November 21, 2023 • 58 mins
Have you ever found yourself longing for connection, yearning to overcome the loneliness that can often creep into adult life? We've all been there, and that's why we've invited Steven Kershaw, Yuly Foley, and Samantha Kennedy to lend us their personal stories and insights on navigating this universal challenge. With nuances to their narratives that will have you nodding in agreement, our guests provide a reassuring voice in the often overwhelming quest for friendship and community in adulthood.
Our discussion opens up with a deep dive into making friends as adults, exploring the nuances of building connections amidst the solitude of remote work and social distancing. We journey with Steven as he shares his experience of starting a Facebook group which turned into a beacon of community in the Triangle. Yuly and Samantha also unfold their remarkable stories of finding a sense of belonging through social media and volunteering. We later transition into a heartfelt exchange about the power of community and its profound impact on our lives. Our discussions shed light on our experiences with Facebook group GOAT (Goofing Off Around the Triangle), a thriving digital hub that's inspired its members to rise above isolation, foster unexpected collaborations, and find inspiration.
As we wrap up, we delve into the heart of what it means to be part of a community - exploring the fear and uncertainty that often stops us from taking that first step, and sharing our personal stories of transformation once we conquered those fears. We discuss how inclusive social events within wider communities can break down barriers and foster genuine connections. The episode concludes with an invitation to engage with us on social media, to continue the conversation and further strengthen the bonds that tie us together. If you've ever felt alone in a crowd, this episode will remind you that we're all in this together. Listen in, join us, and let's redefine what connection and community mean in this digital age.
GOAT 🐐 (Goofing Off Around the Triangle) | Facebook
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Now, let's dive in!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (00:10):
Hello friends, welcome back to the
Holly Springs Deep Dive podcast,soon to be called the North
Carolina Deep Dive.
I am your host, Amanda BenbowLunn, and today we are going to
be talking about findingconnection and making friends as
adults.
It is my pleasure to welcomethree guests to our conversation
(00:31):
, the first of which is StevenKershaw.
He is one of the founders ofthe Facebook page GOAT ( Goofing
Off Around the Triangle).
Born in Charleston, southCarolina, he's a world traveler
who now calls Raleigh home.
He has an undergrad in musictechnology and a master's in
information technology.
(00:52):
Steven spent some time as aBusiness Development Executive
Producer for Sony PicturesInternational in New York and
Berlin.
He's been a Division Directorof IT Help Desk in Berlin and a
school teacher in Charlotte.
Currently, he's a real estatebroker for the Raleigh- Durham
Triangle and Great Eastern NorthCarolina area.
(01:14):
Yuly Foley, who some also knowas Azy, is from Goshen, new York
, and now calls Holly Springshome.
She's lived in the area forthree years and loves to spend
her time surrounded by horsesand connecting with people
through social media groups.
She's a mom of two who loveshelping the community as much as
she can.
She passed the bar in her 20s,got into finances and became the
(01:39):
controller of an importantfashion company in New York City
for over 16 years.
Life pushed her to go for moreand now she also owns her own
small commercial photographybusiness called Azy Foley
Photography.
Our third guest, anothermoderator for the GOAT Facebook
group page is Samantha Kennedy.
Samantha grew up in New Jerseyand Florida, and then got
(02:03):
married and raised her childrenin Connecticut.
After the passing of herhusband in 2016, she decided to
move to Holly Springs the summerof 2020 with her two teens.
She enjoys volunteering at APlace at the Table and political
activism.
She's been a self-employedmarket research consultant for
(02:23):
24 years.
Without further ado, friends,let's dive in.
So we're just talking aboutmaking connections, finding
friends as adults, and howdifficult that seems to be.
So I guess I'll kind of startoff with I see it a lot on
social media.
I hear about it when I'm withgroups people feeling as adults
(02:45):
that they don't necessarily havea friend base and they find it
difficult to make friends asadults.
I think when we're younger,we're put into classrooms in
certain situations where we'realmost forced to be around
people and make friends, andthen for those who have children
, you go through kind of thesame thing, you make play dates
(03:05):
and then sometimes you play orhave connection with their
adults.
But if you don't have childrenor you're not in those sectors,
you don't necessarily have that.
Samantha Kennedy (03:18):
I definitely agree.
I think that most of life yousort of have a friend group
created for you school,university work and especially,
I think with what happened withCOVID and now with so many
people working remote, that ithas really exacerbated that
(03:39):
sense of isolation andloneliness and that for me, is
definitely what prompted me tojoin GOAT and benefit from all
these amazing people and storiesand the fun events.
But it is still hard to takethat first step.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (03:57):
It's true, and Stephen, you want to talk
about GOAT and introduce that.
Stephen Kershaw (04:01):
Yeah, I guess from where it comes.
I've always had a group offriends at least an inner circle
and an outer circle of friends,and living in New York and New
Jersey and then living in Berlinespecially, I started a group
in Berlin called FilmFour and wegot to about 5,000, 6,000
members and it was a networkingand it was especially kind of
cool because I wasn't a nativeGerman speaker and so, as all
(04:23):
these people and it was moreindustry related, you know, for
the film industry there wereeverything from writers, actors,
producers and so forth and wewould meet at least once a month
huge.
And then there were like somesmall other types of things that
would go on, as there was a lotgoing on in that industry in
the city and from there it wasjust like it was a very
(04:44):
interesting.
You know, I had a group offriends that had nothing to do
with that, but it was kind oflike oh right, social media is
just now coming about.
Back then and how we wereworking with it.
When I moved back stateside Iwent from a lot of people I know
and friends that I can alwayscall up and hang out with to
nothing, and for the longesttime it was nothing.
I became involved in arelationship and all we had were
(05:06):
her friends and people I workedwith and I was always so busy
it was never any time to makefriends and it was hurting and
we both knew it and it was likeit's not something I can deal
with very well.
Well, eventually thisrelationship came to an end and
when it did I was like I don'thave anyone and it was just
right.
After COVID.
We kind of clung on to beingfriends during the COVID phase
(05:29):
just to have something.
But when that came to about,you know, that came, came about
there was nobody there and Irealized I'm like what have I
been doing for almost a decade?
And instead of feeling whoa andsorry for myself, I'm like,
well, I know, professionally Iwas going to start a group to
attract people in and just kindof talk about moving to Raleigh,
coming to Raleigh, knowing yourneighborhood and so forth.
(05:52):
And by happenstance I was inSingle Parents of the Triangle
and I came across a thread wherepeople were talking about
making friends and there wasthis guy in there.
Oh, what the hell, how was itjust so damn hard for a grown
ass adult to make friends?
Blah, blah, blah.
And it was Patrick.
And I'm like well, dude, I'llbe your friend.
I agree with you 100%.
I think it's very difficult andwhen we were little kids, I
(06:15):
would be like you like toskateboard, so do I.
Wouldn't be best friends.
Good, here we are.
So why can't we do that asadults?
And so immediately he was likewell, what are you doing this
weekend?
I'm like I don't know, what doyou suggest?
Well, let's get together and dosomething, okay.
And all of a sudden you startgoing, well, wait a minute.
Like, all right, you know what,forget it and just go and do it
, and so forth.
And so we started talking aboutand I told him about my ideas
(06:39):
Well, I'm going to startsomething online.
He's like well, I need to dosomething for my friends,
because we need something betterthan a chat room to have like
events or so forth.
And I'm like well, let me tellyou my vision, because it's a
little bit more than that.
And he was like okay, all right.
And so I'm like you do realizeI'm going to have a few thousand
people in this thing when we'reall said and done, but we need
(07:00):
to explore the whole idea ofthat.
We're not.
It's not just commercial.
It's not just being aninfluencer or something like
that.
I really do want to kind ofproduce this fresh oxygen idea
of positivity.
Let's be friends, let's exploretogether, let's go out and do
things.
We don't even have to be bestfriends.
It can be outer circle, butmaybe inner circle too, it
(07:21):
doesn't matter, let's just gettogether and inspire each other.
And he was all about that and itwas like, okay, it was just the
right time and right place.
So we kind of started thiswhole thing.
I was like give me a few daysto write rules and do all that.
I was just a little skeptical,didn't want to jump in, but I
(07:41):
had no choice.
So we just jumped in andstarted it and within a few
weeks there were peopleinterested Very few, of course,
but you know, the whole idea waswell, let's give some hints,
take pictures of what we'redoing, take pictures of the most
mundane, goofy, geeky stuff.
People like real.
They don't want to seesuperstars, they don't want to
(08:02):
see, you know, ruby slippers onthe, you know, on the red carpet
.
They want to see real peopledoing real things, even if we
look like a bunch of doofusesdoing it.
And sure enough, I guess itcaught on and we're like hey,
well, come out and hang with us,we're completely, we're good,
you're not going to get mauledor pulled or offended or
anything like that.
We're really just looking tohave, honest to goodness,
(08:24):
relaxed, good time and maybe getto know our environments too.
And the whole idea was it'shard for adults to make friends
on top of the support ourcommunity and voila that, all
sort of just kind of this whole.
I almost want to say just likejust this mess of guts somehow
got processed and we smoothed itout as we went along.
(08:45):
Obviously it took a while, butthat's it in a nutshell.
Let's, let's make honest togoodness friends, let's not,
let's not have and I think a lotof people were so turned off by
some of the groups out therethat were a little bit rough
around the edges to say itkindly.
you know, with the foul languageand the vulgarity and the
offensity and so forth it was.
It was a little rough and I'mlike, no, can we just be like
(09:09):
real people, normal people, howwe would be in real life, and
not put on any airs and also letpeople know, hey, you don't
have to come out and take abunch of mouth from people or
something that might be a littleuncomfortable.
No, you should be able just tocome out and enjoy and be safe.
It's your safe space.
Feel good about what you'redoing and about who you're
mixing with.
Yuly (Azy) Foley (09:29):
What I've seen so far in these almost two
years, it's that the beauty ofnewcomers join the group and
then when you turn around,you'll see that they click with
others and then they become realfriends and it actually makes
you feel really, really goodabout it because if it wasn't
for this group, they will stillstay home and they will stay
(09:52):
feeling not complete.
I always say and that wastaught in my family that
loneliness takes 15 years lifeexpectancy and I always say I
want to live long and I want tohave fun.
So when I move here as Stephendid and everybody else in the
group I had no friends either.
So I say well, we have to putyourself up there and do you got
(10:17):
to just smile and just showthem that you are really honest,
that you don't have secondintentions, because people read
that in your eyes, people knowwhen you care and that attracts
more and more and more, and Ithink that's the success of this
group.
It's that we do welcome, we doask how you're feeling, how
(10:39):
you're doing.
Do you care?
What do you want to do,something online or offline?
And then when you turn aroundand it's like these amazing
groups they can follow us andlike, wow, look, they connected.
I had no idea that these peopleconnect and they have so much
in common, and to me it justmakes me very, very, very happy
and accomplished.
So I will continue doing eventsas soon as much as I can.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (11:03):
Awesome.
So the page we're talking aboutis a Facebook group called GOAT
(Goofing Off Around theTriangle), and, Samantha, do you
want to go into what broughtyou to join?
Samantha Kennedy (11:14):
So I moved to North Carolina June 30th of 2020
with my two teenage kids, covid.
Yay right, when it letquarantine ended.
I am also in a community thatis mostly married with young
kids and so felt very isolatedon so many levels, and my kids
(11:38):
are teenagers so I'm not goingto be able to utilize them to
create a network.
So a friend of mine knew that Iwas single and she said hey,
you want to go out?
And she invited me to one ofthe Goat events.
I was like, how did you findthese people?
And she told me about it and Iactually went to two events with
(11:59):
her before I even joined thegroup, because I wasn't sure
what to expect.
Social media don't have a lotof positive reactions to social
media, right?
So I'm thinking, oh God, ifthis is going to be another of
those groups and then you'rejust going to get all this like
grossness.
I didn't want that.
