November 20, 2024 • 31 mins
In this episode, I answer a listener question about processing repressed memories of childhood sexual trauma and how we can learn to trust ourselves. Throughout this episode, I discuss my own experiences with repressed memories of sexual trauma. I discuss how self-doubt is common when processing repressed memories of trauma, how to listen to your body, the importance of acceptance, and how to practice gentleness with yourself throughout this process. My intention is to offer you some solace if you too find yourself navigating the stormy waters of repressed memories and to help you to trust yourself and your own process for navigating this trauma response.
Timestamps ⏱️
- Introduction: 0:15
- Listener Question: 2:47
- Outro: 30:44
For episode show notes, please visit: https://www.newviewadvice.com/113
For more free resources and to learn more about New View Advice, visit: https://www.newviewadvice.com/
Want to have a question answered? You can submit your question here: https://www.newviewadvice.com/ask-a-question
Thanks so much for listening! Sending you so much love
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
Welcome to New View Advice. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher, and I invite you to
join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever
problem or trauma is holding you back from living life to the fullest. Let's get
started. Hi there,
beautiful soul. My name is Amanda Durocher, and welcome to New View Advice. If you're
new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I offer guidance for the
(00:22):
healing journey. I do not believe I have all the answers you seek. I believe
you have all the answers. You just may need a new view and a little
help along the way. Thank you for joining me for today's episode. In today's
episode, I am answering a listener question about processing repressed
memories and how this process often creates self doubt and confusion.
Processing repressed and forgotten memories in my own life has been one of the most
(00:42):
confusing and painful experiences I have been through, So I very much
related to the feelings of this question. And in this episode, I
talk about my own experience processing repressed memories because, truthfully, as I
mentioned, it was an extremely confusing time for me, but I also
found it to be extremely liberating and helped me to trust myself on a deep,
deep level. So though this process is not a fun one to go
(01:04):
through, it's extremely hard. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. It's
also very freeing because the memories that have been
repressed have always lived within us. So if you are someone
navigating this experience, though it is so painful and it can be
so hard to navigate, I want you to remember that the information that is
coming forward for you to look at, to process, to witness, to
(01:26):
feel, and to heal has always lived within you. And when our
bodies do bring this information forward for us to process, it is extremely
painful, but that pain has been in our bodies the entire time. And that's
why it is liberating to process this information. Because
what I have found is that when we process it, it's like burdens are
lifted out of our body. These rocks we have been carrying, we
(01:48):
no longer need to carry, but it takes time to
navigate this process. So in this episode, we discuss how though it's
a very confusing process and often creates self doubt, it teaches us
to trust our bodies and to trust ourselves. I also talk
about why acceptance is important for healing repressed memories and the
importance of gentleness throughout this process. My intention for
(02:10):
this episode is to offer you some solace if you too find yourself navigating the
stormy waters of repressed memories and to help you to trust yourself in your
own process for navigating this trauma response. If you haven't
already, I invite you to check out my website after this episode. This question
discusses childhood sexual trauma. And on my website, I do have a
resource hub for healing from sexual trauma, and you can find that at newviewadvice.
(02:33):
Com, and you can find today's episode show notes at newviewadvice.com/113.
So with that, let's jump on into today's listener question.
Dear Amanda, for the last couple of years, I've been processing early childhood
sexual traumas around my dad. I have a few memories of him showering
(02:55):
with me and trying on pantyhose. But about a year ago, I did a brainspotting
session with my therapist that pulled up a suppressed memory of my dad
taking me to a movie and him pleasuring himself during the film. I was
probably around 6 or 7. I'm currently 49 years old.
The brain spotting session was very intense, and it felt like I was back in
that event including physical sensations and smells. My question is
(03:17):
this, how reliable are memories we bring up during a brain spotting
session or EMDR session? I ask because I'm still conflicted in
knowing if this memory is truly real or something that I made up. For the
most part, I believe it happened, but I always have this thought that I may
have just made it up, probably because I'm having a hard time believing my dad
did this. Thank you so much for this question. I am so
(03:39):
sorry that you are currently navigating the experience of processing
childhood sexual abuse and repressed memories. As you know from the podcast,
I too went through this process, and it can be very confusing, overwhelming,
and truly heartbreaking. First, I wanna say that the process here you
described sounds very similar to my own, so I do wanna
validate that I believe this is part of the process of processing repressed
(04:01):
memories. And how I saw my own experience in your question is
that you mentioned that before this memory came up, you
were processing 2 other memories. That reminds me a lot of my
experience personally. What I have found throughout the process
of repressed memories is that we only get one
memory or one piece of the memory at a time. So from what
(04:23):
I'm personally hearing in your question is that your body gave
you the showering and the pantyhose first to process. And then
when you accepted those because in your question, it sounds like you accept those as
truth. Then you were given this next memory that sounds a little bit
more graphic, a little bit more traumatic for you likely. There were
likely new beliefs taken on in that moment in the movie theater. And I mentioned
(04:44):
that because I found that through my process is that as we're processing repressed memories,
we're only given what we can handle at a time. It's a very common trauma
response when we cannot handle something in the moment, especially as
children. I think this is very common in childhood experiences.
We repress it. We forget it. It's a way our mind and body
can continue to move forward. So as a child, you're experiencing
(05:07):
trauma and abuse, and you did not have the choice
to leave that home. You were a child. You were 6 or 7, you mentioned
in your question. And so your body did what it had to do in
order to protect you at the time. And then we repress that
memory. We forget those memories. And then when we are ready, when
we have created enough safety within ourselves, those memories are able to
(05:29):
come up to the surface to be processed. I mention this all
because the concept of repressed memories is honestly sort of a crazy
concept when you first learn about it because it often is about
things that happened years or even decades ago, and it's
mind boggling. It's mind boggling that we could forget such traumatic
things. You know, when I was first coming to terms
(05:52):
with my own repressed memories, I couldn't believe that I could quote,
unquote forget these experiences. Wouldn't
I remember these in great detail because they're the most painful things
I've ever experienced? No. Actually,
the body and the mind are wired for survival,
and they do what they have to do to survive. And for some of us,
(06:14):
that includes repressing this trauma. And so,
unfortunately, today, if you Google repress memories,
it's still debated by researchers because memory isn't something we can
exactly prove scientifically. Memory is personal.
It's within our minds. Right? We can't exactly prove a memory.
