February 28, 2025 • 23 mins
KEEPING KIDS SAFE ONLINE
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to the Next Talk podcast.
We are a nonprofit passionateabout keeping kids safe online.
We're learning together how tonavigate tech, culture and faith
with our kids.
We received an anonymousquestion over the weekend and it
looks like mom sent us a textthrough Apple Podcasts.
Now we have that option turnedon for our podcast, so a lot of
(00:23):
the different platforms.
You'll see a little link whereyou can say send us a message or
text us a message, and I thinkthat's what mom did in this
situation.
When you do that, thosemessages come directly to me and
I read all of the ones that weget, but it's anonymous, so I
don't know who you are and Ican't get a hold of you.
(00:47):
And this message really caughtme off guard and it was
extremely important.
It has not been the first timethat I've been asked this
question, even younger thanseven years old, and honestly, I
wanted so badly to get on thephone with mom and ask more
questions, make sure the adviceand the information that I was
giving her was most helpful tothat specific situation, and I
(01:10):
also wanted to pray andencourage her.
But I can't do that because Idon't know who she is.
So I've really thought aboutthis and I'm going to do this
podcast about it.
There's a couple reasons whyI'm doing this podcast.
One is I want to reach thisfamily and I want to talk to the
mom directly and, mom, if youare listening, I'm going to act
like I'm kind of just talking onthe phone with you, so I hope
(01:32):
that's okay.
The other thing is I know thishas happened before and I've
been asked about it, and so Ihonestly want a podcast out
there as a resource for familiesthat if this happens and
they're afraid to contact us orthey don't want anyone else to
know their names which I getthat this is available to you.
(01:53):
So, first of all, I do want tosay I'm not going to screenshot
or read the exact question,because there were some other
details there and I'm trying tomaintain privacy.
Even though it's anonymous, itjust feels kind of like an
invasion of privacy to share ascreenshot or something like
that.
I am going to give you thiscontext because I think it's
(02:16):
just important and necessary forthe conversation.
So we have two seven-year-oldbuddies both boys and parents
have found out that they'rekissing each other's private
parts.
One of the kids said something,so that is.
I know that doesn't feel like awin, but it's actually a huge,
(02:39):
huge win that you didn't walk inon this.
One of the kids is like wait aminute, I don't something's off
here.
So that is amazing that one ofthe kids spoke up.
So that's first of all.
The other thing is I want tospeak directly to mom, who
(03:01):
contacted me first.
Here's what I want to tell youyou are so brave, I'm so proud
of you, and I say this becausesometimes, when we find out our
kids are doing something andwe're like, oh my gosh, they
shouldn't be doing that, orthey're too young for that, or
whatever runs through our mind,their innocence is being stolen.
We sometimes have a tendency tobrush it under the rug or
(03:23):
downplay it.
And, mom, you're not doing that.
You had the conversation withyour kid and you're talking
through it.
But you also were like I needto reach out for help because am
I missing something here?
Like what else do I need to do?
And that you are the best mom.
Thank you for not sweeping thisunder the rug.
Thank you for bringing it intothe light.
(03:44):
That's what we always want todo.
That's our mission at Next Talk, right, and so I'm just so
proud of you.
First of all, by talking aboutthings like this, this is how we
prevent abuse and consentissues and boundaries.
This is how we prevent thatfrom happening in the future.
So it's about education andawareness raising awareness.
(04:05):
Some people are still in thefuture.
So it's about education andawareness raising awareness.
Some people are still in thedark and they think this does
not happen with seven-year-olds,and that is absolutely false.
It's just extremely important,now that I'm getting more and
more of these questions likethis, that we bring it into the
light and talk about it on abigger scale.
(04:25):
Before I go into my practicaltalking points that I have for
you, mom, I do want to say Ireached out to some licensed
professional counselors who areon our advisory council.
I did that because one I wantedto make sure I wasn't missing
any piece of information that Ineeded to pass on to you.
(04:47):
I wanted to make sure I wasgetting this right, and my
advice is coming from my decadelong of experience working in
this space and working withfamilies just things I've
learned over the years that kidsare seeing and doing.
That, combined with the mentalhealth expert, is just a really
the intersection of where ournonprofit meets and it's super
(05:10):
beneficial, I think, for parentsto make sure they're getting
good, accurate, helpfulinformation in situations like
these.
So, mom, as far as thepractical stuff, if there is one
thing that I want you to focuson in talking to your kid about
this, it is this.
(05:31):
And you can rephrase thisquestion.
You can say it in your ownwords or how you think your kid
would respond, but it is this.
This is very important.
Where did you get the idea tokiss a penis?
