August 5, 2024 • 56 mins
In this episode, we tackle the fleeting nature of time with our loved ones. Inspired by a personal family health crisis and a striking statistic from Mel Robbins—we dive into the emotional impact of realising how quickly time passes. We discuss the balance between savoring moments with growing children and managing the challenges of caring for aging parents, especially when distance adds another layer of difficulty. Join us for a heartfelt conversation about making every moment count and turning these reflections into actionable, meaningful interactions with our loved ones.
Email us at ninetilalways@gmail.com or find us on Instagram @ninetilalways!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:03):
Welcome to our podcast.
Hello.
Hello.
How's it going?
So today we're going to discussthe precious and fleeting nature
of time with our loved ones andwhat really made me want to do
this and start thinking about itprobably a bit more deeply than
I had before as I, for tworeasons, one, my mother had been
(00:25):
diagnosed with.
Cancer.
And so that was a realizationthat, time is kind of taking
away pretty fast and you wantingto make the most of any time you
have with your family,especially aging parents, as
well as our children are alsogrowing up really quickly.
(00:46):
And I had heard this podcastwhere It was a Mel Robbins
podcast, and she said, theresearch shows that by the time
our children are 12, we've spent75 percent of our time with
them.
And by the time they're 18,we've spent 90 percent of our
time with them.
Oh my God, that's depressing.
(01:06):
Yes.
So depressing.
Yes.
It's so like, it's confronting.
It really is confronting and itreally made me go, wow, I
actually, like my son's justturned 11.
So I realized I really want tomake the time I do have with
them a bit more intentional andactually spend some quality time
(01:30):
and with both my aging parentsand, and my son.
And so that was where thispodcast idea, yeah, I had read
that.
I had read that same thing aboutthe 12 years, 75 percent and
it's really good.
It's frightening.
It is very frightening because,and it goes so quickly as we get
(01:53):
older too, right?
Like time tends to, to fly byand, and I notice it more and
more as he's getting older, he'swanting to spend more time with
his friends and do more thingsnot with us.
And so you do, it's really inyour face that that time is
becoming quite short.
(02:13):
Yeah.
Yeah.
and I.
Once he goes to high school,it's going to be even more so.
Yeah.
So yet another uplifting topicat nine to always.
Yeah, true.
Sorry.
Oh, these are the things wethink about, right?
So that's why we want to talkabout it.
Yeah.
(02:33):
Yeah.
what about you guys?
Have you until I've kind ofbrought this up, have you
realized, wow, time is Slippingthrough my fingers.
Well, not until you said this,because I was thinking on the
way in, when, when you said,maybe we should talk about our
parents and our children.
And I thought about, do I feellike I haven't had enough time
(02:56):
with them?
And I decided no, but now I'mlike, Oh yeah.
Cause I hadn't really thoughtabout the future.
I think I just thought about howmuch time I was spending with
them now.
Yeah.
Yeah, and you're pretty goodwith the stuff you guys do as a
family, right?
So yeah, we do all the timeYeah, we do a fair bit as a
family But I often do sometimesthink I Should spend more time
(03:22):
with them as well But I mean, Ithink you can always think that
you're in even if you spendevery day with them You probably
would still think I couldprobably spend more time with
them.
I also think this is the, it'sthe contrast between when
they're young, you spend aninordinate amount of time with
them and all you want is timeaway.
(03:44):
What for me, you want to break,you need a break for everyone's
sanity and to miss each other.
So, and I think.
It's probably because, becauseyour son is a couple of years
older, than our youngest ones.
And that, I think thatdifference is really Yes, plus
my parents are also older too,right?
(04:06):
So, yeah, my parents are 75.
Yeah, well, and friends of mineare also in their 70s now.
I was worried that this podcastmight be, maybe a bit, uh, for
you guys having, being livingoverseas.
Talking about your agingparents, because I know when I
(04:26):
lived in Dubai, it was quiteprominent in my mind that, my
parents aren't getting anyyounger.
And so you kind of think, shit,this is a very, it is a very
difficult topic to talk aboutwhen you do have family and you
live on the other side.
And I'm sure we'll get into someof the stuff that I'm dealing
(04:47):
with in my family back home atthe moment.
But.
It's also, it's always on mymind, so why not talk about it?
Yeah.
You don't not think about itjust because they're really far
away.
It's very true.
You just think about itconstantly.
I had this really, confrontingmoment the day after Todd and I
got married, so that was 10years ago, and we got married in
(05:08):
Sweden because we lived here andI said, They miss out on
everything.
So let's have the wedding inSweden because then at least
they won't miss out on that sowe did that and my mom was
Amazing and did so much stufffor that wedding.
Incredible And then the next dayshe was really really low and
(05:30):
she wouldn't really talk to meAnd I didn't really understand
why and it didn't really Comeout until later.
It might have been the followingday after that even that she
said it's so obvious to me nowthat like, I might only see you
like another 20 more times in mylife Because maybe I only live
another two when you put anumber on it like that It's
(05:52):
quite um, and you might onlycome home once or twice at the
maximum a year And so, we, wecould be looking at like a
certain amount of days, really.
So it was real uplifting aftergetting married.
I must admit, but this, that waswhy she checked, she was on a
high bleeding into the weddingand she was, Super busy.
(06:15):
And then, that was over.
That one event was over and shecrashed, I think, and her
greatest fears around access tome as her youngest child was all
just in her face and she justcouldn't stop thinking about it.
Yeah.
So, I mean, she did live longerthan 10 years because it's been
10 years since this event.
(06:37):
She's still going.
She's still going.
But yeah, I think it's It'scertainly something you think
about.
And I think you think you dothink about it more when you
literally everybody, right?
Like literally everybody, likeour parents, it's relevant to
all of us.
Yeah.
A hundred percent.
So that's why when you said, Ifeel like we're running out of
(06:58):
time and that could be a goodtopic.
I thought, absolutely.
Let's dive into another easybreezy topic.
Yeah.
Um, the thing, Mel Robbinstalked about was, a melting
piece of ice.
she's like our time with ourfamily or our children is
literally like a piece of iceand there's no way to stop it
(07:21):
from melting if it's sitting onthe kitchen bench, except to put
it in the freezer, obviously.
Yeah.
it's one of those things whereyou, you have, so there's,
there's also time, but you alsolike, you want your kids to go
out and experience the world andhave their friends and go out
and do things.
If they were spending all theirtime with you.
Yeah.
There'd be something to worryabout, I think.
(07:41):
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I think what I, I guesswhat's important to take away
with everything is, what can youdo with the time when you are
with them, for example.
So when you ask me to come withhim and it doesn't always have
to be this big elaborate event,right?
It can just be, hanging out withthem, but not, on your phone.
(08:02):
For example, actually be presentin the time that you're spending
with them or in the same withyour parents.
Like, you can do nice thingsActually yesterday was beautiful
day.
I had to go and pick up my dogand I was just going to go over
and pick her up and leave andcome home and then go pick up
Javi from a birthday party.
(08:23):
And then when I got there, I waslike, actually Picking up your
dog from your parents?
Yeah.
And I thought, I might just hangout here for the afternoon.
And so we watched a bit of theOlympics opening thing.
We had lunch and then we wentfor this big, long walk and, all
three of us went and we talkedheaps and it was actually a
really nice afternoon.
Nothing major, but it was just aa nice time and I think they
(08:47):
really appreciated it toobecause now that they're retired
so those kind of moments I thinkand even like video call like
for you guys like actually justconnecting and video calls more
and stuff like that I think canbe good ways to still spend time
(09:07):
even though it's not physicalyeah you're still connecting
with them all the time A hundredpercent.
I think that was quite obviousto me when we went home over
Christmas, because we hadn't, Ihadn't seen them in over four
years and there were lots ofthings that I wanted to do with
my, husband and son.
(09:28):
Yeah.
Um, but I also, needed to spendtime with my mom and dad and
sister and brother and stuff andDidn't get enough time with my
brother, which I regret now forreasons we might get into But I
think the stuff that I did dowith my mom and dad were just
those things Like it's justsitting around watching a
program together like one night.
(09:50):
We sat around reading oldletters that i'd written or
received when I was a child andLaughed at that and like there
was it was nothing really crazyspecial other than like the
Christmas stuff, but that wasactually involving other people.
So it didn't really become atime for connecting for us as a
family, because there werealways other people there.
(10:13):
And then, my mom would often,cause she's a bit of a hostess
with the most that she wouldoften focus more on those people
than on us, which is natural,but it did make me reflect over
like how How we traveled areally long way and then other
people came into our littlecircle and kind of wrecked it.
(10:33):
And I just thought this isalmost annoying, even though I
can't, cause I have this otherthing on top of the whole time
running out.
Weird.
I.
feel guilty if I expect them tostop their lives while I come,
but I kind of do expect them tostop their lives while I come
because we have so little timetogether.
(10:56):
Like it might only be 20 days, ayear if that.
And obviously this hadn't beenfor four years.
So, you become quite cognizantof that.
And at the same time, you'relike forced into this.
Hanging out thing where you haveto create memories and you have
to be together.
So like there's naturally goingto be conflict and you got to
(11:18):
get annoyed with each other andthe stuff that you wouldn't do
over a video call.
Because then you're not reallylike, as much as it's your
family and you talk about stuffthat are hard, even if it's on
the phone or a video call.
you don't do that for fivehours, like, yeah, I know it's a
finite time still, so you canmove on if the topic gets heavy
and in a way you probably don'tto the same degree when you like
(11:41):
face to face.
So yeah, I, I think about that alot.
Yeah.
Um, often I find it difficultsometimes when I go back and see
my family and then if I bring myhusband and kids along, then
it's that balancing that,whereas really you just wanna
(12:04):
hang out with your parents.
And so I went and saw my parentsa couple of weeks ago.
Yeah, on my own.
And that was just me and them.
Partially because I was so sickI couldn't get off the couch.
So I was just like there everyhour.
Yeah.
Great way to hang out.
(12:24):
But um, yeah, it was kind ofnice just to be able to hang out
with them.
The whole time.
Yeah.
Yeah, actually I've been reallylucky with my parents with our
beach house.
Because, we owned it with themfor quite a long time.
And I did before I got married,so.
All right.
I often would come back andactually go to the beach house
(12:45):
with them for most of the timethat I would be back otherwise,
other than catching up withfriends, but So we spend a lot
of quality time there and theneven now, when I go up there,
often Brett will be working andI can work from up there.
I'll ask my parents, even thoughthey don't own it with us
anymore, I'll still have them.
(13:05):
Um, and they're comfortablethere because it's still feels
like this.
Yeah.
And so it's always quite a nicetime to go and do that.
Yeah.
So I'm lucky I can have that, Iguess, quality, quality time.
Yeah.
There's always a limit to thequality time you can have back
with your parents.
That's why it's called quality.
(13:26):
but like a good five, like agood five days.
Yeah.
It's good.
And everyone, you know.
Yeah.
I think, I feel like five daysis the perfect amount.
No, no, no.
Before you're ready, I reckon.
Yeah, I think.
Yeah.
Um, it's before everyone getsniggly with each other, right?
Yeah.
And Dad, we, Dad and I go playgolf, and yeah.
Yeah.
It's awesome.
(13:46):
It's nice.
And actually, one of the things,I was like, what can I get
Harvey for his birthday?
