November 25, 2024 • 11 mins
It’s a big decision to give your child a phone. We provide three questions to ask yourself to help you determine if your child is ready.
KEEPING KIDS SAFE ONLINE
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to the Next Talk podcast.
We are a nonprofit passionateabout keeping kids safe online.
We're learning together how tonavigate tech, culture and faith
with our kids.
Today's question is is my childready for a phone?
We get asked this a lot, so Iwanted to do a podcast and kind
(00:25):
of lay out some questions that Iwould love for you to be able
to ask yourself.
First of all, I want to definewhat we mean by phone.
I'm talking about a smartphonewith internet connection, and
when I say a phone, I don'tinclude social media.
So that doesn't mean if yourkid earns a phone, if your kid
gets a phone, that theyautomatically include social
media.
So that doesn't mean if yourkid earns a phone, if your kid
(00:45):
gets a phone, that theyautomatically get social media.
That's an additional step in mymind.
So when I'm answering thisquestion, is my child ready for
a phone, what I'm talking aboutis a smart home with internet
connection, but this is nottalking about social media.
So this would not be Instagram,this would not be Snapchat.
This would be an actual, justphone to start out with.
(01:07):
So I want to just be clearthere on what I mean about the
definition of a phone.
You know your kid better thananyone and it's always your
family, your choice.
But I do think there's some keythings that we need to think
about when we're askingourselves this question.
You know, many times maybe acircumstance in your family will
dictate when you give your kidsa phone.
(01:28):
So, for example, if you have asingle parent and your kid is
getting off the bus and goinginto the house and you don't
have a landline, so you want tostay in touch with your kid, so
that may dictate when your kidgets a phone, All of that is
okay, but we have to lay outsome guidelines for that kid.
The other thing is this A lotof times when we're talking
(01:50):
about giving kids a phone, Iwill always hear people say well
, when they're 14 or whenthey're 15 or when they're 16,
that's when they get a phone.
I do not believe in that, andthis is why you can say an age.
I do not believe in that andthis is why you can say an age.
But you also have to attachbehavior to it.
My kid should not be earning aphone just because they have a
(02:11):
birthday and turn 16.
They should also bedemonstrating to me that they're
ready for that freedom and I'mmore interested in the behavior
aspect rather than their age.
We've always said delay, delay,delay, but also having a phone
is like a life skill that ourkids need.
So you have to find the rightbalance to implement that.
(02:33):
I also want to say, when we'retalking about this age thing,
you know we did a show on theanxious generation Jonathan
Hyatt book, which I loved andhighly respect his work.
We did a show on thatpreviously.
We'll link it below.
But one of the collaborativeactions that he is pushing is
wait until 16.
(02:53):
I don't know how I feel aboutthat, because this is why, In my
state, 16 is when you startdriving, and so we have to be
careful not to give too muchfreedom all at once.
I know what worked really wellwith my kids they got a phone
before they started driving andwhat was really cool about that
(03:14):
is when they started driving.
Then they experienced adifferent kind of freedom and
they experienced like real lifein person friendships because
they could go to games more,they could meet up with friends
for dinner, and those were goodconversations about how before,
when they weren't driving andthey were home on screens more,
(03:35):
how it made them feel.
And so, again, it's just usingthose moments in life where
they're understanding thatpeople are greater than screens.
So the wait until 16.
I mean, you can if you want,but I feel like it should be
more of a staggered approach,because that's a lot of freedom
all at once to drive and haveall the social media at once.
(03:58):
Those are some disclaimers thatI want to throw out there as we
walk through this show, but Iwant to give you three questions
to ask yourself if you'rethinking about is my kid ready
for a phone?
Okay?
So here's question number one,and this is a question for the
parents Are you ready for theadditional responsibility?
(04:18):
That's your first question.
This is going to take moreparenting on your part.
You're going to have to do bedoing random phone checks.
You're going to have to bemonitoring their social media
accounts as they earn socialmedia platforms.
