141. MyMaine Birth: How We Birth Matters - Part One - Alannah's First Three Pregnancy and Birth Stories - MyMaine Birth

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Alannah (00:00):
Yeah, I mean it's like you don't realize how how deep
it really affects you untilyou're on the other side of it
and then you're like, whoa,okay.
I mean, in the moment it waslike, so he came in, um, because
he was the doctor um who was onshift that night, and
obviously, like other peoplecame in, and immediately he's

(00:23):
like at the foot of my bed.
And mind you, like, I'm not inpain.
I'm not like I was fine, exceptfor I was being told I wasn't
fine because I was bleeding.
Obviously, that's not what youwant.
Um, my baby was on my chest, myhusband was on my right,
everybody was it was suddenly aproblem.
And so right out of the gate,like he wants, or like I there

(00:49):
was like an interaction with mymidwife of like trying.
I think I had been in theprocess of trying to get him to
latch for the first time andlike have have a feeding
afterbirth.
And I think she still wanted meto do that, even though all of
that was going on.
And he was like, nope, we'renot doing that.
Um he he had my husband takethe baby, um, which immediately

(01:18):
that was like turning point setme off because, like, no, like,
don't take my baby.
Like, of course, it was myhusband, so like thankfully it
was him, but like I wasn't readyfor that.
Like, I did not like underduress want to be handing over
my baby who was then crying.

(01:40):
Um, and so then I'm crying andI'm super upset.
And I remember him going, Whyare you crying?
And of course, like, I'm notanswering, like, I and then he
he like basically my choice wasmy husband could stay with me
and someone could take the babyaway, or my husband could take

(02:04):
the baby and leave the room.
And so I didn't want our babygoing with a stranger.
Um, so my husband took him andand I literally just cried and
cried and just I said out loudover and over, I just want to
hold my baby.

(02:24):
And and I didn't know where theywent.
I didn't know when they weregonna come back or what was
gonna happen to me.
I heard my midwife saysomething about an operating
room.
Um, and like I literally justlike everything was happening
around me, and I was just layingon this bed, like with my legs
spread open, and this man whowas kind of being an asshole,

(02:45):
like at the foot of my bed, whojust sent my husband and my baby
away.
And I'm just crying out for him,and no one acknowledged me at
all.
Um, and really finally, the onlyperson that did acknowledge me
was um, I mean, they hadanesthesia come in um because it

(03:06):
had the epidural, and theywanted that um ramped back up
all the way.
Cause I remember like Dr.
Tardith did something and ithurt, obviously.
It just like pushed a human outof my body, so it was pretty
sensitive.
So um, so like the anesthesiaand like their assistant or

(03:26):
whatever, like they came in theroom, and um so I know that they
I'm pretty sure like fentanyllike ramped that back up, and I
really don't even know.
They gave me some cocktailwhere like I was there, like I
wasn't asleep, I wasn't, youknow, whatever, but it's like I
stopped fighting back, like Ijust laid there.

(03:49):
Um, and like I could hear, Icould see, like um the the um
anesthesia assistant or whoevershe was, I don't know.
She wasn't like the mainanesthesia person, but like she
was to my right.
Um, and she says something tome, like, I don't know, I think
trying to be supportive orwhatever, I don't remember at

(04:10):
this point, but she wasliterally the only one to
acknowledge that I was there andlike this was happening to me,
and like yeah, so I had nobodyexplaining anything to me.
I had and I remember saying thedoctor like the so got the
placenta out, which he reachedin for, and I remember him being

(04:32):
like, it was right there.
I'm like, I'm great, like soyeah, so it was really just like
I wanted my baby, and nobodygave him to me, and um, and I
genuinely feel like like thehemorrhage was not the traumatic

(04:55):
part to me at all.
Like, obviously, that's scary,and I wouldn't want that, but
that was not the trauma.
The trauma was Dr.
Tardiff and the way that hebehaved and the way that he
talked to me, and uh my babybeing gone into another room,
which also so my husband leavinghis wife, who's hemorrhaging

(05:20):
after the birth of our firstbaby, he's holding our son for
the first time, like in thatsituation.
It wasn't like this peaceful,like, here's our baby, you know.
Like, I handing him to himbecause I apparently have to.
He doesn't know what'shappening, and I don't know
what's happening, and I hand himour baby, and he has to leave,

(05:42):
and so he doesn't that's it,like he's out of the room and he
has no idea what's going onwith me.
And so he went to the roomacross the hall, and not a
single nurse went with him.
There were the nurses state,like it's a small unit, and the
nurses station is like rightthere, and not one of them went

(06:03):
to go see him.
No one from my room likeescorted him or stayed with,
like, he was literally this newdad with his new baby with his
wife, like heavily bleeding inthe next room, and he's just
standing there alone with ourbaby, and like it's really
disturbing, honestly.

(06:23):
Like, it's really disturbing,and um, and then it's like
thinking that I was just druggedlaying there while this all
happened to me, and and I feltlike it was like, okay, well,
like now I'm quiet.
I'm not gonna not gonna cause ascene anymore.

(06:46):
I'm not gonna cry out for mybaby.
I'm just laying here and likeand then next thing I know, like
it's all calm again, and myhusband's coming back in with
our baby, and that was prettymuch that.
And like, no skin off anyoneelse's back, you know.

Angela (07:04):
I'm Angela, and I'm a certified birth photographer,
experienced duela, childbirtheducator, and your host here on
the My Main Birth podcast.
This is a space where we sharethe real life stories of
families and their unique birthexperiences in the beautiful
state of Maine.
From our state's biggesthospitals, the birth center
births, and home births.

(07:26):
Every birth story deserves tobe heard and celebrated.
Whether you're a seed-to-bemom, a seasoned mother, or
simply interested in the worldof birth, these episodes are for
you.
Welcome back.
You're listening to the finalepisodes of season three.
This is episode 141 of My MainBirth.

(07:49):
Over the next few episodes, Iam so excited to have Alana here
to share all about her fourpregnancy stories and five birth
stories.
Many of you already know Alana.
She is a fellow birthphotographer here in Maine.
You can find her on Instagramor Facebook over at Birthbody
Photography.

(08:09):
In this episode, which is partone of her story, we talk about
Alana's first three pregnanciesand birth experiences and her
natural evolution ofconsciousness around birth.
And definitely don't miss parttwo in the next episode where
Alana tells the story of hertwin pregnancy and births.
Alright, hi Alana.

(08:30):
Welcome to My Main Birth.

Alannah (08:33):
Hi.

Angela (08:34):
How are you?

Alannah (08:36):
I'm good.
How are you?

Angela (08:38):
Good.
Thank you so much for takingthe time to chat with me today.
I'm really looking forward tohearing you tell your stories.

Alannah (08:45):
Thank you.
I'm so glad that you invited meon.
I'm looking forward to chattingabout everything.
Great.
Yeah.

Angela (08:54):
Well, to get started, would you share a little bit
about you and your family?

Alannah (08:59):
Yeah, sure.
So, Alana, of course, and I ama stay-at-home mom, which I have
been for almost nine years now.
My oldest is gonna be nine nextmonth.
I'm also a birth photographer,birth body photography.
I'll give myself a little shoutout if anybody's ever seen my

(09:21):
stuff.
And yeah, I've been, my husbandand I have been together for
almost 15 years, and we havefive kids now, and he also works
for himself.
He owns Finn property services.
So he, I'm gonna shout him outtoo.
Um, so yeah, so we both, weboth just kind of do our do our

(09:45):
own thing and we homeschool.
So we have our oldest who isalmost nine, and then we have
who our oldest boy, and then wehave another boy who is six,
another boy who's gonna be fivein a couple weeks, and then our
eight-month-old twins, boy girltwins.
So yeah, it's a full house.

(10:05):
And we are just, yeah, that'sthat's kind of our little our
little rundown.
Yeah.

Angela (10:12):
Yeah.
So to jump into your birthstories now, will you start by
sharing about how you found outyou're pregnant for the first
time and what your thoughts werethen in choosing your care?

Alannah (10:24):
Yeah.
So the first time that I foundout, I mean, I got pregnant
right away, and I kind of justfelt like I was gonna be
pregnant.
Like, I don't know, it was likewait that wait period before
you take the test.
I was like, I kind of thinkit's gonna be like I just had
this feeling, and then um I wasI snuck off and I bought

(10:47):
pregnancy tests without myhusband knowing because I wanted
it to be a surprise.
And I took one and it waspositive right out of the gate.
And I took it while he was atwork, and then I just paced
around our kitchen going, oh mygod, oh my god, oh my god, oh my
god, for a few minutes, cried alittle bit and was just like,

(11:08):
okay, like you know, it waspretty wild.
And then a couple days later Itold him, I don't know why I
waited so long.
I was just like, I couldn'teven, it was just it hope we
were hopeful that that was gonnabe the case, but it was still
just like, whoa.
Um and yeah, so we were just wewere both really excited, and

(11:28):
and honestly, like, I mean, thiswas we were we were so young
back then.
Um, and I was the first kind ofin my generation in my family
to have a baby.
And so I kind of felt like Ididn't have a lot of there
weren't people around me.
Like I was the first friend tohave a baby, like there's I just

(11:50):
didn't have like a lot of thathappening around me.
And so I really ended up likehome birth was never in my
vocabulary.
I didn't know anyone who hadhad one.
I had like that, just I don'tknow, wasn't wasn't a thing for
me.
Giant regret.
Um, but I just ended up goingto the hospital where my
insurance was from, which at thetime was St.

(12:13):
Mary's in Lewiston.
They're closed now, as youknow, I'm sure.
And that was kind of it.
Like I chose, I did want tohave a midwife.
She obviously was a hospitalmidwife.
I didn't want to have an OB,and that was just kind of that
was just kind of it.
And I have a lot of feelingsaround that, but but yeah, so
that was just kind of like wherewe started.

Angela (12:35):
Yeah.
So how was that pregnancylooking for you?
Like as things progressed?

