that night said,and did anything different
happen today?
And we said the only thing thathappened was she got all of her
shots today.
(35:31):
Um and sort of the ambulanceworkers, the nurses, later the
psychologist that I had wasworking with said, Yeah, babies
sometimes can have a weirdreaction um to specifically the
pertussis vaccine.
And later on, our even ourpediatrician um took that one
(35:51):
out.
So she got a separated out T DA without the P.
Um for whatever reason, it canjust call it it's harmless, it's
just like she was little, itwas just too much, and it causes
like this, they go white andthey stop breathing um for a
very brief amount of time.
And I think it just consideringher history, that was
(36:14):
terrifying.
Um, and we didn't know what itwas at the time.
Angela (36:18):
Yeah, that's super scary, especially considering
like they don't have the samedose for that vaccine that they
would give a 10-year-old or a15-year-old that they give the
little babies, you know.
It's like the same Right.
Natalie (36:29):
And she's since gone on to she's now had that.
She's caught up on that again.
We would just waited until shewas older at the recommendation
of the pediatrician.
Um, that it's just more likelyto happen the smaller the baby,
you know, it's just more commonin little babies.
It just overwhelms theirsystem.
Angela (36:49):
Wow.
Okay.
Yeah.
So how did you find out youwere pregnant for the second
time now?
Natalie (36:55):
Again, I think after Joni, I was like, I'm never
doing this again.
Um, but I think as she sort ofreached the I always wanted to,
if I was going to have any, Iwanted to have two.
And so for a long time I feltlike sort of that possibility
had been sort of taken from me.
But as she got older, westarted talking about a little
(37:17):
more, just right around two.
I feel like I say is when theylike trick you into thinking you
should have another one,meaning the child, because
they're like just fun enough andless needy that you forget how
awful it is to have a baby, atleast for me personally.
I know some people really likehaving a baby.
Um, you know, she's fun, she'ssmiling, she's walking like
little buddy.
(37:38):
And so we were talking abouthaving another one, and I
remember I we scheduled ameeting with Brenda of the
Midwives and sort of talkedabout based on what happened
with her, do you think this islikely to happen again?
And she said, absolutely not.
Um and I think that's what madeus feel like we could try
(37:59):
again, and so we did, and again,it was like the first um we
were gonna try to do a springbaby this time.
We had talked to some friends,and they said actually it's
easier to have a spring babybecause they're not so mobile,
you can wear them all summer,and so uh we were tried one
month, and then I think I gotcold feet and decided I wanted
(38:22):
to wait another year, but it wastoo late.
I had already I remember Icried.
I was like, oh god.
So yeah, um, I got really tiredagain, so that's when I think
Kyle knew before I was willingto acknowledge it because I was
getting sleepy again.
Angela (38:43):
So yeah.
So you had already checked inwith Brenda, so I'm assuming
your care plans were home birthagain?
Natalie (38:54):
Um they actually started out not home birth.
Weirdly, I was in this weirdmindset of sort of feeling
confused that although I feltlike the hospital had made a
series of errors and bad care, Ialso felt scared to not use
them in a weird way.
It was a strange contradictionin my head that that's like it's
(39:16):
supposed to be the safest placeto be, even though they caused
all these bad things to happen.
And so I just decided to use adifferent hospital.
We were gonna use the midwivesthat are part of Made Med, but
they're in North Conway becausewe're a sort of equidistance to
there.
Um, and Lindsay, who had been apartner with Brenda, my good
(39:39):
friend, had since become um goneback to school for nursing.
And she worked on the labor anddelivery floor in North Conway.
And I had two visits with them,and my blood pressure just
walking into that hospitalsetting went through the roof.
And they again, I don't knowwhy this information doesn't
(40:04):
transfer on a chart, but they ifyou apparently if your blood
pressure is high for more thantwo visits, you're automatically
funneled into a high-riskcategory.
And so they started talking tome about induction, and I
freaked out and just said, Idon't think I can do this.
And we called Brenda and metwith her shortly after and just
(40:28):
decided to give the home birth ago again.
And I think I I didn't want tohave initially, I didn't want to
feel like I was just repeatingthe same experience and have the
same outcome.
And I think even just doingthose two hospital prenatal
appointments sort of differedthe experience enough that I
(40:50):
could get that out of my headthat we weren't just having a
repeat scenario.
Angela (40:55):
Yeah, wow, that's kind of crazy.
So it was early in yourpregnancy, and the hospital's
like, let's talk aboutinduction.
Natalie (41:02):
Just couldn't, yeah, you would think that would I
don't know, it was it was reallybothered me that that you would
think that would be in my chartthat I can't it's just or a
little more awareness around it,but just nothing.
It was just, and I rememberasking Lindsay, like, why are
they?
And she said it's justprotocol, like the minute your
(41:24):
blood pressure is out of range,they have to.
If you do it for two visits ina row, that's what they're
trained to do.
Wow.
And my blood pressure was fine,turns out like when they
measure it at home, it just Igot so nervous just being back
in that hospital.
Angela (41:41):
Yeah, that's interesting how like the different
situations and environments thatwe put ourselves in can change
our blood pressure.
Right.
Oh boy, so awesome.
So, how are you doing once youshifted your care back into
yeah, planning for a home birth?
Natalie (41:59):
Good.
It felt really good to be backwith them again.
My friend Lindsay wasn't partof the group anymore, but I felt
like we had a really nicerelationship with Brenda, and
they had two newer midwives thathad joined the practice at the
time, who I really enjoyed.
Um, Brenda, we had traded andLindsay um food, our food with
(42:21):
the first time and the secondtime.
So I feel like we developed anice relationship with Brenda as
well, sort of in theintermediate years between Joni
and Raya.
And then sort of have mutualfriends.
Um, so I felt and I also Idon't know if this is correct,
but I got the sense that shewanted to help us have a redo.
(42:45):
So that was nice.
Um, so the care was great asusual.
I said no to a lot more too,even with them.
I think I just had learned withJoni, again, sort of talking
about that line of fear thatmore data was not good for me.
And so I just many visits wejust didn't do my blood
(43:07):
pressure, or I didn't do thediabetes screening, or I just
decided I was gonna just trust,which overall I did.
It was still, of course, hadits emotional ups and downs.
I was terrified of having arepeat experience, but I kept
sort of going back at it with anintention that I was gonna just
(43:31):
let it play out.
I still wasn't like a I stillwas like a fairly small pregnant
person.
Um I'm very active.
I think it was just a like goodset of abs from farming and
just holds everything in.
And so the measurements wereall really normal.
Um and the way I was trying toexplain it to people when they
(43:54):
comment is just like the babywas just like up as high as it
could be, like length, the babyjust got smooshed up and just
didn't go out, um, which wassort of odd because you know it
was super uncomfortable.
I was like full-on pregnant,but I didn't look like it.
Um and so that was um, yeah,everything was fine.
(44:15):
I was feeling her move a lotmore because Joni's placenta, I
think, would have been in thefront.
So that was a really differentsensation.
Um, I did take it a littleeasier on myself.
It was winter, um, the end ofthe pregnancy.
So we weren't farming.
Um, I still was walking everyday in the woods, um, you know,
(44:39):
I think relatively reallyactive, but I did sort of give
myself permission to be less uhstubborn.
And you can't do as I also hada two and a half year old or
three-year-old to take care of,so it's a whole different type
of pregnancy.
Angela (44:54):
Yeah, I bet the afternoon, like early bedtime
looked a little different.
Natalie (45:00):
Yeah, you're just like it's just not as easy when you
have another one to it's not asluxurious, I guess, is the word.
Angela (45:07):
Yeah, so how were things looking as you got closer to
your due date?
Natalie (45:13):
Everything was great.
I um they increased the visits.
We had talked about sort of myvision for the birth, and I had
been a little sort of resistantto the idea of the tub.
I just didn't feel like thatwould be a good fit.
Um, but we had a I have ahorse.
(45:34):
We have an old horse trough umthat was sort of equivalent to a
birth tub that the midwiveshave, and they lend those out.
And so we I think Kyle cleanedthat.
They gave me a liner, sort ofwe had that available, and they
give you a sheet of how toconnect your um bathroom so it's
(45:55):
clean and sterile.
And we hadn't done that.
We I was really like draggingmy feet about the tub.
Um, and I think I had Raya, shewas early.
