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October 7, 2025 • 32 mins

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What if your child trusted you more than the internet? We unpack how to become a genuine safe place for kids and lay out the daily choices that keep kids coming back to us with their biggest questions and hardest moments.

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KEEPING KIDS SAFE ONLINE

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Episode Transcript

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SPEAKER_01 (00:00):
Welcome to the Next Talk Podcast.
We are a nonprofit passionateabout keeping kids safe online.
We're learning together how tonavigate tech, culture, and
faith with our kids.
Build a safe place.
Your kid needs a safe place toprocess what they're seeing,

(00:23):
hearing, and feeling.
We want our kids to feel safewith us.
You know, my husband has a superhigh stressful job.
He crawls in bed with me at theend of the night and he vents.
Would I ever put that onFacebook or text my friend group

(00:45):
what he just told me?
No.
Because I respect my husband.
I need you to respect yourchild.
When our children are little,they do tend to just tell us
things.
How we react over time willdetermine if they continue

(01:06):
telling us things.
So for example, I remember whenmy kids were little, we would go
to play groups at the park allthe time.
And I loved it because my kidscould go and play with their
friends and get their energyout.
And I could just have a minutewith my mom friends.
But you know, I look back onthose days.

(01:27):
I made some mistakes when I wastalking to my mom friends in
front of my kids.
And, you know, we would just, wewere venting and we were young
moms, and we would say thingslike, oh, this one has trouble
with bed wedding.
Oh, this one, you know, they arevery jealous or they have a
temper.
And we would put these labels onour kids.

(01:48):
And you know what?
I look back on that and I think,our kids were listening to us.
Were we communicating to themthat their secrets aren't safe
with us, that their feelingsaren't safe with us?
And if I could go back, I wouldbe way more careful with even

(02:09):
simple statements that I wouldmake in front of my kids.
Now, I'm not saying as parents,we don't need a safe group of
friends that we can talk toabout those sorts of issues.
Absolutely, yes.
But it needs to be done awayfrom the children.
The other thing, too, is mykids, you know, grew up.

(02:29):
I learned this.
When our kids start crushing onsomeone or they hit a milestone,
you know, start their period,start shaving their legs,
whatever it is.
That is not Facebook materialfor us.
Our kids' privacy, it matters.
And learn from me what I wish Iwould have done so much sooner

(02:54):
is ask my kids permission topost about them.
I didn't start this until middleschool.
And again, I wish if I could goback, I would do this earlier.
I would ask them to post.
Even today, you know, we haveone young adult out of the home.
She's a graduate student.
We have another 18-year-oldwho's getting ready to leave.

(03:17):
But even at this age that theyare, if there's a family photo
that I want to post on Facebookor Instagram, I will text our
family group chat and ask ifit's okay.
Because in my mind, it's abeautiful picture, but but they
may not like it.
And what this does is it justshows our kids that their voice

(03:38):
matters.
Like their consent matters.
We respect their privacy andtheir feelings.
The other thing that I want tosay about posting, sometimes you
will ask your four or five,six-year-old, hey, can I post
this picture of us?
Or can I share this story aboutyou?
And they may say yes.
You know, they're a young child.

(03:59):
And I think we need to becareful with this because really
kids cannot consent.
They can't.
They may not quite understandwhat that story or picture will
feel like when they're 16, 17,or 18.
So I would caution you here,even if you ask permission of

(04:21):
your young child to postsomething and they say yes, I
think you need to put yourselfin their shoes.
Would you be okay with thatstory or picture being out in
the world when you were 16 orwhen you were a teenager?
We just have to look ahead forthem and protect them.
Do you want to speak aboutsomething here?

(04:42):
A new trend that I'm reallyseeing on social media.
And I think it's just becauseeverybody's growing up so
digital now.
You know, we're filming in ourhomes, we're we're constantly on
stories, talking on our homes,and people are in the
background, kids are in thebackground.
And so we've really gottencomfortable for just everybody
being on camera, our emotions,our thoughts, our private life

(05:04):
on display in social media.
And the trend I'm seeing is, youknow, a kid may be having a
temper tantrum or a bad day orwhatever, or we're getting ready
to tell a kid bad news and wewant to record their reaction
and we post that for the worldto see.
This wasn't a thing when my kidswere little, so I didn't get

(05:24):
swept up in it.
But I just ask you to pause andthink, you know, if you were
having a bad day, if you werehaving a crazy parent mode
moment, would you want your kidto record that of you, your
worst moment, and put that onsocial media for likes?
We just need to show our kidsrespect.