Alannah (12:40):
Yeah, it was um actually really simple.
I had a couple weeks of feelingpretty gross um in the first
trimester.
But then once I hit the secondtrimester, third trimester, I
was feeling really good.
There were no likecomplications, baby was good, I
was good.
Um, I got like achy at the end,but overall it was just a

(13:03):
really simple, I loved it.
I really loved it.
And um, and then going into mysecond pregnancy, it was like a
really rude awakening becausethey got like increasingly
difficult with each one.
So, so I enjoyed that first onea lot.
And it was really cool.
I I I really enjoyed it.
I really did.

Angela (13:24):
Yeah.
So when you say you had a lotof mixed feelings about like
that one, was that like kind ofin hindsight?
Like, how were you like withyour appointments and stuff as
you were going through thatpregnancy?

Alannah (13:34):
Yeah, so I think I think I just was really naive
and I just didn't know better.
I didn't know different.
I didn't really realize thatthere was so there was just such
this huge variety of optionsfor support, for care, for where
you could give birth, who youcould give birth with, like all

(13:56):
of that was such, it was like asuper foreign sort of thing for
me.
Like I said, like none of myfriends were having babies.
Like obviously, you know, if ifany of the women in my family
had had home births, like thatmight have been like a oh,
interesting.
I wonder what that's all about.
But all hospital births, likeall down the line that I know

(14:17):
of.
And yeah, so it was sort oflike I felt like by having a
midwife and and yeah, just kindof just choosing that rather
than like a doctor.
And you know, and I kind of hadthis vision of wanting to have
like an unmedicated birth andyou know, all of that, that I

(14:38):
was like doing it different thansort of like everybody that I
knew.
And like that felt good, and Ifelt like confident, but also
you don't have any idea whenit's your first go-around, like
what confidence in what?
Like, I don't know.
I had no idea what was gonnaany any of it.

(14:59):
So I just really like I felt Ifelt good with my midwife.
There was definitely like achunk of time during my
pregnancy where where I didn'tsee her for one reason or
another, like a few appointmentsin a row, um, because she, I
don't know, like was sick orended up having to, whatever,
and like schedules didn't lineup or whatever have you.

(15:21):
Um and because actually, likeall of the other midwives um at
the hospital, they would youwould see all of them, which is
pretty typical.
You see everybody.
Um, but this midwife, she wouldjust see her own people.
And I really I really likedthat.
So that meant a lot.
And so then when I had thischunk of time where I wasn't

(15:44):
seeing her, I was like, um, whatis going on?
I started kind of freaking outa little bit where I was like,
she's like out of the loop.
Like, is she like, am I gonnasee her again?
Is she gonna like what's goingon?
Like, I even considered likenot having her be my midwife
because I was like, oh my God,like what, you know, but it just

(16:05):
kind of ended up like I didn'tdo that.
I kept her as my midwife and Imet a couple of the other ones,
um, which was fine and they werenice.
I didn't have like a problemwith them.
I just really kind of likewanted my one person.
Which, like, again, hindsight,I'm like, of course I did, duh.
Like, that feels good.
Um, and yeah, so like I didn'thave any major, major issues or

(16:32):
you know, I just kind of waslike rolling with it.
There were, there weren't likecomplications.
So it just like there wasn't awhole lot to really like talk
about.
It was just sort of thesegeneral, like, I'm good, baby's
good, like just keep rocking androlling, growing the baby and
doing my thing.
And it was relativelyuneventful, which is a good
thing.
I take that as a good thing.

Angela (16:52):
Yeah, definitely.
And and like you said, it isit's so hard in your first
pregnancy, like to know really,because you don't know, you've
never been through it before.

Alannah (17:00):
Yeah.
And then especially to not havelike a like a community around
me at that time who was kind ofin that as far as like having
babies or even even just in thelast like few years, but no, it
was just like I was I was kindof the first.
Um, so it was like I didn'thave all of these other like

(17:23):
experiences and like this wisdomfrom other people in my life.
Um, I mean, my mom was verymuch like um, like she had she
had a vaginal birth with me, andthen she had a c-section with
my brother, and she is like, shewas all for like, I loved my

(17:44):
c-section, I loved schedulingit, I love knowing exactly when
it was gonna be.
It was so much better.
It was a blah blah blah.
Like, I would choose that overand over, and she would like
shout that from the rooftops.
And so, like, that was kind ofwhat I had, and I knew I
definitely didn't want that.
Um, that was not gonna be itfor me.
But other than that, like Ididn't have any, there was no

(18:09):
sort of other influence in mylife, really, in any way.
So, so that was a littleinteresting, but but yeah, so
that was sort of the start of itall, I guess.

Angela (18:20):
Yeah, that's that is definitely hard.
And so your mom had a vaginalbirth with you and a C-section
with your brother.
Was he breach or was that Ithink he was breach.

Alannah (18:30):
I'm honestly not 100% sure.
Um, I don't like it's just it'snever been something that like
we like my family is not likewe're gonna talk about birth and
we're gonna talk aboutbreastfeeding and we're gonna,
you know, that was like thatwas, I don't know, not my mom
never really spoke fondly ofgiving birth.
Uh my birth was apparently justlike awful and terrible and

(18:53):
miserable.
And um, you know, so it waslike I didn't have these like
these good stories of birth.
It was gonna be terrible, youknow.
Um, but I very much was like,no, it's not.
Um, it's gonna be fine.
Yeah, you had that intuitionstill, like Yeah, like this can
be different for me.
Like, just because that was foryou doesn't mean that's gonna

(19:14):
be for me.
But um, but yeah, I do thinkthat my brother was breach.
I'm not 100% on that.
Um, but I'm I'm pretty surethat was the situation.
So yeah.

Angela (19:26):
So what were the final weeks and then days leading up
to when your labor startedlooking like for you?
And yeah, how was your birth?

Alannah (19:34):
I honestly had no, I had no nothing that I noticed as
far as potential labor signs.
I went to an appointment withmy midwife at um, I was 40 weeks
in one day, and we did a check,and I like there was not

(19:59):
anything crazy going on.
On, you know, whatever.
But I ended up doing thatbecause she told me at that
appointment that I don'tremember what day at this point,
but um, she was going to begoing away for like three days
or something like that, likemaybe even out of state.
I don't know.
She wasn't gonna be nearby, shewas not gonna be available.
And so if I had my baby, mindyou, I'm 40 plus one at this

(20:23):
point.
If I had my baby on like thisday, this day, or this day, she
wasn't gonna be there.
And I had no idea until thatday that that was a thing.
And so I was immediately like,um, well, I want you there.
That was kind of the point, youknow?
Um, so and I had talked to afamily member of mine.

(20:45):
She actually worked in laborand delivery at St.
Mary's, and we're just liketalking about like labor and
wanting to have my baby and allof that stuff.
And she brought up like thather friend at one point when she
was having her baby had amembrane sweep.
And I was like, I don't evenknow what that is, I've never

(21:07):
heard of that.
Um, and she was like, Well,it's this, and like she ended up
going into labor and having herbaby like within whatever, you
know, with within 12 hours or Idon't know, a day, something.
And I was like, Oh, okay, likegood to know.
So I kind of went into myappointment with that in the
back of my head, too, that likethis exists.

(21:29):
And it felt like at the timethat that wasn't really an
induction, when like kind of nowI'm like, well, yeah, actually,
kind of it is, but um, butyeah, so I ended up when I found
out that my midwife was gonnabe gone, like in you know, a few
days for a few days, and thatthere was really that risk of
her not being there after, like,I wanted so badly to have that

(21:52):
care from just her, and I hadthat little bit of time where I
was like, oh no, she's not gonnabe here.
And then um, like for thoseappointments, and then like kind
of came back around and I waslike, no, it's fine, we're good,
it's good.
Um, and then you know, I'mgonna give birth at any moment.
And she's like, Oh, actually,I'm gonna be gone.
So I was like, Oh, that's aproblem.

(22:13):
And I wanted her to be there,and so I I brought up a membrane
sweep to her, and I was like,So, like, what's that all about?
Like, what do you think?
Maybe we could do that.
She's like, Yeah, we could dothat.
Like, I didn't really, wedidn't like talk super in-depth
about it.
It was just kind of like, yeah,like this might do something or

(22:36):
it might not, and like that'skind of it.
And so we went for it.
And what I didn't realize isthat like that can kind of like
kick start contractions that arenot really necessarily
productive, that like my bodywasn't necessarily ready for.
I didn't know that.
So, so that kind of stinks.
Obviously, like I said, learnedso much more later on.

(22:58):
But yeah, so we did do themembrane sweep.
I was noticing some potentiallabors, like lost my mucus plug
that evening.
Like, I don't know, thesethings that which doesn't
necessarily mean anything,right?
But then and I didn't have anyBraxton Hicks like at all in my
first pregnancy.
And so, like, you know, alittle while before bed, I was

(23:20):
noticing like my belly wastightening.
And I was like, oh, weird.
Didn't really like, oh, thatthose are, oh, oh, oh, okay.
You know, it was kind of likefiguring out that, oh, that's
what that is.
Like, these are probablycontractions, you know, but they
didn't really feel like much atthe time.
Um, so like I went to bed andwhatever.

(23:41):
And then I got up, I don'tknow, it was early morning,
maybe like one or something.
I could not sleep, superuncomfortable.
And yeah, we were like 45minutes from the hospital at the
time.
And so, like, and also I waspositive for groupie strep.
So, you know, there was likethat, oh, we gotta get here so

(24:02):
we can make sure we go with theantibiotics and the whatever.
So I ended up, I went in andbecause like I was throwing up,
like it was like this wholething, and we also found out
when labor was kind of startingto become really uncomfortable
that the drain in our bathtubdidn't work.
So I like we're trying to fillup the tub and like we're trying

(24:25):
to stuff the drain withsomething, and like I'm throwing
up, and it was like, oh my god.
Um, and yeah, so of course,like these things, I'm like, oh,
like maybe we're kind ofgetting somewhere here.
Oh, okay.
Not really, not we weren'treally getting anywhere.
That it just felt like that tome.
But um, but yeah, so we endedup going to the hospital.

