February 5, 2025 • 26 mins
In this episode, I answer a listener’s question: Why am I scared of love? I dive into the reasons so many of us experience a fear of love, including the fear of vulnerability, childhood trauma, low self-worth, and even the anxiety that love or a relationship might be “too good to be true.” This episode is for anyone who’s afraid of love but is ready to embrace it rather than pull away. If you’ve struggled with opening your heart, this episode offers insights to help you move through those fears. You deserve the love you desire, and it’s time to lean in.
Timestamps
- Introduction: 0:05
- Listener Question: 1:58
- Outro: 25:50
For episode show notes, please visit: https://www.newviewadvice.com/120
For more free resources and to learn more about New View Advice, visit: https://www.newviewadvice.com/
Want to have a question answered? You can submit your question here: https://www.newviewadvice.com/ask-a-question
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
Welcome to NewView Advice with Amanda Durocher.
Hey, beautiful soul. Welcome to New View Advice. My name is Amanda
Durocher. And if you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I
offer guidance for the healing journey. I I don't believe I have all the answers
you seek. I believe you have all the answers. You just may need a new
view and a little help along the way. Thank you so much for joining me
(00:22):
for today's episode. Today, I'm answering a question from a listener who asks,
why am I so scared of love? So many of us fear love and
simultaneously are looking for love and desire love and search
for love while we are terrified of it. And I think this
is such a great question for us to answer today because I think that so
many people can relate to this feeling of looking for love and also being
(00:44):
terrified of love. Because as I pondered this question, I really thought to myself,
what is more terrifying than love? I think love
triggers our greatest fears and our greatest insecurities
and also our greatest potential and our greatest hope and our
greatest joy. And what's more terrifying than that?
Love is the journey of life. And I think this
(01:05):
is such a relatable question while also being question
that we'll all have a different answer to at the end of the day of
why we are truly terrified of love. And my hope with this episode is
to help you to connect deeper to your why. Why are you so afraid of
love? And what can we do to help you to alleviate that fear and to
move forward and closer to love rather than continuing to lean away
(01:28):
from that love out of fear? So I'm excited to dive into this question. And
before we do, I always like to mention that if you haven't already, I invite
you to check out my website. I've got poems. I've got a new series called
Reflections where I share stories from my healing journey, journal prompts, meditations, and
more. And the episode show notes for this episode will be at
newviewadvice.com/120, and you can check that out after the
(01:48):
episode. So with that, let's jump on into talking about why are we so scared
of love.
Hi, Amanda. Why am I so scared of love? Why do I
hold myself back from truly giving myself over to it, from just
leaning in and being vulnerable? I met someone recently, and I really
(02:10):
like them. I can see myself loving them if I let myself, but
there's this deep fear that holds me back. I catch myself coming up with
reasons why it won't work out. But if I'm honest with myself, I think it's
just the fear of love itself. Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed with how
terrified I feel of love. I was wondering if you might have any insights into
why this fear exists or how I can start to let go of it. Thank
(02:30):
you for everything you do. Your podcast has been so helpful for me, and I
really appreciate everything you do and all that you share. Keep up the amazing
work. Thank you so much for asking this question and for your kind
words about the podcast. I am so grateful that you found it helpful along your
own journey. It truly warms my heart every time somebody shares with me how
the podcast has impacted them. So thank you so much. And now I wanna talk
(02:52):
about why are you so afraid of love? Why are we all so afraid of
love? So I'm going to be using we throughout this question because I
also fear love. I think love is the most beautiful
thing in the world, and I also think love is absolutely terrifying. I
don't think you're wrong with calling out yourself on fearing
love. I think that it's actually super honest, and I think a lot of people
(03:13):
would deny the fact that they fear love. But we can always love
ourselves, each other, and life more. We can always
feel deeper love and deeper intimacy and deeper vulnerability,
and that's terrifying. Because every time we hit our edge of
vulnerability or the edge of how far we've allowed ourself to fall
in love, we can always fall deeper. I talk to Evan about it all the
(03:36):
time that we've been together almost 14 years, and I'm
shocked that every year, I love him more. Every year, I
fall deeper in love with him. And that's for
many reasons, mostly because I fall deeper in love with myself,
and that allows me to fall deeper in love with somebody else. But it's
terrifying. And I see each year the different
(03:58):
blocks I hit and where I'm still blocking myself from receiving and from
giving love. And I think that's because, as I mentioned in the intro,
love so often triggers our deepest insecurities. Am I
good enough for this person? Am I worthy enough? Am I
truly worthy of this much love? Am I truly worthy of this
much happiness? Do I deserve this? Am I
(04:20):
lovable? What if I love this person more than they love
me? What would that mean? Those are some of our
deepest fears. They're actually fears that we spend our whole
life running from. And when we fall in love with someone and
we meet somebody who we want to go to those
deep places with, it's absolutely terrifying
(04:41):
because so often we've built up walls and defense mechanisms
to keep us from hitting against those fears. And so I think it's
very common to fear love and to fear deep, true love and
allowing ourselves to fully let go. Because what's more vulnerable than allowing
yourself to truly fall in love? Because when we truly allow ourselves to fall in
love, we show somebody who we truly are. And so many
(05:03):
of us run around the world with a persona. Right? We let somebody
see a version of us. And many of us have different personas. Right? You go
to work, you might be one version. You're at home, you might be one version.
You go home to your immediate family, like your family from childhood,
and you might be a different version of yourself. When you're with your childhood friends,
you might be one version. When you're with your new friends, you might be another.
(05:25):
Some people are themselves everywhere they go, but many times, we at least change
a little bit here or there. We don't show up fully as ourselves
everywhere we go, and I actually think that's a good practice. I know for me,
I don't show up as this version of myself. I give advice for a
living, and I don't believe in unsolicited advice. So I don't walk
around giving unsolicited advice. I answer questions. I answer questions
(05:47):
that people ask me. And I only share that because in most
situations, we show up as a version of ourselves, and that's not right or
wrong. But when we look for and search for a romantic partner,
we're looking for someone who we can be everything with.
