Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to the Next
Talk podcast.
We are a nonprofit passionateabout keeping kids safe online.
We're learning together how tonavigate tech, culture and faith
with our kids.
You've made the decision to getyour kid a phone.
I have a couple suggestions foryou, and I know, with Christmas
coming up or maybe a birthday,it's the perfect time to gift
(00:24):
your kid a phone, and so theseare just a few things that I
want you to think about, becauseI think rolling out a phone
correctly can make a hugedifference to keep your kids
safe online.
First of all, what I want tosay is this show is not about if
your kid is ready or not for aphone.
We did a separate show aboutthat that we'll link but this
(00:44):
show is specifically geared toparents who are saying, nope, my
kid is ready, I'm getting thema phone.
How do I roll it out?
And so here's a couple ofsuggestions that I have for you.
Before we get into those, I dowant to define what I mean by
phone.
So this is a phone withinternet access, a smartphone.
This is not social media.
(01:06):
Social media is another beast.
So when your kid first gets aphone, I do not advise that they
get social media.
They should have a trial periodwhere they're texting, they
have a few apps and then theycan earn one social media
platform at a time as kids andparents learn it together and
(01:29):
walk through it together.
You hear us say a lot at NextTalk to teach your kid how to
use a phone, like you'reteaching them how to drive.
We don't want to start outgoing 70 miles an hour down the
highway in a free-for-all.
So you know we start outteaching our kids how to drive
in the driveway and theneventually turning out of our
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neighborhood and going 10 or 20miles an hour.
And so it is the same withgetting a kid a phone.
If your kid is getting ready toopen up a phone on Christmas
morning, it shouldn't be afree-for-all where they download
seven social media apps all atonce.
That's way too much for you andyour kid to manage.
So that's the first thing Iwant to say.
This is not talking aboutsocial media.
(02:12):
That's an additional step, butthey're just getting a phone.
What are some core things thatwe can roll out?
So it's a big step to take thisleap of faith and give your
kids a phone, and so we want tomake sure we roll it out really,
really well.
The first thing that I wouldrecommend explain to your kid
(02:35):
why they earned this phone.
Write a letter to your kid andput it in the gift and it says
hey, do you remember when youtold me about your friend group
that that that this happened?
Do you remember when you werein the school bathroom and this
happened and you told me aboutit?
Do you remember, uh, threeweeks ago, when you were playing
(02:55):
Roblox and something really badpopped up on the screen and you
told me these are the threereasons why you're earning a
phone, and so I think that'sreally, really important,
especially if you're gifting tothem on a birthday or a special
occasion like Christmas, becauseautomatically they think I'm
just getting this because it's aspecial occasion, and what we
(03:17):
want to do is instill in ourkids that they've earned this,
that we are building arelationship of trust and, as
long as they're talking to us,this is what's going to happen.
They can earn more freedombecause they're growing up, and
so I think this number one thingis so, so important.
Explain to your kid why they aregetting this phone, why they
(03:38):
earned it.
Use tangible examples If youhave implemented our red flag
alert system or any of ourfamily packed resources that we
have, with all of thoseguidelines on what to report,
and they report those things toyou.
That's a conversation becauseyou can say, hey, we have this
thing hanging on the fridgewhere we tell you to tell us
(03:59):
about all these different thingsthat you may be seeing or
hearing.
You're doing that.
So because you're doing thatnow you have earned a phone.
So number one is explain toyour kid why they earned that
phone.
Number two you have to createclear guidelines and
expectations.
So there have not been manytimes in my kid's life where we
(04:24):
actually set at the familykitchen table and I had them
sign a document like signing amortgage, but their phone
contract was that.
One time I laid out details ofmy expectations about that phone
and they signed it and that wasour phone contract.
We have an editable version ofthat that will link as a
(04:46):
resource that you can make ityour own.
It's a starting point, but youcan come up with your own
guidelines that you can make ityour own.