(24:48):
It was probably like three-ishin the morning, maybe.
And I was like threecentimeters and just in kind of
misery.
And that that was pretty muchthat.
That was that was that was howthat started when we when yeah,
I got got that news that we ummight not have my midwife there,
and I was like, I don't likethat.

(25:09):
So we kind of like tried to getthe ball rolling, and the ball,
the ball rolled.

Angela (25:16):
So was she there when you got there?
Were you still like two daysbefore her vacation at this
point?

Alannah (25:22):
Yeah, so she hadn't left.
She had not left yet, and Iactually like because like I
said, I had that family memberworking, um, and she worked
overnight.
So like I was like, it was 1a.m.
or whatever time, and I waslike texting her and talking to
her, but like I had my midwife'sphone number, like her cell
phone number, and I never at anypoint was like, I need to call

(25:44):
her directly.
So I don't know, I don't knowwhy.
Um, so it wasn't even until Igot there, I think, or maybe
they knew that I was on my wayor whatever, and they told her
that I was coming.
So she was not there when I gotthere.
She got there, I don't think itwas too long after, though.
So I was still um like in theearly-ish time frame.

(26:09):
I wasn't, you know, about topush my baby out and she rolled
in.
So she was there.
Um, she didn't leave.
So that was good.
But yeah, honestly, like myfirst birth was super traumatic.
It was super, like I stillactually I'm trying to think.
I don't know if it was lastyear or the year before was like

(26:31):
the first time that I didn'tcry on my son's birthday, and
he's gonna be nine.
So, like, even now I'm like,I'm gonna cry talking about it.
Um yeah, so so like it, like I,I, I had written out a birth
plan.
Like I didn't, I didn't want tohave um pain meds, I didn't

(26:52):
want to do any of that.
I want to try to just kind ofrock and roll on my own, have my
husband there with me.
And yeah, and I like I wassuper, you know, you've never
done it before, so you have noidea what it's gonna feel like,
what to expect, like all ofthat.
So um, so it was really intensefor me.
Like I had no idea that thatwas gonna be what it was like,

(27:13):
you know?
So, so yeah, so it's like I hadsubmitted this birth plan, was
like, I don't want you to offerme meds unless, like, if I ask
you, that's one thing, but Idon't want to be offered, like
all this stuff, blah, blah,blah.
I had given it to my midwifelike weeks earlier.
So I knew that it was like ahard copy in my folder on the
unit.
And I don't think that theyever pulled it out.

(27:36):
And I and I got there and itwas like a slow night.
It wasn't like this crazy nighton this little unit.
It was relatively chill therethat evening uh or that morning,
I guess, at that point.
But yeah, I don't think anybodypulled out my birth plan
because whatever nurse wasthere, I don't think I had been
there all too long.
And and I was in the tub, andmy midwife hadn't gotten there

(27:58):
yet.
And um, my husband was with me,and we're just, you know, doing
doing the thing.
And she was like, and shebrought up, um, she told me that
they have new bane.
So the IV medication.
So because I already had the IVin my hand because of the
antibiotics for the group Bstrep.
So I already had that going.

(28:18):
And she was like, you know, wehave we have newbane, we just
like put it through the IV andlike it's blah, blah, blah.
And so, like, immediately rightout of the gate, like violated
my plans, didn't want that, didnot want to have that like
dangled in front of me, that Iwas like super miserable.
And so I ended up being like,okay, let's do that.
Um, and then I just felt drunkand I don't like to drink, so

(28:42):
that was not fun for me.
I didn't like the way that Ifelt, but it was like, but it
did give me like it, I didrelax.
I might, I think I even kind oflike dozed off a little bit.
My midwife like showed upduring all of this and stuff,
and she had like the shower likegoing on my belly while I was
just like laying in the tub, andI was just kind of like in and

(29:05):
out and whatever, but it wasjust like this weird sort of
like kind of woozy, funky sortof a feeling, and then kind of
eased up on that and stoppedusing that for a little while,
and things just keptprogressing, kept going.
And I looking back now, Ifought every contraction, every

(29:26):
single one.
I fought it.
I was tense, I like didn't wantit there, I wanted it to go
away, which of course, but Idon't know.
I feel like after you've maybegiven birth a couple of times,
you're like, no, I welcome thisbecause the only way out is
through.
So um, so there was none, I hadnone of that.
I was like, this sucks.
I hate this.

(29:47):
I am in pain.
I was tense, I was tight, I wasclenching, I was fighting,
which only makes it worse.
So um, so yeah, so that wasreally hard for me.
And then I ended up, like mymidwife was like, You're doing
really great, like you actuallyare.
And I was like, I'm not, Idon't think I hated it.

(30:07):
And I got an epidural, and Iwent back and forth on that a
lot, and I really that was likeI didn't want that.
I didn't want an epidural, butthen labor like rocked my world
in a way that I was not preparedfor, and um yeah, so like they
she she checked me to kind oflike you know see what was going

(30:29):
on.
I was six centimeters, so it'skind of like okay, like uh still
have a ways to go, but likewe're kind of over the hump, but
I don't know.
And I was just like I said, Iwas in misery.
So I regrettably decided to getan epidural, and um, and then I
just like chilled, got it offkind of.

(30:50):
I had I I definitely feltdisappointment in myself, which
I think came way more after thefact for sure for me.
Um, but yeah, and then the restof labor was pretty uneventful.
I just hung out, maybe dozedoff a little bit, chatted,
whatever.

(31:10):
Um, and then you know, I waslike feeling pressury and that
sort of thing.
So it's like, oh, okay, like wegot to a point where where
things were maybe nearing theend, and and yeah, and I like on
my back, pushed on my back.
We had like we broke out likethe like the bar to hold on to.

(31:32):
Um, and they even tiedsomething to that at one point,
so I could do like a tug-of-warkind of a thing, and then it was
like hold behind your legs andkind of like pull or whatever,
and that stuff all justexhausted me.
It just felt like a milliontimes harder to have to also be
like using my muscles here,using my muscles there, doing

(31:53):
all of that stuff.
And I I think I was pushing, Ithink I pushed for like an hour,
which you know, of course, likeyou're a first-time mom.
So, like, that's not abnormal,whatever.
Um, and I had no concept oftime in the moment, obviously.
But yeah, and I remember likeat one point, it was like
between contractions and like myfeet are up in the stirrups,
which I kind of like hated, evenin the moment where I was like,

(32:16):
oh, I don't, uh I don't likethat.
And my midwife, like she hadbeen at the foot of the bed, um,
but it was in betweencontractions, like wasn't really
doing anything at the moment,and she like walked away.
And I just remember this likemoment, like she just walked
like near the bed, like justaway from where she had been at
the foot of the bed.
And and like I remember justhaving this moment of like it

(32:41):
just flew through me of likethis, I don't like this at all.
Like, cause she walked away.
So anything blocking me wasgone, and I'm facing the door,
and you know, they might havehad that sheet pulled or
whatever, I don't know.
But still, like, so if I knewlike in that moment, like if
anybody walks in, like there isnothing covering me, like I'm

(33:06):
just fully exposed to the roomright now, and I'm just chilling
here.
Like, and there was this reallybrief, quick, because you know,
then another contraction cameon, and then it was like back to
that, but it was like, uh, Idon't like that.
So that was reallyuncomfortable.
Um, and the epidural didn'tfully numb me.

(33:27):
I did have like some feeling.
I was able to push, like Iwasn't a complete, like limp
noodle.
I was glad for that.
Um, but that also meant that II remember feeling too like when
I'm pushing, like I could feelmy midwife like pulling down

(33:47):
like on my perine, you know whatI mean?
Like with her finger doing thatsort of swoop back and forth
thing.
And I remember being like, Iwas surprised by that because I
had a midwife.
I had a midwife, not an OB.
I had a midwife.
So I was like, whoa.
Um, and that was not somethingthat she had talked about
during, you know, I had talkedto her about like, hey, if I'm

(34:09):
like in water or if I'mwhatever, like, would you hold
like a warm cloth to me to likehelp?
Cause I really didn't want totear like that concept, like
while I knew that it was normal,just like kind of just kind of
freaked me out, like in like aheebie-jeeby way.
I don't know.
Um, and so like we had talkedabout that, like a warm
compress, like that sort of athing, but never, like I never

(34:33):
was expecting like the pullingand the whatever.
And and I remember being like,oh, okay, so like I'm really
doing this, and like this ishappening, and like I've seen
this happen.
Like I had watched birthvideos, like all of this.
That was something that I hadseen.
And so, like, while I knew thatlike that happened, I didn't

(34:54):
give it a ton of thoughtbeforehand, but then while it
was happening, it was like, oh,okay, so like this is what
happens.
This is like, and now I'm doingthis, and like I don't know, it
was just this sort of weird,like I don't know, it was it was
we it was weird, it was a weirdfeeling, and and like I didn't

(35:14):
expect it, and she didn't ask,also.
And so, but it wasn't somethingwhere like in the moment I was
I wasn't questioning like thenormalcy because I knew that it
was normal, but it being normaldoesn't make it fine.
So that was like in the moment,I'm obviously not like having
these fully coherent thoughtprocesses because I'm like

(35:36):
pushing out my baby, you know?
So for me, that I was not likeit was like I was connected to
like what was happening, but Iwas not fully able to like have
this full thought process, likewalking myself through like this
is what okay, and this is what,but oh, this is normal, but
like that doesn't make it fine,and I don't want that, or like

(35:58):
whatever.
Like there was not, I could notdo that right then, no way.
And honestly, like if you cando that, like props, I don't
know.
Like, but I was not like thatwas not a thing for me.
So I remember that and beinglike, Oh, oh, I don't like that.
I don't, this is oh okay, thisis happening, and okay, so
that's okay, you know, like itwas sort of weird, and then

(36:21):
yeah, I don't know.
I I kind of wonder now, likelooking back, I never knew
really to think to ask aboutlike the baby's station.
I just knew that I was 10centimeters dilated.
She ended up, she she broke mywater.
There was some meconium in it,and like so I immediately was
like, is he okay?
She was like, Yeah, like hesounds fine, like everything is
okay, like whatever.
But then, so so yeah, so likeI'm pushing and like okay,

(36:46):
whatever, but like an hour, butalso I'm on my back, you know.
So I'm like, oh, like I wonderlooking back if maybe he was not
like engaged all the way, andthat might have been part of why
it took so long, which I knowagain, like sometimes it just
does take a while to push out ababy, but um looking back at my
the four other times I pushed ababy out of my body, like it

(37:09):
didn't take that long.
And it probably wouldn't haveif, you know, like I said,
looking back, if I was like,well, what station is he?
You know, and maybe we shouldwait or whatever.
I don't know that I likelabored down as much as I could
have.
Yeah, yeah.
So so yeah, so pushed him out.