He just had his birthday.
And I brought him golf clubs,because I thought that's
something we can go and dotogether.
Um.
It's, it's fun.
Um, we're having fun together.
Um, yeah.
It's an activity.
And we got the ping pong tablein our garage and we play that
heaps.
Like we probably play ping pongat least once a day.
(14:08):
Yeah, I think we're going to geta ping pong table because of
what you've said.
Yeah, it's so much fun.
I, uh, definitely think that thewhole hanging out with family,
when I always have to merge thetwo, like I have to merge my
family of origin with my ownfamily, if we call it that, uh,
does always lead to, I mean,there's also this, I wouldn't
(14:30):
call it a language barrierbecause there's no barrier as
such, but my mother doesn't lovespeaking English.
And the older she gets, the moreworried and anxious she gets.
and I think because she hasn'tbeen around Todd and Ed as much
lately, that makes her moreanxious.
To speak English.
Yeah.
So that's a hard one.
And also we, I don't have thatluxury, if you want to call it
(14:56):
that, of only being able to hangout with them for four or five
days, like, cause it's too shortto go home.
So you kind of have to be.
Home for like three to fourweeks.
Yeah To make it worthwhile and Ithink 21 days is a long time to
be spending in anyone's companyI'd start fighting with my
(15:17):
parents You do naturally argueand I mean I just have to accept
when I go that that's part ofEveryday life is to bicker and I
think we're just, we're abickering family anyway.
We show love or some fucked upshit.
So this is part of what we do.
But I mean it is frustratingthat you can't just create these
(15:40):
like rosy movie like memorieswhere everyone is laughing and
running I don't think thatmatters and that's not really
the point.
The point is just actually beingconnected.
Yeah.
I think.
I mean, you're not always goingto create these amazing
memories, right?
No, you're creating memories.
Yeah.
Yeah.
(16:01):
They're not always going to be,like, amazing.
They're not all going to belovely.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But it's true.
I, I watched, uh, just on asidebar.
So I was at football yesterdaymorning cause it was a Saturday
and there's this other mom therewho I love chatting to.
And we were talking about kidsand how they're getting older
and dealing with emotions andwhatnot.
(16:21):
And there's that Disney movie orPixar movie called Inside Out.
I like that movie.
Emotions and in a very literalway, like the emotions are all
there.
Yeah.
Characters and characters of themovie and stuff and how Memories
fall into long term if ifthey're of a certain character
type thing, so I think It's agood reminder that good and bad
(16:45):
memories fall into long termmemories, right?
Like you won't necessarily Justremember the good stuff.
Yeah, I remember the bad stuffand the arguments as well, but
at least We're all still aroundin order to do it.
So Yeah, and that's the thing,we are lucky we've still got,
all our parents and children andeverything.
(17:09):
Yeah.
But it definitely feels like,you know, time is slipping,
slipping past quite quickly.
Yeah.
As they, as everyone gets older.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, that is so true.
Uplifting.
(17:30):
Um, so yeah, so I guess whatwould be things you would do to
kind of other ideas maybe thatconnect with your kids that
aren't necessarily, big days outor, or just ideas to spend
quality time and It's funnybecause I know that our current
(17:54):
generation of parenting is veryfocused on reducing screen time,
which I completely agree with.
I also, obviously, it'severyone's battle and how much
of a battle it depends on whatkid you have And I think some of
the nicest moments that Ed and Ihave together sometimes, and
maybe to some people, this istragic, but is when we're
(18:14):
watching a movie together orwe're just hanging out on the
couch doing absolutely nothing.
And he, that's probably alsowhen he's the most affectionate
because I know that as an activekid who needs downtime and
struggles to find things to dothat are quiet.
That don't involve somethinglike that.
(18:35):
He really does cherish that.
So he'll often be way moresnuggly and tell me how much he
loves me and like, he'll, he'lldo that in those types of
moments when I guess he's reallyrelaxed and feel safe and calm
and, and to us that just, it'snot only in that situation, but
(18:56):
he's way more like that than ifwe.
Go and have a big day out.
Yeah.
I quite like that.
Um, you know, watching a show orsomething together, we kind of
started up at the beach with mumand dad when they were up there.
We started watching the goodDoctor.
Yeah.
And Harvey got really into it.
So we, we have one episode anight before bed and I don't
(19:19):
even know if he.
cared so much for the show, buthe actually just liked that we
all sat down together and it waslike a thing, you know, like,
oh, we're gonna watch tonighttogether And so I started, we
did it at home and we came backand, and then we finished.
The whole series.
Yeah.
And I think we all grew upprobably you only had three
(19:40):
channels, three channels,everybody, you were all made to
watch something that you kindof, your parents liked, but you
didn't.
Yeah, it's true.
Right.
Um, one of the things that I'veactually found just in the last
two weeks, Mike and I bothcommented on it is, um, we just
(20:01):
let Olive get.
messenger for kids because herbest friend has moved to
Christchurch and they want to beable to chat to each other.
But the side effect of that, isthat they just send us hundreds
of texts.
But they're like great texts,'cause Mike, Mike was away last
(20:21):
week.
Yeah.
And he said for the whole week,Olive's got this in, in their
playroom.
She set up this whole scenewhere there's all these villages
and things going on and she islike texted Mike like every
single scene and all the storyand stuff.
And he is like, is awesome.
Like I would never have thatinteraction.
You'd be down there and I'd beupstairs.
(20:43):
Well, Harvey got Messenger 2,um, just not long after we got
back from Australia.
And so he, he was, becamefriends with, um, Brett's
brothers and sisters over there.
So his aunties and uncles, andhe was messaging them
constantly.
but they loved it.
Like, and so he was able to keepconnecting with them while
coming home again.
(21:04):
I just think of that toobecause, you know, obviously it
Neurodiverse or dyslexic andthat I'm like, what a great
opportunity for them to bepracticing like storytelling and
writing and like, you know,connecting in a different way.
And they have got voice to text.
Yeah.
So he could always cheat andjust say.
(21:25):
And they can video chat.
Like Harvey, um, he's got hisfriends in Auckland, Hunter and
Heidi, her Lord of the Monsterskids.
And so they'll video chat withthem.
Um, And I think he, we finallylet him have a Nintendo at
Christmas and you can talk toeach other on that.
Yeah.
And that's really good.
(21:46):
cause I know that's how myhusband stays in touch with all
of his, they will go on and playa game together and just chat
while they're playing.
Yeah.
That was one of the things thatcame up on the podcast I
listened to was, Um, how canyou, and it comes to, it's not
(22:07):
just your children and youraging parents, it's your friends
too, right?
So, how can you, you can't relyon other people to always
connect with you.
And sometimes it might just be atit for tat thing, or she didn't
call me so I'm not calling her,or you know, those kinds of
things.
So if it's important to you, youshould insert yourselves into
people's lives, whether it'strue.
(22:31):
Just dropping in and havingcoffee or having group messenger
chat things and, and connectingthrough just reaching out
through those sort of things andlike where it comes with French
friendships.
Like we've got our group chats,right, which we all kind of
connect on and I've got all myold school friends on a group
(22:52):
chat and I was thinking it's sotrue because some of my old
school friends were like, Oh,that's so nice.
Girls.
I might not see hardly at allbut we're connecting all the
time because we're all on thechat and so you don't feel like
you haven't spoken to them foryears because you're all just
sort of chatting away differentcomments and yeah you still know
(23:12):
a bit about yeah you still knowwhat everyone's kind of doing
and that we'll post somethingrandom photos or so that's
really valuable way to kind of Ithink keep connected even in
your wider friendships andfamily, like if you had a big
family group, like it could beall your wider family, brothers,
sisters, I know Brett has that,I don't have that with mine
(23:34):
because they're all kind of inTiamutu, but um, that's a really
good way to kind of stayconnected as the wider family as
well.
Oh, absolutely.
And then when you add the kidsto it, it's even nicer.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I think it's beenobviously quite important for me
to have group chats because Ihaven't been on social media for
(23:56):
quite a few years.
So like, it means that in orderfor me to keep, to have any idea
what goes on in people's lives,they have to, like, I have to
reach out to them specificallyand vice versa.
Yeah.
And that's why I'm so reliant onWhatsApp.
And I probably wouldn't be if Iwas on like regularly on any of
(24:17):
the other social media ones.
Like I haven't been very good atusing messenger for quite a long
time, but I'm realizing thatmost people probably prefer to
use some version of social mediaconnection.
Um, so that is super important.
I do however find that even withthat, like, you know, we, like,
(24:37):
we have like my friendship groupat home, um, It's not just in
Sweden cause they're like inSweden and France.
But if, if no one instigates itfor a little while, it can still
take a long time because youknow, if you had noticed we're
busy people, like we all haveyoung children, we all work long
(24:58):
hours.
And you know, like you said,everyone has aging parents and
like traveling between the twoand all of that kind of stuff.
So it's still easy to slipthrough.
So I think it's a good reminder.
To tell yourself what you didLucy that it's like if it's
important to you just yeah Justthink five to ten minutes doing
it.
Yeah, it doesn't have to take avery long time No, and I think
(25:21):
and even with like ourfriendships like It doesn't have
to be as well.
We have to have a girl's nightout.
Just go for coffee Mm hmm, likewe'll just pop into each other's
house.
Like I think You Because we areall so busy, we try and make
these big, um, catch ups that,that sometimes are just too hard
(25:42):
to maybe make happen.
But if it's important for you tostay connected to that, if you
think it's important, then Ithink you just got to make that
effort.
We're trying to get a priority.
Yeah.
Like, but I think that thosemoments, there's lots of little
moments you're more connecteddoing those than you are with
(26:02):
the one off big events.
every two years, you know, likeyou're actually more connected
if you do lots of little, evenjust a phone call.
Like, um, one of my best mateslives in Napier and I just pick
up the phone all the time andshe picks up, like, we're quite
good at calling.
That's good.
Um, and I don't have that witheverybody, but I make an effort
(26:24):
with yeah, calling people thatyeah, that's why I keep my
Aussie friends.
I probably should do it more,but I basically try and call one
person a month.
Like just go, when I go for awalk, just call them.
And have a chat.
It's so good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And the more you do it Theeasier it becomes.
(26:44):
Yes.
Because the less awkward it is,the less you do it, the more
awkward it is, because it's kindof like, oh, we haven't spoken
for years.
It's kind of awkward.
You know, like you kind ofchanged out these stories.
Some people, if I rang some ofmy friends now, I think I would
have to precursor it with thetext and be like, I'm going to
ring you, but no one's there.
(27:04):
Dead.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Just don't freak out because wehaven't spoken on the phone for
such a long time, you know, soit's not like a, cause, so this
happened recently where, youknow, they changed, when we
changed the time, um, for summerand winter, so that for a few
weeks I'm a little bit unsure ofwhat the time is in Sweden
(27:25):
because I don't know if they'veswitched yet or not.
And so sometimes I forget that Ican't call after a certain time
in the morning because they willbe asleep.
Yeah.
And I just, I was a little bitdistracted that day and I rang
my dad at a time when itprobably would have been like
11, and then I realized, so Iquickly hung up and I was like,
(27:50):
Oh, of course.
So then he rang me.
Worried.
Worried.
Yeah.
And he was like, wide awake.