The beautiful, the sexy, the funny, and also the
ugly, the messy, and the scared. When we fall in
(06:09):
love, we want to know somebody's gonna be there for us when we
aren't our best self, and that's terrifying. It's terrifying to
show somebody your vulnerability because it's so
vulnerable to romantically be into somebody.
It's different than other loves. It's different than familial love.
It's different than friend love. Romantic love is different. It has
(06:32):
a different heartbeat is how I feel. It's intimate in a different
way. I'm having trouble even right now articulating it. I'm
thinking about it in my head, and it's just that
romantic love, like, opens us like a rose, and
it's an incredibly beautiful thing. It's why so many people
search for it. I wanna say everybody searches for it, but I know there are
(06:53):
people not looking for relationships, not into it. I know people are asexual.
I understand that. But most of us do desire that
romantic connection. And Evan and I actually talk about it, like, all the
time, this fascination I have with the fact that most people
do desire somebody to spend their life with. They desire
that person to have romance with. And true romantic
(07:15):
partnerships aren't just romance. It's being with somebody through thick and thin
and committing to somebody through the good, bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the
messy with life. And to me, that's true love is being with
somebody through it all. It's seeing somebody and allowing somebody to be their true
selves and allowing you to be your true self, And that is incredibly
terrifying, especially new love. When you just meet somebody,
(07:37):
it's like being on rocky territory. You don't know where this person
stands until you put yourself out there. And to your question of why are
you so afraid to fall in love, there could be a million reasons. As I
mentioned at the beginning, it triggers our greatest fears. Maybe one of those
fears is triggered right now. Maybe you don't feel good enough for this person. Maybe
you don't feel like you deserve this. Maybe you don't feel worthy of this. But
(07:58):
love also triggers our greatest potential, our
greatest hope, our greatest dreams. Love is what
we desire most. It's what we're made to do with one another. We're made to
love each other. Humans have gotten so far away from our true
purpose, which is, I believe, to love one another. I know that sounds
super hippie, but, truly, what's the purpose of living if we don't love
(08:20):
one another? You don't have to like everybody, but the truth is that's what we're
here to do. We're here to find communities that we can love, we can nourish,
we can nurture, we can grow in. And love is
so beautiful because when you find someone or a group,
a community, a family, a person, you don't have to
go at it alone anymore. And that to me opens up
(08:43):
potential, and it softens us. I think so many of
us, because so many of us have been through such horrible things, have
hardened to the world. I know that's me. I'm always telling myself,
Amanda, you can soften here. And I say that because your fear of
love to me sounds like a hard wall you're hitting. And you have
to decide if you're gonna break down that wall and jump off the
(09:04):
ledge and see where you fall. Do you fall flat on your
face, or do you fall into the arms of another person? Do you
fly, or do you fall a little bit and stumble?
And the truth is with love is you don't really know until
you do it. There have been relationships in my life where I
have tried to run from them. I have tried not to lean in. And
(09:27):
what I love about matters of the heart is that there's something a little
illogical about them. We can dissect it and understand that
sometimes we pair up with people based off childhood patterns, childhood wounds,
but sometimes it's just fully illogical why we love
somebody. And I love that.
I love that our heart is like that person. And our mind can
(09:49):
be like, why? Like, tell me why. And the heart's just
like, that person. And the mind's like, this isn't gonna work
and comes out with a 1000000 reasons. And the heart still pulls and tugs and
says, that person. Because that's the
invitation to growth, that's the invitation to love, and that's the invitation
into the unknown. I'm thinking of that Frozen song right now.
(10:11):
Into the unknown. And
that's love. And that's why we're so afraid of it because on the other side
of this fear you have is the unknown.
You're like, oh, I could love this person. That's
terrifying because it's unknown territory for you. You're
like, ah, what does that mean? Who am I gonna be
(10:33):
if I allow myself to fall? Because that's the other thing about love. Love
changes us. Love breaks us down and then
rebuilds us into this better version of ourselves. I'm even viewing it as a
sexy version of ourselves, and not even, like, in the sex way, but just as
in this more confident version of ourselves. Because when we're in
love with someone, we're really in love with ourselves. Because
(10:55):
when we allow ourselves to love somebody else, we have allowed
ourselves to love ourselves, is what I truly believe. Because I believe you
cannot love somebody more than you love yourself. And so the invitation
to love someone else is the invitation to love yourself deeper.
And that is, in my opinion, what life is all about, you
learning to love you. You are with you every second of your
(11:17):
life. It is important that you learn to love yourself now.
That has been a hard lesson for me to learn, but it has been the
best lesson. It's really been the only lesson that's been important.
Money comes and goes. Friends come and go. Family can even come and
go. Jobs come and go. Status comes and goes.
Power comes and goes. You are with you forever, from
(11:39):
the second you're born to the second you die. It's a much more enjoyable
journey if you learn to love yourself. And so
I think sometimes we hold ourselves back from falling in love out
of fear of not being enough and those fears I mentioned, but
also out of the fear of, is it too good to be
true? People who have been traumatized, especially, we
(12:01):
live with fears of things being too good. We always
stay on alert. We're always like, when's the next shoe gonna
drop? When is this thing gonna blow up in my face? Because that's what the
past has shown me. And it's important to see
that in yourself if that's you. As I mentioned at the beginning of the episode,
the answer to why you fear love is gonna be different for everybody, and it's
(12:23):
changed for me throughout my life. There were a million reasons why I fear love,
and I still can fear love. I have some new people in my life
who I adore, like some new friendships, and I find myself being
terrified of messing them up. It's triggering my deepest
insecurities that I'm not good enough for these people, and it's also
triggering my deepest desires of these
(12:45):
relationships feel like family, and that's what I desire,
family. And that terrifies me because what if I
then lose that family? And my pastor showed me what it's like to lose
family members. I've lost family members in death situations. I've
also just become estranged with family members and no longer speak to
them. And all those experiences have been so incredibly painful.
