September 17, 2024 • 20 mins
Hello! 👋 send me a text message! Tell me what your thoughts 💭 are about this episode
Could discovering a buried family secret reshape your entire existence? Join me, as I recount my journey of uncovering the truth about my biological father.
I'm also thrilled to feature Alesia Weiss, a retired RN, an Army vet and writer, who has dedicated her life to supporting NPEs (Not Parent Expected). Alesia founded a resource center website - NPEN - nursing for NPEs as well as a Facebook group called DNA Identity Surprise and This NPE Life, offering invaluable support to those facing similar life-altering revelations.
Whether you're navigating your own NPE journey or are simply intrigued by these powerful stories, this episode offers a beacon of support and community. 🫶
📣LINKS! 📣
⬇️⬇️⬇️
- julierogers@nearestanddearestpodcast.com(send me your own personal story! I would be honored to share it, with your permission, on a future episode!)
- www.nursingfornpes.com ✅out Alesia Weiss' resource center website
- www.facebook.com/groups/thisnpelife✅out this private Facebook group for NPE's
- https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/beyond-well-with-sheila-hamilton/id1456050183?i=1000668877839 ✅out Alesia's interview with Sheila Hamilton's podcast Beyond Well
- https://www.nearestanddearestpodcast.com ✅ out my website for more episodes & show notes/links! 📝
- https://www.speakpipe.com/NearestAndDearestPodcast Please leave me a recorded message - up to 90 secs 🗣I'll send you one back! 🎤
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Julie Rogers (00:06):
No one ever said life is easy, but I believe by
giving yourself permission, youwill find you have more control
over your life than you realize.
I'm Julie.
I hope you will join me bytaking responsibility for
yourself, by only controllingthe things you can and letting
go of the things that you can't.
By doing this, you will havediscovered the secret to having
(00:31):
happy, healthy and morefulfilling relationships.
This is Nearest and DearestPodcast.
I'm Julie Rogers and you arelistening to Season 3, episode
11, NPE - Not Parent Expected.
NPE is also known as anon-paternity event.
(00:53):
Genetically speaking, thismeans there was a situation in
which someone who is presumed tobe an individual's father is
not, in fact, the biologicalfather.
For me when I shared with youin my first episode, Owning My
Truth, it was very freeing toacknowledge that I found my
(01:18):
biological father, but what Ididn't give you in detail was
how I processed this revelation.
For anyone who has gone throughthis life-altering experience,
the one common thread thatspeaks loudly is your life will
never be the same again.
(01:38):
I have had both positive andnegative emotions.
Overall, I feel very grateful.
I always felt different in myfamily not just because of my
physical traits compared to mydad and siblings while growing
(01:58):
up, but other genetic traitsthat are behavioral, like my
personality and creativity.
I felt like I was looking at mydad and trying to find
something that connected me tohim.
After my parents divorced, Ireally only saw him on Sundays
(02:23):
at his home with my stepmotherand siblings.
When he remarried, he called usafter the ceremony and wanted
to come by and pick us up tocelebrate.
I was around 12.
I remember feeling so mad thatwe weren't invited to the
(02:44):
ceremony so I didn't go to thatcelebration.
It was a moment of me feelingdisconnected to him.
On those Sundays, dad wouldpick us up and we would visit
with him from lunch throughdinner.
Then he would drop us back hometo where we lived with our mom.
(03:07):
As I got older and busier withmy own teen years, I didn't
always go on Sundays.
I just wasn't close to him.
I felt unenthusiastic wheneverI was around him.
By the time I was 17, mom movedmy youngest sister and I to
(03:30):
Connecticut.
Once there, I married thefollowing year and lived there
for over 20 years.
I didn't see my dad very oftenthroughout those years.
Even when I would come back toNew York to visit family, I
didn't always take the time togo and visit with him.
(03:50):
There was this weird thing,though, about my actual birthday
.
For quite a long while I wastold my birthday was February
2nd, Groundhog Day.
