March 19, 2025 • 33 mins
In this episode of Next Door Gospel, host Peggy Griffith sits down with Carrie Sgarlata to discuss her experiences as a foster and adoptive mother. Carrie shares her journey, beginning with her inspiration at age 19 to help children in need and culminating in her family's decision to become a foster family. Throughout the conversation, Carrie reflects on the challenges and rewards of fostering nearly 15 children over ten years, adopting two, and the ongoing support they received from their faith, family, and community. Carrie also offers advice for those considering fostering or adoption, emphasizing the importance of support systems, realistic expectations, and unwavering compassion.
HHS AFCARS Report: https://acf.gov/sites/default/files/documents/cb/afcars-report-30.pdf
For more information on licensing for foster care: https://childrenswi.org/childrens-and-the-community/foster-care-and-adoption
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Peggy Griffith (00:09):
Hello and welcome to Next Door Gospel.
I'm Peggy Griffith, and thankyou for tuning in today.
Friends, as I reflect on thisidea of Next Door Gospel and
what it's becoming, curatingstories of God's presence among
us, I can't think of any betteranalogy today than of God's
entrance into a broken world,Through the life of Jesus and
(00:35):
throughout the Gospels, we readof Jesus entering into places
with those who are broken thehurting the sick rejected and
Jesus referred to them as theleast of these.
And a quick Google search led meto the U.
S.
Department of Health and HumanServices, and according to their
(00:57):
most recent report from 2022,there were approximately 370,
000 children in foster care inthe United States.
Everyday there are people whoenter into those broken places
to offer hope, some semblance ofstability and support and most
(01:18):
importantly, unconditional loveto the most vulnerable among us.
So, today we are sitting downwith Carrie Sgarlata.
Carrie will be sharing her storyas a mother who has experienced
both being a foster parent aswell as adoption.
So Carrie, thank you for beinghere today.
Carrie Sgarlata (01:39):
Thank you so much for having me.
I'm honored to be here with youto talk about something that I
hold most dear.
Peggy Griffith (01:45):
Well, let's start at the beginning.
What first led you and yourfamily to consider fostering?
Carrie Sgarlata (01:53):
Yeah, well, the story goes back to when I was
about 19 years old and I was acollege student at Valparaiso
University in Indiana.
I am a teacher.
And so at that time I wasgetting my education degree and
I had a field placement inMichigan City, Indiana, which
was kind of like an inner citysetting at that time.
(02:15):
So the school I was placed athad many children there that
were struggling.
And I was to spend a week in afirst grade classroom, and when
I entered the classroom, Inoticed one little boy's desk
was pushed far away into thecorner away from his peers.
And the teacher said to me, youcan spend the week with Adam.
And, I did.
And, if you were to see behindme right here, there's still a
(02:36):
picture of Adam and me from thatweek, together.
And, I could tell that Adam wasa child who was full of
potential, was struggling andcoming from hard places,
probably wasn't really seen forwho he was, and it just really
hit me, if I could have, I thinkI would have wanted to take him
home with me on Friday afternoonwhen my placement was over.
(02:57):
But at that time, my husband, wewere dating at the time he went
to Purdue and that's about anhour and 20 minutes south of
Valparaiso.
And I went to see him for theweekend.
And when I got there, I said,you know, and I knew we were
going to get married.
I said, I think someday oncewe're married, we need to do
something like help kids thatare coming from hard places.
Or maybe, you know, we did wanta family of our own, but maybe
(03:19):
adopt a child at some point.
And Nick thought, well.
I'm not so sure about that.
Well, we'll see how that goes.
And, fast forward, we gotmarried when we were 23, we're
blessed with three beautifulchildren.
And then I would say kind of inour mid thirties, late thirties,
we decided we were actuallyready to do this work and, we
(03:42):
pursued the idea of becoming afoster family.
Um, our big three, as we callthe three biological Children
were very much on board.
Haley, our oldest was in highschool.
Maddie was in middle school andgunner was in 1st 2nd grade when
we start talking about it.
And so they all were old enoughto understand what we were
doing.
And we had agreed that we wouldjust take one child at a time,
(04:05):
and we were only going to doboys because the way that rooms
and sharing and all that worksout with foster care, we could
only do that and Gunnar would bethe one that would share.
And we said ages three to seven.
We didn't need any babies.
Um, and so that started ourjourney.
And, we ended up fostering fornearly 10 years, helping about
(04:25):
15 children and ended upadopting two who were actually
babies when they came to us.
And so now, our family nowincludes, our son, Raphael, who
is seven, who came to us and hewas six months old and Joseph,
who was four and came to us atfour months old.
So we've got ages four to nowHaley's 26.
So, that's how we got started.
(04:46):
It's all because of Adam.
And ironically, when we werepursuing this, I searched Adam
because I do know his last name.
I searched him and I didn't findvery good results.
I found that he had spent sometime in jail, but I also
located, that his stepfather wasa city official.
and I reached out to him and Iemailed him and I told him what
(05:09):
we were doing.
I sent him the picture of Adamand me, and I told him that Adam
was the inspiration for thiswork, and he wrote me back.
And he was very appreciative ofthat, and he said Adam was doing
much better.
And he was going to share that,Story with Adam.
So, it was kind of a full circlemoment for me, for sure.
Peggy Griffith (05:29):
Oh, wow.
I, and I love that.
There was an initial callingthat kind of stayed with you and
it never went away.
You felt the need to carry thatforward and have family
discussions with your Children.
How did they initially reactwhen you sat them down and
(05:49):
talked about this?
Carrie Sgarlata (05:51):
super on board.
Very excited.
All in.
Couldn't wait to help.
Once we were licensed and we gotthat first phone call, they were
all standing around the kitchencounter saying say yes, say yes,
say yes.
And we actually couldn't say yesto that first placement due to,
his school placement was reallytoo far away from our home.
And so it was going to be justlogistically difficult to get
(06:12):
that child to school.
But, we could not have done thiswork over the last.
9 to 10 years as well withoutthem.
So they have been huge,supporters, contributors,
selfless.
This is not easy work.
the Children that came into ourhome and the Children that go
into other foster homes, mosthave trauma and it causes can it
(06:36):
does and it can cause greatdisruption into a family
structure that's fairly stableand our household was pretty
structured.
our kids knew our expectations.
We ran a tight ship and then youhave a child come that hasn't
been raised the same way thatour Children have.
And, maybe as a child that hadcame from a difficult pregnancy
(06:58):
or the mom use drugs during thepregnancy or the mom didn't have
prenatal care.
We know that generational traumadoes pass down from body to body
through the womb.
A baby can feel thatgenerational trauma in their
system and in their DNA.
And so that comes with thatchild and that's part of who
they are.
(07:18):
And so you're dealing with a lotof, nature that I always thought
I can change that and realizedactually I can't, and then sadly
to say for many of the kids thatcame into our home, a lack of
nurture.
Oftentimes the biggest reasonchildren come into foster care
is because of neglect.
Many people think it's abuse,but it's actually neglect.
(07:41):
So they haven't had those deepconnections.
They haven't been held and lovedand given that positive
reinforcement and encouragementthat really shapes our brain to
believe good about ourselves.