Like I thought Joni was gonnabe right around 38 weeks, and we
got the tub ready the same dayshe was born, not knowing she
(46:16):
was gonna be born that day, butwe still have receipts from the
hardware store with the date ofKyle going and picking up the
right fittings to hook up thetub.
So that's kind of a funnylittle side note.
I had had what for me felt likethe first set of contractions
the night before, but verymellow and spaced apart, I was
(46:39):
able to sleep between.
Um, they had stopped in themorning, so I went for a walk.
I had stopped walking in thewoods because I think that week
for the first time I this isgonna sound a little crazy.
I was like, I would walk in thewoods every day with the dogs
on the snowmobile trails, prettyhilly.
And that week I had had to stopand sit down a couple times
(47:03):
because I thought I was gonnapass out, and so I thought like
maybe not a great idea to bewalking by myself in the woods
anymore.
Um, so I went for a walk downthe road, which is still two
miles with a very serious hill.
Um, and I took so long thatKyle called me because he was
(47:24):
worried.
Um, I said, no, I'm fine, it'sjust really slow.
And when I got back, thecontractions started up again.
Um, and I called the midwivesand they asked, you know, what
the right they were veryirregular.
It was like seven minutes,twenty minutes, four minutes,
seven minutes.
(47:44):
Um I said, oh, it's probablynothing, just early.
You know, it can be falselabor.
Call us if anything changes,and sort of we went about our
day.
I think I lounged a bit in thesun.
Um, Kyle went to the hardwarestore.
A friend stopped by, I thinkasked how I was doing.
Kyle just said, Oh, she justfeels weird today.
(48:04):
Um I think we picked up Joni.
She must have been at daycare.
And I remember we were givingher a bath upstairs.
And I was starting to have morepainful contractions, but they
were still really randomlyspaced.
I was trying to time them andit just was not regular at all.
And I remember asking Kyle,like, do you think I should
(48:27):
call?
I don't, I don't want to botherthem.
I don't want to make them come,but I don't know if I can.
They really prep you to havefalse labor.
And I just remember saying,like, I don't know if I can do
this for a week.
This is really uncomfortable.
Um, I was just like, I don'tthink I can keep this up.
This is it, it was gettingreally uncomfortable.
Um, but they tell you, theygive a whole handout about how
(48:50):
this false labor can go on forweeks.
Um he said, just call.
And so I called Brenda, and Ithink she happened to be in
Cornish.
Her son lives pretty close tous, and she was passing through,
and she popped over.
Um, I think did a quick exam.
And I remember her saying,Yeah, I'm gonna go home and just
(49:14):
get my stuff and then comeback.
And I said, Well, should I callmy parents?
They live two and a half hoursaway.
They were that was the plan.
They're gonna be here to watchJoni.
She said, Yeah, she's verymellow, like never an alarm
sound comes out of her body.
Yeah, you should call them.
Should they come tonight,tomorrow, tonight would be good.
(49:37):
Um, and I wanted Lindsay, myfriend Lindsay, to be there.
And she had told me if itwasn't a night she was at the
hospital, she would come.
And so I called Lindsay.
Brenda left, said she would beback.
Um, and I think in themeanwhile, my mucus plug came
(49:58):
out.
So I think I called themidwives again and I spoke to a
different one and said, youknow, I think Brenda was going
home and gonna come back.
She said, Yeah, Brenda was tooworried to go home.
She's just waiting in Cornish,she'll be back.
You know, she didn't, she lives15 minutes from here, and she
didn't even think she had timeto go home.
So I think she just went to geta snack or something at the
(50:19):
store, and she was back prettyquick.
And I think I tried to get inour tub, and I just really
wanted to be on my hands andknees.
And our tub just wasn't like Icouldn't be in the water.
Um, so I got out and Brendafound me at the top of our
stairs shortly after that.
And I remember saying I wasintending to get dressed, I just
(50:42):
haven't done it yet.
She said, I don't think that'simportant anymore.
Um, so she helped me get downour stairs.
We have really old house steep,steep stairs.
Um, and we moved up to theloft.
We have a finished space aboveour garage, and that was where
we planned to have the berth.
And I just remember being on myhands and knees that that felt
(51:05):
like intuitively orinstinctually, just that's all I
wanted to do.
Um Kyle was watching Joni.
Um, and I remember hearingBrenda in the background.
I had left it with Lindsay thatBrenda would call her when it
was time because I didn't wanther to have to spend hours and
hours here.
And I think Brenda called heralmost immediately and told her
(51:28):
she should come over.
Brenda kept trying to get Kyleto come up.
He was, she was asking me um ifthere was anyone who could
watch Joni.
And I remember telling her,call Michelle, who is a friend
of ours.
And it must have been, I thinkI had called Brenda originally
around 3 p.m.
and now it was five.
And Kyle called Michelle, andshe came from work and stayed
(51:50):
with Joni, so he was able tocome upstairs with me around
5:30 or 6.
Um, and Lindsay came aroundthat time as well.
Um, and they made a little likepillow shelf for me by we have
these big beautiful windows inour loft so that I could be on
my hands and knees, but sort ofrest between contractions.
(52:12):
And I remember Lindsay beingthere and just sort of talking
me through um all of it.
Um at some point she must haveasked or I asked if I could get
in the tub.
And they got the tub ready.
Um, again, I was just on myhands and knees.
My water broke in the tub,which was a bizarre.
(52:34):
It was like a torpedo.
I remember I didn't know whatit was.
It looked like a torpedo hadshot out of the um tub, and that
was what finished the dilation.
It went, I think, from likeseven to ten just with the water
breaking.
Um and then this was a wholenew experience from Joni.
(52:57):
I just had I had the sort offorceful ejection of
contractions.
It the way I describe it is Ifelt like my body just vomited
her out.
Um it was but I couldn't stopit.
It would have you know, I wouldhelp push at the end of each of
those sensations, but it was atotally reflex experience of my
(53:24):
body.
Um, and so she was born, Ithink around 7 p.m.
So it was a very short.
Uh didn't even keep themovernight.
I remember joking with Lindsay.
He didn't even give up to stayovernight with me.
Wow.
Oh my gosh, what a beautifulstory.
Yeah, just easy, justeverything that didn't happen
(53:46):
with Joni.
I got to do the second timearound.
Wow.
And it was that's still prettyquick.
Super fast.
I mean, I'm pretty sure Joniwould have been quick too.
I think I just was gonna bequick and the medication was way
too much.
So yeah, I didn't yeah, it wasjust very, very fast.
(54:09):
You know, in hindsight, I wasin labor all day, but I just
didn't really realize it.
So sort of from knowing tobirth was from 3 p.m.
to seven.
My parents showed up just intime.
Did they witness the birth?
No, I did not want them to, butthey were downstairs with Joni,
and Lindsay had brought herdaughter, Flora, and my friend
(54:29):
Michelle was able to leave.
Um, and my parents were reallynervous, you know, they had to
go through everything that I didwith Joni, and so I um I know
Lindsay went down to tell my dadthat I had had Raya, and I
think they were shocked with howfast, you know, I had called
them a couple hours earlier, andshe said he got pretty
(54:52):
emotional.
Angela (54:54):
So, how was your early postpartum, those first yeah, a
few days being home?
Natalie (55:02):
It was just so different.
I um and even in hindsight,everything about Raya was
different.
Again, just I, you know, hadthe reverse order happened, I
would have known more.
Um, you know, Joni, I couldn'tget her to nurse.
You know, in hindsight,something was wrong and we just
didn't know.
Raya came out sucking her ownthumb.
(55:24):
You had to pry it out of hermouth.
She just was, you know,healthy.
She was nothing had happened.
And so she, you know, I can'tsay breastfeeding early was
easy.
It, you know, I still struggledwith it, but it went the way it
should have gone.
I was able to do it.
(55:44):
She had a good sucking reflex.
Um, I remember spending thefirst night, I was just wide
awake, sort of like thatpost-birth, a little bit wired.
Um, Kyle passed out, Iremember, and Raya was just
asleep on me um in our bed,tucked in.
You know, Joni got to meet her,my parents got to meet her, and
(56:04):
then we just spent it was justsuch a different, peaceful, the
whole thing environment.
It's a whole vibe.
Yeah, yeah, it's amazing thedifference.
Angela (56:18):
So yeah, yeah.
Wow.
So how was your postpartum sortof after that, those next like
few weeks and months?
Natalie (56:27):
It was much better.
I had scheduled a meeting withthe psychologist sort of
preemptively, so I met with heronce or twice, but everything
was going um great.