Again, it's one platform at atime, not a free-for-all.
When they first get a phone,but are you ready for the
additional responsibility thatcomes with it to make sure your
(04:40):
kid is safe on that?
So that's question one.
You just have to be okay withknowing that you have to be
engaged in their online worldand you have to know what's
going on.
Number two, and really this isthe biggest question to ask
yourself if you're consideringis my kid ready for a phone?
This is a big one.
Is my kid confiding in me?
(05:00):
If you are a parent and you haveimplemented our red flag alert
system, those are reportingguidelines that you go over with
your elementary age kids,guidelines that you go over with
your elementary age kids.
If they are reporting things toyou, then they are signaling
(05:23):
that they're earning a phone.
If you have laid out those redflag reporting guidelines like
these are the things that I wantyou to tell me about, whether
it's in a conversation or online.
I want you.
We need to be talking aboutthese key things and you're
laying that out for them.
And then you're finding thingson the family iPad or the family
computer that they're nottelling you and it's those
specific things.
They're not ready for a phone.
So the red flag alert systemreally allows you to determine
(05:48):
if your kid is ready for a phoneor not.
One of the things with my kid,when she first earned a phone,
she was using my phone, you know, to text her friends and to
play apps and that kind of thing, and I think that's kind of a
normal step that kids will do.
You'll notice that they'll beon your phones more often, and
(06:09):
so she was talking with herfriends and playing all sorts of
apps.
And one day we were in aMexican restaurant and we had a
whole bunch of people with usand she was playing my phone.
And she actually got up andcame over to me and she
whispered hey, mom, this justpopped up on my app and what it
(06:31):
was?
It was a four plus app.
She was playing and you buildyour own avatar.
Well, there was one person andthis was when she was in fourth
or fifth grade there was oneperson with a shirt on that had
the F word.
When she showed it to me, Ilooked at her and I just
whispered back and I said thankyou so much for telling me.
I didn't take the phone andshow everybody or I didn't make
(06:53):
a big scene, nothing like that.
But when we got in the carafter we left the restaurant, I
made a big deal about it and Isaid listen, this is what I
always want you to do, is reportstuff like that to me, Things
that you look at, that you'relike whoa what, and you know as
a fourth or fifth grader.
The F word was shocking to her,and so that was my signal in my
(07:16):
head that she's earning, she'staking steps to earn more online
freedom, and so those are thethings we want to look for, and
I had implemented those red flagalerts.
I write about them in KeepingKids Safe.
It's under the chapter ofexplain what to report, but at
Next Talk we've kind of turnedthose in and even bulked them up
more and created that red flagalert system.
(07:37):
These are things that I triedand true in my own home to get
my kids ready to see if they'reready to earn a phone and so
utilize that, Because if they'renot communicating and reporting
things to you that they'reseeing they're on your phone or
on the family iPad or through aconversation at school if
(07:58):
they're not reporting things toyou like new things they're
hearing and seeing, then youcan't give them a phone.
They're not ready for that yet,and so we want to get them into
the habit of coming to us andsaying what does this mean?
I heard this at recess, andthose sorts of things.
All of that is on the red flagalert.
So an example on the red flagalert is if you ever hear a new
(08:20):
word, phrase or idea and you'rethinking, Hmm, I wonder what
that means, that's a red flagthat should go off in your brain
to go ask mom and dad.
So, again, it's just trainingthem to kind of be their own
little filter, to come to youand to bring it up as a family,
and then you guys get to talkabout it, how you want to handle
it.
The kid confiding in you I mean, it's more than just stuff
(08:44):
online.
It's again, like I said,conversations on the bus,
conversations at the lunch table, sleepovers, what happens in
the bathrooms at school, thatsort of thing.
And so are they confidingthings in you?
And if they're not, justthey're not ready for a phone.
So we have to make sure this isa really big one.
(09:06):
The other thing is we justrolled out a new resource and
they're called family packs.
So, for example, the red flagalert is really designed for the
preschool or early elementary.