And so, You're you're fightingagainst a lot of things when
they come into your home andtrying to love them like they're
your own child and oftentimesthey don't respond to a time out
(08:04):
the same way that, neurotypicalchild would respond.
It's a big learning curve, biglearning curve for sure.
Peggy Griffith (08:12):
Sure.
That's fascinating.
Can you walk us through your 1stfostering experience when the
phone rang and you were able tosay yes.
Carrie Sgarlata (08:21):
Yes.
I remember it.
Well, actually this was preCOVID.
So, when you are licensed as afoster parent, you have an
initial intake process wherethey ask you every single
question, every single financialrecord, your background as a
child, all of those things.
So it's anywhere from a three tosix month process to get
licensed.
And then, your first two years,you need to complete 30 hours of
(08:44):
training.
In addition to a couple othercourses.
And so, this was fall.
I remember it was October 14th,the exact date.
And we were actually at theChildren's Community Center
because we were licensed throughChildren's Hospital in
Milwaukee, and we were there fora partnership parenting class.
And the idea behind this isthat, you would really try to
(09:05):
work well with the biologicalparent and partner parent during
that time that their child wasin care to build good
relationships and to make thatchild understand that you are
simply there to serve.
You are not there to take thischild away or make the child
choose between you or theparent.
And so it's this class.
I actually teach it now,ironically, but it's how can we
(09:27):
work together?
And so my husband Nick and Iwere sitting there and, a call
had already come in prior to usgetting there for a family of
eight Children.
That needed to be placed and noone can take eight children.
It's very hard to place even twoor three children from a sibling
set, let alone eight.
(09:47):
And, we had learned that thechildren were actually in the
office there.
It was a pretty, serious removalthat involved the, police
department.
They basically came to us andsaid, we've got a four year old,
a five year old, a six year old,a seven year old.
Who do you want?
And so we said, we'll take thefour year old.
(10:08):
And so, we sat through the restof the class and then we walked
down the hall and we met thislittle guy who clearly was
probably scared, from what I hadheard, the removal was very,
very scary and, dad fought it.
And so we took him to McDonald'sand got some drive thru and then
brought him home, and that wasour first placement.
(10:29):
He stayed with us from Octoberto July.
Ironically, in foster care, whena child is placed into care, the
parent knows where they are.
They get a court document thathas your address on it.
They know the location of theirchild as they should.
However, in very extremesituations, a judge may decide
to make a case undisclosed,which means the parent or
(10:53):
something about that family isnot safe, that they don't want
the parent to know where theirchild is.
Here we are partnershipparenting class on how to get
along.
And then we find out this is anundisclosed case.
So we did not get to partnerparent with this set of parents
at all because dad was not avery safe man.
I'm very proud to say in that 10months of time, and we knew he
(11:17):
would go home because eventhough it was a very
dysfunctional family, this childvery much knew that that was his
family.
Um, they had a connection, theyhad a bond, in that time.
Our placement, our child was theonly child that remained in our
home the entire 10 months.
Every other child from thatfamily moved due to various
(11:38):
situations.
And so I know that this child'sparents recognized that we were,
a safe and loving option fortheir child.
And in May, mom asked to meetme.
That was the first time I eversaw or met a parent.
And so mom and I met at thecourthouse and it was lovely and
(11:58):
she was so grateful.
she gave me a huge hug.
We laughed, we cried.
She told me some things aboutthis little guy that I didn't
know.
and she had always said, I willnever keep him from you.
And when he ended up going home,there was some legal things
going on.
It was in July and we knew thatthere was a court case.
The court hearing started onMonday was going to be done on
(12:19):
Friday.
And the case management teamsaid, be prepared.
He's probably going to go homeon Friday.
He's probably just going to go.
Well, on Tuesday, they called usat three o'clock and said, the
judge just threw the case out.
You better get him here to theoffice in 45 minutes, pack up
all his stuff.
He's going home.
And that was it.
And it was over.
And we said goodbye with lots oftears.
(12:40):
We knew it was coming, but wedidn't know it was coming that
fast.
Mom tried to let me see him, andit just it ended up not being
very safe for her to facilitatethat relationship with me.
And we've never seen him since.
We look back on him now on thatlittle guy, and he was so easy
compared to some of the otherkids we've had.
He was so easy.
(13:01):
And when my husband and Haleywent to pick him up from daycare
on that Tuesday, and they got inthe car and Nick said to him,
you're going home today.
And he goes, Thank God.
That was his first reaction.
He couldn't wait to get home.
So, that's the thing you have toappreciate as a foster parent
that while that child might dowell in your home and might I
(13:21):
think you're great and love you,you're not home.
And so you have to remember whatyour role is as a foster parent.
Peggy Griffith (13:28):
And it sounds amazing that this young boy of
age four was wise enough tounderstand the difference in
your role and his biologicalfamily.
What support systems helped youthrough this?
(13:50):
through this situation,
Carrie Sgarlata (13:52):
Yeah.
It was a very difficult goodbye.
I found myself keeping mysunglasses on when I'd go into
stores because the music wouldbe on and then it would make me
all sad but first and foremost,our faith, absolutely our faith.
Like.
All of this is driven from thatplace because fostering is
incredibly difficult and mostpeople can't do this work and it
(14:15):
is work.
I believe it is total service ofwhat God expects us to do to
take care of others.
Because at the end of the day,it is so selfless.
And so, we rely on God.
We rely on our church communityfor sure.
Our church has been sosupportive of every child we
have brought through thosedoors.
(14:35):
Our community of fellow fosterand adoptive parents that we've
gotten to know over the last,you know, 10 years.
And really just like our nuclearfamily, we only can fully
understand what we've beenthrough and it's really hard to
explain to people.
you grieve a child in a way thatlike they're still alive,
(14:56):
they're gone.
And so our charge as fosterparents is to love a child like
your own, like they're your ownchild, but be ready to say
goodbye to them at a moment'snotice and then figure out how
you feel about that.
Deal with your feelings and justbuck up and be brave.
And so a lot of foster parentswill say, you know, we shed a
lot of tears for these kids andthose kids deserve those tears
(15:18):
and they're worthy of that andthey are.
and our longest placement, isone that we've adopted that was
Raphael and our shortestplacement was nine hours.
Nine hours he was with us andthen was they found his parents
and he was lost in a park andthen he was taken back to his
family.
So you have to be prepared to beready for anything.
(15:39):
I could tell you stories Peggythat you wouldn't even believe,
like, I can't even make them upsome of the things that have
happened.
So it's just, your eyes areopened.
to a lot and a lot of pain thatthese families are suffering.
When I teach that partnerparenting class now, I talk a
lot about how our family hasreally lowered our judgment
(16:01):
levels of others, how theability to show grace and
compassion, which is what Godasks us to do.
I changed my opinions about alot of things like.
I know these people love theirChildren.
They don't know how to care forthem in a healthy way.
Many of the parents that we haveworked with over the last 10
(16:24):
years were foster Childrenthemselves.
So again, the cycle continues.
Peggy Griffith (16:32):
the generational aspect of coming up through this
system.