Uh it was just so much easier.
I mean, I think the second one,anyway, you just you just know
more, you're more relaxed.
(56:48):
Um, this was just a much betterexperience.
I mean, it had its ups anddowns as just having a baby is.
Um and I think even Kyle and Idon't we don't remember feeling
as tired with Raya.
And I don't know if that was wewere better prepared or just
lacked that sort of emotionaldisturbing aspect that we had
(57:13):
had with Joni is we just sort offelt like almost superhuman,
like wow, we're just not thattired, even with a um a baby.
Uh and yeah, just so much moreeverything was scary with Joni,
you know, it was just new havinga baby, and then everything
that happened with her.
(57:34):
Um, so this time around reallyfelt like the way it was
supposed to feel the first time.
Angela (57:42):
As a final question, if you were to give advice to
someone who's expecting or evenother new parents, what's one of
the biggest things that you'dwant to share at this point in
your journey?
Natalie (57:56):
Yeah, I think it's interesting that you mentioned
you're doing some learning aboutthat line of fear.
Um and I think it's not so muchadvice, but just understanding
that that's such a real part ofthe whole process of uh
pregnancy, labor, delivery, andreally trying to find that sense
(58:20):
of trust in yourself.
And it doesn't mean thateverything's gonna go perfectly,
but I think it takes um if youcan find that in yourself, it
makes it all a lot easier.
And even with Raya, I rememberKyle and I had a very clear
discussion that if we're goingwith this home birth route the
(58:43):
second time, you know, there's alevel of risk associated with
that, and we both just decidedthat we were okay with that,
that that was the decision wewere making, and it was a really
intentional decision to, youknow, sort of allow preemptive
forgiveness if something badhappened.
(59:05):
That's the decision we'remaking.
And so that's what I felt likeI lacked the first time, but I
learned a lot.
Angela (59:13):
Huh, yeah, that's so important.
Just tuning into the, you know,what is the difference between
intuition and fear?
And risk looks different toeverybody, you know.
Like it's some people thinkgoing to the hospital is
incredibly risky, and somepeople think that it's the
safest place.
And really, like at the end ofthe day, there's no one size
(59:34):
fits all for birth.
There's no thing that justworks for everybody, and you
just, you know, learn all of theoptions and choose what's right
for you, you know.
Yeah.
Well, thank you so much,Natalie, for taking the time to
chat with me today and shareyour two incredible birth
stories.
Thank you.
Before you go, I just want toremind you, I have a ton of
(59:59):
resources.
For pregnancy and birth.
If you're pregnant, whetheryou're a first-time mom or if
this is your fifth baby, I wantyou to check out the show notes
because I have some freetrainings and free downloads
that you can sign up for, aswell as the link to access My
Labor of Love, a comprehensive,self-paced online childbirth
education course.
(01:00:19):
I created this coursespecifically for moms who don't
want to be told what to do,regardless of where you're
birthing or who you're birthingwith.
And I'd honestly love to teachyou everything that I know so
that you can prepare for anautonomous birth experience and
prepare to step into your roleas the leader of your birth
journey.
So click to the show notes,check out all of those links,
(01:00:42):
and if you ever have anyquestions, feel free to DM me at
my mainbirth over on Instagram.
I don't even know looking back that it was my
intuition.
I was nervous.
I think you know, I just let itget it's scary to you don't
really think about you'recarrying a human.
It's just like a wildexperience.
You're responsible for anotherbeing that's part of you.
And so that I don't think I wasreally prepared for how
(00:20):
overwhelming that fell in termsof decision making.
And I got, yeah, I got nervous.
I think the midwives felt likeeverything was fine and thought
that would help me feel better.
And then that it's always thequestion, like, what if I had
never gone for that ultrasound?
Angela (00:37):
That's like really a big thing right there that we've
actually been talking a lotabout in some of these other
classes that I'm in, is tuninginto the difference between
intuition and fear.
It's a really confusing line.
Yeah, it's it can be a reallyconfusing line, especially with
a first-time pregnancy.
And yeah, planning a home birthfor that.
(00:58):
That's a big deal.
Natalie (00:59):
I feel like the second one I did a lot.
I don't want to say better, butI feel like I handled that line
much differently the secondtime around.
Um, but I just wasn't preparedfor that.
Angela (01:14):
I'm Angela, and I'm a certified birth photographer,
experienced dual, childbirtheducator, and your host here on
the My Main Birth podcast.
This is a space where we sharethe real life stories of
families and their unique birthexperiences in the beautiful
state of Maine.
From our state's biggesthospitals to birth center births
(01:34):
and home births, every birthstory deserves to be heard and
celebrated.
Whether you're a soon-to-bemom, a seasoned mother, or
simply interested in the worldof birth, these episodes are for
you.
Welcome back.
You're listening to episode 139of My Main Birth.
(01:55):
As a reminder, I share alldifferent types of stories here
on the podcast.
Whether you've birthed in ahospital, at a birth center, or
at home, whether your story waspositive, negative, or somewhere
in between, your story iswelcome in this space.
The only requirement forsharing a story here on the
podcast is that at least one ofyour stories is a main birth
(02:18):
story.
As an added bonus, I also offera gift certificate for a family
adventure photo session,redeemable on the session day of
your choice, to all of mypodcast guests.
I host these session days aticonic locations across Maine
throughout the spring, summer,and fall.
So if you'd like to join thecommunity of Maine Mom sharing
(02:42):
birth stories here on thepodcast, you can fill out the
form over on the podcast page onmy website, mymainbirth.com, or
you can always send me amessage over on Instagram at
mymainbirth.
Today's birth story guest isNatalie, and she is here to
share her two main birth storieswith us.
(03:04):
Hi Natalie, welcome to my mainbirth.
Natalie (03:08):
Hi.
Angela (03:09):
To get started, would you share a little bit about you
and your family?
Natalie (03:15):
Yeah, we my husband Kyle and I live in Cornish,
Maine.
We have a small certifiedorganic farm, grow vegetables.
I also work part-time.
I've been doing it for manyyears at Krista's restaurant in
Cornish.
Kyle and I met working for theAppalachian Mountain Club up in
the White Mountains, traveled abit, worked on other farms, and
(03:38):
then we settled here in Cornish.
And now we have two kids, Joni,who's six, Raya, who's two and
a half, and we've been here, Ithink about 11 years.
Angela (03:48):
Awesome.
So now jumping into your birthstories.
Actually, before we get to thebirth stories, would you share a
little bit about like what yourviews were on birth, like
growing up, maybe what were someof the stories that you heard
about birth and just kind offraming like what your mindset
was about birth leading up towhen you became pregnant?
Natalie (04:11):
Yeah, I actually sort of never was someone who thought
I really wanted kids growing upor even as a young adult.
I just was sort of focused onother things.
And I think unfortunately, tosome degree, had the mindset,
you know, of like being a strongwoman and having kids were two
separate things in my mindgrowing up.
(04:33):
I'm not exactly sure why.
And so I was sort ofindependent and didn't really
want to identify as that type ofperson that just was always
thinking about having kids.
And um, so it wasn't on theforefront of my mind.
And then I think as Kyle and Ihave been together for quite a
long time now, and sort of asour relationship progressed, and
(04:57):
of course, I think I maturedand met other strong moms and
women with and without kids,women with and without kids.
Um it just sort of grew to besomething that felt like the
next step in our relationship,and that I did really want to
have kids together with apartner who I really care about,
and it felt like it woulddeepen our relationship that
(05:19):
way.
So I didn't really, I guess,get exposed to many birth
stories, maybe because I didn'task, or it just wasn't in my
upbringing, just didn't feellike I was very much exposed to
any of it.
Angela (05:34):
So, how did you find out you were pregnant for the first
time?
Yeah, and what were yourthoughts in choosing your care?
Natalie (05:41):
It was an intentional decision that we were ready to
have kids, and I think we werethinking a fall, a fall baby
would be in our minds mostideal, sort of with the flow of
the farm.
And I also didn't know if itwould happen right away, so I
think it was winter and we weregonna start trying, and it
(06:04):
happened immediately.
And so uh Joanie was due inOctober for the first one, so it
was just a pregnancy test andit was immediate.
So, in sort of the course ofour farming journey, I came
across this woman who I becamequite friendly with who uh was
(06:28):
connected to the farm Kyle and Iworked on for several years.
Um, she also worked atKrista's, and she and I became
really good friends.
