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June 19, 2025 20 mins

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Episode Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hi, I'm Milani.
I'm black, female, andneurodivergent, aka I lost the
genetic lottery.
The only thing I could do ispull myself up by my bootstraps
and live whatever life takes me.

(00:21):
If anyone deserves to profitfrom my trauma, it's me.
That's the life of a neuro-spicyblack girl.
So today for this episode, I'mgonna do things like a little

(00:45):
bit unscripted, off the cuff,but with notes and stuff.
Oh, this is gonna be edited, soit's not unedited.
Because trust me, you don't wantto hear all the pauses, the
gasp, the tongue noises andmouth noises and whatever, that
stuff.
I'm just gonna kind of justspeak my mind about...

(01:06):
As the title suggests, Father'sDay reflection, but also both
the parents' days, to be honest.
So yeah, let's get into it.
I'm gonna try to not be asheated as I was with the
Mother's Day episode, but I'mnot making any promises.
Father's Day has always been atough holiday for me.

(01:32):
If you listened to any of myprevious episodes, you know that
I don't have a good relationshipwith my father.
I don't have any relationshipwith my father.
Because I'm in no contact withhim.
This day has always been toughbecause it's hard to remember

(01:52):
any good memories with myfather.
As someone who's like...
My brain has repressed so muchof my childhood.
It takes a lot for me toremember stuff.
But the stuff I do rememberabout my father includes things
that a child should not havewitnessed.
Things like my dad threateningmy mom multiple times in the

(02:17):
car.
And sometimes in my case, healso threatens my life too.
So I'm also collateral in a lotof cases.
But I always would hear my dadscreaming at my mom, yell at
her, demean her.
I know my mom is a piece ofwork.

(02:38):
And she's not a good personherself either, if you listen to
my Mother's Day episode.
But I will tell you, that doesnot justify putting your hands
on another person.
It does not.
On that topic, when it comes tophysical discipline...
I know there's, like, a wholedebate, especially with older

(02:59):
Black folk, about, you know,putting your hands on your child
as discipline.
You know, the whole spare therod, spoil the child thing.
But there are, like, studiesthat show physically
reprimanding your child hasnegative effects throughout the
childhood and to adulthood.
And from the times I tell,like...

(03:21):
Whenever I remember my dadputting his hands on me, even as
a little girl, sometimes I justwondered if he was for real
trying to kill me.
Sorry, I should say triggerwarning for mentioning physical
abuse.
But I remember feeling...

(03:41):
I could feel the sting on myback nearly...
I don't know if paralyzed is theright word, but it would shut me
down, essentially.
I would feel like it was hardfor me as a little girl to get
up from being hit from my dad.
Whether or not I deserved it isout of the point, but I could

(04:06):
say that whenever my mom in thefuture would compare me to my
dad whenever I got angry at her,That is a messed up thing to do
to your child to compare yourown child to a physically
abusive person that happens tobe her own father.
So, I think, like, witnessingthat, that's why I try so hard

(04:30):
to calm my anger down, or atleast temper it.
Because I don't want to becompared like that.
Especially...
I don't know why I'm tearing up,but...
Yeah.
Damn, now I need, like, five...
Minutes into the recording, Ialready get emotional.
Besides that, um, going throughor witnessing my parents'

(04:52):
divorce was also not pretty.
You know what the funny thingis, is that despite my dad
really being an awful person tomy mom, she still stayed with
him.
He wasn't a good step-parent tomy siblings either.
And I'm not going to go in toodeep because although I'm not in

(05:12):
contact with my siblings, I willbe respectful of their story
because it's their story totell.
I will just say that wheneverthings got physical between
them, my mom would take my dad'sside.
Let's just keep it at that.
It's just interesting that itwas my dad who filed for divorce

(05:37):
from my mom.
Like, you would think it'd bethe other way around,
considering how he treated her.
But nah, he was tired of her.
I just remember my dad...
He waited till I went asleepto...
Leave me and my mom in Virginia.
And then, a few years later,when I was getting more

(06:01):
acclimated to a new state...
I'm originally from Florida,just for context, so...
I remember my mom getting thedivorce papers.
And this was when my grandma wasstaying in Virginia to help my
mom out and stuff.