Carrie Sgarlata (16:37):
Yep.
Yep.
Peggy Griffith (16:39):
as you look back, because I hear you saying
like, oh, there's some storiesthat I could tell.
Um, as you look back, is there aspecific story that just hits
your heart and maybe even aspecific story where you knew
God's presence was at play?
Carrie Sgarlata (16:57):
There's a couple.
I think about Joseph first.
There's two that come to mindimmediately.
Joseph, came to us in a reallyunique way.
It was during COVID.
He was born March 6, 2020.
And I had a family that we knewin foster land, and they're In
their late 60s, 70s, they hadadopted two from care and the
woman had said, we're done,we're done, we're getting too
(17:19):
old for this.
And, I'd heard through Maddie,my daughter, who was doing some
work in an elementary school.
Hey, did you know that so andso, they just took placement of
a baby.
And so I reached out to thisfriend and I said, what are you
doing?
And Maddie said, you took ababy.
You said you weren't.
doing this anymore.
You're done.
And she said, well, no one wouldtake him.
He needed to come home from thehospital.
(17:41):
And we said we'd help for sixweeks because with babies, you
can't, take newborns to daycareuntil they're seven weeks old.
So that's hard for fosterparents because they can't just
quit their jobs for that.
So you need to kind of have someresources in place.
So this friend had said, we saidwe'd keep them for six weeks.
And she said, and guess what,Carrie, he needs to be adopted.
(18:02):
And I'm like, Oh, okay, I'm not,we're not doing this.
I'm 48 years old.
I'm too old.
We're done.
We're done.
And then she sent me somepictures and then she said, his
name is Joseph.
And, that is my grandfather'sname.
And that is what I was supposedto be named if I was a little
boy.
And so I was like, okay, God,what are you doing here?
And we met Joseph and we talkeda lot about the role of that
(18:26):
child in our family, andespecially like for Rafi with
Haley, Maddie and Gunnar, ouroldest.
They understand their place inthe family.
They know they're not goinganywhere.
They know that that's not avulnerable relationship.
With Rafi, we started to worryabout can we keep fostering and
we don't want to foster biggerkids that could influence him.
So should Rafi be the bigbrother?
(18:48):
And so we thought, I don't know,God's presenting this
opportunity and we thought aboutit.
And obviously we made thedecision to do it.
Um, another one comes to mindand he's always the one that I
say kind of got away.
I was very good in the beginningabout keeping my head and my
heart balanced.
Like I really knew our role.
Like I never crossed the line oflike, Is this child like if we
(19:11):
had an opportunity to adopt, wewould, but we weren't going to
force it.
And this little guy came to usin January.
He was our third or fourthplacement.
We got a call in the middle ofthe night.
Most of our calls were in themiddle of the night call about 1
a.
m.
And the placement worker fromChildren's said, Carrie, just
wake up a minute.
And I said, Okay.
(19:32):
And she said, I have a four yearold boy here who needs
placement.
His two year old brother justdied today of an opiate
overdose.
And I said, Okay, bring himover.
And that was a Thursday into aFriday.
And, when a child is in care orcomes into care, a judge has to
decide within 48 hours if theremoval was legitimate.
(19:54):
And since it was the weekend,that was going to have to take
place on Monday.
And they said, we've tried tocall family.
We've tried to call hisbiological dad.
No one's answering.
Mom is in jail.
Plan on having him for a while.
And we also knew that his otherolder siblings had already been
adopted and mom was trying tostart over with the second
family and obviously wasstruggling.
(20:17):
And so I thought, Oh my gosh,this is the one like mom's
incarcerated.
They can't find dad.
Like this might be the one weadopt.
And on Monday.
You go to court and I had takenhim to the doctor because you
have to do that.
And then I found out from thecase manager that they found
biological dad and he showed upand he wanted his son and he
(20:38):
should, he should want his son,but yet he wasn't involved in
this child's life.
So he was going to have to worktowards it.
So for about six months, wehelped that transition, but mom
wrote to me often from jail andshe asked us to be his legal
guardian and we wanted nothingmore to be.
(21:00):
But the court said we have abiological parent that is
stepping up and should step upthere.
There's no way you don't have achance at all.
So that was a really tough one.
And yet I knew for that childand for the long haul of his
life for him to be with abiological parent, given all
that he's going to have toprocess as a child who witnessed
(21:22):
a very traumatic event, beingsurrounded by his family.
how often his mom reached out tome and asked me to be there for
him, just, I really felt wasvery moving.
And, I remember telling her,your little guy's telling me he
really likes deviled eggs.
(21:43):
And I said, I can't standdeviled eggs.
I've never made a deviled egg inmy life.
And so I said, can you shareyour recipe and she wrote back
to me and she said, all right,here's the recipe, but don't
tell anyone it's a secret magicrecipe.
And so I made deviled eggs forhim and I can't stand it, but I
still have those letters in, afile from her.
And, those moments stick withyou for sure.
(22:05):
And I've never seen him since,never seen him since.
And, the reunifications whenthey feel good are.
Rewarding and, we had a littleguy for a month one time and I
knew he was in the process ofreunifying for dad and we met
with dad and we met at theoffice at children's and I went
to give him a handshake when hewas picking up his son and he
just came in and gave me thebiggest hug.
(22:27):
He's like, no handshake here andjust, huge bear hug and thank
you for everything you did formy child.
And, so, you know, you've donewhat you're supposed to do.
Peggy Griffith (22:37):
Tell me about, sometimes the situation where
the story doesn't end the way inwhich you'd hoped,
Carrie Sgarlata (22:44):
Right.
So we have a situation, with aspecial friend that has been
with us three separate timesover the last six years.
And we've done our best to helphim and have him here and give
him all the support he needs.
And it just hasn't worked forvarious reasons.
And, It's been really tough.
(23:05):
It's been probably my biggest,faith challenge with God.
I struggle because some peoplein the foster world, there are
some people I follow on Facebookthat are foster parents that
are, their faith is, um, it'svery much like I will do
(23:25):
whatever you need Lord.
And yet I see familiescrumbling.
from some of the children theyhave adopted because the mental
health needs are so great andpeople are getting divorced
because of children they'veadopted families are living in
separate places to keep otherfamily members safe.
And I don't believe that's whatGod would want, really,
(23:46):
honestly, and yet what do we doto help these children that have
no one or are in such despair.
And so we've had to make somereally tough decisions that I
know that we've done the rightthing for certain people that we
love, and then sometimes itfeels all wrong for other people
that we love, and I question Godfrom the standpoint that these
(24:12):
are children.
And I don't think any childshould have to experience the
hurt and loneliness that some ofthese kids in foster care have
experienced.
I know that many adultsexperience that.
But for me, with my teacherheart, it's just different when
it's a child.
It's just not how it's supposedto go.
(24:33):
It's not, it's just not fairand, children aren't quite old
enough to understand how theycan try to, you know, pull up
their bootstraps and get out ofthis really difficult situation.
Can I have it, you know, make mewho I am, or can I have it drag
me down?
And they don't have thewherewithal to do that.
A lot of adults don't have thewherewithal
Peggy Griffith (24:53):
right?