So I did join and I was a lurker, like a lot of people are, for
(12:22):
the first couple of weeks,trying to get a feel for the
affect of everyone.
The first time I went to anevent by myself, I was
definitely still nervous, eventhough I had met people
previously.
But you know, as Julie said,the mods, the administrators,
they take a very, they take avery personal responsibility to
(12:46):
all of the members and newcomersto make sure that the vision
that Stephen talked about comesto life.
So I noticed that Julie andStephen and Jessica and all of
these people made sure anybodywho was sort of wow, standing
off to their side they pulledthem in.
They made sure that no one wasfeeling left out.
(13:09):
And after my first event on myown, I thought what a great
group of human beings, because,at the base of it, we're all
looking for the very same thingconnection for people to care
for you and also for you to carefor them, because that's human
nature, yes, and to be stuck byyourself, you're like, oh, I
(13:30):
don't know what to do.
I've got all this stuff going oninside and to share it with
others is beautiful.
So, covid, moving down here,being old or being single, like
all of those demographic things,do not lend itself to creating
a new social environment.
And so I am ultimate, like sothankful and I think Stephen
(13:50):
knows this, he really I hope youknow this like how appreciative
I am of not only the vision tocreate it but to maintain that
environment and, since you know,stephen made me a mod.
I've seen the hard work he putsinto it and I've felt a very
personal, deep responsibility tocontinue that at any new events
(14:15):
and to make sure that all thesepeople who are searching for
the same thing can find it, andI thank you for that.
It's beautiful, it really is.
I hope it doesn't you know, themore people, the more work you
have to put into it.
But ultimately I think everyonereally does want to join
because they want to feel thatconnection with others and it
(14:35):
has been truly life changing forme.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (14:38):
So I separated back in January of
2020.
And we had been together for, Iguess, married 13 years, but
together for 20 years at thatpoint, and my philosophy is that
I can make friends with almosteveryone.
I can fit in pretty muchanywhere.
And so we moved from New Yorkto here in 2006, just after we
(15:02):
got married, and my goal was I'mgoing to let him make friends
and I'm going to make friendswith his friends, and then it
can be couple time and socialtime together.
I thought it was a great planuntil he realized he's not a
people person and he made zerofriends or just work friends or
a couple friends that he sawVery occasionally, and so,
(15:25):
through our marriage, I didn'treally have a friend group.
And then, once that was nolonger a thing, it was like, oh,
I'm going to have to worktowards this, and so I guess it
started a little bit prior 2019,I think it was is when I
decided I love dancing.
That is the only time when I goout and I can clear my head of
(15:49):
all the practicality, I can justbe me and tune out the world
and have a great time, and upuntil that point, I was always
waiting for somebody to inviteme to go, or I was waiting to go
with other people, and myexperience had been everybody
would say, oh yeah, we'll go,and then something would come up
(16:10):
and then nobody was going, andso then I wouldn't go.
And so back at that point I waslike OK, so my bucket list item
this year how I'm going to growoutside of my comfort zone Is
you will go dancing, even ifit's completely by yourself.
You will learn to becomfortable in the uncomfortable
.
And what I learned was oh mygosh, this is so much fun.
I can do this Like.
(16:32):
I felt safe enough to go out.
I had such a great time, and Ilearned a pretty valuable skill
in how to introvert whileextroverting in spaces where
there are a lot of people.
So I know, sometimes onFacebook and online I come
across as more extroverted, butI am such an introvert.
So that was a really, reallybig step for me.
(16:55):
And so when 2020 hit just gottenseparated I was decided well, I
guess my bucket list now is tomake friends, and that's what
I'm going to focus on, because Ihad my business.
It was successful.
I had my girls, they were at aplace where they didn't need me
all the time.
So I'm like, ok, I'm going tofocus on making friends.
(17:16):
And I came across like ATB isone of the groups on Facebook.
A new one had just formed,Social Singles of the Triangle.
It was at that point.
It's now Simply Socials of theTriangle, I believe.
But those had what I needed, bywhich there was a community who
set up events, who I couldcompare to my schedule and I
(17:40):
could say, oh, I can meet thatone and I don't have to do the
work, all I have to do is showup.
And the first event I went towas at some person's house who I
didn't know and they wereplaying Cards Against Humanity,
which I'd never played.
But I was able to kind ofintrovert and focus on the game.
But I met people who I stillhave some sort of relationship
(18:01):
with.
So that was very empowering togo out and meet a whole host of
people.
And, gosh, what did she make?
She made some sort of ice creamshot.
That was amazing, that I love,but it was just a really good
time.
And then, all of a sudden, well,the second event I went to was
dancing at some bar by which Iwent and I thought I was dancing
(18:24):
with people in the group cometo find out there were two
groups that were there and I waswith the wrong people but we
had a great time and I didn'tfind out until the very end,
when I went to thank the host,that I was not participating
with their group at all.
But I still have all thoseconnections and so eventually
(18:45):
the the simply socials that wasthe social singles, that one
originally.
Like.
I loved that group and theyreally did a great job of
setting up different events andbecause I'm always busy, it just
worked for me to be able to say, oh, there's an event here, I
can go to that.
And then the more events that Iwent to, the more people became
(19:08):
familiar, the less of astruggle it was to find ways to
talk with people because theywere no longer strangers and so
I was able to build conversationand experiences.
And what I noticed with thatgroup because it was set towards
singles, at some point all ofthe mods, or most of the mods
ended up coupling up with peopleand then the environment
(19:31):
changed a bit and they had tofigure out the next steps on how
to make the group still work,because in the beginning the
mods were setting up a lot ofthe events.
Anybody could set up an event,but what ended up happening was
because they were coupled, theydidn't have as much time or
their priorities changed, soless people were setting up
(19:51):
events and so there was justless ease of somebody not
setting up an event to just fitin and go.
And that was about the timethat I was introduced to GOAT,
You set up a variety ofexperiences for people, you
don't?
You're very inclusive, sosingle people can find
(20:14):
entertainment there.
Married couples can findentertainment.
I've never been to an event andfelt like any group was left
out.
I've met all sorts of peopleand everybody's there just
having a great time.
So I really appreciate it.
I find tremendous value in itand it's just.
I know the amount of work thatWell.
(20:36):
No, I don't know the amount ofwork that goes into it, but I
can guesstimate how much it is,and what I can fathom is
probably only 10% of what youactually have to do.
But just to know that youcreate all of these experiences
for people.
People show up, they have agreat time, but you're doing
some behind the scenes stuff too, I would imagine, making sure
(20:58):
the venues can handle the peoplewho might be coming.
Do you want to go into whatsome of the events that you host
are like and how that works?
Samantha Kennedy (21:09):
I would ask you to talk about the one that's
coming up.
The Roper Romp.
Yuly (Azy) Foley (21:13):
OK.
So the way I found this wassometimes you just come to my
feed on social media and I sawit and I found it very
interesting Everybody wearingthe same costume and it got my
attention.
Photography- wise, right, and Iwas like that sounds fun.
(21:34):
But then I just put it on theside and then somehow the next
day it shows up again and I'mlike, ok, well, that's, that's
telling me something, what'sgoing on in here?
So I started looking into itand I posted on Facebook on my
group, and say, hey, who wantsto join me?
No, knowing what actually wasabout, I just thought was just a
(21:57):
group of people dressing up,like this lady Helen, which I
didn't even know who it wasuntil I started looking into it
and the funny story about theshow and how the marriage
dynamic they have and thestereotypes about the neighbors
and the guy living with thegirls and thinking that he was
(22:17):
gay and he was not.
We touched back in the 70s somany cultural topics that to
today I found that still peoplehave some barriers and a point
of view and I say this is sointeresting.
And when I realized that it wascreated, this movement of not
(22:38):
only just dressing up and havinga beer and a cool place.
It's just to showing peoplewhat the script was about and
what the actually the intentionof the show was.
It was to me.
It really, really got myattention and I said, ok, well,
let's just see who wants to dareand dress up just like this
lady and see how many Hellionsare going to show up.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (23:01):
So what is the show called again?
Yuly (Azy) Foley (23:03):
Three's Company.
And going back in time todifferent types of events, it is
true it depends on the eventsyou bring.
You kind of attract thedifferent type of people.
Some of them they don't.
They feel more comfortable in asmaller environment, with a
smaller group, and others feel,no, they really, really wanted
(23:24):
to put themselves up there.
But it's not like, oh, Icreated a band and they want to
say, oh, I'm just going to gobecause I found it interesting.
Now and I usually do this and Iput it on when I create events I
would say please don't stayalone, don't stay home alone,
you have us.
And when people read thatsentence it really clicks on
(23:44):
them because all through themany events that we have created
so far, when I go, they alwayssay thank you Otherwise for
pulling that, because otherwiseI was still still home.
And surprisingly I just found Iclick with the people and now
like I feel very happy here.
Thank you for inviting me, andI'm like I will continue
(24:05):
inviting others and please justcontinue to join different
groups, because now you canintroduce these new friends of
yours who are somebody else thatwill be in the next event and
it's just like you know it's adomino effect.
When it's honest and it's withcare, it's, it's for me it's
just beautiful.
Organizing events well, it'stakes a little, depends of how
(24:29):
big and depends on the location.
It takes work, but I think thatall the moderators that we were
part of the group at the momentand we all had, we always
covered each other.
Like he said, I can't do ittoday, is somebody available?
And then anybody will jump andsay yes, I can do it while we're
(24:49):
coming in with you.
And then, surprisingly, youknow their calendar changes and
then, when you're there thinkingthat you're gonna be the only
one, everybody start coming inand then it's become the Coach
family with everybody andthey're.
It's always fun.
Stephen Kershaw (25:07):
Well, let me add the diagram of a great event
and there is something to itand I've been asked hey, write
out something very quickly tohelp people kind of get a clue.
How do you make an event from Ato Z and a lot of it?
The making the event is theeasy part.
It's the kind of promoting itand making it fun and so forth
(25:29):
is a little bit more difficultfor some people, but the whole
idea of the events and so forth.
From the beginning we're likewell, let's go out and do some
fun things, whether and I havethis saying whether four people
come or 40, it doesn't matter Ifyou're enjoying it and we're
enjoying each other's company.
And I will be honest with you,there are times where only four
people show up to something andI have a very intimate moment
(25:52):
with the folks and we just havegreat conversations and get to
know each other in differentways, and I'm absolutely okay
with that, as opposed to the 40,60, 80, 100 people around me
that, if I'm lucky, I barely getto have a few words and shake
hands and say hello to peopleand I basically have had a
conversation with no one.
However, as long as people arehaving fun and they're getting
(26:14):
to see oh good to see you again,and so forth.
But the events can be anywherefrom after dark, which, honestly
, when I started out, that'skind of where I was.
Let's find some interestingvenues Like, yeah, do something
that's fun, do something that'sa little swank, exotic, you know
what?
Dress up, wear something alittle bit more than business
(26:37):
casual, enjoy yourself, look thepart.
Let's get out and enjoy ourtown.
Let's bring it up a notch.
You know, and there was a lotof that going on, and sometimes
it was just by random, when we'dhear about things or oh,
there's a new, this going on, orso-and-so, dj is gonna be here,
and it didn't matter if youwere into it or not.
We're all together, we're allhaving good time.
But as it turned out like a lotof the events are anywhere from.
(27:00):
Some are family-oriented, someare daytime, some are hikes,
some are bar-oriented,dancing-oriented, foodie events,
even like a little bitintellectual.
We get together and discussthings like some of the book and
some of the just smaller events, sports.
We get together and play thingsor do things.
It's a little of everything andpeople will find their niche
(27:26):
and it's okay if someone doesn'tlike knowing that and whatever,
there's no way you can get7,000 people to go do the same
thing.
In fact, to be honest, it'sprobably about 5% of the group
that's actually active.
Obviously, we don't have eventswhere 7,000 people show up.
That would be quite something,and it's kind of funny.
Yuly (Azy) Foley (27:46):
It doesn't matter.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (27:47):
It doesn't matter.