It can hang on your fridge Ifyou're like my kids are kind of
past that, but I want them tostart reporting things to me, I
want them to start talking to me.
We've developed two differentfamily packs one for younger
(09:29):
kids, one for older kids.
They have no graphics on them,they just look a little bit
older, and so those are alwaysavailable to you.
But that kind of goes through.
It's the same system.
You're going to report thisstuff to me and let me know, and
it is coming together as thisteam effort of we're going to
work together to keep you safe.
So if you talk to me about thisstuff, you're going to earn
more freedom.
(09:49):
So, again, that second questionis the biggest one.
Is my kid confiding in me?
That is really going todetermine if they're ready for a
phone or not.
Kid confiding in me?
That is really going todetermine if they're ready for a
phone or not.
And then the third thing isthis is my kid lying to me about
anything?
Does my kid respect ourguidelines or are they being
sneaky?
I'm just going to say a reallyhard truth to you If your kid is
(10:11):
lying to you, they should notbe getting a phone.
If your kid, if you don't trustyour kid, you should not be
giving more online access.
And so these are the kind ofthe hard questions that we have
to ask ourselves If we're, ifwe're thinking about is my kid
ready for a phone?
So those are my top threequestions that you need to be
(10:31):
asking yourself.
Am I ready for the additionalresponsibility?
Is my kid confiding in me?
And really that is the biggestone.
Is my kid confiding in me?
And really that is the biggestone.
Is my kid confiding in me?
And three is my kid lying to meabout anything?
Can I trust this kid or arethey sneaky?
So I hope these three thingswill really help you decide if
your kid is ready for a phone ornot.
(10:51):
Take those three things, prayabout it, talk with your spouse
or co-parent and then decidetogether.
Is my kid ready for a phone?
Make a donation today atnexttalkorg.
Next Talk resources are notintended to replace the advice
of a trained healthcare or legalprofessional or to diagnose,
treat or otherwise render expertadvice regarding any type of
(11:13):
medical, psychological, legal,financial or other problem.
You are advised to consult aqualified expert for your
personal treatment plan.
Welcome to the Next Talk podcast.
We are a nonprofit passionateabout keeping kids safe online.
We're learning together how tonavigate tech, culture and faith
with our kids.
Today's question is is my childready for a phone?
We get asked this a lot, so Iwanted to do a podcast and kind
(00:25):
of lay out some questions that Iwould love for you to be able
to ask yourself.
First of all, I want to definewhat we mean by phone.
I'm talking about a smartphonewith internet connection, and
when I say a phone, I don'tinclude social media.
So that doesn't mean if yourkid earns a phone, if your kid
gets a phone, that theyautomatically include social
media.
So that doesn't mean if yourkid earns a phone, if your kid
(00:45):
gets a phone, that theyautomatically get social media.
That's an additional step in mymind.
So when I'm answering thisquestion, is my child ready for
a phone, what I'm talking aboutis a smart home with internet
connection, but this is nottalking about social media.
So this would not be Instagram,this would not be Snapchat.
This would be an actual, justphone to start out with.
(01:07):
So I want to just be clearthere on what I mean about the
definition of a phone.
You know your kid better thananyone and it's always your
family, your choice.
But I do think there's some keythings that we need to think
about when we're askingourselves this question.
You know, many times maybe acircumstance in your family will
dictate when you give your kidsa phone.
(01:28):
So, for example, if you have asingle parent and your kid is
getting off the bus and goinginto the house and you don't
have a landline, so you want tostay in touch with your kid, so
that may dictate when your kidgets a phone, All of that is
okay, but we have to lay outsome guidelines for that kid.
The other thing is this A lotof times when we're talking
(01:50):
about giving kids a phone, Iwill always hear people say well
, when they're 14 or whenthey're 15 or when they're 16,
that's when they get a phone.
I do not believe in that, andthis is why you can say an age.
I do not believe in that andthis is why you can say an age.
But you also have to attachbehavior to it.