Or even the means.
Carrie Sgarlata (24:55):
Exactly.
Yeah.
And what are my resources andwho do I talk to and how do I
have self control so I don'thurt people that I know are
trying to help me and children'sbrains are still developing and
then you put trauma on top of itand it's just a, recipe for an
explosion.
And so I still struggle.
(25:15):
I have a little plaque on mykitchen counter that says pray,
wait, trust, or pray, trust,wait, and I pray for that child
every day.
I know that there's purpose inour life for him.
I know that we are meant to beconnected in some capacity.
I don't believe that God putspeople in your world by
(25:36):
accident.
but I am having a hard timewaiting to see where that goes.
And, we have the support of ourfamily to be able to carry us
through that grief.
And yet that little boy that welove so desperately is facing so
much of this alone.
And that's what just is, it'spainful.
(25:57):
It's painful.
And it's a lot of people willdescribe this as a really
impossible situation that we'vebeen in the last several years
with this kid.
And then people say thesecomments like, well, if the
Sgarlatas can't do it, who can?
And it's like, you know, it's acompliment and yet you feel this
awesome responsibility for theselittle people.
And then you still think aboutthe people and the children that
we do have in our home that wehave to care about and we have
(26:20):
to love.
And our two little ones comefrom hard places and they need
lots of attention.
And so you have to make sure yourecognize your capacity.
And I think that's really hardfor some foster parents.
They keep saying yes, yes, yes.
And then all of a sudden thebalance of the family is really,
off.
And so most foster parents don'tmake this more than a year.
(26:40):
They don't stay licensed morethan a year.
Peggy Griffith (26:44):
That is astounding to hear that.
And I think it people who are intough situations, whether it's a
situation like what you'respeaking of a medical situation,
or you lose a job waiting forthis to come full circle where
you understand how it's allfitting together is.
(27:06):
Excruciating and your pain, Ithink, is what represents that
alignment with Jesus heart forlove and justice and protection
of Children, and it doesn't makeit any better, but it doesn't
(27:28):
make it suck any less
Carrie Sgarlata (27:31):
Yeah.
You're right.
Peggy Griffith (27:32):
for lack of a better way to say it.
It still
Carrie Sgarlata (27:34):
Yeah.
It does.
It does.
Peggy Griffith (27:37):
but.
That understanding and waitingfor that full picture to come
into view, is a tough one.
And man, we pray for you forthat to come into fruition, you
talked a little bit about thetransition from fostering to
adoption.
Did you know going into this orthink going into this that you
(27:57):
would end up.
Adopting two Children
Carrie Sgarlata (28:01):
No, it's just going to be one only one.
If we adopted is going to beone.
and we were only going to fosterone at a time.
And then after Rafi came to usat 6 months old in March.
And again, that was through afriend that we knew who asked us
if we would take him because sheonly had him for a short time
and then in that fall of 2018,we thought, hey, it's kind of
(28:28):
quiet around here.
Like, could we foster another 1?
I mean, like, we could probablyget on the list again.
And then that's when this littlespecial guy came to us that I
was telling you about that'sbeen with us for.
on and off for six years.
and, and then he had left us andthen Joseph came to us in July
of 2020.
And then, we kept, we had tokeep our license open because we
(28:49):
had them.
but then, Rafi was adopted thefollowing May of 2021, and then
Joseph was June of 2021, andthey're not biologically
related.
and we kept our license open.
For that one specific child I'vebeen talking about, but not to
take anybody else.
we have always said to theagency, we'll take a kid for a
night if you can't findplacement, but we knew that we
(29:10):
had our hands full and needed togive our attention to Joseph and
Rafi.
but no, we were only going toadopt one.
We were only going to fosterone.
And remember what I said at thebeginning, we were never going
to take babies.
That was not in the plan.
And that obviously isn't God'splan.
Peggy Griffith (29:24):
What advice would you give to families
considering fostering oradoption right now?
Carrie Sgarlata (29:31):
first of all, I would say thank you for
considering it.
There is a desperate need.
You had shared some of thosestatistics in the beginning.
I do know just because of whatmy husband does as the executive
director to a nonprofit that'shelping kids aging out, the
number is closer to 400, 000 nownationwide of kids in care.
Um, there's about 7, 000 in thestate of Wisconsin, about 2, 000
(29:53):
in the, in Milwaukee Countyalone.
So, as I had mentioned to you,Many people will get a license
and then they'll close it withina year because they just can't
do it.
many people will get a licenseand they'll, take placement and
then that will turn into anadoption.
And then they close theirlicense because they adopted and
they don't want to do itanymore.
So if you're making it that farthat you're going to an
informational meeting and you'reconsidering it, I want to say
(30:14):
thank you.
Um, a couple things, make surethat whoever you're doing that
with, if it's you alone.
Make sure you have a supportsystem.
And if you have a partner withyou, make sure you're on the
same page because it is thehardest thing we've ever done.
And you really have to bealigned as a couple that you
both wanted to do this becauseyou can't pit it against the
(30:35):
other person when the child isreally struggling.
Well, you wanted to do this andI didn't, that's not okay.
That doesn't help the child atall.
So make sure that you're reallygrounded in your relationship
and that this is something youagree upon and what are your non
negotiables in terms of whatchild would you accept?
What behaviors are you willingto deal with?
And then also remembering thatyou've got to keep your head and
(30:56):
your heart in balance.
You've got to keep that boundarythere.
This is an act of service.
It is not an act of saving.
So many children will come intoyour home and need you for a
short period of time until theirfamily can heal.
And you might not like thestandard of the healing, but if
it's good enough, they're goinghome.
(31:18):
And so you can't be judgmental.
You control nothing in thissituation.
Nothing.
You have no rights as a fosterparent.
Really.
you can't hire a lawyer to tryto adopt this child.
So if your goal is to go into itto adopt, you will adopt at some
point, but it may not be thechild that you think it was
going to be.
And, you have to be patient,flexible, compassionate.
(31:42):
Lower your judgment, lower yourexpectations, and there's a lot
of joy in this too.
There's a lot of beauty.
I describe it as beautiful andbroken at the same time.
And you know, no child should betaken from his or her family.
Especially their mommy, it'sjust, that's just not how it
should be.
But unfortunately there'sbrokenness in our world.
(32:03):
And then there's people that arewilling to step in and provide a
service.
And we need more, we need waymore foster parents there.
There's just not enough.
There's a lot of kids sleepingin the office waiting for, for
placements.
It's very difficult.
Peggy Griffith (32:20):
Thank you.
And I don't think there is abetter way to sum it up than
what you just said.
Beautiful and broken.
Carrie Sgarlata (32:27):
Yes.
Peggy Griffith (32:29):
Thank you so much, Carrie, for sharing your
story with us.
Carrie Sgarlata (32:33):
My pleasure.
Peggy Griffith (32:34):
And to our listeners, I'll be posting some
links in the show notes for moreinformation on the statistics I
shared.
and also maybe reference some,links and information to learn a
little bit more about fostercare and adoption.
And.
Thank you for tuning in today.
and if you haven't done soalready click that subscribe
button, wherever you listen toyour podcasts, so you won't miss
(32:56):
next week's gospel story.
