May 8, 2025 • 13 mins
Send your concerns (or comments!) here
This is dedicated to the children who are estranged from their mothers. You are not alone and you are loved. You cannot change the harm they caused you, but you can change and break the cycle by bringing healing and love to yourself.
Resources mentioned:
- https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/
- https://www.youtube.com/doctorramani
- https://www.nedratawwab.com/
Here are my socials: https://linktr.ee/neurospicyblackgirl
Buy me a coffee!: https://buymeacoffee.com/neurospicyblackgirl
Support the place that helped me produce the podcast!: https://bricartsmedia.org/
Music: https://pixabay.com/users/bodleasons-28047609/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=music&utm_content=223103
Intro Song: First Love is Never Forgotten
by Juno Waves
Support the artist: https://junowaves.bandcamp.com/
DISCLAIMER: The information provided on this podcast is for general knowledge and informational purposes only, and does not constitute medical advice. Always consult with a qualified healthcare professional for any health concerns or before making any decisions related to your health.
Tags:
#neurodivergent #neurodiversity #neurospicy #podcast #adhdpodcast #adhdproblems #neurospicyblackgirl #blackneurodivergent
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Alani (00:00):
Alright y'all, you know what time it is.
If you've seen the release dateof this episode, or just simply
the title of this episode, thisis the day I dread when it
comes.
Especially since the day isusually universally celebrated.
That's right, I'm talking aboutMother's Day.
(00:20):
If you haven't known already,continue to listen to learn why
Mother's Day is always hard forthis narrow, spicy black girl.
Hi, I'm Alani.
I'm Black, female, andneurodivergent, aka I lost the
genetic lottery.
The only thing I could do ispull myself up by my bootstraps
and live whatever life takes me.
(00:41):
If anyone deserves to profitfrom my trauma, it's me.
That's the life of a NeurospicyBlack girl.
Welcome to Neuros picy BlackGirl, the only place where you
(01:01):
learn that someone's first bullyis the person who gave birth to
them.
Although, unfortunately, I'mlearning that this is a shared
experience by many.
Generational trauma is a bitch.
Anyway, I'm Alani, and todaywe're going to discuss my weird
relationship with Mother's Day.
Actually, to be honest, we'regoing to expand more about my
(01:23):
relationship with my mother.
If you listened to previousepisodes, I talk a little bit
about my estranged relationshipwith her.
By estranged, I have gone nocontact with her for over a
year.
Now, going no contact is not aneasy decision.
Heck, talking about myrelationship with my mother is
not easy at all.
I'll tell you why.
(01:44):
I don't get sympathy orempathy.
Heck, I get more empathy slashsympathy by talking about my
estranged relationship with myfather.
The thing is, Father's Day hasalways been a simpler day to
endure because most of my peersdon't have a good relationship
with a dad.
There's always a sense of pitywhen I discuss the trauma my dad
(02:06):
has put me through.
I feel like that's a biggerconversation right there about
that concept, but I'll save itfor the Father's Day episode.
However, when I talk about myrelationship with my mom, it's
always...
But she's your mom.
She's a single mother.
She's been through blah, blah,blah.
Well, if you don't want theextra stress of caring for
(02:30):
another kid, don't have anotherf***ing kid.
Especially with someone who isalso not fit to be a parent.
Kids don't ask to be here.
I certainly didn't.
I swear, people always ask thesurvivors why would they go into
mental contact instead ofasking, What did the parent do
to cause the kid to go nocontact?
(02:51):
This world hates traumasurvivors and rewards abusers.
Okay, so back to myrelationship with my mom.
As much as my mom tries to denyit, she wishes she aborted me.
I do too, to be honest, butthat's not the point.
She would always talk about howmuch happier and free her life
was before she had me and mysiblings.
(03:13):
She would say how much sheregrets marrying my dad.
Now, don't get me wrong, my dadis far from being an angel.
But telling the product of youand him that you wish you didn't
met him, yeah.
I mean, I wish you stoppedcentering men in your life and
stopped neglecting your deadelementary school child to drink
(03:33):
and be promiscuous.
But the past is in the past.
I think the reason my mom likesarguing with me is that I look
a lot like my dad.
Maybe she misses arguing withhim.
She always likes to start s**t.
And it's unnecessary s**t too.
Like leaving the fork in thesink and then she talks about
how I do nothing to thehousehold and I will grow up
(03:55):
with no one wanting to be withor around me.
She likes to use my lonelinessand social struggles as ammo for
her attacks.