(37:30):
Everything was cool.
I felt so bloated.
I remember just feeling likepuffy, and you know, they're
pumping me full of I don't evenknow, a whole concoction of
things.
And I just remember feelinglike puffy and just like, but he
was out and he was crying, hewas healthy, like everything was
fine.
And then yeah, it was just meand my husband there, like, and

(37:52):
then obviously like the nursesand whatever, but it wasn't like
this crazy, like whatever.
It was relatively fine fromwhat I remember, and it was fine
right up until it wasn't fine.
And then I started to bleed toomuch.

Angela (38:09):
So did your placenta come out at this point?

Alannah (38:12):
No, so it had been about 30 minutes, and I remember
my midwife being like, okay,like it's been 30 minutes.
I'm not seeing your placentareally doing anything here, it's
not it's not coming out.
So, and I don't know whathappened.
I don't like so I so I startedto bleed um too much, and um,

(38:33):
and I don't know why.
And I get we don't always knowwhy, but like I have no idea if
my midwife pulled on my cord atall.
I have no idea, like, I don'tknow about any of that, like
logistically.
So, for all I know, somethingactually may have sort of like
helped that situation along, um,obviously in a terrible way,

(38:55):
but I don't know.
So I started to bleed.
So my midwife was like, yeah,so you're bleeding a lot.
And she got the doctor, and andI'm gonna, I have never said
his name out loud to anyoneexcept for the people who are
close to me, but RichardTardiff.
So if anybody else out there,if you have had a very

(39:18):
traumatizing experience withhim, I just want to shout you
out and say, I'm so sorry, andyou're not alone.
Um, because this guy really,really, I don't just effed up my
life, honestly.
I haven't even like I didn'texpect to cry.

Angela (39:39):
Oh, it's okay.
I'm I'm like literally feelinggoosebumps now hearing you
explain this.
And uh I had a very traumaticbirth with my first and I he's
20 now and I cry on his birthdaystill.

Alannah (39:50):
So Yeah, I mean it's like you don't realize how how
deep it really affects you untilyou're on the other side of it.
And then you're like, whoa,okay.
I mean, in the moment, it waslike, so he came in, um, because
he was the doctor um who was onshift that night.
And obviously, like otherpeople came in, and immediately

(40:13):
he's like, at the foot of mybed.
And mind you, like, I'm not inpain.
I'm not like I was fine, exceptfor I was being told I wasn't
fine because I was bleeding.
Obviously, that's not what youwant.
Um, my baby was on my chest, myhusband was on my right,
everybody was it was suddenly aproblem.
And so right out of the gate,like he wants, or like, I there

(40:40):
was like an interaction with mymidwife, uh like trying.
I think I have been in theprocess of trying to get him to
latch for the first time andlike have have a feeding after
birth.
And I think she still wanted meto do that, even though all of
that was going on.
And he was like, Nope, we'renot doing that.
Um he he had my husband take thebaby, um, which immediately

(41:09):
that was like turning point setme off.
Because, like, no, like, don'ttake my baby.
Like, of course, it was myhusband, so like thankfully it
was him, but like I wasn't readyfor that.
Like, I did not like underduress want to be handing over
my baby, who was then crying.

(41:31):
Um, and so then I'm crying andI'm super upset.
And I remember him going, Whyare you crying?
And of course, like, I'm notanswering, like, I and then he
he like basically my choice wasmy husband could stay with me
and someone could take the babyaway, or my husband could take

(41:55):
the baby and leave the room.
And so I didn't want our babygoing with a stranger.
Uh, so my husband took him andand I literally just cried and
cried and just I said out loudover and over, I just want to
hold my baby.

(42:15):
And and I didn't know where theywent.
I didn't know when they weregonna come back or what was
gonna happen to me.
I heard my midwife saysomething about an operating
room.
Um, and like I literally justlike everything was happening
around me, and I was just layingon this bed, like with my legs
spread open, and this man whowas kind of being an asshole,

(42:36):
like at the foot of my bed, whojust sent my husband and my baby
away.
And um, and I'm just crying outfor him, and no one acknowledged
me at all.
Um, and really finally, theonly person that did acknowledge
me was um, I mean, they hadanesthesia come in um because it

(42:58):
had the epidural, and theywanted that um ramped back up
all the way.
Cause I remember like Dr.
Tarth did something and ithurt, obviously.
It just like pushed a human outof my body, so it was pretty
sensitive.
So um, so like the anesthesiaand like their assistant or

(43:18):
whatever, like they came in theroom, and um so I know that they
I'm pretty sure like fentanyllike ramped that back up, and I
really don't even know.
They gave me some cocktailwhere like I was there, like I
wasn't asleep, I wasn't, youknow, whatever, but it's like I
stopped fighting back, like Ijust laid there.

(43:41):
Um, and like I could hear, Icould see, like um the um
anesthesia assistant or whoevershe was, I don't know.
She wasn't like the mainanesthesia person, but like she
was to my right.
Um, and she said something tome, like, I don't know, I think
trying to be supportive orwhatever, I don't remember at

(44:02):
this point, but she wasliterally the only one to
acknowledge that I was there andlike this was happening to me.
And like, yeah, so I had nobodyexplaining anything to me.
I had and I remember saying thedoctor, like, the so got the
placenta out, which he reachedin for.

(44:22):
Um, and I remember him beinglike, it was right there.
I'm like, oh great, like um, soyeah, so it was really just
like I wanted my baby, andnobody gave him to me.
And um, and I genuinely feellike like the hemorrhage was not

(44:48):
the traumatic part to me atall.
Like, obviously, that's scary,and I wouldn't want that.
Um, but that was not thetrauma.
The trauma was Dr.
Tardiff and the way that hebehaved and the way that he
talked to me, and and my babybeing gone into another room,

(45:10):
which also, so my husbandleaving his wife, who's
hemorrhaging after the birth ofour first baby, he's holding our
son for the first time.
Like in that situation, itwasn't like this peaceful, like,
here's our baby, you know, likeI handing him to him because I

(45:31):
apparently have to.
Um he doesn't know what'shappening, and I don't know
what's happening.
And I hand him our baby, and hehas to leave, and so he doesn't,
that's it.
Like, he's out of the room andhe has no idea what's going on
with me.
And so he went to the roomacross the hall, and not a
single nurse went with him.

(45:51):
There were the nurses state,like it's a small unit, and the
nurse's station is like rightthere, and not one of them went
to go see him.
No one from my room likeescorted him or stayed with,
like, he was literally this newdad with his new baby, with his
wife, like heavily bleeding inthe next room, and he's just

(46:14):
standing there alone with ourbaby, and like it's really
disturbing, honestly.
Like, it's really disturbing,and um, and then it's like
thinking that I was just druggedlaying there while this all
happened to me, and and I feltlike it was like, okay, well,

(46:39):
like now I'm quiet, I'm notgonna not gonna cause a scene
anymore.
I'm not gonna cry out for mybaby.
I'm just laying here, and like,and then next thing I know,
like it's all calm again, and myhusband's coming back in with
our baby, and that was prettymuch that.
And like, no skin off anyoneelse's back, you know, it was

(47:01):
like Dr.
Tardiff came back in later andhe was like, Hey, like, sorry we
had to meet like that.
I was like, Yeah, likedefinitely.
So, like in the moment, I knewhow horrified I was and how
terrified, like I literally justwanted my baby, like you could

(47:21):
have put your whole arm upinside of my body, like I'm sure
you did, to get my uterus or toget my placenta out.
And if I had my baby, like gogo for it.
Like, that's all I wanted, youknow, and that's all I cried out
for, and I was just ignored.
Like every nurse in that room,my midwife was right there, and

(47:44):
there she wasn't holding myhand, saying, like, hey, this is
what's going on.
Like, your husband, he's likeright across the hall, he's got
your baby, like they're they'reperfect, they're good, we're
gonna get them right.
But like, I don't know, likeit's nothing, it was nothing.
Like, I just lay there afterlike out loud sobbing, and and
then like I said, they pumped upthe drugs, and then I was

(48:07):
quiet, and then it was done, andthen and then that was it.
And yeah, it was like I think Ithink he was maybe two or three
weeks old, and I was sitting inthe rocking chair at home
rocking him, and I was like, Iliterally just had this like hit

(48:28):
me, and I was like, I had anepidural.
Like, oh, like I didn't wantthat, I didn't want to do that,
and that just started this wholelike this whole everything just
not, it was not good.
I was not in a good placementally at all.
Um for like a while, like Icould care for him, I could

(48:53):
whatever, like that was fine,but it was like I had like anger
and resentment at my midwife, Ihad anger and resentment at my
husband, I had like everyone.
It was like you all let me down,and I couldn't do anything, and

(49:13):
I needed you, and you weren'tlike I it was just like across
the board.
I was so like it was not good.
I was not not feeling greatabout the whole thing.
Um, but like I also like hadthis perfect baby that I was so
happy to have, and like I got tobe with him at home every day,

(49:37):
and and it was awesome, and soit was like this really
conflicting back and forth um oflike feelings of like complete
like dread and self likeloathing because like if I
hadn't have gotten that up adoor, if I hadn't have just if I
hadn't have gotten that memory,if I hadn't have done all of

(49:59):
these things, then it would haveit would have gone different,
it would have been better, itwould have been fine.
And I mean, you can you cantalk yourself crazy doing that.
So, and I did.
I felt crazy going over all ofthat stuff over and over.
Um and yeah, I mean it's it'sit takes a long time to be able

(50:22):
to.
I mean, clearly I still likealmost nine years later, like I
can't talk about it withoutcrying, you know.
Um, that I probably never willbecause it's kind of really
screwed up when like the bestday of your life is also one of
the worst days of your life.
And that's what Richard Tardiffdid to me, is he took what

(50:44):
could have been the just thebest day, and he also made it
the worst.
And so that that's been that'sbeen really hard.
That's really hard.
And I, you know, like didsomething a little different
with each of my births afterthat because of that.