I googled repressed memories before answering this question, and the Internet has
(06:36):
improved since I first googled repressed memories in 2018 when my
memories began returning. But it's still not the most helpful
Google results, so I do hope to offer you a new point of view on
this through my own experience. It's a process that I don't think
I've dived super deep into before on the podcast
because, as you know from your experience, it's
(06:57):
not really an explainable process. It's very,
very difficult to articulate. I will try my best here to
articulate it, but it's a process where you learn to
trust yourself because you know what your body
is communicating to you. And when we begin healing, it can
feel like a rabbit hole that we've fallen down and we wonder
(07:20):
when will this ever end? Will this ever end? Trust me. It does end. The
rabbit hole, there is a bottom to it, but it takes time and it often
takes years as you mentioned. I mention this because you said you've been
processing sexual trauma for years, and it took me years as
well. Think about how long you repressed this trauma. Truthfully, if you
heal this in 10 years, that's still so much shorter than the
(07:41):
30, 40 years you were living with this repress. So be
patient with yourself. It's a big part of the process. But in today's world, we
want everything to move fast, fast, fast, and we can't even fathom something
taking years. For me, it took 6 years to process my
repressed memories, and it's the process is going to take as long as it's going
to take because your body is not going to give you any information
(08:03):
or any more pieces of the puzzle or any more of the trauma that needs
to be processed until you are ready. I truly believe
that we do not get more than we are ready for. And it can be
very frustrating, but I just wanna reassure you to trust yourself
throughout this process. And for you, this trauma involves your father, so
that adds a very complicated layer. And so there's likely a lot of
(08:26):
beliefs around your father. As you mentioned, you're actually struggling to believe this
happened because you're struggling to believe what it means about your father, not what
it means about your life and your experience. My guess is when this came
up, you felt truth in your body, but you are grappling
with having to rewrite a truth about your
father. Because we have stories that we live throughout our life, beliefs that we
(08:49):
live by, ways we see the world, And processing repressed
memories involves you unraveling all the beliefs you had about the
world. That's what makes it so freaking confusing. So for
me, when my memories came back of being sexually assaulted in my childhood, the
most mind boggling part of it was that my entire
worldview shattered, and I had to rewrite the way I saw the
(09:11):
world, the way I saw myself, the way I saw life, the way I saw
everyone who was a part of my childhood, the way I saw my relationships in
the present. Everything was from a new lens.
And so not only are you grappling with trauma that
deserves its time to be processed, to be felt, to be grieved, you
are also seeing the world in an entirely new
(09:32):
way. And you're seeing yourself in an entirely new way. And for you, you're seeing
father in an entirely new way, and that is a lot to go through
at one time. And before I dive into a few
suggestions for you in how to trust yourself, I just wanna say that at the
end of the day, people can and maybe will call you crazy or they won't
believe you. I know that's been true in my life. But this process is
(09:54):
gonna be about you trusting yourself and trusting your body.
Sadly, knowing the truth of what happened isn't going to take away
the pain, and it's not gonna take away what happened. As pain has been living
in your body. It has always been there. Even though
it feels like you just learned this information, it truly has
always been there, and a part of you always did know this. A
(10:16):
deep, deep part of you that has been suppressed and repressed for
a very long time. An example I wanna use for how
I see processing repressed memories is that, say you have a car
and this car has a warning light on, and you can't figure out
why this warning light is on, But it's pointing you that something's wrong.
The car still functions. You're still able to drive it. You're still able to move
(10:38):
about your day, but there's something off, and you can't identify what
it is. You may even bring it into mechanics. You may ask other
people. No one can tell you why this warning light is on.
And then one day, you figure it out. You figure out what the problem with
your car is, and shoot, it is so much bigger than you
expected, and it is gonna take a lot of time and resources for you
(11:00):
to fix this problem. But the problem was always there,
and it was getting worse and worse until you knew what it
was. And once you know what it is, though it's gonna take time and
resources to fix this car, you are able to fix it, or in a human
example, you're able to heal it. And when you do, your car will be running
brand new. You'll have a brand new car, and this car will move
(11:22):
better than ever before. And so processing repressed memories is
like having a warning light on. You didn't know what the problem was, and now
you do know what that problem is. So I also wanna say here that I
don't know if it helps in any way, but I wanna say that I believe
you. I know this process, and I believe that you went through some horrible and
traumatic experiences in your childhood. I do believe that you are
processing repressed memories, and I do believe it's a very confusing
(11:45):
process and that this too shall pass, and you will
know your truth at the end of this. I do wanna mention to anybody
listening, if you're like, what is brain spotting? What is EMDR? These are 2
psychotherapy techniques that are used to help
individuals process trauma, emotional distress, and other psychological
issues. I'm not gonna talk too much about what those are today, but I do
(12:06):
invite you to do your own research and to Google brain spotting and EMDR if
you have experienced trauma and you think maybe something like this could be helpful for
you. But today, I'm really gonna focus on the repressed memories part of this question.
So the next thing I wanna discuss is I really wanna dive into this self
doubt, because I believe self doubt will always arise when processing repressed
memories, and you are not alone in believing what happened to you and also
(12:27):
doubting yourself. I think self doubt is very common for many reasons. It's
so hard to articulate the process of repressed memories. The only way
I have ever been able to say it is that it's a process of feeling
the most sane and the most insane at the same time.
Maybe that resonates for you or maybe it doesn't. But for me, when new memories
arise that I've repressed or new layers of trauma, it's so
(12:49):
affirming when they first arise. It's also so painful.
Because as I mentioned with that car example, there were red flags and signs and
feelings in my body that I could not explain for so long, and
these are validated and affirmed by the
repressed memory coming to the surface. And I mention this because
with my experience processing repressed memories, I have this
(13:12):
affirming moment, and then quickly after that affirming moment, I usually
begin doubting myself. I start having thoughts of, is this true?
How do I know this for sure? Am I crazy? Maybe I made this
whole thing up. Am I being overdramatic? Am I sure?
And I find that many of these thoughts arise because I think the mind is
trying to keep us safe, but I also think we live in a world
(13:35):
that has solidified in our minds the importance of facts
and hard evidence. And when processing repressed memories,
it's something we have to accept is that our body is
the only hard evidence we're going to have that these
experiences happened. And with this, there's a quote I
heard that I wanted to share. I watched the documentary On the
(13:56):
Record, and it's about sexual assault allegations against
Russell Simmons, who was a hip hop mogul. And
this documentary mostly features the story of Drew Dixon, who is a
survivor of sexual assault. And she had this amazing quote that I've thought
about over and over again. And she says in the documentary, my
body is a crime scene. And this has stuck with me
(14:18):
for so long because all the proof and all the evidence of what we
experience throughout our lives lives in our bodies.
And when we are processing sexual assault, repressed memories,
childhood sexual trauma, our body is the crime
scene. Our body knows what happened. Our body
remembers. And with this, I wanna say here that I always
(14:40):
recommend the book, The Body Keeps the Score, for people processing
sexual trauma, but specifically repressed memories. This book is
very dense, and it has a lot of information in it. But for
me, when I read The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk,
he talks about repressed memories in it, and it was the first time I
felt so validated in my experience. I was reading why my
(15:02):
body responded the way it did. Because repressed memories is our trauma
response. It is a way our body and our minds know how
to process trauma in the moment. Most people don't
experience experiences like you and I where we feel like our
life is threatened, like our world is being shattered,
and our bodies and minds have to respond within the moment.
