July 6, 2023 • 28 mins
In this week's episode, Erin addresses three important questions submitted by listeners: What do you do if you don't feel valued? How do you know when it's time to leave your job? And, how do you recover if you feel like you've lost your edge? Erin takes a deep dive into each question, offering insightful perspectives and practical strategies to help listeners navigate these common roadblocks.
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Episode Transcript
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Erin Foley (00:00):
We have our very first Q&A episode, so stay tuned
to hear me answer two greatquestions submitted by listeners
.
Hi friends, welcome back.
I hope you all are having anincredible week so far.
I am very excited to be divingin.
(00:20):
Today I am doing my first Q&Aepisode.
I put out a call to you allasking you to write in and let
me know where you were stuck,what you were wanting me to talk
about on the podcast, whatquestions you had.
I got some great questions andI have grabbed two of them for
today that I feel will be reallyrelevant to my listeners and
(00:43):
that will help so so many of you.
So today I'm going to beaddressing the issue of feeling
valued in your work, when toleave a job and finding your
edge after maybe you've beenaway or leveling up, or maybe
you're just trying to find youredge as you're adjusting to this
new challenge, this newopportunity.
I would love to do another Q&Abefore the end of this season.
So if you have questions, ifyou have topics, please email me
(01:07):
at newrollnowwhatatgmailcom orthrough my contact page on
AaronMFullycom.
You can always drop me amessage there and let me know
what you would love to hear onthe podcast.
So let's dive in.
Listener 1 asked me thefollowing question How do you
know when it's time to move onfrom a job?
(01:27):
I don't feel valued.
I don't see growth opportunityin this job, but I like the
flexibility.
So I want to start withListener 1 by I love that I'm
calling them Listener 1.
It sounds like I used to listento like Delilah love songs.
I feel like I'm like hellolistener.
You're on the air.
Anyway, let's dive in withListener 1 and I want to start
(01:50):
with the part you mentionedabout not feeling valued.
So this is where my coach flag,my coach tentacles, pop up and
I'm like whoa, whoa, whoa.
Before I start digging in on howyou can figure out if it's time
to move on, we need to addressthis feeling that you don't
currently feel valued in therole that you're in.
(02:11):
Often, when we don't feelvalued, it is a sign that you
are struggling to see your ownvalue and you're wanting other
people to fill in that lack byshowing you that you're valuable
.
So 90% of the time when I'mworking with clients and they're
(02:31):
really struggling with thispiece of like, i'm not being
valued.
I'm not being valued.
When I really dig in, idiscover that they are
questioning their value in someway, and what you're seeking
outside of yourself is someonein this job to make me feel
valuable, and what that lookslike is different for everyone.
So for some of you, it meansyou need them to tell you that
(02:54):
you're valued.
For some of you, it meansthanking you more often for the
work.
For some of you, it meansthey're not asking me what my
opinion is or asking me tocontribute or asking me to speak
up more.
So it's really pretty subjective.
It's kind of like lovelanguages.
What we need to feel valued isjust dependent on our own
personal needs and our ownpersonal preferences for what
(03:17):
makes us feel valued, and it canbe very, very different from
person to person.
So the thing I like to do formy clients is take away the need
for anyone externally to makeyou feel valued and to allow
that to be internal.
So what you're going to hear metalking about today is that
confidence and feeling valuedare internal states, meaning we
(03:41):
don't have to have someone fromthe outside creating this for us
.
We can create this internally,and when you create it
internally, you are never at themercy of needing someone else
to create it for you And you'reable to make cleaner decisions
in terms of when you stay, whenyou leave, which jobs you take.
(04:02):
It's kind of like it allows youto show up to work a little bit
less needy.
It doesn't mean that you know.
If you're in a workplace andpeople are like constantly
telling you how valuable you areand what a contribution you're
making and how much theyappreciate you, that's great,
like good.
I'm happy.
I wish every workplace did thatfor everyone all the time, but
a lot of workplaces aren't goingto do that.
(04:23):
Sometimes people are going tobe very busy, very focused on
the goals in front of them, andsometimes you're just not going
to get a lot of that fromsupervisors, coworkers, people
around you, and what I want foryou is the ability for you to
stay in the jobs that you like,when you feel connected to the
work, without you feeling needyin terms of what you're needing
(04:46):
from the people around you inorder for you to feel satisfied
in your work.
So I'm going to start with this.
I don't feel value concept fromlistener one And we're going to
try to clean this up before youanswer the question of whether
or not it's time for you toleave.
So I want you to start bylooking at your current role and
(05:09):
how your role makes an impacton the larger organizational
goals.
So I want you to look at why isyour role necessary to the
organization?
and I want you to literallywrite that down.
What does your role do, with orwithout you in it?
Let's just like look at therole independent of you.
Why is it necessary?
What does it contribute?
(05:30):
What outcomes does it produce?
Why do they need it?
And then I want you to answerthe question how are your
specific skills you personallylistener one your specific
skills and your strengths, howare they making an important
contribution to this role, tothe organization, to your
department?
and I want you to connect tothose answers first.
(05:55):
Okay, we are not going to makeit the boss or the company's job
to make us feel valued.
We are going to connect to ourown value, and that is because
you always then have the powerto feel empowered, regardless of
how busy, how competent, howgood the people are around you
(06:15):
at communicating that value.