And you can also follow nextdoor gospel on Facebook and
Instagram.
And if you or someone, you know,would like to share your story
on the show, please send me anemail at next door gospel at
gmail.
com and until then.
May the Lord bless you and keepyou.
May the Lord make his face toshine upon you and be gracious
(33:19):
to you.
The Lord turn his face towardsyou and give you peace forever
and always.
Amen.
Hello and welcome to Next Door Gospel.
I'm Peggy Griffith, and thankyou for tuning in today.
Friends, as I reflect on thisidea of Next Door Gospel and
what it's becoming, curatingstories of God's presence among
us, I can't think of any betteranalogy today than of God's
entrance into a broken world,Through the life of Jesus and
(00:35):
throughout the Gospels, we readof Jesus entering into places
with those who are broken thehurting the sick rejected and
Jesus referred to them as theleast of these.
And a quick Google search led meto the U.
S.
Department of Health and HumanServices, and according to their
(00:57):
most recent report from 2022,there were approximately 370,
000 children in foster care inthe United States.
Everyday there are people whoenter into those broken places
to offer hope, some semblance ofstability and support and most
(01:18):
importantly, unconditional loveto the most vulnerable among us.
So, today we are sitting downwith Carrie Sgarlata.
Carrie will be sharing her storyas a mother who has experienced
both being a foster parent aswell as adoption.
So Carrie, thank you for beinghere today.
Carrie Sgarlata (01:39):
Thank you so much for having me.
I'm honored to be here with youto talk about something that I
hold most dear.
Peggy Griffith (01:45):
Well, let's start at the beginning.
What first led you and yourfamily to consider fostering?
Carrie Sgarlata (01:53):
Yeah, well, the story goes back to when I was
about 19 years old and I was acollege student at Valparaiso
University in Indiana.
I am a teacher.
And so at that time I wasgetting my education degree and
I had a field placement inMichigan City, Indiana, which
was kind of like an inner citysetting at that time.
(02:15):
So the school I was placed athad many children there that
were struggling.
And I was to spend a week in afirst grade classroom, and when
I entered the classroom, Inoticed one little boy's desk
was pushed far away into thecorner away from his peers.
And the teacher said to me, youcan spend the week with Adam.
And, I did.
And, if you were to see behindme right here, there's still a
(02:36):
picture of Adam and me from thatweek, together.
And, I could tell that Adam wasa child who was full of
potential, was struggling andcoming from hard places,
probably wasn't really seen forwho he was, and it just really
hit me, if I could have, I thinkI would have wanted to take him
home with me on Friday afternoonwhen my placement was over.
(02:57):
But at that time, my husband, wewere dating at the time he went
to Purdue and that's about anhour and 20 minutes south of
Valparaiso.
And I went to see him for theweekend.
And when I got there, I said,you know, and I knew we were
going to get married.
I said, I think someday oncewe're married, we need to do
something like help kids thatare coming from hard places.
Or maybe, you know, we did wanta family of our own, but maybe
(03:19):
adopt a child at some point.
And Nick thought, well.
I'm not so sure about that.
Well, we'll see how that goes.
And, fast forward, we gotmarried when we were 23, we're
blessed with three beautifulchildren.
And then I would say kind of inour mid thirties, late thirties,
we decided we were actuallyready to do this work and, we
(03:42):
pursued the idea of becoming afoster family.
Um, our big three, as we callthe three biological Children
were very much on board.
Haley, our oldest was in highschool.
Maddie was in middle school andgunner was in 1st 2nd grade when
we start talking about it.
And so they all were old enoughto understand what we were
doing.
And we had agreed that we wouldjust take one child at a time,
(04:05):
and we were only going to doboys because the way that rooms
and sharing and all that worksout with foster care, we could
only do that and Gunnar would bethe one that would share.
And we said ages three to seven.
We didn't need any babies.
Um, and so that started ourjourney.
And, we ended up fostering fornearly 10 years, helping about
(04:25):
15 children and ended upadopting two who were actually
babies when they came to us.
And so now, our family nowincludes, our son, Raphael, who
is seven, who came to us and hewas six months old and Joseph,
who was four and came to us atfour months old.
So we've got ages four to nowHaley's 26.
So, that's how we got started.
(04:46):
It's all because of Adam.
And ironically, when we werepursuing this, I searched Adam
because I do know his last name.
I searched him and I didn't findvery good results.
I found that he had spent sometime in jail, but I also
located, that his stepfather wasa city official.
and I reached out to him and Iemailed him and I told him what
(05:09):
we were doing.
I sent him the picture of Adamand me, and I told him that Adam
was the inspiration for thiswork, and he wrote me back.
And he was very appreciative ofthat, and he said Adam was doing
much better.
And he was going to share that,Story with Adam.
So, it was kind of a full circlemoment for me, for sure.
Peggy Griffith (05:29):
Oh, wow.
I, and I love that.
There was an initial callingthat kind of stayed with you and
it never went away.
You felt the need to carry thatforward and have family
discussions with your Children.
How did they initially reactwhen you sat them down and
(05:49):
talked about this?
Carrie Sgarlata (05:51):
super on board.
Very excited.
All in.
Couldn't wait to help.
Once we were licensed and we gotthat first phone call, they were
all standing around the kitchencounter saying say yes, say yes,
say yes.
And we actually couldn't say yesto that first placement due to,
his school placement was reallytoo far away from our home.
And so it was going to be justlogistically difficult to get
(06:12):
that child to school.
But, we could not have done thiswork over the last.
9 to 10 years as well withoutthem.
So they have been huge,supporters, contributors,
selfless.
This is not easy work.
the Children that came into ourhome and the Children that go
into other foster homes, mosthave trauma and it causes can it
(06:36):
does and it can cause greatdisruption into a family
structure that's fairly stableand our household was pretty
structured.
our kids knew our expectations.
We ran a tight ship and then youhave a child come that hasn't
been raised the same way thatour Children have.
And, maybe as a child that hadcame from a difficult pregnancy
(06:58):
or the mom use drugs during thepregnancy or the mom didn't have
prenatal care.
We know that generational traumadoes pass down from body to body
through the womb.
A baby can feel thatgenerational trauma in their
system and in their DNA.
And so that comes with thatchild and that's part of who
they are.
(07:18):
And so you're dealing with a lotof, nature that I always thought
I can change that and realizedactually I can't, and then sadly
to say for many of the kids thatcame into our home, a lack of
nurture.
Oftentimes the biggest reasonchildren come into foster care
is because of neglect.
Many people think it's abuse,but it's actually neglect.
(07:41):
So they haven't had those deepconnections.
They haven't been held and lovedand given that positive
reinforcement and encouragementthat really shapes our brain to
believe good about ourselves.
And so, You're you're fightingagainst a lot of things when
they come into your home andtrying to love them like they're
your own child and oftentimesthey don't respond to a time out
(08:04):
the same way that, neurotypicalchild would respond.
It's a big learning curve, biglearning curve for sure.
Peggy Griffith (08:12):
Sure.
That's fascinating.
Can you walk us through your 1stfostering experience when the
phone rang and you were able tosay yes.
