January 27, 2025 • 23 mins
Pastor Robert Emmitt is back. He grew a church from 0 to tens of thousands and raised three successful kids while doing it. We sat down with him because we wanted to know – what leadership qualities make successful parents? You do not want to miss the wisdom and practical advice dropped in this podcast!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to the Next Talk podcast.
We are a nonprofit passionateabout keeping kids safe online.
We're learning together how tonavigate tech, culture and faith
with our kids.
We have Pastor Robert Emmettback on the show today.
Robert and Julie were thefounding family behind Community
Bible Church in San Antonio,texas.
(00:22):
Robert, we're so glad to haveyou back.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
It's a pleasure to be back.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
Mandy, Thanks for having me Today we are talking
about leadership, leadershipqualities.
You know, whenever I present toparents, I always say to them
you are the leaders in your homeand the culture in your home
will not change unless youchange it.
(00:47):
Right, that's a good word.
I want you to tell us what doyou look for in a leader?
Because and this could beapplied to your career, business
, whatever but we also have tobe thinking about these
qualities in a good leader inthe home.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
First one that comes to my mind is humility.
The Bible says whoever exaltshimself will be humbled, but
whoever humbles himself will beexalted.
So you know that leadership ofsaying, you know the sermon I've
used to preach and everybody'sjoy, j-o-y, think about Jesus,
others and then yourself andmost of us, it's Y and J and O
(01:27):
or something.
But humility to realize you'renot an expert, you're not the
pro, and you make mistakes.
And humility says when I messup, I apologize to my wife or my
children.
You know when I do somethingwrong.
We never had a double standardIf I told my kids I don't know
if this is legal or not, but weused to spank them on the rear
(01:49):
end, you know, for not gooddeeds, not nothing bad.
But one time I was.
I told them I got tired ofleaving their clothes on the
landing on the stairs.
I said the next person thatleaves their clothes when they
go upstairs you're going to geta swat on the rear end and okay,
it's fair enough.
And a little bit later I ran upthe stairs and I did my,
whatever I was doing, then cameback down and Heather said dad.
(02:13):
I said yeah.
She said do you know what youjust did.
I said yeah, I went upstairsfor something.
She says no, you left yourclothes on the stairs.
And I said ah.
She says, and you said whoeverdoes gets a squat.
I said you're right.
So I gave her the paddle andshe walked me through the old
(02:33):
routine.
You know put your hands on theon the couch.
You know now why am I going tospank you?
And I said because I didn'ttake my clothes up and I knew
the rules.
So she said okay.
She said I love you.
I said I love you too, heather.
She laid into me and I neverforgot my clothes on the stairs,
ever again.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
Don't you love when kids humble you like that you
think you're creating rules forthem and they're calling you out
on your stuff?
Speaker 2 (02:58):
And they'll do it.
And that's one of those.
You got that split second tosay, well, I'm a grown up or I'm
, you know, it's my car, I'll dothe way I want.
You know, when you tell yourkids don't text and drive, and
then you catch yourself, youknow, doing that little meh.
And then when they call you,just hands up, hey, guilty as
charged, I'm sorry.
Ice cream for everybody orsomething like that.
So, parenting, if you'll behumble and, you know, admit your
(03:21):
mistakes mistakes becauseeverybody knows you make them
You're the only one that won'tadmit it.
Mom knows it, or dad knows it,Kids know it, Neighbors know it.
So you guys will just say, look, I messed up, I overreacted,
I'm sorry, Please forgive me.
And I found children are veryforgiving.
So that would be the firstthing.
(03:41):
Second thing is you can say doas I say, it not as I do, but
they're going to do as you do.
That's just a rule of life.
So whatever you don't want themto do, then you don't do it.
You know, if you don't wantthem to cuss, you don't cuss.
They still might cuss, but youknow at least they're not
cussing because you were theirexample.
Proverbs was it 22,?
Six, train up a child in theway they should go when he's
(04:03):
older.
They will not part from it.
And that's that guiding thing.
You know, as I've told you lasttime, you know you're zero to
12, you're their authority, 12to 18, you're their advisor.
18 and beyond, you're theirfriend.
And those crucial years ofadvising it's saying look, you
(04:30):
know, you got a decision to make.
Here's option A, here's optionB, here's where this one's going
to take you and that one'sgoing to take you, but your
choice and I support whateveryou do and you give them that
freedom to grow up and takeresponsibility for it.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
Make mistakes, feel their mistakes.
I think it's important.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
Some people are just so quick to solve their kids'
mistakes.
You missed the point.
If they messed up, they forgotthe homework or didn't study for
the test or whatever, then theygo, apologize or do whatever
the teacher makes them do.
Speaker 1 (04:55):
Well and I think an apology just goes so far to
build a relationship, to buildthe culture at work that you're
wanting to create, whatever itis, whatever kind of leader you
are, it just breaks downbarriers for people.
Speaker 2 (05:03):
A few weeks ago I preached at Christmas Church and
they were finishing up the bookof Ephesians and he said we'll
give you Ephesians 5, 19 through610 or something like that.
And I read it.
I said oh.
I called him up and said man,you're giving me the easy stuff
marriage, family and work.
What do you want me to focus on?
He said all three.
(05:24):
I said you know all three.
One is a six-week series, hesaid I know.
But he said you know, if Godcan say it in 22 words, maybe
you can say it in 30 minutes.
So I gave it my shot.
I didn't quite hit the 30-minutemark, but on the parenting
piece it was funny becauseEphesians, it says children,
obey your parents.
(05:44):
For this is pleasing to theLord.