(06:22):
But yeah, I remember the wholecustody battle thing.
And it was going on since thirdgrade.
Yeah, I remember those dayswhere I would be so sad going to
school.
And it was heartbreaking likeseeing your classmates, seeing

(06:47):
your classmates and their dads,even like the classmates whose
parents are also divorced, youstill see their dads showing up
for them.
Meanwhile, your own dad keepslying to you.

(07:07):
Saying that he's going to visityou and doesn't show up multiple
times and has an excuse for eachone.
Say it's because of work or it'sbecause my mom was trying to
prevent him from doing that.
And whether or not the mom onewas true or not, you would think

(07:31):
if you care about your ownchild, you would put an effort
to spite him.
what you're going through withyour former partner, but what do
I know?
But yeah, the one Christmas whenhe eventually did come to see
me, I was so surprised.
Like I was literally raking downtears because I didn't think he

(07:53):
was going to do it.
But even then, that had someweird stipulations or it wasn't
as perfect as I thought it couldbe.
Okay, oh, I'm sorry.
I'm like mixing the days up.
There was this one day where hewas able to spend spring break
with me.
When I went to see him at springbreak, he got a hotel in

(08:19):
Virginia.
But when he was driving all theway to the hotel, he randomly
drops the news that I was goingto meet his wife.
And I was like, what?
Why you didn't tell me any ofthis?
Like, why you telling me thisnow?

(08:40):
And honestly, like, when we gotto the hotel room, I met his new
wife.
She seemed very standoffish forsome reason.
And I didn't know why.
Because I was nice and I wasrespectful to her.
And I tried to be friendly andstuff.
But I just felt the energy wasoff with her.

(09:03):
And that's when I found out thetea is that his new wife is
apparently, well, she was therebound chick back when my mom
and him were dating.
So back when he and my mom weredating and they had relationship
issues, she was basically therebound and she convinced him to

(09:29):
basically have like a fling orwhatever.
And it was my mom who convincedmy dad to dump the rebound lady.
And yeah.
And you see how that turned out.
So yeah, this happened allbefore I was born, by the way.

(09:49):
But anyway, back to therelationship between my dad and
I.
So I feel like things got alittle bit worse, I would say.
Especially when it comes topicking colleges and stuff.
I wanted to go to college in NewYork, and my dad wanted me to go

(10:09):
to college in Florida.
But I felt like New York wouldhave been the best place for me,
basically, with what I wanted todo.
And I'm glad I made that choicenow, especially with all the
opportunities I've got over theyears.
But he got really pissed that Ididn't want to go to college.

(10:33):
In Florida.
But I felt.
What I thought it was kind oflike a nothing burger.
I thought it turned into asomething burger.
Because.
For high school graduation.
I decided to.
Invite him last.
Because I legit didn't think hewas going to show up.
In my heart.
I felt like he wasn't going toshow up.

(10:54):
Somehow it was my mom.
Who convinced me to invite him.
Again.
I don't know why.
But anyway.
I decided to invite him.
So I used the invite app, Evite.
And with Evite, I guess it showsyou like...
Or it shows the people who gotinvited.

(11:16):
It shows them the order of whogot invited and stuff.
And the reason why I'm sayingthis is because my dad says
that's the reason why he didn'tshow up.
Because he saw that he was thelast person in the list.
And he said and accused me thatI wasn't prioritizing him at

(11:39):
all.
And I'm like, bruh, you didn'tprioritize me when I was young.
When y'all were going throughdivorce and stuff, you didn't
prioritize me at all.
But yeah, so that was like thelast time I had like a phone
call conversation with him.
The last time I had contact withhim at all was back in June of

(12:02):
2020 during the pandemic andafter George Floyd's murder.
He just sent like an email andit was just saying like, hey, I
hope you're doing okay duringthese tough times.
He didn't specify like, youknow, the pandemic or like Black
Lives Matter and stuff.