What made you think of that?
Again, you can rephrase it, youcan say it however you want,
(05:52):
but this is very important.
And I want to tell yousomething when you ask this
question, this is not a lecture,this is not accusatory, this is
not shameful.
This is a calm, logicalconversation.
I'm even going to add please bedoing an activity where you
(06:13):
don't have to look him in theeye, because I think he will be
more honest with you.
So, for example, you know,deuteronomy 6, 6 and 7 says talk
when your kids are going to bed.
So crawl in bed with your kid,scratch his back, the lights are
out and you're just talking toyour kid.
Hey, I'm, I want to check in onyou I know it's been a lot
(06:33):
these last couple of weeks withthis happening and let him
answer and, you know, see wherehe is and if he's in a talkative
mood and he's opening up, thenit goes into.
You know, what gave you thatidea to kiss a penis?
Have you seen that in a movie,maybe before, or where did you
see that?
A question because we want toknow what was in his little mind
(06:56):
when he was thinking that thatwas okay.
Now, mom, I'm giving youinformation and practical tools
to talk about with your son.
Okay, I want to step out ofthat for a minute and I want you
and I to have a conversationabout why this question is so
important.
Okay, this is not informationthat you're going to give to
(07:17):
your son, but I want you tounderstand why this context is
so important, because I reallywant you to dig into the root of
what happens here.
I'm just going to be reallyhonest with you and I would tell
you this if I were on the phonewith you.
Okay, this is mom to mom, fromall the families who have helped
(07:40):
over the last decade.
I think three things have mayhave happened here in the
background to lead up to this.
Okay, these are.
These are the three things thatare most likely to have
occurred, and I'm going to doone in two, first, because I
think they're most most likelyto have occurred.
And I'm going to do one and twofirst because I think they're
most most likely to haveoccurred.
(08:00):
One is your kid or the otherkid saw pornography.
If I had to bet, this is ahundred percent what happened,
but I don't know, okay.
So the other thing is your kidor the other kid may not have
seen porn, but another kid did,and they told them.
They told your boys about it.
(08:22):
So your, your son and hisfriend, about what they this
other kid had seen on a screen.
Okay, this is a very likelyscenario.
This one, your kid or the otherkid, saw porn too.
They were told about porn byanother kid.
These two scenarios are mostlikely.
What happened in this situation?
(08:43):
And now they're acting out thatidea that pornography put in
their minds.
If I had to bet, this isexactly what happened, okay.
Now I'm going to give you athird option that is going to
sound scary to you, but it'simportant that you are aware,
right, because we have to beaware.
We can't be afraid.
We can't parent what we don'tknow.
(09:04):
The third thing is I'mconcerned that maybe somebody
else has inappropriately touchedyour son or the other buddy and
we just need to make surethere's no abuse happening.
Now you're not going to you,don't, don't again.
This is you and me talking.
This is not you talking to yourson.
This is you and me, mom to mom.
(09:26):
When you're talking to your son, it's very calm, logical,
open-ended.
You know just where did you getthe idea?
Did you see this in a movie?
You know what made you think todo this.
That's all you're going tocommunicate to your son, but I
am telling you the reasons whythis question is so important to
(09:46):
ask your son.
Okay, I'm giving you the insiderinformation, mom to mom, about
why we want to ask this questionand dig into the, why we have
to get to the root of whatcaused this, because that is
going to be the real preventionpiece in all of this, and we
don't want this particularsituation to impact how he is
(10:11):
going to view his sex or hissexuality in the future.
We don't want this to bedefining something for him, and
so it's very important that wepush into this space and have
some conversations.
Now, when I reached out to ourcounselors, one of them gave me
great advice and I actually wantto read it to you, and I asked
(10:32):
her if I could because it was sogood.
I don't want to butcher it.
Here's what she said you alwayswant to create the healthiest,
most repairing narrative aroundthe situation, because that is
what they will carry movingforward and it also protects
them from shame.
So whatever narrative that isin your kid's brain right now
(10:56):
through this conversation andexperience, is what they're
going to move forward with, andwe need to make sure that is
healthy and positive and notshaming.
That is so, so important.
Another tip from a counselorAlso.
Maybe you want to say help meunderstand what kissing is.
Can you describe it to me?
(11:17):
Because we do need to gathermore context about what happened
and how far of a biologicalresponse the boys had in this
situation.
So I think that is extremelyimportant too, and you can use
words like help me understand.
So I think that is extremelyimportant too, and you can use
words like help me understand.
What we're getting there isjust help me define what you
(11:40):
mean when you say kissing.
So that's important too.
Now there's a couple things thatI want to remind you of as
you're having theseconversations with your son.