And one of the things I wantyou to be weary of is be careful
of your own value evaluations.
That sounds pretty confusing,but stick with me seeping into
this and what I mean by that isif you yourself are having any
(06:35):
feelings like I should be doingmore, i should be further along
in my career.
It doesn't make sense that I'min this role still.
I should be doing more thanthis.
If you have any judgments of thejob, the role that you're in,
and that you're not measuring upsomehow because you're in it,
(06:56):
it will become very difficultfor you to feel valued in that
role because you yourself arepotentially judging yourself and
judging the role, and these arepieces that I always, always,
always want to clean up when I'mcoaching before someone leaves
a job, and the reason is becauseI will see people take this
(07:16):
with them all the time.
So I will see people who arelike I left the job because I
didn't feel valued and then Igot another job and I still
don't feel valued, and they'resort of hopping around trying to
create that feeling of beingvalued, trying to get it from
the outside, and they can't seemto get that whole filled.
If you are someone who has hadany emotional history in could
(07:38):
be in your childhood, could bein your adult life, where you
have had some relationshipswhere you really felt like you
weren't valued, where you hadsome trauma, you will be even
more likely to feel this senseof not being valued in the
workspace.
So it becomes even moreimportant to clean that up so
that it doesn't keep coming withyou over and over and over
(07:58):
again.
So, listener one, i really wantyou to look at your role and
why it's necessary.
Look at your specific skillsand strengths, really connect to
the important contribution thatyour skills and strengths make
in this role, and I want you tostart from the assumption that
(08:19):
if the role exists and you'rebeing paid, then you are being
valued.
I'm going to say that again Ifthe role exists, the company has
chosen to keep this role.
You're being paid to be in therole.
You are being valued.
One of the things that I findthat's really helpful for people
(08:40):
is to look at your value as payexchange.
So it's like if someone comesand paints my house, they're
going to give me their time,their skills, they're going to
give me an outcome that I wantand I'm going to hand them a
paycheck.
Hopefully I'm the kind ofperson that says thank you so
much.
I really appreciate your time,but let's say that I'm not.
(09:00):
Let's say that I'm really busyand they finish the job and I
have an envelope and I leavethem their money and I pay them
the amount that's agreed upon.
The assumption is I've valuedtheir work, which is why I paid
them.
So if you can really connect tothe idea that companies don't
(09:22):
keep the job if they don't seethe job as valuable and they're
not going to pay you if theydon't see you as valuable, and
that the actual agreement thatyou signed up for is I'll give
you my time, my skills and theoutcomes that you're asking for,
you give me this paycheck andyou let that be the evidence
that you are valued.
This will clean it up for youand allow you to then look at
(09:48):
this job without feeling all ofthe emotional pieces of oh, they
don't value me, they don'tvalue my work.
My hunch is there may be somepart of you that's not valuing
the work or valuing thecontribution that's seeping in
and making it more evident toyou that you're not getting
enough thank yous or whatever itis from the company in terms of
(10:09):
valuing this.
So I'm going to reiterate againconfidence and value are within
your control, their internalstates.
We think they come from others,but they actually come from us
and it's easier to believe weare valued when everyone around
us is saying it, but you canactually believe it when no one
(10:32):
is saying it.
So this podcast right now, i'moffering you information.
There is no reciprocity on this.
I can't talk to you in thismoment.
People may or may not respondto this episode, but I believe
that what I am offering here isvaluable, even if no one says
(10:54):
that after I put this episodeout into the world, even though
I'm sitting here in a room bymyself offering you this
information and I'm not gettingany reciprocity, that it's great
, that it's valuable, that it'sreally helpful, because it's an
internal state, i can believethat what I'm offering is
valuable, whether or not youtell me that, okay.
(11:16):
So here's the question I want tooffer you to my listener.
If you felt confident andvalued, if you woke up tomorrow
and all the people around youtold you exactly what it is you
want to hear, if your supervisortold you what you wanted to
hear, if your coworkers told youwhat you wanted to hear, you
felt 100% confident in where youare in your career and the
(11:39):
contributions that you're making.
If all of that happenedtomorrow, would you still want
to seek a different job?
I want you to answer thatquestion for yourself and really
sit like slow down your brainand sit with that answer.
If your answer is, i would wantto stay in this job.
(11:59):
If I woke up tomorrow and mysupervisor behaved the way I
wanted him or her to behave andpeople gave me the appreciation
that I feel like I'm not gettingand people told me I was
contributing.
Well, if your answer is yeah,i'd want to stay then your work
is to really focus on connectingto your value and your own
confidence so that you're notdependent on people externally
(12:22):
to provide that for you, andthat is going to help you feel
so much better in this role.
And I do find that for somepeople, when they really lean
into their value and lean intotheir confidence and lean into
their strengths, sometimes itactually creates new
opportunities for them in theirplaces of employment, because
you start showing up really asyour highest potential and
(12:42):
sometimes we get opportunitiesor offers because of that.
If your answer is no if youranswer is, i would still despite
my supervisor telling me howmuch they appreciate me, despite
everyone around me telling mehow much they value my work, i
would still wake up tomorrow andfeel like I am ready for a
(13:03):
different opportunity.
I think I want to leave thisrole And I think it's time for
you to explore other options.
Okay, sometimes we want toleave a job because we really
just want to utilize differentskills and strengths, and that's
a perfectly fine reason toleave your job.