And she at the time was along-term partner at the Socopy
Midwives.
Um, her name's Lindsay.
And then also in our farmingcircles, many of the other
farmers had used um midwives forcare.
And it was something that I hadnever been exposed to.
(06:49):
But sort of as I developed thisrelationship with Lindsay and
these other farmers, I thought,of course, this is what I would
want to do.
It makes so much sense.
It's right up my alley.
So we knew, Kyle and I knewgoing into it that that's who we
would want to use.
Angela (07:06):
Awesome.
So, how were you feelingthroughout that pregnancy as
your pregnancy started out?
Natalie (07:11):
It was really easy.
I didn't really get sick.
The best part was I slept somuch.
It was like the best sleep I'veever gotten in my life.
I would just, you know, gettired around three or four in
the afternoon.
Um, I'd tell Kyle I was gonnago like rest for a bit, and then
(07:33):
I would just pass out for thenight.
And I think he kind ofexpressed later that he was
feeling like a little lonelyduring that time because I was
sleeping so much.
But I had sort of always beensomeone who didn't sleep very
well, so I just thought it wasamazing.
I stayed pretty active.
We were farming.
I walk in the woods every day,or at least I did at that time.
(07:54):
And again, I think a little bitof the stubborn side of me
didn't want to let it slow medown.
So I probably pushed myselfmore than I needed to, or maybe
was necessarily like mentallyhealthy for myself.
I just was gonna not let thisthing, you know, uh change me,
or so I just kind of kept at it.
(08:16):
And I felt pretty good.
It definitely, you know, hadits moments and of being
uncomfortable and the way itgoes.
Angela (08:26):
Yeah.
So how were your appointmentslooking, like towards the
beginning of your pregnancy andthen as it progressed?
Natalie (08:34):
Yeah, the midwives are great.
The appointments are a mix ofthey come to your house or you
go to their office.
I did a couple appointments atLindsay's house where she was
living at the time, at the theiroffice.
They would come here.
They're just like reallymellow.
They already knew Lindsayreally well as a friend, but it
just feels like a chat, like andit's it's like an hour-long
(08:57):
chat of you know, it's veryrelaxed.
They, you know, they do doblood pressure and monitoring
and all that, but it's sort ofmixed in with just how are you
feeling?
What's you know, it it theyreally care and it makes you
feel like a person.
Um, so it was really greatexperience in that way for me.
Angela (09:16):
It's really like that humanized care.
It's not just that conveyorbelt going through the motions,
like, you know, as you were withan OB in the hospital, right?
Natalie (09:26):
Yeah, not at all.
And I remember they did, I hadtalked to other um friends who,
you know, had been or were goingthrough hospital care.
And even for the gestationaldiabetes tests, they cooked me
pancakes, and you know, we justlike sat and talked while they,
you know, it's just so differentthan what I was hearing was
happening at the hospital.
Angela (09:48):
Yeah.
So how were things looking likeas you got farther into your
pregnancy?
Natalie (09:55):
Everything was very, very straightforward, except
that in my I was I didn't lookvery pregnant throughout really
any of it.
And so that sort of I had a20-week ultrasound, everything
was normal, and then we didn'thave any planned imaging until
(10:18):
really late in the pregnancy.
The midwives suggested I do anultrasound, I think, just to
make me feel better because Iwas getting nervous.
People would say I was prettysmall, I was measuring fine, but
I looked, didn't look verypregnant.
So people were just saying,people make funny comments.
(10:38):
They just like don't thinkabout what comes out of their
mouth.
And I got nervous, and so Iwent for uh, I think it was like
37 in a week, 37 and a halfweek ultrasound.
And that was what sort of setoff the transfer of care to the
hospital.
Angela (10:56):
Yeah, so there was no real indication, like you were
measuring fine, you were justkind of feeling small.
You your intuition was kind oftelling you something felt off,
so you wanted to go in.
How did that unfold for you?
Yeah.
Natalie (11:14):
Yeah, and I don't, I don't even know looking back
that it was my intuition.
I was nervous.
I think, you know, I just letit get, it's scary to you don't
really think about you'recarrying a human.
It's just like a wildexperience.
You're responsible for anotherbeing that's part of you.
And so that I don't think I wasreally prepared for how
(11:35):
overwhelming that felt in termsof decision making.
And I got, yeah, I got nervous.
I think the midwives felt likeeverything was fine and thought
that would help me feel better.
And then that it's always thequestion, like, what if I had
never gone for that ultrasound?
Angela (11:53):
That's like really a big thing right there that we've
actually been talking a lotabout in some of these other
classes that I'm in, is tuninginto the difference between
intuition and fear.
You know, it's a reallyconfusing line.
Yeah, it's it can be a reallyconfusing line, especially in
the first-time pregnancy.
And yeah, planning a home birthfor that.
Natalie (12:13):
That's a big deal.
I feel like the second one Idid a lot, I don't want to say
better, but I feel like Ihandled that line much
differently the second timearound.
Um, but I just wasn't preparedfor that.
And I think I struggle withthat anyway, so it was just, you
know, sort of a perfect recipefor maybe too much information
(12:37):
in hindsight.
Angela (12:39):
Yeah.
So how well how did theultrasound go?
What happened then?
Natalie (12:42):
Yeah, so the ultrasound revealed what was called a late
Cori amniotic separation.
Um, and I don't know if you'refamiliar with that.
I wasn't at all.
Apparently, sometime in thefirst half of pregnancy, there's
two layers to the amniotic sacand they fuse.
And mine had because I had anormal ultrasound at 20 weeks.
(13:04):
And at this point, which wasjust after 37 weeks, they it was
showing a slight separation.
And it was one of those momentswhere you don't want to be that
person where they say, We don'tsee this ever.
And they had seen, I think theyhad one woman at Maine Med
Portland that had this, and sheended up having a stillbirth,
(13:24):
and so they recommended animmediate induction.
So we were sort of left withthat information.
They wouldn't, like Main Med, Ithink I'm sure because of
liability, wouldn't like talklike anymore about it.
Like, this is just what werecommend.
We had a meeting with themidwives, they said they were
(13:45):
still comfortable proceedingwith a home birth.
And so Kyle and I had to gohome and sort of think about
what we would do.
Um, I think we were able tofind the records of that, not
records, but that stillbirth.
Like it was a whole write-up onPubMed or something, you can
look it up.
And so we read it, and it'sjust really unclear.
(14:08):
Like it was unclear what was itthat was it, who knows?
Um, and so again, we got scaredand I think just decided.
I remember talking to myparents.
I think I went and visited afriend who sort of um felt like
a mother type sister figure tome.
And um, we just decided Iwasn't gonna be able to sleep at
(14:30):
all until like having thatinformation, feeling that risk.
And so we decided to do aninduction.
Wow, at 37 weeks now.
Yeah, I think it was 30 by thetime it was like 38.
I don't know.
It was somewhere around there.
Angela (14:45):
Yeah.
So how did that, yeah, likeunfold?
Natalie (14:50):
Yeah, I think we called um the midwives, said that was
our decision.
They were very supportive.
And Brenda, who was Lindsay'spartner at the practice or and
still is there, although she'sheading into retirement, um,
drove with us to main med, gotus checked in um and transferred
(15:13):
the care.
And I think that was aroundlike 6 p.m.
It was in the evening, it wasdark.
I remember.
Um, so it had to be sort ofafter four or five o'clock that
we went and got checked in andlike we packed a bunch of stuff.
Everybody says, like, you know,inductions are slow, like Kyle
brought books, you know.
(15:34):
So just I don't exactlyremember what I brought, but
everybody sort of emotionallyprepped us, like you could be
here for days.
And I think Brenda got a checkgot got us checked in and said
we could call her and Lindsaywhen things started to progress.
Yeah.
Angela (15:52):
So had you known much about the induction before, or
was it kind of like a crashcourse when this was kind of all
happening?
Natalie (16:00):
Course, which again feels like how much looking
back, should have I should Iprepared more or should I?
I I don't know.
I don't think there's a rightanswer to that.
It's really hard to know howmuch to prepare for.
So yeah, I didn't.
It was definitely a crashcourse.
I remember very clearly thenurse or the doctor saying all
(16:23):
inductions end in petosin washer language.
And I just like didn't evenhave any concept of what that
meant.
But mine did not.
So and yeah, just for a littleperspective, they checked me in,
you know, sometime after six orseven by the time you meet with
(16:45):
the doctors, do all the stuff.