Side note, when I get angry, Ihave a tendency to say hurtful
stuff to people and cut deep.
I think that is something thatI unfortunately inherited from
my parents.
My mom loves to criticize me.
(04:15):
but conveniently forgets hercontributions to my actions and
physical appearance.
She hates that I am chubbydespite never putting me on a
diet and always buying unhealthyfood.
She is also chubby herself.
She hates that I am knockneyand have a weird walk despite
refusing to listen to the doctorand provide me proper shoes for
(04:38):
support.
She hates that I struggled withsocializing despite refusing to
listen to teachers to recommendautistic or ADHD testing.
She hates that I showed up toelementary school crying because
I was witnessing my parents'divorce and fight for custody in
front of me because I wasmaking her look bad.
I bet you're wondering whathappened to cause me to go into
(05:03):
contact.
What was the final straw?
Well, here it is.
To pay for college in 2019, mymom signed me up for two private
Discover student loans.
Remember, it was my mom's ideaand that she said that she was
going to help me pay for it.
2020, you all know whathappened to the world that year.
(05:25):
My mom refused to help pay formy sophomore year because it was
going to mess with her plans tomove out of my older sister's
house.
By the way, she moved out likea year later, but anyway, she
was careless and did not give af***.
Because college was the onlyescape from her and my chance at
a new life.
When I was staying at a familyfriend's house, I waited until I
(05:46):
was alone in the house tooverdose twice.
I didn't want to live anymore.
I wanted the pain to end.
I also wanted my mom to knowhow much pain she caused me.
Because the only way anybodytook me seriously is if I do
something extreme.
My family friend called my momand my mom was super pissed at
me, saying that my suicideattempt was making her look like
(06:08):
a bad mom.
It was that moment where I hada wake-up call.
I needed to get the hell outand be financially independent
from my mother for good.
Fast forward to the springsemester of 2023, the last
semester of my senior year ofcollege, and I'm back in New
York City.
My mom pesters me aboutconsolidating those student
loans.
Now, in case you're notfamiliar with the private
(06:29):
student loan process, at leastwith Discover at the time, you
have to show that you makeenough income to pay for the
consolidated loan.
At the time, I did not makeenough money and Discover
rejected me multiple times andsent my mom letters explaining
why.
Also for context, she was thecosigner of the loan.
Why do I emphasize this?
Because my mom got mad at mefor something that is not my
(06:52):
fault or my choice.
It got to the week of mygraduation ceremony...
And my mom and I got into anargument over this stupid
f***ing loan.
I told her that I was going toapply again, but it's not
guaranteed that I'll beapproved.
You know what she told me?
Oh, so you're trying to ruin mylife?
(07:13):
You know what the kicker is?
She demanded that she came tomy graduation.
That was it.
All of the abuse I put up withall those years.
She said that?
And I blew up on her.
The gag is that for my school,the graduating student has the
(07:34):
power to send tickets to whoeverthey want to attend their
ceremony.
I banned my mom from attendingmy ceremony.
No one in my family attended mygraduation.
And I was okay with that.
And ironically, this wholething happened during the week
of Mother's Day.
But that wasn't when I actuallyfully went no contact.
(07:57):
Fast forward to December 2023,I was spending Christmas alone
in the apartment owned by theshady landlord.
I spent all day avoiding socialmedia and watching funny videos
on YouTube.
So, I went to go take the trashout.
The apartment doesn't have apeephole, so I had to go, I
guess.
Well, I opened the door, and Isee my f***ing mother standing
(08:22):
outside the doorway, acting likenothing has happened in May.
She goes up to hug me, and youknow what I did?
I slammed the door in her face.
I haven't answered her attemptsat contact ever since, and
still don't.
A good family friend, let'scall him CH, tells me about her
health status and that she keepsdodging accountability, stating
(08:43):
that I hate her.
Well, I'd rather be the villainin my mother's story than the
victim in my story.
Damn, I know that was a lot totake in, but I felt it was
(09:17):
important for me and to you toknow why Mother's Day has been
hard for me.
It is hard to celebrate theperson who always saw you as a
burden, but I hope this episodecan make you feel that you're
not alone if you also have beenestranged with your mother.
I hope these three tips can behelpful.
Tip number one, celebrate othermaternal figures.
(09:38):
Mother's Day is now limited toyour mother.
You can celebrate your sister,auntie, cousin, grandmother, any
maternal figure.
In my case, I celebrate thematernal figures that are not
blood related to me.