And he turned this tiny littlelight on, and he was like,
what's going on?
And I'm like, I'm so sorry, Ijust fucked up.
Like, nothing's happened,everyone is fine.
You know, your grandson is okay,because he's obviously living
(28:10):
with us now.
He was like, oh, you could see,like, he was visibly Ah, yeah,
of course, you would be when youget those kind of things.
Yeah, so that can happen.
Yeah.
If I now start ringing people,my friends in Europe, they would
just be like, what the frick isgoing on?
Yeah.
But I love the idea of callingbecause the people in my life
(28:33):
who are good at ringing, um, andI, I've ring a lot more for work
now.
So I, you know, I'm not, I'm notuncomfortable talking on the
phone anymore.
Like lots of people can be.
I've got a few friends who just,I'm not.
Fine people at all.
And when we did that Tungarirocrossing and I said, I'm going
to call you all the time.
(28:54):
So that she's like, okay, butshe's not a fine person.
Like the more you do it, themore you have to do it.
If you just force yourself topick up the phone.
Yeah.
Like you say, the more, butthey'll, they'll, they'll, they
kind of, they don't say so much,don't like talking.
They won't pick up that rathertext.
Yeah.
Like, I do find that with myparents.
(29:15):
I try to call them once a week,but I just don't think they
love, they're not really longphone chatters.
You know what, they would love,because they'd love that you're
calling.
Well they do, yeah, they do lovethat, but it's never a long
chat, yeah.
I think when you're calling oncea week it doesn't mean it has to
be, right?
I mean, I still ring my parentsmore than once a week.
(29:36):
Yeah, I don't.
I can go long periods.
It's funny though, because I, Ithought about this recently when
I listened to another podcast,focused on dads rather than kids
with their dads, but like ifdads don't spend time with their
children, when they're young,you don't necessarily create
that bond where in 20 yearstime, your kids will call you.
(29:57):
And so I used to, I thoughtabout that at the time, cause
when I was younger, I was adaddy's girl and I was, you
know, when I moved out of home,I would probably call him.
As much as my mom.
'cause um, when she traveled forwork, she wasn't always in the
same place and he and I couldtalk for a really long time
'cause we're quite similarpeople.
Yeah.
And now I think for years andyears, probably since Ed was
(30:20):
born, I've largely been callingmom because she was here when he
was born.
And like when he was young itwas like she was the go-to, you
know, she was a neonatal nurse,she knew babies, yada yada.
And I just got into that routineand I didn't call him as often.
So it would be when I did callhim, he would be very good at
like having a brief chat andthen like, well, I've got to go
(30:41):
do something now and like shutit down.
And it's only in recent timesnow that I've started calling
him a bit more when he then getsa bit better at like,
particularly if he was, he's onhis own.
I think we talked about this onetime, like if you're on the
phone to a friend and like yourhusband and your child or your
children are there, you're notas.
It's free to just do whateverand I think it's the same for
(31:03):
him naturally, so like I runghim a few weeks ago and he was
in the car and I was like, Oh,I'm sorry, do you want me to
call back?
And he's like, no, this isperfect.
And then we had like a reallylong chat about, I don't even
know, but yes, I think the,this, the situational side of it
is also quite important.
Like if he's at home with mom,then we have a different
(31:24):
conversation than if it's, ifhe's at home with dad.
I totally talk to dad aboutstuff that I I could never have
that conversation with my motherbecause dad's way more, um,
sensible Like it doesn't getemotional in the same way.
So I, and I've always been likethat like anything to do with.
Problems or finance or I'll goto dad Anything to do with
(31:48):
cooking I'll call mom Andgardening actually I like I've
started trying to grow somevegetables and stuff and dad's
amazing he grows the best veggiegarden and so it's been nice
because i'm using those sort ofthings to connect I guess with
with him around what should Iplant now and Um Vegetables and
(32:13):
stuff like that.
Yeah, it's funny how you, yeah,I think it's, you end up
becoming more and more like yourparents and you kind of get
shared interests.
Yeah, so if you can find ashared topic, it's quite a nice
way to, even if you don't evenneed to ask them, I still kind
of use it as a, maybe a way tojust touch base and talk to
(32:35):
them.
My mum sent me this memerecently, which was like.
It was a, like a sliding scaleand it had like your years on
one, one of the like arms of thegraph.
And then how much knowledge youthink your parent has.
(32:56):
Or like how much you want to dowith them I think.
So like it starts out and you'relike super into them.
You love them more thananything.
You think they know absolutelyeverything and you want to be
with them all the time.
And then like the teenagers comeby and you kind of think they
know absolutely nothing and youreally want nothing to do with
them and then kind of grew onthat whole graph around like in
your mid 20s.
(33:17):
You're like, Oh, maybe they doknow the odd thing or two.
And then in your mid 30s, you'relike, Oh yeah, they probably
actually know.
Quite a lot and then in your mid70s or something and it kind of
said I wish I Could just talk tomy mom Yeah, that's so true like
we all even though we know it weall go on that same journey I
think it's more obvious to menow because we have a teenager
(33:40):
in the house and like anovernight teenager because We
didn't grow up with him, so wedidn't really know how to relate
to that.
And that whole, I knoweverything, is quite prevalent
at that age.
And you have to be very carefulwith How you deliver messages in
order for them to believe thatyou actually know anything about
(34:00):
life.
Interesting.
I Hmm.
I think also, not actually justabout aging parents.
I think about aging siblings.
Yes, I was thinking that too,yeah.
So like, my, my brother wasrecently diagnosed with cancer
(34:21):
and, so he's quite a bit olderthan me, he's 14 years older
than me, but it was still amassive shock and I think one
that we're all still processingbecause he's, yeah, going
through treatment and whatnot,but no one really knows.
where it's going to land.
But I had this epiphany when Ithought I might be the last one
(34:49):
eventually because I'm theyoungest.
And as much as I had thoughtabout like, you know, everyone
is aging and you, you see it inyour own face and you see it in
their faces.
I hadn't really thought thatthere might come a time when
there's, there's no one left andGod, yeah, no, I hadn't even
thought about that either.
(35:09):
I think I thought about itbecause we have some friends
down the road on our street whorecently had two losses within
the family.
So one was a brother of the dadin the family.
Um, yeah, he lost his brotherand at the same time his wife.
I've lost her father and theywere all like within the space
of a week of each other.
(35:31):
And the father who lost thebrother had already, so he lost
his mother a few years ago, hisdad a long time ago, which means
that there's only two of themleft.
And I just thought, shit, thatcould be me.
I mean, in all likelihood itwill be me, like statistically
it probably will be me, but Ihadn't really had such a.
(35:55):
This little reminder of thatbefore.
So I, it's, it's scary to thinkabout it.
And I also think, so when wewere home over Christmas, for
the first time, since my brotherand sister and I were extremely
young, we had family photostaken.
It's probably been, you know,when you say that, Oh, it's been
(36:18):
20 years, it's probably been.
35 years.
This is your last family photo.
It's our last family photos,like professional family photos.
Yeah.
It's only because mum and dadhad some taken of us three.
I don't even think they had anyphotos of it.
That's not what you did in theeighties.
Who gives a shit about theparents?
(36:38):
And it was very posy.
It was in a studio, like all ofthat kind of stuff that we've
all seen with the big hairs andtheir matching dresses.
Classical eighties photo.
Classical eighties photos.
With the grey background or Andlike 20 of them and slightly
different.
And like one of them or a few ofthem, I was crying.
So like, you could almost likefollow what happened, like a
(37:01):
scripted day type thing, butthat was the last time we had
family photos taken.
And so now we had some takenover Christmas and they took
ages to be finished, but theyfinished, or they were finally
ready to have an album.
And the album was sent to momand dad about a month or so ago.
And then we found out that mybrother had cancer about a month
(37:22):
later and I was, my mom evensaid how fortuitous that we had
the photos taken because it'swhen everyone was well and you
know, we didn't know anything.
And I mean, that sounds morbidand like we're assuming that
something really bad is going tohappen.
But I think she was trying tohold on to the fact that like,
(37:43):
He he looked like he always hasin that photo Yeah, I don't know
if he's gonna look like that andyou know after six months.
Oh, yeah Chemo.
Yeah.
Yeah, so I think yeah, it's beena lot of like if you're talking
about have you had any moments?
recently when you've thoughtabout I think those moments for
me are like Hot like they'recoming fast.
(38:06):
Yeah, and repeatedly like Justthis week we were told Of, um,
one of Todd's childhood friends.
He lost his brother in law in adrowning accident the other day.
And he was probably in his latethirties, mid thirties.
So I think, yeah, they were outboating and it looks like he
(38:30):
fell off the back of the boat.
Um, just when he was going for awee.
So it's all very, very obvious,I think, that you're running out
of time and that you never knowwhen your time is going to come.
So like, it's so easy to getwrapped up and we all do this.
(38:51):
We get wrapped up in theeveryday life.
And like, I know my parents beensaying to me ever since Eric's
been here, Oh, I know you'rereally busy.
You don't have time to talk.
And I just think, isn't thatutter rubbish?
Of course I have time to talk.
I just have been stressed andthere has been a lot going on.
But like if anything, connectingwith the people that you love is
(39:14):
the one thing that will bringyou down from that ledge of
pressure and stress, right?
The thing that will make youfeel better or reaching out to a
friend or, you know, anythinglike that, Totally.
Yeah.
So I think it's.
The older you get the moreobvious it is.
Yeah, and I think I don't knowif it's like this for you guys
(39:35):
but it's been very veryprominent in the last kind of
five to ten years five five toseven years maybe that bad shit
happens to you or around you andyou just have to keep reminding
yourself that life is Trying tokeep rules.
(39:55):
Yeah.
Yeah And yeah, and I thinkthat's why I think we do
sometimes just need to take abit of stock and go what's
actually important to me, who'simportant to me, and make that a
bit of a priority in our, in ourschedule, in our lives and
actually.
So maybe this, this would be mybiggest question and I have, I'm
(40:18):
asking it because I have no ideahow to address it.
So let's hope the two of you do,and if not, maybe one of our
listeners do.
So I get that we all have thesemoments and we all need to sit
down and like take stock and,and make some time for the
people that we love.
(40:40):
And then most likely, or atleast for me, the next day I'm
just back on that train again.
On that train of work and schooland, you know, getting shit
done, I don't know, paying off amortgage, earning money.
How do I, like, how do you stayin that moment more?
I don't think you will everyday.
I don't think it's a, I justthink maybe you should have
(41:04):
something in your calendar tojust, uh, give your parents a
call.
And that's just a simplereminder on your calendar once a
week, or how often you feel likeyou want to do it.
Just that would be enough tomaybe go, Shit, I'll just give
mum a quick call and say hey.
(41:25):
We all have shit going on in ourlives, right?
I don't think it's an all day,every day thing where you're
constantly thinking about whatwe've discussed.
I just think it's something thatwe just need to not lose total
sight of and, and not take forgranted, I guess.
(41:46):
Those people.
I guess what's happened to merecently is I had a very, very
busy month and then I got quitesick.
So I had two weeks of justsitting there and thinking about
the meaning of life.
That's what happens.