It was always a funny joke inmy family, but eventually I came
across my birth certificate andit clearly said February 1st.
(04:14):
Even though I showed theevidence of this, my dad and
siblings would hold on to thatjoke, that I was born on
Groundhog Day.
To this day, I still don'tunderstand why Dad claimed that.
I was used to him not feelingcomfortable in the presence of
(04:37):
my mom.
I had always known Dad's angertowards her after the divorce
was always there, coming up tothe surface if any of us asked
him for money as kids, and hewould say that's why I give your
mother child support, meaning,don't ask him for any.
(04:59):
So I didn't.
I started babysitting at 12,and I would use that money to
buy myself the things I wanted.
My parents worked hard theirwhole lives and were raising six
kids.
There wasn't much extra to goaround.
We just knew how bitter Dad wastowards Mom.
(05:22):
It was an unspoken truth.
I never took the opportunity toask him why he was so angry
when it came to our mom.
I didn't have that kind ofrelationship with him to talk
about real concerns or thingsthat bothered me.
(05:42):
I can only speculate.
It affected our whole lives.
Even once we all started havingour own families, we could
never have had both mom and dadin the same bleachers for a
sporting game, let alone sharingany family celebrations
(06:05):
together.
It just wasn't going to happen.
Because of all of this, I wasgrieving a close father-daughter
relationship that I never hadwith my dad.
I'm not saying it was toxic ormean-spirited.
(06:26):
It was just not fulfilling forme.
On the flip side, I wasextremely close to my mom.
She introduced me to communitytheater, something that we both
loved to do.
I sometimes was able to go toher rehearsals and watch her.
(06:49):
She came to all the plays I wasin.
Even though it was going to bemy senior year in high school
when we moved from New York toConnecticut.
I wanted to see her happy.
When her relationship endedwith a man who couldn't commit
(07:10):
to her and she moved back to NewYork with my youngest sister
after I got married.
I understood her pain.
My mom was always the mostconstant, positive, loving
mother I could have ever askedfor.
(07:32):
I will never know why she didn'ttell me that there was a chance
that dad wasn't my biologicalfather.
Again, I can speculate.
It comes up every now and then,especially when someone who has
listened to my podcast or haveshared my truth with asks the
(07:55):
question did your mom think youhad a different father?
It's been over eight yearssince I did the sibling DNA test
with my youngest sister, whichcatapulted me to start
processing the fact that I havea different biological father
(08:18):
compared to my other siblings.
This realization wasn't a realsurprise to me or my siblings,
but at the other end of thistruth was a hidden, deep-rooted
secret inside my mom.
(08:39):
Was it shame?
She was in an unhappy marriagewith my dad.
She was 30 years old, raisingmy three older brothers and
dealing with an alcoholichusband.
I found out by asking my oldestbrother, Mike, who is nine years
(08:59):
older than me, where Mom workedin the summer of 1965 when I
was conceived.
I had no idea she was acocktail waitress at a local
bowling alley in Watertown.
(09:25):
Having to talk to my sistersabout this, they remember her
sharing this particular job overthe years with them, but she
never shared that info with me.
By revealing this knowledge tomy biological father,J oe, in
October 2019, when he was tryingto piece together how my mom
(09:46):
knew him, it started to spellthings out.
Joe was in the Army at the time.
He was back home from theservice.
He told me he would go to thebowling alley a few times a week
that summer along with some ofhis friends.
By giving her name and a photoof when she was younger, he
(10:12):
remembered her fondly.
I believe my mom was looking fora distraction.
From what my brother, Mike,told me, she didn't work at the
bowling alley for long.
Dad didn't want her workingnights and wanted her home with
the boys.
Mom left working there andnever saw Joe again.
(10:44):
Could it be that she put thatmoment of indiscretion so far
away in her mind and focused ontrying to survive a challenging
marriage?
How could she have not noticedhow very different I looked,
with no resemblance from my dad?
Why couldn't she tell me therewas a real possibility that,
(11:10):
because of that moment ofindiscretion that she chose,
could have led to my conceptionwhen I asked her years prior to
the beginning of her dementia?