Stephen Kershaw (27:49):
So I mean, everyone does a fantastic job of
doing some interesting and funthings and you know, at some
points sometimes we just say,okay, it's the same old place
with the same old bands playingor whatever.
We're having an event again ona Saturday night.
You know what?
Let's call it a beach party.
And before you know it,everyone oh my God, I gotta be
(28:09):
there.
It's a beach party.
Oh my gosh.
It's funny what a little bit ofpsychology will do or just kind
of get that buzz going withpeople and they bring the energy
and the energy's fun and youget inspired by it and they're
like, oh, thank you for doingthis.
I'm like, oh my gosh, thank youfor showing up with your energy
, you know, because you made it,you made the party and so, and
(28:31):
that kind of shows you also howthe members of the group are
really a participant.
You know it's symbiotic.
Yeah, we're all workingtogether, you know, to make this
fun thing.
You know, and I think we justkeep concentrating on that.
And hey, what can make us laugh?
(28:51):
What can we think aboutpositive?
Let's ask about the good thingsabout our day, not the bad
things.
And I'm quite surprised thatand I will say this, there are a
lot of people who may not agreeon a lot of socioeconomic,
political ideas that are havinga great time together, and they
would never know it.
Samantha Kennedy (29:09):
And you know what?
So be it.
Stephen Kershaw (29:11):
So what.
And I think that's proof of youknow, like, hey, we can all get
along.
Maybe we should avoid certaintopics that are really not
important for our lives, and sowe all get along and we're all
having a good time, and so I'drather not know certain things
or hear about certain things,mainly because they're a downer
(29:31):
man.
All right, I'm rambling on,let's.
Yuly (Azy) Foley (29:34):
And when people start coming more active
in a different type ofactivities sports or theater, or
that it changed their day everyday, and then it turns into
what I think is a constantpurpose in life.
It's not just go to work thesame routine, it's something
(29:57):
different.
That will change depends ofwhat your choices are and your
calendar allows it, but thenit'll give you something to look
forward to and then you'll belife.
Become richer and become richer.
You'll appear when you'rehappier.
You live longer.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (30:13):
That's what I mean, that's what I mean.
Actually, I was looking up someof that stuff today and did you
know that loneliness or socialisolation can be just as
damaging for your health assmoking cigarettes for 15?
Yuly (Azy) Foley (30:28):
years 15 years .
Amanda Benbow Lunn (30:30):
Six drinks a day every single day, like
social loneliness is worse thana lot of addictions and other
things.
Some of the statistics I foundif you have a lot of social
isolation you have a 50%increased risk of dementia, 29%
increased risk of heart disease,32% increased risk of stroke.
(30:53):
So I know we get busy.
It's hard to do self-care, it'shard to think that.
Going out and making friendsand establishing these
connections sometimes wede-prioritize that.
But that can be one of the mostsimple things that we can do
for our own health and for ourcommunity's health.
(31:14):
It helps to.
Some of what you were speakingto, stephen, was bringing the
humanity to one another.
We can see that more clearlywhen we go to events like this.
We let topics sometimespolitical stuff, religion, those
topics that might be verypolarized Sometimes we can enter
(31:35):
those discussions more easilybecause we have that basis of
humanity.
We see each other as people, ashumans, and not just somebody
somewhere who doesn't understandlife.
They don't experience it.
So I do think it makes a lotricher in the connections.
And another thing that you kindof brought up, yuli, was
(31:57):
something that I experienced.
So I was always waiting to beinvited to do something.
I was waiting for somebody toinvite me and what I came to
realize was that so many peopleare very much like me.
We're all waiting for theinvitation, we're all waiting to
feel included, we're allwaiting to feel like we belong
(32:19):
and because we're all in thatsame situation.
So I'm not 100% sure, but Ifeel like y'all are probably all
extroverts and the introvertslike me fully appreciate you.
Every time I go to an eventlike you're right, samantha,
people are bringing people in Ifthey're on the outside of the
circle, like I've seen y'allengaged with these people.
(32:40):
You've engaged with me and somany of us absolutely need that.
But once you get the hang of itlike I see the pattern then I
start to do it.
Yuly (Azy) Foley (32:50):
Then there was an event, the switch.
It switches from introvert tosounds how extrovert.
And then you feel socomfortable that you're like
okay, nothing worse is gonnahappen than just say no to me.
And I'm like okay.
So then you just keep going,and going, and going, when you
realize you're surrounded byamazing people.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (33:10):
And so there was an event last year that
Yuly you set up Dancing atAlchemy by which I just put out
in Facebook.
So when I was having thosemoments 2019, where I realized I
was always waiting for somebodyto invite me, I sometimes, when
I go out, I'll just put out ageneral invitation of hey, I'm
(33:31):
going out dancing or doing X, yand Z.
If anybody wants to come, feelfree.
And let whoever sees it onFacebook, whoever knows about it
, feel like that's an openinvitation, because I would have
loved that.
And so sometimes what we needis what other people need.
And so that night, when I wentout dancing, I just put a
general message out hey, I'mgoing, the group is going out
(33:54):
dancing here.
If you're not doing anything,if you don't want to be alone,
if you just want to come hangout, feel free.
By which somebody on my friendslist sent me a message and said
hey, do you mind if I come?
And I said sure, and that endedup being the man that I married
a few months after that.
So I wasn't looking for thatconnection, but I was able to
(34:15):
find it because of this group,because of y'all getting
together, setting up events,creating spaces for people to
interact and just find peoplewho you resonate with, so I
truly appreciate it.
Stephen Kershaw (34:30):
I have no shame , I am seriously and I've got
this and I've gathered this overthe years.
You're talking to somebody inany language, because that can
vary, but I've noticed somethingvery similar with when people
are getting to know each other.
You can tell when people arethankful.
I'm so glad you came over andtalked to me because I really
(34:50):
wanted to do the same but Icouldn't.
So thank you.
But they're not saying that.
You could just see it in theireyes and they're just delighted
that they had the opportunity todo that.
Like, thank goodness the ice isbroken.
Who cares?
Who started the conversation?
What are you doing now?
Well, I'm about to leave hereand there's a really cool bar
like 30 stories up, and when Iwanna go, yeah, and you know,
(35:14):
like before you know it, andI've had this so many times with
strangers just they werestrangers and before the night
was out, you're just liketalking about real things and
then you're laughing aboutstupid things.
You have your like moments andgoing through it, and you know
when people are letting downtheir guard a little bit.
You know, and I take that as acompliment, if you can let down
your guard and I can let down myguard a little bit.
(35:35):
You just kind of you know youare looking for a connection at
that point and you're like youknow, I don't know Ralph, Ralph,
what an awesome time tonight.
It was great meeting you.
We need to do this again.
And he's like, yeah, that's it,and that's what I'm talking
about.
Like I didn't know you 24 hoursago.
I had no idea you existed, andhe probably had no idea.
(35:58):
He wanted to.
I'm so glad someone else tookthe first step, or he took the
first step and we all feel that.
And so what you were justsaying?
You're right, I think we do.
I think we're kind of happysometimes when someone else
extends an invitation.
I get into moments, too, whereI'm kind of happy with people.
Don't believe that about me.
(36:19):
I love my knee time and I willcrawl in and sometimes it takes
me a little bit.
Not long ago, a few weeks ago,drag me out to Amberley local
and I didn't really want to talkto anybody or do it.
And as soon as I get there andI start listening to people's
conversations, I just became soinspired and happy.
Before you know it.
I was just like, yeah, I'm glad.
Samantha Kennedy (36:39):
I'm here.
Stephen Kershaw (36:40):
And I would have been happy just to go.
You know I'm gonna lay in bedand watch Netflix and I felt so
much more invigorated andenergized for some of that and
just getting to know someone alittle bit better, you know.
Samantha Kennedy (36:54):
I want to just build on that a little bit,
because one of the things thatI've noticed and I've been in
the group since maybe thebeginning of the year is seeing
members who flourish.
You start to see individualmembers who maybe were always a
little bit of a wallflower,standing off to the side, gain
(37:15):
confidence as they go to thesedifferent events and meet people
and feel accepted and then theyby turn start saying I can do
this right.
They're accepting of me.
And then you see other peoplecreating events themselves,
people that may not have whenthey first started, and that's a
(37:37):
beautiful thing to see, whenyou see one person start to feel
better about themselves andhave more value for what they
can offer, and I've seen that inthe few months that I've been a
member, and that's anotherthing that I'm deeply
appreciative of.
There are a lot of Facebookgroups and social circles and
(38:00):
they tend to be sort of insular,in that there's a commonality
that brings them together.
To begin with, the commonalitywith GOAT is really about
needing to find connections andeveryone wants that and you see
it like I've seen differentpeople and I felt it myself Like
this is beautiful, it really isthe amazing personalities I
(38:23):
mean just you three on my screenright now represent such a
different era as well as adifferent vibe and you all have,
but just and then max times 100.
Stephen Kershaw (38:37):
I mean just the amazing differences that you,
you, you mean in differentpeople that can inspire you
differently, even someone thatyou may think, oh well, you know
, they're just kind of more of adrinking buddy and whatever Are
they.
You have that one night whereyou go out and all of a sudden
they're discussing somethingthat's very serious to them and
I need some and like the depth,and then you're inspired to
(38:59):
research your own depth in thatand I know I'm going a little
abstract here but neverthelessI'm extremely thankful to meet
all these differentpersonalities and all your
talents and all your own and allyour interesting topics and
even though I may not alwaysexpress it, but people and you
(39:19):
know, and it seems like I putsomething on the group and get a
lot of engagement.
I go through every singlecomment and I'm looking, I'm
reading and I find myselfreading and fascinated what the
answers are.
Some of them are goofy, some ofthem are repetitive, and then
there are things that in thereand like, oh, and they all have
value.
And you think, well, who wastestime reading all that?
Well, me, a lot of people, andI do know people.
(39:45):
And then you meet someonerandomly and you're like you put
the name to go oh, you were theperson that wanted to be
stranded on a desert island withBrad Pitt.
Yeah, awesome.
How did you remember that?
How do you tknow ?
And I'm like you told me andalso the value of the can offer.
Yuly (Azy) Foley (40:08):
You know between each other, like so many
, they have connected and thenonce can provide a service that
the other one needed.
And it's been amazing how yousee like, oh, I need somebody,
Can somebody do this?
And it's like yeah, yeah, yeah,I can do it.
I can do it and you're like,wow, this person is an engineer
and electronics and then do that.
(40:28):
Wow, you will never imagine soit is.
It's always very, veryempowering and which yes, but
it's positive.
Samantha Kennedy (40:37):
It's positive networking.
It's not just about I want tomake money.
It's about wanting to helpother members in the group,
which is very different, andthat's sure I mean.
Stephen Kershaw (40:50):
It's great and you have a great responsibility
with that too, because there'salmost a level of trust that
you're, that you're conceding tolike, oh, we're in this group,
so I should know you.
And then all of a sudden you'relike, yeah, that's right, we
know each other.
You better step your game up ofall.
Yeah, you're right, and sothere's a level of trust there
(41:10):
with that as well.
So that kind of networking andcommunity is important and I'm
happy to support somebody and ifthey feel like they have to
work a little extra hard, good,good for them.
They're growing, as I am aswell.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (41:24):
Some people discount online groups or social
media, but what I find in thesegroups are it depends on my
energy and especially as anintrovert, especially as
somebody who's shy, like I, liketo vet out people.
I like to understand thedifferent groups dynamics,
(41:45):
different people's dynamics,what their energy is like,
because in some ways I'm alittle chameleon I can fit into
all the places, but I just needto know who am I going to be
here.
And it's not that I'm notmyself, but different groups,
different personalities,different energies bring out
different energy in me.
So I appreciate the differentposts and the threads and
(42:08):
sometimes I'm a silent lurkerand I'm just reading and I'm
like, oh my gosh, that was sobeautiful.
This person was so vulnerablein this moment.