(15:25):
It is not until years later that most trauma
survivors are able to process that trauma. Most people are not
given a safe space within the moment, so the body and the mind have to
find a way to cope, especially as children and for you especially
that this was abuse done by your father. Your body and your mind
did the best it could when you were 6 or 7. I want you to
(15:46):
reassure yourself that. That though right now, you are
processing some really painful things, That this happened to you
when you were 6 or 7. Picture how young you
were. I have tears coming to my eyes right now. No child
deserves to be treated that way, and no child would ever
know how to process that in the moment.
(16:09):
And the fact that there are people in this world who look at childhood
trauma and just don't get what it would be like to be a child,
that's unfortunate for them. That's unfortunate for them. Anybody who judges
this process, that's unfortunate that they don't understand what it
would be like for a 6 or a 7 year old. Unfortunately, we live in
a world that really isn't that empathetic or understanding in a lot of different
(16:31):
ways. So when navigating this process, it's important for you
to be empathetic towards yourself and very,
very empathetic and gentle with that young child
self. So when you are asking yourself how reliable these
memories are, I obviously can't say for certain. Only you
can. But I can say that to me from your question, it makes sense
(16:53):
that this next memory arose. And as I've mentioned, I
see my process and your process. I think they sound very similar with how
more memories tend to come back as we process 1. The next one can
come forward, and oftentimes, the next one can be a little bit more painful than
the first one. It's almost like our body's like, here's the lightest one. Can you
handle that? Here's a darker truth. Here's an even
(17:15):
darker truth. Wow. You were able to process that? I'm gonna give you a
darker truth. That's what I found with mine is that they tended
to become a little darker, a little more painful, but I also had
the tools. I was able to process them, and my
body never gave it to me until I had those tools in place, until
it knew, okay. You were able to process that. Now you can process this. I
(17:38):
think our bodies are so intelligent. And
navigating repressed memories connects us to our bodies, which is something we
were disconnected from. Because when we live with repressed
trauma, it disconnects us from ourselves. And so connecting
back to ourselves is one of the gifts of going through this extremely painful
process. And I don't call it painful to scare anybody
(17:59):
off. I'm just assuming and maybe I'm making a bad assumption here, but
I'm assuming that everybody who's going through this process understands how
painful it is because you're navigating it yourself. And so this leads me
into wanting to talk a bit more about the body and your relationship with your
body. In your question, you said, the brain spotting session was
very intense, and it felt like I was back at the event, including
(18:20):
physical sensations and smells. So here you
describe a very detailed and visceral reaction to your brain spotting
session, and I find this very interesting. I've also found that when
processing these experiences that it could be very visceral,
and it's like you're back there. And I believe that's because
the body has held on to this trauma for a very long time. It has
(18:42):
held on to this experience. You disconnected from
it in that moment, and so it's so visceral because none of it has been
processed yet, and you are processing that now, and it takes time to
process that. I think that part of healing
repressed memories is, as I've said multiple times, it's learning how to trust your
body. When I was grappling with self doubt throughout the process
(19:04):
of repressed memories, I would go back to over and over again how
the information landed in my body. So for me, truth feels
grounding. These truths would elicit a lot of hard emotions, but
I would feel grounded in my body when I received this information.
And for me, when repressed memories come in, I have, like, a flash of insight.
It's a full body knowing that, yes, this was true, and then my
(19:26):
mind would come in and fight me. And the truth is I've been through this
process enough. I've had enough layers come back over time,
so many, that the process is the same every time. That now I just
know the process, but it took time for me to understand that for me,
it's often a flash of insight, a full body knowing, super hard feelings, and
then the mind's going to attack me. The mind is then gonna attack me with
(19:48):
self doubt. It's gonna call me crazy. It's gonna try to keep me from
going deeper into this because it's trying to keep me safe. It's really such
a inherent part of our body is survival. And so processing
trauma often puts us into that survival mode, right, that fight or
flight. And so we have to learn to connect back to our
body, slow down, take care of ourselves in order to
(20:10):
process this. Because with for you with your question, I believe
that if you take the time to slow down and to
be with yourself and to ask yourself in that quiet place,
in meditation, in journaling, in nature, is this true about
my dad? Your body will communicate to you what is true.
But my guess is, as many trauma survivors are, you're often in that fight or
(20:33):
flight place. When we're in fight or flight, the mind is often going
crazy. So I just invite you when you're reflecting on this to also ask
yourself, am I in fight or flight right now? Am I feeling stressed? Am I
feeling overwhelmed? Or am I in a peaceful place and still doubting
myself? Because I find that doubt is much more common when we're stressed
and when we're stressing ourselves out and when we're judging ourself and we're in that
(20:54):
fight or flight. It's when we're in that peaceful place where the truth
arises, but we often run away from that place because what also lives
there are really hard feelings. We often
don't allow ourselves to slow down enough because we're avoiding
the immense grief that needs to be felt. The
heartbreak, the devastation, the despair,
(21:17):
the fear that we won't survive how hard of an experience
this is. I assure you, you will. You already survived
it. These memories are only coming up because your body knows
you are ready to be with these really hard feelings. And this
leads me into the importance of acceptance when
healing from repressed memories. I have found that a key part
(21:39):
of processing repressed memories is believing yourself and accepting the
truth. Now I also find that that means you have to accept the
feelings and the body sensations and not attach to
details and information that you haven't gotten yet or you
may never get. When processing repressed memories, I have found
that the mind, when I'm in that stress place, can become obsessed with details
(22:01):
and getting information I hadn't received yet, and that would keep me
stuck and from moving forward and from fully
processing this, the obsession with details. When I was first processing
being sexually assaulted in my childhood, I was obsessed with what was I
wearing? Did this happen to me in the bedroom or the basement? I couldn't
figure out if it was the bedroom or the basement. And for some reason that
(22:24):
detail was so important to me. I actually didn't receive the answer to
that question until I accepted this horrible thing happened to me.
I know it happened to me. And I don't need to know what I was
wearing, how I got there, or where exactly it happened,
but I know this happened to me. And I accepted it
fully, that I may not get any other information about that experience. But I
(22:46):
accepted what my body had communicated. And once I accepted
what my body had communicated, and then it gave me more information about
that experience. And it was the same thing with my gang rape in my teen
years. I also repressed and forgot that experience as well.
And each time, I had to accept the information I had been given. At
first, I had to accept, something really bad happened to me in the woods. I
(23:08):
may never know exactly what it was. Then I got more pieces of the puzzle.
Then I had to accept, I was sexually assaulted in the woods. Then I had
to accept, I was sexually assaulted by multiple people in the woods.