(13:07):
So have friend breakups. When people leave my life, it's the most painful
thing. I was thinking about it today when I was pondering this question that I
broke my wrist in the spring, and it was probably one of the most painful
physical injuries I've been through because I just haven't been injured physically very
much. But, god, matters of the heart hurt so much more. I
hate to compare, but I'm, like, breaking my wrist. I knew that would get
(13:28):
better. I put it in a brace. I took care of it. That, I had
steps for. When it comes to the heart, it's like the
wild, wild west. I have to go on this long journey that only I know
the road to, but I don't know it until I know it, if you know
what I'm saying. Like, you gotta go through it to learn the steps.
Oh, my gosh. So terrifying. So painful. But
(13:50):
with that, I truly believe that that which terrifies
us the most teaches us the most. We grow the
most through our deepest fears. And so your fear of love and leaning
into this relationship that you mentioned, leaning into this person you mentioned,
oh, I see such good potential for you. I see growth for you.
I see you loving yourself more at the end of this, and I really,
(14:13):
really hope it works out. I hope this person likes you as much as you
like them, and I hope it's a storybook ending because we could use some
more of those. I really believe that. But the truth is we don't know where
relationships will go. We don't know if somebody's in our life for a reason, a
season, or a lifetime. And that is something my therapist tells me all the time,
so I'm not taking credit for that saying. But I find it really helpful because
(14:34):
the truth is people can be in our life for a season, a reason, or
a lifetime, and all of those people are still important.
We don't have to judge it based off of, is this person gonna be here
forever? Is this gonna work out forever? When we go to that
mindset, that is the the mind creating a fear because the mind
is already fearing the person leaving and fearing the relationship ending.
(14:55):
So it's trying to predict the end before the beginning to keep you from
pain. But as you've noticed while writing this question is, thank you,
mind, for doing that, but it actually creates pain doing that because you're in
this thought cycle that is not enjoyable. You're not enjoying yourself as you're
in that. So I invite you to say, thank you, mind, for showing
me all the ways this could go wrong. I think it could go right,
(15:18):
though. Because as I said, the heart points us towards what we want.
It's so often illogical. That's why I talk about following your heart
because I find it to be the most fascinating journey because it's illogical.
Every desire I've ever had doesn't make sense on
paper, but it's always led me to my greatest potential, my
greatest healing, my greatest growth, and the greatest love. It's
(15:40):
amazing. It's incredible. It's illogical. And that's
why I wanna tell you that your fear here, it sounds like you're
trying to logically figure it out. And the truth is, you may
finish this episode and not really still understand why you fear
love. But if you still feel that way, I invite you to at least tell
yourself that the fear is normal. There's nothing wrong with you. It's
(16:02):
actually quite normal to fear love. And also that maybe you'll
only know the answers to these questions by taking the next step
forward. Because I find with so many of these fears we have, they're
keeping us stuck in a thought pattern of fear,
and for you to stop fearing love, you're gonna have to let love
in. Gary, I know. I know.
(16:24):
And it sounds like you're ready. From your question, it sounds like you are ready
and like you've met somebody. Sometimes when those fears come up, we can
become immobilized in terror and the freeze response and fear,
because you have mentioned terror. And sometimes when that happens, we have to spend a
little time with ourselves first. I wanna mention that for anybody here who's listening to
this, is that sometimes when we get terrified, we do need
(16:45):
to just spend some time with ourself first creating inner safety.
Because for so many of us, especially people listening to this podcast, you may
fear love because of childhood wounding and childhood
trauma. Many of us grew up in households that did not have
unconditional love. And when you don't grow up with unconditional love,
you don't know what unconditional love feels like. So you have to learn how
(17:08):
to feel it for yourself. And then to let somebody else in after
being so wounded is incredibly terrifying. And I
found throughout my journey, by not growing up with unconditional love, my
brain didn't understand what unconditional love was. As a child,
I just assumed what I experienced was unconditional love, but it was not because
love is not conditioned. There are no conditions to love.
(17:31):
Love is love. Love is undefinable. But
love would teach us that we're always enough. Love teaches us that we're always
worthy. Love teaches us that we make mistakes, but that's part of being
human. There's nothing wrong with you if you make mistakes. Love teaches us
that failure moves us forward, not that failure means anything wrong
about us. But many of us grew up with messages from childhood
(17:54):
that taught us otherwise, that we had to earn love, that
we had to do things to gain that love, that there was reasons and
ways that love could be taken away, that love could be unpredictable.
True love is actually the safest place you can be, and that's why we have
to learn to love ourselves first so we can create that inner safety. But
I mention all that because my biggest piece of advice to you
(18:17):
is to go for it. Fall in love. Just allow yourself to fall.
But if you struggle with that, I invite you to really be maybe
with some of those childhood wounds. And if anybody has any questions about that part,
write in a question, and we can keep this conversation going. And to
anybody out there who had childhood trauma, who did not
feel they had unconditional love growing up, who felt a lack of love within their
(18:40):
life, I want you to know that, one, I am so
sorry. I think child abuse and cruelty to children
and neglect of children is an epidemic on this planet.
I don't think we talk about it enough. I think a lot of problems would
be solved if we were kinder to children, if we took better care
of children, and if adults learned how to love themselves
(19:01):
so that they could love children. But we're not quite there yet, and that's
okay. That's why I do this podcast. I really believe that we're healing
our inner children every time we show up to this podcast. What I mean by
that is though you may have not had that love then, you deserve that love
now, and you can be the parent you always deserved. And
so when I get overwhelmed by fear, terror, and
(19:23):
all the heart emotions, I show up as the parent I needed and the
parent I still need. And I sit myself down, and I sit with the
painful feeling, and I sit with the fear, and I talk myself through it. I
reassure myself that it's just fear. And that's
what it is because when you fear love, it's just fear.