One of our other counselorsreminded me of this, how
important this is.
We say this all the time, but Ijust want to make sure you've
got to avoid crazy parent mode.
(12:00):
So if your kid starts openingup to you and sharing details
about maybe a biologicalresponse that may have happened
in reaction to the kissing,response that may have happened
in reaction to the kissing, Ineed you to stay calm.
I need you to not yell at yourkid.
Your kid doesn't know.
Your kid doesn't know he'slearning about his body right
(12:20):
now.
He has no idea that this isright, wrong crossing about.
He doesn't know.
And so be very gentle with yourson.
Watch your facial expressions.
I know for me like I have toreally practice that I call it
the mom filter, like I just haveto stay calm and make sure my
(12:40):
face isn't saying a reactionthat I'm mad or upset or
anything like that.
And so, again, this is helpfulif you're scratching his back at
night, because then he can'tsee your face, or you're driving
to practice and it's just heand you and you can talk and he
can't really see your reactionSpaces like that work really
well for the kid to open up, butfor you too to hide your maybe
(13:03):
facial expressions if you're badabout that.
The other thing is just loveyour kid unconditionally.
Like again, he's learning hedoesn't know, so don't shame him
, don't be accusatory, don't saythings like what were you
thinking?
And if you did say things likethat, if you're like well, I
already did that.
You know what I'm getting readyto say here.
(13:25):
If you followed, next, talk forany amount of time, circle back
and apologize.
I'm sorry that I said that toyou.
You know I'm upset that you'reliving in a world where this is
something you guys think about.
It just shouldn't be at sevenyears old.
But I'm not mad at you.
You were opening up to me andthen I just went ballistic and I
realized that is not the rightresponse and I shut down all
(13:48):
communication.
So you can circle back andapologize if you need to, but
we've got to get your kidtalking about what happened and
I know that's scary.
But I also know you're bravebecause you reached out and I
also know you don't want toshove it under the rug.
I am literally praying that Godwill take this curse and turn it
into a blessing for you.
For me, it was my kid gettingexposed to porn, and now I'm on
(14:12):
the other side of that and I seethat it changed our family
forever because it forced us totalk about things in the culture
that we were never talkingabout.
And so that's what I'm prayingfor you that God would take this
curse and turn it into ablessing.
In Deuteronomy it actually saysthat God will turn the intended
curse into a blessing becausehe loves you, so I want you to
(14:36):
hold on to that.
I know it feels like hisinnocence has been stolen and
you're never coming back fromthis and this is going to define
everything.
Stop.
God can take this curse andmake it into a blessing, but we
do have to walk in obedience andhave the hard conversations.
We do have to pour into thisand do hard work and talk to our
(15:00):
kids about it, okay.
The other thing is this asyou're having these
conversations with your kids, itis extremely important that you
are mom and you do not walkinto therapist row.
I highly recommend counselingfor your son.
Again, it's helping him shapethe narrative about what just
happened.
But you are mom, you are safeplace, you're understanding,
(15:23):
you're getting context, you'reloving, you're practical, but a
counselor will come in and helpreframe the narrative on what
the kid will take going forwardin the future, and I think this
is extremely important.
Now, if you are in Texas, wehave counselors on our advisory
council.
You can go to our website aboutteam, see who our advisor
(15:45):
councils are and contact them.
Okay, jamie Mershon was just onour podcast.
She talked about body image.
I would go listen to that show.
She has one segment in there,even though it was about body
image.
It would relate to this becauseit talks about a horse going
back and forth and about how thebrain develops a narrative on
what we tell ourselves over and,over and over again.
(16:07):
And this is exactly what we'retalking about.
We don't want to.
We don't want a weird orunhealthy narrative to form in
your kid's brain about what justhappened.
So that's why counseling isextremely important, and we're
not counselors I'm not acounselor so so we need, we need
to be mom and we need to letcounselors be counselors.
So for sure, do that.
(16:27):
Now I do want to say this If youare in San Antonio, the
surrounding areas, we have areduced fee counseling program
at our nonprofit.
You will have to contact us forthat.
So, on our website, go to gethelp, go to reduced fee
counseling and fill out thatform.
You can be very general, but weuse grant and donor dollars to
(16:52):
support this program, so we haveto just make sure that where
our dollars are going are to,you know, real kids who need
real counseling.
But that is open to you.
If you're like I can't affordcounseling, I want to just throw
that out there.
The other thing as you'retalking with your son, there
needs to be a lot of newconversations about boundaries
(17:13):
and consent and on this podcastI'm going to link those shows.
Those are all separate talkingpoints that need to be brought
into this conversation.