It's the first command with apromise you live a long, happy
life if you respect and obeyyour parents.
And I said and then the secondpart is fathers, don't aggravate
your children, don't provokethem to anger, rather nurture
them, mentor them in the fearand admonition of the Lord.
And then I joked, I says, ifyou'll notice, there's no
(06:07):
command here for the mothers.
And everybody started laughing.
I'd already talked about themothers.
Wives are submissively superiorto their husbands and we all
know it.
But I said mothers, you know,god wired you to nurture.
You know what to do.
I said but the fathers we tendto irritate and poke and prod
until we drive them crazy.
So I had a good time on that.
(06:28):
But I told the kids.
I said how simple is yourinstruction Do what your parents
say.
I said try something this week.
I said do it.
The first time they tell you todo it, I said watch the look on
their face.
Maybe they pass out.
Who knows what happens.
But when they say do this andyou just get up and do it, Say
yes, ma'am, or yes, sir, or youjust do it, I said you'll be
(06:48):
shocked at how your parents'attitude change and you'll also
be shocked at how much morefreedom you get by doing what
your parents say the first timeyou say to do it.
So I haven't gotten any resultsback from parents saying oh,
thank you for that message.
My child has obeyed us, andflawlessly since.
But I mean, that's the rules.
And then for dads I always usethat thing.
(07:09):
You know, don't be the dad thatsays you know, it's a nice
single, but if you'd have run alittle harder you could have
gotten a double.
You know, hey look, dad, I gotfive A's and one B.
Well, if you'd have worked alittle harder, you could have
had six A's.
You know just in those dads thatalways raise the bar and then
the child's about to hit it.
All right, terry.
Well, do this always.
So learn to say well done mychild, proud of you, happy for
(07:31):
you, great job.
Speaker 1 (07:33):
I think that's a really important word there for,
as a leader, to recognize thework and not always you could do
better, you could do better.
I think that that's a real goodword for us as parents, cause I
think it also in this, in thisculture we're we're taught that
just improve, improve,continuous improvement all the
(07:53):
time.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
I acknowledge it.
You just hit me with somethingthat I was thinking.
Number one rule for dads is andit's for leaders too, everybody
.
But it's praise publicly,correct privately.
And you know, even watchingdads it feels like you know
Lisa's playing soccer and yousee dads out there trying to
(08:15):
tell their son or daughter youknow what to do and do this and
kick it all of it.
Just let them play and have fun.
It's a game.
You know, when your childrenmess up, you just quietly, you
know, smile and then when you'realone with them, say, hey, you
know you kind of messed up backthere.
You know, correct themprivately and praise them
publicly.
Don't correct them in front ofeverybody else and embarrass
(08:36):
them in front of their friends,or you'll discover your kids
never want to bring theirfriends over to the house.
Speaker 1 (08:41):
Okay.
So I think that's a really goodword, because we would not want
to be embarrassed in front ofpeople either.
You know, like if our, if ourkids have friends over at the
house and our kid says to like,say, my son says to me mom,
please stop doing that, and thatis so embarrassing in front of
everybody, that would, thatwould humiliate me.
(09:04):
But but but, son, you havefreedom to pull me aside and be
like mom.
I need you to stop doing thisin private.
It's that respect thing.
You're showing respect Like Ineed to be honest here.
This is not okay.
Please don't do that.
But it's a respectful kind ofon the side thing instead of
calling each other out in frontof everyone thing.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
Instead of calling each other out in front of
everyone.
It's a lot easier to say yougot a minute, yeah, let's take
the trash out together.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
I love that point.
That's a good leadershipquality.
That is a good leadershipquality.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
What else for leadership qualities?
Let them exceed your abilities.
Be happy, and Jesus said it.
He said the things that I do,you'll also do, and greater
things will you do, because I'mgoing to the Father.
Let your leaders let yourpeople under you beat you.
Let them surpass you.
If you're a parent playing games, let your children win.
(09:54):
If you're racing them, let themwin the race.
If you're shooting baskets, youknow, let them win the horse
game.
Whatever.
Let them win.
And you know you're a 180-poundman and you just beat your
eight-year-old in a game.
What honor is that?
What good is that?
Good for you?
Way to go, old man.
You've still got it with theeight-year-old.
I mean, let them win.
(10:15):
And then when they say, wereyou playing your hardest?
And you know, yeah, I waspretty close to it you just kind
of go easy.
But you know, when you let themwin, it's amazing.
I got this is a fresh storyMicah.
He's the nine-year-old secondto the youngest grand, but he's
super smart, gifted and talented, just one of those kids, that's
(10:35):
just.
You know, when you got it, yougot it.
But he's really nice and humbleabout it.
But he started playing chessand he called me up and said I
want you to download chesscom.
I'm on the chess team, he's inthird grade.
And I said, yeah, I'll play,that's how we play.
And you know we're playing andI'm making my moves and I hear
this ooh, pops, that wasn't agood move.
(10:56):
And you know okay.
And I moved to another one.
Well, pops, did you know I wasgoing to take your queen?
Well, no, I didn't.
He said are you doing this onpurpose?
I said no, I was just playingyou at my grandfather level.
I didn't know you were thisgood.
So I started playing him alittle harder, a little harder.
I made the little stinker.
I mean he beat me.
And he said I really beat you.
(11:17):
I said yes, you really beat me.
And then the second time and Icalled Brianna, I said how long
has he been playing chess?
And she said exactly one weektonight.
I said you're kidding.
I said he's got moves andstrategies and I asked him.
I said how do you?
