June 5, 2025 • 12 mins
Send your concerns (or comments!) here
Happy Pride!
Shout out to my fellow aces! You are forever valid!
I'm proud to be a queer ace, and I hope you have a great Pride month!
Resources mentioned:
- Asexual Visibility and Education Network (I forgot the Education part, my bad): https://www.asexuality.org/
- Yasmin Benoit: https://www.yasminbenoit.co.uk/
- Sherronda J. Brown's book: https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/710512/refusing-compulsory-sexuality-by-sherronda-j-brown/
- Aromanticism: https://www.aromanticism.org/
Here are my socials: https://linktr.ee/neurospicyblackgirl
Buy me a coffee!: https://buymeacoffee.com/neurospicyblackgirl
Support the place that helped me produce the podcast!: https://bricartsmedia.org/
Music: https://pixabay.com/users/bodleasons-28047609/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=music&utm_content=223103
Intro Song: First Love is Never Forgotten
by Juno Waves
Support the artist: https://junowaves.bandcamp.com/
DISCLAIMER: The information provided on this podcast is for general knowledge and informational purposes only, and does not constitute medical advice. Always consult with a qualified healthcare professional for any health concerns or before making any decisions related to your health.
Tags:
#neurodivergent #neurodiversity #neurospicy #podcast #adhdpodcast #adhdproblems #neurospicyblackgirl #blackneurodivergent
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
First of all, happy pride to my queer community and
to the allies.
In the United States, things aregetting scarier for marginalized
folks, especially with thecurrent administration and their
BS.
I want to make it absolutelyclear that this is a safe space
for marginalized folk and thatno hate will be tolerated.
Period.
(00:22):
Alright, now on to Neuro SpicyBlack Girl.
Hi, I'm Milani.
I'm black, female, andneurodivergent, aka I lost the
genetic lottery.
The only thing I could do ispull myself up by my bootstraps
and live whatever life takes me.
Anyone deserves to profit frommy trauma, it's me.
(00:43):
That's the life of a neuro spicyblack girl.
Welcome back toNeuroSpicyBlackGirl, the podcast
(01:06):
for your overstimulated,overthinking, and under-rested
self.
Well, maybe that's just me, butI'm sure some of you are like
that too.
I'm Melania, and today we'regoing to get real tender, real
nuanced, and real queer.
Because guess what?
It's Pride Month in the UnitedStates! And today, I want to
(01:36):
talk about something thatdoesn't get enough attention
during Pride.
Asexuality.
And not just that, but what it'slike to be ace and
neurodivergent.
And black.
And a woman.
We're intersexual in this house,always.
So yeah, not only I'mneurodivergent, black, and a
(01:58):
woman, I am also queer.
Let's be real, I didn't have thelanguage for asexuality until my
20s.
All through school, everyone wasobsessed with, you know, like,
getting a partner, and dating,and doing the do, who was
kissing who, although that'smore like romanticism, and I was
(02:21):
all like, can we just finish thegroup project before I had to
associate?
Spoiler alert, we couldn't.
I used to think I was just alate bloomer, or maybe I just
had some secret trauma I hadn'tunlocked yet, like a Sims
expansion pack.
(02:42):
But turns out, nope.
I'm just asexual.
I don't experience sexualattraction.
And that's not sad.
It's not tragic.
It's not something to fix.
Let me know in the comments ifyou found out about asexuality
due to places like Tumblr.
Because that's how I learnedasexuality.
And that's actually how Ilearned about sexuality in
(03:04):
general.
Because my school curriculum didnot have sexual education at
all.
I was in a sound state forcontext.
And also, my mom and dad did notgive me the sex talk at all.
So I learned about sex throughfanfiction and movies and
(03:26):
television.
Both good and bad depending onhow you look at it.
But anyway, here's where it getsspicy.
Neuro-spicy to be exact.