It's a starting point, but youcan come up with your own
guidelines that you want yourkids Some of the things that I
have included in, there is nophones in bedrooms or bathrooms.
Now, many of you guys have heardmy story about the bathroom
(05:07):
guideline and how that came tobe.
My five-year-old boy had walkedin on me changing in the
bedroom with an iPad and at thattime I was in the beginning of
Next Talk and learning what itmeans to keep your kids safe
online and really looking forteachable moments that I could
(05:27):
even have with my five-year-oldabout keeping him safe on his
phone in the future, even thoughhe had no phone at five,
obviously.
And so when he walked in on mechanging, it was a light bulb
went off in my head because Ithought about all the research
that I was doing around nudephotos.
I thought about young middleand high school girls that were
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telling me that they wanted tobe asked for nude photos because
it validated who they are, andso it clicked with me.
Oh my gosh, my five-year-old iswalking in on me and I'm not
dressed.
Normally, old Mandy would justshoo him out of here and be like
get out, I'm changing.
New Mandy thought that's ateachable moment with my
five-year-old.
I don't need to overexpose him,but I can literally have a
(06:11):
conversation with him about hey,bubba, you see that family iPad
.
It takes pictures.
What if you would have taken apicture of mommy without clothes
on?
Bubba, we never take picturesof people without clothes on.
(06:31):
So from now on, we're not goingto bring the phone into the
bathroom, because we don't needphones in bathrooms and, in fact
, anytime we're undressing ortaking a shower, we don't need
any type of camera in there,because we need to have a
boundary in place.
We don't need a camera or aphone in there when we're not
dressed.
(06:51):
That's what I said to myfive-year-old at the time.
Now, what did I do there?
I actually created a boundaryin his mind that when you're
undressing, you don't havescreens present, and so those
kinds of teachable moments arewhat we need to be teaching at
five years old to prevent thenude photos at 15 and 16 and 17.
But we're missing it because wedon't realize that we need to
(07:14):
teach these guidelines beforethey get a phone, and so, again,
you need to when they actuallydo earn a phone.
You need to go over all of this.
Hey, remember, we don't havephones in bathrooms.
This is why we don't takepictures of naked people.
We don't have phones in thebedrooms.
We don't have phones behindclosed doors.
(07:34):
I also love the no phones inbedrooms at night.
I love this conversationbecause one it's scientific,
like the American PediatricAssociation even says you should
turn off screens 30 to 60minutes before bedtime.
Your mind needs time todecompress before you go to
sleep.
The other thing too it's justscience that we need a good
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amount of sleep to function thenext morning.
If you've ever had a kid who isscrolling in the middle of the
night, they may be performingbadly in school, they may not be
a good athlete, whatever it is,because they can barely
function because they're notgetting sleep.
What we want to do is instillin our kids that they understand
how important that is, so thatthey make healthy choices with
(08:19):
their phones.
So when you're giving your kida phone, it's the perfect time
to create a phone contract andgo over all these guidelines
that you've already implementedin your home for years, some
other guidelines we had we haveno phones at meals, no phones
behind closed doors and justconversation around it Like.
(08:41):
One of the things I've alwayssaid to my kids is your phone is
not a diary.
Anything you snap, post andshare can be uncovered.
Anything can be screenshot orrecorded by another phone from a
friend, and so nothing is everreally private.
I've also, you know, we've hadFBI cases where they can uncover
disappearing pictures and so,just reminding your kids of that
(09:05):
, nothing ever really disappearswith technology, so your phone
just should never be a diary.
One of the things that I wouldsay was, if you don't want a
parent, pastor or teacher to see, don't do it on your phone.
Just a good one-liner to helpyour kids understand the
importance of that.
And so you're going to continueall of that, but you're going
(09:26):
to lay this out for them whenthey get that first phone and
you're going to create thoseguidelines and expectations.
One thing I want to say aboutthis say, your kid is 13, 14, or
15, and you're giving them aphone and you're rolling out
these guidelines for them.