Angela (51:02):
So yeah, wow.
Oh my gosh.
I'm so sorry to hear thatstory.
And that's like the the hardpart of like there's so many
hard parts to birth trauma, butthe fact that like you keep
revisiting it on your child'sbirthday is like also, you know,
it just like it keeps going.

(51:23):
It's like also, you know,supposed to be a really happy
day, but you're still like it'slike it's still like also kind
of like you still got that kindof vibe, like yeah.

Alannah (51:32):
Yeah, yeah.
Like having to make sure thatlike I like take a breath and
have this happy face and I'mcelebrating my baby and I love
him, and like, oh, he's anotheryear older, and like all of
this.
But then when there's a quietmoment in the evening, or you
know, earlier when he like yearsago when he was younger and he
would be napping or whatever,it's like I would just like

(51:55):
break down and I had I just likehad to had to cry, like I had
to because it's like holdingboth, holding both of the
things, you know, where it'slike, yay, I love you, and it's
your birthday, and I'm so happy,and we get to have a party for
you, and whatever, but also likethat, I mean, that like rocks

(52:18):
you from the inside out, likecompletely.
And so like hold that too.
It's like you just gotta cry,you gotta cry it out.
And and then like there's theguilt that goes with that
because I'm not just simplyhappy and celebrating whatever,
like I carry that heaviness too,and I and I feel like I have to

(52:39):
make sure that you know I'm notI'm not messing with his day,
you know.
I don't I don't want him tolike feel that from me.
So because like that's not fairto him in a way, you know,
where it's like I don't want himto carry that his birthday was
like the best and the worst, youknow.

(53:02):
So that's hard too as as a as amom, because it's just supposed
to be a good day, and you know,it's it's gotten lighter, I
guess, each year a little bit.
It's gotten a little lighter,it's gotten a little easier to
sort of be on that day.
But it's still it's there, andespecially now as a birth worker

(53:29):
myself, which obviously thatexperience definitely like
propelled that in a way too.
Um but now it's like I'm justso hyper-aware of how women are
treated when they're givingbirth, that like sometimes it
feels hard not to walk awaywanting to just quit and not do

(53:52):
it because I don't want to seeit.
I don't want to see thosethings happen to other people.
Um but ultimately, of course,like I show up anyway and I keep
going back.
But um, but yeah, that's aheavy one.
That's a heavy one for me forsure.

Angela (54:10):
Yeah, yeah, it is really heavy.
That's a that's a big deal.
Yeah, definitely is.
How long did you wait until youfound out you were pregnant for
the second time?
And what was kind of yourthoughts leading up to that?
Like, were you trying, or wasit like you know, was it kind of
unexpected?

Alannah (54:28):
Yeah, so all of our babies were planned.
Um, I mean, the the twin thingobviously don't necessarily plan
for twins, but that thepregnancies are planned.
So my oldest, he was about twoand a half, and we had just
bought our house, and so wefinally had the room to have
another baby.
I did have a lot of fear, youknow, off and on in that time of

(54:53):
like still just having one butthinking about another, um, that
that like I was gonna gothrough something like that
again.
But but yeah, it was so yeah,it was about two and a half
years, got pregnant prettyquickly.
Like, I've gotten pregnant onthe first try every time, but
with my second, it was thesecond try, which I feel very

(55:15):
lucky because I know that's notthe case for everybody.
But but yeah, so so he cameright in and and he was there,
second boy.
Um, and I did have a lot, therewas like a lot to kind of hold
on to and and let go and movethrough and process, and like,
because I in no way wanted torepeat any of that.

(55:39):
Obviously, like that was I wasjust like, no, please, no,
please, please, please, no.
Like, I can't, cannot.
And I was so scared, like, ifif that did, if anything like
that did happen again, like howhow could I possibly even
function?
Because like I knew how deeplythat my first birth affected me.

(56:02):
And so I was like, all right,well, I'm gonna go to a
different hospital, um, I'mgonna have a different midwife,
and I'm gonna I'm gonna get adoula, and I'm gonna have a
photographer, and I'm gonna dolike it's just it's gonna be
different.
Um and that's it.

(56:23):
Like I was like, it's gonna bedifferent.
I uh that's all.
That's all I had to say aboutit.

Angela (56:28):
So have you photographed any births?
Like, and what had you startedyour birth photography career
before, like in between yourfirst and your second, or did
that come after?

Alannah (56:37):
No, that was after my third.
Um, and actually, I um when Iwas pregnant with my first, I
had actually considered a birthphotographer and then didn't
because I'm a fool.
Um, but I just I had which thisis like, oh, oh, young me, I

(56:58):
just wanted it to be thisintimate experience with just me
and my husband, and that Iwanted to put the funds toward
like a newborn session after thefact, and then and then and how
much regret do I have on that?
Like, I can't, oh, I can'teven, oh, so much regret because
first of all, like you can'tget that back, and I have almost

(57:20):
no pictures at all of any ofthat, and and that really that
also was something that was likeso so heartbreaking for me.
Um, and I also couldn't put thepieces of the puzzle together.
I didn't have it all, you know?
And and I knew that if I hadthe photos, that would help.
But I didn't have the photos,and so it just kind of is what

(57:43):
it is.
And so I hired a birth, I hireda birth photographer the the
next time and I and we still didnewborn photos after the fact
too.
So I was like, I did bothbecause I was I was doing it
different, I was for sure.
Um and yeah, and did have adoula too, because I wanted to
make sure that if my husband andI were in a position where we

(58:05):
didn't feel like we could speakup for ourselves or, you know,
because I know that when I'm inlabor, like I'm not able, and I
shouldn't have to when I'm inlabor, be speaking up to
advocate for myself in thosemoments, you know.
So it's like I wanted to makesure that I had another person
who could kind of like have eyeson the situation, knowing um my

(58:27):
history.
So um, so yeah, so we had allthose things.
I went into laborspontaneously, um uh well, what
was I 40 weeks and two days onthe 4th of July?
It was like 7 a.m.
Um I had had Braxton Hicks andstuff um during my pregnancy.
But that first contraction, Iwas like, oh, I think that was

(58:52):
real.
It was like, it just I couldtell it was different, and I was
like, okay.
But I was certainly not willingto be hanging out at the
hospital for any extra time.
I was not having that.
I was like, I'm gonna be athome for as long as I possibly
can.
And so, so yeah, just kind ofokay, like had my eye on it,

(59:14):
things were kind of happening,like, okay, like just laboring
at home because things keptgoing.
It wasn't like often, like, no,it just kind of gradually kept
going.
Um, and I I called my mymidwife and I let her know.
And I was like, I don't know,like, you know, kind of uh,
because I didn't want to getthere too soon.

(59:34):
I did not want to get there toosoon.
And we were closer.
Yeah, so this, so um, so yes,we were at St.
Mary's before it was all 45minutes away from where we were
living in Freeport.
This time we were living inWest Gardiner, going to Maine
General in Augusta, so a lotcloser.
So, yeah, so I had seen or Ihad called my midwife and like

(59:56):
let her know that stuff wasgoing on, you know what.
And it's kind of funny becauseafter the fact, she was like, I
almost didn't have you comebecause you sounded really fine
on the phone.
But again, I was positive forgroup B streps.
We wanted to get antibioticsgoing, whatever.
So she did have me go.
And at that point, like it waspretty intense.

(01:00:18):
I was having to move throughthem.
They were really consistent,whatever.
And I think we were at thehospital just over an hour
before he was born.
Like, so I was like, hell yeah.
I was so glad.
Um, my photographer missed itby like 30 seconds.
I swear.
She could hear, she was like, Iheard you.

(01:00:40):
She was like going down thehall as fast as she could.
Um so but my doula was there.
She actually made it to thehospital before we did.
But yeah, so it was reallyuneventful.
I had wanted to give birth atthe water both times, actually.
But for my second, the tub wasfilling up.
I hadn't even made it off thebed from just like getting taken

(01:01:04):
in, you know, whatever, like,oh, my clothes are on, whatever,
this and that.
And then, like, and I'm likeworking.
They were really intense.
Um, like breathing and I'mbreathing and I'm breathing.
My hands are going numb becauseI'm just like like breathing so
much.
And I hated how that felt.
That was like I hated it.
It was like so he be jeepy tome, where I almost hated that

(01:01:24):
more than the contractions.
I'm like, rub my hands, please.
Um, but yeah, my water broke,which I had never felt before.
So that was a whole new thing.
So we had to like get myclothes off because they're
drenched.
And it was really, I mean, mymidwife checked, like, I think

(01:01:46):
it was after that.
Maybe I don't remember, but Iwas at an eight and I literally
cried.
I was so like, thank you.
Like, I was, oh, I was so glad.
Like, I'm not at the hospitalat a three again.
Like, I'm at an eight, and I'mlike cruising along, like it was
good, really intense, because Ithink my labor started to

(01:02:08):
finish it was like six and ahalf hours.
So it was actually kind of asweet spot.
I feel like if it was, youknow, some people have these
like two-hour, like really crazyfast, really intense, and like
that that might have not been myfavorite, but like six and a
half, I felt like I had it, Ihad it under control, you know.
And then all of a sudden it waslike, because remind just

(01:02:29):
remind you, like, I had anepidural before.
So, like getting to this point,I had never like fully felt
what that felt like.
Um, and and I just rememberlike all of a sudden, like the
contractions were so strong.
And then all of a sudden, Ilike I was kind of like sort of
on my side a little bit, butjust kind of like laying back.