Because being autistic or ADHDor otherwise neurodivergent,
that already makes you feeldifferent in ways that are hard
(03:48):
to name.
You spend your life masking,people-pleasing, second-guessing
your instincts.
Now, added in being an ace?
Oof.
The world doesn't just treat youlike you're different, it treats
you like you're defective.
Now, let me be clear.
I am not broken.
I'm just not bothered.
(04:11):
I don't feel sexual attraction,and I don't want to.
That's not something I'm waitingto grow into.
That's not something therapy isgoing to uncover.
That's not something the rightperson is going to unlock.
I'm not a treasure chest.
I'm a whole damn vault.
Also, here's another thing.
(04:32):
Asexuality and asexualreproduction are not the same
thing.
I am not a plant or an amoeba.
Pay attention to science class.
It's a fun subject, really.
Yeah, pay attention.
You know what's funny?
Neurodivergence, especially withADHD and autism are on the
(04:54):
spectrum.
So is asexuality.
Funny how life works that way.
Actually, to give a quick littleexplanation of what asexuality
is, in case you don't know,asexuality is little to no
sexual attraction.
(05:15):
Sexual attraction is differentthan romantic attraction.
You still want a romanticrelationship.
You're just not interested inhaving sexual relations,
essentially.
And of course, that's in thespectrum, and there's different
sub-identities of asexualityitself.
I will link resources to learnmore about asexuality in the
(05:35):
description.
And oftentimes, asexuality isconfused with aromanticism.
Aromanticism is having little tono romantic attraction, meaning
romantic partnerships.
Again, I will also linkaromanticism resources in the
description because they alsodeserve some love.
(05:55):
No pun intended.
Now, let's talk aboutintersection of asexuality and
neurodivergence.
Some researchers are starting tofinally explore how
neurodivergent people,especially autistic folks, might
fall somewhere on the asexual oraromantic spectrum.
And that makes sense.
A lot of us have differentsensory experiences, different
(06:16):
social needs, differentboundaries.
So why wouldn't that extend toattraction?
But the problem is...
People still assume that ifyou're ace and neurodivergent,
you're just not emotionallymature or you don't understand
intimacy.
Like, no, girl, I just havebetter boundaries than you.
And don't even get me started onbeing a black woman on top of
(06:41):
all this.
Because the way societyhypersexualizes black women, you
can't opt out without peopleassuming you're being difficult,
dishonest, or just in denial.
Like, sorry my existence doesn'trevolve around being desired.
Maybe I just want a good nap anda cat on my lap.
Radical, I know.
I'm in the United States, notEgypt.
(07:04):
We ain't in denial.
Period.
(07:31):
A little side note, I want toshout out two Black asexual
women.
First, Yasmin Benoit, a Blackasexual and aromantic model and
researcher.
She helped spearhead showcasingthe diversity of the asexual
community and a hugecontribution to asexual
visibility.
I really appreciate herexistence, especially
(07:51):
discovering my asexuality.
Additionally, I want to shoutout Sharonda J.
Brown, essayist and author ofRefusing Compulsory Sexuality, A
Black Asexual Lens on OurSex-Obsessed Culture.
I haven't finished her book yetdue to ADHD things, but what I
have read so far has beenvalidated.
(08:13):
I will link their sites in thedescription.
Yeah, I should really pick backup that book.
Now, let's talk about how tothrive when you're both asexual
and neurodivergent.
It's not always easy out here,but these tips might just save
your sensory battery.
Tip number one.
(08:33):
Learn your yeses and your hardno's.
A lot of people will try to tellyou what you should want.
Whether that's relationships,sex, eye contact, parties, or
cuddling with sweaty people youbarely know.
No thank you.
Get clear on what you actuallyenjoy or tolerate.
(08:54):
And what drains you.
Boundaries aren't mean.
They're self-love with abackbone.
Tip number two, find yourpeople.
Even if it's just online.