We feel like what we'reoffering is not what we want to
(13:25):
be offering.
The skills that we want to beutilizing on a daily basis are
not the skills that we'recurrently being asked to utilize
.
We're ready for a new challenge.
We're ready to utilizedifferent parts, or to grow, or
whatever that is.
I want to make sure that this isclear.
I'm not saying you're doingthis listener listener one, but
(13:48):
a lot of you might be which is,you don't have to dislike the
people or the environment inorder to leave.
What you have to be careful ofis, sometimes the brain wants an
out, and so it will startfixating on.
The people aren't good enough.
People don't value me.
This place is too toxic.
I don't like this environment.
(14:10):
It's really just wanting anexcuse to get out because it
really just wants to spend youreight hour day utilizing a
different skill doing somethingelse.
What can happen is that you cancreate a lot of I call it dirty
thinking or muck on your wayout where you feel resentful and
(14:30):
you start showing up in aself-sabotaging way, and then
you can bring that into yournext job.
It's always best if you canleave feeling really clean and
calm that maybe the preferencesfor how they work or how they
function don't align with yours,which is fine.
Maybe you're wanting to spendyour day focusing on something
else.
Maybe you feel like it's timefor a new challenge and you're
(14:52):
not seeing opportunities in thiscurrent company to take on
those new challenges.
Once you clean up this piece ofthe value and the confidence
and you make sure that you feelconfident and you know how to
create that feeling of beingvalued for yourself, then you're
able to get to a really cleanand clear answer for yourself.
For listener one, i just wantyou to know that if you feel
(15:15):
like coming into work andknowing that you are confident
and everyone around you isvaluing your contributions and
you still feel like you wouldlike a new opportunity and
something different than I thinkyou are on track in terms of
starting to explore that.
If not, then I think your workis in feeling valued and working
(15:38):
on your confidence.
Okay, listener two wrote in andsaid I want to get back on a
trajectory to the next level,but I lost the edge I used to
have.
She had put in her questionthat she was away from working
outside of the home because shewas working within the home
raising kids.
I'm having imposter syndrome.
I am petite, so I have to workharder on my executive presence.
(16:00):
How do I gain my confidence andclean up some of the feelings
from past negative situations?
Okay, listener two, i want topull apart a few things that you
said in your question and helpyou get out of this imposter
syndrome mindset and help youmove forward.
The first thing that I want totalk about is this thought that
I've lost the edge, that you'refeeling like you used to have an
(16:23):
edge and that you've lost it.
This is so interesting becausethis sentence is such a sneaky
sentence that sounds somewhatharmless, because what your
brain's doing is it's offeringyou a perspective that it
believes is objective and yourbrain thinks that by offering
(16:44):
you this objective perspective,you're going to be aware and
you're going to work really hardand you're going to know how to
overcome whatever you need toovercome.
But what's actually happeningis your brain is offering you an
opinion on yourself, not a fact.
I'm going to say that again.
(17:05):
Your brain's offering you anopinion that you think is a fact
and it is not a fact.
This opinion is working againstyou.
So let's explore this sneakylittle sentence that I've lost
my edge.
(17:28):
I'm going to guess that thisthought or this belief that I've
lost my edge, it's showing up,dressed up in all different
kinds of ways.
So when you wrote the questionin, you might have said I lost
my edge.
And on another day you mightsay these people are ahead of me
.
And on another day your brainmight offer you I've just been
(17:48):
out of the game for a while.
It's probably dressing this upin lots of different ways and
telling you the same overallmessage in several different
types of sentences and beliefs,but I just want to be able to
work with this one right now,because this is the one that you
wrote in and said when you'rethinking I've lost my edge,
you're going to feel likelypanicked, probably some level of
(18:13):
anxiety, and there's a sense ofinferiority in that sentence
that, if you believe you've lostyour edge, there's this
assumption that other peoplehave an edge that you don't have
.
So that makes you inferior tothem.
And when you feel panicked,anxious, inferior, you're going
to show up to work, to meetings,nervous, not speaking up,
(18:36):
second guessing yourself a lot,overthinking what you're saying,
and the outcome of this isgoing to be you showing up with
less edge.
Okay, that, the actual thoughtI have less edge is going to
lead you to showing up with lessedge because you're operating
from the space of anxiety andpanic and inferiority.
(18:59):
So the first thing I want to dois challenge this little sneaky
opinion that your brain hasgiven you that you've lost your
edge.
Your edge is not lost.
All that's happened is yourconfidence has gone down because
you have a little less practice.
That's it, okay.
Your brain has less evidence ofyour competency and your
(19:22):
capabilities in this settingsimply because you've had less
practice.
Okay, and I would argue that,as you have dove back in because
of this feeling that you'velost your edge, you're
practicing even less, like it'sprobably holding you back some
from showing up fully, whichmeans that you're not able to
(19:42):
actually be practicing yourcompetency, your capabilities,
your communication, yourspeaking up.
You're contributing all of it.
Your edge is in your experience, your approach, your
competencies, your capabilities,your ability to learn, and it
cannot be taken from you.
It is yours.
(20:04):
So I want you to start playingwith this assumption that your
edge can never be lost.
Okay, it's yours to keep.
You have it forever.