Because you do deserve love. You can have that love anytime you want
(19:46):
by giving it to yourself. The more you give it to yourself, the more you
will step out and look for that love and be less afraid
because you'll know that if somebody doesn't match your level of love,
doesn't love you the same way you love them, yes, it will still be
painful, because it always is, when we feel rejected or
abandoned or not loved to the same level. It is always
(20:08):
painful. Matters of the heart are painful. It's why we avoid so many of them.
But it will be easier because you will love you, and you will know
that even though that person doesn't love you the same, it doesn't
mean anything about you. It doesn't mean you're not lovable. It
doesn't mean you don't deserve love. It doesn't mean you won't find your
person. It just means your heart led you into a situation
(20:29):
that has a lesson for you. That's what I truly believe. The older I get,
every situation can teach me something, if I allow it to. The fun
ones, the joyful ones, and the painful ones. It's always just
leading us into growing deeper into who we are. And there's
nothing wrong with that. So why does this fear exist for you?
I hope you might have some insight after all my ponderings on
(20:52):
love that I have shared. But it's going to be individual for every
person. Why do you fear love so much? And as I record this
episode, I find myself wondering what is my deepest fear when it comes to
love? And as I think about it, I would say mine would
do with betrayal and that the people who truly can
betray us are the people we trust. And the more I
(21:13):
allow myself to love people in my life, the more I fear they
will betray me because betrayal has been one of the most painful
experiences of my personal life. And it's really
only those we allow in that we allow to be
able to stab us in the heart. As I mentioned earlier, we build
up walls to the world and defenses so that we can't get hurt. So we
(21:36):
don't walk around in every room being the most loving being in the whole world
and showing everybody our true selves. We don't do that and there's nothing wrong with
that. You know? Different people get different layers of us. And when we
allow somebody truly in to see who we truly are and we lay ourselves
bare, and I feel like naked, honestly, in a romantic partnership, you will end
up naked, it's more terrifying. There's more cards on the table,
(21:58):
and that's where our hearts can truly get hurt. Because
when we allow ourselves to truly fall in love, we take all those guards down,
we lay there vulnerable and naked, and we say, this is
me. Do you love me as I am? And,
yeah, that is terrifying. I do find that
terrifying. I'm thinking about it in my own life right now, and I'm like, dang.
(22:20):
That's scary. But what I've also found throughout
my life is that that deep connection, that deep intimacy, and that deep love is
what we're all craving. And it's only by allowing ourselves to open
up to others that we feel that love and that connection, and we really feel
what it's truly like to be alive. Because I find that I truly feel
alive when I connect with others. It's always gonna be scary to
(22:43):
fall in love. It's always gonna be scary to put yourself out there,
vulnerably. But that's where trust is built. That's where love is built.
That's where true intimacy is built is all through allowing yourself
to let go and to let go of fear and to allow love
in. So how do we move forward from here? How do we do that?
One step at a time. I wish I had a better answer for you, but
(23:05):
truly be kind to yourself. Reassure yourself that what you
are doing is courageous and brave because it is. To allow ourselves to
love one another and to allow love in is a courageous act. I think the
world would be a better place if more people lived in a place of love
rather than a place of fear. But I think a lot of people have been
abused, have been traumatized, have been hurt, and they build up walls, and they don't
(23:27):
wanna let love in again because as you have stated, it is terrifying
sometimes to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. And the human mind, the human
psyche, the human body does not wanna be in pain. So it builds up all
these defense mechanisms to not be in pain. And I think that when
we recognize that, we're able to, 1, start to take down
those defenses. We're able to see why. We're able to bring conscious
(23:49):
awareness to why we are the way we are, which is then how we can
begin to unravel those defenses and reassure ourselves that we are safe.
We're not being abused in this moment. We're not being traumatized in this moment. We
are able to make new choices by being aware, but also
through being kind to ourselves and taking one step at a time, allowing
yourself to show who you are to this person one step at a time and
(24:11):
allowing yourself to lean in. And that's what I truly invite all of you to
do today, and I'm gonna do that today. I'm gonna lean in a little bit
more. I'm gonna allow a little bit more love into my life. I think we
can always continue to allow more love into our life. So that's the last thing
I'll leave you with is that we can always love ourselves deeper. We can always
love others deeper. We can always just love deeper. So be kind to
(24:31):
yourself. Be patient with yourself. You don't have to jump in and propose to this
person. Right? It's just one layer at a time, just showing this person a little
bit more of a vulnerable you. That's how trust is built. We don't have to
give somebody all of us at one time. Trust is built through small
actions over time. So if you find yourself being terrified, take it
slow. There is no rush, but do move forward.
(24:52):
Do have those vulnerable conversations. Do allow yourself to
lean into love. And when you feel that fear coming up and that terror coming
up, be kind to yourself, comfort yourself, and maybe ask this person
to be there for you through some of those times. Maybe open up to them
that you're terrified. That's how intimacy is built. Saying, hey. I'm not
perfect. I'm actually terrified. I'm terrified of you. Isn't
(25:14):
that crazy? I think that the person may be surprised to hear
that. I think so many of us put on a tough exterior, and
it's really helpful when people are honest and transparent with one
another about how nobody's perfect. So don't think you have to be
perfect. Don't think you have to have the answers to all your questions. Just
lean into love. I hope something in this answer was helpful. It ended up just
(25:36):
being more of a conversation about love. So I hope something in this answer was
helpful for you. I know it was a helpful episode for me, so thank you
so much for asking this question. I am sending you so much love.