And then Joni was born by Ithink it was like 11.
It was really fast.
Angela (16:52):
Oh wow.
So were you dilated at all whenyou got to the hospital before
things got started?
Natalie (16:57):
I feel like it was like two centimeters.
I had had this feeling that Iwas gonna have her early anyway.
Again, like hard to know ifthat's you know, you get these
feelings, but hard to know ifthat actually would have played
out.
Like if you had stayed home.
Yeah, I think she would havecome early.
Angela (17:14):
Yeah, interesting.
What type of method did youchoose to start the induction?
Natalie (17:21):
Um, I don't feel like I made any choices at after that
point, and that was anotherlearning experience for me, is I
feel like all choices went outthe window, partly because I
didn't know what they were,partly because of the way they
present things, partly becauseagain, it's that line of you
(17:42):
know fear that you just feellike you're in the hands of
people that tell you what you'resupposed to do, you're
responsible for this other lifethat's not even here yet.
And so I just felt like thatall choices were gone.
Angela (17:58):
Yeah, that that makes it really hard.
So, how are things presented toyou and how did it kind of
unfold?
Natalie (18:05):
It just sort of felt like this is what we're doing.
And so they did um, I thinkthey did the membrane stripping
first.
Uh, and then the ballooncatheter, and that I think, and
you're at the hospital you'rewearing the um monitor, the
fetal monitor.
So they said they can measure,they can measure the frequency
(18:29):
of contractions, but not thestrength of them and the baby's
heartbeat.
And so the balloon catheter, Ithink I started having
contractions, but then theystopped.
And so they would come, thenthey came in and they gave me a
dose of misoprostal vaginally,and that was um, I remember her
(18:50):
saying, we're just gonna giveyou a tiny dose just to see how
your body reacts.
And it was within 30 minutes ofhaving that, I was like in end
stages of labor.
Angela (19:01):
Wow.
So did it start when did youstart having contractions?
Natalie (19:06):
Probably about 15 or 20 minutes after having that
administered.
It just went from like nothingto uh like full labor.
I remember they had a chart inthe suite with like stages of
labor, and Kyle kept going andlooking at it and just like
feeling completely flustered byhow it was progressing.
(19:29):
I think I moved like in and outof the tub, but it just wasn't
comfortable.
I felt out of sorts there, andeverything just happened so
fast.
And then at some point I didask for an epidural, which again
wasn't what I planned on doing.
And I think if I had had themidwives there, I maybe would
have waited.
(19:50):
I started throwing up aroundthat time, which in hindsight
was a transition point.
And yeah, the monitor rightaround that time started showing
um heart decelerations.
Sorry, it's hard to talk about.
Um yeah, um, so she startedhaving heart decelerations.
(20:10):
So they were having me changepositions, like hands and knees.
The labor nurse was right therethe whole time in the it was a
resident on duty, kept coming inand checking, and I remember
hearing sort of overhearingmention of a possible C-section,
but that never played out.
I don't know why or what thatdecision, you know, it's just a
(20:34):
blur.
And then I think at some pointit was time to push, and I don't
really remember how thatdecision was made, because again
having my second daughter athome, it was just a whole
different process.
I don't know if they checkeddilation or they must have.
(20:56):
I just don't, it's not a clearmemory.
Angela (20:59):
When you're 10 centimeters, it's time to push,
whether you're like ready ornot.
Natalie (21:03):
It's like been the case.
Um and by that point, I thinkBrenda and Lindsay had both come
back.
Kyle must have called them.
I remember Lindsay being there.
The doctor was there, it was aresident, and I think a couple
other people were in the room.
Angela (21:23):
Had you gotten the epidural at this point or not
yet?
Natalie (21:26):
Yeah, I did.
And it didn't work completely,which I didn't know that was
also a thing.
Um, but I've heard that I couldstill feel my whole left side,
and I was able to, I don't thinkI was supposed to be able to do
this, but they were having mechange positions.
So I was getting up on my handsand knees and like changing
sides, and I didn't need anyhelp to do that, which um I
(21:50):
remember the nurses asking if Iwas gonna be able to, but I
could move around fine.
It was like it didn't workcompletely, apparently.
And yeah, and then she was bornand she came out uh sorry and
(22:11):
they um took her away and had tosort of revive her.
And then she had to go downpretty quickly um to the NICU.
Um, I think she had an Apcarswarm one.
Um I couldn't go with her.
(22:34):
Kyle went with her with Brenda.
Um and I don't remember howlong I stayed.
I had to get to a point where Icould walk, which I remember
happening pretty quickly.
Lindsay was with me, and thenwe were able to go down.
And Joni had actually recoveredreally quickly.
(22:54):
I think she they do the initialand then they do a second
score, and I think she was backup to an eight or a nine really
fast, which was great.
It was all really encouraging.
I think the only in hindsightred flag was she had a high
blood acid level they measure,which is a sign of um stress,
(23:15):
fetal stress.
Um and I think I don't rememberhow long she was there, but at
a certain point they had decidedshe had recovered enough that
we could go to the nursery withher.
And we like, you know, got aroom and tried to get her to
nurse and all that and sort ofrecover thinking everything was
(23:37):
fine.
Angela (23:40):
Yeah, yeah.
So how were you how were youdoing during this time and like
what was kind of happening,yeah, like after that?
Natalie (23:48):
I think I was just overwhelmed and also weirdly
glad to just have her out, um,as weird as that sounds.
Um and it didn't feel lookingback, it's more upsetting than
it was in the moment because Ithink it was just all so fast
(24:10):
and I didn't really understandeverything that was happening.
And so I was sort of blissfullyignorant of you know how
serious things were in thosemoments because it was just so
much information stuff.
I didn't know um a lot ofpeople, a lot of you know,
(24:32):
relief to just have the laborpart over.
Angela (24:37):
Yeah.
So how was your postpartum,like the early postpartum, those
first few days with her?
Natalie (24:44):
It was hard.
She after we were released tothe nursery, she started having
seizures from the labor.
I guess what had happened, andagain, I just didn't know any of
this, but the misoprostal whathad happened is I had
overstimulation of the uterus orhyperstimulation of the uterus.
And so the cons thecontractions were too strong and
(25:07):
too close together, and itcaused um brain swelling.
And so she we saw a seizure, Ithink that first night when we
were alone in the nursery, andso we ran out to the hall to get
a nurse, and by that time shehad kind of recovered, and the
(25:28):
nurse sort of brushed us off,saying it was probably a poop,
you know, she did babies lookweird.
Um, and I think they said wecould pass her off, you know, so
you can get some sleep.
They let you sort of put yourbaby in a little, you know, side
nursery under supervision.
So we did that because we werereally nervous.
And I remember falling asleepfor a few hours and woke up and
(25:52):
she wasn't back, and I knewthere was something wrong.
Um so we called for the nursingstaff and she had had seizures
while she was under theirsurveillance.
Um, so she was in the NICU andwe had to go down and get
briefed on what was going on.
And basically they were tryingto get the swelling from the
(26:14):
labor.
It was just too much impact forher under control.
Um so she was in the NICU umfor about a week.
Um had an MRI, we just it justlike goes on and on.
Um got uh hooked up with aneurologist, which was a whole
(26:41):
experience in itself, and theywere able to get the seizures to
stop, and then it was kind ofsort of a wait and see uh
situation on you know, lettingher come home was could she eat?
And she started doing luckilyall those things really quickly,
and so again, after thatinitial sort of really scary
(27:07):
time, she recovered really fast.
Angela (27:13):
So, how how was your postpartum once you got home?
It was terrible.
Natalie (27:18):
Yeah, the it was just scary.
It was just like a such a weleft sort of the way it was left
with us is she was doing great,but she had had an MRI like two
days old or something, and theway it was explained to us by
this neurologist was on an MRI,sort of recent seizure activity
(27:42):
and brain damage looks exactlythe same.
So her brain on the MRI likedid not look good, and it was
kind of like we were given thisreally negative uh outlook.
You know, I remember asking,like, well, couldn't it just be
that it was seizure activity?
And the neurologist saidbasically in her experience, you
(28:07):
know, 90% of the time it's likeactual damage and we should
expect all these terriblethings, uh, you know, quadratic
cerebral palsy, assistance forlife, like just went on and on
about how terrible um theprognosis would be.
Angela (28:25):
So we were like you're like two days postpartum when
you're hearing us.
Natalie (28:29):
Yeah.