My kid should not be earning aphone just because they have a
(02:11):
birthday and turn 16.
They should also bedemonstrating to me that they're
ready for that freedom and I'mmore interested in the behavior
aspect rather than their age.
We've always said delay, delay,delay, but also having a phone
is like a life skill that ourkids need.
So you have to find the rightbalance to implement that.
(02:33):
I also want to say, when we'retalking about this age thing,
you know we did a show on theanxious generation Jonathan
Hyatt book, which I loved andhighly respect his work.
We did a show on thatpreviously.
We'll link it below.
But one of the collaborativeactions that he is pushing is
wait until 16.
(02:53):
I don't know how I feel aboutthat, because this is why, In my
state, 16 is when you startdriving, and so we have to be
careful not to give too muchfreedom all at once.
I know what worked really wellwith my kids they got a phone
before they started driving andwhat was really cool about that
(03:14):
is when they started driving.
Then they experienced adifferent kind of freedom and
they experienced like real lifein person friendships because
they could go to games more,they could meet up with friends
for dinner, and those were goodconversations about how before,
when they weren't driving andthey were home on screens more,
(03:35):
how it made them feel.
And so, again, it's just usingthose moments in life where
they're understanding thatpeople are greater than screens.
So the wait until 16.
I mean, you can if you want,but I feel like it should be
more of a staggered approach,because that's a lot of freedom
all at once to drive and haveall the social media at once.
(03:58):
Those are some disclaimers thatI want to throw out there as we
walk through this show, but Iwant to give you three questions
to ask yourself if you'rethinking about is my kid ready
for a phone?
Okay?
So here's question number one,and this is a question for the
parents Are you ready for theadditional responsibility?
(04:18):
That's your first question.
This is going to take moreparenting on your part.
You're going to have to do bedoing random phone checks.
You're going to have to bemonitoring their social media
accounts as they earn socialmedia platforms.
Again, it's one platform at atime, not a free-for-all.
When they first get a phone,but are you ready for the
additional responsibility thatcomes with it to make sure your
(04:40):
kid is safe on that?
So that's question one.
You just have to be okay withknowing that you have to be
engaged in their online worldand you have to know what's
going on.
Number two, and really this isthe biggest question to ask
yourself if you're consideringis my kid ready for a phone?
This is a big one.
Is my kid confiding in me?
(05:00):
If you are a parent and you haveimplemented our red flag alert
system, those are reportingguidelines that you go over with
your elementary age kids,guidelines that you go over with
your elementary age kids.
If they are reporting things toyou, then they are signaling
(05:23):
that they're earning a phone.
If you have laid out those redflag reporting guidelines like
these are the things that I wantyou to tell me about, whether
it's in a conversation or online.
I want you.
We need to be talking aboutthese key things and you're
laying that out for them.
And then you're finding thingson the family iPad or the family
computer that they're nottelling you and it's those
specific things.
They're not ready for a phone.
So the red flag alert systemreally allows you to determine
(05:48):
if your kid is ready for a phoneor not.
One of the things with my kid,when she first earned a phone,
she was using my phone, you know, to text her friends and to
play apps and that kind of thing, and I think that's kind of a
normal step that kids will do.
You'll notice that they'll beon your phones more often, and
(06:09):
so she was talking with herfriends and playing all sorts of
apps.
And one day we were in aMexican restaurant and we had a
whole bunch of people with usand she was playing my phone.
And she actually got up andcame over to me and she
whispered hey, mom, this justpopped up on my app and what it
(06:31):
was?
It was a four plus app.
She was playing and you buildyour own avatar.
Well, there was one person andthis was when she was in fourth
or fifth grade there was oneperson with a shirt on that had
the F word.
When she showed it to me, Ilooked at her and I just
whispered back and I said thankyou so much for telling me.
I didn't take the phone andshow everybody or I didn't make
(06:53):
a big scene, nothing like that.