Speculation is what we tellourselves when we don't have all
(11:33):
the answers we long for.
I have used it over the yearswhen trying to understand my
mom's thinking and my dad'sanger.
I have been reflecting moreabout how I didn't go into a
depression or have any angertowards my mom.
(11:56):
I think because of my age atthe time of discovery, 50 when I
had the proof from the siblingDNA test and 53 when I found
Joe, along with the fact that mymom was battling dementia, in
the last stages of her life,gave me more gratitude and peace
(12:21):
.
I had the power within myselfto intentionally ask the hard
questions, stir up difficultrealizations from my family's
past and do the work to discoverthe unknown which would link me
to what I deserved to know.
(12:44):
As human beings, each of usdeserve to know where we came
from.
We can't choose our biologicalidentities, but what we can
choose is to decide, no matterhow the truth finally comes out,
(13:06):
what to do with it.
I have had those moments when Iwonder how my life would have
been if I knew earlier in mylife who my biological father
was.
I can't help but feel I havemissed out on some relationships
(13:27):
that could have contributed tomy overall well-being.
Since Joe has been in my life.
I have met a lot of my extendedfamily over these last five
years.
To start with, seeing suchfamiliar looking faces that
match some of my own physicalcharacteristics has been surreal
(13:51):
.
I have been hearing stories,along with photos, about my
grandparents andgreat-grandparents.
My great-grandparents were thefirst to immigrate from Italy
through Ellis Island.
Both my paternalgreat-grandparents immigrated
(14:12):
from Italy.
The fact that the Storinos wereliving in Watertown, the same
city I was while growing up, isunbelievable to me.
To be honest, I wasn't lookingfor a new family.
(14:33):
I love my family.
It wasn't about them.
It was about me needing to findmy identity.
I remember watching TV showslike Long Lost Family, which
aired in 2016, and feeling veryemotional.
(14:59):
My dad passed from lung cancerin 2003.
There was something inside methat longed to find my answers.
So, with dad gone and mombattling Alzheimer's, I knew I
(15:20):
had to be Sherlock Holmes, withthe hope of finding all the
puzzle pieces that would connecttogether.
I have no regrets about myjourney.
Having Joe and Sharri in mylife is a true gift.
I have met wonderful relativeswho have shown a genuine
(15:46):
interest in me.
I went to Italy last year andvisited the Calabria region
where my paternal ancestors arefrom.
I even have an interest intrying to locate some family
that still may reside in thatarea.
(16:07):
A friend who has relatives inthe same area, who speaks and
writes Italian, is doing asearch for me.
Through a website she found,that could possibly help.
I gave her mygreat-grandparents' names and
date of births, along with theareas they were born.
(16:34):
A lot has changed in my lifesince I found Joe.
I got to have closure with mymom before she passed.
I have gained parents, alongwith another family that has
been very loving to me, myhusband, my children and
grandchildren.
I don't believe there can everbe too much love.
(16:59):
I have recently joined aFacebook group called DNA
Identity Surprise and This NPELife.
I want to read other NPEsjourneys and feel that
connection, that only otherslike me, have experienced.
(17:21):
I have always believed, that byconnecting with others who have
experienced similar journeys,no matter how difficult,
challenging or gut-wrenchingthose life journeys are, can
help us feel we are not alone.
(17:44):
Alesia Weiss, who is a retiredRN, Army vet, writer and is the
creator of this Facebook group,also is the creator of the
Resource Center website calledN-P-E-N Nursing for NPEs.
Alesia also was on a podcasttitled Beyond Well with Sheila
(18:12):
Hamilton.
She shared some of her ownpersonal NPE journey that she
discovered in a recent episode.
I will share hyperlinks undermy show notes if you would like
to learn more about the Facebookgroup or the website she
founded, which is to help otherNPEs navigate this forever
(18:37):
life-changing process that keepsevolving, along with a
hyperlink for that podcastepisode she was on.