And for people to create spaceswhere people feel comfortable
being vulnerable, it's prettydarn amazing.
And when one person gets thecourage to be that vulnerable,
(42:28):
it opens it up for anotherperson to feel like, oh, I'm
safe here.
I'm safe here, I can trust them.
I'm not saying that we trusteverybody with the keys to our
car and our house and to watchour children.
There are different levels oftrust, but it creates a
foundational level so that wecan see them as human beings.
(42:50):
And then when you go out to theevents which I encourage
everybody to do you get to putthe faces to it, which sometimes
I have difficulty with becauseI'll see the little circles of
their profile picture and I justmake assumptions.
Sometimes I'm like, oh, you'rea lot taller or shorter, or wait
, that was your daughter.
You're not face that Iassociate with this name.
(43:12):
So it's always fun andinteresting, but it you smell
worse than I thought you would.
No, thank goodness Facebookdoes not have smells.
Stephen Kershaw (43:23):
Sensitive community is what you're saying,
community.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (43:26):
Thank you.
I can feel the connectionbefore I go out and that helps
me to feel more comfortablegoing out because there's
already that base connection.
But if you don't go out, youare also losing an opportunity
for that connection, to deepenthat connection, because only so
much can be transferred througha computer or a phone or a
(43:49):
device.
You're really missing out.
What are things that you feelhold people back from attending
events?
Stephen Kershaw (43:59):
Before we go on this next topic, I have some
bad news.
I have to get going.
I do have an appointment at7.30 in another town and I have
to get on my way.
But just as it was gettinginteresting, because that is a
really good topic, that sounds alittle bit more like I'm
interested in, because we'realways exploring those things
you know as far as we want tomake people feel comfortable,
(44:22):
Just get out once and we got you.
But at the same time, yeah,we're always trying to.
Yeah, it's a great topic.
I'm very sorry.
No worries, thank you for theinvite.
It was a pleasure, and it'salways a pleasure listening to
people's experiences.
I learned so much from thatAwesome Well thanks for joining
in.
(44:42):
I feel like a student and Ifeel like you guys have applied
something to my classroom.
Sure, you know not to soundselfish, I'm just here to absorb
, but it was very interesting tolisten to everyone's point of
view.
Thank you, awesome.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (44:56):
We all have something to teach one another
and no one from everybody.
Always always, every day.
Stephen Kershaw (45:04):
All right, we'll take care and I wish you a
great night and a due Bye, bye,bye.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (45:12):
All right, we'll try to be quick and wrap
up Some of the things that holdpeople back.
What do you think that might bee
Yuly (Azy) Foley (45:19):
And I think that the most to me is just
confidence, how they feel.
It's like the own barrier intheir own minds Look, I'm going
to be accepted, I'm not going tobe accepted, or do I look like
them or do I look different.
All people start imagining allthese things.
And then the but it goes beyond.
(45:40):
It's not only to a social group, it's like the own perception
that they have about themselves.
To go anywhere, to go to themovie by themselves, to go to a
sit down in a restaurant bythemselves, to.
It's just that fear.
And as soon as you show themthat we're having fun, and then
they're welcome and then this isa safe place, then it's like,
(46:01):
okay, I'm just going to try andsee how many people have tried.
And then they say, oh, Irecognize you, Are you?
I see, I can recognize yourface, You're all over the place.
I'm like, yeah, yeah, Can Igive you a hug?
The first thing I always do isI'm so happy you're here, Can I
give you a hug?
And I go hug Like they look atme like I'm not telling them.
(46:21):
I'm like, yeah, hug.
And then I go, yes, of course.
And as soon as you hug them formore than three seconds.
It totally changes and theyrelax.
And then they start conversingwith other people and then I
introduce them to two or threeand then sometimes I'll make
sure that they're talking tosomebody.
And there they go and it changedcompletely.
(46:44):
It changed completely.
And then they bring theirfriends and then they're not
alone anymore.
Oh, look, they're doing this,Come on.
And then they put tag theirfriends.
Then, hey, look, they're doingsomething fun.
Do you want to go?
And then you'll see them, youknow coming, and I'll bring it.
Oh, are you seeing Clarita inthe group?
Because I had so much fun.
But it's just confidence.
To me that's like the firstthing that the catch potato that
(47:08):
they don't want.
They want to have fun but theydon't want to leave the couch.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (47:13):
That's kind of a good thing I know, not the
first, I think it was the firstevent I went to.
That was at a place and Ididn't know anybody.
So I had the anxiety to chooseto go and then I made that
decision.
I drove like 30 minutes to getthere and then I sat in the
parking lot and had anotherdiscussion with myself and I'm
like you don't have to go in,you're what if you can't find
(47:34):
the people?
That's going to be so awkwardand I almost talked myself out
of going.
I'm pretty sure I sat in theparking lot for half an hour and
then finally I was like no, youcan do this, you should do this
, it's not going to hurt, you goin.
And I did and I had a greattime and I people recognize me
or I recognize them.
We were able to startconversations.
So I think, yes, that fear isvery common.
(47:56):
A lot of people share that.
Yuly (Azy) Foley (47:58):
I remember my what my first group was a TV and
I walked in on to the Christmasdinner and by the time I got
there everybody were alreadysitting down on the table and
there was no space for me.
So there was just one littletable in the corner, like the
punished kid in the corner, andI had two options.
(48:18):
Turn around, I said hello, thehost came and said hello and
then he went off, sat down.
I didn't introduce me toanybody and I did not.
I feel very uncomfortable atthe moment for that.
But then I say I got twochoices either just get dressed
up or ready makeup or whatever,and then just go home or go and
sit on that little table andsomebody will come.
(48:39):
And I did.
I went and sat down on the tableby myself and I see this girl
turn around, look at me, I smile, she smile and to today she's
one of my best friends.
Judy say to me, she got up andshe came and say would you mind
if I sit with you, Right?
So I kind of rather to have myown table.
And I'm like oh, you're one ofmine, I like that and this
(49:04):
beginning of beautiful,beautiful relationship and I'm
super, super happy that I stay,because sometimes you don't know
, sometimes you just go byyourself and just say I want to
go to the movie theater, but youknow, by myself.
Or I want to go and have adrink in that new place, but by
myself.
And as soon as you sit down andyou turn around, you have
somebody that feeling the sameway that you and then you have
(49:27):
so much in common and then whenyou realize you're like having a
great time you might not seethem ever again.
But at the same time, you had agreat experience that moment,
that day, in that presence, andI always vouch for that.
You have to just put yourselfup there.
Samantha Kennedy (49:41):
I think that people look at other people and
make certain judgments based onwhat they see.
But I think ultimately,everyone has a level of
insecurity about some part ofthem, whether it's aesthetic,
whether it's their educationlevel, no matter what it is, or
(50:02):
something that holds them back,and that insecurity can become
overwhelming.
Being able to overcome that ishard, and I think it becomes
much harder the older you get,because it gets more ingrained.
So one of the things that I'vesort of realized is you got to
(50:22):
walk through life with a smileon your face.
People are not going toapproach you if you look like
this, but if you're standing ata bar, if you're sitting at a
restaurant, even when you're byyourself and you have a smile on
your face, you are approachableand that is you attract what
you give.
(50:43):
But getting over that initialinsecurity, like everyone, has
to work through that themselves,and I think one of the things
that the mods do work reallyhard on is creating an
environment, at least online,that says we're not judging.
None of us are judging.
We just want to get to knoweach other, whether it's a silly
(51:05):
meme, whether it's somethingmore serious.
Someone posted recently thatthey have special needs children
and wants to create a communityfor the parents and the
children, and that takes a levelof bravery and being able to
overcome that.
But what helps is theenvironment that is in the
(51:26):
online group.
It's not toxic.
When things get a little bittoxic, Patrick and Steven do a
great job of putting the keyboshon that we are not here for
that.
We're not here to pull anyonedown.
We're here to lift everyone upso that you can feel that level
of security and that safety.
(51:47):
To say this is a very personalthing for me Talking about your
children, oh my gosh.
But to share it with 6,000complete strangers is a
testament to the environmentthat they created online that I
think they've done a great jobof then translating into the
real life experiences that wehave together.
So I'm hopeful that, as peoplethat are sort of the lurkers,
(52:12):
that they continue to be onlineand they see this is really
positive.
People are helping each other.
People care about each other.
We're sharing moments and ourpersonal lives with each other.
That that gives them a littlebit of comfort to say, okay,
yeah, I'm not perfect, but youknow what I want?
To go, have fun.
These people seem like they'refun.
They seem like they're going towelcome you with open arms and
(52:33):
give you that three second hug,like Yuly said, and I think that
that is happening more and more, which is fabulous, right.
But, everyone has their ownjourney to take.
But again there's no pressurelike oh, you're going to get
kicked out because you've nevercome to an event.
No, you can stay and you canlurk until you find the comfort
level that you need to get outin real life.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (52:56):
And just as a side note for those listening,
it is not a dating group.
Everybody is welcome.
The idea is to come in and beyourself and let people see who
you are and find connection on aplatonic level with those that
are in the group.
Now that is the best way to goabout finding somebody that you
(53:16):
may want to consider dating.
But it provides that space sothat everybody's there just for
the friendship, just for theconnection, and then, once you
meet somebody, if you have thatlevel, then you can progress.
But that's not what the groupis about.
Samantha Kennedy (53:31):
Thank you for that.
I mean, uly Y did, you did,steven did.
So it's going to happenorganically, but it's going to
happen in a way that you feelsafe.
Yes, right, you get to knowsomebody, you get to spend time
with them, and then, if thathappens, yay, go for it,
beautiful.
If it doesn't, you have acommunity and a network of
(53:54):
people to share small, littleindividual events with, or these
big, larger fun festivals.
There's something for everybody.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (54:05):
I love.
It All right Any closingremarks?
Yuly (Azy) Foley (54:08):
I think it's this position.
You have to have this positionto do things and to achieve
goals, Starting from there.
Starting with you want friends,then you have to work to get
friends.
You are a partner.
You have to work in yourselffirst and then put yourself up
there and then you will attract,with a beautiful smile that
(54:30):
Samantha was talking about, youattract the right energy that
comes to you.
And it clicks without eventrying hard.
It just, it just works very,very smoothly, because that's
where the universe supposed tobe.
That's how it actually works.
For closing, I think we live inan amazing city where there is
so many different types ofpersonalities and very rich,
(54:53):
because we all move to a statewhere we're blessed with a
beautiful weather that allows usto do so many things as a
community, and I think there isno reason to be home alone and
feeling miserable.
There is no reason.
There is so much you can do, noonly party.
You can do charity work, whichwe also provide events for
(55:15):
charity work.
You can help others throughchurch or through local
communities.
It's just think, it's justfinding a purpose in life
besides just having a regularroutine of working, coming home
and sleep and then repeat.
I think it's just when you putyourself up there and bringing
more people into your life, itchanges, and it changes always
(55:35):
for the best.
So just do it.
Samantha Kennedy (55:37):
My parting words would be be brave, be
brave.
You know that first step is thehardest, but once you take that
first step it's, you find yourstride, you take the next step
and it gets so much easier fromthere.
Awesome.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (55:50):
Well, thank you both for doing all that you
do and for welcoming everybodyand making me feel welcome and
included and just bringing funto my life.
I truly appreciate y'all.
Thank you, amanda, thank youfor the best.
Yuly (Azy) Foley (56:03):
Goodbye.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (56:05):
And that brings this episode of the Holly
Springs Deep Dive podcast, soonto be called the NC Deep Dive
to to a lose Thank you forjoining in today.
I wish you a very happyThanksgiving.
May it be filled with food,family and friends, and if you
could use some assistance withthe latter, I highly recommend
(56:25):
checking out the Facebook pagecalled Goat goofing off around
the triangle.
I will try and put a directlink into the show notes.
Check out their page,participate in the conversation
threads, pour over the variousevents and find those who
resonate with your soul.