(05:45):
They are a little soul thatwe've been entrusted with.
And a lot of times when they'relittle, they will tell you
things.
They will open up to you easily.
But as they get older, somethingchanges and you're not cool
anymore.
And the world kind of feeds ourkid that it's it's not cool to
talk to mom and dad.

(06:06):
It's it's more cool to like keepsecrets and sneak around and
sneak out of the house.
Like that's kind of the culturethat they're fed.
So we honestly need to bestarting about it before it
happens.
I want you to be thinking aboutthe moment that your kid may not
think you're cool and have youprepared for that moment that
your kid may still feel safewith you.

(06:28):
Also, part of being a safe placeis answering your kids'
questions.
When my kids were six and nine,I started this new thing in our
home and I told them if you everhear a new word or an idea, and
it could be you're on the schoolbus or you could be on the

(06:50):
playground or you could beonline, but but you hear this
new word and you're like, hmm,what does that mean?
I want a red flag to go off inyour brain to come home and ask
me.
Please don't Google it.
You could get wrong information.
Please don't ask your friends.
They may not really know and maygive you incorrect information

(07:11):
not knowing.
And so I want to be your source.
I'm your Google.
Now, technology has changed towhere now I would say be your
kids' AI bot.
Right?
Now kids really aren't askingGoogle anymore.
They're going and asking AIbots, they're asking chat GPT.
And so we need to be theirsource, especially when they're

(07:34):
young.
Will they age out of this?
Yes.
They will age and grow and beable to chat GPT stuff and
research stuff and then come toyou and talk about it.
Yes.
But when they're little, wedon't want them Googling.
We don't want them asking Siri.
We don't want them asking AI.
We are their source to askquestions.

(07:57):
And when they ask you, then yourreaction matters.
So we we did a podcast a coupleweeks ago about avoid crazy
parent mode.
When we can get our kids askingus what they're curious about,
and then we respond calmly andgive them the information in
age-appropriate terms, wherewe're starting to work together

(08:20):
to keep them safe from all thebad stuff in the world, then
guess what?
Over time, that standardoperating procedure of them
confiding in us, us notoverreacting, it builds a safe
place.
It's a process.
It's not going to happenovernight.
Every conversation that you havewith your child, every time your

(08:44):
child asks you a question aboutwhat something means, or tells
you something about what'shappening in their friend group,
or tells you a feeling thatthey're having that maybe scary
for even you to hear, and youdon't overreact, you're building
a safe place.
You're creating that over time,every day, in and out, the hard

(09:04):
work of creating that healthydialogue in your home.
I had a mom one time, she cameto an event, and I was talking
about this point about if yourkid hears a new word or an idea,
I want a red flag to go off intheir brain that they're
supposed to come home and askyou.
Well, she left the event thatnight.

(09:26):
She went home the next day.
She took her kid to school.
And on the way home from school,she asked her son, eight years
old, in the car.
And she she told me later, shesaid, Mandy, I thought you were
crazy.
There's nothing he's not tellingme.
And we all feel that way.
I have felt that way for years,right?
There's always stuff that ourkids are carrying that they're

(09:48):
not telling us.
We got to dig, we got to workfor those things.
But she was driving him home inthe car after school, and she
said, Hey, buddy, I just want toask you a question.
Is there any new word or an ideathat you've heard of and you're
curious about what it is?
He asked her three differenttimes, Am I gonna get in

(10:11):
trouble?
Am I gonna get in trouble?
Am I gonna get in trouble?
And she said, I was bracingmyself because I knew there was
something he was struggling withto process, something that he
had heard.
And she stayed calm and shesaid, You're not in any way,
shape, gonna get in trouble.
I just want you to tell me ifthere's things swirling around

(10:32):
in your brain that you'rewondering what they mean.
And out came some cuss words,out came some gender stuff, out
came some sexual stuff.
She could not believe that hersweet little eight-year-old was
carrying that around all aloneand not telling her.
She said they drove home thatday and they talked the entire

(10:55):
way home.
They pulled into the driveway,into the garage, turned off the
car.
It was a nice day outside.
They kept talking.
They had the windows down, theyjust kept talking.
They were having such goodconversation and it went on for
so long that the dad was in thehouse and thought something was
wrong.
So he came out to check on them.