Oof. That was a hard one. Then I had to accept,
oh, it was violent. I was pinned down and strangled.
Okay. Then I had to accept there were bystanders. And
(23:31):
there were more layers as well. But I mention that because I had to
accept each layer before I was given more
information. We often keep ourselves from the next step of our healing
journey by living in that self doubt and not
accepting what happened. And the reason, again, we don't accept
what happened is because accepting what happened involves the hardest
(23:53):
part. It involves feeling all the really hard
feelings that you have been avoiding for a very long time or that you
also repressed. So we repress the information, and with that information, it's like
we're given this package at our door. And on the package, it says,
repress memory. And you're like, ugh. I don't wanna open this. I don't wanna
open this. I know what's in there. And you open the card, and it tells
(24:14):
you what's in the box. And you're like, oh, when I open that box, I'm
gonna have to, like, fully dive into that box. Maybe this box isn't for
me. Maybe this present isn't mine. Does anybody else want this present? But it's when
you take that box inside and you open it and you
feel all the feelings in that box that you will begin to feel free.
You'll begin to trust yourself. Pieces of your life that didn't make sense will
(24:36):
begin to make sense, and you will learn to love yourself
in a new way is what's coming to mind. Because this process of
processing repressed memories is an act of self love.
The more you sit with it, the more you process those hard feelings, the more
you allow your truth to be mind bending for yourself,
the more you allow that truth to come forward and rewrite that life
(24:59):
narrative that was never true, the freer you will feel and the more
connected back to yourself and your heart you will feel, and the more you will
love yourself, and the more empathy you'll have for yourself and others. And
so with all that, it's going to require an immense amount of
gentleness with yourself in order to process these
repressed memories. Processing repressed memories is when I personally
(25:21):
began meditating daily. I talk about that a lot on the podcast, and I've
had people say things to me like, oh, it must be nice, or I don't
have time to meditate, or I can't believe you meditate for an hour. What a
luxury. Yes. It is a luxury at this point, but it also was a
lifeline. It was also necessary for me
to begin quieting my mind, getting out of fight or
(25:43):
flight, and feeling those feelings daily. It was
important for my own sanity and my own survival
because I couldn't live in the crazy thoughts of am I sane
or am I insane every day. And oftentimes, when my
memory comes back, I live there for a while. I live in the self doubt
until I can no longer doubt myself anymore, and then I begin feeling those
(26:05):
hard feelings. And I live in the self doubt place less and less now. I'm
personally hoping I've hit the end of my barrel and that there's no more repressed
memories, but I've also accepted the process and that there may be more that needs
to come forward, and that's okay with me. I know I've
got my back. I know I have my own. I know I'm strong. I know
I'm resilient. And I know that my body will not give
(26:28):
me anything I can't handle, and it will only give it to me when I'm
ready. And so for you, I think it's important for you to prioritize time
for yourself. Meditating, journaling, therapy. Maybe you need
to go to therapy more than once a week. I know I go through times
in my life where I go to therapy twice a week. Maybe you need to
spend some more time in nature. Maybe you need a vacation that might not
(26:48):
feel so much like a vacation. It just might be space for you to process
some of this really difficult stuff. But for me with repressed memories,
I had to do it for a full time job for a long time,
and I had to do it on my own. It's a process that only
you can really do that work. You know? Each of us has our
own inner work. And processing repressed memories, there are people who can support you through
(27:10):
that. Like I said, I'm glad you work with a professional. Maybe you wanna invite
in a trauma professional or another day a week of therapy. I don't know what's
best for you. But at the end of the day, it's gonna be you who
has to feel those hard feelings, and it's gonna have to be you who begins
grieving the childhood you thought you had and accepting the one
you did have. And that's one of the hardest parts. So throughout this process,
(27:30):
it's also really important to dive into inner child work and to
be with that 6 or 7 year old. I'll link some inner child resources on
my website at newgoodadvice.com/113. I have a
meditation and a dialoguing with your inner child, but I also always
recommend letter writing exercise. So maybe writing a letter to that 6 or 7
year old who is likely terrified in that movie theater,
(27:53):
telling them that you believe them. Because when we don't believe
ourselves, it's that we're really not believing those young children within us,
the ones who were young and who needed an adult to believe
them. And so through processing repressed memories, we become the
adult who believes that child who did not have the safety
or the trust they needed at that time. And so it's
(28:15):
so important and so healing to connect to that inner child.
It really is a beautiful union is how I see it. I think
the repressed parts of us almost live outside of us for a long time,
and processing repressed memories is bringing that part of us home to ourself. And that
has been such a gift in my life to bring all these pieces of me
home to myself that I labeled wrong, unworthy, not enough,
(28:37):
liars, insane. By bringing those home and saying, I am
so sorry. I love you. I'm here for you no matter what. I'm here for
all your hard feelings. I have created a deep love of
self that has taken time for me to cultivate, but it's pretty
unshakable at this time. And so though, as I've said many
times, this process is extremely difficult. I do believe there are gifts in
(29:00):
healing, and those gifts often include getting to know ourselves,
our own heart, and that love of self, which we all deserve. It becomes
easier and we get to feel that deeper within ourselves.
The last thing I wanna say before I wrap up this question is if you
take anything from this episode, I want you to take that you can trust yourself.
Something I also like to remember is that nobody wants to remember being sexually
(29:22):
abused. Nobody wants to view their parent like an abuser when they hadn't remembered
that. Nobody wants this to be their truth. I know that was true in my
life. I don't want my story to be my story. I'm gonna be
honest. There are days I look out the window as I write about my
story that I'm like, can I have a different story? And
I joke about that because the truth is this is my story. I accept
(29:43):
it. But nobody wants to have to go through
this process. So when you're doubting yourself, remember that you're not asking for
this. You didn't want this. This isn't your fault. This is just part
of healing, and it's okay. And you can trust yourself.
And I found in my own life that the more I trust myself and choose
to believe myself, the more these memories settle. Processing repressed
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memories often feels like a battle is waging within, and it
stops waging when I trust myself. And I know my own
truth. And that self trust is really developed throughout this process. And I
just wanna reassure you that you can trust yourself. This process takes patience. You are
doing the work. I hear it in your question. You wouldn't be asking this question
if you weren't doing the work. And though it can be
(30:27):
mind boggling and very disorienting, you are on the right
path. You are always being guided, and you can trust yourself.
So I hope something in this answer was helpful. I'm sending you so much love.
Thank you for this question.
Thank you so much for joining me for this episode of New View Advice. If
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you haven't already, I have bonus episodes on the podcast that I'm calling
my reflection series, which is stories of me reflecting on my own
healing journey. I mentioned that here because if you listen to reflection 2, this
story took me a very long time to piece together. Some
of these things I always remembered. Some of these things were repressed memories that came
back later, and it took me years to be able to put together an
(31:11):
articulate narrative. So I share that here because if you listen
to reflections number 2, you can hear a story that wasn't always clear for me,
that is clear now, but that is a gift I got through
processing repressed memories. So if you give it a listen, please let me know.