(01:02:52):
And I just remember going, oh,and just like shot up, like sat
up, like overcome by this likepush.
And I never felt that before.
So my body was like, we'redoing the thing now, like all by
itself, uh, just as it wasdesigned to do.
And my goodness, did she do it?

(01:03:13):
It was pretty crazy, yeah.
So, and it was like, I was juststill like in out, in out,
breathing, breathing, breathing,breathing, and like doing my
best to just stay like looseygoosey on my whole bottom half,
you know.
And my husband was standingnext to me at the bed, and I was
just staring directly into hiseyes.
One, actually, just one eye,just looking into one of his

(01:03:35):
eyes.
And and he's like, You're doingso good, like you're doing
great, like, you know, sayingreally sweet things to me.
And I'm literally just like inthe eye, like just staring at
him, heavy breathing.
And it got to the point where Iwas like, you know, moaning and
groaning, like these deep, youknow, like all of this, and and

(01:03:58):
I joke that this boy pushedhimself right out.
Like it was like his head wasout, and then all of his body,
and I like reached down and Ihelped bring him up to my chest,
and he cried and I cried, andlike he was here.
It was like, like, oh my god,like I I did, I did it, and I'm

(01:04:19):
not traumatized.
Like, oh my god, imagine.
And um, yeah, it was honestlylike the most unfortunate part
about that whole thing was one,that the tub didn't fill up in
time, so I didn't get to havehim in the tub.
Um, what position were you in?
Were you on the bed?
Yeah, I was on the bed.

(01:04:40):
Um, things were so in there waslike no way.
I was not going anywhere.
It was really intense.
So yeah, I was like laid backon the bed, like not fully on my
back.
I wasn't fully on my sideeither.
It was just sort of like anin-between, sort of a little bit
to my left.
Um, and he just jetted rightthe heck out.
Um, and he was just so warm andsoft and wet and just crying,

(01:05:06):
and and it was the best.
Like it was fine, everythingwas fine, and and no one was
messing with me, and my midwifewas talking to me.
Like, she knew very clearlythat I was like, you need to
talk to me before you touch me.
You cannot just like do thingsto me.
Like, I need you to ask,imagine.

(01:05:28):
Um, so I was, you know, and andI remember her actually being
like, oh, she's doing it.
She's doing it.
Okay, like good.
I'm so glad.
Um, I did need I had I had tornaway that like I don't know,
like a blood vessel or somethingkind of hit hit that in a way

(01:05:50):
where I was kind of like, it waskind of squirting blood,
apparently.
And so, like, you don't wantthat.
Otherwise, she would have, shewas like, I would have left you
alone.
She was like, I want to leaveyou be, but I kind of have to,
you're kind, it's bleeding, so Ikind of have to fix it.
And I was like, okay, it'sfine, you know, whatever,
because I was fine.
And it was, and she told me,and I had my baby, so it was

(01:06:12):
fine, you know.
So that to me wasn't like shewas ruining it and it was
whatever.
She just like made sure thatthat like got fixed up, and then
we like moved on, and myplacenta came out.
It was fine.
I did not hemorrhage, there wasnone of that.
Um, there was no chaos.

(01:06:33):
I like just held him until Iwas ready to pass him to my
husband.
And then I was I was like sostarving.
Um, and I they brought pizza upto my room, and I was up out of
bed eating pizza and my did mydiaper, and my husband's sitting
in the chair with our baby, andI was just so happy.

(01:06:53):
And it was like 1:30 or 2:30 orsomething in the afternoon by
that point, and the sun wasshining.
It was the 4th of July.
Um, and it was just like, okay,this is it.
I was so, I can't even tell youhow relieved I was.
It was like the weight of thepossibility that something could

(01:07:15):
go wrong was finally gonebecause we got through it and it
was good.
So yeah, thank goodness.

Angela (01:07:25):
Yay! Oh my goodness, that's awesome.
Yeah, so how was yourpostpartum after that with him?

Alannah (01:07:34):
Um, it was okay.
Um, I would well, my husbandwent back to work at like three
weeks postpartum, and that iswhen I kind of took a turn for
the worst.
I don't have like this bigvillage of people um to support.
And so he when he went back towork, it was like me and a

(01:07:58):
three-week-old baby and a twoand a half year old, and oh my
god, like I was so overwhelmed.
And I remember having thesefeelings of being, I was like
mad, where I was like, my birthwas fine.
I feel good about it this time.
Like, what's my problem?

(01:08:18):
Like, why, like, if I had thisgreat birth, like why can that
not be a direct correlation tohow I feel postpartum, you know?
So I was definitely dealingwith like some postpartum
anxiety, definitely somepostpartum like rage stuff going
on.
Like, it's not in a super greatplace for a little while.
And my second baby was also,while normal and common, was not

(01:08:45):
one that I could really putdown.
So he wanted to be sleeping onme for like every single nap all
day long.
Plus, I have a two and a halfyear old, and like he needs
things and whatever.
And so it was like, I was justlike, oh, like he was kind of
fussy and he wanted to always bein the carrier, but I probably
needed to be bouncing on theyoga ball to keep him happy and
then oh, whatever.

(01:09:05):
And it was so it was just likeI felt very overwhelmed and
really overstimulated andtouched out and frustrated and
like guilty, like just all thethings.
So at first I was okay, andthen I got a little uh, and then
I don't know, I would say, Iwould say a few months
postpartum, I kind of started tolike okay, okay, maybe this is

(01:09:28):
fine.
But um, oh, actually, sick atmy six-week visit, I did not
bring my baby with me.
I was gonna, and then I waslike, you know what?
No, because I was like, I I'mnot doing very well.
So it was actually maybe alittle bit before my husband
went back to work.
Now that I'm like rememberingall of this, so I had a feeling

(01:09:49):
that they were gonna want to putme on medication because I knew
that I was not feeling reallygood.
And so when I went in there,you know, like they make you
fill out the the questionnaireor whatever, and I filled it
out.
And the midwife, it was not themidwife who was there when I
gave birth, it was actually Ihad met her before a couple of
times during um my pregnancy,but and she was like my second

(01:10:12):
favorite, so I was actuallylike, oh, okay, good.
But like she like reads myquestionnaire and she was like,
Girl, you're not doing too good,huh?
And I was like, No, no, I'mnot.
Um, and so we kind of talkedabout that a little bit.
Um, and she suggested that Istart on uh surtraline and maybe

(01:10:39):
uh therapy.
So I started surrileing.
I kind of think maybe it was inmy head a little bit, just like
placebo kind of vibe, becauselike within like three days, I
was like, oh wow, I'm not cryingevery single day.
Okay, that's good.
But like looking back, I'mlike, oh, I was just like
undernourished, under-supported,exhausted.

(01:11:01):
And I think that's really whatwas going on.
Not necessarily that I neededmedication.
I went to therapy a couple oftimes, and then it just kind of,
you know, I just sort of thethe dark, the darkness sort of
was a little less, and I justkind of kept trucking, and
things sort of, you know, theyas you do it, they get a little

(01:11:21):
easier, a little lessoverwhelming.
Your baby learns new things,and they're not necessarily like
attached to you all the time,and so like I felt like giving
these little breaks of beingable to just like okay for a
minute, and yeah, so postpartumfor me is not always the most uh
the most simple thing, that'sfor sure.

(01:11:43):
So yeah, yeah, so really goodbirth and then tricky
postpartum, yeah.

Angela (01:11:51):
So yeah, postpartum is hard to navigate.
Sometimes it can be really deepwaters, you know.

Alannah (01:11:59):
Yeah, that's how it felt for sure.

Angela (01:12:02):
Yeah, yeah.
So now how did you find out youwere pregnant for the third
time?
And what were your thoughts onchoosing your care the third
time around?

Alannah (01:12:13):
Yeah, so um third time, I just like I had a feeling
that I was gonna have a positivetest.
Like, first go, and then I justlike had this feeling.
I was like, all right, like Ithink it's gonna be positive.
And we took a test when myhusband was at work.
I was like, that's kind of myMO, I guess.
Um and and it showed right up.

(01:12:35):
And I couldn't I called him atwork and I was like, dude, like,
oh my god, it's we're we'regonna have a bait.
Like I just called him and Ijust told him, and I was like,
sorry, I kind of wish I didn'tdo it like that.
Cause like I couldn't, wecouldn't hug each other, or you

(01:12:57):
know what I mean?
But I just like had to tell himright then.
So so that was kind of that.
And yeah, and that was so thatwas in 2020.
So that was that was a littletricky.

Angela (01:13:09):
What month in 2020 did you find out you were pregnant?

Alannah (01:13:12):
March.
Oh, like the month, literally,like I mean, he was conceived
like a couple, or maybe I didn'tfind out in March, but I don't
know.
Well, I'm like, I can't evenremember if it was just that
like he was conceived or if itwas that I found out, but it was

(01:13:32):
like within a couple of weeksof like the two-week shutdown.
And then it was like, oh, okay.
So that was kind of freakybecause that obviously
everything like just flips rightupside down.
And and because my birth lasttime was like really
straightforward, it all workedout, I felt good about it.

(01:13:54):
I didn't want to mess with thestuff.
I didn't want to mess with it.
So I went back to my midwife.
I saw her again, and we and Iwent back to Maine General and I
had the same photographer who'sgonna come back, and I did not,
I didn't have a dual come backbecause I actually was just
feeling good.

(01:14:15):
And because I was gonna see thesame midwife and like she knew
my history and all that, I waslike, you know, I kind of feel
like it's gonna be okay.
Um and obviously, like with itbeing 2020, it was kind of like
it was fine, but it was alsoweird.
It was just very weird,obviously pretty isolated

(01:14:37):
because weren't we sort of all,I guess.
I don't know.