You may be a little out ofpractice in this setting
applying it, but it is there,and part of what I want you to
do is I want you to list outyour edge, all the ways you have
(20:27):
edge right now, today, based onyour experience when you were
in your professional work, yourexperience parenting and
managing your household, yourexperience now back in the
workplace, all of theperspectives that that
trajectory has offered you, allof the competencies that you
(20:48):
have, all of the capabilitiesthat you have.
I need your brain to see inblack and white the edge that
you have and I need you to writeit out as thoroughly as
possible so you can startconnecting back to that.
The second thing that you said,which I would argue is like
another version of this, dressedup differently.
You said in your question thatI'm petite so I have to work
(21:11):
harder on executive presence,and I would say this is another
sneaky belief that alerts me, asa coach, that a lot of your
insecurities are kind of runningthe show right now and that the
imposter mindset is taking over, and I know that there is some
research on things like how deepis your voice or how fast do
you speak or how tall are you interms of persuading people,
(21:34):
presence, all of those things.
I know that that's out there.
From a coaching perspective,focusing on this and connecting
to this I'm petite, so I have towork on my executive presence
is only going to create anxietyfor you.
It is not offering youmotivation as much as it's going
to offer you a feeling ofneeding to overcompensate and a
(21:58):
ton of pressure.
The thing about executivepresence is that that I know to
be true, based on my ownexperience and all of the
clients that I work with, isthat your executive presence is
based on your mindset.
Any executive presence thatcomes from your height, your
voice, your look, yourappearance, is going to happen
(22:19):
in the first 30 seconds ofsomeone seeing you and it's
going to be erased by what valueyou offer in the following 10
minutes.
Okay, so I don't want yououtsourcing your executive
presence to your height.
It is your mindset.
I am petite.
I have been petite my wholelife.
This just doesn't happen to bea belief that I've had.
(22:42):
Certainly I've had my ownimposter mindset beliefs I've
had to overcome.
I've had my own insecuritiesthat I've had to overcome For
whatever reason.
This is not one for me.
I have always had a strongpresence.
I have always believed that Ihave strong communication skills
.
I have always believed in thecrux of where I offer the most
(23:04):
value, that the value isundeniable.
So for me, there is no thoughtabout my size, my appearance, in
terms of whether people willfind me credible or think my
executive presence is strong,because any size or appearance
bias is quickly erased by myconfidence and the value that I
(23:25):
offer.
It's undeniable, right?
So for you, the thing that yourbrain is doing is it's kind of
taking circumstances that youfeel like you have little
control over and it's focusingon that, like I've been out of
the game for a while.
I can't control that, and sonow I'm going to have a ton of
(23:45):
anxiety that that's the reasonwhy all of this feels bad, and
then it's telling you I'm petiteand I can't control that, so
I'm going to have all thisanxiety that I have to overcome
that.
So it's just offering you theseperspectives that are focusing
on the things that are outsideof your control, and what is in
control for you is the valuethat you're able to offer, and
(24:07):
your executive presence willfollow from a strong mindset.
Always, always, right, you cando all the tips and tricks you
want to try to increase yourexecutive presence, but for my
clients, when I get themconnected to their competencies,
their capabilities, theircontributions, and I have them
(24:27):
showing up in service of theoutcome of whatever it is
they're working on, theirexecutive presence cleans itself
up immediately.
Right, because you just show upwith confidence, you show up
contributing and everyone in theroom can feel that.
So, for you, you do not need towork on executive presence.
You need to work on connectingto your value and your
contributions.
(24:47):
Your height is not an issue.
Okay, your height will besquelched by I don't know if
that's the right word, i thinkit is by the value that you
offer, 30 seconds after youoffer it, okay.
So I want you to shift out ofthinking about your height.
I want you to shift out ofthinking about how long you've
(25:08):
been in or not in the game.
Instead, we're going to connectyou back to your edge right now
, based on your skills, yourinsights, your knowledge and
your contributions.
I want you to write down.
I control my impact based onthe value I bring.
I control my impact based onthe value that I bring, and your
(25:31):
job is to get up to bat.
So the thing we want you doingmost is we want you practicing.
So, as you work on reallylisting out all of your
contributions, all of the valuethat you bring, all of your
skills, then I want you gettingup to bat.
I want you focusing on offeringvalue and service of whatever
(25:51):
it is that your role focuses onthe product, the client,
whatever you're contributing ina meeting, your job is to
practice.
It is to practice offering yourinsights to practice, offering
your value.
Practice, practice, practice.
That's all we need you doing isgetting up to bat from a space
that is connected to yourcontributions and from a space
that is focusing on the out whatis best for the outcome that's
(26:14):
in front of you.
The second part of your questionyou asked about how to clean up
stuff from previous jobs.
That is something that I getoften from my clients.
It's a little bit morecomplicated because it depends
on what it is that youexperienced in those previous
jobs and what that might haveleft you feeling.
(26:34):
So feel free to write back inif you want to focus in on that
specifically.
My hunch is that as you cleanup some of what I've offered you
today in this coaching, you'regoing to be feeling so much
stronger that those issues thatyou had in previous jobs may not
be showing up so much for you.
Okay y'all, so that is today'sfirst Q&A episode.
(26:55):
So fun diving in and answeringy'all's questions.
Thank you so much for the twolisteners who wrote in.
Gave us great questions thatwill be helpful, i know, for so
many of you who are listening.
I am here for you all.