Thank you so much for joining me for another episode of newbie advice. As always,
I'm so grateful to have these conversations each week. If you have a question you'd
(25:57):
like to hear answered on the podcast, I'd love to invite you to submit a
question at newbie advice.com/question, or you can send me an email
at contact at newbie advice.com. Thank you again for joining me for another episode
of newview advice. As always, I hope I was able to offer you a new
view on whatever you may be going through. Sending you all my love. See you
next time.
Welcome to NewView Advice with Amanda Durocher.
Hey, beautiful soul. Welcome to New View Advice. My name is Amanda
Durocher. And if you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I
offer guidance for the healing journey. I I don't believe I have all the answers
you seek. I believe you have all the answers. You just may need a new
view and a little help along the way. Thank you so much for joining me
(00:22):
for today's episode. Today, I'm answering a question from a listener who asks,
why am I so scared of love? So many of us fear love and
simultaneously are looking for love and desire love and search
for love while we are terrified of it. And I think this
is such a great question for us to answer today because I think that so
many people can relate to this feeling of looking for love and also being
(00:44):
terrified of love. Because as I pondered this question, I really thought to myself,
what is more terrifying than love? I think love
triggers our greatest fears and our greatest insecurities
and also our greatest potential and our greatest hope and our
greatest joy. And what's more terrifying than that?
Love is the journey of life. And I think this
(01:05):
is such a relatable question while also being question
that we'll all have a different answer to at the end of the day of
why we are truly terrified of love. And my hope with this episode is
to help you to connect deeper to your why. Why are you so afraid of
love? And what can we do to help you to alleviate that fear and to
move forward and closer to love rather than continuing to lean away
(01:28):
from that love out of fear? So I'm excited to dive into this question. And
before we do, I always like to mention that if you haven't already, I invite
you to check out my website. I've got poems. I've got a new series called
Reflections where I share stories from my healing journey, journal prompts, meditations, and
more. And the episode show notes for this episode will be at
newviewadvice.com/120, and you can check that out after the
(01:48):
episode. So with that, let's jump on into talking about why are we so scared
of love.
Hi, Amanda. Why am I so scared of love? Why do I
hold myself back from truly giving myself over to it, from just
leaning in and being vulnerable? I met someone recently, and I really
(02:10):
like them. I can see myself loving them if I let myself, but
there's this deep fear that holds me back. I catch myself coming up with
reasons why it won't work out. But if I'm honest with myself, I think it's
just the fear of love itself. Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed with how
terrified I feel of love. I was wondering if you might have any insights into
why this fear exists or how I can start to let go of it. Thank
(02:30):
you for everything you do. Your podcast has been so helpful for me, and I
really appreciate everything you do and all that you share. Keep up the amazing
work. Thank you so much for asking this question and for your kind
words about the podcast. I am so grateful that you found it helpful along your
own journey. It truly warms my heart every time somebody shares with me how
the podcast has impacted them. So thank you so much. And now I wanna talk
(02:52):
about why are you so afraid of love? Why are we all so afraid of
love? So I'm going to be using we throughout this question because I
also fear love. I think love is the most beautiful
thing in the world, and I also think love is absolutely terrifying. I
don't think you're wrong with calling out yourself on fearing
love. I think that it's actually super honest, and I think a lot of people
(03:13):
would deny the fact that they fear love. But we can always love
ourselves, each other, and life more. We can always
feel deeper love and deeper intimacy and deeper vulnerability,
and that's terrifying. Because every time we hit our edge of
vulnerability or the edge of how far we've allowed ourself to fall
in love, we can always fall deeper. I talk to Evan about it all the
(03:36):
time that we've been together almost 14 years, and I'm
shocked that every year, I love him more. Every year, I
fall deeper in love with him. And that's for
many reasons, mostly because I fall deeper in love with myself,
and that allows me to fall deeper in love with somebody else. But it's
terrifying. And I see each year the different
(03:58):
blocks I hit and where I'm still blocking myself from receiving and from
giving love. And I think that's because, as I mentioned in the intro,
love so often triggers our deepest insecurities. Am I
good enough for this person? Am I worthy enough? Am I
truly worthy of this much love? Am I truly worthy of this
much happiness? Do I deserve this? Am I
(04:20):
lovable? What if I love this person more than they love
me? What would that mean? Those are some of our
deepest fears. They're actually fears that we spend our whole
life running from. And when we fall in love with someone and
we meet somebody who we want to go to those
deep places with, it's absolutely terrifying
(04:41):
because so often we've built up walls and defense mechanisms
to keep us from hitting against those fears. And so I think it's
very common to fear love and to fear deep, true love and
allowing ourselves to fully let go. Because what's more vulnerable than allowing
yourself to truly fall in love? Because when we truly allow ourselves to fall in
love, we show somebody who we truly are. And so many
(05:03):
of us run around the world with a persona. Right? We let somebody
see a version of us. And many of us have different personas. Right? You go
to work, you might be one version. You're at home, you might be one version.
You go home to your immediate family, like your family from childhood,
and you might be a different version of yourself. When you're with your childhood friends,
you might be one version. When you're with your new friends, you might be another.
(05:25):
Some people are themselves everywhere they go, but many times, we at least change
a little bit here or there. We don't show up fully as ourselves
everywhere we go, and I actually think that's a good practice. I know for me,
I don't show up as this version of myself. I give advice for a
living, and I don't believe in unsolicited advice. So I don't walk
around giving unsolicited advice. I answer questions. I answer questions
(05:47):
that people ask me. And I only share that because in most
situations, we show up as a version of ourselves, and that's not right or
wrong. But when we look for and search for a romantic partner,
we're looking for someone who we can be everything with.
The beautiful, the sexy, the funny, and also the
ugly, the messy, and the scared. When we fall in
(06:09):
love, we want to know somebody's gonna be there for us when we
aren't our best self, and that's terrifying. It's terrifying to
show somebody your vulnerability because it's so
vulnerable to romantically be into somebody.