If your offline world doesn'tget you, that doesn't mean your
identity is wrong.
It means your circle's toosmall.
(09:14):
There are ace and neurodivergentfolks making memes, support
groups, fanfics, and podcasts,hello, who will absolutely
validate your lived experience.
Find them.
Lurk if you need to.
Belonging doesn't require 24-7group chats.
I know in my case, the AceVisibility Network was one of
(09:36):
the first places that Idiscovered when discovering my
asexuality.
I will link them in thedescription.
Tip number three.
Redefine intimacy on your terms.
Being asexual doesn't mean youdon't crave connection.
It just means the form it takesmight look different.
Emotional intimacy, parallelplay, deep convos about your
(09:58):
favorite hyperfixation at 2am,that counts.
Don't let anyone convince youyour love or your friendships
are less than just because theydon't involve sex.
Spoiler alert, half of y'all'ssituationships don't involve
emotional safety either, sowho's really thriving?
And I- Oh! And cuz, girl, I gota bunch of stories about my
(10:19):
friends who have not goodsituationships.
But yeah, they still give themmany chances that they're not
friends, but...
Anyways, Pride Month isn't justfor the glitter and the rainbows
and the cute couple pics on thegram.
It's about showing up for everypart of your community.
Including the ones who don'tcenter sex in their identity.
(10:40):
Including the ones who stim inthe club.
Including the ones who wearnoise-canceling headphones to
the parade and still deserve tobe celebrated.
So, this pride, I'm standingtall in my narrow, spicy,
asexual, black girl glory.
I'm here.
I'm valid.
I'm not broken.
I don't need to be fixed.
I need to be respected.
(11:01):
And so do you.
If you're ace, neurodivergent,or just questioning it all,
you're not alone.
You're not weird.
You're not behind.
You're a whole spectrum ofbeautiful, just the way you are.
Thank you for listening toNarrow Spicy Black Girl.
If this episode made you feelseen, hit that follow button,
(11:23):
leave a little review, or shareit with a friend.
Let's make Pride a little moreinclusive, one download at a
time.
Links to support me are in thedescription.
Remember, it's okay to be human.
Do what's best for you,especially for the month of
Pride.
Tune in next time wheresomething new happens and it
definitely won't be boring.
(11:43):
Bye, and happy Pride.
Stay safe, everyone.
Hey everyone, I have creditsnow! Narrow Spicy Black Girl is
written, created, produced, andedited by me, Align Geeks.
This show is produced at BrickMedia Arts.
To learn more about thisnon-profit arts organization,
(12:05):
visit brickmediaarts.org.
That is B-R-I-C-M-E-D-I-A-R-T-Sdot org.
First of all, happy pride to my queer community and
to the allies.
In the United States, things aregetting scarier for marginalized
folks, especially with thecurrent administration and their
BS.
I want to make it absolutelyclear that this is a safe space
for marginalized folk and thatno hate will be tolerated.
Period.
(00:22):
Alright, now on to Neuro SpicyBlack Girl.
Hi, I'm Milani.
I'm black, female, andneurodivergent, aka I lost the
genetic lottery.
The only thing I could do ispull myself up by my bootstraps
and live whatever life takes me.
Anyone deserves to profit frommy trauma, it's me.
(00:43):
That's the life of a neuro spicyblack girl.
Welcome back toNeuroSpicyBlackGirl, the podcast
(01:06):
for your overstimulated,overthinking, and under-rested
self.
Well, maybe that's just me, butI'm sure some of you are like
that too.
I'm Melania, and today we'regoing to get real tender, real
nuanced, and real queer.
Because guess what?
It's Pride Month in the UnitedStates! And today, I want to
(01:36):
talk about something thatdoesn't get enough attention
during Pride.
Asexuality.
And not just that, but what it'slike to be ace and
neurodivergent.
And black.
And a woman.
We're intersexual in this house,always.