(11:16):
And she said, Oh, give us aminute.
We're just having some goodconversation.
That happened at an event on aWednesday night.
I think she had the conversationon Thursday.
The following Wednesday night, Ihad another event in the same
city.
She met me before I even startedthat event that night.
And she said, I left here lastweek thinking you were

(11:37):
absolutely crazy.
There's no way my eight-year-oldis carrying around words and
ideas that he doesn't knowexisted.
And she said that one questionthat I asked him changed
everything because I was able torespond calmly, avoid crazy
parent mode, give him someage-appropriate answers to his

(12:00):
questions, reassure him never toask friends or Google or AI
about that sort of thing.
And she said, we made hugestrides that day in that one
conversation to build afoundation for a safe place.
This is what I'm talking about.

(12:21):
We just have to be willing tohave the courage to step out and
ask these questions.
Our kids are carrying arounddifficult things that they're
trying to process.
And they need to process themwith us, a safe person who's
going to love them no matterwhat and give them correct

(12:45):
information.
Now, when I say I want you to bethe source, you know, that's
your family, your choice on howyou handle that.
But Christian parents, this isvital for us because the world
is filling our kids with allkinds of non-biblical messages.
When we get a voice in our kids'life, when we become their safe

(13:05):
place, not only are we keepingthem safe from harm, like
pornography addiction, onlinepredators, you know, grooming,
that sort of thing thateverybody will if they implement
this.
But as Christian parents, youknow what we're doing?
We're developing their faithbecause we get to point them to
Jesus.
And we don't have to know itall.

(13:27):
That's what I love about being aChristian parent.
I'm falled, I mess up, I don'tknow everything.
But there is one who isall-knowing.
He's creator, he's savior, andhe's given us a Bible, a
blueprint to live our life by.
So, what was cool in my home isthat when my kids would come

(13:47):
home and start asking mequestions once I implemented
this, there were some big scaryquestions that they asked that I
wasn't sure.
What does the Bible say?
And why do I believe what Ithink I believe?
And guess what?
We dug into the word together.
I grew in my faith rightalongside my kids growing in
their faith.
So this is just a beautifulpicture about discipleship in

(14:11):
our home when we can become asafe place for our children.
Now, I want to give you adisclaimer here because
sometimes you pick your kid upfrom school and they get in the
car, and maybe they're five,they're in kinder, and they jump
in the car and they say a bigsexual word, and you're like,
there's no way we're here yet.

(14:32):
There's no way I can describe tomy five-year-old what this is.
We may need to have some otherconversations first before I can
answer this question.
Here's what I want to tell you.
It is perfectly okay to say toyour child, thank you so much
for asking me.
That's what I always want you todo.
I don't want you to Google thisor ask any technology what this

(14:55):
is or ask your friends.
I want you to go to people whoyou trust in real life, and
that's that's, you know, me anddad, or these safe, trusted
adults in their life.
So thank you so much for askingme.
It's always what I want you todo.
This is a big question.
It's like an adult question.
And what I don't want to do isgive you too much information

(15:18):
that your brain is not ready foryet.
I want to give you the answer inage-appropriate terms that that
won't scar you for life.
I laugh when I say that becausethat's a phrase I used to use
with my kids.
And at one point, my son evenhad a rap in our home where he
would dance and say, Scarred forlife, scarred for life.
Everybody, everybody scarred forlife.

(15:39):
It was like a little song wewould do when they would come
home and ask me, and I wouldjoke with them and I would say,
Thank you so much for notscarring yourself for life.
You know, that's what I want youto do.
And it just became a runningjoke in our home.
But one of the things that youcan easily say is, this is a big
question.
I don't want you to be scarredfor life.

(16:02):
Can I have a day to think abouthow to give you this answer in
age-appropriate terms?
So that's kind of your out ifyou got if you get caught off
guard with a question, but youwant to be their source.
Here's what I want to tell you.
You cannot use this as an excusenot to go back and answer their
question.
You cannot.