(12:24):
But it was just kind of like,Uh, hey, hope you're alive, I
guess.
And honestly, with the stuff Iwas going through during that
time, with feeling abandoned bymy mom, I think I made the right
choice to not continue contactwith my dad.
It seemed like he didn't want tobe a dad, just like my mom

(12:47):
didn't want to be my mom.
And honestly, I don't want to beany of their daughters, but I
had no choice in that.
The only thing I had a choice inwas my relationship with them,
and that's why I went nocontact.

(13:29):
Let's talk about both of theparents' days.

(14:01):
I feel like...
And also weirdly normalized,too.
I wonder if anyone else dealswith that, too.
Let me know in the comments orsuch.
But either way, both holidaysare difficult...
to endure because I have troubleissues with both parents.
It's hard to feel happy orcelebrate a day where both of

(14:25):
your parents, parents didn'teven want you to begin with, or
at least they didn't want to beparents in the first place.
Like, to be honest with you, mymom and dad were more like an
egg and sperm donor,disrespectively.
Weird thing is, is thatCoincidentally, both had two

(14:47):
children prior to me and, youknow, different partners and
stuff.
And they both made the samemistakes with both of the
children as far as beingterrible parents for both of
them.
Both of them have childhoodtrauma, as you could probably
expect at this point.

(15:08):
Yeah, both of them have troublerelationships with their
fathers.
In the case of my dad, we don'teven know who his father is.
And you know what's weird?
I remember my dad once told mein a conversation.
I don't remember what broughtthis conversation.

(15:29):
But he said that he once toldhis younger...
He said to his younger self thatwhen he grows up to be a parent,
that he wouldn't treat hisfuture kids like his...
mom treated him or treats him idon't know the status of them

(15:52):
and i just find that ironicbecause and i'll bring my mom
and do this too but i'm justthinking like if their childhood
selves know knew like what theygonna grow up to be I feel like
their childhood selves would beboth scared and disappointed,

(16:12):
too.
Like, damn.
You wanted to break the cycle,but instead, you continue it.
And now, it's up to y'all'sdescendants, y'all children, to
break the cycle.
And yeah, that's honestlyfreaking sad.
Or, maybe sad is not the rightword.
More bittersweet.

(16:33):
Bittersweet in my case,because...
Yeah, it is stressful.
And it's very lonely to not haveany support.
Any familial support.
Because that's what the mediasays.
The media says, oh, the familiesare supposed to support each
other.
And especially if you're aperson of color.
Especially if you're Black.

(16:54):
And especially if you'reCaribbean.
It's a whole collectivist typeof culture.
So the fact that I do not havethat collectivist culture is
honestly very alienating.
And it's a very lonely path.
However, I also recognize thatit's a suffering that I have to

(17:15):
go through in order to achievepeace.
I have to carve my own path,essentially, to break this
cycle.
Because...
What my parents have taught meis to both not treat other

(17:38):
people, especially children,like how they treated me as a
child, and also to be kinder tomyself.
The things that they did to me,they said to me, they cannot
take that back.
But what I can't take back isthe power that it held over me.

(18:04):
I am not a burden, and I was nota burden.
I was literally a child thatneeded love and guidance.
And if I have to be the love andguidance I give to my inner
child, then so be it.

(18:26):
Wow, this got emotional.
I did not expect it, but cryingis a good stress reliever.
It does release endorphins orwhatever the molecules are.
I mean, chemicals.
Y'all know what I'm talkingabout.

(18:49):
But yeah, that's what I wantedto reflect on for today's
episode.
And I hope...
My little unscripted rant andsuch is helpful in any sort of
way.
Links to support me are in thedescription.
Remember, it's okay to be human.
Do what's best for you.

(19:11):
Stay tuned where something newhappens and it definitely won't
be boring.
Bye now and take care.
Hey everyone, I have creditsnow! Narrow Spicy Black Girl is
written, created, produced, andedited by me, Align Geeks.
This show is produced at BrickMedia Arts.

(19:33):
To learn more about thisnonprofit arts organization,
visit brickmediaarts.org.
That is B-R-I-C-M-E-D-I-A-R-T-Sdot org.
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