So yeah, not only I'mneurodivergent, black, and a
(01:58):
woman, I am also queer.
Let's be real, I didn't have thelanguage for asexuality until my
20s.
All through school, everyone wasobsessed with, you know, like,
getting a partner, and dating,and doing the do, who was
kissing who, although that'smore like romanticism, and I was
(02:21):
all like, can we just finish thegroup project before I had to
associate?
Spoiler alert, we couldn't.
I used to think I was just alate bloomer, or maybe I just
had some secret trauma I hadn'tunlocked yet, like a Sims
expansion pack.
(02:42):
But turns out, nope.
I'm just asexual.
I don't experience sexualattraction.
And that's not sad.
It's not tragic.
It's not something to fix.
Let me know in the comments ifyou found out about asexuality
due to places like Tumblr.
Because that's how I learnedasexuality.
And that's actually how Ilearned about sexuality in
(03:04):
general.
Because my school curriculum didnot have sexual education at
all.
I was in a sound state forcontext.
And also, my mom and dad did notgive me the sex talk at all.
So I learned about sex throughfanfiction and movies and
(03:26):
television.
Both good and bad depending onhow you look at it.
But anyway, here's where it getsspicy.
Neuro-spicy to be exact.
Because being autistic or ADHDor otherwise neurodivergent,
that already makes you feeldifferent in ways that are hard
(03:48):
to name.
You spend your life masking,people-pleasing, second-guessing
your instincts.
Now, added in being an ace?
Oof.
The world doesn't just treat youlike you're different, it treats
you like you're defective.
Now, let me be clear.
I am not broken.
I'm just not bothered.
(04:11):
I don't feel sexual attraction,and I don't want to.
That's not something I'm waitingto grow into.
That's not something therapy isgoing to uncover.
That's not something the rightperson is going to unlock.
I'm not a treasure chest.
I'm a whole damn vault.
Also, here's another thing.
(04:32):
Asexuality and asexualreproduction are not the same
thing.
I am not a plant or an amoeba.
Pay attention to science class.
It's a fun subject, really.
Yeah, pay attention.
You know what's funny?
Neurodivergence, especially withADHD and autism are on the
(04:54):
spectrum.
So is asexuality.
Funny how life works that way.
Actually, to give a quick littleexplanation of what asexuality
is, in case you don't know,asexuality is little to no
sexual attraction.
(05:15):
Sexual attraction is differentthan romantic attraction.
You still want a romanticrelationship.
You're just not interested inhaving sexual relations,
essentially.
And of course, that's in thespectrum, and there's different
sub-identities of asexualityitself.
I will link resources to learnmore about asexuality in the
(05:35):
description.
And oftentimes, asexuality isconfused with aromanticism.
Aromanticism is having little tono romantic attraction, meaning
romantic partnerships.
Again, I will also linkaromanticism resources in the
description because they alsodeserve some love.
(05:55):
No pun intended.
Now, let's talk aboutintersection of asexuality and
neurodivergence.
Some researchers are starting tofinally explore how
neurodivergent people,especially autistic folks, might
fall somewhere on the asexual oraromantic spectrum.
And that makes sense.
A lot of us have differentsensory experiences, different
(06:16):
social needs, differentboundaries.
So why wouldn't that extend toattraction?
But the problem is...
People still assume that ifyou're ace and neurodivergent,
you're just not emotionallymature or you don't understand
intimacy.
Like, no, girl, I just havebetter boundaries than you.
And don't even get me started onbeing a black woman on top of
(06:41):
all this.
Because the way societyhypersexualizes black women, you
can't opt out without peopleassuming you're being difficult,
dishonest, or just in denial.
Like, sorry my existence doesn'trevolve around being desired.
Maybe I just want a good nap anda cat on my lap.
Radical, I know.
I'm in the United States, notEgypt.
(07:04):
We ain't in denial.
Period.
(07:31):
A little side note, I want toshout out two Black asexual
women.