Don't get stuck in yourguidelines, because what is a
guideline for a 14-year-old maynot be a guideline for a
(09:49):
17-year-old.
I almost missed this, so I wantto make sure that I'm passing
on what I've learned here.
I remember looking at my husbandone day when my daughter was 17
and a half and she was gettingready to go to college in six
months, and I looked at him andsaid oh, she's never had a phone
(10:10):
in her bedroom at night ever,and so we're going to send her
off to college and her firsttime in a dorm room is going to
be when she has that phone atnight.
So we caught her doingsomething amazing.
She confided in us aboutsomething and she earned her
phone in her bedroom at night,but this was six months before
she was getting ready to go tocollege.
I do not advocate that foryounger kids and you can't give
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more freedom if they're lying toyou.
So we had had no problems.
We had still been doing youknow random phone checks and
making sure and she was talkingto us and all the things.
There were no red flags.
So she was earning more freedomby getting her phone in her
bedroom at night.
But that prepared her forcollege, for being out of our
home and by herself and what itfeels like to have a phone at
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night and just to be an advocatefor yourself, that you have to
choose to turn it off and stopscrolling, instead of mom or dad
telling you to shut it off.
Those are the kinds of techdecisions that we want our kids
to make.
So this number two create clearguidelines and expectations are
really, really important toimplement when they're first
getting a phone.
So number one explain why yourkid earned it, so, so important.
(11:20):
Number two create clearguidelines and expectations.
Number three is this your kidsare going to be exposed on a
phone, so you have to monitorand talk.
Now, here's what I mean by that.
If you don't want to say thewords pornography, sexuality,
sextortion to your kids, they'renot ready for a phone because
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they're going to be exposed toall of that.
So we have to make sure thatwe're saying those words.
If the kid is getting a phoneand listen, I say this monitor
and talk, monitor and talk.
I'm all for random phone checks, being up in their business,
especially at first.
(12:05):
You're going to be up in theirbusiness a lot at first when
they first get a phone and then,as you learn to trust them, you
won't have to check as often.
Right?
We use the analogy of a kite.
We're letting the string out.
They fly, they may make amistake.
You reel it in and then youteach the teachable moment and
then you let out the stringagain.
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You let them have more freedomas they earn back the trust.
So you're going to be doing allthese random phone checks.
You're going to be settingparental restrictions.
You're going to have theirpasswords.
That's all part of thatmonitoring piece.
It's all good, but with everyone of those there's loopholes.
Restrictions are good, but it'sreally about that relationship.
(12:50):
So this third point when I saymonitor and talk, the monitor is
just part of it.
The talk is the bigger portionand again, we have so many
resources here at Next Talk.
If you do not have one of ourfamily packs, download that this
gets your kids.
(13:11):
It outlines what areexpectations of you to report to
us.
It also has expectations ofparents on there saying we're
not going to go crazy parentmode.
We're going to stay calm whenyou tell us things, and so it's
a two-way street on those familypackets and this is a new
resource that we've created thatwe want you to use and utilize.
(13:32):
Christmas break and New Year'sis the perfect opportunity.
You're going to have time offof school, more family time.
It's a great time to reset thecommunication in your home.
So, especially if your kids aregetting a phone for the first
time, you have the phonecontract resource and you have
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these new family packs that youcan come together and be like
okay, we just need to be, we'reon the same page here.
These are the kinds of topicsthat we're going to be talking
about and I need you reportingto me.
So you're getting your kid aphone, you're wrapping it up.
Three suggestions that I havefor you.
Explain why your kid earned it.
(14:15):
Look your kid in the face.
Write them a letter and saythis is why.
Because you're confiding in meabout this, this and this.
You told me about this, thisand this.
Two create clear guidelines andexpectations.
Get that phone contract andnumber three.
Monitor and talk.
Get those family packs and be ahousehold and a family that is
(14:39):
committed to open communicationwhere no topic is off limits.
Make a donation today atnexttalkorg.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
Next Talk.
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