Um we got paired with an OT whowould come to our house once we
got home twice a week.
So basically, although youknow, every day she was doing
fine, that was sort of what wewere sent home um with.
(28:54):
So that was really challengingto recover from, I would say.
Angela (29:01):
Yeah, yeah, that's so hard, just the way that they
frame it, you know, it's likeworst case scenario always.
Like, let's not have any likelike humanized care, right?
Natalie (29:12):
Yeah, yeah.
I still have a picture of shedrew like a brain I still have
it, just like scribbled all overit.
Just she was just so negative.
Speaker 2 (29:23):
Yeah.
Natalie (29:25):
Um, and we had a follow-up scheduled with her for
I think like two or threemonths out, but until then it
was just kind of wait and see,work with the OT, um, who was
great, and sort of proceeded tocome until um COVID happened
that winter and didn't seeanything, but it was an
(29:48):
interesting learning experience.
You know, I learned a lot aboutbabies' brains, which was
interesting, but also not thatfun to learn about with your own
child.
Um So yeah, it was a hardpostpartum period.
My parents were up here a lot.
Um and a funny thing I think Irealized now, like to me, I
(30:12):
hadn't I had never held a babybefore her.
And to me, honestly, all babieslook like they're damaged.
Like babies are just patheticlooking.
But I didn't know.
I didn't know it was normal.
And so I was always looking ather, wondering, is something
wrong with her?
Do other people look at her andthink she, you know, it's just
(30:32):
very sort of upsetting,confusing time.
Um, and I think Kyle and I lookback and think the first year
we feel like all that joy of uhnewborn was gone.
Angela (30:50):
So yeah, yeah, it's a lot.
It can be really hard,especially as you know, it's
your first time and you don'tknow, you know, like you've
never held a baby before.
How would you know?
They look pathetic, babies justlike you're just figuring all
this out.
Natalie (31:08):
Yeah, underdeveloped creatures that, you know, so she
in hindsight was there wasnothing wrong with her, but all
I could do was look at her andthink she was, you know, we're
headed for this terribleoutlook.
Angela (31:20):
Yeah, I feel like a lot of parents that don't have any
health issues come up can feellike that, like when you bring
home a new baby if you're notreally familiar with babies, and
then add on top of that a stayin the NICU and all of those
things the doctors are tellingyou, and then it's like, okay,
here, just go take care of thisbaby.
Like it's crazy.
It feels crazy.
So terrifying, yeah.
(31:41):
So how did it kind of go asthings the months went on?
Like, did you start to kind ofsettle in and like, yeah, how
did that go?
Natalie (31:50):
Yeah.
Um I, at the urging of my veryconcerned mother, went to a very
good postpartum, shespecialized in postpartum uh
help psychiatrist therapy, andthat was really instrumental in
sort of for me turning a corner.
Um because I was having a hardtime.
(32:12):
And then we did have a sort ofrandom, again, random experience
after Joni's first vaccine.
She had a like um hypertonicreaction later that day.
She just went white and stoppedbreathing for a number of
seconds.
So, of course, we thought itwas a seizure because we were
(32:32):
told we had to watch out forthose.
She was on um anti-seizuremedication, I think it was twice
a day at that time.
Um, and so we took a funambulance ride back to main med.
And this ended up being asilver lining of the whole
experience.
We got um paired up with adifferent neurologist who was on
(32:55):
call that night, and he justhad a whole his energy level was
just a much better fit for us.
He was positive, he wasfriendly.
Um, you know, I think said, I'mgonna go more based on what I
see than what a scan shows.
And so while we were there, shewas supposed to have a
follow-up MRI at her three-monthcheckup with the other
(33:18):
neurologist.
And he said, Well, you might aswell do that now while you're
here, if you're willing to dothat.
Um, and I think I asked him ifhe would be willing to take her
on that we could transfer care.
Um, and he said, Yes.
And so we did that um follow-upMRI, and it showed a 99% normal
(33:42):
brain scan with only one littletiny speck that he said if we
saw anything from that, it wouldbe much later and so subtle
that you would never even knowanything had happened to her.
And so we were able to leavethat day just with a whole new
(34:03):
sense of relief.
And um, she stayed on, I thinksort of proactively stayed on
the seizure medication foranother few months, and we had a
follow-up with him.
Um, I think where they did anE, I always get the terms
confused, E K G, E E G, wherethey have the little nodes um to
(34:25):
look for anything abnormal andeverything was perfect.
He checked her development andsaid, I think you can get rid of
this medication, and I hope Inever see you again.
Angela (34:35):
A year and a half she was at that age.
Natalie (34:37):
Yeah, I think so.
It was right around a year.
She was walk almost walking, Ithink.
So maybe it was a year.
So she stayed on the seizuremeds for a year.
Um and we had sort offollow-ups with him until that
point, and he said, I don't haveto see you ever again.
Yay.
Yeah.
Angela (34:59):
Wow.
So you mentioned it was herthree uh month vaccine
appointment that she kind of thefirst one was eight, what is
that at eight weeks or so?
Natalie (35:10):
Oh, okay.
And I guess it's pretty again,it was sort of a negative
hospital experience because theambulance drivers, everybody we
interacted with that night said,and did anything different
happen today?
And we said the only thing thathappened was she got all of her
shots today.
(35:31):
Um and sort of the ambulanceworkers, the nurses, later the
psychologist that I had wasworking with said, Yeah, babies
sometimes can have a weirdreaction um to specifically the
pertussis vaccine.
And later on, our even ourpediatrician um took that one
(35:51):
out.
So she got a separated out T DA without the P.
Um for whatever reason, it canjust call it it's harmless, it's
just like she was little, itwas just too much, and it causes
like this, they go white andthey stop breathing um for a
very brief amount of time.
And I think it just consideringher history, that was
(36:14):
terrifying.
Um, and we didn't know what itwas at the time.
Angela (36:18):
Yeah, that's super scary, especially considering
like they don't have the samedose for that vaccine that they
would give a 10-year-old or a15-year-old that they give the
little babies, you know.
It's like the same Right.
Natalie (36:29):
And she's since gone on to she's now had that.
She's caught up on that again.
We would just waited until shewas older at the recommendation
of the pediatrician.
Um, that it's just more likelyto happen the smaller the baby,
you know, it's just more commonin little babies.
It just overwhelms theirsystem.
Angela (36:49):
Wow.
Okay.
Yeah.
So how did you find out youwere pregnant for the second
time now?
Natalie (36:55):
Again, I think after Joni, I was like, I'm never
doing this again.
Um, but I think as she sort ofreached the I always wanted to,
if I was going to have any, Iwanted to have two.
And so for a long time I feltlike sort of that possibility
had been sort of taken from me.
But as she got older, westarted talking about a little
(37:17):
more, just right around two.
I feel like I say is when theylike trick you into thinking you
should have another one,meaning the child, because
they're like just fun enough andless needy that you forget how
awful it is to have a baby, atleast for me personally.
I know some people really likehaving a baby.
Um, you know, she's fun, she'ssmiling, she's walking like
little buddy.
(37:38):
And so we were talking abouthaving another one, and I
remember I we scheduled ameeting with Brenda of the
Midwives and sort of talkedabout based on what happened
with her, do you think this islikely to happen again?
And she said, absolutely not.
Um and I think that's what madeus feel like we could try
(37:59):
again, and so we did, and again,it was like the first um we
were gonna try to do a springbaby this time.
We had talked to some friends,and they said actually it's
easier to have a spring babybecause they're not so mobile,
you can wear them all summer,and so uh we were tried one
month, and then I think I gotcold feet and decided I wanted
(38:22):
to wait another year, but it wastoo late.
I had already I remember Icried.
I was like, oh god.
So yeah, um, I got really tiredagain, so that's when I think
Kyle knew before I was willingto acknowledge it because I was
getting sleepy again.
Angela (38:43):
So yeah.
So you had already checked inwith Brenda, so I'm assuming
your care plans were home birthagain?
Natalie (38:54):
Um they actually started out not home birth.
Weirdly, I was in this weirdmindset of sort of feeling
confused that although I feltlike the hospital had made a
series of errors and bad care, Ialso felt scared to not use
them in a weird way.
It was a strange contradictionin my head that that's like it's
(39:16):
supposed to be the safest placeto be, even though they caused
all these bad things to happen.
And so I just decided to use adifferent hospital.
We were gonna use the midwivesthat are part of Made Med, but
they're in North Conway becausewe're a sort of equidistance to
there.