Carrie Sgarlata (08:21):
Yes.
I remember it.
Well, actually this was preCOVID.
So, when you are licensed as afoster parent, you have an
initial intake process wherethey ask you every single
question, every single financialrecord, your background as a
child, all of those things.
So it's anywhere from a three tosix month process to get
licensed.
And then, your first two years,you need to complete 30 hours of
(08:44):
training.
In addition to a couple othercourses.
And so, this was fall.
I remember it was October 14th,the exact date.
And we were actually at theChildren's Community Center
because we were licensed throughChildren's Hospital in
Milwaukee, and we were there fora partnership parenting class.
And the idea behind this isthat, you would really try to
(09:05):
work well with the biologicalparent and partner parent during
that time that their child wasin care to build good
relationships and to make thatchild understand that you are
simply there to serve.
You are not there to take thischild away or make the child
choose between you or theparent.
And so it's this class.
I actually teach it now,ironically, but it's how can we
(09:27):
work together?
And so my husband Nick and Iwere sitting there and, a call
had already come in prior to usgetting there for a family of
eight Children.
That needed to be placed and noone can take eight children.
It's very hard to place even twoor three children from a sibling
set, let alone eight.
(09:47):
And, we had learned that thechildren were actually in the
office there.
It was a pretty, serious removalthat involved the, police
department.
They basically came to us andsaid, we've got a four year old,
a five year old, a six year old,a seven year old.
Who do you want?
And so we said, we'll take thefour year old.
(10:08):
And so, we sat through the restof the class and then we walked
down the hall and we met thislittle guy who clearly was
probably scared, from what I hadheard, the removal was very,
very scary and, dad fought it.
And so we took him to McDonald'sand got some drive thru and then
brought him home, and that wasour first placement.
(10:29):
He stayed with us from Octoberto July.
Ironically, in foster care, whena child is placed into care, the
parent knows where they are.
They get a court document thathas your address on it.
They know the location of theirchild as they should.
However, in very extremesituations, a judge may decide
to make a case undisclosed,which means the parent or
(10:53):
something about that family isnot safe, that they don't want
the parent to know where theirchild is.
Here we are partnershipparenting class on how to get
along.
And then we find out this is anundisclosed case.
So we did not get to partnerparent with this set of parents
at all because dad was not avery safe man.
I'm very proud to say in that 10months of time, and we knew he
(11:17):
would go home because eventhough it was a very
dysfunctional family, this childvery much knew that that was his
family.
Um, they had a connection, theyhad a bond, in that time.
Our placement, our child was theonly child that remained in our
home the entire 10 months.
Every other child from thatfamily moved due to various
(11:38):
situations.
And so I know that this child'sparents recognized that we were,
a safe and loving option fortheir child.
And in May, mom asked to meetme.
That was the first time I eversaw or met a parent.
And so mom and I met at thecourthouse and it was lovely and
(11:58):
she was so grateful.
she gave me a huge hug.
We laughed, we cried.
She told me some things aboutthis little guy that I didn't
know.
and she had always said, I willnever keep him from you.
And when he ended up going home,there was some legal things
going on.
It was in July and we knew thatthere was a court case.
The court hearing started onMonday was going to be done on
(12:19):
Friday.
And the case management teamsaid, be prepared.
He's probably going to go homeon Friday.
He's probably just going to go.
Well, on Tuesday, they called usat three o'clock and said, the
judge just threw the case out.
You better get him here to theoffice in 45 minutes, pack up
all his stuff.
He's going home.
And that was it.
And it was over.
And we said goodbye with lots oftears.
(12:40):
We knew it was coming, but wedidn't know it was coming that
fast.
Mom tried to let me see him, andit just it ended up not being
very safe for her to facilitatethat relationship with me.
And we've never seen him since.
We look back on him now on thatlittle guy, and he was so easy
compared to some of the otherkids we've had.
He was so easy.
(13:01):
And when my husband and Haleywent to pick him up from daycare
on that Tuesday, and they got inthe car and Nick said to him,
you're going home today.
And he goes, Thank God.
That was his first reaction.
He couldn't wait to get home.
So, that's the thing you have toappreciate as a foster parent
that while that child might dowell in your home and might I
(13:21):
think you're great and love you,you're not home.
And so you have to remember whatyour role is as a foster parent.
Peggy Griffith (13:28):
And it sounds amazing that this young boy of
age four was wise enough tounderstand the difference in
your role and his biologicalfamily.
What support systems helped youthrough this?
(13:50):
through this situation,
Carrie Sgarlata (13:52):
Yeah.
It was a very difficult goodbye.
I found myself keeping mysunglasses on when I'd go into
stores because the music wouldbe on and then it would make me
all sad but first and foremost,our faith, absolutely our faith.
Like.
All of this is driven from thatplace because fostering is
incredibly difficult and mostpeople can't do this work and it
(14:15):
is work.
I believe it is total service ofwhat God expects us to do to
take care of others.
Because at the end of the day,it is so selfless.
And so, we rely on God.
We rely on our church communityfor sure.
Our church has been sosupportive of every child we
have brought through thosedoors.
(14:35):
Our community of fellow fosterand adoptive parents that we've
gotten to know over the last,you know, 10 years.
And really just like our nuclearfamily, we only can fully
understand what we've beenthrough and it's really hard to
explain to people.
you grieve a child in a way thatlike they're still alive,
(14:56):
they're gone.
And so our charge as fosterparents is to love a child like
your own, like they're your ownchild, but be ready to say
goodbye to them at a moment'snotice and then figure out how
you feel about that.
Deal with your feelings and justbuck up and be brave.
And so a lot of foster parentswill say, you know, we shed a
lot of tears for these kids andthose kids deserve those tears
(15:18):
and they're worthy of that andthey are.
and our longest placement, isone that we've adopted that was
Raphael and our shortestplacement was nine hours.
Nine hours he was with us andthen was they found his parents
and he was lost in a park andthen he was taken back to his
family.
So you have to be prepared to beready for anything.
(15:39):
I could tell you stories Peggythat you wouldn't even believe,
like, I can't even make them upsome of the things that have
happened.
So it's just, your eyes areopened.
to a lot and a lot of pain thatthese families are suffering.
When I teach that partnerparenting class now, I talk a
lot about how our family hasreally lowered our judgment
(16:01):
levels of others, how theability to show grace and
compassion, which is what Godasks us to do.
I changed my opinions about alot of things like.
I know these people love theirChildren.
They don't know how to care forthem in a healthy way.
Many of the parents that we haveworked with over the last 10
(16:24):
years were foster Childrenthemselves.
So again, the cycle continues.
Peggy Griffith (16:32):
the generational aspect of coming up through this
system.
Carrie Sgarlata (16:37):
Yep.
Yep.
Peggy Griffith (16:39):
as you look back, because I hear you saying
like, oh, there's some storiesthat I could tell.
Um, as you look back, is there aspecific story that just hits
your heart and maybe even aspecific story where you knew
God's presence was at play?
Carrie Sgarlata (16:57):
There's a couple.
I think about Joseph first.
There's two that come to mindimmediately.