If you are struggling withfeeling value, connecting to
your edge, showing up in yourfull potential, being focused
and confident at work, hop onover Aaron M as in mindset fully
(27:16):
dot com and grab a consultationsession.
I will be back with morecoaching for you.
In the meantime, i hope y'allhave a great week.
We have our very first Q&A episode, so stay tuned
to hear me answer two greatquestions submitted by listeners
.
Hi friends, welcome back.
I hope you all are having anincredible week so far.
I am very excited to be divingin.
(00:20):
Today I am doing my first Q&Aepisode.
I put out a call to you allasking you to write in and let
me know where you were stuck,what you were wanting me to talk
about on the podcast, whatquestions you had.
I got some great questions andI have grabbed two of them for
today that I feel will be reallyrelevant to my listeners and
(00:43):
that will help so so many of you.
So today I'm going to beaddressing the issue of feeling
valued in your work, when toleave a job and finding your
edge after maybe you've beenaway or leveling up, or maybe
you're just trying to find youredge as you're adjusting to this
new challenge, this newopportunity.
I would love to do another Q&Abefore the end of this season.
So if you have questions, ifyou have topics, please email me
(01:07):
at newrollnowwhatatgmailcom orthrough my contact page on
AaronMFullycom.
You can always drop me amessage there and let me know
what you would love to hear onthe podcast.
So let's dive in.
Listener 1 asked me thefollowing question How do you
know when it's time to move onfrom a job?
(01:27):
I don't feel valued.
I don't see growth opportunityin this job, but I like the
flexibility.
So I want to start withListener 1 by I love that I'm
calling them Listener 1.
It sounds like I used to listento like Delilah love songs.
I feel like I'm like hellolistener.
You're on the air.
Anyway, let's dive in withListener 1 and I want to start
(01:50):
with the part you mentionedabout not feeling valued.
So this is where my coach flag,my coach tentacles, pop up and
I'm like whoa, whoa, whoa.
Before I start digging in on howyou can figure out if it's time
to move on, we need to addressthis feeling that you don't
currently feel valued in therole that you're in.
(02:11):
Often, when we don't feelvalued, it is a sign that you
are struggling to see your ownvalue and you're wanting other
people to fill in that lack byshowing you that you're valuable
.
So 90% of the time when I'mworking with clients and they're
(02:31):
really struggling with thispiece of like, i'm not being
valued.
I'm not being valued.
When I really dig in, idiscover that they are
questioning their value in someway, and what you're seeking
outside of yourself is someonein this job to make me feel
valuable, and what that lookslike is different for everyone.
So for some of you, it meansyou need them to tell you that
(02:54):
you're valued.
For some of you, it meansthanking you more often for the
work.
For some of you, it meansthey're not asking me what my
opinion is or asking me tocontribute or asking me to speak
up more.
So it's really pretty subjective.
It's kind of like lovelanguages.
What we need to feel valued isjust dependent on our own
personal needs and our ownpersonal preferences for what
(03:17):
makes us feel valued, and it canbe very, very different from
person to person.
So the thing I like to do formy clients is take away the need
for anyone externally to makeyou feel valued and to allow
that to be internal.
So what you're going to hear metalking about today is that
confidence and feeling valuedare internal states, meaning we
(03:41):
don't have to have someone fromthe outside creating this for us
.
We can create this internally,and when you create it
internally, you are never at themercy of needing someone else
to create it for you And you'reable to make cleaner decisions
in terms of when you stay, whenyou leave, which jobs you take.
(04:02):
It's kind of like it allows youto show up to work a little bit
less needy.
It doesn't mean that you know.
If you're in a workplace andpeople are like constantly
telling you how valuable you areand what a contribution you're
making and how much theyappreciate you, that's great,
like good.
I'm happy.
I wish every workplace did thatfor everyone all the time, but
a lot of workplaces aren't goingto do that.
(04:23):
Sometimes people are going tobe very busy, very focused on
the goals in front of them, andsometimes you're just not going
to get a lot of that fromsupervisors, coworkers, people
around you, and what I want foryou is the ability for you to
stay in the jobs that you like,when you feel connected to the
work, without you feeling needyin terms of what you're needing
(04:46):
from the people around you inorder for you to feel satisfied
in your work.
So I'm going to start with this.
I don't feel value concept fromlistener one And we're going to
try to clean this up before youanswer the question of whether
or not it's time for you toleave.
So I want you to start bylooking at your current role and
(05:09):
how your role makes an impacton the larger organizational
goals.
So I want you to look at why isyour role necessary to the
organization?
and I want you to literallywrite that down.
What does your role do, with orwithout you in it?
Let's just like look at therole independent of you.
Why is it necessary?
What does it contribute?
(05:30):
What outcomes does it produce?
Why do they need it?
And then I want you to answerthe question how are your
specific skills you personallylistener one your specific
skills and your strengths, howare they making an important
contribution to this role, tothe organization, to your
department?
and I want you to connect tothose answers first.
(05:55):
Okay, we are not going to makeit the boss or the company's job
to make us feel valued.
We are going to connect to ourown value, and that is because
you always then have the powerto feel empowered, regardless of
how busy, how competent, howgood the people are around you
(06:15):
at communicating that value.
And one of the things I wantyou to be weary of is be careful
of your own value evaluations.
That sounds pretty confusing,but stick with me seeping into
this and what I mean by that isif you yourself are having any
(06:35):
feelings like I should be doingmore, i should be further along
in my career.