And so listen to those podcastsand again, make this part of
your daily routine.
The last thing, and anybodywho's listening right now and
you're like this has neverhappened in my home, but how do
I prevent it?
(17:33):
One, listen to the boundariesand consent show for sure, and
use those practical talkingpoints.
But the other thing is this useour red flag alert system.
So this is something Ideveloped in my own home with my
own children.
I didn't call it red flagalerts back then, but we've kind
of developed a resource whereit can be printable to you.
(17:56):
Let me tell you why this ishelpful In this situation.
One of the things on the listand these are we list out things
that kids need to report to us.
They're red flag reportingguidelines, and it just why we
call them red flags is ifsomething happens on this list,
we want a red flag to go off intheir brain that uh-oh, this is
(18:16):
something I need to tell mom ordad about.
So in this situation, one ofthe things on our red flag list
is anything about body parts orif you see anyone in a swimsuit
or less.
So those are two differentguidelines on our red flag alert
system that if the kid had beentold this since three years old
, then maybe maybe not always,it doesn't always, not a hundred
(18:39):
, but maybe the kid an alarmwould have gone off in their
brain Uh-oh, red flag alert, Ineed to go tell mom or dad.
So if you are listening to thispodcast and you're like this is
scary, I don't want this tohappen to my kid, then I am
begging you to implement the redflag reporting system in your
home today.
It's a free downloadable andI'm going to link it below as
(19:00):
well.
Last thing, and I'm going tolink it below as well Last thing
, mom, I want to say to youagain, and I want to reiterate,
thank you for reaching out toour show.
I know you were probablyhesitant because you didn't want
anyone to know who you are, andI hope that you're not upset
(19:21):
with me sharing this podcast,but I really prayed about it and
felt led that it would help somany people, and I think your
bravery is what initiated that.
So I truly believe, because youreached out and shared this
with me, that now I can shareyour story anonymously and
protect your family.
But we can help other familiestogether, and this is what Next
(19:41):
Talk is all about.
But I do.
If I were on the phone with youright now, what I would say is
can I pray with you?
And so I just want to do thatright now on the air.
I know it's kind of weird, butI would do it on the phone with
you and I can't talk to youdirectly, and so I want to do
that now.
Dear Lord, we love you so muchand I praise you and thank you
(20:08):
for this sweet family and thissweet little boy and his friend
and I just thank you so muchthat one of the boys reported
this and said oh, something'swe're doing this man.
What a win.
And I don't know if that wasyour conviction in that little
boy.
I don't know if that was justawareness or prevention pieces
(20:29):
that his parents have taught himLike I don't know.
But thank you, lord, forbringing it into the light and
thank you for this brave mom whoreached out who said this
happened.
Can you help?
I feel like I'm missing somemore deeper conversations here
happen.
Can you help?
I feel like I'm missing somemore deeper conversations here.
Dear Lord, I pray specificallyright now for these two little
(20:56):
boys.
I pray that you give themcourage to talk to their mom or
dad, to talk to a therapist.
Dear Lord, I pray that you takethis curse and you turn it into
a blessing for these boys, thatit's something they will look
back on as a learning experienceand something that drew them
(21:16):
closer to their parents, and Ijust pray that you use it for
good, because I know you can useit for good, because I know you
can.
We love you so much.
We thank you for your wisdom,dear Lord.
Thank you for your wisdom whenI don't know what to say.
You've given me the words tosay.
I pray this for these parentsright now that if they don't
(21:40):
know what to say or how tophrase a question or how to ask
it, I pray that you give themwisdom.
We love you and we thank you.
It's in Jesus' name I pray,amen.
Mom, I do want to say one morething to you, and I always say
this to the parents when I talkto them on the phone I am not
God and I do not know your son.
(22:02):
I do not know your familydynamic and I do not know your
son.
I do not know your familydynamic and I give you advice
and tools that I have learnedover the last decade and that
counselors have taught me, but Iwant you to watch the show,
listen to this show.
I want you to pray about it.
Lord, what is my next step withmy son?
Give me the wisdom and God isgoing to give you the words that
(22:27):
you need to say to your kidGuys we're always here for you
at Next Talk.
We're here to help you and comealongside of you.
You are not alone.
Speaker 2 (22:41):
Next Talk is a 501c3 nonprofit keeping kids safe
online.
To support our work, make adonation at nexttalkorg.
Next Talk resources are notintended to replace the advice
of a trained healthcare or legalprofessional, or to diagnose,
treat or otherwise render expertadvice regarding any type of
medical, psychological, legal,financial or other problem.