Joseph, came to us in a reallyunique way.
It was during COVID.
He was born March 6, 2020.
And I had a family that we knewin foster land, and they're In
their late 60s, 70s, they hadadopted two from care and the
woman had said, we're done,we're done, we're getting too
(17:19):
old for this.
And, I'd heard through Maddie,my daughter, who was doing some
work in an elementary school.
Hey, did you know that so andso, they just took placement of
a baby.
And so I reached out to thisfriend and I said, what are you
doing?
And Maddie said, you took ababy.
You said you weren't.
doing this anymore.
You're done.
And she said, well, no one wouldtake him.
He needed to come home from thehospital.
(17:41):
And we said we'd help for sixweeks because with babies, you
can't, take newborns to daycareuntil they're seven weeks old.
So that's hard for fosterparents because they can't just
quit their jobs for that.
So you need to kind of have someresources in place.
So this friend had said, we saidwe'd keep them for six weeks.
And she said, and guess what,Carrie, he needs to be adopted.
(18:02):
And I'm like, Oh, okay, I'm not,we're not doing this.
I'm 48 years old.
I'm too old.
We're done.
We're done.
And then she sent me somepictures and then she said, his
name is Joseph.
And, that is my grandfather'sname.
And that is what I was supposedto be named if I was a little
boy.
And so I was like, okay, God,what are you doing here?
And we met Joseph and we talkeda lot about the role of that
(18:26):
child in our family, andespecially like for Rafi with
Haley, Maddie and Gunnar, ouroldest.
They understand their place inthe family.
They know they're not goinganywhere.
They know that that's not avulnerable relationship.
With Rafi, we started to worryabout can we keep fostering and
we don't want to foster biggerkids that could influence him.
So should Rafi be the bigbrother?
(18:48):
And so we thought, I don't know,God's presenting this
opportunity and we thought aboutit.
And obviously we made thedecision to do it.
Um, another one comes to mindand he's always the one that I
say kind of got away.
I was very good in the beginningabout keeping my head and my
heart balanced.
Like I really knew our role.
Like I never crossed the line oflike, Is this child like if we
(19:11):
had an opportunity to adopt, wewould, but we weren't going to
force it.
And this little guy came to usin January.
He was our third or fourthplacement.
We got a call in the middle ofthe night.
Most of our calls were in themiddle of the night call about 1
a.
m.
And the placement worker fromChildren's said, Carrie, just
wake up a minute.
And I said, Okay.
(19:32):
And she said, I have a four yearold boy here who needs
placement.
His two year old brother justdied today of an opiate
overdose.
And I said, Okay, bring himover.
And that was a Thursday into aFriday.
And, when a child is in care orcomes into care, a judge has to
decide within 48 hours if theremoval was legitimate.
(19:54):
And since it was the weekend,that was going to have to take
place on Monday.
And they said, we've tried tocall family.
We've tried to call hisbiological dad.
No one's answering.
Mom is in jail.
Plan on having him for a while.
And we also knew that his otherolder siblings had already been
adopted and mom was trying tostart over with the second
family and obviously wasstruggling.
(20:17):
And so I thought, Oh my gosh,this is the one like mom's
incarcerated.
They can't find dad.
Like this might be the one weadopt.
And on Monday.
You go to court and I had takenhim to the doctor because you
have to do that.
And then I found out from thecase manager that they found
biological dad and he showed upand he wanted his son and he
(20:38):
should, he should want his son,but yet he wasn't involved in
this child's life.
So he was going to have to worktowards it.
So for about six months, wehelped that transition, but mom
wrote to me often from jail andshe asked us to be his legal
guardian and we wanted nothingmore to be.
(21:00):
But the court said we have abiological parent that is
stepping up and should step upthere.
There's no way you don't have achance at all.
So that was a really tough one.
And yet I knew for that childand for the long haul of his
life for him to be with abiological parent, given all
that he's going to have toprocess as a child who witnessed
(21:22):
a very traumatic event, beingsurrounded by his family.
how often his mom reached out tome and asked me to be there for
him, just, I really felt wasvery moving.
And, I remember telling her,your little guy's telling me he
really likes deviled eggs.
(21:43):
And I said, I can't standdeviled eggs.
I've never made a deviled egg inmy life.
And so I said, can you shareyour recipe and she wrote back
to me and she said, all right,here's the recipe, but don't
tell anyone it's a secret magicrecipe.
And so I made deviled eggs forhim and I can't stand it, but I
still have those letters in, afile from her.
And, those moments stick withyou for sure.
(22:05):
And I've never seen him since,never seen him since.
And, the reunifications whenthey feel good are.
Rewarding and, we had a littleguy for a month one time and I
knew he was in the process ofreunifying for dad and we met
with dad and we met at theoffice at children's and I went
to give him a handshake when hewas picking up his son and he
just came in and gave me thebiggest hug.
(22:27):
He's like, no handshake here andjust, huge bear hug and thank
you for everything you did formy child.
And, so, you know, you've donewhat you're supposed to do.
Peggy Griffith (22:37):
Tell me about, sometimes the situation where
the story doesn't end the way inwhich you'd hoped,
Carrie Sgarlata (22:44):
Right.
So we have a situation, with aspecial friend that has been
with us three separate timesover the last six years.
And we've done our best to helphim and have him here and give
him all the support he needs.
And it just hasn't worked forvarious reasons.
And, It's been really tough.
(23:05):
It's been probably my biggest,faith challenge with God.
I struggle because some peoplein the foster world, there are
some people I follow on Facebookthat are foster parents that
are, their faith is, um, it'svery much like I will do
(23:25):
whatever you need Lord.
And yet I see familiescrumbling.
from some of the children theyhave adopted because the mental
health needs are so great andpeople are getting divorced
because of children they'veadopted families are living in
separate places to keep otherfamily members safe.
And I don't believe that's whatGod would want, really,
(23:46):
honestly, and yet what do we doto help these children that have
no one or are in such despair.
And so we've had to make somereally tough decisions that I
know that we've done the rightthing for certain people that we
love, and then sometimes itfeels all wrong for other people
that we love, and I question Godfrom the standpoint that these
(24:12):
are children.
And I don't think any childshould have to experience the
hurt and loneliness that some ofthese kids in foster care have
experienced.
I know that many adultsexperience that.
But for me, with my teacherheart, it's just different when
it's a child.
It's just not how it's supposedto go.
(24:33):
It's not, it's just not fairand, children aren't quite old
enough to understand how theycan try to, you know, pull up
their bootstraps and get out ofthis really difficult situation.
Can I have it, you know, make mewho I am, or can I have it drag
me down?
And they don't have thewherewithal to do that.
A lot of adults don't have thewherewithal
Peggy Griffith (24:53):
right?
Or even the means.
Carrie Sgarlata (24:55):
Exactly.
Yeah.
And what are my resources andwho do I talk to and how do I
have self control so I don'thurt people that I know are
trying to help me and children'sbrains are still developing and
then you put trauma on top of itand it's just a, recipe for an
explosion.
And so I still struggle.
(25:15):
I have a little plaque on mykitchen counter that says pray,
wait, trust, or pray, trust,wait, and I pray for that child
every day.