It's different than other loves. It's different than familial love.
It's different than friend love. Romantic love is different. It has
(06:32):
a different heartbeat is how I feel. It's intimate in a different
way. I'm having trouble even right now articulating it. I'm
thinking about it in my head, and it's just that
romantic love, like, opens us like a rose, and
it's an incredibly beautiful thing. It's why so many people
search for it. I wanna say everybody searches for it, but I know there are
(06:53):
people not looking for relationships, not into it. I know people are asexual.
I understand that. But most of us do desire that
romantic connection. And Evan and I actually talk about it, like, all the
time, this fascination I have with the fact that most people
do desire somebody to spend their life with. They desire
that person to have romance with. And true romantic
(07:15):
partnerships aren't just romance. It's being with somebody through thick and thin
and committing to somebody through the good, bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the
messy with life. And to me, that's true love is being with
somebody through it all. It's seeing somebody and allowing somebody to be their true
selves and allowing you to be your true self, And that is incredibly
terrifying, especially new love. When you just meet somebody,
(07:37):
it's like being on rocky territory. You don't know where this person
stands until you put yourself out there. And to your question of why are
you so afraid to fall in love, there could be a million reasons. As I
mentioned at the beginning, it triggers our greatest fears. Maybe one of those
fears is triggered right now. Maybe you don't feel good enough for this person. Maybe
you don't feel like you deserve this. Maybe you don't feel worthy of this. But
(07:58):
love also triggers our greatest potential, our
greatest hope, our greatest dreams. Love is what
we desire most. It's what we're made to do with one another. We're made to
love each other. Humans have gotten so far away from our true
purpose, which is, I believe, to love one another. I know that sounds
super hippie, but, truly, what's the purpose of living if we don't love
(08:20):
one another? You don't have to like everybody, but the truth is that's what we're
here to do. We're here to find communities that we can love, we can nourish,
we can nurture, we can grow in. And love is
so beautiful because when you find someone or a group,
a community, a family, a person, you don't have to
go at it alone anymore. And that to me opens up
(08:43):
potential, and it softens us. I think so many of
us, because so many of us have been through such horrible things, have
hardened to the world. I know that's me. I'm always telling myself,
Amanda, you can soften here. And I say that because your fear of
love to me sounds like a hard wall you're hitting. And you have
to decide if you're gonna break down that wall and jump off the
(09:04):
ledge and see where you fall. Do you fall flat on your
face, or do you fall into the arms of another person? Do you
fly, or do you fall a little bit and stumble?
And the truth is with love is you don't really know until
you do it. There have been relationships in my life where I
have tried to run from them. I have tried not to lean in. And
(09:27):
what I love about matters of the heart is that there's something a little
illogical about them. We can dissect it and understand that
sometimes we pair up with people based off childhood patterns, childhood wounds,
but sometimes it's just fully illogical why we love
somebody. And I love that.
I love that our heart is like that person. And our mind can
(09:49):
be like, why? Like, tell me why. And the heart's just
like, that person. And the mind's like, this isn't gonna work
and comes out with a 1000000 reasons. And the heart still pulls and tugs and
says, that person. Because that's the
invitation to growth, that's the invitation to love, and that's the invitation
into the unknown. I'm thinking of that Frozen song right now.
(10:11):
Into the unknown. And
that's love. And that's why we're so afraid of it because on the other side
of this fear you have is the unknown.
You're like, oh, I could love this person. That's
terrifying because it's unknown territory for you. You're
like, ah, what does that mean? Who am I gonna be
(10:33):
if I allow myself to fall? Because that's the other thing about love. Love
changes us. Love breaks us down and then
rebuilds us into this better version of ourselves. I'm even viewing it as a
sexy version of ourselves, and not even, like, in the sex way, but just as
in this more confident version of ourselves. Because when we're in
love with someone, we're really in love with ourselves. Because
(10:55):
when we allow ourselves to love somebody else, we have allowed
ourselves to love ourselves, is what I truly believe. Because I believe you
cannot love somebody more than you love yourself. And so the invitation
to love someone else is the invitation to love yourself deeper.
And that is, in my opinion, what life is all about, you
learning to love you. You are with you every second of your
(11:17):
life. It is important that you learn to love yourself now.
That has been a hard lesson for me to learn, but it has been the
best lesson. It's really been the only lesson that's been important.
Money comes and goes. Friends come and go. Family can even come and
go. Jobs come and go. Status comes and goes.
Power comes and goes. You are with you forever, from
(11:39):
the second you're born to the second you die. It's a much more enjoyable
journey if you learn to love yourself. And so
I think sometimes we hold ourselves back from falling in love out
of fear of not being enough and those fears I mentioned, but
also out of the fear of, is it too good to be
true? People who have been traumatized, especially, we
(12:01):
live with fears of things being too good. We always
stay on alert. We're always like, when's the next shoe gonna
drop? When is this thing gonna blow up in my face? Because that's what the
past has shown me. And it's important to see
that in yourself if that's you. As I mentioned at the beginning of the episode,
the answer to why you fear love is gonna be different for everybody, and it's
(12:23):
changed for me throughout my life. There were a million reasons why I fear love,
and I still can fear love. I have some new people in my life
who I adore, like some new friendships, and I find myself being
terrified of messing them up. It's triggering my deepest
insecurities that I'm not good enough for these people, and it's also
triggering my deepest desires of these
(12:45):
relationships feel like family, and that's what I desire,
family. And that terrifies me because what if I
then lose that family? And my pastor showed me what it's like to lose
family members. I've lost family members in death situations. I've
also just become estranged with family members and no longer speak to
them. And all those experiences have been so incredibly painful.