There's truly something foreveryone, and if you ever see
any of us out, please make sureyou say hello.
(56:47):
We love putting a face to aname and would love to help you
find your people.
As always, if you have anytopics or thoughts you'd like to
share, you may do so throughsocial media or bmailing
mailing e emailing hhollyspringspodcast@gmail
ollyspringspodcast@gmail.hollyspringspodcast@gmail.
.
.
gmailcom.
gmail.
com you found value in today'sepisode, I'd love for you to
subscribe, rate and review it,and be on the lookout for at
(57:10):
whollyspringsdeepdivecom.
hollyspringsdeepdivecom atwwwhollyspringsdeepdivecom,
apple Podcast, spotify, audibleor wherever you currently listen
to your podcast.
Until next time, my friendsNamaste, the love and light in
me sees and honors the love andlight in you.
(57:30):
Thank you.
Hello friends, welcome back to the
Holly Springs Deep Dive podcast,soon to be called the North
Carolina Deep Dive.
I am your host, Amanda BenbowLunn, and today we are going to
be talking about findingconnection and making friends as
adults.
It is my pleasure to welcomethree guests to our conversation
(00:31):
, the first of which is StevenKershaw.
He is one of the founders ofthe Facebook page GOAT ( Goofing
Off Around the Triangle).
Born in Charleston, southCarolina, he's a world traveler
who now calls Raleigh home.
He has an undergrad in musictechnology and a master's in
information technology.
(00:52):
Steven spent some time as aBusiness Development Executive
Producer for Sony PicturesInternational in New York and
Berlin.
He's been a Division Directorof IT Help Desk in Berlin and a
school teacher in Charlotte.
Currently, he's a real estatebroker for the Raleigh- Durham
Triangle and Great Eastern NorthCarolina area.
(01:14):
Yuly Foley, who some also knowas Azy, is from Goshen, new York
, and now calls Holly Springshome.
She's lived in the area forthree years and loves to spend
her time surrounded by horsesand connecting with people
through social media groups.
She's a mom of two who loveshelping the community as much as
she can.
She passed the bar in her 20s,got into finances and became the
(01:39):
controller of an importantfashion company in New York City
for over 16 years.
Life pushed her to go for moreand now she also owns her own
small commercial photographybusiness called Azy Foley
Photography.
Our third guest, anothermoderator for the GOAT Facebook
group page is Samantha Kennedy.
Samantha grew up in New Jerseyand Florida, and then got
(02:03):
married and raised her childrenin Connecticut.
After the passing of herhusband in 2016, she decided to
move to Holly Springs the summerof 2020 with her two teens.
She enjoys volunteering at APlace at the Table and political
activism.
She's been a self-employedmarket research consultant for
(02:23):
24 years.
Without further ado, friends,let's dive in.
So we're just talking aboutmaking connections, finding
friends as adults, and howdifficult that seems to be.
So I guess I'll kind of startoff with I see it a lot on
social media.
I hear about it when I'm withgroups people feeling as adults
(02:45):
that they don't necessarily havea friend base and they find it
difficult to make friends asadults.
I think when we're younger,we're put into classrooms in
certain situations where we'realmost forced to be around
people and make friends, andthen for those who have children
, you go through kind of thesame thing, you make play dates
(03:05):
and then sometimes you play orhave connection with their
adults.
But if you don't have childrenor you're not in those sectors,
you don't necessarily have that.
Samantha Kennedy (03:18):
I definitely agree.
I think that most of life yousort of have a friend group
created for you school,university work and especially,
I think with what happened withCOVID and now with so many
people working remote, that ithas really exacerbated that
(03:39):
sense of isolation andloneliness and that for me, is
definitely what prompted me tojoin GOAT and benefit from all
these amazing people and storiesand the fun events.
But it is still hard to takethat first step.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (03:57):
It's true, and Stephen, you want to talk
about GOAT and introduce that.
Stephen Kershaw (04:01):
Yeah, I guess from where it comes.
I've always had a group offriends at least an inner circle
and an outer circle of friends,and living in New York and New
Jersey and then living in Berlinespecially, I started a group
in Berlin called FilmFour and wegot to about 5,000, 6,000
members and it was a networkingand it was especially kind of
cool because I wasn't a nativeGerman speaker and so, as all
(04:23):
these people and it was moreindustry related, you know, for
the film industry there wereeverything from writers, actors,
producers and so forth and wewould meet at least once a month
huge.
And then there were like somesmall other types of things that
would go on, as there was a lotgoing on in that industry in
the city and from there it wasjust like it was a very
(04:44):
interesting.
You know, I had a group offriends that had nothing to do
with that, but it was kind oflike oh right, social media is
just now coming about.
Back then and how we wereworking with it.
When I moved back stateside Iwent from a lot of people I know
and friends that I can alwayscall up and hang out with to
nothing, and for the longesttime it was nothing.
I became involved in arelationship and all we had were
(05:06):
her friends and people I workedwith and I was always so busy
it was never any time to makefriends and it was hurting and
we both knew it and it was likeit's not something I can deal
with very well.
Well, eventually thisrelationship came to an end and
when it did I was like I don'thave anyone and it was just
right.
After COVID.
We kind of clung on to beingfriends during the COVID phase
(05:29):
just to have something.
But when that came to about,you know, that came, came about
there was nobody there and Irealized I'm like what have I
been doing for almost a decade?
And instead of feeling whoa andsorry for myself, I'm like,
well, I know, professionally Iwas going to start a group to
attract people in and just kindof talk about moving to Raleigh,
coming to Raleigh, knowing yourneighborhood and so forth.
(05:52):
And by happenstance I was inSingle Parents of the Triangle
and I came across a thread wherepeople were talking about
making friends and there wasthis guy in there.
Oh, what the hell, how was itjust so damn hard for a grown
ass adult to make friends?
Blah, blah, blah.
And it was Patrick.
And I'm like well, dude, I'llbe your friend.
I agree with you 100%.
I think it's very difficult andwhen we were little kids, I
(06:15):
would be like you like toskateboard, so do I.
Wouldn't be best friends.
Good, here we are.
So why can't we do that asadults?
And so immediately he was likewell, what are you doing this
weekend?
I'm like I don't know, what doyou suggest?
Well, let's get together and dosomething, okay.
And all of a sudden you startgoing, well, wait a minute.
Like, all right, you know what,forget it and just go and do it
, and so forth.
And so we started talking aboutand I told him about my ideas
(06:39):
Well, I'm going to startsomething online.
He's like well, I need to dosomething for my friends,
because we need something betterthan a chat room to have like
events or so forth.
And I'm like well, let me tellyou my vision, because it's a
little bit more than that.
And he was like okay, all right.
And so I'm like you do realizeI'm going to have a few thousand
people in this thing when we'reall said and done, but we need
(07:00):
to explore the whole idea ofthat.
We're not.
It's not just commercial.
It's not just being aninfluencer or something like
that.
I really do want to kind ofproduce this fresh oxygen idea
of positivity.
Let's be friends, let's exploretogether, let's go out and do
things.
We don't even have to be bestfriends.
It can be outer circle, butmaybe inner circle too, it
(07:21):
doesn't matter, let's just gettogether and inspire each other.
And he was all about that and itwas like, okay, it was just the
right time and right place.
So we kind of started thiswhole thing.
I was like give me a few daysto write rules and do all that.
I was just a little skeptical,didn't want to jump in, but I
(07:41):
had no choice.
So we just jumped in andstarted it and within a few
weeks there were peopleinterested Very few, of course,
but you know, the whole idea waswell, let's give some hints,
take pictures of what we'redoing, take pictures of the most
mundane, goofy, geeky stuff.
People like real.
They don't want to seesuperstars, they don't want to
(08:02):
see, you know, ruby slippers onthe, you know, on the red carpet
.
They want to see real peopledoing real things, even if we
look like a bunch of doofusesdoing it.
And sure enough, I guess itcaught on and we're like hey,
well, come out and hang with us,we're completely, we're good,
you're not going to get mauledor pulled or offended or
anything like that.
We're really just looking tohave, honest to goodness,
(08:24):
relaxed, good time and maybe getto know our environments too.
And the whole idea was it'shard for adults to make friends
on top of the support ourcommunity and voila that, all
sort of just kind of this whole.
I almost want to say just likejust this mess of guts somehow
got processed and we smoothed itout as we went along.
(08:45):
Obviously it took a while, butthat's it in a nutshell.
Let's, let's make honest togoodness friends, let's not,
let's not have and I think a lotof people were so turned off by
some of the groups out therethat were a little bit rough
around the edges to say itkindly.
you know, with the foul languageand the vulgarity and the
offensity and so forth it was.
It was a little rough and I'mlike, no, can we just be like
(09:09):
real people, normal people, howwe would be in real life, and
not put on any airs and also letpeople know, hey, you don't
have to come out and take abunch of mouth from people or
something that might be a littleuncomfortable.
No, you should be able just tocome out and enjoy and be safe.
It's your safe space.
Feel good about what you'redoing and about who you're
mixing with.
Yuly (Azy) Foley (09:29):
What I've seen so far in these almost two
years, it's that the beauty ofnewcomers join the group and
then when you turn around,you'll see that they click with
others and then they become realfriends and it actually makes
you feel really, really goodabout it because if it wasn't
for this group, they will stillstay home and they will stay
(09:52):
feeling not complete.
I always say and that wastaught in my family that
loneliness takes 15 years lifeexpectancy and I always say I
want to live long and I want tohave fun.
So when I move here as Stephendid and everybody else in the
group I had no friends either.
So I say well, we have to putyourself up there and do you got
(10:17):
to just smile and just showthem that you are really honest,
that you don't have secondintentions, because people read
that in your eyes, people knowwhen you care and that attracts
more and more and more, and Ithink that's the success of this
group.
It's that we do welcome, we doask how you're feeling, how
(10:39):
you're doing.
Do you care?
What do you want to do,something online or offline?
And then when you turn aroundand it's like these amazing
groups they can follow us andlike, wow, look, they connected.
I had no idea that these peopleconnect and they have so much
in common, and to me it justmakes me very, very, very happy
and accomplished.
So I will continue doing eventsas soon as much as I can.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (11:03):
Awesome.
So the page we're talking aboutis a Facebook group called GOAT
(Goofing Off Around theTriangle), and, Samantha, do you
want to go into what broughtyou to join?
Samantha Kennedy (11:14):
So I moved to North Carolina June 30th of 2020
with my two teenage kids, covid.
Yay right, when it letquarantine ended.
I am also in a community thatis mostly married with young
kids and so felt very isolatedon so many levels, and my kids
(11:38):
are teenagers so I'm not goingto be able to utilize them to
create a network.
So a friend of mine knew that Iwas single and she said hey,
you want to go out?
And she invited me to one ofthe Goat events.
I was like, how did you findthese people?
And she told me about it and Iactually went to two events with
(11:59):
her before I even joined thegroup, because I wasn't sure
what to expect.
Social media don't have a lotof positive reactions to social
media, right?
So I'm thinking, oh God, ifthis is going to be another of
those groups and then you'rejust going to get all this like
grossness.
I didn't want that.
So I did join and I was a lurker, like a lot of people are, for
(12:22):
the first couple of weeks,trying to get a feel for the
affect of everyone.
The first time I went to anevent by myself, I was
definitely still nervous, eventhough I had met people
previously.
But you know, as Julie said,the mods, the administrators,
they take a very, they take avery personal responsibility to
(12:46):
all of the members and newcomersto make sure that the vision
that Stephen talked about comesto life.
So I noticed that Julie andStephen and Jessica and all of
these people made sure anybodywho was sort of wow, standing
off to their side they pulledthem in.
They made sure that no one wasfeeling left out.
(13:09):
And after my first event on myown, I thought what a great
group of human beings, because,at the base of it, we're all
looking for the very same thingconnection for people to care
for you and also for you to carefor them, because that's human
nature, yes, and to be stuck byyourself, you're like, oh, I
(13:30):
don't know what to do.