Or if you like this episode, I invite you to leave a rating or review
or send me an email. I always love connecting with the new View Advice
(31:32):
community. And thank you so much for joining me for this new View
Advice. As always, I hope I was able to offer you a new View on
whatever you may be going through. Sending you all my love. See you next time.
Welcome to New View Advice. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher, and I invite you to
join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever
problem or trauma is holding you back from living life to the fullest. Let's get
started. Hi there,
beautiful soul. My name is Amanda Durocher, and welcome to New View Advice. If you're
new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I offer guidance for the
(00:22):
healing journey. I do not believe I have all the answers you seek. I believe
you have all the answers. You just may need a new view and a little
help along the way. Thank you for joining me for today's episode. In today's
episode, I am answering a listener question about processing repressed
memories and how this process often creates self doubt and confusion.
Processing repressed and forgotten memories in my own life has been one of the most
(00:42):
confusing and painful experiences I have been through, So I very much
related to the feelings of this question. And in this episode, I
talk about my own experience processing repressed memories because, truthfully, as I
mentioned, it was an extremely confusing time for me, but I also
found it to be extremely liberating and helped me to trust myself on a deep,
deep level. So though this process is not a fun one to go
(01:04):
through, it's extremely hard. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. It's
also very freeing because the memories that have been
repressed have always lived within us. So if you are someone
navigating this experience, though it is so painful and it can be
so hard to navigate, I want you to remember that the information that is
coming forward for you to look at, to process, to witness, to
(01:26):
feel, and to heal has always lived within you. And when our
bodies do bring this information forward for us to process, it is extremely
painful, but that pain has been in our bodies the entire time. And that's
why it is liberating to process this information. Because
what I have found is that when we process it, it's like burdens are
lifted out of our body. These rocks we have been carrying, we
(01:48):
no longer need to carry, but it takes time to
navigate this process. So in this episode, we discuss how though it's
a very confusing process and often creates self doubt, it teaches us
to trust our bodies and to trust ourselves. I also talk
about why acceptance is important for healing repressed memories and the
importance of gentleness throughout this process. My intention for
(02:10):
this episode is to offer you some solace if you too find yourself navigating the
stormy waters of repressed memories and to help you to trust yourself in your
own process for navigating this trauma response. If you haven't
already, I invite you to check out my website after this episode. This question
discusses childhood sexual trauma. And on my website, I do have a
resource hub for healing from sexual trauma, and you can find that at newviewadvice.
(02:33):
Com, and you can find today's episode show notes at newviewadvice.com/113.
So with that, let's jump on into today's listener question.
Dear Amanda, for the last couple of years, I've been processing early childhood
sexual traumas around my dad. I have a few memories of him showering
(02:55):
with me and trying on pantyhose. But about a year ago, I did a brainspotting
session with my therapist that pulled up a suppressed memory of my dad
taking me to a movie and him pleasuring himself during the film. I was
probably around 6 or 7. I'm currently 49 years old.
The brain spotting session was very intense, and it felt like I was back in
that event including physical sensations and smells. My question is
(03:17):
this, how reliable are memories we bring up during a brain spotting
session or EMDR session? I ask because I'm still conflicted in
knowing if this memory is truly real or something that I made up. For the
most part, I believe it happened, but I always have this thought that I may
have just made it up, probably because I'm having a hard time believing my dad
did this. Thank you so much for this question. I am so
(03:39):
sorry that you are currently navigating the experience of processing
childhood sexual abuse and repressed memories. As you know from the podcast,
I too went through this process, and it can be very confusing, overwhelming,
and truly heartbreaking. First, I wanna say that the process here you
described sounds very similar to my own, so I do wanna
validate that I believe this is part of the process of processing repressed
(04:01):
memories. And how I saw my own experience in your question is
that you mentioned that before this memory came up, you
were processing 2 other memories. That reminds me a lot of my
experience personally. What I have found throughout the process
of repressed memories is that we only get one
memory or one piece of the memory at a time. So from what
(04:23):
I'm personally hearing in your question is that your body gave
you the showering and the pantyhose first to process. And then
when you accepted those because in your question, it sounds like you accept those as
truth. Then you were given this next memory that sounds a little bit
more graphic, a little bit more traumatic for you likely. There were
likely new beliefs taken on in that moment in the movie theater. And I mentioned
(04:44):
that because I found that through my process is that as we're processing repressed memories,
we're only given what we can handle at a time. It's a very common trauma
response when we cannot handle something in the moment, especially as
children. I think this is very common in childhood experiences.
We repress it. We forget it. It's a way our mind and body
can continue to move forward. So as a child, you're experiencing
(05:07):
trauma and abuse, and you did not have the choice
to leave that home. You were a child. You were 6 or 7, you mentioned
in your question. And so your body did what it had to do in
order to protect you at the time. And then we repress that
memory. We forget those memories. And then when we are ready, when
we have created enough safety within ourselves, those memories are able to
(05:29):
come up to the surface to be processed. I mention this all
because the concept of repressed memories is honestly sort of a crazy
concept when you first learn about it because it often is about
things that happened years or even decades ago, and it's
mind boggling. It's mind boggling that we could forget such traumatic
things. You know, when I was first coming to terms
(05:52):
with my own repressed memories, I couldn't believe that I could quote,
unquote forget these experiences. Wouldn't
I remember these in great detail because they're the most painful things
I've ever experienced? No. Actually,
the body and the mind are wired for survival,
and they do what they have to do to survive. And for some of us,
(06:14):
that includes repressing this trauma. And so,
unfortunately, today, if you Google repress memories,
it's still debated by researchers because memory isn't something we can
exactly prove scientifically. Memory is personal.
It's within our minds. Right? We can't exactly prove a memory.