You are advised to consult aqualified expert for your
(23:01):
personal treatment plan.
Welcome to the Next Talk podcast.
We are a nonprofit passionateabout keeping kids safe online.
We're learning together how tonavigate tech, culture and faith
with our kids.
We received an anonymousquestion over the weekend and it
looks like mom sent us a textthrough Apple Podcasts.
Now we have that option turnedon for our podcast, so a lot of
(00:23):
the different platforms.
You'll see a little link whereyou can say send us a message or
text us a message, and I thinkthat's what mom did in this
situation.
When you do that, thosemessages come directly to me and
I read all of the ones that weget, but it's anonymous, so I
don't know who you are and Ican't get a hold of you.
(00:47):
And this message really caughtme off guard and it was
extremely important.
It has not been the first timethat I've been asked this
question, even younger thanseven years old, and honestly, I
wanted so badly to get on thephone with mom and ask more
questions, make sure the adviceand the information that I was
giving her was most helpful tothat specific situation, and I
(01:10):
also wanted to pray andencourage her.
But I can't do that because Idon't know who she is.
So I've really thought aboutthis and I'm going to do this
podcast about it.
There's a couple reasons whyI'm doing this podcast.
One is I want to reach thisfamily and I want to talk to the
mom directly and, mom, if youare listening, I'm going to act
like I'm kind of just talking onthe phone with you, so I hope
(01:32):
that's okay.
The other thing is I know thishas happened before and I've
been asked about it, and so Ihonestly want a podcast out
there as a resource for familiesthat if this happens and
they're afraid to contact us orthey don't want anyone else to
know their names which I getthat this is available to you.
(01:53):
So, first of all, I do want tosay I'm not going to screenshot
or read the exact question,because there were some other
details there and I'm trying tomaintain privacy.
Even though it's anonymous, itjust feels kind of like an
invasion of privacy to share ascreenshot or something like
that.
I am going to give you thiscontext because I think it's
(02:16):
just important and necessary forthe conversation.
So we have two seven-year-oldbuddies both boys and parents
have found out that they'rekissing each other's private
parts.
One of the kids said something,so that is.
I know that doesn't feel like awin, but it's actually a huge,
(02:39):
huge win that you didn't walk inon this.
One of the kids is like wait aminute, I don't something's off
here.
So that is amazing that one ofthe kids spoke up.
So that's first of all.
The other thing is I want tospeak directly to mom, who
(03:01):
contacted me first.
Here's what I want to tell youyou are so brave, I'm so proud
of you, and I say this becausesometimes, when we find out our
kids are doing something andwe're like, oh my gosh, they
shouldn't be doing that, orthey're too young for that, or
whatever runs through our mind,their innocence is being stolen.
We sometimes have a tendency tobrush it under the rug or
(03:23):
downplay it.
And, mom, you're not doing that.
You had the conversation withyour kid and you're talking
through it.
But you also were like I needto reach out for help because am
I missing something here?
Like what else do I need to do?
And that you are the best mom.
Thank you for not sweeping thisunder the rug.
Thank you for bringing it intothe light.
(03:44):
That's what we always want todo.
That's our mission at Next Talk, right, and so I'm just so
proud of you.
First of all, by talking aboutthings like this, this is how we
prevent abuse and consentissues and boundaries.
This is how we prevent thatfrom happening in the future.
So it's about education andawareness raising awareness.
(04:05):
Some people are still in thefuture.
So it's about education andawareness raising awareness.
Some people are still in thedark and they think this does
not happen with seven-year-olds,and that is absolutely false.
It's just extremely important,now that I'm getting more and
more of these questions likethis, that we bring it into the
light and talk about it on abigger scale.
(04:25):
Before I go into my practicaltalking points that I have for
you, mom, I do want to say Ireached out to some licensed
professional counselors who areon our advisory council.
I did that because one I wantedto make sure I wasn't missing
any piece of information that Ineeded to pass on to you.
(04:47):
I wanted to make sure I wasgetting this right, and my
advice is coming from my decadelong of experience working in
this space and working withfamilies just things I've
learned over the years that kidsare seeing and doing.
That, combined with the mentalhealth expert, is just a really
the intersection of where ournonprofit meets and it's super
(05:10):
beneficial, I think, for parentsto make sure they're getting
good, accurate, helpfulinformation in situations like
these.
So, mom, as far as thepractical stuff, if there is one
thing that I want you to focuson in talking to your kid about
this, it is this.
(05:31):
And you can rephrase thisquestion.
You can say it in your ownwords or how you think your kid
would respond, but it is this.
This is very important.
Where did you get the idea tokiss a penis?
What made you think of that?