And, um, I listened to some goodpodcasts while I was basically
(42:10):
lying there, and One guy talkedabout, it was in relation to, he
was telling this story about howhe had, he was on this quiz show
and he was trying to learn, hewas fully focused on this quiz
show and trying to learn all thequestions and stuff and he'd get
(42:30):
really into his head and be likefreaking out a bit but he said
the thing that kind of calmedhim and made him.
kind of think more about beingin the present and that kind of
thing was he would always touchsomething so he'd always be
touching um yeah like he wouldjust touch a table or he would
touch the wall or something andi was like oh that's a really
(42:53):
good idea yeah so i've starteddoing that and it actually
really works like i'm like in myhead i'm like oh my god i gotta
be doing all these things gonnado all these things then i was
like no i'm just gonna be likeWell, like in the shower, just
touching the tiles and stuff.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's quiteinteresting isn't it?
It's like it's grounding you.
(43:14):
Yeah, it does ground you, and itmakes you think, I'm not going
to think about all these things,I'm actually going to focus on
what's going on right now, andlike, talking to that person, or
Yeah, I think that's a reallygood point.
Would be, I think, I mean, allof that is so true.
I just think what, what happensto me is that I have these
(43:34):
little epiphanies and then Ispend a little bit of time.
But I still really struggle tobe present.
And I think like what he wastalking about and why that
probably works must be becauseit's like, it's all about being
in your body.
Like it's all about embodimentand all the podcasts I've
listened to all about focusingon being in your body as opposed
to in your head.
(43:55):
And I love my head and I'mconstantly up there.
Same.
Same.
Same.
Solving the world's crisis, butyou know, not never getting
anywhere and I obviously that'swhy I struggle so much to be In
my body which does involve beingpresent like this is obviously
one of the reasons why i'm noton social media And of any kind
(44:18):
because if I was then I wouldnot be able to put my phone down
But it's not even there.
I feel like I struggle just tobe Um, energetic enough to be
present.
Like I can be here, not on aphone and not on the screen and
still completely depleted andstill have nothing left to give
(44:39):
and just staring into the abyss.
Yeah.
There's this other, so thisother thing that I listened to
the other day was aboutcreating, it's called creating a
second mind.
A second brain.
Yeah, elaborate, elaborate.
(45:00):
You've heard of it.
And it's about using AI prettymuch to create a space where you
put all those, like all your todos, all of the cool, quotes
that you hear in podcasts or youread about putting them into
(45:20):
that space.
He's basically talking aboutusing your brain to be creative
and apply perspective to thingsand then use the other brain for
all of those additional, likeall that data stuff that you
kind of want to think about.
(45:41):
As he just, as he kind ofsaying, take it out of your head
and put it on paper in a way.
Yeah.
He's like, you can either do itin paper or you can do it.
There's lots of apps.
It's not in your head.
So, yeah.
And then he said it does take abit of work to set up, but you
can almost organize it.
So there'd be like cool, likeleadership management stuff that
you want to do for the business.
(46:03):
So you just pop it into thatsort of basket.
And then there'll be another onefor.
other things like looking afteryour children or those things
like that and putting into thatbasket so that you don't have to
think about it and and you canjust think about how to apply
the perspective to it.
I like, I like that.
(46:24):
I was like, it sounds cool.
So, so then when you go, Oh, Ineed to think about this, you
can go look there instead oftrying to go into your brain.
Is that kind of what you mean?
Yeah.
Or you can, he was actually alsotalking about it as being, a
podcast is really good for thatas well, where we've got all
these things going on in ourbrain and you listen to lots of
podcasts about these things.
(46:45):
But they're all other people'sthoughts and the value that you
really get from sitting where wesit here talking about it is you
get to apply your ownperspective to it and sort of
talk through it and come out atthe end.
Okay.
This is how I feel.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think it's true though, right?
Oh, it is so true.
So they do say, cause one ofthe, when I, um, I'm in this,
(47:09):
um, it's like a, A businessgroup thing for women, but it's,
it's kind of a little bitholistic as well as not, it's
not all just business focused.
And she definitely talks aboutlike, you know, get everything
out of your brain and ontopaper.
(47:30):
It doesn't matter what it is,even if it's a list a meter
long, get it all out of yourhead at the end of the day.
So when you get a beard, it'snot all or whenever you want to
do it.
It's not all filling up space inyour mind, and it's kind of
similar, but yours is moreorganized.
But similar in that sense thatyou're taking it out of your
(47:50):
head and leaving other space forthe creativity and Yeah, and
stuff because you can only holdso much in your mind.
That's why we forget things,right?
Because we're jamming so manyUm, and I'm just going to put a
few things into our heads thatwe've bound to forget something
because it can't all fit.
That's my theory on why I forgetstuff.
(48:11):
And I feel like that is mybiggest issue with time is more
is around that.
Like I feel like I never haveenough time to think about stuff
properly and I feel like I'mjust constantly reacting all the
time.
That's all I'm doing is justreacting.
Yeah.
And even with like keeping, youknow, with kids sport and all
(48:33):
that kind of stuff, I neverreally have it fully planned.
It suddenly looks like, Oh shit,it's four o'clock.
We've got to go.
Oh shit.
Now I need to get dinner on atsix o'clock.
But I, you know, all thosethings, like I never, it's like
constantly jumping, rushing fromone thing to like never sitting
there having my own time tothink about these things or make
(48:55):
things better.
Or even like, I even think theonly like a, um, When I was sick
and I did have that bit of extratime, I thought about all these
awesome things that I want to doand like made these other plans
for stuff I would never havedone if I hadn't had that week
of just sitting there.
Yeah.
And having that space.
It's so important to have space.
(49:16):
Yeah, you have to actuallycreate space to think about it.
I think I totally agree with allof that.
And, and yet the first thingthat popped into my head was
when the hell that means I haveone more thing to do every
blooming day.
I have to sit down.
I mean, you know how long itwould take to write down all of
(49:38):
my thoughts.
I mean, that's a great idea intheory, but fuck my head is full
of them.
Like it would not be.
If you'd written a journal andyou'd written.
Every day.
Yeah.
And you kind of, I floated withthat.
Not this is my thing I've got,'cause I don't get into the
habit of doing it.
And I totally appreciate thatonce you get into the habit of
doing it, then that is thebenefit in and of itself.
(49:59):
It doesn't matter what youactually write and what comes
out.
It's just the fact that I dothese things in bursts.
Yeah.
And I'll have the gratitudediary and I'll, and I, you know,
I have the, the journaling andall of that stuff and then.
I'll have a shitty week whenthere's a lot of stuff that
(50:19):
pokes my time or steals my timeand pokes my interest.
And then I'll be out of thehabit again.
Yeah, I know.
I do the same.
I do the gratitude thing andthen I'll not do it for a couple
of weeks and then I, and thenI'll go, why do I feel so shit?
And then I'm like, I might startdoing that again.
And then I'll start feeling goodagain or, you know, that it's
(50:40):
weird.
It's kind of.
It's an energy thing, right?
But I do quite like the idea of,I don't know how I would make
that work.
There's probably an app forthis, but how you could maybe
use AI to just also get answersto some of those questions.
Cause most of those questionsthat you're probably creating in
that second brain are easy toresolve.
(51:01):
It's just another thing toresolve.
And so that's why he said use AIbecause you might have something
you need resolved, but you askAI.
Is that why?
Yeah, he did mention that and hesaid quite often, but it's
about, you have to learn how toget the answers you want as
well, because you never, yeah,yeah, you might not always get
the answer you're needingbecause you haven't put in the
(51:22):
right stuff first.
He was saying that, people whodo podcasts and do, YouTube
channels and stuff, they'vealready kind of, they're already
sort of doing that.
That is their sort of secondbrain.
I guess in a sense, this podcastis a little bit like our second
brain for some things.
Yeah.
Um, cause yeah, he was sayinghe, he was talking about his own
(51:44):
podcast where he's like, I,Often, I've talked about it, and
then I know I can go back andlisten to it and sort of form
even more thoughts.
Which is often how I feel, like,after we've talked about all of
this stuff, I go away and I'mlike, Oh my god, all these other
things I'm thinking about now,like, this is, like, I actually
have this really strong opinionnow, where before I had never
(52:07):
really had a strong opinion onit before.
That is so true.
This is, like, our chattinggroup.
We just happened to be recordingit because if we weren't
recording it, we wouldn't bedoing this because we would feel
like absolute tools.
Sitting here talking about let'schoose a topic and talk about it
(52:27):
for an hour.
And so the, this is the forumthat allows us to drill into
something that is on our minds.
Yeah.
Yes.
Yeah.
Which is why we get value out ofit.
And all of you, not so manylisteners, also get value out of
it, hopefully.
(52:50):
Wow.
Do you think we should wrap upthis one?
what is our, our challenges?
Um, yeah, I think we should seta challenge to maybe connect.
With more intention to somebody.
I think maybe choose a personthat would be your priority for
(53:14):
the week and, and be moreintentional with how you might
spend some time with them.
I think that's what I'm going todo.
I really like that idea.
I've done my parents this week.
I, I, I love that idea because Ioften have thoughts of what I
(53:39):
want to do for other people.
Like, I want to do this for thisperson.
I want to do that for thatperson.
And then I don't necessarilyalways get to the point of
follow through.
So maybe next time I think aboutit, I'm just going to do it then
there drop what I'm doing.
That's going to be my talent forthis time.
(54:01):
I think, yeah.
Yeah.
Yes.
Um, well I was kind of excitedabout this second brain thing,
but that sounds hard as well.
they're all hard because theseall require a behavioral change.
Yeah.
Right.
Yeah.
(54:22):
I kind, um, not sure.
I think it's more I.
Like, I do try to do my monthlyand my weekly catch ups with
people, so it's probably, Imean, I, I'm doing that.
Um, I think it was more, yeah,just trying to, I think I might
continue on without touchingthe.
(54:42):
Yeah.
Because I feel quite often itis, I'm very distracted in it
and it's more about trying to bepresent.
Does it help with anxiety?
Like if you're feeling a bitanxious, does it kind of help
with that too?
Like overwhelmed?
I know what happens to me is Iusually get into a cycle and I
can't get out of that cycle,even if I'm going and doing
something at work or I'm in theshower, I just like internal
(55:06):
conversation, it feels quiteunhealthy because it's going
Around and around and around inthe same topic.
And just trying to find a way tojust break that circuit.
I have that when I'm worriedabout something.
Like a conversation withsomeone.
That might be.
Yeah, it's often a conversation.
That might be a bit of, youknow, like could be conflicting.
(55:27):
I'll do the round and roundthing in my head too.
Um, I'm going to try not to beon my phone when I'm with Javi,
like even if it's like watchingshower.
And they can't, you know, justwhatever.
I just try and.
That's a good one.
Yeah.
Not have that as an extradistraction.
Even my dog doesn't like it.
Like when I'm throwing a toy, ifI pick up my phone and look at
(55:49):
that, she's, she'll stop playingcause she's knows I'm not giving
her my full attention.
Oh, isn't that sad?
Yeah.
So I literally have to be like,fine.
I'm not looking at my phone.
She wants the full attentiontoo.
And so, I mean, if your dog'swanting it, like surely you
could.
It's the same.
Yeah.
(56:09):
Very true.
Cool.
Well, thank you for listeningand we will see you next time.
I should say as well, becauseI'm very bad at saying this, but
if you like listening to us,then if you haven't already,
please subscribe and maybe giveus a review if you want.