I've got all this stuff going oninside and to share it with
others is beautiful.
So, covid, moving down here,being old or being single, like
all of those demographic things,do not lend itself to creating
a new social environment.
And so I am ultimate, like sothankful and I think Stephen
(13:50):
knows this, he really I hope youknow this like how appreciative
I am of not only the vision tocreate it but to maintain that
environment and, since you know,stephen made me a mod.
I've seen the hard work he putsinto it and I've felt a very
personal, deep responsibility tocontinue that at any new events
(14:15):
and to make sure that all thesepeople who are searching for
the same thing can find it, andI thank you for that.
It's beautiful, it really is.
I hope it doesn't you know, themore people, the more work you
have to put into it.
But ultimately I think everyonereally does want to join
because they want to feel thatconnection with others and it
(14:35):
has been truly life changing forme.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (14:38):
So I separated back in January of
2020.
And we had been together for, Iguess, married 13 years, but
together for 20 years at thatpoint, and my philosophy is that
I can make friends with almosteveryone.
I can fit in pretty muchanywhere.
And so we moved from New Yorkto here in 2006, just after we
(15:02):
got married, and my goal was I'mgoing to let him make friends
and I'm going to make friendswith his friends, and then it
can be couple time and socialtime together.
I thought it was a great planuntil he realized he's not a
people person and he made zerofriends or just work friends or
a couple friends that he sawVery occasionally, and so,
(15:25):
through our marriage, I didn'treally have a friend group.
And then, once that was nolonger a thing, it was like, oh,
I'm going to have to worktowards this, and so I guess it
started a little bit prior 2019,I think it was is when I
decided I love dancing.
That is the only time when I goout and I can clear my head of
(15:49):
all the practicality, I can justbe me and tune out the world
and have a great time, and upuntil that point, I was always
waiting for somebody to inviteme to go, or I was waiting to go
with other people, and myexperience had been everybody
would say, oh yeah, we'll go,and then something would come up
(16:10):
and then nobody was going, andso then I wouldn't go.
And so back at that point I waslike OK, so my bucket list item
this year how I'm going to growoutside of my comfort zone Is
you will go dancing, even ifit's completely by yourself.
You will learn to becomfortable in the uncomfortable
.
And what I learned was oh mygosh, this is so much fun.
I can do this Like.
(16:32):
I felt safe enough to go out.
I had such a great time, and Ilearned a pretty valuable skill
in how to introvert whileextroverting in spaces where
there are a lot of people.
So I know, sometimes onFacebook and online I come
across as more extroverted, butI am such an introvert.
So that was a really, reallybig step for me.
(16:55):
And so when 2020 hit just gottenseparated I was decided well, I
guess my bucket list now is tomake friends, and that's what
I'm going to focus on, because Ihad my business.
It was successful.
I had my girls, they were at aplace where they didn't need me
all the time.
So I'm like, ok, I'm going tofocus on making friends.
(17:16):
And I came across like ATB isone of the groups on Facebook.
A new one had just formed,Social Singles of the Triangle.
It was at that point.
It's now Simply Socials of theTriangle, I believe.
But those had what I needed, bywhich there was a community who
set up events, who I couldcompare to my schedule and I
(17:40):
could say, oh, I can meet thatone and I don't have to do the
work, all I have to do is showup.
And the first event I went towas at some person's house who I
didn't know and they wereplaying Cards Against Humanity,
which I'd never played.
But I was able to kind ofintrovert and focus on the game.
But I met people who I stillhave some sort of relationship
(18:01):
with.
So that was very empowering togo out and meet a whole host of
people.
And, gosh, what did she make?
She made some sort of ice creamshot.
That was amazing, that I love,but it was just a really good
time.
And then, all of a sudden, well,the second event I went to was
dancing at some bar by which Iwent and I thought I was dancing
(18:24):
with people in the group cometo find out there were two
groups that were there and I waswith the wrong people but we
had a great time and I didn'tfind out until the very end,
when I went to thank the host,that I was not participating
with their group at all.
But I still have all thoseconnections and so eventually
(18:45):
the the simply socials that wasthe social singles, that one
originally.
Like.
I loved that group and theyreally did a great job of
setting up different events andbecause I'm always busy, it just
worked for me to be able to say, oh, there's an event here, I
can go to that.
And then the more events that Iwent to, the more people became
(19:08):
familiar, the less of astruggle it was to find ways to
talk with people because theywere no longer strangers and so
I was able to build conversationand experiences.
And what I noticed with thatgroup because it was set towards
singles, at some point all ofthe mods, or most of the mods
ended up coupling up with peopleand then the environment
(19:31):
changed a bit and they had tofigure out the next steps on how
to make the group still work,because in the beginning the
mods were setting up a lot ofthe events.
Anybody could set up an event,but what ended up happening was
because they were coupled, theydidn't have as much time or
their priorities changed, soless people were setting up
(19:51):
events and so there was justless ease of somebody not
setting up an event to just fitin and go.
And that was about the timethat I was introduced to GOAT,
You set up a variety ofexperiences for people, you
don't?
You're very inclusive, sosingle people can find
(20:14):
entertainment there.
Married couples can findentertainment.
I've never been to an event andfelt like any group was left
out.
I've met all sorts of peopleand everybody's there just
having a great time.
So I really appreciate it.
I find tremendous value in itand it's just.
I know the amount of work thatWell.
(20:36):
No, I don't know the amount ofwork that goes into it, but I
can guesstimate how much it is,and what I can fathom is
probably only 10% of what youactually have to do.
But just to know that youcreate all of these experiences
for people.
People show up, they have agreat time, but you're doing
some behind the scenes stuff too, I would imagine, making sure
(20:58):
the venues can handle the peoplewho might be coming.
Do you want to go into whatsome of the events that you host
are like and how that works?
Samantha Kennedy (21:09):
I would ask you to talk about the one that's
coming up.
The Roper Romp.
Yuly (Azy) Foley (21:13):
OK.
So the way I found this wassometimes you just come to my
feed on social media and I sawit and I found it very
interesting Everybody wearingthe same costume and it got my
attention.
Photography- wise, right, and Iwas like that sounds fun.
(21:34):
But then I just put it on theside and then somehow the next
day it shows up again and I'mlike, ok, well, that's, that's
telling me something, what'sgoing on in here?
So I started looking into itand I posted on Facebook on my
group, and say, hey, who wantsto join me?
No, knowing what actually wasabout, I just thought was just a
(21:57):
group of people dressing up,like this lady Helen, which I
didn't even know who it wasuntil I started looking into it
and the funny story about theshow and how the marriage
dynamic they have and thestereotypes about the neighbors
and the guy living with thegirls and thinking that he was
(22:17):
gay and he was not.
We touched back in the 70s somany cultural topics that to
today I found that still peoplehave some barriers and a point
of view and I say this is sointeresting.
And when I realized that it wascreated, this movement of not
(22:38):
only just dressing up and havinga beer and a cool place.
It's just to showing peoplewhat the script was about and
what the actually the intentionof the show was.
It was to me.
It really, really got myattention and I said, ok, well,
let's just see who wants to dareand dress up just like this
lady and see how many Hellionsare going to show up.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (23:01):
So what is the show called again?
Yuly (Azy) Foley (23:03):
Three's Company.
And going back in time todifferent types of events, it is
true it depends on the eventsyou bring.
You kind of attract thedifferent type of people.
Some of them they don't.
They feel more comfortable in asmaller environment, with a
smaller group, and others feel,no, they really, really wanted
(23:24):
to put themselves up there.
But it's not like, oh, Icreated a band and they want to
say, oh, I'm just going to gobecause I found it interesting.
Now and I usually do this and Iput it on when I create events I
would say please don't stayalone, don't stay home alone,
you have us.
And when people read thatsentence it really clicks on
(23:44):
them because all through themany events that we have created
so far, when I go, they alwayssay thank you Otherwise for
pulling that, because otherwiseI was still still home.
And surprisingly I just found Iclick with the people and now
like I feel very happy here.
Thank you for inviting me, andI'm like I will continue
(24:05):
inviting others and please justcontinue to join different
groups, because now you canintroduce these new friends of
yours who are somebody else thatwill be in the next event and
it's just like you know it's adomino effect.
When it's honest and it's withcare, it's, it's for me it's
just beautiful.
Organizing events well, it'stakes a little, depends of how
(24:29):
big and depends on the location.
It takes work, but I think thatall the moderators that we were
part of the group at the momentand we all had, we always
covered each other.
Like he said, I can't do ittoday, is somebody available?
And then anybody will jump andsay yes, I can do it while we're
(24:49):
coming in with you.
And then, surprisingly, youknow their calendar changes and
then, when you're there thinkingthat you're gonna be the only
one, everybody start coming inand then it's become the Coach
family with everybody andthey're.
It's always fun.
Stephen Kershaw (25:07):
Well, let me add the diagram of a great event
and there is something to itand I've been asked hey, write
out something very quickly tohelp people kind of get a clue.
How do you make an event from Ato Z and a lot of it?
The making the event is theeasy part.
It's the kind of promoting itand making it fun and so forth
(25:29):
is a little bit more difficultfor some people, but the whole
idea of the events and so forth.
From the beginning we're likewell, let's go out and do some
fun things, whether and I havethis saying whether four people
come or 40, it doesn't matter Ifyou're enjoying it and we're
enjoying each other's company.
And I will be honest with you,there are times where only four
people show up to something andI have a very intimate moment
(25:52):
with the folks and we just havegreat conversations and get to
know each other in differentways, and I'm absolutely okay
with that, as opposed to the 40,60, 80, 100 people around me
that, if I'm lucky, I barely getto have a few words and shake
hands and say hello to peopleand I basically have had a
conversation with no one.
However, as long as people arehaving fun and they're getting
(26:14):
to see oh good to see you again,and so forth.
But the events can be anywherefrom after dark, which, honestly
, when I started out, that'skind of where I was.
Let's find some interestingvenues Like, yeah, do something
that's fun, do something that'sa little swank, exotic, you know
what?
Dress up, wear something alittle bit more than business
(26:37):
casual, enjoy yourself, look thepart.
Let's get out and enjoy ourtown.
Let's bring it up a notch.
You know, and there was a lotof that going on, and sometimes
it was just by random, when we'dhear about things or oh,
there's a new, this going on, orso-and-so, dj is gonna be here,
and it didn't matter if youwere into it or not.
We're all together, we're allhaving good time.
But as it turned out like a lotof the events are anywhere from.
(27:00):
Some are family-oriented, someare daytime, some are hikes,
some are bar-oriented,dancing-oriented, foodie events,
even like a little bitintellectual.
We get together and discussthings like some of the book and
some of the just smaller events, sports.
We get together and play thingsor do things.
It's a little of everything andpeople will find their niche
(27:26):
and it's okay if someone doesn'tlike knowing that and whatever,
there's no way you can get7,000 people to go do the same
thing.
In fact, to be honest, it'sprobably about 5% of the group
that's actually active.
Obviously, we don't have eventswhere 7,000 people show up.
That would be quite something,and it's kind of funny.
Yuly (Azy) Foley (27:46):
It doesn't matter.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (27:47):
It doesn't matter.
Stephen Kershaw (27:49):
So I mean, everyone does a fantastic job of
doing some interesting and funthings and you know, at some
points sometimes we just say,okay, it's the same old place
with the same old bands playingor whatever.
We're having an event again ona Saturday night.
You know what?
Let's call it a beach party.
And before you know it,everyone oh my God, I gotta be
(28:09):
there.
It's a beach party.
Oh my gosh.
It's funny what a little bit ofpsychology will do or just kind
of get that buzz going withpeople and they bring the energy
and the energy's fun and youget inspired by it and they're
like, oh, thank you for doingthis.
I'm like, oh my gosh, thank youfor showing up with your energy
, you know, because you made it,you made the party and so, and
(28:31):
that kind of shows you also howthe members of the group are
really a participant.
You know it's symbiotic.