I googled repressed memories before answering this question, and the Internet has
(06:36):
improved since I first googled repressed memories in 2018 when my
memories began returning. But it's still not the most helpful
Google results, so I do hope to offer you a new point of view on
this through my own experience. It's a process that I don't think
I've dived super deep into before on the podcast
because, as you know from your experience, it's
(06:57):
not really an explainable process. It's very,
very difficult to articulate. I will try my best here to
articulate it, but it's a process where you learn to
trust yourself because you know what your body
is communicating to you. And when we begin healing, it can
feel like a rabbit hole that we've fallen down and we wonder
(07:20):
when will this ever end? Will this ever end? Trust me. It does end. The
rabbit hole, there is a bottom to it, but it takes time and it often
takes years as you mentioned. I mention this because you said you've been
processing sexual trauma for years, and it took me years as
well. Think about how long you repressed this trauma. Truthfully, if you
heal this in 10 years, that's still so much shorter than the
(07:41):
30, 40 years you were living with this repress. So be
patient with yourself. It's a big part of the process. But in today's world, we
want everything to move fast, fast, fast, and we can't even fathom something
taking years. For me, it took 6 years to process my
repressed memories, and it's the process is going to take as long as it's going
to take because your body is not going to give you any information
(08:03):
or any more pieces of the puzzle or any more of the trauma that needs
to be processed until you are ready. I truly believe
that we do not get more than we are ready for. And it can be
very frustrating, but I just wanna reassure you to trust yourself
throughout this process. And for you, this trauma involves your father, so
that adds a very complicated layer. And so there's likely a lot of
(08:26):
beliefs around your father. As you mentioned, you're actually struggling to believe this
happened because you're struggling to believe what it means about your father, not what
it means about your life and your experience. My guess is when this came
up, you felt truth in your body, but you are grappling
with having to rewrite a truth about your
father. Because we have stories that we live throughout our life, beliefs that we
(08:49):
live by, ways we see the world, And processing repressed
memories involves you unraveling all the beliefs you had about the
world. That's what makes it so freaking confusing. So for
me, when my memories came back of being sexually assaulted in my childhood, the
most mind boggling part of it was that my entire
worldview shattered, and I had to rewrite the way I saw the
(09:11):
world, the way I saw myself, the way I saw life, the way I saw
everyone who was a part of my childhood, the way I saw my relationships in
the present. Everything was from a new lens.
And so not only are you grappling with trauma that
deserves its time to be processed, to be felt, to be grieved, you
are also seeing the world in an entirely new
(09:32):
way. And you're seeing yourself in an entirely new way. And for you, you're seeing
father in an entirely new way, and that is a lot to go through
at one time. And before I dive into a few
suggestions for you in how to trust yourself, I just wanna say that at the
end of the day, people can and maybe will call you crazy or they won't
believe you. I know that's been true in my life. But this process is
(09:54):
gonna be about you trusting yourself and trusting your body.
Sadly, knowing the truth of what happened isn't going to take away
the pain, and it's not gonna take away what happened. As pain has been living
in your body. It has always been there. Even though
it feels like you just learned this information, it truly has
always been there, and a part of you always did know this. A
(10:16):
deep, deep part of you that has been suppressed and repressed for
a very long time. An example I wanna use for how
I see processing repressed memories is that, say you have a car
and this car has a warning light on, and you can't figure out
why this warning light is on, But it's pointing you that something's wrong.
The car still functions. You're still able to drive it. You're still able to move
(10:38):
about your day, but there's something off, and you can't identify what
it is. You may even bring it into mechanics. You may ask other
people. No one can tell you why this warning light is on.
And then one day, you figure it out. You figure out what the problem with
your car is, and shoot, it is so much bigger than you
expected, and it is gonna take a lot of time and resources for you
(11:00):
to fix this problem. But the problem was always there,
and it was getting worse and worse until you knew what it
was. And once you know what it is, though it's gonna take time and
resources to fix this car, you are able to fix it, or in a human
example, you're able to heal it. And when you do, your car will be running
brand new. You'll have a brand new car, and this car will move
(11:22):
better than ever before. And so processing repressed memories is
like having a warning light on. You didn't know what the problem was, and now
you do know what that problem is. So I also wanna say here that I
don't know if it helps in any way, but I wanna say that I believe
you. I know this process, and I believe that you went through some horrible and
traumatic experiences in your childhood. I do believe that you are
processing repressed memories, and I do believe it's a very confusing
(11:45):
process and that this too shall pass, and you will
know your truth at the end of this. I do wanna mention to anybody
listening, if you're like, what is brain spotting? What is EMDR? These are 2
psychotherapy techniques that are used to help
individuals process trauma, emotional distress, and other psychological
issues. I'm not gonna talk too much about what those are today, but I do
(12:06):
invite you to do your own research and to Google brain spotting and EMDR if
you have experienced trauma and you think maybe something like this could be helpful for
you. But today, I'm really gonna focus on the repressed memories part of this question.
So the next thing I wanna discuss is I really wanna dive into this self
doubt, because I believe self doubt will always arise when processing repressed
memories, and you are not alone in believing what happened to you and also
(12:27):
doubting yourself. I think self doubt is very common for many reasons. It's
so hard to articulate the process of repressed memories. The only way
I have ever been able to say it is that it's a process of feeling
the most sane and the most insane at the same time.
Maybe that resonates for you or maybe it doesn't. But for me, when new memories
arise that I've repressed or new layers of trauma, it's so
(12:49):
affirming when they first arise. It's also so painful.
Because as I mentioned with that car example, there were red flags and signs and
feelings in my body that I could not explain for so long, and
these are validated and affirmed by the
repressed memory coming to the surface. And I mention this because
with my experience processing repressed memories, I have this
(13:12):
affirming moment, and then quickly after that affirming moment, I usually
begin doubting myself. I start having thoughts of, is this true?
How do I know this for sure? Am I crazy? Maybe I made this
whole thing up. Am I being overdramatic? Am I sure?
And I find that many of these thoughts arise because I think the mind is
trying to keep us safe, but I also think we live in a world
(13:35):
that has solidified in our minds the importance of facts
and hard evidence. And when processing repressed memories,
it's something we have to accept is that our body is
the only hard evidence we're going to have that these
experiences happened. And with this, there's a quote I
heard that I wanted to share. I watched the documentary On the
(13:56):
Record, and it's about sexual assault allegations against
Russell Simmons, who was a hip hop mogul. And
this documentary mostly features the story of Drew Dixon, who is a
survivor of sexual assault. And she had this amazing quote that I've thought
about over and over again. And she says in the documentary, my
body is a crime scene. And this has stuck with me
(14:18):
for so long because all the proof and all the evidence of what we
experience throughout our lives lives in our bodies.
And when we are processing sexual assault, repressed memories,
childhood sexual trauma, our body is the crime
scene. Our body knows what happened. Our body
remembers. And with this, I wanna say here that I always
(14:40):
recommend the book, The Body Keeps the Score, for people processing
sexual trauma, but specifically repressed memories. This book is
very dense, and it has a lot of information in it. But for
me, when I read The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk,
he talks about repressed memories in it, and it was the first time I
felt so validated in my experience. I was reading why my
(15:02):
body responded the way it did. Because repressed memories is our trauma
response. It is a way our body and our minds know how
to process trauma in the moment. Most people don't
experience experiences like you and I where we feel like our
life is threatened, like our world is being shattered,
and our bodies and minds have to respond within the moment.
(15:25):
It is not until years later that most trauma
survivors are able to process that trauma. Most people are not
given a safe space within the moment, so the body and the mind have to
find a way to cope, especially as children and for you especially
that this was abuse done by your father. Your body and your mind
did the best it could when you were 6 or 7. I want you to
(15:46):
reassure yourself that. That though right now, you are
processing some really painful things, That this happened to you
when you were 6 or 7. Picture how young you
were. I have tears coming to my eyes right now. No child
deserves to be treated that way, and no child would ever
know how to process that in the moment.