I think that's a good one.
(56:31):
And let us know what you think.
Yeah.
And we'll be back.
Bye.
Bye.
Welcome to our podcast.
Hello.
Hello.
How's it going?
So today we're going to discussthe precious and fleeting nature
of time with our loved ones andwhat really made me want to do
this and start thinking about itprobably a bit more deeply than
I had before as I, for tworeasons, one, my mother had been
(00:25):
diagnosed with.
Cancer.
And so that was a realizationthat, time is kind of taking
away pretty fast and you wantingto make the most of any time you
have with your family,especially aging parents, as
well as our children are alsogrowing up really quickly.
(00:46):
And I had heard this podcastwhere It was a Mel Robbins
podcast, and she said, theresearch shows that by the time
our children are 12, we've spent75 percent of our time with
them.
And by the time they're 18,we've spent 90 percent of our
time with them.
Oh my God, that's depressing.
(01:06):
Yes.
So depressing.
Yes.
It's so like, it's confronting.
It really is confronting and itreally made me go, wow, I
actually, like my son's justturned 11.
So I realized I really want tomake the time I do have with
them a bit more intentional andactually spend some quality time
(01:30):
and with both my aging parentsand, and my son.
And so that was where thispodcast idea, yeah, I had read
that.
I had read that same thing aboutthe 12 years, 75 percent and
it's really good.
It's frightening.
It is very frightening because,and it goes so quickly as we get
(01:53):
older too, right?
Like time tends to, to fly byand, and I notice it more and
more as he's getting older, he'swanting to spend more time with
his friends and do more thingsnot with us.
And so you do, it's really inyour face that that time is
becoming quite short.
(02:13):
Yeah.
Yeah.
and I.
Once he goes to high school,it's going to be even more so.
Yeah.
So yet another uplifting topicat nine to always.
Yeah, true.
Sorry.
Oh, these are the things wethink about, right?
So that's why we want to talkabout it.
Yeah.
(02:33):
Yeah.
what about you guys?
Have you until I've kind ofbrought this up, have you
realized, wow, time is Slippingthrough my fingers.
Well, not until you said this,because I was thinking on the
way in, when, when you said,maybe we should talk about our
parents and our children.
And I thought about, do I feellike I haven't had enough time
(02:56):
with them?
And I decided no, but now I'mlike, Oh yeah.
Cause I hadn't really thoughtabout the future.
I think I just thought about howmuch time I was spending with
them now.
Yeah.
Yeah, and you're pretty goodwith the stuff you guys do as a
family, right?
So yeah, we do all the timeYeah, we do a fair bit as a
family But I often do sometimesthink I Should spend more time
(03:22):
with them as well But I mean, Ithink you can always think that
you're in even if you spendevery day with them You probably
would still think I couldprobably spend more time with
them.
I also think this is the, it'sthe contrast between when
they're young, you spend aninordinate amount of time with
them and all you want is timeaway.
(03:44):
What for me, you want to break,you need a break for everyone's
sanity and to miss each other.
So, and I think.
It's probably because, becauseyour son is a couple of years
older, than our youngest ones.
And that, I think thatdifference is really Yes, plus
my parents are also older too,right?
(04:06):
So, yeah, my parents are 75.
Yeah, well, and friends of mineare also in their 70s now.
I was worried that this podcastmight be, maybe a bit, uh, for
you guys having, being livingoverseas.
Talking about your agingparents, because I know when I
(04:26):
lived in Dubai, it was quiteprominent in my mind that, my
parents aren't getting anyyounger.
And so you kind of think, shit,this is a very, it is a very
difficult topic to talk aboutwhen you do have family and you
live on the other side.
And I'm sure we'll get into someof the stuff that I'm dealing
(04:47):
with in my family back home atthe moment.
But.
It's also, it's always on mymind, so why not talk about it?
Yeah.
You don't not think about itjust because they're really far
away.
It's very true.
You just think about itconstantly.
I had this really, confrontingmoment the day after Todd and I
got married, so that was 10years ago, and we got married in
(05:08):
Sweden because we lived here andI said, They miss out on
everything.
So let's have the wedding inSweden because then at least
they won't miss out on that sowe did that and my mom was
Amazing and did so much stufffor that wedding.
Incredible And then the next dayshe was really really low and
(05:30):
she wouldn't really talk to meAnd I didn't really understand
why and it didn't really Comeout until later.
It might have been the followingday after that even that she
said it's so obvious to me nowthat like, I might only see you
like another 20 more times in mylife Because maybe I only live
another two when you put anumber on it like that It's
(05:52):
quite um, and you might onlycome home once or twice at the
maximum a year And so, we, wecould be looking at like a
certain amount of days, really.
So it was real uplifting aftergetting married.
I must admit, but this, that waswhy she checked, she was on a
high bleeding into the weddingand she was, Super busy.
(06:15):
And then, that was over.
That one event was over and shecrashed, I think, and her
greatest fears around access tome as her youngest child was all
just in her face and she justcouldn't stop thinking about it.
Yeah.
So, I mean, she did live longerthan 10 years because it's been
10 years since this event.
(06:37):
She's still going.
She's still going.
But yeah, I think it's It'scertainly something you think
about.
And I think you think you dothink about it more when you
literally everybody, right?
Like literally everybody, likeour parents, it's relevant to
all of us.
Yeah.
A hundred percent.
So that's why when you said, Ifeel like we're running out of
(06:58):
time and that could be a goodtopic.
I thought, absolutely.
Let's dive into another easybreezy topic.
Yeah.
Um, the thing, Mel Robbinstalked about was, a melting
piece of ice.
she's like our time with ourfamily or our children is
literally like a piece of iceand there's no way to stop it
(07:21):
from melting if it's sitting onthe kitchen bench, except to put
it in the freezer, obviously.
Yeah.
it's one of those things whereyou, you have, so there's,
there's also time, but you alsolike, you want your kids to go
out and experience the world andhave their friends and go out
and do things.
If they were spending all theirtime with you.
Yeah.
There'd be something to worryabout, I think.
(07:41):
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I think what I, I guesswhat's important to take away
with everything is, what can youdo with the time when you are
with them, for example.
So when you ask me to come withhim and it doesn't always have
to be this big elaborate event,right?
It can just be, hanging out withthem, but not, on your phone.
(08:02):
For example, actually be presentin the time that you're spending
with them or in the same withyour parents.
Like, you can do nice thingsActually yesterday was beautiful
day.
I had to go and pick up my dogand I was just going to go over
and pick her up and leave andcome home and then go pick up
Javi from a birthday party.
(08:23):
And then when I got there, I waslike, actually Picking up your
dog from your parents?
Yeah.
And I thought, I might just hangout here for the afternoon.
And so we watched a bit of theOlympics opening thing.
We had lunch and then we wentfor this big, long walk and, all
three of us went and we talkedheaps and it was actually a
really nice afternoon.
Nothing major, but it was just aa nice time and I think they
(08:47):
really appreciated it toobecause now that they're retired
so those kind of moments I thinkand even like video call like
for you guys like actually justconnecting and video calls more
and stuff like that I think canbe good ways to still spend time
(09:07):
even though it's not physicalyeah you're still connecting
with them all the time A hundredpercent.
I think that was quite obviousto me when we went home over
Christmas, because we hadn't, Ihadn't seen them in over four
years and there were lots ofthings that I wanted to do with
my, husband and son.
(09:28):
Yeah.
Um, but I also, needed to spendtime with my mom and dad and
sister and brother and stuff andDidn't get enough time with my
brother, which I regret now forreasons we might get into But I
think the stuff that I did dowith my mom and dad were just
those things Like it's justsitting around watching a
program together like one night.
(09:50):
We sat around reading oldletters that i'd written or
received when I was a child andLaughed at that and like there
was it was nothing really crazyspecial other than like the
Christmas stuff, but that wasactually involving other people.
So it didn't really become atime for connecting for us as a
family, because there werealways other people there.
(10:13):
And then, my mom would often,cause she's a bit of a hostess
with the most that she wouldoften focus more on those people
than on us, which is natural,but it did make me reflect over
like how How we traveled areally long way and then other
people came into our littlecircle and kind of wrecked it.
(10:33):
And I just thought this isalmost annoying, even though I
can't, cause I have this otherthing on top of the whole time
running out.
Weird.
I.
feel guilty if I expect them tostop their lives while I come,
but I kind of do expect them tostop their lives while I come
because we have so little timetogether.
(10:56):
Like it might only be 20 days, ayear if that.
And obviously this hadn't beenfor four years.
So, you become quite cognizantof that.
And at the same time, you'relike forced into this.
Hanging out thing where you haveto create memories and you have
to be together.
So like there's naturally goingto be conflict and you got to
(11:18):
get annoyed with each other andthe stuff that you wouldn't do
over a video call.
Because then you're not reallylike, as much as it's your
family and you talk about stuffthat are hard, even if it's on
the phone or a video call.
you don't do that for fivehours, like, yeah, I know it's a
finite time still, so you canmove on if the topic gets heavy
and in a way you probably don'tto the same degree when you like
(11:41):
face to face.
So yeah, I, I think about that alot.
Yeah.
Um, often I find it difficultsometimes when I go back and see
my family and then if I bring myhusband and kids along, then
it's that balancing that,whereas really you just wanna
(12:04):
hang out with your parents.
And so I went and saw my parentsa couple of weeks ago.
Yeah, on my own.
And that was just me and them.
Partially because I was so sickI couldn't get off the couch.
So I was just like there everyhour.
Yeah.
Great way to hang out.
(12:24):
But um, yeah, it was kind ofnice just to be able to hang out
with them.
The whole time.
Yeah.
Yeah, actually I've been reallylucky with my parents with our
beach house.
Because, we owned it with themfor quite a long time.
And I did before I got married,so.
All right.
I often would come back andactually go to the beach house
(12:45):
with them for most of the timethat I would be back otherwise,
other than catching up withfriends, but So we spend a lot
of quality time there and theneven now, when I go up there,
often Brett will be working andI can work from up there.
I'll ask my parents, even thoughthey don't own it with us
anymore, I'll still have them.
(13:05):
Um, and they're comfortablethere because it's still feels
like this.
Yeah.
And so it's always quite a nicetime to go and do that.
Yeah.
So I'm lucky I can have that, Iguess, quality, quality time.
Yeah.
There's always a limit to thequality time you can have back
with your parents.
That's why it's called quality.
(13:26):
but like a good five, like agood five days.
Yeah.
It's good.
And everyone, you know.
Yeah.
I think, I feel like five daysis the perfect amount.
No, no, no.
Before you're ready, I reckon.
Yeah, I think.
Yeah.
Um, it's before everyone getsniggly with each other, right?
Yeah.
And Dad, we, Dad and I go playgolf, and yeah.
Yeah.
It's awesome.
(13:46):
It's nice.
And actually, one of the things,I was like, what can I get
Harvey for his birthday?
He just had his birthday.
And I brought him golf clubs,because I thought that's
something we can go and dotogether.
Um.
It's, it's fun.
Um, we're having fun together.
Um, yeah.
It's an activity.
And we got the ping pong tablein our garage and we play that
heaps.
Like we probably play ping pongat least once a day.
(14:08):
Yeah, I think we're going to geta ping pong table because of
what you've said.