Um, and Lindsay, who had been apartner with Brenda, my good
(39:39):
friend, had since become um goneback to school for nursing.
And she worked on the labor anddelivery floor in North Conway.
And I had two visits with them,and my blood pressure just
walking into that hospitalsetting went through the roof.
And they again, I don't knowwhy this information doesn't
(40:04):
transfer on a chart, but they ifyou apparently if your blood
pressure is high for more thantwo visits, you're automatically
funneled into a high-riskcategory.
And so they started talking tome about induction, and I
freaked out and just said, Idon't think I can do this.
And we called Brenda and metwith her shortly after and just
(40:28):
decided to give the home birth ago again.
And I think I I didn't want tohave initially, I didn't want to
feel like I was just repeatingthe same experience and have the
same outcome.
And I think even just doingthose two hospital prenatal
appointments sort of differedthe experience enough that I
(40:50):
could get that out of my headthat we weren't just having a
repeat scenario.
Angela (40:55):
Yeah, wow, that's kind of crazy.
So it was early in yourpregnancy, and the hospital's
like, let's talk aboutinduction.
Natalie (41:02):
Just couldn't, yeah, you would think that would I
don't know, it was it was reallybothered me that that you would
think that would be in my chartthat I can't it's just or a
little more awareness around it,but just nothing.
It was just, and I rememberasking Lindsay, like, why are
they?
And she said it's justprotocol, like the minute your
(41:24):
blood pressure is out of range,they have to.
If you do it for two visits ina row, that's what they're
trained to do.
Wow.
And my blood pressure was fine,turns out like when they
measure it at home, it just Igot so nervous just being back
in that hospital.
Angela (41:41):
Yeah, that's interesting how like the different
situations and environments thatwe put ourselves in can change
our blood pressure.
Right.
Oh boy, so awesome.
So, how are you doing once youshifted your care back into
yeah, planning for a home birth?
Natalie (41:59):
Good.
It felt really good to be backwith them again.
My friend Lindsay wasn't partof the group anymore, but I felt
like we had a really nicerelationship with Brenda, and
they had two newer midwives thathad joined the practice at the
time, who I really enjoyed.
Um, Brenda, we had traded andLindsay um food, our food with
(42:21):
the first time and the secondtime.
So I feel like we developed anice relationship with Brenda as
well, sort of in theintermediate years between Joni
and Raya.
And then sort of have mutualfriends.
Um, so I felt and I also Idon't know if this is correct,
but I got the sense that shewanted to help us have a redo.
(42:45):
So that was nice.
Um, so the care was great asusual.
I said no to a lot more too,even with them.
I think I just had learned withJoni, again, sort of talking
about that line of fear thatmore data was not good for me.
And so I just many visits wejust didn't do my blood
(43:07):
pressure, or I didn't do thediabetes screening, or I just
decided I was gonna just trust,which overall I did.
It was still, of course, hadits emotional ups and downs.
I was terrified of having arepeat experience, but I kept
sort of going back at it with anintention that I was gonna just
(43:31):
let it play out.
I still wasn't like a I stillwas like a fairly small pregnant
person.
Um I'm very active.
I think it was just a like goodset of abs from farming and
just holds everything in.
And so the measurements wereall really normal.
Um and the way I was trying toexplain it to people when they
(43:54):
comment is just like the babywas just like up as high as it
could be, like length, the babyjust got smooshed up and just
didn't go out, um, which wassort of odd because you know it
was super uncomfortable.
I was like full-on pregnant,but I didn't look like it.
Um and so that was um, yeah,everything was fine.
(44:15):
I was feeling her move a lotmore because Joni's placenta, I
think, would have been in thefront.
So that was a really differentsensation.
Um, I did take it a littleeasier on myself.
It was winter, um, the end ofthe pregnancy.
So we weren't farming.
Um, I still was walking everyday in the woods, um, you know,
(44:39):
I think relatively reallyactive, but I did sort of give
myself permission to be less uhstubborn.
And you can't do as I also hada two and a half year old or
three-year-old to take care of,so it's a whole different type
of pregnancy.
Angela (44:54):
Yeah, I bet the afternoon, like early bedtime
looked a little different.
Natalie (45:00):
Yeah, you're just like it's just not as easy when you
have another one to it's not asluxurious, I guess, is the word.
Angela (45:07):
Yeah, so how were things looking as you got closer to
your due date?
Natalie (45:13):
Everything was great.
I um they increased the visits.
We had talked about sort of myvision for the birth, and I had
been a little sort of resistantto the idea of the tub.
I just didn't feel like thatwould be a good fit.
Um, but we had a I have ahorse.
(45:34):
We have an old horse trough umthat was sort of equivalent to a
birth tub that the midwiveshave, and they lend those out.
And so we I think Kyle cleanedthat.
They gave me a liner, sort ofwe had that available, and they
give you a sheet of how toconnect your um bathroom so it's
(45:55):
clean and sterile.
And we hadn't done that.
We I was really like draggingmy feet about the tub.
Um, and I think I had Raya, shewas early.
Like I thought Joni was gonnabe right around 38 weeks, and we
got the tub ready the same dayshe was born, not knowing she
(46:16):
was gonna be born that day, butwe still have receipts from the
hardware store with the date ofKyle going and picking up the
right fittings to hook up thetub.
So that's kind of a funnylittle side note.
I had had what for me felt likethe first set of contractions
the night before, but verymellow and spaced apart, I was
(46:39):
able to sleep between.
Um, they had stopped in themorning, so I went for a walk.
I had stopped walking in thewoods because I think that week
for the first time I this isgonna sound a little crazy.
I was like, I would walk in thewoods every day with the dogs
on the snowmobile trails, prettyhilly.
And that week I had had to stopand sit down a couple times
(47:03):
because I thought I was gonnapass out, and so I thought like
maybe not a great idea to bewalking by myself in the woods
anymore.
Um, so I went for a walk downthe road, which is still two
miles with a very serious hill.
Um, and I took so long thatKyle called me because he was
(47:24):
worried.
Um, I said, no, I'm fine, it'sjust really slow.
And when I got back, thecontractions started up again.
Um, and I called the midwivesand they asked, you know, what
the right they were veryirregular.
It was like seven minutes,twenty minutes, four minutes,
seven minutes.
(47:44):
Um I said, oh, it's probablynothing, just early.
You know, it can be falselabor.
Call us if anything changes,and sort of we went about our
day.
I think I lounged a bit in thesun.
Um, Kyle went to the hardwarestore.
A friend stopped by, I thinkasked how I was doing.
Kyle just said, Oh, she justfeels weird today.
(48:04):
Um I think we picked up Joni.
She must have been at daycare.
And I remember we were givingher a bath upstairs.
And I was starting to have morepainful contractions, but they
were still really randomlyspaced.
I was trying to time them andit just was not regular at all.
And I remember asking Kyle,like, do you think I should
(48:27):
call?
I don't, I don't want to botherthem.
I don't want to make them come,but I don't know if I can.
They really prep you to havefalse labor.
And I just remember saying,like, I don't know if I can do
this for a week.
This is really uncomfortable.
Um, I was just like, I don'tthink I can keep this up.
This is it, it was gettingreally uncomfortable.
Um, but they tell you, theygive a whole handout about how
(48:50):
this false labor can go on forweeks.
Um he said, just call.
And so I called Brenda, and Ithink she happened to be in
Cornish.
Her son lives pretty close tous, and she was passing through,
and she popped over.
Um, I think did a quick exam.
And I remember her saying,Yeah, I'm gonna go home and just
(49:14):
get my stuff and then comeback.
And I said, Well, should I callmy parents?
They live two and a half hoursaway.
They were that was the plan.
They're gonna be here to watchJoni.
She said, Yeah, she's verymellow, like never an alarm
sound comes out of her body.
Yeah, you should call them.
Should they come tonight,tomorrow, tonight would be good.
(49:37):
Um, and I wanted Lindsay, myfriend Lindsay, to be there.
And she had told me if itwasn't a night she was at the
hospital, she would come.
And so I called Lindsay.
Brenda left, said she would beback.
Um, and I think in themeanwhile, my mucus plug came
(49:58):
out.
So I think I called themidwives again and I spoke to a
different one and said, youknow, I think Brenda was going
home and gonna come back.
She said, Yeah, Brenda was tooworried to go home.
She's just waiting in Cornish,she'll be back.