(13:07):
So have friend breakups. When people leave my life, it's the most painful
thing. I was thinking about it today when I was pondering this question that I
broke my wrist in the spring, and it was probably one of the most painful
physical injuries I've been through because I just haven't been injured physically very
much. But, god, matters of the heart hurt so much more. I
hate to compare, but I'm, like, breaking my wrist. I knew that would get
(13:28):
better. I put it in a brace. I took care of it. That, I had
steps for. When it comes to the heart, it's like the
wild, wild west. I have to go on this long journey that only I know
the road to, but I don't know it until I know it, if you know
what I'm saying. Like, you gotta go through it to learn the steps.
Oh, my gosh. So terrifying. So painful. But
(13:50):
with that, I truly believe that that which terrifies
us the most teaches us the most. We grow the
most through our deepest fears. And so your fear of love and leaning
into this relationship that you mentioned, leaning into this person you mentioned,
oh, I see such good potential for you. I see growth for you.
I see you loving yourself more at the end of this, and I really,
(14:13):
really hope it works out. I hope this person likes you as much as you
like them, and I hope it's a storybook ending because we could use some
more of those. I really believe that. But the truth is we don't know where
relationships will go. We don't know if somebody's in our life for a reason, a
season, or a lifetime. And that is something my therapist tells me all the time,
so I'm not taking credit for that saying. But I find it really helpful because
(14:34):
the truth is people can be in our life for a season, a reason, or
a lifetime, and all of those people are still important.
We don't have to judge it based off of, is this person gonna be here
forever? Is this gonna work out forever? When we go to that
mindset, that is the the mind creating a fear because the mind
is already fearing the person leaving and fearing the relationship ending.
(14:55):
So it's trying to predict the end before the beginning to keep you from
pain. But as you've noticed while writing this question is, thank you,
mind, for doing that, but it actually creates pain doing that because you're in
this thought cycle that is not enjoyable. You're not enjoying yourself as you're
in that. So I invite you to say, thank you, mind, for showing
me all the ways this could go wrong. I think it could go right,
(15:18):
though. Because as I said, the heart points us towards what we want.
It's so often illogical. That's why I talk about following your heart
because I find it to be the most fascinating journey because it's illogical.
Every desire I've ever had doesn't make sense on
paper, but it's always led me to my greatest potential, my
greatest healing, my greatest growth, and the greatest love. It's
(15:40):
amazing. It's incredible. It's illogical. And that's
why I wanna tell you that your fear here, it sounds like you're
trying to logically figure it out. And the truth is, you may
finish this episode and not really still understand why you fear
love. But if you still feel that way, I invite you to at least tell
yourself that the fear is normal. There's nothing wrong with you. It's
(16:02):
actually quite normal to fear love. And also that maybe you'll
only know the answers to these questions by taking the next step
forward. Because I find with so many of these fears we have, they're
keeping us stuck in a thought pattern of fear,
and for you to stop fearing love, you're gonna have to let love
in. Gary, I know. I know.
(16:24):
And it sounds like you're ready. From your question, it sounds like you are ready
and like you've met somebody. Sometimes when those fears come up, we can
become immobilized in terror and the freeze response and fear,
because you have mentioned terror. And sometimes when that happens, we have to spend a
little time with ourselves first. I wanna mention that for anybody here who's listening to
this, is that sometimes when we get terrified, we do need
(16:45):
to just spend some time with ourself first creating inner safety.
Because for so many of us, especially people listening to this podcast, you may
fear love because of childhood wounding and childhood
trauma. Many of us grew up in households that did not have
unconditional love. And when you don't grow up with unconditional love,
you don't know what unconditional love feels like. So you have to learn how
(17:08):
to feel it for yourself. And then to let somebody else in after
being so wounded is incredibly terrifying. And I
found throughout my journey, by not growing up with unconditional love, my
brain didn't understand what unconditional love was. As a child,
I just assumed what I experienced was unconditional love, but it was not because
love is not conditioned. There are no conditions to love.
(17:31):
Love is love. Love is undefinable. But
love would teach us that we're always enough. Love teaches us that we're always
worthy. Love teaches us that we make mistakes, but that's part of being
human. There's nothing wrong with you if you make mistakes. Love teaches us
that failure moves us forward, not that failure means anything wrong
about us. But many of us grew up with messages from childhood
(17:54):
that taught us otherwise, that we had to earn love, that
we had to do things to gain that love, that there was reasons and
ways that love could be taken away, that love could be unpredictable.
True love is actually the safest place you can be, and that's why we have
to learn to love ourselves first so we can create that inner safety. But
I mention all that because my biggest piece of advice to you
(18:17):
is to go for it. Fall in love. Just allow yourself to fall.
But if you struggle with that, I invite you to really be maybe
with some of those childhood wounds. And if anybody has any questions about that part,
write in a question, and we can keep this conversation going. And to
anybody out there who had childhood trauma, who did not
feel they had unconditional love growing up, who felt a lack of love within their
(18:40):
life, I want you to know that, one, I am so
sorry. I think child abuse and cruelty to children
and neglect of children is an epidemic on this planet.
I don't think we talk about it enough. I think a lot of problems would
be solved if we were kinder to children, if we took better care
of children, and if adults learned how to love themselves
(19:01):
so that they could love children. But we're not quite there yet, and that's
okay. That's why I do this podcast. I really believe that we're healing
our inner children every time we show up to this podcast. What I mean by
that is though you may have not had that love then, you deserve that love
now, and you can be the parent you always deserved. And
so when I get overwhelmed by fear, terror, and
(19:23):
all the heart emotions, I show up as the parent I needed and the
parent I still need. And I sit myself down, and I sit with the
painful feeling, and I sit with the fear, and I talk myself through it. I
reassure myself that it's just fear. And that's
what it is because when you fear love, it's just fear.