(16:22):
Because if you just then ignoreit, your kid is gonna think my
questions aren't important tomom.
She didn't come back and give methe answer.
So now I do have to ask Googlebecause I need the information.
So what I used to do is I wouldset a timer on my phone.
If there was a big loadedquestion and I wasn't prepared
to answer it yet, I would set atimer on my phone for 24 hours

(16:44):
from that from that time periodor when I was gonna address it
the next day.
And I would go back to my kidand I would say, Hey, that thing
you asked me about yesterday,I've prayed about it, you know,
I I I researched someinformation on really what I
wanted to tell you, and now I'mready to give you that
information.
And you know what?

(17:04):
Sometimes I would go back tothem and my kid would be like,
you know what?
I don't even need it anymore.
I'm done.
I've moved on.
I was like, yes, praise Jesus.
But other times my kid would belike, I'm so glad you came back
to me because I have morequestions now.
And we would go down the rabbithole of curiosity because I
would rather them do that withme than chat GPT.

(17:26):
We must be intentional aboutbuilding this safe place.
One other thing that I want tosay about this, you know, we're
talking about building a safeplace with like answering their
big questions.
And that's a way to build thesafe place.
Another way to build the safeplace is just simple things
throughout life.
Let me give you an example ofhow you can build the safe place

(17:49):
with little things throughouttheir whole life, just being
simple.
It may not be a big sexualquestion that you're responding
to.
So, say you have a six-year-oldboy and he comes home and he
says, Mom, please don't send theyogurt with blues clues on it
anymore.
Please, that's so embarrassing.
Oh, son, I'm so sorry.

(18:10):
I didn't even think about that.
Would you like a different kindof yogurt or no yogurt at all?
Let me know.
I know that seems so simple.
It's stupid yogurt.
But what are you communicatingto your kid in that moment?
Their feelings and their voice,it matters to you.
This is important when buildinga safe place.

(18:31):
If they trust you with thelittle things like that and you
respond really well, they'regonna trust you with the big
things when they get older.
And so that's why it's superimportant.
I always have this visual when Italk about building a safe
place, and I use the word buildbecause it is a process that
you're doing over time.
But I always envision, you know,brick pavers.

(18:53):
And in talk, my first book, Iactually have brick pavers on
the bottom of it because I hadthis visual when I was trying to
build the safe place all thoseyears ago with my kids when I
realized this was key in keepingthem safe online.
And so, you know, brick pavers,you lay one down at a time, one
down at a time.

(19:14):
And then eventually you havethis beautiful foundation, this
patio.
And that's what it's like.
Every conversation is a brickpaver that you're adding to this
foundation.
And I want you to think of itlike that because it's
empowering.
You know, when they talk to youabout their yogurt embarrassing
them and you fix it for them,you're like, oh, another brick

(19:35):
paver.
Then they get in the car afterschool and they're like, Mom,
somebody's bullying me on theplayground.
And you say, Give me an example.
Tell me what you mean by that.
And then you have this greatconversation about that.
Another brick paver is added,you know, to your foundation.
Every conversation where yourkid confides in you about

(19:56):
something, what they're seeing,what they're hearing, what
they're feeling, how yourespond, it either adds a brick
paver to that very strongfoundation, or it rips out a
brick paver.
And then there's a gaping holeof a problem in the relationship

(20:17):
that needs to be fixed.
Now, one of the things that Iwant to tell you is this.
For those of you who don't know,I've been on this journey for 12
years of trying to build aculture of honest conversation
in my home to keep my kids safein such a digital confused
world.
And this key thing, the buildingthe safe place, I saw it happen.

(20:43):
I saw the brick pavers begin tobe laid in a really cool
pattern.
I saw my kids very much trustingme.
You know how I noticed that Iwas improving?
When we first started this, Iwould get questions like, Are
you gonna tell anybody?
Are you gonna put that onFacebook?
Kind of like that little boy inthe car who would say, Am I

(21:05):
gonna get in trouble?
Am I gonna get in trouble?
I would get those questionsbecause my kids would fear that
I would tell somebody.
But over time, I becametrustworthy.
And they understood, theystarted to understand when I
would ask permission to post orask permission to tell a story.
You know what that communicatedto my kid?