He said just when they explainhow the pieces move and what
they do, I just I understood it.
(11:39):
You know he looks at the boardand sees all the pieces.
And we were there and I playedhim.
We just almost nonstop everyevening, you know, just playing
chess and oh, it was fun.
But you know, he said are youreally letting me win?
I said yep, I'm really lettingyou win.
(12:00):
Then, when he got me intostalemate, I said do you know
what a stalemate?
I said do you know what astalemate is?
He said yes, sir, it means youdidn't win and I didn't lose.
But let your kids win in yourbusiness place.
You know, when somebody exceedsyou, don't tell them how you
could have done it that way, youknow, 20 years ago.
Just say, man, you know, I'm soproud of you.
Yeah, just like the old saying,if you're the best person at
the table, then you've made amistake.
(12:20):
If you're the smartest personat the table and you're in
charge of it, you made a mistake.
So you hire people, you trainthem, you empower them and then,
when they succeed, you justcelebrate with them.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
That's a word, that's a word, right there, for sure.
What else?
Speaker 2 (12:35):
Celebrate the wins.
Whenever you hit the goal orthe mark, you just celebrate.
And if you come pretty close toit, celebrate anyway.
I mean, people love a partybetter than a.
You know, powwow just asorrowful thing.
So celebrate the wins, dowhat's best for the organization
.
And if you're in the family,your family's the organization,
(12:55):
so do what's best for yourorganization.
You know, if you're up for atransfer and your kids are
juniors or seniors in highschool, you know you tell the
boss, you know we can do it in ayear or two, or you let your
children stay with a cousin or afriend and finish their school.
I mean, you think what's notwhat's best for me, but it's
what's best for the family.
It's not what's best for me,it's what's best for the company
(13:17):
.
And if you keep that attitude,you'll always keep in balance.
When you start thinking it'sall about you and you've been
here for six months, you oughtto have a place at the board
table by now.
It doesn't work that way.
Just think and do what's bestfor the organization.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
Well, those last couple that you mentioned, they
all tie back into humility.
They all tie back because it'snot about you, it's in surround
yourself with smarter people and, you know, let let more people
to surpass you.
All of those are humilitythings, and it was the first
thing that you mentioned when westarted talking about
leadership.
Speaker 2 (13:53):
I mean when you think about it and you really let it
sink in, jesus said the thingsthat I do, you also shall do,
and greater things shall I dobecause I go to the Father and
for three years they've beenhanging out with Jesus.
He's been doing all the work.
They're just kind of, you know,assistants, and then when the
Holy Spirit comes and the nextthing, you know they're, you
know healing, raising lamepeople and incredible things.
(14:15):
But he's right.
I mean the goal isn't for youto be the leader all the time.
The goal is for you to be theleader.
Go down and pick up, you know,your son or daughter or your
employees, take them back withyou up and get them there and
then, when it exceeds you, letthem go.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
And cheer them on.
That's great.
That's great.
Anything else for leadership?
Speaker 2 (14:34):
I would say this is a hard one, but don't take
everything personally.
You know, if somebody quitsyour company and goes somewhere
else, it stings and you'llalways be the reason, just like
a pastor.
Whenever somebody leaves thechurch, it's always my fault,
you know.
It's never them or anythingelse, it's always.
You know Robert did this orthat, and in business it's the
same thing.
(14:55):
But try not to take it personal.
It's almost impossible not todo thing, but try not to take it
personal.
It's almost impossible not todo.
But if you do, if you take itpersonal, then you're going to
get bitter about it and thinkman, I did this and this and
this for them, and then this isthe way they show their thanks.
It's easy to get cynical reallyquick and when that happens you
only ruin your life and nobodyelse's.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
Can we talk about that in a perspective of a
parent with a prodigal, BecauseI think that happens a lot too.
You have a prodigal or a kidreally struggling and it becomes
all about you and not prayingfor the child, Can we?
Speaker 2 (15:29):
Yeah, there comes a point where you train your kids,
you teach them, you model it,you get them around churches and
friends and coaches.
You do everything you can toraise them, but they're still a
human being with all the rightsand privileges thereof, make
their own decisions.
And when they make the wrongones, as a parent, you know,
you're hurt, you ache, you cry,you pray, you suggest, you
(15:50):
suggest, you suggest, you tryeverything you can.
You know, and sometimes theyjust flat out don't do what you
know was the right thing to do.
And when they don't, you know,like the prodigal son's dad, he
didn't go chasing after him andyou know whether probably just I
mean, like I always tell peopleI said, any father that gives
the troublemaker child hisinheritance, making a big
(16:14):
mistake right there.
But I think Jesus was trying toget a point across.
You know there's some people.
They don't care what you do,give me what's mine, I'm out of
here and they blow it on a worldof whatever they think is going
to satisfy them and it's empty.
They come back broken andhumbled and I like the father
because he did run after himwhen he saw him coming back.
He did not run after him whenhe walked away.
(16:34):
Man, that's another.
I've never said that before.
Mandy the prodigal son's daddid not run after his son when
he left, but he did run afterhis son when he came back.
Man, I need to write that down.
That's a sermon, right there.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
That is because you got to let him go and you got to
let him fail and welcome himwith open arms when they see the
light.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:01):
And you know, and sometimes that's a generation,
sometimes they don't ever comeback and those are heartbreakers
too.
But a lot of times they do comeback and those are the ones you
just say you know, no,remembering the past.
Go back to your love chapter in1 Corinthians 13.
Love doesn't remember a wrongsuffered.
Welcome them back with openarms.