You know, she didn't, she lives15 minutes from here, and she
didn't even think she had timeto go home.
So I think she just went to geta snack or something at the
(50:19):
store, and she was back prettyquick.
And I think I tried to get inour tub, and I just really
wanted to be on my hands andknees.
And our tub just wasn't like Icouldn't be in the water.
Um, so I got out and Brendafound me at the top of our
stairs shortly after that.
And I remember saying I wasintending to get dressed, I just
(50:42):
haven't done it yet.
She said, I don't think that'simportant anymore.
Um, so she helped me get downour stairs.
We have really old house steep,steep stairs.
Um, and we moved up to theloft.
We have a finished space aboveour garage, and that was where
we planned to have the berth.
And I just remember being on myhands and knees that that felt
(51:05):
like intuitively orinstinctually, just that's all I
wanted to do.
Um Kyle was watching Joni.
Um, and I remember hearingBrenda in the background.
I had left it with Lindsay thatBrenda would call her when it
was time because I didn't wanther to have to spend hours and
hours here.
And I think Brenda called heralmost immediately and told her
(51:28):
she should come over.
Brenda kept trying to get Kyleto come up.
He was, she was asking me um ifthere was anyone who could
watch Joni.
And I remember telling her,call Michelle, who is a friend
of ours.
And it must have been, I thinkI had called Brenda originally
around 3 p.m.
and now it was five.
And Kyle called Michelle, andshe came from work and stayed
(51:50):
with Joni, so he was able tocome upstairs with me around
5:30 or 6.
Um, and Lindsay came aroundthat time as well.
Um, and they made a little likepillow shelf for me by we have
these big beautiful windows inour loft so that I could be on
my hands and knees, but sort ofrest between contractions.
(52:12):
And I remember Lindsay beingthere and just sort of talking
me through um all of it.
Um at some point she must haveasked or I asked if I could get
in the tub.
And they got the tub ready.
Um, again, I was just on myhands and knees.
My water broke in the tub,which was a bizarre.
(52:34):
It was like a torpedo.
I remember I didn't know whatit was.
It looked like a torpedo hadshot out of the um tub, and that
was what finished the dilation.
It went, I think, from likeseven to ten just with the water
breaking.
Um and then this was a wholenew experience from Joni.
(52:57):
I just had I had the sort offorceful ejection of
contractions.
It the way I describe it is Ifelt like my body just vomited
her out.
Um it was but I couldn't stopit.
It would have you know, I wouldhelp push at the end of each of
those sensations, but it was atotally reflex experience of my
(53:24):
body.
Um, and so she was born, Ithink around 7 p.m.
So it was a very short.
Uh didn't even keep themovernight.
I remember joking with Lindsay.
He didn't even give up to stayovernight with me.
Wow.
Oh my gosh, what a beautifulstory.
Yeah, just easy, justeverything that didn't happen
(53:46):
with Joni.
I got to do the second timearound.
Wow.
And it was that's still prettyquick.
Super fast.
I mean, I'm pretty sure Joniwould have been quick too.
I think I just was gonna bequick and the medication was way
too much.
So yeah, I didn't yeah, it wasjust very, very fast.
(54:09):
You know, in hindsight, I wasin labor all day, but I just
didn't really realize it.
So sort of from knowing tobirth was from 3 p.m.
to seven.
My parents showed up just intime.
Did they witness the birth?
No, I did not want them to, butthey were downstairs with Joni,
and Lindsay had brought herdaughter, Flora, and my friend
(54:29):
Michelle was able to leave.
Um, and my parents were reallynervous, you know, they had to
go through everything that I didwith Joni, and so I um I know
Lindsay went down to tell my dadthat I had had Raya, and I
think they were shocked with howfast, you know, I had called
them a couple hours earlier, andshe said he got pretty
(54:52):
emotional.
Angela (54:54):
So, how was your early postpartum, those first yeah, a
few days being home?
Natalie (55:02):
It was just so different.
I um and even in hindsight,everything about Raya was
different.
Again, just I, you know, hadthe reverse order happened, I
would have known more.
Um, you know, Joni, I couldn'tget her to nurse.
You know, in hindsight,something was wrong and we just
didn't know.
Raya came out sucking her ownthumb.
(55:24):
You had to pry it out of hermouth.
She just was, you know,healthy.
She was nothing had happened.
And so she, you know, I can'tsay breastfeeding early was
easy.
It, you know, I still struggledwith it, but it went the way it
should have gone.
I was able to do it.
(55:44):
She had a good sucking reflex.
Um, I remember spending thefirst night, I was just wide
awake, sort of like thatpost-birth, a little bit wired.
Um, Kyle passed out, Iremember, and Raya was just
asleep on me um in our bed,tucked in.
You know, Joni got to meet her,my parents got to meet her, and
(56:04):
then we just spent it was justsuch a different, peaceful, the
whole thing environment.
It's a whole vibe.
Yeah, yeah, it's amazing thedifference.
Angela (56:18):
So yeah, yeah.
Wow.
So how was your postpartum sortof after that, those next like
few weeks and months?
Natalie (56:27):
It was much better.
I had scheduled a meeting withthe psychologist sort of
preemptively, so I met with heronce or twice, but everything
was going um great.
Uh it was just so much easier.
I mean, I think the second one,anyway, you just you just know
more, you're more relaxed.
(56:48):
Um, this was just a much betterexperience.
I mean, it had its ups anddowns as just having a baby is.
Um and I think even Kyle and Idon't we don't remember feeling
as tired with Raya.
And I don't know if that was wewere better prepared or just
lacked that sort of emotionaldisturbing aspect that we had
(57:13):
had with Joni is we just sort offelt like almost superhuman,
like wow, we're just not thattired, even with a um a baby.
Uh and yeah, just so much moreeverything was scary with Joni,
you know, it was just new havinga baby, and then everything
that happened with her.
(57:34):
Um, so this time around reallyfelt like the way it was
supposed to feel the first time.
Angela (57:42):
As a final question, if you were to give advice to
someone who's expecting or evenother new parents, what's one of
the biggest things that you'dwant to share at this point in
your journey?
Natalie (57:56):
Yeah, I think it's interesting that you mentioned
you're doing some learning aboutthat line of fear.
Um and I think it's not so muchadvice, but just understanding
that that's such a real part ofthe whole process of uh
pregnancy, labor, delivery, andreally trying to find that sense
(58:20):
of trust in yourself.
And it doesn't mean thateverything's gonna go perfectly,
but I think it takes um if youcan find that in yourself, it
makes it all a lot easier.
And even with Raya, I rememberKyle and I had a very clear
discussion that if we're goingwith this home birth route the
(58:43):
second time, you know, there's alevel of risk associated with
that, and we both just decidedthat we were okay with that,
that that was the decision wewere making, and it was a really
intentional decision to, youknow, sort of allow preemptive
forgiveness if something badhappened.
(59:05):
That's the decision we'remaking.
And so that's what I felt likeI lacked the first time, but I
learned a lot.
Angela (59:13):
Huh, yeah, that's so important.
Just tuning into the, you know,what is the difference between
intuition and fear?
And risk looks different toeverybody, you know.
Like it's some people thinkgoing to the hospital is
incredibly risky, and somepeople think that it's the
safest place.
And really, like at the end ofthe day, there's no one size
(59:34):
fits all for birth.
There's no thing that justworks for everybody, and you
just, you know, learn all of theoptions and choose what's right
for you, you know.
Yeah.
Well, thank you so much,Natalie, for taking the time to
chat with me today and shareyour two incredible birth
stories.
Thank you.
Before you go, I just want toremind you, I have a ton of
(59:59):
resources.
For pregnancy and birth.
If you're pregnant, whetheryou're a first-time mom or if
this is your fifth baby, I wantyou to check out the show notes
because I have some freetrainings and free downloads
that you can sign up for, aswell as the link to access My
Labor of Love, a comprehensive,self-paced online childbirth
education course.
(01:00:19):
I created this coursespecifically for moms who don't
want to be told what to do,regardless of where you're
birthing or who you're birthingwith.
And I'd honestly love to teachyou everything that I know so
that you can prepare for anautonomous birth experience and
prepare to step into your roleas the leader of your birth
journey.
So click to the show notes,check out all of those links,
(01:00:42):
and if you ever have anyquestions, feel free to DM me at
my mainbirth over on Instagram.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
The Bobby Bones Show
Listen to 'The Bobby Bones Show' by downloading the daily full replay.