Because you do deserve love. You can have that love anytime you want
(19:46):
by giving it to yourself. The more you give it to yourself, the more you
will step out and look for that love and be less afraid
because you'll know that if somebody doesn't match your level of love,
doesn't love you the same way you love them, yes, it will still be
painful, because it always is, when we feel rejected or
abandoned or not loved to the same level. It is always
(20:08):
painful. Matters of the heart are painful. It's why we avoid so many of them.
But it will be easier because you will love you, and you will know
that even though that person doesn't love you the same, it doesn't
mean anything about you. It doesn't mean you're not lovable. It
doesn't mean you don't deserve love. It doesn't mean you won't find your
person. It just means your heart led you into a situation
(20:29):
that has a lesson for you. That's what I truly believe. The older I get,
every situation can teach me something, if I allow it to. The fun
ones, the joyful ones, and the painful ones. It's always just
leading us into growing deeper into who we are. And there's
nothing wrong with that. So why does this fear exist for you?
I hope you might have some insight after all my ponderings on
(20:52):
love that I have shared. But it's going to be individual for every
person. Why do you fear love so much? And as I record this
episode, I find myself wondering what is my deepest fear when it comes to
love? And as I think about it, I would say mine would
do with betrayal and that the people who truly can
betray us are the people we trust. And the more I
(21:13):
allow myself to love people in my life, the more I fear they
will betray me because betrayal has been one of the most painful
experiences of my personal life. And it's really
only those we allow in that we allow to be
able to stab us in the heart. As I mentioned earlier, we build
up walls to the world and defenses so that we can't get hurt. So we
(21:36):
don't walk around in every room being the most loving being in the whole world
and showing everybody our true selves. We don't do that and there's nothing wrong with
that. You know? Different people get different layers of us. And when we
allow somebody truly in to see who we truly are and we lay ourselves
bare, and I feel like naked, honestly, in a romantic partnership, you will end
up naked, it's more terrifying. There's more cards on the table,
(21:58):
and that's where our hearts can truly get hurt. Because
when we allow ourselves to truly fall in love, we take all those guards down,
we lay there vulnerable and naked, and we say, this is
me. Do you love me as I am? And,
yeah, that is terrifying. I do find that
terrifying. I'm thinking about it in my own life right now, and I'm like, dang.
(22:20):
That's scary. But what I've also found throughout
my life is that that deep connection, that deep intimacy, and that deep love is
what we're all craving. And it's only by allowing ourselves to open
up to others that we feel that love and that connection, and we really feel
what it's truly like to be alive. Because I find that I truly feel
alive when I connect with others. It's always gonna be scary to
(22:43):
fall in love. It's always gonna be scary to put yourself out there,
vulnerably. But that's where trust is built. That's where love is built.
That's where true intimacy is built is all through allowing yourself
to let go and to let go of fear and to allow love
in. So how do we move forward from here? How do we do that?
One step at a time. I wish I had a better answer for you, but
(23:05):
truly be kind to yourself. Reassure yourself that what you
are doing is courageous and brave because it is. To allow ourselves to
love one another and to allow love in is a courageous act. I think the
world would be a better place if more people lived in a place of love
rather than a place of fear. But I think a lot of people have been
abused, have been traumatized, have been hurt, and they build up walls, and they don't
(23:27):
wanna let love in again because as you have stated, it is terrifying
sometimes to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. And the human mind, the human
psyche, the human body does not wanna be in pain. So it builds up all
these defense mechanisms to not be in pain. And I think that when
we recognize that, we're able to, 1, start to take down
those defenses. We're able to see why. We're able to bring conscious
(23:49):
awareness to why we are the way we are, which is then how we can
begin to unravel those defenses and reassure ourselves that we are safe.
We're not being abused in this moment. We're not being traumatized in this moment. We
are able to make new choices by being aware, but also
through being kind to ourselves and taking one step at a time, allowing
yourself to show who you are to this person one step at a time and
(24:11):
allowing yourself to lean in. And that's what I truly invite all of you to
do today, and I'm gonna do that today. I'm gonna lean in a little bit
more. I'm gonna allow a little bit more love into my life. I think we
can always continue to allow more love into our life. So that's the last thing
I'll leave you with is that we can always love ourselves deeper. We can always
love others deeper. We can always just love deeper. So be kind to
(24:31):
yourself. Be patient with yourself. You don't have to jump in and propose to this
person. Right? It's just one layer at a time, just showing this person a little
bit more of a vulnerable you. That's how trust is built. We don't have to
give somebody all of us at one time. Trust is built through small
actions over time. So if you find yourself being terrified, take it
slow. There is no rush, but do move forward.
(24:52):
Do have those vulnerable conversations. Do allow yourself to
lean into love. And when you feel that fear coming up and that terror coming
up, be kind to yourself, comfort yourself, and maybe ask this person
to be there for you through some of those times. Maybe open up to them
that you're terrified. That's how intimacy is built. Saying, hey. I'm not
perfect. I'm actually terrified. I'm terrified of you. Isn't
(25:14):
that crazy? I think that the person may be surprised to hear
that. I think so many of us put on a tough exterior, and
it's really helpful when people are honest and transparent with one
another about how nobody's perfect. So don't think you have to be
perfect. Don't think you have to have the answers to all your questions. Just
lean into love. I hope something in this answer was helpful. It ended up just
(25:36):
being more of a conversation about love. So I hope something in this answer was
helpful for you. I know it was a helpful episode for me, so thank you
so much for asking this question. I am sending you so much love.
Thank you so much for joining me for another episode of newbie advice. As always,
I'm so grateful to have these conversations each week. If you have a question you'd
(25:57):
like to hear answered on the podcast, I'd love to invite you to submit a
question at newbie advice.com/question, or you can send me an email
at contact at newbie advice.com. Thank you again for joining me for another episode
of newview advice. As always, I hope I was able to offer you a new
view on whatever you may be going through. Sending you all my love. See you
next time.
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