(17:21):
And you know your children andthey're getting all kind of
stuff pumped into them throughmusic and media and social media
and schools and stuff like that, and a lot of times they make
bad decisions and you try tosteer them out of it.
And when they don't steer, youknow they get hurt and burned
and something happens and you'rethere for them.
(17:42):
You don't fix their problem.
You don't say, come on back,I'll pay for all your mistakes.
You say, come on back, I'll payfor all your mistakes.
You say, come on back, I loveyou just as much now as I ever
did.
And let's go forward.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
That's the way you fix it.
I think you know the letting gois hard and I know when I first
started Next Talk and you knowwas realizing everything our
kids were up against online andall the dangers that that the
technology presented and how Iwas going to parent it and how
Matt and I were going to figureall this out together.
(18:13):
One of the things that keptgoing off in my mind over and
over was when my kids leave hereat 18 and I'm no longer the you
know, the parent, I move intofriend, friend, where I'm just
the advisor and they can go dowhatever decisions they want.
I want at that 18th move out tofeel like I've done everything
(18:35):
in my power to disciple and pushthis kid to Jesus, like point
them to Jesus and model that forthem in their life, and I want
to be exhausted from it.
I want to be totally exhaustedand I think you know talking
about the prodigal and thenlooking back.
Like you said, if you've doneeverything you can, you got to
let them go and there is still ahuman being and they still may
(18:59):
choose the wrong thing, even ifyou do everything right.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:03):
Everything right, and I think that's such a word.
But it is also a reminder thatwe are given 18 years with our
kids and these leadershipqualities matter in those 18
years because they will shapethat kid.
Speaker 2 (19:18):
Yeah, I was preaching on the marriage, work and
family, on the fathers that saidmentor your children and I told
them pretty much what I do toeverybody.
I said the number one sellingdevotional book in the world
it's sold billions of copies iscalled the Book of Proverbs.
And I said, yeah, I know it'ssold billions because it's part
of the Bible, but it's still thedevotion 31 chapters, 31 days.
(19:42):
And when you're reading throughthat chapter you know chapter a
day.
You know for 18 years.
Your kids are going to pick itup.
You know it's not just a one anddone, it's just what you get
out of Proverbs today.
What'd you get out of it?
You know yesterday and thatsort of thing.
It's just that constant as yougo and it's not a full blown
lecture.
Take out your pen and paper andwrite down what I say.
It's just kind of that.
(20:03):
You know, like Jesus said, asyou go make disciples, you know
as you live your life.
So you know in Proverbs I'vetold people man, there's some
great verses in there, there'ssome also some scary ones.
But you know, when your kidsfilter through it every month
it'll sink in.
But you got to filter throughit.
I mean can't be a one monthdeal and then be done with it.
(20:24):
It's got to be a regular.
This is what we're going to talkabout driving to school today.
What did you get out ofProverbs?
And let them talk.
Speaker 1 (20:31):
Well, what I like about you've always instilled
that with us and we've done thattoo, or read a Proverbs a day
and as Like, that's kind of whatwe would do.
And what was cool about that is, if we missed a day or you know
the day we have practices acouple of days and we don't have
(20:53):
there, you're still doing it,you're not missing anything, you
just go to the next day.
And it was a very practical wayto stay in the word, because
when you're working through aworkbook or a Bible study, when
you get behind, then you justare like okay, I'm behind, I'm
done, but this, this is a verypractical tool that I think is
important.
Speaker 2 (21:13):
Well, that's you know , that's what God tells the
father to mentor the children.
It's a dad's job.
Moms do it naturally.
Dads, apparently, we don't doit naturally.
So God has to remind us yourjob is not to irritate your
child but to raise them up inthe fear and correction of the
Lord.
So that's it.
Try to be a cool dad, not thebest friend dad, but a cool dad,
(21:35):
not judgmental.
Don't blow up.
That's another thing on theparenting is avoid this.
Look, whenever your child sayssomething, if they tell you what
happened or what so-and-so did,or what they've declared or
whatever, don't go.
Just say really, you know, tellme more about it.
Just talk as quick as you can.
Get into conversation mode, getout of shock mode, because if
(21:57):
they tell you what's going onand you're shocked all the time,
that's when you get the oh, notmuch.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
We call that crazy parent mode at Next Talk.
We don't go into crazy parentmode.
You have to remain calm.
In fact, I just left a schooland I've got parents and kids
signing a pact and the firstthing on that family covenant is
the parents are promisingthey're not going to go crazy
parent mode and then underneaththat I have students who they're
(22:25):
promising to tell their parentsabout all these things and we
list them out, but it's atwo-way street.
It's that communication.
Speaker 2 (22:32):
Well, you're doing it , you're making disciples, mandy
.
Speaker 1 (22:35):
Yeah, well, I really appreciate the leadership step.
I think this was really goodjust walking through.
There's so many good nuggetshere about leading in our home
and the quality and just beingthe good model for our kids.
Behind closed doors too, let'sjust be honest, Because
sometimes you see a lot of goodleaders in public, a lot of good
(22:55):
parents on Facebook, but arethey real authentic, living it
out in daily life?
And I think that's reallyimportant too.
Speaker 2 (23:05):
Yeah, you're right on the mark with that.
Speaker 1 (23:07):
Model it out, all right, anything else for us?
Speaker 2 (23:11):
Not right now.
Call me anytime, I'll get mypicture just right.
Next time I'll take you to thefall picture right there, oh
cool.
Speaker 3 (23:22):
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Next Talk resources are notintended to replace the advice
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(23:42):
personal treatment plan.