Yeah, it's so much fun.
I, uh, definitely think that thewhole hanging out with family,
when I always have to merge thetwo, like I have to merge my
family of origin with my ownfamily, if we call it that, uh,
does always lead to, I mean,there's also this, I wouldn't
(14:30):
call it a language barrierbecause there's no barrier as
such, but my mother doesn't lovespeaking English.
And the older she gets, the moreworried and anxious she gets.
and I think because she hasn'tbeen around Todd and Ed as much
lately, that makes her moreanxious.
To speak English.
Yeah.
So that's a hard one.
And also we, I don't have thatluxury, if you want to call it
(14:56):
that, of only being able to hangout with them for four or five
days, like, cause it's too shortto go home.
So you kind of have to be.
Home for like three to fourweeks.
Yeah To make it worthwhile and Ithink 21 days is a long time to
be spending in anyone's companyI'd start fighting with my
(15:17):
parents You do naturally argueand I mean I just have to accept
when I go that that's part ofEveryday life is to bicker and I
think we're just, we're abickering family anyway.
We show love or some fucked upshit.
So this is part of what we do.
But I mean it is frustratingthat you can't just create these
(15:40):
like rosy movie like memorieswhere everyone is laughing and
running I don't think thatmatters and that's not really
the point.
The point is just actually beingconnected.
Yeah.
I think.
I mean, you're not always goingto create these amazing
memories, right?
No, you're creating memories.
Yeah.
Yeah.
(16:01):
They're not always going to be,like, amazing.
They're not all going to belovely.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But it's true.
I, I watched, uh, just on asidebar.
So I was at football yesterdaymorning cause it was a Saturday
and there's this other mom therewho I love chatting to.
And we were talking about kidsand how they're getting older
and dealing with emotions andwhatnot.
(16:21):
And there's that Disney movie orPixar movie called Inside Out.
I like that movie.
Emotions and in a very literalway, like the emotions are all
there.
Yeah.
Characters and characters of themovie and stuff and how Memories
fall into long term if ifthey're of a certain character
type thing, so I think It's agood reminder that good and bad
(16:45):
memories fall into long termmemories, right?
Like you won't necessarily Justremember the good stuff.
Yeah, I remember the bad stuffand the arguments as well, but
at least We're all still aroundin order to do it.
So Yeah, and that's the thing,we are lucky we've still got,
all our parents and children andeverything.
(17:09):
Yeah.
But it definitely feels like,you know, time is slipping,
slipping past quite quickly.
Yeah.
As they, as everyone gets older.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, that is so true.
Uplifting.
(17:30):
Um, so yeah, so I guess whatwould be things you would do to
kind of other ideas maybe thatconnect with your kids that
aren't necessarily, big days outor, or just ideas to spend
quality time and It's funnybecause I know that our current
(17:54):
generation of parenting is veryfocused on reducing screen time,
which I completely agree with.
I also, obviously, it'severyone's battle and how much
of a battle it depends on whatkid you have And I think some of
the nicest moments that Ed and Ihave together sometimes, and
maybe to some people, this istragic, but is when we're
(18:14):
watching a movie together orwe're just hanging out on the
couch doing absolutely nothing.
And he, that's probably alsowhen he's the most affectionate
because I know that as an activekid who needs downtime and
struggles to find things to dothat are quiet.
That don't involve somethinglike that.
(18:35):
He really does cherish that.
So he'll often be way moresnuggly and tell me how much he
loves me and like, he'll, he'lldo that in those types of
moments when I guess he's reallyrelaxed and feel safe and calm
and, and to us that just, it'snot only in that situation, but
(18:56):
he's way more like that than ifwe.
Go and have a big day out.
Yeah.
I quite like that.
Um, you know, watching a show orsomething together, we kind of
started up at the beach with mumand dad when they were up there.
We started watching the goodDoctor.
Yeah.
And Harvey got really into it.
So we, we have one episode anight before bed and I don't
(19:19):
even know if he.
cared so much for the show, buthe actually just liked that we
all sat down together and it waslike a thing, you know, like,
oh, we're gonna watch tonighttogether And so I started, we
did it at home and we came backand, and then we finished.
The whole series.
Yeah.
And I think we all grew upprobably you only had three
(19:40):
channels, three channels,everybody, you were all made to
watch something that you kindof, your parents liked, but you
didn't.
Yeah, it's true.
Right.
Um, one of the things that I'veactually found just in the last
two weeks, Mike and I bothcommented on it is, um, we just
(20:01):
let Olive get.
messenger for kids because herbest friend has moved to
Christchurch and they want to beable to chat to each other.
But the side effect of that, isthat they just send us hundreds
of texts.
But they're like great texts,'cause Mike, Mike was away last
(20:21):
week.
Yeah.
And he said for the whole week,Olive's got this in, in their
playroom.
She set up this whole scenewhere there's all these villages
and things going on and she islike texted Mike like every
single scene and all the storyand stuff.
And he is like, is awesome.
Like I would never have thatinteraction.
You'd be down there and I'd beupstairs.
(20:43):
Well, Harvey got Messenger 2,um, just not long after we got
back from Australia.
And so he, he was, becamefriends with, um, Brett's
brothers and sisters over there.
So his aunties and uncles, andhe was messaging them
constantly.
but they loved it.
Like, and so he was able to keepconnecting with them while
coming home again.
(21:04):
I just think of that toobecause, you know, obviously it
Neurodiverse or dyslexic andthat I'm like, what a great
opportunity for them to bepracticing like storytelling and
writing and like, you know,connecting in a different way.
And they have got voice to text.
Yeah.
So he could always cheat andjust say.
(21:25):
And they can video chat.
Like Harvey, um, he's got hisfriends in Auckland, Hunter and
Heidi, her Lord of the Monsterskids.
And so they'll video chat withthem.
Um, And I think he, we finallylet him have a Nintendo at
Christmas and you can talk toeach other on that.
Yeah.
And that's really good.
(21:46):
cause I know that's how myhusband stays in touch with all
of his, they will go on and playa game together and just chat
while they're playing.
Yeah.
That was one of the things thatcame up on the podcast I
listened to was, Um, how canyou, and it comes to, it's not
(22:07):
just your children and youraging parents, it's your friends
too, right?
So, how can you, you can't relyon other people to always
connect with you.
And sometimes it might just be atit for tat thing, or she didn't
call me so I'm not calling her,or you know, those kinds of
things.
So if it's important to you, youshould insert yourselves into
people's lives, whether it'strue.
(22:31):
Just dropping in and havingcoffee or having group messenger
chat things and, and connectingthrough just reaching out
through those sort of things andlike where it comes with French
friendships.
Like we've got our group chats,right, which we all kind of
connect on and I've got all myold school friends on a group
(22:52):
chat and I was thinking it's sotrue because some of my old
school friends were like, Oh,that's so nice.
Girls.
I might not see hardly at allbut we're connecting all the
time because we're all on thechat and so you don't feel like
you haven't spoken to them foryears because you're all just
sort of chatting away differentcomments and yeah you still know
(23:12):
a bit about yeah you still knowwhat everyone's kind of doing
and that we'll post somethingrandom photos or so that's
really valuable way to kind of Ithink keep connected even in
your wider friendships andfamily, like if you had a big
family group, like it could beall your wider family, brothers,
sisters, I know Brett has that,I don't have that with mine
(23:34):
because they're all kind of inTiamutu, but um, that's a really
good way to kind of stayconnected as the wider family as
well.
Oh, absolutely.
And then when you add the kidsto it, it's even nicer.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I think it's beenobviously quite important for me
to have group chats because Ihaven't been on social media for
(23:56):
quite a few years.
So like, it means that in orderfor me to keep, to have any idea
what goes on in people's lives,they have to, like, I have to
reach out to them specificallyand vice versa.
Yeah.
And that's why I'm so reliant onWhatsApp.
And I probably wouldn't be if Iwas on like regularly on any of
(24:17):
the other social media ones.
Like I haven't been very good atusing messenger for quite a long
time, but I'm realizing thatmost people probably prefer to
use some version of social mediaconnection.
Um, so that is super important.
I do however find that even withthat, like, you know, we, like,
(24:37):
we have like my friendship groupat home, um, It's not just in
Sweden cause they're like inSweden and France.
But if, if no one instigates itfor a little while, it can still
take a long time because youknow, if you had noticed we're
busy people, like we all haveyoung children, we all work long
(24:58):
hours.
And you know, like you said,everyone has aging parents and
like traveling between the twoand all of that kind of stuff.
So it's still easy to slipthrough.
So I think it's a good reminder.
To tell yourself what you didLucy that it's like if it's
important to you just yeah Justthink five to ten minutes doing
it.
Yeah, it doesn't have to take avery long time No, and I think
(25:21):
and even with like ourfriendships like It doesn't have
to be as well.
We have to have a girl's nightout.
Just go for coffee Mm hmm, likewe'll just pop into each other's
house.
Like I think You Because we areall so busy, we try and make
these big, um, catch ups that,that sometimes are just too hard
(25:42):
to maybe make happen.
But if it's important for you tostay connected to that, if you
think it's important, then Ithink you just got to make that
effort.
We're trying to get a priority.
Yeah.
Like, but I think that thosemoments, there's lots of little
moments you're more connecteddoing those than you are with
(26:02):
the one off big events.
every two years, you know, likeyou're actually more connected
if you do lots of little, evenjust a phone call.
Like, um, one of my best mateslives in Napier and I just pick
up the phone all the time andshe picks up, like, we're quite
good at calling.
That's good.
Um, and I don't have that witheverybody, but I make an effort
(26:24):
with yeah, calling people thatyeah, that's why I keep my
Aussie friends.
I probably should do it more,but I basically try and call one
person a month.
Like just go, when I go for awalk, just call them.
And have a chat.
It's so good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And the more you do it Theeasier it becomes.
(26:44):
Yes.
Because the less awkward it is,the less you do it, the more
awkward it is, because it's kindof like, oh, we haven't spoken
for years.
It's kind of awkward.
You know, like you kind ofchanged out these stories.
Some people, if I rang some ofmy friends now, I think I would
have to precursor it with thetext and be like, I'm going to
ring you, but no one's there.
(27:04):
Dead.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Just don't freak out because wehaven't spoken on the phone for
such a long time, you know, soit's not like a, cause, so this
happened recently where, youknow, they changed, when we
changed the time, um, for summerand winter, so that for a few
weeks I'm a little bit unsure ofwhat the time is in Sweden
(27:25):
because I don't know if they'veswitched yet or not.
And so sometimes I forget that Ican't call after a certain time
in the morning because they willbe asleep.
Yeah.
And I just, I was a little bitdistracted that day and I rang
my dad at a time when itprobably would have been like
11, and then I realized, so Iquickly hung up and I was like,
(27:50):
Oh, of course.
So then he rang me.
Worried.
Worried.
Yeah.
And he was like, wide awake.
And he turned this tiny littlelight on, and he was like,
what's going on?
And I'm like, I'm so sorry, Ijust fucked up.
Like, nothing's happened,everyone is fine.
You know, your grandson is okay,because he's obviously living
(28:10):
with us now.
He was like, oh, you could see,like, he was visibly Ah, yeah,
of course, you would be when youget those kind of things.
Yeah, so that can happen.
Yeah.