For example, shout out toJoanie from BRIC Media Arts.
(10:00):
She has been a supportivementor to me both for this
podcast and for life in general.
I am grateful for herexistence, and Joanie, if you're
listening, I appreciate you.
Tell your teacher, neighbor,mentor that you are important to
them.
And also, I want to shout outand give thank you to my late
grandmother.
Although you are no longer withus since 2019, I still
(10:26):
appreciate you for being thelast supportive person in my
life before you were gone.
So, rest in peace, Joyce Elder.
Okay.
Sorry, y'all.
Tip number two.
Limit adjust your social mediafor the day.
(10:49):
Trust me, I know the temptationis there.
But for your mental health,limit going on Facebook or
Instagram and seeing all thepictures of the seemingly loving
mother-child relationships.
I say seemingly because peoplecan lie on social media.
But you can trust me.
Anyways...
Instead of dual-scrolling,focus energy on spaces that
(11:12):
validate you or make your mentalhealth better.
Watch your favorite shows.
Go for a walk.
Shop on Mother's Day for adiscount.
You got 24 hours.
Make them good.
Tip number three.
Know that it is not your fault.
It is the parent'sresponsibility to nurture their
relationship with the child,regardless of the child's age.
(11:32):
You unfortunately cannot chooseyour parents, and you cannot
control how...
your parent treats you.
You can control on how youreact and how you treat
yourself.
There will be times where it'shard to remember that,
especially if you'reneuro-spicy, so I recommend
these resources.
The subreddit Raised byNarcissist has a well-moderated
(11:56):
and validated community whereyou can post your experiences
and read other experiences toknow that you're not alone,
especially if your mom hasnarcissistic tendencies.
I also recommend Dr.
Ramani on YouTube.
She helped open my eyes to mymom's behavior.
Additionally, I recommend NedraGlover-Tawab's books about
boundaries, which will beessential especially if you're
(12:17):
going no contact.
All links will be in thedescription.
You are not alone.
If your mother did not care foryou as a kid, I hope you can be
the maternal figure to yourinner child that they needed.
Thank you again for listening.
It is honestly still a hardtopic for me to discuss,
(12:40):
especially since it's taboo inthe black community to not be in
contact with your mother.
But while my relationship withmy mother has been dead, a new
chance of life for me has beenborn.
Links to support me are in thedescription.
Remember, it's okay to behuman.
Do what's best for you.
(13:01):
Tune in next time wheresomething new happens and it
definitely won't be boring.
Take care.
Hey everyone, I have creditsnow! Neuros picy Black Girl is
written, created, produced, andedited by me, Alani Weeks.
This show is produced at BricMedia Arts.
(13:23):
To learn more about thisnon-profit arts organization,
visit bricmediaarts.org.
That isB-R-I-C-M-E-D-I-A-A-R-T-S dot
org.
Alright y'all, you know what time it is.
If you've seen the release dateof this episode, or just simply
the title of this episode, thisis the day I dread when it
comes.
Especially since the day isusually universally celebrated.
That's right, I'm talking aboutMother's Day.
(00:20):
If you haven't known already,continue to listen to learn why
Mother's Day is always hard forthis narrow, spicy black girl.
Hi, I'm Alani.
I'm Black, female, andneurodivergent, aka I lost the
genetic lottery.
The only thing I could do ispull myself up by my bootstraps
and live whatever life takes me.
(00:41):
If anyone deserves to profitfrom my trauma, it's me.
That's the life of a NeurospicyBlack girl.
Welcome to Neuros picy BlackGirl, the only place where you
(01:01):
learn that someone's first bullyis the person who gave birth to
them.
Although, unfortunately, I'mlearning that this is a shared
experience by many.
Generational trauma is a bitch.
Anyway, I'm Alani, and todaywe're going to discuss my weird
relationship with Mother's Day.
Actually, to be honest, we'regoing to expand more about my
(01:23):
relationship with my mother.
If you listened to previousepisodes, I talk a little bit
about my estranged relationshipwith her.
By estranged, I have gone nocontact with her for over a
year.
Now, going no contact is not aneasy decision.
Heck, talking about myrelationship with my mother is
not easy at all.
I'll tell you why.
(01:44):
I don't get sympathy orempathy.
Heck, I get more empathy slashsympathy by talking about my
estranged relationship with myfather.
The thing is, Father's Day hasalways been a simpler day to
endure because most of my peersdon't have a good relationship
with a dad.