Welcome to the Next Talk podcast.
We are a nonprofit passionateabout keeping kids safe online.
We're learning together how tonavigate tech, culture and faith
with our kids.
We have Pastor Robert Emmettback on the show today.
Robert and Julie were thefounding family behind Community
Bible Church in San Antonio,texas.
(00:22):
Robert, we're so glad to haveyou back.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
It's a pleasure to be back.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
Mandy, Thanks for having me Today we are talking
about leadership, leadershipqualities.
You know, whenever I present toparents, I always say to them
you are the leaders in your homeand the culture in your home
will not change unless youchange it.
(00:47):
Right, that's a good word.
I want you to tell us what doyou look for in a leader?
Because and this could beapplied to your career, business
, whatever but we also have tobe thinking about these
qualities in a good leader inthe home.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
First one that comes to my mind is humility.
The Bible says whoever exaltshimself will be humbled, but
whoever humbles himself will beexalted.
So you know that leadership ofsaying, you know the sermon I've
used to preach and everybody'sjoy, j-o-y, think about Jesus,
others and then yourself andmost of us, it's Y and J and O
(01:27):
or something.
But humility to realize you'renot an expert, you're not the
pro, and you make mistakes.
And humility says when I messup, I apologize to my wife or my
children.
You know when I do somethingwrong.
We never had a double standardIf I told my kids I don't know
if this is legal or not, but weused to spank them on the rear
(01:49):
end, you know, for not gooddeeds, not nothing bad.
But one time I was.
I told them I got tired ofleaving their clothes on the
landing on the stairs.
I said the next person thatleaves their clothes when they
go upstairs you're going to geta swat on the rear end and okay,
it's fair enough.
And a little bit later I ran upthe stairs and I did my,
whatever I was doing, then cameback down and Heather said dad.
(02:13):
I said yeah.
She said do you know what youjust did.
I said yeah, I went upstairsfor something.
She says no, you left yourclothes on the stairs.
And I said ah.
She says, and you said whoeverdoes gets a squat.
I said you're right.
So I gave her the paddle andshe walked me through the old
(02:33):
routine.
You know put your hands on theon the couch.
You know now why am I going tospank you?
And I said because I didn'ttake my clothes up and I knew
the rules.
So she said okay.
She said I love you.
I said I love you too, heather.
She laid into me and I neverforgot my clothes on the stairs,
ever again.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
Don't you love when kids humble you like that you
think you're creating rules forthem and they're calling you out
on your stuff?
Speaker 2 (02:58):
And they'll do it.
And that's one of those.
You got that split second tosay, well, I'm a grown up or I'm
, you know, it's my car, I'll dothe way I want.
You know, when you tell yourkids don't text and drive, and
then you catch yourself, youknow, doing that little meh.
And then when they call you,just hands up, hey, guilty as
charged, I'm sorry.
Ice cream for everybody orsomething like that.
So, parenting, if you'll behumble and, you know, admit your
(03:21):
mistakes mistakes becauseeverybody knows you make them
You're the only one that won'tadmit it.
Mom knows it, or dad knows it,Kids know it, Neighbors know it.
So you guys will just say, look, I messed up, I overreacted,
I'm sorry, Please forgive me.
And I found children are veryforgiving.
So that would be the firstthing.
(03:41):
Second thing is you can say doas I say, it not as I do, but
they're going to do as you do.
That's just a rule of life.
So whatever you don't want themto do, then you don't do it.
You know, if you don't wantthem to cuss, you don't cuss.
They still might cuss, but youknow at least they're not
cussing because you were theirexample.
Proverbs was it 22,?
Six, train up a child in theway they should go when he's
(04:03):
older.
They will not part from it.
And that's that guiding thing.
You know, as I've told you lasttime, you know you're zero to
12, you're their authority, 12to 18, you're their advisor.
18 and beyond, you're theirfriend.
And those crucial years ofadvising it's saying look, you
(04:30):
know, you got a decision to make.
Here's option A, here's optionB, here's where this one's going
to take you and that one'sgoing to take you, but your
choice and I support whateveryou do and you give them that
freedom to grow up and takeresponsibility for it.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
Make mistakes, feel their mistakes.
I think it's important.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
Some people are just so quick to solve their kids'
mistakes.
You missed the point.
If they messed up, they forgotthe homework or didn't study for
the test or whatever, then theygo, apologize or do whatever
the teacher makes them do.
Speaker 1 (04:55):
Well and I think an apology just goes so far to
build a relationship, to buildthe culture at work that you're
wanting to create, whatever itis, whatever kind of leader you
are, it just breaks downbarriers for people.
Speaker 2 (05:03):
A few weeks ago I preached at Christmas Church and
they were finishing up the bookof Ephesians and he said we'll
give you Ephesians 5, 19 through610 or something like that.
And I read it.
I said oh.
I called him up and said man,you're giving me the easy stuff
marriage, family and work.
What do you want me to focus on?
He said all three.
(05:24):
I said you know all three.
One is a six-week series, hesaid I know.
But he said you know, if Godcan say it in 22 words, maybe
you can say it in 30 minutes.
So I gave it my shot.
I didn't quite hit the 30-minutemark, but on the parenting
piece it was funny becauseEphesians, it says children,
obey your parents.
(05:44):
For this is pleasing to theLord.
It's the first command with apromise you live a long, happy
life if you respect and obeyyour parents.
And I said and then the secondpart is fathers, don't aggravate
your children, don't provokethem to anger, rather nurture
them, mentor them in the fearand admonition of the Lord.