Angela (01:14:40):
Um were your husband allowed was your husband allowed
to go to the appointments withyou or with yes, yep.

Alannah (01:14:47):
So he went with me.
Um and yeah, he's he's thebest.
Like he out of all of mypregnancies, I think maybe
hasn't like didn't go to likethree appointments, like total.
So he's shout out, I love you,thank you.
Um so yeah, so he was alwaysthere, he always came.

(01:15:10):
And yeah, like masked, maskedup, went in, did the thing.
Baby was good, I was good.
I've my pregnancies have alwaysbeen very like just nothing
major going on, like nocomplications, like other than
me not feeling well, um, justdid not feel well for sure.

(01:15:30):
That's pretty much it.

Angela (01:15:32):
Are you PBS positive for this pregnancy too?

Alannah (01:15:35):
Yep.
And actually, with my second,because I was only at the
hospital for like an hour and ahalf before he was born, like I
didn't get all the things, youknow, and then he was born
really quickly.
So I was kind of like, well,it's fine, everything's fine.
Um, but yeah, so I was positiveagain for my third.
Um, and so, but I was so I waslike mentally sort of in a weird

(01:16:02):
place.
Like obviously the world wasweird, um, and just sort of like
uncertainties around justeverything.
And I was really uncomfortable.
Um, like just my body was I wasso sore all the time.
I felt like I just couldn'tkeep up with with my boys and my

(01:16:25):
life, and not that I'm likedoing all these things, but it
was like just the most simplethings.
I was just like so achy, souncomfortable.
Um, even seeing a chiropractorlike weekly, I was still like
suffering so bad.
Um but but yeah, so I ended upum I was like 39.

(01:16:48):
It was my 39 week appointment.
I think I was like 39 and five.
And and I didn't have anychecks, no exams at all with my
second pregnancy because I waslike, not even gonna go there.
Nope.
Just no.
And I wasn't going to with mythird either.
But then I was just like, youknow, I don't know.

(01:17:08):
I kind of want to know.
I kind of feel I like I feelfine about it.
Like it is what it is.
Like, I know whatever.
It just was one of those thingswhere I just didn't, I was just
sort of eh, like I didn't.

Angela (01:17:20):
It's like there's no right or wrong for these things,
but it's like as long as you'renot coerced into doing things
or not doing things, right?
Right, right.

Alannah (01:17:28):
And I mean, like she, I don't even know if she brought
it up or if I I don't even know.
Like it was just not not athing, it was no big deal.
Like I knew that she didn'tcare, whatever I wanted to do.
Um, and I knew that therewasn't like any specific reason
other than like I just kind ofwanted to know.
I don't know.
So um, but I was at threecentimeters at that point, and I

(01:17:52):
was like, oh, oh, that's cool.
Okay, good.
You know, like that's that'sthree that I don't even have to
work through.
All right.
Um, because I still like Iwanted to be unmedicated, I
wanted to spend as little timeat the hospital as possible.
Like the same deal.
Like I didn't, I was like, uhnope, like I'm good.
I'm just gonna like pop in,have my baby, and leave.
Bye.
So um, so yeah, but I actuallyended up, I ended up opting for

(01:18:17):
a membrane sweep.
I brought it up, she didn't sayanything about it, but I was
like, hey, I and I knew moreabout them at that point.
So I was like, I know that thismight not do anything.
I know that like if my body'sready to go into labor, then
maybe something will happen.
If it's not, then it won't.
And like it could kind of messwith whatever, whatever.

(01:18:41):
Like I knew the things thattime, and I was like, you know,
I kind of wanted to see what'llhappen.
I was just very, I was justvery done.
I just felt very done.
I was like mentally likeexhausted, and you know, I don't
know.
2020 was just a time, it wasjust a time for everybody.
I don't know.
So yeah, it was a lot.

(01:19:02):
And so yeah, so we did that.
I also had a chiropractorappointment that day, too.
So that probably was just likea perfect combination of the
things.
And I ended up havingcontractions overnight.
I went to bed, ignored them.
Um, and it was probably like 3a.m.
or something, you know, likelaying in bed, like texting with

(01:19:24):
my midwife, and I'm like, um,because she knew that I didn't
want to get there too soon.
So we're trying to like, oh,you know, like what do you?
So she was like, go like take ashower, see if they calm down,
just chill.
So it's like, you know, likethree in the morning or
something.
I'm taking like a 45 minuteshower, like everyone else is
asleep.
But they didn't calm down atall.

(01:19:47):
They just kept going.
So I had I like woke my husbandup, whatever.
And so it was like, I don'tknow, five ish in the morning.
I I drove my Damn self to thehospital.
I was like, no, I'm good.
I could do it.
So I drove.
And yeah, and I got, I did umopt for a check when we got

(01:20:14):
there.
I was like out of five.
So I was like, oh, okay, maybejump the gun.
But but I feel fine.
Like my midwife was just likein the room, just kind of doing
some paperwork and just like,you're doing good, you know,
whatever.
Just kind of let me do mybusiness.
And um, I was able to get inthe tub, which felt awesome.
I'm like, finally.
So I finally got to be in thetub.

(01:20:35):
I was so glad.
But you know, like I had to, Iwas in a mask for a lot of it,
which kind of pissed me off.
Sorry.
To make women labor with maskson.

Angela (01:20:45):
That was insane.

Alannah (01:20:46):
Yeah, it was really insane.
I eventually was like, I no,like, I can't do this.
This is crazy.
I took it off.
But also, I'm like, you theywanted to do a COVID test while
I'm laboring.
So it's and I had never had aCOVID test before.
I'd never had COVID.
I'd never had symptoms ofCOVID, nothing.
But of course, there's stuff inthe thing up, up.
I didn't know that it was gonnabe both of my nostrils.

(01:21:07):
It was both of my nostrils.
I was very upset.
It felt terrible.
And we didn't even have theresults back at all until like
after the baby was born.
I was like, wow, thanks guys.
Appreciate you so much forthat.
Thank you.
Um, so that was stupid and Ihated it.
And looking back, I should havejust been like, go away.

(01:21:28):
Um, but my answer is no.

Angela (01:21:31):
No is a full sentence.

Alannah (01:21:33):
No means no.
Stay away from my nostrils,please.
But yeah, so I was just rockingand rolling in the tub.
I stayed in the tub.
I was in there for eternity.
I was a literal prune, I'msure.
But yeah, things were gettingintense, things were picking up.
My husband was just right thereon the side of the tub.
Like my photographer, she wasthere.

(01:21:55):
She made it.
There was no worry about that.
And yeah, and then all of asudden, you know, like, well, my
midwife was like, because youknow, COVID rules apparently
can't give birth in the waterbecause of COVID.
Which I was like, I literallydon't understand what that even
means.
Which really was frustrating tome because I wanted a water
birth.
I wanted one.

(01:22:15):
And so she clearly was like,You're getting to the end of
this.
She didn't say that, but likeclearly she was picking it up
because she was like, So maybeon the after the next one, maybe
we could try to like work ourway out of the tub, you know.
And I was like, you know, Idon't know.
I just kind of was doing doingmy thing.
Like, I don't know.
Like when you're that, I wasvery, very close.

(01:22:37):
So that I'm like, I'm not goingand this is crazy.
Um, but I am a good patient,and I'm very compliant, I guess,
when I'm in labor and I'm ableto sort of be like, this is
stupid, I'm not doing that.
And I knew that about myselftoo.
So I do have some sort of likeI do feel bummed about that,
that aspect of things.

(01:22:58):
So I ended up, I stood up andthen I pushed my baby out.
Standing in the tub, filledwith water, I and like I had
like nothing left to give atthat point.
I was working hard, you know,like labor, hello.
And so standing up, that waslike a whole, I hadn't had the

(01:23:20):
really the whole point of beingin the water was to just like
be.
And then I'm having to likehold myself up.
And I literally like called outto her, her name's Angela,
actually.
And I was like, Angela, help.
Like I called because I waslike, I need to, I can't, you
know, and so my husband likejumped into the tub, like up

(01:23:42):
under my arm with his arm.
Like I have one arm on thewall, like my other arm is like
up over his neck, and he's likeholding me.
And I just pushed him rightout.
And he he came out.
I swear to God, it was like, Idon't even, it was like a couple
pushes.
Like he came out, he didn'tlike, and I remember her too.

(01:24:02):
She like I pushed, and I'm sureit was like just his head, and
then and then she's like, Alana,stand up.
Like she very friendly waslike, get stand up.
And I'm like, uh, you know,like I can't.
Um, but it's because I was soclose to the water.
Like, obviously, once his headis out, you don't want that
going in the water then.

(01:24:23):
So she's like, stand up.
And after the fact, she waslike, I'm sorry I yelled at you.
He was just really close.
And I was like, uh, I didn'treally take it as you yelling at
me in the moment, but thankyou.
Um, so of course, like myhusband is like, arm under me,
like like just holding me up,and I push him out, he comes out
up to my chest, and I just sitright back down in the tub.
And I'm like, Do you know howstupid that is?

(01:24:45):
I'm like laboring in the tub,but I can't give birth in it.
So I stand up and push him outwhile I'm standing in the tub,
and then I just sit right backdown in the water.

Angela (01:24:53):
Like, okay, guys.
Hopefully, the person in theroom after you didn't like get
COVID or something because ofthat, right?

Alannah (01:24:58):
Like, I know.
Oh, so contagious.
I don't know.
So, so yeah, but and like hewas fine.
He had like he definitelysounded junky.
He was not, he didn't have muchtime to like have all the crap
come out of his face.
So he was like, huh, you know,junky gurgly a little bit, but

(01:25:18):
breathing, pinking up, attachedto his umbilical cord still,
like I knew he was fine.
And I remember my midwife acouple of times being like, he's
just a little stunned, he cameout really quick, he's just a
little stunned.
I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, like I wasn'tworried.
Um, but apparently the nursewas worried because she pushed
the button.