(21:26):
Okay, everything that I tell momand dad, it's it's ours.
And she will ask permission ifshe wants to share that.
So it's not on me to ask her notto share.
She's gonna default to keepingit just for us.
And that was really cool to seethe shift.
It never became, I mean, nowwhen my kids tell me something,

(21:49):
they never preface it with, areyou gonna tell anybody?
No, because they know that ifI'm gonna share their story, I
will ask first.
I will ask permission.
I have proven myself over adecade of my kids that I can be
their trusted, safe place.
When I was writing my firstbook, I was really in the thick

(22:12):
of trying to lay that foundationand build the safe place.
One of the things with my bookwas I shared some stories about
my kids in there, and I wouldalways ask their permission.
I would say to them, nothing Isay on a stage, on a podcast, or
in a book will go out into theworld unless I ask you first.

(22:33):
And I still joke with them guysbecause there were some good
stories I wanted to include inmy book, and they wouldn't let
me.
And I don't know, I'm kind ofhoping as they get older that
maybe they'll be like, okay, youcan share that story now, but I
don't know.
We'll see.
Because guess what?
The relationship with my kid,it's more important than book

(22:53):
sales.
We always have to put our kidsin the relationship and the safe
place we're trying to build.
We need to make that thepriority.
Now, one of the things thatcaught me off guard, and I'm
gonna be very real with you, wasthe things that they would tell
me as they got older becausethey felt safe with me.

(23:16):
So I would feel like I would goto Friday night football games
and I would know a lot of whatwas happening with these kids
because my kids were confidingin me.
And many times I would want toreach out to those parents and
you know, tell them what washappening, and I could not.
But and I think with opencommunication and with parenting

(23:38):
the next talk way, kind of ourvision for what we're proposing
to the world about the way tokeep kids safe is by building
this relationship, right?
I think one of the hardest partsis next talk families know a lot
of stuff because our kids areconfiding in us.
It's very difficult to process.

(23:59):
You will have tears about whatthey're struggling with and what
their friends are strugglingwith.
You will have tears about thatbecause you know.
I would always offset, though,with the fact that I'm so glad I
could carry this with them andthey're not carrying it by
themselves.
That's how I would alwaysreconcile that in my mind.
But I did have to come up with afew disclaimers on when I have

(24:22):
to report or when I have to getinvolved.
So you really have to pick yourbattles here.
Each situation is different.
You have to use discernment.
Do you know this family?
Do you know how this familywould respond?

I would always say this (24:34):
don't ever talk to another family or
report something without havinga conversation with your kid
first.
Because you don't want to breaktheir confidence.
A big loophole for me was this.
Anytime I knew another kid'slife was at stake or a serious
mental health issue, like therewas I had to get involved on

(24:57):
some level.
And here's how that went in myhome.
Old Mandy originally, you know,my kid would have confided
something in me, maybe somebodysuicidal, or they're being
bullied and they're worriedabout their mental health,
something like that.
Old Mandy probably would havetexted everybody, you know,
involved, would have maybeposted about it on Facebook.

(25:19):
I wouldn't have used names, butI would probably have said, if
you have a kid at this school,you need to, you know, talk with
them because they're bullying orthey're being mean to this
person or whatever.
I would have tried to reconcilethe problem in a public way.
The shift is that now new Mandytries to get the kid help in a

(25:40):
private way by also respectingmy kid's confidence.
So the conversation now would besay your kid confides in you.
This friend is having suicidalthoughts.
Honey, thank you so much fortelling me.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm so glad that you don't haveto carry this alone.
This is a lot for a young personto carry that their best friend

(26:04):
may confide this in them.
I always want you to know you'resafe and and that I won't break
your confidence.
But in this situation, we haveto make sure this kid is getting
the help they need.
So we have some options here.
I can email your schoolcounselor and I can say, please,
we want to remain anonymous asmuch as we can, but we need to

(26:26):
report this.
We just need to make sure thekid, you follow up with this kid
and get the kid counseling.
Or, you know, there's theanonymous text number at your
school.
We have this in our district.
Some of you guys have this inyour school districts where you
can text stuff anonymously andreport it.
If you're really good friendswith the family and the mom or
the dad, you know, you may havea conversation with, I need to

(26:49):
call this person.
I need to just make them awarethat their kid is struggling in
this way so the kid can gethelp.
This is a moment where you canactually empower your kid to do
the right thing, but also workto maintain their confidence.
I tell you to approach it likethis because I want you to think
about something.
Say your child comes home andyour child confides in you that

(27:13):
their friend is suicidal.
You don't talk to your kid orhave any conversation, you just
email the school counselor andprincipal and say, this kid
needs help ASAP because you wantto do the right thing.
Likely what's going to happen isthe school counselor is going to
call your kid down the next dayand say, tell me what was said.
I'm just gathering context.