But when we got in the carafter we left the restaurant, I
made a big deal about it and Isaid listen, this is what I
always want you to do, is reportstuff like that to me, Things
that you look at, that you'relike whoa what, and you know as
a fourth or fifth grader.
The F word was shocking to her,and so that was my signal in my
(07:16):
head that she's earning, she'staking steps to earn more online
freedom, and so those are thethings we want to look for, and
I had implemented those red flagalerts.
I write about them in KeepingKids Safe.
It's under the chapter ofexplain what to report, but at
Next Talk we've kind of turnedthose in and even bulked them up
more and created that red flagalert system.
(07:37):
These are things that I triedand true in my own home to get
my kids ready to see if they'reready to earn a phone and so
utilize that, Because if they'renot communicating and reporting
things to you that they'reseeing they're on your phone or
on the family iPad or through aconversation at school if
(07:58):
they're not reporting things toyou like new things they're
hearing and seeing, then youcan't give them a phone.
They're not ready for that yet,and so we want to get them into
the habit of coming to us andsaying what does this mean?
I heard this at recess, andthose sorts of things.
All of that is on the red flagalert.
So an example on the red flagalert is if you ever hear a new
(08:20):
word, phrase or idea and you'rethinking, Hmm, I wonder what
that means, that's a red flagthat should go off in your brain
to go ask mom and dad.
So, again, it's just trainingthem to kind of be their own
little filter, to come to youand to bring it up as a family,
and then you guys get to talkabout it, how you want to handle
it.
The kid confiding in you I mean, it's more than just stuff
(08:44):
online.
It's again, like I said,conversations on the bus,
conversations at the lunch table, sleepovers, what happens in
the bathrooms at school, thatsort of thing.
And so are they confidingthings in you?
And if they're not, justthey're not ready for a phone.
So we have to make sure this isa really big one.
(09:06):
The other thing is we justrolled out a new resource and
they're called family packs.
So, for example, the red flagalert is really designed for the
preschool or early elementary.
It can hang on your fridge Ifyou're like my kids are kind of
past that, but I want them tostart reporting things to me, I
want them to start talking to me.
We've developed two differentfamily packs one for younger
(09:29):
kids, one for older kids.
They have no graphics on them,they just look a little bit
older, and so those are alwaysavailable to you.
But that kind of goes through.
It's the same system.
You're going to report thisstuff to me and let me know, and
it is coming together as thisteam effort of we're going to
work together to keep you safe.
So if you talk to me about thisstuff, you're going to earn
more freedom.
(09:49):
So, again, that second questionis the biggest one.
Is my kid confiding in me?
That is really going todetermine if they're ready for a
phone or not.
Kid confiding in me?
That is really going todetermine if they're ready for a
phone or not.
And then the third thing isthis is my kid lying to me about
anything?
Does my kid respect ourguidelines or are they being
sneaky?
I'm just going to say a reallyhard truth to you If your kid is
(10:11):
lying to you, they should notbe getting a phone.
If your kid, if you don't trustyour kid, you should not be
giving more online access.
And so these are the kind ofthe hard questions that we have
to ask ourselves If we're, ifwe're thinking about is my kid
ready for a phone?
So those are my top threequestions that you need to be
(10:31):
asking yourself.
Am I ready for the additionalresponsibility?
Is my kid confiding in me?
And really that is the biggestone.
Is my kid confiding in me?
And really that is the biggestone.
Is my kid confiding in me?
And three is my kid lying to meabout anything?
Can I trust this kid or arethey sneaky?
So I hope these three thingswill really help you decide if
your kid is ready for a phone ornot.
(10:51):
Take those three things, prayabout it, talk with your spouse
or co-parent and then decidetogether.
Is my kid ready for a phone?
Make a donation today atnexttalkorg.
Next Talk resources are notintended to replace the advice
of a trained healthcare or legalprofessional or to diagnose,
treat or otherwise render expertadvice regarding any type of
(11:13):
medical, psychological, legal,financial or other problem.
You are advised to consult aqualified expert for your
personal treatment plan.
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