There's always a sense of pitywhen I discuss the trauma my dad
(02:06):
has put me through.
I feel like that's a biggerconversation right there about
that concept, but I'll save itfor the Father's Day episode.
However, when I talk about myrelationship with my mom, it's
always...
But she's your mom.
She's a single mother.
She's been through blah, blah,blah.
Well, if you don't want theextra stress of caring for
(02:30):
another kid, don't have anotherf***ing kid.
Especially with someone who isalso not fit to be a parent.
Kids don't ask to be here.
I certainly didn't.
I swear, people always ask thesurvivors why would they go into
mental contact instead ofasking, What did the parent do
to cause the kid to go nocontact?
(02:51):
This world hates traumasurvivors and rewards abusers.
Okay, so back to myrelationship with my mom.
As much as my mom tries to denyit, she wishes she aborted me.
I do too, to be honest, butthat's not the point.
She would always talk about howmuch happier and free her life
was before she had me and mysiblings.
(03:13):
She would say how much sheregrets marrying my dad.
Now, don't get me wrong, my dadis far from being an angel.
But telling the product of youand him that you wish you didn't
met him, yeah.
I mean, I wish you stoppedcentering men in your life and
stopped neglecting your deadelementary school child to drink
(03:33):
and be promiscuous.
But the past is in the past.
I think the reason my mom likesarguing with me is that I look
a lot like my dad.
Maybe she misses arguing withhim.
She always likes to start s**t.
And it's unnecessary s**t too.
Like leaving the fork in thesink and then she talks about
how I do nothing to thehousehold and I will grow up
(03:55):
with no one wanting to be withor around me.
She likes to use my lonelinessand social struggles as ammo for
her attacks.
Side note, when I get angry, Ihave a tendency to say hurtful
stuff to people and cut deep.
I think that is something thatI unfortunately inherited from
my parents.
My mom loves to criticize me.
(04:15):
but conveniently forgets hercontributions to my actions and
physical appearance.
She hates that I am chubbydespite never putting me on a
diet and always buying unhealthyfood.
She is also chubby herself.
She hates that I am knockneyand have a weird walk despite
refusing to listen to the doctorand provide me proper shoes for
(04:38):
support.
She hates that I struggled withsocializing despite refusing to
listen to teachers to recommendautistic or ADHD testing.
She hates that I showed up toelementary school crying because
I was witnessing my parents'divorce and fight for custody in
front of me because I wasmaking her look bad.
I bet you're wondering whathappened to cause me to go into
(05:03):
contact.
What was the final straw?
Well, here it is.
To pay for college in 2019, mymom signed me up for two private
Discover student loans.
Remember, it was my mom's ideaand that she said that she was
going to help me pay for it.
2020, you all know whathappened to the world that year.
(05:25):
My mom refused to help pay formy sophomore year because it was
going to mess with her plans tomove out of my older sister's
house.
By the way, she moved out likea year later, but anyway, she
was careless and did not give af***.
Because college was the onlyescape from her and my chance at
a new life.
When I was staying at a familyfriend's house, I waited until I
(05:46):
was alone in the house tooverdose twice.
I didn't want to live anymore.
I wanted the pain to end.
I also wanted my mom to knowhow much pain she caused me.
Because the only way anybodytook me seriously is if I do
something extreme.
My family friend called my momand my mom was super pissed at
me, saying that my suicideattempt was making her look like
(06:08):
a bad mom.
It was that moment where I hada wake-up call.
I needed to get the hell outand be financially independent
from my mother for good.
Fast forward to the springsemester of 2023, the last
semester of my senior year ofcollege, and I'm back in New
York City.
My mom pesters me aboutconsolidating those student
loans.
Now, in case you're notfamiliar with the private
(06:29):
student loan process, at leastwith Discover at the time, you
have to show that you makeenough income to pay for the
consolidated loan.
At the time, I did not makeenough money and Discover
rejected me multiple times andsent my mom letters explaining
why.
Also for context, she was thecosigner of the loan.
Why do I emphasize this?
Because my mom got mad at mefor something that is not my
(06:52):
fault or my choice.
It got to the week of mygraduation ceremony...
And my mom and I got into anargument over this stupid
f***ing loan.
I told her that I was going toapply again, but it's not
guaranteed that I'll beapproved.
You know what she told me?
Oh, so you're trying to ruin mylife?
(07:13):
You know what the kicker is?
She demanded that she came tomy graduation.
That was it.
All of the abuse I put up withall those years.
She said that?
And I blew up on her.