(16:09):
And the fact that there are people in this world who look at childhood
trauma and just don't get what it would be like to be a child,
that's unfortunate for them. That's unfortunate for them. Anybody who judges
this process, that's unfortunate that they don't understand what it
would be like for a 6 or a 7 year old. Unfortunately, we live in
a world that really isn't that empathetic or understanding in a lot of different
(16:31):
ways. So when navigating this process, it's important for you
to be empathetic towards yourself and very,
very empathetic and gentle with that young child
self. So when you are asking yourself how reliable these
memories are, I obviously can't say for certain. Only you
can. But I can say that to me from your question, it makes sense
(16:53):
that this next memory arose. And as I've mentioned, I
see my process and your process. I think they sound very similar with how
more memories tend to come back as we process 1. The next one can
come forward, and oftentimes, the next one can be a little bit more painful than
the first one. It's almost like our body's like, here's the lightest one. Can you
handle that? Here's a darker truth. Here's an even
(17:15):
darker truth. Wow. You were able to process that? I'm gonna give you a
darker truth. That's what I found with mine is that they tended
to become a little darker, a little more painful, but I also had
the tools. I was able to process them, and my
body never gave it to me until I had those tools in place, until
it knew, okay. You were able to process that. Now you can process this. I
(17:38):
think our bodies are so intelligent. And
navigating repressed memories connects us to our bodies, which is something we
were disconnected from. Because when we live with repressed
trauma, it disconnects us from ourselves. And so connecting
back to ourselves is one of the gifts of going through this extremely painful
process. And I don't call it painful to scare anybody
(17:59):
off. I'm just assuming and maybe I'm making a bad assumption here, but
I'm assuming that everybody who's going through this process understands how
painful it is because you're navigating it yourself. And so this leads me
into wanting to talk a bit more about the body and your relationship with your
body. In your question, you said, the brain spotting session was
very intense, and it felt like I was back at the event, including
(18:20):
physical sensations and smells. So here you
describe a very detailed and visceral reaction to your brain spotting
session, and I find this very interesting. I've also found that when
processing these experiences that it could be very visceral,
and it's like you're back there. And I believe that's because
the body has held on to this trauma for a very long time. It has
(18:42):
held on to this experience. You disconnected from
it in that moment, and so it's so visceral because none of it has been
processed yet, and you are processing that now, and it takes time to
process that. I think that part of healing
repressed memories is, as I've said multiple times, it's learning how to trust your
body. When I was grappling with self doubt throughout the process
(19:04):
of repressed memories, I would go back to over and over again how
the information landed in my body. So for me, truth feels
grounding. These truths would elicit a lot of hard emotions, but
I would feel grounded in my body when I received this information.
And for me, when repressed memories come in, I have, like, a flash of insight.
It's a full body knowing that, yes, this was true, and then my
(19:26):
mind would come in and fight me. And the truth is I've been through this
process enough. I've had enough layers come back over time,
so many, that the process is the same every time. That now I just
know the process, but it took time for me to understand that for me,
it's often a flash of insight, a full body knowing, super hard feelings, and
then the mind's going to attack me. The mind is then gonna attack me with
(19:48):
self doubt. It's gonna call me crazy. It's gonna try to keep me from
going deeper into this because it's trying to keep me safe. It's really such
a inherent part of our body is survival. And so processing
trauma often puts us into that survival mode, right, that fight or
flight. And so we have to learn to connect back to our
body, slow down, take care of ourselves in order to
(20:10):
process this. Because with for you with your question, I believe
that if you take the time to slow down and to
be with yourself and to ask yourself in that quiet place,
in meditation, in journaling, in nature, is this true about
my dad? Your body will communicate to you what is true.
But my guess is, as many trauma survivors are, you're often in that fight or
(20:33):
flight place. When we're in fight or flight, the mind is often going
crazy. So I just invite you when you're reflecting on this to also ask
yourself, am I in fight or flight right now? Am I feeling stressed? Am I
feeling overwhelmed? Or am I in a peaceful place and still doubting
myself? Because I find that doubt is much more common when we're stressed
and when we're stressing ourselves out and when we're judging ourself and we're in that
(20:54):
fight or flight. It's when we're in that peaceful place where the truth
arises, but we often run away from that place because what also lives
there are really hard feelings. We often
don't allow ourselves to slow down enough because we're avoiding
the immense grief that needs to be felt. The
heartbreak, the devastation, the despair,
(21:17):
the fear that we won't survive how hard of an experience
this is. I assure you, you will. You already survived
it. These memories are only coming up because your body knows
you are ready to be with these really hard feelings. And this
leads me into the importance of acceptance when
healing from repressed memories. I have found that a key part
(21:39):
of processing repressed memories is believing yourself and accepting the
truth. Now I also find that that means you have to accept the
feelings and the body sensations and not attach to
details and information that you haven't gotten yet or you
may never get. When processing repressed memories, I have found
that the mind, when I'm in that stress place, can become obsessed with details
(22:01):
and getting information I hadn't received yet, and that would keep me
stuck and from moving forward and from fully
processing this, the obsession with details. When I was first processing
being sexually assaulted in my childhood, I was obsessed with what was I
wearing? Did this happen to me in the bedroom or the basement? I couldn't
figure out if it was the bedroom or the basement. And for some reason that
(22:24):
detail was so important to me. I actually didn't receive the answer to
that question until I accepted this horrible thing happened to me.
I know it happened to me. And I don't need to know what I was
wearing, how I got there, or where exactly it happened,
but I know this happened to me. And I accepted it
fully, that I may not get any other information about that experience. But I
(22:46):
accepted what my body had communicated. And once I accepted
what my body had communicated, and then it gave me more information about
that experience. And it was the same thing with my gang rape in my teen
years. I also repressed and forgot that experience as well.
And each time, I had to accept the information I had been given. At
first, I had to accept, something really bad happened to me in the woods. I
(23:08):
may never know exactly what it was. Then I got more pieces of the puzzle.
Then I had to accept, I was sexually assaulted in the woods. Then I had
to accept, I was sexually assaulted by multiple people in the woods.
Oof. That was a hard one. Then I had to accept,
oh, it was violent. I was pinned down and strangled.