(27:34):
When your kid gets called intothat office, your kid is
thinking to themselves, I'mnever going to tell mom or dad
anything ever again because Icannot believe they called the
school.
So what I'm telling you issometimes we do have to report,
we do have to get the schoolinvolved, but it should always

(27:55):
be a conversation with our kid.
We have to do this for thiskid's well-being.
What if this kid hurtsthemselves?
They confided in us, they madean outcry to us.
So it's on us now to make suresomebody at a higher level can
get the kid the help they need.
Okay.
Also, I want to say this aboutschools.

(28:16):
Once you report and you've got acounselor involved, you don't
get to know what's going on withthat kid.
Step away, pray for that kid.
You know, maybe your child isstill confiding in you about
what they're seeing or whatthey're hearing from that from
that kid.
If it escalates and you thinkthat the kid is still not
getting help, you can reach outagain.

(28:37):
But but the school doesn't oweyou any information.
You've done your part to reportit, and now the school needs to
take it from there.
I share all this because itcomes up a lot.
If you do this really well inyour home, if you create a safe
place, you're gonna know moreinformation than you ever wanted
to know about what's going on inthe lives of your child's

(29:00):
friends and their families.
You're gonna know all the scoop.
So how you handle all thatinformation is important.
It's not gossip, it's not to beshared in group chats or talked
about anywhere else.
Because if it gets out and yourkid finds out that you are the
one that leaked it without aconversation about the reporting

(29:21):
context in those certainsituations, you have then lost
the trust of your kid.
And I always talk about trust ina relationship, like it's a
glass plate broken in half.
You can't move forward untilthat is repaired and come back
together.
It's the same thing when ourkids lie to us, same situation.

(29:42):
We we have to resolve thatbefore we can move forward.
And it's the same thing with usas parents.
We can't use the informationthat our kids are confiding in
us and trusting in us to processthe world to.
Earn points over here on socialmedia that our kids are

(30:03):
confiding in us and tell thewhole world what's happening.
We can't do that.
The information that's beenentrusted to us, it's vital to
handle that carefully.
Report when you need to report.
When another child's life is atstake, you've got to report.
But you've got to do that withconversations with your kid

(30:23):
before you report on why it isimperative to get involved.
Also, it's really cool to seewhen you and your kid kind of
report together.
Your kid can help you email thecounselor.
The kid can help you decide howto report.
It's really cool to be able tosee another child maybe get the
help they need and get better.

(30:43):
And then you can go back to yourkid and say, you know, because
of you, like God used you tohelp keep this kid safe.
Your friend confided in you.
You told me we worked togetherto get that kid help.
And now look, look what yourbravery did.
It saved a kid.
It's an empowering thing toteach your kid to do the right

(31:06):
thing when nobody else knows oris looking, and it's not a
public thing.
And so many times when old Mandywas responding, I took my kid
out of the process.
So my kid didn't get to see howempowering it would be to do the
right thing in private.
So bring your kids along on thatjourney.

(31:26):
And together, you are going tocreate a beautiful, safe place.
They are going to ask youawkward questions that is not
Facebook or joke material foryou.
They're going to confide in youabout what they're seeing or
hearing.
They're going to confide in youwhat's happening at sleepovers
with their friends, what'shappening on the bus through

(31:47):
conversations.
Listen, no filter is going tocatch all of that.
But the safe place, it will.

SPEAKER_00 (31:55):
Next Talk is a 501c3 nonprofit keeping kids safe
online.
To support our work, make adonation at nextalk.org.
Next talk resources are notintended to replace the advice
of a trained healthcare or legalprofessional, or to diagnose,
treat, or otherwise renderexpert advice regarding any type
of medical, psychological,legal, financial, or other
problem.
You are advised to consult aqualified expert for your

(32:16):
personal treatment plan.
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