The gag is that for my school,the graduating student has the
(07:34):
power to send tickets to whoeverthey want to attend their
ceremony.
I banned my mom from attendingmy ceremony.
No one in my family attended mygraduation.
And I was okay with that.
And ironically, this wholething happened during the week
of Mother's Day.
But that wasn't when I actuallyfully went no contact.
(07:57):
Fast forward to December 2023,I was spending Christmas alone
in the apartment owned by theshady landlord.
I spent all day avoiding socialmedia and watching funny videos
on YouTube.
So, I went to go take the trashout.
The apartment doesn't have apeephole, so I had to go, I
guess.
Well, I opened the door, and Isee my f***ing mother standing
(08:22):
outside the doorway, acting likenothing has happened in May.
She goes up to hug me, and youknow what I did?
I slammed the door in her face.
I haven't answered her attemptsat contact ever since, and
still don't.
A good family friend, let'scall him CH, tells me about her
health status and that she keepsdodging accountability, stating
(08:43):
that I hate her.
Well, I'd rather be the villainin my mother's story than the
victim in my story.
Damn, I know that was a lot totake in, but I felt it was
(09:17):
important for me and to you toknow why Mother's Day has been
hard for me.
It is hard to celebrate theperson who always saw you as a
burden, but I hope this episodecan make you feel that you're
not alone if you also have beenestranged with your mother.
I hope these three tips can behelpful.
Tip number one, celebrate othermaternal figures.
(09:38):
Mother's Day is now limited toyour mother.
You can celebrate your sister,auntie, cousin, grandmother, any
maternal figure.
In my case, I celebrate thematernal figures that are not
blood related to me.
For example, shout out toJoanie from BRIC Media Arts.
(10:00):
She has been a supportivementor to me both for this
podcast and for life in general.
I am grateful for herexistence, and Joanie, if you're
listening, I appreciate you.
Tell your teacher, neighbor,mentor that you are important to
them.
And also, I want to shout outand give thank you to my late
grandmother.
Although you are no longer withus since 2019, I still
(10:26):
appreciate you for being thelast supportive person in my
life before you were gone.
So, rest in peace, Joyce Elder.
Okay.
Sorry, y'all.
Tip number two.
Limit adjust your social mediafor the day.
(10:49):
Trust me, I know the temptationis there.
But for your mental health,limit going on Facebook or
Instagram and seeing all thepictures of the seemingly loving
mother-child relationships.
I say seemingly because peoplecan lie on social media.
But you can trust me.
Anyways...
Instead of dual-scrolling,focus energy on spaces that
(11:12):
validate you or make your mentalhealth better.
Watch your favorite shows.
Go for a walk.
Shop on Mother's Day for adiscount.
You got 24 hours.
Make them good.
Tip number three.
Know that it is not your fault.
It is the parent'sresponsibility to nurture their
relationship with the child,regardless of the child's age.
(11:32):
You unfortunately cannot chooseyour parents, and you cannot
control how...
your parent treats you.
You can control on how youreact and how you treat
yourself.
There will be times where it'shard to remember that,
especially if you'reneuro-spicy, so I recommend
these resources.
The subreddit Raised byNarcissist has a well-moderated
(11:56):
and validated community whereyou can post your experiences
and read other experiences toknow that you're not alone,
especially if your mom hasnarcissistic tendencies.
I also recommend Dr.
Ramani on YouTube.
She helped open my eyes to mymom's behavior.
Additionally, I recommend NedraGlover-Tawab's books about
boundaries, which will beessential especially if you're
(12:17):
going no contact.
All links will be in thedescription.
You are not alone.
If your mother did not care foryou as a kid, I hope you can be
the maternal figure to yourinner child that they needed.
Thank you again for listening.
It is honestly still a hardtopic for me to discuss,
(12:40):
especially since it's taboo inthe black community to not be in
contact with your mother.
But while my relationship withmy mother has been dead, a new
chance of life for me has beenborn.
Links to support me are in thedescription.
Remember, it's okay to behuman.
Do what's best for you.
(13:01):
Tune in next time wheresomething new happens and it
definitely won't be boring.
Take care.
Hey everyone, I have creditsnow! Neuros picy Black Girl is
written, created, produced, andedited by me, Alani Weeks.
This show is produced at BricMedia Arts.
(13:23):
To learn more about thisnon-profit arts organization,
visit bricmediaarts.org.
That isB-R-I-C-M-E-D-I-A-A-R-T-S dot
org.
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