Okay. Then I had to accept there were bystanders. And
(23:31):
there were more layers as well. But I mention that because I had to
accept each layer before I was given more
information. We often keep ourselves from the next step of our healing
journey by living in that self doubt and not
accepting what happened. And the reason, again, we don't accept
what happened is because accepting what happened involves the hardest
(23:53):
part. It involves feeling all the really hard
feelings that you have been avoiding for a very long time or that you
also repressed. So we repress the information, and with that information, it's like
we're given this package at our door. And on the package, it says,
repress memory. And you're like, ugh. I don't wanna open this. I don't wanna
open this. I know what's in there. And you open the card, and it tells
(24:14):
you what's in the box. And you're like, oh, when I open that box, I'm
gonna have to, like, fully dive into that box. Maybe this box isn't for
me. Maybe this present isn't mine. Does anybody else want this present? But it's when
you take that box inside and you open it and you
feel all the feelings in that box that you will begin to feel free.
You'll begin to trust yourself. Pieces of your life that didn't make sense will
(24:36):
begin to make sense, and you will learn to love yourself
in a new way is what's coming to mind. Because this process of
processing repressed memories is an act of self love.
The more you sit with it, the more you process those hard feelings, the more
you allow your truth to be mind bending for yourself,
the more you allow that truth to come forward and rewrite that life
(24:59):
narrative that was never true, the freer you will feel and the more
connected back to yourself and your heart you will feel, and the more you will
love yourself, and the more empathy you'll have for yourself and others. And
so with all that, it's going to require an immense amount of
gentleness with yourself in order to process these
repressed memories. Processing repressed memories is when I personally
(25:21):
began meditating daily. I talk about that a lot on the podcast, and I've
had people say things to me like, oh, it must be nice, or I don't
have time to meditate, or I can't believe you meditate for an hour. What a
luxury. Yes. It is a luxury at this point, but it also was a
lifeline. It was also necessary for me
to begin quieting my mind, getting out of fight or
(25:43):
flight, and feeling those feelings daily. It was
important for my own sanity and my own survival
because I couldn't live in the crazy thoughts of am I sane
or am I insane every day. And oftentimes, when my
memory comes back, I live there for a while. I live in the self doubt
until I can no longer doubt myself anymore, and then I begin feeling those
(26:05):
hard feelings. And I live in the self doubt place less and less now. I'm
personally hoping I've hit the end of my barrel and that there's no more repressed
memories, but I've also accepted the process and that there may be more that needs
to come forward, and that's okay with me. I know I've
got my back. I know I have my own. I know I'm strong. I know
I'm resilient. And I know that my body will not give
(26:28):
me anything I can't handle, and it will only give it to me when I'm
ready. And so for you, I think it's important for you to prioritize time
for yourself. Meditating, journaling, therapy. Maybe you need
to go to therapy more than once a week. I know I go through times
in my life where I go to therapy twice a week. Maybe you need to
spend some more time in nature. Maybe you need a vacation that might not
(26:48):
feel so much like a vacation. It just might be space for you to process
some of this really difficult stuff. But for me with repressed memories,
I had to do it for a full time job for a long time,
and I had to do it on my own. It's a process that only
you can really do that work. You know? Each of us has our
own inner work. And processing repressed memories, there are people who can support you through
(27:10):
that. Like I said, I'm glad you work with a professional. Maybe you wanna invite
in a trauma professional or another day a week of therapy. I don't know what's
best for you. But at the end of the day, it's gonna be you who
has to feel those hard feelings, and it's gonna have to be you who begins
grieving the childhood you thought you had and accepting the one
you did have. And that's one of the hardest parts. So throughout this process,
(27:30):
it's also really important to dive into inner child work and to
be with that 6 or 7 year old. I'll link some inner child resources on
my website at newgoodadvice.com/113. I have a
meditation and a dialoguing with your inner child, but I also always
recommend letter writing exercise. So maybe writing a letter to that 6 or 7
year old who is likely terrified in that movie theater,
(27:53):
telling them that you believe them. Because when we don't believe
ourselves, it's that we're really not believing those young children within us,
the ones who were young and who needed an adult to believe
them. And so through processing repressed memories, we become the
adult who believes that child who did not have the safety
or the trust they needed at that time. And so it's
(28:15):
so important and so healing to connect to that inner child.
It really is a beautiful union is how I see it. I think
the repressed parts of us almost live outside of us for a long time,
and processing repressed memories is bringing that part of us home to ourself. And that
has been such a gift in my life to bring all these pieces of me
home to myself that I labeled wrong, unworthy, not enough,
(28:37):
liars, insane. By bringing those home and saying, I am
so sorry. I love you. I'm here for you no matter what. I'm here for
all your hard feelings. I have created a deep love of
self that has taken time for me to cultivate, but it's pretty
unshakable at this time. And so though, as I've said many
times, this process is extremely difficult. I do believe there are gifts in
(29:00):
healing, and those gifts often include getting to know ourselves,
our own heart, and that love of self, which we all deserve. It becomes
easier and we get to feel that deeper within ourselves.
The last thing I wanna say before I wrap up this question is if you
take anything from this episode, I want you to take that you can trust yourself.
Something I also like to remember is that nobody wants to remember being sexually
(29:22):
abused. Nobody wants to view their parent like an abuser when they hadn't remembered
that. Nobody wants this to be their truth. I know that was true in my
life. I don't want my story to be my story. I'm gonna be
honest. There are days I look out the window as I write about my
story that I'm like, can I have a different story? And
I joke about that because the truth is this is my story. I accept
(29:43):
it. But nobody wants to have to go through
this process. So when you're doubting yourself, remember that you're not asking for
this. You didn't want this. This isn't your fault. This is just part
of healing, and it's okay. And you can trust yourself.
And I found in my own life that the more I trust myself and choose
to believe myself, the more these memories settle. Processing repressed
(30:05):
memories often feels like a battle is waging within, and it
stops waging when I trust myself. And I know my own
truth. And that self trust is really developed throughout this process. And I
just wanna reassure you that you can trust yourself. This process takes patience. You are
doing the work. I hear it in your question. You wouldn't be asking this question
if you weren't doing the work. And though it can be
(30:27):
mind boggling and very disorienting, you are on the right
path. You are always being guided, and you can trust yourself.
So I hope something in this answer was helpful. I'm sending you so much love.
Thank you for this question.
Thank you so much for joining me for this episode of New View Advice. If
(30:48):
you haven't already, I have bonus episodes on the podcast that I'm calling
my reflection series, which is stories of me reflecting on my own
healing journey. I mentioned that here because if you listen to reflection 2, this
story took me a very long time to piece together. Some
of these things I always remembered. Some of these things were repressed memories that came
back later, and it took me years to be able to put together an
(31:11):
articulate narrative. So I share that here because if you listen
to reflections number 2, you can hear a story that wasn't always clear for me,
that is clear now, but that is a gift I got through
processing repressed memories. So if you give it a listen, please let me know.
Or if you like this episode, I invite you to leave a rating or review
or send me an email. I always love connecting with the new View Advice
(31:32):
community. And thank you so much for joining me for this new View
Advice. As always, I hope I was able to offer you a new View on
whatever you may be going through. Sending you all my love. See you next time.
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