Again, you can rephrase it, youcan say it however you want,
(05:52):
but this is very important.
And I want to tell yousomething when you ask this
question, this is not a lecture,this is not accusatory, this is
not shameful.
This is a calm, logicalconversation.
I'm even going to add please bedoing an activity where you
(06:13):
don't have to look him in theeye, because I think he will be
more honest with you.
So, for example, you know,deuteronomy 6, 6 and 7 says talk
when your kids are going to bed.
So crawl in bed with your kid,scratch his back, the lights are
out and you're just talking toyour kid.
Hey, I'm, I want to check in onyou I know it's been a lot
(06:33):
these last couple of weeks withthis happening and let him
answer and, you know, see wherehe is and if he's in a talkative
mood and he's opening up, thenit goes into.
You know, what gave you thatidea to kiss a penis?
Have you seen that in a movie,maybe before, or where did you
see that?
A question because we want toknow what was in his little mind
(06:56):
when he was thinking that thatwas okay.
Now, mom, I'm giving youinformation and practical tools
to talk about with your son.
Okay, I want to step out ofthat for a minute and I want you
and I to have a conversationabout why this question is so
important.
Okay, this is not informationthat you're going to give to
(07:17):
your son, but I want you tounderstand why this context is
so important, because I reallywant you to dig into the root of
what happens here.
I'm just going to be reallyhonest with you and I would tell
you this if I were on the phonewith you.
Okay, this is mom to mom, fromall the families who have helped
(07:40):
over the last decade.
I think three things have mayhave happened here in the
background to lead up to this.
Okay, these are.
These are the three things thatare most likely to have
occurred, and I'm going to doone in two, first, because I
think they're most most likelyto have occurred.
And I'm going to do one and twofirst because I think they're
most most likely to haveoccurred.
(08:00):
One is your kid or the otherkid saw pornography.
If I had to bet, this is ahundred percent what happened,
but I don't know, okay.
So the other thing is your kidor the other kid may not have
seen porn, but another kid did,and they told them.
They told your boys about it.
(08:22):
So your, your son and hisfriend, about what they this
other kid had seen on a screen.
Okay, this is a very likelyscenario.
This one, your kid or the otherkid, saw porn too.
They were told about porn byanother kid.
These two scenarios are mostlikely.
What happened in this situation?
(08:43):
And now they're acting out thatidea that pornography put in
their minds.
If I had to bet, this isexactly what happened, okay.
Now I'm going to give you athird option that is going to
sound scary to you, but it'simportant that you are aware,
right, because we have to beaware.
We can't be afraid.
We can't parent what we don'tknow.
(09:04):
The third thing is I'mconcerned that maybe somebody
else has inappropriately touchedyour son or the other buddy and
we just need to make surethere's no abuse happening.
Now you're not going to you,don't, don't again.
This is you and me talking.
This is not you talking to yourson.
This is you and me, mom to mom.
(09:26):
When you're talking to your son, it's very calm, logical,
open-ended.
You know just where did you getthe idea?
Did you see this in a movie?
You know what made you think todo this.
That's all you're going tocommunicate to your son, but I
am telling you the reasons whythis question is so important to
(09:46):
ask your son.
Okay, I'm giving you the insiderinformation, mom to mom, about
why we want to ask this questionand dig into the, why we have
to get to the root of whatcaused this, because that is
going to be the real preventionpiece in all of this, and we
don't want this particularsituation to impact how he is
(10:11):
going to view his sex or hissexuality in the future.
We don't want this to bedefining something for him, and
so it's very important that wepush into this space and have
some conversations.
Now, when I reached out to ourcounselors, one of them gave me
great advice and I actually wantto read it to you, and I asked
(10:32):
her if I could because it was sogood.
I don't want to butcher it.
Here's what she said you alwayswant to create the healthiest,
most repairing narrative aroundthe situation, because that is
what they will carry movingforward and it also protects
them from shame.
So whatever narrative that isin your kid's brain right now
(10:56):
through this conversation andexperience, is what they're
going to move forward with, andwe need to make sure that is
healthy and positive and notshaming.
That is so, so important.
Another tip from a counselorAlso.
Maybe you want to say help meunderstand what kissing is.
Can you describe it to me?
(11:17):
Because we do need to gathermore context about what happened
and how far of a biologicalresponse the boys had in this
situation.
So I think that is extremelyimportant too, and you can use
words like help me understand.
So I think that is extremelyimportant too, and you can use
words like help me understand.
What we're getting there isjust help me define what you
(11:40):
mean when you say kissing.
So that's important too.
Now there's a couple things thatI want to remind you of as
you're having theseconversations with your son.