I know that there's purpose inour life for him.
I know that we are meant to beconnected in some capacity.
I don't believe that God putspeople in your world by
(25:36):
accident.
but I am having a hard timewaiting to see where that goes.
And, we have the support of ourfamily to be able to carry us
through that grief.
And yet that little boy that welove so desperately is facing so
much of this alone.
And that's what just is, it'spainful.
(25:57):
It's painful.
And it's a lot of people willdescribe this as a really
impossible situation that we'vebeen in the last several years
with this kid.
And then people say thesecomments like, well, if the
Sgarlatas can't do it, who can?
And it's like, you know, it's acompliment and yet you feel this
awesome responsibility for theselittle people.
And then you still think aboutthe people and the children that
we do have in our home that wehave to care about and we have
(26:20):
to love.
And our two little ones comefrom hard places and they need
lots of attention.
And so you have to make sure yourecognize your capacity.
And I think that's really hardfor some foster parents.
They keep saying yes, yes, yes.
And then all of a sudden thebalance of the family is really,
off.
And so most foster parents don'tmake this more than a year.
(26:40):
They don't stay licensed morethan a year.
Peggy Griffith (26:44):
That is astounding to hear that.
And I think it people who are intough situations, whether it's a
situation like what you'respeaking of a medical situation,
or you lose a job waiting forthis to come full circle where
you understand how it's allfitting together is.
(27:06):
Excruciating and your pain, Ithink, is what represents that
alignment with Jesus heart forlove and justice and protection
of Children, and it doesn't makeit any better, but it doesn't
(27:28):
make it suck any less
Carrie Sgarlata (27:31):
Yeah.
You're right.
Peggy Griffith (27:32):
for lack of a better way to say it.
It still
Carrie Sgarlata (27:34):
Yeah.
It does.
It does.
Peggy Griffith (27:37):
but.
That understanding and waitingfor that full picture to come
into view, is a tough one.
And man, we pray for you forthat to come into fruition, you
talked a little bit about thetransition from fostering to
adoption.
Did you know going into this orthink going into this that you
(27:57):
would end up.
Adopting two Children
Carrie Sgarlata (28:01):
No, it's just going to be one only one.
If we adopted is going to beone.
and we were only going to fosterone at a time.
And then after Rafi came to usat 6 months old in March.
And again, that was through afriend that we knew who asked us
if we would take him because sheonly had him for a short time
and then in that fall of 2018,we thought, hey, it's kind of
(28:28):
quiet around here.
Like, could we foster another 1?
I mean, like, we could probablyget on the list again.
And then that's when this littlespecial guy came to us that I
was telling you about that'sbeen with us for.
on and off for six years.
and, and then he had left us andthen Joseph came to us in July
of 2020.
And then, we kept, we had tokeep our license open because we
(28:49):
had them.
but then, Rafi was adopted thefollowing May of 2021, and then
Joseph was June of 2021, andthey're not biologically
related.
and we kept our license open.
For that one specific child I'vebeen talking about, but not to
take anybody else.
we have always said to theagency, we'll take a kid for a
night if you can't findplacement, but we knew that we
(29:10):
had our hands full and needed togive our attention to Joseph and
Rafi.
but no, we were only going toadopt one.
We were only going to fosterone.
And remember what I said at thebeginning, we were never going
to take babies.
That was not in the plan.
And that obviously isn't God'splan.
Peggy Griffith (29:24):
What advice would you give to families
considering fostering oradoption right now?
Carrie Sgarlata (29:31):
first of all, I would say thank you for
considering it.
There is a desperate need.
You had shared some of thosestatistics in the beginning.
I do know just because of whatmy husband does as the executive
director to a nonprofit that'shelping kids aging out, the
number is closer to 400, 000 nownationwide of kids in care.
Um, there's about 7, 000 in thestate of Wisconsin, about 2, 000
(29:53):
in the, in Milwaukee Countyalone.
So, as I had mentioned to you,Many people will get a license
and then they'll close it withina year because they just can't
do it.
many people will get a licenseand they'll, take placement and
then that will turn into anadoption.
And then they close theirlicense because they adopted and
they don't want to do itanymore.
So if you're making it that farthat you're going to an
informational meeting and you'reconsidering it, I want to say
(30:14):
thank you.
Um, a couple things, make surethat whoever you're doing that
with, if it's you alone.
Make sure you have a supportsystem.
And if you have a partner withyou, make sure you're on the
same page because it is thehardest thing we've ever done.
And you really have to bealigned as a couple that you
both wanted to do this becauseyou can't pit it against the
(30:35):
other person when the child isreally struggling.
Well, you wanted to do this andI didn't, that's not okay.
That doesn't help the child atall.
So make sure that you're reallygrounded in your relationship
and that this is something youagree upon and what are your non
negotiables in terms of whatchild would you accept?
What behaviors are you willingto deal with?
And then also remembering thatyou've got to keep your head and
(30:56):
your heart in balance.
You've got to keep that boundarythere.
This is an act of service.
It is not an act of saving.
So many children will come intoyour home and need you for a
short period of time until theirfamily can heal.
And you might not like thestandard of the healing, but if
it's good enough, they're goinghome.
(31:18):
And so you can't be judgmental.
You control nothing in thissituation.
Nothing.
You have no rights as a fosterparent.
Really.
you can't hire a lawyer to tryto adopt this child.
So if your goal is to go into itto adopt, you will adopt at some
point, but it may not be thechild that you think it was
going to be.
And, you have to be patient,flexible, compassionate.
(31:42):
Lower your judgment, lower yourexpectations, and there's a lot
of joy in this too.
There's a lot of beauty.
I describe it as beautiful andbroken at the same time.
And you know, no child should betaken from his or her family.
Especially their mommy, it'sjust, that's just not how it
should be.
But unfortunately there'sbrokenness in our world.
(32:03):
And then there's people that arewilling to step in and provide a
service.
And we need more, we need waymore foster parents there.
There's just not enough.
There's a lot of kids sleepingin the office waiting for, for
placements.
It's very difficult.
Peggy Griffith (32:20):
Thank you.
And I don't think there is abetter way to sum it up than
what you just said.
Beautiful and broken.
Carrie Sgarlata (32:27):
Yes.
Peggy Griffith (32:29):
Thank you so much, Carrie, for sharing your
story with us.
Carrie Sgarlata (32:33):
My pleasure.
Peggy Griffith (32:34):
And to our listeners, I'll be posting some
links in the show notes for moreinformation on the statistics I
shared.
and also maybe reference some,links and information to learn a
little bit more about fostercare and adoption.
And.
Thank you for tuning in today.
and if you haven't done soalready click that subscribe
button, wherever you listen toyour podcasts, so you won't miss
(32:56):
next week's gospel story.
And you can also follow nextdoor gospel on Facebook and
Instagram.
And if you or someone, you know,would like to share your story
on the show, please send me anemail at next door gospel at
gmail.
com and until then.
May the Lord bless you and keepyou.
May the Lord make his face toshine upon you and be gracious
(33:19):
to you.
The Lord turn his face towardsyou and give you peace forever
and always.
Amen.
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