If I now start ringing people,my friends in Europe, they would
just be like, what the frick isgoing on?
Yeah.
But I love the idea of callingbecause the people in my life
(28:33):
who are good at ringing, um, andI, I've ring a lot more for work
now.
So I, you know, I'm not, I'm notuncomfortable talking on the
phone anymore.
Like lots of people can be.
I've got a few friends who just,I'm not.
Fine people at all.
And when we did that Tungarirocrossing and I said, I'm going
to call you all the time.
(28:54):
So that she's like, okay, butshe's not a fine person.
Like the more you do it, themore you have to do it.
If you just force yourself topick up the phone.
Yeah.
Like you say, the more, butthey'll, they'll, they'll, they
kind of, they don't say so much,don't like talking.
They won't pick up that rathertext.
Yeah.
Like, I do find that with myparents.
(29:15):
I try to call them once a week,but I just don't think they
love, they're not really longphone chatters.
You know what, they would love,because they'd love that you're
calling.
Well they do, yeah, they do lovethat, but it's never a long
chat, yeah.
I think when you're calling oncea week it doesn't mean it has to
be, right?
I mean, I still ring my parentsmore than once a week.
(29:36):
Yeah, I don't.
I can go long periods.
It's funny though, because I, Ithought about this recently when
I listened to another podcast,focused on dads rather than kids
with their dads, but like ifdads don't spend time with their
children, when they're young,you don't necessarily create
that bond where in 20 yearstime, your kids will call you.
(29:57):
And so I used to, I thoughtabout that at the time, cause
when I was younger, I was adaddy's girl and I was, you
know, when I moved out of home,I would probably call him.
As much as my mom.
'cause um, when she traveled forwork, she wasn't always in the
same place and he and I couldtalk for a really long time
'cause we're quite similarpeople.
Yeah.
And now I think for years andyears, probably since Ed was
(30:20):
born, I've largely been callingmom because she was here when he
was born.
And like when he was young itwas like she was the go-to, you
know, she was a neonatal nurse,she knew babies, yada yada.
And I just got into that routineand I didn't call him as often.
So it would be when I did callhim, he would be very good at
like having a brief chat andthen like, well, I've got to go
(30:41):
do something now and like shutit down.
And it's only in recent timesnow that I've started calling
him a bit more when he then getsa bit better at like,
particularly if he was, he's onhis own.
I think we talked about this onetime, like if you're on the
phone to a friend and like yourhusband and your child or your
children are there, you're notas.
It's free to just do whateverand I think it's the same for
(31:03):
him naturally, so like I runghim a few weeks ago and he was
in the car and I was like, Oh,I'm sorry, do you want me to
call back?
And he's like, no, this isperfect.
And then we had like a reallylong chat about, I don't even
know, but yes, I think the,this, the situational side of it
is also quite important.
Like if he's at home with mom,then we have a different
(31:24):
conversation than if it's, ifhe's at home with dad.
I totally talk to dad aboutstuff that I I could never have
that conversation with my motherbecause dad's way more, um,
sensible Like it doesn't getemotional in the same way.
So I, and I've always been likethat like anything to do with.
Problems or finance or I'll goto dad Anything to do with
(31:48):
cooking I'll call mom Andgardening actually I like I've
started trying to grow somevegetables and stuff and dad's
amazing he grows the best veggiegarden and so it's been nice
because i'm using those sort ofthings to connect I guess with
with him around what should Iplant now and Um Vegetables and
(32:13):
stuff like that.
Yeah, it's funny how you, yeah,I think it's, you end up
becoming more and more like yourparents and you kind of get
shared interests.
Yeah, so if you can find ashared topic, it's quite a nice
way to, even if you don't evenneed to ask them, I still kind
of use it as a, maybe a way tojust touch base and talk to
(32:35):
them.
My mum sent me this memerecently, which was like.
It was a, like a sliding scaleand it had like your years on
one, one of the like arms of thegraph.
And then how much knowledge youthink your parent has.
(32:56):
Or like how much you want to dowith them I think.
So like it starts out and you'relike super into them.
You love them more thananything.
You think they know absolutelyeverything and you want to be
with them all the time.
And then like the teenagers comeby and you kind of think they
know absolutely nothing and youreally want nothing to do with
them and then kind of grew onthat whole graph around like in
your mid 20s.
(33:17):
You're like, Oh, maybe they doknow the odd thing or two.
And then in your mid 30s, you'relike, Oh yeah, they probably
actually know.
Quite a lot and then in your mid70s or something and it kind of
said I wish I Could just talk tomy mom Yeah, that's so true like
we all even though we know it weall go on that same journey I
think it's more obvious to menow because we have a teenager
(33:40):
in the house and like anovernight teenager because We
didn't grow up with him, so wedidn't really know how to relate
to that.
And that whole, I knoweverything, is quite prevalent
at that age.
And you have to be very carefulwith How you deliver messages in
order for them to believe thatyou actually know anything about
(34:00):
life.
Interesting.
I Hmm.
I think also, not actually justabout aging parents.
I think about aging siblings.
Yes, I was thinking that too,yeah.
So like, my, my brother wasrecently diagnosed with cancer
(34:21):
and, so he's quite a bit olderthan me, he's 14 years older
than me, but it was still amassive shock and I think one
that we're all still processingbecause he's, yeah, going
through treatment and whatnot,but no one really knows.
where it's going to land.
But I had this epiphany when Ithought I might be the last one
(34:49):
eventually because I'm theyoungest.
And as much as I had thoughtabout like, you know, everyone
is aging and you, you see it inyour own face and you see it in
their faces.
I hadn't really thought thatthere might come a time when
there's, there's no one left andGod, yeah, no, I hadn't even
thought about that either.
(35:09):
I think I thought about itbecause we have some friends
down the road on our street whorecently had two losses within
the family.
So one was a brother of the dadin the family.
Um, yeah, he lost his brotherand at the same time his wife.
I've lost her father and theywere all like within the space
of a week of each other.
(35:31):
And the father who lost thebrother had already, so he lost
his mother a few years ago, hisdad a long time ago, which means
that there's only two of themleft.
And I just thought, shit, thatcould be me.
I mean, in all likelihood itwill be me, like statistically
it probably will be me, but Ihadn't really had such a.
(35:55):
This little reminder of thatbefore.
So I, it's, it's scary to thinkabout it.
And I also think, so when wewere home over Christmas, for
the first time, since my brotherand sister and I were extremely
young, we had family photostaken.
It's probably been, you know,when you say that, Oh, it's been
(36:18):
20 years, it's probably been.
35 years.
This is your last family photo.
It's our last family photos,like professional family photos.
Yeah.
It's only because mum and dadhad some taken of us three.
I don't even think they had anyphotos of it.
That's not what you did in theeighties.
Who gives a shit about theparents?
(36:38):
And it was very posy.
It was in a studio, like all ofthat kind of stuff that we've
all seen with the big hairs andtheir matching dresses.
Classical eighties photo.
Classical eighties photos.
With the grey background or Andlike 20 of them and slightly
different.
And like one of them or a few ofthem, I was crying.
So like, you could almost likefollow what happened, like a
(37:01):
scripted day type thing, butthat was the last time we had
family photos taken.
And so now we had some takenover Christmas and they took
ages to be finished, but theyfinished, or they were finally
ready to have an album.
And the album was sent to momand dad about a month or so ago.
And then we found out that mybrother had cancer about a month
(37:22):
later and I was, my mom evensaid how fortuitous that we had
the photos taken because it'swhen everyone was well and you
know, we didn't know anything.
And I mean, that sounds morbidand like we're assuming that
something really bad is going tohappen.
But I think she was trying tohold on to the fact that like,
(37:43):
He he looked like he always hasin that photo Yeah, I don't know
if he's gonna look like that andyou know after six months.
Oh, yeah Chemo.
Yeah.
Yeah, so I think yeah, it's beena lot of like if you're talking
about have you had any moments?
recently when you've thoughtabout I think those moments for
me are like Hot like they'recoming fast.
(38:06):
Yeah, and repeatedly like Justthis week we were told Of, um,
one of Todd's childhood friends.
He lost his brother in law in adrowning accident the other day.
And he was probably in his latethirties, mid thirties.
So I think, yeah, they were outboating and it looks like he
(38:30):
fell off the back of the boat.
Um, just when he was going for awee.
So it's all very, very obvious,I think, that you're running out
of time and that you never knowwhen your time is going to come.
So like, it's so easy to getwrapped up and we all do this.
(38:51):
We get wrapped up in theeveryday life.
And like, I know my parents beensaying to me ever since Eric's
been here, Oh, I know you'rereally busy.
You don't have time to talk.
And I just think, isn't thatutter rubbish?
Of course I have time to talk.
I just have been stressed andthere has been a lot going on.
But like if anything, connectingwith the people that you love is
(39:14):
the one thing that will bringyou down from that ledge of
pressure and stress, right?
The thing that will make youfeel better or reaching out to a
friend or, you know, anythinglike that, Totally.
Yeah.
So I think it's.
The older you get the moreobvious it is.
Yeah, and I think I don't knowif it's like this for you guys
(39:35):
but it's been very veryprominent in the last kind of
five to ten years five five toseven years maybe that bad shit
happens to you or around you andyou just have to keep reminding
yourself that life is Trying tokeep rules.
(39:55):
Yeah.
Yeah And yeah, and I thinkthat's why I think we do
sometimes just need to take abit of stock and go what's
actually important to me, who'simportant to me, and make that a
bit of a priority in our, in ourschedule, in our lives and
actually.
So maybe this, this would be mybiggest question and I have, I'm
(40:18):
asking it because I have no ideahow to address it.
So let's hope the two of you do,and if not, maybe one of our
listeners do.
So I get that we all have thesemoments and we all need to sit
down and like take stock and,and make some time for the
people that we love.
(40:40):
And then most likely, or atleast for me, the next day I'm
just back on that train again.
On that train of work and schooland, you know, getting shit
done, I don't know, paying off amortgage, earning money.
How do I, like, how do you stayin that moment more?
I don't think you will everyday.
I don't think it's a, I justthink maybe you should have
(41:04):
something in your calendar tojust, uh, give your parents a
call.
And that's just a simplereminder on your calendar once a
week, or how often you feel likeyou want to do it.
Just that would be enough tomaybe go, Shit, I'll just give
mum a quick call and say hey.
(41:25):
We all have shit going on in ourlives, right?
I don't think it's an all day,every day thing where you're
constantly thinking about whatwe've discussed.
I just think it's something thatwe just need to not lose total
sight of and, and not take forgranted, I guess.
(41:46):
Those people.
I guess what's happened to merecently is I had a very, very
busy month and then I got quitesick.
So I had two weeks of justsitting there and thinking about
the meaning of life.
That's what happens.
And, um, I listened to some goodpodcasts while I was basically
(42:10):
lying there, and One guy talkedabout, it was in relation to, he
was telling this story about howhe had, he was on this quiz show
and he was trying to learn, hewas fully focused on this quiz
show and trying to learn all thequestions and stuff and he'd get
(42:30):
really into his head and be likefreaking out a bit but he said
the thing that kind of calmedhim and made him.
kind of think more about beingin the present and that kind of
thing was he would always touchsomething so he'd always be
touching um yeah like he wouldjust touch a table or he would
touch the wall or something andi was like oh that's a really
(42:53):
good idea yeah so i've starteddoing that and it actually
really works like i'm like in myhead i'm like oh my god i gotta
be doing all these things gonnado all these things then i was
like no i'm just gonna be likeWell, like in the shower, just
touching the tiles and stuff.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's quiteinteresting isn't it?