It doesn't make sense that I'min this role still.
I should be doing more thanthis.
If you have any judgments of thejob, the role that you're in,
and that you're not measuring upsomehow because you're in it,
(06:56):
it will become very difficultfor you to feel valued in that
role because you yourself arepotentially judging yourself and
judging the role, and these arepieces that I always, always,
always want to clean up when I'mcoaching before someone leaves
a job, and the reason is becauseI will see people take this
(07:16):
with them all the time.
So I will see people who arelike I left the job because I
didn't feel valued and then Igot another job and I still
don't feel valued, and they'resort of hopping around trying to
create that feeling of beingvalued, trying to get it from
the outside, and they can't seemto get that whole filled.
If you are someone who has hadany emotional history in could
(07:38):
be in your childhood, could bein your adult life, where you
have had some relationshipswhere you really felt like you
weren't valued, where you hadsome trauma, you will be even
more likely to feel this senseof not being valued in the
workspace.
So it becomes even moreimportant to clean that up so
that it doesn't keep coming withyou over and over and over
(07:58):
again.
So, listener one, i really wantyou to look at your role and
why it's necessary.
Look at your specific skillsand strengths, really connect to
the important contribution thatyour skills and strengths make
in this role, and I want you tostart from the assumption that
(08:19):
if the role exists and you'rebeing paid, then you are being
valued.
I'm going to say that again Ifthe role exists, the company has
chosen to keep this role.
You're being paid to be in therole.
You are being valued.
One of the things that I findthat's really helpful for people
(08:40):
is to look at your value as payexchange.
So it's like if someone comesand paints my house, they're
going to give me their time,their skills, they're going to
give me an outcome that I wantand I'm going to hand them a
paycheck.
Hopefully I'm the kind ofperson that says thank you so
much.
I really appreciate your time,but let's say that I'm not.
(09:00):
Let's say that I'm really busyand they finish the job and I
have an envelope and I leavethem their money and I pay them
the amount that's agreed upon.
The assumption is I've valuedtheir work, which is why I paid
them.
So if you can really connect tothe idea that companies don't
(09:22):
keep the job if they don't seethe job as valuable and they're
not going to pay you if theydon't see you as valuable, and
that the actual agreement thatyou signed up for is I'll give
you my time, my skills and theoutcomes that you're asking for,
you give me this paycheck andyou let that be the evidence
that you are valued.
This will clean it up for youand allow you to then look at
(09:48):
this job without feeling all ofthe emotional pieces of oh, they
don't value me, they don'tvalue my work.
My hunch is there may be somepart of you that's not valuing
the work or valuing thecontribution that's seeping in
and making it more evident toyou that you're not getting
enough thank yous or whatever itis from the company in terms of
(10:09):
valuing this.
So I'm going to reiterate againconfidence and value are within
your control, their internalstates.
We think they come from others,but they actually come from us
and it's easier to believe weare valued when everyone around
us is saying it, but you canactually believe it when no one
(10:32):
is saying it.
So this podcast right now, i'moffering you information.
There is no reciprocity on this.
I can't talk to you in thismoment.
People may or may not respondto this episode, but I believe
that what I am offering here isvaluable, even if no one says
(10:54):
that after I put this episodeout into the world, even though
I'm sitting here in a room bymyself offering you this
information and I'm not gettingany reciprocity, that it's great
, that it's valuable, that it'sreally helpful, because it's an
internal state, i can believethat what I'm offering is
valuable, whether or not youtell me that, okay.
(11:16):
So here's the question I want tooffer you to my listener.
If you felt confident andvalued, if you woke up tomorrow
and all the people around youtold you exactly what it is you
want to hear, if your supervisortold you what you wanted to
hear, if your coworkers told youwhat you wanted to hear, you
felt 100% confident in where youare in your career and the
(11:39):
contributions that you're making.
If all of that happenedtomorrow, would you still want
to seek a different job?
I want you to answer thatquestion for yourself and really
sit like slow down your brainand sit with that answer.
If your answer is, i would wantto stay in this job.
(11:59):
If I woke up tomorrow and mysupervisor behaved the way I
wanted him or her to behave andpeople gave me the appreciation
that I feel like I'm not gettingand people told me I was
contributing.
Well, if your answer is yeah,i'd want to stay then your work
is to really focus on connectingto your value and your own
confidence so that you're notdependent on people externally
(12:22):
to provide that for you, andthat is going to help you feel
so much better in this role.
And I do find that for somepeople, when they really lean
into their value and lean intotheir confidence and lean into
their strengths, sometimes itactually creates new
opportunities for them in theirplaces of employment, because
you start showing up really asyour highest potential and
(12:42):
sometimes we get opportunitiesor offers because of that.
If your answer is no if youranswer is, i would still despite
my supervisor telling me howmuch they appreciate me, despite
everyone around me telling mehow much they value my work, i
would still wake up tomorrow andfeel like I am ready for a
(13:03):
different opportunity.
I think I want to leave thisrole And I think it's time for
you to explore other options.
Okay, sometimes we want toleave a job because we really
just want to utilize differentskills and strengths, and that's
a perfectly fine reason toleave your job.
We feel like what we'reoffering is not what we want to
(13:25):
be offering.
The skills that we want to beutilizing on a daily basis are
not the skills that we'recurrently being asked to utilize
.
We're ready for a new challenge.