If you would like to share yourown experience that you are
navigating through as an NPE notparent expected, please send me
(18:59):
an email at julierogers@nearestanddearestpodcast.
com.
You will also find a hyperlinkfor my email address under my
show notes as well.
If you would like me to shareit on a future episode of
Nearest And Dearest Podcast, Iwould be honored to do so.
(19:22):
Thank you for listening.
The views and opinionsexpressed by Nearest and Dearest
Podcast are those of theauthors and do not necessarily
reflect the official policy orposition of Nearest And Dearest
Podcast.
Any content provided by JulieRogers or any other authors are
(19:45):
of their opinion.
They are not intended to malignany religion, ethnic group,
club, organization, company,individual or anyone or anything
.
Thank you.
No one ever said life is easy, but I believe by
giving yourself permission, youwill find you have more control
over your life than you realize.
I'm Julie.
I hope you will join me bytaking responsibility for
yourself, by only controllingthe things you can and letting
go of the things that you can't.
By doing this, you will havediscovered the secret to having
(00:31):
happy, healthy and morefulfilling relationships.
This is Nearest and DearestPodcast.
I'm Julie Rogers and you arelistening to Season 3, episode
11, NPE - Not Parent Expected.
NPE is also known as anon-paternity event.
(00:53):
Genetically speaking, thismeans there was a situation in
which someone who is presumed tobe an individual's father is
not, in fact, the biologicalfather.
For me when I shared with youin my first episode, Owning My
Truth, it was very freeing toacknowledge that I found my
(01:18):
biological father, but what Ididn't give you in detail was
how I processed this revelation.
For anyone who has gone throughthis life-altering experience,
the one common thread thatspeaks loudly is your life will
never be the same again.
(01:38):
I have had both positive andnegative emotions.
Overall, I feel very grateful.
I always felt different in myfamily not just because of my
physical traits compared to mydad and siblings while growing
(01:58):
up, but other genetic traitsthat are behavioral, like my
personality and creativity.
I felt like I was looking at mydad and trying to find
something that connected me tohim.
After my parents divorced, Ireally only saw him on Sundays
(02:23):
at his home with my stepmotherand siblings.
When he remarried, he called usafter the ceremony and wanted
to come by and pick us up tocelebrate.
I was around 12.
I remember feeling so mad thatwe weren't invited to the
(02:44):
ceremony so I didn't go to thatcelebration.
It was a moment of me feelingdisconnected to him.
On those Sundays, dad wouldpick us up and we would visit
with him from lunch throughdinner.
Then he would drop us back hometo where we lived with our mom.
(03:07):
As I got older and busier withmy own teen years, I didn't
always go on Sundays.
I just wasn't close to him.
I felt unenthusiastic wheneverI was around him.
By the time I was 17, mom movedmy youngest sister and I to
(03:30):
Connecticut.
Once there, I married thefollowing year and lived there
for over 20 years.
I didn't see my dad very oftenthroughout those years.
Even when I would come back toNew York to visit family, I
didn't always take the time togo and visit with him.
(03:50):
There was this weird thing,though, about my actual birthday
.
For quite a long while I wastold my birthday was February
2nd, Groundhog Day.
It was always a funny joke inmy family, but eventually I came
across my birth certificate andit clearly said February 1st.
(04:14):
Even though I showed theevidence of this, my dad and
siblings would hold on to thatjoke, that I was born on
Groundhog Day.
To this day, I still don'tunderstand why Dad claimed that.
I was used to him not feelingcomfortable in the presence of
(04:37):
my mom.
I had always known Dad's angertowards her after the divorce
was always there, coming up tothe surface if any of us asked
him for money as kids, and hewould say that's why I give your
mother child support, meaning,don't ask him for any.
(04:59):
So I didn't.
I started babysitting at 12,and I would use that money to
buy myself the things I wanted.
My parents worked hard theirwhole lives and were raising six
kids.
There wasn't much extra to goaround.