One of our other counselorsreminded me of this, how
important this is.
We say this all the time, but Ijust want to make sure you've
got to avoid crazy parent mode.
(12:00):
So if your kid starts openingup to you and sharing details
about maybe a biologicalresponse that may have happened
in reaction to the kissing,response that may have happened
in reaction to the kissing, Ineed you to stay calm.
I need you to not yell at yourkid.
Your kid doesn't know.
Your kid doesn't know he'slearning about his body right
(12:20):
now.
He has no idea that this isright, wrong crossing about.
He doesn't know.
And so be very gentle with yourson.
Watch your facial expressions.
I know for me like I have toreally practice that I call it
the mom filter, like I just haveto stay calm and make sure my
(12:40):
face isn't saying a reactionthat I'm mad or upset or
anything like that.
And so, again, this is helpfulif you're scratching his back at
night, because then he can'tsee your face, or you're driving
to practice and it's just heand you and you can talk and he
can't really see your reactionSpaces like that work really
well for the kid to open up, butfor you too to hide your maybe
(13:03):
facial expressions if you're badabout that.
The other thing is just loveyour kid unconditionally.
Like again, he's learning hedoesn't know, so don't shame him
, don't be accusatory, don't saythings like what were you
thinking?
And if you did say things likethat, if you're like well, I
already did that.
You know what I'm getting readyto say here.
(13:25):
If you followed, next, talk forany amount of time, circle back
and apologize.
I'm sorry that I said that toyou.
You know I'm upset that you'reliving in a world where this is
something you guys think about.
It just shouldn't be at sevenyears old.
But I'm not mad at you.
You were opening up to me andthen I just went ballistic and I
realized that is not the rightresponse and I shut down all
(13:48):
communication.
So you can circle back andapologize if you need to, but
we've got to get your kidtalking about what happened and
I know that's scary.
But I also know you're bravebecause you reached out and I
also know you don't want toshove it under the rug.
I am literally praying that Godwill take this curse and turn it
into a blessing for you.
For me, it was my kid gettingexposed to porn, and now I'm on
(14:12):
the other side of that and I seethat it changed our family
forever because it forced us totalk about things in the culture
that we were never talkingabout.
And so that's what I'm prayingfor you that God would take this
curse and turn it into ablessing.
In Deuteronomy it actually saysthat God will turn the intended
curse into a blessing becausehe loves you, so I want you to
(14:36):
hold on to that.
I know it feels like hisinnocence has been stolen and
you're never coming back fromthis and this is going to define
everything.
Stop.
God can take this curse andmake it into a blessing, but we
do have to walk in obedience andhave the hard conversations.
We do have to pour into thisand do hard work and talk to our
(15:00):
kids about it, okay.
The other thing is this asyou're having these
conversations with your kids, itis extremely important that you
are mom and you do not walkinto therapist row.
I highly recommend counselingfor your son.
Again, it's helping him shapethe narrative about what just
happened.
But you are mom, you are safeplace, you're understanding,
(15:23):
you're getting context, you'reloving, you're practical, but a
counselor will come in and helpreframe the narrative on what
the kid will take going forwardin the future, and I think this
is extremely important.
Now, if you are in Texas, wehave counselors on our advisory
council.
You can go to our website aboutteam, see who our advisor
(15:45):
councils are and contact them.
Okay, jamie Mershon was just onour podcast.
She talked about body image.
I would go listen to that show.
She has one segment in there,even though it was about body
image.
It would relate to this becauseit talks about a horse going
back and forth and about how thebrain develops a narrative on
what we tell ourselves over and,over and over again.
(16:07):
And this is exactly what we'retalking about.
We don't want to.
We don't want a weird orunhealthy narrative to form in
your kid's brain about what justhappened.
So that's why counseling isextremely important, and we're
not counselors I'm not acounselor so so we need, we need
to be mom and we need to letcounselors be counselors.
So for sure, do that.
(16:27):
Now I do want to say this If youare in San Antonio, the
surrounding areas, we have areduced fee counseling program
at our nonprofit.
You will have to contact us forthat.
So, on our website, go to gethelp, go to reduced fee
counseling and fill out thatform.
You can be very general, but weuse grant and donor dollars to
(16:52):
support this program, so we haveto just make sure that where
our dollars are going are to,you know, real kids who need
real counseling.
But that is open to you.
If you're like I can't affordcounseling, I want to just throw
that out there.
The other thing as you'retalking with your son, there
needs to be a lot of newconversations about boundaries
(17:13):
and consent and on this podcastI'm going to link those shows.
Those are all separate talkingpoints that need to be brought
into this conversation.