Yeah, we're all workingtogether, you know, to make this
fun thing.
You know, and I think we justkeep concentrating on that.
And hey, what can make us laugh?
(28:51):
What can we think aboutpositive?
Let's ask about the good thingsabout our day, not the bad
things.
And I'm quite surprised thatand I will say this, there are a
lot of people who may not agreeon a lot of socioeconomic,
political ideas that are havinga great time together, and they
would never know it.
Samantha Kennedy (29:09):
And you know what?
So be it.
Stephen Kershaw (29:11):
So what.
And I think that's proof of youknow, like, hey, we can all get
along.
Maybe we should avoid certaintopics that are really not
important for our lives, and sowe all get along and we're all
having a good time, and so I'drather not know certain things
or hear about certain things,mainly because they're a downer
(29:31):
man.
All right, I'm rambling on,let's.
Yuly (Azy) Foley (29:34):
And when people start coming more active
in a different type ofactivities sports or theater, or
that it changed their day everyday, and then it turns into
what I think is a constantpurpose in life.
It's not just go to work thesame routine, it's something
(29:57):
different.
That will change depends ofwhat your choices are and your
calendar allows it, but thenit'll give you something to look
forward to and then you'll belife.
Become richer and become richer.
You'll appear when you'rehappier.
You live longer.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (30:13):
That's what I mean, that's what I mean.
Actually, I was looking up someof that stuff today and did you
know that loneliness or socialisolation can be just as
damaging for your health assmoking cigarettes for 15?
Yuly (Azy) Foley (30:28):
years 15 years .
Amanda Benbow Lunn (30:30):
Six drinks a day every single day, like
social loneliness is worse thana lot of addictions and other
things.
Some of the statistics I foundif you have a lot of social
isolation you have a 50%increased risk of dementia, 29%
increased risk of heart disease,32% increased risk of stroke.
(30:53):
So I know we get busy.
It's hard to do self-care, it'shard to think that.
Going out and making friendsand establishing these
connections sometimes wede-prioritize that.
But that can be one of the mostsimple things that we can do
for our own health and for ourcommunity's health.
(31:14):
It helps to.
Some of what you were speakingto, stephen, was bringing the
humanity to one another.
We can see that more clearlywhen we go to events like this.
We let topics sometimespolitical stuff, religion, those
topics that might be verypolarized Sometimes we can enter
(31:35):
those discussions more easilybecause we have that basis of
humanity.
We see each other as people, ashumans, and not just somebody
somewhere who doesn't understandlife.
They don't experience it.
So I do think it makes a lotricher in the connections.
And another thing that you kindof brought up, yuli, was
(31:57):
something that I experienced.
So I was always waiting to beinvited to do something.
I was waiting for somebody toinvite me and what I came to
realize was that so many peopleare very much like me.
We're all waiting for theinvitation, we're all waiting to
feel included, we're allwaiting to feel like we belong
(32:19):
and because we're all in thatsame situation.
So I'm not 100% sure, but Ifeel like y'all are probably all
extroverts and the introvertslike me fully appreciate you.
Every time I go to an eventlike you're right, samantha,
people are bringing people in Ifthey're on the outside of the
circle, like I've seen y'allengaged with these people.
(32:40):
You've engaged with me and somany of us absolutely need that.
But once you get the hang of itlike I see the pattern then I
start to do it.
Yuly (Azy) Foley (32:50):
Then there was an event, the switch.
It switches from introvert tosounds how extrovert.
And then you feel socomfortable that you're like
okay, nothing worse is gonnahappen than just say no to me.
And I'm like okay.
So then you just keep going,and going, and going, when you
realize you're surrounded byamazing people.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (33:10):
And so there was an event last year that
Yuly you set up Dancing atAlchemy by which I just put out
in Facebook.
So when I was having thosemoments 2019, where I realized I
was always waiting for somebodyto invite me, I sometimes, when
I go out, I'll just put out ageneral invitation of hey, I'm
(33:31):
going out dancing or doing X, yand Z.
If anybody wants to come, feelfree.
And let whoever sees it onFacebook, whoever knows about it
, feel like that's an openinvitation, because I would have
loved that.
And so sometimes what we needis what other people need.
And so that night, when I wentout dancing, I just put a
general message out hey, I'mgoing, the group is going out
(33:54):
dancing here.
If you're not doing anything,if you don't want to be alone,
if you just want to come hangout, feel free.
By which somebody on my friendslist sent me a message and said
hey, do you mind if I come?
And I said sure, and that endedup being the man that I married
a few months after that.
So I wasn't looking for thatconnection, but I was able to
(34:15):
find it because of this group,because of y'all getting
together, setting up events,creating spaces for people to
interact and just find peoplewho you resonate with, so I
truly appreciate it.
Stephen Kershaw (34:30):
I have no shame , I am seriously and I've got
this and I've gathered this overthe years.
You're talking to somebody inany language, because that can
vary, but I've noticed somethingvery similar with when people
are getting to know each other.
You can tell when people arethankful.
I'm so glad you came over andtalked to me because I really
(34:50):
wanted to do the same but Icouldn't.
So thank you.
But they're not saying that.
You could just see it in theireyes and they're just delighted
that they had the opportunity todo that.
Like, thank goodness the ice isbroken.
Who cares?
Who started the conversation?
What are you doing now?
Well, I'm about to leave hereand there's a really cool bar
like 30 stories up, and when Iwanna go, yeah, and you know,
(35:14):
like before you know it, andI've had this so many times with
strangers just they werestrangers and before the night
was out, you're just liketalking about real things and
then you're laughing aboutstupid things.
You have your like moments andgoing through it, and you know
when people are letting downtheir guard a little bit.
You know, and I take that as acompliment, if you can let down
your guard and I can let down myguard a little bit.
(35:35):
You just kind of you know youare looking for a connection at
that point and you're like youknow, I don't know Ralph, Ralph,
what an awesome time tonight.
It was great meeting you.
We need to do this again.
And he's like, yeah, that's it,and that's what I'm talking
about.
Like I didn't know you 24 hoursago.
I had no idea you existed, andhe probably had no idea.
(35:58):
He wanted to.
I'm so glad someone else tookthe first step, or he took the
first step and we all feel that.
And so what you were justsaying?
You're right, I think we do.
I think we're kind of happysometimes when someone else
extends an invitation.
I get into moments, too, whereI'm kind of happy with people.
Don't believe that about me.
(36:19):
I love my knee time and I willcrawl in and sometimes it takes
me a little bit.
Not long ago, a few weeks ago,drag me out to Amberley local
and I didn't really want to talkto anybody or do it.
And as soon as I get there andI start listening to people's
conversations, I just became soinspired and happy.
Before you know it.
I was just like, yeah, I'm glad.
Samantha Kennedy (36:39):
I'm here.
Stephen Kershaw (36:40):
And I would have been happy just to go.
You know I'm gonna lay in bedand watch Netflix and I felt so
much more invigorated andenergized for some of that and
just getting to know someone alittle bit better, you know.
Samantha Kennedy (36:54):
I want to just build on that a little bit,
because one of the things thatI've noticed and I've been in
the group since maybe thebeginning of the year is seeing
members who flourish.
You start to see individualmembers who maybe were always a
little bit of a wallflower,standing off to the side, gain
(37:15):
confidence as they go to thesedifferent events and meet people
and feel accepted and then theyby turn start saying I can do
this right.
They're accepting of me.
And then you see other peoplecreating events themselves,
people that may not have whenthey first started, and that's a
(37:37):
beautiful thing to see, whenyou see one person start to feel
better about themselves andhave more value for what they
can offer, and I've seen that inthe few months that I've been a
member, and that's anotherthing that I'm deeply
appreciative of.
There are a lot of Facebookgroups and social circles and
(38:00):
they tend to be sort of insular,in that there's a commonality
that brings them together.
To begin with, the commonalitywith GOAT is really about
needing to find connections andeveryone wants that and you see
it like I've seen differentpeople and I felt it myself Like
this is beautiful, it really isthe amazing personalities I
(38:23):
mean just you three on my screenright now represent such a
different era as well as adifferent vibe and you all have,
but just and then max times 100.
Stephen Kershaw (38:37):
I mean just the amazing differences that you,
you, you mean in differentpeople that can inspire you
differently, even someone thatyou may think, oh well, you know
, they're just kind of more of adrinking buddy and whatever Are
they.
You have that one night whereyou go out and all of a sudden
they're discussing somethingthat's very serious to them and
I need some and like the depth,and then you're inspired to
(38:59):
research your own depth in thatand I know I'm going a little
abstract here but neverthelessI'm extremely thankful to meet
all these differentpersonalities and all your
talents and all your own and allyour interesting topics and
even though I may not alwaysexpress it, but people and you
(39:19):
know, and it seems like I putsomething on the group and get a
lot of engagement.
I go through every singlecomment and I'm looking, I'm
reading and I find myselfreading and fascinated what the
answers are.
Some of them are goofy, some ofthem are repetitive, and then
there are things that in thereand like, oh, and they all have
value.
And you think, well, who wastestime reading all that?
Well, me, a lot of people, andI do know people.
(39:45):
And then you meet someonerandomly and you're like you put
the name to go oh, you were theperson that wanted to be
stranded on a desert island withBrad Pitt.
Yeah, awesome.
How did you remember that?
How do you tknow ?
And I'm like you told me andalso the value of the can offer.
Yuly (Azy) Foley (40:08):
You know between each other, like so many
, they have connected and thenonce can provide a service that
the other one needed.
And it's been amazing how yousee like, oh, I need somebody,
Can somebody do this?
And it's like yeah, yeah, yeah,I can do it.
I can do it and you're like,wow, this person is an engineer
and electronics and then do that.
(40:28):
Wow, you will never imagine soit is.
It's always very, veryempowering and which yes, but
it's positive.
Samantha Kennedy (40:37):
It's positive networking.
It's not just about I want tomake money.
It's about wanting to helpother members in the group,
which is very different, andthat's sure I mean.
Stephen Kershaw (40:50):
It's great and you have a great responsibility
with that too, because there'salmost a level of trust that
you're, that you're conceding tolike, oh, we're in this group,
so I should know you.
And then all of a sudden you'relike, yeah, that's right, we
know each other.
You better step your game up ofall.
Yeah, you're right, and sothere's a level of trust there
(41:10):
with that as well.
So that kind of networking andcommunity is important and I'm
happy to support somebody and ifthey feel like they have to
work a little extra hard, good,good for them.
They're growing, as I am aswell.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (41:24):
Some people discount online groups or social
media, but what I find in thesegroups are it depends on my
energy and especially as anintrovert, especially as
somebody who's shy, like I, liketo vet out people.
I like to understand thedifferent groups dynamics,
(41:45):
different people's dynamics,what their energy is like,
because in some ways I'm alittle chameleon I can fit into
all the places, but I just needto know who am I going to be
here.
And it's not that I'm notmyself, but different groups,
different personalities,different energies bring out
different energy in me.
So I appreciate the differentposts and the threads and
(42:08):
sometimes I'm a silent lurkerand I'm just reading and I'm
like, oh my gosh, that was sobeautiful.
This person was so vulnerablein this moment.
And for people to create spaceswhere people feel comfortable
being vulnerable, it's prettydarn amazing.
And when one person gets thecourage to be that vulnerable,
(42:28):
it opens it up for anotherperson to feel like, oh, I'm
safe here.
I'm safe here, I can trust them.
I'm not saying that we trusteverybody with the keys to our
car and our house and to watchour children.
There are different levels oftrust, but it creates a
foundational level so that wecan see them as human beings.
(42:50):
And then when you go out to theevents which I encourage
everybody to do you get to putthe faces to it, which sometimes
I have difficulty with becauseI'll see the little circles of
their profile picture and I justmake assumptions.
Sometimes I'm like, oh, you'rea lot taller or shorter, or wait
, that was your daughter.
You're not face that Iassociate with this name.
(43:12):
So it's always fun andinteresting, but it you smell
worse than I thought you would.