We're ready to utilizedifferent parts, or to grow, or
whatever that is.
I want to make sure that this isclear.
I'm not saying you're doingthis listener listener one, but
(13:48):
a lot of you might be which is,you don't have to dislike the
people or the environment inorder to leave.
What you have to be careful ofis, sometimes the brain wants an
out, and so it will startfixating on.
The people aren't good enough.
People don't value me.
This place is too toxic.
I don't like this environment.
(14:10):
It's really just wanting anexcuse to get out because it
really just wants to spend youreight hour day utilizing a
different skill doing somethingelse.
What can happen is that you cancreate a lot of I call it dirty
thinking or muck on your wayout where you feel resentful and
(14:30):
you start showing up in aself-sabotaging way, and then
you can bring that into yournext job.
It's always best if you canleave feeling really clean and
calm that maybe the preferencesfor how they work or how they
function don't align with yours,which is fine.
Maybe you're wanting to spendyour day focusing on something
else.
Maybe you feel like it's timefor a new challenge and you're
(14:52):
not seeing opportunities in thiscurrent company to take on
those new challenges.
Once you clean up this piece ofthe value and the confidence
and you make sure that you feelconfident and you know how to
create that feeling of beingvalued for yourself, then you're
able to get to a really cleanand clear answer for yourself.
For listener one, i just wantyou to know that if you feel
(15:15):
like coming into work andknowing that you are confident
and everyone around you isvaluing your contributions and
you still feel like you wouldlike a new opportunity and
something different than I thinkyou are on track in terms of
starting to explore that.
If not, then I think your workis in feeling valued and working
(15:38):
on your confidence.
Okay, listener two wrote in andsaid I want to get back on a
trajectory to the next level,but I lost the edge I used to
have.
She had put in her questionthat she was away from working
outside of the home because shewas working within the home
raising kids.
I'm having imposter syndrome.
I am petite, so I have to workharder on my executive presence.
(16:00):
How do I gain my confidence andclean up some of the feelings
from past negative situations?
Okay, listener two, i want topull apart a few things that you
said in your question and helpyou get out of this imposter
syndrome mindset and help youmove forward.
The first thing that I want totalk about is this thought that
I've lost the edge, that you'refeeling like you used to have an
(16:23):
edge and that you've lost it.
This is so interesting becausethis sentence is such a sneaky
sentence that sounds somewhatharmless, because what your
brain's doing is it's offeringyou a perspective that it
believes is objective and yourbrain thinks that by offering
(16:44):
you this objective perspective,you're going to be aware and
you're going to work really hardand you're going to know how to
overcome whatever you need toovercome.
But what's actually happeningis your brain is offering you an
opinion on yourself, not a fact.
I'm going to say that again.
(17:05):
Your brain's offering you anopinion that you think is a fact
and it is not a fact.
This opinion is working againstyou.
So let's explore this sneakylittle sentence that I've lost
my edge.
(17:28):
I'm going to guess that thisthought or this belief that I've
lost my edge, it's showing up,dressed up in all different
kinds of ways.
So when you wrote the questionin, you might have said I lost
my edge.
And on another day you mightsay these people are ahead of me
.
And on another day your brainmight offer you I've just been
(17:48):
out of the game for a while.
It's probably dressing this upin lots of different ways and
telling you the same overallmessage in several different
types of sentences and beliefs,but I just want to be able to
work with this one right now,because this is the one that you
wrote in and said when you'rethinking I've lost my edge,
you're going to feel likelypanicked, probably some level of
(18:13):
anxiety, and there's a sense ofinferiority in that sentence
that, if you believe you've lostyour edge, there's this
assumption that other peoplehave an edge that you don't have
.
So that makes you inferior tothem.
And when you feel panicked,anxious, inferior, you're going
to show up to work, to meetings,nervous, not speaking up,
(18:36):
second guessing yourself a lot,overthinking what you're saying,
and the outcome of this isgoing to be you showing up with
less edge.
Okay, that, the actual thoughtI have less edge is going to
lead you to showing up with lessedge because you're operating
from the space of anxiety andpanic and inferiority.
(18:59):
So the first thing I want to dois challenge this little sneaky
opinion that your brain hasgiven you that you've lost your
edge.
Your edge is not lost.
All that's happened is yourconfidence has gone down because
you have a little less practice.
That's it, okay.
Your brain has less evidence ofyour competency and your
(19:22):
capabilities in this settingsimply because you've had less
practice.
Okay, and I would argue that,as you have dove back in because
of this feeling that you'velost your edge, you're
practicing even less, like it'sprobably holding you back some
from showing up fully, whichmeans that you're not able to
(19:42):
actually be practicing yourcompetency, your capabilities,
your communication, yourspeaking up.
You're contributing all of it.
Your edge is in your experience, your approach, your
competencies, your capabilities,your ability to learn, and it
cannot be taken from you.
It is yours.
(20:04):
So I want you to start playingwith this assumption that your
edge can never be lost.
Okay, it's yours to keep.
You have it forever.
You may be a little out ofpractice in this setting
applying it, but it is there,and part of what I want you to
do is I want you to list outyour edge, all the ways you have
(20:27):
edge right now, today, based onyour experience when you were
in your professional work, yourexperience parenting and
managing your household, yourexperience now back in the
workplace, all of theperspectives that that
trajectory has offered you, allof the competencies that you
(20:48):
have, all of the capabilitiesthat you have.