First, Yasmin Benoit, a Blackasexual and aromantic model and
researcher.
She helped spearhead showcasingthe diversity of the asexual
community and a hugecontribution to asexual
visibility.
I really appreciate herexistence, especially
(07:51):
discovering my asexuality.
Additionally, I want to shoutout Sharonda J.
Brown, essayist and author ofRefusing Compulsory Sexuality, A
Black Asexual Lens on OurSex-Obsessed Culture.
I haven't finished her book yetdue to ADHD things, but what I
have read so far has beenvalidated.
(08:13):
I will link their sites in thedescription.
Yeah, I should really pick backup that book.
Now, let's talk about how tothrive when you're both asexual
and neurodivergent.
It's not always easy out here,but these tips might just save
your sensory battery.
Tip number one.
(08:33):
Learn your yeses and your hardno's.
A lot of people will try to tellyou what you should want.
Whether that's relationships,sex, eye contact, parties, or
cuddling with sweaty people youbarely know.
No thank you.
Get clear on what you actuallyenjoy or tolerate.
(08:54):
And what drains you.
Boundaries aren't mean.
They're self-love with abackbone.
Tip number two, find yourpeople.
Even if it's just online.
If your offline world doesn'tget you, that doesn't mean your
identity is wrong.
It means your circle's toosmall.
(09:14):
There are ace and neurodivergentfolks making memes, support
groups, fanfics, and podcasts,hello, who will absolutely
validate your lived experience.
Find them.
Lurk if you need to.
Belonging doesn't require 24-7group chats.
I know in my case, the AceVisibility Network was one of
(09:36):
the first places that Idiscovered when discovering my
asexuality.
I will link them in thedescription.
Tip number three.
Redefine intimacy on your terms.
Being asexual doesn't mean youdon't crave connection.
It just means the form it takesmight look different.
Emotional intimacy, parallelplay, deep convos about your
(09:58):
favorite hyperfixation at 2am,that counts.
Don't let anyone convince youyour love or your friendships
are less than just because theydon't involve sex.
Spoiler alert, half of y'all'ssituationships don't involve
emotional safety either, sowho's really thriving?
And I- Oh! And cuz, girl, I gota bunch of stories about my
(10:19):
friends who have not goodsituationships.
But yeah, they still give themmany chances that they're not
friends, but...
Anyways, Pride Month isn't justfor the glitter and the rainbows
and the cute couple pics on thegram.
It's about showing up for everypart of your community.
Including the ones who don'tcenter sex in their identity.
(10:40):
Including the ones who stim inthe club.
Including the ones who wearnoise-canceling headphones to
the parade and still deserve tobe celebrated.
So, this pride, I'm standingtall in my narrow, spicy,
asexual, black girl glory.
I'm here.
I'm valid.
I'm not broken.
I don't need to be fixed.
I need to be respected.
(11:01):
And so do you.
If you're ace, neurodivergent,or just questioning it all,
you're not alone.
You're not weird.
You're not behind.
You're a whole spectrum ofbeautiful, just the way you are.
Thank you for listening toNarrow Spicy Black Girl.
If this episode made you feelseen, hit that follow button,
(11:23):
leave a little review, or shareit with a friend.
Let's make Pride a little moreinclusive, one download at a
time.
Links to support me are in thedescription.
Remember, it's okay to be human.
Do what's best for you,especially for the month of
Pride.
Tune in next time wheresomething new happens and it
definitely won't be boring.
(11:43):
Bye, and happy Pride.
Stay safe, everyone.
Hey everyone, I have creditsnow! Narrow Spicy Black Girl is
written, created, produced, andedited by me, Align Geeks.
This show is produced at BrickMedia Arts.
To learn more about thisnon-profit arts organization,
(12:05):
visit brickmediaarts.org.
That is B-R-I-C-M-E-D-I-A-R-T-Sdot org.
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