No, thank goodness Facebookdoes not have smells.
Stephen Kershaw (43:23):
Sensitive community is what you're saying,
community.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (43:26):
Thank you.
I can feel the connectionbefore I go out and that helps
me to feel more comfortablegoing out because there's
already that base connection.
But if you don't go out, youare also losing an opportunity
for that connection, to deepenthat connection, because only so
much can be transferred througha computer or a phone or a
(43:49):
device.
You're really missing out.
What are things that you feelhold people back from attending
events?
Stephen Kershaw (43:59):
Before we go on this next topic, I have some
bad news.
I have to get going.
I do have an appointment at7.30 in another town and I have
to get on my way.
But just as it was gettinginteresting, because that is a
really good topic, that sounds alittle bit more like I'm
interested in, because we'realways exploring those things
you know as far as we want tomake people feel comfortable,
(44:22):
Just get out once and we got you.
But at the same time, yeah,we're always trying to.
Yeah, it's a great topic.
I'm very sorry.
No worries, thank you for theinvite.
It was a pleasure, and it'salways a pleasure listening to
people's experiences.
I learned so much from thatAwesome Well thanks for joining
in.
(44:42):
I feel like a student and Ifeel like you guys have applied
something to my classroom.
Sure, you know not to soundselfish, I'm just here to absorb
, but it was very interesting tolisten to everyone's point of
view.
Thank you, awesome.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (44:56):
We all have something to teach one another
and no one from everybody.
Always always, every day.
Stephen Kershaw (45:04):
All right, we'll take care and I wish you a
great night and a due Bye, bye,bye.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (45:12):
All right, we'll try to be quick and wrap
up Some of the things that holdpeople back.
What do you think that might bee
Yuly (Azy) Foley (45:19):
And I think that the most to me is just
confidence, how they feel.
It's like the own barrier intheir own minds Look, I'm going
to be accepted, I'm not going tobe accepted, or do I look like
them or do I look different.
All people start imagining allthese things.
And then the but it goes beyond.
(45:40):
It's not only to a social group, it's like the own perception
that they have about themselves.
To go anywhere, to go to themovie by themselves, to go to a
sit down in a restaurant bythemselves, to.
It's just that fear.
And as soon as you show themthat we're having fun, and then
they're welcome and then this isa safe place, then it's like,
(46:01):
okay, I'm just going to try andsee how many people have tried.
And then they say, oh, Irecognize you, Are you?
I see, I can recognize yourface, You're all over the place.
I'm like, yeah, yeah, Can Igive you a hug?
The first thing I always do isI'm so happy you're here, Can I
give you a hug?
And I go hug Like they look atme like I'm not telling them.
(46:21):
I'm like, yeah, hug.
And then I go, yes, of course.
And as soon as you hug them formore than three seconds.
It totally changes and theyrelax.
And then they start conversingwith other people and then I
introduce them to two or threeand then sometimes I'll make
sure that they're talking tosomebody.
And there they go and it changedcompletely.
(46:44):
It changed completely.
And then they bring theirfriends and then they're not
alone anymore.
Oh, look, they're doing this,Come on.
And then they put tag theirfriends.
Then, hey, look, they're doingsomething fun.
Do you want to go?
And then you'll see them, youknow coming, and I'll bring it.
Oh, are you seeing Clarita inthe group?
Because I had so much fun.
But it's just confidence.
To me that's like the firstthing that the catch potato that
(47:08):
they don't want.
They want to have fun but theydon't want to leave the couch.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (47:13):
That's kind of a good thing I know, not the
first, I think it was the firstevent I went to.
That was at a place and Ididn't know anybody.
So I had the anxiety to chooseto go and then I made that
decision.
I drove like 30 minutes to getthere and then I sat in the
parking lot and had anotherdiscussion with myself and I'm
like you don't have to go in,you're what if you can't find
(47:34):
the people?
That's going to be so awkwardand I almost talked myself out
of going.
I'm pretty sure I sat in theparking lot for half an hour and
then finally I was like no, youcan do this, you should do this
, it's not going to hurt, you goin.
And I did and I had a greattime and I people recognize me
or I recognize them.
We were able to startconversations.
So I think, yes, that fear isvery common.
(47:56):
A lot of people share that.
Yuly (Azy) Foley (47:58):
I remember my what my first group was a TV and
I walked in on to the Christmasdinner and by the time I got
there everybody were alreadysitting down on the table and
there was no space for me.
So there was just one littletable in the corner, like the
punished kid in the corner, andI had two options.
(48:18):
Turn around, I said hello, thehost came and said hello and
then he went off, sat down.
I didn't introduce me toanybody and I did not.
I feel very uncomfortable atthe moment for that.
But then I say I got twochoices either just get dressed
up or ready makeup or whatever,and then just go home or go and
sit on that little table andsomebody will come.
(48:39):
And I did.
I went and sat down on the tableby myself and I see this girl
turn around, look at me, I smile, she smile and to today she's
one of my best friends.
Judy say to me, she got up andshe came and say would you mind
if I sit with you, Right?
So I kind of rather to have myown table.
And I'm like oh, you're one ofmine, I like that and this
(49:04):
beginning of beautiful,beautiful relationship and I'm
super, super happy that I stay,because sometimes you don't know
, sometimes you just go byyourself and just say I want to
go to the movie theater, but youknow, by myself.
Or I want to go and have adrink in that new place, but by
myself.
And as soon as you sit down andyou turn around, you have
somebody that feeling the sameway that you and then you have
(49:27):
so much in common and then whenyou realize you're like having a
great time you might not seethem ever again.
But at the same time, you had agreat experience that moment,
that day, in that presence, andI always vouch for that.
You have to just put yourselfup there.
Samantha Kennedy (49:41):
I think that people look at other people and
make certain judgments based onwhat they see.
But I think ultimately,everyone has a level of
insecurity about some part ofthem, whether it's aesthetic,
whether it's their educationlevel, no matter what it is, or
(50:02):
something that holds them back,and that insecurity can become
overwhelming.
Being able to overcome that ishard, and I think it becomes
much harder the older you get,because it gets more ingrained.
So one of the things that I'vesort of realized is you got to
(50:22):
walk through life with a smileon your face.
People are not going toapproach you if you look like
this, but if you're standing ata bar, if you're sitting at a
restaurant, even when you're byyourself and you have a smile on
your face, you are approachableand that is you attract what
you give.
(50:43):
But getting over that initialinsecurity, like everyone, has
to work through that themselves,and I think one of the things
that the mods do work reallyhard on is creating an
environment, at least online,that says we're not judging.
None of us are judging.
We just want to get to knoweach other, whether it's a silly
(51:05):
meme, whether it's somethingmore serious.
Someone posted recently thatthey have special needs children
and wants to create a communityfor the parents and the
children, and that takes a levelof bravery and being able to
overcome that.
But what helps is theenvironment that is in the
(51:26):
online group.
It's not toxic.
When things get a little bittoxic, Patrick and Steven do a
great job of putting the keyboshon that we are not here for
that.
We're not here to pull anyonedown.
We're here to lift everyone upso that you can feel that level
of security and that safety.
(51:47):
To say this is a very personalthing for me Talking about your
children, oh my gosh.
But to share it with 6,000complete strangers is a
testament to the environmentthat they created online that I
think they've done a great jobof then translating into the
real life experiences that wehave together.
So I'm hopeful that, as peoplethat are sort of the lurkers,
(52:12):
that they continue to be onlineand they see this is really
positive.
People are helping each other.
People care about each other.
We're sharing moments and ourpersonal lives with each other.
That that gives them a littlebit of comfort to say, okay,
yeah, I'm not perfect, but youknow what I want?
To go, have fun.
These people seem like they'refun.
They seem like they're going towelcome you with open arms and
(52:33):
give you that three second hug,like Yuly said, and I think that
that is happening more and more, which is fabulous, right.
But, everyone has their ownjourney to take.
But again there's no pressurelike oh, you're going to get
kicked out because you've nevercome to an event.
No, you can stay and you canlurk until you find the comfort
level that you need to get outin real life.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (52:56):
And just as a side note for those listening,
it is not a dating group.
Everybody is welcome.
The idea is to come in and beyourself and let people see who
you are and find connection on aplatonic level with those that
are in the group.
Now that is the best way to goabout finding somebody that you
(53:16):
may want to consider dating.
But it provides that space sothat everybody's there just for
the friendship, just for theconnection, and then, once you
meet somebody, if you have thatlevel, then you can progress.
But that's not what the groupis about.
Samantha Kennedy (53:31):
Thank you for that.
I mean, uly Y did, you did,steven did.
So it's going to happenorganically, but it's going to
happen in a way that you feelsafe.
Yes, right, you get to knowsomebody, you get to spend time
with them, and then, if thathappens, yay, go for it,
beautiful.
If it doesn't, you have acommunity and a network of
(53:54):
people to share small, littleindividual events with, or these
big, larger fun festivals.
There's something for everybody.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (54:05):
I love.
It All right Any closingremarks?
Yuly (Azy) Foley (54:08):
I think it's this position.
You have to have this positionto do things and to achieve
goals, Starting from there.
Starting with you want friends,then you have to work to get
friends.
You are a partner.
You have to work in yourselffirst and then put yourself up
there and then you will attract,with a beautiful smile that
(54:30):
Samantha was talking about, youattract the right energy that
comes to you.
And it clicks without eventrying hard.
It just, it just works very,very smoothly, because that's
where the universe supposed tobe.
That's how it actually works.
For closing, I think we live inan amazing city where there is
so many different types ofpersonalities and very rich,
(54:53):
because we all move to a statewhere we're blessed with a
beautiful weather that allows usto do so many things as a
community, and I think there isno reason to be home alone and
feeling miserable.
There is no reason.
There is so much you can do, noonly party.
You can do charity work, whichwe also provide events for
(55:15):
charity work.
You can help others throughchurch or through local
communities.
It's just think, it's justfinding a purpose in life
besides just having a regularroutine of working, coming home
and sleep and then repeat.
I think it's just when you putyourself up there and bringing
more people into your life, itchanges, and it changes always
(55:35):
for the best.
So just do it.
Samantha Kennedy (55:37):
My parting words would be be brave, be
brave.
You know that first step is thehardest, but once you take that
first step it's, you find yourstride, you take the next step
and it gets so much easier fromthere.
Awesome.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (55:50):
Well, thank you both for doing all that you
do and for welcoming everybodyand making me feel welcome and
included and just bringing funto my life.
I truly appreciate y'all.
Thank you, amanda, thank youfor the best.
Yuly (Azy) Foley (56:03):
Goodbye.
Amanda Benbow Lunn (56:05):
And that brings this episode of the Holly
Springs Deep Dive podcast, soonto be called the NC Deep Dive
to to a lose Thank you forjoining in today.
I wish you a very happyThanksgiving.
May it be filled with food,family and friends, and if you
could use some assistance withthe latter, I highly recommend
(56:25):
checking out the Facebook pagecalled Goat goofing off around
the triangle.
I will try and put a directlink into the show notes.
Check out their page,participate in the conversation
threads, pour over the variousevents and find those who
resonate with your soul.
There's truly something foreveryone, and if you ever see
any of us out, please make sureyou say hello.
(56:47):
We love putting a face to aname and would love to help you
find your people.
As always, if you have anytopics or thoughts you'd like to
share, you may do so throughsocial media or bmailing
mailing e emailing hhollyspringspodcast@gmail
ollyspringspodcast@gmail.hollyspringspodcast@gmail.
.
.
gmailcom.
gmail.
com you found value in today'sepisode, I'd love for you to
subscribe, rate and review it,and be on the lookout for at
(57:10):
whollyspringsdeepdivecom.
hollyspringsdeepdivecom atwwwhollyspringsdeepdivecom,
apple Podcast, spotify, audibleor wherever you currently listen
to your podcast.
Until next time, my friendsNamaste, the love and light in
me sees and honors the love andlight in you.
(57:30):
Thank you.
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