I need your brain to see inblack and white the edge that
you have and I need you to writeit out as thoroughly as
possible so you can startconnecting back to that.
The second thing that you said,which I would argue is like
another version of this, dressedup differently.
You said in your question thatI'm petite so I have to work
(21:11):
harder on executive presence,and I would say this is another
sneaky belief that alerts me, asa coach, that a lot of your
insecurities are kind of runningthe show right now and that the
imposter mindset is taking over, and I know that there is some
research on things like how deepis your voice or how fast do
you speak or how tall are you interms of persuading people,
(21:34):
presence, all of those things.
I know that that's out there.
From a coaching perspective,focusing on this and connecting
to this I'm petite, so I have towork on my executive presence
is only going to create anxietyfor you.
It is not offering youmotivation as much as it's going
to offer you a feeling ofneeding to overcompensate and a
(21:58):
ton of pressure.
The thing about executivepresence is that that I know to
be true, based on my ownexperience and all of the
clients that I work with, isthat your executive presence is
based on your mindset.
Any executive presence thatcomes from your height, your
voice, your look, yourappearance, is going to happen
(22:19):
in the first 30 seconds ofsomeone seeing you and it's
going to be erased by what valueyou offer in the following 10
minutes.
Okay, so I don't want yououtsourcing your executive
presence to your height.
It is your mindset.
I am petite.
I have been petite my wholelife.
This just doesn't happen to bea belief that I've had.
(22:42):
Certainly I've had my ownimposter mindset beliefs I've
had to overcome.
I've had my own insecuritiesthat I've had to overcome For
whatever reason.
This is not one for me.
I have always had a strongpresence.
I have always believed that Ihave strong communication skills
.
I have always believed in thecrux of where I offer the most
(23:04):
value, that the value isundeniable.
So for me, there is no thoughtabout my size, my appearance, in
terms of whether people willfind me credible or think my
executive presence is strong,because any size or appearance
bias is quickly erased by myconfidence and the value that I
(23:25):
offer.
It's undeniable, right?
So for you, the thing that yourbrain is doing is it's kind of
taking circumstances that youfeel like you have little
control over and it's focusingon that, like I've been out of
the game for a while.
I can't control that, and sonow I'm going to have a ton of
(23:45):
anxiety that that's the reasonwhy all of this feels bad, and
then it's telling you I'm petiteand I can't control that, so
I'm going to have all thisanxiety that I have to overcome
that.
So it's just offering you theseperspectives that are focusing
on the things that are outsideof your control, and what is in
control for you is the valuethat you're able to offer, and
(24:07):
your executive presence willfollow from a strong mindset.
Always, always, right, you cando all the tips and tricks you
want to try to increase yourexecutive presence, but for my
clients, when I get themconnected to their competencies,
their capabilities, theircontributions, and I have them
(24:27):
showing up in service of theoutcome of whatever it is
they're working on, theirexecutive presence cleans itself
up immediately.
Right, because you just show upwith confidence, you show up
contributing and everyone in theroom can feel that.
So, for you, you do not need towork on executive presence.
You need to work on connectingto your value and your
contributions.
(24:47):
Your height is not an issue.
Okay, your height will besquelched by I don't know if
that's the right word, i thinkit is by the value that you
offer, 30 seconds after youoffer it, okay.
So I want you to shift out ofthinking about your height.
I want you to shift out ofthinking about how long you've
(25:08):
been in or not in the game.
Instead, we're going to connectyou back to your edge right now
, based on your skills, yourinsights, your knowledge and
your contributions.
I want you to write down.
I control my impact based onthe value I bring.
I control my impact based onthe value that I bring, and your
(25:31):
job is to get up to bat.
So the thing we want you doingmost is we want you practicing.
So, as you work on reallylisting out all of your
contributions, all of the valuethat you bring, all of your
skills, then I want you gettingup to bat.
I want you focusing on offeringvalue and service of whatever
(25:51):
it is that your role focuses onthe product, the client,
whatever you're contributing ina meeting, your job is to
practice.
It is to practice offering yourinsights to practice, offering
your value.
Practice, practice, practice.
That's all we need you doing isgetting up to bat from a space
that is connected to yourcontributions and from a space
that is focusing on the out whatis best for the outcome that's
(26:14):
in front of you.
The second part of your questionyou asked about how to clean up
stuff from previous jobs.
That is something that I getoften from my clients.
It's a little bit morecomplicated because it depends
on what it is that youexperienced in those previous
jobs and what that might haveleft you feeling.
(26:34):
So feel free to write back inif you want to focus in on that
specifically.
My hunch is that as you cleanup some of what I've offered you
today in this coaching, you'regoing to be feeling so much
stronger that those issues thatyou had in previous jobs may not
be showing up so much for you.
Okay y'all, so that is today'sfirst Q&A episode.
(26:55):
So fun diving in and answeringy'all's questions.
Thank you so much for the twolisteners who wrote in.
Gave us great questions thatwill be helpful, i know, for so
many of you who are listening.
I am here for you all.
If you are struggling withfeeling value, connecting to
your edge, showing up in yourfull potential, being focused
and confident at work, hop onover Aaron M as in mindset fully
(27:16):
dot com and grab a consultationsession.
I will be back with morecoaching for you.
In the meantime, i hope y'allhave a great week.
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