And then I joked, I says, ifyou'll notice, there's no
(06:07):
command here for the mothers.
And everybody started laughing.
I'd already talked about themothers.
Wives are submissively superiorto their husbands and we all
know it.
But I said mothers, you know,god wired you to nurture.
You know what to do.
I said but the fathers we tendto irritate and poke and prod
until we drive them crazy.
So I had a good time on that.
(06:28):
But I told the kids.
I said how simple is yourinstruction Do what your parents
say.
I said try something this week.
I said do it.
The first time they tell you todo it, I said watch the look on
their face.
Maybe they pass out.
Who knows what happens.
But when they say do this andyou just get up and do it, Say
yes, ma'am, or yes, sir, or youjust do it, I said you'll be
(06:48):
shocked at how your parents'attitude change and you'll also
be shocked at how much morefreedom you get by doing what
your parents say the first timeyou say to do it.
So I haven't gotten any resultsback from parents saying oh,
thank you for that message.
My child has obeyed us, andflawlessly since.
But I mean, that's the rules.
And then for dads I always usethat thing.
(07:09):
You know, don't be the dad thatsays you know, it's a nice
single, but if you'd have run alittle harder you could have
gotten a double.
You know, hey look, dad, I gotfive A's and one B.
Well, if you'd have worked alittle harder, you could have
had six A's.
You know just in those dads thatalways raise the bar and then
the child's about to hit it.
All right, terry.
Well, do this always.
So learn to say well done mychild, proud of you, happy for
(07:31):
you, great job.
Speaker 1 (07:33):
I think that's a really important word there for,
as a leader, to recognize thework and not always you could do
better, you could do better.
I think that that's a real goodword for us as parents, cause I
think it also in this, in thisculture we're we're taught that
just improve, improve,continuous improvement all the
(07:53):
time.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
I acknowledge it.
You just hit me with somethingthat I was thinking.
Number one rule for dads is andit's for leaders too, everybody
.
But it's praise publicly,correct privately.
And you know, even watchingdads it feels like you know
Lisa's playing soccer and yousee dads out there trying to
(08:15):
tell their son or daughter youknow what to do and do this and
kick it all of it.
Just let them play and have fun.
It's a game.
You know, when your childrenmess up, you just quietly, you
know, smile and then when you'realone with them, say, hey, you
know you kind of messed up backthere.
You know, correct themprivately and praise them
publicly.
Don't correct them in front ofeverybody else and embarrass
(08:36):
them in front of their friends,or you'll discover your kids
never want to bring theirfriends over to the house.
Speaker 1 (08:41):
Okay.
So I think that's a really goodword, because we would not want
to be embarrassed in front ofpeople either.
You know, like if our, if ourkids have friends over at the
house and our kid says to like,say, my son says to me mom,
please stop doing that, and thatis so embarrassing in front of
everybody, that would, thatwould humiliate me.
(09:04):
But but but, son, you havefreedom to pull me aside and be
like mom.
I need you to stop doing thisin private.
It's that respect thing.
You're showing respect Like Ineed to be honest here.
This is not okay.
Please don't do that.
But it's a respectful kind ofon the side thing instead of
calling each other out in frontof everyone thing.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
Instead of calling each other out in front of
everyone.
It's a lot easier to say yougot a minute, yeah, let's take
the trash out together.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
I love that point.
That's a good leadershipquality.
That is a good leadershipquality.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
What else for leadership qualities?
Let them exceed your abilities.
Be happy, and Jesus said it.
He said the things that I do,you'll also do, and greater
things will you do, because I'mgoing to the Father.
Let your leaders let yourpeople under you beat you.
Let them surpass you.
If you're a parent playing games, let your children win.
(09:54):
If you're racing them, let themwin the race.
If you're shooting baskets, youknow, let them win the horse
game.
Whatever.
Let them win.
And you know you're a 180-poundman and you just beat your
eight-year-old in a game.
What honor is that?
What good is that?
Good for you?
Way to go, old man.
You've still got it with theeight-year-old.
I mean, let them win.
(10:15):
And then when they say, wereyou playing your hardest?
And you know, yeah, I waspretty close to it you just kind
of go easy.
But you know, when you let themwin, it's amazing.
I got this is a fresh storyMicah.
He's the nine-year-old secondto the youngest grand, but he's
super smart, gifted and talented, just one of those kids, that's
(10:35):
just.
You know, when you got it, yougot it.
But he's really nice and humbleabout it.
But he started playing chessand he called me up and said I
want you to download chesscom.
I'm on the chess team, he's inthird grade.
And I said, yeah, I'll play,that's how we play.
And you know we're playing andI'm making my moves and I hear
this ooh, pops, that wasn't agood move.
(10:56):
And you know okay.
And I moved to another one.
Well, pops, did you know I wasgoing to take your queen?
Well, no, I didn't.
He said are you doing this onpurpose?
I said no, I was just playingyou at my grandfather level.
I didn't know you were thisgood.
So I started playing him alittle harder, a little harder.
I made the little stinker.
I mean he beat me.
And he said I really beat you.
(11:17):
I said yes, you really beat me.
And then the second time and Icalled Brianna, I said how long
has he been playing chess?
And she said exactly one weektonight.
I said you're kidding.
I said he's got moves andstrategies and I asked him.
I said how do you?
He said just when they explainhow the pieces move and what
they do, I just I understood it.
(11:39):
You know he looks at the boardand sees all the pieces.
And we were there and I playedhim.
We just almost nonstop everyevening, you know, just playing
chess and oh, it was fun.
But you know, he said are youreally letting me win?
I said yep, I'm really lettingyou win.