We just knew how bitter Dad wastowards Mom.
(05:22):
It was an unspoken truth.
I never took the opportunity toask him why he was so angry
when it came to our mom.
I didn't have that kind ofrelationship with him to talk
about real concerns or thingsthat bothered me.
(05:42):
I can only speculate.
It affected our whole lives.
Even once we all started havingour own families, we could
never have had both mom and dadin the same bleachers for a
sporting game, let alone sharingany family celebrations
(06:05):
together.
It just wasn't going to happen.
Because of all of this, I wasgrieving a close father-daughter
relationship that I never hadwith my dad.
I'm not saying it was toxic ormean-spirited.
(06:26):
It was just not fulfilling forme.
On the flip side, I wasextremely close to my mom.
She introduced me to communitytheater, something that we both
loved to do.
I sometimes was able to go toher rehearsals and watch her.
(06:49):
She came to all the plays I wasin.
Even though it was going to bemy senior year in high school
when we moved from New York toConnecticut.
I wanted to see her happy.
When her relationship endedwith a man who couldn't commit
(07:10):
to her and she moved back to NewYork with my youngest sister
after I got married.
I understood her pain.
My mom was always the mostconstant, positive, loving
mother I could have ever askedfor.
(07:32):
I will never know why she didn'ttell me that there was a chance
that dad wasn't my biologicalfather.
Again, I can speculate.
It comes up every now and then,especially when someone who has
listened to my podcast or haveshared my truth with asks the
(07:55):
question did your mom think youhad a different father?
It's been over eight yearssince I did the sibling DNA test
with my youngest sister, whichcatapulted me to start
processing the fact that I havea different biological father
(08:18):
compared to my other siblings.
This realization wasn't a realsurprise to me or my siblings,
but at the other end of thistruth was a hidden, deep-rooted
secret inside my mom.
(08:39):
Was it shame?
She was in an unhappy marriagewith my dad.
She was 30 years old, raisingmy three older brothers and
dealing with an alcoholichusband.
I found out by asking my oldestbrother, Mike, who is nine years
(08:59):
older than me, where Mom workedin the summer of 1965 when I
was conceived.
I had no idea she was acocktail waitress at a local
bowling alley in Watertown.
(09:25):
Having to talk to my sistersabout this, they remember her
sharing this particular job overthe years with them, but she
never shared that info with me.
By revealing this knowledge tomy biological father,J oe, in
October 2019, when he was tryingto piece together how my mom
(09:46):
knew him, it started to spellthings out.
Joe was in the Army at the time.
He was back home from theservice.
He told me he would go to thebowling alley a few times a week
that summer along with some ofhis friends.
By giving her name and a photoof when she was younger, he
(10:12):
remembered her fondly.
I believe my mom was looking fora distraction.
From what my brother, Mike,told me, she didn't work at the
bowling alley for long.
Dad didn't want her workingnights and wanted her home with
the boys.
Mom left working there andnever saw Joe again.
(10:44):
Could it be that she put thatmoment of indiscretion so far
away in her mind and focused ontrying to survive a challenging
marriage?
How could she have not noticedhow very different I looked,
with no resemblance from my dad?
Why couldn't she tell me therewas a real possibility that,
(11:10):
because of that moment ofindiscretion that she chose,
could have led to my conceptionwhen I asked her years prior to
the beginning of her dementia?
Speculation is what we tellourselves when we don't have all
(11:33):
the answers we long for.
I have used it over the yearswhen trying to understand my
mom's thinking and my dad'sanger.
I have been reflecting moreabout how I didn't go into a
depression or have any angertowards my mom.
(11:56):
I think because of my age atthe time of discovery, 50 when I
had the proof from the siblingDNA test and 53 when I found
Joe, along with the fact that mymom was battling dementia, in
the last stages of her life,gave me more gratitude and peace
(12:21):
.
I had the power within myselfto intentionally ask the hard
questions, stir up difficultrealizations from my family's
past and do the work to discoverthe unknown which would link me
to what I deserved to know.