And so listen to those podcastsand again, make this part of
your daily routine.
The last thing, and anybodywho's listening right now and
you're like this has neverhappened in my home, but how do
I prevent it?
(17:33):
One, listen to the boundariesand consent show for sure, and
use those practical talkingpoints.
But the other thing is this useour red flag alert system.
So this is something Ideveloped in my own home with my
own children.
I didn't call it red flagalerts back then, but we've kind
of developed a resource whereit can be printable to you.
(17:56):
Let me tell you why this ishelpful In this situation.
One of the things on the listand these are we list out things
that kids need to report to us.
They're red flag reportingguidelines, and it just why we
call them red flags is ifsomething happens on this list,
we want a red flag to go off intheir brain that uh-oh, this is
(18:16):
something I need to tell mom ordad about.
So in this situation, one ofthe things on our red flag list
is anything about body parts orif you see anyone in a swimsuit
or less.
So those are two differentguidelines on our red flag alert
system that if the kid had beentold this since three years old
, then maybe maybe not always,it doesn't always, not a hundred
(18:39):
, but maybe the kid an alarmwould have gone off in their
brain Uh-oh, red flag alert, Ineed to go tell mom or dad.
So if you are listening to thispodcast and you're like this is
scary, I don't want this tohappen to my kid, then I am
begging you to implement the redflag reporting system in your
home today.
It's a free downloadable andI'm going to link it below as
(19:00):
well.
Last thing, and I'm going tolink it below as well Last thing
, mom, I want to say to youagain, and I want to reiterate,
thank you for reaching out toour show.
I know you were probablyhesitant because you didn't want
anyone to know who you are, andI hope that you're not upset
(19:21):
with me sharing this podcast,but I really prayed about it and
felt led that it would help somany people, and I think your
bravery is what initiated that.
So I truly believe, because youreached out and shared this
with me, that now I can shareyour story anonymously and
protect your family.
But we can help other familiestogether, and this is what Next
(19:41):
Talk is all about.
But I do.
If I were on the phone with youright now, what I would say is
can I pray with you?
And so I just want to do thatright now on the air.
I know it's kind of weird, butI would do it on the phone with
you and I can't talk to youdirectly, and so I want to do
that now.
Dear Lord, we love you so muchand I praise you and thank you
(20:08):
for this sweet family and thissweet little boy and his friend
and I just thank you so muchthat one of the boys reported
this and said oh, something'swe're doing this man.
What a win.
And I don't know if that wasyour conviction in that little
boy.
I don't know if that was justawareness or prevention pieces
(20:29):
that his parents have taught himLike I don't know.
But thank you, lord, forbringing it into the light and
thank you for this brave mom whoreached out who said this
happened.
Can you help?
I feel like I'm missing somemore deeper conversations here
happen.
Can you help?
I feel like I'm missing somemore deeper conversations here.
Dear Lord, I pray specificallyright now for these two little
(20:56):
boys.
I pray that you give themcourage to talk to their mom or
dad, to talk to a therapist.
Dear Lord, I pray that you takethis curse and you turn it into
a blessing for these boys, thatit's something they will look
back on as a learning experienceand something that drew them
(21:16):
closer to their parents, and Ijust pray that you use it for
good, because I know you can useit for good, because I know you
can.
We love you so much.
We thank you for your wisdom,dear Lord.
Thank you for your wisdom whenI don't know what to say.
You've given me the words tosay.
I pray this for these parentsright now that if they don't
(21:40):
know what to say or how tophrase a question or how to ask
it, I pray that you give themwisdom.
We love you and we thank you.
It's in Jesus' name I pray,amen.
Mom, I do want to say one morething to you, and I always say
this to the parents when I talkto them on the phone I am not
God and I do not know your son.
(22:02):
I do not know your familydynamic and I do not know your
son.
I do not know your familydynamic and I give you advice
and tools that I have learnedover the last decade and that
counselors have taught me, but Iwant you to watch the show,
listen to this show.
I want you to pray about it.
Lord, what is my next step withmy son?
Give me the wisdom and God isgoing to give you the words that
(22:27):
you need to say to your kidGuys we're always here for you
at Next Talk.
We're here to help you and comealongside of you.
You are not alone.
Speaker 2 (22:41):
Next Talk is a 501c3 nonprofit keeping kids safe
online.
To support our work, make adonation at nexttalkorg.
Next Talk resources are notintended to replace the advice
of a trained healthcare or legalprofessional, or to diagnose,
treat or otherwise render expertadvice regarding any type of
medical, psychological, legal,financial or other problem.
You are advised to consult aqualified expert for your
(23:01):
personal treatment plan.
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