It's like it's grounding you.
(43:14):
Yeah, it does ground you, and itmakes you think, I'm not going
to think about all these things,I'm actually going to focus on
what's going on right now, andlike, talking to that person, or
Yeah, I think that's a reallygood point.
Would be, I think, I mean, allof that is so true.
I just think what, what happensto me is that I have these
(43:34):
little epiphanies and then Ispend a little bit of time.
But I still really struggle tobe present.
And I think like what he wastalking about and why that
probably works must be becauseit's like, it's all about being
in your body.
Like it's all about embodimentand all the podcasts I've
listened to all about focusingon being in your body as opposed
to in your head.
(43:55):
And I love my head and I'mconstantly up there.
Same.
Same.
Same.
Solving the world's crisis, butyou know, not never getting
anywhere and I obviously that'swhy I struggle so much to be In
my body which does involve beingpresent like this is obviously
one of the reasons why i'm noton social media And of any kind
(44:18):
because if I was then I wouldnot be able to put my phone down
But it's not even there.
I feel like I struggle just tobe Um, energetic enough to be
present.
Like I can be here, not on aphone and not on the screen and
still completely depleted andstill have nothing left to give
(44:39):
and just staring into the abyss.
Yeah.
There's this other, so thisother thing that I listened to
the other day was aboutcreating, it's called creating a
second mind.
A second brain.
Yeah, elaborate, elaborate.
(45:00):
You've heard of it.
And it's about using AI prettymuch to create a space where you
put all those, like all your todos, all of the cool, quotes
that you hear in podcasts or youread about putting them into
(45:20):
that space.
He's basically talking aboutusing your brain to be creative
and apply perspective to thingsand then use the other brain for
all of those additional, likeall that data stuff that you
kind of want to think about.
(45:41):
As he just, as he kind ofsaying, take it out of your head
and put it on paper in a way.
Yeah.
He's like, you can either do itin paper or you can do it.
There's lots of apps.
It's not in your head.
So, yeah.
And then he said it does take abit of work to set up, but you
can almost organize it.
So there'd be like cool, likeleadership management stuff that
you want to do for the business.
(46:03):
So you just pop it into thatsort of basket.
And then there'll be another onefor.
other things like looking afteryour children or those things
like that and putting into thatbasket so that you don't have to
think about it and and you canjust think about how to apply
the perspective to it.
I like, I like that.
(46:24):
I was like, it sounds cool.
So, so then when you go, Oh, Ineed to think about this, you
can go look there instead oftrying to go into your brain.
Is that kind of what you mean?
Yeah.
Or you can, he was actually alsotalking about it as being, a
podcast is really good for thatas well, where we've got all
these things going on in ourbrain and you listen to lots of
podcasts about these things.
(46:45):
But they're all other people'sthoughts and the value that you
really get from sitting where wesit here talking about it is you
get to apply your ownperspective to it and sort of
talk through it and come out atthe end.
Okay.
This is how I feel.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think it's true though, right?
Oh, it is so true.
So they do say, cause one ofthe, when I, um, I'm in this,
(47:09):
um, it's like a, A businessgroup thing for women, but it's,
it's kind of a little bitholistic as well as not, it's
not all just business focused.
And she definitely talks aboutlike, you know, get everything
out of your brain and ontopaper.
(47:30):
It doesn't matter what it is,even if it's a list a meter
long, get it all out of yourhead at the end of the day.
So when you get a beard, it'snot all or whenever you want to
do it.
It's not all filling up space inyour mind, and it's kind of
similar, but yours is moreorganized.
But similar in that sense thatyou're taking it out of your
(47:50):
head and leaving other space forthe creativity and Yeah, and
stuff because you can only holdso much in your mind.
That's why we forget things,right?
Because we're jamming so manyUm, and I'm just going to put a
few things into our heads thatwe've bound to forget something
because it can't all fit.
That's my theory on why I forgetstuff.
(48:11):
And I feel like that is mybiggest issue with time is more
is around that.
Like I feel like I never haveenough time to think about stuff
properly and I feel like I'mjust constantly reacting all the
time.
That's all I'm doing is justreacting.
Yeah.
And even with like keeping, youknow, with kids sport and all
(48:33):
that kind of stuff, I neverreally have it fully planned.
It suddenly looks like, Oh shit,it's four o'clock.
We've got to go.
Oh shit.
Now I need to get dinner on atsix o'clock.
But I, you know, all thosethings, like I never, it's like
constantly jumping, rushing fromone thing to like never sitting
there having my own time tothink about these things or make
(48:55):
things better.
Or even like, I even think theonly like a, um, When I was sick
and I did have that bit of extratime, I thought about all these
awesome things that I want to doand like made these other plans
for stuff I would never havedone if I hadn't had that week
of just sitting there.
Yeah.
And having that space.
It's so important to have space.
(49:16):
Yeah, you have to actuallycreate space to think about it.
I think I totally agree with allof that.
And, and yet the first thingthat popped into my head was
when the hell that means I haveone more thing to do every
blooming day.
I have to sit down.
I mean, you know how long itwould take to write down all of
(49:38):
my thoughts.
I mean, that's a great idea intheory, but fuck my head is full
of them.
Like it would not be.
If you'd written a journal andyou'd written.
Every day.
Yeah.
And you kind of, I floated withthat.
Not this is my thing I've got,'cause I don't get into the
habit of doing it.
And I totally appreciate thatonce you get into the habit of
doing it, then that is thebenefit in and of itself.
(49:59):
It doesn't matter what youactually write and what comes
out.
It's just the fact that I dothese things in bursts.
Yeah.
And I'll have the gratitudediary and I'll, and I, you know,
I have the, the journaling andall of that stuff and then.
I'll have a shitty week whenthere's a lot of stuff that
(50:19):
pokes my time or steals my timeand pokes my interest.
And then I'll be out of thehabit again.
Yeah, I know.
I do the same.
I do the gratitude thing andthen I'll not do it for a couple
of weeks and then I, and thenI'll go, why do I feel so shit?
And then I'm like, I might startdoing that again.
And then I'll start feeling goodagain or, you know, that it's
(50:40):
weird.
It's kind of.
It's an energy thing, right?
But I do quite like the idea of,I don't know how I would make
that work.
There's probably an app forthis, but how you could maybe
use AI to just also get answersto some of those questions.
Cause most of those questionsthat you're probably creating in
that second brain are easy toresolve.
(51:01):
It's just another thing toresolve.
And so that's why he said use AIbecause you might have something
you need resolved, but you askAI.
Is that why?
Yeah, he did mention that and hesaid quite often, but it's
about, you have to learn how toget the answers you want as
well, because you never, yeah,yeah, you might not always get
the answer you're needingbecause you haven't put in the
(51:22):
right stuff first.
He was saying that, people whodo podcasts and do, YouTube
channels and stuff, they'vealready kind of, they're already
sort of doing that.
That is their sort of secondbrain.
I guess in a sense, this podcastis a little bit like our second
brain for some things.
Yeah.
Um, cause yeah, he was sayinghe, he was talking about his own
(51:44):
podcast where he's like, I,Often, I've talked about it, and
then I know I can go back andlisten to it and sort of form
even more thoughts.
Which is often how I feel, like,after we've talked about all of
this stuff, I go away and I'mlike, Oh my god, all these other
things I'm thinking about now,like, this is, like, I actually
have this really strong opinionnow, where before I had never
(52:07):
really had a strong opinion onit before.
That is so true.
This is, like, our chattinggroup.
We just happened to be recordingit because if we weren't
recording it, we wouldn't bedoing this because we would feel
like absolute tools.
Sitting here talking about let'schoose a topic and talk about it
(52:27):
for an hour.
And so the, this is the forumthat allows us to drill into
something that is on our minds.
Yeah.
Yes.
Yeah.
Which is why we get value out ofit.
And all of you, not so manylisteners, also get value out of
it, hopefully.
(52:50):
Wow.
Do you think we should wrap upthis one?
what is our, our challenges?
Um, yeah, I think we should seta challenge to maybe connect.
With more intention to somebody.
I think maybe choose a personthat would be your priority for
(53:14):
the week and, and be moreintentional with how you might
spend some time with them.
I think that's what I'm going todo.
I really like that idea.
I've done my parents this week.
I, I, I love that idea because Ioften have thoughts of what I
(53:39):
want to do for other people.
Like, I want to do this for thisperson.
I want to do that for thatperson.
And then I don't necessarilyalways get to the point of
follow through.
So maybe next time I think aboutit, I'm just going to do it then
there drop what I'm doing.
That's going to be my talent forthis time.
(54:01):
I think, yeah.
Yeah.
Yes.
Um, well I was kind of excitedabout this second brain thing,
but that sounds hard as well.
they're all hard because theseall require a behavioral change.
Yeah.
Right.
Yeah.
(54:22):
I kind, um, not sure.
I think it's more I.
Like, I do try to do my monthlyand my weekly catch ups with
people, so it's probably, Imean, I, I'm doing that.
Um, I think it was more, yeah,just trying to, I think I might
continue on without touchingthe.
(54:42):
Yeah.
Because I feel quite often itis, I'm very distracted in it
and it's more about trying to bepresent.
Does it help with anxiety?
Like if you're feeling a bitanxious, does it kind of help
with that too?
Like overwhelmed?
I know what happens to me is Iusually get into a cycle and I
can't get out of that cycle,even if I'm going and doing
something at work or I'm in theshower, I just like internal
(55:06):
conversation, it feels quiteunhealthy because it's going
Around and around and around inthe same topic.
And just trying to find a way tojust break that circuit.
I have that when I'm worriedabout something.
Like a conversation withsomeone.
That might be.
Yeah, it's often a conversation.
That might be a bit of, youknow, like could be conflicting.
(55:27):
I'll do the round and roundthing in my head too.
Um, I'm going to try not to beon my phone when I'm with Javi,
like even if it's like watchingshower.
And they can't, you know, justwhatever.
I just try and.
That's a good one.
Yeah.
Not have that as an extradistraction.
Even my dog doesn't like it.
Like when I'm throwing a toy, ifI pick up my phone and look at
(55:49):
that, she's, she'll stop playingcause she's knows I'm not giving
her my full attention.
Oh, isn't that sad?
Yeah.
So I literally have to be like,fine.
I'm not looking at my phone.
She wants the full attentiontoo.
And so, I mean, if your dog'swanting it, like surely you
could.
It's the same.
Yeah.
(56:09):
Very true.
Cool.
Well, thank you for listeningand we will see you next time.
I should say as well, becauseI'm very bad at saying this, but
if you like listening to us,then if you haven't already,
please subscribe and maybe giveus a review if you want.
I think that's a good one.
(56:31):
And let us know what you think.
Yeah.
And we'll be back.
Bye.
Bye.
Popular Podcasts
United States of Kennedy
United States of Kennedy is a podcast about our cultural fascination with the Kennedy dynasty. Every week, hosts Lyra Smith and George Civeris go into one aspect of the Kennedy story.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com