(12:44):
As human beings, each of usdeserve to know where we came
from.
We can't choose our biologicalidentities, but what we can
choose is to decide, no matterhow the truth finally comes out,
(13:06):
what to do with it.
I have had those moments when Iwonder how my life would have
been if I knew earlier in mylife who my biological father
was.
I can't help but feel I havemissed out on some relationships
(13:27):
that could have contributed tomy overall well-being.
Since Joe has been in my life.
I have met a lot of my extendedfamily over these last five
years.
To start with, seeing suchfamiliar looking faces that
match some of my own physicalcharacteristics has been surreal
(13:51):
.
I have been hearing stories,along with photos, about my
grandparents andgreat-grandparents.
My great-grandparents were thefirst to immigrate from Italy
through Ellis Island.
Both my paternalgreat-grandparents immigrated
(14:12):
from Italy.
The fact that the Storinos wereliving in Watertown, the same
city I was while growing up, isunbelievable to me.
To be honest, I wasn't lookingfor a new family.
(14:33):
I love my family.
It wasn't about them.
It was about me needing to findmy identity.
I remember watching TV showslike Long Lost Family, which
aired in 2016, and feeling veryemotional.
(14:59):
My dad passed from lung cancerin 2003.
There was something inside methat longed to find my answers.
So, with dad gone and mombattling Alzheimer's, I knew I
(15:20):
had to be Sherlock Holmes, withthe hope of finding all the
puzzle pieces that would connecttogether.
I have no regrets about myjourney.
Having Joe and Sharri in mylife is a true gift.
I have met wonderful relativeswho have shown a genuine
(15:46):
interest in me.
I went to Italy last year andvisited the Calabria region
where my paternal ancestors arefrom.
I even have an interest intrying to locate some family
that still may reside in thatarea.
(16:07):
A friend who has relatives inthe same area, who speaks and
writes Italian, is doing asearch for me.
Through a website she found,that could possibly help.
I gave her mygreat-grandparents' names and
date of births, along with theareas they were born.
(16:34):
A lot has changed in my lifesince I found Joe.
I got to have closure with mymom before she passed.
I have gained parents, alongwith another family that has
been very loving to me, myhusband, my children and
grandchildren.
I don't believe there can everbe too much love.
(16:59):
I have recently joined aFacebook group called DNA
Identity Surprise and This NPELife.
I want to read other NPEsjourneys and feel that
connection, that only otherslike me, have experienced.
(17:21):
I have always believed, that byconnecting with others who have
experienced similar journeys,no matter how difficult,
challenging or gut-wrenchingthose life journeys are, can
help us feel we are not alone.
(17:44):
Alesia Weiss, who is a retiredRN, Army vet, writer and is the
creator of this Facebook group,also is the creator of the
Resource Center website calledN-P-E-N Nursing for NPEs.
Alesia also was on a podcasttitled Beyond Well with Sheila
(18:12):
Hamilton.
She shared some of her ownpersonal NPE journey that she
discovered in a recent episode.
I will share hyperlinks undermy show notes if you would like
to learn more about the Facebookgroup or the website she
founded, which is to help otherNPEs navigate this forever
(18:37):
life-changing process that keepsevolving, along with a
hyperlink for that podcastepisode she was on.
If you would like to share yourown experience that you are
navigating through as an NPE notparent expected, please send me
(18:59):
an email at julierogers@nearestanddearestpodcast.
com.
You will also find a hyperlinkfor my email address under my
show notes as well.
If you would like me to shareit on a future episode of
Nearest And Dearest Podcast, Iwould be honored to do so.
(19:22):
Thank you for listening.
The views and opinionsexpressed by Nearest and Dearest
Podcast are those of theauthors and do not necessarily
reflect the official policy orposition of Nearest And Dearest
Podcast.
Any content provided by JulieRogers or any other authors are
(19:45):
of their opinion.
They are not intended to malignany religion, ethnic group,
club, organization, company,individual or anyone or anything
.
Thank you.
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