(12:00):
Then, when he got me intostalemate, I said do you know
what a stalemate?
I said do you know what astalemate is?
He said yes, sir, it means youdidn't win and I didn't lose.
But let your kids win in yourbusiness place.
You know, when somebody exceedsyou, don't tell them how you
could have done it that way, youknow, 20 years ago.
Just say, man, you know, I'm soproud of you.
Yeah, just like the old saying,if you're the best person at
the table, then you've made amistake.
(12:20):
If you're the smartest personat the table and you're in
charge of it, you made a mistake.
So you hire people, you trainthem, you empower them and then,
when they succeed, you justcelebrate with them.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
That's a word, that's a word, right there, for sure.
What else?
Speaker 2 (12:35):
Celebrate the wins.
Whenever you hit the goal orthe mark, you just celebrate.
And if you come pretty close toit, celebrate anyway.
I mean, people love a partybetter than a.
You know, powwow just asorrowful thing.
So celebrate the wins, dowhat's best for the organization
.
And if you're in the family,your family's the organization,
(12:55):
so do what's best for yourorganization.
You know, if you're up for atransfer and your kids are
juniors or seniors in highschool, you know you tell the
boss, you know we can do it in ayear or two, or you let your
children stay with a cousin or afriend and finish their school.
I mean, you think what's notwhat's best for me, but it's
what's best for the family.
It's not what's best for me,it's what's best for the company
(13:17):
.
And if you keep that attitude,you'll always keep in balance.
When you start thinking it'sall about you and you've been
here for six months, you oughtto have a place at the board
table by now.
It doesn't work that way.
Just think and do what's bestfor the organization.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
Well, those last couple that you mentioned, they
all tie back into humility.
They all tie back because it'snot about you, it's in surround
yourself with smarter people and, you know, let let more people
to surpass you.
All of those are humilitythings, and it was the first
thing that you mentioned when westarted talking about
leadership.
Speaker 2 (13:53):
I mean when you think about it and you really let it
sink in, jesus said the thingsthat I do, you also shall do,
and greater things shall I dobecause I go to the Father and
for three years they've beenhanging out with Jesus.
He's been doing all the work.
They're just kind of, you know,assistants, and then when the
Holy Spirit comes and the nextthing, you know they're, you
know healing, raising lamepeople and incredible things.
(14:15):
But he's right.
I mean the goal isn't for youto be the leader all the time.
The goal is for you to be theleader.
Go down and pick up, you know,your son or daughter or your
employees, take them back withyou up and get them there and
then, when it exceeds you, letthem go.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
And cheer them on.
That's great.
That's great.
Anything else for leadership?
Speaker 2 (14:34):
I would say this is a hard one, but don't take
everything personally.
You know, if somebody quitsyour company and goes somewhere
else, it stings and you'llalways be the reason, just like
a pastor.
Whenever somebody leaves thechurch, it's always my fault,
you know.
It's never them or anythingelse, it's always.
You know Robert did this orthat, and in business it's the
same thing.
(14:55):
But try not to take it personal.
It's almost impossible not todo thing, but try not to take it
personal.
It's almost impossible not todo.
But if you do, if you take itpersonal, then you're going to
get bitter about it and thinkman, I did this and this and
this for them, and then this isthe way they show their thanks.
It's easy to get cynical reallyquick and when that happens you
only ruin your life and nobodyelse's.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
Can we talk about that in a perspective of a
parent with a prodigal, BecauseI think that happens a lot too.
You have a prodigal or a kidreally struggling and it becomes
all about you and not prayingfor the child, Can we?
Speaker 2 (15:29):
Yeah, there comes a point where you train your kids,
you teach them, you model it,you get them around churches and
friends and coaches.
You do everything you can toraise them, but they're still a
human being with all the rightsand privileges thereof, make
their own decisions.
And when they make the wrongones, as a parent, you know,
you're hurt, you ache, you cry,you pray, you suggest, you
(15:50):
suggest, you suggest, you tryeverything you can.
You know, and sometimes theyjust flat out don't do what you
know was the right thing to do.
And when they don't, you know,like the prodigal son's dad, he
didn't go chasing after him andyou know whether probably just I
mean, like I always tell peopleI said, any father that gives
the troublemaker child hisinheritance, making a big
(16:14):
mistake right there.
But I think Jesus was trying toget a point across.
You know there's some people.
They don't care what you do,give me what's mine, I'm out of
here and they blow it on a worldof whatever they think is going
to satisfy them and it's empty.
They come back broken andhumbled and I like the father
because he did run after himwhen he saw him coming back.
He did not run after him whenhe walked away.
(16:34):
Man, that's another.
I've never said that before.
Mandy the prodigal son's daddid not run after his son when
he left, but he did run afterhis son when he came back.
Man, I need to write that down.
That's a sermon, right there.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
That is because you got to let him go and you got to
let him fail and welcome himwith open arms when they see the
light.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:01):
And you know, and sometimes that's a generation,
sometimes they don't ever comeback and those are heartbreakers
too.
But a lot of times they do comeback and those are the ones you
just say you know, no,remembering the past.
Go back to your love chapter in1 Corinthians 13.
Love doesn't remember a wrongsuffered.
Welcome them back with openarms.
(17:21):
And you know your children andthey're getting all kind of
stuff pumped into them throughmusic and media and social media
and schools and stuff like that, and a lot of times they make
bad decisions and you try tosteer them out of it.
And when they don't steer, youknow they get hurt and burned
and something happens and you'rethere for them.
(17:42):
You don't fix their problem.