(01:25:38):
And you know, when you push thebutton, it's like all hell
breaks loose and people comerushing in.
My midwife told me after thefact that she used to work in
like home birth somehow.
And she was like, I was reallysurprised that she pushed that
button.
I didn't even, I don't know whyshe did that.
And I'm like, ha, great,because she did.

(01:25:59):
And so then all of a sudden I'msitting in the tub.
I have my baby, he's a littlegurgly, he's whatever, but like
I know he's okay, everything'sfine.
But then, like, thepediatrician's right there, and
she's checking on him, and thenall these other people are in
there and they're checking onhim, whatever, and it's like
this whole thing.
And so, like, the cord gets cutwhile I'm still in the tub, and
they want to like go bring himto the warmer to check on him,

(01:26:22):
and whatever, and like thewhole, like in my head, and
that's like I hate this so much.
Like, in my head, I'm like, goaway, like he's fine, he's fine,
I'm fine.
Everything is just like givehim a few minutes.
Like, what you know?
I was like, I could like feellike this is not a big deal.
Like, I knew he was good, youknow.

(01:26:42):
But it's like in that moment Ihad just labored in birth, like
I was not, I don't know, it waslike I didn't have, I didn't
have the ability to get it outof my head and like through my
mouth to say it, you know, whichreally sucks because I really
wish that I had to be like, stopfor a minute, like go away for
a minute, like just chill.

(01:27:04):
But like in the moment, it waslike there was no way that I
could be like, hold on.
Like I couldn't, it was justlike my baby, like, oh my God,
like holy crap, he just came outof my body, like whoa, it was
like that, those immediate rightafter birth moments where like,
you know, maybe for some peoplethey're more able to do that,
they're more grounded, they'remore whatever.

(01:27:26):
But I'm like, I'm like not evenon earth yet.
Like, oh my god, you know?
But like I also felt like I wasI was irritated, but I also
felt like okay, where I waslike, I don't even know how much
time had passed.
It wasn't instant, um, but itwas it was pretty soon after he
was after he was born.

(01:27:47):
So that was kind of a bummer,but I was like, okay, like I
felt okay.
I wasn't I wasn't like freakingout about it, like like how I
had with my first.
Like I was like more like,okay, like I like I knew that he
was fine and I was fine, it wasfine.
I was irritated, and I was kindof like like I remember my

(01:28:09):
midwife being like he's he'sjust stunned, they just want to
kind of check, like whatever.
And I think she was frustratedwith the situation, but I'm also
like, then why couldn't youhave just said go?

Angela (01:28:21):
I was the one that was in there in the room the whole
time, exactly.
Like you were having that inthat space where you can't
really verbalize the thoughts,and it's like, yeah.

Alannah (01:28:30):
Yeah, and and and she did say, like I remember her
saying out loud, his head wasnot under the water.
She was like firm on that, youknow.
Because of course, that wasprobably maybe what the nurse
had thought, or something waslike, oh, this baby like went
under the water after his, youknow, what, but that didn't
happen.
And so, like, my midwife wasvery much like, he was born

(01:28:50):
quickly, he was not under thewater, he was not born in the
water, like, no, like whatever.
But so, so yeah, so I just kindof like schlepped out of the
tub into the bed, got dried offand stuff.
Like my husband, I could seehim, like, poor guy, he was
soaking wet from you know,jumping in the tub to hold me
up.
And so he had taken his pants.

(01:29:11):
I was standing over there inhis box.
There's like a little cutie.
I'm like, oh my god.
Um, and like placenta came outagain, no problem, no
hemorrhaging, none of that.
And I remember just like, Iliterally was like, Can I have
my baby back now?
Like, I literally said it likethat.
I'm like, what the fuck are youdoing?

(01:29:32):
Like, give him back.
He's not it.
Um, so he came back and we hungout and snuggled and you know,
all of that good stuff, and itwas fine.
I just remember feeling verylike annoyed and wishing that I
had the ability to verbalize inthose moments, but also like
because I knew that about myselftoo, going into my third birth.

(01:29:54):
I just like knew that that wasnot really something that I was
able to do, probably.
It hadn't really been somethingI could do very well
previously.
So I was like, okay, so thatmight just kind of be how I
roll.
And that's okay.
I know this about me, andthat's good to know.
But it was just, you know, allof a sudden when there's that
many people in the room, andlike, even though I knew like in

(01:30:15):
my body that there wasn'tsomething wrong, it was still
just like uh okay, whatever, Idon't know.
Like, I couldn't couldn't telleverybody to just not stop for a
minute.
So I did have some frustrationsa little bit, like even toward
myself, where I was like, oh, ifyou could have just said wait
or something, you know, butunfortunately that's just not

(01:30:39):
how it happened for me.

Angela (01:30:40):
So it's really hard to fight all of that energy that
comes rushing into the room whensomeone pushes the button.

Alannah (01:30:46):
Right, right.
Because it's a lot, it's a lot,you know, and especially like
I'm just like sitting here inthe tub, and all of a sudden,
like all in front of me is like,whoa, all these people.
It it's not just, you know, thepeople like my midwife, nurse,
husband, photographer who hadbeen in there the whole time.
It's all of a sudden like, oh,I don't know you, and I don't
know you, and I don't know you,and you wanna do things, and I'm

(01:31:10):
not ready for that.
I don't know what's going on,you know.
So that part kind of was abummer.
I do feel, feel, you know, whenI think back to that birth
story, I feel bummed about that.
Um and but overall, I don'tfeel like like that one isn't,
you know, it's it doesn't havelike that heavy, traumatic sort

(01:31:33):
of feeling.
Um, like my first.
It doesn't feel as like woo-hooas my second, but not far
behind.
So like I felt okay.
Um, I felt, you know, Iappreciated like I I still
noticed that my midwife wouldlike talk to me about like what
but before touching me, youknow, like that type of thing.

(01:31:54):
Like she was like actuallycommunicating with me and things
like that, which I was like,okay, good, we're still doing
that, good, you know.
Yeah, and overall it was likerelatively, relatively simple in
that way.
So yeah.
And then postpartum was prettyhard again.

Angela (01:32:11):
Yeah.
How was your postpartum withyour third?

Alannah (01:32:14):
Yeah, it was like, I mean, so between my second and
third, they're like 17 monthsapart.
So looking back, I'm like, oh,you were like a literal baby
still.
Okay.
So, like planned, because wewere like, well, we're not
sleeping, so we might as welljust go for it, whatever.

(01:32:36):
Um, and then we're like, ohGod, okay, this is fine.
This is fine.
Um, it was awesome, and likethey're so sweet, and like
people mistake them for twinsall the time, which is really
funny because now we actuallyhave twins.
But but yeah, it was hard.
Again, like really overwhelmed.
I had cut back on my searchrelease during my pregnancy.
I was on like the tiniestlittle dose just to kind of like

(01:32:59):
keep it there.
And then we upped it, um, likeright postpartum.
Not to like a super high dose.
I was never on a really highdose, uh, but just to kind of
like help keep keep things atbay.
And honestly, like I ended up,I don't even, I don't even
remember um how old he was atthat point.
Um, but it was in within thefirst year postpartum, I think.

(01:33:19):
I ended up being like, I don'tthink this is doing anything.
Like, I literally don't thinkthis is doing anything.
And I'm like, this is terrible,terrible.
Don't anybody ever do this.
I just stopped taking it.
Very bad, don't ever do that.
It felt awful.
Um, not awful like mentally,but it was like withdrawal type

(01:33:40):
awful, or like I felt like justuneasy, like in my stomach, like
sort of nauseous, sort of that.
Like it was like, I don't know,it was just like not, it was
not good for about a week, andthen I was fine.
And I literally felt the same.
I'm like, cool, okay, great.
So I've just been taking thatfor nothing.
And again, looking back, Ithink undernourished,

(01:34:03):
under-supported, um, I meanisolated, 2020, you know, and
yeah, just completely exhausted.
And I mean, that takes a toll.
And it just takes the toll forsure.
So yeah, and I think for mepersonally, like obviously lack
of sleep affects everybodydifferently in different ways,
whatever.

(01:34:23):
And for me, super ramps upanxiety and like just really
just exacerbates everything in away where like it seems like
maybe I need to be, could couldbenefit from medication when
really like I just needed somesleep and some food and some
water and maybe less coffee, butI'm trying to survive, so you

(01:34:46):
know, it's kind of a lot.

Angela (01:34:49):
So yeah, finding that balance, right?

Alannah (01:34:51):
Right, right.
So not the most simplepostpartum ever, but at least
like felt okay about about likemy birth, generally speaking.
Like I had a couple things,obviously, where I was like, uh,
okay, that definitely couldhave gone differently.
But I wasn't heartbroken and Iwasn't like completely
traumatized.

(01:35:12):
So, you know, so that at leastwas good.

Angela (01:35:18):
Before you go, I just want to remind you, I have a ton
of resources for pregnancy andbirth.
If you're pregnant, whetheryou're a first-time mom or if
this is your fifth baby, I wantyou to check out the show notes
because I have some freetrainings and free downloads
that you can sign up for, aswell as the link to access my
labor of blows, a comprehensive,self-paced online outward

(01:35:40):
education course.
Updated this course istypically for moms who don't
want to be told what to do,regardless of where your
birthday or who your birthdayis.
And I'd honestly would love toteach you everything that I know
so that you can prepare for anautonomous birth experience and
prepare to step into your roleas the leader of your birth
journey.

(01:36:01):
So with this show notes, checkout all of those links, and if
you ever have any questions,feel free to DM me at
mymainbirth over on Instagram.

All Episodes

141. MyMaine Birth: How We Birth Matters - Part One - Alannah's First Three Pregnancy and Birth Stories

Episode Transcript

Popular Podcasts

Stuff You Should Know

Dateline NBC

The Bobby Bones Show

.css-15opob5{left:0;position:absolute;top:0.8rem;} All Episodes

.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}141. MyMaine Birth: How We Birth Matters - Part One - Alannah's First Three Pregnancy and Birth Stories