You don't say, come on back,I'll pay for all your mistakes.
You say, come on back, I'll payfor all your mistakes.
You say, come on back, I loveyou just as much now as I ever
did.
And let's go forward.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
That's the way you fix it.
I think you know the letting gois hard and I know when I first
started Next Talk and you knowwas realizing everything our
kids were up against online andall the dangers that that the
technology presented and how Iwas going to parent it and how
Matt and I were going to figureall this out together.
(18:13):
One of the things that keptgoing off in my mind over and
over was when my kids leave hereat 18 and I'm no longer the you
know, the parent, I move intofriend, friend, where I'm just
the advisor and they can go dowhatever decisions they want.
I want at that 18th move out tofeel like I've done everything
(18:35):
in my power to disciple and pushthis kid to Jesus, like point
them to Jesus and model that forthem in their life, and I want
to be exhausted from it.
I want to be totally exhaustedand I think you know talking
about the prodigal and thenlooking back.
Like you said, if you've doneeverything you can, you got to
let them go and there is still ahuman being and they still may
(18:59):
choose the wrong thing, even ifyou do everything right.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:03):
Everything right, and I think that's such a word.
But it is also a reminder thatwe are given 18 years with our
kids and these leadershipqualities matter in those 18
years because they will shapethat kid.
Speaker 2 (19:18):
Yeah, I was preaching on the marriage, work and
family, on the fathers that saidmentor your children and I told
them pretty much what I do toeverybody.
I said the number one sellingdevotional book in the world
it's sold billions of copies iscalled the Book of Proverbs.
And I said, yeah, I know it'ssold billions because it's part
of the Bible, but it's still thedevotion 31 chapters, 31 days.
(19:42):
And when you're reading throughthat chapter you know chapter a
day.
You know for 18 years.
Your kids are going to pick itup.
You know it's not just a one anddone, it's just what you get
out of Proverbs today.
What'd you get out of it?
You know yesterday and thatsort of thing.
It's just that constant as yougo and it's not a full blown
lecture.
Take out your pen and paper andwrite down what I say.
It's just kind of that.
(20:03):
You know, like Jesus said, asyou go make disciples, you know
as you live your life.
So you know in Proverbs I'vetold people man, there's some
great verses in there, there'ssome also some scary ones.
But you know, when your kidsfilter through it every month
it'll sink in.
But you got to filter throughit.
I mean can't be a one monthdeal and then be done with it.
(20:24):
It's got to be a regular.
This is what we're going to talkabout driving to school today.
What did you get out ofProverbs?
And let them talk.
Speaker 1 (20:31):
Well, what I like about you've always instilled
that with us and we've done thattoo, or read a Proverbs a day
and as Like, that's kind of whatwe would do.
And what was cool about that is, if we missed a day or you know
the day we have practices acouple of days and we don't have
(20:53):
there, you're still doing it,you're not missing anything, you
just go to the next day.
And it was a very practical wayto stay in the word, because
when you're working through aworkbook or a Bible study, when
you get behind, then you justare like okay, I'm behind, I'm
done, but this, this is a verypractical tool that I think is
important.
Speaker 2 (21:13):
Well, that's you know , that's what God tells the
father to mentor the children.
It's a dad's job.
Moms do it naturally.
Dads, apparently, we don't doit naturally.
So God has to remind us yourjob is not to irritate your
child but to raise them up inthe fear and correction of the
Lord.
So that's it.
Try to be a cool dad, not thebest friend dad, but a cool dad,
(21:35):
not judgmental.
Don't blow up.
That's another thing on theparenting is avoid this.
Look, whenever your child sayssomething, if they tell you what
happened or what so-and-so did,or what they've declared or
whatever, don't go.
Just say really, you know, tellme more about it.
Just talk as quick as you can.
Get into conversation mode, getout of shock mode, because if
(21:57):
they tell you what's going onand you're shocked all the time,
that's when you get the oh, notmuch.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
We call that crazy parent mode at Next Talk.
We don't go into crazy parentmode.
You have to remain calm.
In fact, I just left a schooland I've got parents and kids
signing a pact and the firstthing on that family covenant is
the parents are promisingthey're not going to go crazy
parent mode and then underneaththat I have students who they're
(22:25):
promising to tell their parentsabout all these things and we
list them out, but it's atwo-way street.
It's that communication.
Speaker 2 (22:32):
Well, you're doing it , you're making disciples, mandy
.
Speaker 1 (22:35):
Yeah, well, I really appreciate the leadership step.
I think this was really goodjust walking through.
There's so many good nuggetshere about leading in our home
and the quality and just beingthe good model for our kids.
Behind closed doors too, let'sjust be honest, Because
sometimes you see a lot of goodleaders in public, a lot of good
(22:55):
parents on Facebook, but arethey real authentic, living it
out in daily life?
And I think that's reallyimportant too.
Speaker 2 (23:05):
Yeah, you're right on the mark with that.
Speaker 1 (23:07):
Model it out, all right, anything else for us?
Speaker 2 (23:11):
Not right now.
Call me anytime, I'll get mypicture just right.
Next time I'll take you to thefall picture right there, oh
cool.
Speaker 3 (23:22):
Next Talk is a 501c3 nonprofit keeping kids safe
online.
To support our work, make adonation at nexttalkorg.
Next Talk resources are notintended to replace the advice
of a trained healthcare or legalprofessional, or to diagnose,
treat or otherwise render expertadvice regarding any type of
medical, psychological, legal,financial or other problem.
You are advised to consult aqualified expert for your
(23:42):
personal treatment plan.
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